Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 267. Rumour has it

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

There's a rumour going around town about the Ramsey's... but is it true? The pair catch up after Rosie has been away for work and she presents Chris with the latest TikTok Bear/Man dilemma. The beef's get heated, there's some Star Wars explanation and QFTP's include a belly button investigation, an iron ick and a second time emailer! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No. Ha! Tougher? No. Funnier?

I do not make jokes, I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No. Ha!

Tougher? No. Funnier? I do not make jokes. I make warriors. Knuckles now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

Hello, I am the husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yes, you are. Hope you're all okay. Welcome back. We've missed yous. We've missed you? Although we are not here, but we have missed you. We've missed talking to you. Yeah. We've missed sitting, blethering on. It's only been a week, but it feels like forever.

And now my brain can't, you said you had something to tell me, and then you were like, we'll start the podcast, we'll talk about it at the podcast. I can't stop thinking about it. Yeah, you did the same. You've got something to tell me as well. Yeah, well, can we do a really quick intro

and we'll get to the thing. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. What? Because of your nosiness, the quality of, Yeah, well can we do a really quick intro and we'll get to the thing. Oh, oh sorry, oh sorry! Why? Because of your nosiness. The quality of, let's be honest, some of Do you sponsor and we'll crack on. Oh god, have you? I can't work under these conditions. And as well, it's Thursday. This is so late. Daisy, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah. Who edits our podcast. She's getting this really, really late because selfishly I have been away working the beginning of the week. Honestly. On a

project that I'm not allowed to discuss. But I will tell you all about it. Pathetic, may I just, as a father of children at home, as a single father, single parent, may I say pathetic, greedy, new mates, and go fuck yourself. I think they are the, I think I've summed that up. In the world of the internet today, you're not allowed to say that you're a solo parent when you actually have a partner in your life. I learned that very quickly on Instagram.

I mean, I believe I speak for everyone when I say, come at us, come at us motherfuckers, I don't care. When Rosie's not there, I'm on my own, right, with the two kids. Get a dictionary, look at what solo means. It means one, go fuck yourself. Where were you four years ago? When? When?

When I was getting trolled online for saying that. I was- Remember I was telling it. Yeah, I remember I was making loads and loads of accounts on Instagram. Great, good for you. And trolling you. Do your sponsor.

I get it, I get it. And let's carry on. But you know, men are, you know, I don't like looking after them both on my own. I'm a bit, but I do, I love it, but it's hard. And it is hard. I, in this episode, 267, thank you for being here, thank you for listening, thank you for being part

of this little world of ours, obviously. Community, I like to call it. Obviously, click, follow, or subscribe on your podcast. Is this not our community? 100% our community, it's 100% our community, and it's warm, and it's inviting, and you're welcome, and it's lovely, and no judgment, you're welcome and it's lovely and no judgment and boop boop boop. What is wrong with you calm down. Sorry. I haven't seen you for a week. Well

chill yourself out because you are over the top you're acting over the top. Okay I'm sorry. Calm down. Okay I think it's because I'm excited about this week's sponsor. Right. It's a very exciting sponsor. It's a musical sponsor which I think you're going to be very excited about. Talking my language. Obviously I can't sing I can't play the music because you know we're not allowed to play the music. It'll cost money and you know we're not going to invest into the podcast so I'm going to sing them but basically brand new album coming out this week. Very very exciting. This week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. A brand new album from the most recent Shit Yourself About everything campaign brought you in conjunction with what's the fucking point. Yeah. What's happening?

What are you talking about? Why aren't you listening? Is this your album? Yeah, this is the album from the most recent shit yourself about everything campaign brought you in conjunction with what's the fucking point. Yeah. Yeah. Now that's what I call forever Chemicals. Brought you by hits such as, Forever Chemicals, I want to be forever chemicals. And let's not forget, chemicals are forever, forever, forever. And obviously our favorite, Viva Chemicals, I'll be waiting. What happened? In your bloodstreamstream till you die.

Till you die. Just seeing it everywhere. I think I mentioned, I think we mentioned the words Forever Chemicals when Robin went to, because Prime allegedly have got Oh yeah, what's that all about? Forever Chemicals in and then I think me phone heard us say it and then Instagram showed us it. It's just the most recent shit yourself about everything. Don't drink tap water. Don't fucking wear sportswear. What's the fucking point in it all?

But the album, the album is banging. So then things have been upsetting you? Not upsetting us, just irritating us. It's just everyone's new thing to get their dicks out about, innit? Well, I just feel like I need to stop going online because every time I go online, I just get told another bit of information,

which is useful, but then you go, I just live my life completely wrong. So something else said that basically when you get bread from the supermarket you should freeze it straight away and just toast like frozen bread. That's what my mom's been doing for years. Well my mom's the only person I know who's got frozen bread. You can't have a sandwich you can have toast like that on a sandwich. So why does she do that then? Because the bread goes out of date and she doesn't like it.

Right, okay. Just to keep it fresh. I suppose we eat a lot of bread in this house. So why should people do this? Apparently it just keeps the, I don't know, I didn't really listen fully. I just thought, oh, been living my life wrong. That's another thing, by the way.

So when you hear a thing of don't do this or don't do that, you've only ever gleamed a tiny little bit and you tell me, you go, you got a freezer bread, and I go, oh why? And you go, I don't know, I wasn't listening. I go, oh great. Yeah, I've tapped out. I've tapped out on a lot of them. But yeah, but it just makes it like, obviously it makes it last longer, but something about like the stuff in it and you just go, oh God, why is it not just fucking flour? Like what the fuck? What are they putting in my food?

Oh God. Let's not get onto this though because again well honestly just listen to the album for yourselves um i'll get 10p for every uh don't because i could spend hours talking about royalties right do you know i heard the other day oh god watch that on a video barbara strisand yep i went on a video, Barbara Streisand. I went on a Barbara Streisand rabbit hole

because she's been in the press lately because she asked Melissa McCarthy online. So bearing in mind, poor Babs, right, in her eighties, she commented on Melissa McCarthy's picture saying, you're looking great. Have you been taking ozempic? And it was on her comments, so everybody saw it. Oh, fuck!

Whereas I think that- is that the injection? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I think she thought she might have just been messaging that. And let's give the lady, the legend, a little bit of slack. I don't think she meant it in a horrible way, so she's had to apologize. And Melissa McCarthy was so gracious about it. She was just like, you know, doesn't matter.

But maybe being as well, being a massive sort of A-list star, maybe she's obviously inhabits a world where have you been taking them injections to lose weight is like asking someone if they've been going to the gym. Yeah. Like it's, you know, she's in a world where people

in her generation have been getting the fucking, the back of their faces sliced and pulled tight, like fish gills for years. A facelift, Chris. No, no no no no it's called fish girl slice back fish girl slice yeah sliced thing like kevin costman water world then fucking pull it tight yeah no no but but bless her i think she just mustn't be that savvy and she's in a world where that's normalized yeah and like yeah so anyway what a burn though

i know i know i ended up going on her instagram and looking at some she did an interview and there was a film that she was In years ago and it ended up being a really This is me only get half a story But anyway, you know, we don't we don't she was absolutely skinned right and she went and watched the screen of the film She thought shit. She said she was like this is gonna tank so she hadn't done a deal yet So she said they offered a 10% of the film, like the takings and whatever, like royalties and stuff. And she said, no, I just want paid.

