Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 269. The Summer of Sixty Nine

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

It's a (kind of) sexy episode this week! Chris and Rosie chat Northern Lights, latte art, competitions and Chris does some coffee math! Rosie has been talking about Chris behind his back which gets back to him and causes some fresh beef. QTFP involve a new game, spag bowl and a roll on deodorant. PLUS Chris starts planning Rosie's quiz for next week. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday... I actually like this so much better than a motel. I bet the people who live here are really happy. ...witness how the Strangers... Hello? ...became the Strangers. You have to get out of here. What the fuck are you doing?

Oh my god! Why are you doing this to us? Because you're here. The Strangers Chapter 1 only in theatres Friday. Hello you're listening to Shagmarrninoid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey tell them which episode it is. It's episode 269 sexy very sexy hello. When was the last time you had a 69?

Yeah, write it in now and tell us the last time. And actually don't, no, don't. Don't write that off. You know what I do? I'm interested. It's been a long time for us. Yeah, the old 69s. Long time.

The old 69s, yeah. Just not my cup, never been my cup of tea. It's awkward, innit? Awkward, a lot of, just a lot of maintenance and a lot of thinking time on your own, looking into someone's arsehole just not it's not where i want to be in life a lot of thinking time looking into someone else's gooch remember back on sexual experience and think i had a lot of thinking time

yeah a lot of thinking time i know what you mean a lot of downtime, a lot of, yeah. Hello darkness, my old friend. That's what I was trying to think of that song. Oh, yes, yeah, never be my thing, the old dinner for two. Do you do it on your side? Do you do one person on the top? Do you do one person on the bottom? Oh, God, absolutely not. Memory that I forgot about.

Oh, is it about you having sex when you were younger? It's about a friend of mine doing a 69. Is it right? Is it okay then? He said, which I found, I found it strange when he told us it back in the day, again, naming no names, but I found it strange when he told us it back in the day that him and his girlfriend at 69, that he was on top. So he was the top one. Oh God, that's a lot of core work.

Yeah. So he was like, you know, on top, like he's, you know, turtle position. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, they sort of finished and he got up, but as he got up, he sort of pushed his pelvis down and nearly killed her, nearly choked her. Went like full on, like, she was like... Oh, Chris, man. What? It's bloody, it's 10 o'clock in the morning. Like it could be...

Deep throat. No, accidental deep throat, which I do feel is worse. So... Yeah, it's quite worse. So, there you go. Oh my God! Guys, guys, apologies. Adam's Dad- Yeah, sorry everyone. Because this is horrendous. Adam's Dad- Do find it weird that the bloke would be on top though. Don't know why, just find it strange.

Kirsty- It shouldn't be really, should it? Because I was like, co-work, but then what about when, you know, a girl goes on top? Adam's Dad- But it is, I don't know why, but it is weird. It is weird the bloke. Kirsty- Or two men or two ladies. Adam's Dad- Well, yeah, of course, that's a given. But we're talking from our personal experiences here. Do you know what I mean?

I know we're living a world- Stop talking about your personal experiences. I know we're living a world where it has to be that, but you can't, I can't tell you my experience of that with a man or two women because that's not something I've ever done. Listen, get three wines in us, I'll tell you some stuff. Happy days. There it is. There it is. Maybe four. Are bottles or glasses?

Oh, just glasses. Just glasses. Excellent. Hey, are you okay, though, just glasses. Just glasses, excellent. Hey, are you okay though, apart from the filth? Straight in with the filth this week, good grief. Honestly, I'm good today. I've not been great, I'm not gonna lie, right? I like to, I'll just tell you the truth. Just being a bit down, I think.

You've been very, very abrasive and negative on the podcast, I'll be honest with you. Loads of people have been saying it. No, they have not, I don't. Well, just me and, just me. But look. Nobody's been saying that. No me hormones are just, honestly erm, this is so depressing right but the other day I googled why are my hormones ruining my life. Yeah. And it was genuinely

like it was top Google search. Oh fuck. I was like I'm not alone. I just feel like, I just feel like is this me life? Yeah. Is this me life, the up and down of just hormonal asshole fuckery? And I just can't, I dunno, sometimes I can't deal with it, but today, genuinely, I feel a lot better. That little cloud has lifted and I feel good, but that's my life. Well that's lovely, and let's make the most of it,

and I'm dead glad, and I'm really sorry there's nothing I can do genuinely to help. I feel so helpless when your hormones are just fucking you up, because I'm like, well, when I'm nice, it pisses her off. When I'm not nice, it pisses her off. When when I'm nice, pisses are off. When I'm not nice, it pisses are off. When I'm here, pisses are off. When I'm not here, pisses are off. There's not really anything I can do. And I know it's not your fault. I know you're not deliberately being a no. No, I promise you I'm not. I literally, I don't know. I haven't told everyone.

What? About the coil. Uh huh. I had the coil fitted. Ah. About a while ago, actually. Why wouldn't you? I had the coil fitted. About a while ago actually. I just didn't tell you. Because on the tour, I dressed up as me period. And ridiculously we were like,

people won't believe the character if you tell them that you're on the coil. And you're like, wow, what is my life? So no, I've had the coil for about six months, which. You just imagined, sorry, you just imagined someone watching that in the crowd heckling at the back, just going, Uh, she's not a coil, so this is a load of shit. No, she's not on her period, this is bollocks.

How weird, how weird our life is that? I know, it's crazy. So, you know, I've had it for about six months and it's just so lovely not having a period. Apologies, everyone, if you're currently having something neat or whatever. It's been really lovely not having a period, not having to change my tampon twice in the night has been honestly, during my life. But, I know, so I think I have been a little bit better, but I'm not gonna lie, I find with the coil I have about three days of full-on depression. And I've never actually suffered from depression, so it's just what I imagine depression feels like. I have a few days of it, whereas before I was just

an asshole for a while. Adam's Dad Yeah. Kirsty I'm not as irrational, I don't think. Adam's Dad You're not as angry. Kirsty I'm not as angry. Adam's Dad You're just a bit more. It's a bit more subdued. Kirsty A bit sad, aren't they? Adam's Dad You're like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Kirsty Oh God! Chris, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Adam's Dad I don't know. Kirsty Is this my life? Adam's Dad I don't know. Kirsty Fuck this. Adam's Dad Is it? Yeah. I think the main question is, is this my life? Kirsty I know. I know. Eeyore, let's carry on with the actual thing. Adam know let's carry on no but there's other good news today is good news yeah you know you're not hormonal hobby what would you rather have though the anger or the like

sadness the anger I think the anger is a bit better at least because the anger comes and goes the sadness sort of stays like a bad smell oh no it's alright no. It's alright though I still love you and I forgive you. Oh my god. Okay it's not I don't even need to forgive you it's not your fault but listen the good news is as I look over to the left here your fanny heater is over near the window not turned on. No. So we're getting the summers here. It is not Chris I've got a massive thick jumper on. Shhh. Summer is not here. But your fanny heater is not here so officially summer's here. Yeah okay. So it hasn't got a's here. Yeah okay. We had a couple of nice days. We did have a couple of nice days. The only time out if I really really want to live down south. Yeah when they get really nice weather. It's literally, what is it today? It's like 90 degrees in London. Listen, don't check other

places weather right. It's because it's it's toxic. It's bad for you. It's the grass is always greener. Don't check other places weather. Don't sit at home on your weather app when it's raining, flick over to Dubai and go, it's sunny. Of course it's fucking sunny in Dubai. When I lived in Greece, yeah, did you? And I worked in roads. Sorry.

Fuck off. Hold on, this is the first. Listen. First time hearing about this. I remember once, doing a rain dance, cause I was so sick of that sun. So it's, you know, things around about. Did the rain dance work?

Didn't, no, I was a bit pissed. But it was just boiling all the time. It was so hot and I was just desperate for it to rain. And also- Very selfish, that. This is really grim. It was like a little cafe that used to do like chicken nuggets and chips and like jacket potatoes.

I would go there quite a lot because we were working in a five-star hotel. We got free dinners and the food was like amazing. But it was a bit too good. And sometimes you were like, I just want jacket potato. And But it was a bit too good. And sometimes you were like, I just want Jackpot potato. And thankfully it was Paradise Cafe. Thankfully.

