Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 270. Front street meet

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie discus their 'front street meet' and Rosie declares that what she REALLY wants, is a van! They discuss swearing in front of the kids and Chris keeps his promise and delivers on the bird quiz! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, you're listening to Shark Mound annoyed with me, Rosie and him, Chris. And I've just got a little stretch and a little yawn. I'm just doing a little stretch there. Sorry guys. You look, but you look like a little cheerleader doing a, doing a, um. A why? An L. Probably an L.

L. For loser. Yeah, all good. The Ramses is the surname, which you keep missing off. Very informal, very unprofessional. I'm Chris Ramsay. That is Rosie Ramsay. Hello. Hello.

Hello. That, I think it was me inflection on the word of that that made it sound like I was pointing at a piece of dog poo. So I do apologize because you're not being a dog poo. Thank you very much. Nice to see you. You're a piece of fox poo. How I, fox poo is so much worse than dog poo. So bad, isn't it?

So much worse. So bad. The stuff they eat. Absolutely. Is it, well- They essentially just eat rubbish, don't they? Rubbish and rodents and whatever's left over and stuff out of bins and that. And then they turn that into more rubbish via their digestive system. So it's poo of waste.

Because dogs roll in fox poo, you know. It's horrible. And they fucking stink. We'll talk about dogs in a bit. Are we? Why? Listen, listen, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm looking forward to me quiz though. Oh yeah, quiz, yeah everyone. Avid listeners will know that Rosie boldly...

Avid listeners, not last week. Boldly, well people who are up to date will know, people who are on point, will know that Rosie boldly claimed that if she went on Mastermind, her special subject would be UK birds. Um, so didn't I say, I don't know about them. No, no, you said birds are little birds, little birds are UK birds. So we've got a UK birds quiz for you coming up. So that's exciting. Um, took us five minutes to knock up.

You better not have made it like spurious. Explain that word. Do you know what? I think you've, I think you've used that word in the wrong. I think I use that word all the time. What does it mean? It's furious. Like a lot.

It's furious. So I think it's furious means like random. I think it's something's like furious. I think it's like random. I use so many words. I think you could have just used the word difficult. Right. Jamie, what does furious mean? I meant awkward. Like, I hope you haven't made it like awkward. No, but do you not mean difficult? I think you could have just used the word difficult, right? Jamie, Jamie, what does spurious mean? I meant awkward, like don't,

I hope you haven't made it like awkward. Oh, 11, 11. Everyone make a wish. It's not 11, it's not 11, 11 for everyone else. Not being what it purports to be, false or fake. So yeah, trying to trick, all right, okay. So trying to trick you, fair enough. There you go, so it did work, apology.

I, honestly, I apologize, my whole life's been a lie. And I don't know, I don't know. Does any, just a little question, right? Does anybody else do this in their marriage? Every time one of us is wrong, we will literally stand there and be like, apology. Apologize. And we won't let it go until the other one actually says sorry.

It is, it's quite like. I feel like I've got that from Real Housewives though. Really? When they're like, um, apologize. You haven't apologized and then they apologize and it's the least sincere thing and they go, apology accepted. I accept your apology. And you go, no you fucking don't. You still hate them. Well, but basically, the reason I get you to apologize is because you never apologize so I have to really get it out. You're like blood from a stone. Right? Blood from a stone. But everyone, you know, big moment here coming.

For years I've slagged you off for watching Real Housewives. I came in the other day and you were sitting watching it and there was a fight happening and I ended up on YouTube. I ended up on a YouTube rabbit hole with you with fights happening on it. Well, I'm going to stop you there. It wasn't Real Housewives. That was Married to Medicine.

The first series of Married to Medicine at Lantau. Married to Medicine has passed me by. I feel so stupid. Yeah, but then. How did I possibly get those mixed up? I don't know how. How did I walk in and see you watching a show of women dressed in finery with fake tits

shouting at each other? How did I get two of those kinds of tits? Sorry, I can't go on. Fake tits was unnecessary. That was, that was, I tell you what, there's not a real, there's not one real knocker among all of them. Hang on a minute. I don't think there is actually. There's not. Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll tell you right now. There's not one real tooth. I'm going to put my, I'm going to put my money where my mouth is. Right. If you can be asked to look it up, get all of those

Shows that you watch right every single one of them. You're married to medicine your housewives of Atlanta Of New York of Orange County, of all them round up all of those cast members in your head on a bit of paper Yeah, I will give you ten English pounds for every real knock that you find Not worth it. Up the money 25 quid I'll give you 25 English pounds. For each for singularly or pay. Singularly. That's how, that's how. I reckon, I reckon I will not be, I reckon I'll not be, I reckon I'll not be 100 quid down by the end of this. I'm going to write it down. Yeah? Just because my memory is so bad. But I will do that. I reckon I'll not be 100 quid down before this. Fake or real tits?

Yeah, I don't think there's one real knockout on that whole thing. All right, I'll be surprised if I have to part with 50 quid here. Okay. My boobs have got so saggy recently. Sorry, sorry. Visit and cast members don't count. They have to be the ones that sit on them chairs

at the end with that fella and have a fucking cab-a-rrel. So what you're talking about is friends of. So you don't want friends of. You want the real deal. Yeah, you're kind of bringing Bill Burr's wife in because she came in on a couple of episodes of that kind of crack. Yeah, okay.

Right, so there we go. That's the only one you remember that I've told you about, Bill Burr's wife. Yeah, and I don't know what a chess situation is, but what I'm saying is more chance of hers being real than not. Okay. So there. Anyway, look, what games are you playing with your spouse?

You need it. We need a name for it. Oh, not as or not as. That's why he's the comedian I'm not. Not as or not as. What is our life? Absolutely. This is the best job I've ever.

It's good, isn't it? Not as or not as. Not as or not as. Get it. And then next time we'll do it about noses. Oh no, no, just not as. Why? I don't know, because you can't be like,

never had their nose done. I feel like, I don't know. I don't know. I feel like it's a bit harsher with noses. I feel like it's a bit nastier. I don't know. I don't know why. Okay, fair enough a bit harsher with noses. I feel like it's a bit nasty. I don't know. I don't know why. Okay, fair enough. I don't know why. It just feels like it might be, but with boobs it's like, ah, fair enough.

Oh, sorry, because you haven't got a pair of tits yourself? Probably, aye. I think actually... No, actually, you know what it is. Yeah. I think it's... It's... I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's alien to me and unrealistic to me because I haven't got a pair of tits. But that, everybody, is sexism. Oh, great. There it is. Comes in all forms. Listen it is episode 270 thank you for being here thank you for listening thank you for being part of our silly little game let's be honest here.

