Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 273. Documenting my t*ts off!

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

This week on the podcast Chris is feeling under the weather and the pair get nostalgic about working in a shop. Chris gets mad at Soft Play Dads and Rosie shares an SMA level pooh story. Other topics up for discussion - CostCo, free stuff, protests and eating a cucumber in public. All of this plus Rosie has been busy watching documentaries. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney Plus. In Season 3, Carmy and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Iowa Deberry and Mattie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27th only on Disney Plus. If I can do this, nine months pregnant and also, oh God, it didn't take me long to do the pregnancy thing, I'm sorry. I thought that would be the first thing. But if I can, I've done this ill loads.

So you can, you're all right. You don't look, listen, I believe you that you're not well. Thank you. And as soon as we finish this, you can get yourself back to bed. Okay. I've got to go to the bank, but fair enough. I did offer to go to the bank, but apparently,

I'm not allowed. You'll ring us and you'll go there not letting us do the thing. Let us have a try. Go on, I'm in a dead good mood at the minute. Okay, well that's good. I'll go try, let me pay some shit in. Yeah, for once you can fucking carry this, because I'm only carrying it when you're miserable and I'm miserable today. Aren't we drunk at the bank? Yeah, there's no reason they shouldn't let you, but the only thing is, it's the last year.

This is when Chris is gonna fall apart here because if you were listening a few months ago, I would tell you far too much, but I was like pissed off that I wasn't on the business account so now I'm a director of the business account. Is this when I'm gonna find out that I'm actually not and you've forged documents to show me? This is when you're gonna find out that I have spent all of our earnings, every penny we've made from the podcast on Jujitsu stuff. People do that! Yeah. People do do that you know. I've got a lot of pairs of shorts in that. You've had the same gym gear. That's terrible isn't it? We actually have to wash Chris's gym gear separate, that's how disgusting it is.

You horrible little human. Keeping it real! But yeah, no, so the thing is, well yeah, you can go down and pay the bill or whatever. But yes, other than that, very brave, very brave boy. Apologies, this is going to be horrendous. Got left with, got left, that's the thing as well, this morning I was like, I'm not very well, you were like, oh okay, I'm going for a walk, and you went for a walk

and I was left with rave. I went for a walk to somewhere, I didn't just go for a walk. There was a purpose at the end. I didn't, no, I went for a walk to some way. I didn't just go for a walk. There was a purpose at the end. Got a call, got a call. But being ill with a child. It was a five mile walk. It was absolutely unnecessary.

Being ill with a child is like, I mean, they never say it, but I don't give a fuck that you're ill is very much implied in every single thing that they do. Oh yeah, I mean, listen. Everything that they do. Definitely I came back and he wasn't dressed, he was starving, bless him, and he was just sat on an iPad while you were sleeping next to him, so. Because I'm not free, Will.

It's like something out there, love, and tea. And there's you. Horrible. There's you, getting back on your little phone, oh I've done 10,000 steps for you. I'll tell you exactly how many steps I've done, guys, let's have a little look. Oh no one gives a fucking shit how many steps you've done. Do you know what, it is right, can I just say, hang on, just see, hang on. So I need to get like a Fitbit or an, I've got a Fitbit, where the fuck is my Fitbit anyway?

Oh, I don't know what, I stopped wearing it because he kept telling us to get up, do you remember? It was like, come on, get up, be active. I was like, excuse you? Who do you think you're talking to? You want a passive Fitbit, don't you? Even when you get an Apple Watch, you've got to give it a goal. Oh, Nat. So intrusive.

Jason Cook said to me, because I got an Apple Watch and he had already had one, and I said, look, mine's dead by the way, it's flat as a fart, it doesn't work. Didn't work for a couple of years and it's dead. But I said to him, what's this setting a goal thing? And he went, oh, just set it to the lowest possible. Set your movement goal to the lowest possible. And literally you get up and you go for a piss and it's like, oh, great work.

Oh, that's what I need. I need encouragement. I don't work well with them. No, you don't need encouragement. That's the thing, you don't need encouragement because you're there like, no, you're not. Because you need like completely passive, almost non-existent encouragement.

I just want fact. Yeah, you just want to know how many steps you've done. You don't want go a bit harder, push a bit harder, go on, get yourself on there. You don't, you do it all the time, you know. Chris, make sure you force us to go in the gym. Okay, you go in the gym a day. How dare you speak to me? But listen, do you want to know how many steps I've done?

No. Okay, I'm going to tell you. listen, do you want to know how many steps I've done? No. Okay, I'm gonna tell you. 10,676. So that is 7.7 kilometres and I burned 335 calories apparently. Okay. Walked for an hour and 40 minutes, quite. But do you know what people say to me? People are like, oh, I've done this many steps.

I'm like, you're just moving your arm about. I don't believe you've done that many. Because literally that's five mile walk I've just done this morning. Is it five? No, seven point seven. Yeah. And I'm like, when my friends say, and I'm like, you've been at work all day, you haven't done ten. But I think they've just had it on all day, so it's literally monitoring. So I must do loads then.

I think it's just little micro, you know, micro walks if you're getting up and going to a thing, or you know, standing on the spot moving back and forward. I'm gonna get one, because I wanna know how many I've done. Oh, good, good. I went and I did go in the Apple shop the other day, actually, when I was in London by myself, I went in the Apple shop.

Bottled it. Too busy? Bottled it. Just too much going on. I bottle it every time. Oh, why? Why do I do that? And I didn't have enough room in my suitcase

to bring it back. And then it's setting it up, I can't, what you gotta put it in, and then it's like, wipe this, I'm like, oh no! What is it? Update this. Oh, it's too much. Yeah, there's a lot of that goes on. Whenever I go in the Apple shop, I find they're either all over us

to the point of where I'm like, look, I was just coming in to kill a bit of time. Can you please leave us alone? Or I'm like, oh, I need to buy loads of stuff. And they're like, yeah, it's over there. Like, it depends. There's no middle ground in the Apple shop. They're either, suit you, sir, suit you, sir,

or why are you here, you fucking ratbag? I'll never forget when I bought a phone and it broke, brand new and I was devastated, and I took it back, and I was like, oh my God, I was like, my phone, I don't know what to do, I'm gonna run, Emily, help me, help me, I'm broke, right? And it was like one of my first ever iPhones, and there must have been, I thought they were baller as fuck because they just went, okay, no worries, they got a new one, it was like one of me first ever iPhones and there must have be I thought they were baller as fuck because they just went okay no worries

and they got a new one I was like oh jeez did I ever see anything yeah apparently I think there was loads that I'd like oh it was just a bad batch but the way that they just went in the back and they were like there you go ma'am I was like huh huh I didn't say ma'am but yeah. Like the American would say mam, but you said it exactly like you would call your mam. Here you go mam, by the way, what times T. I'll tell you when I update this phone. I told you, I must have told you once,

me mate went in for an iPad. He went in years ago when the iPads were a scheme, he went in for an iPad cover. And he went, oh, well, like, you know, looking at the different ones and went, oh, that one, like how does it fit once it's on or whatever? And the guy just ripped the iPad cover open and put it on me mate's iPad.

