Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 271. Fox Blocked

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

On the podcast this week things get serious when the Ramsey's start preparing for a joint 40th birthday party that is taking place in 2 years! As well as this they discuss cream out of a can, thieving from your doorstep and bad algorithms! QFTP's involve some Rosie's Mysteries and a dog based ick! PLUS Chris reveals that he has never seen the film Grease! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Noid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hi. Hi You're here hopefully for a little bit of light relief because there's a lot going on in the world at the moment and Love awful horrible things. We're all we can all see the news Don't want to talk about too much, but just hope everyone's okay and We just wanted to be away. I guess yeah Let everyone know that if we don't mention stuff, it doesn't mean we don't know what's not going on. We know what's going on, and conversations happen

between us that aren't on the internet, but this isn't for that. It's not. This is a comedy relationship podcast. Is it though? Is it comedy? It can be, I tell you what, fucking was ready to put me fucking foot

through the monitor just there. First of all, we did the mic check, and there was like a weird rumbling we could hear, like a really weird rumbling and we both freaked out, we thought it was like an earthquake or something. Turns out it was just the bin men going past, but they haven't been for so bastard long, we forgot what the sound was like.

Oh yeah, still on strike guys, they are still on strike. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a risk going on. Nobody got in touch with us about secretly getting our bins done, which is really fucking upsetting. Really annoying, I'm good with that. Genuinely thought, I thought we might have had a really rogue, sly little email or phone call last night. Hands in the air, I normally don't, hands in the air?

Is that right? Put your hands up in the air. I'll hold my hands up, I'll hold my hands up is the sentence, no, hands up. I'll put my hands up and say I normally don't like receiving free things and stuff, you know what I mean? A little bit, oh, cause you know, I don't go as far as when Dave Grohl was apparently in like,

you know, him from Foo Fighters, he was apparently in a record store on the track, he gave him a load of free stuff, and he was like, I don't need it, I'm Dave Grohl, give it to the guys behind us. Pretty cool, but genuinely, depends on how much I was paying, I probably would have took it. But what I'm saying is,

I don't normally like to take a load of free shit, but if they got in touch and went, look, because we love your podcast, we will stab at your bins, I would fucking take that. I would shamelessly, shamelessly take that honestly. But yeah so that happened and then just this fuck like I don't is there something out there that is just more simple to use for recording podcasts. Do you know what I always think about right. I had hours and hours of recordings on my talk boy. No issue whatsoever.

No issue. Talk boy picked it up. Was that the one that was off Home Alone? Yeah, press play and record. I could change my voice. This is Kevin McAnister, the father. I did all that. Never an issue.

This fucking piece of shit. Every week I turn it on, it's fucking winding them up. I did a full radio show on my talk boy. Well, here we go! Yeah, not an issue. Honestly, you know, when, uh, you know, how like hipsters, you know, Instagram has start taking photos on old as fuck shit cameras and posting them on Instagram. They go, I took whatever millimeter or something and

then look dog shit. We should be the first podcast as to ironically just record on a talk boy and all you can do is get it on a cassette and you've got to go somewhere and get the cassette. Well, we could go to a recording studio. Why try me to leave my house? Why try me to leave my house? Because you love a whinge, like either deal with it or go somewhere where they can do it for you, but you never will. The whinging is part of dealing with it. The whinging is part of dealing with it. Do you understand? Good well look you're drinking your fucking cup of hot water. Oh yeah, jealous. Look at you, just like doing a fucking welcome to the show with Chris Ramsey and Gwyneth

fucking Paltrow over there. I'm just like, oh guys, I've started drinking hot water all the time. And banging on about it. Banging on about it. Well I've heard it's really good. It genuinely is. Google, right? And it's really good for you. To the point where I'm like, why am I, how old am I am I 37 this is I was thinking about this the other day your problem is you you round up your age so often that you want away I don't even think it's that I just think yes you're stuck in like a year it's not like when you're young and you've always you're like I'm gonna be a year older I can do this

we're just we can do whatever one we're just stuck in here so 37 aren't we 37? You are 37 but why do I feel like I'm 38 already? Because you're constantly because you I've told you you rounded up I thought there was a UFC fight there I was watching their day and he was 37 and I remember thinking oh he's younger than me I was like oh no I'm the same age as him but Rosie constantly says so much questionary 40 that I think I feel like I'm already 40. You guys trying to plan our 40th birthday party, we're having a joint wangers 40th birthday party.

There'll be- Cause we're born the same month. Yeah, everyone come, there'll be loads of tables of hot water, that's gonna be great. Oh no, we'll get to that, we'll get to it later, cause I totally forgot about that, and I'm gonna write it down as it be. So yeah, great.

So yeah, but I was like, oh, it's actually a few years away, but you've been making us feel like I'm 40 for so long. We've talked about before, when January hits, you tell us how old I'll be the following year, not how old I'll be that year. Well, I feel like we should do it because I said something to my mom. I said, I'm gonna buy myself this. I'm gonna buy like a treat for my 40th birthday. You're not buying anything for your 40th. It's our joint 40th. We'll get something we can both use.

You can... A talk boy. Shut your... Great. I actually would love a talk boy. And I said, I'm gonna buy this thing for my 40th. She went, why are you waiting for your 40th we'll get something we can both use. A talk boy. Shut your, oh great. I actually would love a talk boy. And I said, I'm gonna buy this thing for me 40th. She went, why are you waiting for your 40th? I went, because I feel like I should. And weirdly I felt, I was like, mom, do you think I'm gonna fucking die or something?

Very intense. And she was like, you shouldn't wait for big occasions. Right. And I was like, okay, well. That's just because she gives everyone their Christmas presents in bastard September. I know, but then Poppies was like, Mammy you're right. But then now I'm like, am I gonna die?

Or should I buy the thing? I don't know. Don't buy the thing, unless it's a store boy and you're not buying nothing. What was that writing down? A hot water heater. Oh, it was the beef or something. Yeah. Anyway, listen, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for coming to us for some light relief from life.

It is episode 271 of Shag Married Annoyed. Thank you for being part of the gang and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's lucrative sponsor is actually something it actually ties in really nicely with the chat we've just had and they'll be dead happy. They'll be dead happy. Alright, we might get an award. Yeah, they might. What bloody might get an ward? I doubt it. Um. But it's still going.

Not if it's judged, maybe if it's voted by the public. Ofs. Speaking of things that you couldn't do in your, what? They're too hot. It's too hot? Oh, your hot water's too hot, is it? Never in the fucking world. Are you gonna let us finish what I was saying?

Oh, God. I'm so sorry, we will get back to this. Just really, it's like. Sponsor's time's money here. Google the benefits of drinking hot water. Oh, God, quit it, man. It's genuinely good. And my mom, right, my mom's really thin. She's always drank hot water and I've never really got, I've always thought,

you're weird. But now I'm like, if I can be, you know, if I could just stop eating them half a tube of Pringles every night and them two fabs, then I will be lost in it. I do believe it, yeah. I do believe your hot water is being counteracted by your 10pm fabs. I don't regret a single fab ever. Honestly. I don't give a shit anymore. I'm dead happy actually at the minute. Yeah? Tell your face. Tell your face. Tell your attitude. Tell your arse. Yeah. But actually I don't know if I'm just dead happy with the way I look right

now because I haven't been on the telly for a bit. Right okay. So I've got a couple of telly appearances coming up and then I'll probably not see you for a while. Few things coming up, so that's good. No, but actually, I feel like I've been- Hashtag pray for Chris. I've talked about my weight a lot recently and there's been weight, some people come in going like, why are you bothered? And it's like because everybody's fucking bothered. Every woman I know who I speak to, all the talk about their weight, so it is, it's a huge thing. And it's just, you know, it changes so much when you have children. But, you know, I don't ever want to get obsessed

with it I'm very happy with the way I look and I'm in between a 12 and a 14 and I'm buzzing about that so live on live long live prosper and happy anniversary. Good God. And may the force be with you. Sorry about that carry on. So as I said this week's sponsor in conjunction with things that you just couldn't do, you realise you're an adult, this week's sponsor is... Sprayin' whip cream in your mouth from the tin. Oh, right, okay, so... Oh...

