Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 263. There’s No Place Like Home

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

This week on the podcast, the Ramseys have had a bit of a rubbish bank holiday - Rafe has been poorly, Chris gave the last bag of crisps away and YouTube has been banned AGAIN. But things are looking up for Robin as he and Rosie have struck up a very lucrative easter egg deal…A game of monopoly has inspired the beefs this week - and QFTPs include some very naughty dress up which gets a little bit too close to home… Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So who will you rise for? Register today at SunriseChallenge.ca That's SunriseChallenge.ca Hello, you're listening to Shag Mound annoyed with me Rosie Ramsey and my

husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello! But for how long? Who knows? Wow. Still saying that, are we? Threatening that, are we? Should I say still dangling that carrot? Listen, if these guys lived in our house, they'd be saying, they'd be taking us to another room and saying, you should leave him. Really? Do you think? Yeah. After your debacle, I didn't want to talk about it. You've talked about it straight away. So, let's set the scene. In my head I was like, I'm not gonna mention it. Might as well.

Let's set the scene. So the scene is, it's the Easter holidays. We are recording this on the 3rd, April the 3rd. Is it Wednesday? I believe it's Wednesday the 3rd. Children sort of were a bit of a pain in the ass to get rid of today. Rafe didn't want to go to your mom's.

Rob's going to like a holiday club thing. Rafe's been really poorly. He has, he's been really bad. All Easter weekend he's been really, he's had a horrendous stomach bug. He's had the shits like nothing I've ever seen. He's had diarrhea to the point where I had to take him to hospital

because he had blue in his poo. Blue? Yeah, blood in his poo. Blood in his poo. Wrang one, one, one. Tore them all the symptoms. That's some mad questions on one, one, one. Blue? Yeah, blood in his poo. Blood in his poo. Wrang 111, told them all the symptoms. That's some mad questions on 111. Not like, I think it's great. I think it's a very good service. Well, they've got to ask because-

Mad questions, though. I think it's because so many different people with so many different levels of knowledge on children, on health, on everything. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I'm not complaining, but anyway. But they've got to ask everything because there could be like, you know, I don't know,

what, is he shaking? Well yeah, but he's always shaking. Like, you know, like, it's stuff like that. Like, they've gotta cover everything. But I get it, yeah, it's mad. So, the lady was asking loads of questions, and then, because the reason I rang was because he had a little bit of blood in his poo,

which was bad, and you think, oh, that's that's not good. And anyway, she was like, right, OK, it's come out that he needs an ambulance. And you know, when you're like, oh, my God, what the fuck? It went for it. He was just sitting, eating a pancake. The boy came and I'm like, yeah, oh, and then. But then when they say ambulance, you shit your pants. Yeah, shit me pants. And then I was like, OK, but and then I said I would we would take him.

So I think it's quicker for us to take him. But then I was like, but but then I, and then I said I would, we would take him. Cause I was like, I think it's quicker for us to take him. But then I was like, but, but then it puts it on you, doesn't it? I was like, if an ambulance comes, at least he's in an ambulance, if anything horrific happens. Yeah. Well, you always go to the worst with your child. But then, but then she said, yes, but the ambulance could take up to two hours.

And I was like, how serious is this? Well, I think they offer them for, A, to make sure you bring them to the hospital. Yeah. In case, you know, there's some parents out there who go, Oh, fuck it, he's fine, he hasn't had a shit for five minutes. I'll have a can of lager at 10 in the morning. There is them kind of people.

Do you know what I mean? And also, people who don't have cars. So you could have went, I'll come, yeah, but we've got to get three buses and a metro. A hurt and he's not well. Yeah. So when they said the ambulance would be two hours, you quite rightly said, but I can drive them in 10 minutes. Which went, we'll do that then.

It's just something they offer. Again, they've got an offer across the board. Anyway, it was a little day out. Kill the morning and he's much better now, but it was a very bad, it was a really bad bug, wasn't it? Really bad, really bad. We didn't catch a touch wood. Do you know how much, like, Dettol, God love Dettol.

Have you not seen, my hands are bleeding off washing them. Yeah, I was like, please do not let me catch this bug. I, in the biggest twist of irony ever, my hands were bleeding so much when I was in the supermarket the other day. I bought the moisturiser for working hands. Oh, I thought you bought that for me, brother. Is that for you?

No, it's literally like proper men who do work. You do not do any sort of physical labour at all. Brick layers, proper men, like the builders working on your mom's house, they all use, and I'm like, I wash my hands too much because I don't want to get the poos, so can I have this work in hand? Literally they should have quizzed us at this till and not gave us that. I went, sorry, you do podcasts and stand up every once in a blue moon, you fucking get out of here, you don't deserve this. Anyway, I've got that. so sorry just to let you all know that's why that's why we've had a bit of a bit of an intense weekend so everyone everyone who kept saying it was

have a nice Easter raging absolutely raging Easter can fuck off or bank holidays can fuck off I know I'm in the mine already but I hate them I feel like I should be I feel pressure to do something and I feel guilt that I'm not doing stuff and everyone's doing things and then also I feel massively left out because me bank holidays used to just be going out on the piss. Oh I know. And they were fucking amazing. Can you remember I'm sure we've talked about before the club in South Shields was called a Visa now it's Mambo's the restaurant really nice but when it was a club it used to open. From two o'clock. Ten! Ten in the morning on Good Friday. I was never there from ten o'clock in the morning.

Oh, it was amazing. I was out, yeah. God. I know. You were there, you were in there hours, you were stotting drunk, you came out, it was still fucking bright light, it was like two in the afternoon, you were like, oh my God. I am at the minute and listen, we love our kids so much, like so much, I would die for

my children, but do I miss my life? Yes. Well, I think every single parent out there with young children can, can completely. Yeah, but we can, but I think a lot of people don't admit it. Yeah, but you do know this. And that's fine because we're living in a world where we're, you know, you're made to feel shit about it. I'm telling you, you're allowed to miss it and I miss it.

Yeah. I just miss like, just the randomness and the spontaneity of life but at the same time I love me kids. You wouldn't change it for the world but I think I wouldn't. I do miss it. I remember when Carl's got a little daughter, when Sophie was pregnant, and I remember Carl said it was what's it like and I said the best way I can sum it up is it's shit but brilliant. The best way I can sum up parenting, It's shit but brilliant. It's shit but you're buzzing with it. It's mad, isn't it? Yeah, it's amazing. Because I've never felt love like it and I've never felt like, I've never cried, laughed.

They make me laugh like I've never laughed before. But then at the same time, it's so hard and it's so, it's grueling and it's intense. But then I do think we've got quite intense children, which doesn't help. Oh, my children are hugely intense. Yeah. And back to, back to the crux of this that you weren't gonna talk about, which here we are.