And me mate went, sorry, I didn't know if I definitely wanted that one. And the guy went, we've got more money in the bank than the American government. Weave like it is money. Weave like, I've got my share. I'm a prick. Honestly, no, but actually I've got my share. Honestly, no, but I'm actually I stick up for him a little bit, because something happens when you work in a shop.

It becomes your house. Yeah, like that job is literally. Nobody's done it yet. I'm waiting for someone to do. You know how everyone does TikTok sketches and they do like. No, but I'll take you. Well, OK, they do situations of like, stop, nobody's done working in a shop

and you've put the shop, shut that half down, people still wanna come in at 10 to five and you're like, you can fuck off. Don't you dig? I stand for that. When I worked in all sports in King Street and South Street people used to put the limbo under the, limbo under the shut,

I'm just after a pair of football boots, go fucking go home. You've had all day. I've been here since quarter to nine wave you no but I am that person now running in was like when you got Morrison's when you were getting absolutely hard yeah that was end of the world end of the world shit oh guys thank you so much for being here are you doing this sponsor? I don't know if that can be yours I've got a sponsor but it's fueled by hate because I'm really angry and I'm really like annoyed that I hate being ill I know I've got I've got a sponsor it was someone I because I'm really angry and I'm really like annoyed that I hate being ill. I know.

But I've got a sponsor. It was someone I saw. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I believe in you. Come on. You can go to bed after this.

You're gonna have like an hour. Keep telling you I've got to go to bed. Stop telling us I've got to go to bed. You know I've got to go to bed. Really annoying that you keep telling us I've got to go to bed. No listen, you get yourself a bit. It's episode 273. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for listening. We genuinely do appreciate it even though I feel like shit, but I appreciate it. I appreciate you very, very much. Thank you for listening. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is someone I don't appreciate. I've only seen two of them in my entire life and I saw one the other day and I was so fucking angry about it. It's Soft Place Super Dad. Hey, there he is. It's Soft Place Super Dad. Hey, he he is. It's Soft Play Super Dad. Hey, he's in there with his kid.

Oh, what you doing? He's doing a massive big convoluted game with his kid. Hey, let all the kids join in. Hey, what's this? Come on. Oh, it's okay. Don't worry. He can play.

Oh, he's no bother. He's no... It's Soft Play Super Dad. Like the fucking Pied Piper in the middle of the software with six or seven kids hanging off him. One word. Like a cross between fucking Mr. Don't. Like a cross between Mr. Tumble and a WWE wrestler. I wanted to fight. Honestly, if I didn't have rape with us, I'd have waited in the car park and I'd have smashed

his fucking face in. One word. Yeah. Ick. Yeah, ick. I thought it was going to go worse than that. I mean, I was going to say. Prick.

Something I would have to edit out. He's actually, I'll tell you right now, he's a shit dad. You reckon? He's a shit dad and he's just putting it on at the soft play. You know what it is, right? It was so irritating because loads of people were looking and looking over and giving like, oh, he's a bit much, isn't he?

But behind their eyes, there was a veil of, he's better than you though, isn't he? And I was like, I will wait in a car. If I didn't, like I say, if I didn't have rave, which I don't know why I would have been there without rave, in any scenario, at a summer, if I was a delivery guy delivering at that soft play and I saw him, I'd have waited at the call-point.

Do you know there's going to be a day in our life where we don't have to go to soft plays anymore? I remember someone, I can't remember who it was. Someone said to me once who had, they've got like two kids who are like nine and 10. And they went, oh, I don't miss soft plays like and I went, oh fuck, you don't have to go off for a while. But then when you have grandchildren, we'll be back. I mean, they're brilliant. I love a soft play.

Yeah, I'm not saying they're, they're amazing. Like it's the fact that someone at some point down the line went, hey you know you can't go in a park when it's raining. Should we just make a fucking massive one inside? Like oh hallelujah, whoever you are. And there's some mint ones around here, there's some mint ones all over the place. Our kids love them as well. Our kids are the ones who come out like dripping with sweat. They make the most. Like honestly, money's worth our kids. I'm like, lads, well done because you get the money's worth out of these soft players. Yeah. So yes. So I'm not slagging off soft players. I love a soft play. You're literally a lifesaver, but hey, soft play suit my dad. Bring it in. Mainly because you're making the

rest of us look bad. Do you know what I saw a thing? Well, I tell you what, here's a fourth wall breaker. Maybe, listener, Rosie just said something that had to be cut out, you're not sure, but I saw... Apparently I went too dark and said something about when kids get taken off their parents. But you can fill in the blanks. I saw a quote today by Keanu. I think it was attributed to Keanu Reeves and I just thought it was so good. I hope Keanu Reeves is a really good guy because everything, but maybe he's just got a really good PR company because everything that I say. But he doesn't really do PR.

Like you've not seen that video of him giving up his chair on the subway to some. Oh I mean Jesus. Yeah. I mean come on. What's he doing on the subway? The guy's worth hundreds of millions but he gives most of it away. Okay. But he gave all of his stunt team on John Wick, he got them all Rolexes.

That's lovely. But I saw a quote from him today which I was just like, oh my god that's perfect. He said, I'm at the age now where I don't want to get involved in discussions or arguments with anyone. He was like, you see one plus one's five, congratulations you're right. I like that. I quite like that way of like. I like that. That's why I can't be asked to put anything contentious in the podcast. Dorsie. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maddenoid. Just to add. You've just made a really good point. Rosie's just made a really good point while that intro was on.

In the break. Yeah. Keanu Reeves. This is so I'm sure he is a lovely man. I don't know him at all. I don't like to judge celebrities until I've actually met them. I don't judge anyone until I've met them. Yeah.

That just shows how low the bar is. For celebrities. I've actually met them. Oh, I don't know if anyone's ever met them. Yeah. That just shows how low the bar is. For celebrities. For celebrities. The fact that people, he's given up a seat on the subway and they're like, he's the best man in the world. Is that not just human sort of- It's perfect.

It shows you how low the bar is for celebrities. It is. Yeah, it really is. It really is. Just so many now. So many- There's so many fucking pricks out there. So many pricks, Chris. Oh God! Unbelievable.

Apparently... We've been on Graham Norton with a few of them. Oh God! We always end up with them. Anyway... See, Bad Boys has done well at the box office though. Good. Really well. I mean, well, okay.

He did apologize. He did come out and do a full apology. I genuinely think he was having a little bit of a breakdown. I 100% agree. I actually feel like he shouldn't have done it, but we all do stuff that we shouldn't have done. And I think as long as he's okay with Chris Rock, then, you know, it's got... And what did we...you remember when it happened? We were like...where was it? Was it the... Was it like the Oscars? Yeah, the Oscars. Yeah, the Oscars to him is like, you know...

He's local. Yeah, it's like we're going to Robin's school play at the night. That's like the Oscars to Will Smith. He's probably quite relaxed there. Yeah, he's not like best, front row. I think there was a lot more going on. But I just... I know exactly what he's broken down, what caused his breakdown.