I'm gonna chat about Costco. Sorry, can you not interrupt the sponsor? This is time is money. Honestly, big old tin of whip cream, freezing cold, every time you walk past the fridge, open it up, give it a shake. Little present, little present. Starting to feel sick. Sorry, starting to feel a bit sick,

doing it a bit too much. Yeah. But it's one of them things, no, stop it. It's one of them things, well I'm actually deliberately leaving a little gap and I'm making eye contact with us as she tries to talk and then I'm cutting again. But no, it's one of them things where

we were in the shop the other day, we were in Costco, ridiculous place, and Robin wanted to buy some whipped cream. And because I was, I'd seen it on films when I was younger, I'd seen people spritin' whipped cream in their mouth and I've always thought, I wanted to do that. And because my mom and dad were like, no, he went, it was this weird thing. Like, people listening, you must have this, things that were not allowed when you were a kid, you just automatically think they're still not allowed now. So Robin went, dad, can we get the whipped cream? And I was like, well, it's forbidden.

Absolutely not. I know, there's some mad things your parents, like, so this is what I'll never understand about your mom and dad, right? But I love them to bits, right? But I will never understand the way the parent did. So Chris wasn't allowed to squirt whipped cream into his mouth.

Wasn't allowed whipped cream in the house. Wasn't allowed whipped cream at all. Tell them how old you were the first time you ever went paragliding. Seven. What the fuck? What? What?

What? What? On me own. What? The actual? On me own. Fuck? Off a beach in Spain.

Is it parachute? Parasailing on paragliding. Whatever, it's the one where there's a speedboat and a rope and a parachute. And I didn't do it with a, this wasn't when you could do it as two. No, no, no, on your own. This was a one.

Seven. Seven. Seven. Were they in the back of the boat? No, they stayed on the beach. Shut! Shut up! No, they did not.

Swear to God. Swear to God, they stayed on the beach. Seven. Yeah. Seven. Yeah. But you weren't allowed to have whipped cream in the house that you could twerk in your mouth.

No, no, bad, bad. Forbidden. I was just kidding. I can't, I just can't. I can't, I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I just, what? What? Yeah. Seven. So the only thing I can think of is, we were watching, we were basically watching people do it all day. So we're on the beach and all day we're watching people do it. Yeah.

And it was like, I wanna do it. Yeah, but you say you're not old enough? Or you say someone will have to go with you. Your dad will have to do it with you. If I remember it, it was, can I do it? Absolutely not. You're not old enough. Can I do it? You're not old enough. Can I do it? You're not old enough. And I either went along and asked or my dad went along and asked when they gave in

and went, can he do it? And they went, yeah, you can do it. So they went, you're old enough. You can do it. Do you want to do it? Are you sure you want to do it? I went, yeah, I'll do it. There's great. My mom got great series of photos from the beach.

And I was the only person who landed back in the sand that day. Oh, well done. All of their blokes, you had to come in. I'm sure I've talked about before, and you had to pull one arm down and one arm up. Everyone kept landing in the water and I landed on the sand.

But I think there's something to do. That was that fucking light. Yeah. I really don't think you should have been allowed up there, are you? Not at seven. 90s man, it was that fucking light. Yeah. I really don't think you should have been allowed up there on your own, not at seven. 90s man, it was different, different times. I've done that before, you know,

I was absolutely terrified. It was one of the worst experiences of me entire life. I've done it twice. So I did it on my seven, I thought it was amazing. Just buzzing out there on my own, miles above the boat, just looking around, above the sea, loving it. Then I did it years later,

I think when I was in Ibiza with my mates, and there was two of us did it, and I remember hearing the rope go like, and I was like, fuck this. I'm watching thatiza with my mates, there was two of us did it. And I remember here in the rope go like, and I was like, fuck this. Watching that clip, the one clip that's keeping you on. I was like, fuck this. Just watching that swing, I thought I was ill. I remember war went paragliding,

and then this was when they pulled you back into the boat. You couldn't even land on the beach. They pulled you back in the boat. Oh yeah, I've done the pulling back in. Yeah, we got back on the boat, and then included in the price was like, oh, you can have a beer and watch the sunset, it was a beta. So the guy opened his fucking like he opened the compartment where the engine was and there was like six warm cans of lager and we all

got a warm can of lager that stunk a petrol and sat there fucking freezing as the sun went down. God it was shit, absolutely shit. so there you go hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married and Oied. With Chris Ramsay and Gwyneth Paltrow. What, because I'm drinking hot water? That's your new thing now. What is Gwyneth Paltrow just doing loads of like this stuff? I'll be honest with you, I think it's actually quite hack to slag her off for it now. It was a while ago.

It was just once you brought out like a fanny candle and that. And bone broth and all that shit. I'm just joking. It's just for the jokes. And you know what? Good for her. Good for her. Fanny candle in that.

Good for her. Live and let live. Absolutely class, why not? Listen, if I could weave my spare arse here in some kind of candle, happy days. Live and let live. But apparently at the minute, and I don't know whether that's just my Instagram, right?

But. Your Instagram's full of dickheads, by the way. way. Oh I know it is I know it is because I save recipes and I save some like workout stuff and things like that and then all of a sudden all it is right and it's really starting to piss me off it's just women going is your face bloated? Is your stomach, do you hold on your weight in your stomach? It'll be your cortisol. Comment cortisol and I'll tell you what to do and I'm like just fucking just actually actually how about you just tell us about it rather than making me comment and you telling us and

every single click I mean click bait on Instagram it's this new thing where they won't put things you have to like read the paragraphs and then they'll not they'll not share anything and I'm really getting hatched off. If they want you to comment underneath that's because then they'll go comment this word underneath and I'll DM you the thing. That's just to get their post more viral. Yeah, the bastard. That's all that is. Bastard. Again, I've told you, man, there's two things that are really fucking me off at the minute. One is when, well, three, one is when they do that.

Two is when they put something up deliberately wrong or deliberately, so they'll put a maths problem up and they'll go, this is how you solve it. Only 1% of people can solve it. And then all the comments are people going, it's wrong. And you go, yeah, yeah, it's deliberately wrong. So you will comment it's wrong to get that post viral. Oh really? Oh God, I hate, I hate everyone.