So she got 2 million for it. Cause at the time she was like, I literally couldn't afford to live. So she was like, took the money and it's gone on to be like one of the most successful films. So she's like, holy shit, I could have been. Matt Damon did the same thing with Avatar apparently. Matt Damon got offered Avatar

and he got off on a Percentage and he turned it down and he says it's his biggest that he'd have been a billionaire now Can't live like that though. Can you you can't live like that? You can't at all I mean, I think about every other day just once just when I'm having my morning coffee I go you fucking stupid bitch. Then I got then I get on my day I'm sure Matt Damon spends, you know, some days of his life just work around the house painted blue crying Possibly. Yeah, I mean I would yeah would wouldn spends, you know, some days of his life just walking around the house painting a blue crying. Possibly, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would.

You would, wouldn't you? You absolutely would. Yeah, so... Fucking Matt Damon. Right. Shall we carry on? I still want to know what you were going to say. I was going to say something, so you just saw it.

I had a thought and it's gone. Anyway, that was a quick intro, wasn't it? Never. It never is. Never is. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a. Never is. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married and Oyed. Right, tell us that thing you're going to tell us. Hi, what thing? No, OK, I've told Chris to calm down because you are blooming hyperventilating in that intro. Everything is fine. This is Shagged Married and Oyed.

I am Chris Ramsay. And apparently... You could never keep this up. You could never keep this up you could never keep this up go and try it do this for the full podcast I'll give you I'll give you a grand this is radio for two million this is radio for Chris Ramsey on Shadmodynite apparently in the intro I was far too excited and far too overcommon saying was the phrase that my wife said which take from that what you will.

Definitely shouldn't be said. Yeah so now I'm just gonna be just all chill. I prefer it. Tell me what you were gonna kids killing us. What is? What were you gonna tell us? I'm back by the way. So I heard, so I enjoy hearing rumours about myself.

Oh right that's it. Is it a rumour about you or about us? About us. So I hear... Who from? Listen, listen. Linda, Linda, Linda. So I remember years ago, the first time I managed to get myself trending on Twitter, someone told me that I'd been on a night out. That someone had told them. So a friend of mine told me that I'd been on a night out, that someone had told them, so a friend of mine told me that I'd been on a night out, I'm sure I've discussed this before,

that I'd been on a night out, I was actually ex-girlfriend told us that when we were together, I said she'd heard from her friend that I'd been on a night out, flashing quote unquote, flashing the cash outside of a nightclub, trying to buy someone's jeans off them for a tenner. What? I'm sure we've discussed this before. So this was years ago. Did this happen? No. I can barely speak, right? Radio 4's got it out the window here. First of all. So you were trying to buy someone's jeans for ten pounds. So my point, no. That never happened. One, that never happened.

Right. And two, the story contradicts the rumour. Because if the rumour is you are flashing the cash, trying to buy a pair of jeans or something worth 10 pound, isn't flashing, I mean, it's next to begging. It's next to begging. It's, can I have the fucking jeans for free? So it's not flashing the cash, which is my main problem. Flashing the cash would be, I'll give you 500 quid

to get out my face. I wanna jump this nightclub queue, there's a thousand pound. That would be flashing the cash. Trying to buy someone's jeans, which don't get you in a nightclub if it was trousers only. No idea why. And you didn't have loads of money before you met me. I don't understand.

And I remember at the time I put it on Twitter and I was like hashtag Ramsey Rumors and loads of people started. And we had this night on Twitter, like me and loads of people just writing on it. And it was the first time I tried it. Oh, you and your mates. A community I think I find I created.

So that was old school, old school. So shout out anyone who was back in them days who was a fan, thank you. And then I'm trying, I'm racking my brain here. I've heard other rumors about it since in the comedy circuit and stuff about you've done this or you've did that. Oh yeah, I heard a rumor once that someone said,

that I'd said that if you're comparing a comedy gig, it's fine to use everyone else's material and just steal other people's material. I've heard that. That was annoying. There was a rumor about you on Facebook that we were in Mambos, downtown, a restaurant in South Shields, and we were all eating as a family.

And apparently you said that we ate there. Do you know who I am? It was something about chips, wasn't it? It was something about, they hadn't brought you said that we ate there, do you know who I am? It was something about chips wasn't it? It was something about they hadn't brought up chips I was like do you know who I am? This woman was like absolutely adamant and I was like honestly I wanted to say you don't know me but there's absolutely no fucking way that I would let you say do you know who I am? Yeah, so the story if that had happened the story wouldn't have been Chris Ramsay said you know who I am it would be did you say Chris Ramsay's wife throw a

fucking plate of carbonara in his face in Mammoth's? Anyway the best one I've heard recently is obviously our bin men are on strike and that's South Tyneside. I've deliberately kept off the topic because not everyone's bins are on strike but our bin men, women, ladies, people... people. Quick, quick, be relevant, be relevant, be inclusive. Bin, women, men, people, dogs, cats, our bin lizards. The bin people are on strike, right? But there's rumours around South Tyneside of why they're on strike.

Nobody fucking knows. Apparently they don't. Something to do with the work. Nobody knows, right? But they're just one empty bin. And you know when you're trying to be I'm really trying to be supportive because I'm like okay whatever but at the same time I'm like please can you take weapons please because the recycling is just this there's just rubbish all over the streets. It's Fight Club. We cook your meals, we watch you while you sleep, do not fuck with us. It's Fight Club.

It's a very powerful strike that they're doing and whatever's happening, good luck to everyone. But there is a rumour going around. To do with us and the bins? Yeah. Eh? That we still get our bins collected. There's a rumour going around that us, are you waiting for it? Who? Us? Joe McHaldry. Joe wasn't in the rumor. Us, Jade Thirlwall and Tommy the Trump, but I still get women's

collected. Shut up. Well, Jade doesn't live here. Jade doesn't live up here anymore. Tommy the Trump, but he was a local legend. Ray Spencer. Ray Spencer who's just retired from Pan Am, and all that stuff. Who told you that? It was at the gym, yeah. Can we, right, listen, if anyone is listening, happy to make that come true. Please.

Any bin men, lizards, dogs, cats listening. Please come and empty our bins. Is that, that's hilarious. It's great, innit? No wonder some people hate people in the public eye. Oh, when you hear bullshit about them. If they're not the rumours that are going round. It's's great innit? No wonder some people hate people in the public eye. Oh when you hear bullshit about them. If they're not the roomies that are going round. It's great innit?

Yeah. We are not getting our bins emptied. So funny. I wish we were though. It's fucking, you know, when you hear a roomie and you go, that's actually just brilliant. That's actually just hilarious. That's insane. Yeah.

Oh that's funny. God I wish we were. I wish that was true. Yeah. Funny. It'd be great wouldn't it? Imagine. Hey look, that was true. Yeah. Funny. It'd be great, wouldn't it?

Imagine. Hey, look, that's the level of aim for being successful and famous enough in your own town that on a strike you still get your bins collected. That's what we're aiming for. That's the goal. That's the dream, baby. In a way, we've sort of made it. Yeah? Yeah. When you get your bins collected, that's it. That's it. So there's this thing going around on like TikTok

and on the internet at the minute. And it's women asking their partners a question and sort of getting their reaction. Okay. So. It's not like you'd bring up something from TikTok. It's strange. You don't have a daughter.

So I'll do it with me. That you know of. That's true. I would love it if you did. Do you? Do you have a secret daughter? No. Oh, if you had a secret daughter,

I would fucking swoop in there. Really? Oh aye. Wow. Yeah. So you haven't got a daughter, but I'll do it with me, okay? Okay. I am stranded in the woods.

Okay. Okay. Very believable. Yeah. Took a wrong turn. Very on brand. Uh huh. Yeah.

It's not British woods, it's in some way, where there's bears, okay? Okay. I'm stranded in the woods. Would you rather? Bear woods? Would you rather a bear was following me? Yeah. Or a man?

