Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 291. C'est Super

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

Join us live from the SMA bakery for a very bread-heavy episode, thanks to Rosie's new bread maker… Rosie has a bone to pick with hotel showers and Chris serves up another round of Would Rosie Eat That.There’s a surprise in the beefs - and QFTPs clear up some of our questions about sex clubs, as well as an extremely upsetting story about some butter and an ick that has given Rosie a new idea... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Ooh, nice Deb. Celebrate Small Business Month with free shipping Tuesdays this October. Visit CanadaPost.ca slash Small Business Month. Hello you're listening to Shagmire Denoy with me Rosie Ramsey, my husband who can't fart properly, Christopher Ramsey. So, well hello, so straight into it here, I just, just before pressing record for a laugh, full eye contact with Rosie, knocked out a little squeaky fart just beforehand. They're all squeaky. Just try and make you laugh. And you hit me back with, your farts are pathetic. They are, mine are like, ripplers. Yours are- I've never had such a-

I'm so offended. Yours are very much trying, you must have a really tight arsehole. I've got a tight little bum like. Yeah, but they're like, boooom. Can't get through, whereas mine are like, bleh bleh bleh bleh.

Anyway, this is disgusting, I'm so sorry. This is one of the worst ways we've ever started the podcast, but calling me far too pathetic, that might be one of the worst insults I've ever had and I don't know why I'm so upset by it, but I just am. That's not a bad thing, is it? I'd rather mine were a bit daintier. No? Yeah, for sure. Anyway, welcome to this week's episode of Shagged Marry Noid.

Yes, hello. Hope you're all well. Welcome to Shagged Marry Noid, coming live to you this week from the bakery because I've never ate so much bread in my life. I don't know what's going on here. Oh mate mate. I've never ate so much bread in my life. I know. Did I talk about my bread maker last week? It was my beef. Yes we've talked about it loads but it's just it's just become I was doing it. I haven't been eating but I know everyone slags off bread and I do hate when people slag off bread but it it's so, people slag it off so much, it sticks in your head that people slag it off, because it's obviously, you know, it's obviously

quite, it's just stodged really in it. Like historically, the poor, the poor just made bread to fill them up. It doesn't really do anything for you. Yeah. But it does. So like, you know, back in, like I say, when I did that time crushes thing in any kind of, if anyone doesn't know, that was a show I did on Channel 4 where we had to sort of live, live as we were in the past. Yeah, it did one series and that was that, but it was fun. And,

I quite enjoyed it. Anyone, like, so sometimes when we were higher up than the other people, they always put when the hierarchy of the time period, anyone higher up, the food they had was like meat. Just meat. Like meat, not even cheese, meat, like really like, one morning the higher ups had like bacon and eggs

for their breakfast and the lower downs just had bread. Because historically that's what it was, it was like peasant food. So bread is like not amazing for you and people have slagged it off, but I haven't ate as much recently, but fucking hell, since you. I'll tell you what, listen to this though.

So last night, because I'd baked a loaf yesterday in my bread maker, genuinely I was going to have a sandwich for me tea. Do you know, like normally I'll make like a meal and we've got a hell of a fresh for tonight. But I was like last night, because you just had soup, you had soup and bread. I had soup and bread and I had a bit of cheese on toast. The bread? Well I genuinely, I was just going to have a sandwich and I was like oh no I don't just want a sandwich but yeah.

Right, it's the best way I can describe it to everyone right, so you know when you go to a restaurant. I love bread. It's an occasion, you go out for a birthday or anniversary or something like that, you go to yourself a nice restaurant and they put you down the bread, they put a basket of bread in the middle and it's that lovely bread with a, I'm currently living in front of that fucking basket of bread 24 seven. I'll only eat that bread if it's hot you know sometimes when they put it down it's clear call I think absolutely honestly like yes I've been normally ruining me

meals in a restaurant I've had far too much bread and I can't finish my meal I'm currently doing that all the time at home now I see some difficult poos on the horizon for me oh really yeah I'm clogging me I'm gonna clog myself up oh good for you no matter why bread now I see some difficult poos on the horizon for me. Oh really? Yeah I'm clogging me, I'm gonna clog myself up. Oh good for you. No matter what bread and bananas I'm eating. I might as well be eating fucking cement. Oh gosh.

Guys thank you so much for being here, thank you so much for listening. It is episode 291. There you go. Yes thank you for being here. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all that in your little podcast shops. Really do appreciate it, It only takes a second. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee This week's sponsor is, and they're freaking us out and they need to stop doing it, people wearing light coloured trousers in the pissing down rain.

Stop it. We saw, Freaks me out. We were in Newcastle the other day pissing down it was pissing down with rain it was really cold and there was a lass it was near the uni i think she was a student not that i'm trying to you know maybe anyway maybe be a student she had white linen pants on and i just thought later on that day i saw someone in cream jeans and it's pissing down and you're walking on the cobbles anyway i mean i walked over three or four paving stones and water fucking flew up that gap, can't bear that, hate that when that happens all over my pants but I had

dark blue jeans on. First of all when you have kids all your fucking white clothes go out the window in my opinion I barely wear white trainers yeah true but oh how do you do it? They must just go home and just have to fucking throw them pants in the bin. She's just got no cares. But maybe it was all that was clean. Maybe it's that hadn't been the laundrette. Did you ever go through that phase when you were younger

of the baggy jeans where the bit hung across the bottom and the big wet patch came up the back? So, no, can't bear it. I hate the feeling. I mean, yeah, I probably did at some point, but I can't stand the feeling of wet trousers. When they invented skinny jeans, when skinny jeans came back in, I knew they weren't better.

I was just like, yes, yes. I've been waiting. Cause I just, yeah, I love flared trousers. That time capsule that you're buried in the garden with all these skinny jeans in. Where were we? When skinny jeans were announced again. It was like, I remember where we were.

The sea, you remember where you were when JFK got shot. I remember where I was when the news, it came on everyone's phone, like remember where we were. The sea, you remember where you were when JFK got shot. I remember where I was when the news, it came on everyone's phone like a U2 album. Everyone, skinny jeans are back in. I know where I was. I've just remembered, I think we were at Flamingoland. I was at Flamingoland. No, listen, where were we when Alas had

big bell bottom jeans on in little plimsolls and it was pissing down with rain and we were flabbergasted. Oh, the bottom two foot of our jeans were just drenched. Where was it, Chris? Like what a valley is what you think. Like what a valley, that's where it was. Yeah, we couldn't stop watching it. Every time we see it, we're like, look at our jeans.

Yeah, so it looked like there were different pants. It looked like it was dark denim on the bottom, but oh, Disgraceful. Like sensory-wise, I'm just like... Wet jeans upset me so much. Do you know back in the day when like self-edged denim and all that raw denim came out, you used to put a pair of jeans on that were too big for you, you get in the bath with them and they would shrink

to your size and you would let them dry on you and that would be that. Absolutely not, what's happening? How well do you want your pants to fit? So I mean, I know you're not meant to wash your jeans that often, but some people go disgusting amounts of time without washing their jeans. I did a college, I had a pair of,

I had a pair knock off of Vsus, knock off ones that I got off someone for like 40 quid, and I didn't wash them for so long. That's gross. And I remember, I thought there was toothpaste on them and it was garlic sauce from a night out. Oh God. I remember going on toothpaste and like scratching it.

And that was back when people smoked. Yeah, I remember going on toothpaste and I scratched it with my finger, then I licked my finger, I was like, oh my God, it's garlic sauce. Horrible. Speaking of smells, I was in a shop recently I'm not gonna tell you exactly when because someone might realize

someone walked past it you know when you can just smell the hair like dirty hair like a heart like the inside of an old heart yeah gross I hope you told them no I mean yeah I did I said excuse me wash your hair. Imagine excuse me you don't know me but manky as fuck that like. Yeah that's nasty I shouldn't say that. By the way I'm not very well you know. I'm a bit bunged up like. We're both a bit poor. I think it's the bread.

