Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 301. Warhammer Guy

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

It's the first episode of 2025!Chris and Rosie return to discuss their Christmas and how Fortnite and Warhammer have made their way in to the Ramsey Household. Beef's involve Rosie's cough and Chris shares a recent ick. QTFP's involve bathroom hygiene, a fresh fish and Face Off! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, you're listening to Shagged Browning Noid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Yeah, it's the seventh. This will be coming out, what, four days later? The tenth.

Yeah, so happy new year still to everyone who you haven't seen and keep saying it until you've seen everyone in your life that year and if you miss them, say it twice next year. Great. Welcome back. We hope we've had a lovely Christmas, a lovely new year, we've had two weeks off, but have we had two weeks off? No, because we've got two kids.

I'd have rather been doing this, I'd have rather been doing this the entire time. I've missed it. Absolute carnage. Genuinely, the happiness I've felt today, knowing that I've got work, it's tragic. Before kids, I did not like working at all. I know what you mean.

But now, I'm glad to be back. I reckon the amount of time I've sat down over the Christmas holidays, I reckon it can be measured in minutes over the whole two week period. I don't think I broke an hour of sitting down. No. I genuinely don't. Not fully.

You're always having to put a battery in something. Batteries and stuff, toys together, splitting up fights. I've been doing me level two culinary course in that kitchen. Yep. Made lots of meals. I think, honestly, right, I'm not just trying to brag, I genuinely think I could get a job in a restaurant.

What, for how quickly it knocks them out? Just, yeah, honestly, put me on the omelette station. I will. I will be absolutely fantastic. Put me on the omelette station. Tell you now. Yeah. So I me on the omelette station. Tell me now. Yeah. I do love an omelette station.

I like my own omelettes, but I do enjoy an omelette station. Do you know what? Just when there's a fella, when you're in a hotel and there's a fella there, just going, well, what do you want? Yeah. It makes you glad that you've gone to that hotel, doesn't it?

Even if the room could be shit, the room could be dropping bits. I'm telling you right now, if there's an omelette station, it's fine. If there's an omelette station, the room's not shit. If there's an omelette station, you are doing all right. If there's an omelette station, it's fine. If there's an omelette station, the room's not shit. If there's an omelette station, you are doing all right. If there's an omelette station in that hotel, you are doing well.

Yeah, if there's smoked salmon at the hotel, that's when it's a nice place. Be if, be if. Yeah, I know, I know. But if the room smells of smoked salmon, bad place. Not good. It's a thin line, it is a thin line. But yeah, there's something about an omelette station

where it's just like, what do you want? Do you want a fried egg? How do you want your fried egg? Over, easy, easy, over, sunny side up, easy, over. Can I just tell you though, I never go to them on holidays. I was a queue. Yeah, there's always, yeah.

And I'm not queuing for eggs. No. No. I'm not queuing for eggs. I'm not queuing for eggs. Is this queue for eggs? Fuck off, mate. No. Yeah. What omelette would you pick if you could have an omelette?

Any omelette? Do you factually say you don't even like them that much. What are you talking about? Nah, honestly, because the kids eat them every day. Cheese omelette. Actually, it would be the best place for you to work because you wouldn't sit there eating it. Wouldn't eat it?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, honestly, I wouldn't thank you for an omelette. I can imagine, no, because if you liked an omelette, you'd be at the omelette station, there'd be a queue, and you'd go, they'd go, sorry, who's this one for? Oh no, this one's for me, and then if one's a massive queue, you'd just sit and finish your fucking omelette.

Yeah, Chris, I made a Sunday dinner the other day because actually not gonna lie didn't really enjoy the Christmas lunch because it's just too stressful. There's too much going on. Everyone came, do you know they all came and sat around the island while I was cooking and I had to tell them all to f**k off. I was aware that you told everyone to f**k off in a way that if I'd did done that we probably wouldn't have been speaking for about a fortnight. Well. But you literally just told everyone to f**k off. Because my brother and my brother's partner and my sister and my dad all came and sat around the island whilst I was being sprayed in the arm with duck fat and I was like can yous all fuck off.

Once again I really am annoyed at how much you don't appreciate that duck fat sprayer that I got you for Christmas. Thank you for using it but don't use it and then complain about it. But what I was going to say though is I could not be trusted on the roast potato stand because we had a Sunday lunch the other day. I had about 11 roast potatoes. I've never seen anything like that. And then you actually said there was about six roast potatoes, well no, there was probably

about four roast potatoes left in the pan and you went keep them for me. And I went, shall I just throw them away? We've had like, you know, there must have been 30 odd roast potatoes. Keep them. And then the next morning I forgot and I'd left them on the bench and you got up and you're like, did you not throw them away. We've had like, you know, there must've been 30 odd roast potatoes. Keep them. And then the next morning, I forgot, and I left them on the bench and you got up, and you're like, I didn't, I put them in the fridge. I know, you never do that for me though.

You never- You don't tell us what, you go keep them, and I go, right, but then there's so many rules about putting stuff in fridges. Oh no, don't even fucking do it. That is a bullshit excuse. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. Right, so you're not, yeah, so- Google. Irritating, I'm not Googling how to put stuff in a fridge. What kind of time do you think I had to put Wendy houses together in that man and stuff. If I tell you right now, you cannot use this as an excuse anymore.

Right. It has to just be cold? Yeah, but it has to be cold and then it's like, don't wrap that in a certain thing and then don't put a tin in the fridge. Oh, it's a minefield. Okay, tin can't go in the fridge. Can it? It's a minefield. Use the plastic can't go in the fridge. Oh, can it?

It's a minefield. Use the plastic containers that we get from the Chinese, which I know upsets you, that they still put them in plastic containers. I'll tell you right now, and I think I've said it before, and if I haven't said it before, I'm saying it now, Chinese takeaway,

you're getting the food free, you're paying for the top away. I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now, I've never seen anything like the amount of, oh, they're not watching news. I've never seen anything like the amount of plastic you get from them man alive. It means that we've got loads of stuff. Too much? I don't store that many things.

Well, we'll find the best stuff to put it in. Yeah, but your car is yeah there's too many rules to put stuff in the fridge. I can't remember. Anyway. Stick it in the bin. I've got I'm so sorry I need a cough I've got a terrible cough. Everyone have coughs back and it's killing us. It's again, I've spoken about before because you're a singer or something, you're loud, you're the loudest cough. It's coming, it's coming. Oh, it's the breath. Oh God. Horrible. Fucking God!

It's the breath you're taking beforehand. I'm so upset. It's how loud your cough is. Like I say, when people say that your children, your child's whinge is like biologically into your, it's on your wavelength, the fucking know you the most. Your cough is on the perfect wavelength, the frequency to piss me off. I'm so upset about it.

