Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 277. Old Prospector Ramsey

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

On this week's podcast Rosie goes through some of her old notes on her phone... she uncovers a song and a list of presents that never materialised. Plus there is some poetry and a new character from Chris. There's some Carl Hutchinson content, a gifted shot and a Peleton update. QFTP's involve ham, football manager and some quite disturbing revenge! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm Sarah Milroy, Director of the McMichael Canadian Art Collection in Kleinberg. If you love Impressionism, you'll love what we have on view this summer at the Gallery. River of Dreams, Impressionism on the St. Lawrence, features more than 150 sublime works by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the St. Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago. Buy your tickets today at mcmichael.com, home to the art of Canada. Hey everyone, we are Kat Napp from the Kat Natt Unfiltered Podcast and we're here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Ecast Creative. We recorded with

Jessie Cruickshank from her Airbnb, spoiler, it was gorgeous, we talked family, vacations, MTV gossip, and you know, just had some good old unfiltered girls time. I was raised on boy bands, so like, I always wanted the hot blonde one, and then on the hills, Brody Jenner, I was like openly thirsting for Brody Jenner at all times.

Tune in to our LA Shenanigans wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, you're listening to Shag Madden Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. And we are... Working Girls! Working hard! We are Working Girls today. We've done all of the freeing and doing some voiceover. We've done loads of stuff today.

And now we're doing the podcast. Me and you, Working Girls. Working Girls! Is that a song or have I just made that up? I think you've made that up because you said girls, I said good. Well, hard, I can't remember. No, working girls. What can we just really quit? Sorry, this has nothing to do with saying hello or anything. We've already said hello. Hello.

Okay, this morning. What more do you want? So Robin, we went to B&M the other day. Robin, sometimes I allow him to get a really unhealthy cereal. B&M is absolutely lethal for cereals like special cereals. Like your Christmas holidays and your summer holidays cereals. I don't do the lucky charm, you know the ones with the marshmallows in. I'm not doing them anymore because...

They're pre-sogged, no chance. Mate, they were like cracked, do you remember? They just wanted cereal for every, like literally every meal I was like no. Anyway, bought some golden nuggets which I haven't had for a long time. What was it that you said this morning? Because they did not get it at all. No one I'm fucking wasted So I made them their breakfast, I mean, you know, I did the normal I did some fruit They had the vitamin tablets and I did there was a tea. There was only one tea cake left

It was a pretty big tea cake. So I gave him half a tea cake I was like, you know, he's doing a full day at school. Raph's going to my mum and dad's, he'll be grazing all day. Of course, yeah. He'll not eat anything else. Alicorn and his tits off. Yeah, he'll be absolutely, yeah, just ridiculous. They gave him pasta and cheese at ten past ten the other day.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, they gave him pasta and cheese twice the other day. Why? He had it for his lunch and his tea. Why? Because he asked for it again. I hear him. I went to my dad, I said to my dad, I went, has he had any tea? I went, no, he's not having any tea yet but he had pasta and cheese for lunch. I went, right, no bother. I went to my dad, I said to my dad, is he having tea? He wasn't having tea yet, but he had pasta and cheese for lunch.

I went, right, no bother. I went, give him some tea and then bring him back. Tea for everyone listening all around the world, tea meaning dinner, you know, your evening meal. And I texted him saying, how long are you gonna be? About half an hour, 45 minutes later, how long are you gonna be? And he went, oh, he's just finishing his pasta and cheese.

And I rolled back up the text messages. I was like, motherfucker, I said two lots of cheese and pasta a day, Mr. Carb. But what? Carb kid? Just what? Say no. Unbelievable.

We need to sit them all down and just say to them, guys, just say no. Guys, remember what you used to say to us? Yeah. Who are these people? No, it's unbelievable, man. I hate them, man. Pasta and cheese twice in a day.

Anyway, this morning, so they don't know. By the way, don't hate Chris's mom and dad, but I kind of do, and also my mom. It's the way they go on. It's the giving into them, man. It's just ridiculous. Anyway, go on. So we said, Robin didn't have to have something else,

and he said he didn't want anything else, so you were like, break out the, break out, you know, to get him to have some say, or break out the golden nuggets. So I, I thought it was quite clever. I really appreciated it, but the kid went right with the kid. I stood up and I was like, well I've been prospecting and all the mining

around these parts and I've been penning and I found myself some golden nuggets. Nothing. Nothing from them? Absolutely not. It just sounds like an old prospect there. I enjoyed it. It was pathetic. I was like, what? And I was like, golden nugget. And they just looked old prospect there. I enjoyed it. I was pathetic, honest. They just went, what?

And I was like, golden nugget. And they just looked at each other and I went, the cereal from B&M. And they went, oh yeah. And then he didn't like them. So that was great. Do kids learn about minds anymore? Are they so far in the past?

Well, it's not like American Gold Rush, one night prospect and all. Yeah, I know, but I feel like I knew a lot about that from school or whatever. Or a cartoon of some description. Probably the latter. Let's be honest here. Yeah, yeah. Probably the latter. Probably's be honest here. Probably the latter.

Probably dreaming about golden nuggets. Yeah, so you didn't like them. But that's the thing, you were like... Really them? Well, well, we won't though, because you said you were like, what golden nuggets used to be amazing? Yeah, they did used to be amazing. But then the traffic light system came in and they've probably halved or maybe even,

you know... Still pretty high on the traffic light system. Yeah, aren't they all really? Aren't all serious? Mike, did you have a moment though? Like this is, I'm not trying to slay golden nuggets because listen, I love golden nuggets. Listen, a treat's a treat.

But I had a moment where they said, oh, I don't want them, I'll have cornflakes instead. And I went, oh God. Well, I've done something right. I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank Mumsnet for sponsoring this award. Yeah. I'm doing so well, being a mum. They've

chosen the less sugary series. Oh God. Listen, speaking about good choices in food, it's time to roll on to my, first of all, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening. Please continue to like and rate and subscribe and all your podcast shops and stuff. And if you get a moment, Google British podcast awards and please vote for and listen as choice. That would be nice. That would be very nice. But as for now, it is episode 277. Thank you so much. And without further ado,

it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. Now, listen, no taking the piss. This is real sponsor. Really close to my heart. On the topic of good food choices and things like that, I've teamed up with a whole host of very well known reputable supermarkets. I've teamed up with a whole host, a very well known reputable supermarket. In a bit to be a bit more sustainable,

that's all about, that's my thing. That's what I like to do. Can't apply. Do a lot of recycling. Again, our council currently aren't collecting the recycling bins. Oh, don't. So our garage is so full of recycling, it's actually mad.

Okay, I wanna know, what's everyone doing who doesn't have a garage? I think they're going to the tip. I think they're going to them sort of communal skips that everyone's got out and I think tragically I think everyone's just putting their recycling in their normal bin. Well. Which I refuse to do. But what could, but people have got no choice. I don't believe people have got no space. Guys we haven't had, honestly our bins have been so sporadically emptied since Christmas. Before Christmas. Before it's... Yeah.