Thankfully. Thankfully there was Paradise Cafe. Paradise Cafe. Should we crack on? Great, yeah. No, I understand that. I remember name drop, clonk, when I did a Royal Variety performance,

I was talking to Harry Styles afterwards. Oh my God. And they were just about to break up and I went, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? I went, what are you gonna do? And he went, I can't really do his voice. I'm gonna imagine I was really pissed. I can't remember where he's from. I can't remember where he's from. He was just like, I'm just gonna go home with my arms

and have some beans on toast. Aww. I was like, okay. I totally understand that. I totally understand that you want a bit of normality. As it turns out, he actually went on a solo world tour. So, full of shit. Little while later though, he had a couple of years off. He probably squeezed a couple of plates of beans on toast in between there. Yeah, good for him. Maybe, good for him. Good lad.

Nice lad, always has been. So, it is episode 269, sexy sexy. It's got a... Oh, that's too much. All of that. I think it's because we're doing this in the morning. Like, obviously people might be listening to this, like, you know, once they've brushed their teeth and that, but we're just like full on.

Although I have brushed my teeth, have you? I've also brushed mine. Have you? Yeah, look at us. I don't believe you. I promise. Have you actually? I mean, I've since had a banana and a coffee, so-

Oh God. Probably might as well have not bothered. Might as well have just gargled with some dog shit. I do believe, back to the 69s for one moment. No, I don't wanna talk about it. It's like my least favourite four play position. I do believe it's a thing you do when you're really pissed. I think it's a pissed thing.

I think it's a young thing. A young thing and a pissed thing. I think it's a young and pissed. I think it's a, it's literally a no responsibility thing. When you were younger, right, you had no fucking responsibilities and you could just spend, literally I remember a Saturday

and if I wasn't on the road, if I work, I'd be like, I'm not getting out of my bed. Yeah. And that would just be me day. Didn't feel an ounce of guilt. I just would just sit in me pit and just go downstairs. Me mom would have made me dinner. And then I'd be on the night with me boyfriend, just doing fucking 69.

Because what? There's no. I was wondering, I didn't know where that had went. That went completely off topic then straight back in. Yeah, cause there was no bedtime. You could stay up. You could, it could be midnight. you could have watched two films right you could have not even brushed your teeth all day not had a wash now and then you could be

like fancy 69 I I've got nothing to get up for Wow so I'm sorry so now it's like 69 you're joking ain't you I've got two pairs of washing to do I'm not 69 what do you think this is mate I'm not even joking go downstairs mommy didn't come up knock on my door do you want some soup I Mate, I'm not even joking. Go downstairs, mammy, did I mean mamma come up, knock on my door, do you want some sup- I know I'm 69 and go away! Sorry love, I got up at 69 o'clock. Honestly, you grew up in a brothel. Listen, it's episode- What?

Get lost. Episode 269, thank you for being here, thank you for being part of our semi-horrible- Sorry, can I just- by young I meant like, maybe like maybe like you know 20s or whatever. Alright, okay. Come on. Okay, great. Still live at home 20, loser. Okay. Fucking right, I would have never moved out if I could.

Fair point, very fair point. Yeah. Anyway, it's episode 269. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being part of our silly, horrible and early, early filth, but mainly silly little world. I can be filthy at any time. It doesn't really matter. There it is, unless she's got responsibilities.

Without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor, Rosie, you might be feeling good, but I'll tell you what, I'm feeling good, and I'll tell you why. Yeah? 11 hours sleep! Oh yeah, yeah.

This week's sponsor is- I know about Alexis! This week's sponsor is 11 hours sleep. Wow. Ah, this week's sponsor is. I don't know about Alexis. This week's sponsor is 11 Hours Sleep. Wow. Ah, thank you. Have an early night. Hey, guess what? Oh, no, I shouldn't go to bed yet.

I definitely shouldn't. It's too early. So I started watching the telly on the sofa. I fucking fell asleep. Listen to your body, guys. Get yourself to sleep. Fell asleep at eight o'clock. Listen to your body, guys.

Listen to your body. Two things today from Chris Ramsay's life coaching lessons. Listen to your body. Oh, God. You are not the person to be given life coaching. Get me on Diary of a CEO. I'll sit down there and I'll say, listen, two things. Listen, Stephen, shut, shut, Stephen, shush. Don't interrupt. Two things. Very important. One, listen to your body.

Two, don't check the weather in other places. And I'm off. Do em. So at the minute, at the minute, everybody seems to be doing Diary of a CEO podcast, which is great. But they all do the same cliffhanging. Yeah. Which is great, because I feel like he sort of started it.

Makes you want to watch it, he's very good at it. But now they all do it, so it's like, so ask me a question. Yeah. Pretend you're interviewing me, and then we'll cut it like they do. Go on. Okay. Ask us a question. What do you want it to be about though? Just anything. Okay. About my and then we'll cut it like they do. Go on. Okay. Ask us a question.

What do you want it to be about though? Just anything. Okay. About my periods. Okay, right, oh, okay. Okay, go on, keep it on brand. Okay. Okay, Rosie. Yes? Your periods. Yeah.

What's the story? So, when I was 14, I was like, you're doing a cliffhanger! Just holding your breath! No! That was shit! Look how happy you are with yourself. It's just like, but I'm always something because I'm like, what happened when you were born? But it's normally like, so the one thing that we are all looking at every day that takes

ten years of our life every time we glance at it is it's gonna be yeah and I didn't realize until I was 30 and it took 25 years fucking Christ suck your back in but yeah 11 hours sleep only woke up a couple of times couple of pisses I had to wake up take all my clothes off put new clothes on cuz I'd sweatated through them all. Oh, are you coming down with something? Soaked them. Don't know what's going on. I mean it is since it's got a bit warmer. Ew. But fuck me. I sometimes have to move to a different part of the bed because the bit

I'm on is just soaking wet. Oh, sorry, Ray. I find sweating in bed, people who just drip with sweat, fucking disgusting. It's happened to me for years. God, it's vile. It first started happening when I lived in Manchester. Thankfully I had a big double bed on my own. I would just roll to the side of the bed. But remember, I had, this will upset you.

Oh, it's just something. It's so gross. Well, I had a blue bottom sheet. Oh, God. I know that will upset you, yeah, blue. I mean, that's sad. It was sort of almost a greeny blue, similar to the top you're wearing and this little colour and the tablecloth thing I've got here.

Table padded table thing. And it was like an outline almost a greeny blue, similar to the top you're wearing in this little color and the tablecloth thing we've got here. Table padded table thing. And it was like an outline in my body once. I was like fucking stinking. I really did not like that flat that you had in Manchester. Yeah, you didn't like it at all, did you? Had a very negle vibe. I didn't think Feng Shui was all off. I think it might have been the Feng Shui

that made us sweat, you never know. It wasn't good at all. You like slept on a land and it was just awful. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't sleep well when I was there on my own. Terrifying. No. No lock on the inner door, no like proper, like lock, lock to stop anyone.

So anyone with a key you could have got in. I remember you showed us that you had this like knuckle to star, was it a knife or something you had under the bed? I think we've talked about this before. Did we? I remember thinking, Jesus, what the fuck is this guy? But then you booked a holiday to buy and I was like,

I love you. That'll be right. I love you, I love like, I love you! That'll be right. I love you, I love you, I love you! Yeah, there she is. That was me and you off to Dubai, new responsibilities also known as the 69 Tour. I did what I'm supposed to do! That was the summer of 69!

69! Everyday! Everyone's jet lagging 69! Woah woah! Oh, horrible. Good times. We had a fight about the jingle jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle jingle.

So this is the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle.

We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back Chris, please off mic tell them all why they shouldn't be Procure in 69s anymore. Not an over regular putting with 69s, but what we do is we stop,

and then you're here in the jingle, but in real life what's actually happening is I'm exporting the file, and then we just have a little chat, and Rosie just under her breath just went, oh God, I bloody hate 69s, and I said, me too, and then I just said,

hey, do you wanna live in me undercarriage for 10 minutes? Just the absolute worst. Change your postcode to my undercarriage. 10 minutes. Just the absolute worst. Change your postcode to my undercarriage. Now here's a question, did you all enjoy the what are called Borealis or the Northern Lights? Fuckin' hell. Were in England. You tried, you had so much confidence there.

And you went in with that, the Aurora Borealis. The Aurora Borealis, all I can say is I was out on Friday night, that's Friday, got really mint drunk, that's Friday, got really mint drunk, like good drunk, I haven't been like that for a while. I'll tell you right now, you came in and I came through to see you when you got in, because I never properly sleep when you're not in, because I need my whole family in my house to be settled.

