Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 278. Out of Office Reply

Episode Date: July 19, 2024

Chris and Rosie are on their holidays but are still delivering a QFTP's bumper ep! There's icks, there's a sex toy and of course some mistaken identity. All of this and some general holiday chat chat! If you want send a story, question, ick or office poll to The Ramseys email [e-mail] Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Try Sperry and get 15% off at Sperry.ca with code podcast15. Sperry, trust nature. Hey everyone, we are Kat Nath from the Kat Nath Unfiltered Podcast, and we're here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Ecast Creative. We recorded with Jessie Cruickshank from her Airbnb.

Spoiler, it was gorgeous. We talked family, vacations, MTV gossip, and you know, just had some good old unfiltered girls time. I was raised on boy bands. So like I always wanted the hot blonde one. And then on the hills, Brody Jenner, I was like openly thirsting for Brody Jenner at all time. Tune into our LA shenanigans

wherever you get your podcast. Holidays! Oh there it is. There it is. Celebrate! Hello you listening to Shagmire and annoyed, out of office reply because we are on holidays! Oh just me sunburns playing up. Oh got a bit sunburn there I did. You always get sunburned. Got a bit sunburn off the sun there. Oh, just me sunburns playing up. Oh, got a bit sunburn there, I did. You always get sunburned. Got a bit sunburn off the sun there. Guys, just really quickly, not to be a... Oh, hey!

Sorry, that paella's a bit spicy. I wasn't expecting that. Sorry about that. Not to be a complete... Oh, fucking hell. Sorry, hey, the tiles are hot off my feet. Oh, it burnt me. Burnt me bloody tile. Oh, what?

What happened? This gin and tonic is just too cool. hot off my feet oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh piss on it. What? Ah, it doesn't matter. It's hurting. Great. Oh, OK. Who's kids are them dressed like that? Oh, ours. Oh, look at them two kids dressed like shit. What's up? Look at the two kids who look like the only shop at the Disney shop. What's ours?

Look at them two little fucking polyester pirates over there. Flammable little folk, aren't they? Static little dudes. Look at the static on them. Space age fabric little. It's a nice hotel. Oh god. Anyway, alright, we're on holiday, but we're still here and we still want to give you an episode. No, just this, I don't want to sound like a dick. I don't want to sound like one of them asshole mums on Instagram, right? But if you put sun cream on and then go straight in the pool, that sun cream does nothing. It hasn't soaked in, has it? It just washes off. Let it soak in. Let it soak in for like 10, 15 minutes. Put it on in the room before you get out in there. You've got a nice base

layer on. I just can't watch people put cream on their kids and then just their kids jump in the pool and I'm like that you've just It's washed off. So that's just my little tip that my mom told me very passively aggressively Never. We went on holiday three years ago. So I'm passing I hope not to sound passive aggressive I'm just passing it on to you. Just pass it on to you. I am so there you go. There we go I love a holiday. Love a holiday. We haven't been yet to you. I am. So there you go. There we go. Love a holiday. Love a holiday. We haven't been yet, by the way. No.

They've been doing this before we go, but we're very excited. But weirdly, we're not going that long because we're scared of being in our own room with the kids for that long, so we've... We're only going for five nights. By the time this goes out, we'll be back. Yeah, we can't do a full week. You know how everyone else seems to just love holidays with their kids? I love my kids.

We love our kids. Yeah. And they're a joy joy and it'll be lovely. But Jesus, you're just parenting somewhere else without all of your stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I find it really difficult. To the point, sorry, I don't. Just, I have to pack like so much food. Yeah.

Because they don't stop eating. We're not going over, we're going to a hotel. So I think when you're in a villa, you've got much more freedom. But like, I just, I'm having to take snacks because they wake up in the morning and they want to eat straight away. And they eat just before they go to bed. Mm-hmm. They literally will have, they'll have a massive meal

and then half an hour later, they're like, but I have cereal before bed. How old will they be before I stop taking... I take two plastic bowls on holiday and plastic spoons. How old will I be till then? God, you know what? No nappies. No nappies, now I'm not, am I not allowed to wear my nappies? No.

Sorry, I'm gonna have to get out of the pool, I have a shit, what the fuck? This is my holiday as well, why are you ruining this? Oh God. This is our first holiday without nappies, no swim nappies, even though just to let you all know we were that scabby family who used to let them dry out and use them again. Oh, hanging on the line and use that again! Sustainability guys! There's no piss in there! This piss has all been chlorinated out! Oh it's not worse though than seeing

a bane with a non-swim nappy in the pool. Oh, massive in it. What's sad in it? It's like they're sitting on a mattress. It's really buggered. That's the thing though, them ones, them swim nappies. They can't run. They'll see more little waddling along. The swim nappies that we use though, once you dry them out, they're a bit crispy the

next day like. It's not on my house, I don't think. It's like they're putting on a fucking poppadum, poor little buggers. But none of that, no nappies? That's gonna be exciting. Yeah. I can still wear mine though, yeah? You can wear yours as long as you want. Good, I'll wear mine.