Anyway listen. Nobody's taught... We're not taught about this enough. Like there was a rumour going around that we were getting our bins emptied. It was a really tragic rumour because it was very untrue and very sad. I love that. Honestly. I feel like I've seen bin lorries everywhere. Yeah but they're doing waste and they're doing green garden waste and they're doing

household waste. They're not doing recycling for some reason. They're not doing recycling. I don't know why. Anyway look again I do not like playing the celebrity card ever but honestly if you want to come and do my recycling bin men I will sign whatever the fuck you want I'll host the Ben's Park the festival all summer don't say that please come and do me bins all summer every single I am actually going because sister Sledge are gonna be there and Jason Dunham All summer. Don't say that. Please come and do me a bit. All summer. All summer. Every single, I am actually going because Sister Sledge are going to be there and Jason Dunhaman.

Anyway. J-Dog. Listen, it is in a bit to be more sustainable. This is my new range of supermarket foods. Okay. I've got to kind of do them in a little bit of the old Marks and Spencer's voice. Do you know what I mean? For this thing.

So, okay. Say what you think of these. Okay. New line of supermarket foods. Sustainability cutting down on waste. Okay, ready? Product number one, broccoli, just the stalks. What do you mean? Just the...

What's happening? What is this? What you doing? New product. You're just eating the middle bit? No, I'm selling it. It's broccoli, it's just the middle bit. You can't eat that bit, you know. We all throw it away and it's actually...we shouldn't. Just the middle bit. Why do we throw it away? We're not gonna do anymore because I'm...

Everyone throws it away, send it to me and I'm gonna sell it again in the supermarket for market value. Yeah. Ready for part number two? Kirsty & Kirsty Dipped in chocolate. Go on. Adam's Dad No, no. Just that. Adam's Dad Prones. Kirsty & Kirsty Yeah, I love prones. Adam's Dad Just the shells. Kirsty & Kirsty You could make a lobster bisque.

Adam's Dad Yeah. Kirsty & Kirsty Yeah, you could make a lovely... Adam's Dad No, there's no meat in the meat. It's just the shells. Kirsty & Kirsty Yeah, no, that's what you make it with. It's like a broth. Adam's Dad Just the shells. There's no meat inside. Kirsty & Kirsty There's no meat inside. Adam's Dad be like, there's no meat in the meat. It's just the shells. Yeah, no, that's what you make it with. It's like a broth. Just the shells. There's no meat inside. There's no meat inside. Just the shells. You saute them down with some onions and some carrots and herbs, and then you add stock and then you blend it and that's a lobster bisque.

The shells. What stock? Nvidia? Apple? Sorry? What stock? What stock you're adding? Like vegetable stock. Oh, sorry. Ready for the next one? Yes.

Pizza. Just the crust. My favourite part. Yes, it's going well. Is this meant to be bad? I just want to see what you're up for. My favourite, I always eat your crust. Okay. Ready for the next one?

Yeah. Chicken. Just the bones. Mate, have you seen me? Sucking on a bone. It's already been done. They've already been sucked clean. Oh no, thank you. Can I not make a chicken bisque?

Is that a thing? Well, you do make stock out of the bones. There it is then, there it is. Final. Yeah? Chips. Just the green bits. Oh no.

You've lost us. You've lost us. I think I'm weird like that though, you know. Do you know what my favourite part of a jackpotato is? The manky little warty bits? No, the skin. Everyone's favourite part of a jackpotato is the skin. I've told you this a million times.

Is it? The insides are cack. Oh, you're the wrong person to talk to. Anyway. Yeah. But of course the skin. Why do you think, fucking, are you stupid? Why do you think they do potato skins?

Yeah, do you know? They don't do potato middles, do they? I keep meaning to do potato skins in the air fryer, because I think they would be bloody delicious. Oh yeah. We did like tortilla bread, didn't we? We did. Cut it up in a little bit, and I sprayed it with the oil spray.

That was very nice. And some paprika and put them in the air fryer. That was very nice indeed. For some guac. That was very nice indeed. Anyway, so we're all good apart from chips, just the green bits. Yeah, we're good to go on all of them. Sign all good apart from chips, just the green bits. Yeah, we're good to go on all of them. Sign them all off. No one likes the green bits. Aaron and Cosco will take chips, just the green bits.

All right, St. Louis will be out, but Aaron and Cosco will take them. Great stuff. Just deep fry them, put some cheese on them. They'll be a la with that shit. Yeah. Love it. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed

Hello, hello, how are you? I'm good, I have just been sitting and I've got notes which I have on my phone and I also have on my laptop and it really upset us because I just realized that the go I've got 473 notes and the go back to 2013 right? Before we were even married? Yeah 5th of August 2013. And which one is that? That's your first note. So, which one's that? It says Pom-Pollux. Pom-Pollux.

Which I think is the monkey thing that I get on my fingers. Excuse me? Excuse me? What was it? It's like a herpes virus. Oh, yes. It's a type of eczema. There it is. Causes blisters.

That's that thing you used to get on your thumb. You haven't touched one for a while. Kirsty Oh gosh, that's good. I haven't been that stressed. Oh, look at me. So yeah, but whilst I was going through... Adam What's the next one? Kirsty So, well, that was 2030. Would you really want to know the next one?

Adam But the next one of, you know... Kirsty The next one is Monologue. What's this? Adam Just says Monologue. Kirsty Oh, that was a show I did. Adam's Dad Great. Kirsty A Thai Red Curry recipe. Adam's Dad Great.

Kirsty The Anastasia album, that's all it says. Oh, we bank card password. Adam's Dad There it is. Kirsty That's good. Christmas gifts. Your Christmas gift. Adam's Dad. Um, oh, Christmas gifts. Mm-hmm. Your Christmas gifts. Oh, for when? What year? 2015. Oh, what did I get?

Uh, you got a personalized pool ball. Nope, never happened. Nope. Oh, so these are what you are planning on, but you never got personalized pool ball. Yeah. Okay, that's good, and I got my pool table. What's my next ones? Come on, this is nice. Is this nice? Is it? Yeah, person nice pool ball. What else? What else? So I didn't get that because you didn't get that. I see what else you didn't follow. Plot of

land. That didn't happen. Selfie stick. I think that happened. Yeah, I did get a selfie stick. He ate it. UFC stuff. Daft calendar. That's what I wrote. Didn't get it. Jim here. No. Lego Star Wars. You got that. I got Lego Star Wars, yeah. Han Solo door poster, remember when you got that? You did get us that. I did get you that, where's that now? Never put it up, gave it away. No you didn't, you didn't even like it.

Yeah. And that's all it is. Oh, an egg pocha pan from a shop in Durham, apparently. There it is. But no, the thing that there's just loads of, loads of shite, oh my God, what is all this crap? Didn't you say you found a song that you wrote? I did, I found a song that I wrote.

Right. Hang on. I'm down a rabbit hole now with all this. I don't like looking back at stuff that old me wrote, just in case there's something I disagree with there. What's this? Oh, he was an asshole. Does chicken have a specific sauce? Like pork has apple and lamb has mint. What is chicken sauce?

What's wrong with me? You've written that in your notes? I wrote that down. Why have you wrote that in your notes? 2017, I don't know. What is chicken sauce? What's wrong with me? You've written that in your notes! Why have you written that in your notes? 2017, I don't know. What is chicken sauce? Gravy! It's not a sauce. You're a sauce, of course it's a sauce.

