Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 265. Blah de blah

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie have a house guest who Chris is over the moon about! They discuss holiday abonnement issues, UFC and the correct colour of pooh. There's a bicep curl ick and a holiday getting high story! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, you're listening to Shag Mind annoyed with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey, we've got a dog no We have what? Dog, we've got a dog. Stop. There's a dog downstairs. My sister has gone on holiday, but we'll talk about that later I love born of contention and not me not me with a bone of contention. No way and Bay her dog is here for the day day. And now Chris wants a dog. He's just, you know what? It's just the way he just pads around. Like when he comes in and he barks

and goes off, like when she brings him around, it's almost unbearable. He barks, it just goes right through you. But once he's calmed down and he's just trotting around the house. I was just making some toast earlier on and he was just walking around. He was looking at us, he was like,

what are you doing? I was like, oh, I get it. He's had a look, isn't he? I get it. Our gardener's like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, they say, oh, I get it. He's had a lovely day. I get it. Our gardener's privilege, they've been here today and they bring the dogs with them. Yeah, and he went outside. And he went outside and he's had probably the best

15 minutes. It's unbelievable. We could have took bets on that. It was like a fucking UFC match. They're loving it though. Well, they were like fighting. Lot of ball looking and that though, wasn't it? Lot of penis looking. Is that how you greet your mates?

No, not recently. We're not popping the pub and the lads are there. We all just sniff each other's balls and cocks and horses, that's how I, is that how you, is that how you greet your mates? No, not recently. When I pop in the pub and the lads are there, we all just sniff each other's balls and cocks and horses and that. Do you not do that? No. That's weird innit? Men and women, so different. Um, girls. Do you know, I'm really panicking though, because I know the kids away. Yeah. She's going to be listening to me.

Auntie Kathleen's looking after the dog. She's going to be listening to this. Yeah. And she won't have been home. This is coming out on Friday and she's not home. I think she's gone for 10 days. They're lazy, lazy, good for nothing. Bitch, there she is.

I love you, I'm joining. I'll get into why it's a bone in the intention later on. And she'll be really missing him. So I don't wanna talk about him too much because I think it'll upset you. I think Kate, I don't wanna upset you. He had a lovely time. He's's absolutely fine, by the way. He's loving life. And he's getting spoiled by Annie Cath and he's fine.

Kate couldn't have. Sorry. Sorry. Have you just have you just mistook this podcast for a voice note that you're sending? I feel like I'm so sorry to everybody. But this is actually messages to your sister. If you don't mind, don't be so rude, don't listen in. This is actually a personal message between me and my sibling, actually. Well, what I was gonna say is, Kate wouldn't have been able to watch him play with those dogs, because I got a little bit stressed out.

But the gardener knows he's getting, he was like, oh, they're just sorting out a pecking order. And they did, they just kind of wrestled. The oldest wrestled for a while. Don't, Matt, stop. It was fucking intense. Stop, she'll be worried. It was intense.

Stop. I was taking bets, me, like, I was like, which one's gonna last here? The weirdest thing I think I've ever seen in my life though was, so Simon our gardener, hi Simon, does he listen to the podcast? He does. Oh, hello. He hosed him down. Mm-hmm.

And then, because they were scruffy, right? And then you took the hairdryer outside his idea Not mine you're drying there with the hairdryer. It was just weird in the garden. Yeah, very strange Yeah, we had a little life. Well hey had it inside didn't having a dog for a day didn't hate it looking forward No, get one. We're not getting one when your kids stop cuddling you. That's when you get a dog I'm telling you when I'll be really sad but at the same time, you know, I'll find other ways to cope. Nice. Now we'll get a two o'clock. So listen, it's two o'clock. It's gone down from four o'clock. So it is episode 265. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Please follow and subscribe or whatever the fuck it is on all your little

podcast apps. That'll be lovely. And it's time without further ado for this week's a lucrative lucrative sponsor. Big fan of this one, Rosie, big fan of the sponsor, big part of my life, big, big part of my life. What could it be? Let me just guess. Okay, you'll never get it, but go on then. Is it eggs? No, we're getting close.

Egg, we're eating loads of eggs at the minute. I'm obsessed with boiled eggs right now. My thoughts are disgusting, I'm so sorry. I wasn't gonna say that, but you're literally, the first thing you said before I pressed record, the last thing you said before I pressed record was my thoughts are disgusting. I'm so sorry. I wasn't going to say that, but you're literally the first thing you said before I pressed record. The last thing you said before I pressed record was my farts are disgusting. Which was just- So bad that I held it in when Bear was in the air with us because I thought he'd start licking me crotch.

Like, you know when dogs love farting, I don't know. If we had an HR department, I believe I would be emailing them quite constantly about you. Why? Massive monkey farts, dog licking your fanny, like all of that. Just HR. The love of crotch is now worse when you're in public and a dog sniffs your fanny, like all of that, just HR. The love of crotch, it's now worse when you're in public and a dog sniffs your crotch like as a woman. Wash your fanny. I do want to wash my fanny all the time.

Get a wash now then. I've stopped using soap, have you noticed? And therein lies the problem. Okay. You're not meant to use soap. And I've stopped and actually at first it was a bit whiffy but it's actually self cleaned. So there you go it does work. I've talked about this a while ago. Hey guys I've tried and tested it and it

does start washing itself. You just use water. Okay so I yeah you've almost shot on my sponsor a little bit. Oh sorry go on carry on. No it's fine. It's just a bit weird. It's not eggs. It's what? It's not eggs. It's not eggs. Stop giving her eggs. She can't have eggs. This week's lucrative sponsor is Banana Breath. Hey, really elevate your morning with that dry, earthy, putrid banana stench. And why stop there?

Complete the whole ensemble with an additional dose of coffee breath. Still dry, earthy, hot morning coffee and banana breath. Mmm. Your old maths teacher would be proud. It's disgusting. And then you, don't eat anything else because you've just, you know, decided not to eat. You're eating a lot more nowadays actually. I'm eating a bit more. I slid down and I'm bulking back up. Disgusting. Yeah. Your breath. All that seems to happen to me now around this house.

Wraith's the only one who's not absolutely repulsed by us. Yeah, I've got I reckon I've got three years left until Wraith's repulsed. Robin started, you know, I spoke about it while I go on the podcast, started seeing me fart stink. Now he says my breath stinks. Now he just says I stink. Does he say your breath stinks? Yeah. Does he tell you all the time? Sometimes when I cuddle on the morning, he's like, no,

you don't want to go anywhere near that. Wraith is my last. And then once Wraith says you stink, you're horrible, sometimes when I cuddle in the morning, he's like, no, you don't want to go anywhere near, that rave is my last. And then once rave says you stink, you're horrible, you're minging, dog time. The dog would never say it. Tick tock, tick tock, dog time. The dog would love it. The dog would literally lick your ear, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would like lick your breath. Well, the dog was here five minutes ago and I farted and blamed it on the dog. Best thing

ever. Blamed it on the dog. Just went out as a dog. Fuck. What a life. What a life. Do you know the worst dog fart I've ever smelled was when we were younger. Me and my sister both had a, she babysat first and then I did. Yeah?

Like I overtook her babysitting job. At someone else's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was for the kids over the back of us. They're not kids anymore. They've got kids now. Crazy. Mad how time works.

And they had a dog for a little while. It was a boxer dog called Buddy. He was absolutely gorgeous. Awful to take on a walk. Like really just kind of rat like. Strong old. Strong old. Strong, really strong.

