SitcomD&D - *BONUS PATREON* A Slow Tuesday at Bottoms Up

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

A peak behind the curtain at what goes on at Bottoms Up when their isn’t a big adventure afoot...For more episodes like this, join our Patreon HERE and get access to over 100 hours of content for $5!Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We can't sing. Let's see. Um, Tuesdays we usually do a little jingle. You can say it, and it rhymes, but that's just gonna make us wanna sing more. I feel like you never wanted to sing before it was a law that we couldn't. Isn't that it? It's like yeah it's the Forbidden Fruit or something. I wonder what that is. But absolutely. Anybody else have any input? Wait, sup Jennifer you guys are up so early. I came down here for a glass of water.

What's going on? I came to watch the rain. Me too. I kinda, I sit down here, do a sudoku. Jennifer kinda just like, you know, scurries around. Such a busy little mouse. I'm not scurrying around! What the hell was that? Scurrying around?

Oh, this is what I get for saying that you're cute? Gosh, you know what? We've been hard on you lately, but maybe it's merited. Because you just, you just... I was trying to help you with the finances, not just scurrying around like a common... rat? Is this the vibe in the mornings? No, that's why it's so weird.

The rain. It's the pitter patter of rain. The sudoku. Is it a nine? Is it a one? Is it a five? Is it a one? Is it a five? Is it a three? Is it etc? I was thinking we could maybe get in the rain once everybody's awake and You guys can help me splash around. Puddles are terrifying to me, but with help it could be fun. I'm down. Okay, I guess I'm just up now then. Just as a fair warning, I'm sure you guys all heard it too.

Beef seemed to be up all night. I'm not sure with what I'm not sure with who I'm not sure if it was nightmares. Um, but there was a ruckus from beef's room, so he might be a little tired this morning just as a heads up. Okay. Do we know what you want some choffy? And Jennifer, what is choffy? It's coffee with chair in it.

Did you say chair? Yeah, I got some chair in it. I'll have some choffy. I'll have some choffy too. Wow, it is pretty cozy down here. I know you can hear the crackle of the fire. You know, no one's yelling over anyone, except for Jennifer and I, but you know. Yeah, it's just kinda, it's nice to kinda like

see the day set its table. Yeah, I don't even have to come, usually I don't have to come up with a metaphor before nine. So. Oh, it's okay, I'm not, no pressure for me, Seb. You don't have to have, you haven't had your choffy yet. So I get that things are moving slow. Do I just realize what's leaking in here?

There's no leaks. Does someone fix the leaks? I didn't fix the leaks. Did you? I didn't fix the leaks. Then I did. Oh, Jennifer. All right, we're gonna ask everyone else though. You know that, right?

Yeah. Uh-huh, but I stayed up all night fixing them. Huh. Okay, well we'll believe you until we don't. Until proven guilty. You know, I, you guys have probably noticed that I sleep in most days because Chip and I are usually up pretty late talking

And just talking. Yep. Yeah. Yep We'll get to it when we get to it and I'm so sorry that we usually hang out in your room But Chip's bed's more comfortable. It's okay, you know, he I don't think it's diagnosed apnea, but he snores super loud So when I'm out, I'm out. I kind of go to this dark void. I call it the Shadowland. And then I see you in there sometime, and I just hope that you can hear me. Makes sense.

Seb, usually what you say is so boring, but when you talk about the Shadowland, it's absolutely fascinating. Every time you dream, you see the same people in the same strange land. That's crazy. Yeah. And there's one person that's constant every single night, kind of follows me around like a shadow.

I call him Johnny Four Apples because he has four Adam's apples. But he says he's gonna tell me. Except you're staring out the window. How I die. What's up? Beef enters. What did he say to you? Beef enters wearing a shawl.

He beelines for a choffy and he starts heading back without saying a word. Okay, one hot choffy for Beef. Oh, and he's going. All right. What is going on with him? Is he going back to bed after Choffy? Dude must be so sleepy. Something's going on with Beef.

I'm saying, I'm calling it now. He's normally an oversharer. Anytime he's got anything going on, if his tummy has a little rumbling, if he has a little itch on his nose, we know about it immediately. And there's, I don't even have a guess what's going on with him. That shawl was lovely, that was new,

we didn't do a fashion show for that new shawl for us. Are we growing apart? I'm freaking out. You're totally right, jealous. I just gotta say though, happy he's into something. Just wanna see my guy excited about stuff. You know, that is a good silver lining. If he's passionate about something, I'm glad I'm happy.

But what if he's struggling with something? What if it's not him doing well? Maybe he's tinkering in the night with some big idea or invention. I'm worried about him. Chip walks down the stairs with the cup of choffy that Beef had and pours it back into the pot of choffy and then walks back upstairs.