So backstory dealt with, here we go. So, they wouldn't go anywhere this morning. We finally got Rafe away. And then Robin, as I'm packing his bag for his little holiday club, I open the cupboard. Thank God for holiday clubs by the way. Oh, holiday clubop woop. I open the cupboard and I got a little pack of crisps little something like crisps things shapes and I went here Robin I went oh look I went the last pack of crisps in the cupboard for your school club your

mom was saving them but it's the last pack of crisps you're gonna have to take these and you no you Mrs. went off it. They're from Marksies right they're like a salt and vinegar combo. Again, stop spending good money on Marks and Spenza. Christmas only. I don't have a bad word set against Marksies. Yeah, no, they're brilliant, but it's a treat. Well, that's what I took,

they were off the trip the other day when I went with Rafe. So, they're not a treat, it's lush. They're like, you can get a big bag, they're like random shapes, salt and vinegar. I really like them, right? Yeah. There was one packet left, and yesterday, you tried to give them to Robin and there was other stuff and I said, can I keep them?

I really like them. Yep. I would like to have them at some point, right? Bought them with my own money that I trudged out to work for. Our money. You work from home. Yes. Fair enough.

But it's still my money as well, right? Am I not allowed to own anything in this life? This is the problem, right? So this is the problem. All I'm upset about is the fact that you were just so flippantly like your mom wanted these but there you go. Like I don't have any right over anything anymore. Okay. Just because your child needed crisps. I could have got you some on the way back but it was just because your child needed crisps for his holiday club. That's all it was. Don't even day. You hadn't asked for any crisps at all.

I gave him crisps yesterday when he went away, that's the only thing I thought he had. But then when he turned around and said, we don't need snacks, I was like, no bother. But you kept a hold of that argument until I went and dropped them off and I came back. Must have took us half an hour. You're still fuming when you came back and you dropped it

and you've brought a pack over on the podcast. Because I just feel like I've lost me whole self. Because of a pack of fucking crisps? Yes. I can get you the big pack if you want, I'm not bothered. No, cause then I won't eat them all in one sitting. But the thing is, I just, what, what point of life are you just like, well, just talking about

when your life just passes you by, like now, I'm not allowed to have anything in this house. Nothing is just mine. Well you are, cause you kept them and they're yours. You've got brodian bars in the cupboard, no one touches them. Robin absolutely takes a bite of every single one I have. What if you had one left? Oh! Oh! What? The face is dropped, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'll literally do them at the shop around the corner. I'll pop the shop and get one. You can fuck off.

Whatever. Whatever. I don't believe that for a second. And can we talk about the fact that you also claim that I was gaslighting you and that I didn't want you to have the crisps. Oh yeah, cause you live like a monk now and you don't eat anything.

And you're looking down on me cause I still eat crisps. You claim that I didn't want you to have them for some kind of gaslight weight gain thing, which is so offensive because I did not stop you yesterday. I didn't stop you when you, let's tell everyone, no, no, let's tell everyone,

I wouldn't go for the crisps. I wouldn't start at the crisps. I would start somewhere else. I'll probably start at yesterday afternoon where you bought, bought two Easter eggs off our eight year old for 10 pound. I swear to God, that's what you did guys. That's what this whole thing's been building up to listen Rosie Ramsey yesterday bought cash money off her eight-year-old child

To Easter eggs no ten-pound no like a fucking mr. Beast hey Robux He got room 999 Robux And it was worth every penny. He came downstairs and he went, where did they come from? You went, I've just bought them off Robin. You went, Mamma Mia is 10 pounds with two Easter eggs.

I went, this is, I'm living in a lawless fucking wasteland. Yeah, but I haven't ate them both. And you know for a fact, if he sees them, I'm gonna have to hide them in my dressing room. Cause if he sees them, he'll be like, I want them back. And I'll have to say, I bought them off your fair and square and that'll turn into an argument that I can't be bothered to have. It's gonna be really sad when I've got to give our son five pound to buy his own Easter

egg back off his mom. No they'll be gone by then. They'll be gone by the end of the day. Honestly. I know it was quite bad. See Wraith I can get away with eating Wraiths. Oh when they're little. Robin knows now. Yeah. And I can't don't say anything. You nearly, well, did you,

this morning when my mom came, you were like giving it the big, and I was like, oh, first, shut up. Oh, right. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, God. I was like, shit, stop it. It's just a bit much though.

Every- What, why? No, not for you, I mean Easter for kids. Like every single, every single relative and friend got the kids in Easter. Did you did you? Cuz I didn't buy anything No, we've stopped doing that used to be worse used to be like when your friendship groups first start having kids and you buy For the kids, but then then then the ends up being 11 kids and you're like Oh, we're not buying for these anymore and everyone agrees. So now we don't do anything

We've covered this on the podcast the cursed Christmas when you and the other mums all decided not to buy anything for the children. The cursed Christmas I remember that. The mothers meeting that yous all had. Shall we just make sure every single one of our children gets one less present. Yeah let's see cause I can't be fucking arsed now. No I can't be arsed either. Yeah good there we go. So £10 for two Easter eggs. How much would you buy a selection box often for. Oh, how long is it after Christmas? Oh, it's February. Well, start us off a number.

What do you mean? How, well, it depends, because I could just go, there's something about Easter egg chocolate. Right, okay. That just really. All right, here we go then. Okay, yeah, okay, okay, okay. I guess they're going in a good way. So, it's February.

Yeah. Right? It's nighttime. You've just had some February. Yeah. Right, it's nighttime. You've just had some dinner. Yeah. Right, you've had something, you know, you've been really good. You've had like salmon. Right, oh yeah.

And steamed vegetables. A keen one. And you've had no, no, no, you've had no carbs. Oh my God. Nothing like that. And you're sitting there. Yeah. And Robin comes down.

Am I poorly? No, you're absolutely fine. You're just sitting watching the telly. Robin's been in his bedroom. He comes down and goes, Mom, eh, you see what I found in my bedroom? This must be off Christmas. Oh, it's a full unopened advent calendar Oh, Jesus. Oh god. That's the same kind of Yeah, it comes down and he goes mom. Okay, how much you gonna pay us for this?

I mean firstly, I'd say your little twat who the fuck do you think you're speak to your mother like that? Great And I give you 25 pounds Don't speak to your mother like that. Great. I'll give you 25 pounds. 25 pounds! 20 went straight in a 20! Ha ha! I mean no, I'd start off, no I'd, two pounds, two pounds.

He says, nah, I think I'll just eat myself and he just opens one of the windows and he just hoys one of the chocolate in his mouth. Oh God. And you go, can I have at least one? He goes, nah, nah. Sounds like him. Yeah, so where you going?

25 is not enough, how far, how high are you going for this? 25 pounds, I'm not going any higher than 25. Oh okay, so you just sit down. No, I'm gonna teach him a lesson. Okay, so you just sit down. I'll just be devastated. No, he sits down, he starts eating them one by one. Dead story looking at you.

Don't worry though, I go to the kitchen, I come over, oh look, I've got some 70% Coke dark chocolate for you. Quite like that. Ah, do you though? Yeah. Don't you see salt? Me and him are tucking, nah, there's no salt on it. Me and him are tucking at the advent calendar.

Yeah. Hey, tell you what, Marie, there's actually, what about the what about 10 10 little advent calendar chart say we'll put them in a bowl for you shake them how much 50 quid no not happening no just gonna eat them in front of you then right eat them in front of us 40 quid no 30 quid maybe but no it's gotta be no because you have still tried to teach me children by the way oh should we go in the Acro podcast and we'll talk about other stuff? OK then, yeah. Oh, that's a good cliffhanger. Hey, hey, stay tuned for other stuff. It's about YouTube. Oh, great. Oh, God.