And without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Just a thought as well. Yes. I hope people aren't skipping these thinking it's actually a real sponsor. They can't be, can they? New listeners might actually skip this and be like, this is a real sponsor. I mean, it is a real sponsor, but you know what I mean, within the realms of... I don't know, babe. I don't know what people think nowadays. They're lost. They're lost.

They're lost. Listen, because- I would skip if that were you. I'll tell you what, because this week's lucrative sponsor is, and we've all felt it, is the absolute shame of a dog humping your leg. Oh. Oh, it's just the pits. It's just the pits, you know. It's just the thing with it is, right?

You meet a dog, you meet someone's dog, or you go to someone's house, and oh, dog, oh, lovely, oh, lovely, friendly dog, and you got a little, you're connecting with the dog. I met a dog the other day, this happened on Saturday. I met the dog and I was like, oh, it's lovely dog, hey. And I go, hey, dog likes you, that dog, oh, yeah, yeah, likes more, oh, he's so lovely, do-do-do go, oh, hey, like she's a dog, oh, yeah, yeah, likes more, hey, she's a lovely dog.

Ruined it, didn't it? Dog ruined it. Why? Turned it sexual. Just started shagging your leg? We had a good thing going on. I was like, this dog and me are vibing on a level where this dog gets me, I get this dog, this is class. We've just met, but this dog, we could be, you know, we could be soul mates in another life. Yeah.

Oh, that's sad, isn't it? Turned it sexual. Turned it? You could have been. Turned to sexual. Turned to sexual. Friendship ruined. It's the closest feeling I think I'll ever get to, you know, like when a girl and a boy are friends, but then the boy starts fancying the girl

and ruins the friendship, tries to make it sexual. Yeah. I've never experienced that because normally it's obviously that way around. It's normally the guy doing it again, like in movies and TV and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my past.

Never, yeah. Yeah. But I bet you've done it to people though. Have I? No, I didn't have friends who were girls when I was younger. No. Couple at school, but we've been over this. I was just, boys stand over there, girls stand over there.

Don't look at them. Don't look at them! You'll turn to stone! Honestly, and you know what the weirdest thing is as well, when a dog's humping your leg, I always get a feeling that the other people around, the other humans around think, oh, you were asking for that.

Yeah. I feel like they, I feel like now I'm sullied. I'm like, this dog's humping my leg now. I can guarantee that they're doing, but do you know what I hear? I feel like they do, I feel like everyone's looking, going, look here. Do you know what I hear about dogs?

You've seduced that dog. Oh, you've led that dog on. You led that dog. At Chris Ramsay, broke my dog's heart. I hate it when dogs just sniff your fanny out of nowhere, just full on. And I don't think they do it deliberately. It's just awful.

And the sniff knobs. But I didn't know this. I didn't know the sniff. It's just more interesting. I've told you this before, but I'm't know the sniff. Yeah, but it's just more interesting. I've told you this before, but I'm going to tell the story again because it would have been years ago. I used to be in a band with this girl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there was a dog. Not in the band, it was a dog. No, we were in the van. Oh, right. Okay, sorry. No, this girl was in the band. And we were sat in the front of the van while traveling to a gig and just out in Norway she went that dog's hot as out and I was like I'm sorry what are you saying? Basically we'd passed a dog who was tied

out outside a shop with his tongue hanging out and was really thirsty. But her statement that dog's hot as out. Out, in Jordy lingo, by the way, everyone, out meaning essentially in that sentence, it means anything, that dog's hot as anything, or hot as fuck, or hot as shit. From then on, I could not stop picturing her just with a dog, singing a dog.

Just got in a relationship with a dog. Literally, our whole life was her living with a hot dog. Oh, it was really fun. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog. Just got in a relationship with a dog. Literally, her whole life was living with a hot dog. Oh, it was really fun. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog. Just so funny. Ah, yeah. Anyway, had to be there, I guess. Hot dog, that dog's hot as hell.

Honestly, I was devastated on Saturday when that dog was hunting us. It would not stop hunting us. I couldn't finish me cup of tea. Absolutely all about the Chris Ramsay, that dog. So, what did you do to stop it? You just like, you know, owner kept shouting at it and saying, stop that.

And then, but the weirdest bit was, this is never happened before. This must've been the horniest dog in the world, right? Cause it was trying to hump me leg. And then he was like, no, get away. And he like, the dog went out and it was in the corner and it was standing in the corner. And it was still like, it was looking at us

and it was still like humping, but it was like a good two meters away from us where it was just saying, this little back end was still going. It's been done. It's been, it's had all its stuff done. I am obviously just such a sexual presence. Can you not like take the dog for a shag?

I feel very sad sometimes for dogs and animals in general because we live our lives as sexual sort predators we're allowed to have sex. Predators? Not predators, what's the word? Beings? Everyone just like to retract, just like to formally retract Rosie's previous statement of, and I'm quoting this here, we live our lives as sexual predators. She made a mistake, she didn't mean to say that. This is why we don't do live telly. This is why she doesn't do live interviews anymore.

This is why I am sitting next to her. Every time we're on this morning or anything like that, this is why I'm sitting next to her. Guys, it might look like I interrupt her. It might look and sound like I interrupt her a lot. It might even look controlling. I swear to God I'm doing her own good. I'm essentially, if Rosie's a little horny dog,

I'm the muzzle. I am the muzzle on this dog. Fucking hell. No, no, we know. We know you didn't. Stop saying it. But there'll be people out there who are gonna hear. So.

That's how they get you. What was I saying? Oh, you buy your dog. You buy your dog and that dog's just spinster forever. Never ever gets a shag. You've made a really good point. And honestly, I think you should be able to take them places, just let them have sex, meet up, meet them up, because it's not fair. They're hornier than we are. And then you never ever let them shag. Are you aware they don't do it for pleasure? Sorry what? Dogs and animals, so there's only us and dolphins that have sex or

pleasure. Dogs just do it out of instinct of, I'm just only us and dolphins that have sex for pleasure. Dogs just do it out of instinct of I'm just gonna spread me seed. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, it's not for pleasure. They don't get pleasure for it. What? Yeah. Only us and dolphins have sex for pleasure. So they don't enjoy orgasms? Well I imagine they enjoy it. Well I'm, no, but it's not like, I think they enjoy it in a sense of I'm fulfilling this task. How has somebody worked that out? I'm sorry. I don't know. How is it that they are not doing that because they enjoy it? How the fuck? What did he tell you? How did? No, I'm sorry. What?