Yeah, yeah. And when they shake their head. Oh. I know. Buddy was so, he was just like one of the luscious dogs ever like gorgeous beautiful and His father's word putrid right putrid and you'd be sat and you just be with the kids be men You'd like watch the telly and you were far and you just look at you and you'd be like, oh god And then you'd smell it like a couple of minutes later

What's the most pure dog fart you've smelled? Email it in shagmanyoad.gmail.com Speaking of dog farts and dog poo and dog smells, stop letting your dog shit in the park or just pick up your dog shit. No, no, let your dog shit in the park. Just pick your dog shit up. Pick up your dog shit. Oh, we went to the park on Saturday. Another day at the park of just having to scrape dog shit off your shoes when you get home

and I'm, I am so sick of it. I think it's time for another sponsor. I think it's time for another lucrative sponsor. Come on then. Taking your kids to the park. Taking your kids to the park. 45 minutes of fun, an hour and a half of cleaning dog shit off your clothes and possessions when you get home. Taking your kids to the park. So upsetting. I was hosing shoes down, I had to hose the micro scooters down, there was shit all over them.

I don't know what the hell was going on. It's so bad, and because this, it's just because there's so many dogs nowadays. And this is not everyone, most people I know, most decent people pick up their dog shit. I think we've talked about this a lot. We have talked about it a lot because it's just something that I just- When you've got kids it's annoying. It's so annoying! Yeah.

And like, you know, it can make kids blind. Yeah. Yeah, there is that. Like babies and stuff, if they fall down and stuff, and you know, it can make kids blind. Yeah, yeah there is that. So like babies and that, if they fall down and stuff. And you know, however if you try to flip and compile it back there, you don't know where that came from. Probably dog shit. Probably dog shit.

Probably dog shit. Please, please, I'm just begging you. Don't be a dick, pick up your dog shit. Oh, and I'm gonna go around schools. Why am I so, why am I so desperate to do a school tour? and I'm gonna go around schools. Why am I so desperate to do a school tour and just tell kids what to do? You're just like being a bossy fucker. I think it is.

Like I think it is. So hi Mrs. Ramsey, yeah welcome. Yeah, we've got you in for the dog poo talk. Just wondering, this is an infant school, so do you have to say shit and dick? Yeah, it's part of the package. Is there any way you could just change it just for this? I'm so sorry, I really don't wanna get in a fight with you,

Mrs. Crotch, whatever your name is. Mr. Crotch. Mr. Crotch. I don't wanna get into a fight with you, sir, but that's me slogan. It took no, sorry sir, I'm gonna have to stop you there. It took me a long time. She's just turned six years old there. Well they're gonna have to live and learn aren't they? Okay. They'll have heard worse. Right. They'll have heard worse. Okay okay good and we're not gonna do the talk if that's okay. It's your loss. Look forward to having loads of dog shit around your school.

Is that because they're gonna leave it or on the way out you're gonna throw it around because that's your thing when you get cancelled? Bit of both. Great, great. Well there we go. There's an intro. There's an intro. Let's get a jingle. Let's get this party started. Let's hear why you are fuming that your sister is on holiday. Yeah. That was very radio. Very like, you know, local radio. I enjoyed that a lot. Email in. Just remind me. You've radio. I enjoyed that a lot. Email in, shegwannotechd.com. You've never, remind me, sorry.

What? We'll digress, we'll talk about it later. Just I've done local radio and that's, that was me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, load of shite. Yeah, don't go anywhere. I'm gonna tell you all about this. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed FM. FM! Welcome back to this week's episode of me sister's a bitch cusses on holiday and I'm not. Do you know what it is?

Some things happened this week which has never happened to me before. So me mom's on holiday. Firstly devastated. Hate it when me mom goes on holiday because I just feel abandoned. Feel a bit lost if I'm honest with you. So me mom's on holiday, my sister's on holiday, also abandonment. Guess who else is on holiday with my sister?

I. Fucking, my dad? Yeah. So my dad's away, and so it's just me and my brother, here, home, fending for ourselves. But that's not here. I live with you, you're an adult, but I have realized with your mom and your sister

being away and your sister being essentially on a cruise and quite uncontactable, you have spoken to me a lot more about stuff. Oh have I? I've had more conversations with you. Oh God, really? It's been quite nice. Oh really? I'm gonna get needy. I'm gonna get needy next week and I'm gonna be like talk to us

because I'm used to it now. No, why? Why you gotta? This is our job, we talk to each other all the time. Sometimes it's nice to be talked to off the clock. You know, when you're not getting paid for it. I don't want to just get conversed with when you're bloody, when you've clocked in, when you're on the meter, when the meter's on. Listen to me, stay professional. Don't get him over your station.

No, it's a weird little feeling. Like, I mean, my Kev's absolutely fine. Cause I said to him, I was like, do you not feel a bit- Is that cause he's not a fucking baby? Do you think that's probably cause he's a grown up, not a complete baby. I don't know, I just don't like it.

Listen, don't like it at all. Don't like it, feel a little bit uneasy about it. Excuse me. Nice bird. No, no, my mom, sorry. My mom's away with her friend, Joyce. She's actually back. She'll be back before the podcast comes out.

Kate is on a cruise, which I was also invited on. Cause she's got my dad. So basically my dad Kate is on a cruise, which I was also invited on because she's got my dad. So basically, my dad never been on a cruise before. And just decided to spend his full pension clearly and had no one to go with. And obviously, Kate was like, well, I'll go with you. And then she's been begging like because she's got her own cabin and with like room for another. She's been begging us to go.

And I'm like, in what world do we live in where I can leave my children for 10 days to go on a cruise? Very much enjoying her begging you to go by the way. I'd have burnt this house down if you'd have went. You'd have come back and this house would have been on fire. If it had been a four day cruise, then you know, I would have definitely floated that idea. 10 days, it's just not okay. Would not have been on board with that. Absolutely not. Don't you dare. How dare you even think of that? Isn't it really sad that that's life now?

Cause if you came to me, but even floating the idea of a 10 day cruise, I'd be like, is this some sort of sick fucking joke? Absolutely not. Would you, here's a question, here's a quick one, right? Would you rather give me one of your kidneys or let me go on a 10 day cruise? Oh my God.

And leave you the kids. It's the summer holidays. It's the middle of the summer holidays. Right. Get me booked in. I don't even need any anesthetic. No way. No way. So my friend Grace, her mom gave her dad a kidney. Beautiful.

Said dad need the kidney. Beautiful. Would you do that for me? When, how old am I? How old are you at the time? So I'm assuming they're 50s, 60s. I'm not 100% sure. I can't promise I wouldn't.

I'm really sorry. No, I think I would. We must have spoke about this before. We have, I'd give you a kidney. Would you? Yeah. What happens, what, just before I go into it, like any sort of bind, binding thing, what, what do you have to give up if you give a kidney?

It's not like your liver or anything, is it? No, I think you can live with one kidney. Yeah, I think you can drink. I mean, you don't go on a bender every single night, but it's still a glass of wine, I think. Yeah. How much could you? I doubt you could drink much, you know. Jamie, can you just get that up for me? We don't have a Jamie. I just like saying it. Just literally, how much alcohol can you drink with one kidney?