Yeah, I'm similar. You came in and I went through to see you and you were giddy and you were lovely and you were lovely, positive drunk and you were like I love you so much I love you That was me wasn't it? Someone spiked me drink You were like you're me person Oh don't You're me person

Stop it can you keep it off here please Oh that was lovely I mean me mate I thought was like she's just cheating on us Wow I'm joking though wasn't you What you've got to remember what you find actually you actually, and I think this goes for most people, sometimes when you go out and you do see other people and you're in a lovely relationship,

it makes you actually, what's the word? Appreciate your relationship. More when you come back and you go, everyone's awful, but you're half decent, so I'll keep you. I'll take it. I wrote in my phone, I don't know what time this was, I'm guessing I must have been asleep

and gone on Instagram and seen there was loads of Northern Lights. And I've wrote two, I'm just gonna say it and then I'll tell you how I spell it. I've wrote two pidred to look at the Orelos ordeals botralis. Right, there it is. So I think I've meant to write.

I've watched Lord of the Rings, I think that's Elvish. I think you've just done a spell in Elvish. So I think I was meant to write two I've watched Lord of the Rings, I think that's Elvish. I think you've just done a spell in Elvish. I've done. So I think I was meant to write, too pissed to look at the Aurora Borealis. Cause we, the next day. I can't see it sober, which is interesting. I can't, the next day I was speaking with my friends

and I was like, we were out. Why didn't any of us look at the sky? Just totally missed it. Well, dogs can't look up, so. Excuse me? That's a joke from Shaun of the Dead. It's an awful over-thing to say about me and my best friends. Yeah, just fit. Can dogs genuinely not look up, so. Excuse me? It's a joke from Shaun of the Dead. It's an awful, over-thinks here, what me and my best friend. Yeah, just fit.

Can dogs genuinely not look up? Yes, of course they can. It's a really funny joke. It's just a reoccurring joke on Shaun of the Dead, but it just worked perfectly in that moment. I was the same, so I was asleep, but I kept, I woke up again, you were out, so I wake up now and then, checking the kids,

check if you're in or whatever and Had the perfect time party half 11 was a perfect time. I could have just walked outside But I didn't I was outside I was in bed by 10 o'clock so I was in bed before it got dark So yeah rubbish rubbish, but well done if everyone saw it. I saw all your photos So thank you for documenting for us and so there we go So I'm having a bit of a saga at the minute. Oh saga. Yeah so I've done that thing. First of all I'm a lati art guy now. Yeah I know you are. I don't know if you've posted it on my Instagram. Keep showing us them all. Well annoyingly sort of a pre beef actually with you this week. I did a

really good one that I took a photo of and then I did an even better one for my second coffee of the day and I brought it up to the office now just with the studio where we record the podcast and I showed you it and you said well done in exactly the same tone you say it to Rafe when he eats all his peas. Yeah like I don't know what you expect us to say. Yeah like a genuine bit of it. You couldn't do one so I don't know why you're starting. I don't have milk in my coffee. Yes you went well done. Took it all away because I was just like, yeah, well done.

Like, Raph blew his own nose or something. But what I've, so I, we've just talked about this before. We can't drink coffee after one o'clock or I'm up all night. Well, I haven't tried it for a while, but I don't want to test the theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm like, no, I'll be okay.

But we've got one of them coffee machines where it does all the beans and that. It's like, it's been a cup, the cola. So it grinds it all. I will not, no, I'll be okay. But we've got one of them coffee machines where it does all the beans and that. It's like, bean a cup, they call it. So it grinds it all. I will not have a bad word said against it. That's amazing, I've had it for nearly 10 years. I've had it for nearly 10 years. And it's absolutely been worth every single penny.

Yeah, yeah. I love it. Yeah, it was a pricey bit of kit. And I remember thinking, freaking hell. But in reality, yes, it was a bit pricey, but at the same time, we've had it for years. And we never, I take, I literally have got a keep cup which are very good and if I'm leaving the house I'll put one in there. I'll not buy a coffee when I'm out. Tell you what, bit of maths, bit of maths, let's see how much this has paid for itself. Okay,

you ready? How much is a coffee in an average coffee shop Rosie? So probably about, I don't know, like two, three pounds. I don't know actually. Let's low ball it, let's go two pound fifty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Let's go two it let's go £2.50. Yeah yeah yeah definitely. Okay you have two a day, I have two a day. I do. Okay here we go this is exciting. I can't take the numbers but I'll count down in it. Right so you're two a day, I'm two a day. That is four a day. That's four a day. Four times 365 equals 1460. Right? Okay. Times 10. That's 10 years worth of coffee. Yeah. That's 14600 coffees a year. Fuck me. Right? A year? Yeah. Now, we'll times that by 2 pound 50. That's 36,000 pounds. 36. Have I done that right? No. 36. Yeah. 3000. No. No. It's not 36,000 pounds. 36. Have I done that right? No, 3000.

No, no. It's not 36,000 pounds. Let's start again. I'm sorry. I might have got mixed up there. Okay, listen, play along at home. Listen, so when we work out the coffees first, how many coffees?

So it's four coffees a day. I've done this right. Yeah, four times, no, shh. Four times 365. Four times 365. Four times 365. Yes, is what? 1,460. That's how many coffees a day, right?

Not, we have one. Sorry, a year. A year. Why do you think I'm talking so fast? And that's for two. That's a year. That's for, no. Fucking hell.

Yes, that's for two of us a year. Yeah. Four times 365. Because you said four. 1,460, right? Right, yeah. So that's a year. That's how many we have a year. So times that by 10, that's four.

Why by 10? Because we've had the machine for 10 years, you dick bag. No, I'll do the 10 later. No, we'll do that now to get how many coffees it is over the 10 years. Guys, I'm so sorry. Can we just say that it's been one, no.

We've only had it seven years, right? It's right, times four. 1,460 coffees per year. Times it by seven. That's 10,220 coffees in that seven year. Now times that by two pound 50. That would have been 25,550 pound. Really?

Yes, but that machine was what? Like a thousand pound or something? So minus 1,500. I can't, i think you've done it we've saved rosie we have saved 24 000 just by buying that machine i haven't done it wrong don't make us do it again because god damn it i'll do it again okay okay we've saved 24 000 by having that machine so there we go i'm sure it's not 2 400 it can't be well i don't know anyway yeah so great sorry about that i can't remember my point yes so i don't so basically Anyway, yeah, so great. Sorry about that. I can't remember my point.

Yes. So, basically, it's a bean a cup one. So, essentially, in the afternoon, I want to have a decaf coffee, right? But I can't... Which, can I just say, I don't mean to be...I don't mean to shit on your chips, right? But... I think your brain is too brainy to have a decaf coffee, and I think you'll have a decaf coffee and you'll be up all night. You think it'll have a placebo effect? Yes. Really? Yeah, you are Mr. Placebo. Hello Mr. Placebo, pleased to meet you. Maybe, well you know decaf, annoyingly I found out decaf still has caffeine in it, you know that don't you? Sorry what? Yeah. How much?

Ooh, how the tables have turned. This is you with your toxins. This is gonna be tell you, yeah. I mean, listen, I don't drink decaf coffee, but I did when I was pregnant. How much coffee's it got in it? How much coffee? How much caffeine?

It's still got a little bit of caffeine in. Not like probably- That's like non-alcoholic wine. Still a bit of alcohol in. Yeah, there's still a bit of caffeine in, but yeah. So basically, I've bought... Fucking, I went and bought these pod things online and they're wrong. And then I'm out down a rabbit hole of now.

Do what? Because I've bought them. They weren't that expensive. It's just a little box of pod things, but I thought they could fit in the little thing with a handle and they don't. So now for a new handle, that'll fit them in and now a handle that'll fit on a machine. Rosie, I was like, I've been sitting here for 25 minutes on the computer. Oh, please stop. Please stop. But I need, what am I supposed to do? I've got a pod machine in the garage

that we took and bought a pod machine. I'm not going to the garage for a coffee, like I've been sitting out. No, but set that up. In the garage? No, in the house, you nutter! Oh, okay. Set that up and buy some decaf pods. But what about the pods I've bought for this one?

Oh, I don't eat them, I don't give a shit. I might eat them. I might eat them. Come on, Vinted. I'll make a coffee cake. Make a little coffee cake with them. Do you't give a shit. I might eat them. I might eat them. Come on, Vintard. Maybe a coffee cake? A little coffee cake with them? Do you know what? Here's something right. Yeah? Coffee cake, in my opinion.