I think it's because mainly no one's ever seen them spark up a cigarette after they turn their telly on. Exactly. I'm sorry. I hate that. I hate it when people try to talk for things they can't talk. Yeah. They don't do this for that. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Did he telepathically tell you that? Dickhead, no. You've just assumed. Maybe they'll have done the heart rate or something. But I guarantee my heart rate doesn't change much anymore. Oh, God. Don't know what you Googling it? I'm Googling yet again this podcast fucking honestly I'm surprised that people who provide our Wi-Fi haven't come and kicked our door in and arrested us because I've had to just Google do dogs have sex for pleasure. Erm... Err... Dooring so.

You've made that up. You've made that up. You have made that up. If gratifying a need is defined as pleasure, the answer would be yes. But it's not an experience. Yes, it's not like, you know, like I've just said there. It's the need to feel like they're doing it as a sort of, what's the word? Natural instinct of a need to pass me seed on. I won't have it. No? No, I think they do enjoy it even just a little bit. Okay, but you made a really good point that you get a dog and that dog's a spinster forever. Yeah, it's dead sad. Yeah. They're never ever in a relationship. They're in a relationship with you. Do you want to come and live with me in the monastery?

Yeah. Yeah? Never, never know the touch of a female. Oh my gosh, I seen something today. It didn't read the full thing, obviously. Oh, great. But just said that. Great, like everyone out there reading the news ever. There was once upon a time, there was a Greek monk who died and he'd never ever seen a woman.

Right. Look, you bastard. I knew you were gonna say that. You're so fucking, what's the word? Why do you hate women? You're so, why can't I speak? What is the word? Sexist?

No. Predictable. Predictable. Yes, thank you. I get there in the end, but that's not funny, is it? Yeah, it's not funny. It's not witty. Because the key to comedy is timing.

And if you've got to go, what's the word again? Two seconds. Stop. Why are they all booing? Why are they booing? I'll get it. I'll get it. Wait. stop, please don't go. Right, come on then.

Let's crack on. Yeah, so, you know, not that dog's fault for humping me leg, but honestly, ruined the day. Sounds like it. Absolutely ruined it. Just ruined it. Why they gotta make it about sex? But you're right, it's because they live in the spinsters

forever. You know what, from that, you know what, I might just let them hump me leg next time. Finish all over my leg. My friends, um. What the hell's passing me your pants? My friend, my friend, my cousin, Nina, had a rabbit when they were younger and it was massive.

Rabbit was fucking massive. She used to carry it around the back lanes and that was huge. Thump her. I must have talked about it before. She used to carry it around the back lanes. It had a shagging, it had like a shagging pillow. It was shag this pillow.

It was awful. We used to watch him and I'd just be like, this is horrible. We used to watch him. It was awful. It's all coming around. It's shagging pillow time. Come on, get the popcorn, gather around, sit down at the front so they can see at the back.

Right, there's its pillow, go on. It was awful, I still remember. I can probably vividly see it. Can I just take a moment to enjoy the sentence? She used to carry it around the back. She honestly carried it because it was so big. It was the size. What, right, let us think of a good,

oh, well not any accidental ones, yeah. Like, you know the size of like a king-size pillow, right? Adam & Adam Yeah. So, think of a king-size pillow that... No, a pillow. Adam & Kirsty A normal pillow. Kirsty Normal pillow about the size of that. Adam Sorry, are you trying to be relatable?

Stick with king-size pillow, go on. Check your privilege. Kirsty It's not... Guys, it's only because king-size pillows made the way into my life about five years ago. I never knew because if you got a king-sized bed, right, your pillows always look weird. You go, why do my pillows look weird? Your mom told you. It was my mom who told me. And you can buy pillows that are like the size of your bed.

Yeah. It's like life-changing. Sometimes you get the pillow case wrong when it's a right fight to try and get a normal one. But yeah. But this rabbit was massive and she used to just have it under her arm. Yeah. Carrying it around like that. Not surprised. I've met you on. Not surprised in this lightness.

Is there a more North East sentence than she used to carry this rabbit around the back lanes? Kirsty The fact that we were pretty old back lanes. Adam's Dad Yeah, I think they missed a trick on Billy Elliot. I think they could have had a just...you know when he was in the back lanes dancing, I think they could have had an extra character. Just an extra. Kirsty Just my Nina. Adam's Dad Just won't pass with a massive rabbit in the back lanes. Kirsty Somewhere.

Adam's Dad Used to carry a massive rabbit around the back lanes. What a simpler time, wasn't it? I know. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marry Noid. Speaking of simpler times of carrying rabbits in back lanes. Yeah. And you were you were like, I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or upset about it. Right. But our Robin loves to ride his bike in the street, up and down the street.

Yeah. And he's really good, he's getting at an age now where if a car comes, he'll go at the side, you know, car, shower. It's quite a quiet street as well, to be fair. So the other night, the sun was shining, we were having a drink in the back garden, it was five o'clock, you know, starting early. And Robin was like, I wanna go out on my bike,

and Chris went round, and then Rafe wanted to go. So me and Rafe set up shop outside of our front, on the front street, and I had a glass of wine, you had a bottle of beer, and Rafe wanted to go so me and Rafe set up shop at the outside of our front on the front street and I had a glass of wine you had a bottle of beer and Rafe had his top off. Yeah and just all looked bit. It's like the scene from fucking Rabson and Hesbert. No but I didn't think anything of it. Shameless. It's like the scene from Shameless. I didn't think anything of it but you were a little bit mortified. It killed you a bit didn't it? You couldn't stop commenting about it where I I was like, it's our house if we wanna sit.

Outside. On the front street. So what? I honestly think it might be illegal to just drink alcohol on a main street. I think it might be illegal. Well I was half on the drive so. Oh, oh, officer. New poll. Yeah, that's what I'd say.

There it is. And that's what I'm saying. Jeremy, Jeremy. I was on and, that's the one Jeremy got before it got cancelled. Now, yes, it was part of us that was like, this is outside me comfort zone, this is something I never do.

I can't remember the last time I had drink on a front street, don't think I'll do it again. But, I wanna make it a regular thing, I really enjoyed it. Front street meat. It was when that fellow came past with his dog and his wife and he looked over and he was like,

oh, I can't remember what, he said something. He said, I think basically he said something like, I remember them days. Yeah. Of you know, having a watch. Yeah, I remember them days. Yeah. But then he added, hey but I didn't think to do it with a drink. Like, well done, that's a good idea. I reckon he got 10 yards up the road and he turned to his wife and went, absolute scum. I written, hey I didn't do it with a drink, what a great idea. Enjoy yourselves. Fucking bringing the area down. Disgusting.

Fucking peasants. Fucking glampers. I loved it, I don't give a shit. Honestly, say what you want. I bet they'll all start doing it soon. Oh, Chris. They'll all be outside, be like COVID, and everyone's sat outside their front.