What is going on today? Okay, they're doing something together, okay? What's going on, alright? This is not cool. Are they both mad at us? Chip didn't even look over at any of us. It's like he didn't even see us. Was he sleepwalking?

Are we sure they were doing that together or was it to prevent beef from having ch- I don't know It seemed like they were working together on something. That was the same mug, right? No, absolutely was the same mug because it said Chicken no, gimme the beef It's beef's mug. Yeah, you're right I mean, maybe we should just go through... I don't want to spook them. Yeah, but what have we done wrong that they're mad at us?

Because obviously they're upset with us. I think they're just up to something. I feel like one of us, maybe someone who's real small like, and can scurry around, can go check it out. Uh, Charles and Jennifer just stare at each other for a little while. Kind of blinking. Um, Jennifer, that's not a bad idea. Spying. Although is that sort of, is that, are we jumping to conclusions here? If we end up spying on them.

If your friends don't tell you what's going on, that is an invitation to find out for yourself. Good point. You know, I can't believe I would have missed all of this if I wasn't thirsty. I could be in bed right now. I wouldn't even know that everyone was awake to do their own thing. You could have been on their side. Are you on their side? No, I'm- the whole time I've been with you, I've been saying the same thing. Are you on their side? Seb, what are you doing? I'm backing away towards the door.

Okay. Maybe go get the paper. I'm getting the paper. I've gotten the paper. Oh my gosh! What? Oh, Jerry Griffin and his wife had, they had twins. There's an announcement. No, they did? Yeah, Rebecca and Rebecca. I don't know if that's front page-worthy. Well, kind of a slow news day.

The dam broke! Oh! Yeah, but they're trying to cover that up, Jennifer. I don't think that any of these corrupt newspapers are gonna cover that. Can't sweep that under the rug. That shit's big! A beef comes back out, and he walks up to the foe animal on the wall

that has a crown on it, and he takes the crown off and then he goes back up upstairs. What are you up to? What are you doing? Yeah, beef. Do you want to eat eggs? Scrambled eggs? Beef runs. You should have run and get the egg. Okay, if this... We do not want to answer our questions. Okay, Seb, your birthday was several months ago so it's not yours. Jennifer, don't know when your birthday is. Me either!

My birthday isn't close at all, so this is not a surprise party. Hmm. Okay, what else would they use a crown for? Maybe it's... maybe they're melting it down to... to make... to make armor? Are they gonna attack us? Like what? Yeah. Okay, which one of us gets to spy on them?

Should we draw straws? I would love to, but I don't want to steal it. I think it shouldn't be me, because just... This might be arrogant, but I think it must be them doing something for me. They both love me very, very much. I think that... They're probably mad at you. Yeah, that's true. No, no! You think they're mad at me? Oh my god. Yeah, for sure. If it's one of us three, for sure.

Wait, really? Yeah, we, Sepp and I, we kind of stick to our own stuff. We don't really get up in people's... I'm cool. I just go with the flow, all right? We cool, baby. I'm like the river. Slap it, slap it.

Yeah. Ooh, ahem, ahem, ahem. You see Chip at the top of the staircase. He throws his leg over the banister and rides it slowly down, approaches the faux animal on the wall, tries to snap off an antler, but it doesn't work, so he tries to snap off the other antler

and then removes the entire animal and brings it upstairs. What the fuck? Chip, why are you doing that? You're breaking stuff. He runs, he runs. Oh my God. Okay, Jennifer, go. Just go, Jennifer.

All right, I'm gonna follow him. Yeah. Jennifer go. Just go Jennifer. Alright I'm gonna follow him. Yeah. Um. Jennifer. She went down the banister so slow. What's going on with our banister? That was like, that was 25 minutes. And so sneaky.

Yeah we should grease that thing. I mean, we should grease a lot of things here alright. It's hard. It's hard to. Go up there to spy on them I'm trying Jennifer's jumping at the first there grabs it lifts herself up yeah we picked the wrong person I forget that Jennifer just doesn't go upstairs that often yeah her bedrooms down here then she climbs up to the banister part and slowly slides back down.

Jennifer, what are you... Jennifer. Jennifer. It looked fun. Sorry. Let's try it again. That looks like it. No, you need more.