Get in the bin. Yes, but that was when I was a kid, before I ate coffee. Drank coffee. Before I drank coffee. Maybe we might really like, and I like walnuts now. Never liked them as a kid. Maybe we might like coffee cake. There's nothing, I think I've mentioned it before, nothing more upsetting than going to a cafe

and you know the ones where they've got the glass front counter and you look at a cake and you go look at that and you go, that looks like a toffee or a caramel cake and it's a coffee. Coffee. Coffee and dark chocolate nut cake. Oh fucking hell, I might as well have a fucking handful of raisins, get it out my face. I bet we would like it now though. You reckon? Yeah. Maybe.

I love carrot cake, mate. Oh my god. No, no. Why? I'll have the frosting off the top. I'll have the cream cheese frosting. You don't like the filling of a carrot cake? Carrot?

In your cake? Yeah, with the... What the hell is this? Sultanas and raisins and it's bonus. Oh yeah, keep making it bad. Yeah, put a bit... Oh yeah, put a bit of cat piss in there. Absolutely, yeah.

Cut my hair balls. Yeah, you're hoovering it. Sultanas and carrot i want a fucking dessert man jesus i love carrot cake i'll not have a bad word said against it i love lemon but i love lemon i like lemon and like i like fruit and i do get them out of my cakes get them out of my cakes you cheeky bastards another bit of a saga going on in my life as well by the way. So Robin's currently, well we're all currently watching Teen Titans Go on Cartoon Network. For some reason on Cartoon Network it seems to be every day at the moment is Teen Titans Go.

Well we're struggling still to find things that they both watch. Yeah Teen Titans is one of them. Yeah Teen Titans but I mean there's going to be a point where Reeve weirdly it goes over his head at the minute but there's going to be a point when he's actually too young to watch it I don't you and you kind of go this is really inappropriate for him. It's just a lot of bums in that in it Yeah, they talk about the bum a lot. That's why I like it. Yeah, um, so I love it But they're doing a competition now in a minute. Yeah Where it's like right watch the watch Teen Titans go all day on Cartoon Network and in the in the bottom corner of the screen

When you see one of the Titans dancing a little logo comes up one of the Titans dancing Google Cartoon Network win and go on and put your email in and see which one was dancing and you're entered into a prize Robin can't get his head around the fact that just entering doesn't mean you've won fuck me because every day he's asking us have I had the email yet have I won because he thinks they make you think that if you do it quick enough you'll win it's not. So this is the tragic thing about our kids these days they're not in a we understood it more because it was so much part of our life. Yeah. The whole competition element because that's

all you had but nowadays they've got so much more and it but they still do competitions but they don't actually understand the con yeah I know what you mean and it was it but yeah but I feel like sometimes when it was like Connie Hook or something explaining it on blue Peter yeah they would explain it quite well but it's just a voiceover with colors at the minute and he goes it's they make it sound like oh yeah enter and you've won but they were going no it'll get picked it used to be like you'll get picked from thousands of entries good luck now it's like I'll click this and you've won but they were going you know it'll get picked it used to be like you'll get picked from thousands of entries good luck now it's like i'll click this and you've won but

robin's quite hard it's quite difficult to explain things to him twice in my life i thought i'd absolutely nailed oh really which ones two so one was um i went to new york with me mate and i had you won a competition to go i won the competition to go there was a stand-up competition yeah yeah but while i was there i took thank you surprising thank you wow and while i was there i took a photo from you. Surprising. Thank you, wow. And while I was there, I took a photo from the top of the Rockefeller Center in panoramic mode and I'd stitched it together and it looked amazing. Remember I used to have it printed out in my bedroom.

Awful, but yeah. Dick. Great. I entered into a photography competition. Of course you did. And I was like, blatantly won that. Sitting wait for the email, blatantly won that. Someone with a guy who won, I think it was like loads of seagulls on the beach and all like,

it looked amazing, it looked like a fucking pain. So you on the beach. It looked amazing, looked like a fucking pain. So you didn't win. Yeah, but I was like, the confidence of like enter that, smashed it. Yeah. And then when I applied to be Harry Potter, when it was on Blue Peter, it was like, do you want to be Harry, they're making films of Harry Potter, do you want to be? And I sent me a thing and I was like, I'm going to be Harry Potter, this is amazing. I think it sunk in the first time I watched the first Harry Potter. I thought, oh, no. I thought, that's not me.

I wanted audition to be in one of the Catherine Cooksons. And I remember, right, I probably put loads of effort into it. I wrote out my little CV and that. I know, absolutely zero acting experience. And then I took a picture. My mom took like a picture of us. We got it printed. It was a lot of effort. We had to go to the shop and get it printed out and then put it into this envelope and then send it off and I didn't hear anything. I remember being absolutely devastated. Yeah. Yeah. You just get, you get this little glimmer, don't you? So I suppose I should really give them and stop giving

them a hard time about it. I mean, I haven't said anything to Robin about it, but you do, you go, well, I've entered that and I've put myself out here. No one else will be bothered. Everyone else should be sitting watching that. Oh, and you didn't get it. What was it to be? It was to be a kid in one of the Catherine Cooksons. I was only about... You were a kid? I was only about here, I was about Robin's age, yeah.

And you were a kid? I was a kid. You had it? Little Geordie Kid? A little Geordie Kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, never in the world. Never in the world.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! This next part of the podcast is sponsored by Comedy on Audible. Never in the world. Never in the world. This next part of the podcast is sponsored by Comedy on Audible. Yes. Now, do you know, Rosie, what I've learned to use comedy for? A defence mechanism. Yeah, absolutely. Like hiding from all of your life's shame. Yeah, 100%.

You've made an actual career of it. 100%, yeah. It's exactly what I've been doing. Loving it. But no, getting through... You're kind of half right, getting through the everyday fails that seem to blight me weak. Yeah you have a lot of them. Yeah and the amount of times I've done something embarrassing or said something stupid or you know sometimes even thought something I shouldn't have thought and just been mortified by my own actions. Yeah. Just good you know I have really made a career of telling people them stories and laughing through it, but even in the everyday, just doing something silly

rather than dwelling on it, stick on a comedy podcast and indulge in some pure comedy escapism. You probably get through a lot of comedy podcasts then don't you? Well, you know, I do have to re-listen to a couple of them just as I've run out of new content because I've done that many horrendous things. But no, it's good that you can laugh through it though. It is, it's a great way to live. Laughing through it's amazing. Do you wanna hear my latest feel? Always.

I haven't actually told you this. So, I was in a restaurant the other day with my friend, me and my friend went out to a steak place the other day. Oh nice, yes. We'd been milling around the shops and I had a hoodie on, it was quite a thick hoodie. Casual, just a casual day.

And what I did was, I was a little bit giddy because I was going out for a little meal with a mate during the day. So I took my hoodie off and I did that thing. You know, sometimes we take Robin's school uniform off and it gets sort of caught on his nose and the back of his head. And did your top underneath come up?

My top underneath didn't come up. I was fine with that. So I kept my t-shirt down and I think it was because I was keeping my t-shirt down, I pulled the hoodie up and it got stuck on my nose. Oh no. Because the hood folded inside and made the sort of gap smaller, and it got caught on me nose.

And for a laugh, I went to me mate, I was going, oh, I'm stuck, I'm stuck. And I sort of egged it out a bit more. And I was like, I'm stuck. And I sort of walked towards him and I pushed into him as if I couldn't see where I was going. I was like, I'm stuck, I'm stuck. And I sort of walked towards him and I put like, I pushed into him as if I couldn't see where I was going. I was like, I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

Right. And I finally got it off and it was, it wasn't him. It was a waiter who was trying to get past. Oh, you are joking. Oh, stop it. Stop. We sat at the end of the bar. What, you haven't told me this.

That is horrendous. We sat at the end of the bar. So it was a waiter, a waiter who was trying to get past. Oh no, Chris. So yeah, so I'd bottleneck him in. He was trying to get past and he wasn't saying anything. I was like, I'm stuck, I'm stuck. I was like, why's me mate not laughing? I think this would be funny. Yeah, so basically just yeah. Wow. Just sort of with it blindfolded myself and sort of pushed myself upon a weird as he was trying to get past us. He saw the funny side afterwards. I was like, I thought you were him. He was like, yep.

You won't have seen the funny side. You'll have been being well managed, Chris. There's a difference. Yeah. For professionalism. Yeah. You'll have thought that was the most ridiculous thing you've seen all week. You're a grown man, pathetic. It's also happened to me recently. Good. I had the bloke round at my mom's house who was measuring for the doors to give a court. I've told you this, haven't I? When he left, he went to shake me hand

and said, I'll get back to you. I give him a full on hug. Horrible that. Like why? Why is that a hug? A random man. Die inside. Die inside.