Everyone. Not to narrow that down. Yeah, no, but then people will want me, what makes you go, oh, I'm gonna do Not to narrow that down. Yeah, no, but then people, what makes you go, oh I'm gonna do this, to do that. So sly. Games, online games, ads, ads for, not online games, ads for phone games and it's someone doing it shit. The ad is someone is that, I can't untie this knot and the fucking, you're watching it going going I can do it just looking at it and then moving the thing around and the sort of Psychology behind it is that you essentially you downloading it and getting that game is you going fucking give it here you idiot That's basically the thing behind it, but I did see a good one

I did see one of the cleverest ones I've seen. It was obviously because you get different things thrown at you through the algorithm. So obviously mine is a lot of... Yours is wack, is it? It's a lot of... A wack. It's the wackest. It's a lot of BJJ stuff. And then now and then it's like recipe things. I had to block a few accounts because I like watching Grapplin and then you watch MMA, but then it's like, oh, you like fighting?

Well, here's a video of a horrific street fight and you go, oh, no, I didn't want to see that. So I've got to get rid of them. But I don't know what I bought. I must have bought a bag or a travel bag or something. And then it's like, oh, you like fucking suitcases and that, do you, dickhead? But it threw us this one and it was so... No, I just wanted one.

But it was a really clever pose. So it was for this case that you can vacuum pack the case. So you put all your stuff in and then you zip it and then you stick a little hoover in. Oh yeah, I bet you've seen that. I can guarantee you didn't see the one I'm talking about because it was so fucking clever, because it was like, oh, this is the thing and this is how it works so you're just gonna pack your stuff and he opens it and he puts the t-shirts in and you just catch a glimpse of a silver butt plug as he's putting the t-shirts in and all the comments were like did you see the butt plug and it had fucking 25,000 comments about a butt plug but that's why because the butt

plug was the clickbait so that was it was deliberately gonna put the butt plug. But that's why, because the butt plug was the clickbait. So that was, it was deliberately going to put the butt plug there. Let them see for two seconds. Everyone loses their minds about the butt plug while getting this fucking bag advertised to them. It's genius to be fair. It's like marketing. Did you buy the bag? I bought the butt plug. need a fucking bag out loads of them. Well done. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Speaking of bags, so we've got obviously thoughts and prayers to everyone in South Tyneside who's been still on Getting Collected regularly. Is it just us?

I think it's just us, yeah. Well I told you in there a guy came from Newcastle to fix a thing for the blinds in our house. And he took the thing out of a, the cardboard box was tiny. I mean, you could have, it was, I mean, it was probably only the size of what you'd probably get an actual pack of cards in. And he took the cardboard box and he put it on the bench.

And I went, you take it out where you like. He went, what? I went, my bins are on strike. I'm not having the fucking cardboard. He went, you're joking. I was, oh, at Robin's school the other day, they did this thing where they needed, they were making rockets in teams

and they were gonna make a rocket and they needed loads of recycling. We were like, oh my God. I sent that kid to school. Rosie, you could barely fucking, you could barely carry the bag I gave him. Honestly, I'm not kidding. I gave him so much.

I gave him about six Pringles tins. Yeah, his team won actually. Fucking right they did. It must have been... Three months worth of recycling. The size of an actual rocket. I was surprised NASA haven't phoned up. You go, spare rocket. I see there's a rocket there. We can see it on the skyline. So, here's a hack if you want to get rid of some rubbish, but you can't go to the tip

and your bin's on getting collected and you live in South Tyneside. So this happened to me the other day and I wrote it down. So. Okay, I don't know this. I haven't told you this. All right. So, me mate had done a run at the tip and he'd forgot to take one bag of rubbish. And he's a relative of his lives in a sort of serviced apartment complex where what they've got outside is they've got outside

is they've got basically a massive communal bin, but it's like almost half bin half skip and it privately gets collected. Okay. So he was like, Oh, look, he was like, yeah, I forgot to take this. Can you, can you take it for us? And she was like, no problem. So he left it outside, but it wasn't in a bin bag. It was in an Ikea bag.

And it was just a load of boxes and rubbish and stuff in an IKEA bag, and he went back out to get it about five inches later and it was gone, and he checked his security cameras, and someone had walked past and went, fucking hell, there's an IKEA bag there, and nicked it. Oh, for fuck's sake. So then I got it home and went,

oh, a load of stuff here, it's fucking recycled, it's just a bag of recycling. Fucking hell, man. Might start leaving like... Because whenever I bought anything posh, I've always kept the bag that it comes in. Oh yeah yeah yeah. I've got a mowby bag in that. I might just put the carrier bag outside the room.

It was full of old milk cans. Thank you, you fucker! Well the thing is though, do you know what it is? People who nick, they would feel hard done by. They would have got that IKEA bag and been like, aw fucking hell, what a prick. They'd have been like angry. They'd have been angry at the person who stole it off. Round our ways, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came back and knocked on your door going, yeah! I'm not being funny like, but that is.

I was expecting some fucking, I was expecting some Ikea stuff, some fucking botangs and some hammerlans and some whatever they're called. Insta-clang-a-pangies. Po-tah-nies. Clang-a-langies. I honestly wouldn't be surprised. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. It's time for What's Ya Beef?

What's ya beef? Rigatoni. Beef, beef, beef. Beef rigatoni. Very nice. Ladies first or gentlemen first? Eh, I'll go first. So I don't know whether I do the birthday party beef or whether it's something else. I might leave the birthday party beef till next week. Okay, so the one you wrote down

about our joint 40th birthday, you're gonna leave that next week. I should do it now. It's totally up to you. I don't know, I know what that one is and I'll fight me corn on that one till the day I die. I can't be arsed, so I will do it next week. Great. I'm not in a fighty mood. Okay. I'm not. I'll fight me corn on that one till the day I die. I can't be arsed so I will do it next week. Great. I'm not in a fighty mood.

Okay. I'm not. I'll do me other beef. So, what's the matter McFly? You chicken? McFly! Right, so we're gonna have a 40th birthday party. Joint. In two years time. Joint 40th birthday party. We're chatting about it the other day. Two and a half years time. Whilst we're chatting about it,

Chris already got really defensive about the kids coming, which I find really sad because actually, you need to start living your life just with the children involved. No I didn't. You. No, I didn't. You did? No, I didn't. You were saying, right, don't be a dickhead,

because you were, to which I said, the children are coming, you've got two children, they're part of our lives, they're coming to stuff. Absolutely, yeah. So? No, I'm not finished. Okay, okay, okay. Why aren't you digging?

Oh, wait, look, cross me fingers, demanders. Chris has got this thing about not drinking after a certain time because he can't deal with a hangover the next day, right? He's got this really, which is fine, that's fine. Hanzari. Do not put that into the context of a 40th birthday party, which is in two and a half years.

So Chris was catastrophizing, saying, well, we can't have it really late because then what we're gonna do the next day will be hungover. And I was like, I can't believe that you are already slagging off and putting down the party that is in two and a half years time.

Yeah. Why would you do that? I'll tell you right now, okay, you done? You done? You done talking shit? I don't know how you've, I don't honestly don't know how you can actually defend that. Well, I'll tell you.

So we started saying about the party and about what time it will be and when it will be and stuff and you were like, yeah, we'll have it here. You know, we're gonna have this, we're this we'll have that you know get it started about seven o'clock. I'm not having one at home I'm not having it in the house. No no no you know just you're talking not here here you were talking about here and there you were saying different places we could have it then you're like yeah we'll have it it'll be great we'll have DJ or whatever then we'll have a band we'll have an actual band we'll get a good band and into the night and I was like right I was like

where the kids going you know the kids are coming I was like well I thought it would be a daytime thing and I went what could have a daytime thing on a weekend it'd be so much better and you're like I'm not having a daytime thing just because you don't want to drink after a certain time. No no absolutely not I'll stop you right there. I did not say absolutely I would love to do it during the day and I think that's a really good idea right but it was just the way that you were absolutely adamant a bit ago not being on night time. You initially wanted to be a night time thing and then I said... But I would love it to be a night time thing. I want it to be a daytime.