Just know about just YouTube as now. Well, we've banned it again. We keep letting it back in my life. We've banned it again. Wait for the jingle and you'll hear why. God Almighty. But before we go to the jingle, obviously, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. First of all, thanks. It's episode 263. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being here. We do love you. Obviously click like or subscribe or follow or whatever the fuck it is on your podcast things.

Again, I don't really know why but apparently it's a good thing. But it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. Rosie, you listening? I am. This week's lucrative sponsor is something that's happened to me a few times in life. Might happen to you. You know, it's just one of them things that happens now and then. Maybe you can relate. It's this week's lucrative sponsor is... waiting outside the chemist for it to open.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Happen loads of times. Look, I've only dropped off the... I've only dropped off Grave at nursery, right? And I've only had to pop in to get some bond jello or maybe some suppositories for you. Well, stop telling them that they're for me. If you tell anybody else that works in a shop that you are buying and yourself for me, I'm gonna lose my mind.

Excuse me, mate, where's the and yourself for the wife? That's it, just on the edge for the wife? Yeah, actually. Nah, not really. I used to, I have a few times. You're a bit more famous now, I can't really get away with it as much. No, I mean, listen, I've just never had piles before.

Yeah. I really don't think I would deal well with piles. You have quite loose poops. Look, there's too much anyway. Listen to me. Oh, me, I've got some sort of IBS. When people are like, you have got a really bad tummy, you have had diarrhea,

I'm like, oh, I have it three times a week. Is that not normal? Like... No. Apparently not. Do you, I just... I don't know. I'm in a bad way if I have diarrhea. It, apparently not. Do you, I've just got out of shit all the time. I'm in a bad way if I have diarrhea.

It upsets me. Really effective. I had it the other day. Yeah? Anyway, listen, the reason it's the sponsor is because you might be standing outside. I stand outside the chemist, I've dropped the pain off. I'm just waiting for it to open. It's 15 minutes, 10 minutes, five minutes

until Boots opens. And I'm only going in to get some Bonjello or whatever. But I feel like I'm- You're there for your methadone. I feel like I'm queuing for my drugs and people walk past and they're like, I imagine they're going ugh look at him. I'm like I'm just getting Bonjela and yourself and the wife. I'm not doing the drugs. Listen I wouldn't judge you if you were. It's a very intense life.

It just feels, I suppose yeah but no I'm not going to turn to the drugs just yet. Anyway jingle then you hear about why we're falling out with YouTube again. Are you allowed to talk about drug addicts on the podcast anymore? I don't know. Who knows? Chris I don't know. I think I think you're allowed to say it's probably not great to be a drug addict I think that's okay. Is it? God I don't know. Or is it brilliant now? Is that brilliant as well? Oh hey look don't upset you. Oh brilliant go on stick it in your oaf. Oh things in your arm ran out find one in your foot. Oh good on you. I'm sorry I'm not one in your foot. Oh, good on you. I'm sorry, I'm not living in that world.

I'm not having it. As long as you're happy. I'm not having it. Oh, but you're not allowed to put happiness on anyone. Oh no, don't put happy. Don't pressure people to be happy. Don't pressure people to be happy. Okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, well as long as you're healthy. Don't pressure them to be healthy! Oh, fuck it all. We had a fight about the jingle jingle jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba

Jingle Hello and welcome back. We didn't say before but hope you're all okay having a nice little... Nice, yeah, hope you had a lovely Easter. Easter! Did you have a great Easter? No, I didn't have a great Easter. What are we talking about? It was a Friday, it was a Saturday,

it was a Sunday, and then it was a Monday. When I needed Anusol, and everywhere was fucking shut, I couldn't get Anusol, right? We've done it again, though. For Rosie. Done it, shut up. Done it again, we've done it again we've commercialized another thing massively. Oh yeah yeah it's huge in it yeah. When I was a kid Easter well I was Catholic actually so it was a bigger thing you went to church

and whatever right but it was just on the Sunday you ate chocolate not this whole people have turned into this whole like thing. Every other person I spoke to there was Easter egg hunt every day we did Easter egg hunt every day we did Easter egg hunt in the garden with the kids. It was carnage. It was carnage at Easter egg hunt. They were fucking screaming at each other. Raph didn't know where the eggs were. He was kicking off. Because he had the shits, bless him. Yeah, Rob was going to find them and then they found them all. They didn't even like them that much. They left them outside in the bucket. They were fucking melted. They all melted in the sun. I mean, at least we got the sun. That was quite nice. That was a nice day. But listen. Do you know what it is actually? I'll tell you right now. I think

with us in England, I think we're all just miserable That was quite nice. That was a nice day. But listen. Do you know what it is actually? I'll tell you right now, I think with us in England, I think we're all just miserable and a bit that because the weather is shit. It's just always shit. Sorry if this is a bit dour, but it's pissing down with rain today. Again. But the other day it was sunny and we were-

Buzzing. High as a kite. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what I'm not buzzing about. What? This is a thought I was having for years now, because every time I go to my mom and dad's house, I drink out of a certain cup that I got in an Easter egg years ago. Why don't they do mugs in Easter eggs anymore?

I'm sure they do. Every single Easter egg back in the day you got a mug. And now I drink more tea and coffee than I did when I was six. Yeah. No mugs? No, I don't know. None? Honestly, there were so many amazing different novelty mugs you got. I got a Mario one, I got a Sonic one, I got a Kit Kat one. They were a lot more exciting back in the day, weren't they? Shite now. It was because of our kids, Chris. But why is there no mugs? Why is there no mugs? Or cereal bowls. Cereal bowls were a good thing as well.

You got free... Do you remember the toys used to get free in cereal as well? Or is that to stop kids wanting cereal. Fucking hell. Robin had the Rugrats on the other day. I remember when it was either Frosty's or someone. Did you get toys in them? Mate. They were the special ones though because it didn't happen very often.

Oh, well, we made it across the road, got them out, didn't get them. But Frosty's or someone did the pencil toppers of the Rugrats and you would get the full set of the Rugrats and the pencil toppers were like, they were amazing. They also did ones when the mask, the movie The Mask came out with a mask pencil topper. Okay. I feel like my mom as a mom of three couldn't buy those cereals because there would have just been a fight. You wouldn't have got that. But I remember looking for the looking for the toy in the cereal. I remember in the adverts, it would open it. Was it inside the packet? It's inside the packet in its own little plastic packet. Inside the packet. No, but in the adverts, they pour it out and they go,

earn it falls in the bowl and they go, oh my God, you go, fuck off. I've got my elbow deep in that. I went in the car on the way home from Asda. Again, chococone flakes. It came back for a bit, you know, but I didn't see them anyway. Again, it's the health thing in it. But the fucking shit we eat when we eat. Ricycles. Remember, bicycles.

Oh, my God, get in my face. Ricycles, what? Even as a child, I remember one bowl of riceicles. At the end, I was like, bit much that, bit sweet now. Never, never. Oh yeah. I can't believe Frosties are still on the shelves. I adore Frosties.