It was awful Chris. It was absolutely horrendous. But I just had to laugh. I'd be like, oh well best friends now. Sorry. He's never come back either. He hasn't come back. He hasn't actually gone back to us with a good. I genuinely think he probably went to his van and quickly added a zero on the end of that and thought no I'm gonna have your life here. So as you can imagine I have listened to a fair few comedy podcasts since that occasion. Just to get yourself through that one. Just to make us feel a little bit better. Right so which audible comedy podcasts have you got on your list for the next time something silly happens? I'll tell you right now French and Saunders definitely fantastic. Titting about five. A little bit of educating Daisy with Daisy May Cooper.

Always cheers us up. Brilliant. She's very much like that. She gets herself into some right situations. She's on series two of her podcast. Brilliant. You've got some serious similarities going on in your life. I know massively.

I've always enjoyed a little bit of Mo Gilligan. He's on there, spotlight. Yes, Mo's got a new podcast on there. And also, you remember the TV series Green Wing? I do, yeah. It's come back as an audible comedy podcast Greenwing resuscitated. Oh that'll be really interesting actually. Yeah. I wonder how they're gonna do that. Apparently it's fantastic, looking forward to hearing it. Okay so you've heard our tales of war where we've had a laugh

through it but I don't want us to be standing out here on our own, we want to hear yours. Oh that's right, we want you guys to tell us your laugh through it stories. Those moments, right, where it all goes comically wrong and all you can do is laugh through the moment. We've all had it. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know there's been many, many, many of these moments. You know the drill by now.

Email them in, shaggedmyranoidatgmail.com, and we'll feature the best ones right here. And remember, if you find yourself in an awkward or embarrassing spot, then laughter is often, in my opinion, always the best cure, in which case Audible have got you covered. Whether it's French and Sonn as Titten about or Lolly Adafobe as Fan Mail, Audible have got something. I like her.

She's fantastic. Audible have got some amazing original comedy podcasts to put a smile on your face. Listen to comedy now on Audible. Subscription required. See audible.co.uk for terms. Hello became the strangers The stranger is chapter one only in theaters Friday Getting you started this fall at Keano College in Fort McMurray, we offer small class sizes, competitive tuition fees, and a flexible learning environment to make it easy for you to live,

work, and study locally. By providing high quality education, skills, and training necessary for your future, Keano College is focused on getting you started. Learn more at kiano.ca slash ykiano. That's kiano.ca slash whykiano. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's beef, what's beef, what's beef? Beef, beef, beef. Beef, beef, beef.

Beef, beef, beef. Beef, beef, beef. That's new. Haven't even warmed up. Yeah? Beef, beef, beef. Beef, beef, beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef Well, okay. So, we, again, this is one of the things where I came home or I was on the phone with you while I was at the place, the said place, and I told you and I said something's happened to me beef, but I can't tell you, I'll save it for the podcast. Oh, what place were you? I was at a TV show that you did on the Monday than I did on the Thursday. It's just a TV show we both did separately. But...

Because we're splitting up. Because we're splitting up. Because we're splitting up. I'm only joking. But... After this I might not be joking. When I got there... What? So you did it on the Monday.

I got texts off people from it saying it was great and seeing you were brilliant and blah, blah, blah. Then the first thing, the first thing that the wardrobe so when you do one of these TV shows you get there you meet your runner or whatever outside they take your dressing room and the producer will come in and say hello and then normally quite quickly the wardrobe people will come in and say right come I have your wardrobe you got to take three options of clothes so that they're not clashing with the set, they take it to steam it and then the camera test it. Boring but that's the crack.

Lovely wardrobe lady walked in, first thing, she barely said hello and she looked at us and she went, oh, you're nowhere near as pasty as your wife said you were. Oh, that's, how rude. First fucking thing. So you were on there banging on about how I'm pasty and I need a tan. Right, okay.

Well, this is ridiculous. I told a story about you being pasty. It might not make the edit. I didn't actually mean it. So there you go. You told a story about me being pasty and about me loving burgundy clothes. That is true.

You do love burgundy and I hate burgundy. And when again, second part of this, when I didn't hand out anything burgundy, she went oh no burgundy. I went oh she's fucking been on a full rant has she? She's had my life this last. Tell you what though, any producers of that show listening, your wardrobe people are very invested because Sheila sat and watched the entire edit there. Some of them switch off. She watched the entire edit. Good for her.

So yeah, just a bit upsetting. So yeah, what's your beef? Oh, okay. I'll just take this back to about eight years, seven, eight years ago, maybe seven years ago, when you told- Two seconds, wait, I'll just work on how many cups of coffee I've had. No. When you told entire audiences,

people up and down the country, that I shit myself in Nando's. Yes, and let's be honest here, card's on the table, I apologise, it was Prezzo. It was Prezzo. Nando's just worked better. I know. Was it, it was Prezzo.

It was a Prezzo on the way to Manchester. Yeah, I did actually shit myself. And you shot and it landed on your flip flop. No, it landed on the floor and I stood on it. It landed on the floor and you stood on it. And apologies, cards on the table everyone. My whole life's been a lie. It wasn't a Nando's, it was a Prezzo.

It was. And I didn't fully shit myself. I was pregnant, heavily pregnant and I was really constipated so I squatted on the floor and shit came out. There it is. Sorry, did you start this to back yourself up in some way? I stood in it and I had to wash my flip flops in the sink and then the shit wouldn't come out so I just chucked them away. There it is. And left them on the sink. Which to be fair is probably more regular behaviour for Nandos than a preso, but here we are. Yeah, fair enough. Right, I haven't told that story in a long time.

Actually, I forgot about that. Great one. You know, I never waved in the podcast and you're like, oh, these people shit themselves. I'm like, oh, that's weird. My Beef With You. You just brought that up as if to back yourself up in some way. Made myself sound even worse. Paid the bills, didn't it?

Paid the bills. It did. Might be with you. You, for some reason, right, whenever our children finish food and the other one hasn't had any of that food, you will try to get the other one to eat the other child's leftovers,

which you would never ever do in a million years. So I don't know why you're trying to get with children to eat their siblings' leftover food. Because it's a dog-eat-dog world, right? No. So just as, so, Raph had a croissant yesterday, ate half the croissant.

Robin hadn't had a croissant. Chris was like, do you want this? And Robin was like, I don't actually, because he's three and he just snots everywhere. And he's got monkey hands. And I really don't want to eat his leftover croissant. You were like, you thought I'd left the room, you were literally like, Robin, eat this, nothing wrong with it, eat this. In my defence, Robin asked for one. Robin went, can I have one?

Get him his own. But there was a half one there, absolutely fine, nothing wrong with it, hadn't been touched. It ate half of it! Yeah but I cut it in half, I'd cut it in half previously so one half had not been touched. Right. We picked up one half and ate it. Okay, right. Oh.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Untouched. Okay but I've heard you do it a lot of times. Great. Is this somebody with siblings? Yeah. Actually, I'm the wrong person to ask.

Because you would eat everyone's leftovers. I ate everyone person to ask. Because you would eat everyone's leftovers. I eat everyone's leftovers. Of course you would eat everyone's leftovers. I used to eat everyone's carrots when my mom left the room. You put them in a fucking cake, did you? No, I did not. I put them in my mouth, you cheeky little twat. So yeah, turns out anyway, in the end, I had to make Robin a brand new croissant, which

was very annoying. And the half one, I had it. Now, what's wrong with it? Oh, well, there you go. So, it didn't get wasted. I didn't get it in the bin. I'm eating that. He's probably snorted all over it. It's disgusting.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. It's time for Questions from the Public. Oh, I didn't like that one. Oh, did you not like that one? That really, really upset me. Oh, but listen, Questions from the Public. I have got something so exciting to tell you all. You're not going gonna believe this.

It's finally happened. Finally, finally happened. I've been offered a BBL. A BBL. Brazilian butt lift. Collaboration. Travel the world-class clinics in Turkey. Right. Yeah.

Good morning. We have a great collaboration offer for you, including international travel. As unique influencer, marketing agency for the tourism sector. We work with hotels and tourism boards internationally and have already invited several hundred influencers and celebrities to these trips. Several hundred influencers? Apparently so. So what? I can get whatever I want. I can get rhinoplasty, breast surgeries,

BBL, tummy tuck, liposuction, weight loss treatments. Boo yeah. What an incredible thing to just offer people for free. breast surgeries, BBL, tummy tuck, liposuction, weight loss treatments. Boo yeah. What an incredible thing to just offer people for free. Isn't it absolutely ridiculous? Wow. What can I get? You can get whatever you want. It's came to the Shagmire De Noid. So I can get stuff? So we can get whatever we want. We'll go together.