I feel like I was ill over Christmas. There is a video now, I was gonna say, we are videoing this and you are literally drinking cough medicine from the bottle. Like, I bet you we can can't put that out I bet you there's something that says you can't do that well don't they use cough medicine to make crystal meth are you on crystal meth is that what this is? Honestly can I just tell you right now if being on crystal meth wouldn't make this go away I would take crystal meth. I imagine it would go away for a while and but then I imagine the repercussions would be worse

okay well next time you got a cough maybe all your teeth would come out yeah I imagine it would go away for a while, but then I imagine the repercussions would be worse. Okay, well, maybe I won't. Like the next time you got a cough, maybe all your teeth would come out. Yeah, I'm desperate for a glass of wine. That's what's killing us the most. I'm just so desperate for it because I don't do dry January. I don't know. What's the point? What is it?

Like, yes, okay, fair enough, I get it. But why do people go so excessive with stuff? Yeah. Why don't you just sort of go like, I'm just not gonna drink as much. People are like, I'm not gonna drink for a full month. Not even a sip. It's like, why? Why?

Just don't drink as much. Just say I might not drink four nights in a row. People like a thing. Come on, I like a thing. You know what I am. You love a thing. I love a thing. You fucking love a thing.

I'm surprised you're not doing Dry January. But I am. Or Veganuary. I am. I'm doing both of them. You're drinking a beer every single night? Well, yeah. Well, I'm doing my version of Dry January. What is that?

Drink a beer every night. Okay, good for you. But once I feel better, we are having a wine. Right, okay. We're gonna down a bottle of wine each. Full bottle of wine. Each? Yeah.

Each? Fantastic. So, sorry if I'm coughing. Daisy, I'm sorry. There'll be a lot of wine each. A bottle of wine each? Yeah. Each! Fantastic. So sorry if I'm coughing. Daisy, I'm sorry. It's gonna cough loads. There'll be a lot of coughing to take out. That's horrible. So thank you so much for listening.

If you're here, we're very happy to be back. It is 2025 and it's episode 301, which is incredible. There should be video clips coming out of it as well. We've got the cameras on, which I do find intrusive. You hate it, don't you? Don't like it. And my camera has got, I as well. We've got the cameras on, which I do find intrusive. You hate it, don't you? Don't like it. And my camera has got, I've just noticed this when we turned them on,

your camera's just on a stand with a normal bit. Mine, if you look at it, it's got like a pistol grip. It's like I'm in a Snipe as Crosshair. Don't, because I'm back into watching Scandal. And if I see a red dot on your face, that's it. Bring it on, bring it on. Oh, don't. Send the media, send it, had enough. I think that on. Bring it on. Oh, don't send the media. Send it.

Had enough. I think that's just Christmas holidays talking. Oh, I'm happy me. I'm honestly, my mood's quite good today. Sorry. But I was very down the other day. Wasn't I? I had a very bad lot. Honestly, was it yesterday? The day before yesterday? Oh, very down. Not two tears. Yeah. So listen, it is time for the first lucrative, lucrative sponsor of the year, of the 300s. This has to set the president, presidents, what is it? I've been watching a lot of Scandal. This has to set the first lady, sorry, vice president,

sorry, Oval Office. What is the word? President. President. President. Right, so it is president. No, it's precedent, It's a different word. Pre- Pre-cident. Pre-see-dent. Not president. Pre-see-dent.

Same word? Right, you've done it again. I'm gonna have to Google it because you're making us... It's the same word. President and precedent? Surely. They're just pronounced differently? Ah, fuck me. Are those precedents? This sets a precedent? Oh, fuck me. Are those precedents? This sets a precedent? Oh, fuck me, I don't know.

Portus? Oh, God. The internet doesn't even know what I'm talking about. Right, well, we'll just go with your gut. Like Olivia Pope. Set a precedent. By the way. There it is. Precedent. It's a, yes, it's a...

Do you know what it is? Is it spelled the same? You, you convinced me that I'm stupider than I am, and it's really, really... You're gaslighting me into thinking I'm stupid. That's what it is? Is it spelt the same? You, you convinced me that I'm stupider than I am and it's really, really, you're gaslighting me into thinking I'm stupid, that's what this is. Chris, actually, actually. President and precedent is a different word. Actually, a bunch of beer off,

but if you rewind this back, you'll notice that I didn't say that you were right or wrong, I was questioning myself. Nah, it was in your eyes. So there's no gaslighting. Go back in the tape, look back in the tape. It was in her eyes. She was looking at us.

Precedent. This actually, this is gonna be really good for that. The tapes. Oh no, it's recorded anyway. Tapes. An earlier event or action that is regarded as an example or a guide to be considered in subsequent similar circumstances.

We've all learned something new. Yeah, I didn't take any of that in. That was too much for me, I'll be honest with you. No, maybe that. Just thinking about cheese, weirdly. Yeah, and the, why? It's a kind of cheese, isn't it? President cheese?

Oh God. I don't know. I can't be on Google any longer. I can't Google anything else. This is a podcast. I need to know. President cheese. I don't even like cheese.

Is it a cheese? I'm hoping we're in another town. Is it a sort of cheese? Wait, man! I'm so happy. I've Wait man! I'm so happy. I'm so happy to be back. I'm so happy to be back. Oh God. Oh I pressed the wrong button.

Oh President. Oh I think it's a brand of cheese. Yeah there you go. It's in a little, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah there it is. Blue and white packaging with a bit of gold on it. Yeah, posh I think, yeah. Yeah. I do know things. President. Should we, do you wanna do your sponsor?

Spell it differently again. I don't know if I can be asked now. I, yeah. But to go back, to go back on what you've just said, you said it has to set a precedent. It probably won't, it's probably not that good. But you know, none of them are. None of me sponsor, are you having more cough syrup?

It is, you can have, it's you can have two times, two five mil spoons four times a day. So I'm just gonna have them all in this hour that we're doing this. That's not right. Chris, I can barely, like, do you know, you know when you need to sneeze? And it's like, takes over your whole thinking.

I just constantly need to cough at the minute. I think it's all in your brain because the big loud breath that you take before your cough is too much preparation for something that's taking you by surprise, in my opinion. But that's just my honest opinion. I disagree. And how do you know you're having exactly five mil there as you swig it from the bottle? I don't, babe. I feel like there should be a brown paper background that bottle and you should be sitting on the streets of Chicago during fucking prohibition.

What was the pro? There was a program, there was a drama years ago with Thora Heard, brilliant actress, and she was addicted to cough syrup. What was it called? Oh fuck, that's going to be heaven. Are you trying to ring me Nana? No. She will know. We haven't even got past the introduction and you're trying to ring your Nana and ask her about cough syrup. But she will know because it was a really good drama. You won't have seen it. It was way too good. Sorry, it was a drama all about a woman being addicted to cough syrup. And it was a really good drama. Are you fucking ill?

I'm not gonna disturb my nana. Let me just ring my mam. A drama about a woman who was a similar time on it. It was on ITV or something. She was addicted to cough syrup. And she had it like hung up. I think she murdered someone. I don't know. I am gonna go out on of limb here and say that that wasn't the main... You know, we've got Google.