It's not a condiment. What's chicken's condiment? Mayonnaise. Yeah, it is, yeah. No, I wrote a song. So, I wrote this, which I find really weird. I wrote this on the 9th of October 2015. Right. And that is like 10 days before Robin was born. Yeah.

So I didn't have a child, but it's a lullaby and I've changed the words. Okay. So do you wanna hear it? 15, 18 days before Robin was born. Yeah. Okay. So this is genuine, I've never heard this.

You were just, just before we started recording, you said I found a song in me old notes and I said save it for the podcast. So here we are. It's really shit, this is gonna get cut out. I did not expect it to be good. Okay, great It's hush little baby. Don't you cry? Our mama's gonna sing you a lullaby and if that lullaby don't work Mama's gonna show you how to twerk and if that twerking just don't work how to twerk and if that twerking just don't work mama's gonna teach you how to burp if burping just simply ain't your thing mama's gonna buy you a playstation

and then it just ends with if daddy isn't happy that you stole his toy mama'll hit the roof and there's something wrong with this. And I don't know why I wrote that. What's wrong with this? Just I'm doing that thing where I've just had a little pain in my arm, so I'm lifting both my arms up to make sure I'm not having a stroke. Oh God.

I think your song was that bad. It put us into a stroke. Did you enjoy that? That was great. Mama's gonna teach you how to twerk. Yeah. Did you have your twerk? You still haven't twerked.

So many things you don't follow through on. He hasn't got a PlayStation, he can't twerk. Unbelievable. No, just doesn't make any sense. Oh wow, wow. Well, I'm glad you found that. But I wrote another one, just actually just recently. Hang on, give us two minutes.

Wow. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. So I wrote a poem. You wrote a poem. What, I'm just so inventive and some days I just do things. So that was from 2015. This is from 2024. Let's see if I've got any better.

This was the 16th of June. The bar's been set high. The bar's been set high. All right, but I think this is a poem. Okay. I can't remember if I'd had something to do. I'm just listening to this. And you've recorded this audio?

I've done this audio. When? 16th of June. The kids are in the background from that tiny little bit I've just listened to. Oh god. Ready? I don't know what it's about. Right.

My children are wonderful. You'd think I'd won them on the thunderbolt. They're not at all vulnerable as they eat me out of housing home. A poem by Rosie Ramsey. What? I've lost my mind. Out of House in Hymn, a poem by Rosie Ramsey. What? I've lost my mind. Do you like the, they eat me out of house in Hymn? Yeah, yeah. So there's a half rhyme at the end, not even a half rhyme, quarter rhyme. And then you were so pleased with yourself, you nearly forgot your surname.

I think it's because we wrote the book recently, which is a lot better than any of those things, but it rhymes. Dreadful that line. Oh God. Absolutely dreadful. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. God, babadoo ba indeed. Fucking hell.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. So we tell people quite often that we don't tell each other things, we save it for the podcast. And I've got so many things that I haven't told you. What happened with Carl? Right, so Carl Hutchinson, friend of the podcast. Right, because you've said this about three times. I mean, I know he's a total maniac. He is one of my favourite people in the world.

He's Chris's friend. Carl Hutchinson, if you've listened to the podcast more than three times, you'll have heard about Carl Hutchinson, right? He's a stand comedian, he's one of my best mates in the world, one of my longest friends. The man is a maniac. He is the oddest normal person I've ever met in my life, using the word normal very loosely there. So first of all, the thing you do know that I do want to share with everyone is I was talking to one of my other friends the other day, I'm not on Facebook Facebook but my other friend is, and Jordan. And Jordan said, oh it's Carl's birthday today.

And I text Carl and said, is it your birthday today? And Carl texted us back saying, no it's not my birthday but I was sick of getting messages on my birthday so on Facebook I changed it to two days earlier. I went, right? I went, so you get all the messages but you get them two days earlier? He went, earlier. I went right I went so you get all the messages but you get them two days earlier. He went yeah. I went why. He went I don't know I just didn't want them on my birthday. I phoned him and asked him more about it like and he went well yeah and I stopped people being able to write

on me wall but now they can just direct message you. I was like oh you're fucking shame on them trying to wish you a bit. How dare they? I forgot, how about you, Space? How dare they? I forgot, they were on people's walls. I haven't edited in so long. I didn't know the wall was still a thing. What was the other thing? So this is, this is one of the,

this is just the strangest fella. And he does things and he thinks they're absolutely fine. And I remember saying to him, I said, he told us this story and I went, are you gonna tell this on your podcast? Because I don't wanna just,, I don't wanna stay anywhere. No, because I don't feel like it's anything to write home about what I've just told you.

Is like, I don't know why you're so flabbergasted by me actions. So it was when England played on a Sunday night. So not the match just gone, the one before, I think it was the last group game. Right. Right. I went out to the pub with the lads to watch it, then I went for a curry.

You went out, see, he does go out. I'm a massive, massive football fan, always have been, always will be. Come on the lads. Now, so Carl, Carl was going to pick up a curry for him and his wife. And he was on his way to the curry shop. And it went, the game went, I think it stayed in the house to watch it and I think the game, it went to extra time so he had to leave to get the curry. This is when it went to penalties. No, not penalties, it was the one where he scored in the first minute of extra time.

He's very excited in matches, I'm watching him. because he's walking to get a curry, right? And it's now extra time. So he thinks, right, he said he wasn't in the mood to go in a pub and watch it in a pub with all the England fans when he like, he knows everyone would be doing 90 minutes worth of drinking. So the nutcase went to his local garage, he bought himself a big bottle of Asahi, and he watched it on his phone

while wearing his tracksuit pants and his tracksuit top sitting in an underpass. Wow. He sat on the floor. But he didn't have his curry at this point. No, he's going to get the curry. So he sat there with a big bottle of beer, watching the England match on his phone, no headphones, in an underpass. Okay, I don't think it's that

weird being on the fucking telly Rosie he's being on the telly and he's watching it like a teenager and apparently he said an old couple came to walk through the underpass saw him and turn around and walk away I'd like not like a teenager like something else a fucking grown man why did you have to have a bottle of beer because he's an animal because he's yeah he like, I wanted to have a pint but I didn't want to go. But why would you not go to the supermarket? Why would...sorry, why would you not go to the pub? Why would you not just pop into the pub? Why wouldn't you time your curry better? That is a very good question. The man's a psychopath. I don't think it's that bad. I think it's really bad. I've got calls back on this one. I'm not having it. That's just because you would never do that in a

million years, but I would probably do that. I would do that. I would sit and watch some ink. You would sit in an underpass and watch out for them with a drink. Sit in an underpass with a big bottle of beer. Wait, you're sitting in an underpass. Illegal. Chris, he lives in Gosfa. Still. We're not talking, you know. I know, but still. He lives in the posh part of Newcastle. You know, it's our rate. Fair enough, fair enough. Similarly on the same night when I was watching the football, I had a nightmare.

So I was in a pub near ours, right? And it looked like we're gonna lose or draw or whatever. And, or not look like we're gonna lose until the last minute. And the lady who owns the pub came around and she gave everyone a shot, but it was, uh, she said, yes, this is to drown your sorrows. It was, um, it was some kind of tequila caffeinated coffee espresso tequila shot. Sound like my worst nightmare. And it sounds like if I had it, I'd have been up until six in the morning.