We didn't do it then. we didn't do it then! We didn't do it then, we're doing it now! Exactly. Oh god. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! I had a fun day at work the other week. Yes. I did a Greggs campaign.

Yeah. For the new Fish Finger sandwiches, which is going- Fish Finger what? So this is what, I'm a little bit mortified about it, right, because we filmed a video for social media. And I say this to the kids not in real life and I call sandwiches, sammages. Sammages. But I think it's because your mom, I know your mom says sandwiches. Infuriating. Which I find worse than sandwiches. Sandwiches

is weird. I think we've mentioned before the rogue G just drops in there. I don't know where it's got that from. Do you want a sandwich? I know I have a sandwich. It really doubles down on it. It really doubles down. I know. I think I'll just have a sandwich. Stop it! It's horrible. Anyway, I say, I say, I say, I say, I do load, I do load the stupid daft baby voices with foods. With the children. With the kids, yeah.

Not on, you know, nationwide social media campaigns. Well, sort of. Fool. And then I shout out the van, by the way, toxic trade, I'd love a van to sell stuff from. Oh, I was in there 20 minutes, I thought I could do this for the rest of my life. Honestly, quit this, sack this off, I'm getting a van. I'd love a van to sell stuff from.

I wanted a van, aye, I loved it. Do you know why? I think I know why you'd want a van. Why? Obviously you'd like to just be in there sampling the stuff while eating. Well I did wear an ice cream van. Shouting out, shouting and being in the van. But then I think also people would come up and I think you would just you would put your stupid bullshit opinions on them and they've got no way

you've got like a cap of audience then they'd leave. Do you know what I mean? Like a sword box. Yeah but you'd be just like throwing like spurious in there and just saying just you know when you just say wrong stuff and I'll pull you up with it. I feel like if you worked in a van you'd have you're higher than them anyway because you've got little person syndrome so you're higher anyway. And I feel like you would just be like, ah well you know that's because of that and it and just, I just like, I don't know, I think you'd get really opinionated and then people would just leave.

But is this something wrong, is that bad? I just think it's a top to do. Well I'm getting one so what you want to do. So anyway, I shouted out of the van, does anybody want a fish finger sandwich? I was mortified. Yes, the main thing it's the main thing on the Greggs thing Anyone want a fish finger? Sammage? Do you want a fishy finger? Sammage?

I was honestly. I was saying for a strong berries. I was honestly... Because it's like, for a straw, I say a strong berries for a straw berries. Who'd you add some strong berries? What, orange suck boys? Well that's Robin's thing. Oranges, suck boys. And I was just thought, no one's gonna know, they're gonna think I'm... Sammage?

No one's picked up one of the beef here. No one's picked up one of it. Because I watched it and I was mortified and I died a bit inside, but then I thought, I think I'm the only one who is gonna spot that. Okay, that's good. So nobody commented on it. Me and your mom probably are. Right. And a fish finger sandwich.

Sarnies. But listen, let's get this done because I'm actually currently bidding for a van. Oh! I did want a coffee van, do you remember? That was a few years ago. Yeah, that log fire. That was before I was making my own money.

That log fire pizza guy around here is selling his van. Is he? Selling his pizza van, yeah. I don't want a pizza van. No? Nah, too much hassle. I want something quite easy. Ice cream van, yeah. I don't want a pizza van. No? Nah, too much hassle. I want something quite easy. Ice cream van?

Like chips. Chip, just a chip, chip van. Just a chip van. Just a chip van. There's just something, I think I've got a problem. Like I think I just love little cute things. Like I used to love Polly Pocket when I was younger. I like little compartments,

compartments. Compartments. Oh, I have to have got the bottom of it. You just want loads of compartments to keep your sandwiches in. Compatments! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! Oh, what have I got at the bottom of it? You just want loads of compartments to keep your sandwiches in! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! I wanna find loads of SAMMAGE COMPATMENTS! Ah, fucking hell. All right, okay. Swear to God. Okay.

What a nightmare. I just want a new career. What, 10 minutes ago you said this is the best job ever? Should we do the podcast from a van? We'll do the podcast from a van. We'll do the podcast from a van. There's the problem. Vancast.

Yes. Copyright, Chagmode annoyed, 2024, Vancast. Yes. Yeah. We could do a TV program of me. I buy a van and we'll go up and down the country Vancast. Copyright, Shagmodey Noid 2024, Vancast. Yes. We could do a TV program of me. I buy a van and we'll go up and down the country and I'll just sell stuff from me van. Coffee van. Because you can't get a good cup of coffee. Anyway. Right. Well, I'm Mr. Latte Art now. So I do the Latte Art for everyone. Right, well there we go. Ick, by the way. What, you keep putting them on Instagram?

How embarrassing. You've got kids, you know. Wow. Speaking of kids, you know. Wow. Speaking of kids, I made my, do you know what, I had to sit, I had to sit in a different seat this morning. You know, I've got my seat. Oh, I see in the Sonics. I've got my seat. So we've got three Sonic Cuddly toys,

two of which are won on a fucking cork shooting game at the arcade, by the way. Boom. Clean that fucker out every time I go. I'm amazing at it. So I've got, once I got four Cuddly toys in there, but I got two sonics this time. So there's two sonics and there's one, I think Santa brought one on him. He put these three sonics on the chair.

So I moved them and I sat down on my own chair to drink my coffee on the morning after I'd done all the breakfast and stuff. He caught wind of it. He saw the sonics on the floor. He started screaming. He gets me off the chair, puts the sonics back on. I go and sit at the kitchen counter. Mm hmm. I've got beef and sit at the kitchen counter. I've got beef with him at the minute, so don't even.

Absolute prick. Worst night to sleep in my life last night. Yeah. Night terrors. Did I tell you? So he's got this new cap, right? Toy Story cap. He's obsessed. He won't stop wearing it, which is actually,

it's quite good for the summer. Because you know, you couldn't keep a hat on Robin, but this is good. I mean, it's pissing down outside now. Yeah, but he took it to bed last night. He took it to bed the last three nights, right? Which is cute, but weird, right? Anyway, you can get away with it.

Last night, four o'clock in the morning, crying for his cap. I had to put his cap on. I literally. You didn't tell me that. Oh, I put his cap on at four o'clock in the morning. Fuckin' hell. He's crying for it.

Cappy calls it Cappy, is that what they call it on Mario? On Mario Odyssey, it's called Cappy, yeah. And he was crying for it and I just thought, do you know what it is? I don't give a shit. It was four o'clock in the morning, I thought I'm knackered, past caring. He's been crying for us all night, even though I'm here going, Rafe, Rafe, I'm here. So he's crying for you but you were there? Yeah, he was off his tits man. He was talking about Robin at one point. I think he was fighting, it was hot this morning, I think he's fighting something off, infection or something. So, yeah, so he asked for his cap and I hide it on him and I thought, what is this?