When we were on Grim Norton, they edited it out, but I did outwrap them at one point. We did outwrap them. I did outwrap them. I did get it now. But I just, I feel like in this world of celebrity, like cancel cult, I've just finished, yesterday I watched the Janet Jackson documentary. There's a Janet Jackson documentary? Yeah. It was on, I watched it on now, but I think it was on Sky. And it was just really

interesting because she fully got cancelled after her nipple popped out at the Super Bowl. Right, cancelled? Pretty much. Yeah, they didn't let her in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame until like years later, and everything that was going on with her brother. Right.

But I was like, that's not her. It's just so, I think it's just like, you can be tarnished in real life, real life jobs. So if you work in the local supermarket, if something's happening with someone, you know, or if you shout at someone down the pub and you don't get fired from your job, I just find this work. We put such high

celebrities, I held the highest standard than fucking politicians. It's mad. Yes, yes,. Politicians are running the bastard country. Yeah. And I also watch the pure documentaries. Documentating? I don't know. I'm watching a lot of documentaries. Okay, so we'll try and phrase that again. I'm currently watching a lot of documentaries, Chris. Yeah, there you go. But I wanted to get off my tits in there.

Okay. Okay. I'm documenting myself off my tits. Anyway, I also watched an Amy Winehouse one. Eee, eee. Tragic. That poor bugger. Tragic. Honestly, so, so talented, so tragic and just, oh, what a shame. But being a, I think being in the public eye is what... Some people can't handle it. No. It fucking boils your head. It is weird. But they, I think being in the public eye is what- Some people can't handle it. No. Boils your head. It is weird. But they just, imagine we're actually,

we're really lucky because we're not anywhere near as famous as her, but nobody bothers us. I think some people get so crazy famous, so crazy quick. Like so quick. Yeah. It must be, it must be-

It's horrible, they're just following around everywhere. Going from no one knowing who you are to everyone on the street knowing who you are in the blink of an eye must be fucking terrifying. It must be like, you know, in Inception, the movie Inception where they're going to people's dreams and there's at one point where all of the characters in the dream start realising that they're not

from that dream and they're all staring at them and walking towards, it must be like that. It must be like a fucking zombie film. And don't you think money as well? Going from having nothing to just be like a multimillionaire must be in the space of a year must be fucking and I do I genuinely do feel like people need to give them a bit more of a break but you know what can you do like no one no one's ever gonna no one's ever gonna

know no no I know but but we should really because I do think it's just people but then again but then at the end of the day, like, you know, a lot of people in this industry are absolute narcissists. And they kind of bring it on themselves in ways. Oh, we've met some fucking dicks. Oh, fuck me. Listen, I'm very aware that this is a little bit

industry heavy and a little bit sort of insular. I think it's interesting, isn't it? It's interesting, but I just, and it might be getting a little bit deep, you know, we've talked about, you know, Michael Jackson's been sort of mentioned a bit. I never said his name, I said, I brother, she's got five brothers, so whatever.

You don't have to be fucking sure how combs to work I do, I told you. Who were you, who were you talking about? Fucking Jermaine! Tito! So listen, just gonna, just gonna reel her back into the world of Shagmarinoid. Interesting little thing happened to me just before this.

Two questions. One, do you get a little endorphin release when you've had a shit? Is there a little, cause I felt rubbish all morning, but I went for a quick shit before this, and for about 30 seconds after me shit, I was like, I'm better. And then it wore off.

You're gonna overanalyze this though. You're gonna take this as like, get the toxins out. I love having a shit. Yeah, I'm not gonna deny it. I do love having a shit. Great. Didn't enjoy having shit yesterday cause I get the toxins out. Yeah, I love having a shit. Yeah, I'm not going to deny it. I do love having a shit. Didn't enjoy having shit yesterday because I had the shits.

Oh, well, same. Right. So no, no, no, no, it's absolutely fine. We'll not talk about the fact that you fought on the office chair, that wee shit and shat your pants. Fuming about that still, by the way. We'll not talk about that. We'll just glaze over that. But... Guys, guys, honestly, this chair is just pumped.

On our shared office chair. That's a nice, that's an antique chair. It didn't go through. I threw me neck as I wait. Fantastic. Check your privilege. I threw them away because, right, I didn't have time to wash them. So interestingly enough, another thing I've got, I'll put a pin in what I was about to say, but last night Robin said he had a bit of a funny stomach. So we knew that you had diarrhea

and that Rafe had a bit of diarrhea. And he, last night was sitting on the toilet and he was like straining. He was actually like needing a normal bowel movement, should I say. No, he always needs a cock at bloody nine o'clock at night. But he was going, have I got diarrhea, dad? And I was going, no.

I was like, no, is it just like normal? He was like, yeah. I was like, I went, son, do you know what diarrhea is? And he went, no. And I went, right. I went, this is diarrhea, son. I went, you see that tap that taps your bum and I just turned the tap on full belt

obviously I make people laugh for a living and it's always nice when you get a crowd but when you get a proper belly laugh out of your kid It's one of the best things ever. Well he came in, he said he knows what diet. I was like, you've had diarrhea? I don't think it's something he's flagged in his brain and remembered. He might not have had it in recent years. But I was like, literally soon I was like, you don't even push. I was like, you sit on the toilet and shh, and he just couldn't believe his luck. To the point where I think he actually wants it now. But little thing, this was only supposed to be a little tiny 10 second quip and it's turned into a right poopie.

No, I mean, listen, 10 second quip, you tell everyone I shit my pants, so that's absolutely fine. I wasn't going to say that, you actually said that. But, but. You definitely said it. You said it. But into a right poopy. Ten seconds quick, you tell everyone I shit my pants, so that's absolutely fine. I wasn't gonna say that, you actually said that. But, but. You definitely said it. You said it, but you brought it up. You tatered us up for it. Interesting thing today,

while I was sitting having my pre-pod poo, there it is, me pay cubed, tried to unlock me phone while straining for a shit, phone didn't recognise me face. Oh God. That's awful. That's worse than me shitting myself. It's not.

It's not! And I didn't fully shit myself. You definitely niggas in the bin. No, because I just, they were all, they were actually period niggas. So they were past their best. God almighty. I know.

That's worse. Honestly. Yeah, honestly, I got a proper fright. I was just like, I was like, this is just a little pump and it was it wasn't and I and it was funny because I was getting questions for the podcast and I thought who am I to judge I'm just reading someone's story who am I to judge I can't judge anyone anymore so did you immediately realize or did you have that moment where you go, it can't be. No, I immediately realised because it was like a sense, like a heavy, there was no A,

it was just... Squelch. Yeah, but it wasn't loads, I stopped and I ran upstairs and I was like... Stairs, brave, very brave, we've got a toilet downstairs, I wouldn't have been tackling stairs with a pants on the carpet. Well, that's it, I'm normally quite good at holding stuff in, you know me, they really sneak up on us, but anyway, I just sat on the toilet, I was like, I'm a mess. Yeah, so, what a mess. Sticking in the diary, you now know last time you shat your pants as an adult, yesterday. Yeah. 10th of June. Oh my god, did we talk about, we talked about

me shitting my pants not long ago. Oh this is hilarious. When I was pregnant. I'm gonna, right, I'm gonna break the fourth wall I don't even care here. I'm gonna let them into the little industry secrets so. Can I just say I really, I don't shit myself all the time. Please, if you're a man and you're listening please still find us a little bit attractive. Oh that shit sailed a while ago. Are you joking me? Are you joking me? Every broke listener now considers you one of the lads. Are you fucking serious? And every woman listening is picked out a bit by me. I know, I know.

