Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 268. Eat an egg!

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Chris and Rosie discuss childhood games, refreshment sharing on a train and a league table of 'going out'. Chris shows Rosie his jiu-jitsu video and awaits her reaction! They also discus the potential meaning of pineapples! QFTP's include a randy dog, worms and a discussion about quick sand. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On May 10th, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is coming to IMAX and theaters everywhere. What a wonderful day! This summer, one movie event will reign. It is our time. Apes hunt humans. That is wrong. Bend for your king. Never.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. Only in theaters May 10. Tickets on sale now. On May 17, I actually like this so much better than a motel. I bet the people who live here are really happy. witness how the strangers Hello? became the strangers.

You have to get out of here. What the fuck's going on? became the strangers. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHH A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A Hello, you're listening to Shagmurry Noid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Christopher. Hello, surname's Ramsey. Ramsey. Don't forget. They know that. Might not. Might have, might be on shuffle. If you're new to the podcast, hello, welcome. Welcome. Nice to have you. Yes. We basically just ramble about loads of shit that goes on in our lives. Yes, and your lives. And everyone's lives. Oh. Jinx, you get the punch, I get the wish. Don't do not strike me on a podcast. I've never actually really understood jinx, but that's just.

No, there's an episode of Bluey that explains it quite perfectly to be fair. Great. Yeah, you're not allowed to talk then until the person says their name. If you're a wimp and you follow them rules, I would never follow them rules. See, this is the thing, there's so many rules

to different games when you're a kid. It's just really confusing. Yeah. Do you remember the one, I can't remember. It was something like rock. No, well you fucking can't, so I'm not gonna. It was like about tomato, you had to be a tomato and you had to turn around and had to jump and catch any shit, bullshit.

How are you? I'm good, I'm good. Sorry, I was just really, really enjoying reminiscing that game that you've just painted a beautiful picture of. Thank you, in the back lane. He's always in the back lane. Always in the back lane. Blocker was my favourite one as a kid. Blocker was... You must be a blocker.

Is that when you had to... No, that was British Bulldog. So Blocker was like hide and seek, but when you found them, you had to run back to the base and go. Oh, I hated Blocker. Really? Very stressful. I didn't like games as a kid like that. You didn't like games as a kid like that. You didn't like games? No, I just found them very like...

I don't even like hide and seek because I get really anxious when you're hiding and you're breathing so you're like... Sorry, who are you hiding from? Fucking Predator? This is your kids. Well, even now when we do it, I hate it because I just want to relax. I don't like anything like that. I didn't like Beat the Letter, we used to play that. I was trying to describe

that to... I don't know what Beat the Letter is. So when I hosted Comic Relief, they were talking about games as kids, right? It was just a conversation. When you do these things, you talk about a bullshit if I'm honest with you. Kill time. Kill time. It's horrible. Awful. And we're talking about games when we're a kid and I was like, Beat the Letter. And they were like, sorry what? And I was like, nobody played beat the letter. And they were like, what is beat the letter? I was like, well basically one kid gets told

a letter from another kid who's in charge and then you have to get caught and then they beat you up until you spill the letter. Until you say the letter. So it's like interrogation and a torture. Did you never play beat the letter? No it sounds fucking awful. Are you joking me? I went to a better school than you. No you absolutely did not. I hate to bring this up again but is your headmaster a knight? No he's fucking not. So. Oh this was in primary school. Well my primary school got flattened and now there's some houses. Beat the Letter? What's going on? Why does nobody know what this is? Because it sounds absolutely awful. Paddy McGee was like catch her it kisses. I was like, no, not catch it kisses. Beat the letter Paddy. Where's he from? I

don't know. Scotland. No. Beat the letter? Is that Paddy McGee's? Yeah, I think so. No likey, no likey. Beat the letter. Yeah, but you were saying catch it kisses. Catch it kisses. Oh stop it. Oh God, Paddy, sorry. Yeah, so Blocker was, I thought Blocker was phenomenal. I feel like you do Blocker as an adult. I feel like Blocker could be, I feel like, you know, they made that film, Tag, or whatever, TIG, or whatever it was. Yeah.

I feel like the mystery. Blocker's the best one. It was one of those films where, when you get past a certain age, you go, I can't watch that anymore. I don't know what you mean. When you're past like 19, it's just, no, can't watch it. Sort of like if Dodgerball came out now, you'd be like, I'm all watch that anymore. I don't know what you mean. When you pass like 19, it's just, no, can't watch it. Sort of like if Dodger Ball came out now,

you'd be like, I'm all right for that. I mean, Dodger Ball might slip because Dodger Ball was very good. Yeah, but maybe that was good when you were younger. Yeah. Yeah. If you were younger. It's a bit like if there's something about Mary. Couldn't get away with that now.

Okay. Yeah. So if you're wondering now what Blocker is, just so I can explain it, Blocker is the one, because you call it different places everywhere, Blocker is the one where you would have a base, everyone would go and hide, and then the person who was it would come and look for them and you'd have to be like,

ah, there, ah, Rosie, I can see you behind the car. Run back to the base, Block Rosie by a one, two, three. Oh yeah, yeah, Block Rosie. But then if they ran to the car and you ran around the car, and you got to the base first, you'd sprint back to the base, buzz off by a one, two, three. Buzz off by a one, two, three. And if everyone buzzed off by a one, two, three,

oh, you're doing it again. Yeah. Oh, it was great. Good times, no one plays out anymore. Nah, no one plays out. Got the bloody iPads and the big switches. We're gonna have to teach the kids Kirby. Yeah. I watched, he's quite quiet. We could do Kirby.

I've tried to play Kirby with Rob before. Rob would like it. Yeah, no, I didn't. Why? No, because he's got a fucking iPad, a Nintendo Switch, why would he wanna, why would he wanna bat, although he's enjoying swing ball at the minute. There's a swing ball in the garden. He's enjoying that. I am dreadful at swing ball.

Yeah. Rafe's even worse. Have you ever watched a toddler try to do swing ball? No, he's just hits the, he just hits it, he literally, he lets it hang down, straight down, and just hits it as it's against the thing. Swats it out.

God, it's horrible to watch. Well, in slow motion the other day, Robin was playing it forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand. And, uh, Rafe ran up behind him and Robin, you weren't there. And Robin just took a backhand and just smashed it across the top of Rafe's head. And Rafe went down like a fucking sack of potatoes. It was horrible. Are you joking?

I mean, most of the stuff happens on your watch. Thankfully, you didn't hit me in the face. It was just top of the head. It was all good. This summer started. Hey, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. It is episode 268. Shit, that's a bit bad.

You absolute beauties. And without further ado, on the note of summer, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is People Who Open Beer Bottles With Their Teeth. No, I hate it. Fucking pack it in. You fucking do it.

What are you talking about? I can't do that. You, oh right, you okay, sorry in. You fucking do it. What are you talking about? I can't do that. You, oh right, you okay, sorry. You don't do it with your teeth. You do it with your hand. I do it with a table or a surface. Yeah, which you're gonna fucking cut your hand open. I'm sorry, I'm swearing quite a lot recently.