I'm alone in the woods. How big's a bear? It's a bear, it's a big bear. What's the man doing? Following us. What's he following you for? I dunno. A man?

Okay. Have you fucking seen a grizzly bear? Is this a... Has everyone lost their fucking minds? No, it's because... No, I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's men are toxic! Men are shit!

I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! I'd rather be mauled by a bear! They've lost their fucking minds! No, it's because... No, I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's men are toxic! Men are shit! I'd rather be mauled by a bear

than have a man follow us because they're all wrongings! This is fucking insane. Have you seen a fucking bear run? Well, can I honestly tell you, can I tell you honestly, when I heard this, for a little bit,

I was literally like a bit isn't that bad the world has a lost that fucking apex predator an apex fucking predator that can run about 60 mile an hour okay that can climb trees this is that no and you're totally right you're totally totally right but you could probably yes but you could probably like kind of get away from a bear easier than if a man. In it's own fucking habitat. We've asked the wrong person. Honestly, Chris is already, no but Chris is already probably, Chris is already probably catastrophised meeting a bear in the woods. So this is why they hit him. The wrecking run downhill, the wrecking run downhill is the only way,

but I don't know if that's- Is it zigzag or is that a bullet? Oh, Paul the Muscle in me back laughing. Oh God. Yeah, no, if a bullet's following you zigzag. Or an arrow. Am I, no? Right, you're thinking of-

Game of Thrones. You're thinking of Game of Thrones when he didn't zigzag when he was running away. But isn't that with bears? No, I don't know. I don't know if it's that with bears. I think that's hippos. So, sorry, can I just tell you? So basically, it just,

people have been saying it, because actually a lot of men, if it was the daughter, picked the bear. If you have a daughter and your daughter's in the woods and you'd rather a fucking bear is following your daughter than a man, you have lost your mind. Because I have to say, I did come on the side

as well as, you know, as much as a woman, I am terrified of some men. And you know that, there's times when I've rung you in taxis and when I've been out and I've rung you just because I felt uneasy. Yeah. Sadly, we live our lives like that. Which makes me so fucking sad.

It's really sad. But as well, I also have to come on the side of, I did logically think, you know what though, men, I know so many wonderful men, so many, more wonderful men than awful men. Yes. And then I did fall on the side of, I would rather it be a man, because then I feel like, you know. So, just scientifically, the man could get tired, the man could sprain his ankle,

the man could fall over, the man could get lost lost The man can't still smell you if he loses sight of you. Yeah, the man can't hear you from fucking miles away Yes, okay, but in their defense you've never been in a nightclub when you've been 17 and had a man put his hand up your skirt Absolutely, but yeah, but I'm not being funny though. Yeah, you haven't you haven't had men. I remember being funny though yeah you haven't you haven't had men I remember being again 17 awful awful time I remember being 17. On the mat row yeah. Oh yeah no that was a different that was a different thing this is another thing I remember being at a lads house with five of me mates and we walked literally it was around the corner it probably about a three minute walk and we walk past a pub on the way home and then loads of blokes followed to our friend's house

and one of my friends wet herself. Yeah. It was absolutely terrifying. We were literally children and these grown men probably looking back about your age or our age now, a bit younger, they followed us home. Horrible. And they're terrifying and it's just so so actually yeah your brain does sort of go to fucking men like you know I get it but you but logically speaking you are completely right. Well yeah I'm not saying any of that doesn't exist and every time you have to ring me in a taxi or you have to I get so fucking sad and so angry at the world.

And I'll tell you something which happened the other night. I FaceTimed you you know in the taxi and I recorded the FaceTime and I literally like put them on because I thought if anyone finds me a phone because he gave me a bottle of water. How horrible is this? It was a taxi ride and he offered us a bottle of water and I was like, thank you so much. I took the water and I drank the water and then part of us was like, is he poisoned this water? Why does he give us a bottle of water?

Wow, you say that catastrophize. Yeah, because I was just like, I don't know. Yeah. And then because I was in London, I don't know, I don't know London very well. And isn't that horrible because you know what, actually, he's just a nice man. Yeah. And he offered us a bottle of water. Yeah.

But I don't know, it's just sad. Because it gets ruined. It is, it's ruined. Well, it is ruined because statistically though, it's like such a high amount of number of women you know it's horrible it makes it so fucking sad it's awful it's you know a kind gesture by a man to a woman can sometimes look weird because it's been you know weird or sinister because it's the same way you know you caught it you're England up playing you hold up a St. George's flag it's sullied a bit now

because racists have ruined a St. George's flag it's sullied a bit now because racists have ruined a St George's flag it's the same kind of level. But you know what just putting this out there to you men, any man listening if you see one of your mates or a bloke and most men do but if they say horrible things and they just treat last night pull them up. Oh yeah yeah yeah. I know you would but I know you don't but I know there's a lot of people who are probably in a friendship circle and there's just a dickhead and they get away with it and I feel like they just need to collar them and say yeah stop being a fucking perv, wank a little perv.

Yeah. There you go. Even better make them fight a bear. Right put him in the woods with a bear. That's what I say. So back to to the bear thing. Right, yeah, we get that, yeah. But still though, they've just picked such a bad analogy. Alright, but please finish it with you understand where it's come from. 100% understand where it's come from. And there you go. Welcome back to the comedy podcast. Fucking hell. No bears were harmed during the conversation.

Just men. Yay! Fuck him! Oh, Winnie the Pooh's a bloke. Pervert. Oh, I love Winnie the Pooh. Oh, do you though? Oh, a man and a bear. Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Fucking hell. And he'd be with the other one. Go on. Go on. Oh, God. Go on. Go on. No, he's a dinosaur. The other one? Who's the other bear man that we used to, he was on the telly when I was young. Did he have a hat on? No, he's a dinosaur. The other one? Who's the other bear man that we used to...

He was on telly when I was young. Did he have a hat on? No, it's not a hat. It's another one. Did he have a cap on? Was he in a park? Yes. Was it yogi?

Yogi. There he is. Yogi bear. And boo-boo. And boo-boo? There it is. That's him. Yeah, they can go.

Wow, do you know what I love about this? We can go low brow, we can go argumentative, we can go extremely high brow, we can go quite dark and then we can finish by both going boo boo. Boo boo? Oh what a rollercoaster. Is that his son? Is it his son? I don't know, I think it's his nephew.

I think it might be his nephew. I'm not sure. It's probably ruined, there's probably somebody in there going this was really incensed. Oh it's probably not his son. Oh I can't, I can't. Probably stolen him from another family. I can't. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA! It's time for What's Ya Be? What's Ya Be? Oh, that's probably not your symptoms. Oh, heck, I can't be, I can't. I can't. Probably stolen them from under their family. I can't.

Oh! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. It's time for Watch Your Beef. Watch your beef, watch your beef, watch your beef. Beef, beef, beef, beef. Beef, beef, beef. Interesting thing to note that I just realized when we were in pause of recording there,

the bear will start eating you while you're still alive, just so you know that. Yeah. It will literally start devouring you while you are still conscious, if it hasn't killed you with its first hit. So. So might Jeffrey Dahmer.

Nice. So. Yes. Fucking hell. I love being dark. Can we just, can we normalise just having dark humour? Good luck. Can we bring it back?

Good luck with that. Do you like earning money? Do you like having a platform? Because... Shuffle all that to the side. You want to keep that to yourself, don't you? Tell you what, I'll make a little cupboard in the house with no windows, we'll call it the dark cupboard.