Excuse me. Have a protein bar. You need more calories before you do this again. Okay. I'm going to turn into a bat and I'm going to go up there because you... Great idea. Yep, yep, yep. I'm a bat now. Oh, I'm so little. Alright, I'm going up there. God, it was awful. It's awful to watch him change. I'll never get used to it. Awfully attractive. Jennifer, I'm gonna make you some eggs. I'm gonna make... Bats are essentially flying rats. A rat that... Imagine if you had met an elf that could fly. You'd probably be turned on.

flying rats a rat take imagine if you had met an elf that could fly you'd probably be turned on oh you're horny for sub right now as bad honestly I'm kind of rooting for the two of you thank you I'm rooting for me and everybody I'm gonna make you a little bit of breakfast because you must be exhausted after your journey up the stairs. And you're gonna tell me if you think Chip is mad at me or beef or Chip or beef. Okay, can you make me some chegs? Cher eggs? Mm-hmm.

All right, snaps a chair in half. Crack some eggs, put it in a bowl, scramble, scramble, scramble, scramble, scramble. Let's see what Seb the bat is getting up to. OK, stop. Would you describe your journey? I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying. There's cobwebs. They're in my mouth.

They're in my mouth. I'm coughing, I'm coughing. I'm flying, I'm flying. The cobwebs are off. There's a little crack in Beef's door. And I go in, and I go to the ceiling, and I perch up on the ceiling, I look and I look down at Chip and Beef. Yes I'm the queen I'm the queen of this land a served lowly servant give me

give me my treat but of course I made your. Welcome to my fair home. I'm such a humble servant of yours. I can't believe you've made a present in my abode. I made it a point to make rounds around the village. To say hello. Please don't pick me as a sacrifice. I'm sorry to be so forward. You're going to have to be the sacrifice.

I'm so sorry dear. But what if I thought I made you the best shoes in the county? You thought wrong. They gave me bunions. And I never had bunions before. Okay. I will be the sacrifice. I apologize greatly.

Can I just... Can I say my farewells to my child? Yes, yes you can, but make haste cause your death is doomed. Okay. Hey Beef, you're going to be my child, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, quick. And Beef takes off the crown and the shawl. He picks up a stick.

But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but He picks up a stick. But Papa! Arnold! Papa! Is it you? I have been chosen! Tis me that is the sacrifice! No! No Papa! No, it's a noble duty!

I have been chosen by the one and only queen of our land. But Papa, who's gonna see me get older? Who's gonna see me grow? Arnold, you listen to me. Arnold, you listen good. I will watch you always. Where? I will always be watching you from above, from that tree, from that clock, from that chair.

You're everywhere. I'm everywhere everywhere and I'm right here and I poke him in the eye oh god damn it chip sorry I did I you were you were moving more than I thought you were gonna I didn't need to poke you right in the eye. No, it's okay. It's okay. Can I kiss it? Yeah, yeah, kiss it. Okay. Stop moving. Don't lick your lips. Stop moving. I- well, stop moving.

Okay, I'm trying to kiss your eye. I just kissed my eye. Stop- you're shaking. Are you nervous about a kiss from me? No, but just make sure you- I mean, yeah, maybe a little. I don't think you've ever kissed me before I Hmm. That's kind of surprising. We must have kissed before no, I don't think you've kissed me

Did we yeah right now just to get over with? Did you hear something? Oh, reet reet reet reet reet and I'm gonna fly out of the room I'm gonna fly out of the room. Oh, it's just a bath. You have bats in your room? Stinky bat. That is badass. Or badass, I should say. Bat-ass, yeah. Okay, back to you being Arnold. Okay. Buh-bye-bye!

My boy! All right, I'm gonna go back downstairs and I'm gonna be talking to Jennifer and Chalice. Jennifer wake up, Seb's back. Or a bath here. Honestly, I don't know if it would be better if they were having sex up there, but it would. What?

I don't know if it would be better. Oh my God. But they're having some sort of weird play and they're kissing eyes. Oh my God, Chip's cheating on me with beef and I can't even blame him. No, it's not cheating. Beef's the best. Oh my god.

I see that pairing makes way more sense to me. Chalice runs up the stairs, goes down the banister sobbing the whole way down and then runs back up the stairs, goes down the banister, sobbing the whole way down, and then runs back up the stairs to her room. Yeah, I mean, it's actually kind of compelling there at the end. The play or them maybe kissing? The play, the play, the play, the play. I mean, there's a lot of emotion, like Beef was playing the hell out of two characters with a king and a

Prince like it was kind of like super hamlet or something. I Bet I bet we could do something like that. Maybe play two characters that kiss It could be our wedding that's what that's um, yeah a wedding where That's what that's, um, yeah, a wedding where, um, one of them super into it. The other one is having second thoughts. Like maybe you could be the one who's having second thoughts. Seems like that's where you're at. Okay. I, and we call myself the surly Mr.