I'm so sorry. I can't believe you just- I've done a couple of TV programs recently where they're like, don't swear, don't say anything, so I've just been on, I'm just letting it out. So fuck you and fuck your mom, fuck everything you stand for. Brilliant. I've never opened them with the bottom of my teeth. Right, okay, not you, but you open them with your hands and I really don't like that. So it's me sponsor, as if I'm gonna do something that I have to, are you even on this planet?

Sorry? I hang them on the edge, but basically the point is, stop it. We understand that it's very helpful if there's no, you know, if you're in a, I don't know, if you're on a bus or something, on a minibus going somewhere, stop doing it. Because to be fair, once someone's opened the beer with their teeth, I don't want to drink my beer anymore. I've got something to tell you about beer. How funny is this?

I've got an observation that I haven't told you yet. I've saved it for this, but I'll tell you in the actual, in the main body. Or, or, cliffhanger. Guys, guys don't go anywhere. Clip hangar. To hanger. Guys, don't go anywhere. Clip hanger. Come back after this jingle. And she's done the classic comedian thing,

which is say how funny is this observation before telling them what it is. No, it's not funny. That's gonna be, it doesn't. It's not funny. You just said. It's just interesting. I want your reaction.

Backtracking. Gonna be bollocks. Gonna be boring and shit. And, and I'm gonna put this out there now. I'm gonna put my money on it's gonna be wrong. It gonna be shit boring not funny and it's gonna be factually inaccurate yeah honestly there it is there it is go and stick a brush up your arse because that's what I feel like which way up your ziggy with a wah-wah brush there you go which way is the brush going on my arse bristles first oh. Oh the width and the bristles.

No chance. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid. Just a very quick thing. If this sounds better than it normally does, it's because Chris has finally invested in some proper equipment. And if it sounds worse than it normally does, it's because the new equipment hasn't been set up the way the old equipment has,

but we will rectify that after one episode. If Daisy tells us that doesn't sound as good, then we'll sort that out. Or, you know what, maybe stop fucking whinging, because other people are doing podcasts and zooming fuckers from halfway around the world, and it sounds like they're doing it inside a big biscuit tin, so why don't you check your fucking privilege and shut up?

Hey, stop it being horrible how Alice says. Sorry, sorry. Do you want it to carry on the cliffhanger? Oh, hey, well, thanks for sticking around. Welcome back. Literally, the world is waiting with bated breath. Bated breath. Come on.

What's your observation about beer? We used to do cliffhangers when I worked at Capitol, you know. Yeah, and that's all. And they were fucking terrible. Yeah. They'd go, keep them in the car. Keep them listening. I was like, no, nobody's staying in the car to hear the end of the story.

Everyone's late for everything. About Taylor fucking Swift. Although I did, I did once, I was late for something. At Christmas, I was driving, I was listening to either Hard Christmas or one of the Christmas Stations. There's loads of them now. And there was a Santa joke, and it was like, can you guess the punchline? It was like, what, the punchline coming up

after the next song? And I thought I'd got the punchline right, so I sat and I waited for the song. How old were you? I was driving, so this was, I mean, I remember, this was, Robin was alive. Oh my word. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so actually. I. How old were you? I was driving. So this was, I mean, I remember this was Robin was alive. Oh my word. Yeah, yeah.

So actually. I got it right as well. I was buzzing. Well, maybe I should have invested a little bit more. Christmas one as well as a Christmas one. I can't remember what it was. Sorry. Come on then.

What's the F? I was on the train yesterday. Yes. And there was a gentleman sat opposite me. I was on a single seat, but he sat opposite me. And then another gentleman sat in front of me on a single seat seat but I couldn't see his face. Okay. Anyway. Sorry in front of you on a single seat but you couldn't see his face. I was going backwards. Or you were behind him? I don't know I was sat backwards. You don't know. He was sat forwards. How could you not see his face?

Because there was a chair in between me. Right I get it. I was on a single seat. I understand. You go on trains a lot let's just not make this more complicated. Yeah but the way you said he was across from me but couldn't see his face. Alright man! He had a book held up at eye level for the entire journey. Come on then. It doesn't actually matter where we sat. Anyway. Okay. A gentleman across from me that I could see, he was drinking from a can of beer. Yes. And the other gentleman, all I heard was, excuse me, and the man turned around and he went, yeah. He went, I'm not drinking the rest of this beer, if you would like it. Because I've noticed that you're drinking the same beer as me. And he went, I've been drinking it out of a glass

and I just hate to see things go to waste. So the man opposite me was mortified. And he turned and he went, I'm okay, thank you. Wow. And I just wanted to see your reaction on that. Yeah, no, no, but I- The dregs of your can. No.

How strange, how strange. The can that on your single seat you've been breathing all over and touching and you probably wiped the top and I don't know you didn't take a sip of it. And when- I just find that really odd. So there was once we were on the train

and these women got off and they left us like half a bottle of Prosecco. It was me and the girls more like thank you so much. And I was like that's fair enough because that's like half a bottle of Prosecco. They weren't going to drink the rest. They'd be drinking out the glasses. But a can of beer. Yeah. Like would you say it about a can of pop? Would you say it? I see you're drinking a Coke there. I've drank half of this Coke. Would you like the rest? Because I'm not gonna finish it. It is really weird. What? Would you do it with a bottle of water? It was just...it was really weird.

Excuse me, mate. I can't help but notice you're eating the same flavour ice lolly as me. As you see, I've only licked a portion of this ice lolly and I'd hate to see it melt and go to waste. Would you like the rest of this ice lolly? Do you wanna go and fuck off, mate? There you are. See, I just found it, I don't know. And I'm not trying to be a dick because I hate wasting as well, but I just thought that's not massively waste.

Yeah. That's not. You know what I mean? A little drags of a can. Yeah. Yeah. I think the world is gonna survive. I think some people are just, some people really hate seeing stuff. I mean, just fucking naked. But he was traveling first class,

so he'd already paid more for his ticket. Or where the cans are free. And it was a free drink. Yeah, what are you doing then? And I just thought, you're not watching your pennies. Yeah. You're not kind of trying to save money and help somebody out.

It's just really odd. Might have been a pick up line. Might have been his opening gambit. Oh, do you think? Maybe, yeah. Okay. Something like that. Might be code, might be like swingers code.

I'm trained. I don't know. Right, what is the code? Because I told you, did I tell you about my dad sticking the football sticker on his door? Yes, so he went and he's, well, so this is always- Did we mention this on the podcast? I think we did mention it on the podcast,

but one of my worries in life, one of my things that I go around worrying about quite a lot is that I accidentally put a code for being a swing at somewhere. All right, okay. That it upsets me. Like when, what they said, what is it? If you stick a sticker of a pineapple on your door.

Apparently it's a pineapple sort of, if you've got anything pineappley on you, like a little caving. No! I don't. No! No! No!