Okay. Get some turkey teeth. What we're getting? Turkey teeth? Excellent. What do you want? Love some of them, yeah. How mad is this? What the? What goes on, man? You're not going then? I'm not going, on, man? Oh, you're not going then? I'm not going, no, sorry.

You're joking, aren't you? I know. What? Do you want us to go? You're joking, aren't you? It's really hard, isn't it? Because it is very much an each to your own situation, but I just find how accessible plastic surgery is nowadays terrifying and I just... Maybe we need to tackle the root cause of it and not have people made to feel bad about the way nowadays terrifying and I just, I just think, just don't need it. Maybe we need to tackle the root cause of it and not have people feel bad about the way they look.

Definitely. Guys. Definitely. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you look lovely because you only live once and nobody's gonna give a shit the day you die about whether you had nice tits or not. Yeah. Or if you had a flat stomach.

Do you know what I mean? Totally unrelated. Can you forward that email to me do you know what I mean? Totally unrelated. Can you forward that email to me because my arse is feeling flat as fuck. Yeah, mine is actually. But you know what makes your arse better? Squats. But you'll shit yourself.

No, stop it. Squats and bloody lunges and walking and you know, that's what makes your arse better and it'll help your heart as well. So there you go. Ooh. Listen, hi Chris and Rosie, hope you're both well. We are, thank you. You know, that's what made yours better and it'll help your heart as well. So there you go. Listen, hi Chris and Rosie, hope you're both well. We are.

Thank you. You know what? You've caught on a frigging good day. Good grief. Most days we absolutely are not. You having a drink? Do you wanna tell us that you're having a drink? Hydrate.

You're done? Go on then. Yeah, but no, but. There's no need for a drink right now. I have now got. What? Just hurry up then. There's no need for a drink right now. I have now got. What? Right, just, oh well hurry up then.

There's no need for a drink right now. Hurry up. This is, sorry, no, no. This is along the lines of, I should have wrote this down for me beef. Last night I had an oven, an oven curry, didn't I? I had a curry from the oven. You went, how many naan breads do you want?

They weren't that big. I went, just stick them both in. Oh, quite big like. Oh, I'll just stick them both in. And sometimes Robin has some or whatever. I was sitting eating it. And you came over and you ripped off numerous bits of me naan bread and kept dipping.

And you went, I'm gonna have another bit because two's a bit excessive, isn't it? Massively excessive. Just decided, so within 24 hours of each other, you have just decided that I was not hungry enough, and now you've just decided I'm not thirsty. Yeah, but guess what? New glass, normal glass, no noise.

Listen to how silent this is. Like it never happened. You did that deliberately. I did. I was listening to the last week's podcast and heard Rosie talking about childhood games and beat the letter. Which my kid had never heard of beat the letter. I wonder if it was just a rogue year, must have been just my year. Yeah, again I remember hearing about it but thinking that's awful. And you never played it either? I genuinely shied away from games where people physically assaulted me. Well, I've got to be honest, I don't think it was really beaten up. It was just sort of like, tell us a letter.

You know what I mean? Just sort of a bit, bit rough. Okay, rough up the letter? Shout out the letter? Something like that. Stupid. It reminded me of a similar conversation I'd had in work about games we'd play in school. One of my Scottish colleagues, it's always someone from Scotland. Scotland, I find, has the maddest childhood games. And this is just from years of work and in like holiday where people tell you

about when they were a kid and on the radio and stuff. It's always Scotland, which is just, you go, sorry, what? Right? So, I mean, I flippin' love Scotland, right, okay. One of my Scottish colleagues mentioned a game he used to play in the school playground which was apparently very popular in Scotland although I'm still not convinced that it

was nationwide. Okay. The game was called Prove a Pub. Apparently, this is how they played it, right? Apparently someone would shout out, prove a pub, and whoever had been shouted at had to pull out a pub to prove that they had grown pubic hair. Prove a pub! Wow. You're gonna do Scottish accent. Prove a pub.

Prove a pub. Prove a pub. Wow. He was very shocked to hear that no one else in my workplace had ever played this in school. That's a fucking absolutely horrible. And even more shocked when we all said that we wouldn't have engaged in pulling out our pubicate

to prove that it had grown. Every part of that game is horrific. Someone shouting prove a pub. Prove a pub. But imagine the first person. Can you remember, you know, I remember when someone showed me the game Kirby and I couldn't believe it. I was like, this is amazing. Remember someone going, do you want to play Prove a Pub? Sorry, what?

Also, I just play it. I play with my other friends, my friends from the street. Prove a pub. Right, what do I do? Well, I say, prove a pub you and you just put the pub. Sorry, are you okay, mate? No, I'm not like asking someone to prove a pubes the worst. This gotta be comp because primary, I mean,

wispy little fuckers down there. Hands up, I was probably one of the last people on the pubes. Quite late. Well, I told you, I was at Holy Island, J6. Holy Island with you. When you said prove a pubes, every single listener now went to Holy Island.

Yeah, then pulling them out, awful. Showing each other their pubes, awful. See, Fred, at that age, you wanna keep them all? And then what, there's just pubes all over the floor. Just clearly just pubes. It's the worst game in the world. Oh God. Isn't pubic hair awful?

Horrible. Another reason against 69ing, there we go. Mine, although the older I'm getting, the more I do keep a bit of it, don't I? Which I quite like. Okay. Do you enjoy that? Never asked.

Certain things I don't discuss on the podcast. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you've actually ventured into me. Yeah, you've ventured into me, into me out of bounds area. To use a golf phrase and an app phrase, you're in the rough, you're in the long grass.

No, it's not. No, not really. I just meant you're in the long grass. Okay, we'll talk about it later. I'm genuinely intrigued. Lovely, great. Great. Big fan. Big fan either way. Alright, okay. I've gone red. I've gone red. Right, that's it. Prove it. Alright, prove it.

If you think you're growning, you prove it for you right now. I'll prove it. Which bit you wanted from? Yeah. Anus. Oh, plenty. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hello, Chris and Rosie. how are you both? Yeah great, stop asking I'm getting a bit pissed off at getting asked actually. I've been meaning to email this one to you for some time and a story on one of the recent

podcasts reminded me of it again. I can't remember what story it was. Anyway, here we are. Sorry, I've just reminded myself of something. I was in my local shop recently and is this weird? You know sometimes I do weird stuff and then like if you're there, you tell us it's weird and then this is one of the moments where I might tell you. So it's just there when you said... You sometimes just go off rogue without me, don't you? And then I can't and then people...

Oh, you mean me side missions? Do you know, actually, I got really icked out and embarrassed the other day. I haven't told you about this. Oh, is this something I did? No, it's just the fact that people know your personality really well. I think it was the gardener, Simon. I can't remember who it was. And somebody was like,

yeah, he gets himself a bit upset about that. And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. Like, how do people know these things? How can you not keep your weirdness under wraps? Because I talk for over an hour, or an hour, whatever, every week on here, you're gonna be able to fill the blanks in, you know what I mean?

I know, bless you though. So just there before when you said, hi Chris and Rosie, how are you? Hope you're well. And I'm like, I'm great, but stop asking, start no one always. Being asked how I am too much irritates us. Okay. So I sort of try and put that off to other people as well. So this might be a moment when I tell you and you're like, Chris, stop doing this. So we'll see. Oh my God.

So I was in our local shop. I've been asked how I am. I'm like, thank you, I'm all right. It's quick succession. You're like, fucking hell. I'll tell you the scenario now. So I was in the local shop and this guy who works there, who I say hello to every time I pop in

and he was just like putting stuff on the shelf or whatever. And the lady went, the lady was sort of a couple of meters in front of me and she was talking and she was like, EI, how are you? Are you all right? And he was like, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. And then I heard it all. So I heard how he was. So then I walked past him like a couple of minutes later after I

put my stuff in the basket or whatever. And I went, hiya mate. And he went, hiya. And I went, I'll ask if you're all right. But I just heard your answer there before. And he laughed. Is that weird or is that okay? What was his answer? I can't remember. He was all right. He wasn't terrible. He was alright. Um, it's a bit unnecessary I guess. He laughed. He just said, hi, how are you? But I knew how he was. I just heard it.

Well, you don't have to say hi. You don't have to say how are you. You can just say hello. I did. I went hello. But I know me when you're alright. And then end your conversation. I went hello. I'll ask if you're alright. But I just heard it. No, end it there. Just end it there. So it was bad. It was a bad one then. You just can't, you just fucking, you're like, can't, just can't converse with people normally.