I won't remember what it is. Hi, mom. This is just really really quickly. We're just doing the podcast. Do you...what was that drama called where Thor I heard was addicted to cough syrup? Oh, gosh! Jesus! I can't even write, you know, I'm like, for remembering programs. There's something to do with her son, wasn't there? Yeah.

He might have a son in it. Did she kill someone? What? Did she kill someone? Err, I can't remember. Oh, man! She went to be strange and she started... And she had the cough medicine like upside down and she was getting the last spoonful in.

Out. She used to squirt the wash liquid around all the holes. Yes. Stuff getting in here. Oh man, it was good. I can't remember what it was called. Oh yes, Google it. Okay, I will. That's what Chris said. Alright then, okay.

Alright, love you. Bye! Just Google Thor I heard and cough syrup. Yeah, I'm busy doing it. I'm busy doing it too. Yeah. Because I need to know now. Fuck me. Oh God. Oh, Lost For Words. Must be. It's a TV movie, Lost For Words. Pete Possilthwaite was in it.

Yes. Yes, Pete Possilthwaite was in it. Lost For Words. Because she was always coughing. Must have been. Oh, it's good though. Oh, I'll watch that again. It's got eight stars on IMDB. Yeah, it's good though. Well, watch that again. It's got eight stars on IMDB. Yeah, it's brilliant, it's brilliant. Right, okay, I'm gonna put that in my list.

Synopsis, Derek Longin and his wife, Eileen, come to terms with the fact that his mother, Annie, is getting too old to live on her own. Yeah. Annie suffers her first stroke and a nursing home is the obvious solution. But which one and where? Sponsored by Cavonia.

Cavonia! Literally, nothing in that about being addicted to cough syrup. Well it was just a small part of the thing but come on let's go. What's your sponsor? We've wasted enough time. Cough syrup? Cough syrup's my sponsor. I can't even be asked. Come on. Nah, you've put us off. No, this week's sponsor, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is... Snow. Snow? You want it, you get it, you hate it.

Snow. The world shuts down. Snow. It's winter's paddling pool. Oh. Fucking dog shit. Took the Benz Sledge in the other day, didn't I? Wraith, liked it for 15 minutes, cried for 45 minutes.

Yeah, I knew he would. Unbearable. I knew he would. I carried him back to the car, he cried the entire way. The entire way. And we went to Sledgion, by the time you go down, you're walking back up the hill is something that isn't mentioned enough in Sledgion. Sledgion is, I feel, it was the first kind of Instagram moment

bullshit before Instagram was a thing. Sledgion's great, it's great. It's not, it's not. And kids hate it. I've never heard of it. You go down the hill, all thegings, great. It's not. It's not. And kids hate it. I've never heard of it. And you go down the hill, all the fucking snow smashes you in the face. You go down the hill, you got to walk back up the hill. And then I carried him back to the car for a good half an hour walk. He cried the entire time in me ear. He's heavy as fuck. At one

point we walked past this, it was like a big air, like a big conifer covered in snow. And he was screaming me so much. I thought, I'm just going to fucking launch you into this conifer here. I mean- I didn't, but a little part of his you know the little bit your brain when you're on something high that goes jump that said it's the launchment of this conifer. I hate being cold. Everyone's on about skiing. Are you never going skiing? No absolutely not. Never going skiing. Not a holiday. Not a fucking holiday. Too dangerous, freezing. You just get soaking wet. What you all keep forgetting when you're

frolicking around with the snow thinking snow is amazing, it's just hard rain. Yeah, yeah, it's just water. You come in fucking soaking. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. I'm not a fan. I like it as long as I can sit in front of a radiator immediately after being out in it. Yeah, it's just...

Do you remember putting your socks on the radiators at school? Remember that? What, all barefooted at school? Yeah. Ugh! did you never do that no where do you go to school Japan no no we if you've got if your feet got ice walk to school and if you feet got really like wet and cold and soggy the teacher would like we put them on the school was a lawless waste it was

bloody everyone get their socks on the radiator the rooms fucking freezing and it stinks of kids cheesy feet but get your socks. Go on, what? Get your pods and your kickers off and turn them upside down on the radiator everyone. I think you'll find I never had pods or kickers. Careful but you were cheese toasty on the radiator as well. It was in primary. Disgusting. What a fucking lawless wasteland your school was. Nineties. Disgusting. A bloody great school. Honestly, everyone addicted to cough syrup. Awful. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle But do you know what? They are canny. I love them a bit. That's what irritates me the most.

Yeah, same. What irritates me the most is how hard work children are and how much I want to time off for them. And then when I'm not with them, I'm really sad. And I love them so much I would die for them. But if I had me, I've said it before, if I had me to act like that. I remember we had Martin and Shirley Kemp

on the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show. I said, oh, you've got such a lovely family dynamic. I was like, what's your secret? And he was like, oh, just treat your kids like your mate. If I had fucking mates who went on like that, I'd block them and I'd never see them again, ever. But I would die for them kids. And that's the most, it's how they get you.

It's how they get you. It is. And this next section, by the way, I've got a second sponsor. This next section is sponsored by the sounds that we hear when our nine-year-old is playing on Fortnite in the other room. So just keep talking.

I know. That's a new, that's end of a life. It is, but don't worry about it. It's the sponsor, I was just gonna run in the background while we're chatting. All right, okay. I just wanted to say- Revive me! Tom!

Tom, revivers! Revivers, quick, quick, Tom! Tom! Tom! What are you saying love, sorry? What are you saying sweetheart, sorry about that. I was just going to say Thank you for this Christmas present you bought It's a hot water bottle that you can wrap around your body

Just got a wearable hot water bottle on I love it so much I literally, I had to fasten it up just before we started It was actually quite pathetic, but actually quite lovely. You literally said, can you fasten me hot water bottle in? And I had to come around you and just fastened it. It's a lot healthier than having a scorching hot radiator between me thighs. Yes, you know, I might have damaged a bit of my vulva, if I'm honest with you.

Wow. Just off burning it. Ready up! Ready up, Lewis! Lewis. Ready up! Ready up, Lewis! Lewis, ready up! Ready up, Lewis! Right, what are we saying, sorry love? What does it even mean? I don't know, I don't know what's going on about all these things.

I don't know what's happening. Well, because what's happened is they've started now, they've added something to it, they've FaceTimed each other while they're playing it. And I just feel like, why is this happening? It's a lot. It's banned during the week, which is painful. Accept! Accept my request! Come in the lobby! Come in the lobby! Come in, come in the lobby! Sorry, I love what you're saying.