Now I know this pub doesn't have Jägermeister. So I went, Oh, do you not have Jägermeister? Because I'd heard someone tried water one before and kick off that they didn't have Jägermeister. She went, no, I don't. I was like, Oh, that's a shame. They're the only shots I drink. So don't worry. I'll just not have one. Not trying to look like a party pooper. She fucking went to the pub down the road and got as a Jägermeister and came back and went look I got that down the road for me because it's your favourite I fucking hate Jägermeister you know what I could have cried right okay this is not no disrespect to this lady because she's

not alone why do people fall shots on people it's unbelievable I hate we've talked about this before yeah I hate shots even though I have to say I went out on Sunday. Bladdered. You were bladdered. Guys, guys, it was not in a good way but I had such a good night. But I think, you know when you're like, why was I so drunk? I definitely remember downing straight pink gin. Yeah well that'll do it, that'll do it.

Is it as strong as actual gin? Pink gin? Yeah. I've got, I mean, I doubt it's far off. But is it the same as just down in gin? Because I definitely, because it was much easier to drink. Well, yes, it's got the flavouring in, but I imagine it's normal gin with just the, I don't think they've took any of the alcohol out. I mean, I might be wrong here. There might be, it might be

slightly weaker. Oh, I couldn't think of anything worse than straight gin. Anyway, listen, there's another part of the story. So I'm sitting in this pub. Do you know you could just like, I've pretended to drink shot loads. I've poured them in, plant and everything. It's not a very big pub. There was no way to put it. I was right in the corner in the other bar. I had to drink it.

I was absolutely devastated. However, in the pub, there was some people who I sort of just know through sort of speaking to, and they had a little tiny dog with them. It was a... Did you give it the dog? No, I didn't fucking give it the dog. Oh my God. No. It was so lush.

It was a, what they're called them, like a Maltesers. It was a cross between Maltesers. It was like, I can't remember. It was a cross between two fluffy little fellas. Okay. Right. It was so lush, right. It was called Frank. Cute.

Now extra time was just about to start and I was stroking the dog and the owner went, yeah, can you, can you hold him a second? And I think the owner was going out for a vape or something. Right. And you can see the windows out of the, out of the, you could sort of, you look past the telly and you can see outside onto the street. And I'm sitting with, with a little Frank on my knee and literally as soon as extra time started, England scored. Right. So the owner like popped the head owner owner of the dog popped the head back in the whole fucking pub and ballistic everyone was jumping around screaming and shouting and I was just sitting completely fucking still. Like, cause I didn't want him to get frightened. So I literally had him on my knee. I had my mouth open and I had one hand punching

the air and I just wasn't moving. And the owner like looked back in, looked at the thing, jumped around and then looked at me and just fucking burst out laughing at this grown man just frozen in the corner and the dog thinking Was he hello got it and Got a bit of a bit of it got something to tell you about got a bit of a confession, right? and So basically we both go on the Peloton running machine. That one gone. Yes.

Now, I've never told you this, but I've been on, so I go on sometimes and I'll do like half an hour, half an hour endurance run or some sprints. And I come off and I'm like, I burned a thousand calories there. And then you sometimes go on for 20 minutes and you're like, I did 250 calories. And I'm like, I burned a thousand calories there. And then you started going for 20 minutes and you're like, I did 250 calories. And I'm like, I've never said it to you,

but I genuinely have been going, what's she doing? Like, what is she doing to be on only 10 minutes less than me and do quarter of the calories? Right. I always ask, I wonder this as well. Right, okay. So I've never said, come on man, you're a lazy fucker. Like I've never said that. Well, I always just thought you've got longer legs than me. So I can't, I physically can't run as fast. Well, no, okay. So I've never said, come on man, you lazy fucker. I've never said that.

Well, I always just thought you've got longer legs than me, so I physically can't run as fast. Well, no, I'll be honest with you, I've thought it. I've thought, what you're doing? Like, how can I be on for that? And I'm doing a thousand calories, like a fucking, like an absolute athlete, and she's only doing 250 calories

in almost the same amount of time. So, I've lost a bit of weight recently. So I thought, oh, I want a more accurate calorie readout, so I've lost a bit of weight recently. Yeah. So I thought, oh, I want a more accurate calorie readout. So I've lost a couple of kilos. So I'll go on and I'll change on my profile what my weight is. All right, OK. I don't know how. Oh, God.

What? My weight on the Peloton has been set to 175 kilograms. How much is that in stone? 27 stone. So will that make a difference? It thinks I'm the fucking fittest massive guy on the planet. So the heavier you are, the more energy you have to exert to do this. So the reason my calories burnt

is a thousand and a half an hour is because they're going, this 27 stone guy's doing sprints. I, I've been probably burning less than half of what I think I've been burning. Oh my God, I feel so much better about that now. I was getting myself really annoyed about that, you know. I'm so, I'm gonna wanna apologize.

You'd be coming off, you'd be going like, I've burned this many calories. And I've never lied about it. Because I just thought, well, what's... It says it said like a thousand, one thousand two hundred sometimes in half an hour. And I'm like, oh my God, I am an absolute machine. There's no way.

I don't know how I've done it, but I had it set to a hundred and seventy five. Have you put it properly? I'm seventy five kilo. I had it a hundred kilos heavier than what I was. Wow. I wonder if mine's right. I'm going to check. Unbelievable. I haven't been on the scales for a it at 100 kilos heavier than what I was. Wow. I wonder if mine's right, I'm gonna check. Unbelievable. I haven't been on this girls for a while.

Can't be arsed with them. I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere in Peloton head office, there's a little thing of Matt, there's a notice board with my profile on and a little red flag on it going, this guy's gonna die if he keeps going the way he's going. He's not, Matt, he's not lost anything and he's running like a fucking maniac. Impressionism on the St. Lawrence features more than 150 sublime works by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the St. Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago.

Buy your tickets today at McMichael.com, home to the art of Canada. Hey, it's Jessi Crickshank from Phone a Friend here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Acast Creative. I had the pleasure of hosting Kat and Nat from Unfiltered in my Airbnb. Can I ask you this? I don't even think I know how you met initially. High school.

You'll remember it, grade nine in high school. Yeah, grade nine. No, I did not. Do you want the PG version? Coincidental friends. No, I don't want the PG version. I'm sorry, not coincidental friends. We're holding champagne. In common friends.

When your guests are staying in your Airbnb, I think technically you can ask them anything. And I did. Listen to Phone a Friend wherever you find your podcasts. This is an ad by BetterHelp. How often do you compare yourself to others? It's easy to envy friends' lives on social media. But comparison is the thief of joy.

And in reality, nobody has it all together. Online therapy can help you focus on what you want not what others have because your best life is better than the idea of someone else's. Stop comparing and start living with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's betterHELP.com It's time for What's Your Beef? Would you like to go first? No, you go first.

Okay. I think no. Okay. I don't have many to be honest with you. Okay. I really don't. Okay. Because we've been alright recently, haven't we?

