SitcomD&D - *BONUS PATREON* Chip's Tips - Part 1

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Chip hosts his own in-world talk show where he invites other fantastical inhabitants of Syndicatia to talk about their relationships and love in general. Chip is quick to offer "expert" advice of his own, but you can be the judge if his advice is helpful or not.  If you want to help support the show check out this episode and part 2 of Chip's Tips that's out TODAY over on our patreon!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, hello, and welcome to Chip's Tips, a dating and relationship advice podcast from your favorite half-orc. Whether you're an eligible dork, your relationship's at a fork, or you're just looking to pork, renowned bachelor and self-proclaimed local legend Chip Ahoy has got the answers for you. Coming up on Chip's Tips, we have two gnomes whose volume is causing them trouble in the bedroom. And before that, joining us is an equine whose heart aches because suitors find that she's fake. But first, let me introduce the tubby little rat here to help you find a hubby or settle your spats. Jennifer!

Hey, Jennifer. Did you say something? Yeah, Jennifer, we're hosting a podcast right now. Now? Yes, put the chef's tools down. I'm a chef. Why are you saying it like it's derogatory? It's what I do here. I know, but remember how you volunteered to help me with my podcast?

Yes, and it has to be now. Yes, it's now. Okay. I prefer. Okay, what do you want me to say? Did you call me tubby? Don't worry about that, okay? We're just here to talk about love, okay?

You know how much I love love, right love love i love love i love i mean you know my my history my maybe promiscuous past something your droughts and um yeah then it yeah we don't have sometimes it rains and it pours but yeah you know i think it's i honestly think it's a good thing for us to talk about my droughts. As rare as they may be, it's important because those droughts help me relate to those that may be struggling. You, for example. What's going on with your love life? Well, I'm actually kind of trying out like a dry March. But instead of dry alcohol-wise, it's it's dry sex wise i'm doing no sex march

oh is this a yearly thing do you guys do you do this often i've never done it before how's it going terrible i'm having so much sex i'm having so much sex it's going terrible terrible. Oh, man, that's rough. What's causing you to lapse so often? Horny. Horny. It's mostly how horny I am. Yeah.

That's rough. I mean, okay, I guess this begs the question, like, why do this at all then? Yeah, no, I think it's just to like, just to see if I could, you know? It's like, why do people run marathons? Oh, okay. It's not because of like any previously bad experience that you've had that you felt like you needed to take a break from or anything? No, I just kind of wanted to see what my life was like and what my sexual life was bringing to my overall well-being and what it's not. And like, well, like I said, so far, hard to tell because I'm still having a ton of sex.

Yeah, that's maybe maybe I can help you out. Maybe let's maybe let's talk about that. Right. OK. uh maybe maybe i can help you out maybe let's maybe let's talk about that right um okay i'm trying to think of ways to is it you know you you obviously work with hundreds of individuals similar to you i assume that's maybe hot meeting some of these man they're hot they're all hot they're just a bunch of just a bunch of lookers in the kitchen. The kitchen itself is hot temperature-wise, and then it's a group of six of them, all real strong and felt, lifting a pot together. And when you're in the trenches like that all day, and then you're unwinding and you're all sharing one cigarette after work,

it's hard not to just get after it. That's fair. Now, this is a self-imposed thing, so I feel like it's not a bad thing that you're having sex like i'm not gonna say you gotta stop this right you gotta figure this out uh because it's not really a problem you having all the sex no no uh but obviously if you want to figure out a way to it's not even improving that you're trying to do right you're trying to just figure out who you are without sex and that's just been hard for you to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's really good.

You're good at this. Oh, thank you. Well, you know, keep us up to date. We should record this. Jennifer, we are recording this. Oh, good, good. Yeah, we're going to put this out into the world. All right.

Well, I'm going to get back to working in the kitchen. Nope, you're sticking around. You're my sidekick for this whole thing. So for 50 minutes, we're going to be hanging out, interviewing some folks. Speaking of which, let's actually bring on our first guest. Please, I want to welcome Bubbles Bedazzle, the unicorn. And, you know, she's been going through, like I said, a rough patch of people calling her fake. But I'll let her go into it a little bit more.

Hey, Bubbles. How are you doing? Hey, I can't sit. You can't sit? No, I physically cannot sit. I wouldn't know how. That's okay. You don't have to sit.