What is, apparently, it's absolutely mad, ain't it? Adam's a teen. Never thought for a minute that when I had kids, I'd literally be being woke up at four o'clock in the morning, screamed at and putting caps on me kids in bed. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah.

Anyway, he's out of it now. It's like, I've said it before, it's like being a waiter in a restaurant with the most demanding, rudest customers ever, but you fucking love them. I know. You're like, these customers are assholes, I'm the shit on their shoe. I know.

But now and then, they're coming cuddlers and all of a sudden. It's the best thing in the world. Do you know what I never thought I would enjoy? But I love. So Robin falls asleep in our bed, and then when I go to bed, you shift him to his bed his bed. We're just all in different beds it's fine. It's carnage.

He's proper sweat right? But I like, I love the smell of his sweat. His soggy monkey pillow. I think he's proper sniff it in. Isn't that monkey? And I know I won't, I probably won't for a while because I think once he gets to teenagers he's proper sweat. I'll be like. Oh he doesn't eat, he doesn't sweat, it's just, you know... Oh God, it's delicious. I'd drink it if I could. That's weird.

That's weird. I know. Sweat van? Sell a van? Sell a sweat van? It wouldn't do. It wouldn't go anywhere. No idea. No idea is a bad idea. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Okay, beefs. Have you got beef? I do, yeah. Oh, it's a bit easy, come on. I've always got beef. Mine's quite lighthearted, just bear that in mind. Okay.

I bet yours isn't. What have I done? I've got two, but I think you might veto one of them. Oh. Mm-hmm. Right. So. Why? Do you want me to go first or you go first?

Do the one that I might veto. Okay. So, if the next thing you hear after this, people listening, is she vetoed that, it got vetoed. Here we go. What? I haven't done anything. You called her what? Eight year old a shithead the other day.

Oh, fuck off. Oh. Oh. Don't. You can veto it if you want. Okay. No, because, do these teachers listen to this? Possibly, yes, they came to the tour. Right, so if Robin goes to school, I'll address it now.

It's better than an email or a chat. If Robin goes to school and says that I called him a shithead, I've taken full responsibility. It came from nowhere. I thought it was quite funny, but actually it wasn't. It was shocking and I shouldn't have done it because he's only eight. But yous were sat there.

We were just having a funny little time. You got carried away. I got carried away and I went and he was laughing and he was joking along and I went, you are. Get in the bed you little shithead. Get in the bed you little shithead. And he went. And I played it up. I played it he went... I played it up I played it up

hugely. So well it's because he found somebody made his thing. Oh God! He keeps finding things in my house with swear words on. So right are you gonna talk about the chocolate quillet and shit pig thing first? Somebody made a blanket for us like a little thing it's really cute and it says chocolate quillet and shit pig so Robin always goes chocolate quillet and he doesn't do shit he goes shh sh, shh pig, right? And I'm like, yeah, thanks. Can we talk about the other one that I wasn't aware that he found until he ran in the room the other day with it on? I can't believe I haven't mentioned this.

Oh God, the eye mask. Someone sent you a sleeping eye mask. Yeah. And he ran in the room with it on the other day and went, Dad! And I looked at him and it's got fuck off written on the front. It is fuck off. Oh, you can't can't, and he's such a good reader. Like, this is the thing, we need to start hiding stuff. But I'm really sorry.

I should not have called him a shithead. And I really regret that. Do you know what my mom let them do the other week? Have I told you about this? Oh, God, no. Teach us again if he says anything. God, I'm so sorry. I'm not a parent.

I'm literally good. And I promise you, even though we do this podcast and we have them like, we do not swear in front of the kids. Apart from when you're calling them shit. Apart from that, mortifying. I hope that everyone realizes that this is very much a joke. Our life is not this with the kids. The kids are very sheltered from all of this. Anyway, my mom said she had Robin and his cousin

the other day, his cousin's a year younger than him. And apparently they kept like sticking the wrong finger up and joking, they were like doing this. And my mom, I don't think I've told you this, my mom went to them, she went, right go on then. And they were like what? And she went, you can do it, you can do it for a couple of minutes to that wall. Fuck off! So literally, So literally, they both were sticking the little finger up to a wall just for like, to get out the system. To get out the system. Oh my god.

Just against the wall. Like this, go like this, me mamma, right, he's done. And they went yeah, and she went right, don't do it again. There you go. Genius. I'm having that. That's absolutely amazing. That's absolutely amazing.

But hey, but Robin hasn't told us that, has he? Get it out of your system at the wall. Yeah, he's not told us that though. So they kept doing, they're like, mama, and they kept doing the wrong thing. Yeah, like, do it properly. She went, right, go do it. There's a fine line between genius and insanity,

is the quote from back in the day. And that is it. That is. Get it out of your system, just do it. And you know, you're not gonna get wrong because it's part of life. Fantastic. I think just knowing that it's wrong, you know, but I shouldn going to get wrong because it's part of life. But fantastic. Just I think just knowing that it's wrong.

Yeah. You know, and but I shouldn't call him a shithead. It was just funny. And then, you know, as well, he didn't get he would not go to sleep that night. You remember, he just wouldn't go to sleep. He was awake for ages. He was hyper. And I think it was because because there was a moment where he's like, oh, my God. And then he wrote a poem the next day and he wrote swear words are OK to say in the poem. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't he? The poem about dreams and in a dream you can swear as much as you want it's okay. God! Are we surprised? Listen to her job. Look what podcast's called. I know. There's a cushion behind you on the chair

that says Shagmard and all. Well he's been reading that for years. What's my beef with you? Oh you've been doing this, you did it the last series and I think I mentioned it then but you haven't stopped. Every time I watch Bridgerton, if you're around, every time one of them kisses or touches someone you say, you've been Bridgerton. What? I don't think I've done that before. Every time I'm watching Eliminate and's cut off the series, which is really annoying to come back in June.

Well then a mid series break. Mid series break. There's only been like three episodes. It's an American thing. We never used to do it over here. A mid season break. It's got us fizzing for it like. And you did the last series, that's when you started it.

But it's come back and you just kind of float around when I'm watching it. And every time someone you go, well they've been Bridgerton. I also say, is he Bridgerton? Is she Bridgerton? Is that Bridgerton? And then whenever they mention Bridgerton,

I go, oh, they said it? This is a family, family of the Bridgertons. I mean, honestly, huge show, massive, amazing. Honestly, I think if I'd watched it from the beginning, I would be in it with, but I feel like it's too late now. And I feel like I've took the piss so much. I feel like I can't get into it. I don't know if you'd like it. I didn't really watched it from the beginning I would be into it but I feel like it's too late now and I feel like I've took the piss so much I feel like I can't get into it. I don't know if you'd like it, I didn't really like it at the beginning.