Oh, amazing. Absolutely amazing. It's like having a sticky toffee pudding. It is Easter holidays, actually. I might get a badder box of cereal. A badder box? A badder box. A badder box of cereal.

A badder box of cereal. A naughty box. A naughty box? Yeah what do you fancy? Oh you're twatting out what you want, crunchy nut cornflakes? Get me some Old Bran. Oh god. I'll treat myself. Fruit and fiber. Yeah go on. I'll treat myself with some oats. Get me some oats. I hate you. How much fruit is an Old Bran? What do you want if I get a naughty box? Robin likes the Jaws ones from B&M's. Yeah, Jaws, you like Spider-Man from out there as well. Oh, Spider-Man, they're not quite nice.

My question is, when there's only one ball's worth left in that box, how much are you gonna buy that ball off him for? Oh, god, sick. Started something now, haven't I? And the thing is, Robin's so fucking clever. He's gonna now start like- Oh, he's so clever.

He's gonna buy stuff and then sell it to me. Oh, and then you'll go, well Robin, can I buy that box of Frosties off you? And he'll be like, yeah, yeah. And you'll open them and you'll realise he's cut them with normal corn flakes. Yeah, no he won't. Like a drug dealer. He's like, yeah, actually he would. Also YouTube, we're talking about it just in the intro, we've got rid of it again. It's

like, it's just ridiculous. The parent and mine field, I feel like we have to go through now is such a crop of shit and I'm so sick of it. And I know it's our responsibility. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but at the same time, oh God, there's just too much choice and it's driving my children mad. And then we have to deal with the repercussions of our children's madness. So it's cause it's not, again, I've choice, and it's driving my children mad, and then we have to deal with the repercussions of our children's madness. So. It's cause it's not, again, I've talked about before,

it's cause it's not, On demand, Van, they get everything on demand. Yeah, it's on demand, so it's doom scrolling, and it's like you can just say what you want. And it's not regulated, and it's just every YouTube video is just fucking pricks screaming. Everything's over the top. Everything's dialed up to 11.

Oh my God, I just got them on 11 up to 11 oh my god oh fucking hell guys like watching nine hours of fun house yeah like fun house is only on for half an hour yeah but just the bit where they're looking for the stuff oh yeah yeah yeah just nine hours of just the bit where they're looking for the stuff in the house the end game of screaming it's like watching nine hours of screaming oh god shut up yeah and then reaction, he watches reaction videos of some fucking dick sitting there reacting to something. Yeah.

That's what tipped me over the edge. I'm sure they're not dicks, I'm sure, you know, I've always said YouTubers deserve the money they get because the hours that they put in and the editing that they do, they put a lot of stuff in, but I just want my kid to watch them when he's a bit older. Yeah. I'm sure they're arid, I'm sure they're nice kids, right, but I just want my kid to watch them when he's older. Well. Yeah. I'm sure there are, I'm sure they're nice kids, right? But I just want my kid to watch them when they're older. Well, yes they are, but at the same time,

they keep saying Holy Cow. They do say Holy Cow. And Jesus, and it's like, can you? On Easter. On Easter. On Easter Sunday, there's little kids, not little, because obviously, Raph wouldn't watch that, but Robin's only eight,

and that's meant to be. Well, surely the argument is that they might have put, that's on adult YouTube. I know, so it's up to us. It might be 12 plus, it's our fault. Well, anyway, we'll ban it again because he was watching this one today of this YouTuber and he was painting a full school, right,

which actually was mint, but they kept saying holy cow. And then every now and again, he would just give kids like a thousand dollars. And I was like, this is disgusting. Like why is this teenager just giving out money to kids? What the actual, and then Robin, I said Robin this is so disgusting and it's so weird, and I said to Robin, I was like,

you do understand that we don't live in a world where people just have money, and he's like sticking up for the bloke that he doesn't even know on the screen, and he's literally like, he's a nice guy, he's just giving people money, and I'm like, that's not the real world? The real world is not just some kid with blue hair giving everyone

thousand dollars. It was actually gross. Like I just yeah. Like maybe a cut. I'm hormonal. Maybe a court is in a really weird mood. But I was like, I don't want a child watching this young man. It doesn't sit right with me. Some of Mr. Beast's videos are really creative, really clever.

And obviously does some of them stunts where he's fucking healing people's blindness. And you can't you can't slag him off for that. It's the flippancy in which they give out $10,000. And I want to go Robin, do you know how many times in your life someone's going to come and give you a thousand dollars for nothing? Never fucking never. Never. And I can guarantee you're probably never going to be in a position where where you're gonna be able to do that. I mean if you are great. And if you are, if you are and I catch you giving one of your gimp fucking mates a thousand pound who really need it, I don't find the giving out the money necessary.

Yeah, I find it. And maybe that's a British thing. I don't know whether that's like a working class British thing of like, Yeah, it's good. I find it really gaudy and I don't want my child. We are sort of quite reserved. I just don't want to watch it. Yeah, we don't really talk about money. Yeah, but I don't know. I just find it odd.

And then and then kept saying, holy cow. Then one point the lad slapped the lass over the head and I'm just like, this is not, nobody's regulating this shit. No, no one's regulating it. And I'm, oh God, I feel terrible because we're creators and like, but we're, it's adults. We do this for adults, it's not, and I think children.

So anyway, we're back on monitoring it and it's not all bad and it's not gonna be, oh, dinner, just insane. So anyway, we're back on Mono. It's not all bad and it's not going to be dinner. Just insane. And did you spot when you give that kid? So this kid randomly sat down at school and there was an iPhone 12 and he's pencil case, right? And this kid was like, Oh my God, thank you so much. They were like, what are you going to do?

He's crying. But what is it? What are you going to do with that iPhone 12? You went oh, yeah I'm gonna keep it for when my iPhone 10 breaks Literally already got a top-of-the-range phone and you just This is the world we live in For when my iPhone 10 break

But I think it's just that sort of consumerist sort of capitalist thing of the American videos and just, oh God, yeah. It's just like, parents out there, does your kid ever hang around with another kid and that kid's a bit intense and annoying and your kid comes home and act a bit like that kid and it takes a while to decompress them?

Well, YouTube is basically them hanging around with that kid in their own eyes fucking on a loop forever. But listen, the end of each to their own, if you're fine with it and if your kid is fine then that's fine. There's kids out there who can get told to put their iPad down, they put it down, they walk away and it's fine. If you've got that kid fair play at you, you're welcome. Our eldest child Robin is a sponge. He is a, and literally to the point where he's defending people on YouTube. Well I said I was like he's just give those teachers like ten thousand

dollars each I was like that doesn't happen I was like that's madness that's that's great and Robin actually turned his way. Teachers have got a hard job you know dad. I'm not seeing teachers don't have a hard job. I'm saying- They deserve that money, you know, dad. Yeah, but it's- It's not real. It's not realistic. What's happening? Well, I listened to something, listen, I watched it on Instagram. And it just said- And that's another thing you said.