Yeah. Touch wood. Yeah. So my beef with you is? I Because we've been alright recently, have we? Touch wood. Yeah. It's my beef with you is. I think we've been okay. No we haven't been. I mean I've got one, I'll do this one from a few weeks ago. How are they? When the kids are ill, if either of the kids are ill, especially Rafe, you often, you always just seem to be standing above were for some reason. You'll stand above were and you'll put your arms on your hips and you'll just go, what do you think it is? And you just say it over and over again. What do you think it is?

I worry about me being... I'm not great in a crisis. You're not. I'm not great in a crisis. I'll be honest with you, hidden within that question of what do you think it is, is the phrase, can I catch this? Oh yeah. That's always there. Also, are you going to catch this? Because when you and the kids are ill, that's me not sitting down for a fortnight. I'm going to swear.

Yeah, that's true. My beef with you, thank you for keeping that short and sweet, mine's not. My beef with you is, this is a long time coming this and I'm finally, finally getting my revenge for this right. I've been really good recently. No you're a, yeah but long term you're a massive hypocrite right. Mm-hmm. Which I know you won't agree, I won't, you won't disagree with that. I am a hypocrite, I change my opinion a lot. So you slag me off every single chance you get for being too chuffed with stuff, with my belongings and my gadgets and all my different things, right? To the point of way... It's not... No, okay. No, it's sometimes it's quite... You're very... You're like... You really enjoy

the things that you have, which I sometimes think is quite nice. I look after my stuff and I like stuff. You just don't want to be as vocal about it. Brilliant. So the other day, to the point of where the other day, I picked you and the kids up from B&M's and you got round the back of the car and you just threw a load of shopping in the back of the car. And you got in and I went, sorry, I went, my golf clubs are in there.

Did you throw all that shopping on top of my golf clubs? I just had like four clubs lying there. Oh yeah. And you went, oh God, oh God, oh I've got a check. Yeah, they're new and they're quite expensive. Oh God. So you walk around the side and you went oh god oh god oh i've got a check yeah they're new and they're quite expensive oh god so you walk around the side and you own the thing and you got and you moved them you got it and you went oh god you just you just fucking what i've written it down what's the exact word you just you're pathetic with your new stuff that's the exact word you're pathetic with your new stuff fast forward to Mrs. fucking Apple Watch over here

to the point where we were doing VO today. We were doing voiceover in a recording booth in Newcastle. You, it just, Siri just started cracking on from your phone, from your watch. She very helpfully told us the weather. Yeah, but you were talking about the weather. You didn't ask her, right? And the other day... I was listening, so very attentive.

Good. And to the point of where the other day, you almost refused to take it off of her while having sex, and I quote, I need the steps. Don't. Rosie, take that watch off, it's weird, but I'll get steps. Why are you talking about that? You're disgusting. I just wanted to see if they'd go up. It wasn't because I wanted the steps. I just wanted to see if it went up.

Mine went miles up on me. Did it? Oh, I think some 175 kilos. So just to really, really, before we move on, because we've got questions to get through and stuff. What are golf clubs made out of? Why? Just wondering.

What are golf clubs made out of? The ones I had in the back, irons on the top, and the shafts are graphite. Why? Just wondered. Why? Because I really don't think that a birthday card, a sketch pad, and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle are gonna harm your golf clubs. Right. Alright? Right.

Still low. No. Still low. Nah, get over yourself. You could have bent them, you could have warped them. No. No. Okay.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always if you'd like to get in touch it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com. On the public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public life partner, how are you? I'm okay. Okay. Life partner's horrible, isn't it? I think that life partner's worse than, just get married. Life partner just sounds like-

Just get married. Just sounds like a jail sentence. Oval, isn't it? It sounds like you're chained together, building a railway. Think you'd ever chain yourself to something? Would I ever chain myself to something? Do you feel passionately enough about anything

in the world to chain yourself to it? What, so it's gonna get knocked down? Because that's what they do, they chain themselves to trees and stuff if they're gonna get chopped. Yeah. So it's gonna get, so something's gonna get knocked down. I think. Do you feel passionately enough about anything?

In all honesty, not anything, not a structure or a building or anything I can think of, but if it was like an idea, if they were gonna like delete pizza, I'd change myself to pizza. Do you know what I mean? If I had to. You're obsessed with pizza.

I love it so much, I could eat it every single day. So is Robin. I could eat it every single day. I can't get enough of it. Oh my God. Robin was when, oh God, by the way, sorry, we'll get to this in a minute. And we are very, very well, thank you for asking. Our kids, we're going on holiday this summer and we've

been, I've been letting the kids buy their own clothes. So just been looking online and they've been buying like whatever. They're going to look like absolute. Overheard. Yeah. Like tacky as fuck. Yeah. Like I sat across the sofa listening to what Robin was asking you to order Oh, and what did he want? He wanted a prime prime crocs Oh, no, so he wanted a pizza bucket hat. He's bought he's bought He's bought a pizza bucket hat. Oh, did it was it did know the one I think he ended up getting had them pickles on

What was that? Pickle Rick from Rick and Morty? Oh god, no idea. Honestly. And then the both got crocs which I, it pains us a little bit because we've never been a croc family until now. Raph's bought Super Mario croc things. Charms. Robin's bought prime bottles and pizzas and donuts to put on his crocs. I am gonna not be seen with you guys on holiday. We're gonna get off the plane. We'll go to the hotel, we'll unpack and I'll see yous at the end of the holiday because I'll go to a different pool. I'm not sitting around. They're gonna look like disc actually disgusting. Robins, Rafe's bought a Super Mario Odyssey cap.

It's bright red and blue, horrible. They're gonna look like if Woolwats was a person. Yeah, basically. All of Rafe's clothes that he then mickin' out. I like the pound shop, if the pound shop was a child, that's what they would look like. Rafe is being sponsored by Mickey Mouse, Bluey, Sonic and Super Mario. I remember I used to tell my mom and dad to not get them anything with like characters and stuff on because we want them like to look a little bit smaller.

That's gone, that's dead. They're just, and all the shit, the way you wash it once and it's fucked. Cause it's just cheap. But you know what it is, right? It gets them ready. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing that I just think, you know, I'm on holiday, they're gonna be,

like, Raph gets buzzing about putting his cars top on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wears it back to front cause he prefers the logo on the back. That's ridiculous. He wears most of his t-shirts. He wears back the rugs. Hats is the one, especially in the sun, to get them to wear out.

So you have to, you can look, wear the shittest hat you want. Yes, yes, Bungie Bob Squarepants hat. Oh, crying. Me and Youby and Al Beige. And like little Zoras. I'll be nowhere near you. I'll be nowhere near you three.

Oh, honestly. Honestly. They're gonna look horrendous, but. You're gonna be like. Happy. You're gonna let you walk along with two giant crisp wrappers. You're not wrong.

So happy though. And as well, if you do see us and our children, just know that both of them, both of them have decided very, very like firmly that they're growing the hair and they look disgusting, like actually disgusting. Robin can't see. His hair is just so much in his face. Oh, he's bought hairbands, army headbands. He wanted again, he wanted pizza headbands.