If we break up, we will die alone. We will die alone if we break up. I swear to God. I'll be like, they'll go, Oh, what do you do? I'll go, yeah, I heard in my podcast, they'll go, No, I go, don't ever listen.

This is the new version of me and I'll be, I'll just, I'll go back to pretending. But we're never going to slow up. Love you so much. So we mentioned a couple of weeks ago that now and then we mention stuff on the podcast and we get sent stuff for free. We mentioned What's It's before and they sent me loads of giant What's It's.

We mentioned Mayonnaise. They've sent loads of Mayonnaise. Wordless Originals. Thanks guys. Thank you. It's so lovely and it's nice and sometimes, well sometimes we'll actually get a photo of whatever the thing is from our management in London which is like an office that loads of people work in and it'll be like oh you know 30 bottles of mayonnaise

have arrived for you, do you want them? And we're like well no just give them to anyone in the office who needs mayonnaise for their shopping kind of thing. So we don't just take all this shit for free but anyway you know whatever it is what it is. But we mentioned that when I recorded my DVD, we mentioned the other week that I'd done a story where I'd said, you chat yourself in Nando's, but it was actually Prezzo. Yeah. Off the back of that, Prezzo got in touch and offered with some kind of

unlimited Prezzo card where you can just a Prezzo black card where you can just eat in Prezzo forever for free. Just off the back of just like I love to know what email You can just, a Prezzo black card where you can just eat in Prezzo forever, for free. Just off the back of, just like, I love to know what email circulated in that office or what meeting someone just went, PR meeting, Prezzo, they're all sitting at the table, right, what are we going to do, we need to expand into different markets. Have you heard of the podcast Shag Marinoid? Well, rumor has it that his wife, Chris Ramsey was a super comedian first, they did the podcast

together, rumor has it she shot herself in Nando's years ago. It turns out it was Prezzo! It was Prezzo! She shot herself on our premises. Get the black cards out! Fuck it like... We need her shitting herself there on a weekly basis. This is it. I mean crikey. Thank you Prezzo. Beautiful restaurant but there's not one close enough to us and we don't need it. But thank you anyway. Don't need it. I would very often. We genuinely don't. It would be a waste. It would be a total waste.

We bloody moved house and there's a restaurant, lovely restaurant off farm where we'll go every Friday night for tea. Never been once. Never been once? Haven't been once. What's wrong with you? Went one Sunday, came out, went never again. Kids, man. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef Your Beef? You first or me first? I've got a few. You've got a few? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well shall I do mine first and then you can you can pick one? Yes. I've got one. Okay. I've got one beef with you. This morning it happened. Fresh off the... Can I just quickly say something? I'm sorry. I was gonna say it. Do you want to... Should we start saying nice things to each other as well? I'm sorry. I was gonna say it. Should we start saying nice things to each other as well? Nope. Someone suggested that years ago. I know, I just feel like we're coming up to 10 years married soon and I feel like we should start. I think the

big part of marriage is sometimes being nice to each other. I think that's what making marriage works. We are nice to each other. Well I've got something nice to say to you before you do your beef. Everyone, does this sound like a trap? This is not a trap. Come on then. I really like that you're drinking pink gin with me. Why are you telling them why I'm drinking pink gin? Oh, guys, guys, just joking, guys. I drink pints of stout and only stout.

He has a pink gin with limelight on it. Ice and a slice of lemon. Hey, she's so funny. I'll say nice things about you. You're funny and I enjoy your jokes, right? Well, that's enough of your jokes. I drink pints of bitter and stout. You would die if someone gave you a pint of stout. Sometimes I have a big glass with a single ice cube in it, a small measure of scotch. You die. Listen, jokes aside, me and me scotch and I'd sit there and I'd just think about life with a shirt on.

Cry while you're drinking. Two buttons open on the shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, come on then. Fucking love Pink Gin. I know, I did actually. We've got the Maya Jamma one in a cool bottle. Oh, that's so nice.

Thanks, Pink Gin. Back to beefs. My beefs. I know, I did actually. Oh God. We've got the Maya Jamma one in a cool bottle. Oh, that's so nice. Thanks, thanks for the drink. Back to the beefs. My beef with you today, fresh off the cow's back, right? Am I the cow?

Go fuck yourself. No, it's where beef comes from. Oh. For fuck's sake. Jesus, instead of fresh off the press, it was fresh off the cow's back. Pure ham triggered. Being called a cow, pure triggered. That was the word when we were younger. Oh, it's just such a cow.

It's horrible. Cow was like the word. It's really blunt. They said it once on Backyard Grove, me mum wouldn't let me watch it again. She wouldn't let you watch it again. Listen, you are not a cow, you are bovine. I don't know. Same thing.

So you told me yesterday, quite sharply and quite angrily, Oh, is this about pancakes? Yeah, as I added pancakes to the shopping list, when I say pancakes to the shopping list, we are lazy as fuck, and we get the ready-made ones that you literally just stick on a pan for like a minute. They're delicious. They're amazing. In their defence. They're delicious. So I said we're doing the shopping list and I said all right okay yeah

pancakes for the kids for breakfast. The shopping list had already been a bone of contention by the way. Yeah but you, we've done the shopping list thing yeah but you you refuse to tell us. Just fucking because when I go to the shops I don't make you tell me what I need from the shops. So do you know what it is? If you're going to the shops. Because I'm not control freak you can't be control did I come in yesterday after you be in the shop and say anything about what was in there no cuz no because we're already the foundations because I wrote you a fucking list that's why because I gave in doesn't

like listen listen listen Linda licking Linda licking right so you said and I've written it down here and I quote Chris pancakes are just a weekend thing stop buying them stop giving kids pancakes during the week I went no problem I walked past them in the shop yesterday looked at them I went no see you Friday afternoon boys not today all right this morning I'm downstairs I got me morning text from you and Rafe up in the fucking penthouse suite. No I'm sorry. You two in this hotel that I'm running on a morning. Rafe really enjoys lying in bed with his mom watching the telly in the morning.

Honestly. We have a lovely morning. Cows the pair of you. Cows right. So this morning text a Tuesday morning I get a text, Rafe wants a pancake, you bring him a pancake. I text back, I said, there's no pancakes. You proceeded to act offended when I told you we didn't have any pancakes that I hadn't purchased on your request, on your request. I forgot, I forgot.

It's unbelievable. The man was asking for a pancake with a cheeky little slap to the face because he's beating us up on the rigs, right? And I couldn't be bothered to have him on call. I've got the text here. I've got the text. Can Raffy have some breakfast please?

Pancake, I wrote emoji. I said no pancakes. And then I wrote, open speech marks, pancake should be just a weekend thing, Chris. Close we've got tea cakes croissants bagels and toast then you wrote he's not at school doesn't make any sense is there any left just use them up I meant after those are gone I said they went yesterday you specifically told me not to buy anymore you wrote back take it and then I got upstairs and you were in a huff with us for fucking hoisting you with your own petard.