And I tell you what, do you know what it is? I'm saying it right now. And listen, I'm ripping up the birthday... I don't want a fucking birthday party with you. I'll have my own. We'll have separate birthday parties. OK. Because you're such a wanker. OK. OK. Right. Good.

But... No, no but... You said you wanted the kids to come. We'll have separate birthday parties. You can have one on your own and I'll have mine and the kids will come, right? You could honestly, what I, let's split up. You said. I'm so sick of you. You said you wanted it on the night and then you said you wanted the kids to come and I said why don't we do it on the day then the kids can come on. All the kids can come on. They come on at night time. They don't like 10 o'clock. They don't belt. You've gone so mad. Like it's in two and a half years time. Raph's going to be five. Robin's going to be like 11.

What's wrong with you? Well I'm a realist. No you're not a realist. You're such a, honestly. When we took Robin to the Newcastle Arena gig and he came home and he got the next day, he was, honestly, he looked like he was hungover. I thought, has he been drinking behind this bar? He was goose.

And it's just, if you're planning something two and a half years in advance, make it perfect. No, I don't want it with you anymore. Right, okay, so come on. I don't want to join birthday party. It's off the, I don't want it. Right, okay. So when are you having yours?

Just some, just not, I'll have mine on my actual birthday day. And you know what? It'll be so hilarious. It'll be less people go to yours than mine. Damn right. Because it'll be a curated guest list. But I'm having mine the day after yours so that everyone at yours goes, Oh, I'm going to take it easy because I've got the real one tomorrow. Such a prick.

Guys, everyone listening, Mammy and Daddy were just joking we're still friends I'm not joking, no you can go fuck yourself. No, mommy's getting a bit of a boisterous situation but it's alright. Absolutely not, I'm furious. I just don't know how you can, you just ruin things, you've proper ruined stuff, you've proper put- I've said it before, no. No mate, honestly no, You just put a dampener on everything and it's such a horrible way to live. It's realism. It's not me, it's really sad. It's really sad.

What do you call me, mate? Because right now, that's all you are, barely. You're barely me friend. More than I am usually, to be fair. All right, I'm sorry, but I just find it ridiculous that you can actually put that much of a dump note on something. That you can't let yourself get excited about things. That's what I find so frustrating.

No, why can't you just go, oh yeah, that'd be mint. And then, like, it's two and a half years away. It's two and a half years away. And you're already saying, we can't do it on the night time. We can't have it on the night time. Because you want the kids to come? Like what you were saying was fun.

They're not gonna be babies, they're gonna be kids. We'll swap it around, we'll swap it around, okay? We'll swap it around. Two and a half years, right? Or you're looking forward to for our 40th, we're gonna go on a, me, you and the kids, we're gonna go on a private helicopter trip.

I'll never get on a helicopter in my entire life. Why have you gotta ruin things? Why can't you just, sorry. Why can't you just- People die in helicopters? Why can't you just- Sorry, if children died from staying up a little bit late for the parents' 40th birthday party. Shut up.

And stop the recording. I'm sick. She just threw a pen at us. You're getting on my- I can't look at you. We're gonna have to have a break. A pen hit me head. We're gonna have to have a break

because I'm so, I can't. Let's stop. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. We're gonna have to have a break because I'm so... I can't... Let's stop. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo

babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babad sounds quite good. So we haven't set up a party that we're still having one party? No, we've just had a conversation. Yeah but just officially for these guys. No, not officially for anyone, We're having a party. We're having a lovely joint party. Okay, okay, okay. Let's have a little scroll through here. Chris, can we please?

Look, I'll say what I can do. No promises. The bins are gonna be out the next day. Can you? Do I get an apology at all? Listen, my beef with you. Do I not get an apology? I'll tell you what, I'll apologize in two and a half years

when it's not a disaster. Don't, because then, no, because you know what that is? That's lingering it over my head. That's what I'm getting upset about. I'm sorry, okay. That's you lingering over my head because you do this. You catastrophize about everything, right? So that if anything ever does go wrong,

you always do that, I told you so. But you do it about everything, right? So that if anything ever does go wrong, you always do that, I told you so. But you do it about everything, so there's never any chance of anything of being allowed to go wrong. So anyone who listens to- You're stressing about a party that doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. Anyone who listens to catastrophises

or lives with someone who catastrophises, what happens is you go to me, you go, this is the scenario scenario and I go, it's the worst possible thing that could happen. Right, that's going to happen. Like not the worst possible thing. So it's the worst possible thing that's going to be a building falling down. But I go, what are the bad points of that? Okay, let's do whatever we can to mitigate and not make those bad points happen. Do you know what I mean? That's my only thing. Just when I think about drinking and with the kids, I just think about them. Nick. That fucking bluey episode sums it up,

where he's gotta lie down and pretend it be a whale, because he's hanging out with his arse. And that's sometimes the crack, and you're just like fucking hanging in there, just want loads of stuff and they don't sit still. But you're right, you'll be older, they'll both be older. But life is changing a lot as well. The kids are like,

we're still a bit in the trenches with Rave, but it is getting a lot easier. But that's my thing as well, so I can't look into the future with Steve. I know what you're going. You go massive party till bit in the trenches with Rave, but it is getting a lot easier. Yeah, but that's my thing as well. So I can't look into the future. We're still you go. You go massive party till two in the morning. I go, what now? What do you mean? Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Still not apologizing. If I did apologize, Daisy, take that out. And well, I apologize for getting I did get really cross. And I shouldn't have. I'm really sorry. I got the lid was on. Could have got poisoned. Listen. Yes.

I'll go on. Oh, you're brave. I've still got to be for you. Oh, wait a minute. I have. God, I got poisoned. Listen. Yes, oh, you're brave. I've still got beef for you though. Oh, wait a minute. I have. So, you, I think you've done this before, but you're doing it again now and starting to really piss us off. What?

So if something's out of date in the fridge, you will take it and you will, you know, you'll put it in the bin or whatever, you'll get rid of it. It's starting to happen less and less. I think we're getting much better with waste now. But if it's a paste or a liquid or something squirty or something spreadable, you take it out and you just put it on the counter next to the fridge and you just wait.

And you just wait. No, I wait until I'm going to do it. No, yo. How's that mustard you took out the other day? Oh yeah, where did that go? No, where did that go? Where did that go? Mustard? That was on the bench. Did the Mustard Fairy come and take it away?

I couldn't actually face it until two and a half years. Very good. So there you go. A little call back. Very good. Very good. Yeah, stop it. But yeah, I did empty the most steady world.

What? Thank you. I'm actually wrapping up. I'm gonna give it to you for you. Oh God. We will not be together by then, so. That's the thing, you know. Let's not book anything yet, cause, you know, it's all up in the air. Yeah.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! This next part of the podcast is sponsored by Comedy on Audible. Oh, have you been at it again? At what? Making a fool of yourself. Last time you were telling us about how you just laughed through it every time something embarrassing or disastrous happens. So the moment you start talking about Comedy podcasts on Audible, I immediately think something's gone wrong again. What is it?