That's not a requirement for the podcast. Okay, that's cool. I'm going gonna stand like a unicorn in solidarity oh okay so you actually believe i'm a unicorn that's a good start great cool great it sounds like you're upset yeah i'm just a little bit upset because normally when i walk in a room people go no no way i figure horse fake fake horn. Yes. It's exactly. Okay. Chip, thank you. Because exactly. You know, I'm not going to say this because I know that this is probably what people say

is they like touch your horn and they try and move it. Every single first date, they lean across the table and they try to yank my horn. You know what's humiliating? I have an orgasm every time someone touches my horn. You think I want that? Middle of a restaurant, I'm eating my spaghetti? It's horrible. It's so embarrassing. Excuse me!

What kind of society are we living in where you could just touch people on a first date? Everybody's got their spots. I totally get it. Everybody's got their spots. For you, it's your horn. For me, well, we don't need to get into that. Is it your... Yep.

It's none of my business. Yep. It's just like, yeah, I don't mean to like immediately come on here. Like, hi, how are you? I'm pleasured to be on the show. Yeah. You know, I mean, you feel your feelings. I'm not going to, I'm not, you don't have to be polite.

That feels like another thing that society is putting on you you know and already as something that people people don't believe in the last thing you need to do is like justify who you are and why you're here thank you I know I'm coming in a little hot I literally just like when I came in through the door people have said like so many comments about me being like fake not real boo and then people like in my own life the people when they finally do get to know me think I'm like two faced and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and I'm like two different people and then people like in my own life the people when they finally do get to know me think i'm like two-faced and i'm like two different people unbelievable let's talk about let's talk about some people from your own life like what was your last long-term relationship that you were in okay well i did date a cow for several years and he was like... Did the cow have any horns? Excuse me? Did the cow have any horns? Cows often have horns, like little horns. I guess bulls might be the better way.

Like a male cow is. Do you think I can only date things that have horns? No, simply a question. I apologize. So not true. I apologize on Chet's behalf that was way out of line but of course you can date other things that don't have horns like i would date you for sure yes he had horns okay yeah but we were he was just like thought i was like so fake like we'd go out to dinner with his parents and he would be like, what was that?

And I'd go, I was being myself. And he went, no, you weren't. And then I would be, then we'd get into an argument and then it would just be like bad the rest of the day. He was also a cow. What were his parents like? Do you often connect with parents? Like, do you do a good job? as parents like do you do you often connect with parents like do you do a good job well it's really really awkward because like his mom sat down and we're like having this whole conversation it was

going well and i was like this is so nice it's so great like uh what kind of milk do you make blah blah blah blah blah and then i okay so his dad died and became like they used him for me at the date no no no before the date and so and then the waitress comes over and puts a burger down the table i introduced myself thinking that it's him i said how do you do sir so nice to meet you i see when moon gets his good looks and they were like that's a burger that's just that's a burger that's on my dad and it was just really awkward. If I ate a nickel for every time I introduced myself to a burger, I'd have a lot of nickels. Mm-hmm.

So she gets it. Especially as a chef, I'm sure you see a lot of burgers coming in and out. Oh, my gosh, yeah. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I know the burger or not. Half the time, yes. So how did it end between you and... You don't have to share his name, I guess, but how did it end between the two what uh you don't have to share his name i guess but how did it end between the two his name was moo he was a cow named moo okay all right yeah um well if you

must know he cheated on me with a bunch of show horses surprise surprise yeah oh my gosh that's horrible i i've you know i've been on both sides uh of that and i it's rough you know you've cheated before why would you say that what the fuck dude and you're giving advice i'm i'm trying to be honest i'm trying to be fully 100 honest shut it down shut it down. Shut it down. It's just a terrible idea. No, no, no. This is... Jennifer. Jennifer. I want full honesty here. I want full honesty from everybody

and I'm not going to be a two-face and not be honest about my own relationships. Chip, can I be honest with you right now? You sort of made it seem like it was the same amount of pain. And I think that's where we're all getting upset. You were like like i've been on both sides of it and they both are terrible what it's not easy to cheat okay you have to be sneaky okay you have to shower more often than you prefer different things like things like that. It's not easy. I'm not going to say that it's harder to be the cheater. I wish I could sit right now, but I can't.

Yeah. Now, you're raising some good points. Never thought about that. It's a lot of work. Do you know how painful it is to see the show ponies leaping over those wooden things and trotting with their legs up like this just all fancy? It's so

hurtful. And I go, I'm mythical. And yeah, my parents are not unicorns. I'm not pure-blood unicorn. I have one horse, dad, and a narwhal mom. So I guess I'm not as, like, magic as other unicorns. But I'm still magic, you know? I think this is important to say. Without the fact that you're a horse or you're a unicorn, you are magical.