Avoid cola drinks, alcohol and coffee. Oh, sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. Wow! Cola, I would sacrifice coke for you. Hold on, hold on, hold on, that's after kidney removal. That's just after. If you have a solitary kidney you don't need to eat a specific diet however you can keep your kidney healthy by staying hydrated, not taking too much salt, not gaining

excessive weight. I think it's alright. right. I think it's absolutely fine. Those are all the things I plan on doing after I'm 50th birthday. So do you know, you didn't hear me there by the way. I said, I would give up coke for you, but not the one you put up your nose, but you were talking. And I just want everyone to know that I was joking about that. Right.

Okay, that's hilarious that, joking about drugs when we're talking about my death. Really, really shit joke. Why have you got to do it? We made the conversation. I'm just hydrated. I read the kidney thing and I just had to hydrate. I swear to God. I read the kidney thing and it said stay hydrated. I was like, oh my God, when was the last time I had a drink? So I quickly had a drink. I swear. You are insane. I'd 100% give you a kidney, right? But obviously because I'm, you know, because I'm quite blunt and quite weird in

some things I say, I'd a hundred percent give you a kidney. Hands down. If you needed a kidney, you're going to have one of my kidneys. No question asked. However, if question, yeah, if we were matching everything. But then if further down the line it turned out that, you know, you were on your way out because of something not kidney related, I'd be like, dibs. You can't do that. I'll be like, I'll have them back. So that happened in Grey's Anatomy. Oh for fuck's sake.

A friend gave their friend one of their kidneys. She's gonna hydrate while I'm listening to this. The friend died. Stop it. And they wanted the kidney back and they were like, that's not a thing we can do. They can't do it. You can't swap one back out? No. What gives you the other one? No, it's not. Unless you're dying, you can't have your kidney back.

So it's you've got to you've got to give that kidney away. Are you telling me kidneys are no take you back seas? No, take you back seas. You don't know. Take your back seas on kidneys. Erase these full stop. No, take your back seas. What if when you what if when they take the kidney out,

I've got my fingers crossed and I say skin cheese and then say they didn't see you cheese and then say no take you back sees and I said look doctor I think you're fine if you look under the gown I did have my fingers crossed. The doctor would say get this moron out of my OR. The problem is if I give you a kidney if I ever got ill if anything happened I would really hold that against you. There it is. That's not that you'll hold something against me with no factual evidence.

Definitely would. Got you. Well keep that in mind eh. Yeah love you. Just having a little look. Stand up a bit. Give a little look at him. Give a little look at the goods. What? What do you mean? I'll have the left.

Why? That just looks a bit plump. I like it. Oh god. Kimmy's will have plenty on him. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Did something the other day which has brought me so much joy. This looks a bit plump. I like it. Oh God. Kidneys will have plenty on them. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Did something the other day, which has brought me so much joy.

Okay. We showed the kids a clip on YouTube of Stavros Flatley. Oh yes. Remember Stavros Flatley? So good. So good. We showed them it and then I put loads of, like, Lord of the Dance music on.

And they were just, it was one of the Dance music on and they were just... It was one of the best 10 minutes of my life. The video was fantastic. Yeah. The old copy of Stavros Flatley's Little Kid. They all copied off. They both copied off. It was very funny. I love stuff like that. That just brings joy. That was like old school Saturday night TV, wasn't it? That was peak Britain's Got Talent. Stavros Flatley was peak, peak Britain's Got Talent.

Just brilliant. Yeah. He made a lot of money, I think think out of that. He did very well. But it was just like it's that it's that one of them beautiful moments that I think obviously shows like Britain's Got Talent and stuff they do have a shelf life sadly but he come out and he was just a just a dude doing that and it was like you can see them all going what the okay oh he's an entertainer he's you know he's owning this And then when his son comes out, the first time that son comes out, heaven's above. Just brilliant.

Yeah, you kind of beat that. Nah, and the Bane's loved it. And I was like, oh guys. Honestly, controversially, I do love a dancing dog. Everyone loves a dancing dog, but I'd rather have that any day of the week. Yeah, it was just class. Yeah, big fella, little fella,

who's just as big as the big fella, fucking fantastic. If you want to cheer it up, just YouTube, Stavros Flatley. I'm also currently really enjoying the big fella. Fucking fantastic. If you want to cheer it up, just YouTube, Stavros Flatley. I'm also currently really enjoying the corn kid. Oh, he's come back in my life, hasn't he? The kid that bangs on the bottom of his corn, yeah. What is the word? It's corn.

It's corn. Weirdly, the kids don't realise how gratuitously sexual the things that the kid is seeing can actually be misconstrued to be. It's corn, a big lump with knobs. It has the juice. It has the juice. I can't imagine him a beautiful thing.

Robin at the minute, what is that song that he keeps singing and he has no idea that he's doing a sex noise. Yeah. But it's very funny. It's like, it's a song. How does it go? It's macaroni with the chicken. With the chicken strips.

Ah! But then it's, no it's, uh. Well he keeps doing it literally. I fucking hate him doing it. And I can't tell him why I don't like the noise. No, no, no. I can't tell him why I don't like the noise. That's a sex noise? Because he has no idea what sex noises are.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. You don't know this, but we are having a bit of technical difficulties and Chris is stressing out a little bit. I'm not stressing out. You are stressing. It's because I started. You've been stuttering, you've been drinking out, you did a little check and I had a drink and you went like this.

I mean, sadly you can't see my face, but just imagine someone lifting their eyebrows up and doing a couple of nods like a, ah, ah, ah. Well yeah, imagine I'm trying to test the inputs and you're opening the loudest fucking water bottle in the whole world right into your microphone. So I'm trying to test the sound levels. Me comic relief water bottle. Jealous, jealous much. Did you just go relief? Jealous.

Actually feels like a distant sort of memory slash dream. Really? Because I haven't really done anything else since then. So I'm kinda like, Just this shit. Do I still work in this industry? Can we just open a door here for you, right? This job that we have is actually mad

because we haven't had much on at the minute, which has been really good. Well, we've had this, which takes up quite a lot of time. Yes, obviously we do have a job, but it's been quite nice. But at the same time, part of your brain goes, oh, I'm dead now. Oh, yeah. Nobody cares about me anymore.

That's why if you sit and watch on the telly and you see certain people and you see them pop up and you think, fucking hell, they're on everything all the time. They have to be because when you're not on everything all the time, you feel like you're not doing anything. It's a really strange job, really strange job to have. And they live in London.

And they turn up the stuff. We're like, no, three hour train there and back and a hotel for that fucking crap. Shut up, man. And listen, so I had an emotional rollercoaster the other day. I was sitting watching and I sitting watching YouTube with Robin on. Have we unbanned YouTube now? Yeah, so if I'm sitting next to him, he's not watching anything weird.

There is some quite interesting, what's really annoying is sometimes he goes on a, he started watching this video about people breaking the world record of Tetris, right? Oh God, that sounds like the- It was really interesting. Oh Jesus sounds like it was really interesting Jesus Christ it was so interesting. I'd rather drink my own piss right well that is an option because I can get a container for your piss and I'll get that video

queued up and you can either drink your piss or you can watch the video. My piss would probably taste alright. You reckon? I drink loads of water. That's absolutely you. Toxic treat. That's another toxic treat because you think your piss would taste nice don't you? No I don't think it would taste nice but I drink so much water during the day. My piss is practically clear. I bet it tastes like hot sunny delight. Now listen. So. It's a nice childhood memory I've just had there actually. Sunny delight. Well you say even hot sunny delight because like I don't know my mom didn't give a shit she didn't keep stuff in the fridge in that so it was just warm. Oh I know weird and yeah Hot Sunny Delight was a treat for you. I just can't no matter. California or Florida? Oh hang on I don't know. Yeah? Don't know. Was one of them blue? Like not blue the colour but the label.