Just say hi, hiya. Yeah, it felt weird. Well, do you know where we live though, you go, you're alright, and you don't have to respond. Just go, hiya, you alright? It's a very much of a rhetorical question. When I ask past someone, I'm like, you alright? And they're like, well, well, I'm like,

oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You see, you're alright back. Well, it's taken, bless her, Lee, my manager, Australian Lee, it's taken her five years to actually understand that that's what I do. Every time I speak to her, I go, hello, and I go, are you alright? And she'd go, yeah, yeah, I'm okay. How are you? And I'd be like, I wasn't actually really asking. Come on, it's just a question. It's just something to say. My mind is the same actually. Yeah, yeah, Chris, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. Oh, guess what? Didn't mean it.

It wasn't asking. It just rolls off. Whether you said you were good or bad, this conversation would have continued. Let's do it together as Jordan. So you're okay. Yeah. Hello, love you all right?

Yeah, hiya. You all right? I, yeah, that's it. Oh, it would just, so do it again. Hiya, you all right? Yeah, hiya. That's it. No one can see you all right as well normally,

so it's hiya, you all right? Start again. Fuck me, should I get my calculator out again? Hey, cool. Hiya, you all right? Yeah, hiya, you all right? Yeah, you all right? Yeah, you all right, yeah, good.

That's it. Painful, innit? It's horrible, fucking hate, hate us. Anyway, you alright, yeah, good. That's it. Painful, innit? It's horrible. Fucking hate us. Anyway, listen to this story. Always high pitched as well. We're very high pitched, aren't we? Everyone's very high pitched. When I get confused I go more high pitched. I've got to say, I will tell you this in a minute.

And I do love my accent, right? I really do. I love where I'm from. Love yourself, love your accent. Yeah, I love being from the North East Spring. Sorry, I love where I'm from. I love being- Love yourself, love your accent. Yeah, love being from the North East Spring. Sorry, I feel like I'm back on diary of a CEO. Right, three things. No. Don't check the weather anywhere else. Stop.

I can't remember the other one I did earlier on. Love your accent. Yes. See you later, Stephen. But I've got to say, sometimes when I am down South or when I'm on a TV programme and there's nobody else with an accent, I really hate it. Really?

Yeah, because I just feel stupid. Nice. And even my telephone voice doesn't get rid of the accent. I know what you mean. Yeah, right. A once upon a time boyfriend, a once upon a time boyfriend of mine, who at that time, A once upon a time boyfriend, who climbed a tower and kissed me and I woke up.

Woke me from my slumber. Who at the time I lived with, Okay. We were sitting down to eat our tea of spaghetti bolognese. Lovely. Which we were enjoying with a glass or two of red wine. How civilised you would think? Yeah. I'm not spag- no, not really. Spaghetti bolognese is something that I knock up for my children. Ooh, check your privilege.

Alright. Is that civilised meal? Alright Jamie Oliver. Yeah, hey listen, fuck you right? A spaghetti bolognese and a glass of red wine is a bloody, bloody civilised evening. Do you know what we call, do you want to know what we call spaghetti bolognese? Well when I was young, me brother, actually looking back, we take the mic you know, but he had glue in here and I don't think he could speak properly. Your brother? We always take the piss, remember when Kev couldn't say lemonade? Remember when Kev couldn't say this? It's like, I think he had a speech problem.

My man probably should have took him to speech and language. Anyway, I feel bad now. Spaghetti bolognese, it is. What? It's just because she was civilised. I just thought, well. Well, I imagine something disgusting is coming. That was the point in saying civilised.

Oh, right, okay. Sorry, everyone. I didn't mean to take it as self-proclaimed. I don't think she wanted you to rate Amir like you're on fucking come down with me you bitch I have been watching I've been watching you absolutely you just gave her a three in the taxi on the way home there you asshole you absolute asshole if I went on come down with me someone made a spaghetti bolognese I'd be like is this is this some sort of fucking joke they're sitting down with the really civilized spaghetti bolognese Mm-hmm knock it up in ten minutes. Sound sarcastic what you said

I bet your red wine was screw top as well you fucking person. Yeah, no wrong with screw top red wine. Okay. He suddenly I just can't work you out. He suddenly took a mouthful of wine and spat it out all over his dinner. Oh my god! Not enough red wine in this. This he explained to my astonished gaze was his way of adding wine flavour to his Bolognese sauce and he proceeded to stir it into his plate of food. Go and fuck off. Yeah.

What would you have done in this situation? I can't even remember what I did. I think I called him a weirdo and carried on eating I mean I was Joe I was joking imagine though you've you've spent six minutes genuinely laughed so much there I hit the table and pulled all of the wires out just you so I was joking I was joking when I suggested that he do not have wine in this and spat it. Fully got it.

Like I thought there's something happening, he's accidentally spat it because my initial thought was you can't put this bit of red wine all over the carpet. I mean even if it's like a horrible moment of like I need this out of my mouth, you still have a bit of control, a bit of self control. So I thought why not just pour a bit, I've got so many questions. So first of all, first of all, I'm not a culinary expert like you, probably takes me seven, eight minutes to knock about a spaghetti bolognese.

But- By the way, I'm joking. I just find it's quite an easy one. 10 minutes. But from my limited knowledge, the wine has to be added while cooking because then you cook the alcohol out of the wine. Yes.

Yeah? It would be awful just pouring cold, like room temperature red wine into a spaghetti brulé. It's disgusting. It would taste really strong. Yeah. Did I ever tell you? Like just have a mouth, put the spaghetti in your mouth and have a mouthful of wine at

the same time if that's what you tried. I mean the man's a fucking idiot. And it reminds us of, did I ever tell you when I worked at the Stadium of Light and sometimes you didn't have time to drink a cup of tea, if I weren't on the bar but there was a tea machine behind it, and sometimes I would make a cup of tea and I would just drop an ice cube in the cup of tea and it would bring it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Awful, but yeah. Yeah, so I remember us drinking it and there's still like half an ice cube floating around and I'm thinking, this is awful. Oh God. Oh God. You've never told me that before. That is so fucking great. Yeah, so I dropped an ice cube in the cup because you didn't have time to wait for it.

It was insanely busy. But yeah, that's madness. I mean, so he's turning in with the pasta as well. That's a man who's seen it on the telly and thinks he knows what he's doing and doesn't know what he's doing. Do you think? What telly would he see that in? He's flicked through a channel. Oh, he've seen that fucking Liam Perrins advert where they, you know where they go to grab the red wine to put it in and accidentally put Liam Perrins in and they go, oh my God, that's amazing.

Now everyone puts Liam Perrins in there, Bolognese. Remember that. I've never seen that, I love Liam Perrins. But that's a good advert. Yes, so that's how they used to do it. They go, I'll go to grab the red wine. Oh no, it was Liam Perrins. Why have I put this in me Bolognese?

Oh my God, it's amazing, we all do it now. Yeah. Wow. Spotted in. Yeah. Wow. Spat it in. Just spat it in. Fucking disgusting. Went broke. What would be the worst thing to possibly do that with?

What do you mean? Do you know what I mean? Like add an ingredient afterwards that you feel should be in more. Not enough salt in this, but tube of Pringles, just fucking crush them up. Just crush a load of Pringles into me bolognese there

for a bit of salt. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, hope you're both well. I've got a couple of stories for you. If you share them, I won't know for a long time as I'm only on episode 88. Ooh. And this was two days ago, so welcome to the party.

Hope you enjoy, hope you managed to, hope you're still gonna be there. Hope you're stuck with it. Yeah. Story one, near death experience. Oof. Yeah. One day, as I was eating crisps,

my little boy, around two at the time, was telling me something. So I crouched down to his level to hear what he was saying. However, before I could ask what he said, he turned around and punched his dad in the balls, which obviously made me laugh. Since I was eating, I started to choke. Instant karma for laughing in brackets.

So there I was on all fours choking, tears streaming down my face, trying to alert my partner that I was choking. My partner finally notices and starts slapping my back. Meanwhile my two year old climbs on me and starts riding me like a horse, and the dog starts licking my face,

and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Luckily I was okay, but I've never eaten my favourite prone cocktail, Spiral Crisps, ever again. Worst orgy ever. The kids have got a knack, haven't they, of just like crawling on you or climbing on you. Yesterday, I wasn't joking, you know. So, Rafe still pulls me here and it's like, I think I'm going to lose my mind. It is Guantanamo Bay shit. Like, it just constantly plays in my hair.