Yeah, I hear when I walk in the room he's like, my mom's here, my mom's here! I'm like, what the fuck's going on? He's at nine. He gets like, because the fuck's going on? He's a nine. He gets like, because obviously we don't. He still says love you though, which I think is very sweet. While he's on the FaceTime too. Yeah, which is that's that'll not last for long. But it's basically the only reason Fortnite, just to really bore you here, but a lot of what I go to jitter with is he works on Fortnite. He said the only reason it's 13 plus, it's not because of violence or anything like that, it's because in America to be recognized as an individual legally online, you have to be 13 plus. That's why it's 13 plus, nothing to because of violence or anything like that it's because in America to be recognized as an individual legally online you have to be 13 plus that's why it's 13 plus nothing to do with the content of the game that's why i made the decision to let him actually go on it because

when they get shot they're just like turning into a hologram and that it's still guns but he's seen you know christ he's been playing armies since he was three you know what i mean he's had nerf guns and that um but we don't let them go on the chat just in case random has chats so there's no chat on the playstation with the randoms on the game. So they set up a little FaceTime lobby, don't they? It's very cute. It is very cute. I took him his fourth or fifth snack of the day the other day and I felt seen because one of his friends just went, I just heard him, I put the, I went, there you go, son. I just heard his mate go, what are you eating now? I was like, thank you, mate. What is he eating now? Greedy little fuck.

I haven't sat down. Oh, but we love them, but we love them. I feel like a human version of the, you know, the conveyor belt at your sushi. Oh yeah. I feel like I've just been that for a fortnight. Just carrying drinks and food around the house. Yeah. Oh, just nonstop.

Too much, I know. Yes, yes! Victory Royale! Come on, boys! Get in! Sorry, love, what was it? It's time for What's Your Beef? So first of all, before we go ahead, we've had to do sync claps for the camera. You've got to do a clap so that the audio and the visual links up.

And I've hurt my hand. Can you see my little hand? So I've got a little hole. So it's in a really awkward place. Basically yesterday I dropped a box that had Mario toys in it for Rhea's birthday. And I went to pick it up and as I went to like, I sort of followed it down and it landed corner ways

and it was the plastic see-through corner of a box and I went to grab it and it literally just went through my hand, I was walking around Smith's Toys and my hand was just pissing of blood. Oh no. What's really weird is I can't wash my face with this hand. Why? Because I've got a beard.

So I can wash. The hair goes in the beard. I can wash down over, but if you wash upwards, the hairs spike into the little hole. So I washed my face this morning. Yeah. Like a serial killer. So do you know how, so how do you wash upwards, the hair's spiking in the little hole. So I washed my face this morning like a serial killer. So do you know how, so how do you wash your face? Like this. Two hands and you do one side versus one side.

Yeah? Maybe I, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right hand does right hand side, left hand does left hand side. This morning in the shower, I swear to God, I washed my face like this. With one, oh no, he's doing one hand on top of the other. Right handed forehead. Oh, okay.

Right handed forehead, nose and cheeks. Oh, was it weird? Horrible, I hate it every second of it. And left handed beard and neck and chin. Oh no. So, like that, like top and bottom. It was awful. I've got something to tell you. So I've got like this little freckle thing on my chin. Mm-hmm. I always think it's a spot, but it's not.

I get like one really kind of like wiry hair out of it. Ah! No, I do. On Scott. Yeah, sorry. But as I get older, I'm not going to be able to see as well. Will you keep an eye on it for us? When will this be?

Like 10 years time, 20 years time. I'm not going to be dead by then, don't worry about that. It's fine. You're not going to be dead. You're not going to be dead. Why? Six feet under. Do you honestly think you're going to be dead? Probably. I don't know. I can't see the future. The future is clouded.

So I feel like I might not be there. I can't remember if you were talking the other day about when we have grandkids and stuff and I said when you imagine all that, am I there? And you said, yes. Why? And I said, because I assume I'm not gonna be there. I assume I'm gonna die. Oh, that was really sad.

Hey, I suppose when you said I was there, I was like, oh, am I there? And all this imagining. I think you are. Well, don't put that on it. No, but you are, obviously. I'm not grand, I'm not child on my own. You're there, but it's-

Is it not just you on your own? Is it not just you on your own and loads of grandkids just taking turns to swing off your massive hair on your face? Really? Yeah. Well. Nana!

The thing is though, I'll not be called Nana. I'm a mama. Mama, yeah, sorry, mama, mama. The thing is that it's just an imagination. It's not like real. So yeah, you are there. But in reality. You keep manifesting that.

You might not be there. You keep manifesting that. Okay, beast. Okay, so I'll have to, I've got that to look forward to in me Twilight years. Probably get a dog and pluck your hairs. Yeah. Happy days, right.

And I'll look after your nose hair and stuff and your hair. I'm already on top of that. Yeah, no, but when men get older, it's sometimes, oh Jesus, horrible. Yeah, it's bad. I'll look after that, and blackheads and stuff. Yeah, you're genuinely looking forward to me getting blackheads and my old saggy skin, aren't you?

Can't wait. Fantastic. Okay, ladies first, what's your beef? Okay, so my beef with you, it's kind of, I brought it on myself, right? Right. But, you have got a new little hobby, painting your little war hammers, yes, haven't you? Your little characters.

Very steady hand, if I may add. Yeah, I put a very lighthearted video, tongue in cheek, on Instagram, because we have that kind of relationship. You know, you take the piss out of me, I take the piss out of you. Have you angered the Warhammer Clans? Oh!

Oh, Chris! So I haven't actually told you about this. I have been getting seriously trolled by Warhammer men and women. Get in. No, not get in. It's awful. Good. Everyone attack. Quick, Roller 6. No, I just, I think the internet's very strange and obviously I've just come up on someone's For you page or whatever, the reels. And they have no idea of our actual relationship. So I think the thing- So it's just you bullying a man who's doing what? I'm not getting it.

The thing that I'm just horrible. Is this why I don't put anything on the internet? I can't be asked. I'm gonna read a few out for you. Yeah. Less talking, more cooking. That was one of them. I'm not touching that with a fucking barge pole.

And then they've said, Publicly judging and shaming your other half on the internet for expressing his creative side. King deserves better. This is you. Don't side with these people. He? This one says he just loves your presence so much he wants to be near you. Oh, this one.

Can I get all of these people, contact me, I need you on some kind of retainer to come up with excuses when I'm in the shit, because that's beautiful that, it just needs to be, that's fucking, oh god. This one was a bit more cutting. It says that her obese voice is bothersome. You wanna fuck me in a coffin mate? What's this? God forbid a man have a hobby that isn't football. Yeah. It's just relentless. Fantastic. Why can't women just let men be happy and do their weird little hobbies?

Just be glad he's not dicking down your sister behind your back because she thought these painted minis looked cool. Fucking hell. That's too much detail. There's too much detail there. Chris? That's someone. That's happened.

It's just a bit. They hurt these people. Someone's hurt them. It's just a bit, they hurt these people, someone's hurt them, somebody's really hurt them. Read this one again. Why can't women just let men be happy and do their weird little hobbies? Just be glad he's not dicking down your sister behind your back because she thought

his painted minis looked cool. Well that sounds weirdly, she's come on both sides there, or is that a man? They're all men, none of these are from women. They are all from men. And I've looked at their profiles. Yeah. Are they good at painting warhammer though?