No! No! Stop it, I've seen it in a TikTok video. Listen, if you've got anything pineappley on you, right, just put it on your door and we will be all up in your bum. Is that even on your door? If you've got anything all up in your bum? If you've got anything pineappley, like if you've got a key ring or like a pen and you

just have it around? Well, exactly. So what if I didn't know that? What if I go on a fucking cruise and I'm wearing some kind of like open, you know, you can get like a flowery shirt. What if I got like a tropical shirt and what if it's got pineapples on it and everyone's like, Oh, I shot at your wife. Did I ever tell you about, there was a comedian, I'm not going to mention his name. There was a comedian back in the day who I used to, I did some gigs with and him and his wife were in an open relationship. We did a gig and he was out and it was like a nightclub

after the gig. A lot of comedy clubs turned into nightclubs after the gig. And he was like walking around like trying to like pull women and he like would phone his wife and go, oh will you tell them that it's okay? Like, yeah this is my wife. I know I said I was married on stage but we're in an open relationship. Yeah speak to me wife. What's the point? What's the point? Is it just to help with bills? Oh, is it just is it like because of that part your marriage is just sort of like okay? Yeah. Did you just become friends? Is that the crack? I don't know. Because I don't know, I don't know. Maybe we haven't been married long enough to to know what that's like. Or if

that's on the horizon, which fucking call it a day now, where's my pineapple top? I know. Fuck this. I know, I'm the same. But then I kind of don't really believe in monogamy. It's very very very very frustrating. Depends what day we're catching on. Did I tell you? Did I tell you when I was coming back from a gig in Leeds once and I pulled into a little side street to sort my sat nav out and a guy tried to get me car. To what? Shaggy? Yeah yeah. Really? Yeah yeah. So I pulled, it was in Leeds, little back road in Leeds, fucking Leeds one way system. Leeds, I love you, but your one way system denied me. Was he a prostitute?

Yeah. Oh, right. Okay. So we went to get me car and I was like, oh, and I looked, I went, what? And he was like, you know, the car was locked and he was like trying to get in. I went, what are you doing? And he was like, car, the door's locked. I went, I know it's locked. And I went, I'm looking at me sat-live and he rolled his eyes as if to go, I bottled it again. That's, that's what me friends has been said right before it came out

that he was having an affair with another man. Really? No, I'm joking. All right, okay, I was dead excited there. No, yes, I was like, I'll check me sat nav and he was like, yeah, whatever. And he walked off, probably went back to the lads and went, no, bottled it. Again. I didn't bottle it. Third time this week. Listen, I might have bottled me vasectomy, but I haven't bottled this. Get in this car.

You're calling me chicken. Get in this fucking car, sunshine. Question. Yes. Does electricity ruin the planet or does it just cost a company money? Jesus. Explain. I was driving back to the hotel the other night when I was in London. It was past office hours. Right. It was like 10 to half 10 at night. Loads of offices in London just have all the lights on.

And I just thought, that is such a waste of money. Like ridiculous, Chris. So yeah, so the question, yeah. Is it bad for the world? Yes. Right. So it's using up resources. Yeah, well there you go.

So whether it be- Why did they do it then? I don't know. Empty office blocks. There's nobody in them. I often think of hotels with like hundreds and hundreds of rooms and a little mini fridge just wearing away every single day. How often do you think about that?

Every 10 seconds. Do you really? No, don't lie because actually- Wait, here it comes again. It's gone. No, I often think of that because when I was free. So when I was free just kick in, like when I was free, just I've got my little solar panel. Yes. Oh, stop it.

No, that's so horrible. I can't watch it. I don't think it was tough. I think I was doing every five there as well. So I've got I've got, you know, if I do the morning one, go out and have me do. Yeah, I've got our little app for the solar panels. you know it's like it's like oh you're using you're not using anywhere near as much as pumping it back to grid. I'm like yeah we're off grid we're green and then a fridge will kick in and it fucking changes it like you start using more so if a little you know if a little fridge in hotels are wearing away

it's gonna you know I don't know that's the thing they always come on and they go to make sure you turn your lights off and do this and have shorter showers and it was a fucking office there with 600 fucking lights on and computers on standby. Oh my god all of the tellies were on. No way. All of the tellies were on standby. Yeah. Literally. All of the tellies were on standby. How did you tiny little red lights from motorway did you see? No the screen like the actual logo was on the telly's I swear to God there was about 30 telly's. That's the hypocrisy of it. Yeah it pisses me off. They go make sure when you go in your kitchen you've got a bulb that takes 25 minutes to actually get light. But then all you see is

stuff on Instagram and things like that like long long after another planet, you need to be doing your bit, and you're like, we are doing our bit, but is every fucker else? No. There's a fuck, wait, Robin's watching Cardoo Network in a minute, and every now and then there's a Cardoo Network advert about saving the planet, and it's like, and I'm like, don't fucking bother the kids with it yet.

Like, we know it's fucked, but bother them in a bit. Like, wait a while. When they can get it. Oh, they're just like like what can you do? Tell them to take shorter showers and I'm like is he gonna start freaking out about having to take shorter showers? Little do they know I take them out in the garden, I hose them with a cold hose anyway so we don't need to worry about that. I mean it's okay so if people probably know this about you but one of your anxiety things is thinking about Yeah.

Um what's it called? Climate change. Yeah. So you've, I mean I would have watched that advert and not really thought much of it. Oh, not lives inside my head. But okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh babe. Oh, Phoebs. It's so funny at the minute because I'm actually, I feel really faint all the time and I don't

know why. I've got really low blood sugar, blood pressure, not blood sugar. When I had the baby, when I had me babies, the doctors were like, your blood pressure is really low. And I was like, it's, I think it's just a thing anyway. Um, so I should probably be really good at hide and seek. Sorry. We're back on hide and seek now. No, we're not. Um, but anyway, I just feel faint all the time and you know, it's hilarious. I know that if this was you, you'd have actually been at the doctor's by now. Of course. The fact that you haven't been already is madness. I just can't be yours. You're feeling faint and you haven't gone to the doctor's by now. Of course. The fact that you haven't been already is madness. I just can't be arsed.

You're feeling faint and you haven't gone to the doctor's. Go to the doctor's. What's wrong with you? I don't know. I can't be... Chris, I can't be bothered. Because I'll go and they'll go, what's the matter? I'll go. I feel a bit faint. They'll go. Chesty, I'm a bit afraid of the go. It's a bit low and I'll go, right, okay. And then they'll go, just come, just go home and let me know. They might not. What are they going to do? What?

Tests. Things. What tests? I don't know. I'm not a doctor. Why don't you go there and find out? Can't be arsed. Lunatic. Can't be arsed. Lunatic.

Eerie, I've had his injections yesterday. I know. Jesus Christ. Poor little bugger. I know. It's hard to explain to them like that. You can't explain to a child that, by the way, this person's gonna stick something sharp in your arm,

but it's for your good, for your own good. I did try to tell him. I was like, you're gonna be a really brave boy, aren't you? He was like, I'm to tell him. I was like, you're gonna be a really brave boy aren't you? He was like, I'm a big boy. I was like, you're such a big boy. I was like, the doctor, they're gonna put a little needle in you, like a little injection so it might hurt a little bit. And he was like, I'm a big boy, I'll be fine. Fucking shitty's pants. She did one arm and he was like, fuck. What was that? And then I just turned him around and I was like, they're gonna do it again. And then she just did it again. He was like fuck what what was that and then I just turned him around I was like they're gonna do it again and then she just did it again he was like

I know I know do you know they're bringing out a chicken pox injection right oh I heard a tip about chicken pox the other day it might be wrong but I heard a tip wash them in there with head and shoulders why whole body with head and shoulders don't know something to do with what it does for the flaky scalp and itch and it can do for the whole body. Oh really? You can bathe them in oats and shit as well. Oh God. Overnight oats? The only thing about chickenpox is that I guarantee...I don't even want to say it out loud. I guarantee you get it the week we're going on holiday.