The lid was blue. Yeah yeah yeah. Gosh Chris I don't honestly think any of the difference. California was the one like. Really was it? Florida was very tangy. Right. Too sharp.

California was one. Okay then. Then they started bringing all kinds. Blue ones, purple ones, green ones. Oh yeah, tapped out by then. It got crazy. And then, I think then what happened some kind of medical or food board got in touch and checked the sugar levels and went, sorry can we stop selling selling this please? Because this is, this is poison, allegedly. I don't know,

can you still buy a sunlight? I don't know. But I think it was really healthy when I was a kid. I was like, Oh, I'll have some sunnies light. That's great. It's a treat in our house. The advert when the kid opened the fridge and went on, let's see what we've got. Oh, Sunny D. All right. And then grabbed it. Great's great, Sunny D. I used to say that every time. Listen, so we're watching these videos and one of the thumbnails was a young girl and her face was shocked and there was a little bag in the picture with her. And the video was called,

I found my bag from kindergarten 2004. Oh Jesus. And she was going on like it was a fucking ancient relic that she'd found the Ark of the Covenant. I was like, what the hell? So it's kindergarten, so that's like... So she's a YouTube creator. I'm sure we call it kindergarten over here now.

We do now, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nursery, isn't it? Yeah. It was a before nursery. Over here, kindergarten is like the year before nursery. Is it the one, kindergarten's the one? No, nursery is the year before reception in England. Oh Jesus, I don't know. I think Rafe's in England. Oh Jesus I don't know.

I think Rafe's in kindergarten. Right. At his private nursery. Right. Because he starts actual nursery at the same place in September. Right okay. So annoyingly now when he every day says where am I going today? He does. Like ship them off. Like he's got no home. And usually what I've found is I used to, I took that as, you didn't want to leave us. No, you wanted to leave us. Yeah, on the days I've said, you with mommy today? He's like, no! And I'm like, right,

I thought you were upset that you were leaving here, but actually you just wanted to leave. I told you! I told you this wasn't a leave. I know. But anyway, whenever I say nursery, he's like, no, but he loves it when he's here. From September, you'll be getting, you have he's here. From September you'll be getting you have to legally go. Right you have to go. Right now there's part of my brain part of my mad stupid brain that kind of goes doesn't have to go

it's not actually. Oh you can have them if he doesn't go. I'm not having them. No but from September yeah he has to go to this bay. I can hear the dog barking. Bay's darkening. Listen so this emotional rollercoaster can I just say, so first of all, I saw this video of this young lass and she's like, 2004, oh my God, the olden days. I was like, I'll kill you. Then I was in the other room watching- Don't say I'll kill you, that's horrendous. General, I'm not actually, I mean, she's mad, I'm not gonna, what am I gonna do, get a flight

finder? You're in 2024 now, you're not allowed to say things like that. Right, whatever. Gosh, she'll be 20. No, she'll be older than 20. Oh God! That's upsetting. Now, the other thing was,

I went in the other room and I stopped watching the UFC and I came through and Robin sat next to us and watched it for a bit. And he was like, Right, firstly, I didn't know this. Oh, he comes and watches it a little bit. I do not want to watch it. What the fuck?

I don't want to watch it in UFC. Did you not know he watches it with us? No. Sometimes he watches it, yeah, yeah. Right, no. I'm not okay with that. But they're both up, they're all up for it. Did you not know he watches it with us? No. Sometimes he watches it, yeah, yeah. Right, no. I'm not okay with that. But they're both, they're all up for it. It's not like someone's getting bullied.

They're all up for it. I'm not all right with that. Well, I don't, okay, well. Right, well, we need to have a conversation. Off air about this. Okay, well, an off air conversation. Off the clock, you're gonna have a, oh well, this is good. Right, okay, off the record, but sort of maybe,

Robin went to BJJ, you've been dating him at BJJ, you went last night and he was terrified. Could that have anything to do with the fact that he'd just watched UFC the day before? No, because it was striking. Could it have anything to do with it, Christopher? No, I don't think so. Well, your eyes tell me fucking different.

Right. He's eight years old. Okay, well look, you watch a little bit of it, all I'm saying is you love UFC, don't you? And I went, yeah, and he went, do you want to do it when you're older? Aww, that's kind of... I was like, Robin, the depressing thing is I'm older than most fighters on this card. Like, there was one person, one fighter was 40, and under their name when they were getting

introduced, there was big massive capital letters, oldest fighter on card. I went, that's unnecessary. That's sad. I can't laugh at you at the minute, I'm really annoyed. You upset them, no, no, no. He just comes in and has a look and leaves. I don't wanna watch it, it's so violent. Oh, right, but it's a sport. He's literally, right, hang on though.

He's not allowed to play Fortnite. Guns. Killin'. I don't care. Knives. It's so, oh, I'm really annoyed. Don't let him watch it. All right, I'll let him watch it again, okay?

Nothing happened, it was quite a boring fight that he came in on. What the fuck? Why have I got to... You can't be a control freak and have any time off. So, it's totally up to you. Oh, how weird though. Totally weird. Come on.

You send him through the room I'm in, these things happen. Oh, stop it, Chris. I don't want to watch in the UFC. Okay. And that's not... I've got nothing against the UFC it's a great sport blah de blah I just don't think the bloodie blah the bloody body value that statement. Well you know you've kind of ruined it for me if I'm honest with you. It's like it was meant to do I do me beef early I don't know no let's go to what's your beef next I'll tell you exactly why. Can you imagine just can you imagine just say to someone, hey, congratulations on your wedding day.

I hope you have a lovely life together. Bloody blah. Imagine how much that would. Hey, congratulations on the promotion. Bloody blah. Yeah, just wait until your husband let you eat it all. What you have to say. Bloody blah. Bloody blah. So as you all know, and as you know, Rosie, our children's book comes out soon. Yes.

I don't know if we're allowed to say the date, but it comes out later in the year. September. Oh we have, yes, September 12th, we're allowed to say the date. We're allowed to say it. So obviously it's called There's a Poonami in My House. I got an email about it, well we got an email,

but you haven't read the email yet. No. This, as it says in the email, if I'd got it a couple of weeks ago, I would have thought it was an April Fool. Just to let everyone in behind the curtain of some of the things we have to deal with, how strange our job is from day to day, this is the email, official email. Chris has not let me read this email yet, by the way. Soon as I realized you hadn't read it, I was like, right, let's save it. This is from our fantastic editor, Yasmin,

at Simon & Schuster. So obviously Paula is the person who's illustrating, fantastic. I've seen some of the illustrations. Paula Balls, yeah. Paula Balls is a phenomenal illustration, really bringing it to life. This is something I never thought I'd have to deal with

in my life. In the email. Hi Chris and Rosie, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. As Paula has been moving to colour with the inside art, we've been looking at various colour options for the poo. Oh, the colour of the poo. Okay, we talked about this.

Yeah, for the poo in the book. Yeah. Listen to this, what we've learned. It can't be too brown because actually a big brown page isn't very engaging for a young child to look at. Right. Fair enough. Yes of course. It can't be too mustard because there's something quite ache about and diarrhea like about that. And it can't be too green because then it starts to look more like other bodily functions like vomit and phlegm etc. Oh Jesus Christ. So that was, that might have been the first thing I read this morning when I woke up.