And he's got this thing now where, if you can imagine in the 90s, when people used to slick their hair back on grease, that's what he does with me hair. Puts his full hand, his full little, little sweaty little mitt right through the front of me hair. Obviously with like, you know, it's got remnants of fruit bars and raisins on it. Oh, there's always something on there.

Always something on there. Just threw me hair. Like just over and over again. And I'm like sitting there going, I wanna die. And I tell him, and honestly, and I know you're like, just tell him to stop. Right, you be Rafe when I say Rafe, stop. Rafe, stop playing with mommy's hair.

No, you have to be Rafe. I'll be Rafe, go on then. You're telling Rafe to say it. Because you've heard him say it. Okay. Go on. Rafe, stop playing with be Rafe. I'll be Rafe, go on then. You're telling me the same thing! Because you've heard him say it. Okay. Go on. Rafe, stop playing with Mammy's hair. No!

Yeah. And I go... It's not even a whinge anymore, it's just... I go... No! Okay. I don't know what... other than chop your hands off, I don't know what I'm meant to do.

Right. Story two. My friend whilst in the bath decided to pleasure herself in the bath. These start, these two stories start in such different ways. The first one started, need I remind you, one day while eating some crisps. Yeah. Second day, one day my friend decided to pleasure herself in the bath. No, they're not different days, they're just different stories.

These can be years apart. Yeah, yeah, but just, you know, as, you know, if you're compiling a book of short stories, don't put these two next to each other. Bit too much of a juxtaposition. Carry on. Looking around for something she could use, she picked up her roll-on.

What? Why? Inside. She was obviously wanting a bit of, like, what's it called? Penetration. Penetration pleasure. Which, uh, whatever.

Roll-on. Okay, the lid's on, so we're happy you were all right. Yeahetration pleasure. Which, uh, never. Roll on. OK, the lid's on, so we're happy you were all right. Yeah. She ended up putting the roll on right inside her vagina. Awful. To her horror, it was stuck. Of course it was. She was in a right panic trying to get it out,

thinking that she'd have to go to A&E and say, hi, I'm, I'm not going to say her name, and I'm a student nurse, and I've got a roll on stuck in my vagina. Student nurse is even worse. Imagine. They'd be like, excuse me, love, you should know better. You should know better.

That is not girthy enough or long enough to be in your private area. A roll-on, how silly. It's different shapes of roll-on as well. There's some with a big old roll at the top. It depends which one she's got. Mine's quite petite, so it would be okay, but. Yeah, but you've got no grip. If you leave loose of that, it's gone. I know. By the way, I think my vagina's quite petite so I you know would be okay, but yeah, but you've got no grip

If you leave loose of that, I know by the way, I think my vagina is getting wider I heard yeah, I went for the smear yesterday a smear which by the way you have no idea what smear is day No, I was worried. I thought you're going in for like an amputation or something I didn't know the way your face dropped you were like are you gonna be okay? I was getting it This is like me 10th one in my life great, but it was actually I'll be okay. I'll just keep my head. This is like my tenth one in my life. Adam's Dad Great. Kirsty But it was actually, not pleasurable, but it didn't hurt at all.

Whether the lasso did it was really, really experienced or I've got wider, I don't know. Adam's Dad Brilliant. Kirsty God, it just flew in. In and out. Jobs are good. Adam's Dad Two seconds. Well, I'll check if it's bigger. Right. Two seconds. Adam's Dad Hello! Adam's Dad I it's bigger. Right, two seconds. Hello! I thought my echo, there's no echo. Great! Good for you. Well done. He just put his head under the table like, probably like a little actor. Anyway, she luckily managed to get the rolling out.

Great! Praise the Lord! The same friend whilst at work talking to the boss who was complaining about thrush keeping her awake at night agreed with our boss saying, Yeah, I know. It's so itchy you can't sleep. You just want to scratch yourself with a brush our boss looked at her in horror saying I meant the bird. Sorry? A Thrush keeping her awake? Thrush keeping her awake at night and this mate who got the roll on. I've got, I've actually, bit silly isn't she, got the roll on and she was like yeah sometimes it's so bad you wanna, you know, you wanna scratch yourself with the brush

and the boss is gone. I'm not talking about myself. Yeah. Well, yeah, but what, you just say a bird. What you saying thrush for? Who are you fucking Bill Oddie? Why are you naming the bird? That's the only thing I could tell you

what a thrush looks like. Honestly, the only birds I know, crows, magpies, robins, and then that's probably about it. Adam & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Kirsty & Yes. Yeah. Heron? Yes. Stork? Mmm, never seen one in the flesh. No. No. Kestrel? Yes.

Mmm. Bald eagle? Yes. Vulture? Yes. You can polish it then, can't you? No, but I'm just mean, like, the little ones, like the thrushes and that, you don't know what they are. You don't know who they are. The babies just don't know thrushes.

Barrow? Okay. Okay. So good. Okay. Right. Turns out you know... Alright. What a good day. What a good day we're having. I'm gonna just hang on a minute. Lee, is that you? Me agent, Lee? Yeah, no, tell Celebrity

Mastermind I will go on, actually. And me specialist subject will be little birds. Yes. Right, I'll see you then. Okay. Bookers in. Little birds! Cheers. Thank you. Just imagine that fucking guy! How about I go Rosie Ramsey, podcaster and comedian and your special subject is Sorry is this right? Little birds. Little birds? Yes it's little birds. No bigger than your arms.

Arms? Four arms. What? I haven't got a special subject. No. There's nothing I know enough about. No. No? What? What could I do? Wide vaginas. 69'ing. No, I imagine. Well, I wanted to do crisps on the wheel and they said no. Yeah. So. That'd be more of a product placement thing. Do you think? Yeah, because you just can't. Well, what's Celebrity Mastermind? What do you mean? It's BBC. It would be the

same thing. So, you can't do anything that mentions loads of brands. Right. Well, what could I do then? Really boring. Oh my God, you're not doing it because I can't be asked. Oh I know, but I have been asked a couple of times. Yeah. No, I can't do them. No. No.

Look, put Little Birds down as a maybe. Yeah. I'll tell you what we'll do. For the future. I'll tell you what we'll do. Next week, I'll do me a quiz on Little Birds. Oh, will you? I feel like I've already done it. I'll write it down on the record.

Here we go. No, you feel like you've already done it. Here we go. No you feel like you've already done it. Right. Oh I love a quiz. I'm looking forward to that. Little birds. Hey little bird. What's my subject gonna be? Little birds. What was what's he called? Tweetypie? What was Tweetypie? Parakeet? I think it was a canary. Canary? Oh my god there's so many. No canary in a cage for me. It's interesting enough you used to take them down the mine. I'm not going to tell you that because I'll put it in your quiz. No come on you've done it everyone. I'll put it in your quiz. No.

I'll put it in your quiz. Everyone's going to want to know. I'll not sleep. Why do they take canaries? I'll Google it. They used to take canaries down the mine. Why? If there was like poisonous gases, the canary would die first, and then when the canary dies, they'd all run out. Oh God.

Did you not know that? No. Yeah, like a sort of, you know, before like a gas detector, or like a thing that detects poisonous gases, they'd take the canary down, and they'd keep an eye on the canary, the canary would fucking help. They'd go, shit, the the canary's dead everyone out. Did you not know that? I did not know

that, that's so sad. Yeah yeah. Oh god. Oh wow. Thank god for machines. Thank god for machines. Jesus. Imagine the canary being like eee where am I going? Oh don't I not. You little d-out. Oh don't give it a personality. Don't give it a personality. Why did you bring me here? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged and Married and Hired. Yeah what's it part of? Part of the E-cast creator network.

I was thinking about something else. I'm so sorry. Bloody you shouldn't have been. I'm a surgeon saying that. This is your job. I would never be a surgeon. Well yeah but a surgeon would never think about something else, I'm sorry. Bloody shouldn't have been! I'm a surgeon saying that! This is your job! I would never be a surgeon. Well yeah, but a surgeon would never think of something else as being point, you should be professional.

Sorry. Taxi driver, oh you missed the turn and now I was thinking of something else. Can we start again? No we can't, we're going to leave that in so that everyone knows that sometimes, eh, you're unprofessional and a nightmare to work with. Oh well. Okay, I don't get how much you know about little birds and 69s. Thank you so much for listening. As always, if you want to get in touch with us, check mineandoide at gmail.com

and we'll be back in years next week. Bye! Bye! It's so much better than a motel. I bet the people who live here are really happy. Witness how the Strangers... Hello? ...became the Strangers. You have to get out of here. What the fuck is going on? Why are you doing this to us?

Because you're here. The Strangers Chapter 1 Only in theaters Friday.