Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 272. Disposable Kegs

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

This week, Rosie and Chris are off to London to do exciting things which they’re not allowed to talk about on the podcast, Chris has bumped into one of Rosie's old teachers at soft play and Rafe has revealed a development in our cashless society. We get an update after last week’s little argument… and the podcast also gets interrupted by the window cleaners. There are some questionable gym techniques discussed in QFTPs as well as a story from our favourite place… the GUM clinic! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Discover our other variety packs for even more flavors like papaya passion fruit, blackberry lemon and pineapple mango. This summer, bring a splash of extra to any occasion with Vizzy Heart Seltzer. Find Vizzy at a retailer near you. For more info, visit VizzyHeartSeltzer.ca. Must be legal drinking age. Hello! You're listening to Shagmiren Anoid with me Rosie and my husband Christopher. Hello! Ramsey, we are the Ramseys, collectively the Ramseys. Hello, hello, hello. It's exciting on this because we're recording actually on the day

that the last one came out. Yes. Because we've got to go down to London. Yes. You're away for extra time than me. Basically all of next week, we haven't got time to record the podcast next week. Going for two very exciting projects that we can't mention, I'm sorry.

I hate that. I really annoys me when they go, you're on this, don't tell anyone. Do you know what also annoys me though? I know exactly what you're gonna say. When other people just do. Yeah, yeah. Other people, you've been on a TV program with someone

and you're like sworn to secrecy, don't tell a soul that you're doing this. The world will, your whole family will die if you tell anybody this. And then everybody you're on with puts it on their Instagram that day. Oh they're all doing fucking Instagram lives and that. And I'm like oh sorry was it just me? Was it just me? Well do you know what though, at least we're keeping to the rules Chris. We are sticking to the rules.

I am a rule keeper you know. Rosie, they'll not get invited back. Eh? They'll not, they probably will. But listen. I'm a proper rule keeper. I've realised this, I was at the hairdresser's yesterday, and we're talking about school.

It was so funny, because it was a lot of women my age, and there was a comprehensive teacher there as well. More of just kind of like the youth of today. Do you know what I mean? But I was a proper rule keeper at school. Were you? Yeah, because I just think, if you get wrong of a teacher, keeper at school. Oh yeah. Yeah I was just because I just think if you get wrong if a teacher then you're doing something wrong. Yeah. But nowadays I think a lot of kids are

like ah you can't speak to me like that. Oh yeah. And then the moms come trudging down. Pee-doo you're a Pee-doo. Yeah the moms come down and they're like you can't speak to my kid like that and you're like well so you're you were a twat at school and now your kids are twat so it's just all the twats. but apparently yeah the teacher was saying it's just not worth it anymore really it's just not worth arguing with them Wow yeah it's just not worth it and like you know so I'm sure some kids some kid I just remember when back in my day when all this was fields I remember an adult would chase you and you would leg it you know if you're not on someone's door or you'd go ah ring that bell and they'll

chase you or you know stand on their grass and they'll come out and give you a chase. It's like oh a minute we'll get a chase now they don't move. Well I know. Now an adult chases them and they go what are you gonna do? And to be fair they've called their bluff they've smartened up to be fair. They're probably cleverer than we were because what was the adult gonna do when they caught you? Beat you up? They're a fucking adult. And can I just say as well actually I'm not talking about all the there's some absolutely lush young kids. We're talking about the outliers. We're talking about the outliers. We're just talking about the what you know.

But then there was outliers when we were kids. Yeah of course there was. There was a lad who went to my school and I seen him a few years ago actually and I always thought he was dead can you believe he got expelled right because he used to just set his tire light and signs and that. He would literally be buffing the gas all day and then he set his tie on fire one day. But I seen him a few years ago and he was like, I was dead naughty when I, I was like, yeah, you are a little twat. I mean, everyone, everyone listening,

you must all have that person who was a bit of a rogue in year seven and then they got expelled and you never saw them again. Every school's got that guy. We had a couple actually. We had a couple in my school. You had loads in your school. How?

Turned a corner at your school as but it was run when you went. I haven't even told you this. What? I was at the soft play yesterday. Your woodwork teacher pulled us aside at the soft play yesterday. Mr Barron? Yeah. Oh no, Barron was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was it? Yeah, I'm sure it was Mr Barron. He said it three times, I'm sure it was Barron. So he said, you had mentioned him on the podcast. was Mr. Barron. He said it three times, I'm sure it was Barron. Yeah, so he said, you had mentioned him on the podcast, shout out, I'm a lovely guy. He said you'd mentioned him on the podcast and you were talking about, yeah, he was your technology teacher, woodwork, and you made a wooden box. Oh, he was a really lovely teacher, actually.

He was a nice bloke, I was talking to him yesterday, he was a dead nice bloke, so his daughter listens, shout out, your dad's a lovely guy, I was talking to him softly for a bit. He taught Carl Hutchinson as well. Yes. Yeah, and I said to him, I said, I said he said yes she made a wooden box was talking about wooden box I went was it a nice wooden box you went yeah it was

really nice I went really he went yeah I went do you remember it he went no I went you're just being nice and that's nice well listen I genuinely loved you but did I join your class because the lad I fancy took it maybe we'll never know right she took woodwork to try and get some wood work oh stop it you can't see but I'm thrusting yeah but I'm looking back at 14 year old me and that's gross but yeah it didn't didn't work out and it's been as didn't you so that's horrible but thank you and no I think you know what it is there is there was some asshole teachers but there was some really mint teachers that you'll never forget. Again, have I mentioned this on here? How validated I felt when I spoke to,

obviously, Sir Ken Gibson, the knight. Don't be naming names. He's the knight of South Shields. Oh well, he's a good one though, isn't he? Yeah, Sir Ken Gibson, he's the headmaster who was, he was like deputy head, I might have even just been head of maths when I started at my comp and he took over and he cleaned the place out. You know, it was already a good school to be fair. I know you think it wasn't, but it was good. Better than Wilfie's. Rivalries.

It was a amazing school, but he took it to the next level. And then he's almost like the Gordon Ramsay of schools. He went around, that's what I nicknamed him. He went around and changed, took loads of schools from really bad to amazing. That's why he got nightmades. Do you mean Jamie Oliver?

No, Gordon Ramsay when he does kitchen nightmares. When he goes around the restaurants and kicks off. I thought I think Jamie Oliver could say like improved food in schools. No, like absolutely not. Get us talking about the mom stuff. Oh yeah. I can't talk about that. So no, what I'm talking about is he was like, you know, Gordon Ramsay goes to a restaurant and walks into the walk in freezer and fucking throws everything around. He sort of did that with schools. And I remember going back to the school and I felt so validated, because it was like all the teachers that I hated, that I just didn't like at all.

I was like, is he still here? He was like, no. He was like, we got rid of him, he was terrible. I was like, really? And I kept asking all the teachers I didn't like and didn't get on with. And he was like, we got rid of them, they were terrible. And I just felt, I was like, I feel so seen.

Because obviously I was only, you know, I was 14, 15. So I didn't have the nous about us to go, you're a fucking shit teacher by the way, mate. It was just, oh, I'm was 14, 15, so I didn't have the nous about us to go, you're a fucking shit teacher, by the way, mate. It was just, oh, I'm obviously wrong, because I'm the kid. So, you know, back to what we're talking about, about the youth of the day, maybe they've got their head screwed on a bit more.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe they do. So, there we go. Now listen, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. L-l-listenin'. Thank you. Ugh, ick. Oh, great. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Wow. Listenin', thanks for, Thanks for listenin' to this Thanks for listening. Moneypenny. Moneypenny. Thank you for listening to this week's podcast. Thank you. It is episode 272 of all numbers. Can you believe it?

272. Genuinely, we don't take it for granted that you're listening. We really do appreciate it. I know you don't want us to bang on around about it because I'm just wasting the podcast time but there it is. And please like and rate and subscribe and all your little podcast shops. But listen, this week's lucrative sponsor is very close to home.