I'm not getting out of the pool, I have a piss and a shit. What do you think this is, man? I'm trying to enjoy myself. Chris, you're on your holidays. I'm trying to enjoy my holiday. I don't judge you. Yeah, will you still empty them for us as well? Of course I will, but.

Sorry, that's disgusting. What are you gonna do with that now that Rave doesn't nap for two hours a day and you can't go sit in the room by yourself with Rave? That's gonna be really, really testing for me. Really testing. Him going for his nap was the best thing ever. I was just gonna sit on the balcony.

Sit on the balcony, watch whatever UFC I'd missed on my iPad, and just chill. He's still kind if you want. The guy used to, oh, it's because we were going to the same hotel I went to before, and the guy used to walk past and he'd be like, to the point where he would come back, he

would get a Maretti and then he would walk past again and he would look and he would just do a, you know, the international symbol for do you want a drink? And I would just go out and I would point the Maretti and I'd go one more and he would come right up, oh. Oh. Now, if you're on holiday, listen to this by the way, well done. Hope you're having a lovely time. Hope you're enjoying your holiday.

If you're in England in the pissing down rain, sorry we're currently here now, it's absolutely rubbish, sorry about that. So yeah. But this is an out of office reply so it is a questions from the public special so no more Natterin from us, well we will Natter, but we're going to dive right in and see what you people have been sending in. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Good afternoon, Rosie and Chris. Nameless, please. Oh, I like that. Nameless.

Nameless. Oh, he who shall not be named. Instead of, remember, please keep me anonymous on. Oh I like that. Nameless. Oh he who shall not be named. Instead of remember please keep me anonymous on the show. Please keep me nameless. Please keep me nameless. No names bitches. Yeah. Just caught up with episode 274 where the weirdo was shagging his misses whilst she put her head in household appliances. Awful. Thought about that quite a lot actually. I actually thought about the idea while I was loading the washing machine upset us a little bit. What?

You did the washing machine didn't you? That was one of his ones. Oh god, the grip. Loft, the lot. The loft one, still can't get over the loft one. Well it says here household appliances and the loft. Health and safety nightmare. Firstly, made me realise that I'm getting old as I instantly thought, fuck that, headbutton the brie is not a turn on for me. Headbutton the brie! Someone's doing that, what have you got got brie in your fridge. That was the first thing you went to. Secondly, it triggered a memory. My husband and I always try to keep our sex

life alive, even after 18 years. But let's be realistic. We work and have kids, so sometimes we are just too bloody tired or the kids just don't give us 10 minutes or five. Feel it. Wait. Yeah. 10 minutes. You're doing it 10 times. Gross. Told you, red roll. No, thank you. So we are down to five to six times a month. Jesus. Eh? What's that?

Sorry, you're down to five to six times a month. Sorry, are you fucking porn stars who work from home? What are you talking about five to six times? Sorry, have you just met each other? I just did it. Oh my god, we are out of five to six times a month. Are you taking the piss? Oh Chris.

Do you mean you? No, some people have much more active sex lives than us. Some people just have it like, it's all they've got. It's all you've got. I feel sorry for you. Oh no, don't. All they've got is brie and bucking. Brie and double B's. Some people just do.

We book... hey. Get Sky. It's really good. Get Sky. Get Netflix. Get some subscriptions on the go. Their kids might be a bit older than I was anyway. Grappling? Can we just sing Jiu Jitsu? Golf? Are you listening? Yes. By the way, if you're not having sex five to six times a month like Chris and I, that's perfectly acceptable as well.

Don't worry about it. Because life just gets in the way and you know what? It'll all come back. Yes. We...I feel we had some of it because back in the day when we started doing this podcast, we would talk about sex and everything but now... It's because it's got so big. Yeah, and there's a lot more people listening. Yeah.

But anyway, fuck it, I'm gonna... Yeah. I miss morning sex. Morning sex, yeah. Yeah. No, not a thing anymore. No, hasn't... How is that gonna happen?

Unless we're not at home. Yeah, unless we're not at home. Yeah. But it will though, it'll happen because one day we'll have children who aren't in our fucking bedrooms and who don't wanna see you until midday. So actually, we could. Sometimes we'll... Lock the door, actually, we could. We could like lock the door and actually we could.

We're waking up well before them shortly. Yeah. Well before them. So, I think it all comes back. That's all I'm saying. But don't put pressure on yourselves, alright, because it's not worth it. And I think as soon as you do put pressure on that, it just, I don't know, it causes... So, it's like trying to fall asleep. It's just the more you try, and it's the same with that, if you've sort of fought and you go,

right, we need you, we need you, oh great, well, you know, listen, all you've got to do is watch that couple episodes of Friends where Joey and Rachel are trying to have sex because they're mating, they're trying to force it and you knee them in the neck as in all kinds, it's like that. But then at the same time, I do think it is important. Yeah, fuck that. So it's like, time I do think it is important. Yuck.