It's not the bread. I think it's the bread. I think the bread's making everyone ill. I think you need to stop making the bread. Look at her yawning, look at her yawning, say something quick. I can't, do you know what I think it is? I think it's kids. I think it's kids like just being disgusting at school. And you know,

do you know, right, apparently, they brought this thing out, the government, I don't know how true this is. I've seen it on someone's Instagram page from their school. We haven't had this from our school. And it was like, they can't take any days off school sick or something. Like they have to be really, really sick to be able to stay off not just like a sniffle it's just gone. I'm not having that. It's gone so the other way. I don't believe that.

It's like did we learn nothing from the pandemic. No but if they're sick within 24 hours. No like not vomit. Right. Like sniffles basically but I think if your kid does have a bit of a sniffle and they're not very well don't send them because then they're just gonna spread all the germs and that's why we're all ill. Yeah. Surely. I don't send them because then they're just gonna spread all the germs and that's why we're all ill, surely.

I didn't...is that a real thing? Well, I don't know. I don't think that's a real thing. It can't be, really. They're gonna start charging parents who have too many sick days, their children. What if your kid's not well? That's bullshit. And who's these parents who just let their kids stay home? Like, I'm literally like, get to school. I'd take them in a wheelbarrow

and dump them at the gate if I could. There is some kids who just didn't go to school, you know? Just literally just like. Ah, there was kids in my school who were always off. Oh aye. Always off. I was so jealous of them. Yeah. So jealous. I must have tell you what they're like.

How cool it was staying off, man. Remember how neat staying off. Oh my God, do you remember this morning? Watching, hearing the theme tune of this morning, right? Even now when I hear it, it reminds us of just lying on the sofa. Doing nothing. Do you wanna be duvet from upstairs on you?

At my nana's though, because my mom and dad were always at work. So we got me nana and grandda's. And they're just like, me nana would just give her everything. Just proper look after her. Like sugary tea and just toast all day and then me grandad would go get work like a can of lilts from the shop and crisps.

Oh god and just like, is that enough pillows for you sweetheart? Do you want another blanket? And I'd be like, yes please nana. F***ing nothing wrong with you. What have you got? F***ing athlete's foot. Best days ever. Best days ever. Didn't get that from my mom. No, never. My mom was a nurse. You literally had to be dying to stay off school. He's so angry about it. Lil't crisps. But you can't, you, you, do you know, I'm telling you right now, Rosie, do you know, you could just go to the shop now and get yourself some Lil't and some crisps. Although I haven't

seen Lil't for years, I'm gonna be honest with you. No, well back in the day though, you couldn't. Where'd I have, I didn't have any money. I'm saying you could now though, yeah, but you could just go to the shop now and get yourself some Lilt and some crisps. Although I haven't seen a Lilt for years I'm gonna be honest with you. No, well back in the day though you couldn't. Where did I have, I didn't have any money. I'm saying you could now though yeah but you're saving like it's. Oh yeah I totally could now I know. And I'm off the sugar though aren't I? I'm off the sugar! Although guys listen I had four giant buttons the other day. Whoa! Giant buttons?

Giant buttons. Not just buttons? The giant ones. But can I just tell you, I've lost half a stone. Yes. So all that says to me is how much was I? How much shit was I eating? Again, you know, don't try me nice. Well, I was being nice.

Well, because you would. So I love you and I think you're beautiful no matter what. But sometimes you'll be like, why, Chris, why do I still feel terrible? And why do I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere with it? And I feel like I'm not progressing. And I've been really good, haven't I? And I'm like, definitely, I definitely bought eight fabs the other day

and there's definitely none left. So I imagine you think you're being good, but I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just, obviously I was just going, yeah, of course you are darling. I don't know what it is. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

Don't judge us. Right. With one day. Right. I had five fabs in one day. There it is, isn't it? I had five fabs, it was sunny, so I had two when the kids like.

It was sunny! Because we bought a massive, like this is the thing, we bought, remember in the summer when we bought the huge, it was like 12 and a pack or something. Yeah, yeah. You had five in one day, and then you're right, then I'll literally be like, why aren't I losing any weight? Look, hundreds of thousands at the top. I mean, they are all of them. You might as well have five fucking ice pops would be better, something like that. 100 calories each, so you're talking 500 calories.

Easy. Wow. But yeah, off the sugar, it's been like three weeks. Yeah, apart from them four. Apart from me four giant bars. So when did you have them? Not yesterday, the day before. Okay, so it's been, she's off the sugar, it's been like three weeks. Apart from them four. Apart from me four giant buttons. So when did you have them? Not yesterday, the day before. Okay, so it's been, she's off the sugar.

It's been two days. Oh, how are you? You can't count that. I can't. I'm not going back to zero. Are you off the sugar or are you not? I'm off the sugar. Are you off the sugar or are you not?

Don't date, right? Discount that. Didn't happen. I'm not going back to zero. I'm telling everyone three weeks. We've said it now. No, I'm not. No, it's right.

Don't listen. Four giant buttons. There was 100 calories in each giant button. No, there's not. There is 200 calories in each giant. But anyway, it's just nice because I've been trying to lose weight since I had rave. And I just haven't been able nothing's worked. And then this is the first time, even though I did a show at the weekend, my sister literally is adamant that I'm on Ozempic. And I'm like, Kate, I have not, I would, I would tell her if I did. She's like, you have, haven't you? And I'm like, absolutely not. Not that I've got anything against that, guys.

I know people who are in it and blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, no judgment here. But I'm not, I would say I was. Yeah. Hmm. But probably, actually, wish I kind of was because I really do miss cutting my way fast. You might have to,

and just to sort of counteract those giant buttons that you keep at. Oh get lost. There's 600 calories in every giant button. Shrugged your stupid face. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.ged, Married, Annoyed. Hashtag my finger smells like butter. I just sniffed my fingers. That wouldn't... Smell like butter.

Do you like that? No, it's upset me a lot. Yeah, it's upset me a lot. Go and wash your hands. No, it's okay. Are you sure? I'll be alright. No, you're not going to be able to relax. No, it's upset me a lot. Yeah, it's upset me a lot. Do you want to go wash your hands? No, it's okay. Are you sure? I'll be alright. No, you're not going to be able to relax.

I'm going to be a brave boy. I'm rubbing them. Go and wash your hands. We'll wait for you. I can't, no. I'm rubbing them. I'm alright. They'll be fine.

I'm just buttering bread. We need to stop. Right, stop it. Don't. I might have to sabotage this machine, you know. I might have to take the fuse out of the plug. Are you taking the piss? It's a new way of life.

I wasn't eating that much bread and now... Don't eat it then, you piss. That was a big white loaf that needs to be consumed within the day otherwise it goes horrible. Yeah it doesn't last very long, that's the only thing in it. Oh God! I gave it... Well don't... Nobody's forcing you to eat it. I gave the gardener three slices of bread this morning, didn't know what was going on. That's our family bread!

Why are you giving it away? I can't eat anymore! That's the children's bread. I can't eat anymore! Oh God! Oh by the way, I made a whole meal love. It was like a fucking house break. It was horrible.

It was absolutely awful. So we're just fully on the white bread, which is amazing. Oh god, what a couple of boring bread wankers. Listen, I've got some news. So, I am doing a stand up. Sorry? Doing a stand up gig. Oh right.