It's very topical. It's very relevant to me. I still feel offended and triggered by it. Okay. I'm offended by myself, by my own actions. This week's lucrative sponsor is Chris Ramsey's guide to going commando. I've never gone commando before

and I accidentally had to go commando the other day and it was one of the worst days, most stressful moments of my life. Wait, right, okay. You've not told me this. Where were you? I haven't told you this. I genuinely... Why were you going commando? It sounded very unconvincing, Rosie, and that's why sometimes people think this is scribbled because that was delivered disgracefully, but you are... Oh no, sorry. No, you haven't told us this. Was it at the soft play?

No. Thank God. but you are, you genuinely don't. Sorry, no, you haven't told us this. Was it at the soft play? No. Thank God. It was, so Robin's on his school holidays, or he was last week. So he came to Jiu Jitsu with me for the day, so for the afternoon. So he sat and watched us.

He just sits on his iPad and he watches. And now I went through to the showers and I got showered at the gym because he wanted to go straight to the Metro Centre afterwards. Quick booking in the gym, in the showers? Quick booking? Quick booking.

Do you have a quick one? With who? With your friends. Oh yeah yeah all of it yeah yeah yeah awful. So we went in, I went in the shower, shit! We went in the showers, I went in the shower, I came back through and I realised I didn't bring any spare kegs. I didn't bring any spare underpants. Well what happened to the ones you had on? I did Jujitsu in them. Could not just put them back on? They were soaking wet. It was like I'd been in the shower with them. Gross. Decession, right? Absolute obsession. Oh God, penis sweat. Yeah, penis, arse crack, and bollocks sweat. The Holy Trinity. I quite like when I get off the treadmill, you know,

and I'm wearing like gray knickers and the crotch will be like wet. I'm like, get the fuck in. Sorry? Just when I've got like fanny sweat, it's like I've worked. I have worked on that treadmill. Do you know what I mean?

I don't get an ass crack. I never get an ass crack sweat. Oh, well done. I think I've got quite an inverted ass crack, but I do get crotch sweat. This gets worse and worse and worse. Hey, listen. I know what you mean.

I'm gonna get them gains. I know what you mean when you get like, yeah, when we come out with Jujitsu, sometimes there's steam coming off you. It's mad, right? Mad. Oh, it has to bring it back to himself. Yeah, always. Yeah. Well, it was my story until he came in with your sweaty crotch. So I forgot me. I realized I forgot my kegs. I was like, Oh God. So I just had to put my chinos on

just a pair of chinos. And then, you know, I was, I was devastated and I thought, Oh, this is not that. And then I was like, Oh my God, I'm going to the metro center and had to walk around the Metro Center. And yes, I've got pants on, and it's just to pay a round of pants underneath, but my God, you feel so fucking fun. Rosie, I felt like a pervert. Really?

I felt like everyone knew, I felt like I was a pervert, and I don't know why people bang on about going commando and how good at it, it was so stressful. Yeah, I get that. So here is Chris Ramsey's guide to going commando in a public place. Okay. Yeah?

Okay. So this is what you've got to do? This is what I wrote as I was walking around. Oh great. Number one, carry your bags in front of your crotch area, just in case. But you wear really loose boxers anyway, they're not keeping it in place. How dare you? I know you're wearing your lovely Y-Fronts now.

I'm a Y-Fronts guy now. Alright, okay. I'm a Y-Fronts guy. So, carry your bags just in front of your crotch, just in case. Check your fly every five seconds. Don't bend down to pick anything up. Get the person you're with to pick it up or it's gone. Don't go for a piss, because you get dribbles.

That's the main bit. You get dribbles. I came home, I had a piss, I was dribbled. Don't fart. I needed to fart for two hours at the Marathon. That would be the time, wouldn't it? That would be the time when there's only one layer. A beige Chino?

Honestly, stop going. No one out there should be going commando. It was horrible. Buy some underwear when you're at the Marriot Centre. I think I made a money. You think I'm buying underwear on the fly like some kind of bloody Johnny Hollywood? Jesus, Nip and Primerk.

I've got a bloody drawer full at home, fast fashion, check your privilege. Bloody Mrs. Disposable Kegs, I wonder where the bloody sweaty fanny you've been going on about. I nearly spat all over that laptop there and that would have cost you a lot of money. And I was gonna spend that money on kegs.

Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.

Lovely to have you back. Whatever youagged, Married, Annoyed. Lovely to have you back. Whatever you're doing, whatever you're up to. Yes, go be having a nice little day, whether you walk with the dog, whether you're jogging, whether you're just walking. Laugh in public, enjoy yourself. Enjoy this podcast. Sounds like an ad, stop it. Brought to you by Going Commando. Sorry, why are you feeling your boob? I meant to me, Nipple, what you got to tell people for? You've got nothing to say? No, you've got nothing to say. I've got something to say? No, you've got nothing to say. I have got something to say.

Well, fucking say it then. All right. Oh, just to let you all know, by the way, we're OK after last week, after our disagreement. It really, um, I'll listen to it back. It wasn't as bad, but in the moment, In the moment it felt bad. It's quite heated.

And there's sometimes, you know, we've been doing this podcast for a long time and we have shared a lot on here. We've been, we went through the pandemic. It was all a bit stressful, bloody blah, but there's times when I'm like, was that too much? But then, that's real life, isn't it? Well, rarely do I listen back.

I never listen back. We'll stop listening back, I don't anymore either. Because I feel like you can sort of end up, you know, editing it too much and stuff, but that was, I did say to Daisy, and big up to Daisy for making it not sound as blood curdling as it was, but I did say to Daisy, can you please send us an argument?

Because it sounded like, it just Cause it sounded like it just, it sounded like the kind of fight you would hear to people having outside of a pub as you drive past. There was one bit that was taken out where I genuinely called Chris the C-word in a really guttural, horrible way. So it's quite bad anyway, but we're fine now. But do you know sometimes though as well,

it's with this podcast, I love it so much. And we've done it and we'll have, but we sit, I forget people listen. Oh, a hundred percent. And then I see people in the street and they're like, hey, what happened? I'm like, oh shit. Yeah, yeah. It's worrying. It is worrying. Fuck it. Yeah.

Weirdly though, I do hope it makes people feel a bit better. I feel it does. You know, I think there's nothing more. More like, what's the word? Okay, so I'll tell you what I hate. I hate people. No, I don't hate them, but I hate them. Fucking hell, this is going well. No, but you know when people lie about their relationship. Yeah.

And they pretend that everything's fine. We never argue. Eh, we just don't have a. We never argue. I can't remember that. Eh, no, is it? And you go, oh, yeah, shove your marriage up your arse. So one of yous, I'm sorry, if you don't argue,

in my opinion, one of you years is a fucking doormat. Even if there's not a little tiny moment of a, one of years is okay, yes dear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just my opinion. That's just my opinion. I agree, no I agree. There's people out there living in complete marital bliss,

fair enough, but if you've got kids, I don't believe you, I don't believe you. I don't think you know what constitutes an argument. We very rarely scream and shout at each other, but there's words, there's tuts, there's looks. Chris, we didn't fight before we had kids. We didn't to be fair. We absolutely didn't have a crossword.

So maybe if them people then, maybe if you don't have kids and you don't fight, fair enough. No, it's people who have got kids who don't fight. But I love it when, and I don't because I never want my friends and family to go through hardships in their marriage, I genuinely don't, but sometimes, you know, when people are like, and you go, oh yes, yes, thank god, it's not just me. You feel validated don't you? You feel validated. Not everyone's yeah. I love you and maybe that's what we're doing for people. Alright. This is a weird object. I know it's just two fingers. I've made this desk bigger haven't I? But hey, we're away this weekend. Do you

want to? Eh? Do you want to? Eh? Do you want to? Eh? Sure.? Do you want to? Do you want to? Show her! Show her! Show her! Sleep in the same bed! I know. We're gonna sleep in the same bed for three nights. Three nights! Don't snore. No, I've not missed that.

