Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 287. Takeaway Tally

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

On this week's podcast Rosie reveals a new alarm system she has put in to place. She also shares a new shower habit. Chris is still in the thick of Christember and the pair discuss their appearance on The One Show. All of this plus some Would Rosie Eat, a sleepy beef and some brilliant QFTP's. Email the podcast [e-mail] Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is an ad from BetterHelp. As kids, we were always learning and growing. But at some point as adults, we tend to lose that sense of curiosity and excitement. Therapy can help you continue that journey because your back-to-school era can come at any age. And BetterHelp makes it easy to get started with affordable online therapy you can do from anywhere. Rediscover possibility with Mayra. Where the world now? Never. In theatre September 20th. Hello, y'all listening to Shag Mardinoid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. That's me, I'm a husband. I'm fully in.

Well done. Didn't I do well being a husband? Didn't I manage it? Didn't I come out the other end alright? Hello, hello, How are you? I'm all right, even though you keep telling us off because I'm just a bit tired, Chris. You're just fucking knocking out the negative stuff

before we start. Oh, because you never do. Can I be on? Because you never fucking do. Oh, let's do it. Can you be honest? Oh, I'm tired. When are you ready? When I'm tired. Oh, fucking everyone's tired all the time.

Just because I like, honestly, Rafe just wakes, it's just casual, just quarter to six, just every day. Just every fucking day and you sleep in every single day. I came into my room, our room, mine and Robin's room at like 25 to seven. It was 20 to seven, stop adding the five minutes, it was 20 to seven. Oh sorry.

I waited until 20 to seven for him to come and get you. It's just a full hour's kip more than me and I just don't think it's fair. But I didn't come on here to moan to stop it. I fell asleep on the sofa at nine o'clock last night, which was lovely. Which brings us to the What's Your Beef section. Really?

I'll talk about that later. Oh God, yeah, you hate me falling asleep. Right. I hate anybody who just, I just think you are so irresponsible. How can you just fall asleep? I just think you are so irresponsible. How can you just fall asleep? I just don't get it.

If I'm tired and it's like evening, right? Don't get me wrong, if it's like six o'clock, you might be like, oh, come on. But if it's after nine o'clock and I'm feeling tired, do you know what I'll do? Just go to bed. Just go to bed. But no, people like yourself, just not a care in the fucking world, tired, do you know what I'll do? What? Just go to bed. Weird. Just go to bed. Weird.

But no, people like yourself, just not a care in the fucking world, will just fall asleep on the sofa at bedtime. I find it maniac sort of like, I just think you've got something wrong with you. I guess it was like your beef this week, I didn't realise you felt so strongly about it. Massively, I hate it, I can't bear people who can just-

Oh God, I was gonna say let's leave it, but you won't stop no people who fall asleep at bedtime downstairs go to bed go understand your body you're tired get your arse upstairs wash your face brush your teeth and go to sleep and you'll need lovely whatever and people who sleep through alarms get in the bin so irresponsible don't want to be your friend okay all right okay good how, just sleep through an alarm. Just how do you sleep through alarms? I hate people who sleep through an alarm.

I never sleep through an alarm. I hate people who sleep through an alarm. I used to work with a girl and she actually, you know, I haven't seen her for a long, long time, but I loved that bit. And she was a mint girl. But she would be in the car. I love that. Love that bit. Mint girl. But I'm about a fucking lasso.

We would be in a caravan, I'd be asleep in one of the bedrooms, she would be sleeping in the sitting room and I would have to get up and go and turn her alarm off because she was just fast asleep while it's blaring through the caravan and I just wanted to... Carl Hutchinson was the same, when I lived with Carl Hutchinson, when I lived with Carl Hutchinson he used to fall asleep pissed with his Blackberry of all things. Well pissed is fair enough if you're pissed. No, no, there's more. Blackberry blaring the Ricky Gervais show, the podcast, and I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I could hear Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant and

Carl Pilton and fucking pissing themselves laughing. And I would bray on the wall and I would literally, numerous times I went in and I fucking crawled over his sleeping body because he was just like, hushed out and I turned his phone off. And then the next morning, and he'd have work the next day because he was a teacher and he'd miss his, he'd be late. He'd be like an hour and a half late for school the next day. Cause I would turn his phone off

cause he just, I'll be like, fuck you. So I'll just turn it off. And then I wouldn't go off. You are so rogue when you were younger. You did not give a shit. Like actually, I think I've turned you into a nicer person. Do you know you might listen to this and you think Chris is lovely. No one thinks that. No, no, I think people do turned you into a nicer person. Do you know you might listen to this and you think Chris is lovely?

No one thinks that. No, no, I think people do. I think you're nicer now. But back in the day, you were a complete dick. Well, it was big, well, in my defence, the first time I turned his phone off, Blackberry, I don't know how fucking, everyone, by the way, when the option was iPhone or smartphone,

a big, huge screen that you could touch and watch other things on, or Blackberry with fucking keyboard that you need to press with a chopstick, with a toothpick. Who the fuck was picking that? I never had a Blackberry. I'm surprised I played podcast. So bizarre. A really tinny, really horrible speaker. Anyway, the first time I crawled over him and turned it off, it was the next day. He was like, oh, I saw him on the night and he was like, me alarm didn't go off. And I went, oh, that might've been me. But then the second time

I was like, well, fool me twice. So I just turned it off again. But what he used to do, he used to press snooze on his a lot on the mornings. He did wake up. He wouldn't wake up. I was shaking him. Everything was slapping him. He wouldn't wake up. Um, when, uh, I thought, so I thought that was given. I thought that was taken as red. I didn't sneak in. And you crawled over. I said I would have as read. I didn't sneak in. No, you said you snuck in and you crawled over him. No, I said I would have to climb over his fucking coma to his body to turn it off. What he used to do is sometimes if he woke up, he was fine. He would press, instead of pressing stop on his alarm, he would press snooze and then he would jump in the shower and he'd just be in

the shower having a lovely time. And then his alarm would be going off. Uncle Frank from the beginning of Home Alone 2. You're cooking, Frankie. And I'd have to get up and go to his bedroom and turn his phone off again. Awful, awful. And he also, side note, he did never, ever work out how to use the alarm, the house alarm. So he would go up to bed.

He didn't have an en suite. His bathroom, you had to walk across the land and go to his bathroom. So you turn the alarm on, he would go upstairs, he would go in his room. Two minutes later, he'd walk to the bathroom, you'd set the whole house alarm off. It was unbelievable.

I used to have a bit of paper, a bit of paper, and no word of a lie, I had a bit of paper on the wall and it said, Carl, and it told him what to do. It said, if you're going to bed, press, and it just said, obviously, our code, and then press this button. If you're going out, press this button. And he always got it wrong.