I know. Cause I just feel like, I mean, everything you actually read out there that gets such a luxurious breakfast. That's unbelievable. Like honestly. It's like a fucking five star hotel. I know, like I get strawberries in that man.

Jesus Christ. Robin this morning, Robin had a fried egg, tea cake, grapes, vitamin packed tablet and a drink of milk. They're living like the bloody Royals. It's crazy. You know when you watch Downton Abbey? George?

Yeah, when you watch Downton Abbey or you watch The Crown and someone comes in and just does them a full fucking breakfast. That's how they live. Oh my God, I love how the Royals eat, you know. Do you know they get a buffet every morning? I'm not surprised. Do you know this stuff's just like on the side

and they get little bowls and that. Imagine that. How do you know this? Because I've watched loads of documentaries and loads of like The Crown. Is that because you're do you know this? Because I've watched loads of documentaries and loads of like the current. Was that because you're currently documenting a date off? I'm not documenting a date off.

Watching the documentary about, because I just watched them without you and I start them and I think, oh, I would have enjoyed this, but you're never right. You know what it is, right? Catch me. It's gotta be, like, it's gotta be the perfect storm to catch me to watch it.

I fucking, I hate the idea of documentaries, but love nearly every single one of them that I watch. Oh, they're brilliant. But when, so I need, and I need to know, I've said this before on here, I need to know there's a resolution. Yeah. When they start, the one, the fucking, the staircase, whoever made the staircase, you owe me fucking eight or nine hours of my life back.

Did you get? Making a murderer, you owe me my life back as well. The other one with the fucking, the guys on the boat and the guy where the kid and the wife got shot on the big compound, what they call the Murda's. I want all of you, Netflix, collectively, you won't mean about fucking three days of me life back. But didn't he get found guilty though? But that's like, did he do it?

And there's no. Well, because that's life, innit? You never, they're never gonna admit it. Don't make a fucking TV, don't make a TV show about it're never gonna admit it. Don't make a fucking TV show about it then! Oh my god. Don't make a TV show about it. Alright well he wouldn't enjoy this would he Andrew? Another What's Our Name? Serial.

This is a collect call from Adnan Syed. Adnan Syed. Absolutely. So I started I've said it before, I started listening to it and I was like it doesn't sort itself out and then there was two extra episodes where she'd been to the trial and I was like oh man it like, it doesn't sort itself out. And then there was two extra episodes where she'd been to the trial. I was like, oh, man, it sort itself out.

Never sort itself out. No answers. There's enough mystery in life. I don't need to. If you do enjoy your documentary, a couple I watched recently was the Ashley Madison documentary. That was good. Do you remember that profile?

Sorry, the dating website where they just cheated. That's an interesting one. But then they gave out everyone's details. Fantastic. Just like everyone found out. That was a good documentary. And also, the TikTok. So at the minute, you're going to love this.

You know all the dancers on TikTok? You know how they just come up on their thing and they're just doing random dances to like Michael Jackson and all that shit? People. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like people. Hey, Michael Jackson's had a good episode.

I know. I know. They're part of a cult. Wow. It's a fully blown cult. Wow. Yeah. Why? I don't understand. I don't understand.

I don't know. A dancing cult. So this man who's had cults in the past, always a man, always something to do with God, and always, always, I was like, come on, it's got to do with the Tiddler. Always the Tiddler. We're three episodes in and he's asking people for massages, I was like, there he is.

There he is, there's his Tiddler. There's the Tiddler, dirty, dirty bastards. There's the Tiddler. So these people, like he sort of made this management company to just sign these dancers and kind of look after the deals for them but they weren't making any money because they were giving like 40% to him, 20% to the church, 20% to something else and then he made them all cut off from their families like your families are dead here and it's just like You've been a TikTok dancer?

Yeah, and now, and it's still happening in real life. So I spent a lot of time. Sorry, you did TikTok dancing during the pandemic. It's your main thing. You were dancing on TikTok. It was not my main thing. Thank you very much. That's offensive.

You were doing loads. Yeah, just for my own mental health reasons. Yeah, well, how come we didn't sign you? Because I'm not very good. These are really good. And I went on a deep dive of all the pages and yeah, it's just wild. Really aggressive. So they're all signed to this same guy in a cult.

A lot of them left. A lot of them left because there just came no day when they were like, I think we're in a cult. Gee whiz. But yeah, it always comes down to God and Tiddlers. Yeah, well they use the weaponized, these people weaponize religion for their Tiddlers. Well, they use the weaponized religion. These people weaponize religion for their Tiddler. Yeah. That's what it is.

Yeah. Yeah. Tiddlers shouldn't come into it. No, it's got nothing to do with religion. Tiddlers should be absolutely separate to religion, but they never are. Very much the backbone. Never see a woman being like, look this out,

I'll suck me tits for God. You don't see that, do you? It's always a Tiddler. I'm telling you right now, he's a sick, sick in the head. Look us out or suck me tits, for god. I'm not kidding, that might be the worst thing you've ever said in your life. Could you, could you, could be, thank God for Christ? That's one of the worst things I've ever heard anyone say. I'm in shock.

Like, look at how so many tits for God. Excuse me. Go on then. For God. Oh my God. Not my God. Anyway, it's a really good documentary. So, my beef with you.

Oh Christ, we're still on beefs? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Not my God. Anyway, it's a really good documentary. So my beef with you. Oh guys we're still on beefs. Oh God. I've got two. I don't know which one to do. You went pretty hard. And I didn't go pretty hard. It was you. It was pretty aggressive. Can I do two? Yes. Okay well really quickly. Oh an ill man. An ill man. Not ill. There's an ill man here. Alright well just really quickly just two. Black Eye. You got Black Eye. It's gone now

ain't it? It's still not great. Black Eye from BJJ. You're on the telly. You're on the telly. It wasn't my fault. And you've got kids. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't even, there's no punch, no kick. I was sparring and three different sparring partners in a row poke us in the same fucking eye and I said in the end I said was that a coordinated attack like if you all got together and thought let's poke this fucker in his left eye for no reason. I don't feel honestly right and I'm gonna say it because I have to say it out loud because I'm weird like this. Right. Are you part of a fight club? Is this fight club? I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Is this modern day fight club? It's the first rule I'm not allowed to talk about it. No I just I never have it's just friction it. It's the first rule. Is this modern day Fight Club? It's the first rule, I'm not allowed to talk about it. Okay. No, I just, I never have. It's just friction. It's like, you know, the one, reaching around to choke us. It's just, the patheticness though, of like, you never tell us. You didn't tell us.

So I just had to walk in and be like, what, you didn't say, oh, this happened today. You just don't tell us. Do you secretly hope that? I just don't realise, oh, this happened today. You just don't tell us. Do you secretly hope that I just don't realize? Sometimes, yeah. So if it, well, we all know, if I get injured somehow around the house, or if I'm ill from natural causes like on the day, I really don't think.

But if I hurt myself at Jujitsu, I stoically don't mention it. Oh, you don't mention it at all? Because I don't want you on me fucking back about it. I found out just a couple weeks ago, you broke your rib. I didn't know you broke it. I displaced me rib. And I'll not be doing that again. back about it. I found out just a couple of weeks ago, you broke your rib. I didn't know you broke your rib. I displaced me rib. Oh.