I've slept so much better. I think I'm happier because you're not waking me up. Forgot to tell you, Raph was doing tennis snoring last night. Of course he was. Well, it wasn't even tennis snoring. Me and Rob were lying in the bed and Raph was doing tennis snoring last night. Of course he was. Well it wasn't even tennis snoring. Me and Robin were lying in the bed and Raph was already asleep and he was doing like, it sounded like, you know like someone pulling. It sounded like that and I was like, oh my God, he's doing his own little version of

tennis snoring. Table tennis snoring because he's only little. Just because he's little. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Speaking of our Raph, right? Something happened yesterday, which hasn't happened before in Es' new age of children, right? I haven't told you this yet.

So we're playing pizzas. He's got this little pizza oven, right? And he puts it in. It was only half a pizza, but he puts it in the box. I literally had, he gave us a new pizza 25 times, and he did this little thing. He's like, Finn, five minutes, ready in five minutes.

Bloody blah. It was a recipe, right? But I was pretending that it was money. I little thing. He was like, Finn, five minutes, ready in five minutes. Bloody blah. It was a recipe, right? But I was pretending that it was money. I was pretending. I was like, I'll pay with that, whatever. I went, oh, you haven't got a till. He went, I'll get the till. And he picked up this little pot.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And then I went, okay. I went, thank you for me pizza. Here's your money. And I went and pretended. I went to put money in. And he went, no. I went, what?

And he went, tap it. Fuck off. And I was like, oh shit. That's amazing. Shit. Tap it. So I tapped it and I went, and he went, thank you. And I thought, oh my God.

Of course. They don't see money. Yeah, of course. Wow. So him and his three year old brain, that's now a transaction. Like, what? Mad. What?

Mad that, innit? God. With With Robin but so Robin's eight now but I definitely we played with money yeah we played with money like. Well Covid stopped money basically yeah it made it sorry to mention it twice but it made money you know like the window cleaners here the day and I had to go into the car and like scrabble around for money because there's no money you don't keep money in the house. It's not a thing you do. But yeah, that's amazing. It was just so, it was just wild. I was like, Oh my God, you're talking about a card machine. You're not talking about money. When I worked in all sports. It was a bit sad actually. And I know it shouldn't be sad, but I felt- It's not sad. Things change. It is what it

is. It does. I know. But I felt like a little bit of like, I don't know. It was just, I've always role played with children or like when I was a kid with money. And food. And food. Money and food. You two favourites. Food's not gone anyway. But it was just when he was like, tap it. I was like, shit. I remember when I worked in all sports, most people came in with cash. Most people paid with cash. I was 16, 17. nearly 90% of people paid with cash. The odd person would pay on a card.

Well, because back in the day, if you were going shopping, you had to go and get cash out of the cash point. I remember once I got a load of money, I think for my birthday, or was it Christmas? Oh, it was Christmas money, I got money for Christmas. And then the day after Boxing Day, I wanted to go up to Newcastle with my friends on the metro. But obviously I was a terrified boy,

and I was always scared that I was going to get robbed and mugged on the Metro because I did get mugged a couple of times. But I went to the bank on the morning and I put the money in the bank and I just took it and I only had a card, I had a new bank card so I put the money in the bank and I was like, here you go, I've got to go open my card. And I got there and I went to buy a PlayStation game and they were like, eh? They were like, you've got no money on the card. And I went to the same version of the bank in Newcastle and they're like, oh? They were like, you've got no money on the card? And I went to the same version of the bank in Newcastle and they're like, oh, it takes 24 hours

to get in your bank. You moron. I was like, what the fuck, 24 hours for me own money to appear on my bank? That's not the case now. No, yeah, I hate shit. Remember shit like that when you were younger. Everything was a pain in the ass, wasn't it?

Wasn't it? So many friends were just a pain in the ass. So you're back to old sports, when someone would come in with a credit card or a bank card. You used to have to do the machine thing, do you remember? The swiper thing, yeah. The's this ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Was it? A couple of times people came in and paid with checks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to

fucking kill them. Oh, see, I loved it, me. So, I love a bit of paperwork, just every now and again. Pathetic. No, I just... What a stupid thing to say. You don't understand, right? When I was a kid, I used to play shops. So, you'd play these games. So, when I worked in a real shop with the real stuff, I was in the element me here When I work where did I work where there was a cat was it been chillers that ice cream parlor? There's a proper cash register and you had to like type the number in Your present and it's like and I was nice That's up there with a typewriter that you flip across to the right, yeah

So long to work out change though. Oh Counting right. Yeah. That's, yeah. Took so long to work out change though. Oh. Counting upwards. Yeah. That took ages, took us a long time to get used to that. Yeah. What's that, the Peter Kay thing in it where they put the change in the chibi,

the 71s are 82s of 82 people. Fuck, how the fuck did they do that? My God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef, what's your beef, what's your beef? Now, it's only been four days since we did the podcast, but I do have another beef.

Oh, so do I. But, you know, a light one. Light one? Well, yes, yes. Mine might spiral. It depends if you're in a fighting mood or not. Mine could spiral. No, I'm in a really lovely mood.

Okay, well we'll see if we can change that. I mean, am I in a good mood because I'm going to wait at work for a week? Because I definitely am. Back to that, I want to mention something extra in the intro. So we're doing two things. Well, you're doing a thing and I'm doing a thing with you. And it's really, I hate it when we can't announce what it is,

but they are pretty cool, pretty big. And I think people are going to be excited when they see one of them. It's going to be good. One of them were together and one of them were not. Is that all you had to say? It's not really anything else I had to say. I don't know, you can guess what it is if you want. Could have just not mentioned it again, because you're doing say? It's not really anything I had to say. I don't know, you can guess what it is if you want.

Could have just not mentioned it again because you're doing it again, what people hate. You're doing it again. All right, then okay. No, I'm gonna- Do what maybe you enjoy. Are you waving at the window cleaner? I'm not waving at the window cleaner.

No, give him a wave, he's just there. Wave. No, it's weird. No, it's weird. Oh my God, I've just realized. Can you hear him? I've just remembered something mortifying. What?

I walked into- Shh, listen. They'll not be able to hear it, Rosie. They'll not be able to hear it. These mics are directional. I don't know how many times I What? I walked in. Listen, they'll not be here. They'll not be here. These mics are directional. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. So if he knows we're in here, he knows we're in here. He's just seen us. Fuckin hell. Why are you obsessed with the window cleaner? Jesus. Been watching porn. Been watching porn. With the window cleaner. Come sticks his knob through the curtains and that. I've never seen that. Them videos. That's my favourite one. I used to

hide from my sister. I used to hide from the window cleaners. Really? When we're dead lazy, when we're like teenage slobbyers and they'd just pop up out the window and you'd have to just get under the covers of your bed. It is a weird job, innit? I bet they've seen some shit. Come and stand at the only transparent part of people's houses for a while. Yeah.

Are there like, just canny people or are there perverts? I imagine it's exactly the same percentage as normal life of pervert and normal people as the rest of society. Yeah but perverts get jobs deliberately that they can be more perverted in. I apologise to every window cleaner listening. I'm saying 50-50 though, there'll be people sometimes it's passed through families and you know yeah father to son yeah yeah once again just need a backtrack here and say she's just spit ball and she is not claiming that all window cleaners are perverts I'm claiming that the amount of pervert or window cleaners is possibly the same as the rest of society okay well so just look and he has just looked at this again not sure if those windows are fully soundproof, he may have just heard us discuss that entire thing. So that's exciting.

I would say that a larger percentage of people who are in their business are perverts. I would say that that is not cool to say, and we should apologize for it right now. I'm not apologizing. Well, I'm apologizing on behalf of both of us, and I'm the man, so it counts more. Listen, I'm gonna wipe a tit out now.