Fuck that. So it's like, so I know, I know, but like I don't, I don't think you should be like... Oh well don't give up on it completely. No. But don't, don't drive yourself mad. Don't force yourselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And you know, if they are getting something out of the loft and that's your thing. Well. Go for it. You're joking. What? Listen. One day I was sorting the Christmas decorations out in the loft when I heard footsteps on the ladder. My husband's cheeky little face peered through the hatch.

He came up to the loft, put his fingers on his lips, sorry, and shh'd me. He then pulled the ladder into the loft and shut the hatch. Needless to say, mummy and daddy have a fabulous few minutes sorting out the Christmas decorations. We apologise for the snowman ornament casually. No threesomes for us all. I highly recommend any parents wanting some kid-free time next to sorting out the camping equipment. Yes. So they went and had sex in the loft? Just went and had sex in the loft. Come on, man. I'm just, I'm Harry. Come on, man. I'm absolutely, if I'm not lying on my back, doing nothing, I'm not doing it. Do you remember Shower Sex?

That's no way to get the steps. Do you remember Shower Sex? Yeah, yeah. And I never really enjoyed that, if I'm honest with you. Nah, you're lazy as fuck. No, it's not comfortable. I'm five foot two. I'm not meant to bend over that far.

And it's just not, I don't think it's actually physically. Sh physically so yeah so because one of yous is getting absolutely belted with the water and the other one's freezing cold standing outside the water didn't really enjoy it just did it because we first got together and you know something we did but absolutely just want to be on my back yeah just want to do nothing but have a lovely time I will bend to the side I do like stop it you're giving them too much info. Right, okay. But honestly, the less for me to do, the absolute better. Yeah. Love you. Love you too. None of the... In the loft. Oh God. In the loft. No chance. Vile. How big's your loft? How big's your loft?

We had like mice in that not long ago. I'm absolutely fine with a shag in the loft. Wasps' nests. Oh yeah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa! Hi Rosie and Chris, hope you're well. Please keep me anonymous. Will do. Always do. Longtime listener, second time emailer. Could be a Rosie's Mysteries but might not need it. I have a story that my mam, now 56, still cringes over every time I remind her about it. She was 19 when she worked in a posh restaurant and one day noticed an elderly woman sitting

by herself on a ledge not far from the restaurant. She couldn't help but feel sorry for the woman as she looked run down and my mother assumed that she may be homeless. Although it wasn't allowed, my mom, I think this might be Birmingham, took some slices of bread from the restaurant kitchen that were due to be stale the next day and wrapped them for the little old woman. She gently approached the lady and said, "'Excuse me, miss. "'I'm sorry we don't have any more to offer,

"'but I thought you might be hungry, "'and I grabbed this for you from the kitchen "'if you'd like it.'" Oh, fuck. The woman looked at her confused, and it turns out... Do you want me to tell you? I mean I mean she's not issued, she's fine. Like she's not. Like she's not. She's filming Secret Millionaire or something. Like no. The woman looked at her confused and it turns out she was the boss's mother. Oh my god.

My mom had offered the restaurant owners mom stale bread slices. Fucking hell. That's so, I mean, I knew straight away, I was like, there's no way that this person is like, this is such a bad thing. Oh, the bosses, man. That is beautiful though, isn't it? Oh, God. That is nice. Imagine that one. Imagine like. What would you say? What would you say if you were sitting somewhere and someone came up

and just said, look, you look cold, you look bewildered, you look disheveled. Here's some stale bread. I wish bewildered. You look disheveled. Here's some stale bread. I wish I had more. I hope you're okay. And told you where the nearest sort of shelter was. How would you feel? Like devastated.

Yeah. Devastated. I went in the supermarket the other day and the guy in the supermarket says, you look tired. And I could have smashed his face. Oh mate. I was so angry. Did I tell you about the time when I went on a night out

and somebody said they thought I was the older sister? Oh, you were a kid. That's never left me. I've heard about this. I was genuinely, and they said, they kept saying it. You know when you're like- Oh yeah, they do that. Yeah, they do that.

I'm not. They love a bit of that. You're not older than her. Do you want it fucking? Do you want me to hit you? I will hit you. Get your passport out. Get your passport out right now

I feel like I feel like that's not as bad as this. Oh, this is like Yeah, this is the ultimate diss yeah, that's unbelievable. Oh god, I'd have took the bread like I fucking love bread Hi, oh gee listener here never emailed but boys hitting things brought a memory back for me. Yes. Love a boy hitting things story. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, go to therapy. 1995, 16 year old little rave I love in life. I'm imagining this is her. Wow. The days when you could still smoke in pubs, do you remember? Horrible, awful, woke up the next morning,

my pillow smelt like a bonfire. Fucking hated it. I mean, as an ex-smoker, I secretly loved it. Well, I had the next morning, my pillow smelt like a bonfire. Fucking hated it. I mean as an ex smoker I secretly loved it. Well I had long indie hair didn't I? I had a load of paste and product on it and it just got full of like smoke and skank. I mean it was horrible. I always remember my dad's jacket at the bottom of the stairs because he was used to like going to the pub jacket. It would just stink.