Me? I am doing a stand-up. Sorry? Doing a stand-up gig. Oh right. I am doing a stand-up gig. Friday November 1st in Hull at Hull Connics Arena. An awesome line-up. Is that Hull Arena? The one we did our first show there for Shag Mario Noid. Awesome venue. It's like I think about 2,000 seats. Amazing. Amazing line-up. So Chloe Petz is on. Love her. We've seen Chloe before and Chloe supporter Ed Gamble. Flo and Joan are on. Oh, sing your Flo and Joan. I hear Shaw and Jack McLean. Absolutely phenomenal lineup. It's like a Chris Ramsey and Friends thing. I'm hosting it and these guys are all on amazing lineup. That's November the first, Friday November the first. Just Google Hull Arena, Chris Ramsey, it'll come up.

Tickets available on there. So there you go. Yeah, should be really good. Sadly, I am busy. You're busy that night. Yeah. But I'll tell you what night you are also busy. What?

15th of December, we're doing Laughs For Kids at Newcastle Arena. We are doing Laughs For Kids, yeah. That'll be really good. Now, if you don't know what Laughs For Kids is, Laughs For Kids is basically a thing that Jason Cook, friend of the podcast and friend of mine, set up and it's basically a show where you bring your entrance fee is a present for a child for Christmas. If you've got any kids

listening, stop them listening now. Thank you. So because of severe levels of poverty in the Northeast, a lot of children wake up on Christmas morning without presents. So. Yeah. So go on Newcastle Utility Arena, I think it's like 20 quid deposit to get a ticket. And then on the night you turn up with a present,

two presents or three presents, unwrapped. All the details are on the website. You're on, I'm on, Jason's on. There'll be standup, there'll be music, there'll be all kinds going on. It's gonna be a great night. It's always a really good night. But what we're hoping this year is,

obviously Jason, we've done it before in the past, but it's always been at the City Hall, which isn't as many people, seats, because it sells out really quick. Get your tickets quickly because you've got to reserve a ticket. It will go really fast. But we're doing it at the arena

so that hopefully we can get so many presents that there will not be one single child without a present in the Northeast this Christmas day. That is our, that's the goal, that's what we wanna do. And in return, you'll get a lovely night of comedy, music, and everything in between. There's loads of standups coming from all over the country. I'm sure Carla Hutchinson-Bianni's on every year.

I might do a bit of standup as well as I'm back in the standup, I'm a bloody comedian again. Isn't Adam Rowe doing it from? From Have A Word podcast. I'm sure Adam normally does it. Adam will be on loads of people on it. It'll be great. But it's called, it's spelled, it's spelled, not spelled the normal laugh. It's spelled L-A-F-F. Four kids. And that's going to be on the 15th of December at the Newcastle Utilita Arena.

So there we go. See you there. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do you know what I hate? What do you hate what I hate? What do you hate? I hate hotel showers. Really? Do you know what upsets us about showers, right?

Go on. So the ones we've got at home very much just, what, like it's a little lever. One way for cold, one way for hot, and you just kind of do whatever. The fuck are the number system in the hotels? Like, why do they do that? Why can't they just have like a left and a right, like a tap? Why has it got to

be like 38--------? Is it degrees? Well, I think it is, but then it never tells you which way to turn it. So, if you go to a hotel for two days, you do not experience a nice shower because you're constantly just having to work out what the temperature is. Why can't it just be like a button system? On, off, cold, warm, hot. Cold, warm, hot. So you only want three seconds. That's all I want. Right. So what if the hot is my hot, not your hot?

Chris, why are you making it more complicated? You're making it more complicated. Do you understand why I'm coming? Do you like the temperature gauge system? No I don't. Thank you very much. I don't like how fucking sensitive some of the temperature is. Exactly. You literally move it a millimetre and that's the difference between freezing your bollocks off and scalding them. But you don't know which way you've got to do it. You don't know which way is cold and which way is hot. Right Yes, right. Are you walking in and standing under the water and just playing fast and loose like Russian roulette while cold and hot water blasts you? Yes. Don't stand in it until you've sorted.

So what are you doing? I stand out of it and I get it sorted and I put my hand in and I go is that okay? Then I get in. I'm not getting it. You're a raw dog in the shower. You're climbing in and just turning on and just getting fucking pelleted with water. Are you mental? Why would you do that?

Because I don't have... Why are you do that? Cause I don't have, Why are you doing this? So how are you gonna know? So I'll open the cubicle door or whatever the thing, I'll pull the curtain back and I'll turn it on and I'll stand and wait for a bit and I'll put my hand in. Yeah, curtain, there's no fucking curtains in the hotel.

So you don't need to open it. Well, I'm sorry. And I'll put my hand in and I'll go, okay, is that warm enough? Is that fine? And I'll get in and I'll go, okay, maybe a bit hotter and I'll remember which way it was for hotter.

You're getting in, you're just getting in and turning it on. Like you're getting baptized. No, sometimes like the live in the hope that the person who used the shower before us would have left it just normal. It might have been the cleaner rinsing the thing out. It might have been someone doing a cold water shower. Oh, sorry, it, she or he.

It might just be, the thing is if I'd have said he, you'd have went, oh, weird. So don't even start. Yeah, you would have, don't fucking start. What if someone had just been doing a cold shower? I know what you mean, like. Thank you, why can't you just agree with this? I'm just saying, I think hotels suck at showers.

I think the showers suck. Every hotel, it's because we go in hotels a lot. I think I'm just- How long, just one second, just a side note here, how long have you been using the word suck in sentences? Because I, you said it twice there, I don't want to die. How long has this been happening? Why can't I say suck? Just what you've been watching. Oh, I watch a lot of American stuff.

Right, okay. And then the kids say things. You've picked it up. Can I not? I'm not, I've never been on board with, I remember I was at school and when American Pie came out, a lot of my friends started things stuff so start saying that stuff sucked I remember I think I moved friendship group I was like I can't have this I can't be hanging around people say you gotta embrace it we

watch a lot of American TV we watch a lot of American stuff it's okay listen I'm a broke sucks great didn't super the Kardashians said that and now that's like what's super is it super what do they say like I haven't they didn't invent so they haven't invented super but they say it in sentences that like British people never said but now everyone does like It's super frustrating. Yeah. Yeah super the Kardashians. I'm telling you now. I see it. I've said soup No, I'm not having that I would take them to court. I've been saying soup, I'm much longer than them. No you have not.

I fucking have. You have not, you fucking have. I remember. I remember once, right? I remember once, I got told off in French, year eight, because the teacher kept asking us questions and the answer was say soup-elle for every single one and she said you can't keep saying stuff soup-elle

and I said I can. Well, that's because it's nice to say in French. That's the only reason that you're like super super super super. No but genuinely a lot of things in America have changed a lot of the ways we talk. Stop saying sucked it's horrible. I will say whatever. Showers suck. Hey showers you suck. I'll say whatever I want. Thank you very much.

Awful. Sigma. Babadoo babadoo babad I want. Thank you very much. Sigma. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for. Oh. Wood rosies. Oh, you're going to vomit. That was horrible.

That was like a drain clear and that one that pushed. I've got a little pain in my chest. You're right. That was horrible. Did you enjoy the eye contact throughout the entire thing? I did not enjoy any moment of that. That one goes out to Max Miller. Because our friend, Vicky Miller, who absolutely loves the food.

He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. He's a big fan of the food. in my chest after that one. That was horrible. Did you enjoy the eye contact throughout the entire thing? I did not enjoy any moment of that. That one goes out to Max Miller, because our friend, Vicky Miller, who absolutely loves listening to the podcast all the time, she says Max's favourite bit is Woodrosy eating. Woodrosy eat. That was for a child. It was for a child. You could do burps for like TV shows, cartoons and stuff.

I was in the park the other day with Robin and Rafe and there was, it's like a little, there's a little, they're me two children. There was a little dirt track thing and all these kids were going around the bikes and I was just standing in the middle of a Rafe while we're watching. And there was a kid, he must have been,

all the kids must have been about 13, 14, maybe a bit younger. And one of them was burping and he was knocking out these big burps. And he's made to all laughing their heads off and they're like, how can you burp like that? How? Please do not tell me right now that you burped. Do not. I didn't. Rosie. Rosie, I didn't. You're on the telly. You're proud of you. Should be proud of us because I didn't.