They've got some good images. Yeah, lots of good images of war. Space Marines, are they doing space Marines? Not many pictures of their face if I'm honest with you. This one, this one was probably the most upsetting actually. Women can't stand to see a man happy in his home using the things he paid for. Oh!

Oh! Oh! And that is BS, because Santa brought them. Santa did bring them in the form of me. I went to the Warhammer shop and I bought them for you. And can you remember the paper that you wrapped them in? No, I forgot to wrap them. You forgot to wrap them.

Robin had to go and get them at the utility room on Christmas morning. All right, sorry. Unwrapped. They were not top of my list. Anyway, someone said here, red flag, lever mate, red flag run. So. Lever, red flag.

Lever, red flag. Guys, I appreciate that. Our only problem I see here is her. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Just. Guys, listen. Honestly. I wish we could all be best friends, but we can't. But Kings, I appreciate you and I see you and I feel seen.

Don't even. It's actually quite sad because I feel like they'll have just... That's why I don't put stuff online. Because I don't like the fact that my stuff, this podcast, I mean these clips are annoying because they'll go out to fucking God knows who, but this podcast, you have to be in the gang to listen to it or get it. And it's like. To get the way that we talk to each other. Like I genuinely don't care.

Like I think it's. You got me then. You can do whatever, I bought them for you. You got them. Do whatever you want. It was a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know so that's been that's been fun that's been nice just so good no I've got some

allies out there yeah yeah they'll take in they'll take in and they'll they'll cut off your face and wear it around the house I bet that house will smell like fucking real ale I bet that house will smell like real ale and dog yeah good luck have a lovely day what's your beef with me anyway? My beef with you is and it's happened before and it's back and I'm sick of it. Is it because I'm not well? It's part of you not being well. It's fine. Don't pet lip me. Stop it. I can't help it. Where's your pet lip when you're slagging us off for doing Warhammer? Oh my God. It was a joke. Oh my God. Well, randomers on the internet don't think it, so they must be right. Well, good. Fuck them. Your Back to the Future 3 spit bucket is back.

And I hate it. And I wish you wouldn't do it. And I can't... I haven't brought it yet and I'm devastated about it. I walked in our bedroom this morning and I walked to the en-suite past your side of the bed. And there was a coffee cup past your side of the bed and your there was a coffee cup on the side of the bed and it fucking looked like someone had been whisking egg whites in it. It was disgusting and it needs to stop. Get up. Raph be sending it this morning. I don't know what she's saying.

Get up. He'll end up where I put the light. When you cough and you get some phlegm on your throat, get up and go and spit it in the toilet. Stop spitting it in a cup next to you. Do you know how many times I would have had to get up? That cup was half full. You're speaking. I saw it. I coughed and spat up at least 50 times last night. I'm not getting out of bed every night. All right then. If you had the shits, would you wear a napkin or would you get up and

go to the toilet? That's totally different. It's not totally out of bed every- no? Yes. Alright then. If you had the shits would you wear a nappy or would you get up and go to the toilet? That's totally different. It's not totally different. It's exactly the same. Spit is more acceptable than feces. Not fucking- sorry, no one asked me about this. No. Next time you've got the shits you have to wear a nappy. Chris, you should have seen this. Next time you've got the shits you have to wear a nappy and just shit- just sit and just

shit yourself. Erm, you and I both know that I would love that. You would love that. You would love that. Oh stop it though. At least get rid of it. Get rid of it the minute you get up because it was there. You were downstairs. You were getting ready in the other room and it was still late. No it was.

It was. It was. I felt like Marty McFly was gonna come in and do a dance and kick it on Biff Tannen. Disgusting. It was really awful. It was horrible. It's been really hard. Again, again, looked like whisked egg whites. Yeah, yeah, it's phlegm.

Baa. It's phlegm. Vile. Phlegm. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public. Quisqy biblik biblik biblik biblik biblik biblik biblik. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! It's time for questions from the public! Questions from the public! Bababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababab And you know that cats are slags. I don't, what, how are cats slags? Cats are slags because a cat, a litter of kittens that a female cat has can have multiple

fathers in one litter. Shut up. Why are you saying this today? Because it's national cat slag day. I don't know, because I saw it. It was in me phone. I'd written it down. Why why because the world works in mysterious ways you had sex with the cat last night and I watched on somebody's Instagram today

and some kittens being born right how weird how we had synchronicity so them so me point being it's finally gonna all be okay if your cat has getting better if your cat has nine kittens, it could have nine different fathers. There could be nine different fathers in one litter. The sperm just must impregnate. Big old back laying cat OG. And you, cat owners, you let them come and lie in your bed

and sit on your knee and you stroke them and they have been dicked down the doors and back. All over. We had to turn off Frozen Planet the other night, didn't we, because the polar bears were shagging. Polar bears started absolutely getting it all. Yeah, and then as soon as they're done, they just both left each other.

That's the way. Beautiful. None of this, none of the fucking, none of this. Just one, but they do have to live in snow, which is just wet, just hard, hard wet rain. Rubbish. Yeah, horrible. Might as well live in snow. Yeah. Hi Rosie and Chris.

Just a quick one, my favourite. In centre parks, me and my husband decided to introduce our 14 year old daughter to the film Face Off. What? Do you remember the film Face Off? Yes. Brilliant film. Absolutely.

Why are you seeing it like that? A couple of things. It's not an 18 is it? I think it is an 18. Are you sure? Well, I definitely watched it when I was younger. So my first thing was like, oh my God, 14? Well, I definitely watched it when I was younger. So my first thing was like, oh my God, 14, but I must have watched that when I was 12.

Yeah. Great film. Just, there's loads to do. I'm not slacking off the film, but there's loads to do at Centre Park. But I'm guessing it must have been just on a night out. It's just weird. It's just like, there's just so many activities. What did you do at Centre Park?

I watched Face Off. Did you not do the tree Parks? Watched Face Off. Did you not do the tree thing? No. Archery? No. Swimming. What? Faces off.

John Travolta, cage, Face Off. Was the swimming pool closed? No, fully open, fully open. What was in your shelly? Hot tub, pool table, the lot. What did you do? Face Off, just watched Face Off. No, go on a bike ride.

Seems really weird, yeah. Rent a bike? Nah, just watch face off. It is good Phil. Watch face off, went home. I wonder what the watch was sitting on. How long you had set the parks? 90 minutes. Face off to back in the car! Okay carry on though. I get it. They'd done a day and they were sitting down chilling. You know what it is? It might have been, sometimes you get a DVD player in a shadow, so it might have been there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What? Sorry. Do you know? I don't watch the telly anymore. One of these people do. Oh, sorry. I'm not allowed to see the piss off stuff anymore on the comedy podcast. Oh, great. I hope that a lovely Come by, my lord, come by. Face Off is the, that film owns the most unnecessary front some assault on earth. Is in that film. It was one of my favorite films growing up.