But weirdly. You loved it. I kind of loved it because it was just like your dad. Rosie, stop sucking me jacking man! It's bloody soaking wet! Disgusting! I went with a lad, in brackets, briefly, and remember him on stage, no top on,

raving his box off, and he seen me looking at him. Yeah, you people, we wouldn't get on, but carry on. Raving with his top off on stage, smoke in the pub. I don't know why, but for some reason he must have thought that this was impressive or macho, but he started burning his chest with his fag in his hand. For fuck's sake! I was gobsmacked. He just kept doing it. I still have no idea why he thought that would be any kind of a big track record.

And he's kind, I can't read it. He started putting his cigarette in his chest. He started burning himself. That's fucking psychotic. Like he's dabbing. Oh you like this? You like a bit of this eh? Watch this eh?

Ahhhh! You like your slag eh? Watch as I rip these hangnails off. Look at my finger. Look at this. So weird. Get us a paper. Look at me, I cut myself with this paper!

Pathetic. Can I just say, as a female, who's had some really, really dubious relationships in the past, that didn't surprise me that much. Well, a man on stage raving, putting his cigarette out on his chest. Yeah, whilst looking in your eyes. I think there's one or two drugs involved here. Do you think? Raven in the 90s.

Right, okay. He probably couldn't feel it until a couple of weeks later. Right, oh God. Do you think he was off his bait? He was off his bait, this fella. I've never been off my bait. No, good, good. Well done.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Good morning, lovely pet. Thank you very much. Listening to today's episode about the guy eating... I thought that was about the gay eating salmon. We didn't have an episode about a gay eating salmon. We might have been gay, I'm not sure. We didn't classify it as that. Listening to today's episode about the guy eating salmon on a plane.

Oh God, yeah. Oh Jesus. Salmon on a plane. Hate him. Hate him so much. Terrible film. Yeah. It's like,. Awful, terrible film. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha I was doing film studies and it wasn't black and white or French, I probably didn't watch it out of some kind of stupid, stuck up my own arse. I don't think you'd have enjoyed it, but it wasn't that bad. I avoided the Marvels for a while because I was like, oh, big budget cinema. Oh, no, I'm all about independent cinema.

Get over yourself. Then I watched the first Iron Man and I was like, who could do my veins? Inrevenously shot all the rest of them in. Okay, well that story reminded him of a guy he used to work with, right? Says, yeah. Now I like some strange food combos. Peanut butter, cheese toasties, what's it's dipped in hummus. Peanut butter, cheese toasties. Why do I feel like that would be a lot of that?

I think that'd be quite nice. I feel like I could fall over that. Well, he says these are strange food combos. The next one's what's it's dipped in hummus, which I don't find that weird at all. That's the texture there. That's baked beans on a jack of potato, that is. That's mush on mush.

Oh, God, that's my favorite. Fucking disgusting. Yeah. Mush-tastic. Oh, God. What's it's in hummus? Filthy, horrible pervert. But because- Them new big what's it's. No, not in hummus, gold. What's it's in hummus? Filthy, horrible pervert. But because-

Them new big what's it's, am I getting it? No, not in hummus, no. And again, what's it, they're nice, but 20 minutes eating them, 25 minutes getting them out your teeth. Don't even, they're so good. Yeah. Because the cheese I get, that leered on my cheese,

it's like nutty. I'm sure it's got like a nut, cheese can be nutty. Peanut butter cheese toastie. Oh, amazing, mate. Kidding us. That's, I'm going to be thinking, I'm going to have, I'm having one for my lunch today. As soon as we finish this I'm getting one on the go. Oh yeah actually.

We've got peanut butter? Yeah, of course we have. Okay, yeah, yeah. Well done. How do I do it? Do I Google it? Is it a thing? Just put it on the inside.

I've introduced Chris to ham and cheese croissants. Ham and cheese croissants, very nice. Don't like the way you say croissant by the way? It's croissant. It's croissant, you say, so you, so people either say, so people either say croissant. Hate that. Or they say croissant.

You say croissant. Which upsets as you marry the two together. I hear you in the kitchen going, Robin, Robin, do you want a croissant? Faith, do you want a croissant? Faith, do you want a croissant? I pride myself on saying foods right, other than when I said sandwich on the Greggs ad-food and sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat

in the middle of the night. And yogurt, yogurt, yogurt. Right, okay. It is croissant. Not croissant. So, croissant. So people say croissant. Hate that.

Or people say croissant. Croissant. Right? I'm not saying croissant. Well, you'll say croissant. I'm saying croissant. I hate that. Or people say croissant. Croissant. Right? I'm not saying croissant. Well you'll say croissant. I'm saying croissant because I'm English. You'll say croissant? You'll say croissant?