You are magical, right? Bubbles Bedazzle bubbles bedazzle is condescend to me i'm not don't i'm not being condescending i think we're all magical i think i truly believe i truly believe that that's what and we're all unicorns we're all unicorns right no you're not you're a rat and i'm a unicorn okay you say that like it's a bad thing no i'm saying like you're a rat and I'm a unicorn. Okay. You say rat like it's a bad thing. No, I'm saying like you're a rat and your pleasure spot's like your tail or whatever. I'm a unicorn. It's the tip of my tail. Did you know that there are more neurons, more little feelers in the very tip of my tail than there are in the whole rest of my body?

I didn't know that. Yeah. I didn't know that either. Is that you? Do cows really have horns? Am I imagining cows wrong here? Don't they have like little horns? Yeah, you're right.

I think you're right. But if I drew a cow right now, I wouldn't draw it with horns, I don't think. I think what might be a good thing for us to practice is maybe you go on a date with Jennifer. Not a real date, just like a little practice date and you're the expert careful because I'm on a fucking hot streak baby and what I really want you to do is be

fully authentically yourself okay and you tell me if anything's coming off as fake. Great. Both Jennifer and Bubbles both of you. If anything's coming off as fake. Great. Both Jennifer and Bubbles. Both of you. If anything's coming off as fake, and I'll point it out.

Like I said, honesty, right? I'll point out. I'll be like, that's not real. Cool. Let's do it. Who am I playing? What's your type? Yeah.

Bubbles, you got a type that Jennifer could maybe be? Cow-like things. Okay. Got it. Perfect. Jennifer does a great Cow-like things. Okay. Got it. Perfect. Jennifer does a great cow-like thing. Yeah. Hey, my name's Bubbles Bedazzle.

I'm a magical unicorn. I'm a doctor. I'm going to point out immediately. Immediately, you totally changed your voice and vibe. No, I didn't. This, what you, you saying no, I didn't, completely different from the introduction that you just yeah you're even moving different yeah you kind of did like i'm paying attention i would never not pay attention on my own podcast

okay i promise you i'm 100 here all right let me try again you're right i'll try again and i'll i'll point out if I see anything weird. Hey, my name's Bubbles Bedazzles. Nope, stop. I'm a doctor and an astronaut. Okay, we're going to stop. I'm going to give you one more attempt. So say hello to me as Bubbles. Okay, but I actually, I need you to walk me through what went wrong because I can't hear the difference.

It was when you started to, have you heard of a nanny? No. Like nannies, like the general concept of nannies? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, there's this famous one. Okay. She's really well known. You kind of took on her vibe a little bit is what I felt. Okay. I feel like I'm just being myself. Jennifer, did you notice a difference or? Okay, I feel like I'm just being myself. Jennifer, did you notice a difference or? Oh, big time. Big time.

Watch, just let's pretend like we're not even doing a, you know, a little role play. Just there'll be no transition. Let's just continue our conversation right now. There you go. That's a great idea. Okay, yeah. And there's gonna be nothing different. And it's rolling.

I'm just rolling right into it. My name is Bubbles Bedazzles, and I live on a rainbow. Okay, I'm just going to let this play out. What's your name, and do you have any brothers or sisters? My name's Spot, and I'm utterly delighted to meet you. And then I would go on a date. What is this voice? What is this voice now that you're doing?

The same voice I've been doing the whole time. You switch. In the middle of the sentence that you were just saying, you completely switch voices. That's not true. Play it back. Okay, let's play it back. Let me rewind. And we're playing it back. Let me rewind. And we're playing it back.

Hi, I'm Bubbles Bedazzles and I live on a rainbow. Okay, do you hear that? Do you hear that? Yep, I hear with my ears and it sounds like me. You screamed at the toppest pitch of your entire mouth. I think you must have sensitive ears. I don't think that's not true. Okay.

I do absolutely have sensitive ears, which is why I'm able to probably pick up on this kind of stuff. You know what, Chip? Don't you think that people are different versions of themselves depending on where they are? Like, are you the same you at work as you are at home, as you are with your friends, as you are with your coworkers? Like, you change, right, when you're talking to different people even a little bit? Okay. We're you change, right? When you're talking to different people, even a little bit? Okay, being honest, right? I think it's impossible to keep up the same level of who you are for everybody.