A lesser man, Chris Ramsey, maybe five years ago, I went, Crotty L. Dundee style. a lesser man, Chris Ramsey, maybe circa five years ago, I'd have went, Crocodile Dundee style, call that a knife? That's not a knife. I'd have literally been like, lads, I think you're fine. Whaa! But I mean, yeah, I didn't,

but every ounce of my fibre, every fibre, sorry, in my body, wanted to take that child on head to head in a burp competition and embarrass him in front of his friends. Just don't. And I didn't. But just so you know, I could have.

How do they burp? How much were they drinking pop? No, he was just knocking burps out, same as me. Just sucks the air and knocks it out. I can't do it, mate. I've never been able to burp on cue. It's really good. It's good if you're feeling bloated.

It's good if you're feeling bloated. I very rarely burp. Yeah? No. Okay. I fart all the time. Of course you do. It just never really comes out the back end. very rarely burp. Yeah? No. Okay. I fart all the time. Of course you do.

It just never really comes out the back end. Very rarely burp. Right. You ready for Woodroze eat? Come on then. Okay. Again, all the emails in on this. I am hungry by the way.

Fantastic. So. Well, again, again, let's just go for the rules again. In these, you are absolutely starving. You feel sick. You need this food. Right. Or you can't just choose.

It doesn't help. Right. You haven't got bread in the oven, right? You've got your last sort of wit of starving. You haven't got a bread in the oven. I don't know what the term is. Welcome to one of the biggest podcasts in the country. A bread. Where we can't speak properly. You haven't got a bread in the oven. Can it speak proper? Right. Okay. So, what would Rosie eat? A packet of hula hoops. Love hula hoops. What flavour? Brackets of Rosie's favourite flavour. Oh, beef. Beef, there it is. Beef hula hoops. Threaded onto a necklace. Okay. The hoop necklace is nestled gently on the... I love these so much. What is the necklace made out of? It doesn't matter. It's just on a necklace. On a chain?

Doesn't matter. Okay. It's... Let's say a string. Okay, on a string. It's nestled... The hoop necklace is nestled gently on the chest of an excessively hairy old man. Oh, Jesus. Like really hairy. Why are they gonna be old? Don't know, it's a bit ageist in my opinion. Like, and sexist, like really hairy. Like the hairy pubes are creating a spongy layer

over his whole body. Like moss. Yeah, like moss. Extra points if she eats some off of his hairy fingers as well. Chris made aside the cleanliness of said man. So I thought about this a lot since I got this email. My level of cleanliness is he's been lying sunbathing all day.

So he's got a lot of cream. That's okay though. There's a lot of cream and sweat. Okay, okay. Just to just... That upsets you. That doesn't upset me as much. I'm more of a steel sort of. You've hit that you've done it wrong there You'd have been better off saying to me they've been in bed for four days on a sunbed just No, no, no, no, they've been on the sunbed. So, you know, they might have dipped in out the pool So there is he's not being he's not being to be honest with you. Listen, I do it I would do it because it's not touch it on the hair. Okay, I would do it. I would do it because it's not on the hay. OK, I would do it. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I would eat that.

Wow. Doesn't bother us as much. Well, there we go. Fantastic. And what was he eat? A lemon meringue pie. Not what I would have picked already. We've lost it a bit. What kind of pie? What kind of pie do you like? Eh, like I love apple pie. What were it? Sorry, I read it wrong.

What does an apple pie... ...with a used flip-flop found near a bin by a bus stop... Oh, bins upset me. ...can use one dry sheet of cheap kitchen roll to clean it? What? That's gonna do absolutely nothing! I might take a bit of bird shit or something off it. Oh, God! That's gonna do absolutely nothing. I might take a bit of bird shit or something off it. Oh God.

Oh God. Flip flops upsetters, feet upsetters. Bins, you know bins really upset me. Someone's at the jackpot here, this is really good. I really don't like bins or like beside bins. So what I think of is just like dog piss and that and, oh Jesus Christ. But I am really hungry. I don't think I could. I just used my hands.

You can't use your hands. The man will kill your whole family if you use your hands. You know this. There's always a way to kill your whole family. The man. The man. Right. So, you can't? Just gonna starve? No, I would. I would. Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would. I'd have to. I used flip-flops. I mean, it's not even a good utensil. It's a terrible utensil.

There's no sharp bit in it. I'd have to. Yeah, I would. Okay. Next one. You've had a long... These are so personal. It's great.

You've had a long night with your hair being pulled by Rafe. Oh, go-goes out. And Chris has come back in, stinking drunk, very late. Yeah. In the morning you are dying for a coffee. It's the best coffee of your life. Can I just stop you a second? I am always dying for a coffee in the morning. It's my favourite thing that I consume in the entire day. So they've already got it. Who am I drinking it out of? So it's coming's coming, but you can only drink it from a used beer bottle that Chris brought back with him last night after he found it on the street. You could rinse it with cold water only.

Oh, that's a, that's a very upsetting receptacle. Sam, I imagine drinking a hot coffee out of a cold beer bottle. But if I can rinse it. Wasn't yours. Nah, I found it apparently. I found it. Apparently, I don't know what happened to the other. I'm coming in stinking drunk really and I'm bringing back souvenirs I found in the street. You used a beer bottle.

But I can rinse it out. Maybe you can rinse it with cold water only, it says here. It's very specific. Am I allowed to wipe it with a dry... No, don't try and break the rules. I imagine in this scenario, I saw it on the street and I brought it back to recycle it, because I'm a legend. Oh, who's had their lips around?

It just... I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure try and break the rules. I imagine in this scenario, I saw it on the street and I brought it back to recycle it, because I'm a legend. Oh, who's had their lips around? You just don't know. Mouth or Fanny?

Lips. Eh? Just said lips. I always used to say it, Carlitans used to really upset me when he used to drink, he used to drink water out of beer bottles. Yeah, I just, I mean, I do, yeah, I would. Yeah?

I would, if I couldn't have a, I'd have to have my coffee. Oh, Jesus. So sad. This is just horrible. This is horrible. I really get upset about drinking from other people's like mouth things. Yeah. And shit. Yeah. Well, I'm just dare. I let everyone behind the curtain here. Just before we start the podcast, I pointed at your lip balm on the table.

What looks like a brand new lip balm. And I said, is that lip balm? You said, yes. I said, can I use it? You said, absolutely fucking not. You picked up an old lip balm, which genuinely looks like it's been in a bin, threw it across the table at us

and said you can wipe your finger on that one. And that's it. Yeah, so yeah. We're both not very well. Why are you wanting to spread drugs? We clearly got the same thing wrong with we're. We're clearly both got the same head cold. All right, clearly both got the same alright let's neck on absolutely yeah okay so someone's on holiday here and they've just written the looks I'm getting

laughing out loud and I am loud at would Rosie eat on my son lounger in Lanzarote this one upset me a lot just because I think she's in the Sun so she's imagining it in the Sun he or she actually I don't know. Would Rosie eat warm tuna? I do like tuna and I like food warm. I hate cold food so I'm fine with warm tuna. Warm tuna out of a cat food sashay lightly rinsed. Don't know what lightly rinsed is. There's bean cat food in there. Yeah so it must be the pouches the sashashes, they pull it up top like a tilde rice and then they've just sort of give it a quick rinse and then they've just poured

a hot tuna in it for you. Yeah I would actually. Wow is that trousers. What the cat hasn't ate, it's just bean cat food in there. I'd probably eat cat food if I was starving. Cat food and dog food upsets me beyond. I quite like the smell of dog food. Oh nah.