Fassbender. Yes. I think that's, uh, I think that's a great name for me. Yes. And then you, you could be... Jennifer! Okay, I mean, but what's your demeanor? Are you also surly? Are you nice? What's surly?

Nobody knows. Then yes! I'm extra-surely. Okay. Okay. I'm going to come down the aisle, but the aisle will just be this table that I'm standing on. Okay. I don't know about this, he said internally. Oh, that's good.

That's really good. Chip appears at the top of the stairs with beef in tow, and we slowly ride the banister down. Don't move. They can't see you if you don't move. Okay. Hey guys, we need the room. The room? What are you talking about? We're in the middle of something. We're doing a middle of something! Yeah, we're doing a play. Yeah.

Oh, um, it's just that our world building has expanded beyond the Kintama Beef's room. Yeah. Our world building's probably not shit! We have a whole- We have a wedding happening right now. And I'm surly. Yeah, and I'm extra surly. This is elementary to what we're doing here. We're gonna need the room. What's your stuff even about?

Maybe we could be like a part of yours. Maybe our characters fit in your world. Oh, God, man. Chip, I told you they wouldn't be like this when we asked about the room. I know, but I... but you agreed that we... our worldbuilding went beyond the confines of your bedroom. Well, it's not my fault your character pillaged and... and made it... and conquered.

It's not! You set me up for that! Hey guys, I'm... What are you talking about? When I signed up to be the sacrifice, you knew that I was gonna revolt. You knew that! was gonna revolt. You knew that! Sounds like a pretty big world we could probably fit into.

Yeah, I mean, we would go outside, but it's raining, and Jennifer might drown in a puddle, so like, I don't... They want to join us. You want us to just hang out in like, Chalice's room? Could we make them non-verbal characters? Okay, that doesn't seem fair. It could be like, it's embarrassing. No, you know what? You don't even last two seconds in ours tell us what is at the

top of the stairs and she's wearing a very big red hat red outfit and she goes down the banister very slowly and she gets to the bottom stairs and brushes off her legs because well if you excuse me I have a very early breakfast date with Marcus lighthouse the sea captain and I must be going. Goodbye! Alright, bye Han! Just let us know when you're back. She's just kind of standing out there.

I've never seen that outfit before. I know, she looks like... Looks like she just remembered she didn't bring an umbrella and was debating whether she will come back in to get one. I figure the hat was umbrella sized. It would be really embarrassing for she will come back in to get one. I figured the hat was umbrella sized. It'd be really embarrassing for her to come back in though. Do you see her standing outside though? Her shadow? She just doesn't know which way to go.

She's shaking her head. Isn't it weird that the guy who's a sea captain, his last name's Lighthouse. I ding-a-ling-a-ling back in for an umbrella. Do we have umbrellas? Hmm. I think we're going back in for an umbrella do we have umbrellas hmm I think you can check there's usually some people leave umbrellas in the little thank you chip in the lost and found yes maybe thank you chip welcome thank you chip whoa thanks chip and you know what beef while I'm at it thank you whoa okay whoa thanks guys I'm gonna it, thank you. Whoa. Okay? Whoa. Thanks, guys. I'm gonna go meet Marcus Lighthouse.

I'll see, Captain. Okay, let us know how it goes. Beef, we were just challenged. Did you hear the challenge by Jennifer? Chip, I gotta tell you something right now. What's up? Your girlfriend's mad. You and me.

What? Wait. Wait, is this the queen talking? Or is this... Beef, is this you? No, Beef, it's Beef. I know, it's kind of hard. Well, take off the eyebrows. Okay, fine, but I'm keeping the lashes on. Well, of course.

She's mad at us. Well, you a lot. And then for some reason, me. But she kept thanking both you a lot. And then for some reason me. But she kept thanking both you and me. Yeah, but- Why are you fucking daft? Come on, dude. It's tone, man.

She's missed. It's tone. She's missed. She's going on a date with another person. Right in front of you. This is about the umbrella, isn't it? You said- What'd you say? No, you fucking idiot. What are you saying?

Well, I thought, I didn't know, maybe- How did you even get into a relationship in the first place? You were there. It took- it took way longer than it should have, if we're being honest. We got- you gotta follow her! You gotta tell- you gotta tell her what's going on! Okay, you're right. Oh, and it's raining! That's extra romantic! Oh, I- I- I guess I don't need it to be romantic, I guess I just want us to...

I didn't realize... oh my god, okay. Beef, will you help since it sounds like it's mostly your fault too? Beef, you could join our world. It's gonna be great. Yeah. No, you guys don't understand world building. No, come on! Don't do it like that! I have a character that has a hat and he's got a third nipple and he's always talking about it! Beef, maybe we can use it. Maybe we'll recruit them and they can help us out with this whole

mad chalice situation. Okay. And it can kind of be like a test for them to see if they're worthy. It's my fault. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness

to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger and I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that

you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule, so you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D.