It was unbelievable. I told him before his entire life was I used to say to him your entire life is gleamed as you run upstairs with a plate of spaghetti ready to watch wrestling. Like everything was... He just knows what he wants. He was just literally running around he was always running around with a plate of spaghetti. Just one more thing sorry did I ever tell you that me girlfriend I lived with at the time, she brought a dog once. Why bring that up? I just miss that so much. She brought a dog once. It's a tape.

I don't know. I don't know. You've all stepped into a private joke because whenever Chris and I aren't on the podcast and we're mentioning an ex, we always say, I miss him so much. Yeah, the joke is, whoever the ex is, no one's specific, but if we mention an ex, we always just say it.

Why in the other person's note, we say we miss them so much. We say it in front of friends and family, and the first time friends and family hear that, they really get uncomfortable, don't they? Oh, sorry guys. So, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, I just brought the dog around,

and the dog, he just, he couldn't wait to get into Carl's room. Why? Because of the smell. It just smelled of like food, just like mangy stuff that dogs love. And he was just like, he was like, he just, he wanted to be in Carl's room all the time. He just couldn't, he wouldn't do anything else. Whenever he was in there, he just wanted, he stayed with her for a weekend, wanted to

be in Carl's room constantly, just all the time, scratching the door all the time. You let him in and you just, just walking around, just sniffing, going, oh, fucking lush in here, like smells like arse.se loved it. Stop it, plug call. Not plug call lives like an animal. Listen thank you so much for being here thank you so much for being part of this wonderful wacky wacky little world it's episode 287 please continue to like and rate and subscribe and all that stuff on your podcast shops and without further ado it's time for this week's leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lucrative sponsor this week sponsor is cyclists with builders bombs oh stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it are you joking the amount of time not joking half the amount of people not if they're like in their proper cycling gear. Most cyclists I say are pretty shnaz.

Not if they're in their proper cycling gear, like the stuff I used to wear where it was basically like a little onesie that you could wear. Or from? Yeah, but it stops the build as well. Most cyclists who are just commuting, right, I saw someone the other day, we went past them in the car.

Do you remember when you just went mad for cycling and now you literally haven't done it at all, only to take the kids out on the bike? Yeah. Do you remember when you went a bit mad? What's wrong with you? I get really obsessed with stuff. You've absolutely got ADHD.

I'm still a bike guy, 100%. You're not a bike guy, you went crazy. I have two bikes! Clippings in the lot, like all of the gear. They're in the shed. Yeah, but you went through a phase of doing miles, and now, just nothing. I mean, it coincided perfectly with the lockdown, I think.

Okay. Yeah, I used to love it, I did. Just aided perfectly with the lockdown, I think. OK. Yeah. And yeah, I used to love it. I did. On a hobby. Well, I found a better one now. I got BGG now. So I'm just wondering how long golf's going to last. Golf will last until I'm really. Will it? Will it though? Golf's going to last a long time. I've got a lot of friends who do golf.

Yeah, I'm at the age now for golf. Golf's lasting. But we were in Newcastle the other day and were going along on the way. Oh, by the way, just in case, Raph's school's listening, there was a pirate's day in play on Friday for parents to go. Chris can't go because he's at golf, so just letting you know. Slander, I'm at BJJ. Oh you can't go because you're at BJJ, parent of the year. Why am I, sorry. I'm at work, sorry.

Yeah, why am I sending my kid to nursery and I'm getting invited in? What the fuck, I'm supposed to stay at home with them. What are you doing? Are your kids at nursery for the day? Are you you come in as well? No. Can I have them? Can I have them two hours back then? Listen, Bill, we were going to Newcastle on a car and I'm telling you, it's people cycling, right?

Make sure your pants are pulled up or your tops pulled down or tuck your fucking T-shirt in, whatever it takes to stop me having to be at eye level with your floating ass crack. I'm sick of it. Ass cracks are the worst. There was a guy cycling along the day, I thought, how does he not know? How does he not know his entire lower back

and ass crack are out? God, it was awful. I wanted to wind the car window down and just fucking slap him across the arse. You shut up. I didn't have any samisai. Maybe he's a philanthropist. Is that the right word?

Or an exhibitionist? Or a philanthropist? Is that them who like money? What's a philanthropist? I'm sure a philanthropist is like a charitable, wealthy person who puts a load of money into different things. Like if you're a philanthropist,

you're like always doing new stuff. Alright, okay. I only know the word from Wicked. Maybe- Oh Christ on a bike. Maybe he's an exhibitionist. Do you know what I mean? I'll just google it, philanthropist. Want to see if I can- yeah, a person who seeks to promote the welfare of others, especially by the generous donation of money to good causes. Yeah, like a charitable rich person. Maybe he's a philanthropist and he's so busy giving money away he can't, doesn't have time to talk to his fucking child.

No, Mary likes getting his arse crack out just to see what people do. An exhibitionist. It was awful. It was awful. Just an arse crack. Eye level arse crack going along the street. I would know if my arse crack was out. Ah, that's the thing. I would fully know. We've talked about this before. How do you, have you got no nerves? Have you got no nerves in that part of

your body they're frozen off how do you not know there's a temperature change like ah sick of it honestly so I long our jacket long I caught just anything just Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle of Shagged Married and Annoyed. Just want to quickly say a massive thank you to everybody who has bought our kids book so far. Yes. There's Poonie Me and Pooniomy in my house. And apologies we were like quite apparent on social media last week. We had a lot of stuff going on.

We were on the radio, we were on The One Show. It's just a lot going on. We went around in a taxi that had bloody the book on. Hey Ward, number one on Amazon. Yeah, Boston. Really, really good. Boston, thanks everybody. Thank, really good. Thanks everybody. Thank you so much.

Hope you all enjoyed it. Speaking of the Wandshow, we were on the Wandshow with Ollie Murs, lovely fella. Oh, wasn't he really nice? What a nice lad. What a nice guy. Didn't know what to expect actually.