Where's the Q you with the beginning of that? Croissant. Croissant? Croissant. Oh God. Anyway. Look, but I'll say croissant. Without the T?

Croissant. Yeah, but you'll say croissant. Do you want to? It just sounds. It just sounds. It just sounds. Do you T? Croissant, yeah, but you're like, croissant! Do you wanna, it just sounds, it just sounds, it just, do you know what I mean? All right, Jesus. It just sounds, you know, hanging out, hanging out the front door in the 90s in the middle of the street.

Kids! Your fish fingers are ready! Do you know what I mean? No, it was just always someone's mom saying, your T's ready. T's ready. Your tea's ready! Your tea's ready! Then we'll just run. Right, ready?

Yeah. So this guy at work, right? Apparently this guy absolutely took the piss. Every lunch, you would have a packet of smoked salmon and a banana. Oh, you fucking hell man. You'd wrap the banana in salmon like some sort of horrendous sushi. No! What? No! Yeah. Sorry, I thought they were just talking about how much he fucking stank later.

No, no, he'd wrap it like sushi. Banana, smoked salmon sushi. He would wrap the banana in smoked salmon. Yeah, and weirdly when we say it more, I don't think it's that bad, is it? No. It's not like avocado. Same texture as avocado. No, then on special occasions, you would add cashew nuts to the mix. The thought of the texture combination alone makes me gag. Salmon wrapped banana, not a thing.

No, I think he's just made it up. You can have salmon baked in a banana leaf. He's obviously, he's read that and gone mental. Mm-hmm! Yeah! Oh, that's how they make black cod. Oh my God, I used that black cod. Oh, so good. It's like a peanut butter cheese toast is the thing.

Yeah, grilled cheese and peanut butter sandwich recipe. Oh. I wonder if Robin would like that for tea. Oh, God. Oh, it looks, oh, it looks gooey! by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the Saint Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago. Buy your tickets today at mcmichael.com,

home to the art of Canada. Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back, with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes.

Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Hey, it's Jessi Crickshank from Phone a Friend, here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Acast Creative.

I had the pleasure of hosting Kat and Nat from Unfiltered in my Airbnb. Can I ask you this? I don't even think I know how you met initially. High school. You'll remember it, grade nine in high school. No, I did not. That's great.

Do you want the PG version? Coincidental friends. No, I don't want the PG version. I'm sorry, not coincidental friends. We're holding champagne. In common moons. When your guests are staying in your Airbnb, I don't want the PG version. We're holding champagne. In common, friends. When your guests are staying in your Airbnb, I think technically you can ask them anything.

And I did. Listen to Phone a Friend wherever you find your podcasts. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Do you wanna learn about some history? Some history. Do you wanna learn a bit of history? Yeah. Hi Rosie and Chris. Hey, psst, hey kids,

do you want to take a drug? For your brain. Do you want to take a history drug with me? Get drugged up on history? Do you want to learn about some history? Yeah, but you know it's tragic. Listen to this next bit. I am a professional historian of religion

and work for the Church of England's biggest Vicca training college. And they listen to this book. No way. Yeah. I've just finished episode 273 in brackets documenting my tits off. I'm so sorry to say that Rosie's adage that it always comes down to garden tiddlers. God and tiddlers. Garden tiddlers. Yeah. It's often sadly all too true. Yeah. However. Yeah. This's often sadly all too true. However, this is the history part. I wonder if you are both familiar with the book, The Nuns of Sant'Ambrogio.

Just finished that this morning. You caught, caught. I'm a familiar. I just finished it this morning for the third time. You don't read. Unless it's a Lee Child book or a UFC fighter's autobiography. I'm not reading it. Anyway, the Nuns of St. Ambrogio by Professor Hubert Wolf. Great. Basically. Sorry, sorry. You listen. You're the person who's emailed in. I'm buzzing that you

do this job and you're a professional historian. you're obviously very clever, but you listen to this podcast, you are 270 odd episodes in, you are up to date, of course you know we're not fucking, we're not in any way aware of that book that you've just talked about. Hey, you never know, I'm not being funny, I might not read right much, but I listen to a lot of podcasts. Well, yeah, but what you love doing, what you love doing, and this is starting to annoy me actually, you little extra beef for this episode, you love telling me or someone

that you read something recently and it turns out that you just saw it on Instagram and heard it on a podcast. Yes, we know. It's your favourite thing. I read this recently, saw it on a podcast. Yeah, saw it and listened to it on a podcast. Saw it on an Insta podcast.

Listen. Graham. Basically. Talk. This professor went into the Vatican archives when they were declassified in order to discover why a certain nunnery had been closed down in the 1800s. Someone went in and booked them all.

No. No? Listen. Sorry. What he discovered was a bizarre tale of a mysterious cult centred on a beautiful nun called Marie Louisa, which involved dark practices and lesbian initiation rights, when other nuns threatened to blow the whistle, she started poisoning them. Whaaaaat?

