Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 279. All My Fellas

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Chris and Rosie are back from their holidays and get ready for the drama which started before they even landed! The pair explain what happened on their flight and why they have so much respect for Doctors and flight attendants. They talk about alternative ways of living together, secret hugs, travel neck pillows and kids holiday fashion.Only one beef this week and QFTP's cover other uses for nappies, Minecraft icks and a fly in a concerning place. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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and find the ETF that's right for you. Commissions, fees, and expenses may apply. Read the funds or ETFs perspectives before investing. Funds and ETFs are not guaranteed. Their values change and past performance may not be repeated. Hey, it's Jessi Crickshank from Phone a Friend here to tell you about a very special episode presented by Airbnb and Acast Creative. I had the pleasure of hosting Kat Nat from Unfiltered in my Airbnb. Can I ask you this? I don't even think I know how you met initially. High school.

You remember, grade nine in high school. Yeah, grade nine. No, I did not. That's great. Do you want the PG version? No, I don't want the PG version. We're holding champagne. In common moons. When your guests are staying in your Airbnb, I think technically you can ask them anything. And I did.

Listen to Phone a Friend wherever you find your podcasts. anything and I did. Listen to Phone a Friend wherever you find your podcasts. Hello you're listening to Shagmire Denoyed with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband who I just look after children with Christopher Ramsey. Oh we've been on holiday. Oh my god. Instagram and everything tells you that it's all good and it's roses and it's beautiful and they're in the sun and they're having a lovely time and it's actually fucking... I was more tired after this holiday than I was after being on tour. Bullshit isn't it? It's absolute bullshit. And I understand, I understand there might be people out there going well you're lucky

to have a holiday this... Well that's, yes I understand some people can't have a holiday or whatever but it's fucking hell with two kids. It's not a holiday. I've said it before and I stand by it. I don't care. I don't give a shit what you think. It's not a fucking holiday.

It's just parenting somewhere where it's hot without any of your stuff. It's the added stuff as well though. It's that added like, oh by the way they can't just run around outside you've got to make sure there's cream on them every five seconds or they're gonna get burnt. Oh they've got enough water. Oh by the way, oh they've been on a plane neither of them are shitting for two days. I don't think they eat any vegetables either. No, no. That was..., no, check your privilege. Yeah. Because it is true.

A lot of people can't currently afford holidays and we're very lucky that we managed to get on one. Yeah. But at the same time, hell. It's all relevant, isn't it? You whinge about what you experience. That is true, Chris. Is what it is.

And listen, I... But we're back. Yeah, and I can't help but notice that you are a little bit groggy. You seem a little bit, you know, you're not sort of fully on final on cylinders even though I did just do the loudest sneeze on earth just before we recorded which I thought would have woke you up and sorted you out but alas it didn't. It was horrible. It was really horrible. It caught me by surprise. It was such a loud sneeze. I sneezed in your face and then you

just put your head in your hands and went, oh god! So that was fun. I just sometimes, honestly, I wanna just be by myself. There it is. And I've, there it is. No, no, I know what you're saying, you know, I said I didn't really have a beef this week. I do have a beef this week, and it's that you constantly just say

that you wanna live by yourself. I do. I don't wanna live by myself. I just want like a day on my own. Yeah. Like sometimes. Yeah. Or a week maybe.

Weren't we talking about, weren't we talking to someone recently and they were saying how they'd split up by the partner and they have the kids one some days and they have them the other days and we were like oh. That sounded, honestly sounded like bliss. That sounds fucking awesome. I'm wondering whether but I just think we should like change the, I don't know, let's mix it up a bit. Change the status quo. Yeah fuck it, well like let's. It's like how they're trying to experiment around the world. They're wrecking their experiment in loads of different countries with a four-day work and a week instead of a five-day work and a week. I totally agree with that.

Should we do like a, like a look, we'll live together, we'll love each other, but on like two days of the week, one year's just fucks off. Yeah. Yeah? I think we should. You have two days away, I have two days away, then we'll come back and then we'll do the other three days together. I think we should, and I think we'll be together for longer. Two, four, five, six, seven, yeah. I did the maths. I'm up for it. Correct maths.

I'm up for it. Okay. Bag's not been here on weekends. Oh God, okay. One last thing I'm gonna say. Do you know when people are like, oh, my parents split up, it was so sad, it was so upsetting, you know whose fault it was?

Yeah. Theirs. When they were younger. Yeah. That's not the case. It's true. That is not the case for everyone. It's true.

You can't, no. We wouldn't fight without them kids. I know we wouldn't. We wouldn't fight. We didn't have a crossword until Rob was born. I remember the first time we had a fight when Rob was born. We were like, how's this happened? Remember, we had a massive round. We were like, that's the first round we've ever had. It was insane. Yeah, it's their fault. Oh it is. Yeah, they're a nightmare. They're an absolute fucking nightmare. But you can't put that on them. And there it is. Listen, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. This is episode 279.

We're sort of, we're playing about. We are happy. There was some lovely parts of the holiday and we did have a lovely time. This is what really gets us because there was moments on that holiday I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Looked at my little family and I was like, this is bliss.

But then there was other times when I was like, you entitled little fuckers. You're so lucky to be here. Yeah, this is a nice hotel You don't have no idea how lucky you are. You stop being a little Say twat no, no, don't say the C word say twat twat there it is. I know what you mean. I know you mean It's all good though. It's you mean. It's all good though. It's all good. It's all good. You good?

I am good. I'm just gonna keep saying it's all good. I know it's all good. It is time obviously for our lucrative sponsor. And because we are in the summer holiday season, it is a summer holiday based sponsor. This week's lucrative. Happy summer holidays everyone.

Happy summer holidays everyone. Yes, happy. I hope you're all enjoying the pissing down rain that we're having in the northeast of England currently, but there it is. Happy Scramble for childcare everyone. There it is. 2024 doesn't actually work anymore. This week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is, and the Doomy Tits, and I hate them every time I've seen them, and I don't know if I've mentioned them before, but here it goes. People who walk around the airport with their travel pillow around their neck. You fucking big, giant, lazy twats. I hate them.

It's kids mostly, isn't it? No, adults. Adults who walk around. I saw so many of them. Get on a two hour flight as well. Oh, I've got my pillow for me sleep that I need. You're pathetic. And actually, can I just say, have you ever used one?

They're horrible. They're shit. Yeah, they're absolutely horrible. Like, they don't do anything? I've got my pillow on. for me sleep that I need. Oh, you're pathetic. Yeah, and actually, can I just say, have you ever used one? They're horrible. They're shit.

Yeah, they're absolutely horrible. Like, they don't do anything? I've got my pillow on to sit down for me two hours. Oh my God. If you're going long haul, I understand, but there's people getting on our flight with their travel pillows around the neck, and I'm like, one, it's not a mad early morning flight.

The flight is a 20 to 12. I nearly opened this kid up and I was in W. Ed Smith's in the airport and it was a teenager, not a teenager. I'm not joking, he must have been fucking 16. Okay. And he was buying a travel pillow. Right. And I literally wanted to turn around and go, you do not know what fucking tired is. It's not fair. Nah, he was like, I'll go, and he's, he's made, there was an offer where they're gonna got two for a tenner or something and they were like, oh yeah, we both need them. You fucking don't!

You don't need a travel pillow and you certainly don't need to walk around the airport so you're just ready to fall asleep wherever you are. That's not very nice Chris. No, they can fuck off. I can't bear looking at them. By the way, Giant fucking zombie babies with big pillows around their head. Great, brilliant.