You know when you're just like, don't know what he'll be like. But he was really nice. I met him very briefly at the Brit Awards years ago, very, very briefly and nothing to write home about. We literally didn't even speak to each other. It was just like, all right, and he just walked past. But yeah, what a nice guy. But what's amazing. So this has happened to me a couple of times on The

One Show and I'm glad you spotted it as well. So me and you were sitting there next to Ollie Mirz and Roman Kemp and Alex Jones were hosting. And at the end of the episode, they always tell you who's either on tomorrow or on a Friday, they'll tell you who's on on Monday. And this has happened to me a few times and I thought it was just me but I felt it so so like it was so palpable we were sitting there and Ollie was sitting there and Alex Jones went oh and then Monday we've got we've got Will Ferrell on and Ollie Murs looked at us and we looked at him and there was a genuine mutual fuck sake. Why'd I get you? I've felt it before but I've never said anything but he said it and we were like oh for fuck fucking where are you sitting here with you? And he's like oh I'm sitting here with you

two mugs and I could have been on Will Ferrell comedy legend. It happened the last time we were on. I'm sure the next day it was Jennifer Saunders and I was like are you are you shitting me? Like what the hell? Although we did quite well last time we were on one with Miles Teller, that was quite cool. And Jennifer Connelly, that was really cool. It's like at the end of the One Show they always do a quick celebrity, here's what you could have won. Yeah. Will Ferrell man, imagine. Imagine. I am still fuming about the fact that when I was a regular host of The One Show, it was during

the bloody lockdown. No one could come in, so all we did was Zoom and Sky. I never met anyone. And now, every time I turn it on, Roman Kemp sitting there, blimmin', rubbing shoulders with comedy heroes of mine. I'm fucking sick of it. You are airless, isn't that? Sick of it, honestly. Who did we go on with the last time? So we went on with Miles Teller and Jennifer Connelly. What about before that? Ah, I can't remember. There was some, someone British and rubbish. Who do we go on with the last time? So we're on with Miles Teller and Jennifer, what about before that?

Oh, I can't remember. There's some someone British and rubbish. It was it was a I'm sure they felt exactly the same. Oh, God. Imagine me getting on with those. You'd be like, what are these? Oh, the ones sure they always get really good people. Who am I on with? Chris and Rosie. Oh, for fuck's sake. At least you get more attention. Tell them I'm ill. Tell them I'm ill.

So I'm the headliner. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Once again I hope you're all enjoying the festivities that are Chris Timber. Pointless, still on Pointless every single night. How long you're on for? I don't know for the next week. Jesus Christ. It's really good.

Do you know what? One of my best mates in the world, I saw his granddad at an engagement party that night and his granddad's been watching it every day and he was absolutely buzzing. And it's really nice when you see what level of thing has to impress different people. Oh yeah. It's really, really cool. Like me mom and dad, all the stuff we do, but when we're on the one show, me mom and dad lose their minds. Oh yeah. No, it's when we disagree in not on show, they were like, oh my god! Yeah. I was like, and we're filled with arenas.

Yeah, but even the one show, like me mom and dad are on holiday at the minute. And they said, the other day they were like, he would don't know if we'll be able to get the one show over here. I went, fuck it, who gives a shit? Are you ever gonna watch it? Yeah, but it's like, because it's, because it's that's for them. They literally didn't watch me when I was on Comic Relief. Hosting Comic Relief.

Or you, they didn't watch you hosting Children of the Apes. Yeah, no, I don't think they have, no. But they'll tune in abroad on the one show. It's whatever is in people's sort of realm. Wild. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's wild, it's absolutely wild. I totally get it. Yeah, like me mam doesn't listen to the podcast, but she read our book in a day in our garden.

Like, because it's her thing. Do you remember when she read it, she was like, eh, it's so thing. When she read it she was like, it's so funny and I was like, do you know the podcast is on just a little hour, one hour week and you might enjoy that, you never know. But as I said, Chris Timber is absolutely in full swing. On the 18th, so it's out now. Did you just look at your watch for the date? Yeah, it's got a date on it.

Yeah, wow. On the 18th, which is two days from recording, but it's already out now, so I don't know why I mean more than that. Out now, my Sky special, Chris Ramsay live from London is on Sky and now. Oh, that'd be good. Yes, very happy with that.

What do I do if I haven't got Sky? You don't fucking watch it then, you stupid prick. Sorry, that was just a bit of role play. All right, listen, torrented, I don't fucking care. Get a dodgy stick. Although, oh my god, they're really clamping down on the dodgy sticks, you know. Really clamping down on the dodgy sticks. A lot of people I know have had to get a different supplier. Oh, right. I'm not that I know anyone who's got a dodgy stick. Take a back. Right. Sorry. You know. I don't know. Come on in, get her, lads. It's been a while. Come on upstairs, get her! Lads, we've got her. We've finally got her. She admitted it.

I'm sorry. There it is. I beg for all my subscription. I'm totally joking. I'm not in any... I'll tell you what, we'll do this again professionally. Ask the question again. What did I say? How do you watch it if you don't have Sky? How do you watch it if you don't have Sky?

Sign up for Now TV or sign up for Sky, because there's incredible things to watch, not just my comedy special, all kinds of comedy specials, all kinds of box setss all kind of box sets all kind of movies stuff for kids sports sort it out fix that we've got them all I love telly I pay for all the subscriptions yeah we definitely don't have a dodgy stick do you know what I keep doing which I need to stop you know when you try to justify buying things yeah and I always go I've done it for years and I'm like well I don't smoke buying things. Yeah. And I always go, I've done it for years and I'm like, well I don't smoke and I don't drink much. You know what I mean? Like, alright, okay, but that doesn't warrant like six pound a month for something that you watch one program on. So, I signed up for Paramount TV not long ago. Oh for God's sake, we still pay twice for Hey You. You pay Hey You and I pay Hey You. Because I want it on all the tellies. Oh fuck.

But I've got Paramount and I was so, because I was watching a documentary on it. Yeah. But I actually think I will enjoy it, so I'm gonna keep it. Right. Because I've missed the cancellation of the free trial. Of course you have. Because I'm useless. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. I might have already told you this but I've started doing something really... It's a bit disgusting. It's a bit disgusting. It's just bringing us loads of pleasure, right? Not sexual pleasure or anything, just like, just a release. So I always wean in the shower. I don't think there's anything wrong with weaning in the shower. It goes down the plug hole. It's just liquid, right?

Would never poo in the shower. I think never poo in the, I think poo needs to be right. The fact that you feel like you had to justify that and say you would never poo in the shower. The fact that you think people are going, bitch, she shits in as well, that dirty cow. I do not shit. Rest assured, I don't think anyone thinks you're shitting in the shower. Okay, I was just checking, okay.

Although, although, if we did something like a straw poll and we said to the whole nation and everyone who listens would say, look, Chris or Rosie one Of the two of them have had a shit in the shower this week. Oh, who was it? You would not one person would put their money on me So when I so when I used to wait in the shower, I would just sort of be like just a little way I've started like really like forcing it out

Like it's just, it's like lush, like proper like squeezing it out and so it's dead forceful and it's like I just really enjoying it. So that's my new little routine. So I'm just dead sure like the fact that you get to do it stood up and like it's lush, it must be lovely. First of all I think I think it's disgusting because what must be lovely. First of all, I think it's disgusting because what it's doing is your wee's hitting the floor and then it's splashing all over the place. Are you cleaning that bath and shower

every time after you've finished? Properly cleaning it, giving it a domestos on that? There's like a, it's my bath, it's in my room. Children sometimes go in there. Wow. Awful. So the main reason I don't like weaning the shower is because your wee and it hits the bottom

and it splashes up on all the tiles and stuff and goes all over the place and you can't rinse it off. Until I came up with a solution. Gentlemen, every single man out there who wees in the shower, this is how to get it to not hit the bottom and then splash all over the place and up the tiles and mankiness, right? Does that happen? Yeah.