Yeah. Yeah. Robin had it twice. Bagsy. Come with Bagsy, you've stayed home. I'll stay at home with a chickenpox and you're going on holiday. And I'll go on holiday. Please. Well, actually, I'll tell you what we'll do. Yeah. If it comes to that, we'll sit down,

we'll work out who's made most money this year. And whoever has made the most money can go on holiday. Grotesque. Because I've got a feeling that it's me. Because I'm having my year off. Why don't we settle it? You're let down. Why don't we settle it with a,

we'll head down to the gym and we'll just be jujitsu when I when I goes on holiday. What's this about a video? Oh yeah so I've got videos, I've got videos to show you. For the first time ever someone videoed me doing me jujitsu yesterday and I thought I'd show you them, I thought I'd show you them on the podcast just to get, I haven't watched these yet, just to get your actual view of them. Alright, you ready? Am I? Are you ready?

Who you fighting? Just dangerous, dangerous, dangerous guys. Dangerous guys. Is there music as well? There's not music, no. Is there sound? I haven't put it all back in track yet. Oh, do you make noises when you're doing it?

There's noises. Oh my god, is this going to be vile? Right, pass it here. Okay. Right, okay. So there's that one first. Well first off, you've got your lovely long leggings on. He's quite a big lad. Right, it's 16 seconds, here we go.

Ready? I'm trying to reanimate a choking, but he's got his hands in. You're touching, your legs are touching, he's got, oh, you're rolling over. There you are, right. Arse, just arse in view. You are on top of him like a tortoise shell.

You look like you're shagging And you know, it's awful it's stopped and there's just another couple in view it looks like an orgy this looks like an orgy I'm sorry Am I on some porn website? Oh, there's another one. Hang on. I need to watch this one. Right. He's got loads of tattoos. Adam and Kirsty Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, hang on. Use a scissor in here. Adam This is the third one.

Kirsty Oh, that is actually quite a rock. What? That's not long at all. Adam It's not a long one, but listen to the words at the end. Kirsty What? That's not long at all. It's not a long one, but listen to the words at the end. What? Tap. What's that? Do you now go into your full tap routine? Straight angle lock, why don't you show tap? So you tapped him, was that not your voice?

I feel like that. So you know how in sex you have code words? Yeah. How does that make you feel now? Semi? I'm full erect. Full erect. Well done. Good for you. What do you think now that you've seen it in sort of in action?

Oh, worse than what I thought before. You should never have showed this if I'm honest. It was too close up. It should have been further away. If it was further away and I could have seen it as a thing. I don't mean it in a horrible way. I feel like if I'd met you and you already did it beforehand, I think it wouldn't be as bad. But because we've been together for a long time and you just started it, it makes it worse. And I'm really sorry. And I don't know why. I love you so much. And I'm really... Listen, hand on heart, I'm really happy that you found something that helps you and sorts

you out a little bit, but it's just weird to watch. You literally look like you were fucking, like you looked like. I had three layers of clothing between my cock and his skin. That's absolutely fine. And then he's got layers as well. It's just, do you know what I mean? Like I ain't rolling around on no floor with no sexy lady. I'm telling you, no one there is sexy, I'll tell you that right now.

It's just good for the, it's, weirdly, I was speaking to Ed Gamble the other day, and Ed Gamble does, no he does CrossFit, and he went, of course you do Jiu Jitsu, and I went, yeah, and he went, it's nice to see that you've picked one of the four main activities for middle-aged men having a breakdown. Yeah, and also, do you know they're like cults?

Yeah. You've joined a cult. What do you mean? You don't realize it, but you have joined a cult. Have I?, do you know they're like cults? You've joined a cult. What do you mean? You don't realise it but you have joined a cult. Have I? Yes. How come? Massively. I listened to a podcast called Little Bit Culty and they were actually in a real life cult which was like to do with Jesus or something.

But they chat about cults and CrossFit is like a cult. That's like a cult. Anything, anything that you have to give up a certain amount of time and that you, you know, get involved with and pay for and bloody, bloody, brah. It's a cult. Right. Cult. Wow. Okay then.

Yeah. God. So yeah, apparently, I mean, I'm being, you know, it's not, it's a hobby as well, but it's just, yeah, but. No, I think it's just a hobby. No, I think it's a cult. I think it's definitely just a hobby. I think it's a cult. I think it's a cult and I think you're gonna start dressing in that stuff every day and I think

you're gonna start dressing the kids in it and I think you're gonna start using language and I think you're gonna not let me certain say certain things I think you're gonna tell them all we're bank details and they're gonna steal all the money okay yeah yeah okay good that's how it goes imagine being part of an actual hobby but I don't think they know. But then, oh my God, do I not know? Do I not know I'm part of a cult? That's the point, you don't know, you don't realise. But me on the outside, I'm like worried about you.

But then at the same time, kind of going, if you'd left us for a cult, that would be quite nice. Because then, you know, catch me on Lorraine. This is horrible. And my hobby has been attacked and it's very good. I can't believe you're not impressed with my videos of me wrestling and sweating. What did you think my reaction was going to be? That's the right thing. Worse than that. I did not think you'd be impressed in any way shape or form. I mean no it's alright you're doing

well. All you've got to do is Rosie just think of the benefits. Imagine he's a burglar, right? Imagine that guy's a burglar. Yeah? And imagine I've pre-authorized with him that he's not allowed to have a weapon or punch or kick or bite or gouge or headbutt and he's gotta play by the rules of Jiu-Jitsu and the floor's soft, he's not getting anything. He's not getting anything. Can I play your main?

What is it? Me singing a genus. Do you sing? Yeah, but I don't, you know, talk about it all the time. You played it for me the other day, this exact thing and you said, Adam's Dad- Aren't we all lovely? Me? Adam's Dad- Yeah.

Can you hear me most? My line. Adam's Dad- Yeah. I don't get the tune. No. There you go. So we've both got nice little hobbies that we enjoy. Yeah, love us.

Stop being a dick about it then. On May 10th, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is coming to IMAX and theatres everywhere. What a wonderful day! This summer, one movie event will reign. It is our time. Apes hunt humans. That is wrong. Bend for your king.

Never. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, only in theaters May 10. Tickets on sale now. On May 17th... I actually like this so much better than a motel. I bet the people who live here are really happy. ...witness how the strangers... Hello?