You go in there, you do your little dark here, you come back here and you do some fucking mainstream shit on the air for us. Don't speak to me about that because I feel that my life is just... I never used to get anxiety about what I'd said because there was nothing really hanging in the balance. Every conversation I have now I come away thinking, oh fuck that was really inappropriate. I'm so inappropriate.

Every time I've spoken to anyone I overshare. I leave every conversation thinking, what the fuck? Why did I say that? It's my entire life. It's my entire life. When does it go away? Ever, no? I was in a restaurant with a mate who used to be. When we retire, will it go away

and then I can just say whatever the fuck I want? Well no, because then you're like, well have I said that? They know who I used to be and now, you know, they know me kid and I've made it out of here now. Someone said to me the other day, and I don't know, you know when you answer something, you go, I don't know why I said that.

They said to me, they were like, send Chris, we love. And I went, Chris we love and I went oh him and I'm really sorry but I just did it I think I was trying to be funny and then I went yeah I should have just said yeah yeah I just know I say these things listen do you have a beef I do yeah come on then I'm ready I don't know whether it's em I think I've done it before, but you keep doing it. Okay, that's all right. We visit a beef. All right, well just this morning you did it again.

Oh God. No, like so I said to you. Oh, I know exactly what this is. Right, so I said to you, because I was chopping strawberries for the ones we're slaves to the kids yeah and I said you because you are the drawer when could you pass us a plate please you had blueberries in your hand it doesn't fucking matter you have blueberries in

your hand you second you pass as a plate yeah that's all right just no you're a fucking you're a cunt you know is that right okay so I said to Chris could I have a could you pass me a plate please Chris open the the bowl and he went, a plate or a bowl? And I said, what did I ask for? Yeah. And you said a plate and I went, I would like a plate. Yeah. What?

You had blueberries in your hand. I don't give a shit. You... you... I think everyone listening to this knows that you... And I had strawberries as well though, so I wanted them on a plate. I had... I think everyone listens... Sorry, I'm not finished. Can I say one more thing? Do you... And I had strawberries as well though, so I wanted them on a plate. I think everyone listening... Sorry, I'm not finished. Can I say one more thing? Do you know why I had that plate?

Do you know why? No, doesn't matter. No, go on. No. No? No. Don't wanna say that? No, the reason, there was no bowls left, they were all in the dishwasher.

Right, okay. So, all I'm saying is, one, you didn't need to get so angry, I was just checking. Okay? I know, but it's just, that's what you do. Two, two, everyone listening to this and me and your entire family and everyone who's met you knows that you are the kind of person who would say play it by accident instead of ball.

Just like in the intro to this about 30 seconds ago, while describing the story, you went to say, Chris opened the drawer, but you said Chris opened the ball. Everyone skip back now and listen to Rosie while telling that story. No. You fucking just said. I did not. You went I had a I had the I had the I had the blue man and I said to Chris Chris can you pass the plate? You went Chris opened a bowl then said do you want a bowl? You've just done that. Well

right okay Daisy's very good at her job could she slide it in now? Play that again now. Okay, so I said to Chris, could I have a, could you pass me a plate please? Chris opened the bowl and he went, a plate or a bowl? I don't know either way do I? I'll fucking tell you right now, you said bowl. Right, okay, right, fair enough, but I'm just saying, that's you though, that's you, I'll go, I'll literally say to you, if you were to bathe in the kids, I'll be like, pass the shampoo and you'd be like, bubble, bubble bath or shampoo? And I'll go, I said shampoo!

Just passes the thing. You do it with loads of stuff that you do, Chris. Please admit that you do. Okay, but in that scenario, everyone listening now, no but in that scenario of the shampoo, everyone listening now knows that you've said pass the shampoo and both the kids' hairs are bone dry. In that scenario, they both stand up, their hairs are bone dry and you've asked for the wrong thing. I meant the blade. I meant the blade.

I'm sorry, but it was the... What did I ask for? Because it's condescending? But it's like Stanley in the office. Did I stun her? Oh yeah. I love Stanley. I'll not have a bad word against Stanley. Do that, stall up. That's American office. Okay, I'm sorry and I'll just from now on, from now on sweetheart, as soon as you ask me to do whatever, I will immediately do that thing.

It's not even that, it's not, no, it's not immediately that thing, it's don't give us, when I've asked you, I'm asking you, don't then go, do you mean this? Okay. Cause I've, one word for you. Yeah? And I'm not, you all mean this? Okay. Because I have one word for you. Yeah? And I'm not, you will know what it is.

Okay, okay. Yeah? Okay. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Is that you putting the hob on? Yeah. Gaslighting. Great.

You don't have to say it, why are you going to say it? I thought you were a comedian, you're better than that. God. Go fucking hell. What are you saying for? Wow, wow, god. Wow. Oh. My beef with you is, wow, god. Wow. Oh.

My beef with you is, I don't know why you currently think I am some kind of orienteering or map expert or some kind of human fucking trundle wheel. What? But my entire existence at the moment when you are going anywhere seems to be you quizzing me on how long it's going to take you to fucking walk somewhere. And I am fed up the back teeth of it. Every time you are going somewhere. Guys, you've got no idea. Chris, I've got good DNS tonight it's down here do you think if I walked out there and then I walk past that pub and

then I walk down do you think that'll be 40 minutes or you think I'll be longer than 40 minutes and you think and if I walk and what if I went and dropped the car off for you mums and then I walk there but I walk around the long way do you think I'll be 3 mile? I don't know if I'll be 3 mile you're fucking god I don't know I don't know I I don't know. I feel like I'm fucking working in the army and I've got, I need a big, honestly, I need a command room. I'm annoying as well. You are. I need a command room with a map of South Shields and little rosies, little statues

of Rosie. And I go, okay, she's going to walk around there, okay, she'll come round from the flank and then we'll send them in from the south. Fucking. Leave it, and I walk around there. And then what if, what if I, what if I'm driving half way the other day? You know what I wanna do?

I wanna just walk two and a half miles in one direction, then turn around and walk home, then that'll be five miles. Oh! Oh! Someone out there send her a fucking pedometer or a Fitbit or something, just, just. I'm buying an Apple Watch today.

What, honestly, you're horrible, you. I'm totally joking. It's because I've got a little leg so I put it in there no but I put it into me maps on me phone and you know how we can tell you like to drive there'll be 20 minutes to walk yeah but that might take me a bit longer but actually I'm quite a fast walker so I've been bang on time yeah I know I'm just trying to get me steps in speaking of Apple I was in the Apple shop yesterday and you know what I absolutely loved? What? I looked over you know like the genius bar like the the table where they teach people what to do.

Oh yeah, people still go to that. There was groups of like dare I say it older ladies and gentlemen sitting there learning the ins and outs of iPhones and iPads and just a young lad standing there talking them through every single bit and I looked over and I was just like, yeah, go on you. And not just that, I was thinking, what is it gonna be when we're their age? Where are we gonna be? Like, what are we gonna be? They said that in the 1900s. If you think I'm getting,

if you think that I'm getting a chip in my head, or I'll be honestly, pin me to the trees. I'm not getting out. Pin me to the trees? Just chain us to the trees, I'll trees. I'm not getting out. Pin me to the trees? Just chain us to the trees. I'll protest. I'm not getting anything else. I'm not like, no, nah, don't want it.

Definitely not. What? Definitely don't want them. Don't want anything like that? Quick phone call. All right mate, yeah, Narsha doesn't, Narsha's not up for the chip in that. She's not up for the chip in the head.