Did I do pizza headbands? How's that a thing? How's a pizza headband possibly gonna be a thing? Just wants pizza merch all the time. I'm like, I'm a dominoes uniform. I swear to God. Side note actually about if you see us with the kids, can I just say public service announcement

to anyone who sees me driving around South Shields or the local area where I live, anyone who sees me driving around with the windows down with music blasting, I'm not being an asshole, I'm trying to keep Rafe awake. That's all I'm ever doing. Just so you know. Drove on there Dave, windows down, music blaring,

I thought people must think I'm a total prick, but if I close these windows, he's going to sleep. Yeah, oh no, absolutely. Right, listen. I've just listened to episode 275, where Chris told a story about his friend getting a pack of ham from the services. Call of just in again, pack of ham, pack of ham.

I also have a pack of ham story involving my sister and brother-in-law. A pack of ham story. This is really good. It happened about 15 years ago, but still makes me giggle when I think of it. Brilliant. Love a pack of ham.

Pack a ham. I know if it, pack a ham, pack a ham. That's a weird way to say it. We used to say it. Like Shaka Cape. A little bit like Shaka Cape, yeah. Pack a ham, move your body, move your body, pack a ham.

So. Pack a ham. Oh, I love that. I didn't know that. You're just going to kill time on two already. Do you know what's hilarious though? What? If I was on tour with you and you shouted in, do you want a pack of ham? I'd be like aye. Of course you would have been all over. I had five slices this morning from my breakfast. Unbelievably disgusting, yeah. Carry on. Yeah. Awful. My sister and brother-in-law, I'll say that

again because I'm not pissed. My sister and brother-in-law, let's call them Alison and Darren because that's their names. Oh, there you go. Had gone to the supermarket to do their weekly shop. They had grabbed a trolley and were early on in their trundle around the store. So only had a few bits in there so far. Love that word, trundle. Trundle's great. They went down one aisle and parked the trolley whilst they both browse separately for different items. Saves time, you see. I love that. Adam & Kirsty I love that. I can't remember the last time me and you went to the supermarket together. Adam & Kirsty It must be years.

Kirsty We're dividing conquer or something. Adam & Kirsty It must be years, yeah. Kirsty But I used to like going to the supermarket together. Nice memories before children. Do you remember when we used to take with time? Do you remember going to the supermarket before kids at like 10 o'clock at night? Adam &? Yeah. Just to do your shopping and that.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Oh, time. Oh, oh, God. Now, do you know, unless I'm on a night out, if I'm out the house at 10 o'clock, someone calls over, I get panicky. If you're sober.

If I'm not working, Yeah. and I'm not on a night out, if I'm just like, happen to be out, or coming home from, I get panicky. I understand what you mean. I'm like, I should be in bed. It's pathetic.

Anyway, right, okay, so they're doing separate. I keep digressing. When Alison returned to the trolley, she was alarmed to see a packet of ham in there, which wasn't their usual brand and of the smart price variety. Ooh, check your privilege, snob. Lifting the offending pack out of the trolley

and waving it above her head, she shouted down the aisle to her husband, Darren, why you buying this scabby ham? Wow. As the words left Alison's mouth, a disgruntled looking lady walked towards her, grabbed the trolley from which the ham had been in and shoveled away down the aisle. Ham shamed? She ham shamed her in the middle of the supermarket? Darren could only stand there gobsmacked

and in a hushed tone said, that's not our trolley. That's fucking brilliant. Before both of them collapsed in embarrassment. I worked that out just before you said what it was. That's gorgeous. I know. Oh, that's beautiful.

It's not their trolley. Oh, scabby as well. I know. Scabby ham. Oh, that is. Honestly, I'd go and tell security if someone ham shamed me like, don't you dare ham shame me in the supermarket.

Honestly, I have got that woman's back till the end because the small price ham is better than the than the thick ham. You love it, don't you? I love it. Honestly, cheaper the better. Guys, you want to see how when she gets one of the big massive family packs of ham, she gets it out. She looks like she works in a fucking ham casino. Just dealing them out, don't you? You dealing them onto your plate, don't you?

Shuffling them in that. Crap, we're playing 21 card ham. Ace is high. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I love a ham. No one loves ham as much as you. The day my ham made these collards into nice ham as much as me. It was back at home. Actually just to let yous behind the curtain here, when we were doing the tour, you know people who came and saw the most recent tour you'll know when Rosie came out as the blob. If you haven't seen it I can't really explain any more than that. I came out dressed as me period. Yeah but we had a bit in the first couple of sort of incarnations of it where to calm the period down I would give you a slice of ham and then squeeze some

salad cream in your mouth and you would eat it. Oh yeah we did that, we got rid of that though. You remember how genuinely gutted you were when we got rid of that joke because you weren't allowed to have ham and salad cream every night. She was so excited to eat ham and salad cream. Why did we get rid of that? It was just, yeah, just timing, wasn't it? And the fact that it was like, it was itching me out that there was warm ham and warm salad cream.

It's hot up on that stage and it had to be there the whole show. I love salad cream so much, you know. I never used to like it when I was a kid. I mean, what even, what is it? I think we've talked about this before. What is salad cream? I don't know.

I don't know what salad cream is. Neither do I, but it's lovely. Have they creamed up a salad? Maybe. Have they milked the salad? I don't know. I don't know what salad cream is. Neither do I, but it's really lovely. Have they creamed up a salad? Maybe. Have they milked the salad? I don't know. Do you know a sort of video of somebody making mayonnaise just out of boiled eggs?

Yeah. And I'm gonna, I think it'll be disgusting, but I'm gonna try and make it. Why, why? Why would you say, why would you say, I think it'll be disgusting, but I'm gonna try and make it? No, listen, that is such a waste of time. It's a waste of food, it's a waste of time,

you're gonna leave, the kitchen's gonna like a fucking bomb site. But I bought a food processor. No, do you know how much fucking mayonnaise we've got in the cupboards? I buy stockpiles of it. I know, but it's quite fattening. Well what, so you're gonna make a shit version

that I'm gonna have to fucking pretend I like? Did anybody invite you to eat the boiled egg mayonnaise? I don't fucking think they did. It's my house as well. You're not having any? I don't want to, it sounds shit, but I'm gonna have to, you know what'll happen, I know what's gonna happen.

You're gonna fucking put it in a jar, it's gonna go in the fridge, it's gonna sit there for years, and I'm gonna go, can I throw this out? And you're gonna go, oh, I don't know when it goes out with date. Right, well, are you keeping it? Well, no. Rosie, will you throw it? I don't wanna throw it, is this got, right, so I can I throw this out? And you go, I don't know when it goes out of there. Right, well, are you keeping it? Well, no.

Rosie, will you throw it? I don't wanna throw it, is this got? Right, so I've gotta throw it out. Then the minute I put it in the bin, you'll walk in and you go, bin stinks, can you put the bin out? No, I'm putting my foot down, you're not making homemade mayonnaise.

Fridge walls. Do you know I wanna invent a fridge with like a lock on, like a safe, like a vacuum packed safe. Because I hate the smell of our bin. When you come downstairs, that kitchen. You said fridge. What did I say? You said I wanna invent a fridge with a lock on.

I meant a bin. Right, a vacuum packed bin. Like a bin with a proper like sealed lid. But then when you open it, the smell comes out anyway. But that's fine because it's just when you open it. But I was in like a drawer and there's little gaps in the drawer. When I come down, I can smell that bin. It makes us very upset.