Yeah, you hit the bottom and it's sort of, you know, little bits of it will come out. I mean, some people aren't arsed, but I'm arsed because I'm a bit OCD about that kind of stuff, right? Mm-hmm. And directly contradicting the thing I've just said about that, wee onto your inner thigh. Oh, God. So just... This is the worst one I've seen.

No, no, no, no. So you just hold it, hold it, just bend it to the left or the right, whichever way you bend, up to you, fellas, right? And it just hits the thigh and it just melds in with all of the water that's already there. And it just runs down, meld. Meld is not a word. Hey Jamie, can you get this up?

It just melds in. Chris, how we, how we. Meld. Meld. Meld, definition. It's not a word. Yeah, no, it's not a word. No. Blends in. Blends.

Ha ha ha! Meld! Ha ha ha ha! Is that a word? No. Blends in. Blends. Mel- Mel- Mel- Mel- Mel- Mel- Mel-

Mel- Mel- Mel- Do you know what I hate though? I knew exactly what you meant. Of course you did, because I picked the perfect word. And I was definitely like,

oh, it just melds in. Hold on. No, it's not. It's not. Definitions from Oxford languages, meld, blend, combine. No way. Noun, a thing formed by melding a combination.

Eh? Seriously? Let me see. Don't touch the laptop! Turn around. Don't turn that around. Okay I trust you I can't. I'm telling you. Meld. Oh my gosh. Get in. Meld, blend or combine. Oh man I really thought that was a rogue little word that you'd stuck in. For example, Australia's winemakers have melded modern science with traditional art. They really have, I do love New World wine. There it is. Do you know when you were working in Australia on the Extra Celeb program?

I'm a jungle extra, get me out of here. Yeah, that one. And then me and my mom would just drink the wine there, right, obviously. And it was just Australian wine. And then we came back and we were like, yes, we love Australian wine. So then we just, whenever we went anywhere, we'd own an Australian wine thing. And that we're like, you know what I'm talking about? And then we're just like, oh, because we just liked the cheap wine that you got.

Australia's craft beer, wines and coffee. Unbelievable. Oh, actually, it's because I get a lot of sun. It's just because that's just the scene in it. But listen, we on it. All I'm just saying is we on your leg, melds in with the water, runs down, no splashes. But you're all welcome.

Thank me later. Nothing. What? I've bought a bread maker that I need to try out. Okay. Don't know. Just, I need to try it. It's on the bed.

Why did that pop in your head? Don't know. Chris, I don't know. You gonna make some bread? Yeah. You know I love bread and butter. I know. I really want to make bread.

Right. Yeah. There it is. Alright. Good chat. This is an ad from BetterHelp. As kids, we were always learning and growing, but at some point as adults, we tend to lose that sense of curiosity and excitement. Therapy can help you continue

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In theater September 20th. It's time for... Oh no! Woodroze eat. That is disgusting. That's worse than me talking about peeing in the shower. No word of a lie, I was generally nearly a bit sick there. Ladies, try it next time in the shower. Just... Yeahssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss eat you ready for this again everyone just you know I see what I what really annoys us more than anything in the world is when I see a meme where it's

like this person understood the assignment oh yeah but there is no better way to say it of everyone who emails in really understands the assignment there's only the odd one way I think you didn't get this most people absolutely get it and they're well on board okay this is this is a great one. All right. Would Rosie eat her favorite soup? We're back on soup. Oh, back on soup. What is me favorite soup?

Pean ham. Pean ham, okay. Brackets, she's poorly in this scenario. Hate the word poorly, pathetic. She's not well. With a used dog food tin that hasn't been rinsed out. Oh Jesus. So again, I think we're gonna go with the rule

of it's been wiped with a dry cloth. Not, not, not. Why am I just eating stuff out of tins? This is the crack. P.S. it's a jelly based food, not gravy. So it's not really gravy sloppy one, but it's one of the jelly ones where the dog food comes out on one big clump. But there will be some bits of the gelatin left in there.

Oh god. This is from Lee from Leicester. Dog food doesn't freak me out that much. Watching a dog eating dog food, I find vile. Cats are the worst. A lot of gristle in a cat food. A lot of gristle. You see that teeth bouncing off it. Minging. Because I always just think of whenever someone's got a dog they always feed them in that little rogue corner where there's just dog shit everywhere food not actual shit it's just like they've left it like the house is

beautiful this I'm not saying people are screwed just there's always just a rogue skirting board that's full of like slava and it's just a dog food area and I'm like oh god that makes me so sad I can't even deal with it. All right, well add on top. You've got to sit in that area and drink it. No, honestly, I might. This might be me first. No, I think you've had another issue.

Yeah, I don't think I could because that really upset us about dog food areas. Okay. Like I'm literally like your kitchen's pristine. What's happening at that skirting board? Can somebody wipe this skirting board? Because it's yellow. Yellow! Off these dogs. And they just, and the bowl goes up to the side and they're just fucking slobbering everywhere and there's normally like a little mat and it's just disgusting. No I can't, I can't. Okay, next one. Inspired by the ice cream on Chris's dick, would Rosie...

Shout out to the guy who wrote that in by the way, who came to the book signing the other day and stood in front of her and just went, oh I emailed the ice cream on Chris's dick. Would Rosie, Shout out to the guy who wrote that in by the way, who came to the book signing the other day and stood in front of me and just went, oh, I emailed the ice cream on Chris's dick thing by the way. And we were like, oh, cheers mate. Would Rosie drink a gin and tonic using Chris's stretched out ball sack as a reservoir?

Do you know what? I don't want to, but I would. Cause you are a very clean, lovely man. And I would, yeah. Same question again. They've written here, same again but it's straight after BJJ this time. No, absolutely not. I've seen you coming from BJJ. And your gym gear. For being a really lovely, nice, clean man, your gym gear is disgusting. It's because I go hard because I'm an athlete.

Okay, Spag ball with a phone from a public phone box. Oh God, no. Either end, ear end or bottom end, it's up to you. Dirty hair. No. No, I couldn't. PS no cleaning, they've written there, PS no cleaning. No cleaning.