The kids didn't end up being as icky on holiday as what I thought they would be. Icky? Like tacky. I know, but yeah. I managed to mix it up a little bit and I left a lot of it at home and they didn't realise. being as icky on holidays what I thought they would be. Adam's Mom- Icky? Kirsty- Like tacky. Adam's Mom- Oh no, but yeah. Kirsty- I managed to mix it up a little bit and I left a lot of it at home. Adam's Mom- The Crocs never came off. Kirsty- The Crocs never came off. Kirsty- My God, they did not. I took three pairs of shoes, right? I took a pair trainers for them each.

Adam's Mom- Yep. Kirsty- I brought some nice like sandals for the night time and the Crocs. And they just wore the Crocs the whole time. Adam's Mom- Just Crocs. Night and day. Pool, breakfast, pool, everything, Crocs. And in the hotel shop, there was new croc charms. So Robin was changing up his croc charms. Loved a bit of that.

Eagle-eyed. Cute. They didn't look that bad actually, they looked alright. And again, I have started blocking out their faces. People on Instagram were like, why are you not showing their face anymore? Honestly, do you wanna know? Pidos and weirdos.

That's why I don't show my kids' faces, because I just think, you know. People can Photoshop them into stuff. AI freaks me out. If someone AI's me, then I'm like, well fair enough, whatever. Make us look a bit nicer. If someone AI's me kids, that would tip us over the edge.

So, yeah, they've gone from the existence of me Instagram, you know, just deleted everything. Just like it never happened. Well, they will go, and I fully agree with that. Yeah. Yeah. I do like changing their faces into little glasses of wine and that though. That's quite fun. Glasses of wine showing what we need for dealing with them for a full holiday.

Yeah. We had a fight about the jingle jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle jingle. So this is the jingle jingle. we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba, jingle. So we are back, welcome back yourselves to Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Yeah. Just to let you in on what happened on the holiday. Yeah.

Very nearly didn't get there, didn't we not Chris? Lot of drama on that flight. Lot of drama. Mad, like mad. Right next to us. Big love to the staff. Oh, I was gonna say that. Of the jet two flight to Mulligar that day.

You know who you are. And big love to the- I know, I could tell you the number if you want. Bit weird. Is it? And big love to the three doctors. Oh my, yeah, yeah, yeah. So picture the scene, Rosie and the two kids

are in a three to my right, then there's the aisle, then there's me. Yeah, why does that happen, by the way? What do you mean? Just, we just, I don't know, us moms always just get stuck with the kids. I don't know why. They literally wanted to sit next to you.

You literally sat there going, I'm the favourite, I'm the best. That's why they want to sit next to you. Just remember, when they, I'm the favourite, I'm the best. That's why they want to sit next to you. Just remember when they're older, they want to do all the playing of the stuff that I'm going to be like, daddy will take you, because I've put my shift in me. Okay, and just remember-

I've got a note here. I've got a note here, by the way. It just, it's all, it's just three words. Do you want to hear what it says? Just about the holiday. It just says, I did everything. Good. And can you remember all of this?

Remember all of this? Everyone listening, remind all of this? Remember all of this? Everyone listening, remind her of this when the inevitable post or whinge on the podcast of you and the boys just do stuff together and I'm left on my own. Honestly, I know that is a worry of mine. You will see that.

And it does worry us because I do want a daughter. But at the same time right now, honestly, I could go to Fortnite without yous. I'm going away with the girls in a couple of days. I might not come back. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic.

Don't FaceTime, do not ring me. Oh, no. At all. Oh, do you think I don't want some time off from you? Yeah. Think you're a real sunshine mate. You're fucking hard work as well. No, I know I am.

Buddy, old buddy, old pal. I know I'm hard work. Yeah. So, you're sitting in a three, yeah? Yeah, sorry, back to the drama of the jet two flight. Adam We're all in one row. It goes two strangers, me, I'll, Rosie, two kids. Kirsty Yeah. Adam The three behind you, so to my sharp right over my shoulder,

Kirsty Mm-hmm. Adam The basically a hostess and hostees, hostess, a... Kirsty There were women, so you can say hostess. Canada. I don't know. I don't know what to say. Help, someone help. Someone help, I wanna stay.

A stewards. A stewardess. Oh God, oh God, please, I'm sweating. The A jet to staff people. Yeah, well done. That really well avoided. God, that's fucking seamless. Would like to try to be inclusive? Absolutely seamless. Yes. People. Yeah, well done. That really well avoided. God, I'm fucking seamless, am I? Seamless.

Try being inclusive. Absolutely seamless. They were serving drinks, and the lady on the, basically behind you, to my direct right, was like, excuse me, excuse me! And I was like, fuck it, she wants a drink. At first I was like, wow, she is a rude fucker.

Yeah. Can I get some help? And I looked at the bloke next to her so it went her on our own yeah and then a couple older man and woman I looked at the bloke and I was like he's fucking dying like he looked like the walking dead he was good his fucking arms were like flailing he was boy was all and I turned to you and I went, we are gonna land somewhere else. We are not getting it.

It looked like his soul was leaving his body. It was horrible. I got a bit emotional. I did, I was crying a little bit. It was really intense. They came over and got him, they're like, sir, sir, sir. Obviously stopped the drinks. They were so quick.

Honestly, they were unbelievable. They were so, so quick. And then they did that thing where they were like, and they were getting the stuff, and they were like, is there any medical, anyone on board with medical? Three doctors, bump straight up. Holiday, sorry, fucking drink down, whatever it was, bump straight up, three of them.

Spoiler, yeah. By the way, we're able to talk about this because just like the man did not pass away, thank goodness. He was okay by the end. I was gonna tease that. I was gonna tease that until right at the the man did not pass away, thank goodness. He was okay by the end. I was gonna tease that. I was gonna tease that until right at the end of the podcast. Oh, were you? Yeah. What?

No, I wasn't, no, I'm not, I kinda dickhead. I wasn't, no, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, he was fine in the end. Three doctors, man. We had to be fine. Lucky day. They put a fucking cannula in him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They literally had the drip, they put the thing in his vein that did like actual medical procedures on there. Unbelievable. Three of them. Absolutely incredible. Happy holidays! But I was like...

Imagine being a doctor. Imagine that. Just constantly at work. Yeah. Absolutely not. Didn't you say they do an oath? The Hippocratic oath, yeah, yeah. It's mad. They were amazing by the way. Absolutely unbelievable. Very... You know, saved his life. Yeah, 100%.

Just wanted to add that our kids were in front of all of this drama going on, genuinely. Didn't raise their heads from the iPad. Had no idea what's happening. The only time that Robin did was when I handed them this because the man, bless him, was vomiting. Yeah. And Robin is very, like Robin can't even eat his dinner next to us, right? He's like this weirdly sort of squeamish. And Robin was like, is he being sick?

And I was like this, Robin, that man nearly died. You dare cause a scene. And I went, he's not being sick. I lied to him, he's not being sick. It's just in case. And literally the man, bleh, I was like, fuck's sake. Anyway, it was very, very dramatic. Most impressive, well, most incredible bit about it for me is the Jet 2 staff who I was chatting to, who were phenomenal.

I was going to the front and getting like drinks of water for the guy's wife and everything. I was full on... She loved you. She loved me, didn't she? She absolutely loved you. She had no idea who you were, by the way. And I, bless her. She's not my target audience, but carry on. She couldn't stop singing your praises, right? Yeah.