It's an amazing read, and slightly disproves Rosie's theory that you never see a woman saying, look this out or suck me tits for God. Any thanks? I can't, sorry! The fact that this historian who was emailed in is sitting in my head now, they're by candlelight, right? Oh! They've got something, well listen, they're by candlelight, they've got a quill, and they've

got some kind of old radio that's somehow playing our podcast, and you have just said, no woman ever says lickers out of something just for God, and they've slammed their quill down and went, that's inaccurate, I must contact the podcast at me. It's difficult. Yeah, but listen to this, it says many thanks, and it's from, I don't wanna say, no, it's from Joseph, that's fine.

Joseph, thank you very much. P.S. Jesus' dad? Jesus? Joseph. The God, Joseph! Joseph and his dad. You don't know anything about Jesus' dad,

shut your face. Yeah, he was's dad. Shut your face. Yeah he was. Okay. P.S. At the end of the book he suggests that Marie Louisa was being encouraged to do all of this by the priest who heard her confessions. The priest had fallen in love with her. Perhaps it is all about Tiddlers after all. In brackets, sad.

It's true. So she wasn't even doing it all for her. She was doing it for... Which she might have been. That's absolute conjecture. Absolute conjecture. Ch-cha, ch-cha-cha, ch-cha. Is it true? You know the confessions that people do?

Is it true that obviously they can't say anything, but unless you commit, like, admit to murder, then they can? I think, well, yeah, I mean... Do you think people often go into priesthood just to hear everyone's gossip? Yeah. A very small part of the job, so I doubt it very much. God, I would love that. You would love that, just that bit.

Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, but I think you've got to do all the other stuff to be able to qualify for the building with that bit. I think that's like the office party, innit? That's like, I get to do the good bit. That's like your staff discount. Yeah, be like, get I get to do the good bit. That's like your staff discount. Yeah.

Be like, get me in that professional box. I think the same, I think anywhere where they're like, this is confidential. I think they tell. I don't know. I don't think they do that. I don't think they run out. They'll all go in the staff room and go, Oh, she's just been in. You're joking us, aren't you?

She's been in. Murderous Mary. No, I don't think they'd have to tell them that. I don't think they do. If it's a mortal sin they have to. Right. Although I don't know. But then they go are you alright now? Thou shalt not kill. If you've told everyone. Yeah. I don't know how it works. Yeah I don't know. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hello. Listening to episodes 268, hearing Chris say about quicksand and expecting it to be a bigger part of his life. Yeah.

So true. 100%. Can't believe I've never been caught in it. I know, just genuinely thought it was huge. I don't even know if it's a real thing. Massive. This person who has emailed in says, mine was piranhas. Yes! For some reason I thought they'd play a bigger part in my adult life. Yeah.

Battling piranhas left, right and centre, but nope. I think it was, I think I 100% agree. I think, so I remember there was a film, was it called, let's find out, I'm sure it was called Killer Fish. Two seconds. Oh. Yeah, Killer Fish was a called Killer Fish. Yeah, it was a movie made in 1979, horror sci-fi called Killer Fish.

What was it about? Thieves try to recover gems from a lake which a double crossing partner has stocked with mind-eating piranhas. Wow. Yeah. And I remember, so it's like a dam. I remember one of the lines being like, who put piranha in the dam?

Someone says, oh. But wasn't there a whole film like called Piranha? Yeah, that was later on. This was 1979. So this was, I watched this. I think we had it on tape. Oh, it was on one side. Oh, gosh. And it was just on, this was 1979, so I watched this, I think we had it on tape, or it was on one side, and it was just like, literally,

but it was like the water was like a blender, like they put their hand in and the hand was gone immediately. That's not how piranha work. Chris, I hate open water. Yeah. I hate it, because we are the children of the Jaws generation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Not just Jaws, fucking Godzilla. All of them. Just fucking Godzilla all of them stuff just like how deep is that what's in it don't know yeah I'm not going in then bite their legs off yeah yeah yeah do you not remember when we've talked about before but it's still I can't get over the fact when I was talking about this here to someone it was when we got a boat I think you were amazing on my honeymoon

and the guy dropped off and it was literally, do you know when the ocean's black? Yeah, I mean it was dark blue. Dark, dark, dark blue. Oh God, but it was so far out to sea. It was so deep. It was so deep. And the lovely Greek man and his daughter,

who were just so lovely, we were taking them around. They made her dinner and everything. Made her dinner, it was absolutely gorgeous. He was just like, go on, get jumping. Something as usual. I jumped off the boat and swam around so quick, back to the steps and got up the steps Midredden, it was absolutely gorgeous. He was just like, go on, get jumping. I jumped off the boat and swam around so quick back to the steps and got to the steps and he was like, what the hell's the matter? I jumped off once and I was like, I'm not doing it again. I can't be in this water. It's awful.