...became the strangers. Aah! You have to get out of here. Aah! What the fuck are you doing? Oh, my God! Aah! Shh! What are you doing this time? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHH A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef without making the house smell like fucking Aquaman's ring piece for two weeks. I just want... I'm looking forward to having a barbecue. We're getting a gas barbecue because I'm sick of the coal shit.

But I used to come home from school, my mom had the barbecue on. Nice! Yeah, it was lush. Nice! Yeah! Come on then, what's your beef? Right! My beef with you is... We're chatting a while ago about how you keep saying to Robin,

I'll churn you. Do you remember? Yes! We did chat about that, didn't we? So the exact thing was, he wasn't eating his tea, the exact thing was just a joke. I said chin that or I'll chin you. No, eat your chicken or chin that, sorry, yeah, chin your food. Chin that chicken or I'll chin you. So apparently I went away for a couple of days with work and then I came back to find out that now Chris doesn't actually say it. You just point to your chin. Just point to his chin and that means, stop what you're doing or I'll chin you. Like, does Robin actually know what chin you means?

Adam's Dad- I had to explain it. Kirsty- Oh, Jesus! These kids are gonna get taken off us. Adam- We're little mates, man. we're kidding. We're just little mates. But you know, he'll go to school and he will tell... What was he saying yesterday when he was on his Segway coming past? He just listens to our conversations and then turns them in like a crime. So you got on the Segway, the one with the little go-kart seat, you got on it,

and I stole a line from something about Mary. I called you, for a joke, I called you Roller Pig. Roller Pig. Which is so offensive, by the way. You were laughing so much. Because it was quite funny, but me on a Segway and you came up with Roller Pig, not very nice. It's because it's not a roller-jump pig.

It's just a joke. Like, it's obviously saying the most offensive thing ever. Like, yeah, I couldn't say it on the telly, but um, yeah, I mean, yeah, I'd give it a good try. Then I'll explain to you where I got it from when he says it in something about Mary and it's so harsh and funny as fuck, but he says it and then yeah, Robin just just literally kept saying roller pig. But Robin's like blate undiagnosed ADHD, right? And he just was going, R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R Like sometimes in life in our marriage you just you get annoyed at certain things for no reason whatsoever Who just me or in general? Marriage in general marriage in general you spend a lot of time with someone you know little things and start

I think being married is really hard. I know you say it all the time. Oh, all right. Okay. Do you what do you find it walking the bloody path? Actually you fucking you love being with me you like fucking you love being with me. You, you know, like. And I love being in a relationship with you, but I'm happy to have time on my own. You could just, no, you would just follow me around all day. And it's very sweet. Okay.

I went to go out on Saturday night and you, this isn't my beef, but you turned to me and said, you used to like spending time with me oh yeah did fucking bullshit when you fancy it when you're in a mood listen when you're in the mood you're in now thinking your Billy Big Bullocks right given it Lord showing off in front of your podcast

mate you're fucking you do it then when you feel a bit needy I was a bit needy the other night I was gonna go in the sauna suit and you're like oh you could just spend the night with me well actually in my defense though I've been away quite the sauna suit and you're like oh you could just spend the night with me well actually in my defense though we have I've been away quite a lot yeah and I haven't seen years before is that hey who's keeping a roof over this head sunshine my view view is so sometimes you get

annoyed no it's not me beef I just had a fucking by the way in my defense in my defense I'm just trying to rein you in because not listen I love you mom and dad so much and that you know I do and they know I do, but your dad goes out four nights a week and he always has, he always has since you were little. Yeah, yeah, it's nuts. You're slipping. You are. I go out once a week. No, right. I go out once a week for a couple of days and I'm back in half ten. Okay, this is what I'm worried about. This is what I'm pissed off about. You actually, you said that last week and you were like, I go out once a week. I was like, when, when did that get okayed? What do you mean?

When, cause you were literally like, I go out once a week. So now I feel like you've actually made this thing of when you go out once a week. And I'm like, nobody okayed this with me. I don't go out, I don't go out once a week. Yeah, you fucking do. I do, Chris, I do not.

Oh, by the way, by the way. Oh yeah. I made a, I once a week. Yeah, you fucking do. I do. Chris, I do not. Oh, by the way, by the way. Oh, yeah. I made a, I did write down. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Rosie's made a league table of who goes out and who's not. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. You've put them down. I've wrote them all down. Great. Yeah. You were out one, two, three, four, five, and I was out twice. And one of them was at my nana's house with all the family. So that's tragic.

We're doing per hours because one of yours was an entire day session. So if I'm going to do it per hours. Day session? When was that? Yeah, you were all day the other day when you went out at 11 o'clock in the morning. Didn't come back at 11 o'clock at night. Thought you'd run away. Thought you were dead! That's on there? Yeah, but I'm saying, so that-

25th? Yeah, that counts for three of my nights out because of the time. Absolutely does, no. Absolutely does. The kids, you didn't have the kids? Ah, the kids. No? Listen, my beef with you. You're pathetic that you've made a list by the way. I don't give a shit. Absolutely for that.

Because you love, no because you'd love to just rub it in my face. No I don't, you're the one who tells me to stay in! You told me to stay in on Saturday you nutcase. I'd never tell you to stay in. Guys, guys, I don't want you to be here for this because he's only just stopped telling me to not go out because he used to put the pet lip on all the time. So please don't Dave. Exactly. But now that you've made your once a week, you can't tell me not to. So, oh, how the turn tables. Listen, do you want to hear my actual beef? Oh no, not really.

My actual beef, and this is something I never thought you would ever get annoyed at me about. Obviously I'm having to get used to the fact that I can't even fart in my own house now without someone just shouting at us. Robin shouts at us when I fart. Raph, again, he's not bothered, it's lush. You've got an incredible, incredible habit

of if I disappear into another room to fart, you follow us in and go like, you fart in in here and I'm like what the hell man? I can't, you don't even need to be in here. I just think your farts are disgusting because you eat all that weird shit. No, what you're cooking, bloody lovely. No, not my cooking. Healthy bowls. Your fucking, your shakes, your protein, crap, your greens. Brotein, it's called brotein. Disgusting. Now, my actual beef is. Eat an egg. You. Now, my actual beef is... Eat an egg. You... Eat an egg. Eat an egg. Eat an egg or steak or a handful of fucking nuts. Rosie Ramsey says, eat an egg. Want your protein. You have started getting annoyed and kicking off and getting extremely angry when I stretch. Oh God.

There it is. Oh God. I stretch. So I've got a bad neck brought on by you, the VR incident years ago. And when I stretch now, anywhere now as if I'm just having to stretch, stretching my neck, stretching me back, you go.

You do it while I'm talking to you. You do it constantly, I'm talking to you and you're just like, you're like a little turtle head popping out of your head, goes like this and you're just like a little, and you're just talking about the hair and I'm like, why are you doing that? It's vile, vile.

It's horrible. You told them about your MRI that you went for? Your useless pointless MRI? Nothing come of it. Two appointments he had. Oh no. He said there's a little impingement. Did they laugh at you?

No, he said there's impingement on the nerve. His exact words were, I wouldn't offer you surgery even if you begged us. So that was like. There's just nothing wrong with you. It's all in, literally. Get some CBD oil and shut the fuck up. I tried my CBD, but it's a shut nightmare.