You said, I don't want you watching you all the time. And you went, well, you watch Instagram. I know. And that's when I- Clamped. Yeah, I brought out the nearly 40 card then. I said, I am nearly 40 years old, Robin. I can do whatever I want. When you are nearly years old Robin. I can do whatever I want. When

you are nearly 40 years old, you can do whatever you want. But right now you are eight years old and you cannot do what you want. I went full Sandra Wynna. Sorry, this is the last thing I'm going to say. It's a bad that I hit a thousand pounds in his school bag for an opening at his holiday club. Horrendous. So I watched something on Instagram a little while ago that said children, nowadays children, because they consume so much information,

they do not know what is real and what is fake in life. Yeah. This is, I'm not bullshitting you here, they find it really, really difficult to know what's real and what's fake. Because they watch so many like prank videos, they watch so much stuff and they don't, so they have no, they don't really have much concept

of like danger and yeah, it's really, it's bad. It's bad, it's really bad. So that's just our thinking of it and hope you are navigating the hell hole that is parenting in a really modern digital age. You're listening to the UK's top comedy podcast, Shockwired and White. Yep. Comedy.

No, I'm going to bring you right back to real life now. Something that I never ever thought I would see. Yesterday, I was just chatting to Chris whilst he was at the sink. He was cleaning out the fridge because he had loads of like pots. What was it like barbecues from pizzas and that like barbecues, the leftover chutneys and all that crap. Dips, pizza dips from like Domino's and the ones I get from the shop that come out with dates so obviously I don't just throw them in the bin I empty the garlic sauce out etc and I recycle the pot after I've cleaned it. Captain Planet you do. Captain Planet he's a hero.

Got solar panels now. You have got solar panels then well done. Thank you. Really really good for you. So I saw something that I didn't think I'd ever see and that was you emptying out a pot of hummus with your bare hands. Like Winnie the Pooh. Like yeah like yeah like Winnie the Pooh getting honey oh my god it was it was awful to watch why did you do why didn't you just tap it against the bin or get like a bit of kitchen roll? I've done that one before it's too gloopy that very good hummus hat from Sainsbury's it's amazing it's not Sainsbury's own brand it's the posh one what's it called then? I don't know but it's got like little bits it's got a little oil on the top of the seeds oh god it's phenomenal but yeah so't, yeah, sorry. So I tapped on the side. I've done that numerous times, made that mistake.

You just stand there tapping for ages, like you're auditioning for stomp. It doesn't come out. And I thought, what's the point in dirtying a spoon and my hands were already wet and you were looking. And I went, do you want any of this? So I thought, just took the moment really. And just, yeah.

And I didn't think it would affect you as much as it did, but you were like, oh God. So I'm funny with touching stuff, like I just, yeah, I wouldn't have been able to. Just scoop the four fingers, scoop the whole lot out and then flick it in the door. Nah, I wouldn't have been able to touch that. I would have had to get a bit of kitchen roll.

It wasn't fun. Do it with the kitchen roll. Cat and Planet, I don't waste kitchen roll. Don't waste kitchen roll. Dirty utensil, I don't have to dirty. So your hands are the best utensil. So there you go. I don't waste kitchen roll.

Have you noticed that? I wash my hands. Sounds like you're about to. Have you noticed that? I wash my hands. No, I wash my hands and then I dry them on a bit of kitchen roll, but I will keep them bits of kitchen roll all day. I told you years ago about Carl Hutchinson when I had a row with him, when I lived with him, when he got a pizza box.

He got frozen Goodfellas pizza box out of the freezer and there was frost from the freezer on top of the pizza box. And he got, I'm not kidding, six or seven bits of kitchen roll, wiped the frost off the box, threw the kitchen roll in the bin, took the pizza out the box, threw the box in the bin.

It's madness. So he just wasted kitchen roll. Yeah, wipe the frost with six bits, like so much kitchen roll, like he's racking with a fucking duvet, and then threw that away, then threw the box in the bin, and I went, what the hell are you doing? Madness. Should see my brother when he used to wipe his bum with my kids man.

Oh my god. Piles of it. Oh my god so much toilet roll. My man would go off it like he would literally just think it around his hand like that. Tiny little wipe and hardly anything and then he would do it again. Oh god. He didn't give a shit. Literally. Babadoo babadooo bababoo bababoo back This is the first radio ad you can smell the new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's It's ooey gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th terms and conditions apply Rock City you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto

Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every post-season game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the Sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMAGE, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and

show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef? Listen, I genuinely thought you were going to leave that hummus thing to the beefs. Oh, sorry, no. So I'm absolutely enthralled to say what your beef is with me because I've been a bloody gem this week. Never.

Do you know what? I don't have any beefs but I've got a couple of Ix. Oh. Okay. You. About you. It of aches. Oh. Okay. You, about you. It's always nice. Yeah. It's always nice to go,

I haven't got anything about your personality, but just things why I don't find you attractive. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had a little game of Monopoly the other day. Oh, oh yes we did. Oh yes we did. Robin wanted to play Monopoly. Robin played Monopoly for about 20 minutes

and then fucked off. So that was fun. Went to go and watch lads giving out a thousand pound. So. It's very similar to Monopoly, I suppose. It is actually. Chris and I kept playing because I really got into it. We kept playing because you started winning

and you were like, let's keep playing. I was down, I had nothing. I was on the boards of me ass. But then you did very well and you ended up winning. Just a couple of vicks that I've got that I've just wrote down. So we were up at the ends of the table and it was a bit of a stretch to move your own pieces, wasn've just wrote down. So we were at the ends of the table, and it was a bit of a stretch

to move your own pieces, wasn't it? So you would move mine when it was on your side of the board. You never let me move yours, not once. Didn't trust you. Isn't that weird though? Well, who was winning and who wasn't? Business. You wouldn't let me do yours, so that was one ick.

The other ick, I've only got two here, the next ick was every time you landed on something that you owned, you said, there's no place like home. Every time, Chris. Every time. And it was gross. So that was my mantra.

So every time I landed on something that, obviously it was something I owned, so I didn't have to pay you any rent, so it was my place, no place like home. I say you've missed another one out that I knew was annoying you. So I had a hell of a stint in jail which at a certain point. Oh you wouldn't, every time you got out of jail you wouldn't have your piece inside of the little jail that had to be on your just visiting. The jail was at your side and I was like move us to just visiting. And you were like no

one. I was like you move us to just visit. And you were like, no. And I was like, you move us to just visit. And why? Why? Why? Because you're just visiting. Optics. Optics. That's what I kept saying.

And I thought you would bite quicker. Obviously, if anyone who's watched success in business, it's all about optics, all about how it looks. I was too fixated on the fact that every time you landed on something, you said, there's no place like Optics. Tell you what, when you own a certain portion of the board on Monopoly, when you're about a third or so, two thirds into the game, going to jail is fantastic. Yeah, because then you don't have to pay.

You don't have to land on anything. So can I just say, the way we played Monopoly the other day, I've never played it like that. Oh yeah, oh, because you're playing with the big dogs now. You're playing with the tycoons. Yeah, I've never had to pay for when I've landed on something. What? That's actually the whole aim of the game aim of the game is what the fuck have you been doing who's think we've gone round and just bought stuff but never had to pay any rent oh oh you mean snowflake monopoly yeah just stay there for free it's fine peace and love fucking real world that's why that's why you got taken apart and

that's why I was so shocked when I normally I end up with like loads of money because you're so cheating who the fuck you been playing this with I haven't hand on heart I haven't really played since I was about Robin's age with me cousins at my Nana Margaret's house and you just Victoria and Ian so what was the point in buying stuff I don't know oh god and I used to always be the banker and I would cheat. Oh God! I cheated all the time. I would not trust you to be the banker.