Let's see what they do. Brilliant, so I just tried to say something. One, that makes, one, one, that makes, because he heard you, you know, that's what I'm gonna wipe a tit out now. Let's see what they do. Brilliant. So I just tried to say something. One that makes, one that makes, cause he heard you. You know that sweat you're finding as you can't wait for some under boob sweat. I tried to say something sexist thing to get you angry, but you were too busy talking about wiping a tit out that you didn't hear it. I said, I apologize for both and I'm the man

so we'd count them all. So I was just- Oh, Jesus. There it is. There it is. Well, I was trying to enrage you to get you off the subject. And I'm obviously joking. Okay, well, I'm sorry.

All right then. I just do think you'd like- Stop! I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts. Here it is, here it is. Most people who are going into professions where you can be whatever, they'll do it because of that.

And I just think there'll be some people going- Total guesswork. I'm a bit of a perv. I like looking at people naked and secret secret and I'm gonna become a window cleaner So just make sure you're not got no clothes on Again, total guesswork. Apologies to all the window cleaners out there. I mean window cleaners, you know, like I know I want window cleaners.

I like I want window cleaners. Not a pervert. This doesn't fucking sound like it. I just thought there's like billions of people in the world. Definitely some pervert window cleaners. Would pervert. It doesn't fucking sound like it. Just talk to us like billions of people in the world. Definitely some pervert window cleaners. Okay. Would you have me back here? No, I'm not having you back.

I'm absolutely not having you back. Do you want a fucking, yeah. Chris. Do you like, oh, do you like having clean fucking windows? Shut up. Have the window cleaners got a union. That's what you need to worry about.

God. Because if they have we're fucked. But if, I don't know if they have. Look, bin men are already on strike. I don't know what the windows are gonna be on strike. Oh God, we're gonna be just. Christ on a bike. Our house is gonna just look the shit that's down the street. It's gonna be rubbish all over the place. The windows are gonna be scruffy. Listen I was mortified the other day right. Why? This is what I'm about to tell you about. What was the peace section? We'll do the peace but I was mortified so I walked in our local Sainsbury's and there's a security guard in it. Apparently it's the most robbed Sainsbury's in the country. Oh it is, aye? It's exactly the same.

Because it's next to the Metro line? Yeah, so they've jumped, they've run in, they've nicked and then they've run and jumped on the Metro. It's mad. Got a system. So I walked in, fair play, so I walked in and I was, my phone was on silent. I had it in my pocket because I was looking at my list and Carl Hutchinson rang because he's the only person who phones us and I walked past the security guard and the phone didn't ring and I picked up the phone and I put it here and I went you all right mate and the security guard

looked up and went you all right mate and I went and I just looked at him and I looked away and I was head down the aisle I went to Carl, Carl was just talking shit as usual I went mate I went when I said all right mate to you the with the with the security card just said you all right mate he thinks to you, the security guard just said, you're all right, mate. He thinks I said it to him and he was like, oh my God. It's not, it's mortifying. It was just mortifying. Cause then he realized I was on the phone.

So then I walked past him again and he was like in a bit of a huff cause he knew I hadn't said all right to him and the next time I went in, he didn't say, all right. There isn't, we're gonna have to move. We're not moving. You're just gonna have to find a new seat. Right, what's your beef? Come on, you do yours cause yours is lighthearted and mine could spiral into a fight, but we'll see.

I don't know what you want to pick. This is really just lighthearted, but it just does me head in. But at the same time, I do think it's quite cute. For some reason, you keep saying to Robin, our eldest son, you're me best cousin. And I don't know why that's coming back, but he's getting really pissed off with it. So you need to stop. He hates it so much.

You need to stop. He hates it so much. And I don't know why. He was asking me the idea when it started and I can't remember when it started. It's been a few months. I was saying, I was saying, aren't we best friends? And he was going, no, I was going, we are best friends. He's going, no, I'm your best cousin, aren't I?

Am I your favorite cousin? Am I your best cousin? He's going, you're not even my cousin. And it was just because it was so out there. He hated it so much. But me other new thing that I love, I've got, so we've got a photo of Robin's little cousin that we got off his dad. He got 14. Oh yeah, yeah. Abel, I've got it on there. Yes. We've got it in the kitchen. I went through a phase of every time Robin was naughty, just

picking up the photo of Abel and looking at it longingly. So I go, hey, I bet he wouldn't be doing this. What a, he's just such a good lad. I like him so much better in all this. Oh, no, because that would actually really upset Robin. Yeah, but then he sort of caught on to the joke. But then today, Robin, have I told you this? Did you see the card he gave us today? Right. I've spotted it. It was a Christmas card that said Merry Christmas. But every time it said Christmas, he's rubbed it out and said Friday.

So it's a Christmas card from our management that they gave us a bottle of wine and they gave us a Christmas card and it said Merry Christmas, it was all this. It was like, thank you for a great year, enjoy your tipple on us this Christmas or whatever. And Robbins took it and he's crossed out Christmas, and because it's Friday, he's crossed out Christmas

and he's just written Friday or else, and he's crossed out Chris and he's wrote dad, instead of a great year, he's crossed out year and he's just written Friday or else and he's crossed out Chris and he's wrote dad instead of a great year he's crossed out year and he's ruled Friday. So it's a happy Friday card, Christmas card that he's turned in Friday card. And I went, cause he's a fucking, cause he's us, cause he's our kid. And I went, oh, that's lovely that I went, I'll put it right up here next to the picture of me favorite boy. And he came around the corner expecting to see a photo of him. And obviously it was the photo of him. And he went, oh dad! Well, have we told everyone how we had a photo in the hallway but it was an old picture and

it was just me, Chris and Robin and Rafe's literally every time he went past he went, where am I? Where's Rafe? I was like, you weren't fucking born, Jesus, no, I mean that's about you. So I've had to change it to a picture of all four of us. Wow, you weren't fucking born, man, get a grip. He weren't even, yeah. Be so needy for. Listen, my beef with you is, and this has been happening forever,

and it happened again the other day, and it's just, it's the way you deliver it, right? So when I have an appointment or anything, when I've got plans of any, in any shape or form that I've already told you about you inevitably forget about them and then when you forget about them you act like it's my fault is this about your massage yeah you even phrase it you admit fault you admit fault but then you phrase it like it's my fault so

yesterday yes I had a booger massaging because I've got issues with my shoulder and my neck and stuff. Obviously going back to when you gave us a fright on the VR years ago. Can I honestly, it might not have been me, it could have been anything else. Specialist. It could have been anything. Literally the moment you gave me a fright. Was that your MRI that you had that came back with nothing? It didn't come back with nothing. It come out with nothing. There's an impingement of the nerve, there's an impingement of the nerve.

A very slight one that there's actually nothing we can do about. It happened on the VR, he's offered an injection but I'm scared. It happened on the VR when you gave me a fright and my whole arm went numb and that was it. Now since then I've been carrying a lot of tension in my shoulder, a lot of tension in my back and obviously because I'm quite active now with BJJ and my body's like, dude you're 37, why's this happening? It's not BJJ. No, you sound just like the physio that I had the sack. Sorry mate, like if you want to not be in pain don't do the thing that's causing you pain. No it's not it's just because I'm active. So it's BJJ Chris. It's not man. You've been active

for years you've been you are cycling you never had a bad back nothing so you can. It's not! You've been active for years. You've been, you were cycling and you never had a bad back. Nothing. So you can... That's not active. That's just your legs, man. It's extremely active. Stop being stupid. Listen, listen. I said, you are listening. I said, Rosie, but I've got that, I've got that, quarter past two, I've got that massage for 45 minutes. And you went, oh, I forgot about your massage. And I'm like, yeah, you're admitting fault in that sentence, but weirdly you're still blaming me that you forgot.