Well, lots of things embarrassingly always go wrong for me and I always do laugh through it. Yes, I find myself in an embarrassing situation. I do something a little silly. Rather than dwelling on it I will just stick on a comedy podcast and indulge in some escapism. But no, sorry to disappoint. No more tales of war for you today. No worries, but I do know somebody who does. Oh yes, the listener. Yeah that's right. We asked you for your best stories of when all you could do was just laugh through it and you did not

disappoint. I knew you wouldn't. No, I've got one here, right? So. Yeah, how are you then? Hi, Chris and Rosie, just finished and listened to this week's podcast and thought you'd appreciate my laugh through it moment. We recently had our bathroom refurbished and towards the tail end, we had multiple workmen in and out of the house at once. I had headed upstairs to crack on with some housework when I heard the front door opening and saw my partner leaving without saying a word. Before he could get fully out of

the door I shouted, I where you going? and was met by a very confused plumber who replied, out to get a pipe. Oh my word, it wasn't her partner. I wanted the ground to swallow me up but I thought at least I'll never see him again until the next week he turned up to fit the shower. Brilliant! Guess who's back? Fantastic! You've got one there? I do! Okay, hi Chris and Rosie. My manager of 10 years recently retired and her replacement has been promoted internally. Sounds rude but it's not. Internal promotion? He's a very nice man and it turns out we live quite close to each other. I saw him in my local park a few days after he started and walked over with my dog to say hello. Thinking a bit of FaceTime with the new boss outside of work couldn't hurt. Of course.

How wrong I was. My dog is a friendly good boy but this day he just did not seem himself. A bit lethargic and less excitable than usual. I explained this as my new boss greeted me and my dog and I said, he's just not himself today, don't know what's up with him. As the words left my mouth, my dog instantly vomited all over my new boss's shoes. I was absolutely mortified. I wasn't expecting that. Oh God. My boss saw the funny side of it thankfully and I've still got my job. Brilliant. Well there we go. Good happy ending there, lovely.

You can't do anything other than just laugh through that. I mean what could you do, what could you do? And to be fair, you can't be getting sacked because your dog's been sick on your boss's shoes. I'm sure that's a ground foot unfair dismissal. Okay. Awesome story there, thank you very much. Remember if you find yourself in an awkward

or embarrassing spot like these guys, then laughter is often the best cure, in which case Audible have got you covered. Whether it's French and Saunders titin' about or Lollie Adaphobe is fan mail, Audible have some amazing original comedy podcasts to put a smile on your face. That's right, the next time I mess up,

I am putting on Educating Daisy, Daisy May Cooper, series two. Yep, get that lined up for the next time. Yep, I've got it lined up. You're ruining something. And it won't be long. It won't be long, Chris. Oh no, no, it's coming. It's coming. Listen to comedy now on Audible.

Subscription required. See audible.co.uk for terms. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Bababababababababababab, it's shagmindannoyed at gmail.com. Oh, by the way, regular listeners will know that we have not played Knockers or Notters. No, no. So annoyingly, I did come up, I was going to be like, knockers or notters, like that. Always have the theme tune first.

Of course. But I actually thought about it a little bit deeper and I thought actually it's a little bit disrespectful to women because they can do whatever they want with their tits, really. Fair enough. I'll take that as an answer. Yeah, I'll tuck it out.

Okay, I'll offer that as an answer. I'll offer another answer as couldn't be asked to work out. No, it was absolutely for women, for the rights, for the body positivity. Choose option A, all of that shit you've just said, option B, forgot about it slash couldn't be asked. Oh, 50% of both. Great. Yeah.

Tell the truth. Oh, B. I totally forgot. I totally forgot. No, I did, but then I was gonna do it before the podcast and I thought actually, nah, it's not, I really I need to be on the the team yeah yeah okay fight for fight for the side and hey listen maybe I'll get my not as done one day there we go so fair enough look forward to that just thought it'd be a good game but whatever sorry okay you ready Hi guys, just in the gym and there's a guy here in gardening gloves.

Just thought you ought to know. Thank you. Why? Do you think you should? Fucking hell. I'm guessing it's like, like the guy drinking out of the mystery bottle over there.

That's brilliant that. So yeah, often I think, I follow Mark Wahlberg on Instagram and often he's like when he's in the gym, I often think, have you got golf gloves on? Or does he? I think it's to stop him getting calluses off there. You know, if you're a proper gym bro, if you're a proper lifter, it's to stop getting the calluses and stuff on your hands. And yeah, so the way the gloves, but I don't, I mean, so when you say garden gloves,

my immediate thing was them fucking massive ones that look like well-designed gloves, but you can get quite skin tight. You can get really skin tight garden gloves, but weird, but you know, I suppose if you do the job. Maybe it's just gloves that work. Maybe it's not just green gloves. It's just actually like, it's garden gloves.

Maybe it's not that bad. You they're just green gloves. Just actually like, he's gone and gloves on. Maybe they're not that bad. You never know. Funny though. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi, your chat about Carl reminds me of my 94 year old gran who likes to drink water out of one of those mini wine bottles. Great.

Don't know why it makes it worse but it's a wee bottle of red. Get some very weird looks when out with her on her mobility scooter, swigging out of her wine bottle. She takes it with her. Oh, that's mint. Ah, just doing that to fuck with people. That's great.

What do you think? She says she has a dry mouth and it's a very good bottle. Love her. Brilliant. Just practical. Just practical, man. Yeah, hey, look, you find a bottle you like. You find a bottle you like.

Exactly. What do you do? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please don't mention my name. Absolutely won't in a million years, don't worry. No one's ever written that. Oh.

Normally just say please keep me in honor, but please don't mention my name. Do not mention my name. Keep your wife's name out of your goddamn mouth. Just listen to episode 269. Just to say, I had a great laugh when you said 69ers are only for young people. I am 45 and my partner 46 and we regularly do it. Okay. But here is why. Okay. Now it could

be because we've only been together for two years. Right. Yeah. And are both either separated or divorced. My sex life has never been better. Honestly it gets gets better. And I can't believe that for my previous 20 years of sexual activity within my marriage was without the utter joy of oral sex. Okay. So don't worry. When your kids are grown up, then you can 69 to your heart's content.

I don't think I enjoyed it ever. To be honest with you, fully, if I had it gone to my head. That sets the mood, doesn't it? But- Candles on, yeah, check. Sexy music, check. Gun to the head, yeah, gun to the head as well, great. Lie detector on.

I don't think I ever fully, fully, fully was fully engrossed in that one. I mean, listen, oral sex is wonderful. I'm not slagging off oral sex. It's the position of it. I don't think I ever fully got on board with it. I think it's personal preference. If they're loving it, then fucking fair play. I know, but then there's something to be said about,

I don't know, like we love it. Two, when we get two years. Yeah. Will you still love it when you've seen that ball sack for 10 years in a row? Probably not, probably not. And then you'll go, oh, right. Okay. Yeah. It's the same as when I was married. Maybe not. Maybe they found the right person now. I don't know. Maybe the six to their nine. Oh, cute. I should do cards. Shouldn't I? Well, the six to my nine. Happy Valentine's

Day. You're quite a good writer. Copyright! Copyright! So many things to copyright. Does just shouting copyright after something legally bind it to being your idea? Because I feel like I'll just give someone the idea for a dirty Valentine's Go. I think it does. Can I make you any more?