So what colour is the room? We've gone with the mix, there's shades of it, there's light and dark. Is there an example of it? Yeah I've got a picture of it in this thing. Can I have a look? There's loads of toys and stuff in it, it's looking good, it's looking good. Alright let me see, I'll tell you. Because this is the thing right the poo the poo takes over

the whole house but the book is wrote yeah takes over the whole house and you want you don't want it to look like full-on poo do you? because that's gross yeah nobody's gonna want to read that. But at the same time you want it to look like poo. Well yeah it's gotta look like poo but at the same time yeah not like poo. So here we've got it yeah. Book poo. Well yeah it's gotta look like poo but at the same time. Yeah. Not like poo. So here we've got it yeah. Book poo. So let me see. There. Oh okay oh that's a night. Alright okay listen I would paint a kitchen that colour maybe or a wall in a lovely calm tranquil room. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Do you want to do that dueluxe advert? Yeah yeah. About the paint colours. So it's done quite good we've got various toys and stuff and things for the kids to spot. Oh that looks good. That looks good. But I was so. So it's looking quite good. We've got various toys and stuff for the kids to spot.

Oh that looks good. So I was involved in a high level email with a book publisher about the colour of shit. A wave of shit. Guys there's so much that goes on behind the scenes that you don't even know about. You don't know what goes into a day to day. You just don't know. Or do you know no more silly

voices people really enjoyed the podcast you don't know what goes into day to day emails for the poon armies and the podcasto baa. It's time for Watcha Beef! Watcha Beef, Watcha Beef, Watcha Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef. Alright so I'm sort of thinking that your beef with me might be something to do with our child watching. No I mean that hadn't, I didn't know about that until you've just told us. So you've kind of already had your beef?

No. Okay. But my beef is UFC related. Oh. Why does it take so long to watch? Long old. And then you have to, so you can't go on social media until you've watched it, so you are cramming in every second of watching it.

Do you want to add rather you did? What? Watch it live. Just take the night and watch it live. Okay, so I can have a lie in the next day? Yes. I said that to you. Okay, so you are going to allow me on a Saturday night

to watch it. So can you take away the allow you like I'm your mother? Like... Oh we're pretending to everyone that. Stop it. Oh do we want to pretend? Oh sorry I didn't realise. Right okay. So of my own free will I will, matter what you say even though you wouldn't say anything against it because you're dead cool and Easy going get laid back. I'll stay up on Saturday I'll start watching at 11 o'clock And then finish it about four or five in the morning and depend on how long the fights go and then I'll just Get up whenever because you're not bothered Get whatever on the Sunday because you're not arsed. You'll be fine downstairs with the two kids.

I'll get up, I'll come down in the morning, maybe a cup of coffee. Because you'll just be happy to see us and not fuming that I haven't been around for the morning. That's not, that's not your crack. Is it? I am so, I am easy breezy, lemon squeezy. Less of the allow me. Literally a fucking shtick. How dare you? All right then.

OK, listen, hey, I'm doing all right. I've got money in my bank. Let me get a flight. I'll go meet my mom and me, me sister, me dad on that cruise. Sorry, you haven't said I want to fucking stay up. I haven't said I want to stay up and watch haven't said I wanna stay up and watch it. You're engineering this, so you're just engineering this,

you can go on a fucking cruise. You watch the UFC, so I'm going on a 10 day cruise. All I'm saying is, it really upsets us. Hey, we do a section on the podcast called What's Your Beef? I've got to say something bad about you, even though I think you're perfect and I love you in every single way. I'm just so laid back about it.

I'm so laid back about everything that happens in this house. No I just find it ridiculous that you've got to just cram it in at every second. So I don't normally have to cram it in every second. It happens quite regular. No. This happens quite a lot. Yeah I don't know. I've only been cramming in this week because it was UFC 300. The 300th numbered event that they did it was massive every single fight on that card could have been a headline event it was insane right I had to cram that in because so many people are talking about it and it's such a big thing normally. So how do they know about it? Do they watch it live? How do they all know about it? Loads of people are just fucking casuals they wake up on the Sunday they go

through Instagram they look at all the headlines they look at all the highlights and they're knocked out and they go okay he bit him and she bit her done I like it I watched the full thing I watched the promo again They go through Instagram. They look at all the highlights and the knockouts and they go, okay, he bid him and she bid her, blah, blah, blah, blah, done. I like the, I watch the full thing. I watch the promo again. I watch them walk into the octagon. I watch everything. I listen to everything.

Like all of the commentary, all of the analytics. Like other people just go, oh, I checked online to see who'd won. What, you're not a fan then? What you doing? Like, you know what I mean? Oh, did you watch Game of Thrones? Oh, no, I just read the plot of something at the end. Oh, you didn not a fan then, what you doing? Like, you know what I mean? Oh, did you watch Game of Thrones? Oh no, I just read the plot of something at the end.

Oh, you didn't watch it then? No, okay, fair enough. Well, I'm a bit like that with below deck. Yes, and can I just say normally, I just do it in my own time. Every single week for the past six or seven or eight weeks, there's been an event every single week. And I've just been watching it.

When the kids go to bed and when you go and watch that, I've just been watching it, but this one I couldn't. Because what happened yesterday, the poor fucking window cleaner, I didn't want to go outside, because I had a really weird feeling that the window cleaner watched it as well. And I didn't want to go outside to see him,

because I was like, what if he tells us about it? But it turns out he was washing the windows and he saw through the window one of the results. And I went out and he went, you're watching the UFC? And I went, yeah, I went, and he went, I'm avoiding the results. I went, you didn't say anything, did you? He went, yeah, I just saw that knockout.

He's so weird. But it's just, no, but it's because of, I went anyway, I'm avoiding the results. I went you didn't say anything did you? He went yeah, I just saw that knockout So weird But it's just nobody it's because if so I've had to like open text messages for you. Yeah Yeah, you literally come running up and it's going what's what's he saying? What's what's Jordans in? What's Chad's in? Is it anything about the UFC and I'm like seriously this is impacting my life far too much Oh cuz you have to open a text and I have to go to another room watch a telly life for too much. Oh because you have to open a text and I have to go to another room watch a telly. Hey I thought you were laid back. I know alright sorry everyone. Just had a minute there. I am easy breezy, limonar, squeezy. Can you do me a bit? Right it's my turn for beef I've got a mini beef with you can you turn your

goddamn heater off I'm dying here like. Is that your beef? Is that your beef for the day? No it's my mini beef. It's me. Why? How is this radiator has nothing to do with you? I'm feeling the heat her off, I'm dying here, like. I'm actually sweating. Is that your beef, is that your beef for the day? No, it's me mini beef, it's me beef. Why, how is this radiator has nothing to do with you? I feel the heat coming off it, although it might just be your general anger. Might just be me lushness, mate. Doubt it, doubt that very much. Okay, hang on, I'll turn it off. Okay.

It's a bit burny. Okay, so. Yes. My beef with you. Can't imagine you got one. Ah, me. Well. Because I am.