I'll go back to what I said before. Great. It was a half term. Brilliant. I had the children to look after and you booked a massage. You got your hair done for three hours. I had to get my hair done for telly because I can tell you right now,

if I wasn't on the telly, my hair would be shit. My hair, I would go once every three months if I wasn't on the telly, my hair would be shit. My hair, I would go once every three months if I wasn't on the telly. I hate it. I love my hairdressers to be fair, and I love going, but it takes a big chunk out of my day that I would rather not do this. Rosie, my massage was just as important,

otherwise I will be rubbish on Celebrity Ninja Warrior this weekend when we do it. We're not doing Celebrity Ninja Warrior. It's not there. It's not Celebrity Ninja Warrior this weekend when we do it. You can't... We're not doing Celebrity Ninja Warrior. It's not there! It's not, it's not Celebrity Ninja Warrior. God, it's not. Imagine me on Celebrity Ninja Warrior. They offered us it once and I was like, absolutely not.

I was like, I'd fall in the water in the first bit. No, you'd be happy. You'd actually be alright. I would be horrendous. I'd fall in the water in the first bit. But yeah, no. It's not that. But that would be fun.

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For more info, visit VizzyHartSeltzer. Find Vizzy at a retailer near you. For more info visit vizzihartselter.ca. Must be legal drinking age. I know, but still. Listen, if you want to get in touch, you're chagmironoid at gmail.com and thank you in advance for sending it and thank you to everyone who's ever sent anything in ever because you're class. Yeah, thank you. Hi Chris and Rosie. I'm listening to the podcast through again

for the third time. Wow. Wow. I tell you what. Well done. Thank you very much. That's amazing. And listening to episode 10, which I honestly.

Fucking hell. What? They're different people. Episode 10, they are different people. What of us? Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't recognise them. I would not recognise them, fuckers.

I know. Oh, I missed her. Pre-strictly for me, pre-pandemic, I mentioned it a third time, I'm so sorry. One kid. I know, I missed me. I was a lot more carefree then. No, because you were doing fuck all and whinging about it.

No, but I was just a lot... Yeah, I didn't enjoy not working, remember when I had been. But I just... No, younger and just... Oh, I don't know. Who knows? Yeah, why not, man? This has made us better, I think. Better people. Yeah, man. Got a little rafie baby. Moved on, learnt think. Better people. Yeah, man. Got a little rafie baby. Moved on, learned stuff.

Got some scars. Got some wounds that have healed. All good. Okay, so anyways, they're talking about, episode 10, we were talking about a girl's dad letting the cat in her room while her and her boyfriend were having sex. Yes, I weirdly do remember that.

Do you remember that? I remember that. And I think I have a worse story. Great. When my boyfriend and I were newly dating, we had gone away with his family to the beach for the week to celebrate his graduation from uni. And it might have had people who live inland have to go to the beach and we just take it for granted that we live at South Sheasville Beach. Oh, we massively take it for granted.

Me and Steph took the burns out the other morning just on a whim. I texted her just like, I've got rave, what you're doing. And so we went up to Roker Park, went to Seabourn Beach and then we're like, you know what? In Sunland, it was like, should we go in hours? And then we just drove 10 minutes along the coast, went in hours, went to the fair, went to two different beaches in one day. I know. Five minutes from your house. Beach slags. Check your beach privilege.

But honestly, you know, when you're like, we've had a full on like what you would go on holiday and do. Yeah. It's just brilliant where we live. I love it. If you want to come visit South Shields, honestly, it's mint. Don't bring your recycling though because they're not collected. Take it home with you. Actually take it with you. Yeah, come to ours and take some of our recycling home. Thank you. As a young and very long distant couple, we took every opportunity we could to have sex. Disgusting. I lived in the States at the time and he was in England. Oh, how exciting. Anyway.

Transatlantic bookage. Oh yeah. Anyway, on this trip, we were having a mid-afternoon romp when his mum burst into the room. They were nice, remember them. Mid-afternoon romp? Just mid-afternoon. Mid-afternoon delight.

Just like no commitments, not having to go pick anyone up, not worrying about anything. Just, you know, you could be brewing it all day, getting excited, anyway. Missed them days. We were both relatively clothed in brackets, my shorts pulled aside and his just slightly down. Yuck. What? Just yuck. Do you not like that? Sandy and beachy and all.

This is, oh my god. You've changed. You would've had a mid afternoon Rob just slid to the side. Yeah but I'm judging people. I'm not judging people. You're judging them because you're judging them in this moment right now. Yeah. Anyway. So we were able to recover quickly whilst his entire family, all his siblings

and his parents came in to read his uni results. Go and fuck off. Oh my god. So hold on. So they're having a little mid afternoon roll and the mam comes in, your uni results have arrived and the whole family come in like an intervention and he's, she's, let's be honest, I mean, you know, I don't know how big his penis is, but she's got a gape on, let's be honest here. And he's, I mean, he must have. Chris, honestly, I prefer Wydon. Right. He, Wydon, he's easily had a waistband that stiffen. I prefer why you don't right he wide on him

He's easily had a waistband that oh, yeah, yeah, it's a waistband a stick Yeah, got a wet knob yeah, and he's about to hear if he's going to uni or not Oh, he's got his uni results. Yeah, but this is where I've got two boys, right? And I just at what point do you not knock? Yeah? Sorry, we will get back shall finish I finish the story and then tell them? Finish it and then tell us what we're going to say. I'm pretty sure I was beet red. I knew the room smelled like sex. Of course it did. And my labia was still peeking out from my underwear. While his whole family piled on the bed, we

were on to congratulate him and give him hugs while we tried to squash down the boner he had just seconds earlier. I almost died. Luckily he got a 2-1 so it was worth the embarrassment but my god we've been together for almost 10 years and are married with two kids. God you stayed with him even after a 2-1. Fucking. Oh. Like losers do you? Oh.

Unbelievable. Isn't that quite good? Yeah no that's good I'm joking. I think it is. Says the man who didn't finish university. Oh no 2-2-C 2-1's like a B innit. Yeah. Yeah so first an A. First an A. 2- finish university. I know, two, two, C, two, one's like a B in it. Yeah. Yeah, so first is an A.

First is an A, two, one's a B, two, two's a C. There'll be people listening going, it's not! It is. I cannot bring myself to tell any of his family members that their innocent 2.1 achieving now father was doing in that moment. And it says, please keep me anonymous, best, a girl who got her first lowering her standards

for the two, one, nine. Told ya, I told ya, come on. In practice, he says, obviously joking. He's tall and handsome, which is why I got with him. No, just speaking of knocking on doors, my mate Steph was in my bedroom the other day, in my dressing room while just chatting, and you came upstairs and you must have needed us.

You knocked on the door, didn't you? And I went, come in, and Steph couldn't us. You knocked on the door, didn't you? And I went, come in. And Steph like couldn't believe that you knocked on the door. And then I had to explain and looked like a dick. And I had to explain to Steph that I asked you if we could knock on doors before we come in. Is that bad? Honestly, it's like living in a prison.

I live in a prison. Don't, right, be serious for a minute. Cause you did these jokes with Steph. I just, cause you told me off. Cause I always knock when you're in a room. Right. That's why it started, isn't it? I think, yeah, I think you started knocking, I was like, why are you knocking? And you were like, I just want to knock, you're like, we'll still have a bit of... But then you, you, you, you, you're full of shit though, because sometimes you say knocking stuff,

and then other times, where I'm sitting here now, the door to the studio is to me left, and then there's a little corridor, and then there's a door to a toilet, and you can see the toilet from my chair, will often in a break of recording dare I see everyone listening she'll go through she'll sit on the toilet while talking to us and then do that little meerkat face where you go oh no it's turning into a poo and I've got to get up and shut the doors. I like it when you watch his poo. Like that thing man who wasn't man it said years ago about some psycho business man halfway through meetings used to just go for a shit while he was negotiating. It wasn't Murdoch, it was the other guy.

It was Maxwell. Yeah. Robert Maxwell, Gilear Maxwell's dad. It was some fucking, yeah, it was like a power move. Like halfway through the meeting in the boardroom, he would just go and he was on sweet and start knocking the shit out of it. No, we'll get you 15 million, not a penny more.