I think that's going to be hard. Right, and when you cheated on people, you had to be the fake version of yourself probably a lot. I had to lie. I had to lie. But when you're trying to get into a real relationship, when you're really trying to meet somebody that you want to fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with, you have to be 100 percent yourself. And I'm not going to sit here and say that everybody from your past that you dated was probably right about you. but some of them may have been right about you

you know what chip maybe i can't be myself on dates because maybe people will not like the real me which is a unicorn that's sort of a fluke because her mom's a narwhal and her dad's a horse okay maybe maybe the real thing is not here. You use this term unicorn, right? And Jennifer did a great job using it to mean individual, to mean unique. But it's also what I look like and what I am. You literally are a unicorn that is unique. The fact that your parents are a narwhal and a horse makes you even more of a unicorn than the other unicorns that are out there i've never seen a unicorn that looks like you you literally have the body and tail of a manatee

four not legs just hooves at the bottom of your otherwise featureless round body and at the top is a horse head with a horn on it it's gorgeous well. Well, I'm not. The other unicorns are better than me. They can like throw up sparkles and they can walk on water and they can make little girls dreams come true. I can't do any of that stuff. Speaking of which, on your fake date that you had with Jennifer,

we might have time to go back to, but you said I live on a rainbow. Is that what you said? I live on a rainbow? I was faking. Yeah. You know. I was faking it.

You got me. Do you hear that? That's the sound of progress. Sounds like the truth to me. Yeah. I was faking it. I also said I was a doctor astronaut. And that the truth to me. Yeah. I was speaking it. Why don't we try it again? I also said I was a doctor astronaut, and that's not true either.

Did you say that? No. Or you were going to say that? I did say that. You did say that. That's a lie? Yeah. I was speaking.

Well, let's try it again. Let's do one more role play. What do you say, Chip? And this time you be yourself, okay? Okay. That sounds great. Alright, hit it. Hi! I'm Bubbles the De-

Hi! Hi! So close. Hey! So close. Keep going. Keep going. Hey, Keep going. Keep going. Hey, Bubbles.

Come on. You got this. Hi. You got this. Hi, I'm Bubbles Bedazzle. I have a terrifying body. Would you like to go on a date with me? Hi, I'm Jennifer the Rat.

I live on a unicorn. See? What did I do jennifer what did i do jennifer not helpful i don't were you trying are you were you mocking bubbles right there no no no i i i was being myself you must have been a lot like me because when you did that it reminded me of my sister so like you were copying me in some ways i once again i smell progress and i hear progress and i see progress i can't smell or see anything i'm sort of a monster you can't smell or see anything? I don't have any senses. I don't have any of the senses.

You have none of the senses? No. Is that why you can't sit? Is that related? Chip, I can't do anything, basically. Look at my body. What functions, what things do you think that I could do in the kind of animal that I am? Come to think of it, I don't even remember how you got here.

You were just kind of here. Mm-hmm. Well, I'm cured. Well, all right. Well, if you want to stick around, we got a couple more guests coming. Do you want to stick around? I don't think she's got a choice except for to stick around. Know where to go?

Wouldn't know where to go. Wouldn't know how to go, it looks like. Thanks, Jennifer. Alright, I want to bring on our next guest. This is Chris and Babes Bugabuga. They're two... That's Booga Booga!

I'm sorry, Booga Booga. Alright, we're written down. I apologize. And these are two gnomes that are having a little bit trouble in the bedroom. I can sum it up or you guys can feel free to take it and let us know what's going on there. Thank you, Chip. Hey, it's great to be here. We can't sit, but thank you for having us. Extremely offensive.

You guys also don't want to sit? Hold on now. No, we don't want to sit. Hold on now. No, we don't. Okay. Okay, that's fine. You don't have to sit. Nobody has to sit. I don't think I said

anybody has to sit. I'm not fucking sitting, Chip. Okay, Jennifer, that's fine. You don't tell me what to do. I didn't. I'll stand. How about I stand? I'll stand. Let me stand. Okay, Jennifer, that's fine. You don't tell me what to do. I didn't. I'll stand. How about I stand? I'll stand.

Let me stand. Okay, good. I'm so sorry about that. Now we're on the same page. What's up, you guys? Now we're on the same page. So, Chris, babes. Yeah, booga booga.

Chris, you want to kind of walk us through what you've been experiencing in the bedroom lately? All right. So we just got married. I took her last name. And I'm, well, before I say that, guess what I do for a lady? Better yet, let me give you a clue. Hi, my name's Chris. You got to give him a clue.