It's at the end where it goes somewhere. It's like for some reason. The church. Yeah, it's a church at the end and he's shooting someone and he literally takes a couple of steps forward. I think it's Nicholas Cage's car and he just he's as he's shooting the guy he then just does a front flip onto his back and just keeps shooting and he goes that's that. It's just great. So they're watching it with 14. We sold it as an

amazing 90s film clearly it must have been on glue back in the 90s because it's so shit. It probably is. If you watch it again it probably is. Anyway, the way John Travolta runs his hands down the face of all his loved ones. Ick. That's where this was going. That's the ick. Yeah he does that, yeah the whole face thing. Also it's now how we all greet each other as a family, which I quite love. Hiya. We couldn't do that because Raph's got his fucking, he's had his hands in your spit bucket. I washed, I washed his hands. And he didn't fully, it was just on the rim. Where, where like, so like I spit it in like this and I sort of quote.

I've not seen you do it. You spit it in and then you sort of rub it off your bottom lid. Yeah, it's disgusting. It's horrible. Stop spitting in a cup. I've just realized as well, and I don't know why they've never, I don't know why they've never facilitated this.

Well, actually I do know, as I've just said it. In Face Off, they're on a, you've seen the prison that they're on, that's on an oil rig, and they've all got big metal boots on. These huge metal boots. Oh, yes, when they're stuck to the floor. Yeah, they're like, lockdown!

And the lockdown happens and they all just get frozen on the spot. Amazing idea until you think of the fact that when they weren't locked down, all they'll be doing is stamping on people's heads. Oh yeah? Yeah. So I was like, prison should do that, or no, you're basically just giving them, they'll just stamp on each other's heads.

They were like trolleys, weren't they? Like when you can't steal a trolley. Yeah where the wheels locked outside, as they were exactly, yeah. They were, they were exactly like that. I've got an ick for you actually. Oh. That I thought of just the other day. Okay. And I don't know if I've done it before, but I, I was icked out by a bloke, even though I don't, I didn't fancy the bloke.

I didn't think, oh, he's a good looking fella. Thou doth protest too much. No, sometimes I'll go, he's a good looking fella, or he's cool. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't that, it wasn't, I already wasn't bothered by him at all but I thought, if I was a woman and I saw this, this would eat me out. He got stuck on the slide. What slide?

At the swimming pool. Eww, why? How? He just got stuck. He'd never been before so he was just in really baggy swimming shorts and he was just sitting up and he just, at Haven Point, the yellow slide at our local swimming pool, if you're not doing shoulders and heels, you're having a shit time. You've got a line in your back, you gotta do shoulders and heels

and whip down that thing. Or a wedgie, you can do a wedgie as a woman. Or a wedgie, yeah. But he basically was just sitting and I was like waiting, I was looking waiting for the green man and I looked and I could just see his head like over the thing and he was like looking back,

just like, he'd never been, he was on the slide on his own, no kid. Just looking good and I was like, oh, sweaty. So, he'd never been, he was on the slide on his own, no kid. Just looking gutted and I was like, oh, sweaty. So he's just doing that thing where he's sitting and he's using his hands as like oars and just whipping himself down the slide and I was like, oh, that's an ick, that is an ick. That is an ick.

That would be a better, yeah, sadly, it'd be a better. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, I think this is my fourth email. Oh! Getting increasingly bitter that none of them have made the podcast. Oh well you finally, hey! Yay, well done.

Welcome, welcome. And I will go back, sometimes you know, I go back, if they've sent them in and that's half decent, I'll go back and see what the other ones are. Half decent. So you know, there's a lot there to get through. And thank you again everyone who sends stuff in. We don't take it for granted, it's awesome.

Oh never, and keep sending them in. Yeah, please do. There's still plenty more to go. My girlfriend has also emailed a few times and if hers gets read out first then she will be unbelievably smug so I'm going to keep trying. Sorry. This is a story from when I went to visit my ex-girlfriend's family home. Brilliant. We were together at uni and had probably been dating around a year. Okay. It was the first time I'd met her parents so I wanted to make a good impression. When I got there they asked if I wanted a sandwich or something after my train journey. I was starving so jumped at the opportunity of a sandwich.

She asked me if I wanted butter and I explained that I was lactose intolerant so she suggested mayo instead. Fine with me. What? Okay. Mayo's alright I think if you lactose. I with me. What? Okay. Meal's alright I think if you like toast. I think so. It's eggs in it. Eggs and oil. Uh huh. Uh huh.

The snack did its job and we continued with our day. A few hours later I felt my stomach turn. I spent the next 45 minutes shitting my insides out in their downstairs toilet with an earshot of the lounge in which they were all sat with no TV or music on. Part of the reason I'm reading this out here is because I feel like this is something that my mom would do to him. Right, okay. Okay. But I just, I love the idea that they're just sitting there, no music, no telly, total silence, face off, paused, ready to go, while he just shits his back in bed. Yeah, it's my worst nightmare. My absolute worst nightmare.

When people can hear you in the toilet, it's horrible. When I came out of the bathroom, my ex's mum asked me if it could have been something from the lunch. It was at this point that she looked at the jar of meal and discovered that it was more than a year out of date. Oh! Safe to say, I spent the next couple of hours sporadically serenading my ex and her parents with the splashing sounds of my ferocious shits.

Awful. Once I was empty, I emerged from the bathroom and sat on the sofa. Once I was empty. Horrible. Is a horrible sentence. You don't poo in the downstairs toilet of people's houses. Isn't this a rule? I can't think of a more absolutely excruciating moment

than having to go to someone's house for the first time and having to have the shit. Yeah, but you wouldn't. Having to shit at someone's house for the first time, of a romantic interest's parents' house for the first time. Horrible. I would never recover from that. Horrible. I would never recover. I just don't feel like you would do it downstairs,

so I feel like you would go upstairs. Wouldn't you? There's always a bathroom upstairs. Maybe, maybe it was court-short. Maybe it was court-short. Horrible. It might just be one of the ones where all you would go upstairs. Wouldn't you? There's always a bathroom upstairs. Maybe it was called short, maybe it was called short. Horrible. It might just be one of the ones where all you've got upstairs is an en suite, so then basically you're just shitting in their bedroom.

Oh God, it's even worse. I emerged from the bathroom and sat on the sofa next to my ex and her two parents who just sat looking at me. Wouldn't be letting them sit on the sofa. Absolutely would not be letting them sit on the sofa. I'd put a carrier bag down. So if this was us, I feel like I would have just put the telly on. I'll put some music on.

Oh, the telly would be blasting. Yeah, you can't just be listening. And I would be talking. I'd literally be like, yeah, so has anyone seen the news? What's happening here? Hey, hey, Newcastle are doing well, aren't they? Yeah, anything, anything. They could clearly see that I was embarrassed.