Yeah, we know. You're always going on about the bin. I think if you loved us, you would empty the bin every night. Every night before bed. I disagree. Please, I would really love that. Yeah. I really love that. Maybe. I do like walking out in the garden

before I go to bed. Well, there you go. Good for your mental health. I was doing, I tell you what, when you were in bed with the kids last night, I took my little golf club out in the garden. I was chipping little golf balls in at my little golf net. Top one of them nearly put a fucking hole in the back fence.

Sounded like a gunshot. I'll be doing that again. Can't wait for you to not do it in a few months nah nah G&G golf and grappling great new lifestyle babadoo babadoo babadoo ba hi hope you both well again we are stop asking honestly we're okay I wasn't here the night when Chris decided to go out and leave us severely hungover with the children from four o'clock in the afternoon oh honestly honestly you tried every trick in the book to get me to stay in.

Girls, girls and boys. I even offered him a blowjob. That was how desperate it was. And the kids were. Let's go through the list. Right. So Rosie went out and she knew I was going out for me mate's birthday on Sunday. Right.

So you went out on Saturday and you got absolutely trollied with your friend. You and Steph, right? Like you came in Saturday night. I you and Steph. I did. Right? You came in Saturday night, I was in bed, I was asleep and you came in and you were like, oh, Chris, I've got, you know when they come in panicking, oh God, I think I've drank too, I've got too drunk. Chris, I'm too drunk.

Are you gonna be sick? And I don't want to think, all right, well, go to sleep and shut up, right? And then, oh God, I woke in the morning, first thing you did was text us, go, I'm dying, because I went downstairs. I'm dying. I'm dying Fucking hell so are the kids all day super dad. I had the kids

Don't even so I had them all to do this we like to take turns I had them all day the day before so I had them all day to keep them out your way and Came in you will if anything in the afternoon you were, if anything, in the afternoon, you were worse than you were in the morning. You were like, shot and bad. So you went, you kept going, ah, the kids are buzzing that you're staying in. So that's your first one, using the children.

Children are buzzing that you're staying in. I'm not staying in, it's me man's birthday. I told you I was going out weeks and weeks, months ago. It's been in my diary for months. Then she, honestly I was getting ready and she came upstairs and offered us a blowjob to stay in. Lowest of the low. No, not the lowest of the low. She left the room, walked down the stairs, I mean you made a bit too much noise walking down the stairs, it was like, what was it, 13 steps

or something? But you must have stepped like 30 odd times, I was like what you doing? So I went and had a look and as you saw me come out the room you dove on the floor and pretended you'd fell over. Which was absolutely pathetic. Pretended I'd fell down the stairs. Pretended you'd fell down the stairs and then they're going oh god oh I'm injured you can't go out. Then you just went to straight begging. I mean the fact you didn't feel any sort of sympathy for us performing down the stairs

is shocking. Honestly I nearly threw all the dirty washing down the stairs at you. And then you went into another stage of kind of like trying to guilt us saying, I can't believe you're doing this. So then you turned on, you're going, you're out far too much, you're a disgrace, you're always out giving it large.

Yeah, you are. Then, and this was a ridiculous one, Sean, whose birthday it was, you offered him money for me to not go out? You went, tell Sean to name his price, I'll pay him for you to not go out? Tell Sean to name his price. I'll pay him for you to not come out. Surprise, surprise. I didn't even.

Guys, if you have been alone with your children, hung over, you will understand how desperate I was. I just so even that I would have missed you. I just couldn't do it. But I did it. Hey, she did it. To be fair, Sean was absolutely good when I got there and I told him and he was like, well, I've got a wedding to pay for.

I'll be up for that. How much is your friend? I went fuck you, just can both fuck off. Desperate times. What's this email anyway? Okay, sorry. Oh, sorry guys. Right, okay.

Digressant, sorry everyone. After last week's talks of FIFA and in the spirit of the Euros, I wanted to share my best friend's newest ick. She was out with her husband to watch the match and he casually told her that he wants to apply for the job as the Newcastle United manager. When he was in his twenties, so not even a teenager, he sent a CV to Newcastle United Football Club applying for the manager's job alongside a copy of his championship manager

football game statistics as justification of his qualifications. Oh, okay, now. Listen to this. He was genuinely surprised when he didn't even get an interview stating, honestly took York from Conference Division to fourth in the Premier League and Champions League before going to Madrid. That's like applying for the SAS and sending in your Call of Duty high scores. Brilliant. Oh wow.

Does it not have anything to do with it? It doesn't does it? What? I've answered my own question. What? It doesn't have anything to do like. It's just a computer game. Yeah. It's just a computer game. But I know that people who play on it give a lot of time to it. Oh yeah. Don't they? Like it takes up a lot of your life. It's mad. Like it's huge. There's a comedian, Anno, who he did a short called Championship Manager Ruined My Life. I took up my life or something. It got such a cult following. But like, it's a huge, huge thing.

He's like toured it and everything. Yeah. Sorry, I wasn't listening. Of course you weren't. What did you say? Genuinely? I was reading the next thing. Fine.

I can't help it. Okay, now. Sorry. What's the point? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Fine. I can't help it. What can help? Sorry. What's the point? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Hi Chris and Rosie, I hope you're both well and again, we are, thank you. Oh my God, why are you so fucking obsessed with we were fine, move on.

It's nearly the six weeks holidays, which used to fill us with dread, but you know what, when they get older, it gets a lot easier. Oh, they're getting great. They're a pleasure to be around now. It does get so much easier. I feel like everyone who's on this podcast is on a journey with us and they've come through us going, we're fucking knackered! Oh, the kids are a nightmare! And now, to hear us, I reckon there'll be people here now listening, probably walking

their dog, have stopped still in the field and thought, oh my God. They're like the kids. They enjoy spending time with their children. What's happened? Yeah. Yeah. They just got easier. They got spending time with their children. What's happened? Yeah. Yeah. They just got easier. They got easier and they're just loving it.

And my brief's a second child. A lot of people say that the second child's a bit mad. I hear a lot of people go, I hear my first, no bother, my second, ah! And I'm like, whoa. It's completely the opposite for us. But he might be, but he would have had to have been a full another level of mad,

of being madder than Robin, let's be honest here. Let's be honest here. Yeah, true, true. He's probably really highly strong, but we just don't realise it. No, he's near bother. My mum said he's very like me when I was younger, because I was the near bother.

And honestly, I think I was a little bit ignored because I was a middle child. Oh, okay. Making up for that now, aren't you? Yeah. Please keep me anonymous. I'm writing to you because I need to confess. I recently went to spend a bit of time with my family back home. My dad has been in a

relationship with a woman for about 7 years and I usually stay at her place when I visit. My dad is there most of the time but works quite far away so has a small flat close to work so he doesn't have to do a long commute every day. I used to have a lovely relationship with my dad's partner. She was always a bit of a control freak and liked to be right, but it was not a problem and it didn't affect the people around her. Okay. Until she turned 50 and became an absolute nightmare.