I don't have a cat or a dog obviously. And you never will. Dog food and cat food just upsets me beyond. I quite like the smell of dog food. Oh, nah. I don't have a cat or a dog obviously. And you never will. Dog food and cat food just upsets us so much. I don't know. I just don't know. It's just horrible cold massive jelly bits of meat and the dry stuff doesn't, it's just like cereal. It upsets me watching dogs eat their food.

Oh no, see I like watching the meat because I'm like, go on, you're really enjoying that. Oh no, but then they're like. Then you go and mix the dry stuff with the wet stuff and then. Yeah. Unless you spoil it. So I've known some people who just full out, well, calls dad. Calls dad. Makes like just full on scrambled eggs. Chicken breast, scrambled eggs.

Chicken breast a lot. Four scrambled eggs. Four chicken breasts. Four chicken breasts. Yeah, crazy. Okay. And then the fart and you wonder why it stinks. Okay. Final one. This one's me favorite so far would Rosie eat a dairy milk chocolate

Easter egg oh my god don't cuz I literally have an eight sugar for three weeks it's been in the fridge it's been in the fridge it's a dairy milk it's been in the fridge I'm not craving sugar as much though, so maybe I'm okay. Well, stood over the stinky, weak old kitchen bin. What do you mean? Oh, so I have to eat it? You've got to be over the bin, and the bin's a week old and it's lifting. And you know what, I'm gonna add a caveat in here,

there's a chicken carcass in that bin. And like an idiot, I went and put it in while it was still warm. So everything's hot. Yeah. You can't pinch her nose. Wait, can't pinch her. This is actually silly. Can't pinch her nose and has to have her face within one inch of the bin. Oh come

on. Get away. It's been a full year since your last Easter egg and it's going to be a year till your next one if you don't eat this one. Do you know what? I'm gonna say no, right? Do you know why? Why? Because for me, the whole pleasure of eating, drinking, whatever, is not just the taste, it's also the smell. And if I'm having to eat something over a bin like that,

I won't enjoy it. You know why? I'm like with smells. If there's a funny, like if- You can smell the kitchen bin from upstairs. I can. And if the dishwasher needs cleaning and the plate smells. Yeah, I can't eat off it Yeah, I've actually scraped food off a plate onto a different plate because like, you know, you can smell the plate

Cups are bad. So and cup of tea in a smelly cup. Absolutely the worst. So no, I'm gonna I'm gonna honestly, you might have just just Clawed back a shred of dignity there. Yeah. Yeah, I think you've done quite gonna say no. Honestly, you might have just clawed back a shred of dignity there. Have I? Yeah, I think you've done quite well there. I think you've come out the way you went in. All right. I don't think anyone thinks you're better

than what they thought. I think you've just met everyone's expectations there. Yeah, I'm starting to really rethink the apple pie with the flip-flop next to the bin. Too late now, too late. It's out there, it's out there. Oh, God. Out there.

Okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for What's your beef? What's your beefy little beef stock? Beef beef beef beef beef beef beef. You've just said you might not have one. Well okay so I want to just actually thank you. This feels like a trap. It's not a trap, I swear to god. I did my little singing thing at the weekend. Yes. And it took up quite a lot of my time. I do believe me exact words as we were driving you down there, me and Robin and Rafe, they were sitting in the back devastated.

I was in the front devastated. Is that when I was doing my vocal warm up? Yeah, the vocal warm up was blasting. Rafe and Robin kept trying to talk and you know, we're just going to me me me me me me mamamoo. I turned, no can I just say I turned round at one minute and Robin just was literally looking at us with his mouth wide open thinking. Whole journey there. Not only did we give up a portion of a Saturday to take you down and then I had the kids for the rest of the day, but whole journey there you ignored us and did your vocal warm-ups in the car. Very obnoxious. I do believe me exact words were this is the most selfish hobby anyone's ever had. But you're welcome.

Do you want me to carry on with mine? Yes please. I just wanted to say thank you because you have had the kids quite a lot and you came to see the show with Robin on Friday night and you are so lovely about it. It was fantastic. And do you know what? Honestly I just really appreciate it so thank you. No beef this week. Oh. Because I'm yeah it was really nice and do you know what it is you've got your BJJ and your girlfriend and all that shit and I've got me singing and it's genuinely brought us a little bit of joy,

me sad, horrible little life. So there you go. I'm so glad, I'm so glad. It was a brilliant show, shout out to the lady who came from the Scottish borders, who I saw in Coleman's beforehand. Yes. Literally she was like, oh, we're from the Coleman's,

because he's always talked about it on the podcast, and then we've come to the thing. She was like, I brought my mom down from the Scottish borders, I was like, you absolute legend. Jeez Louise. So yeah, lush, absolutely lush, really good night. Feels weird now, because I've got a pretty hard-hitting beef lined up here.

I know I'm irritating, so let's go. So I'm gonna do something a little bit like our Extra Extra episode here. So for those of you who don't know, we run another episode fortnightly on Acast Plus, Smart Plus, it's called Extra Extra, where I read, we play a game, don't worry, three headlines, two rounds, three headlines, in each round, two headlines are real, one is fake, all are... What you, what you do, dog. What you, what you do, dog.

Guys, we've got a catchphrase in the news. We've got a catchphrase, if you're missing that, yeah. It's very exciting. You've missed out, there's loads of them. 50 odd episodes of that. So, however, I'm gonna do a bit of that here, right? One headline, just tell us whether it's real or fake.

Fake news or real news? Feel like, cause this is in the beef section. This is gonna be a trap. You ready? Headline is, woman's handbags are contaminated with more bacteria than the average toilet test finds. I would believe that.

Yeah, you would believe it. So why do you keep putting it on the fucking kitchen island and the benches are next to the set everywhere? You shitty, stupid little handbag. Kitchen island. Next to the bread. Next to the eggs. Next to the butter.

Next to the fruit. On the chairs. Next to the plates. Stop it. It's easy to learn. I don't give two fucking shits what is it still covered in cock. Yeah. More bacteria than the average toilet and you put it where your children eat, where

your husband prepares the meals while you're out singing. I've debt all them benches at least twice a day. You never wipe the bench. That's my beef with you. Debt all the bag. I will. Debt all the bag. Piece of shit.

God. Where the fuck, what? Can I not live in my own house? Oh, the headline was real, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that. No, they all might be like, I totally, but actually, can I just say it's a posh bag, it never goes on the floor,

so maybe a little bit wrong there. No. Doesn't get much bacteria. Let's test it. I keep it nice. Let's test it. You tested all you like, go buy yourself a little lab kit, you little fucker. You know I would love. I know you would. I would love to do that.

Nothing would make me happy than testing that. By the way it normally just goes on the dining table. No it's always on the kitchen. No one needs other dining tables. Dining tables is just a shelf for all your shit. Yeah stop it. Stop it. Right. Do you know I actually came up with it as a fake news headline for Extra Extra. I was like, Oh, I'll wind her up that that they contain more. And just as I was about to do it, I quickly Googled it and I was like, fucking hell, I've guessed the news. Yeah, so is your phone probably. Oh, so is your phone. How dare you? So is your face.

Would you stop it? What are you bullying us? I love you. I don't love you. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Life and death were two very realistic coexisting possibilities in my life. I didn't even think I'd make it to like my 16th birthday to be honest. I grew up being scared of who I was.

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Celebrate Small Business Month with free shipping Tuesdays this October. Visit CanadaPost dot C-A slash Small Business Month. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for Questions from the Public. Question from the Public! Public! Bababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababab go to sex clubs. No. I have had ridiculous amounts of emails. Wow. And a lot of them know this room with the car. Shut the fuck up.