No, I would cheat. Not now. When me and Robin played the other week, he asked to be the banker and I laughed in his face. I was like, absolutely not. I cheat with you. Shit you watch on YouTube, you should be giving money away. I know, I used to cheat all the time.

I can imagine. What's your beef with me? My beef with you is... Careful, because I'm due on an ambiguity hormone. Oh fuck off. No mercy just like monopoly no mercy. My beef with you is you keep asking me to order wardrobe doors from IKEA. Oh yes please! You say yes please and I say okay what kind do you want and you go? I'll have a look and then you don't look the next day I get it in the next I haven't ordered your doors yet

And I say okay What kind you want and you go? I'll have a look and you don't look at tellers and it goes on and on and on and you were a person who order So many things online. Why do I have to order them you fucking order them? I don't know what size I need I don't know if they're the big wardrobes are the little wardrobe they are the little ones there's two sizes two sizes that are the little ones what size is it tell us what's the little ones okay not the big ones not the big ones okay oh let me just type in the IKEA IKEA wardrobes not, not the big ones. No, just go on. No, I'm typing it in.

What's, here we go. IKEA wardrobe doors. What size? Not the big ones. Okay. What are they? Doesn't say. Bollocks, I reckon.

Doesn't say. I reckon it definitely said. Hacks, wardrobe doors with hinges, right? Reject all, I don't want you. Fucking cookies! Oh God! Why every website? Which ones do I want?

Right, okay. Not the big ones? No, okay. Oh, them are nice. Ahem. Sorry everyone. I'll have the ones that I had in the last house. I'll have Flisburgay.

Flisburgay. No, don't they have pine ones now? No. What is it called? Flisburgay. 66 wardrobe doors. I'm gonna have to take a time but I don't know what size they are. Okay, yep, there it is, there it is. So I take it back. Tizer doll on this as well. Yeah, I take it back to stop asking me to do it, right? And

this goes back, I tell you what this goes back to. I do everything else. This goes back to, this goes back to the point of initially you got above your station and you thought you could be one of those people that you saw on Pinterest who had wardrobes with outdoors on and you're a fucking slob and you can it can you? Yeah it's bad. There it is. You saw someone on Pinterest and it was all laid out. Oh and there had been one bag on that shelf.

Oh and there had been a pair of pristine shoes on that shelf. Oh and there had been inner lighting. Oh and then two pairs of pants were hanging on your thought. I'll be that person. Youistine shoes on my shelf. Oh, and there'll be an inner lighten. Oh, and then two pairs of pants would have been hanging on your thought. I'll be that person. You're not that person. You're a very much pile of clothes on the floor, kick them into a wardrobe and shut the door.

Yes. We'll order your own fucking doors. So I'll have four fleece beguise. 50 by one nine five? I don't, the littler ones. They don't serve if they're little or they're big. They're too different. Oh, so it's a smaller of the two sizes.

There it is. There it is. I'm going by price. These are cheap. You've just worked it out. The smaller of the two sizes. The littler ones. Two size.

Good luck with that. Right, guys. Okay, so 50 by 195 or 50 by 229. So the one, are they smaller? Are they definitely smaller? Oh, I'm gonna stop the recording because this is painful. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam.

It's time for questions from the public. Four Flisbygays have been ordered. I'm just trying to calm down, calm myself down. Sorry about, I'm so sorry about that everyone. I'm really sorry. Why do you still listen to this? What is, I wouldn't listen to this.

Honestly, what's her, please? It is very much the mental breakdown. Kirsty She's doing a rag. She just shouted everyone. Adam's Dad Yeah. Kirsty Eee, gosh! Anyway, here we are. Adam's Dad Four Flisbegears are, you know, whisking their Flisbegear in their way here and everything's cool. Kirsty I care wardrobes, man.

Adam's Dad Yeah, they're pretty cool. Kirsty Beautiful. Adam's Dad So, thank you so much for everything you sent to us. All of the questions, all of the Ix, all of the stories, the would-you-rathers, absolutely everything you sent. Like we've said before, this podcast would not be what it is without you wonderful people. It would just be, I mean, the whole of it would just be the argument that we've been doing for half an hour or so. So, let's just have some, let's have some input by you wonderful people.

If you want to send anything in at all, it's shagmiredenoid at gmail.com. Thank you. Just quickly though, IKEA, if you are listening where have your gherkins gone? Oh yeah they've stopped doing them. They've just stopped doing them just don't sell them anymore. Don't sell them. Why? Maybe husbands across the land got sick of watching that. I mean you were doing it yesterday actually you get you you get you you've got a different gherkin dealer now where you get your gherkins from and I was having a conversation with you yesterday and you were just drinking gherkin juice straight from the jar. It's actually really good for your stomach although actually that might be why I ship it all the time.

It might not be. Oh god. Maybe it's not good. I can't work out what would be worse because you drink it from the jar but sometimes you drink it like a... I don't drink it from the jar. You do it with a little teaspoon. I do it with a little teaspoon. Okay so you put that's even worse. I don't drink it from the jar. It's worse, because you put the teaspoon in and then you put the full teaspoon in your mouth and you suck it, get your sly roll over it and you dip it back in. No one else can have them gherkins now. Nobody else eats them. Aye, now and then, there's chicken wrap, I like a little bit of gherkin. If we're having burgers, I'll have a little bit of gherkin. Right. Yeah, not with your player I'll have them though. Oh. Man'm a manky. Oh, alright then. Next time you want any sort of business,

I'll be absolutely not partaking of that because how, you know, saliva. Okay. So, yeah. Good. Yeah. Well, don't want your fanny all over me food either. So there you go.

Hi Rosie and Chris. Listen to the podcast with the revenge dessert has reminded me of a little tale. I was thinking about about I was in the supermarket the other day and I saw a ghetto and I thought about that fucking disgusting next time you you gaze at a ghetto get that ghetto in your basket I'm not gonna start now no chance stupid stupid thing get rid of them they don't we don't need them we've got cakes we've got ice cream we don't need some kind of bastard eyes mix get rid of them get them in't need them, we've got cakes, we've got ice cream, we don't need some kind of bastardised mix, get rid of them, get them in the bin, uninvent them. It's moose actually.

Uninvent them, moose is pointless, uninvent them. My aunt works with an 80 year old woman, we will call her Brenda. Fair play if she's still working like. Brenda's husband passed away a few years ago and ever since her stepdaughter, we will call her Hilda, no idea of her actual name, has been a complete bitch to her. Oh Jesus. Hilda and family and Brenda all live in Nottingham but Hilda's husband works in Birmingham. The week before Valentine's Day Brenda and her mate also in her 80s.