No, I don't know. I just think it's just manners, isn't it? I suppose. And I guess all I'm saying is when the kids are older, like that, maybe not when they're younger. I'm not going in. University age, you'd knock though first, wouldn't you? I'd bang on the door and I'd go, like, can I speak, you come downstairs and when you're ready, come downstairs.

I'm, I tell you what, I'm gonna always assume that they're wanking no matter what's going on. Wanking or shagging, I'm always gonna assume. One of my ex's mom definitely walked into a bedroom whilst stuff was going on and she didn't do it again. Right. It's put it that way. And she was mortified. Who are you?

Also, you're the door, you caught the breeze, did you? Did you open the door and did it waft up your arse? Undercarriage draft there. Can't even talk about it. Smell of lasagna from the kitchen. I was a lot skinnier then, so I was a lot more exotic. I think we're just with like, just felt a lot more confident in myself,

so God knows what I was doing. I love hearing about how fit you were. I know what you could have, what you could have won. Here's what you could have won. I'm still fit now, just not, like not in the, not in the, not fit, just, oh don't. You're beautiful and I love you. See, all the, you get beautiful.

It'd be personally nice if you said that. You are bubbly, cuddly, warm, inviting, handsome. Warm. Inviting. Handsome. What was it your auntie said? I will never forget. She's got the build of her dad. Eesh, she looks like a man but she's got the build of her dad. Oh god. Oh christ. Oh brilliant. Thank you. Incredible insult. Well hey listen do you know what though. I like being me so. I like you being me. Ah thanks babe. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. What's this? Just read this now. This has only just come in the emails

whilst I'm on them. Right. Hearing about a guy in the gym wearing gardening gloves, I'll raise you, a guy I saw last month using yellow kitchen sponges to cushion his hands. What, like the scouring pads? It must be. Oh man. Wow. Need must, man.

People are just rogue at the gym, aren't they? It's crazy, innit? Honestly, it might be my favourite trend online, where someone's got a selfie thing, and it's like, the the camera's on them and it's like they're in gym gear and they'll kind of look off to the side and then it'll cut to a really funny, ridiculous gym fail video and then it'll cut back on them and they'll look again and they'll pretend that they're looking around. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a guy who does them and there's a gym one and it's like, I must have watched it six or seven times. It's so good. It's just people like just doing everything wrong. Just so wrong. But it is rogue.

Yeah, like pulling the lateral pull down, pulling down then like jumping up off the floor with it and stuff. Oh God, I love it. Honestly, the gym is one of the, I feel so self-conscious at the soft plate and I feel so self-conscious at the gym. I never do weights or anything in a big gym or anything.

I can't do it. But I understand that people want to get through it and I understand people maybe might not have the money for a gym membership and some special gloves, but taking in the fucking sponges is a no-no. I think the gym is, so it's 50-50 for me. There's 50% of people who are genuinely there to just get fit and like, do you know what I mean?

They be at the gym, blah-di-blah. And there's a 50% who would just wanna be seen. Yeah. And you watch them. Gym posers. And they do fuck all. Yeah. And you're like, I'm a very beat-proof person at the gym.

Like if I'm going, I'm gone. Do you know what I mean? Oh, so. Some people look a lot and you're like, why? What are you here for? Dare I say it, dare I say it. There's a hotel in London that we stay in sometimes when we do it.

Mate, I'm going next week, can't wait. So it's quite a nice hotel. But it's quite, it's like media there's a hotel in London that we stay in sometimes when we meet I'm going next week can't wait so it's quite a nice hotel yeah it's like media sort of trendy hotel and you have to be like a member of it and you've got yeah it's like yeah and and the gym in there fucking hell me and you go in and come out looking like we've been in a fight and everyone else is lush not a bead of sweat on them and just the. And just the fucking, the amount of people who, and I'm not a gym dude, but the amount of people who fucking walk on the incline while holding on

to the handles. I know, girls, you're really letting me down. Girls, yeah. Well, they're gonna love me next week. Because I've, for some reason, all of my t-shirts have got holes in, and I think it's from the car, I think it's from the buttons on my jeans, and the seatbelt. So all of me clothes. Oh, you've got them right in the front. I get them!

Every single t-shirt I've got so I'm taking I just look like a pure ass gruff at the gym I don't look good yeah but that's fine. Walking on incline holding the bars upsets me so much. I know darling. It upsets us so much because they're leaning back. Calm me cell down. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. There's no hello or anything here, just start off with first dates are, on the whole, awful things. Wow, that's how the email starts? That's how it starts. I like it, straight in. They really are. Statistically, most don't move to a second date and if they do, what are the odds of a third date and God forbid a decent relationship? Genuinely couldn't think of anything worse than going back into the dating world now.

Makes us want wanna die. Is that why people have open relationships? Possibly, but then it is like dating it though. No, you are dating. Yeah, I suppose so. You are dating within a marriage. Open relationship to me is just, you're just giving the other person

the full world. Permission to be single. To shag other people. Yeah, be single while being married. Like I'm saying, you're just mates and you share rent and that. Yeah, sad. It is a bit sad, isn't it? I couldn't do it. I wouldn't fancy it.

Personally, I'd tap out of that. I'm like, I'm all right. I'd rather just split up. I'd rather live on my own. Yeah, you okay? I know you get upset when we talk about anything like that. No, I'm not, I'm absolutely fine. Honestly, I couldn't think of anything worse

than dating again. And I'm so glad I wasn't on the apps or anything. If I ever think about it, you're like, oh God, yeah, I'd have to go on the apps. Oh Jesus. No, but you know what? People do meet the loves of their lives on dating apps now. It's like, that's the way you meet people.

Oh, it's the new way to do it now, yeah. I don't think it's- I just mean, I'm all right for it. Yeah, I know. I'm good. After a few weeks of swiping and messaging on Tinder, a meetup was suggested by a lovely looking lad. Decent job, dentist. And his photos looked smart, no pausing next to a tiger on a gap year of the classic blue

bamboo lads group after one too many samboogers. His first dates are going to be similar. He's going to be a dentist. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being a doctor or a dentist and having first dates with people and just being asked shit about teeth and I've got this mongol what's this are you seeing that you see in this film I think the easy would or do you think that's something people would wait until a couple of dates in like the like with the poetry well I'd seen him what's his name, man, Bryn. Rob Bryn. He's Bryn, I mean.

He knows me Bryn, yeah, yeah. He knows that I'm a massive Gavin and Stacey fan because he interviewed us and I literally. Made him do a quote from the show. I was mortified. I don't care. So anyway, I was chatting to him very briefly and I was just like, oh my God, Gavin and Stacey.

And his face just dropped and I was like, and I said, oh, loads of people have asked you this, haven't they? I feel really bad now. And he went, oh no, it's absolutely fine. Where's he from? Scarborough, I think. I'm not sure.

Anyway. What did he say about it then? He just said, yeah, looking forward to it. But, and he made us feel better because he said, yeah, I do that all the time when you ask people questions that they probably get asked a lot. He was, he's a lovely man. He's the nicest.

He's a nice man. Yeah. But I was mortified that I asked. Oh, I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I ask, because I like to think myself as quite an original thinker. And when I ask someone something, I go, you ask this all the time, don't you?

You have to say yes. I'm like, I dive it inside. I'm like, oh God, I've done it. I've fallen into the trap. I'm not good around people in this industry. People? In general, I'm just not, I think I'm too, dunno, happy. I think the thing I'm nuts. I've got no edge Chris

I've got no edge so I go and do these TV shows and I go and everyone's a bit edgy and I'm like hiya you okay and I think the thing I'm I'm a fucking prick. Right. I can't describe it. I'm sure they think that you're lovely but if they think you've got no edge just go on your notes and look at that fucking table of how many nights out I've had versus your nights out and they'll say there's some fucking edge on you let them live with you I just go a bit nice and then I think I know everyone gets the nice stuff and you come back here and the battle axe comes out unbelievable anyway so she's gone on a date with this bloke we have

I'm sorry guys we are we're We're just chatting. We digress a lot. It's just a bloody chat. I know. Oh they've got the Metro Centre. I get the Metro Centre. And I was waiting outside Nando's absolutely starving. Decent banter. He tapped his Amex card before I had a chance to pay. Pulled my chair out. This is all good stuff. Oh god. Isn't Amex good? You've got to be a certain, earn over a certain amount to have an AMEX, are you? I dunno. What's that? That's American Express. Oh, is it?