No? It's not gritty enough for me. No. I'm enjoying it because it's canny in the eye and I'm into it now but it's not, I need more. Right, okay. It's not, it's not gritty enough. What did you say it looked like? Sorry, first of all you need more.

I just watched, I don't want to give anything away for anyone who's followed, oh, I don't care. I just watched an episode with you where someone was getting vigorously fingered in a carriage. What do you mean it's not, how much grit are you, can you get? There's no, there's no stabbing, there's no, what, you got fingered in a van, Harry, Jesus Christ. Sorry.

I did that when I was 15. Not everything's a van, awful. Overly, not everything's a van, it was a carriage. Oh that's never happened before! Definitely not in a carriage, back lane maybe with a rabbit. Can I change my age as well for that guys? I was 18. Yeah, nice save. Shit head. I never slag off other people's art, but there's just something I thought... Whenever I walk in on Bridgerton, I wouldn't be surprised if any scene turned into some kind of advert.

It's filmed like an advert. Yeah. It's pretty, I think. Yeah. It's like film. It's filmed like an advert. Like at any moment, if I imagine someone, but like, you know, they're doing the big dances or whatever, then I imagine one of them like grab their throat and be like,

oh, I said reflux and hold up a thing. Oh my gosh. It's Shondaland. I really like it. It feels like it could. Grey's Anat go, oh my gosh. Yeah, it's Shondaland, I really like. It feels like it could. Grey's Anatomy, how it's related to murder, it's all that. It's the same person. The feel like they could break into a Gaviscon advert at any time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good telling. That's just, you know, it's just an observation. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Very popular, more popular than anything I've ever done. So back the fuck off. Except for this podcast. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Rosie. Hello. We nearly forgot about your quiz. Oh shit the quiz I thought it was

questions from the public. No no we did the thing we did the beast first here's your quiz. Yeah. Are you ready? Yeah. We're gonna pretend you're on mastermind. Right. Sit in the chair. So Rosie Ramsey a comedian and podcaster from South Shields. Yes. Are you ready? Bone and bread. Yeah. I'm ready. Are you ready for your special subject? Oh, am I pretending I'm on Celebrity Mastermind? Nah, not really.

What's the music? Dun, dun, dun, dun. I don't think that would do it. This is a quiz taken from, and I don't mean to undercut your efforts before we even started, but this is taken from a website I found called Facts Children Should Know About Birds.

Okay, well, you shouldn't have said that because if I do really bad then. Almost like I did on purpose. Right, great, come on then. Are you ready? Do you say about little birds? Little birds with feature, size of birds features. Right, okay.

Okay, are you ready for your question? Yes. Okay, question number one. Feathers are one of the most defining features of birds and you may be surprised to learn that their function is for more than just flying. Feathers not only help birds to fly but they are also used for... Fighting. Wrong. No that wasn't me fine-lensing. It's okay now there's a few. There's waterproof. I'll take that. Protect from the cold. I'll take that. Like warm.

Fight off diseases and stuff. Keep them clean. No. Flying's been done. I don't know. Tell us. Camouflage from predators. Yeah. Attract mates. They were both on the tip of my tongue. Brilliant. Half a point.

Britain's biggest bird stands at an impressive meter with a wingspan... Jesus! Amita! I love you, Amasa! Halfway through a question when he says a fact, you go, eh! And he just has to stop and go, I'll read that again, because you shouted, eh! in my face. You Geordie wench. A meter. Britain's biggest bird stands at an impressive meter with a wingspan of two meters.

The bird is called... Oh, my God. Swan? No. No. Why? Is this the way it said Swan? No. Come on. British bird? Yeah, UK, yeah. Born and bred, yeah.

Why are you getting bird races? Because why can all I can think about... Has it come over here? Has it come over here to take our birds' jobs? Or is it from here? Send it back! Oh, stop. Because all I can think about is like seagulls and that. Right, no. That's why I said swan.

White-tailed eagle found in Scotland. Jesus. Question number three. Owls... I would never said an eagle. This is easier. Right. Owls have one ear higher than the other. True or false? Oh God.

True? True, it is true. It's sort of got a wider range. Yeah, they're amazing owls. For hearing. Question four, owls have one ear lower than the other. True or false? True. I was just throwing it in the fucking up there.

Genuinely didn't think you'd get my job but you did it. How many species of bird are native to Britain? Is it just over 200, just over 600 or just over 800? Right. Well I think it's going down actually. I'm gonna choose 200, just over 200. It's going down. You think how many species are going down? over 200. That's why we're doing the bird watch. Right okay, no just over 600, you are wrong. Six, question six, black birds mate for life, true or false? Oh, I think this is true. It is true, congratulations. Question seven, what is the UK's, and this is your special subject so you should nail this, what is the UK's littlest bird? Oh! Blue tit.

No. Yellow tit. No. Tid. Don't just say colours with tit on the end. Sparrow. Nope. A fly?

A fly! So it was a wasp. No, a gold crest. I would have also accepted fire crest. Oh yeah. There we are. You did alright there. You probably got about half right. Thank you.

Well done. Thank you. Disqualified though for half way through a question. Screaming eh as loud as you could. Sorry about that. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the Public! Questions from the Bebly Bebly! Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba that. Do you want a shit story? Always. Should we do the song? Yes. Let's talk

about shit baby, let's talk about poo and wee, let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been, let's talk about shit, let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag marrion and shit head. Oh, shag marrion and shit head. Yep. I get it. Dear Chris and Rosie, listening to your latest podcast yesterday

and the story of the guy who woke up at an Italian hotel caked in shit. Yep. Reminded me of an overseas experience that experience sorry, I had when I was in my early twenties. Okay. Back in the 1990s, the Italian company I worked for sent me to the...

Moon. The Moon. Sent me, no, to the Middle East to work on a new... What is this? Petrochemical plant that was being built and I ran... God, isn't this a mad jobs? Like... Some crazy jobs out there. What is that? What's a petrochemical...