Last time, you got really hurt by whatever someone said. Okay. I'm giving you a clue. Clown. Clown. You're a clown. Very close. I'm a performer.

Oh. Hi. My name is Chris. Unicorns. No. What? No. My name is Chris, and I'm band leader in a big band.

Is that the hint, or is that what you did? Yeah, that's the hint. Okay, my guess is that you lead a band of some sort. Hey, hey, the tall one's a little, he looks stupid, but he is smart. We're all having fun tonight. We're all having fun. All right, all right. Here's a coupon.

All right. Get yourself a scotch and soda. You look like you like scotch and soda ponytail. Yeah. This guy looks like he likes scotch and soda. You fuck. Not with your head, babe. You fuck.

This guy looks like he likes scotch and soda. Fucking fuck. I can't eat or smell or drink a scotch and soda. Jesus Christ. What is that? Oh, my God. it's wet and sad. Hey, Chris, we don't ask questions like that, okay? This is an open space.

Hi, my name's Bubbles Bedazzle, and I am very good and pretty unicorn who has all of the magic. Bubbles, neither of them are going to date you, so you don't have to. They immediately, I wasn't good enough for either of them when I was just being myself. You were lying.

Chris, we are open to all sorts of bodies, all sorts of personalities here. Okay, so we're not going to point anybody's out. We're not going to point out anybody's cool, awesome ponytails. You're the shortest thing I've ever seen. That's what I'm saying about your body, sir. Wow. Oh, man, that one stung me like a bee. We're all having fun tonight.

And I guess, Babes, what do you do for a living? Babes, my name's Babes, and my dad is a part of the mafia. What? That's your job? And that's basically kind of what you do? Yeah, it's kind of what I do. Yeah, really can't go into it. Honestly, yeah, we can't go into it.

Chris had to take my last name or yada, yada, yada. Those booga boogas, you know? Yeah. Oh, it's those booga boogas. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'm not going to say, I'm not going to get too touchy with anything just for the sake of my own life. Chips, you're sweating so much. No, it's not sweat it's it's uh tears because i know that these two are having a hard time in the bedroom don't you worry chris chris was so scared when he first met my dad yeah it's okay you'll get used to it you're acting so weird chip usually when the booga boogas get brought up you say what a fucking dumb pile of

shit family they are i would never i would never say that i never have said that wait a second you know what let my wife talk thank you honey that's healthy this is healthy i that dynamic right there that's the best thing i've seen from the two of you so i'm gonna tell you we know how to communicate like nobody's biz. Well, here's the thing. You guys seem pretty great so far. Is there a problem that you have in your relationship?

Well, here's the thing. Mouse, you don't even know us. Yeah. You don't know us, Mouse. Oh, that's so sweet. I'm actually a rat, believe it or not. Doesn't matter. So Chris and I are having trouble in the...

Okay. In the room with the bed in it. room where it happens the laundry room what's going on in there give us you know we're a full honesty podcast all right honesty fully 100 what's happening you got a ghost problem i wish i wish honestly bubbles bubbles i wish it was a ghost problem. Jesus, it does not get easier to look at you. Oh, my. I'm sorry. That's the last one.

That is the last one. Chris, why don't you go ahead? Go ahead and explain. All right. So we have this problem where I have this belief, and it might be true, it might not be true, but every time that I come, I am convinced that I lose 10% of my life force. And that resets on every solstice, but if I come six times in a six-month period, I will become a wraith, and I will have to walk the world between hours in the next.

So you see what I'm working with here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it sounds like solstice every six months. So you can only have sex six times. You want basically once per month. How many calendars are inside my house? It's good to be reminded.

You want me to guess? Are you going to give me a clue? I'll give you a clue. The clue? Is it going to be band leader again? Is the clue going to be the answer again? hi my name is chris and it is nine okay is it nine do you have nine calendars you got a night you got a calendar in the bedroom you got a calendar in the kitchen you got a calendar in the car you got a calendar in your desk you got a calendar on the mirror in the

bathroom you got a calendar in the fridge you got a calendar on the lawn front lawn you got a calendar on the mirror in the bathroom you got a calendar in the fridge you got a calendar on the lawn front lawn you got a calendar in the mailbox and you got a calendar in your mouth but we call that the foyer okay so i'm doing the quick math i'm doing the quick math and i said six before but i think it's if it's ten percent of your life force basically every six months you can only have sex ten times, right? That is correct. Otherwise, you become... Or else I am doomed to kind of walk this world. I glow. It happened to a cousin of mine. He just kind of comes around and he goes, and he sounds like he's just broken glass. Yeah. I'm not here to tell you whether or not that that will happen. Because first of all, I don't know. And also, we don't want to know.