And... Because I got her a couple of drinks of water, I made sure she was okay. Yeah. And I was like, what's he done for you? She was like, you got us a drink. I was like, is that it? Is that all he's done? She literally was like, he is, he's fantastic, him.

Is that your husband? He is wonderful. I thought he's got you. He's fucking just bought you Pepsi Max. More of her. More of her. You know what? We should get her on speed dial.

We should get her on speed dial for when you're in a bit of a mood. She was so impressed by you. Because I'm fucking, I'm an impressive guy. I was like, I've offered you three Polos. And I'm sat here, you know. She didn't want a Polo, she wanted a drink. Trying to get the poor woman a Polo's for. I know, but I said, it was all a bit shock. It was, yeah, it was a lot.

Didn't read any of my book. Yeah, he got up like it never happened, the fella. He was basically passed out for a few years. The most incredible bit about it for me was, as I say, I was talking to the staff and they said, we'll get complaints about this. Oh yeah, because people didn't get their duty free. Yeah, and they went, we didn't get the drinks out in time.

We didn't get the duty free. We'll get loads of complaints. I went, you are fucking kidding me. And none of our people would be like, I didn't get it. So the moment, so I was sort of slightly away from it because I had to move for the lady to sit in my seat. And the moment I thought, I think this guy's gonna be okay,

was when the staff came down with a bottle of champagne for someone who he rose down and gave them a bottle of champagne and they all poured the champagne and went, cheers. I thought, visually, I think we're through the worst of it. Because literally 10 feet away. Like people were cheersing. And for the whole thing, they were like,

where's my champagne? By the way, I haven't told you this at one point. So I was sat next to the open medical bag on the floor in the air hose desk. We had to sit with it because it was open needles, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I listened to too many true crime podcasts and I watched too many documentaries.

Generally, I thought there'd be a stabbing, right? I was sat there freaking out. What's wrong with you? I don't know. I literally couldn't take me. She was watching this. She was like, I can't move because there's an open needle here. No, she did move at one point and she went look after that.

And I literally was like, don't leave me. That's annoying because they wouldn't let me look after it. I said, do you want me to look after that? She went, I'm not allowed. She let you. I think she literally just turned her head. It was like, and then, but I was just kind of like,

someone's gonna stand up here, grab this, they're gonna stab me in the neck, they're gonna stab her, they're gonna take over the flight, and that's it. And honestly, I couldn't rest. With a needle? Oh, I don't know. 20 minutes, Chris, I was on the edge.

With a needle? Do you know how difficult it would be to kill someone with a syringe? Unless you pump air into their vein, which would be instant. There you go. So that's what...oh sorry, so the thing I've just told you that you didn't know was a thing. I just thought they could just go on a stab fest. You need to stop listening to True Crime and watching this shit.

I love it. I fucking love it. You're ridiculous. I do love it. It's ridiculous. Anyway. Oh my fellas. Oh my God. I've just been left in my notes. Reeve. Oh my fellas. No, not Ree ba do ba. All my fellas. Oh my God, I've just been left in me note.

Reef, no not Reef, Robin. All my fellas. He's got a new phrase, which is all my fellas. All my fellas, said it nonstop, like that, almost for the entire holiday. Anytime he's sitting drawn or he's on his iPad or he's reading a book, all my fellas. He's about to jump in the pool, all my fellas.

Where's he even from? Don't know, some fucking shit he's watching on the iPad. All my fellas. So the worst at the pool. All my fellas. Sitting at his dinner. Don't know some fucking shit he's watching on the iPad. All my fellas. So the worst, one of the worst nights, the absolute worst night of my holiday, one of the worst nights of my year I think. One of the most irritating things that's ever happened to me in my life.

He was sitting, we went for dinner one night and he was sitting and he was going, in between every mouthful he was going, all my fellas. All my fellas. Then, in incredible twist of fate, what happened was he's sitting there at the meal, in between every mouthful, all my fellas. All my fellas then in incredible twist of fate what happened was he's sitting there at the meal in between every mouthful Oh my fellas. Yeah. Oh my fellas all night and when Robin stop it and he literally can't stop right

To the left of us a family sat down and to the right of us a family sat down. Mm-hmm Incredibly, they both had daughters called Arabella. Oh my god. Yeah So all I got for about 25 minutes was oh my fellas Arabella. Oh my god, yeah. Oh my god. So all I got for about 25 minutes was, all my fellas, Arabella, all my fellas, Arabella, all my fellas, Arab, I nearly flipped the fucking table over. Oh, that was it. And I couldn't believe it, I was like, I was like- It's a fun night.

So I thought, I thought I was mishearing the names of the kids. I was like, I've heard all my fellas so much here today, all day, he'd said it, I've heard it so much, I'm assuming these kids are of the kids. I was like, I've heard all my fellas so much here today, all day he'd said it. I've heard it so much I'm assuming these kids are getting the word. All my fellas. entertainment afterwards and I couldn't speak. Oh yeah you were very... yeah you were gone like... and as well, Rafe's got this new thing. I feel terrible slagging them off you know. We don't mean it. We love them to death but I think it's healthy.

It goes without saying. And don't tell them what we're saying this by the way. This goes no further. It goes without saying. This is our safe space. It's a weird thing of people like you shouldn't slag your kids. I think people who, you shouldn't slag your kids. I think people who say you shouldn't slag your children off are people who probably don't have children because they don't understand what it's like. Because the love for them is so absolutely ridiculous.

And I'm saying all this about them, but I would take a bullet for both of them tomorrow. I would jump in front of a fucking train. Oh yeah, isn't that mad? Like I wouldn't die for it. I wouldn't die for you. No, this is fair. Thanks love. I would die for them.

Thank you. What I'll do is I'll just, I'll clip that bit up and I'll just listen. That can be my message tone. Whenever I get a text, whenever that'll be lovely. Just remind me whenever I get a text. I wouldn't die for you, but I'll die for them. Thank you. What I'll do is I'll just I'll clip that bit up and I'll just listen. That can be my message tone. Whenever I get a text, wherever that'll be, love, just remind me whenever I get a text. I wouldn't die for you, but I'd die for them. Would you die for me? Would you die for me?

Sorry, I can't hear you. My headphones are going a bit weird. Sorry, what? Would you? What? Seriously? No, seriously. Come on. If it was me or you? Yes, because I wouldn't want to leave. I wouldn't want to be left. That's not what I asked you. What?

I didn't say if it was like a me or you situation. I said, would you die for me? Well, why am I dying for you? It has to be me or you. All right. OK, fair enough. Talking about. I don't know. You don't want to you just got my Chris. I want you to die today.

OK, love, no bother. It's a me or you situation. If it was me or you. Yeah. 100 percent one, because I wouldn't want the kids to be left without their mom. And two, because I wouldn't want probably rather die than be left just pairing them two fuckers. That is true yeah I'd cope a lot better. So All My Fellas as well was happening at the same time where Rave has started this thing so you're trying to get food in him is like he's the slowest kid in the world and we are a very fast paced family. What he

doesn't fit in right because we are very fast-paced family. Such a slow eater. What? It doesn't fit in, right? Because we are very high-paced. And I think it's because Robyn set the tone of our family. Yeah. Robyn is 100 miles an hour, so we are now 100 miles an hour. However, just to interrupt here, however, there's one thing Robyn's not 100 miles an hour with, but Rafe is 100 miles an hour with. Do you know what it is? I'll give you three guesses.

See if you can get it. Robin is 100 mile an hour with every single thing in his life apart from one thing. Oh, falling asleep. Oh, okay, two things. There's that. And there's another one. Dunno.