Babe, I'm really sorry, but I genuinely just think it's anxiety. And I think I think you hold a lot you're doing it now you're stretching now you hold a lot of you hold a lot of tension yeah and you know I'm not saying I'm not saying it doesn't hurt but it's because you're holding tension there even the way you sat right now why you sat like that but put your breast forward and so I had this on straight man we had this on strictly fucking everyday. Karen was like, shoulders back, chest up.

I was like, one, my body doesn't do that. Two, it would fucking hurt if I do it. And three, I'm from a town where if you walk around with your fucking chest up, someone's going to knock your teeth out. Like, you can't walk around like that where I'm from. You can't ball into the fucking pub and sell the shields. Shoulders back, chest out. Hey guys, bang, sit down. Yeah, he thinks he's mint.

Thinks he's fucking mint him like. Look at his posture, prick. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public. Question from the public, public, public. Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Buh, buh, buh, public. Just as a little side note to the beefs

that were previously, isn't it really grim that we keep a tally of when each other went out? Do you remember before kids? Sorry, it's to gr- you- I haven't kept a tally, there's nothing in my phone. Well, I'm keeping a tally. But isn't- I just sometimes like, I just miss. I love my kids so much and I wouldn't change them for the world and I swear down that, I mean that but God, I miss just being able to leave the house. So, it's nothing to do with kids, it's to do with the

responsibility that kids bring. Kids are brilliant, love the kids, but it's the responsibility. It's the, we were talking to someone yesterday, it was like, you're just, everything has to be planned. You can't, you know, they're coming in from school, they're going to school, or something's happening. Like it's, it's my responsibility. You're in charge of keeping two humans alive.

Yeah. We are. It's mental. Every time they eat, I think. Have I had enough? What haven't? Have I had green stuff? Are they gonna choke?

Every time they eat. I'm like, I can't leave a room. Can't leave a room when they're eating because I'm just like, what? Like, do you know what I mean? It's just a lot in it. If you'd have told me 10 years ago that I was gonna spend my adult life

cutting as many grapes in half as I have, I'd have told you to go for yourself. I would have said you're lying. Why would I do that? It's just a lot, isn't it? Anyway. Listen, if you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmoudinoy.gmail.com.

Rosie, what's in the bloody mail bag? I'll tell you, Christopher. Hi, Ramsey's. Long time listener, first time emailer. Awesome. Big fan. We have a small pug cross dog who has always been a little randy bugger.

Nice. What does that mean, cross dog? Cross with something else. Pug cross, he's a pug cross with something else. Gosh, what? Imagine. I don't know if they've withheld that information. Imagine a pug dalmatian. Is it possible to cross any dog with any dog?

Or can some of them just, for the size of them, just not shag them? I've got no idea. I might. No idea. I don't know how a dalmatian's going to shag a pug, that'd be disgusting. You very rarely see Dalmatians these days. Very expensive I think. Are they? I think so.

Very rare dog. Lovely though, aren't they? Gorgeous. Incredible. Yeah, horny dogs man. Awful. One day, my husband and I heard a repetitive banging coming from upstairs. We initially thought it was one of our three children playing so we went upstairs to investigate.

As we came to the top of the stairs we saw our little pooch looking very distressed. He seemed to be stuck to our bedroom door somehow and as we approached we could see why. The randy little devil had decided to have his way with my Star Wars dressing gown. It seems his lipstick, Dick, awful, whilst Hart had got caught in the loop used to hang up a dressing gown. And when he had finished his dirty deed he tried to leave our bedroom, dragging the dressing gown behind him, still wrapped around his little willy. He had gotten to the door and the direction of the dressing gown trailing behind him had

caused the door to close on him. Dog outside the bedroom, dressing gown still inside, door closed, dick stuck. Oh, that honestly, don't worry about picking up dog shit in the park. Having to detangle your Star Wars dressing gown from your dog's knob must be one of them days where you think, should we have bothered going and getting this dog? You still love him though, don't you? Of course you do. Yeah, but oh god.

My husband shouted, Oh no Rocky, what have you done? Quick, help, what do we do? His dick's stuck in the dressing gown loop. We couldn't even open the bedroom door as the dressing gowner got stuck under it with all its wriggling and fighting to get out. All of these wriggling and fighting. Me panicking ran downstairs and appeared swiftly back at his side with

his kitchen scissors he looked at me in horror and shouted I can't cut his dick off Kim! Obviously I meant for him to cut the dressing gown loop which after calming down he did and freed the dog. Oh putting scissors next to a dressing gown loop next to a dog like a dog that's kicking off next to us, not all of this story makes me want to die. Risky, risky. Oh God. Our dog is an old boy now but still Randy as ever. And since that day we made sure to

use a door stop on our bedroom door to stop him having to go through such horror again. Because that's the thing isn't it? So dogs are just like, kids grow up, don't they? Yeah. But a dog, you've just got a dog forever. Yeah. I remember I think with Nick Grimshaw said this once, he was like, he was like, that little fucker will never be able to make me a cup of tea.

He said, but a kid can grow up and go make you a cup of tea. Yeah, and wipe your ass when you're older. Yeah, exactly. I mean, dogs lick your ass clean, I suppose. They love that. Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hello from down the road, Washington, not USA.

Got you. Yes, everyone, there's a Washington in the northeast of England, believe it or not. And they used to have, what was it called, man? When they had like areas. Didn't have post codes, they had areas. Remember, it was like. Oh, it was like, yeah, it was like the Hunger Games.

Area one, area. Yeah, they had like segments. What was it called? I don't know, like districts. Yeah. districts yeah yeah yeah so weird yeah i remember dropping someone off who lived there once and he was like well like where in Washington do you live he's like oh they're just like district nine and we get what the heck what what are you talking about what's your pose board like a dystopic film disgusting i don't think they've got that anymore i don't think they do Disgusting. I don't think they've got that anymore. I don't think they do. Big love washing. I have a horrible little story from my clubbing days. When I was around 19, me and my friends

used to go clubbing in Sunderland. Me too. I used to get astronomically mortal and occasionally weigh myself. Fantastic. Sunderland was a great night out back in the day. It actually was. I don't know what it's like now to have me now for ages but my god it was great. Remember that point? Yeah. Unbelievable. Incredible. This one night I got to the toilet just in time but my drunk self forgot to pull my pants down. Oh brilliant. Drinking of piss you'd think this would stop me? Nope. A little spritz of perfume and back to the party. No no go home. You pissed yourself. My pants were black and the club was dark who would would know? Oh my god! Hey, if you're having a good night... Oh no.

You could probably go home if you pissed yourself. A little while later, a lad I had fancied for a while approached me. Oh for fuck's sake. One thing led to another and we started snogging in the smoking area. As he grabbed my bum, my brain went off like a lightbulb. The pissy pants! He seemed rather unfazed, but in panic I said, Oh, some girl spilled a drink all over my bum.