Pin me to the trees was her exact phrase, pin me to the trees. Alaska, two seconds. He says, are you gonna walk to the trees? the head. Pin me to the trees was her exact phrase. Pin me to the trees. Alaska, two seconds. He says, are you gonna water the trees? Are you gonna drive half way to the trees and then... Oh God, I hate you so much. You know what I mean though? I just don't want anything else. I don't want anything more. The reason I'm gonna buy an Apple Watch is because I don't want to look at my phone anymore

But I want to be a so I didn't want to be alerted of stuff all the time But I want to put me phone in another room and just get alerts and if they look important enough I'll run to the other room with your phone. Yeah, and if they're not I'll ignore them. Right, okay. Yeah good Because I don't want to be I just want don't want to be ruled by being like Contactable all the time. I don't want to be ruled by being like, contactable all the time. I get it. Don't like it. I get it.

From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No. Ha! Tougher? No. Funnier?

I do not make jokes. I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there anyone stronger? No. Tougher?

No. Funnier? I do not make jokes. I make warriors. Knuckles, now streaming only on Paramount+. Yes! It's time for questions from the public! Questions from the public! Oh thank you.

Trying to mix it up with it. Clean that. Clean that. It was good wasn't it? Question from the public! Yeah, that was weird. And er, race it towards robots, so stop that please. Er, if you'd like to get in touch, I don't know what's wrong with me today.

Shagmoudinoid at gmail.com if you'd like to send us anything. I don't know what's wrong with me today. Shagmoudinoid at gmail.com if you'd like to send us anything in. And once again, I don't like to skirt over it, but we really are so grateful for everything that you continuously keep sending in from day one. It's mint, we really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Here, here.

Love saying yeah, yeah. Oh, that sounded genuine. No, don't actually, because do you know how I go to GNS now? Yeah. Back in the day, when I was younger, we'll be there and they're all a lot older than us and they'd have AGMs in that now, but now I'm on the committee.

AGM for anyone who doesn't know, it's annual general meeting. Yeah, but we are the committee now. And so I'm just trying to gradually bring it back. So Steph, my best mate, she's wrote loads of the arrangements and little Caroline who's directing it, she said something yesterday about Steph doing so well and

I literally dropped in a little here here and I just felt mint. It's really it's lovely little scene. When you upgrade it to the house as a common one that they do the ones that do the house. No but that's, is that a positive thing? I can't tell. I don't know. You can't tell if they're being good or bad. Just jowling. Yeah. Jab at the hut, innit? Yeah.

Then you've got the female one. You do yours, I do mine. Okay. Ready? Go. Mr. Sticker! Goat. Horrible.

Okay. I don't know why I just said goat. They do look very gouty. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Goat! Bicker! Living hell! Goat! Gout! Horrible. Okay. I don't know what I just said, gout. They do look very gouty. I wonder if we ever get invited there. Why would we get invited to the houses of commons? I know.

Okay. Ready? Yep. Hi Chris and Rosie. I've just listened to episode 266 and you talk about how some people gather belly button fluff and others don't. Yes, yes. Phenomenon. We're never gonna get like those comments. Yeah, it's weird innit? What? We're not being in the video!

I've just been listening to your belly button fluff debate. Aargh! Hmm. Art's gonna kill us as well by the way. Like, well that noise I did, it wasn't Jabba the Hutt, it was the King of the Gungans off episode one. Sorry I had to say it otherwise I was gonna get a nosebleed. Is that because I said Jabba the Hutt? You said Jabba the Hutt and it wasn't. Who's Jabba the Hutt? Jabba the Hutt is from Star Wars. He's the one the big massive one. But the one I just did that was King of the Gungans Jar Jar Binks's King. But that sounds like Jabba the Hutt. It doesn't though. So do Jabba the Hutt doesn't know it doesn't do Jabba the Hutt

I don't know that A lot slower. So I've got them mixed up. Yeah, but it's fine. But the other day you had this you had to see What did I say? It wasn't Darth Vader on the Nickelodeon advert Yeah, there's a Disney Disneyland advert on and clearly Kyle Oren was standing on there talking to a kid and Robin went who's that and you went Darth Vader and I I mean honestly, I nearly threw a ball at you. We actually raved who said who's that not because Robin knows. Just upsetting just you know the woman that you love who you raised your kids with

There's no difference between Darth Vader and Kyle Oren. I mean what's the point? Say the red ones dad Excuse me. Who's the red one? Played by that good actor. Who's the red one? Is there not one called red one or something? Red one? Rogue? Rogue. What is happening? Are you talking about Adam Driver?

Yeah. Adam Driver is Kylo Ren. Does he turn red? No! At all. See with the double sword. What the fuck? What are you talking about? Darth Maul! Oh God. That's episode one. Darth Maul's with the double sword. What the fuck? What are you talking about? No, it's Darth Maul. Oh, God. That's episode one. Darth Maul's got a double sword. It's like a stick. Caloran's got a lightsaber that's like, it's got the little bits out the side and the top. Tell you what.

Which one's the one with her from Thor in? I can't bear this. Her from Thor? Portman. Natalie Portman. She's in episode one, two and three. She's Darth Vader's mom. Fuck me. I thought she was Princess Leia. She's in episode one, two and three. She's Darth Vader's mom. I thought she was Princess Leia. No, sorry, she's Darth Vader's wife. Darth Vader's wife, she's Princess Leia's mom.

Right. And Luke Skywalker's mom. And Princess Leia. Are they brother and sister? Are you serious? I thought they were lovers. Are you serious? Are you serious? You thought...

Have I seen this from... Sorry, everyone. This might have to be the last episode. Are you... are you... That's why it's an innocent... It's called the last episode. No. The last Jedi.

Are you... So the brother and sister? Yes. And Darth Vader's their dad? Because he says, says Luke I am your father yes right okay I didn't know that and Kylo Ren is the son of Princess Leia and Han Solo Paris in boat do your question I'm gonna die right I'm gonna die don't make

as well as me no I don't know she sorry they've been on before in the background my dad used to watch them and didn't take any much notice. Right. Very rough. Chris, you apparently... Sorry, babe. It's alright. Are you my friend?

I'm your friend. I still love you. Weirdly, I still love you, which says a lot for how much I love you. Okay. Well, let me ask you a question. Alright? Yeah. What's the main girl called in Clueless?

Clue? When she gets lost? Oh, God. Am I having a nosebleed? Is this actually happening? What kind of car does she drive? Pink one. Oh god, am I bleeding? Am I? No. What colour is that car? White? So white cheek. I was really close. Really close with pink. That's mad. So there you go. That's my past. Do you know what that is? Do you know what that is?

It's embarrassing. And could just call chair. Right. Chris concluded. Chair? Should we call chair? Chair. Okay. That it must be sweaty people who collect bellybutton fluff.

Did I conclude that? I think you must have said. That sounds like a sweeping statement. I think you just, no. And I want, if this person wants to dispute that, my husband hardly ever sweats but his belly button, but his belly button comma, which I would say is of average depth,

collects a lot of fluff. Okay, I get to read that again, like, sorry. I can't read it properly because I think they've put the comma in the wrong place. No, they haven't. But his, he hardly sweats, but his belly button, which, because me two things I said was that it was sweat or a massive belly button, so she's-

Yeah, so she's just saying he hardly sweats and he's got an but his belly button, because me two things I said was that it was sweat or a massive belly button. So she's just saying he hardly sweats and he's got an average depth belly button, but he does have a, collects a lot of fluff in there. Right. And that bad lad, right? So much so that in 2020, we decided we were going to collect the fluff he generated over a year.

Why? It was tough for everyone that lockdown. It really did send a lot of people into a different direction of life, didn't it? Oh no, no, hang on. No, no, no, no. There was three months. Then lockdown happened.