So it's like I've got the name of the sex club and everything. We can have a little look. But then I don't want my Google search to just be like sex clubs and shit. Ugh. Because I think- It's not work. I know, but I think my Google search is linked up to Robin's iPad. Oh Jesus.

So I think- It is, it is. It is. Yeah, don't do it on there. Okay. Oh man alive. Alright is, it is. Is it? Yeah don't do it on there. Okay. Oh man alive. Alright anyway right do you want to know about I'm dead interested like guys I'm sorry if you don't find it that interesting you're probably just having to deal with it because I find it

really interesting. I find it extremely interesting. Fascinating right. One yes there are proper venues with hundreds of people attending. Hundreds? Hundreds. Hundreds? The one we usually attend, some sold out evenings, accommodate 300 people. Go and shit off. Uh huh. 300 people. I bet if you went to Google it you would be surprised how local they can be.

No way man. Bottom of our street Chris. No man, aww. Imagine. Number two, do you wear shoes? And it's here with the question mark. It's up to the individual. It's gonna be crocs, innit? Just listen to this.

It's gonna be crocs. It's gonna be sliders or crocs, same as fucking Jujitsu. You- It is. You usually arrive in normal night out clothes, then dress down to lingerie slash boxers slash towel, or nothing.

Then you can decide. I usually wear little ballet pumps, and hubby wears sliders. Yeah, there he is. But some have nothing on their feet or fuck off massive heels. That to me is really upsetting. Like, right, so, so here's the thing, right? This is why I find it weird. So we get there, we go on night out clothes, then we dress down lingerie or boxers. Yeah.

He's just in his fucking horrible next next next boxers and checky boxers and and the women are in lingerie and he's just got he's got flip-flops and boxers on looking like he's putting the fucking bins out I do not want to have sex with a man walking around in sliders or crocs or flip-flops and a pair of baggy monkey like you know imagine unless they're box new absolutely not. We're having a go here though there might be really nice boxer shorts there might be a designer pair of you know.

I don't I don't think the average man who goes to sex clubs looks like a lingerie model yeah he's not gonna be the guy in front of Calvin Klein boxers or ke. Yeah, he's not going to be the guy in front of the Calvin Klein box as a kegs, is he? He's not going to be him, like, let's be honest. Wow. It upsets me. Because I think lingerie as well, I think lingerie can cover up a multitude of things. You can have them ones where it's got like the little sort of tutu thing where you can have things that suck bits in and cut that stuff up. They're designed to sort of frame the female body perfectly, do you know what I mean? Whereas he's just fucking kegs and he's split flops.

I genuinely, I genuinely. I think I'd be more attracted if he had like a song on us and we got the tight ones. He might as well go full hog and put a fucking dressing gown on top as well, just walk around. Use Peter under his arm. Here's something for you. I think I'd prefer a man, I think I'd be more turned on

by a man in a dressing gown or like a robe. Really? Than a pair of boxers and sliders. I just can't, I can't it. I'd just walk around going, no, no I just couldn't. Anyway. That's another thing, I don't know if we're gonna get to this, but how do you just go, oh no not you. That's what I don't understand. So I was like, oh the sex stuff over there, but what if you see someone and someone's like, how are they? And you're like, no, mate. Well, I'm guessing, I'm guessing it's very consensual. You don't have to, but do you go with the proviso

of I've got, like, I don't know, Chris. I don't know what the fuck it is. My point is, my point is, when you get stuck, so imagine this is just a normal club or a normal pub, right? When I get stuck next to someone I don't wanna fucking talk to and they're doing me tits in, I still get very away when I have to go,

oh yeah, nice one man, I'm just going to the toilet, whatever, I'll go to the toilet. And then when I come back, I relocate myself so I'm not next to whatever boring cunt who's doing me tits in. It's the anxiety of that times a thousand, not just I don't wanna talk to you, oh, we're here for shagging,

but I don't wanna shag you, get out my face. I don't know what you would do in that situation. That's why I would never go to talk to you. Oh, we're here for shagging, but I don't want to shag you. Get out my face. I don't know what you would do in that situation. That's why I would never go to these things. But then is it kind of just very free and open and like, okay, we'll give everything a try. So you're just going to shag anyone? Well, I don't know. I don't know if you turn up on fucking coupon night and bargain night where it was half

price and everyone's Oh, there will be Everyone's in their boxes, dirty boxes, skid box and that. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I don't know what the rulers say. Anyway, number three is glass allowed. The clubs I have been used plastic glasses, but if you fancy a tea or coffee you get a proper mug.

Tea or a coffee, that's sexy as fuck, that like. Alright, anyone turn down my coffee breath? Cue over here please. Cue over here. All that's here here to me though. Right sorry. Coffee breath or tea breath. Same, stale, mangy, sliders, kegs, uncut toenails. In this queue here. Fucking hell. What upsets me about that though is that everyone who's just drinking tea or coffee just stone

colds over. Stone colds over. And they just love to be there. Yeah. Okay four. Do some people get dragged along because one wants to go and the other doesn't? Yes, but we would always say this isn't a good thing. If only one is keen, it's not for you as a couple. Consent is key and being forced to go is not consent.

Yes, there you go. I agree with that. On the topic of worst events, because what was the event? It was someone got proposed. I said class reunion, school reunion would be the worst one. Oh yes, okay well this isn't that but listen to this. This wasn't at a club but at an Airbnb that was kitted out for a naughty party or porn, film slash photos, hot tub,

dancing pool, piano bar, dance floor and a few interestingly decorated bedrooms. So there's an Airbnb, there must be an Airbnb where you can go and film porn and then like you can or you can have sex parties and stuff like that. Right, that makes sense. Yeah. Anyway, we were there. I'm being the cleaner on that. Can you clean my Airbnb please? If you're listening and you do this, I really don't want you to think that because that would judge him because like, you know, I've had one night stands before and it's not, you know, I can't sit here and go, how disgusting because it's just not my cup of tea. I'm fascinated by it and it's the organisation of it that

I find fascinating. It's just interesting it's just not our cup of tea but you know I get it and if it's yours and everyone's consensual then good for you alright. Anyway we were there with seven other couples for the weekend. So all I think about that is the shagging, fine. They're small talk. They're small talk. They drive home. Oh no. Are you on a minibus? Minibus home? Oh god.

What are you talking about? No. Horrible. What if you had a really shit shag off one of them? And a really good one off one of the others who isn't your partner. Oh yeah. I don't know. I suppose they don't care about that. I don't know. When we opened a drawer in the kitchen, there was a funeral leaflet in the drawer. When we checked out, we chatted to the owner, in brackets, who was also a swinger. Never.

About it. Never in the world. And he confirmed that a swinging widow he knew in Brackets and the poor sword who died wanted a naughty funeral for him surrounded by this swinging get out here now It was a swinging funeral and this is a bit extreme even for me But hey, maybe a good sex party is a good is good for grief. So there you go So they decided to have the goodbyes So but they've said they're right smart. to have the goodbyes. But they've said they, right? That's mad.

Hang on a minute, they've said... Hey, everyone, take turns to book us on the coffin. It's what you would have wanted. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, but I love, but can we fucking close it, please? I'm sick, he's looking at us. That's...how grim. How grim.

Yeah, it's grim as fuck. But each to their own. Lot of crying sex, can you imagine? Oh God! Lot of very like... This is upsetting us. Oh, no. No, thank you.

Oh, no. No. No. Just no. No. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bab Okay, this one. I have to be really careful because it's something that's happened which is not good but I don't want to get this person in trouble but I think if this had happened to you, you would absolutely know that it had happened to you. Right. And now it's uncovering who it might have been. Oh. So.