So her mum tried to cheer me up with an embarrassing story about my ex. It was something along the lines of when her mum was wiping her ex's ass when she was poorly, my ex shat down her arm. They did not make me feel any better. My ex then piped up about the fact that she missed her school photo

because of that time being ill. I asked when this happened and my ex said, year eight. I was surprised that her mum was wiping her ass when she was in year eight but assumed that this was because she must have been very ill. No. Turns out that my ex's mum wiped her ass for her until she was about 13. She told me that she used to haul her shits in at school just so her mum could wipe her ass when she got home. What the fuck? How the other half, how the other half live.

And mom wiped her ass until she was 13. That's, I mean, she must have been really bad at it. She must have been bad at it. I mean, she must have been really bad at it. She must have been bad at it. Like, again, I just have to say, paper, wipe your ass with paper. I feel like it's a very prehistoric thing. I feel like we shouldn't do it.

I feel like countries where they've got the little, the sprayer and that, unreal, all about that. I agree. B-day's all about that. We need a B-day. I told my current girlfriend this into my horror. She said that she remembers one of her mates shouting for his mum to wipe his ass

when he was in about year six. Please can you two give your thoughts on this? We've stopped where the oldest, we don't wipe his bum anymore. Even though I think you would absolutely, you would wipe our kid's ass till they were 13. You would. You really hate the thought of shit being anywhere.

So this is the thing, yeah. Oh God. Yeah. Gotta just let them live that skinny life. I saw a video on Instagram of a guy doing a backflip and his pants came down a bit and he had shit skin marks on his pants. Really upset us.

I think I see that. It really set me, he's got weights in his hands and he did a backflip and he's like, let's go. Big old shit stain on his kegs. I think it's probably there on purpose. I think it's a- Do you think? Yeah, so I think I've talked about before.

I think I've talked about before, there was a video where they were showing this suitcase and it was a suitcase that could pack loads of stuff and then you vacuum packed it. And they're just, there's a really, really short, slight clip, like almost two frames long of them just putting a bud plug in it. And all the comments are like,

oh my God, it's viral. Just to go viral. But yeah. I think I've seen that and I genuinely do think it is shit. Yeah I mean that's the thing though like oh I want loads of people to watch how good I am at backflips but to make them watch how good I am at backflips I'm gonna make it look like I've shat my pants. Dude no wonder.

The internet's crazy innit? It's crazy innit? The internet is fucking horrible Chris. Awful. I want them watching me do what I have to do something else. What shit yourself while doing a backflip? Done. Super stardom.

TikTok is insane. I've never been on it and I never will be on it. I've got mates who send us links to TikTok videos. I just don't want them. Not for me. I watched a guy yesterday on TikTok, admitting to killing a 65 year old man. He's 19 year old, he's mom. His mom and dad killing a 65 year old man. He's 19 year old, his mom, his mom and dad

found this 65 year old man's head and hands in his bedroom. I'm not having it. And it's the police body cam, it's the police body cam footage and he's 19 year old and he comes over and he's like, what's the matter, what's going on? And then they're like, we think you know what's happened. We found these things and he goes,

and they go, who is it and what has got it? And he goes, yes, it was me, I killed him. And his whole voice totally changes, and it's just. You know when you're just sitting there thinking, why am I watching? It's not bollocks? It'll be a student film or something. It's not bollocks, Chris?

Did you cross-reference it? Did you Google the news story? Did you find an official website? Do you want me to? Should I do it now? It's not, it's body cam from police. It's insane. Police It's not it's body cam from police. It's insane. Please stop. It's body cam from police.com. What's real for what's real video body cam evil man voice change killer.com. I've seen it. Maybe my algorithm has shown us these things because I

keep going on them all the time. I'm not having I'm not having it. I won't have it. What won't you have? Numerous things. Why am I? And we've got I know people who are like, oh, let me kids go on TikTok. It's just people dancing. People chop people's heads off. Get off. Oh, yeah. Terrendous. It's horrendous.

Do not if you've got bands younger than like, I don't know, 14, 15. I wouldn't let them on TikTok. And I'm really not looking forward to that battle that I'm gonna have to have soon, but honestly, the stuff that is on there is legit insane. Jesus. Yeah, good times. Where were the head and hands in his room?

I think they were under his bed. Oh for fuck's sake, I mean teenagers' rooms stink, but come on, a man's head and hands were in a bag what were they wrapped in? Something stupid, football jersey or a fucking... I don't know, I didn't say that. His mum just found them. I think they were in a suitcase. Oh god almighty. You want to see it don't you? Should I find it for you? It's a suitcase, got a butt plug in as well. Is it a vacuum pack suitcase? No. It's an advert for the suitcase. You have been done. It's an advert for the same suitcase. It's the wrong video marketing

Babadoo babadoo babadoo back. Hi Rosie and Chris. Hope you both well. We are very good Rosie's got a bit of a cough that's due me tits in but other than that we're alright. I Hope you get this. I hope I do. I hope you get this. I hope you get this. I'm gonna turn the volume up to 11 Before each cough I'm gonna go And then I'm gonna whack a cough up to 11 before each cough I'm gonna go Wack a cough I was loud there is I just miss me miss bit too. It's disgusting. I haven't got one in here. Well, I thought at best not you want to get a big brass one so you Know I recently decided listen the podcast from the start again. Oh! And I've enjoyed reliving all the laughs.

I'm just listening to episode 218 and Chris is telling a story about how Rosie thought she had a bloated fanny after the BAFTAs. I don't remember this. I have forgot more stuff. It turned out she's just got a spanked thong on back at the front. Really? I think, well, I do remember. I remember my thong, I remember myanx breaking and then I was being prodded

by the wire in there. What are you Googling? I'm not fucking, this is honestly. I thought you were Googling, Rosie Ramsey bloated fanny in the bath test. No, no, the screensaver came on the computer. I don't know what the hell's going on. I don't remember this story.

I think I'd put them on back to front so they were just too like tight. And I do remember that the wire at the BAFTAs was literally digging into my ass. Do you not remember? I do remember something like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm never comfortable at them things.

Horrible, I'm never going to another one again as long as I live. I hate being dressed. I'm telling you right now, I could be nominated for best leading actor at the Oscars and I'm not going. Oh, I'll go for you. I will never go to one of them things again.

I fucking hate them. I hate them. I feel so uncomfortable when I'm going there. I feel like I should be like doing stuff and like I feel like you should be like videoing it and stuff that I don't want to look like I'm showing off. And then you feel like you should be talking to people but then I wake up the next day hungover

and go fucking hell, what the fuck did I say at a time like that? Awful. Yeah. Oh, I know. I totally get it. I hate it. But I just feel, I feel uncomfortable being really dressed. Yeah. It's just know. I totally get it. I hate it. But I just feel uncomfortable being really dressed. Yeah.