No. No. I imagine it's mince. How hungry am I though? You're very hungry, even if you haven't eaten for ages, that's the thing, you feel ill. All of these, you feel ill, you would. So the spaghetti's been chopped into like one inch bits, like hind spaghetti, right? And the mince is all in,

so you could essentially scoop it up with the spoon, with the phone and then just pour it in your mouth. So you're gonna have to have a really, really shiny bit of people's millions of ears. Oh Jesus. Or the little crusty bit of loads of spit. No, the top bit that he has. Have to be the ears, even though dirty hair makes us wanna cry. Yeah. Do you want someone's next year and you just smell the hair? You're like, oh Jesus.

Although actually, mine's out the day because I wash my hair too much. She washes too much. Okay. I wash it too often and when you've got coloured hair, you should leave it in there. And I think it gets greasy hair because I wash it too much, so I'm trying not to. So, actually, if my hair might smell a minute. And honestly, nearly every conversation I have with you, I thank the universe that I'm not a woman. What a pain in the arse. Unbelievable.

Well, you could have long hair as a man. Alright, well, I think I haven't got... Just more than the world that you haven't got long hair. You're about to choose to not have the long hair But I could have not I could have showed ever wanted I know your head just trying to bring you back to your head. She remember when broken way dresses when I said See my getting fringe like no Right Okay, thank you, Bob. Just have a go. Right.

Would Rosie eat a chow mein? I love chow mein. Don't you know, because this is fantastic. With using the reeds from a diffuser as chopsticks. Oh, no. No. No, because smell and taste is... No, that's very good.

I couldn't. After that polo that I had from the centre, what console? Well done. I couldn't. No. No, you've lost us. Okay. Bit of a long-going here. Hi Rosie and Chris. The recent Wood Rosie Eats have brought back an icky memory from a recent supermarket trip. For context, this was in broad daylight. No one ever says it was in broad daylight and then something good follows. I know it's always a crime isn't it?

Whenever someone tells you, it was light. Yeah, it was this, this happened in broad daylight. You are, I know something's gonna be bad. Why do more bad things happen when it's dark? Isn't that strange? I don't know. I think we're just programmed like good stuff during the day.

You know when something really bad happens during the day like there's a drug heist or there's like, and you get air with broad daylight. Yeah, there wasn't, they weren't trying to hide from cover of darkness. Nothing has ever been, nothing positive has ever followed the sentence. Right, listen, it was in broad daylight. You go, right, I'm going to prepare myself for something horrible. Come on then, what's happened?

It's not as bad as you'd imagine, but it's pretty weird. I came out of Sainsbury's, minding my own business, brackets, listen, a smile on my headphones, thank you very much. When I saw a grown man stood in front of the store rapidly scooping pomegranate seeds from a 250 gram tub into his mouth with his bare hands. Oh, ew why? Don't get me wrong I love pomegranate but I can't think of any situation where you could possibly be that desperately hungry and choose pomegranate seeds. Ick. They're very good for you.

Well, which brings me to the question would Rosie eat pomegranate seeds from a random man's hands outside of Sains Face? In this you're standing there like it's all hurried, you know, I mean? In this, it's like heightened, it's hurried. You're standing there, you're like that. And he's like, all right. And he's like, get out. No, I couldn't. No. Shove them into your mouth. No. No.

No? No, honestly. His hands have been wiped clean with a dry cloth. No. No. No. No, no, that's like, that's like, no, I don't want to be too disgusting. Right, okay, why? Cause sometimes I think, you're a grown woman,

but you've got two children, let's not say what comes to your brain. No problem. Well basically I was thinking I'd rather be fingered. Wouldn't we all? Okay, this one's my favourite one, right? This one's really good. Okay.

It just starts with, imagine you open a novel, imagine you open the new Stephen King or the new Game of Thrones or whatever, George R. R. Martin or the new Richard Osmond and the first sentence, you know, you know the first sentence of Moby Dick is call me ish mail. The first sentence is call me ish mail. This is the first sentence of a new novel you've just opened. You're crying. I've made it too funny for myself, but just as the beginning of a story, I feel like this is great. She hasn't had crisps in a month. Is that not one of the iconic starts to a story from our time, from our modern times? She has, literally the beginning of the email was, she hasn't had crisps in a month.

So you haven't had crisps in a month, right? What am I having tube fed? So what, no you just haven't had crisps. So you've had an unbelievable month of extraordinary willpower, extraordinary out of character willpower. Which- I've quit sugar the day and I feel ill.

Just today, which- Yes, I didn't have any sugar yesterday. Every one is quarter one. It's quarter one in the afternoon. Oh no, I had a biscuit. I had a chocolate touch yesterday. When? About an hour ago.

That's how I got. Gaslighting myself. Oh no, I didn't have any sugar yesterday. And then today I was like, keep going. But I had to have a digestive. Oh God. Oh Christ. Right, okay.

I haven't had crisps for a month. Right, okay. I haven't had crisps for a month. You're gonna fucking look. Ask us about me alarm after this. I'm gonna write itano. Go and look, ask us about me alarm after this. I'm gonna just write it down. Would she eat... Would I eat, right, okay.

Would she eat her favorite crisps that have been... Something like I woke up. Yeah, something like it was, that have been hoovered up straight out of the compartment where the dust and the hair was. Oh no, no, no, no, no, come on. No, surely not. Surely not.

You're having a crisp for a month, you're starving. We've hoovered dead flies in that up, man, innit? You've opened the thing, the compartment, and they're in there. You can pick the bits out. You can see them, you can pick them out. There's nothing. So it says here, happy for Chris to decide specifically

what floor the crisps were hoovered up from. So I'm gonna go- All right, give us a floor. Kitchen tiles. Okay, they're pretty clean. before Chris does decide specifically what for all the crisps were hoovered up from. So I'm gonna go kitchen tiles and the the the Hoover was emptied two days ago. So there's still stuff in it. Look, I can't eat that. No, I'm funny with like, dust and grit and stuff. I couldn't do that. No, no. Okay. That was this week's Woodrozeat. Very well played. Well done. Thanks everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Starving actually. I've set an alarm on my phone, you know, once a month for a Chinese takeaway. You've set an alarm in your phone, an alert, for once a month to tell you to have a Chinese takeaway.

I don't know what to do with that. Is that weird? So I just thought, I love Chinese takeaway. Yeah. But obviously, I'm trying to be really good. I want to lose a little bit of weight, as I always do. And you can't get them all the time. And I just thought, but I still, you know, want to have my life. So I've set an alarm, just literally.

So it reminds us once a month, and it's like, right, ready now. So look here, Chinese. Right. I've just literally so it reminds us once a month and it's like right ready now. So look here Chinese Right, I've just typed. I've just so they look what so it's on the first Bills come out Chinese take away night What are it so look first but, oh, so hang on. My next one's a Tuesday night. Are they open on a Tuesday? Some of them aren't. Some of them aren't.

