SitcomD&D - S1 E1: Pilot

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

Welcome to Bottom’s Up Tavern & Inn where employees Seb, Chip, and Beef have just learned their beloved bar is in dire straits financially, but it looks like their luck may turn around when Princess Chalice Glass makes an unexpected visit! Starring Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. and I'm going to be the DM or dungeon master of this little program. A little bit about me. I was born and raised in the Chicagoland area, went to school for business at U of I, and fell in love with improv comedy, which ultimately led to my recent move to Los Angeles, California, the city of dreams. And business. I'm happy to go next, but I do want everybody to be aware that Sean was clearly reading off something.

I was watching his eyes just kind of go back. I made this up. I think we should all just make it up and if mine seems like a little bit more put together I guess that's just because I'm a more eloquent speaker. You little turd.

You little turd. But you know who's not a little turd? It's me, Waleed Mansour. I'm going to be playing a character named Chip Ahoy who you'll meet very soon.

I'm from Michigan originally, a little city called Dexter, Michigan. And then I'm now in LA by way of Chicago. And I actually live a block from Mr. DM and soon to be announced Aaron Keefe. And we're having a good time out in LA.

That's hot. I know about y'all. We got keys to each other's places and we're kind of living that sitcom life. I have Kramer'd a couple times into their apartment. And freaked the shit out of our dog. Our dog started screaming when he Kramer'd into our apartment. Malik and I met in level one

at IO Theater in Chicago taking improv classes and somehow I ended up officiating his wedding a few short years later. Did he know that? Did I know? Yeah, I was aware it was like it was like fucking snape at that quidditch match i was just mumbling under my breath okay next to be introduced is going to be elizabeth andrews she was on my

very first herald team at io chicago welcome Elizabeth. Thank you. Thank you for having me. My name is Elizabeth Andrews. I do play beef, just beef. I grew up in Washington State. And then I took my legs over to Chicago where I met all these freaks at IO. And then I took my legs to LA, the city of business. So I'm happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

Yeah, I met Elizabeth Andrews in a dice game outside a casino in Rio de Janeiro. But that's a story for another time. That's a story for another time. But first, let me introduce my main man, Benjamin Briggs. Ben was on my first Herald team at IO Theater. That's right. And before long, somehow we ended up in a whitewater raft going down the entirety of the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, 300 miles approximately together, just really sitting on a boat, eating Larabars, hoping that we don't die. Like, just being like, well, if I'm going to go out, I'm going to go out with a belly full of cashew butter. You know, what's interesting is when I officially like hung out with you, Ben, we were on a canoe. Do you have like do you like hanging out with people on boats?

Well, it's actually kind of funny. Until I was about 21, I was afraid of swimming in fresh water because I thought I was going to get a mebiosis in my brain and die. So that tells you a little bit about Ben. Ben just came out of the gate being like, oh, I can't swim in water or I think I'm going to die. I totally forgot what I was doing. My character is Sebastian von Hugrent.

I'm the kind of neurotic or a little bit rambly, not so charismatic bar owner of Bottoms Up. And I look forward to having you get to know me. Ladies and gentlemen, last but not least, it is my pleasure to introduce the incomparable Erin Keefe. Yes, my name is Erin Keefe, and I play Chalice Glass, who's a princess. And I'm from Massachusetts originally, but I lived in Chicago for my 20s, met these people, and was friends with Sean and will lead in Elizabeth and Ben and

then had to pick which one of them to date. It was a really hard decision. I still think you made the wrong decision. Elizabeth, enough. Stop pursuing this. And now I live in L.A. with my dog and Sean and basically will lead. That is the crew. That is the cast.

I will be playing everybody else. And for those of you who aren't familiar with Dungeons and Dragons, I'll kind of give you a brief overview here. It's pretty simple. As the dungeon master, as the DM, I'm going to be presenting situations to these characters. And they can decide to do whatever they want, but they'll

have to roll a die to see whether it works out for them or not. So for example, I could go, you come up to a locked door and someone could go, okay, I try to break it down. They roll a 19. Great. That's a really high roll. The door just came off the hinges. Or they go, I just rolled a one. What that means is they shoulder the door, dislocate their shoulder, and the door remains locked. So that's kind of the world in which we're operating and how the game mechanics kind of work. It gets more complicated if you're in a battle

or some action sequences, but we'll cover that as we go. Oh, and a quick disclaimer for all you diehard D&D heads out there. We're not going to include every time we roll a die in the episodes because it can be boring and roll a die in the episodes. Because it can be boring and hurt the pace of the show. But don't worry. We're doing it. For now, that's all you need to know.