Having a shit. Robin nests on it. Raph sits down, bump, done. Raph's like me, just creeps up on him. So Raph started this new thing that when you're trying to get food into him and I'm like ramming the peas in his mouth or I'm like trying to get another bit of dry pasta in his mouth and you go to put it in his mouth and he

just aggressively opens his mouth with food in and points and goes UGH! UGH! It's the rudest thing. So you point at the... so if you can picture this as you're listening, you go to put the food in, you go, you know, here comes the aeroplane bullshit, as the first one, and then you go too soon while he's still chewing. Just opens... mouth opens so you can see the peas. Big point. Still food in there, you bastard. It's the point... I don't mind... I really don't mind your mouth of like, I'm still eating, it's the point, and looking at you like, piece of shit. But's a piece of shit and it's like you're not the one who's

giving him that food I'm literally feeding you I'm doing like the most ridiculous caring thing anyone can do I'm literally putting this food in your mouth so you don't have to look away from your goddamn fucking iPad while we're having dinner in a restaurant yeah get with the rhythm you useless sack of piss. That's basically what he's saying with his eyes. Oh, they hate with, don't they? Actually, they hate with. Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

One last thing. Yeah. Robin made some friends on holiday, which was amazing. First time he's ever like made, you know, had a great time. Holiday crew. Definitely got some complaints from some dickheads around the pool. But that's another story. God, people just fucking hell. Yeah, there was a man and woman who didn't have kids. Well, they on their own and they were sitting on the table.

That is literally at the fucking pool. Like I'm talking less than a meter away from the edge of the pool. Quite a dangerous little table, actually. And she got splashed and she told a 12 year old kid to fuck off. It was amazing. Horrend off. It was amazing. It was amazing. Anyway, that's by the by. Robin wore a hat.

He didn't have pizzas on his hats. He had little pickles on his hat. Pickle Rick from Rick and Morty. Doesn't watch Rick and Morty by the way. I think it's too old for him. But he wanted the cap so he got it. The kids didn't actually find out his real name. Just called him Pickle Boy.

Picklehead. Picklehead. Picklehead Boy. For the whole holiday. To the point where one of their moms went, what's Picklehead's name? And they were like, ehh. But Robin loved it. Well, he's a better kid than I was because that would have, I remember, I don't think I've ever told you this, my first period. Oh God, it's gonna be a weird kid story and I'm gonna go why have I married you? Strap in! Come on. When I got my first pair of rollerblades from Toys R Us one Sunday, went to my mom and dad I remember that was yesterday went up to Toys R Us got my first pair of rollerblades. Was it a birthday or anything? I think it was my birthday. Spent my birthday money. Feel like you might have just got them for nothing. Maybe might have got a I don't know.

I think it's my birthday. It's about my birthday money. I feel like you might have just got them for nothing. Maybe. Might have got a, I don't know. Oh, God. Might have eaten all my cereal that morning. What a life. What a life. Ah, it's just because you lived in a fucking Catherine Cookson book. Honestly. We had to share one biscuit every year.

Shut up, man. I've actually realised that's just because my mom was an almond mom. You see in her fridge now? Oh, it's the saddest thing. My'm like, my mom's fridge is awful. Oh, it's just horrible, horrible. Full of lactose-free cheese. She's not lactose intolerant, she just eats lactose-free shit.

And it's just sad as fuck. Ready to turn red pepper, and it's just like, oh yeah. I hate my mom's fridge it's horrible horrible yeah and then when she comes around I hate it when your mom comes in and catches me just like in the middle of either making like eating a pizza or some beans on toast and just like look at all that I'm like oh man she's just jealous this is the woman who literally has to get out of bed and walk to the co-op to get a bag of jellies, it's no problem. Ha ha ha! So. Just have them in, Sandra.

I'm a Toys R Us, right? Right. With my mom and dad. And I got a helmet for, obviously to go with my roller blades, I got a helmet, I got knee pads, elbow pads, all that stuff. And the helmet was a purple helmet,

and it said, jammer on the front. Okay. Jammer. Like J-A-M-M-E, you've never told me this story. Like jammer, like music, like jammer. J-A-M you've never told me like music like jammer we're jamming yeah like jammer yeah yeah it said jammer on the front and I went out playing with my friends and I was on my roller skates and I had my helmet on and one of the lads was like oh Jammer Rama Jammer burst into tears oh god burst into tears

couldn't handle it, hated it, cried my eyes out. Why? Don't know. Don't know. Cried my eyes out. Rama Jamma. Every time they called me Rama Jamma, I just cried. Hated it. God, you are such a fucking little prick. Rama Jamma. And you cried at Rama Jamma? Rama Jamma. Heartbroken. But Robin... You've just caught downstairs, you've just called me pig dog.

Would you call me all the time? Affectionate. It's an affectionate term. I like Rama Jamma. Rama an affectionate term. I like Rama Jama. Rama Jama, yeah. So I got called Rama Jama. Why'd you cry? How old were you? 10, 11. God. Yeah.

I was soft as fuck like. So what, I mean you will know this by me. I need attention. I thrive on attention. I don't like being ignored. Sometimes I would come out and I'd be the last one to come out in the street. And I'd go over to be mates and they'd all do the choir game and ignore us. Bursting tears run home. Yeah. I think growing up on an estate has damaged you.

Yeah. I really do. I think you've got some deep rooted trauma from your childhood. Yeah. I don't think I experienced any of this. I played, sorry, I grew up on a main road. I didn't play out very often. No. I think it's good that I didn't because because I think there's a lot of bullying goes on in his state.

Because his parents are never this, they don't really know what's going on. There was one lad who was the main bully, like. Right. Yeah, again, if I'm not told about what he was, he was the main bully, and he moved away. So he made me childhood a misery. No, it's really sad.

Absolute misery, tosser, total fucking tosser. Yeah. And he moved away, he was a chronic bullshitter as well. And he moved away to Ponteeland, which obviously it's not that far now, but when you're a kid it's like, oh, he might as well live in France. Never saw him.

He came back to sort of hang out when he could drive and stuff later on. He was two years older than me, but he used to come back now a bit. And then he came back when I was at the same kind of house party as him later on. And I was boxing at the time and he gave us a dead arm, like still thinking that the power dynamic

was the way it was. And I laced him back in the arm and he went, oh, do you want to go blow for blow? So he punched us again in the arm. So I dug him again. And then he said, I didn't want to do it anymore. So I dug him about six more times in the arm and he asked us to stop.

And the next day he pulled up his sleeve and his fucking arm was purple. Am I meant to be turned on by this? Listen, I've got a full erection under this table. Because I'm not. It was one of the best, it was, I can't, I know it's not the greatest, I beat me bully story. Boys are so weird.

We are weird. You're dreading parenting boys. Yeah. Like you're, can it? But then you're gonna say something ridiculous. What do you mean? You're dreading parenting boys. Yeah. Like, you're...ah, can it? But then you're gonna say something ridiculous. What do you mean? You're gonna...I dunno. Because I'm just a bit like, deal with it in a different way. You're just gonna be like, what the bark? Hit them bark!

Dominyom! Oh yeah, it's toxic male dad stuff. My dad...I remember I'd gone to a fight at school. I'd gone to a fight at school and my mom said to my dad, he's in trouble. He's had a fight at school. And my dad went, did you win? I went, yes. He went, good lad. That was it. Wow. End of discipline. Ridiculous. Oh God, I'm dreading this. Yeah.