Okay, well listen up, idiots. I'm the queen of what I say goes, and Chip is the chosen one, okay? So if you get in his way, you're dead. And if you get in my way, you're dead. And if you get in my way, you're dead. Okay, so who are we? Um... We can make it up. No, no, there's already enough characters.

We don't need more characters. A bee, a bee, a bee, a bee, I'm a little piggy. Okay, well if you're... Yes, that's a little piggy. Okay, there's only three piggies in this world, and Beeb plays two of them very well, and one of them floats around. So you can play the one that floats around.

That one's name is... Hold on on Rolodex of characters I think that that's Arn, no that's my son yeah it is a Philip Philip with an F all F's it's all F's but it's pronounced Philip so it's like filling up no no no it's pronounced Philip. So it's like filling up? No, no, no, it's all Fs. It's like six Fs. OK, not correct. Six Fs. But you're Philip the pig, and you just got struck by lightning.

It's kind of like mostly your thing. Yeah, and you're confused a lot of the time. Yeah. That character sucks. What do you got for me? You could be... Um... How about like a dragon? Like the soul of a dragon trapped inside a paladin.

No, we don't have one of those. How about a god that sucks? We have a god that sucks. Yeah. Yes. No powers, no abilities. Hangs out with all the gods, but can't do anything. Yes. What makes them a god then?, but can't do anything. Yes. What makes them a god then?

That he's in the room. Uh, location. Yep. He's there. Okay. That he's there. I can play a god. For sure.

Hey, record. Alright, what's the name of the god? Michael. Can't be. Can't be Michael. Can't be Michael. Alright, sorry, sorry. Michael. Can't be... Can't be Michael. Can't be Michael.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Is that Mike? Yeah, it's Mike, but it's all F's. Oh. Yeah. Alright. F yeah. Okay, and you guys gotta help us. Alright, Queenie, lead the way. Everyone, hop on the Chosen One's shoulders.

It's time to drive. Tis I, the Chosen One, please climb aboard. Yes, here we go! I'm forgetful. I'm on. Hi, I am meeting a date here at the diner. It is Lighthouse Party of Two. It should be under Lighthouse Party of Two. Ah, yes. I believe they are waiting in the last booth there on the back left.

Awesome, I can't wait! Okay. I can't wait! Menus are at the table. You know, I'm single and I'm ready to get back out there. I'm feeling really good. Okay. Something, do you have something in your eye? Rain, tears, and hope for the future. Everything's fine. Okay. Well, best of luck. Have fun. Hi, Marcus?

Marcus? I normally go by Mark. Oh, I'm sorry. Bad start. Weird start. Well, Mark, I know that you asked me out on a date three years ago and told me if I wanted to meet you at this diner on this day after you got back from a long sea voyage. And here I am.

I'm glad the timing worked out and I'm not in a relationship when you happen to be back. Fantastic. I got to tell you, I was shipwrecked for 2 and 1 1 half of those years. And when I was on a raft drinking my own urine as a It was just kind of visions of your face that got me through it. So I'm just When you were late this morning, I thought oh I should have died

I drink pee too. No, so I get it. I drink piss at my job No. So I get it. I drink piss at my job. I'm so sorry I was late this morning. I'm sorry, I gotta go to the bathroom. What? Oh god. Oh I'm blowing it. My hat's so wet and I miss Chip and I miss beef. Oh god. Ahem. Boop-da-doo-doo, boop-da-doo-doo-doo-doo! Presenting the Queen of the Realm! A beef walks in with his hands on his belly, like, overlapped on his belly, and his eyes are half closed. And he's walking so slow, and he's looking from side to side. He says, hello establishment, it is your queen.

What the fuck is happening? People kind of like confused, like look around, make eye contact with other people who are in, you know, the breakfast place, and like very confused. Patrons, how dare thee not bend thee knee to thy queen? Excuse me, waitress? Uh, yeah. Hi. Hi, hi. Could I get a choffy?

And could you kick these people out? They're disturbing the peace. Yeah, no, they really are. I thought maybe this was something that we were putting on for like a little Sunday morning show, but I don't... I'm looking around and none of the staff seems to know what's going on. Table for four please. Well table for two. The other two will sit on the ground.