And I'll not be doing that again. No, it was just three people accidentally in a row, porters in the eye at Jiu Jitsu. And the most upsetting bit was obviously I had to go for an eye bath afterwards because they had had their fingers up my arse seconds previous. Great, yeah, and I just, I fell on his cock

at the weekend. Right. I'm not gonna do the other one. It's a bit intense the other one, I'll save it for next week. Oh, okay. I swear I look forward to it. Yeah, you look forward to that. Still raw.

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In season 3, Carmy and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade. A Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen-White, Iowa Deberry, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27th, only on Disney+.

Baa-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba. It's time for Questions from the Public. Questions from the Public, Public. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-public. That's you. Yes. Little bit of added on the end there. It's time for questions from the public! From the public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public Thank you to everyone who sent anything in ever. We bloody love you. We really appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Kia Ora from New Zealand. Oh gosh, don't do names, man. They'll sue with, they'll get with.

What does that mean? Kia Ora? Oh, it's not a song with someone's name. Does it just, no. I think it means hello. Be healthy, oh. Have life or be healthy. Oh, I love that.

Have life. Wishing the essence of life upon someone. Oh, I love that. Thank you very much. Kia ora, I like that. Why do New Zealanders say Kia ora? Is it greeting then? Kia ora is the drink. It is but it's spelt exactly the same. Really? Yeah. Kia ora? Yeah. Oh. Kiwis use it to say hello, good morning, good luck and take care. It's essentially an all-encompassing way to wish someone well. Well bloody hell that's lovely. Kia ora back to you. Thank you very much. Bloody Robinson squash back to you.

Love the drink. Right, bein' a yourself daft. I've spent the last year-ish catching up on your podcast and finally made it a present day last week. I decided to celebrate by sending you a story. Oh, well, thank you and what a journey you've been on. We appreciate it. Cheers. And vim, vim, no to you too.

Stop it. You're gonna run out with juices and it's just gonna be embarrassing. Hey,'t you unbongo yourself. Come on now you go anymore? Maybe. Yeah fruit shoot. That was a good one. Yeah. Anymore? Sunny Delight? Yep Nestle Ice Tea? Anymore? A couple of years ago, at the height of anti-government protests here in little old New Zealand, barely a day went past where I wouldn't pass a group of hippie-dippie tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist anti-government protesters on my commute to work. Okay, I'm just trying to work out what side of the fence you fall on there. It's hard to tell.

Don't think they like them. They were waving signs spreading ridiculous misinformation that they had gone that they had garnered from various dark and smelly corners of the internet. And I was getting sick of it. OK. Don't get drunk with me because I am quite level headed. But once I've had a drink. It's horrible when you and your mom have had a drink and you start spouting off. I do become a bit conspiracy theorist. Fucking horrible.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I just... Don't trust anyone. Yep. That's a problem. I don't trust anyone. Don't trust anyone. Oh yeah. Yeah.

The billionaires have all got bunkers, so we're all fucked. Yeah, they were all fucked. And they're the ones fucking everything. Anyway. There it is. She doesn't even like a drink. She doesn't even like a drink. Imagine that after a pink gin. Or three.

One early morning on my drive to work, I spotted a group of these protesters standing on the corner of the on-ramp to the motorway. Well, boy oh boy, that was the last straw. Why weren't these people going to crawl back under the rock they had come from? I'll show them alright. As I passed them to drive on the motorway I rolled down my window, aggressively pulled the finger and mouthed FUCK YOU as I drove past to the smiling, waving protester. As I drove up the onramp I smugly replayed what had just happened in my mind.

But something didn't feel right. Chris, Chris, Chris. Something didn't feel right. I cast my mind back to the protesters and the signs they were holding and the penny dropped with a thud. Totally separate from the anti-government conspiracy theorist protesters, our incredible primary and secondary school teachers were striking for better conditions for staff and students in our schools. So no, I had not abused a rioting anti-government crazy person but instead a hard-working member of our education system who only wants the best for all those in our

schooling system. His smiling face, making eye contact and waving cheerily at me as I turned the corner with my middle finger held aloft still haunts me to this day. I'd have had to go back. What? And say sorry? I'd have had to go back and I had to pull over and I'd go back and I'd go, I'm so sorry, there's been the government, blah, blah, blahs and I couldn't have, I couldn't have lived with that. Yeah. Amazing. There's always a lot of protesters in Sunderland. Sometimes when I drive through Sunderland, there's just a section where they're always, I don't know what they're protesting for. People are beating us. I don't think it's a bad thing. People support them, but I have no idea.

And I'm really intrigued. Okay. Just I've got no idea. I don't know what it is. I'm like what? Why don't you read the signs? Yeah, I sure shouldn't. I can't ever remember.

No, it's not fancy reading the signs. No, so I don't use my phone when I'm driving. So if I say something, if I don't do it straight away, it's gone. I don't remember it. Read I'm driving, so if I say something, if I don't do it straight away, it's gone. I don't remember it. Read it as you drive past it, you lunatic. Oh, it's too fast. What, like, what? What part of, what are we talking about? What part of something's this?

Next to the bus, no, like where they've, like next to the Stadium of Light. Oh! That little bus stop bit. Oh, okay. What are they doing? What's it for? I don't know. Oh, I'm just intrigued. Someone let us know.

This has got a good story out of it. Painful that, painful. I don't have my phone, so if I don't do it, I don't know. I just don't know. You mean if you don't make a note? Have you ever been to a protest? No, why would I do that? If I could caught the middle one, I'd be mortified.

I'd probably just lie down until I got passed. Face down on the pavement. No. No, I've never been to one. Babadoo, babadoo, bab'd be mortified. I'd probably just lie down until they got past. Face down on the pavement. No! No, I've never been to one. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Just having a little bite of my protein snack. Yeah, I've got Rosie on the protein snacks. No, I bought these myself. I got them for you, pinned you down and like putting medicine in a toddler's mouth.

I bought them from Costco. We went to Costco. Have we told them about Costco? Well, we've talked about Costco, yeah. Have we? We did mention it briefly, yeah. Sure we did. I don't think they all own a cafe, do you? I don't think anyone... I've got a funny feeling people are just going on Companies House, setting up a business for 10 quid and then going... Just to get a Costco cup.

Going to get their fucking buckets of mayonnaise. Yeah. I've never seen so much shit in one place in my life. And actually, I felt a bit guilty being there, just with like waste and just like excess and it was it was mental. I think if you've got a huge family fair enough yeah it makes sense but we went yeah we went and I was like well because I used to remember when I used to do the packages for my mom and my Nana when we would go quite often I would hope because you get like 25 apples so I'd always put some for my mom and put some for my nana, because he was eating all them stuff

before they go out with date. It's a bit mad, isn't it? I mean, you bought a fucking slab of mushrooms. I've never seen so many mushrooms in my life. Yeah, I know. You didn't use all that. I didn't know, did I? Ridiculous.

It's not even that cheap. Everyone just thinks it's like, oh, you get loads of, yeah, but it's fucking really expensive. It's good for getting like, stuff that goes out with date. expensive. It's good for getting like stuff that goes out with date. For a party. A party or stuff that goes out with date in years time. I got a slab of tuna. I'm off to buy tuna again for years.