It's just not a comfortable time. I don't know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? I kind of watched Taran, I say his name wrong all the time, Taran Egerton. Yeah, yeah. I kind of watch Taran Egerton on anything now. Why? Because I just remember his face when he waved at us and I turned round and looked around

us and then went, what me? And he went, yes, I'm waving at you. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. I should beat these things. I just love his beautiful, don't I? I just want to get pissed and go home. We just like being in our own world. and he went, yes, I'm waving at you. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. I shouldn't be in these things.

I just want to get pissed and go home. We just like being in our little house. We, what was the last one we went to, the NTAs? We were back in the hotel eating room service before that. We watched the end of the NTAs on telly when we got home to the hotel. Oh, fuck that. I think we're just, I think we are,

that we're just at a really hard time of life. Yeah. I do honestly, there's sometimes, you know, I think of the stuff that I get offered in my career now, if I had been 25 doing this, I'd be on everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be on every TV show. I'd be, I would literally, I'd be living in London. I'd be doing it all, but I've got two kids and I'm married and I want to put my kids to bed every night. And you've got to save a lot of energy for your loud coughs. I'm always saving energy for my loud coughs.

It's just life, it's just really, this is the busiest and most stressful time that we are in right now. Because you've got young kids. Tom Hanks said it in an interview. Did he say life in your 30s is a burden? Stretching like I'm late 30s, Because you've got young kids. Tom Hanks said it in an interview. Your daddy said life in your 30s is a burden. Stretching like I'm late 30s, but you know what I mean. God, we are.

Late 30s. We're 40 next year. Stop doing this! We're not even 39 yet. We're 40 next year. We're not even 39 yet, stop it. We're 38, right? Anyway, back to this story.

Come on then. This reminded me of a story from when I was in labour. I needed to change my niggers as you do. Yeah. Okay. So, I asked my husband to get some disposable niggers from the bag and help me put them on. Disposable niggers? Like at a spa? Yeah, I think so.

Like a little throwaway ones. I think you do. I mean, okay, depending on your hygiene, all niggers are disposable if you want them to be. True. Do you remember wiping my bum in labour? Speaking of wiping bums, do you remember wiping my front bum? Yeah, yeah, it was hot. Yeah, I don't want to remember it. It was awful. You did it though. It was nice.

You were having me child. I would have done anything. It was intense though, wasn't it? Yeah, it was awful. Imagine having a baby with someone you don't know very well. Yeah. I just, I can't even imagine because it's very, very intense. Like, I just, I can't even, I can't even imagine, cause it's very, very intense. Oh, yeah. So, he obliged, he got a disposal minute, I guess.

And I was devastated because I bought large and they were really tight. I didn't think I'd put on that much weight. Later on, I went for a weight and I discovered he'd put my leg through the waist hole and a leg hole around my waist. It says, this is so random at the bottom, it says also Rosie, given how much you love a literary-ation, I do, how pissed off were you that Kate and Kevin both got K name and you didn't?

Why did that happen? That's not a literary-ation. Oh yeah because the KW. But why are they both got the same initials and I don't? Because you kind of have three kids KKK because it gives out the wrong message. Oh, and we are Catholic. Yeah. Doesn't have anything to do with that. No, they claim to be Christian, yeah, yeah.

My sister chose my name. Well, there you go then. I'm the only one without a middle name as well. Oh my God. I was, they don't give a fuck about me. Middle child syndrome. I haven't got a middle name as well. Oh my God. They don't give a fuck about me. Middle child syndrome. I haven't got a middle name. I'm not even the same.

I'm not even part of the family. Yeah, but again, your mom couldn't have. He has me three children, K, K and K. He has the pointy hats. What about the Kardashians? Well, they went, they had three, they went fuck and then had even more. Had even more.

K's all over the shop, it's crazy. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Just finished listening to episode 296 about the guy spotted walking on the road eating a battered fish. Awful, put him in prison. It reminded me of a strange old thing that happened in South Shields.

Oh! Our tune. Our hometown. It must have been about 20 years ago. I just moved up north and me and my friend had been down to the fair for a few hours. When walking back to the metro station, we spotted a group of teens with a big arse fresh fish in their hands. Right. They walked up to me and slapped it around my face. What a fish? Then ran away. No reason. I'd never seen these kids before and never seen them since. It makes me laugh every time I think about it. Good old South Shields.

So this used to happen, you know. Do you not remember this? Was this, does this pre-date happy slapping? I think so. Remember happy slapping? I remember happy slapping. Do you remember when the biggest worry in society was happy slapping?

Yeah. God, it was a fucking simple attack on it. Or did it just take us over a little more, I don't think adults worried about happy slapping. Nah. Kids, I think we worried about happy slapping. Careful when you go out, you might get happy slapped. You don't know what happy slapping is.

It was a time in the early 2000s. It was when camera phones first came out. Someone would film you and punch you. People would just come up and slap you or punch you. Yeah, kick you or something. I remember people hitting people with fishes. I remember being, I think it was like, not on the news as such, but just heard about it.

Maybe around here. Maybe local just maybe around here maybe local news That would make local news would it people slap each other fish? I'm all feel bad for when they took it home, and the dad was like you slapped someone with this fish taste Tastes facey taste weird Sorry, I've just coughed all the way through this episode, and I've ruined it and I ruined my sorry my day Now fun fact I've now got to go to me accountant's office to send the video clips off to London because our internet's not good enough. Yay!

Hope you're all having a lovely day. When we're getting fibre? Don't know, I got a text on Boxing Day saying we're getting fibre but I checked online and I don't think we've got fibre. It's mad, isn't it though? The amount of other shit that we can do in the world, like, just ridiculous. I've spent my whole life waiting for faster internet, my whole life.

My whole life. What do you mean? I never had it when I was a kid, but we lived at home, never had it, literally. All me mates had, first of all, I only had internet that was weekends and evenings. So in the holidays, all me mates had internet all the time where it was free constantly. So they could go on and they wanted MSN

during the day and stuff, MSN chat. Oh yeah, I never had it either. And sometimes I would go on night and I'd be like alright they're all like we're all at such and such's house we've been here all day and I'd be like eh? They'd be like oh yeah we're sorted out on MSN. And I'd be like oh I'll come round now oh we'll go now then they'll all go home. So I missed full afternoons of activity. Might not be, I mean they could have just rang us to be fair let's be honest here.

I mean there was definitely other forms of communication. Had a landline, had a landline, had a landline that wasn't engaged because I wasn't on the fucking internet, lads. Chris? Yeah? Low key. Yeah? Being bullied.

Fine. Being left out. And then all online gaming, they all played online gaming, I couldn't do it and then now I'm here in this house and I can't have fast internet now. And your internet still doesn't work. Can't send, yeah. Got to literally go to my accountant's office and plug in my laptop and send it. Very kind of them. Are they charging me for it?

I would imagine so. No, they're not. They're sold. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Do do do do do do do! Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid. Thank you very much indeed. As always, if there's anything you want to send in at all, please send it to shagmarinoid.gmail.com. Happy New Year and we're back in years next week. Bye!

Do do do do do do do!