Oh, like a plant, like a... I thought plant plant, like a green plant, but it's a plant where they've mixed. A factory? A factory? Yeah. You thought a plant? I didn't know what I was thinking. They were sent out to work on a plant. Yeah. What were they doing? Trimming it? Watering it? No, but it's a factory. I wasn't looking forward to the four month trip as was very much aware that Iran was dry which meant no chance of alcohol and even less chance of coming off with one of the local lasses without being thrown in the slammer for the rest of my days. A far shout from down street in South Shields in the mid 90s. That is true because it was rotten down there. But the best days of were life. I found out that I would be living on a camp which was next to the job site. It was mid July, stinking hot and no TV or internet over there so pretty much diddly squat to do other than work. After a few days of trying to acclimatise myself

to the conditions, the Italian site manager told me that he didn't live in the camp but lived in the local town which is about 10 miles away with his wife and invited me over for a meal. Oooh! Although I didn't fancy a tea total night making polite small talk in broken English slash Italian, I couldn't really say no. Besides, there was absolutely fuck all else to do. Fair enough. Cap of audience and that. On the evening of the meal, I got dressed in my best clobber, pair of cream chinos and

a pale polo shirt. Clobber is Geordie for clothes. Yes. He, Marrow, came and picked me up in his posh Land Cruiser and drove me to their apartment in Arrak town. I met his wife, Giovanna, and made polite chit chat while she was preparing the meal and I started on my freezing cold non-alcoholic beer. What? It's still freezing cold. Non-alcoholic, lovely and cold.

You love that, don't you? Men love a cold beer. Love a cold beer. Honestly, if you can happily drink warm beer, we can't be friends. When I see people in fields drinking crates they've just bought from the shop, that have been, you know when you walk into the supermarket and they're just there in the middle of the floor, and people are like, oh, I've just got this crate, let's go and drink it. I go, no, absolutely not.

I hate room temperature white wine. I swear to God. I'll drink drink it but I do not enjoy it. No, I would rather. If you gave me, if you said let's get like, you know, let's get merry. We can drink, you know, this crate of room temperature warm, dey I say, lager or we can all spin around in a circle till we're dizzy. I'd choose spinning around in a circle. Yeah, good to know. After an hour or so, we sat down at the dinner table for what looked like a very nice meal which Jay Vanna had prepared.

After another couple of cold ones, he really likes him, I was talking into me meal when I felt a horrible shooting pain in my stomach. Oh heavens. Mm-hmm. Hold on. What? Can you quickly go back and tell me what colour his clothes were? You didn't pick up on that did you? I didn't pick up on... He definitely dressed in his pair of cream chinos and a pale polo shirt. There it is. Got a funny feeling that both of them are going to show up the colour brown quite, quite well. Right. So he's had a couple of cold ones, a couple of cold bruskies.

He's got a shooting pain in his stomach. Is it the bruskies? Is it from the bruskies? I don't think it is. I think it's just, I don't know. It became apparent that if I didn't get the toilet quick, I would shit myself at the table. There it is.

Wow. I explained to Mauro, how do you say this name? Do you know in some cultures, shitting yourself at the table is a compliment. I'm joking. God, I'm literally laughing at it. I'm like, is it? Can you imagine? Oh, if you don't shit yourself at the table, it means you didn't enjoy the meal. is a compliment. I'm joking. God, I'm literally laughing it out. I'm like, is it?

Imagine. Oh, if you don't shit yourself at the table, it means you didn't enjoy the meal. You've offended your host. Yeah. I explained to my own Giovanna that the change in water had given me a bit of a dodgy stomach. And asked them where the bathroom was. Are you listening? Er, just typed on Google, can non-alcoholic beer make you shit yourself? I don't think it's the beer, I think it's the water he's just said, the change in water. Okay, carry on, carry on, carry on. So he's asked them where the bathroom was.

To my horror, they pointed to a door in the dining room. Oh no! Which I thought was a cupboard. Oh no, don't have your toilet off your dining room. It's there, it's literally there. Oh god! It's literally there. Oh no don't have your toilet off your dining room. It's there, it's literally there. Oh god. It's literally there. Oh heavens. When I entered the bathroom it became apparent that this was once a cupboard and had been converted into a small toilet with no window. Oh no. I realised this

meant they would probably hear every noise I made. I mean it could have been worse, it could have had one of them, you know the beads that they had in corner shops in the 90s where you just go through the beads For flies imagine that it's just through the beads It was roasting hot in there and to try and combat the sound of the flock of starlings. I was about to unleash I put a load of toilet roll down the bog, which I hoped would act as a silencer It does usually yeah, I sat down and let it all go I then slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly,

slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, Whatever it was. I was mortified and was dreading coming out of the toilet and seeing them both sat there. This is my worst nightmare. Oh, a toilet off the dining room is one of the worst design features in a house I've ever heard in my life. That's so bad. Yeah. I had a real fear of people hearing a shit when I was younger, you know. I don't know why, like, it's just horrible.

Here's our dining room en suite. I mean, the only thing worse than that is off the kitchen, but I suppose no. If the dining table's there, dining table's there. Sometimes they are off the kitchen. Yeah but off the dining room's worse much worse. I cleaned myself up using the last of the toilet roll flushed the bog and started washing my hands in the tiny basin as I turned around to check the bog was clear I noticed that the water water level with all my shit in it was getting higher and higher. It was the toilet paper but carry on. It just blocked it. All that blue roll had done was cause the toilet to block and the whole mess started to overflow. It was literally shit everywhere. The tile floor in their little bathroom was

awash with shit and shitty water. I was mortified. As I'd used all the toilet roll and had no choice but to scoop it up with my hands. Heavens above. I must have been in there about five minutes and I was sweating buckets by now. Then, and as if things couldn't get any worse, as I bent down to start cleaning it up, I shat my pants. A proper poopy liquid shit that went straight through my kegs onto my cream chinos. Honestly, I just wanted to die. And the worst bit is he's going to open that door into the dining room and that smell is going to come out like he's on stars in their eyes. They just sat there. They just sat there. I cleaned up the mess the best I could, pulled my polo shirt over my arse to try and hide the stain and came out of the bathroom. I must have looked like I've been in a fight in there I went to sit back down at the table and noticed that the chairs had cream covers on the seats

Oh, why is everything cream in this story? By this time I was past caring I just squelched down on the seat and tried to finish me dinner There wasn't much crack between us and every time I took a fork full of food I could smell the shit stuck down my fingernails Oh This is I took a fork full of food I could smell the shit stuck down my fingernails. Oh this is giving me a bit of anxiety this. I finished the meal, declined the dessert, made my excuses and asked for a lift home. Asked for a lift? I apologised on my way home and tried to explain to my boss what had happened but

not sure how this came over in my pigeon journey. I reckoned the stench and the mark on his chair would help him understand though. Best wishes from a fellow sand dancer. That's one of the worst stories I've ever heard. I would pay money to hear what he was trying to say to that guy. What do you think? Just because... You do it, you do it. Well, just like, erm, erm, so, erm, in your, in your, in your lavator toilet or wc uh me uh shit shit all shit all crap all

shit all my my pants not not your wife's food your wife food good your wife's food good but me me my tummy water agua agua oh bad bad agua. And I shit, I just poo pants. Please poo our fuckers. Literally like. Poo our. Yeah, let your colleague come over for dinner. Make him a lovely dinner. He's just gonna shit in the toilet.