Dreading it, dreading it. Dreading it. Anyway, Robin's a lot better than me and I genuinely think he's a bit more equipped to the world because on the night that we got in after everyone was calling Picklehead, I said, Are you all right with everyone calling you Picklehead or is it upsetting you? And he went, Why would it upset us? It's like I'm famous. He literally loved it.

I've had my full pickles on you. Did you watch him in Iraq with everyone? He was trying to make everyone laugh. Oh, he was amazing. Yeah. But then the next day, can you remember the next day you handed him a different bucket hat that had bananas on and I thought he was gonna slap you. Yeah. He went, what are you doing? Where's my pickle hat?

I'm pickle head. I am pickle head. Oh, good for him. I think he's gonna do better in the world than me. Yeah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for Watcha Beef. Watcha Beef, Watcha Beef, Watcha Beef, Beef, Beef. How about then Ramajama, you first. Oh, you're gonna cry, are you?

Gonna cry. Honestly, every time I hear the name Maya Jama, I get a little bit triggered. Oh. I don't know which one to go with. What was it, you just knocked me through an absolute cacophony of things. I haven't really got a holiday beef because I feel like we're just surviving.

So we actually had a lot of forgiveness going on. There's a lot of secret hugs going on. It's okay. Just ignore them. A lot of secret hugs. It's us against them. A lot of secret hugs where Raph would catch out the corner of his eye that while hugging and start screaming. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it! Stop hugging! We have to, you little fucker. Raph just wants me to be with him all the time at the minute.

Honestly, don't say the fascination. No, me neither do I. I'm bullshit. I'm boring as fuck. I put the telly on for him so that I can do things, but he's like, What's the telly with me? I'm like, I can't, I'll what? It's such a dick. I don't, like, this is the distraction. Anyway, I do have one. Sorry, one more thing. I dropped Rafe off at my mom and dad's today.

Told him, I said, look, he's going through a stage. He's been an absolute nightmare. The minute he sees a three-nager. My mom had never heard three-nager. Oh, how'd you not? God, it was like, it was like I told her the greatest joke in the world. She was absolutely, she was like, three-nager like that?

She thought it was amazing. I was like, yeah, it's mine, I made it up. Oh, that Rama Jammer, full of it, isn't he? Stop it. I'll get you dead on. Oh, I bet you will. Come on then. I think, I mean, current beef with you

is that you are getting cauliflower ears from BJJ. And I can't deal with it. I'm not getting cauliflower ears. You are. They were bruised the other day. I think you've got to be really susceptible to them. So there's other guys who start at the same time as me who have had to have their ears drained and they've had to have the big pads on their ears, which are like, you know, like,

Trump. Like, yeah, like what we've got. You've seen all the little Trumps putting stuff on their ears. That's fucking hilarious to be fair. All these supporters are putting bandages on their ears. I'm not getting political because I'm a criticator. No no no no it was awful it was horrible. Yeah yeah it was horrible. Shouldn't happen at all but the fact that the supporters have put like Nelly like Nelly with a remember when Nelly had theapalm on his face and no one knew why. But it was like his thing.

Wasn't that because he had a tattoo underneath? Because he'd been in prison and killed someone? So, people said it was because he had a tattoo. No, someone said that was the thing. Someone said it was because his brother was in prison. He was gonna knock on it. I don't...I don't know what...I don't know why Nelly... Why did...hang on.

You ready? Shall I Google it? Jamie, can you get that up for her? Why...sorry Jamie. I'll do it. Don't you have a break? And why did N you have a break? Why did Nelly have a plaster on his face?

Everyone listening thinking we should say plaster, we don't, we say plaster, we say master, we're very strange accent going on round here. Okay, according to Entertainment Weekly, Nelly wore the bandaid to cover up a basketball injury. However, once it had heal, the source revealed that he kept wearing it in honour of City Spud who collaborated with Nelly on his hit song Ride with Me.

Okay. So, I don't know why. Weird. Why? Kept wearing it in honour. Well, everyone who's been waiting with baited breath since the noughties, there we go. He wore it. He has me thinking he'd kill Nellie, right now man, Nellie, lovely bloody lovely lad and what we're saying yeah so yeah so they're not getting

cauliflowered Rosie they're not getting cauliflowered they're just I've got I had a bruised one the other day and they get one of them is getting a bit thicker than the other one but I just think it's I think it's muscle he has been doing weights haven't he? I was joking, one's getting a bit thicker than the other one, but I just think it's, I think it's muscle. He has been doing weights, haven't he? I was joking. It's just, one's getting a bit thick. They'll be fine. If they got, I'll get them drained

and I'd take a couple of weeks off. Cause I've got to, yeah. It's all right, man. It's all good. You're doing the telly thing tomorrow. I'm doing a telly thing tonight. Today? Today.

And what's really horrible about it is. I can't wait. I can't wait for you to go. Cause I'm going out, brilliant. I'm going to sit on that train. I've got some UFC to watch. Oh, yeah. And it's a Christmas special.

I know. I've just got back from goddamn fucking Spain and I've got to go. I literally I was looking for Christmas jumpers five minutes ago in the book five minutes before we started. I've got to do the film. Do you know?

Do you guys know this? The film or the Christmas stuff in like June, July? We've just why do they do that? Well, we've just filmed some huge stuff that we're not allowed to talk about, that doesn't come out until next year. And now it's 20 odd degrees in London.

I've been sitting in the studio with a Christmas jumper and telling everyone Merry Christmas. I hope we've got the icon on. Oh God. I told Robin this morning, he couldn't get his head around it. I went, Robin, tonight, daddy will be sitting in a studio in front of cameras,

telling everyone Merry Christmas, singing Christmas songs. Yeah, eggnog the lot. I went 100%. Horror. Christmas trees will be everything. It'll be awful. He went, dad it's the middle of July. I went, I know. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm good enough at acting. There's going to be moments where my mask slips. Well, they're gonna have to go, Chris, why have you got a tan? Where you been? Definitely somewhere in the southern hemisphere. Fucking hell. What's your beef, sorry, what's your beef for me? Oh, millions of eggs. I don't have a beef with you and I'm telling you why and I'm going to say it officially

on this podcast. You booked and organised that entire holiday. You packed all of the kids' stuff. You were amazing. If it wasn't for you, that holiday wouldn't have happened. Me especially appreciate it. I know the kids appreciate it. I know the kids appreciate it. I know they're repeating ours. You are phenomenal. Thank you.

You're a brilliant mom. No beef with you this week. You got a pass. Thank you. I really appreciate that. You're a pig dog. Great. Sorry I couldn't stop that. It's true. Thanks babe. There you go. On August 9th, don't miss the Borderlands movie, starring this summer's biggest cast. Everybody buckle up. With Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt, and Jamie Lee Curtis. Wow, you never see that! Borderlands. Own each step with Peloton.

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Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. On August 9th, don't miss the Borderlands movie starring this summer's biggest cast. Everybody buckle up. With Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt and Jamie Lee Curtis.

Wow, you never see that. Borderlands. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for quags from the Plagues! I've been out here prospecting! Quags from the Plagues! What was the new one that we came up with on holiday? Oh fuck knows. Oh come on!

What was it? Oh I don't know. Oh god. And I'll be funny to anyone else. Come and stop talking about holidays. We're them people now who talk about holidays. No because we came up with a- We're like that twat who comes back from traveling

and tells, oh God, when I was traveling. We came up with a funny thing you kept saying all the time. I doubt it very much. It was a family little family thing. We're all fed-aged. Oh, oh my fellas. No, not that one. It's definitely all my fellas.