Well I'm a piggy. I think I have a b-b-b-b-dark secret. Yes, of course. Philip has forgotten his past, although he has a dark secret that holds the key to the realm. Who's Philip? The birds in the wild after I got struck by lightning called me Troubadour Trevor. And if you all won't bow down to a queen, perhaps you'll bow down to a god! Aaaaaah! No, Chip, Chip, Jennifer's trying to use powers and she doesn't have powers. And lightning shoots out of my nips!

No, Jennifer, what did we tell you? What? I'm a god! It's happening again! Nipple lightning! Mark, it looks like you're back from the bathroom. I'm actually not hungry anymore. I was wondering if you'd like to take a stroll in the rain and maybe, um, go to a bakery or somewhere else. It's a little crowded in here. This could not be going better.

I just was in there giving myself a freaking pep talk being like, Get back out there! You're not sunburnt and cracked-lipped you you you got this she's so pretty and she's she wears big hats oh you want to be with an oaf like you you don't even own a hat you just get burnt by the Sun take my arm mark this is going so good and we will leave this diner you know my challenge is this beef chip... Mark is real. Mark is a real guy. I didn't think he was real. His last name is Lighthouse. Oh my god, Chip Den and this establishment.

When did they build this? Has this always been here? Lighthouse? That's the concern right now is that there's a new restaurant. I just didn't know. I normally know them. No, this is a big deal this way is going on grabbing people's food But well, I don't think you're gonna be eating this I'm the queen I feel like you should have entered as yourself and apologize, but no worries. I'll reverse time But no worries. I'll reverse time

You're a god who sucks Philip do not play it to it stop it Wait in that time Backwards I realized that before I was struck by nipple lightning. I was actually the king and you are the usurper. No, no, no. He's beginning to remember. I'm the big king. Are you guys gonna sit at your table or order or anything?

No, the food sucks here, we're leaving. You haven't even had any of the food. I am the chosen one and I will sacrifice myself for you and one day you will appreciate it all right bye get out we make haste to follow Chalice and Marcus they're promenading I'm far away though are you watching Bridgerton Elizabeth? No. That's what they do on Bridgerton Elizabeth? What they do and Me neither. Yeah, you guys know I don't watch that show. I haven't watched season two three times in a week We're far away, I feel like you should have to roll you guys

Did have to roll the seat you can find me. Okay Let's roll. That's fair. See if we see her Yeah to see if you can find me? Okay, let's roll. That's fair. To see if we see her. Yeah, to see if you can pick up on Chalice's trail. So just give me a perception check. 14. I got an 18. Okay. Lucky roll. Yeah, I'm on your tail.

Yeah, I'm on your tail. Beef, um, you see a big red hat rounding a corner by the waterfront. Um, like, what looks to be like a quarter of a mile down, so pretty far down. Chip, I mean chosen one! Make haste! Haste! Yes, my queen, of course! Uh, Philip, my, come on. No, I have risen in army and I will meet you on Battle of Argonaut! Me and my, my, uh, pig horde will destroy you!

No more play anymore. It was, as it was foretold, and as I allow allow for nothing happens in this realm unless I allow it For I am the god of this realm If you guys want to do anything you have to ask me if it's okay beef you happen looking for Like an enemy in this whole thing maybe like a pig hoard Could be cool Well, let's put a pin in it. You dare defy the gods?

You should have to roll again. To see if you can see me. No, come on! Well, they certainly can't see you. But they did see you either turn a corner or walk into a place at the very end of the row of shops.

Yeah. And as we're walking towards it. As we're walking towards. or walk into a place at the very end of the row of shops. Yeah. We broke. And as we're walking towards it, as we're walking towards. B, do you think we should like... I don't know, like, what should we do? Should we try and break them up or like... Should we just say we're sorry? What do we do? Wait, what do we do?

Is this about our secret place? You think they're mad that they're not in our secret place? I just figured that they didn't want to play pretend because, you know, we usually get made fun of for doing it. That's why we don't invite people. Well, yeah, and I knew that they would all gun for the queen and I wouldn't be able to get it. Of course, and you deserve it, of course.

Thank you so much. I just... yeah. I guess... You think that maybe... Chalice found out that we were playing secret... ...play without her and she got really mad? Oh, that can't be it. Seb... Seb... Jennifer, what did,

why is Chalice mad at us? So sort of my fault. I turned into, I was gonna say bee, but that's not right. But it starts with a B, a bat. And I watched you from the ceiling and you guys were doing your play and I came down and I said, honestly, I wish that they had been having sex.

And then that was kind of, you know, taken as you were cheating on her with beef. And so she's going and probably cheating with the troubadour on you. That's so silly though! Long story short, it's Seb's fault but we forgive him. Thank you. I don't know if I forgive him, he spied on us. Let's do one big clap. No! No, no, absolutely not. No!