Kitchen roll. Amazing. Bog roll. Unbelievable. I got three massive bottles of salad cream. Sorry, I'm eating. Huel drinks. I got me slab of Huel drinks. They're in date for like two years. Protein bars. Amazing. But the rest of it, craggy. 25 apples, well you got fucking rabbits, horses, chimps, horses, animals that eat apples. Oh do you know how I rave at nursery?

Apparently, because I buy red apples, I just prefer red apples and I'm at a point in my life where I work quite hard and I think I'm buying the pink ladies. Do you know what I mean? I love a pink lady. I love a pink lady. It brings joy to me life. It was at a nursery and there were green apples and he was like, I'm not eating them. Oh check your privilege son. He wouldn't eat the apples because they were green and apparently he only ate red ones. I was like, oh god.

Well to be fair though, no that's not him being a dickhead. He just hasn't got a frame of reference. He's like, what's wrong with this apple? I don't think he's ever had a green apple. Yeah, he'll be like, what the fuck's wrong with this apple? Because to be fair, he's poor little brain. He has your apple, it's not an apple. It is, it's an apple. It's not a fucking apple, love, get it away.

Most of the ones in the pictures are red actually. Yeah, I'm putting this in stuff. In his defence. Oh, I had one the other day. Privilege little trap there he is. I stayed in a hotel in London the other day and I got... Was that it? No.

Where was that? I don't know, just with various escorts and business partners of mine in different... Don't, because you live in a world where you could have access to high-end escorts. I've thought about that before. Why have you? What do you mean you've thought about that? Why have you thought about that? Because you do know randomly really famous people

who could have access to high-end escorts. That would be good, like. That would be good. Just peeping me phone out of barely ever text. You know what I mean? Hello, mate. Yeah, you haven't heard from me for five years since I met you at that random thing.

Any chance you could get us a proxy for the night? Cheers. Aye, meeting the wife on the bit of a rough patch. Aye, giving it a high. Keep shiting ourselves. Kind of going the era. I know that there'd be good ones. There'd be rough patch. I just give it I keep shiting herself kind of going the other way. No, they'd be good ones.

What? Who am I ringing? I'm not saying but they'd be nice. They'd be lovely though. They wouldn't be, you know, they'd be proper lovely women. Washed and that. Now listen. I mean, I just, you know, you could. I'm joking. Anyway, I was in. I'll be very upset. I was doing the TV show that you did on the

Monday than I did on the Thursday, but I got an apple from the gym and it was the greenest apple. It looked plastic. You took fruit from the gym for? It was in the fridge. You were loud. I know. That is another level of grim. It was a nice hotel. Gym fruit. Yeah, but think of all the sweat that's in the air. It was in a fucking fridge. Oh. No it wasn't. No it wasn't. Baines Lives.

Baines Lives. Hands are up, it was in a fridge. I got it out and I got in the taxi and the taxi driver was trying to make conversation with us and I was like, oh yeah. And when I finished, I wrapped it in a little hangie and I put it on the seat next to us and I went, mate, I went, I didn't mean to be rude there,

but I'm not joking. That was the best apple I've had in my life. And it was green and it was amazing. And he went, really a green one. I went, mate, I went, it was unbelievable. Cause he'd said previously, sorry, he'd said, what's that hotel like? And I said, I gave him my opinion on the hotel.

And then when I finished the apple, I said, honestly, stay for the apples. That's how good the apple was. I find the skin a bit thick on a green apple. This one was perfect. What kind was it then? No idea. So many different apples in the gym. God it was amazing. Gym apple, gains apple, might have had protein in. Honestly for a few chatted. Apple pro. Day in be eating the food out of the gym. Like I just. I was the only person in the gym. There was you know how it's quite a quiet hotel. Nice gym, like. Fuck, I got a lovely. Had a Peloton bike.

Peloton bike. Apple. With fruit in the fridge, like, where do you think you are? Bloody lovely. This is ridiculous. Mm-hmm. Right. I promise this is not planned at all. Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I'm a fairly new listener and trying to catch up with the

previous ones alongside the new. That's gonna fuck with your head. Yeah. Because we are, we're different people. Totally different. A guy I used to know had gone away to Scotland on holiday and was staying near a lake. Not sure. Good for him. Hey, hey, I just had a lovely, lovely holiday in Scotland. Oh lovely, I'm thinking of going to Scotland. Where did you go? Near the lake? Oh the lake, oh yeah, I'll go there next week. Nice one.

So you're lucky. Oh yeah, they're called locks, you fucking casual. He was told not to swim in the lake as there were ticks in the lake. Ticks? Yeah like what dogs get. But they're not aquatic. Chris I don't know. Does it mean leeches? I don't know but being in his early twenties he thought he knew best and went for a swim. And wouldn't there must be ticks in the lake.

Oh ticks. Are ticks aquatic? There must be ticks in the lake. Oh, ticks. Are ticks aquatic? Do ticks like water? Because ticks can live for so long underwater, you're probably asking yourself, can ticks swim? Although it would be logical to assume that they had figured out how to swim, ticks don't swim. Oh.

But they are in water. Can't you hear bullshit in there? By the way, awful that you said, are they aquatic? Like, just can they live in water? Why? Oh, sorry, should I dumb me self down about so I've upset you no I just feel who says that who says it's the quickest way oh oh fucking head chunks aquatic no no but why who says a question did you want me to write can ticks live in water I just feel I'm sorry okay okay my mistake I've never heard anyone say

living in water aquatic. That's because you hang around with fucking idiots. I've never I'm sorry anyone listening to this is gonna be like I've never heard anyone say other aquatic. It's true ticks are amazing creatures all right who can survive being submerged in water for up to two or three days but unfortunately they are not superbugs even a tick will eventually drown. Right. Right so I don't know why this person's... So no someone said there's ticks in the lakes they're aquatic so they're in the lake. Anyway he's gone for a swim he's in his early 20s. Fair enough, whatever. Go on. Take some, it's just us summing.

No, I know, but, oh, are they land lovers? You're annoyed that I've said aquatic. You're annoyed that I've showed a bit of me fucking... I'm not annoyed, but I'm telling you right now, this is not a fucking BBC Four podcast. Keep your clever shit to yourself.

Alright, just say, can't go the waterproof. BBC 4 podcast. Keep your clever shit to yourself. Okay, I apologise. Or just say, can the car go the waterproof? Can, can, can takes live in wet, wet? Can Big Lake takes live? Question mark. Google. Oh, it doesn't know what I mean. Oh, shall I just mash my fucking hand off the keyboard? Spell check? Doesn't even know what I'm eating. Yeah, I see. Should I just shit myself, Rosie?

Huh? Should I just sit here in the chair and shit myself like you do? I'd probably love you more, alright? Honestly. Don't let down. I can't believe I'm getting so much shit. Oh, shut up. I've never ever heard you say all that aquatic would be in the other ten years.