We don't want to test it. Right? We don't want to. I guess my question is, so mama's got to, babes has got to, mama's got to feed. You know, mama's got hungry. And so we only get 10 once a month. Every solstice. Every solstice.

What can mama babes do? It feels like you both are not on the same page with the math. And that's just my two cents from over here. Also, can I step in real quick and just say that every time that there's, let's say, that mama

needs to eat, as you put it, doesn't mean that Mr. Booga Booga needs to come. Huh. Oh. I agree wholeheartedly that just because Chris can't come doesn't mean that babes still can't get off. That's totally fair.

I'm afraid, though, if I'm getting off, he's going to get off. I mean, look at me. Look at me. Wouldn't you come if I was coming, Chip? Wouldn't you come if I was coming? Maybe I'm getting off, he's going to get off. I mean, look at me. Look at me. Wouldn't you come if I was coming, Chip? Wouldn't you come if I was coming? Maybe I'm overstepping. Maybe I'm overstepping here. Maybe Chris doesn't even have to be there.

Be careful. You know who her father is. Yeah, you better. Chris, excuse me? I'm trying so hard. Excuse me? What? What?

I'm just saying Chris maybe doesn't have to be present in order for you, for Mama, to eat a little something something. Are you saying you're going to be present, Chip? No. You trying to fuck my wife? No. You trying to fuck my wife? Put on the record that I would not be there.

I'm climbing to the top of the stool and I'm going to throttle you. Chip loves cheating. No. He says it's actually a great idea. Oh my God. The lump said that yeah but i came in here he said he said it's also more hurtful for the person who cheated than it is for the person i didn't say that okay all i said is i cheated before it's on the record i have cheated before

and i'm okay admitting that because i'm all about honesty you said it was tricky figuring out all those disguises and sneaking around. Speaking of disguises. I don't know if I said disguises. I wore disguises, but I don't know if I said disguises. Speaking of disguises, I wanted to talk about this. She can't come unless I'm wearing a mask. We forgot to add that.

We forgot to add that. Okay. So I can't come by myself so this is a fact masks are scary and and that is the only way i can come is if i'm scared uh okay so this is okay so this okay let's work this out i think we can find a solution for this because it sounds like he can't come more than 10 times in six months. We got that, right? That is fact. That is fact.

Okay, babes, mama's got to eat, right? That's a fact. Thank you. Mama's got to eat is a fact, okay? But you can't come unless- I can't eat or drink. Oh my God, that doesn't get easier. I knew you're there.

I know it never gets easier. You forget. Why do I want to touch your horn? Now, this is a question, and tell me if I'm getting a little too personal, but babes, do you think you would know, and I'm not suggesting that I would be there. Careful.

do you think you would know, and I'm not suggesting that I would be there. Careful. Would you know that it wasn't Chris wearing the mask? Mouse, hold me back. Hold me back, Mouse. Get out of here, you son of a gun. You rap. I'm not.

You little tramp. You want to wear a mask? I'm not there. It's not me. Open your mouth. I want to spit in your mouth. Then who is it? Who's wearing the mask? I'm not there. It's not me. Open your mouth. I want to spit in your mouth. Then who is it? Who's wearing the mask? It's not my husband.

Oh, you're scared. Isn't that what you want to be? Scared? Yeah, you sound scared. Yeah, but it's like a certain type of scared, right, Bubbles? You know what I'm talking about. Girl on girl. Yeah, I do.

Girl, girl. Girly girl. Yeah, I'm Bubbles, and I know exactly what you're talking about girl girl girly girl yeah I'm Bubbles and I know exactly what you're talking about I am also a very famous detective okay never mind so yeah I okay so here I'm gonna get I'm gonna get to the root of the issue Okay cause I feel like we're busy talking about logistics Which are It's not good to talk about logistics When we're talking about sex It makes

Yeah it makes me not horny And I want a horn so hard This is the root of the issue Here's another thing I have a horn Oh no more things Chip are you gonna make me Fuck someone in front of everyone

No we don't have to do the practice with you We don't have to do that Oh thank god I have seen hundreds of mice everyone? No, we don't have to do the practice with you. We don't have to do that. Oh, thank God. I have seen hundreds of mice have sex before. I really don't need to see that. If this guy calls me a mouse one more time, I'm going to freak out. Mouse. Am I going to have to hold you back?