Oh, you're the top to my bottom era. Very good. You're the top to my bottom. Very good. You're the top to my bottom. You're the fist to my gape and arsehole. Maybe don't put it on the bottom shelf where the kids can read it, but you know. Gabe and arsehole, honestly. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I've listened to your podcast for a few years now

and decided now is the time to share my story which still haunts me to this day and could possibly be a Rosie's mysteries, mysteries. Yes, let's have a mysteries. Now forget, find out where the bit is and don't just stumble into it. Okay. For fuck's sake. Cause the amount of times recently you've gone

and it was a, oh, that was a mystery bit, wasn't it? I should have left that. After work one evening, I'd gone with my parents to my parents' friend's son's 21st birthday party. Fuck it up, hang on, let's get it. Hang on, I need to open Excel. I need to make a pie chart or a graph. It's a parents, friends, son's birthday.

Parents, friends, son's 21st birthday party. Yes. I was 20 at the time and knew the birthday boy quite well. You're not going to tell us into this but we had to pause recording there for 45 minutes to work that out. Chris could start catastrophizing about his 21st birthday. Oh, our kids 21st birthday. Chris could start catastrophizing about Robin's 21st birthday. I had to pop out and buy a cork board, some pins and load of red thread to work out. Like someone working out a murder. As I was initially unsure I'd make it to the party I hadn't taken a change of clothes so was in uniform, black skirt, shoes etc.

Where'd they work? Sorry what bit did I miss? Didn't say where they worked but I'm guessing it's like black shirt, no black skirt, shoes so I'm guessing it's like Italian restaurant. Great, okay. White shirt, black skirt, black shoes. Nah, restaurant. Any bar?

Restaurant. After a good night, my parents headed home and I decided to stay with the rest of the younger crowd for a few more drinks. Got you. Don't you be hungover the next day, you'll regret it. Are your kids there? over the next day you've regretted it. Your kids there? Sorry, not ready to joke about that yet? Okay, put the pen down. When it was time to head home, my mum's friend decided I shouldn't walk back by myself and asked one of the guys to walk with me. He was really quite cute and we'd been talking during the night so I was happy with this.

On my way back, fuelled by more than a few drinks, we ended up kissing and one thing led to another. One thing led to another? I've never heard the likes of it. On the way to my parents' house was a large grassy area with bushes surrounding it and we decided this would be a good spot to get down to it. I think they couldn't refork. Why? Because there's grass. No, I just could not think of anything worse than shagging it. I've never shagged in a bush. Right. No, I just couldn't think of anything worse. But where's City Folk though?

Where town people aren't there? Yeah, but there's fucking bushes here. Not like this is rural. This is sorry. This is rural. Yeah, we're urban. This is rural this. How do you know?

Because there's a bush. Because it just said there's a big grassy area in a bush. Well, surely if it's rural. Is it just a park? Yes, surely if it's rural, a grassy area wouldn't be something to mention because it would all be grassy. Okay, I've seen this as like a little country village

where they're walking. Well, they are walking back from a thing, so everything should be quite close together. Right. What would be more appropriate for us when we were that age would be like behind the bush out there. Right, okay. See? Classy. Yeah, right. What would be more appropriate for us when we were that age would be like behind the bus shelter. Right, okay.

See? Classy. Yeah, obviously. Yeah! Mind the broken glass. Don't stand on that condom. We can use it. Yeah, they're sick in the corner there, yeah.

Thinking as it was late at night and no one was around, I quickly stripped off my bottom half and was ready until... what happened? And that's the mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Oh God. So they're on a grassy area. She's been at work all day. Straight off of bottom half and was ready. To get down and then something's happened.

Something's happened. So is there something to do with, give us a clue. Is there something to do with her pants? Has something fell out of her pants? Is there something in her pants? Okay, this would be quite a big clue, but I just don't think you'll ever get anywhere near. Okay.

Out of nowhere, a... Badger. Oh. Rabbit? No. Hedgehog. Is it an animal? Yes.

Oh! Dog. No, she'll just tell you now. Cat? Fox, fox! Owl! Out of nowhere, a fox. Yes! Sneaked up and started dragging my skirt away into the bushes.

I've never moved faster and went straight after it. Successfully managing to retrieve my skirt, I hadn't realised it had also managed to nab one of my work shoes! Safe to say, the moment was ruined and I had to walk the rest of the way home in one shoe. Cock blocked by a fox. Fox blocked. Fox blocked. The next day I had to make up a sorry excuse to my mum about why I had to borrow her shoes for work as I'd lost one on my walk home the previous night.

I was about to shag this guy and a fox nicked me shoes. It sounds like the worst excuse for being late for something ever. Tell you what foxes man, they're getting... Well actually I take everything back what I said that's urban. Yeah? Yeah that's like... Possibly yeah, urban fox. Because the foxes are lethal round yeah. Brilliant that like, brilliant. Hilarious. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Hey Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous. Thought I'd share Rosie's mystery with you following a good friend of mine's recent date and fail.

Ooo not that mystery. She met this guy on tinder, let's call him Brad. Wow. Great name. Brad. She was wearing Brad's pin, I could have died. No. Have you seen Greasetoom? I haven't seen Greasewan.

Sorry what? I haven't seen Greas 1. Sorry, what? I haven't seen Grease 1. I've seen bits of Grease 1. It doesn't appeal to us. It doesn't appeal to us. Did I know this? Yeah, I don't see the big deal with Grease.

Are you? Oh, you. Oh, so they were together in the summer and they had a great summer and then they're at school and they're not even speaking to each other. And why they're at school, they're all about 40. They do speak to each other? They don't. He's singing with his mates, she's singing with her mates. Uh huh. About each other? Yeah. One of my mates says,

Tell me more, tell me more, did you put up a fight? Very inappropriate. Don't like him. Don't knock around him anymore. Yeah, let's go. Erm... I've never... Christ. I don't get it. Did they get back together at the end? Yeah.

Because I don't understand the issue. The flying car upset me. They do the fly off in a car at the end. Well I'm out. I'll be honest with you. Listen, that's me tapping out. No please don't. I don't want to know. Nah. Alright well I'll tell you what. Watch Grease 2 because Grease 2 is actually better.

Grease 2 is better? Honestly. In my opinion it is. I don't trust that. There's only a couple of sequels in the world that are better than the original. Grease 2 is better. Honestly, in my opinion it is. I don't trust that. There's only a couple of sequels in the world that are better than the original. Grease 2. Nah. Yep. So they get together, explain this to me first.

They're together in the summer. They have a summer together. Right, and then they go back to school and then what's the problem? No, so they have a summer together and then Sandy joins Danny's school, but Danny doesn't know and she doesn't know that he goes there and they're like, oh my God.

But they're trying to play it cool because you know, nobody. So she met the real him because it's cool. He's at high school. He's Danny Zuko and he's really cool and he's too cool for school. Right. She met lovely sort of real him in the summer and he was dead, gorgeous and blotty blot. And then she meets him and he's like got his bravado of his school and he's acting too. And she's like, why are you acting like this? Who are you? I don't know who you are.

And then she has a bit of a change and it's just, it's absolutely class. Right, okay. And that's the story. I'm still not gonna watch it. And she joins the pink ladies and he's in. Oh, she's a dinner lady? No.

Okay, right, she's met Brad on Tinder. They'd be messaging back and forth for a while and were getting on really well. She was really into him and super excited to meet him on the first date. Fast forward to Saturday night and they're getting on really well and having a ball at Peter Express. A dough ball. Oh, nice. After some carbs and a bottle of wine, he whispers that after the date, he'd like to show my mate something. Oh, God. What the fuck? Oh, fucking Christ. The amount of... Oh, God. Come on then.