That was horrible. It's definitely all my fellas. It's time for questions from the public. As always, if you wanna get in touch, it's shagmarynoid at gmail.com. Rosie, take it away! A quick ick for you guys. We have a newborn and my husband now wears the baby's diapers as elbow pads to make his elbows more comfortable whilst playing computer games. That's fucking amazing! Where's his elbows?

So he straps the diapers on like elbow pads you would wear roller skating. Oh my god. Ick. What so they're on his chair what what's he playing is it a console? I've got no idea so she just said he puts them on his elbows so he might be like he's on a table with a maybe old school like on a pc. Yeah. Remember the air flying game on a pc?

Flight simulator. Was that what it was? Terrible boring as fuck. Oh god no it was good though wasn't it? Do you know what I think? They still do them now. There's a guy, a place I go for a curry in South Shields restaurant I go to. A lad who works there who went to college with me mate. He does the flight sims. He does them, he's like, he could literally do a proper, I can't get my words out. He could be a pilot. He

does full length flight sims. So I'm talking, he'll do New York to fucking Singapore. Full, and I go, what do you mean? He went, yeah, I just do things. He's got a proper kit. Like actually flies it in the air and all that. On the computer? Real time Rosie. What's the one I'm trying to get at? Real time. So it takes him eight hours or nine fucking fifteen hours or whatever. Does he leave? I don't know I was I couldn't get my head around it. I was half pissed when he set up. I'm like what do you mean? He's like yeah yeah do the whole thing.

Has he got family? Yeah but what a shit game. Hey coming soon to PlayStation 5. Paint drying. International paint drying 24. Do you want to watch some paint drying? Can I just say I still don't understand like flight paths and shit. Oh.

I'm sorry. Turn left at the next cloud. I've got no idea how they work. And I know. That's exactly it. I know that it's gonna be like programmed and it's very. It's rooted on a computer.

I don't get it. Which went down the other day and everyone and it went up and tits up, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. More drama, more drama. Just we have drama following us around. It wasn't on the day we went, but the day before and you know when you're lying and you're still not. We on the sun and I'm just going what the fuck is this?

yeah and the privilege always freaks me out of what if you know what the computer was wrong just like one of the planes just accidentally deletes one of the planes and the others just end up flying on the same path and they end up crashing what or does it does it's terrifying you know see oh on a die hard 2 hmm die hard 2 where they keep all the planes in the air, and then they let one of the planes land, and they change the ground level on the computer. So the plane thinks the ground's 100 yards lower

than it actually is, or 100 meters lower than it is, so it just fucking plows into the floor. Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Oh my God. Yeah, oh. So can they not maneuver them manually, like? Yes, but I think there's a lot.

I mean, it's a film, isn't it? But there's a lot of cloud and stuff and the reader come through the cloud, they're like, oh my God, they're going, brrrr, but. Do you remember in the pilot, when the man took his funny turn behind us, remember the pilot came out and I was like,

oh God, hello. He walked out, I was like, oh my God. Who's riding the plane? He's like a celebrity. Got a semi, I was like, here he is. They're all quite fit, honestly. Yeah, I think you've gotta be svelte. You gotta be svelte, you gotta be tall.

Yeah, quite a good looking to be a pilot. They're all pretty fit like. Maybe the uniform might be doing a lot of the work. Do you think? Yeah, right. You know that your life's in their hands. A quick shout out, by the way, to that one twat on every plane who lets out a little shriek just as the plane lands.

Stop it. Yeah, we know, yeah, we landed, yeah. Oh, dick. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Me and my fiance are both in our late twenties and have been together for six years, living together for 18 months and engaged for six months. Right, stop, I hate it when people do this.

Why? Because I don't know. You just threw so many numbers at me. Right. I don't know what's going on. Oh, okay, sorry, they're in the late twenties. Right, stop. Yeah. Okay, late're in the late twenties. Right, stop. Okay, late twenties, so 26-ish onwards. Yeah.

Late, I would say 28, 29. That's late. 26 is mid twenties. Okay, right. Let's say they're 28. Go back and fundamentally unlearn some stuff I've been thinking for years, but okay. Yeah.

They've been together for six years. Right, since the early twenties, yeah. Yeah, living together for 18 months. Oh, Jesus. Just to say you're like, gee, why is it like- Should we live together? It's like, oh, I asked somebody on holiday- Should we live together for four and a half years

then to start living together? By the way, I asked someone on holiday, I was like, how old, how old's your little one? He went, in this man, 22 months. I went, oh, ick. Oh god, the two, fuck me. How's your little one, 640 weeks? It's just, I don't know why it's worse from a bloke.

I was like, you're just saying that because your partner says that. I'm sorry. Oh, what? Look at you. Look at you copying off your wife. Do I mean though? 22 months. In years, mate. What is 20? That's nearly two, isn't it then?

It's practically two. I'll just say one. I'll just say nearly two. Yeah, nearly two. 22 months. It's horrible. How many hours, how many hours specifically just for me graph that I'm doing of children's ages around the pool.

Even when someone go, how old are they? 14 months. So they've won, they've won, they're one years old. Nearly one and a quarter, how about that? I only wanna know months when they're before one. How old are they? 11 months. OK, that's fine. That's allowed. After one, it goes one, one and a half, two, two and a half,

three, three and a half, four, four and a half. And then when they're in the eight, nine, tens, just fucking just the round number. Thank you very much. Yeah. All right. I didn't mean to get so aggressive about that, but it's just. Did I? Have I not told you that the other day in the gym, someone asked how old I was and I said 37 and three quarters. Why did you do that?

God, that's... No, you didn't. Did you actually? Well, cause I said, oh, I said, oh, I'm 37. I was nearly 38. There was a moment of silence and I went 37 and three quarters. Awful. We are nearly 38.

I shouldn't be loud out of my own, my own. I always forget how old we are. Yeah. All the time. I do. I have to be like how old's Kate and then I forget how old she is. I forget how old I am because you are always rounding my age up. Because I've said this before come January in January you'll be telling me I'm 40 next year. Yeah God we are. In January? Yeah. But I'll still be 38. Yeah. But because my birthday is August 39th, you'll be going, you're 40 next year.

From midnight on January the 1st, you'll be going. Are you still terrified about that party? Still losing some sleep over that birthday party? You fucking prick. Right, listen, so this is all, we've got their background. So much swearing on this podcast. I know, I'm so sorry.

There's so much anger. I'm so sorry. I'm due on and just- It's the podcast. I know, I'm so sorry. There's so much anger. I'm so sorry. Do you want and just... It's the holiday. So right, these people are... The holiday which I didn't even tan by the way. Yeah, you didn't tan at all. My skin does not change colour.

I swear to God. In fact, no, it does. It does. You put your fake tan on before you went away. And then it comes off. You go whiter. You get there, brown, you go whiter the next three days and then you go a little bit red on your chest. And that's it? That's it? I'm such an ick on holiday.

Sweet god. Okay, are you ready? Yeah, two seconds. What are you typing? So this couple, sorry, so they're 28, so they're 336 months. Right, so this couple, they're 336 months. Yep. And they've been... Living together for 18 months. And engaged...

How long have they been together for? Sorry? How long did you say they've been together? Six years. Oh, 72 months. Great. Yeah. I've got to think on the computer now.

Six years is 72 months? Apparently so. No. Yeah. How many months is it? Oh, 12. Six times 12. Oh yeah, you're right.