So Friday night in November, that's good. Oh, Sunday, December. No, so even if you don't- Oh, first of January, New Year's Day. First of January. That's a good day to have one. So even if you don't fancy one, it'll come up in your diary and you'll go,

oh, I'll have to have that night. Well, okay, what I'll do, obviously, if I don't fancy one, it'll come up in your diary and you'll go, I'll have to have that night. Well, okay, what I'll do, obviously if I don't fancy one that day, or if I've had, you know, an Indian, that I'll go, right, okay, well when's the nearest like night that I can get one? So if it's like on a Monday, I'll go, don't fancy it today, I'll set it again for Friday. Can I interest you in a different system where

if you have one in the month, you cross it off and you know you can't have one until the next month and you can have it any time in that month. Yeah, well there you go. But setting an one in the month, you cross it off and you know you can't have one until the next month and you have it any time in that month. Yeah, well there you go. But setting an alert in your phone, go and make sure you have your Chinese takeaway, it seems that you could do it the other way around, which would be have a hard one, take it off. I would forget.

I would forget, you know what I'm saying? Okay. Or you'd forget to have one. Why you've, I thought I had a really good system. It's a really strange system. Are you saying you'd forget to have one or you're saying you'd forget and you'd have more than one in a month? Maybe, yeah.

Right, okay, fair enough. Oh, it kind of makes sense. It's odd. I just thought it was like, you know, just have one once a month. I mean, listen, I'm allowed to have two if I want. There's no rule. It doesn't have to be one.

Oh, so the entire system's bullshit then? I had one yesterday, but the phone says tonight as well. My new app, my fitness app comes out next week. Follow my plan. She's going to release a new book. It'll be next to Joe Wicks and all him in the health section. It'll just be called one Chinese a month. Brackets. If that's alright with you, close brackets. Take away a tally. Rosie Ramsey. Rosie Ramsey presents,

How I stayed the same way for five years. Oh Christ. Oh hey listen. Hey stop me to on yourself. You're beautiful. I love you. Oh no, no, no. Thank you. I feel, I feel good. It's just, I just, I like Chinese and I want one of one. Why don't you stick one in for Indians as well? Why don't you stick one for a curry? I can take a leave, leave a, what is it? Leave a take a leave a take a... Yeah, leave a take, that's exactly what it is. Take a leave a take a... Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Right, we're still talking about it.

No, stop! We're done now. Well, no, it's just going to say, it'll remind us and I'll go, I haven't had one for a month. I deserve a curry, a Chinese curry. Yeah, but what I love about it is when you've got your Apple watch on, there is going to be a moment where it bings and it tells you you've done your steps for the day. And then in the basically the same thing, it's like Chinese night, by the way.

I'll be like, get in, get in. Enjoy yourself. What about little rewards? What's your order? Eh? My order? Do you want to know my order? No. Just people sometimes like, they know people's Chinese orders. Come on then.

Take my orders. Didn't someone ask me this the other day on the radio? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? We order. Just people sometimes like, you know, people's Chinese orders. Adam's Dad Come on then. Kirsty Take away orders. Adam Didn't someone ask with this the other day on the radio? Kirsty Yeah, yeah, yeah. Adam Yeah? Kirsty Yeah, so mine is BBQ spare ribs. Adam Yeah, I always steal one of them. Kirsty Chips.

Adam Yep. Kirsty And what I usually do is I put balsamic vinegar and salt on the chips and then I pour the sauce from the BBQ spare ribs on the chips. Adam Yeah, you ruin them. Kirsty But I've stopped getting ribs recently and I just go full on house sweet and sour Cantonese style rice. Adam's Dad There it is. And what do I get? Because I found it. It took me years and I found it. Kirsty Yeah! Finally he's found one he likes. You get beef and chicken like in a...

Adam's Dad Sweet chili honey sauce. Kirsty Sweet chili honey sauce with rice. Adam's Dad Really good. And obviously get egg fried rice. You gotta get egg fried rice. If you're not getting egg fried rice, what are you doing? Kirsty You do egg fry rice. You gotta get egg fry rice. If you're not getting egg fry rice, what are you doing? Kirsty- We do egg fry rice. But we only try when we...what we should do is get ours and then order like an extra one. Adam- I've said it before. We'll take fucking years. You've seen the menu. It's intimidating. It's mad.

Kirsty- Sometimes I look at them and I'm like, oh, what's this? But yeah, we should try. I wanna try other ones though. Adam- Good. Well, once a month. Kirsty- Yeah. Adam- It'll take 20 years to get through that full menu. Can't wait. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef, what's your beef, what's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef.

Now listen, we have dipped watoa into your beef, so why don't we just roll back straight into that? I just hate that you just fall asleep on the sofa at like nine o'clock. I very rarely fall asleep on the sofa, but last night, I will give you, I was dead to the world. I fell straight asleep. Why didn't you just go to bed? It took us by surprise.

I literally- And I'm not being funny. I took Robin to bed and I lay there with him while he fell asleep. Yeah. Because he's a spoilt brat. And I was watching my iPad. Why didn't you just do that and go to bed?

I wanted, I was literally, I wanted to watch UFC. I was like, oh, I've got the UFC. And I sat and watched one fight. And then the next thing I know, you were leaning over as waking us up. I got the fright in my life. You hate when I wake up as well, don't you? I'm like, oh, I was bewildered.

I didn't know what was going on. Literally wakes up like I've got a gun to his face. It's, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Jesus. I was in a really deep sleep. And I went to the bed. I don't know what was going on. I don't know. Just life. I had a big week. I know.

I totally get it and I can understand. You alright? I can understand. I know a lot of people who do fall asleep downstairs but sometimes I know if I'm falling asleep if I can feel the eyes going like that and I go I'll go to bed.

Something nice about it though. Falling asleep on the sofa is a nice sleep. But then, you know, I've got to wake you up and then you've got to do that really icky thing that I hate and then I go, why am I here? Well, I honestly can't describe how upset I would be if I fell asleep on the sofa and I woke up on the sofa and it was morning. Well, actually, should I have just left you? No, I'd be really, if I woke up in the middle of the night and the house was all dark, it was like two in the morning. You'd have been devastated.

I'd have had an adrenaline rush, I'd never get back to sleep. No. Oh gosh. See, that's the thing. But then you go on, like I woke you up and you're like mad at it. Well, you could have just carried me upstairs. No, but you get mad at yourself. Why don't you just carry me upstairs?