Sorry who's, Brenda's the old one. Brenda is the elderly lady. Yeah Brenda's the elderly lady. Hilda is a step daughter. Hilda's a step daughter and Hilda's husband works in yes well done got you sorry I completely just freaked out there the week before Valentine's Day Brenda and her mate also in her eighties drove the 90 minute journey to Birmingham to post a Valentine's Day card from a Birmingham post box the card was addressed to Hilda's husband wishing him a happy Valentine's Day from an unknown person.

Shut up! I'm not. That's amazing! The genius behind this being that the card will be marked as coming from Birmingham and Hilda will now think her husband is having an affair with someone from Birmingham. Ohhh! I'm good that we won't get to find out what happens but you can only imagine the turmoil in that house.

You sneaky little oggnogenarians. I also feel slightly sorry for the husband. Wow. Wow. Wow. Funny if he is actually having an affair and he's like oh my god. Oh that's dreadful. It's deceitful.

It's oh fair play. Hi Rosie and Chris. Just listened to the latest episode where Chris's beef was the fact that Rosie had accidentally nearly killed one of his mates by offering him a taste of her tea containing peanut satay. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

True story. But as he's allergic, he thankfully realised in time and didn't sample the delight. And it was a delight actually. I put some in the freezer, I might take one out for my tea. Oh no, we've got Hello Fresh actually.

Do you know that the same friend went to went for a curry in a curry house that I will not name. He went and he told them he was allergic to nuts and they gave him his food and there was nuts in it he didn't know and he's full on lips and everything swelled up and they didn't even take it off the bill. They gave him a new one without nuts in. Told him to calm down and then he was like well I'm not paying for it and they're like no you have to it's on the bill. They gave me a new one without nuts in. Told me to calm down and then he was like well I'm not paying for it and they're like no you have to it's on the bill. Made in peace, paid his full bill. I was like you're a fucking nutcase I would have had to flip the table over and that. Jesus. Yeah made in peace, full bill. Not good. This reminded me of the day my sister gave my daughter a spoonful of the tea she was cooking whilst

we were visiting her. Now my daughter who was about 12 at the time is also allergic to peanuts and has an EpiPen to carry in the event of a severe reaction. Has he got an EpiPen? Err yes. What a... honestly, genuinely there's a lot in comedy and in popular culture people take the make out of no allergies. What an unfortunate allergy to have. Yeah. Because they are in so many things. Try and go sweet, sweet but sort of behave yourself. That make sense? So like if you're going for a sweet treat,

but you're not just going to have like, you know, a bar of chocolate, you want to go a little bit healthier. Down your tracker bar, no chance. Down your sort of breakfast bar, no chance. I think there's a child in Robin's school who's got a nut allergy, so you can't send anything in at all. Yeah, when you talk to them,

it gets complicated. You sent me the shopper phone, said get them some snacks for school, but make them a bit healthy. It's fucking impossible. I know, I know. Fruit or nothing. Yeah, and Robin does actually love nuts.

Oh, I gave Rafa pistachio nut the other week, did I tell you? No. It was on the edge of my bloody seat. Really? He was fine, I. He was absolutely fine. Anyway, right, here we go.

The daughter's got an EpiPen, okay? Yep. The vegetarian curry her auntie was preparing was offered to her alone to sample as she had decided she too was going to be vegetarian. Right. Here, try this, it's delicious, my sister proclaimed. Several minutes later, my sister had a moment of clarity. Oh shit, I put peanut butter in the curry.

Oh God, I didn't think, sorry. All that stuff. Now, my sister is a beauty therapist and has a room in her house she uses as a treatment room. Can anyone else hear that noise? Asked my daughter, as me and my sister were looking at each other and at my daughter for any immediate signs of a reaction.

Now, one of the feelings of a severe allergic reaction is an impending sense of doom. Oh! I didn't know that. No, what can you hear? we asked. Angels singing, she replied. Shut up. Mm-hmm.

She thinks she's dying. Oh. What? we said. Heaven, she answered. Sorry. She can hear heaven. Looking at each other and starting to worry, my sister had another moment of clarity. Coming from her treatment room was the tranquil music she plays to help relax her clients. Hearing

this and knowing she'd been fed a spoonful of the thing that makes her severely react, my daughter did in fact think she was dying. Everything turned out alright in the end after we reassured her it wasn't the death mark she was hearing and the antihistamines worked their magic. Oh my god. I did I ever tell you I almost got put unconsciously I did BGG and I heard a gong that no one else heard. Oh Jesus. No I have not. No and I'm glad. Why are you waiting on here? Where I can't, you know no one can see me eye rolls here. Right. What happened? Very much implied. Everyone knows that you're doing it. Very much. Yeah. What happened?

So we're doing triangle chokes, which is where you get your legs around someone's neck and one arm in. So they end up like this. Awful. And you're around that armpit and the neck and you push. It's like a blood choke. So the lad on the bottom, he wasn't nipping, so you've basically got to lift your hips and you've got to essentially get the back of your knee,

a bite on their neck. It's called to get a bite, get a good, get your first bit on and you can actually finish a triangle with one leg. So you've got it and he didn't get the bite and I kept going so you haven't got the bite here and he was like trying again and again and he finally got the bite and he was like, is that it? And I was like, that's it. And then the coach came over and started explaining something while he had the bite on me neck. And I went, lads, lads, lads. And I had to like push his leg off.

And I just heard like, wow, like a gong. And I went, did anyone else hear that? I went, what was that? And there's a builder in the corner doing a bit of work, it's a new gym. And I went, did he just drop something? Did you hear that loud like gong, that bang? And they were like, no. And I went, did he just drop something? Did you hear that loud gong, that bang? And they were like, no.

And I was like, oh. So I was literally, and I went all dizzy, but I heard a gong that wasn't there, because I was just about to pass out. I literally, I watched a story the other day saying that a lot of people who've had near-death experiences hear a gong. Oh yeah, yeah, it was a big, loud gong.

I'm totally bullshitting you. Oh, right. That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. I did, I heard a gong? Oh yeah, yeah it was a big loud gong. I'm totally bullshitting you. Oh right. That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. I did, I heard a gong. I heard a gong. The gong of death. The temple, the temple though a corner's back. Oh no, it was only a deal in the front of the tent, so I can't do that. Oh god, the house would have been paid off and everything. Oh there you go. I'm joking. House gets paid off if I die. Yeah. I'm joking. How's it gets paid off if I die? Yeah. And, hey, and if you die?

Oh, yay. My love. Right, stop it. Oh, we're joking, guys. I'm so sorry. That's not nice to say. Hey, look, you've got to joke about these things. You do have to joke, but genuinely, please just stop.

I'm not stopping. It actually, no, no, I don't, I'm not saying stop it. I think it's great that you do it, but just be careful. I was. We were drilling. You really hurt your shoulder and it's just like- My shoulder's so fucked. I've been off for two weeks, I could cry. A week and a half I haven't been to BJJ

and it's really affecting us mentally. I need to go back so much. I might just go back but not do this sparring at the end. Although then again, I nearly got uncut. That was drilling, that wasn't sparring. Oh God, honestly, I could just think of it just to better things. No, it's class.