Oh, so the start of the fallout. The start of the fallout. Start of January of 2020. And because he stopped commuting to London, he stopped generating as much fluff. Right. Oh, this is a good case study. Do you know what it is?

Right. Pollution, right? It's now. I don't think it's bad stuff. Pollution, it's his day to day life. It's the clothes he's wearing and the movement he's doing and the way he's sitting. Okay, Chris. Pollution. Hello. Call me Kate.

It's now four years later and we are still going. Fucking hell. Am I impressed? I'm not. I'm a bit, I'm sorry. Listen, I love people having things and keeping up. I'm really impressed when people keep up with things, but collecting your husband's belly fluff. So I want to know where it is

and I want to know how much there is of it. I'm going to tell you right now. Now four years later, we're still going. I collect the fluff. Oh God, she's the collector. She's the fluffer. She's the collector she's the fluffer the fluff collector I collect the fluff from his belly button every night and we

keep it in a top-of-the-way box in his sock drawer I'm sorry I hate both of you. I... Awful. Neither of us know why, but we can't stop. This gets worse. PS. I also love removing fluff from between people's toes and will regularly demand my children take their socks off so I can do this to them. Oh, well. I get it. I do get it. Do you?

When you get your kids new socks, there's some serious fluff going on. They get in the bath and you're like, oh god, it's all fluff on the top. Would you collect it and put it with your dad's collection? What are they telling you at the school? I'm not having them put it with the dad's collection. That's cheating. You better not be putting that fluff with the dad's collection. You're mixing your fluff there. You've got no idea what's going on. In a way though, I mean, yeah.

I want to know how much of this Tupperware is full. Respect where respect is due. I don't respect them. God, I don't respect them. God, I don't respect them. I want to know how much of the Tupper hair is full. Respect where respect is due. I don't respect them. I wouldn't keep that up though. God, I don't respect them. I wouldn't keep that up. I wonder how much of the top of my hair is full though. Well, it's been four years. It's so strange.

It's gotta be what you wear then. So he stopped wearing his work clothes. So it must have been fluff from his work clothes. It has to be his work clothes. It must have been. Anyway, well done. Good for you guys. Imagine he's a fucking...

He's a mascot. He's in a base like a football team mascot. He's in base, he's in a base, like a football team mascot. He's in a mascot. That's what you do in a night. That's amazing. Honey monster outfit. Yeah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.

Ick, I've got an ick. I've got loads of icks. Get it. I love icks, I still love them. They're great. My husband has just filled the iron up by drinking fresh water he brought up to bed and spitting it in the iron and saying,

efficient, with a beam across his face, ick. What do you think of that, Fuff? It's like a, you know, like... Why's that iron upstairs? Is that weird? Some people, a lot of people iron upstairs. Do they? Do you know, like Baywatch, where they blow into someone's mouth? Yeah.

So he's basically done that with water to the iron. Oh, you did. That must have took a while. That must have took a long time. Our air hole on the iron is quite big. You could probably. But now, so when he's steaming his clothes, there's water in his saliva. So he's steaming clothes with his own fucking germs.

You dirty bastard. That's that's a lot. Efficient, not efficient. That's lifting. He's happy about it, though. I was in Portsmouth Guild all on tour once and someone from our management company, now and then they'll send someone out to just check on you

and make sure you're all right on tour and they send someone out. And I remember it was an incredible diss that she gave us because I was ironing me top to ready to go on stage and there was no sink in the dressing room and I was drinking just some bottled water and I poured the bottle water into the iron and she just dead dead plainly dead sort of dead pan just went oh you treat your irons well I mean I had a sack the next day but it was fucking good

joke Wow hi Rosie and Chris I've got a little story about something that I mean I had a sack the next day but it was a fucking good joke. Wow. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Hi Rosie and Chris, I've got a little story about something that happened when I was a child. Get in. Which didn't seem embarrassing at the time but when remembered as an adult makes my blood run cold. Wonderful. When I was about 10 I went on a big family holiday, Mum, Dad, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins

etc. My brother and I were by far the youngest and in those days nothing was thought of leaving us in the hotel room while the adults stayed downstairs for a drink. One morning the whole family was still dining out on the story of last night's escapades, which prompted me to ask what was so funny. My dad, correctly presuming that I wouldn't understand the context and just think it sounded amusing told me that they had convinced the bar staff that the whole family was in Tenerife in a professional capacity as Muff Divers. Oh god.

They'd explained to the unwitting staff via a convenient language barrier that they were diving off the coast for muffs and it was something of a family business. Good god. Just, do you know what's hilarious about that though. Like, and this is, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not being a dick, but like, ask, ask them to say something in their language. Oh, yeah, yeah, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, like, absolutely. Yeah, like, absolutely fuck you.

Like how like, oh, oh, we're told the muff and they didn't know what muff was. Yeah, but are they doing an entire job and ordering and speaking to you in their second language? You arrogant prick. Listen, so my brother and I thought this was hilarious and imagine the fun of tricking the hapless bartenders that this was a real job because of course, muffs don't exist. It then became a running joke for the rest of the holiday and a wonderful time was had by all. Brilliant.

It is, it's a funny joke. Look, it was before the internet. Look, it was before the internet. Yeah, it was before we all got terrified about war and shadows. No, I just meant there was nothing to do. That is true. Fast forward a week and I was back at primary school being asked to write a diary of what I did on my holiday. Serves you right.

Calm as a bitch. Seeing an opportunity to show off my hilarious family, I merrily retold the tale of the muff divers. I think I may have also drawn a picture of my family trying to snare the little critters with nets. Hahahaha! I didn't remember this until I was an adult and then wanted to die as I imagined this being passed around the staff room with a mixture of amusement and concern. Oh, that's, yeah, that's fantastic. I'm surprised. Yeah, thank you for that.

I'm surprised that that's the kind of thing would get sent in by a teacher going, a kid did this. Oh, yeah. It's like you'd get both ends of that in here. That's fantastic. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Busy working my way through your back catalogue.

Oh, thank you very much, dirty little... Bastard! Anyway, some years ago I was working at the now gone Pilgrim Street police station in Newcastle. I don't remember that. Yeah, I'm aware of where that was. I couldn't tell you where's the police station's near us. Have they gone digital?

I haven't seen one for a while. It's all online now, yeah, yeah. One morning. Have they gone digital? Oh God. That was a good joke. It was very good, well done. One morning, I was sent out in the cells

to bring up a prisoner for processing. Oh gosh, prisoner? Yeah, prisoners. The prisoner in question wasn't a knacker. Knacker, by the way, just means, wasn't like, dunno, just probably a wrongin'. A wrongin' like just... We're talking about maybe someone who's been in the wrong place wrong time or first offender. Just an average bloke who'd probably had too much the night before and done something daft.