Eleven years? And I've never ever heard you refer to anything as aquatic. So I'm sorry, fucking Mr. Sea Life Centre I'm winding your neck in Mr. Sea Life Centre I've never heard you say it Bit of an ick Right listen later on in the day

Bit of an ick Later on in the day alright You ok? Don't I do a little? Can I say afternoon or is that not allowed either? Eh? Was it afternoon or evening or have I got to just say later in the day, Sun go down, down down, shadow get long, hungry me, tea time soon. You know what I mean, you know what I mean. Stop pretending, your big words. I'm really proud of Shadow getting along well. Later on in the day, he could feel something on his ball bag.

This is more my cup of tea. And immediately thought the worst. And we're back in the room. Do you mean scrotum? Yeah, I do mean scrotum. So he could feel something on his ball bag slash scrotum and immediately thought the worst. That he got a tick on his scrotum.

She didn't want to see ball bag twice. He freaked out thinking he'd have to have it removed and after panicking with what to do, he decided to ask his mum to have a look and see how bad it was. Crikey. His mum had a look and there she found. Get a mirror you fucking weirdo. She found. Yeah.

Mysteries, mysteries. Oh it's a mystery. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh so he's got something on his ball bag. He's been in a lake in a lock in Scotland. It's not a tick. Otherwise, if it was a tick, it would just be a tick. Is it a leech? It's not a leech. Not a leech. OK, give us a clue. Is it aquatic?

It's not aquatic. OK. Right use. I feel like that was the right use of it. It was the right use when I said it before. Great. It's not aquatic. Okay, so something on his ball bag. He's 21. Honestly, is it a natural occurring substance or is it a man-made substance? A man-made substance. Okay. I don't know. Okay, I'll tell you right now. His mom had a look and there she found a Granny Smith apple sticker. And I swear to God, all the apple chat was totally completely random because

this was the first one I pulled up. There you go. How did he think that was a tick? That's the most ridiculous thing. How did he get to the point of not so he must have been he must have been terrified. He must have someone said this tick thing, which is bollocks is not quite like and he must have just touched it slightly and thought, oh my God, that's what is I'm so scared. I need mommy. I need mommy to have a look. But how is the Granny Smith sticker still sticky? Because that's not quite like either. Exactly. What did she see when she said you are? fucking stupid son

embarrassed by you nice cock though Haven't seen it for years. Oh You what you just stop seeing them. I Feel like we will see our kids tiddlers. I feel like ever Love comfortable around us love having it out. And I'm sick of having bare arses on my sofa. That sofa stinks. I know. You know when my friends come over and they sit down and I'm like, oh my God.

I'm like embarrassed, Chris. Because I know that... I wouldn't like a black light over that sofa. Disgusting. They're usually out the bath though, so they have had their arse washed but... They're still suctioning their arse crack. They're like, bloody starfish. It's gross, isn't it? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Hi Chris and Rosie, long time listener, first time emailer. Hello!

Please keep me anonymous. In past episodes, there's been mention of random foods people have witnessed people eating whilst on public transport, such as whole chicken or an Easter egg. Ah, yes. Lovely. Again, comedian I used to have a bit about whilst on public transport. Such as a whole chicken or an Easter egg. Ah yes. Lovely. Again, a comedian and I used to have a bit about someone eating a plum. Oh very, very sloppy. Yeah, yeah.

Sucky. Really, really good bit. Lot of sucking. Yeah. Really funny. Oh no, absolutely not. Really funny routine. Absolutely not.

Well today, I would like to add to the list. I have just boarded a train back to my parents house and sat opposite a guy who rummaged through his bag only to pull out. Do you want to guess or should I tell you? Give us a... No, I feel if you give us a clue you're going to ruin us. He's gone in his bag, he's pulled out. I'm going to go with... I'm going to go with

just a big bit of meat, like a steak. Am I right? No. Great. You're wrong. You rummage through his bag only to pull out. I've got one more guess. No, no, because you'll guess it. Corn on the cob. No, not far off. A whole cucumber. He proceeded to pull off the rabbit and essentially deep through the cucumber to take enormous bites of it. He ate the whole thing and in brackets it's 8 a.m. and can I. Really? Guarantee. That's his thing. It's what he does, it's how he gets off. He's like right, I'm gonna eat it in front of them on the train. Yeah, I'm gonna have this up my backside. And you don't know. Yeah. And then I'm gonna put it in a little bag for the next day, then I'm gonna go on the train and I'm gonna sit and

eat it all the way. The look of it is I'm gonna go, oh you don't know. This has been up my rectum. Could have said arse, rectum, ick. Good with scientific name. I'd already said arse. Aquatic. Do you know what it is? For how cold a cucumber is straight from the fridge,

if I was necking one on the train at half eight in the morning, I'd quickly whip it up, you're asked to warm it up, get body temperature. There is a PS here, it says, PS, love the podcast, keeps me entertained on my long drives to work. I bet you wish you drove to work that day.

Who I love. Right, we don't know that it was definitely up that guy's arse. It was absolutely, I'm sorry, it's probably got a cult. It was definitely up his arse. He was eating a full cucumber at eight o'clock in the morning on the way to work. It's very strange.

So it's one of those things where even if I loved eating cucumbers, so it wouldn't- I'm not liking my cucumber. It would be less weird if he sort of chopped it up and it was just in a top of a way, wouldn't it? But eating a full one like a fucking Snickers is really strange. But why?

Isn't that interesting? Why? Well, it's like the, why is it weird if somebody is walking around with a glass of water? Yeah, good point. But it's just weird. It's just weird. Even though someone could walk around with a bottle of water

and be drinking out of that and it's not weird at all. But if someone was just standing with a glass. Put it in the glass, awful, horrendous. 100%. Murderer, you're a murderer. Yeah. 100%. You'd cross the street. So there's just something weird about eating a full cucumber. Still just hydrating. I know. But I do get where they're coming from. In a way, I can kind of understand his plight, right? Because when you're trying to be good, if you're trying to be healthy,

you might be vegan. It's hard to just kind of... A snack. Constantly snack. That's good. And he's probably just thought, I'm late. Right. Okay. Benefit the doubt. It's hard to just kind of... A snack. Constantly snack that's good and he's probably just thought, I'm late, right okay, benefit the doubt, he's not a pervert, he's late for work, loves a cucumber, he's just hiding one in his bag, didn't have to eat the full thing, bit greedy. Although it is just water, isn't it? There's literally nothing on it, yeah. I prefer it when he's had it up his arse and he knows it. Oh yeah, he has, I was just trying to be nice in case.

There it is. Yeah. There it is. Kirsty- In case their cucumber's not listening. Adam- Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Kirsty- Do do do do do do do. Adam- And they say that a hero will save us. I'm not gonna stand here and wait. I'll hold on to the wings of an eagle. Watch as they all fly

You've done so well during this podcast I actually don't think there's anything wrong with you You've been listening to Shag Marinoid which is part of the Acast creator network Thank you as always for listening Chris is a really brave boy Doesn't he go back to bed? He's fine You're fine, you've been laughing and joking

That means you're not ill For fucking time I can't go back to bed I've got to go to the pissing bank You love the bank Guys, thank you so so much for listening As I always say if you want to get in touch it's shaggedmarynoid at gmail.com and we'll be back in you ears next week and hopefully I'll be better. Oh god. Cheers everyone, bye!