I'll take it off my mic. I'm coming after this guy. No, I'm holding you back. I'm holding you back. Can you hear me? Hey, Jennifer. Jennifer. I don't care who your father-in-law is.

Hey, you're lucky I'm wearing shin guards or else that would have hurt. You're not that tall. I'm taking it back to the root of the issue. The root of the issue is the idea that we're scheduling sex. Ten times in six months. You've got calendars all over the place.

We're scheduling sex. This is not healthy. Like I know people do that when they're trying to have a baby because there's only certain times when you're able to conceive. But this is the case for you. And now you guys are trying to schedule sex. Yeah. That does not work. I'm pregnant.

Baby, what? Can I touch your stomach like it's a unicorn horn? I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. With my baby? And I can't tell my dad. Why? We're married.

Chip, I'm going to have to have you call my dad and tell him. I don't know if I can. I mean, I can't do that. And if I do do that, you cannot talk about me potentially having sex with you. That can't come up. You have to do it. You have to. It's your show.

Definitely do not tell him on that phone call when she's horny, she only whispers. Do not say that on that phone call. Okay. I mean, I don't think it would have come up because I didn't know about it before. Tell them I'm here. That's good. Bubbles, you want me to tell them that you're here?

Yeah. Chip, you got to do it. It's your show, Chip. You got to do it. It's your show. All right. Seb is our silent producer. Seb, can you get, what is your dad's name?

Crotch. Crotch. Can you get Crotch Booga Booga on the phone, please? Yeah, it is just a can with a really long string. Seb, once again, you are the silent producer. What does that even mean? It means that you don't actually talk. I have a voice made for radio

Check this out Wow Seb We'll probably edit that Hi Seb I'm Bubbles And I'm a radio I'm married Seb can you just get crotch on the phone

Alright I am jingling the can. Okay. You got Crotch booga booga. Hey, Crotch. This is Chip A. Who the fuck is this? Careful. I just said this is Chip A. Hoy.

You may have heard of him. Who the fuck is this? This is Chip A. Hoy. That thing where you get swallowed by a dragon and burst your way out. I did that. Are you working? Also, are you working for Slim Stevens? No, no, no, no.

This isn't about my murderous past. This is about, I host a dating and relationship advice podcast. Slim Stevens has been encroaching in our territory. Yeah. Stevens has been encroaching in our territory. And if you're working with Slim, I'm going to follow this little string to the other can that it's tied to. Uh-oh.

And I'm going to take that string. This isn't good. And I'm going to floss. I'm going to put it around my neck. No. More detail. More specific. I'm going to floss your whole body with it.

Get in all the crooks and crevices. My dad's a poet. And then.'m going to put you in the can. I'm going to can you. And I'm going to send you to your mama so she can have a nice can of you. I'm not done yet. There's more details. Okay, keep going.

Yeah, wrap it up if you don't mind. Because I do have exciting news for you, actually. And she's going to eat it and say, that's good. That's it. Okay. I don't know who Slim Fast is, so I don't mind, because I got excited. I do have exciting news for you, actually. And she's going to eat and say, that's good. That's it. Okay. I don't know who Slim Fast is, so I don't know. Slim Stevens.

Slim Steven. I'm sorry. Slim Steven. I don't know who that is. Plural. Slim Stevens. Are there a couple of them or is that his name?

I'm going to fucking kill you. Okay. I have exciting news for you. Your daughter and her husband are actually with me right now. And I want to announce, I'm sorry, hold on. I'm going to have to put you on hold crotch. What's going on? We're not here.

We're not here. We can't be here. We told him we were on a cruise. We were on a cruise. Why did you not tell me that before this? You got to tell me. He hates waiting on the phone. You're with babes?

He hates waiting on the phone. You're with babes? I thought they were on a cruise. No, they're on a cruise and they're not here. When I say I'm with them, I meant that they wrote me a letter to read to you, I guess, is what I meant. Tell them I'm here. And also, we have

not also, the only person here is Bubbles. Hi, I'm Bubbles and everyone's scared of you. Bubbles! It's been a minute! Yeah! Of course! Oh yeah, we go way back, me and Bubbles.

You still an astronaut space lawyer? know it the very same you're the fucking coolest you're the coolest all right chipples yeah it's chip ahoy uh and i'll read the um i'll read the letter yeah i'll read the letter from your daughter. All right. Dear father, I'm so excited to announce to you and to the world. Do her voice. Oh, okay. I'm so.

Hold on one second. What's your voice? Baker. Baker, you're faking. You're faking. You just told me not to do that. Wait, why do I have to do her voice? I don't have to do her voice. It's better storytelling.