So I've got it mixed up with weeks. Google's right, not me. Do you remember when you finally learned how many days there are in a year, how many weeks there are in a year, and how many months there are in a year? Wasn't that quite are in a year and how many months there are in a year. Wasn't that quite a big day? It's a fucking mess though, isn't it? Like it's a mess.

What do you mean? Some of them have got 31, some of them have got, one of them changes every four years. But I know Robin doesn't know that yet. The day that he learns that, I think he'll be pretty chuffed. I'm pretty chuffed that I can remember all them things. Do you not think it should all be tens? Why is this, why is this, why is the 60 seconds in a, so this goes 60, 60 seconds in a minute? 60 minutes in an hour? Great. Oh, so 60 hours in a day? Oh no, 24. Alright, okay. So there's 24 days in a week. Oh no, no, no, 7 of them. Right?

So there's 7 weeks in a month? No, 4. Right? So there's 4 months in a year? No, twelve. Right. And do you know who I blame? Who? The moon. This all goes back to that bastard in the sky. That moon causing bother. Oh God. The moon. Who? No, who I blame? Who? The moon? Right to this couple. Right, well we're gonna find out. I can't give a fuck. I can't give a fuck about these people. Honestly, the minute they started their email with this fucking GCSE maths problem, they're both dead to me. I couldn't give two fucking shits about anything they say. I could rot in hell. Can you believe we've had a week off? Like, what the fuck? I feel...

Get me back to work. Oh, God. Right. I'm not going on another holiday. Right, ready? OK. Oh, God. So all of them things. All of them things that I forgot that I can't pay it over again. And are, ready? Okay. Oh, God. So, all of them things. All of them things that I forgot that I can't pay it over again. And are you ready? And all through this, I have been keeping my guilty pleasure

a secret. Okay. In brackets, not sexual. Okay. Don't get too excited. Okay. That's okay. It does not have to be filth, lads. Lads and lasses. Doesn't have to be filth. Keeping this secret has become much more difficult since we moved in together, but last week she caught me in the act All right, this is the fellow. Okay. Yeah on my fellas all my fellas. What do you think it is? Could have been another lady. No, no, it's not it. So caught caught him in the act Mmm, I don't know. It's something is it's something to do with It's either something to do with food. Mm-hmm, or it's something to do with, it's either something to do with food, or it's something to do with like a daft ritual,

like somebody with toenails or feet or walking around, come on. Okay. We were both working from home. She made lunch and I was doing the dishes after with my marigold gloves and very noise canceling headphones on. Right.

I thought she'd gone back to work. She hadn't. I couldn't hear her coming through and all of a sudden she's at my shoulder. I rushed to lock the phone to hide my shame but it was too late. She grabs my phone and unlocks it. What's on the screen? But it actually just says on the screen? Question mark, question mark, question mark. So it's either something he listens to that is weird. Or watches. Or watches. I don't know. Is it like a weird ASMR thing or? No.

Come on then. She grabs my phone and locks it. On the screen, a Minecraft YouTube video. He hadn't told her. He hadn't told her! As I mentioned, I'm in my late 20s and I grew up in the YouTube era watching KSI and the sort and have kept it up since then, but have successfully managed to hide it for six years. Oh, you didn't have to hide it, dude! She says it's not an ick, but we haven't had sex since.

Okay, good. Very good. Too busy mining, those are the diamonds. Mining for So, too busy mining those other diamonds. Mining for diamonds, eh? Who taught you about Minecraft? Who's taught you? Are you fucking kidding me? You think I don't know about Minecraft? After all of the shitty, shitty,

grey and brown apartments that Robin's made that I'm meant to be impressed by. Mom, look at my house! It looks like shit, Robin, but well done. Two single beds, who's joining you like? Awful. Remember when you put that fish tank in the middle of the bed, so I was like, that's vile.

Yeah, I thought it was very creative, Robin, well done. I hate Minecraft. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. Okay, there's an ick here, which actually goes towards the thing that I saw. I told you all that I watched a video recently where it said it's really hard to like have sex with your partner who you have children with and who you live with

because it's really hard to have sex with someone who you're just constantly like angry with. Yeah. And I get it. Yeah. I totally get it, right? Yeah. Or just frustrated with like how,

like it's really hard to go from that to, I love you and all the passion and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, it's difficult. So this- The gear shift is tricky. This, I read this and I was like, that is just, that's, yeah. So hi Chris and Rosie, a new ick for you. When you are waiting in a dark room with the baby for your partner to bring the milk up,

but he can't see because his eyes haven't adjusted, so he's just moving the milk up and down trying to find your hand. I resonate with that so much. Isn't it? It's like this, watch, I'm you, right? Ready? I've got my hand out, go on. And I'm trying to keep the baby quiet.

It was probably screaming. Is that, have you got it? Is that, have you, can you feel, have you got it? I'm fucking going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it.

I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm going to go and get it. I'm trying to keep the baby quiet it was probably screaming yeah have you got it is that can you feel have you got it I'm fucking got it yes but that's the thing she isn't giving him time for his eyes to adjust because she's so desperate to get that milk so if he

left the door been Kevin away the baby if he makes too much noise Kevin gonna wait a baby if he turns the light on you're gonna wait the baby if he gets his torch on his phone you're gonna wait the baby. If he gets his torch on his phone, you're gonna wake the baby. So what's he supposed to do? So he's in silence looking for it, but oh, ick, ick. We can't win, man. How about you just don't properly fall asleep? Eh?

How about you don't properly fall asleep? He wasn't asleep? You had some of the- Was he asleep? The deepest sleeps I've ever witnessed when we had newborn babies. Was he asleep, man? Why's this jump to sleep and what you talking about? Just because his eyes haven't adjusted,

just because he's clearly been in the deepest sleep ever. No, because he's walked into the room. Anyway, I hate him. Brilliant. You had a massive gout me in the airport as well for being too slow with stuff. Oh, you're really slow.

I'm not slow. I was only slow because you'd better drop these fucking Spider-Man and I went to pick it up and you were like, you're just messing on. I was like, I'm picking up the Spider-Man. I went to pick it up and you were like, you're just messing on. I was like, pick up the Spider-Man. Oh, by the way, guys, Rafe doesn't like anything. He doesn't like the suitcases taken. He wants to keep the suitcase.

So that's that's a meltdown when they get taken on the what's it called? The check in. Yeah. No. So that's a meltdown. And then he doesn't like anything going through the security. Yeah. At the security. So that's a meltdown and then he doesn't like anything going through the security Yeah, there's cutie. So that's a meltdown. You know, you're just like are you fucking getting me? I was gonna get it back in 30 seconds I wanted to go he would use his little spider-man toy and he wouldn't have it on the conveyor belt He was screaming it was going to the thing. I considered going there's drugs in that take them away Honestly, there's cocaine in that take them away now all his there could be drugs in that, take them away. Honestly, there's cocaine in that, take them away now. All his. There could be drugs in there.

See you later. Honestly. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hello, I'm just on episode 134. Oh. Love the podcast and especially love the medical stories. Yeah. I've been in medicine for 17 years and spent it all in the emergency department in America.

Oh. In America. Wow. The stories that have previously been shared are spot on. Oh, department in America. Ooh. In America. Wow. The stories that have previously been shared are spot on. Ooh, that's good. Nice. And got me thinking about my past 17 years and countless hours in patient care.

Gosh, bless you. There are definitely worse stories in the memory bank, but this one is always told to new nurses and Christopher will gross out beyond words. Fuck, now I got full name, no case dropping. I swear on my life and all that holy, the following events are true. Okay.