Can you imagine the grief the wife gave that. Oh, I wouldn't forgive you. I'd literally be like, I didn't even want him to come. Yeah, I had to cook for that guy. And he blocked our toilet and he shat all over the floor, and he's ruined that chair, and the car needs a wash. Disgusting, disgusting. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

Hello Rosie and Chris, hope you're well. Long time listener, first time emailer. Welcome. Super quick one that literally just happened in my immediate thought was to email you. Love it. Just passed a man in the gym who was using an empty bottle of mouthwash as a water bottle.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, But surely no matter how much you wash it out, you won't have to be minty. Why can I say Carl Hutchinson called the gym? That's Carl, I was just about to say that. So Carl Hutchinson used to fill up on a morning, I'll never forget when I used to work, when I used to live in Manchester with him, on Saturday morning, because he was blessing me, he was teacher and comedian at the same time.

So I was doing all these late night gigs with him, and then he was going to fucking teach on a morning. So Saturday was his day off. So I'd often catch him coming up the stairs. Never forget it as long as I live. Big plate coming up the stairs. They have a big dinner plate in one hand. On the dinner plate was an, it would always be, 99 times out of 100, it would be a bagel with like bacon, egg, mushrooms and cheese in it with, not next to it, on top of it, a gigantic mountain of chili heat wave Doritos. All right, okay.

Or tangy cheese Doritos. All right. Just we're talking 11 o'clock in the morning, just piled on the plate, you know. I'm not judging. And in his other hand would always be a Corona bottle with water in it. Oh God, yeah.

Awful. A Corona bottle with water on it. Why, why? Loved, just he says he just loved the way... He loved the way it tasted but also loved the shape of it and the way the water came out of the bottle. Loved drinking water out of a bottle. You know what? The only way I can describe it is, you know when we were kids and we would turn them cartons upside down and bite the carton,

you'd squirt the juice in your mouth. Yeah, Robin loves them. Yeah, when you squirt the juice, it tastes amazing. When you drink it with a straw, just take the thing off, drink it with a cup, it's fucking revolt. Same kind of thing. Mad. Did you never when you were a kid, did you never brush your teeth and then put your toothbrush under the tap and then suck the water? It's the best water ever. Yeah. What? And why was it the best water ever? Don't know why. Because what did the end of the toothbrush have on it? What? Toothpaste? Bit of mint.

Maybe water in the mouthwash bottle is the nicest thing ever. Who knows? I think it's just, on it. What? Toothpaste? Bit of mint. Bit of mint? Maybe water in the mouthwash bottle is the nicest thing ever. Who knows? I think it's just, I think he's literally left for the gym and thought, fuck, I haven't got a bottle, I'll use that. It's probably been in the recycling bin. Been in the recycling bin, he thought that I'll just use that. Or he's done his mouthwash and thought, this is empty, I'll fill this up for the gym. I mean, again, saving the planet, wonderful, reuse and recycle. Weird to see though.

So weird. Very weird to see, because it probably, obviously still planet, wonderful, reuse and recycle. Weird to see though. So weird. It's very weird to see because it obviously still had the label on it. I would have to go and say something. I couldn't let that go. I would have to go. Sorry mate, you don't know me. What the fuck are you drinking out of that for? Is everything alright at home? There'll be a reason why.

Sack. I don't think I'm okay with it. I've almost just justified but I'm not okay with it being used in public. There we go. That's what I'm upset about. That's what I'm upset about. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi Rosie and Chris. Listening to the story about the man

that spat red wine into his Bolognese made me think of the first time my ex made me dinner. It was just bangers and mash, nothing fancy, not much to go wrong. Looked pretty good, and I took a big bit of mash. There was a big lump in it. So thinking he just hadn't mashed the potato properly, I bit into it.

To my surprise, it was a whole clove of raw garlic. What the fuck? I asked my ex about it and he said, he thought it would melt and make garlic mash. That's not how garlic works. It's not butter. It's cooking didn't get much better. I thought it would melt.

I thought it would melt. I'll tell you exactly what he's been doing. He's been watching Goodfellas, because on Goodfellas, there is a scene where they're all in jail, but because they're wise guys, their jail experience is sort of ridiculous. They've got like a little stove and everything,

and they're cooking like amazing meals. And there's a bit where he says that- I've never seen that, you like amazing meals. And there's a bit where he says that- I've never seen that, you know. Incredible film. There's a bit where he says that the main guy, the Don, he spends ages slicing garlic, thin, really ridiculously transparent thin with a razor so it liquefies in the pan.

Right. And I remember thinking, I don't think it'll liquefy in the pan. I think it'll just be left with- Is that what it's a little bit of cooking and good fellows like? I don't think it'll liquefy in the pan. I think it'll just be left with. Is that what it's a little bit of cooking in Goodfellas like? I am, oh. Goodfellas or Godfellas?

What, what's it called? You just don't listen to anything I say. Well, it's a pizza, Goodfellas pizza, but I'm thinking of Godfather, aren't I? Are they the same, similar kind of? You don't need me in the room for a conversation, do you? I know that. Yeah, I do.

I don't see how I can do this podcast myself. Goodfellas is the show. And also a pizza. Is the film. Don't worry about the pizza. Nothing to do with it. Literally nothing to do with it. Probably something to do with it though.

No, nothing at all. Just took the name. Okay. Goodfellas, Montesquoie Saisy. Yes. Yes. And then Godfather. The Godfather, Francis Foucault.

Totally different. Different film. Right, okay. Different film, different actors. Good. Made at a different time. Yeah. Godfather made before Goodfellas.

Yeah. Do you remember the first time, I've said this before, but the first time I ever saw a fish and chip shop called the Codfather, that really tickled me. And I've seen loads since. Honestly, the Codfather. That's fucking brilliant. Oh God. And they're everywhere now.

I love stuff like that though. Yeah, you're simple. Easily. Yeah. Simple, simple little mind. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Make sure you come back next week for Knockers or Notters. Knockers or Notters! Let's hope Rosie remembers to do that. It's going to be great that, just so you know.

It'll be good fun, won't it? A little bit of research you're going to have to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. As always guys, if you want to get in touch at shagmiredenied at gmail.com, please continue to like, rate, subscribe, follow, or whatever the fuck you do, we're on all your little podcast apps. And just, just thanks very much and we'll be back in years next week. Bye!