Yeah. Right. You didn't know AMEX was American Express? No, I have no fucking idea. I just feel like that. Oh, now I do. American Express. See, you can't fucking win because I feel like we could literally have a similar email with exactly the same information in it with the woman going,

fucking pull these mx out trying to be flash, pulled me chair out, I was like what year is it? I don't think you can win. Okay but you can because that person would be wrong for you but you'll meet another person who appreciates it and they'll be right for you. Fair enough. So that's you know, yeah you can't please everyone but why would you want to? Fair enough. So that's, you know, yeah you can't please everyone but why would you want to? Fair enough. Exactly mate. Gentlemanly behaviour. I think that's quite nice. Okay. This lad is lovely and has potential I thought. Oh how I did not expect the following

to occur. Oh god. Do you want to guess or do you want to? That's too open innit? How can I, what could he possibly do? Just start picking his teeth. You're a comedian, think something off the top of your head. Start picking her teeth? Was it anything to do with him being a dentist? Tell her her teeth were shit? Errr, I don't know. Right, I'll just tell you. Come on then.

Sorry. Few minutes before our food arrived, he pops to the toilet. When he comes back, I was torn between staying for chicken or making a run for it and accepting no chicken. What? When in the bathroom he had taken his teeth implant slash palate out and was sat there like a gummy old man. No way!

I ate my chicken which was fucking amazing and when he went to the toilet, obvious to put the dentures back in, I made my escape. No way! From the gummy bear and went to the odion to relax with a large rosy wine and popcorn watching an awful romcom Gummy bear is a really horrible nickname. She's just just legged it when he's gone back in the toilet put his teeth in why didn't he say something about his teeth? I don't understand so what's happening so is he busy? So is he between operations? I don't know he's a's happening? So is he busy? So? Is he between operations?

I don't know, he's obviously not a very good, well you can't dentist on yourself can you? You can't dentist on yourself! Can you? Oh god. You can it though can you? Like never get high on your own supply. You can't dentist on yourself! It's like imagine being the best plastic surgeon in the world but you can't do it on yourself can you?

I look like shit but I best plastic surgeon in the world, but you can't do it on yourself, can you? You're like, I look like shit, but I'm the best in the world. That in the first series of Grey's Anatomy where he gets punched, he stitches his own face because he's the best. He does. So there you go. McSteamy. Yeah. Yeah, so there we go. Yeah, fair enough.

Um, I don't, what, in what world does this, so he's not an old fella, he must be going to get like the proper ones where they drill them in and shit. Yeah. And he must be in between. Yeah. He really shouldn't have went to Nando's. I mean, what's he got? A fucking chicken liver? How's he chewing? But he could have got away with that. What could he have got? He could have got rice. He could have got mashed potato. He could have not went out on a date when he has to take you through a fucking food place when he has to take his teeth out.

I know. I'm not hating here if he's got something wrong or whatever, but... That's when you become like, ah... Take his teeth out. I'm not hating here if he's got something wrong or whatever. Why wouldn't you say, I'm so sorry, I'm busy doing the... It could have been funny. I could have laughed at that. I could have been like, that's hilarious. Let's have a look. Could have went and joined the juice for a fucking smoothie. I know. Could have went and spud you like and just ate the inside. If someone said to me, we've got a spud you like, I'd be like, get in. He could have had beans. Could have had a jack of a potato with beans. And then you go, why don't you like the skin?

It's the best part. You go, I don't, it doesn't agree with this. Nothing would have ever been said about his teeth. Nando's is, if you've got no teeth, that's the worst, worst fucking place to go. Them buns, they're horrors bloody. Hobbs of hell. I like the idea of everyone fucking headbutting a corn on the cob until the whole of it. Gummining a corn on the cob. Why would you not? Come on. Like I say, if he's, if it's a genuine affliction he's got, but if he's in between, if he's in between getting sorted. Yeah you would, but if he's in between getting it sorted, don't you go. I'd really love to go on a date with you but I'm in between getting it sorted.

I can't go for food. I'm in between getting something done with my teeth. I can't go for food. I'm not allowed to eat. And then he's sitting talking about what's wrong with your teeth. You'll not believe it. This, the whip out. He should have mentioned that his teeth come out. He should have 100% mentioned that. Not just come back and be like, oh what did you get? Spot the difference.

Oh how's the wings? Did you want a bad drink? Do you want to fucking put your teeth back in and tell us what's going on here? Yeah, psycho! Oh yeah, you're right actually. Fuck that, I'm never dating. If we split up, I'll be single forever. I will die alone. Unless I meet somebody, but it has to be in a nice place. If I meet them at a shit place, I'll just be like,

No, you're weird. See you later. Hi Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. So my friend has recently broken up from her boyfriend, with her boyfriend, I don't know, from her boyfriend, and has been enjoying her dating apps. She's been on three dates with this guy and really enjoyed his company.

On the fourth date, they decided to go back to his. They'd just finished having sex when he goes to her. Do you like poetry? She's like, I've never really thought about it, but it was okay at school. He started reciting poetry to her, but not just romantic poems, long verses of poems about war, crisis, just any genre you could think of. Crises? Why? Crises or crises? Crises? Is that right? Maybe? C-R-I-S-E-S. Probably. Yeah. He'd finish the poem and just go, are you ready for another round then? Oh god! They had quite a few rounds and in between each one a poem was recited. She said 10 out of 10 for the sex but couldn't do it again and have to sit through and tell her poems again. So there you go, he's ruined. He's ruined that hookup because he's reciting

his poetry. I would hate that. That is a massive, massive ache. Massive ache. But what, like? But there'd be some lasses who would love that, you know? What, yep. And guys. You know when people are drawn to each other because they just love shit like that, like I do not like poetry at all.

Awful, when we did it at school I could have cried. I like little poems. I like little cute little poems, honestly. I am and honestly there'll be people out there who already think I'm an idiot who when I say this they'll be like yeah I knew it. Fucking pointless. Absolutely shit. I fucking hate poetry to the point where I actually haven't thought about poetry for quite a while and now I'm thinking about it I'm getting quite angry. When we had to do it at school I was like fuck this. And sometimes on Instagram they'll be like. Mostly didn't rhyme.

Mostly didn't rhyme. It never rhymes. Nah. It never rhymes. Aww. It's a stupid story. On Instagram sometimes there'll be a poem and I'll read the first bit and I'll go that's nice and then there'll be another page and I'm like oh yeah you've lost it.

Nah. What an egg. But it was good. Did you ever at school, in English, English literature or whatever you have to do the poem and then it's like deconstruct what it means and it's like in one word there's like six or seven different possible meanings of things that they're taught about. I'm like oh well done he's clever as fuck but why are we doing this man? I hate this work honestly. I'll say it again. Yeah? If I really should have just been taught taxes and shit. Yeah actual stuff that would help me in life. Actual stuff that's gonna help me in life.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Teach me how to keep my attention to reply to an email. Yeah. Don't teach me about fractions. Emails weren't a thing in your school, but fair enough. Well, let us. I don't know, just.

That'll be our date now. Yeah. So, can I just say though? I'll try again. Mr. fucking Poetry here, fucking Flanders Fields, right? He has waited until he's got a captive audience. Who is Flanders Field? It's World War One Poetry.

He has waited until he had a captive audience. What do you mean? Well, they've had sex and they're there. So watch, they've been on four dates. I find that really fucking selfish. Really arrogant. It's really arrogant. Narcissistic. Massively narcissistic.

Yeah. I fuck with you. I know a poor little girl like me. Now lie there and listen. Because what you gonna do? How old would it be if she was like, go away? They've been on four dates. So you couldn't have mentioned that to fucking Nando's.