There it is. There you go. As I opened his cell door he was sitting on the bed picking his teeth with a piece of foil. Beautiful. Now Rosie probably knows that before people go in the cells any possessions are taken off them. I do, I've seen a piece of foil. Now Rosie probably knows that before people go in the cells, any possessions are taken off them. I do, I've seen a lot of documentaries. So I was fairly sure he hadn't had the foil when he went in. I asked him where he got it. Oh, it was just on the floor, was his reply. He then spent about 10 minutes retching after I told him that there

was a good chance the foil had come out of a previous occupant's arse. And that's Mick from Gatehead. Why? Why? Yep. Go on, say it, because you're going to say the same thing I was going to say. Why would you pick a bit of foil up from the floor and use it to pick your teeth? Why? Why would you do that? And I'm not being funny, especially in there. So as someone who, you know, gets quite easily irritated by stuff, if he's in there, he's got nothing else to do and his main issue is he's got something stuck in his teeth and it's doing his head in, sometimes you will do anything to get whatever that is out. You could have, you know, you could have a full corn on the cob hanging out your mouth and it wouldn't really bother you. You're quite a laid-back person in that sense. Right. You're not bothered, you know, you could have a full corn on the cob hanging out of your mouth and it wouldn't really bother you. You're quite a laid-back person in that sense. You're not bothered. You could be like,

oh yeah, this cable tie, oh yeah, it's around my foot. It's really hurting. I can barely feel my foot, but I can't get it off, so I'll just leave it for a bit. If I've got boots on, for example, and the little knot on me sock is right on me little toe, and I'm walking through a train station, I will risk missing the train to take me boot off and move that sock, because it's driving us mad, because you won't. So this person's obviously the same as me. So he's like, I need this out, I need this out.

Oh my God, how lucky, a bit of foil. Wonder why that's there. Oh, that'll work. Not thinking. Oh, Jesus Christ. Literally, wonder why that's there is the thought. work, not thinking. Jesus Christ. Literally wonder why that's there is the thought, not what is this safe, no, no, no, just straight away to get it out.

No chance. So sometimes it's like a personality thing, you need the thing out, you need it soldered. And I normally get into more bother than I'm already in by trying to quickly fix something like that. So would you have done that? 100%, I'd 100% be doing that, and then should have said what it was for, and I'd have been part of it. If I'd got the thing out

of my tooth I'd have been like I'm not bothered. Because if I'd already got the thing out of my tooth. Because the priority was getting the thing out of your tooth. Does that make sense? I'm just trying to let you into me. Yeah no it's just insane but yeah I get it I get it but absolutely not in a million years. No. But I'm a massive clean freak at the same time but the priority would be this thing in my tooth is doing me head in so much I want to pull me fucking teeth out. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just letting you into me a little anxious brain there ladies and gents. What kind of story would you like? Do you want a poo story? Do you want a date story? Do you want a mysteries? What do you fancy? Can I want a poo story? Do you want a date story? Do you want mysteries? What do you fancy? Can I have a pooey mystery date story?

No, you ha- no. No. Do you want a pooey story? No, I want a mystery story because now I know it's not about dating or pooing. So I've got a chance now. I've narrowed three of the- two of the things out. Alright, well I can't- I can't remember what it's about, so hang on. Brilliant. I'll have a poo story. Yeah? Yes, please. Ready?

Yeah. Second time emailer here. Second time? This is somebody who I've had a story from before. Oh! And I went and checked what his story was before, but I don't wanna say it just in case he doesn't want people to know this story.

Got you. I would say keep anonymity there, yeah. Okay. Do you know what I mean? But if you listen hard and you know the podcast Inside Out out it was the one about the passing escalators okay clue second email here I mentioned this because when I told my mates that you'd read out my first email they all asked the same question is it your poo story oh it wasn't but this is oh it may also make a nice Rosie's mysteries. So there's a mystery. Do we have a possible Terminator 2 judgment day

scenario going on here? I've never seen, I don't know. It's one of the rare films in the world where the sequel is better than the first. Oh, the first story you did send in. Okay, good. I need to tell you, I don't know this guy. I'll just tell you. It was the one where he's dad, I need to tell you, I don't know this guy. Should I just tell you? It was the one where his dad, seeing the lass that he went to school with, and she said, how are you doing?

And instead of saying, better off of saying new, he said, better than new. Class. Yeah, great. Okay then, okay. Solid, solid first installment. And by the way, well done for getting a couple, I'm always shocked when people are like,

this is my second email email because there's genuine, I kid you not, swear down on my children's lives, and you know I'm fucking not bullshitting about that, there's like 50 or 1000 emails in there. So I don't know how, it's just, I don't know. Look at the door, I guess. People are good at writing them and you know. Yeah.

Good content. Exactly. The story starts on the morning of my 23rd birthday. Okay. Happy birthday. Where I woke up in a hotel bed in Thailand with my girlfriend next to me, a brutal hangover and a pooey bum. But no poo. Sorry. Yeah. Shite your arse. Oh God, I can feel that. The wee's written that. I can feel it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really set the scene there. Like I've never had de-old poo on us. Personally. That's a bold statement, but, yeah. You should really set the scene there. Like, I've never had the old poo on us.

Personally. That's a bold statement, but carry on. But I imagine, I imagine it to be a bit crusty. Really smelly and sad. Do you know what I mean? Would it be crusty? It would irritate your skin as well, so it would go so red. It gets it very irritated, doesn't it?

Yeah. You see, I couldn't remember pooing that night. It would irritate your skin as well, so it would go so red. It gets it very irritated, doesn't it? You see, I couldn't remember pooing that night. OK. Full stop. After my tour group had peer pressured me into drinking more alcohol than my body could handle, I had blacked out. Lovely. On waking the next morning, I walked to the toilet and noticed that the friction between my bum cheeks did not feel clean. In brackets, I'm sorry, I'm trying to put this as politely as possible. Yeah, no, you haven't, but it's fine. It's obviously a nice blow.

You painted the picture very, very well. I sat on the toilet and wiped. I'd definitely done a poo at some point, but my instincts told me that if I'd pooed in the correct place during the night, I would have definitely wiped. Okay. Cause they go hand in hand. Yeah it's like what's it called just ingrained in your memory. Yeah yeah yeah. Muscle memory. They're one and the same. Yeah I returned to the bed, I checked the bed sheets, I checked under the bed, I checked the hotel floor. Sorry sorry is his arse clean at this point? I'm, I'm, I'm... Yeah, he's white, tiny. He's white, right, okay. He's sorted himself out, I think.

Oh, how horrible. Hopefully there's been some sort of water and shower gel action. Yeah. Occurred, but we live in the mystery of that. Anyway, check the balcony. Check the balcony. There was no poo to be found. Oh, where is this?

My girlfriend to walk. Ah, good morning, my sweet boyfriend. And we began packing before breakfast ready to move onto the next hotel. I sheepishly told her that there may be a road poo somewhere in the room but I had no idea where. You know what it is right, even, I mean they're obviously young here and they're obviously travelling, 23. The romance dies fast doesn't it? The mystery of the romance dies fucking quick in a relationship. We are disgusting, disgusting animals.

And literally as soon as you've got someone who you feel safe with you're like, you know what I mean, we're on time, the sun's coming in through the window, you know, this silhouette of her naked body. And darling I've done a poo and I don't know where it is because I woke up and I had poo on bum bum help. Pathetic. Does it not sometimes make you a bit like, I don't know where it is because I woke up and I had poo on bum bum, help. Pathetic. Does it not sometimes make you a bit like, I don't know. Because I've had relationships in the past,

we both have. There's people out there, there's probably a handful of men who know a lot about me. Yeah, same. Yeah, there's people you've been really close to with them, you know. And it really terrifies me.

It's mad, isn't it? It's mad. And I wish I could take some of that. But everyone's got that though. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah wish I could take something from it. But everyone's got that though. Yeah. Everyone's got that. So it's fine. So everyone's got that baggage and they know that that,

you know, they can never always, I don't know, they can never judge you for that because they've got that baggage with other people because you've let people in. It's when you let people in that close. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, true. But yeah. But you do think if you ever see them,

you think, oh God, Jesus. Oh God, there she is. She spent 45 minutes with me trying to find a poo in a hotel room in Thailand because I had a dirty bum bum and I didn't know where it was from. It's exactly stuff like that though isn't it? Standing next to each other with your separate kids from new relationships at the soft play. How are you doing? Remember my look for me poo poo? I can't remember my look for you poo poo. I mean I'm hoping they're still together but yeah. Well let's find out because because I say that I have read all of these I still together but yeah. Well let's find out.