Easy peasy. This is a layered is a layered beef and I do feel like this may, like a lasagna or a vianetta. No beef. I do feel like this could be, it could turn into a real argument so we'll see what happens here. Okay. Oh. I'm going for it because it's an epiphany I had the other day. Right. So the beef starts with the beef, right? And the beef is, when you do me garlic bread with cheese, you cover that fucking baking tray in cheese. This is fucking ridiculous. When I do garlic bread with cheese,

I put the cheese on the garlic bread, then I put the garlic bread onto the baking tray. One or two bits fall on that baking tray. Fucking the privilege coming out of you right now. I put the cheese on the garlic bread, then I put the garlic bread onto the baking tree. One or two bits fall on that baking tree. You put the cheese... The privilege coming out of you right now. Okay, pause. You put the garlic bread on that baking tree and you just fucking... I imagine you just salt bae that mozzarella and it goes fucking everywhere. I'm writing notes.

Yeah, and there's more mozzarella on the baking tree than there is on the garlic bread, I guarantee. And then I have to angle grind it off later on, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I spend- By the cost of living crisis, everyone's in a cost of living crisis, but Chris buys his mozzarella by the pack. Yeah.

Doesn't even grate it. No, I'm not grating my own mozzarella, I'm a busy man. I spend so much time scraping and cleaning and refurbishing baking trays that you've destroyed. I might as well start my own YouTube channel doing it, like that guy who refurbishes cast iron skillets. Right. Right. Me, just in a garage, just scraping baking trays,

millions of views, right? However. Is that not just your beef? Yes, it is my beef, but I've got to, it's another part of it. I used to have to beg you to put garlic bread on my meals to add garlic bread right? I just forget yeah. You used to forget especially garlic bread with cheese you used to forget. You did me garlic bread the other day

with cheese I didn't even ask for it. Yeah? You're trying to feed me up. I'm really not. You're trying to feed me up. I was trying to be fucking nice. I'm telling you this is. Jesus Christ, I can't win. You are. You are. A nightmare. I cannot win. I put that in. And also the kid, I did it for the kids as well. I can't win with you. And what have I wrote there? What have I wrote there? So just everyone I want you to know genuinely. What have I wrote there? I want you to know genuinely what have I wrote there? I don't like touching cheese. I hate touching cheese. Yeah. I absolutely loathe touching cheese. It makes us feel physical.

I've got like a fear with cheese. Don't like it. I'm just trying to keep count of the things that go against your laid back attitude here. I'm not. Everyone knows. Everyone's been listening for four years. I'm not laid back at all.

Don't like touching cheese. So you're lucky. Why did you write that down? Because I want, because I forget things. Why did you write it down? When I was like, I'm taking notes. Why? Why did you just say it? Because I don't like touching cheese.

Because I was waiting until you'd finished. Sorry, sorry, you turned it round in me in such a moment. It's like when a magician gives someone an envelope on a Friday and then they've got to open it on Saturday and have the lottery numbers in. But is that not quite a big deal? The fact that I make you garlic bread with cheese when I genuinely hate touching cheese. Oh yeah, but you didn't write it down

and review it like David Blaine. Chris, I don't think you understand that my brain works. I would have forgot. I would have got to the point and I'd have gone, well. Fuck you. In fact, how bad your memory is, I'm actually surprised that I get garlic bread with cheese, so I take it back and thank you very much.

You're welcome. I hate touching it. And like, I just put it on and hope for the best and I don't wanna have to pick up the little flaky bits to put them on the bread. You don't understand how much I hate touching cheese. Makes us wanna die. I really don't like cheese. Great, and when you've got a great cheese.

That's actually why we're back at the back of the chair. Privilege much? Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. It's time for questions from the public. It's questions from the public, but I haven't got the questions ready, Christopher. Can you give me a minute?

Time's money, time is money. Keep moving, keep moving here. Come on, what's the first question? What's the first question? Please stop. If you'd like to get in touch, it's shaggedmarrydanoidatgmail.com. Thank you so much. We genuinely do not take for granted how much incredible stuff you've sent over the years

and you continue to keep sending. And obviously, you know, if you even remember the most putrid dog fart you smelled off earlier on, email that in as well. Do you want to guess how many emails? Because actually we've had a warning that we need to get rid of. Do you want to guess how many emails are in the email? What? Sorry, what's this about warning?

Don't tell us we've had a warning that we need to then move on to something else. So it's like 95% full, the storage. They're going to try and get you to pay? I think they are, you know. Do you know what's something they do? Oh yeah, that's shaking you down, man. Shaking you down. There's no storage, man. We just need to get rid of some stuff.

Guess how many emails there is? How many? Me telling you, it takes away the element of you guessing at things. Oh, well shall I write it down and turn it around for no reason? Eh? All right, I'm gonna do that thing.

I'm gonna do that thing where I'm gonna... Oh, you're gonna read it over again? Six million. Right, there's not six million. Seven million. No. Eight million. Down.

Five million. Cold. Four million. Cold. Three million. Oh, by the way, I played hot and cold with Ruth the other day, but nobody's actually told him what hot and,

like the way to play it. So I'm going cold and he's just not going to ask me can I piece of shit. And I was like, oh, you don't, no one's explained the game of hot and like the way you get to blame so I'm going cold he's just like a piece of shit like oh you don't know one's explained the game of hot and cold to you and the sixty one thousand sixty one thousand four emails so wow yeah genuinely incredible thank you thanks everyone but just because I've told you that there's loads please don't because some of them are absolute absolute bullshit oh yeah some of them toss can you please stop because you clearly don't fucking listen to the podcast but like it's called Bible something you keep sending with stuff and I'm like what are

you wait I'm gonna have a look but I think they're being gotten rid of just just a Bible watch keeps emailing when Bible watch come on oh did I did I accidentally sign up the Bible watch on the Shogmary Noity, man? I'm gonna do it to me personally, man. Oh, is that what it is? Do you like your mustache? Oh, for God's sake, I was wondering why I wasn't getting my Bible updates. Quick Ick for you, right? Quick Ick.

Even though, being going through all of these. Sorry, too. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick for you. Right, saving time there? Is he? Money never sleeps? Sometimes I wish we video it because your face when you found out just there that quick was in it, it was like a dog's face when it fought. Very exciting. Do you know the phrase money never sleeps? Like, come to South Shields on a Tuesday night at half 11. Oh, everybody sleeps. Money's sleeping, everything's shut. Yeah, trying to go to the pub, kidding, aren't you?

All my favourite pubs are shut on a Monday. Yeah, all the coffee shops. But I'm a Monday drinker. All of the coffee shops are shut on a Monday where we live. Like, on a Monday, if you think, I'm gonna go for breakfast with my friends, we're all off on Monday. Good fucking luck, because they're all shut.

Why? Unless it's a planned holiday, in which case, they'll all be open and they'll be fucking rammed. Why are they all shut? Because we're a nine to five town. And they're open on a weekend, and I have to have a date, it's like hairdressers. Anyway, hi guys, quick ick for you.

When my partner is carrying the shopping bags to the car, he does bicep curls with them. Occasionally makes a grunting noise as he does it. I walk at a distance behind as I personally find it mortifying. Listen, got to get your gains in when you can. Got to get the gains in when you can. Don't skip bicep shopping day. There's a guy on below deck that I'm watching at the minute and he just keeps doing, he keeps doing bicep curls, right?

Bicep curls? What they're called? Pull ups and that. Chin ups and pull ups. Chin ups and pull ups. I knew you meant that. I knew you had it wrong. Yeah. Another toxic trait of mine.