You couldn't have mentioned... I hate him. I hate him, me. Ha ha ha! Go and get him. Let's go and get him. I don't like him at all. I just feel like I would have ended up shagging this guy

and I'd have been laying there thinking, shut your stupid hole. I reckon she only shagged him in between just to stop the poetry. Yeah, to shut up. Yeah. Yeah. That is a bit irritating though because if the sex is really good, we've got to listen to the poetry.

Oh, I don't know. Depends how desperate you are, I suppose. I just think and I don't want to be... I don't want to make a sweeping sexist statement here, but it is a compliment. But I suppose it's still sexist if it's a compliment. I think women are just better mannered, just more well mannered than men. I don't know anyone, any man, but then again, no, because if a man was getting sexy, he probably would go,

oh, go on love, tell us another poem and just ignore it. And then I just, well, personally, I would go stop that. Well, I heard something. I heard something that it said men aren't as emotive as women or something like that and it's because you've never had to be. Meaning? I don't want to explain it wrong. It was just basically saying it's not everyone thinks it's like a thing where men just well

they don't they're not like it's because you've never had to be. Right. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. It's probably really wrong, but okay. We've women we're oh I don't know. I don't know I just can't imagine a world where I would go alright, okay. Yeah, yeah another poem Yeah, yeah, and like smiling and sitting and going I'm listening. Yeah, you probably might yeah I don't like so like I don I've ever been that desperate in my life. I have to be desperate.

I was in a sexual relationship with a man who was really attractive, terrible in bed, but he was so attractive to the point where my friends were actually like really involved in my relationship with him because they were like, he is lush. How is this happening? And I was just like, he's just so lush and he's wanting to have sex with me.

But the sex was so bad. And I had to like lie to them about, I told them it was good. When really it was bad. Are you uncomfortable listening to this? No, no, not at all. How was it bad? Oh God, just so bad, Chris. Just so bad. A lot of elbows. Elbows? A lot of elbows going on.

It's too fast. Just too fast. Just like slow down. Also just like... Yeah. I got you too fast, just too fast, just like slow down. Oh so just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just, oh god, just looked at him though because he was very attractive but so bad. Not very nice, not very nice guy. Right okay. Yeah, didn't really care to know much about me. How was his poetry knowledge? Oh terrible, but so good looking. Get him in the bin then. But. Oh well. So good looking. Get him in the bin then. Yeah.

Could you write a poem about how good looking he is? Yeah. Good. Probably. Good. What's his name? I'm not telling you. OK.

Let's call him Rick. Oh Rick, oh Rick, with your quick dick. Oh Rick, oh Rick, your crack makes me sick. But oh Rick, oh Rick, you are so slick. Oh Rick, oh Rick, please don't show me your dick again. Goodbye Rick. Yeah, I fucking hate poems. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi Chris and Rosie. I was talking about this story with a friend recently and thought I

had to send this in. When me and my best friend were younger, she asked me to go to the local gum clinic with her, you know, the clap clinic as we called it. Boys make that journey on their own by the way. I've been on my own. I haven't been for a long time. Oh that's, that's, yeah, that's, I mean that's, that's not something to be proud of. That should be expected. I know. I was just, it was a real big part of my life for quite a while was it not yours? Slag! So, safe slag thank you very much. No but do you not feel like you were there quite a lot because I used to get my pill there. Oh right okay I think only went twice. And I used to

get my pill there and then obviously go for checkups and I was just there it was quite a big part of my life but I haven't been for about 10 years. Adam & Kirsty Well, there we go. Kirsty Couldn't even tell you where it is. That's sad. She was really nervous. She just missed the clinic. Adam Where's my youth gone? I don't even know where the gum clinic is. I'm old. Kirsty What did I get an injection there for?

Wasn't...I've never had the injection injection. Was it an anti slap? I fainted at all. I can't remember why. Anyway, she was really nervous to go into the room and have the test. So she asked me to go in the room with her. Didn't know this could happen. She undressed from the waist down and lay on the bed.

I held her hand while I watched the nurse lube up the speculum. Do you know what a speculum is? No, but all of this story is awful. So a speculum is basically, for all the men out there who have never seen one, it's a dick shaped thing with a little clamp on the end that opens up. Right, so I don't know if I've told you this, one of the best days I ever had when I worked at the stage in my light. Brilliant. The director suite upstairs was rented out one day for some kind of company who make them or were showing people how to use them.

And they left loads of them behind in a box. And I went in and they were all there. And the lasser told us what they're for. And I was running around with one for ages. It was one of the best days I've ever had at work. How do I not know this? I don't know how I've never told you that. One of the best days ever.

And one of the girls was explaining it was that you put it in and then you open the back and it almost looks like a... Weirdly looks like a sort of reverse garlic crusher. Yeah, sort of. But long. Like a straight banana. Yeah, but clear. Yeah.

Like a hose handle. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Open the can. Consider putting it up your arse. I had a great day. Great day. Ooh, just farted there. I was like...

Mike didn't pick it up. I just did great day, great day. Ooh, just farted the other night. Mike didn't pick it up, I just did a little pump remembering it. Little happy little nostalgia pump. Do you remember when you farted the other night? You couldn't stop because we were going up to bed. And we heard Rave make a noise. This makes us sound like horrible parents, but personally for us, kind of slagging them off behind the back gets us through, right?

And we heard Rave make a noise, we both thought she was going, shut up. Like, nearly shit yourself. Anyway, okay, so she's held her hand whilst the nurse is lubed up the speculum, because her friend must be scared. FYI, my best friend and I are the type of people who laugh in awkward situations and can't control ourselves sometimes. When she inserted the lubed up speculum, the awkwardness just made me start to laugh. This in turn started off my friend to laugh.

She laughed so much she contracted her pelvic floor muscles and the speculum shot out of her vagina, across the bed and hit the nurse in the face. She had lube dripping from her nose at this point. I couldn't stop laughing and I had to leave the room. Oh that's great. Brilliant. Well done girls. That's so funny. Wow. You'd quit wouldn't you? You'd quit wouldn't you? I would. You'd quit wouldn't you?

I would. You'd quit wouldn't you? I would. You'd quit wouldn't you? I would. You'd quit wouldn't you? I would. You'd quit wouldn't you? Oh, that's great. Brilliant. Well done, girls. That is so funny. Wow. You'd quit, wouldn't you? You'd quit. I'd be really fucked off if that was me. I'd be straight to say my boss and I'd go,

that is the last fucking shift I do in the gum clinic. Because some little minger came in today and fired that speculum out of a rotten fanny right in my face. That got that stuff in my eye. I'm not going in there again. It is all. Honestly, big love to the people who look at vagis all day, because I've been actually, I'm good. I went and got my smear the other day and just made some old talk and she's just literally got a thing in my vagis. I was like, oh Jesus. And then she started chatting and was going, I know someone who lives near

you. I was like, Oh, are you going to tell them what my fanny looks like? Brilliant. Is this me life now? Oh God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagmire Noid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network.

Thank you very much. We'll be back in your ears next week. And we're off now to London to do Britain's Next Top Barista, which I've been training for on Instagram. Oh my God. Stop. Also, I'm going to be doing a video on the YouTube channel, which is called the YouTube Channel.

And I'm going to be doing a video on the top barista which I've been training for on Instagram. Also not a show but I might make it. Bye! With VisiHeart Seltzer you can follow your vibe. Whether you're looking to bring the energy to your next pre-drink with our new 7% ABV Vizzy Maxx pack or indulge in a leisurely afternoon brunch with our refreshing Mimosa pack, Vizzy has got you covered. Discover our other variety packs for even more flavors like Papaya Passion Fruit, Blackberry Lemon, and Pineapple Mango. This summer, bring a splash of extra to any occasion with Vizzy Hart Seltzer. Find Vizzy at a retailer near you. For more info, visit VizzyHartSeltzer.ca. Must be legal drinking age.