Oh. Ma-sense and menopause. Do you think that's what it is? Could be. Suddenly she wanted to control everything and everyone all the time. This might be the menopause. Right. We have to bear that in mind, you know. Do you know when people talk about people and they go,

oh my God, she's just a complete, you know, whatever, bloody blah. I always think, how old is she? Right. Okay. Because, yeah. What part of the female chemistry is happening to her at this point? Everything had to be done her way. It was like living in a military camp. To the point where she became mean, heard people's feelings daily and made everyone feel like shit. Which might just be a day. Yeah, maybe go and stay in the flat with your dad. The situation is making my dad very sad. He's

a really good guy who unfortunately met some not so nice women on the way. He finally had a lovely relationship after a very tough and heartbreaking divorce with my mother who just decided to leave for someone else and left me and my sisters with him. Oh my gosh. Sorry, is this supposed to be, this is to the comedy podcast, Shaggy Road. No, all of them have to be funny. Do they? We used to do actual like, questions, remember? We used to be a bit agony, Andy.

No one's asked me a question for years! But listen, this is a confession. Okay. So stick around for the confession. All right, okay, I forgot about that bit. I'm normally quite a calm person, not looking for problems, but this time his partner crossed the line,

and it was so hard to see everyone around her being treated this way. I won't tell you all the details, but the situation was bad. Alright? Ok, so you've done something horrible. So. Ok, let's get into this. I'm excited. It just goes from zero to...I'll let you listen. So one day I picked up some cans of tuna

in our cupboards and started to drop tuna in inaccessible places like behind the fridge, behind the freezer, behind the washing machine to make the place smell. She also hates cats and unfortunately for her the neighbourhood cats love her garden so I filled the bushes with tuna to make sure they all came around. Also I had my hands covered in tuna juice. I wiped them on the inside of her workout bag. I was on a roll, so I continued. I spat in her micellar water, put just a little bit of glue randomly between pages of work documents that she had, and finally I did something I thought I'd never do before. I took the reusable bottle she takes to the gym, I paid

inside of it, emptied the bottle behind the furniture in the basement, put the bottle back where it was, where it will just dry until the next time she uses it. Oh my God. This behaviour doesn't look like me and I'm not planning on doing it again, but you have to see I'm quite proud of it and don't regret it for a second.

Fuck. My first question is, how much fucking tuna did she have in this house? I feel like, well, she's had a lot. She might have done a Costco. Fuckin' of tuna! Mm. Oh!

It's probably one of the best ways of revenge though, I think. Tuna, inaccessible tuna. Just leaving little smells everywhere. Inaccessible tuna is naughty. Inaccessible tuna. That is naughty. Spittin' on the micellar water.

What's micellar water? It's like you're taking makeup off with it. Oh my God, so they're not gonna drink it? It goes on her face. No, it goes on her face. It goes on her face. Oh, oh. Have I, I'm trying to think if I've done anything revengey, have you? Yeah, I'm not gonna say anything, yeah, but I've done. Have you? I've done something, not to that extent, but I've done similar, I've pissed in someone something who I didn't like. Have you? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I think the worst I did... Years ago. I feel a bit bad for it, but you know, it'll be gone now.

Couple of things I always remember. Yeah. Which I'm not proud of. Okay. So I'm sure I must have mentioned this. I used to write Kate and Kevin's name, my brother and sister, on stuff with the cumpers around the house. Yeah, stupid. Yeah, I know. Mum knows me. I... Kevin! Kate! Why are you scratching your name in Rosie's handwriting everywhere again? Sucker. Rosie, is this you? I hit a girl. Sorry, you've got your dad's jacket in your mouth.

Oh, stuck on the tabs. And longer. I hit my girl. Sorry, you've got your dad's jacket in your mouth. Oh, stuck on the tabs. And longer. I hit my friend at school. Across the face. And then she went and tell the teacher. So I dug my nails into my arm. And I said that she did that to me. That is psychotic.

Clever. Psychotic. And we were both got put on the wall. On the wall? What? Night's night's watch you'd get you'd get put on the wall you'd have to just stand facing the wall for like a whole of breakdown but it used to be called you'll be put on the wall it was so you had to stand and face a wall at to stand and face the wall for like the whole of break time. Sorry, was this 1931?

What the fuck? No, I put on the wall. So that's easy to put you on the wall. Where was the wall? At the back of the school, in the yard. And you had to go and stand in front of it? How far away from it? Like at the wall, like literally at the wall.

Right in front of it? So like what? I can't remember if you had to face, far away from it? Like at the wall, like literally at the wall. Right in front of it. So like what? I can't remember if you had to face, I'm sure you had to face the wall. Cause what, there'd be no punishment. Maybe you just had to stand there. You weren't allowed to play.

They'd be like, right, get on the wall. I don't want to go on the wall. You just had to stand and stare at the wall. Got put on the wall. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm sure am I making that up? I don't think I... Right.

My school didn't have anything like that. Oh. Phone ringing. Hello? Hello, just very quickly. Do you know Ed Tane Beads? Yeah. Did we used to get put on the wall? Put on the wall?

Uh-huh. What you mean for bad behavior? Yeah. Did we used to get put on the wall? Put on the wall? What do you mean by bad behaviour? Yeah. I vaguely remember something like this, you had to stand against the wall and put your finger on your lip. Ah! You just get the block thickens. I just remember I got put on the wall once and then Chris was like, what's put on the wall? I was like, am I, do anything, am I making this up? It was a punishment, wasn't it, from the dinner ladies? Yeah, it was. If you were naughty, you had to stand against the wall, you couldn't move, you couldn't play with the kids.

But then you also get some sadistic ones who make you put your finger on your lips and couldn't talk either. Wow! Kate, were the face on the wall or facing away from the wall? No, you made the face of the other children so you could watch the play but you weren't allowed to join in. Oh that's even worse than facing the wall. I knew that was the punishment on the wall. Did you ever get put on the wall? Of course not. There it is. I knew it.

I just used to watch the other kids that got put on the wall. Have you ever tried a tab? Never tried a tab. Oh just quickly, Robin asked me if I'd ever tried smoking before. Did he? The other day. Did he? And I tell him no. Wow.

I know. I said absolutely not. Disgusting. Never. Wow. Don't worry. His auntie Kate will put him right next time I see him. Oh, great.

No, don't tell him. Just say no. I'll tell him the truth. Alright. Alright, you bet you'll get on the wall. Love you. Alright, I love you. Alright, you better get on the wall. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do do. Hey you Ramsey, get on that wall.

I'm facing it, I'm facing away. Do do do do do do. Whatever. Okay. Kind of not as harsh when I can pick you up on this one, fair enough. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shack Very Loin, which is part of the Acash Creator Network. Thank you very much. Thanks to everyone who sends everything in. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe. Any little podcast shops go on Google and Google British Podcast Awards for the listener's choice.

It would be lovely to be voted for in that. And we'll be back in the U.S. next week. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Hey everyone. We are Kat and Ev from the Kat and Ev unfiltered podcast and we're here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Ecast creative. We recorded with Jessie Cruikshank from her Airbnb. Spoiler, it was gorgeous. We talked family, vacations, MTV gossip, and you know, just had some good old unfiltered girls time.

I was raised on boy bands. So like I always wanted the hot blonde one. And then on the hills, Brody Jenner, I was like openly thirsting for Brody Jenner at all times. Tune into our LA Shenanigans wherever you get your podcast. This is an ad by BetterHelp. How often do you compare yourself to others? It's easy to envy friends lives on social media but comparison is the thief of joy and in reality nobody has it all together.

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