And all that is holy, I'm blessing. Back in the early days of my career, I was training a new girl in the sterile insertion of urinary catheters. Down the end of the tiddler, up the little bit of the fanny. Urethra. There it is.

I can do that lesson. Everyone gather in, sit down. Right, just gonna keep this brief because it's lunchtime. This bit down the end of the tiddler or top bit thin little hole in fanny. Okay, so there's vouchers for the canteen over there and may I remember to wash your hands?

Thank you for coming. Good luck out there. I've totally made him know. Anyway, this is just saying. I was standing with my back towards the patient's head, looking at my young trainee in bracket she was 18. Back towards the patient's head. So facing

business. Facing the business. Back to the patient's head, facing the business. Yeah. Yeah. Looking at that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. The trainee was facing me at the woman's groin preparing the sterile field. Okay. After she was gloved up and equipment prepared the patient was instructed to frog out her legs and told she would feel us touching her labia. I've got to frog out her legs. I'm really upset. I don't know why. Why?

Do you know what it looks like? So you've got to put, hang on everyone, I'm going to show them. You've got to put your feet together. Stirrups, yeah, yeah, like stirrups. No, no, not stirrups. You've got to put your feet together like that. Uh-huh. And frog them out like that. Oh, right, okay.

No stirrups involved. Okay, frog out. So put your palms of your feet together and like your legs. Palms? Soles. Soles. Fucking hell. Why are they called different things?

We are, good point, good point. Palms together, feet, palms. Has that got anything to do with Jesus? Sorry? Is it Psalms? Sorry? I don't know. Sometimes some things go back to the Bible don't they?

Palms, Psalms, soul, souls. I've got to get down to London to do a TV show so I don't think I can get anything. Okay, alright alright, Merry Christmas. Listen, they've frogged out, they've told them they're going to be touching a labia. The trainee got her Betadine wipes, is it Betadine? I don't know, stepped towards the patient, began to open the labia to cleanse with the Betadine and what do you think happened next? What do you think? What do you think? What happened next? Um... funny thought? Oh a queef. Queef? Or did something fall out of the vagina? Did someone climb out? Oh a little person? No like was there something in there? I don't know. I always feel like I'm like a pervert

talking about stuff like this. It makes us feel a bit weird. Why? I don't know, what would he, welcome you. All right, boys, welcome to what was in the fanny. Na na, na na, what was in the fanny. Blind date theme again. Always a blind date theme.

Come on then. Right, okay, I'll tell you. Began to open the label, he had to cleanse with the beta dine. What? I don't know what beta dine is. I'm guessing it's that brown stuff. One of the worst stories.

What do you think happened next? Okay, ready? One of the worst stories I've ever heard. You would never have got it. Right. What happened next? A big fat fly flew out between the folds of the labia and right at my trainee's head. No!

No! Ben! BANAL JUICE! I like when someone opens a fucking purse in a cartoon and there's no money in it and a moth comes out. Yeah. Fly. God. We stared at each other dead in the eyes with terrified expressions. What happened next was in slow motion.

That big fat fly did these slow motion loops and aimed right between her eyes. She started to panic and I gave her my most stern look since we always must maintain our composure and our patience dignitly." Nah, you've got flies in your fanny, you've got knee dignity. I'm not having that like. Do you know what it is though, right? It's a person who's got a fanny. I'm like, could it have been, could it have been while she was in her defence, right? This might not be like a manly thing. It might have been on the table.

Could it have just got in there whilst she was, like, do you know what I mean? Just really, sometimes you don't see flies. You've just said it's America, right? It could have been a hot pot. America's fucking massive. It could have been a hot pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could have been in her trousers on the floor. Yeah, and it's climbed in. And she doesn't know what's going on. Oh my God. And then it's come to, because it's clearly still alive. It could have been on the bed. It could have been in the hospital on the floor. Yeah, and it's climbed in. And she doesn't know what's going on.

Oh my God. And then it's come to, because it's clearly still alive. It could have been in the hospital. It might not have been hers. Excuse me, is this your fly from home or is this a hospital fly? Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like there's a claim there. Might be. Yeah. So she's give her a stern look because she's got a, you know, save fly ladies. Yeah. Dignity. We both began slow motion matrix moves to dodge that fat fucking fly and after many

tense moments it flew over her shoulder and landed on the wall. Oh my god, what if it's a dead relative? I knew, I wish I'd said this. I knew you were going to say that. Dead fucking pervert relative. Yeah. What's it doing in that fanny? Oh my god, what if it's like-

Oh dirty young old- Oh god. funny. Oh my god what is that? Dirty Uncle Jeff. Jeff Goldblum from the fly. Yeah. One of the worst things you've said. That's the stone. The world was horrible. The wall and probably thought fuck me that was hot. Yeah. I often do think if I'm shooting a fly out the house and it won't go out the house and it's keep coming towards as I am often like, is it someone I know who's been turning it will fly and they're trying to get me attention? Maybe.

Because in the films when you turn it will fly an insect and you're trying to get people's attention, they just swat you away. They just swat you away. Yeah. Honey, I Shrunk The Kid will never. Am I watch that again? Yeah. Oh my God, it's so good.

Oh, Robin will love that. Willie, Willie, you've said this before, Never Ending Story, I love this. No, never end, no. Starts with a seven and a half minute conversation about the dead mom while the dad drinks raw eggs in the kitchen on a one shot. Get it off.

Even I was bored. Get it off the telly. Unbelievable. No, I think you would like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It's a bit more 90s, Never Ending Stories 80s. Never Ending Stories. I'm gonna put it out there. I never liked Never Ending Stories.

Did you not? I did. I found it quite depressing. I found it depressing and weird and I didn't like it. Did you like the labyrinth? Nah, same. Put it in the same box. Did you like dark crystals?

Depressing and weird. Put it in the same box. Good though. I think they were all filmed by the same weird, depressing fella. Get him out my face. Get him out my face. I'm trying to think of any of those.

Do you know what I loved when I was a kid? What? The witches. Yeah, the witches was all right. The witches was all right. So good. The first part of witches is the most terrifying bit where the little girl gets trapped in the painting.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking terrifying. Why do you think I'm fucked? You're fucked because you've seen loads of fucking true crime podcasts. But still, I watch animation. most terrifying bit where the little girl gets trapped in the painting. Yeah. Fucking terrifying. Why do you think I'm fucked? You're fucked because you've seen loads of fucking true crime podcasts. Yeah, but still, I watch animation. If you put that on nowadays for Robin, you'd be like, that's too young for you. It's a bit scary.

But I was watching that when I was like six. Oh, again, the famous one, my mum and dad let us watch Terminator 1 when I was six. One in the kitchen. Mum, what's a motherfucker? Bad word, don't say it again. Go on now, go and watch the end of the film that just said motherfucker and leave me alone. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Do do do do do do do!

Thank you for listening to us two privileged fuckers. Wange about, have a holiday and we're very lucky to go on. Very very sorry. We get it, we get it, we get it. But, you know, if it makes you feel better, we didn't enjoy it. Yeah, there you go. Fuck us. This has been Chagamardinoid, which is part of the Acast Creator it. Yeah, there you go. Fuck us.

This has been Shag Married and Oied, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, thank you so much for listening. If you ever want to again touch, obviously at shagmarriedandoied.gmail.com, send us whatever you like. We can't thank you enough for the people you keep sending. And yeah, we'll be back in your ears next week. See you later. Bye! Merry Christmas!

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