It's better storytelling. It doesn't make sense. This is what I sound like. Hypocrite. No. If you don't stop talking, he's going to know that you're here. If he doesn't. Okay, I'm not going to do that though.

Okay. Dear father. That's my voice. Dear father. Dear father. Dear father, that's my voice. Dear father, I'm so excited to announce to you and to the world that during one of the 10 sexual encounters that me and my husband can have every six months, whilst he is wearing a mask and I'm afraid for my life. Too much. And I whisper to him, we conceived and I am pregnant with your grandchild.

Your pregnancy? Babes. That was the worst part. That's from babes. Yeah. That letter's from babes. My babes. My little girl. That's from youres my babes my little girl that's from your daughter that's right

every single one of those details was the worst thing I could have heard daddy it's me it's babes I've been on the call the whole time it's me the band leader shut your mouth pencil dick

I'm talking to my daughter. Hey, coming from you. That's nice. I'm pregnant. The fuck is that supposed to mean? Let me talk to my daughter. I'm so scared of you. Okay, you're off to your daughter.

Babes. Do you know what this means? Before you guys get into more detail, you are being recorded, and this is going to be broadcast to kind of like the world. So just a heads up. I have no concept of any of that you have a new podcast and you think the world's gonna hear it the entire world is gonna listen to this thing babes you're pregnant before your 72nd solstice you know what that means if you have the, it'll be claimed by the wraiths. No.

No, they'll come in their carriage with the bone horses. Oh, no, I totally forgot. Oh, my God. Oh, I forgot. That's why I've been trying to protect you this whole time. Oh, I've been so concentrated on my own calendar. What if you guys actually go on a cruise and have the baby on the cruise? Maritime law.

Because of maritime law. The maritime law the boat law the boat laws oh my god the boat law oh my god chip chip you solved our problem i don't know about that but thank you oh my god you are daddy you don't have to kill him they're doing it on the desk oh no he got his mask out. Come on, come on. Yeah, you like that? I'm about to give you a tenth of myself. But this is spontaneous. This isn't on the calendars, right?

This is spontaneous. I'm giving you 10%. I'm giving you 15. Let me give you 15 right now. Bubbles, you should be very happy you can't see or smell any of this. I can send. I feel it, though. Oh, my God.

This is worse. No, I have something worse than senses. I feel like the energy of a thing, and this is horrible. Oh, my God. Maybe we should cut the commercial and come back once they're finished. I like it. The best thing to put in your mouth. Oh, it smells like macaroni and cheese, what we're doing.

Oh, they had sex throughout the commercial. Okay. But anyway, I want to thank all my guests for being here today and coming on the show. You guys have been great. Thanks for having me. Jennifer, you're not a guest. You're actually my co-host. But if anybody has any plugs, does anybody want to plug anything?

Yeah. Oh, honey. Yeah, Chris. Chris and the Booga Booga Boys are going to be playing. We're a bunch of aspiring big band. I play my mouth because that's my most talented instrument. And it is. I'm sure Babes likes that.

And I do, too. Anyways, we're going to be at the Palm Lounge. We're playing at about 310. And we're going to get the Palm Lounge. We're playing at about 310. And we're going to be going on for 15 minutes. And yeah, there's like a whole song and a half. Well, that's very exciting. So please go ahead and check that out. Bubbles, you got anything to plug?

Yep. Follow my vlog, Living on a Rainbow. We release videos every Tuesdays and Fridays. Bubbles, you got anything to plug? Yep. Follow my vlog, Living on a Rainbow. We release videos every Tuesday night. I'm riding. And I'm a real unicorn. That's it. Excellent. Jennifer, you got anything?

Yeah. Actually, in the kitchen, we're trying out some new stuff. So we got a new seasonal menu. The starter, I think, is particularly good. We're starting out some new stuff. So we got a new seasonal menu. The starter, I think, is particularly good. We're starting with the cream beige fromage. Yeah, come check it out. Excellent. Yeah, I'm always going to plug Bottoms Up.

It's a great bar with a lot of character is probably the best way to say it. Characters. Yeah, characters welcome is what we usually say. Characters welcome at the bar. Characters welcome. Thanks so much for so much for tuning into chips tips if you have a problem just drop a comment in the suggestion box at bottoms up i promise we will find the key to it soon don't you worry uh and i'd like i'd like to leave you with a quote from me uh directed towards everyone listening right now. I love you very, very much.

Smell you later.