Oh. I know. How can I do this? I mean I'm intrigued. I don't know. Hello Chris and Rosie. Long time listener, first time emailer. Please keep me anonymous in case the mystery is still unsolved or in case of any legal action that might be took. Gee whiz. Re-listening to some older podcasts on a Monday drive to work, I've got five days to wait for the new podcast to come out. I'm re-listening to episode 241 talking about the TikTok question of where, you remember where it was like, where would you hide the paper clip?

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, in the butler, which I thought was a genius response. It unlocked a revenge story where my mate, let's call him, he's actually put his real name, he says at the end of the thing, he's like, that's his real name.

So let's call him John, right? Completed the revenge game instantly. When we were 17, John was seeing this 12 out of 10 blonde rocket. She was a proper lads lads and always pulled everywhere he went. But he's really fallen for this girl. OK, this particular girl was absolutely gorgeous. 12 out of 10 is not mathematically possible, by the way, just letting you know that. Well, I'm guessing it just means she's fitter than 10 out of 10.

I understand what it means, but it's just not mathematically possible. Just letting you know. Great. Good for you. So she was absolutely gorgeous in every way. And we were all jealous he had pulled her. OK. We would continue to mug him off wherever we could. Great. She was very well off. OK. Her family were local property tycoons owning hundreds of properties. John had managed to get invited back to her place one night but she didn't

put out. Which is her prerogative thank you very much. All John got was a family introduction which he described weirdly they all had rounds of toast like it was a morning ritual. He like round here. He remembers a catering sized tub of lir pak being on the center of the table where everyone was smothering butter all over the toast. That sounds amazing. But he remembers thinking with the money they've got surely there could have been it could have been something else other than toast on the menu. What a dick. I, oh, I thought you were a fucking millionaire. At least I have a couple of rash as a bacon like,

she was this toast, fucking toast, but I'm toast. Definitely got the Mac E.D.'s breakfast delivered. Like you thought you had a few quid. Was he expecting like fresh food platter and caviar and smoked salmon. He's been watching The Crown or something. Oh my God, The Crown win, they've just got like a breakfast buffet

every morning of their life. Imagine. I said, you know what it is, no, again, there's an episode of The Crown where they're having breakfast and they're buttering the toast and you can just hear them buttering the toast and it's such a perfect noise.

Makes us just want, I just have to have toast every time I hear it. Do you remember I asked, remember I did a Warbittons ad a few years ago, me and Robin did it. Do you remember how much toast do you remember I did a Warburton's ad a few years ago? Me and Robin did it. Do you remember how much toast we ate and it was just one of the best days ever? Just going to go out with you. Why don't they just give her loads of food? Because I had to just film loads of toast.

And we had beans on toast. We had like Nutella on toast. We had jam on toast and just butter on toast. Very bread heavy episode we've got here. If you're listening to this and you haven't had some bread or toast by now, you've got some serious willpower. Oh I love bread. Serious willpower.

Love bread so much. I love bread. I love bread. I eat it every day. That's why I'm here to say I love bread. I love bread. A baguette or a bun. Nothing is as fun as bread.

Bread bread yummity yum. Needs a bread up at Tommy's home. This party needs a fix. Let's get some breadsticks. Bread! Who sings that? Parry Grip. Parry Grip.

Well done. A few weeks later when her parents were away she was having a house party and John invited us all along. I'm sure I'll only show off his new frigid blonde bit. Wow. Jesus! Along with her mansion. Girls listening, you absolutely do not have to put out at all.

Absolutely. You don't open your... No, that's horrible. I'll not even say it. girls listening you absolutely do not have to put out at all absolutely you don't open your no that's horrible I'll never see it don't open your look no come on your love for any little Tom dick or Harry are you thank you very much and I know that this person's writing in and I know they're a podcast fan I don't want to upset them but honestly I hate that this person's writing in and I know they're a podcast fan. I don't want to upset them. But honestly, I hate that shit. Fridgid and all that. Like, what? Oh, horrible. Hang on. Jesus.

We all turn up fashionably late, half-cut and can't wait to see what our mates are like. Sure enough, our friends were outstanding. God almighty. Very attractive group of girls. Has this been sent in by Jay from the in-between? I feel like it has. Oh, friend. Oh, toast friend. It says all three of us had pulled instantly.

And honestly, pulled instantly at the caravan park. Had one up here, notion one off, finger in one there. And the dad walks over. I didn't have anything. Fingering one there. Then the dad walks over, I didn't have anything. Yeah. Um, okay, so John was quite

disappointed when his blonde lover was all over one of the other lads from a different area. Eee. John might be a bit of a dick. Anyway, John said enough was enough and felt that she was mugging him off. We told him to stay, seeing as we'd all hooked up with some lovely ladies, but he was sulking. So we decided to head into town to the local club. This is where John will forever remain

1-0 up, 1-0 up. He told me to come into the main kitchen and this is where he told me about the weird breakfast experience he shared with her whole family. Wasn't weird, it's just people having toast, but carry on. Literally just people eating toast. Rich people like toast as well. Fuck this, John said, I'll show her. Right, Rosie's mystery. What did he do do you think to get revenge?

It's horrific. Why did I go straight to wanking in the butter but I don't think he's got enough time. Okay. I don't think John's got the stamina to wank in the butter. No. I've got no idea, he's done something to the butter.

What's he done to the butter? What's he done to the butter? Oh, I really like butter. Why is he upset that he's upsetting us? I'm not going to say the name of the butter anymore because it's a good brand and I don't want to sully it. So, okay. He went in the fridge and got the butter out. He emptied the butter out of a plate and split it in half. He stayed silent after I continued to ask what the fuck he was doing. He then put half the butter in the microwave and turned it on. He took the empty large butter tub and went into the downstairs bathroom and quickly returned with a massive SHIT in the butter tub. I couldn't believe what he had done and instantly clicked to this genius plan. It's not genius, it's vile. I watched him spread the cold butter over the freshly laid shit whilst nearly throwing up.

He then got the melted butter from the microwave and poured it carefully level over the now, oh you look sick. Half way total. I can't believe what's happening. Layered with the fresh shit followed by spreaded butter around it. He placed the lid on it and put it back in the fridge.

This genius, he's not genius, had laid the shit in the middle of the butter and the liquified butter returned level over the shit perfectly and put back in the fridge to chill and go hard. We left the party... I can't get my head around this. ...imagining the look on their faces when they would all be sitting around the table with her new boy having their weird ritual toast breakfast. Who would be the one to scrape through to find the shit on that spread of

butter? We've been absolutely gone on about bread and butter since the beginning of this podcast and you have just ruined... How strange and I genuinely... That's so odd. I got this yesterday. I didn't mean... Well, I didn't know about this. I was the one who started banging on about the bread. First of all, not his first rodeo. Second of all, I don't think I would emotionally

recover from finding some shit in some butter. Third, I don't think the crime is equivalent to what she's done. He's just not used to anyone. Imagine what he's done now. Imagine if he's been married and divorced. Jesus Christ. I can't believe that. So they're going to find it encased in the butt, like the mosquito in Jurassic Park. How it's just in the amber.

Yeah. Oh. I know. Can we just say it as parents, right? If any little bastard came into my house and shit in a buttock tub, oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God. Oh my God. But then, would it be like, do you know the film The Help?

Adam's Dad- No. So, The Help, it's a brilliant film. I watched it recently. One of the maids like from, it's about in the 50s or 30s. Anyway, in America where... Adam- Olden days. Anyway, in America where... Olden days. Olden, yeah. In olden days.

When they had maids. One of the maids shit in like a pie, like a pecan pie or whatever. And the woman who she used to work for ate it. But she never told anyone because she was so embarrassed. So would you find it and just be so embarrassed that you would never tell anyone? Everyone's on the table, ain't they? I know. I'd kill someone.

I'd be, who was at this party last night? I'd line them all up. Oh my God. Oh my God. I know, it's horrendous, isn't it? But I think I'd get the butter out and I'd go, what's happened to this butter? It would never set the same.