He said, I can tell, it's soaking wet. Oh, for God's sake. He came into my work the other day and his old memory came flooding back. Oh... Girl spilt a drink all over my bum? Oh, what was she drinking? A cup of piss? Horrific, isn't it? Do I ever tell you I had a mate who used to, when we were going to the, so we went in, oh fuck it's an awful story, we went into a toilet

once and you know the blokes have got the trough. Awful. Yeah, so now and then in the trough there'd be a cup, a glass, someone would put a glass in and everyone would just wee in the glass. Why? What's wrong with you? Just fucking have a wee and leave. You're so vile. So just while it's on, I'm so sorry to interrupt you. No, no. But you know how my brain works. Yeah.

I seen a video the other day of a bloke chucking one of them little disks to another bloke and he caught it in his mouth. Oh, the urinal cake. Yeah. Oh no. I could have died. I could have died. Even thinking about it now makes us want to be sick.

Oh God. That's awful. Oh, God. That's awful. No, yeah, so I had a mate who used to, he went through a phase of like, if ever there was one of them and he had enough of a crowd, he would drink it. Oh, God!

Yeah. Yeah, he would drink it. It would be, so it'd be like, so I'm telling you now- Who? Who is this? No, no, no, no. Is he ever around one of our children?

No, no. No. Who is it? Haven't seen him for years. children? No, I know. Who is it? Haven't seen him for years. Tell us. Haven't seen him for years, not name him on here. But so the kind of glass you would get like a treble vocal, a red bullion or whatever, or a half pint glass.

Tumbler. Yeah, like a tumbler or a half pint glass and it would just be standing in the trough and it would just be like a night's worth of strangers. Everybody's pissed. Chris, I'm sorry. That's disgusting. Really bad.

I remember it. So people used to like, he would do it and people like half the toilet would be like, whee, and half, I remember one guy was sick once when he saw him do it. Awful. I am that, oh. Awful.

He also, him and another lad used to do a thing called mind sweeping, I think I've talked about before. Oh, I know mind sweeping. When you go around and just drink all the things. I weirdly don't find that as bad. Pretty bad, it's all disgusting. It's disgusting, but mind sweeping is not anywhere near as bad as as drinking strangers.

Yeah. Dehydrated on a night out pace. Yeah, awful. Absolutely awful. I can see now in my head, as I close my eyes, I can see the first toilet that had happened in it, and it was like, what the hell? And then it was like, I'll do it again, and you would just do it again. Do you know when I worked at Pontlands, we used to do this thing, and now thinking back, I'm like, that is disgusting, right?

Everybody, it would be a game, you could win this monkey bottle of champagne right everybody would fill a pint glass up with just loads of stuff that everyone had so whoever was sitting there dirty pint it'd be drinks it would be baby's milk it would be like pop it would be just loads of stuff that anyone had right and then people would drink it but the drink it through a stranger's sock so the glass this is part of the evening's entertainment honestly the best part of the night oh yeah and then they would win a bottle champion awful in it oh people were down people are actually God so bad so bad did I ever tell you about the competition that my dad did in a pub on God. I know. Oh! So bad, so bad.

Did I ever tell you about the competition that my dad did in a pub on holiday once? No, but come on. So the competition was him and these two young lads got up, right, and they had their, I think they had their, if I remember rightly, it was something like blow up a balloon. It's gonna sound so shit completely, that stuff,

but it was something like blow up a balloon, neck a pint, and eat a pat of crisps. And whoever won first won a T-shirt. That's 90s pubs on holiday. And my dad won, he blew everyone's mind by the fact that they blew the balloon up, that was fine, and then they necked the pint, and then the pat of crisps,

these lads had the pat of crisps on them, they were just sticking their hands in the crisps and shoveling in their mouth. I've heard this before, yeah. He were like, had the patty crisps, and they were just like sticking their hands in the crisp and shoveling in their mouth. I've heard this before, yeah. He opened the, he thought he was Jack the fucking Lad. He opened the packet, he crushed the packet, and then he just poured all the crumbs in his mouth. He beat them by really far.

And he was so, I can still see how fucking smug he was when he did it. You two have got a similar sort of brain, I think. Bit of logic, yeah. My dad would have been great on Taskmaster. I know, I know that's the thing, isn't it? You actually would have. Yeah.

I won Little Miss Beach Club on holiday. Okay. Yeah. What'd you have to do? I must have told you. What'd you have to do? We might have talked about this a long, long time ago. Eat someone's shit out of a stranger's shoe.

No, no, it was, so I had to sing a song. I sang it. So that was the last part of it. There was loads of parts of this competition. All right. Spread over a few nights, did they? Spread over a few nights, yeah. It was like a little, like a tournament thing. There was loads of parts of this competition. All right, spread over a few nights. Spread over a few nights. Yeah, it was like a tournament thing.

I was on two week holiday. But they thought I was German. Oh, you said, yeah, yeah. I've told this before, they thought I was German until I sang a hymn, right? I sang colors of day dawn into the night. And they were like, oh! You're English.

I refuse to believe that you hadn't spoke. I just sort of nodded and said yes, I know. But I genuinely think they thought I was German. No, they heard your Geordie accent and they thought what the fuck is that noise? That must be German. Maybe. Yeah. I swear to God. And then it wasn't until I sang the song. My dad, my dad was like, they thought you were fully thought you were German. And your dad looked proper German back in the day. He does actually look a bit German. Yeah he does. Winter. Winter. Winter. There we go. Hi Rosie and Chris. Long time listener. First time in the middle. Hello, hello, hello, hello. I'm currently WFH. Hold on. WFH. WFH. Where? Oh. WFH. Oh oh, WFH.

Oh no. It's an action. It's a doing, working from home. Oh, that's upset us. That's upset us a lot. Don't like that at all. Do not like that. Okay, I have to stick up for them

because I have started in text messages doing like NGL and that. Like not gonna lie. Oh, who do you think you are? No cap, really no cap. What do you mean no cap? Are you lying or not? No cap, you're lying?

No cap. What does that mean? No cap, are you lying? Does that mean no bullshit? No cap, really you've started doing that, no cap. If you've all been down with the kids, I'll be down with the kids. I've never heard of no cap. I'm sorry, you've lost us with no cap.

That's absolutely infuriating because we did a quiz on this very podcast where I explained to you what no cap was. Oh yeah, don't remember that at all. Great. Sorry about that. So before you carry on with this email, just for people listening, is it NSFW? Or is it SFW?

Don't know what you're talking about. Is it not safe for work or is it safe for work? What? This email. Is it safe for work? Yeah, is it dirty or is it not? That's a bit disgusting. I was just trying to use more letters.

And I don't know if Deezer let it out, but there was such a huge gap when I tried to work out. I did, keep the gap in, because it was ridiculous. I knew it was not safe for work, but I couldn't remember the acronym. And, and, and. Keep that dead air in dude. Do you know what I did? Little letters in my head. I can't do big letters.

Come on. It's the worst thing I've ever heard. Right. Listen. Currently working from home. Listening to this week's episode about the untuned mushroom in the toilet. And for the first time I felt compelled to write in. Fantastic. Being with my boyfriend for eight years since we were 18. Okay. How old are they now?