I can't carry you. Why don't you just try? You get mad at yourself, which I don't understand. You're like, I fell asleep. I'm like, you're 38 years old. Go to bed. Stop telling everyone how old I am. I'll have to do that celebrity thing in a few years

where I rewind it back and announce that I'm 35 in five years or something. Oh yeah. That's what they all do. Listen, my beef with you, and it's a weird one, right? Because I kind of have to big myself up for this beef, right? Which I love doing anyway. We were talking the other day, we were in the hotel,

we were in London, we did a few days of pay on stuff, as we said, we were in the hotel. And I don't know where it came from the next day, and I don't exactly know how the sentence started, but I wrote it down as soon as you said it. You said, you were standing in the hotel this morning after eating loads the night before and your abs were pure bulging out. I couldn't look at you. It should be the opposite of that.

It should be I couldn't take my eyes off you, you look fantastic. But you were angry at us. You were annoyed. Yeah. Because you just eat whatever you want and don't put any weight on. I work. I work out and I don't eat whatever I want. I eat in moderation, right? You don't work out that much. Check your phone. There is not one alert for a Chinese takeaway in my phone. Yeah, but you had two bacon. We got the train down. Yeah. And I don't order a bacon roll because I've got my grapes and all me shite that I buy. Yeah. And you get me to order one so that you can have two bacon rolls. And then you'll eat all day. You don't eat shit in that, but you'll just eat loads.

And I just... But then you've got like loads more calories than me, I guess. Yeah. I was just really bloated. Kyle's making us bloated. Right. Can you get the snip already? Can you just go and get it done, please? I'm scared. I've heard loads of bad stories. Are you actually really scared? No, I don't know.

Oh my god, what? I don't know. Tell us. What if they find something else wrong? Then that'll probably save your life. Okay, I'll go with it. Oh my Christ. Why don't you want to get it done? I will. I'll get it done. No, tell us who said something. No, I just heard loads of bad things. Kirsty Like what? Tell us. Adam's Dad Just people just have horrible...they just have a horrible time with it. Kirsty What do you mean? Adam's Dad Didn't tell how a friend had a bad time with it.

Kirsty Who? How? Adam's Dad Is it Lee? Lee had a bad time with it? Kirsty What? Are you gonna tell us what happened? What's his ball sack fell off? What happened? Adam's Dad Just hurts for a bit. Just hurts. Kirsty Oh! Oh! Oh, sorry about that. Adam's Dad Yeah. Kirsty Oh, you fucking wanker.

Are you kidding me? All right, I'll get this nip off, God. Am I being punked? This is horrible. Like what? It hurts for a little bit. I don't want to have to go to a full-on operation, you know? Will they put us to sleep?

No. Will I get a sticker? Chris, would you please go and get it? Right, okay. Because I don't, like- I'm going now, I'm literally going now. The coil's not agreeing with us. I get like a week of the month where I just, I'm so bloated I can't even sit down in my

trousers. And that happened last week which was fun. So can you please go and get it because I don't want the coil anymore. Okay. Okay thank you. Does that week coincide with the alert in your phone? I hope so. It's time for Questions from the Public! As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shagged, marinoid at gmail.com. Hello Christopher and Rosemary. Full named. Formal as shit. We've both got like nicknames as our names, isn't that funny?

Nicknames? Like Chris, Rosie? Yeah, informalnames as our names. Isn't that funny? Nicknames? Like Short and Versions. Rosie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Informal Short and Versions of our names. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why my family did that. Why am I, why am I Rosemary? It is odd. And Rosie, why? What were they thinking? Kate, Kevin.

Rosie. Rosemary. Like why have they done that? I think my Kate chose me name. Oh, well there you go. And then she was watching a program. It's got your Kate written all over it. Rosemary has got your Kate written all over it. Rosemary. Rosemary has got your catering. I think my mom was probably affected. Right. Cool. Please keep me anonymous. The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, I farted.

Mm hmm. This is a lady, by the way. Oh, God. OK. Yeah. Down there. Ashamed and embarrassed, I quickly convinced her it was the noise I made when I came. Shamed and embarrassed, I quickly convinced her it was the noise I made when I came. Now I have to fart every time we have sex. Otherwise she thinks it hasn't been a good session. It's been a year. What a rod you've made for your own back. Oh God. That's like a sitcom where a lie gets out of hand.

Oh no. Oh what a pressure. There you go. I don't think I could... She's going to shit herself. That's like a sitcom where a lie gets out of hand. Oh no. Oh, what a, oh, the pressure. There you go. I don't think you could. She's gonna shit herself. I couldn't always bring on a thought. I'm telling you, she's gonna shit herself.

Surely this smell would give it away. Oh lasses. Just come clean, please, just say it. Look, it's been a year you can go look, but no, because now you can go, by the way, the first time I was a fart, what, so you've been intentionally farting every single time?

Just every single time, yeah. Yes, I've been intentionally fart fought every single time? Yes, I've been intentionally fought every single time. Okay, this is over. Sorry about that. Why does Rafe keep pumping onward? I don't know. What's happened? Is that from our house or is that from nursery? Cause I don't wanna be awful here,

but it's only happened since he started nursery. Right, so me and Rafe play with the little Mario figures and stuff and always the game is the pump on the game is the pump on each other. I'm gonna pump on you and can you have a word. I may have done that I'm not sure but yesterday I was washing the dishes yesterday and I just felt something in my leg and I turned round and he just had his arse on my thigh and he just fought and then he ran off. It's not good. It's great. He did it. Cause of the table. I think it's amazing. Steph and the girls were under Steph, my best friend and our little girls were

around yesterday and our little girls are just lovely because you know, they're just lovely. And yeah, he did it yesterday. And honestly, they were, they were, they were shell shocked. They were like, what, what is happening? I was like, He did it to me this morning. He came and waved me up. Yeah, he did it at my mom's when I dropped him off. He came and waved me up. And then I was, I was busy getting, I think I was putting my pyjama pants on at the side of the bed and I looked and and then I was busy getting, I think I was putting my pajama pants on at the side of the bed and I looked and he was just on the bed, head down,

arse aimed at us, ready to pump. So I just, like the game became that I like put my hand on his hip and I like threw his bum to the side. So the game became I just kept doing that. Well, I had to have a word with him and say, you can do it at home, don't do it at school. Right. Thank you very much.

There it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi guys, long time listener. I was listening to last week's episode that mentioned Rosie trying to get on a flight with a Costco card. I think you'll find I actually did get on a flight. Go on.

With me Costco card. And the return flight. Crazy. And it reminded me of something that happened 10 years ago. I was at uni and still living at home for the holidays. My mum was going to do a work conference in Turkey. That's exciting, isn't it? Conference in Turkey.

I remember sitting at home when all of a sudden, I got this text that came through. Somehow, my mum had managed to get onto a flight from the UK and end up in Turkey with my passport. Whoa. How she managed to get through customs with a 19-year- old's passport is beyond me. She's a persuasive woman, that's what she said.