You spied on us during secret playtime and then you misconstrued what you saw to Chalice? If you're gonna spy on us, don't misconstru, just construe! I just said I was trying to explain it was misconstrued, I'm not gonna give you any toot on that one, because the construing, that was my fault. I could have presented it better, and I'm gonna own that. Can I be honest for a second though? Can I be honest for a second? What's up? I really thought just if me and beef ever were to end up together that Chalice would be happy for us. I think we gotta go find her because... You have to roll again! I am promenading and I am moving very quickly!

Let's cut over to Chalice and Marcus. So Marcus, what was your favorite part about being stranded on a desert island for two and a half years? Well, I never knew my family until so I was actually able to create it and So I'd like you to actually meet them I know it's a little early on for you to be meeting my family but here here six Wilson brand Volleyballs, that's mom and that's my bloody handprint. That's dad. And that's also my bloody handprint That's how do you do? Mr. And Mrs Lighthouse? Shake their hand, they're very formal. I'm so sorry.

I missed you. Whoa, ow, hey, don't take my dad's arm off. You're here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Isn't she great? I missed you, I missed you. Just like I would tell you about every single night when we'd count the stars and try to make our own calendar.

What day would it be now? Probably 11th. Oh wow, yeah. Did you have a girlfriend volleyball on the island? No judgment. Um, you know, I didn't know I was gonna get off, but no, I stayed true to you the whole time. Oh, you did not need to do that. I was engaged for a while while you were gone. And then I fell in love with my friend. Are we having our first fight in front of my family? Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry, sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Lighthouse and the three others.

Wow. Yeah, I was engaged and then I fell in love with my friend. And that was great, I, yeah, I was engaged. Uh, and then I fell in love with my friend. Um, um, and that was great. I thought we said, I love you for the first time recently. And I thought that was going great, but turned out it was going bad. And he's actually in love with my other friend and I can't even blame them. I'm honestly a little bit happy for them because they are really sweet. They're really both sweet and great.

And if you're going to leave me for anyone, you're going to leave me for beef. Okay. And then, uh, okay. So, um, I'm going to leave me for beef. OK. And then OK. So I'm so sorry. I'm meeting you guys for the first time. I'm being so rude. I just say that in front of the babies. Little, little Philly and little Zachariah.

Oh, my gosh. They're my parents. You know, they're somewhat religious, so they had them later in life. They don't even understand. I stayed pure for you, okay? I'm wearing white because I stayed pure. Onward! And in the distance, beef is on Chip's shoulders.

They're running, they're running towards. Nice to meet your family. As Marcus, we have to continue our promenade. We have to go. Go, go, go! Trellis! Moving past. Trellis! Communication is key to any relationship. But we have to go

Communication is key to any relationship. This is perfect Yeah, I'm willing to get past this are this people yelling your name. I know you you can see us Tis the Queen What they're doing Tis the Queen! Help me! Hold right there! It's not working, she's not listening to me! Those are my coworkers. We have to put her in the world! We have to give her a character! That way she'll listen to the Queen.

Oh my god... The Red Witch. Chalice! You're the Red Witch! Chalice! You're the Red Witch! Chalice, you're the Red Witch! Are we playing pretend? Is that a pretend character? Yes! I am the Red Witch!

What's happening? Halter, halter! I am the Red Witch! Hey, Red Witch! Ah, it's you, Red Witch! I paralyze you in your spot with your own powers. Stop! Ah, my powers are powerful, so I am powerfully stopped in my own spot.

Yes, yes, and I need you to listen, listen to thee, the Queen. What's happening? Okay, because it's, uh, it's... Hey, guy. Hey, guy. What's that? Not about because it's, uh, it's... Hey, guy. Hey, guy. What's that? Not about you right now. Okay. This ain't about you right now. Okay? Excuse me, rude young man. It today is about him. He kept himself pure for three years for a beautiful young lady,

and you couldn't even keep yourself pure for two seconds with a beautiful young beef. Thy witch, thy witch, I... It's been misconstrued. I would never kiss the queen. Okay, I must keep myself pure because I am... And I take off an eyepatch that I've been wearing the whole time. Yes.

Yes. the chosen one I was not included in this game, so I have no context for what you're saying. I am to sacrifice myself to you Red which this is do it kill the character today's the day sacrifice. You know what you're right. This is not about me I'm gonna just hop on a snow you stay no you know what I actually did I did meet someone you're blocking I'm blumpkin yeah yeah and you're you're big and you can't move and you're right there okay you smell like farts even though you've never farted yeah interesting that's actually that was the rules Marcus he gotta I kind of like that oh man I like that Queen yeah

sacrifice me to the guy are you sure that this is your final wish the chosen one to sacrifice yourself in front of the Red Witch. We'll bring powers back to a god who was rendered powerless for far too long. Yes, my sacrifice does give Mike the god who sucks his powers back. Oh. How about- But it also shows my commitment to the realm and to you, Red Witch. You could use my body in whatever way you want. Actually, I'm back out.