Yeah. Is that when I watch it, I think I could do that. I couldn't, could I? No. No. Next time I go to the park, I'll film you doing one. That'll be fun. I can't do them.

I can't do them. And I've just lost loads of weight and I can't do them. Right. Are they really hard? So I had a friend when I was younger who could fucking rattle out 50 because he was little, he was really light and his arms were quite strong. He'd levitate up and down. Is it the same guy who wears jeans to work out? No, different guy. Kid, his jeans, heavy them. But I could never do them. We all went to...

There was a phase that we went through, we were about 13, 14, when we all went to Argos and bought weights. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We bought weights, we bought the pull-up bar that you screw outwards into your door. Mike Kav had one. Yeah, yeah. And we bought the... You know, the stands to do press-ups with, where it's the handles that you put on

the floor so you can get deeper into your press up. Yeah I never use them, waste of time. I think my dad's still got the weights and yeah that it get like deeper in right get right deep into your press up really open up your pectorals. It's very funny mind on Below Deck he keeps doing like you know when you're walking up on the yacht yeah they've got the gang they've got the sort the metal things, keeps doing like dips on there and the bosom's like, stop that. You're gonna break them. Brilliant, stop that.

Hello, when you were talking about prefects the other week, it jogged a memory. At senior school, me and my best friend made a pact that if only one of us got picked to be a prefect, we would turn it down. Oh that's great, juicy, love it. Yeah, yeah. All the names were called out including mine but not hers. The head of year asked if anyone didn't want the position and I stood up in front of the whole year and said me. No way, she went through with it. She was like I don't want it. No way, fair enough like. She asked why and I said I just don't, trying to be nonchal. She was like, I don't want it. No way. Oh, fair enough like. She asked, she asked why. And I said, I just don't, trying to be nonchalant.

Wow. Okay, just don't want it, don't want it. At break, I saw my friend and she sheepishly said, guess what I got offered? No way. Your prefect place. Oh. I said, you better not have took it.

And she said, I did. No fucking way. You did. I couldn't believe it. I had to walk past her every day standing in what would have been my spot in the corridor. What a dick. I'm in my 50s now and my old friends from school still mention it. I will stay anonymous but if she hears this and she will know who I hope she's still ashamed. Probably's probably sitting there, probably sitting there with her badge on, buzzing. You will never get this, you will never get this. What a snake.

Isn't that shocking? Similar thing happened to me recently, I haven't told you about this. What, come on, who am I beating up? When me and all the lads went to London, Yeah? I went into, we walked into the Levi shop, and went downstairs,

there was a lovely green jumper on the wall, and I went over and I went, oh, I love that. I went and looked at it. So it was in medium, found me medium. I went, oh, brilliant medium. And Sean, me mate went, oh, oh, that's lush that. Oh, I'll get it as well. And he picked up a large and I went,

no, it doesn't matter. And he just bought it. You could have had the same jumper, you know. I'm not having the same jumper. It's weird. I mean, that is a bit weird. We're not both going in, jumper brothers. I'm not having the same jumper. It's weird. I mean that is a bit weird. We're not both going in. Jumper brothers. To imagine the people behind the counter, two Jordies in the Levi shop in London. It

was the one next to Covent Garden. Two Jordies in there. Oh aye, did you know they came down on a weekend trip and they bought the same jumper and they both skipped on out. You don't see them that often. I see them quite a lot. I do see them quite a lot. You have to protect each other. My kid bought the same jacket as me and she wears it all the time and I'm like well that jacket is a dead to me now. Well why don't you, why don't you, wear yours but put a little prefect badge on it. Yeah she was never a prefect. Yeah well you're accessorizing it and you're winning. The thing that makes her sad though

is she like looks a lot better in it than I do. I do. That's what's ruined it. So there was a time when obviously I put on a lot of weight when I had the kids. I'm still trying to lose it. I'm getting there. Kate lost a lot of weight. I give her a lot of my old clothes. My like size 10s slash 12s. I'm now getting down to me 12. She often wears the clothes I give her.

And I get really sad when I see them in them. When I see her in them and I think, I wish I'd never give you them. Right. Yeah, and obviously we all know giving clothes is exactly the same as giving a kidney. No take your backsees. No take your backsees. No take your backsees.

No take your backsees. Just gotta be there, be gutted that she looks better in the clothes that I don't fit in anymore. But I still do really like myself. You're beautiful. Thank you. No, I feel mint at the minute. Good. I do feel great. Feeling good. Looking good. Feeling great.

Need to do my tan though, because I can't look at myself in the mirror. Oh my God, that's a case of looking like I've already passed out. Oh, I hear something interesting. Is it interesting though? Is it going to be interesting? Depends. Come on then. What you find interesting. I rescued my undercarriage

from an ingrown hair this morning. I can't believe we've been talking about it early now and I haven't heard this. Come on then. How did you not know? You rescued your undercarriage from an ingrown hair. I felt it coming on the last few days. And I was like, I need to look at this.

Had a little look with my mirror and I tweezed it out this morning. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, babe. I stood up. Appreciate that. I stood up. Thank you.

Watch, I'll get sepsis and die from me infected bloody. Yeah. Yeah. And the same, I'm the catastrophiser. No, so I catastrophise. I just don't do it. I'm too lazy to do anything about it. But I'm the catastrophiser. No, so I catastrophise. I just don't do it. I'm too lazy to do anything about it. But I do definitely catastrophise. Right, okay, okay.

Good. Okay. Shall we carry on? Yeah, let's. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, hope you're both well. Are you well? I am.

I'm alright. I was about five in school before hearing about the ingrown hair, but I'm alright. I'm well. I'm well-ish. I'm getting there. Good. Long time listener, first time emailer. This could even be Rosie's mysteries. Here we go. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. I'm up to date on all episodes so I'm working my way back through to the beginning.

That is mad that people do that. We love it though. I love that. Yeah, thank you. Currently listening to episode 182 where Rosie talks about her experience of getting stoned at Pontons. I don't remember telling that story. Okay. And having to sacrifice her friend's dressing gown to put on a fire. Yes, that is true. I do remember. There was a fire. The bath was still full.

Yeah. We're actually really good on our part to be honest with you. Well done. Yeah. This took me back to my second year of uni where me and my housemate decided we would try getting high for the first time. Okay. In brackets late at the party I know. No, not really, not really.

Bit of a back story. It's not a party, loser. What? Drugs are for mugs. They are for mugs. They are for mugs. Bit of a back story. We went to Nottingham in uni

and for anyone who knows the Lenton area where all the students live, it's not exactly known for its community feel. I don't know what that must... I don't know. I don't know where the student area in Nottingham is. No, neither do I. I know there's two unis and she didn't see a trench so she must be at Nottingham. Right. You're really weird at knowing stuff like that, aren't you? University gigs. Oh.

My first art stand-up university gigs. Yeah. Yep. A few weeks prior we'd been burgled. Oh god. In brackets it says while all in the house I'm a head but that's a story for another day. Annoying. I don't like to have heard that. Email back. When am I going to see you again? Like oh god okay. So my dad decided to send a security camera to put in the ground floor between the window at the front of the house to monitor the front door. Got you. Just, that's nice. Yeah.

Now, back to the herbal part of the story. In our naivety, we didn't know the first place to go for weed or how much to pick up, as they say. Learning lingo. So, ended up communicating through a friend of a friend who recommended we keep things fairly minimal for our first experience. Weed acquired, we then had the issue of grinding this

and trying, like if you're gonna try weed for the first time, don't do it by yourself. Yeah, I wouldn't like. Cause this sounds like the worst joint in the entire history of joints. Isn't there something where if you leave the stems and the stalks in that in, you just get a massive headache and feel ill?