No. It would never, ever set the same. I'd go, what, this butter looks weird. But the property tycoons, they might be just too busy. Too busy, no, someone's had a shit in your butter. That's busy, that is busy. I've never been that busy in my life. It must have been a big talk.

I'd know. Would you? I'd know if someone had shot in my butter. Okay. I'd know. I find that to be the most petty, disgusting, premeditated. Oh, he's got with her and he's went, oh, just 12 out of 10, she's amazing. If she ever breaks he's well, I was just 12 out of 10.

It's amazing if she ever brings up, I mean, I'm going to shit in that butter. I'm going to plant it now. Get down, man. Grow up. Well, I think this I'm guessing I'm hoping this was a long time ago. Hope so as well. I mean, I don't know. But yeah, it's still be there. Oh, God.

Can't believe that. Honestly, that shook me to my core. I'm really upset. I'm really upset by that. Do you want a bit of bread and butter? No, I don't want ever again. If anything, he's done me a favour because he's put us off.

Thank you very much. It's like you're new. It's like these guys are eating far too much white bread. I need to help them out. Thanks mate. I'm not having any more. Oh, I'll have a good jam. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Why you eye man, why you? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, I'll have a good jam. Oh yeah, oh yeah, why you eye man, why you eye? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi Chris and Rosie, quick ick for you, husband ick. Quick ick. Me and my now husband got married in July this year after 10 years together, congratulations. Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, he has given me the ick for the first time today.

First time in 10 years. He's done well there, like, he's done really well. He's done really well. What a's done really well. He's done really well. What a tenure. What a tenure. A tenure? What do you mean? Tenure, just a, that just like, you know,

what a, you know, he's had an epic run. Right. Oh, right. Like a, like freehold or tenure or? No. No, tenure. T-E-M-U-R-E. Tenure.

He's just teachers. It's when a, it's when a, it's something to do with American institutions of education where when a teacher or a lecturer has been there long enough to get tenure, which is like, they get a stay for, I thought I'd have to Google it. No, you don't have to Google it. I do because I know what it means.

Tenures has got something to do with houses as well. The conditions under which Lando buildings are held or occupied, all right then, yeah. Academic tenure. There we go. Excuse me? A type of academic appointment that protects its holder from being fired. Apology. Apology. Okay, I apologise. Do you know what it is?

Do you know what it is? I'm just going to go back and say what a stint. What a stint. That'll do. What a stint. Right, well here you go. Dumb and everything down. We are currently in the process of setting up a new joint bank account etc. I myself am pretty useless with money and all things finance so have been more than happy to leave him this down to him. Oh he's gonna rob it all.

He's robbing blind honestly have your own bank account don't trust anyone don't even honestly you might sleep next to him but you don't know that man at all. Nice. So there you go. He is a very clever guy and so of course he is and super savvy with money in brackets Martin Lewis eat your heart out. Red flag, red flag, red flag. So he's always trying to find the best deals and rates. I met Martin Lewis at Comic Relief last year and he was really lovely. I was desperate to ask him stuff. I met him at the NT years and he said he loved Heben,

big fan of Heben. Oh that's cool. Did you not ask him what the best rates? I'm just always... I imagine everyone says that. It's like when you're fucking, when someone's a dentist, you meet a dentist in the pub and you're like, oh, I've got this thing. Oh, no. Yeah, our friend's a nurse. I'm a group chat and sweet as shit.

She must be sick of her life. Anytime any kid's got a rash, they're like, Claire. Right, so sorry, back to this. So he's a very, very clever guy and savvy with money. Today, he was in the shower. I knocked on the bathroom door and slowly opened to ask if he'd like a cup of Macon. That's nice. When I walked into a very hot and steamy bathroom, I could see him writing with his fingernail in the steam slash mist on the glass shower screen. When I asked what he was doing, he said, I'm just trying to calculate the best interest rate for our bank.

In the shower. Yes, that's it. My husband was doing sums in the steam on the shower screen, like a maths teacher on a blackboard. Sums in the steam on the shower screen. Sums in the steam on the shower screen. Sums in the steam on the shower screen. Sums in the steam on the shower screen. That is, I'm writing that down as a song. Summs in the steam on the shower screen. That could be, that's the next summer hit. Is it? It is?

That's the next summer hit. Despacito sums in the steam on the shower screen. Summs in the steam on the shower screen. Summs in the steam on the shower screen. Summs in the steam on the shower screen. Some's in the steam on the shower screen. Some's in the steam on the shower screen. Yeah. It's not a hit. It's not the summer hit.

It's not a spring. It's not even an autumn hit. It's definitely not a Christmas hit. It's not even a spring hit. It's a never hit. Some's in the steam on the shower screen. It's hard to see. It's hard to see. It is hard to see. When we do in the screen, sums in the steam on the shower screen. When we do smile the musical

that's gonna be the one before the interval. That's gonna be the one before the interval yeah. The one before the interval. What's the matter with you? My husband has just been on the loo

Was it sums on the screen and the shower screen? Summs in the screen on the shower screen. It's really hard to say. You're saying scream. Summs in the steam on the shower screen. The cast, we're gonna have to really cast it well because that is hot. Summs in the steam on the shower screen is hard.

I'm sure, I think they'll be all right. We'll get some good. I love it. We'll get the creme de la creme in to do that. Fucking hell. Can I tell you something really quickly? Do you know how I know that we've kind of got ADHD? Because I watched a video on my Instagram.

Do you know we often just talk about ideas, don't we? And then apparently you talk about the idea, you get the dope mean hit from the idea, then you never actually do the idea, you've just enjoyed it like they're talking about it we do that all the time. So most people who don't probably have ADHD would be like no genuinely I might have a meeting about that I might actually put that into place I might do that musical we're just like yeah never talking about it ever again. And also it's shite. No why? Do you think it's great?

You think we could genuinely? Hey, have you, do you know they've just opened a musical about Gwyneth Paltrow skiing on a skiing trip? It's called, literally called Gwyneth Paltrow on a skiing trip or something and shit like that. And I'm sure they'll break even at best. They might do well, I don't know, but we could do Shag Myred and Oye the Musical.

Imagine how disgusting it would be. Yeah. Oh, no one would come see it. I can't be arsed. could do Shag Marry and Oy the Musical. Imagine how disgusting it would be. Yeah. Oh, no one would come see it. I can't be arsed. Usos would get like one star. Yeah, you can't do it. We'll get, yeah, no, no. But Sums in the... I might write a song for next week.

There we go. But I might not. I might have just enjoyed seeing it. I know you won't. That's it. It's done. It's dead. Bye.

God almighty. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid, also known as Sums in the Steam on the Shower Screen, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed, and don't forget Hull November 1st. I'll be on a fantastic line up, I'll be hosting a fantastic line up of stand up at Hull Connix Arena and Laughs for Kids Sunday 15th of December and our book there's a poon army in my house is still out obviously if you'd like it for Christmas presents etc. and it's a Sunday Times bestseller. So there it is. Thank you

all very much. Massive thanks to everyone who's bought that so far and we're glad kids are enjoying it. Thank you very much. Back in years next week. Bye bye bye bye bye. Bye. Life and death were two very realistic coexisting possibilities in my life. I didn't even think I'd make it to like my 16th birthday to be honest. I grew up being scared of who I was. Any one of us at any time can be affected by mental health and addictions. Just taking that first step makes a big difference. It's the hardest step.

But CAMH was there from the beginning. Everyone deserves better mental health care. To hear more stories of recovery, visit CAMH.ca. This message comes from BetterHelp. Can you think of a time when you didn't feel like you could be yourself? Like you were hiding behind a mask, at work, in social settings, around your family? BetterHelp online therapy is convenient, flexible, and can help you learn to be your authentic self so you can stop hiding.

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