But this reaches new levels. Somehow she convinced them to let her through and had a colleague who was flying in the next day bring her passport. I'm still not sure what the situation is with me in Turkey. Did they mock me entering the country? Did I ever leave? Oh my God, are you still there? Am I a tourist? I technically outstayed their tourist visa for 10 years. I'm still a little bit worried and I never want to find out.

Wow. That's interesting. What would be the crack with that? I don't know. What does anything happen when we enter a country? Is it all just show? Have they got a clicker like a nightclub? Do they think they're still in there?

Maybe that's it. One day if they have to evacuate the entire of Turkey, are they gonna be scrabbling around looking for her? I don't know. That's so strange. I know, interesting. Do you have to, so if you, where is Turkey? It's not a...

Opposite roads. Opposite. Yeah. It's a... You can't access the rest of the land. It's not an island. So can you just drive out of Turkey? Could they assume you just drove out of there?

Hang on, let me look. Where is Turkey? Are we stupid? A little bit. It isn't an island, I don't think. No, it's definitely not an island. How embarrassing. It's definitely not an island. Yeah, you could drive.

You could drive. So yeah, do they have to just assume you've driven or... Maybe. Died there? Yeah. That's so weird. Isn't it? I really don't know. You'd have to go the

long way around but you could definitely drive home. Wow. See I've had a similar thing where on holidays when I was younger I've ended up having a girlfriend on the holiday. Sorry what? Yeah I've ended up having like a little holiday romance and a girlfriend and never actually officially broken up with them so are they still out there somewhere going, sorry, got a boyfriend. Shit. You know what I mean?

How old were you when you had, why are you having girlfriends? Like 12 and that. Oh, ew. Did you actually? Ew, yourself? How dare you? I never met a boyfriend on holiday.

No? No. Obviously you weren't attractive enough. Clearly not. I've never met a boyfriend on holiday. No? No. Romances? No.

Not as a kid. No? I was too busy at the beach club. Yeah. Making pom poms. And having entering singing competitions. There it is. There it is. It's gross.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi Chris and Rosie. I've got one for you that I think you'll love. I was at a friend's wedding recently with a small group of mates. I don't know her soon to be husband or any of his family, but they certainly got to know me after this. The ceremony was lovely, really nicely decorated, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen were dressed up to the nines. They even had the groom's five-year-old daughter read a speech. That's nice. And they treat... Five. What? Five.

What? Read a speech at five? Yeah. I mean, it's little girl did. Lucy Fleming, she was five. She was five. She definitely wasn't five. She was definitely five.

It was 10 years ago. And she's just finished school. So she was six. It was 11 years ago. It was the year, they got married the year before us. She was five. She was five. Okay, it's more of a aww, not like wasn't that a good speech. No one said it was good. Okay. Go on you such a dick.

Just like... Awww. No, little Lucy did, not so little now, um No, Little Lucy did not so little now, did a speech at Michael and Rachel's wedding and I didn't really know everyone then and it was bloody lovely and I cried. Actually I do remember, I just said thank you for being my mom and dad. Yeah, it was absolutely, I cried. I take it back, I take it back. Sometimes I try and be negative for comedy value and do you know what I've done?

I've shot myself in the foot. You have. And thank you for letting us see the error of me ways. I'll be 100% positive about everything from now on. Well done. Yeah. Put your pretending mask back on. You've opened a can of worms. Put your pretending mask back on.

Great. Come on then. Let it slip then. They're all saying the real you. Brilliant. The real you. Because he's a dick, you know. He's a dick. Total prick. Right. So listen, they even had the groom's five-year-old read a speech.

Oh, that's lovely. And they trained their husky to walk down the aisle carrying the rings. Come on, anything? No, no, I don't think I've got anything bad to say about that. It was like a fairy tale. Oh, okay. At the reception later, my mate and I were talking about how nice the dog looked.

That's a fuck you to the bride. That dog's hot as hell. Eee the glossiness of that dog's coat. Well are you listening? She had clearly been to the groomers the night before as her fur was very tidy and I joked God even our ass looks great. Right? That's what you said.

Not my best line, but it got a couple of chuggles. That dog's arse was tight walking down that aisle. Couldn't take my eyes off that dog's arse. Peachy. Perfect. Later on, we all took part in a quiz about the bride and groom. I was sat in a team with my friends and we had family who we didn't know on either side of us.

The bride stands up and asks the question, what competition did the groom enter with Bella recently and what position did they come? With a wry grin on my face I confidently shouted, best arse first place. Expecting a laugh from my mates. Hello I'm here for the best arse dog competition. No sorry that got shut down, that got shut down as soon as they announced it. Yeah they're all in prison. Stunned silence, horrified looks from the family members all around us. I couldn't for the life of me work out what was up until a friendly no-man told me, Bella is his five year old daughter. Oh God! Oh God! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I didn't see that, I didn't see that coming.

I didn't see that coming. I've heard the phrase wanting the ground to swallow me whole but I don't think I've ever fully experienced that feeling until that moment. Oh, you are on a register. I can only imagine what the family must have thought when a grown man who they don't know announced that the groom's little girl would win a best-off's competition. That's one of the worst things. I'm embarrassed and I didn't do that.

It's so bad. Anyway, after a good bit of ribbon from my friends and for the rest of the night, I've at least got a good story to tell. But then, yes, but then the get out is even worse. Oh, I didn't know the name of your daughter. I know, I know. But it, okay, so in his defense, so he's friends with the bride, he must work with the bride and he doesn't really know the groom, so he might not know the groom's daughter, her stepdaughter. That's delicious. But yeah, wonderful that, isn't it?

Absolutely delicious. Wow. Best arse, first place. Tired room of silence. He's looking at you. That happened to me. He's looking at you. He didn't get punched. I told you that happened to me at a TV recording a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I made a bit of a rude joke and literally, like, you'd think that spat on Harry Redknapp's

face the way that everyone replied. He was there. He was there. It was just like oh oh god if they leave it in I'll be I'll let you know if they leave it in. Leave it in, calm laughter. There is honestly not many feelings like as crushing, as soul destroying, than saying something you think's funny and getting fuck all. Obviously I've done it thousands, countless times in my career and life, but it never gets easier. It never gets easier. Especially when you go, this is a fucking banger and you deliver it with a little quip and it just gets nothing. Best arse, best arse, best arse, first place. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Baryonoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed, thank you so so much if you want to get in touch at shagbarynoid.gmail.com,

my Sky special is on Sky and now, now, and the Poonami book is in the shops to buy. It's cool, there's a Poonami in my house, not just the Poonami book. Nah, fuck it, whatever. Oh wow! Bye! Bye! This is an ad from BetterHelp. As kids, we were always learning and growing. But at some point as adults, we tend to lose that sense of curiosity and excitement.

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One touch without a rope is all it takes. Say it. Never let go. We're the world now. Never let go. In theater September 20th.