I've never ever made, I've never rolled a joint in my life. I'll just know, pick out the seeds and stems. Okay, what's that from? Was it an Afro man song? Roll, roll, roll my joint, pick out the seeds and stems. Oh, like ro-vo-ro-yaboot? No. No?

No, not like ro-voar Your Boat? No. No? No, not like Ro Roar Your Boat. That's Ro Roar My Joint? That's Ro Roar My Boat? Yeah, but I think it's a different tune. You literally sang it to the tune of Ro Roar My Boat? Well, I did it by accident, because I don't fucking know what tune I was supposed to be doing. Right, great. Okay. God, this is painful.

Anyway, we then had the issue of grinding this and trying to roll our first joint, followed by the realisation we didn't even own a lighter. I knew you were going to say that. So we had to light it using the gas stove. Oh, gosh. Honestly, we should have given up at this point. Yeah, this is a disaster.

We managed to roll five joints until the weed had all been used up and the endeavours could begin. Five joints on your first time. Spiky! Jeez! Trying to achieve the full experience we decided to hotbox in my bedroom. You're gonna die? A.K.A. the room with the security camera. What?

I know, I feel like the security camera is looking outside or it might be in the room. Well, no, it was supposed to be... From what I get from this is, first of all, a thing I forgot, didn't realise to pick up on there was, this was the days when your dad had to send you a security camera. This wasn't, I just got one off Amazon, because security cameras are 10 a penny right now. This was me dad had to send us one.

And then it's supposed to be in the hallway, but just had it in a room for some reason. That's awful. Really strange. Oh, because the dad, it'll not be in the days where the dad's not getting it on his phone or anything, is he? Well, read on, you never know. No, it doesn't mention the dad, it'll not be in the days where the dad's not getting on his phone or anything, is he? Well, read on, you never know.

No, it doesn't mention the dad again on his phone. So it's not weird. Part of me was like, that's, that's a different thing. Anyway, it's important to note at this point that being ganja grannies, we didn't know what we were meant to be feeling when, when the weed hit. Let me paint the picture. Two 19 year old girls who are rather impatient at the best of times, who after smoking their first joint convinced themselves they didn't

feel any different, so proceeded to smoke the second and third in quick succession. All of a sudden there's an incessant thumping on the front door which must have gone on for the best part of a few minutes. Remembering the nifty security camera, we log on and can see two community protection officers outside our door. Right. So it's the room with the security monitor, not the fucking camera. The camera's outside. Right.

She's got the monitor in her room. She's got the monitor. She's got the screen. Right. Okay. Not looking like they were moving on to the next house anytime soon. So there's two community PCOs. What are they called?

CPOs. PCSOs. Yes, that's the one. Obviously by this point we're both high as fuck prang-ing it is yeah but I think you mean praying. Prang-ing Prang-ing. Yeah. Praying to high heaven that we're not going to get done for possession and be kicked out of uni. My housemate in brackets studying law frantically suggested we get rid of the evidence as quickly as we can so my question to you, what did we do with the two remaining joints? Hit them. Next question. Right. Yeah.

OK, you're wrong. Really? Yeah. Wow. Why? Like, why would I read that out? Don't know. Throw them out the window. All right, go again. I'm sorry. I know you've had your. No, I apologize. No, please.

No, please, let us play still. No, please, let us still play. Please, please, sorry, I apologize. No, you've had your turn. No, I apologize, no please, no please let us play still. No, please let us still play. Please, please let us still play. One more guess. Down the knickers. Okay, you're wrong. Great. After a little planning time, I did what I thought was the only option

and threw the joint in my mouth and started chewing as quick as I can. Hey! Okay, one of them chewed it. I'll let you off. Off a point. Off a point. God almighty, you bastard.

Oh, you would be a prefect. You would take that prefect job, wouldn't you? That's you. Half a point. My housemaid had other ideas. I turned round to find her trousers around her ankles. It's a double R. While she was bent over in front of the mirror,

shoving the mating joint up her arm. Right, okay well as I was at Nick as I was at her. Like she's going for a prison stint. Safe to say. In the mirror! Sticking it up her arse in the mirror! Making sure it goes up straight! Safe to say I was sick as a dog later that evening from ingesting the weed or smoking

far too much. We'll never know. My housemaids boyfriend had possibly one of the most unromantic evenings when he tried to pull out the joint from it. Imagine though, like it's been a long time since I've rolled any sort of tobacco or anything, but they, tobacco, it's like flaky and just horrible and cotton, it's just. Four nights later, I was just in the library and farts and someone's like, you got weed? Yeah, can you smell that? You got weed?

Is someone selling weed? Is someone carrying weed? Oh no, it's just every time I fart, I blow a little bit of gander out, that's been wedged up there for a couple of weeks. That's really nice. Stuff like that binds you as a friend. Five years later, myself and my housemate

are now living together in London, and it's safe to say we won't be repeating any of the same antics in another feeble attempt to get high. Fantastic that. Well played. Very good. Well done. Oh wow. Wow. But drugs are for mugs. Yes, drugs are for mugs. They really are.

Shout out, yeah. Oh, we're currently watching... We're watching Baby Rain, yeah, the Richard Gabb thing on Netflix. Fucking brilliant. Unbelievable. But the bits Unbelievable. Tough watch, but incredible. It is a tough watch, but brilliant. We're only on episode 4. I think we'll get that finished this week. No spoilers, but the bits where he's taking drugs, we were devastated. Honestly, don't think, I've never done hard drugs. I just don't think I would like it. It's very, very well done in capturing how mucky and Mingin, it's the bits where he's like taking,

I don't wanna give anything away, but there's bits where he's taking drugs and it's- It does it so well. It's done as well as, dare I say it's done as well as they do it in Trainspotting. Yeah. It's done that well. Do you know what though? Like to make it murky and sinister and dark and dirty and murky.

I have to say, I've had diamorphine when I was having Robin. Yeah. And that was, it was lush like. Right. Is that what heroin's like? Sorry, I've never had heroin. Why are you, what the hell?

No, I know you haven't, but like, you know, I don't know. It looks awful. Look, everything I've seen on telly, every depiction I've ever seen of heroin in my life. So what's diamorphine like? What level is that? Ecstasy? I don't know, it'd be like an opiate wouldn't it it'll be like a I don't know it was really nice okay I mean with mixed with the pain of labor

but yeah it was a mint feeling job I had a bit of a laugh oh yeah you had a handbag or did I have a handbag what was I saying I was sorry you just had some diamorphine no what happened something funny happened I can't remember I was fucking it was horrible it was one of the worst nights of my life. I'm sure. In between you being off. Do you not know in between you being off your tits when you were having Rob and I was going out in the corridor and crying and phoning my mom and dad and phoning Carl Hutchinson. I know. So I didn't have it. I didn't have a nice time. I'm making it all about you. Brilliant. I asked because you didn't share the diamorphine you fucking snake. What? Do they though? How stupid do you think people are? Eh? It's very... Listen, thank you so much for listening. If you want to get in touch

with me, it's shaggedmoudinoidatgmail.com. Please subscribe or follow on your podcast apps. I've still got to bang that drum. And we'll be back in your ears next week. See you later. Bye! Bye!