Because I say that I have read all of these I just can't remember. Of course. She was told her no idea where she looked disgusted. Good quite right. And I couldn't really blame her. Packing almost done and still no sighting we decided to get some breakfast before returning to finish the rest. I couldn't I couldn't relax I wouldn't be able to relax. On returning to the room the smell of poo was pretty hot in the nostrils. Hot in the nostrils is a wonderful phrase. At least it was coming from somewhere near the bathroom so I searched in there whilst my girlfriend continued packing that's when I heard her scream oh God. I turned to her, sorry. I turned to see her holding open the wardrobe opposite the bathroom door.

Inside the wardrobe was the safe and on top of the safe lay a turd the size of a sea cucumber with a bum cheek imprinted either side. I don't know why, but my first reaction was to shout, don't look at it! Don't look at it, you'll go blind! I grabbed a ton of wet wipes and cleaned the mess. My girlfriend was furious. Whilst I cleaned, the memory came back to me in pieces. I had stumbled

around in the dark trying to find the bathroom door. Somewhere near the bathroom area I must have grabbed a handle. Feeling around at knee height I had found what I thought must have been the toilet, sitting on it. Something around my head kept knocking me so I chucked it out the way. Now cleaning up I looked behind me. A single coat hanger lay on the floor and confirmed my memory to be true. I am less than proud to say that when I told the rest of the tour group this story, the

British lads and lasses cheered and howled with joy whilst the rest of the Europeans stood and walked away in disapproving silence. There it is. There's the cultural barrier there. My girlfriend stuck with me ten years later and is now my wife. Oh, there it is. Mrs. Shit Safe. Yeah. Shit Safe. I'm still making it up to her to do. Shit Safe. Yeah. So he literally must have sat on the toilet and he's drunk and stayed and thought toilets are different over here. Yeah. It's almost a bit shallow. It's almost a solid metal block. Oh, God. There you go. Nested on it and then just went, no, what? Oh, I mean, it would be even worse if you'd wipe these arse with travellers checks. Oh, remember them? I've never pooed anywhere, Rogue. Like, it's just not... It's not something I've done. No. No. No, hang on, have I? No,

I've never done it. I've never ever done it in my life. I remember when I was younger, because obviously I lived on a building site when I was younger. I've talked about me stand up for years. We were the first house and something happened, but I lived on a building site for a long time. My bad. Long time.

And I just go out and play on the building site. So where was all the other, was your house fully finished? You were the only house? We were, there was five or six houses at the front of the estate. Probably six either side of the road. Because you're quite close, your mam and dad are quite close to the front of the estate. six houses at the front of the estate. Probably six either side of the road. Because you're quite close, your mam and dad are quite close to the front of the estate.

Probably six either side of the road. And the first cul-de-sac round to the left was done. And the rest of the whole, we're talking hundreds of houses just built inside. There's not hundreds. 50 houses? Yeah. One of my mates lived in 146, so... Do you want to take that back or?

Oh, really? OK. So do you want to, maybe? or? Oh really? Okay. So do you want to? Do you want to maybe? I just don't feel like there's that many houses. It sounds almost the same as me saying do you want a bowl or a plate but not as bad because you just attacked a memory. You said hundreds.

Right, you mean two hundreds. When he was in the top of the... Honestly, that many houses is it? Okay, I'm impressed. Maybe I've never actually gone further than you have. Are you impressed? But are you apologetic is my first question. No, never.

Let's not forget as well, this was two estates next to each other, which was one big building site. So, possibly over 200 houses on there. No, because you go to the two different numbers. Yeah, but it was one big building site before they put a fence in between. I know, but we're talking about how many houses are there. And I'm talking, it was one big building site before they put a fence in between it. I know but we're talking about how many houses are there. And I'm talking it was one

big building site with hundreds of houses being built on it. Right. Okay. Fair enough. But actually but you're right though because if your mate lived at 142 that's 142 houses isn't it? Yeah. Or do they do odds and evens? There's no 13. I know that. There's no 13. Loads of streets. There's no 13. It's mad that in it. No one will buy it. And then but then I then you get wrong for being superstitious. Mad in it. Floating no 13th floor. And some. Yeah, some hotels has no 13th floor.

Well, I did it. I did a program the other day. And I'm not superstitious about many things, but I like to have the mic wire over my right shoulder for my mic. And it just couldn't be done because of the way that, well, it just was awkward. And he had to change it halfway through. And I was like, well, this is fucked.

So there you go. Well, there you go then. Back to me story. I remember watching when we were playing on the building site. I remember a friend of mine having a shit in a hole. Just, I watched, I got side profile, I can see it now as I close my eyes, side profile of his ass, shit in a hole,

pulled his pants up, I went, I'm not gonna wipe your bum. And he went, I'll do it later. And I am not kidding, he must have stayed out for another three hours. And the whole time I'm with him, I'm like, I remember he wanted to come in my house, and I was like, no.

Even as a kid, I was like, no. Even as a kid I was like, no. You will not sit on my bed playing on my mega drive with a shitty ass. It's not happening. He my God. Even as a kid. I told you what Robin said about your mom, didn't I? That is, what was it again?

So the other night, I mean, why do I tell you these things? But I'm telling you, right? Yeah. Me and Robin were in bed and I had a pump. Yeah. And I was like, I said to him, I went, Robin, I'm so sorry I've had a pump. And I was like, I said to him, I went, Robin, I'm so sorry I've had a pump.

And he was like, oh my God. And then he said something funny, but I can't remember now. He said something like, hot pump, hot pump on you. Anyway, right. We're laughing on. And I was like, we just basically went through how everyone's reaction would be if you pumped on them.

So I was like, what would dad do if you pumped on him? He'd probably go, and he said, you'd go, oh, pack it in, blah, blah,. So I was like, what would dad do if you pumped on him? He'd probably go, and he said, you'd go, ah, pack it in, blah, blah, blah. And I went, what would mama do? And then he'd give the action. And then I said, what will grandma Bill do? And he went, he'd pump on his back. And then I said, what would nana do?

Who's your mom? And he went, she'd probably have a shower. That's where I get it from. And I just thought, there you go. That's where I get it from. There you go. He ate your own lad. So perceptive, so perceptive.

I love that though. What would Nan and I do if you're pumped on our property? Kids man, they can just sometimes, they can just capture you in one go. It's great, but yeah, you are your mother's son. Fantastic. And honestly, hand on heart, every time I fart on my mom she has a shower.

Oh, hey, your mom and dad don't pump in front of each other, which blows my mind. No, no, my dad pumps in front of my mom, my mom's never pumped in front of my dad. Oh, sorry, that's it, yeah. My mom has never farted in front of my dad. I've never heard your mom pump. Incredible, innit?

I don't think I've ever heard your mom swear. I've heard her swear. Have you? The F word? Possibly. I don't think I have. Yeah? I'd love to hear your mum's way. What do? I might ring her.

I might ring her after this. No, no. I'll get to ring you on your birthday. Oh, get that just to call us horrible. Call you a fucking cunt on your birthday. Oh no, don't. I'd be dead sad. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do do. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Man annoyed, part of the Ecast creator

network. It is indeed. Thank you so, so much. Please episode of Shag Man annoyed, part of the Ecast creator network. It is indeed, thank you so, so much. Please remember to click follow or subscribe or whatever it is on your podcast apps and shops and we'll be back in your ears next week. Cheers everyone, genuinely. Bye.

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