I find it terrifying. But I was like, what? That's the thing though. I remember I was talking about this with someone the other day and they were like, well, what could possibly happen? And I was like, well, I know- Get me leg chopped off by a piranha? So mine isn't that. So mine is well so when it's really that I've not told you this when it's that deep when it's that mad mad deep it's like a massive hand coming out and getting this and it gets us in a drag or not or it's a massive tentacle but it's like as thick as a bus like bigger like mad like huge big. And it just comes up and just grabs us and pulls us down.

All right, okay. And then you listen and you go, well, that couldn't happen. You go, it can't happen until the first time it happens. Until you see it on the news. And you go, and I'll be that guy. I'll be the guy who got pulled under by the giant hand. Oh, did you see the giant hand thing? Oh yeah, my God, it just pulled,

it was a comedian or something, wasn't he? It just pulled him over. Well, what is the giant hand? Well, I don't know, they're trying to find out what it is. There's always a first time for something. I agree. The giant hand, look out for the giant hand. Never thought I'd not be allowed to leave my house

for two years. There you go. There you fucking go. Until it happens, so. So, giant hand, not so stupid now, is it? I mean, mine's very much more just a, if a fish touches it in the water, I'm like, nope, gone, bye. Get me out of here. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

Hi Rosie and Chris. I know most aches are about partners, but have you ever thought about aches from your own children? Now, of course. Oh God. Now, of course I love my wonderful five year old son but the way he spits his toothpaste into the sink when I brush his teeth actually gives me the itch. I feel you'll be able to sympathise as you have your own, do you have your own kid itch? When Robin

brushes his teeth and I go, he goes into spit and I have to, every time I go, don't do it, don't do it crazy, just do it normal. Cause sometimes you just lean in and go, and spit it out, it's good. But sometimes he leans in and he like takes a breath in and he like fucking cocks his head back and he just goes like, oh, it goes fucking everywhere, like bounces back and that.

So I go, don't. No, but it's annoying. It's annoying. It's really annoying. I hate it. I'll tell you what Robin did yesterday. When the in the back garden and he's got an air... It was freezing, right? I was watering the plants. I sprayed him with water because he's just got an air filter since...

Well, I heard him asking you to spray him with water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves it, right? He just loves being in this freezing cold of water. He's never reacted to it. He's never been bothered by it at all. No. Did you hear what he said though? He went and sat on his bike. He went, ma' mam, he went, POV, trying to impress girls. And he just sat on his bike with his hand behind his head.

I was like, what's happening? And then Rafe literally went, mam, POV. Sick of POV. Just listen to the girl. POV's a bit icky, isn't it? Absolutely fed up with POV. If you remind us, because I don't think we've got much longer to be able to do it, because it's Robin keeps doing it, which is upsetting in itself, but Rafe can't say trucker at all. And so he says fucker. He just says fucker. Like there's no even trying to say it. So Robin keeps getting them to say it. I'm a little trucker. Which is awful because Robin's literally only eight and like

he knows all these things man. So anyway. He's never said it, I've never heard him swear so Robin. No he wouldn't dare. He wouldn't dare I don't think but he knows what it is. He knows what it is. So he keeps going and Rafe goes, Rafe say I'm a little trucker and Rafe's like I'm a little fucker. And I feel like I need to, I'm gonna record it and I'm gonna play you all it next week. Just so you've all heard it and we've got our system right and then we can all get back on with real life. Now tune in next week to hear a three year old say fucker. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.

Got another one, ready? Hi Ramses, my boyfriend sits down in the shower. I call them, I call them his side showers He looks like a massive toddler having a tantrum Why is he sitting down in the shower Memory unlocked memory unlocked. Yeah holiday lads holiday. I went on years ago. Uh-huh. Mate of mine used to kept saying Right back in a bit, lad's gone for a lie down shower.

He used to go, said, because he got too hot, he used to go upstairs to the room, turn the cold shower on, lie down in the shower and let the cold water hit him while he was lying down in the bath shower. It was a wank. Told me years later, oh no, it was a wank. The lad was going up three, four times a day.

Unbelievable. Literally going, right, lie down, shower. Everyone's going, oh, he's mental, isn't he? Seriously? Yeah. Okay. What do you do when stag do? Isn't that you just go over wanks?

You just bang each other off. Great. Is that what it is? That's what stag stands for, doesn't it? Stud, tossing, and grinning. Oh, well done, all right. Yeah. That was on the fly, that was on the fly.

And then hen do is happy eating, noonies. There it is. Yeah. All of that false, all of that false. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Dear Rosie and Chris, I in fact have an update on this story. Oh, hang on, what was his story? I don't think I've read the first story, I may have.

Alright, here we go. So this first, the sent mark to the first story, the second one sent in April. I'll read it from the beginning, here we go. Long time listener, first time emailer, but when my dad told me this, I thought it was fucking hilarious, so I had to send it in. Ready? So my uncle Mick has recently died. In brackets not the funny bit. That's hilarious. Sorry. I'm joking man. But afterwards my dad and his other brother, let's call him Tim, went round to my late uncles flat to sort things out and organise his stuff and all that jazz. My dad said to Tim that if he saw anything around the place that he liked he should take it as a momento and something for his daughter, Jamie.