Right. Is it his bowl, Zach? Is it his dough ball? Do you like his dough balls, do you? They left the restaurant, walked for five minutes before he started to get shifty. They walk into the underpass, he puts his hoodie up, tells my mate to keep a voice down because he might get recognised. He punches through the wall and shows her his... Graffiti, his tag. His tag. He's a graffiti artist and it's his tag. It's worse than that. No.

Are you ready? Yeah. He punches through the wall and shows her his... A biro scroll on the wall of a cotton balls Calls himself wanksy So original picture was shite, let's just say I will not be going the wedding of mr. And mrs. Wanksy anytime soon He's just right after Peter express He's talking to an underpass to show a cotton balls that he drew on the wall with a biro. He's just drawing. After Peter Hicks' press, he's talking to an underpass

to show a cock and balls that he drew on the wall with a biro. I just don't know whether he thinks that it's funny. I don't know. It feels like a bit of danger. I look like a bad boy. You look like a bad boy, do you? Look at this cock and balls I've drawn here

that's easily painted over. Never, I've never understood graffiti in like. I did, well, I did similar to you, to impress you. I took you up that street in South Shields where me and my dad did all the railings and I painted all the railings. Oh god that was awful. Still there. That was awful.

One street in South Shields I did all the railings on that street. Still proud of it. Still proud of it. Every time. We're friends and we live on it and every time we go down it he loves to tell us. Yep. So that's nice. Pretty good railings.

Still there. Years later. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi Rosie and Chris. Kwis? Kwis? How Kwis? Kw Chris? How Chris? Chris quick. Can't speak today. Quick.

Ick. Yeah. Quick Ick. I'm seeing a guy and whenever we are out and running to someone walking their dog he starts woofing like some kind of dog translator. Ick. That's awful. Absolutely fantastic.

That's so off-putting. By the way, why is this so impressive? So that's from Jenny and she's a Brit listening from California. Oh, isn't that? It's like literally that's class. Wow. Whenever anyone's get I live in LA, I'm like, oh, California. I'm like, wow. I mean, California is massive. She could live in it. I mean, you know, she could live in an absolute dump. It could be. It could be a boring part. I wasn't going to say a dumb bit nasty. I was going to know, she could live in an absolute dump. It could be. It could be a boring part. I wasn't going to say a dump. It's a bit nasty. I was going to say a boring bit. There's dumps everywhere.

There's dumps in college. Surely there's a dump. Oh, there'll be fucking loads. But my point is, but my point is we hear California. We go, oh, wow. We see her in my head. She's either on the beach or she's sitting on a deck chair under the Hollywood sign. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She lives down the road from Simon Cowell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. She's walking a dog with the rock. Oh, of course she is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's on set now. Rosie, she's on set in Hollywood. She's... Rosie! What's her real name? I'll check out her household. She's a full-time... She's just pulled out her headphone

and she's shouted, Everyone! DiCaprio! Damon! Come here! They've mentioned us on the podcast I love! That's what's happened. Whereas in reality,

she's probably got a very normal life. Yeah. Oh, but California. she mentioned it she brought up she's pretty back and forth why showing off here's one for the lasses whoo hi Rosie and Chris hope you and the family are well please keep me anonymous so that I can keep my job and keep a roof over my children's heads. Wow, no pressure. If you fancy a story from an NHS midwife, the story that I tell when people ask me the craziest thing I've ever seen at work, then this one's for you. Banging.

I was a first year student midwife. In brackets, as a student midwife, you have to first witness five births and then 40 and then deliver 40 babies over the three-year course to qualify. Good god. I didn't know that. Witness five so watch five births. Watch five and then be involved in 40. Yeah. Good grief. Yeah. Yeah that's nuts. Have you ever seen 10 centimetre dilated vagina? Imagine trying to have sex with a 10 centimetre dilated vagina. Wouldn't touch his eyes. Nothing would touch his eyes. Oh God, baby does. Baby does, indeed. Again, I don't know why we're so blase about childbirth.

I mean, it's probably because there's billions of them we're all here and it does happen, but I find it terrifying. I still to this day find it absolutely terrifying. It is, yeah. Try being the one doing it. I wouldn't have. No.

Is it bad? No, oh God, can you imagine? It's not bad, there's no chance. Oh my God. No. You're oh God, can you imagine? No chance. Oh my God. No. You're catastrophizing about your 40th birthday party. Imagine if you found out you were having a baby. No chance. No chance. Honestly, I don't know.

Still, hats off to him. Don't know how honest watching like I did it. Don't know how he did it. What a guy. He's talking about twins. And I hate you for it. Talk about what? Twins. Talk about twins. And I hate it if I don't. Talk about what? Twins?

Talk about what? Junior. There it is. He's talking about last action hero. He's talking about can can I go and go? What's the one where he says, I'll be back. Terminate that. Oh right.

Good God. Listen, I'm witnessing my very first birth, well and truly a rabbit in the headlights and expecting to witness a very straightforward vaginal delivery and tick off my first witness. Vaginal delivery. Labour's going well and mum gets to the point where she wants to push. Me and my mentor are spurring her on. She's doing amazing and I'm thinking this is incredible. Mentor, sorry, mentor sounds weird. I just in my head now they're standing there like a couple of Jedi. I don't get that. Just just mentor. I didn't expect that like supervisor boss So you so okay you think when you hear mentor you think of that, you know what I think of?

Yeah, the mints. Mentos fresher. Yeah, yeah you're thinking food. Fresh goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life. Mentos the fresh maker. Have you ever seen Clueless? You haven't have you? Oh god. Fucking hell. This is a sad day Sad, sad day for me, right? You have seen, I feel like you, have you, do you just not wanna admit it because you are like a young lad? Grease. No, clueless.

Never seen clueless. Is that with the car, the pink car? We've talked about this before, yeah. Yeah. Alicia Silverstone. Haven't seen it. Haven't seen Legally Blonde. Haven't seen Mean Girls,

although you are taking me to the musical. We're going to see the musical! Yeah, apparently so. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Very excited for that. Yep. My name is the Jemma George. Great.

You're gonna hate it, but I'm gonna have a really good. I don't think I'll hate it, I do like musicals. I can appreciate a musical for what it is. It's written by Tina Fey, among others, so it's gonna be phenomenal. I think it'll be great, I'll not get it, but yeah. Can we go back to this? Go on then, go on.

Okay. This is incredible, Shusane. How lucky am I to be involved in this experience? Baby, I'm sorry, this is a lady. Yes, it is, yeah, sorry. Baby's head starts to become invisible. Awful. I've never seen anything like this in my entire life.

How incredible are women? How incredible is a human body? It really is. It really is. Yeah. I'm in my element. This is absolutely the career for me. Let's meet this baby.