Safe our things. Class! Good for you. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, long time listener, kind of jumped on the bandwagon but enjoying it nonetheless. That's alright. What? You're allowed to be on the bandwagon. That doesn't make sense. Well, we don't, I don't. How can you be a long time listener who's jumped on the bandwagon? Short term listeners have jumped on the bandwagon, surely? I don't know. Not that there's anything wrong with either of them things. Hey, as

long as you're on the god damn bandwagon, come on up. Why is it bandwagon anyway? Don't know. I see it a lot. Here we go. All right, let's go. Hey, Jamie, can you get that up? Jamie's just getting it up.

Who's Jamie? It's off to a roll. Two seconds. Oh, there we go. The origin of the phrase jump on the bandwagon. For those not familiar, when you jump on the bandwagon, it means you begin supporting a hobby idea or person etc after it has become popular or successful. There we go. Yeah but what does it mean?

I'm trying to fucking find out! Don't you shout at me! The word bandwagon is a rather unimaginative name for a wagon that carried a circus band. It first appeared in print in the equally unimaginative titled book, The Life of P.T. Braunem something written by a guy called that. I don't know. Just means that you're catching on to something before after it's been... oh anyway that's explained nothing. Back then circuses were going to finish. Usually when you say what does that mean and where does that come from it would be like back in 1905 Charles Bandwagon decided to make a wagon and when everyone's seen his wagon they got on the wagon and that's why they call it

yeah on the bandwagon but that's crap anyway listen to this something about someone listen to this too good to miss tra la la la la la do i have a story for you okay back to the email about one of your longtime listeners oh it is no need to keep them anonymous anonymous and on anonymous because I'm pretty sure this situation is absolutely unique to them you don't actually mention the name so that's fine so they are kind of anonymous I think he means that they'll know who they are. So it says here, I am a normal person. Do normal.

I had a mouthful of water there and I do now believe that to be an email from an alien. I am a normal person who do normal things. I do normal person things. I am a normal person who do normal things. I do normal person things. I am a normal person. I am a normal person do normal person things and assumed that all of my friends were normal people and also did normal person things. Right, never assume that.

And two, I don't believe you to be normal. I believe you to be weird as fuck. It's gonna be about sex. I get it, but you know, I am a normal person. How wrong I was, okay. So being a normal person. Right, that's it. Now don't protest. I tell you what you have hammered this home so much. Me and my wife like to go out with

friends go to the pub have people over for dinner etc like all the other normal people do. I feel like I'm reading the record of achievement at a job interview. On a weekend I like to go out with my friends and I do sports and normal things. I go to, Bob. I come home from Bob. We had a party a couple of weeks ago where the drink was flowing and some secrets escaped from some of our friends.

Okay. Look at them again. Secrets escaped. Secrets about their sex life to which I am mind blown. Okay. But still normal. Now, I know there are fetishes and things people like to get up to behind closed doors. I'm sure we all have different turn-ons and weird shit like that going around, but their

kind of thing just blew my mind. Okay. Can't remember how, but we got onto weird experimental things in the bedroom, in brackets, made me and my wife seem vanilla as shit, but each to their own. A few couples admitted they liked the big A. A no. Apples. A no. Right, sorry. Others that they had tried threesomes. One couple a bit of leather and bondage. All the

standard usual kind of just out the box stuff. I do believe that this being their party. I believe they cock blocked an orgy this evening. I feel like they have. They really have. I feel like the really have. I feel like the rest of them have been up for, oh yeah, we're that, oh yeah, yeah, we're that. Yeah, we like that. Yeah, we're dead normal.

By the way, it's half nine, can you all fuck off? Also, bleh. So all the usual kind of out the park stuff. Not this couple, no. They like dressing up as celebrity couples when they have sex, including using cardboard face masks that sometimes they order online or sometimes make themselves from internet images. They would call each other by those celebrity names whilst having sex and pretend they were

actually these people. Weird right? Yes, but it gets weirder. They said if they were feeling particularly adventurous they would make the couples cheat on each other and mix random celebrities over with other celebrities. If they were feeling really naughty they might indulge in some same sex celebrity fun. Apparently they would stain character throughout and even after the deed was done talk about how guilty they felt or how naughty it was cheating on their partner. My God. So me and my wife couldn't quite believe this so we asked what celebrities they had masks of.

They had the usuals, Portia and Bex, Harry and Meghan, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, etc. But also a few more, let's say, lower tiered celebrities. Don't. Like, Jamie and Rebecca Vardy right Tom Holland and Zendaya they are not the world level but that's fine yes you guessed it no Chris and Rosie Ramm shut up man no no I tell you what though we're keeping good company there like he has named them can I say them no Just in case. It says my friends and it says the names have dressed up as you and had sex. Apparently they've also made Chris cheat on Rosie before with some of the other celebs.

Oh, who? Who have I cheated with there? Oh, David Beckham. Let's hope. I'll check David Beckham. I mean, Posh, obviously Posh. Obviously Posh. How funny. Please, as I said before, no need to keep them anonymous. Yeah, we're not, just in case. Literally can't.

I'm not getting sued for your bullshit. That's a couple of questions. Do you reuse the masks or sometimes are they unusable? I.e. have you spaffed on them? Are they wipe clean? Are they laminated? Second question, do you do the voices? Oh, okay.

Because I do believe that would actually be, I think that would probably be hilarious and you would put it off. I feel like you'd have to just do your voice. I don't think we could take sex seriously if we were being, you know, Pozzenbeks or like, you know, I just don't think we'd be able to do it. What is that?

Yeah, I was thinking of a voice I could do. I don't know. Lohatia Celebrity Superbudo. Oh, about Rooney's. What about the Rooney's? Oh, you could do where I could do. I could put I could go online, find a Paddy McGinnis mask. I do Paddy McGinnis.

And then what I wouldn't like to have sex in the dark. Yeah, but I wouldn't like to have sex in the dark, though, because no lighting, no light. That's the only one I can do. Sorry Patti. That's so strange knowing that people do that. That's actually, I don't know how I feel about that. Dirty. It's very weird. Very weird. But at the same time. But again eh, I keep some. At least we're getting sex somewhere. Keep going.

Keep going. Keep going. Well done you. I enjoy that a lot. Very well done. Good stuff. Do you know what it is? It's each to their own isn't it? I just err, maybe it's when the kids get older, maybe it's when we will get like this. But right now it's just a wow bad thing now. I suppose you don't have a lot of time on your hands to go on like that. I'm married for putting masks on and that though. It's a bit strange isn't it? Like I don't like the... unless you're doing really disgusting horrible things. I don't like the judge. That's quite innocent to me.

It is quite innocent. That's quite innocent. They're just like dressing up as famous people. You know. It's better than standing outside the houses and waiting for them. Yeah yeah but I'll do that and I don't like being judged for doing that. Each to their own. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Thank you again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mildenoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network.

Thank you, thank you so so much. Sorry, just gonna take my David Beckham mask off. Yeah, there we go. And me again, and me again, and me again. Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to get in touch with shagmildenoid at gmail.com if you'd like to wear masks of our face while having sex. Make sure you do the voice or it doesn't count, right?

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is, right? And yeah, you know, face while having sex make sure you do the voice or it doesn't count right oh yeah yeah yeah it is right and yeah you know what was me what was the thing I did on taskmaster no way bye this is the first radio ad you can smell The new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks

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