If he thought she would like it. Just taking stuff from his house? Yeah. Anything you fancy? Just a free for all of them? Just a man's life? Just a free for all of them? Well that's kind of what happens. Well does your daughter fancy anything as well? I just take it, I fuck them. Great. Kind of what happens unless you open up a pile of money. I wouldn fucking take it. I fuck them. Great. Kind of what happens unless you've bloody open up a pile of money. And then you just wouldn't give it to them.

Don't want to. So. Sorry, what were you trying to speak there? What were them noises? We're doing a mumble. We're going to have to. But you're. But you're. But you're. So my uncle Tim was looking around and went into the bedside table and found a silver bangle.

He turned to my dad and said, oh, you don't need another bangle because you've already got one and then starts trying to put it on. It doesn't fit and is just getting stuck on his knuckles. Oh what's this? For some context my dad had gone round before this and thrown out some other typical bedside table stuff from the drawer, you know the physical equivalent of deleting a search history. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad looks round at what he's doing and turns and says, Tim, I think that was Mick's cock ring. Tim replies, oh yeah, not really listening,

and then proudly states, I'll take it home for Jamie. Which means that to remember my late uncle Mick, my cousin Jamie is being given his cock ring. Hey Mick sounds like Mick died of a bad back if his cock ring looks like a fucking bracelet. I know. Heavens above. Do you want to hear the update? I haven't read the update so. Okay. Are you ready? Come on then. I don't know what this says. Great. Dear Rosie I do remember reading that I thought this was the cock ring story not the update. Dear Rosie and Chris. Sorry the fuck did I keep. Cock rings that big you try and put it on as a bracelet go on Mick make the dick. I've never seen a cock ring in person I don't think. In person? Well I just don't think I have. Just on the internet. The metal ones freak us out though. Weird. Anyway dear Rosian Chris I in fact have an update on this

story. Oh gosh. We went to the funeral, which was a lovely tribute to my uncle, and half way through the week my uncle Tim was talking to me and my brother about the bangle. It's not a bangle. He informed us that he worked out the clasp and had been able to fit it on his wrist so had not given it to my cousin. Shut the fuck up. He's kept it. He happily wore it for several days before he realised there was an inscription on it.

No. So took it off to have a closer look. Oh. So you haven't proofread this. This is the first time you're reading this. I have not. The cock ring. So it's the one that goes around balls and cock then. That's why it opens up. Right. So it opens up and it's inscribed. Inscribed. The cock ring in fact had Kiss me inscribed in the silver. Oh, Mick. Tim still doesn't know it's a cock ring and just thought it was a bit fruity of Mick to have as a bracelet,

so stop wearing it. In brackets, Mick was gay. It's for the best. Oh, okay. We did not tell Tim that it was a cock ring, but he could not understand why we found the story so funny that we were crying, laughing it in the middle of the week.

Oh, wow. Please keep me anonymous, I have changed everyone's names. Oh, but you know what? I mean, sadly, I don't know how Mick died, but he'd probably be laughing his head off. Yeah. Not being funny. That's great, yeah. That is good.

That is beautiful, yeah. I mean, not beautiful, but comedically beautiful. Actually disgusting, but you know, we're gonna all have a laugh. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Quick Ick for you both. Quick Ick Ick Ick Ick. Quick Ick. It's barely dark and I've just witnessed me neighbour putting his bins out with a head torch on. Oh god. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode which was the Out of Office Reply.

We'll be back normally next week. And what's this part of? Some kind of network? Ecast created a network. There it is. I was getting there. Why can't I do the out roll? What do you mean?

Because you do it, go on. Why can't I do the out row? What do you mean? Because you do it. Go on. Do the out row behind the curtain. All that bullshit. Good way to flip this round when you forgot your one job. One job. Guys, thank you so much for listening. As always, if you want to get in touch at shagmireandord at jmail.com. We'll be back in eight years next week. Bye! Come, we'll be back in your ears next week. Bye! Bye! Do do do do!

I'm Sarah Milroy, director of the McMichael Canadian Art Collection in Kleinberg. If you love Impressionism, you'll love what we have on view this summer at the Gallery. River of Dreams, Impressionism on the St. Lawrence, features more than 150 sublime works by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the St. Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago. Buy your tickets today at mcmichael.com,

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Crickshang from Phone a Friend here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Acast Creative. I had the pleasure of hosting Kat Nat from Unfiltered in my Airbnb. Can I ask you this? I don't even think I know how you met initially. High school. You remember it grade nine in high school. Yeah, grade nine. No, I did not. Do you want the PG version? No, I don't want the PG version. We're holding champagne at noon.

In common friends. When your guests are staying in your Airbnb, I think technically you can ask them anything. And I did. Listen to Phone a Friend wherever you find your podcasts.