Oh, 26? 24? I don't know. No, 26. Yes, 26. 18, 19, 20. She's on her fingers. She's counting on her fingers. Okay, 26. You're right. Well done. Thank you.

And he is somewhat of a hypochondriac. Love him. And easily scares at small symptoms. Yep. Sounds familiar. Oh, honestly, when I was sitting- Chris got an MRI for his bad back. Paid to go private for an MRI.

Yeah. And he's a little bit of a wimp. and easily scares at small symptoms. Yep. Sounds familiar. Oh, honestly, when I was sitting... Chris got an MRI for his bad back. Paid to go private for an MRI. When I was sitting there waiting for the results. Because the real doctor's wouldn't have sent him. Well, when I was waiting for the results, that's honestly, you're walking in and out of the room and you're watching a bit of grazing at me.

I was like, what have they found here? Oh, Chris, your neck's fine, but why? While you were in there, what were found? MRIs are weird. Have you ever had one? Never. So you go into the machine, like a big doughnut machine, you goie and X fine, but why? While you were in there, what we found? MRIs are weird, have you ever had one? Never. So you go into the machine, like a big donut machine, you go in and they go, well, I don't know if this always happens,

but she went, do you want music on while you're in there? I went, go on then, she went, here's the headphones, and we can only play smooth radio. I went, great. They played it. When the machine kicked in, you couldn't hear it anyway. Oh, great. It's good, yeah, that was like,

I could only just hear a bit of Will Young. Oh, nice. Yeah. But then it's like, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I've never heard of it before as well. Have we? Yeah. See I never learn do I? You never listen, you never learn, you never retain anything. No! Fucking honestly it's like doing a podcast. I just went back to thinking it was hyperchondria. It's like doing a podcast with Dory. Because of this we have many stories of his panic but when you mentioned it was only red

pepper and sweet corn that doesn't digest I thought oh my god no it's not. Oh. My boyfriend and I had a Chinese one night with a few glasses of wine, a lovely evening and thought nothing of it. The next day I hear him screaming from the upstairs bathroom and pleading for me to come and have a look at his shit. Brilliant. Something you would do. Reluctantly I went. He was sat, oh god this is what I hate, this is you. He was sat on the edge of the bath with his hands on his knees, taking very deep breaths and just said, I've got worms.

Call me an ambulance. An ambulance for worms? Now, with this hypochondria, the smallest things he requests an ambulance. He just cannot understand what warrants the GP or A&E. I will reassure you, I have never caved to call the ambulance at his request as this is a waste of the NHS time. It's always an ambulance! It's always an ambulance.

Worms, ambulance. Call an ambulance. Hello, what do you need the ambulance for? I've got worms. Right. I look in the toilet and in a huge shit is, oh do you want to guess? A fucking noodle? A rice? No. No? Oh. Come on then.

The longest bean sprout I've ever seen. Of course. Of course. Of course. I'm trying to reassure him it's a bean sprout but in his panicky he's googling tapeworms and is saying we can't be sure as we don't have a clear view. To my horror he puts on a glove and removes the worm into a Tupperware box. After about 20 minutes of comparing Google images to the specimen in the lunch box he finally accepted that there was no need for an ambulance. To this day I can't look at Tupperware boxes the same. Please keep me anonymous. Couple of things, chew your fucking food.

Yeah that would make life a lot easier. Throw that Tupperware away. If it was a tapeworm and you'd shut it out, then it's gone then. Well done. Tapeworms. It stays in there, doesn't it? We may have said this before because this is a big part of what I thought, tapeworms would have much more. I don't know. They'd be in my life a lot more than they are. Right, where have you seen, do you think they would be in your life more when you were a kid? I remember when we were kids talking about tapeworms a lot. And I never really knew what they were. I just thought, I didn't know how you got them. I just, when adults would be like, you got a tapeworm! Right.

If you ate a lot, they'd be like, you got a tapeworm! And I just thought, fuck, when am I getting this tapeworm? So here's a question. You've just said you never really knew what they were. Do you know what they are now? So I think, no, no, no, no, no, listen, right. You get them from foreign countries. Swip in statement, but okay.

No. Yeah. Maybe not. I think it's from, I think it's from like, you know, like bacteria, I think it's meat. Yes, and I think you have to eat it for it then to get into your stomach. And then it just grows. It lives in your intestine.

It lives in your intestine and it eats your food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what it is. What? Yeah. Oh, God. Fucking screensaver.

Shit, the pad, two seconds. It's still recording. It's still recording. I absolutely shat myself there. I thought you'd seen a tapeworm. You've got me there. No, but I thought they would just have more to do in my life. It was mentioned a lot as a kid.

I don't know if I've said this before and apologies if I have, but I always think about this as an idea. We've gone four years now, guys. I have no idea what I said four years ago. I'm really sorry. Do you know what I thought as a kid would have featured a lot more in my life by now? ET. No. Quicksand. Oh, Quicksand. No.

Is it even a real thing? I don't know if it's a real thing. I thought I would be battling that on the regs. Every fucking cartoon I watched as a kid, some fucker was getting caught in Quicksand. I'm telling you though, I do think the stuff that we've watched as kids is preparing us for something, won't you? Right, you reckon? Yeah, I do. Is that what you we've watched as kids is preparing us for something won't do. Right you reckon? Yeah I do.

That what you think? I absolutely do reckon. Okay let's see quicksand reel. Quicksand is not quite the fearsome force of nature that you sometimes see on the big screen. In fact the treacherous grit is rarely more than a few feet deep. It's basically just wet sand that's so saturated that the friction between the sand particles is reduced. Brilliant. Oh god. I think I've been in that in quicksand. You know at Holy Island when I went for my trip. It's basically just wet sand that's so saturated that the friction between the sand particles is reduced. Brilliant. Oh, God.

I think I've been in that, in quicksand. You know, Holy Island, when I went for my trip. Oh, when you got your first pubes. When I got my first pubes. Your first pubes. There was loads of like mud in that, and we just went plodging in it. It's really disgusting, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Well, there we go. So there you go. Yeah, not as terrifying. Relax, everyone. Quicksand isn't a thing. You can go back outside. Don't panic. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do.

Guys, thank you for listening. You've been listening to Shagmire Nois, which is part of the Acast Creator Network, and we appreciate it very, very much. Thank you, we really, really do. Please, obviously, I'm gonna bang on about it again. Follow or subscribe, or whatever the fuck the button is. Needy. the fuck the button is that very needy I need you to just follow us around and be with me and if you want to get in touch at shagmarynoida at gmail.com

and thank you so much for listening for being here and we're back in years next week we'll bloody love you. Smelly later. Bye! Bye! Really rude that Smelly later. Really rude. I don't think you're clever. If you say that to a teacher, you get sent in the corridor. So there you go. What about you? I think you're hard.

Okay. On May 17th, I actually like this so much better than a motel. I bet the people who live here are really happy. Witness how the strangers... Hello? Became the strangers. I think you're... What the fuck's going on? Stop! Shh! Hello? Became the Strangers. You have to get out of here.

What the fuck are you doing? Stop! Why are you doing this to us? Because you're here. The Strangers Chapter 1 Only in theaters May 17th.