I'm actually back out definitively this time. Yeah, I'm not, Pierre. You can't. You can't move. Remember? Listen to me, Red Witch. What you saw was miscontruded. This is true. I never had any sexual relations with the Chosen One. I could never have the Queen! Yes, and of course! If we would have, I'm sure you would be happy for us, would you not?

Yes, I would, and I was just saying saying that but to find out through a bat no dignity in that. That rhymed. Oh that's good. That was really nice Chaz. That's really good Chaz. We're probably not gonna keep that up because that would be exhausting but that was really good. Thanks. As the Queen I do declare that this world is destroyed. We will never come back to this story again. Every character, every Blumpkin will die. That is no queen, that is a usurper. And you look at the crest of the hill,

and I'm like on a horse and I have like a whole horde of- A horde? Oh of... This is real. I am the rightful king! I was struck by nipple lightning and I will vanquish thee! And I have a bunch of rats with little pig faces on them. Horde! Attack! Hurry! Sacrifice yourself so I can get my powers back and nipple blast these fools! Okay, okay, okay! Uhhh! Uhhhh!

I take out my axe and I actually cut my arm a little bit. OW! Oh! OW! Holy shit! And then B takes the antlers that Chip had grabbed and he goes to stab- and he pretends to stab Chip too. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH No! I'm the chosen one! Thank you so much for your sacrifice!

And I choose sacrifice! Also, Chalice, I think like, me and Beef didn't do anything. I figured. That was the context clues I read. I'm really sorry for assuming that you did, but it seemed like you did and maybe I'm a little sensitive. Yeah, Sepp can sometimes misconstrue things. It's kinda his fault. Also, I speak for the group. can sometimes misconstrue things. It's kind of his fault. Yeah, it's kind of my thing. I speak for the group. We love playing pretend.

We play house all the time. You guys are playing pretend with us? Whoa, it's kind of embarrassing the way that we play it. Because we like, I don't know, I guess we're like crazy good at it and like really commit to it in a way that's so embarrassing. And we just knew that like if we gave you gave you guys, like, a crumb, you would, like, go a whole mile. I mean, look at Jennifer right now.

I can feel the power encouraging through my back. You guys, we need to be nice to Jennifer today. She did fix all the leaks last night. No, that was me. That was me. Silence, mortal. Ah! Ah!

Silence mortal! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa And she actually does take out her rat helm puts on her head and all the pig rats the rats for a little pig mass then do obey her and defeat and swarm Seb's character Bringing him to a whole new world Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo The world was destroyed good lord this guy's horrible Marcus This is actually chip. This is my boyfriend who I love and we're together, and I'm really really sorry and You know I was so nice meeting your family, please give them my regards, but it's not gonna family on Chip I'm really sorry. I thought you kissed Beeb.

So you meet this guy's family? Babe, they are. Volleyballs with blood on them, they are. What do you mean? Okay, you're gonna say that? I had no idea that I had been, you know, putting this bigot on a pedestal for so long. I'm done with this.

And I get on my skateboard and I run away. Whoa. You run away? Yeah And I get on my skateboard and I run away. Whoa. You run away? Yeah. You get on your skateboard, get off your skateboard, and then run away. And they're all kind of like meandering back to bottoms up. Shuffling back. Yeah. Mark was weird, but his family was nice. Really nice. Yeah. Really nice. Firm handshakes. Really nice. Yeah, really nice firm handshakes. Mm-hmm. I like a quiet family You tell hey beef. I'm really sorry that I believed liar Seb Oh when he said that you and ship kiss no no no hey And you know he's not that wrong cuz uh I did try to kiss him mm-hmm. I did all is it in character

It was. Wait, no, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. It was, honestly, to be honest, it was because I just realized I had kissed almost everyone else, but not him. So we were thinking about just getting it over with. It started with a kissing of a boo-boo,

and then we thought we might. The natural escalation. I get it, I don't care. We're good. Yeah, it's not my fault. Beef and I dated like three months. Oh yeah. It's all gravy. Yeah. All right. Time to open up. You say, I guess we all lied a little bit.

Did someone say that they did the leaks when it was actually me? I guess we all lied a little bit and that's okay. And everybody's forgiven. Yeah. Everyone's like walking away from Jennifer Jennifer like doing their jobs to open up.