That's amazing. Wow. Now. Great. At university, I've always been taught that this part of labour is quite slow as the baby descends and that the slow delivery of the head is really important to avoid to avoid perineal trauma. To annoy! Start flicking it on it's forehead. Coming out! Hey coming out! Come on out! Yeah but to avoid perineal trauma which is like just... Ripping everything up. Yeah. Oh god honestly. So I'm expecting a nice slow

controlled delivery but this baby shoots out like a bullet out of a gun. Wow. Shut up again. Head and body all at once in the blink of an eye. Holy crap. Heavens to Betsy like a baby cow. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. There's blood everywhere. I'm looking around thinking what the hell have I just witnessed. That's not how I imagined it at all. I look at mum she's crying happy tears with her baby safely on her chest after bringing him into the world after a long labour. She looks at me offering her thanks. I smile and tell her she's more than welcome. My mentor has gone very quiet. She's at the business end, dealing with the placenta and the bleeding, etc. Suddenly, I feel very helpless. What can I do to help now? I'm looking around,

I'll clear up some of this blood. That can't be nice for the birthing partners and mum to see, right? Yeah, that's right. Because it is terrifying if there's blood everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm kneeling on the floor with my cleanel wipes, cleaning up the blood splatter. Then I notice something. What's that that I've just cleaned up amongst the blood? I open up the wipe to check it's not something that's falling on the floor by accident.

We might need it. What is it? Is it a bit of poo? I squish it. It's too hard for poo. Oh God. What is it? I was gonna say poo.

Yeah, it's not poo. Oh God. I don't wanna just throw it in case it's needed. Why would that be the first fucking, yeah, I'll just throw it. Yeah. In the corner of the room, we have a bin... I'll just throw it. Yeah. In the corner of the room we have a bin with a basketball hoop above it. And when we don't know what something is, we just fucking launch it at the bin.

God. It looks like body tissue. Is it a part of the placenta or something? Turns out it absolutely was needed. That thing I had cleaned up that was on the delivery room floor was now inside my wipe turned out to be her... ... ...labia.

Oh my god! Mm-hmm. It had completely detached and somehow fell off the bed and landed on the floor. Oh! I thought you were Googling labia. God! No, the fucking computer's gone at the same, oh! Yeah, full on just ripped. Just, just.

Oh! There must've been the friction of the head coming out, just literally took one of our ABF laps off. Horrendous. And then she's just buzzing. She didn't even know. She was buzzing. The man.

Yeah, because you're in so much pain, you can't feel it. That's why I always find insane you know in birth so I didn't have a vaginal birth and I went 80 now as a neighbour and then Robin would not fit. I'm in a bad way I'll be honest with you. No but apparently you know how you can just hate and people know while it's happening women say cut this cut just cut me vagina like what the hell Cut, just cut me, Vagiant. Like, what the hell? Oh no.

Heroes, we are the heroes. Traumatized. Not you, you had a C-section. Very much the villain in this story. I had a C-section with the hematoma, actually. It was very painful. Anyway, traumatized. I'm totally talking about it.

With what turned out to be her labia in my hand. I questioned my career. Surely that doesn't always happen. I've never heard of this before. I'm not cut by the way. With what turned out to be her labia in my hand. I questioned my career. Surely that doesn't always happen. I've never heard of this before. I'm not cut out for this. I stuck it out and I'm now qualified midwife working in the NHS. I can confirm this does not always happen

and was absolutely a very rare and unfortunate situation. Poor lady, great story. Yeah, I feel a bit lightheaded. Do you really? You haven't even got a labia? Well, neither she. Sorry. Oh, do you know, can I just say this really quickly? I watched a gorgeous video. I follow

a lady on Instagram and she's just had a home birth and she put a video of it on Instagram. Did you tidy this up after them? The bloke, I think. I'd be fucking raging if you wanted a home birth. Labour you're all out of the place. No, but it's just... Joking, aren't you? It's just, I think you've got to have certain kind of kids. So it was, to be fair, honestly, it was beautiful and I just think any birth's beautiful.

And it was so, I watched it now. I was crying my eyes out. It was gorgeous, right? But like our kids just kept coming in intermittently. And they were like, this was so lovely. They were like rubbing our head in that. And I was just, I just thought if that was how I get, imagine, imagine Robin if I was giving birth.

He'd be holding the iPad in front of you going, can I get this game? Mom, can I get this game? Mom, it's nine plus, but it's not you going, can I get this game? Mom, can I get this game? Mom, it's nine plus but it's not too bad, can I get this game? See, I thought the other, I mean, yeah, Raph would be like, I want milk and juice. I thought the other way,

I thought they'd be like traumatized, to be honest with you. I think our lads would be traumatized. No, because you would- Do you know what I think they would, if they saw me literally grunting like a cow on the floor, do you know what I think Ron would be like? No, you know you'd have explained it. I'll go the opposite way you would have explained it properly You just said this is what's gonna happen. Yeah completely prepared for it because you just said it's gonna happen home

They would be non-plus about it. Do you think yeah, we're gonna want to play on Mario yucks Play Mario yucks. Sorry on the switch. We've got Mario Deluxe. Do you know how long it took me to work out? He meant Deluxe. Did it? Fucking ages. I want to play Mario Yucks. I went, what's, Yucks! I was going, what?

I was going to Robin, I was going, what's he saying? He's going, Yucks, what's Mario Yucks? And I had to get all of the games and show him them. Robin's really good at understanding. I had to show him the games one by one. Like, it was fucking, like he was identifying a criminal at the police station. And that's got Mario Deluxe. And he went one by one. Like, it was fucking, like he was identifying a criminal at the police station and that's got Mario Deluxe. And he went, that one.

I don't feel, I say, I just don't feel like Robin would put up with it. So at the minute, we'll put them to bed. They're in the same, they're in our bed. Just they fall asleep in our bed. And, and Rafe's been having like night terrors at the minute. So he had a couple last night and Robin just comes down and he's literally so sick of his life He's like he's crying again. He would have been last night when he'd been crying for ages

Why but he was like why is he doing this? Why? So I don't think I would get any sympathy from Robin No you wouldn't like I say I think I know oh gosh You would have to be in the labor you all you would do is you just have to have your thumb out I think you'd be really scared for us. I think you'd be really worried about it Nope, you have to have your thumb out. And then I don't, I think he'd be really scared for us. I think he'd be really worried about us. Nope, nope. You'd have to have your thumb out like a hitchhiker so he could just press your thumbprint against his iPad thing and get whatever fucking game he wanted.

That would be it. God forbid if it's on a Monday at a bloody Friday where they're not allowed to go on them. Yeah, they'd be like, Oh, be a lot. Mom, can you not wait to have this baby tomorrow? Oh, anyway, it was gorgeous. We're going to Travelling Park!

No, we can't not today becauseie's insides will fall out. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bab We'll be back in years next week as long as we're still together. No, don't. We love each other. Give us your hand. No, give us your hand. You're trying to hold my hand? Yeah. This is not a trap? No, it's not a trap. Ah, we're holding hands.

Love you. Can you feel it? I love you too. You've got to talk these things through. That's why you've been doing... Just pulling us to that side of the table. ...beefs. You've got to air your grievances,

but then be able to come to a place of understanding. Yeah. I understand that you're catastrophised about things, and I understand that you're worried about it, but I'm just trying to say, that's ridiculous. Stop understand that you catastrophize about things and I understand that you're worried about it but I'm just trying to say that's ridiculous. Stop doing that. I look forward to having a bloody good 40th party and I'll say it to you, I'll say I told you it was gonna be fine. No you will, this is what you do. Every holiday we've ever had you sit on the lounge you hate going on holiday, you don't want to go, you don't want to be there but then we'll get there

and you have your first beer and you cheers me and go, isn't this lovely and I want to slap you there and then. Right! Good! Well, not if I've got sunburn. So... Bye!