And let's be honest. You're all here mostly for the improv in the first place. So let's get our silly on. What do you say? Yeah. Quiet on set. Sound is speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice. Oh, that's good. Do you like that? I do like that. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains

are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Our story takes place in the realm of Syndicacia, in the land of France, that's spelled F-R-E-N-C-E, in the town of Frasier, spelled just how you think it is. Frasier is a medium-sized, relatively pleasant town that has grown to a population of just over 5,000, a population composed of men, elves, dwarves, halflings, half-orcs, and other fantastical inhabitants. The town was founded at the intersection of the Royal Road and Bazinga, and runs parallel to Dawson's River,

making it a natural hub for trade and commerce. Our story begins at sunrise. We see the warm morning light beginning to pour over the crowded, thatched roofs of Frasier. Most of the houses are made of wood and have tended to lean over time. In fact, some of the houses, which can get up to four stories tall, lean so drastically that the tops of them actually touch across the street. As it turns out, this bird's eye view that you're seeing of Frasier is truly a bird's eye view. We follow a raven as it cuts through the air, soaring effortlessly over the tops of the tallest roofs of Frasier.

The raven has a message, a scroll rolled up in one of its sharp talons. It dives down into the bustle of the street below, swooping past the butcher, the baker, and Tim the tool man, who's also the tailor, before ultimately coming to a rest on a second-story windowsill. It taps the glass with its beak. On the other side of the glass is a small bedroom, and it wakes Sebastian von Hugrent. And Ben, do you want to describe what Sebastian looks like for us? Yeah. Everybody comfortable?

Let's go. All right. Standing at about 5'10", and weighing approximately 170 pounds, he is rather average in terms of build and looking healthy and wiry strong. There's almost a hidden strength about him. He wears iron jeans and size 13 shoes.

On his back is a massive tattoo of metallic dragon wings. Across his lower back it reads, Gloomweaver, Dragon's Dread, Child of Darkness, in the Abyssal Language. Slicked back hair is finely combed and oiled no later than 7 a.m. each morning. One eye is gold, the other is blue. And just for the listeners, those are the same colors as the Swedish

flag. I got you guys. He loves wearing earth tones and keeps a list in his breast pocket of reasons why he is not stale. And that's Sebastian von Huger. Yay! Sebastian von Huger, you just, you awoke, you heard some tapping on the glass,

and you can see that there's a raven on the other side. I'm going to, yeah, I open the window and I grab it and I'm. As you go to grab the raven, it speaks. I have a dark. Sorry, I think I swallowed a bug while I was flying over here. I have a dark message. This is a final eviction warning for the owner

of Bottoms Up Bed and Breakfast. Is that you? Are you the owner? Who's asking? My name is Thatso. Thatso? Yeah. Thatso what? Well, I'm a raven. Yes, that's me. Okay, I'll go ahead and take this.

Yeah, it looks like you guys are pretty far behind on your tax payments to the Crown and to the town of Fraser. If payments aren't received by the end of the season with interest, your establishment will be forfeit. Sound good? Yeah. Sometimes I just wish I would get some good news. Yeah. I just need you I just wish I would get some good news. Yeah.

I just need you to sign this to acknowledge you understand, and I'll be on my way. I'm just looking for some empathy, man. Just level with me. Just be like, that sucks, man. I'm sorry. You know what? Whenever times get tough, I think about something my mother used to tell me. Ooh, something shiny.

And he flies off. Never mind. I don't want to have a conversation. He something shiny. And he flies off. Never mind. I don't want to. He's already gone. He flew off. Now, Sebastian, you share a room with your longtime friend and bartender of Bottoms Up, the Chip Ahoy, whose bed is on the other side of the small room. You can see the back of Chip's head poking out from the covers and he's dead asleep. So Sebastian, what do you want to do? Go Chip. Chip. I'm also going to actually have you roll perception. Six. Okay, cool. Keep doing what you're doing. He's still dead asleep. Hey man, I need

you to wake up. Something serious just happened. Chip, I'm going to uh strike him okay are you are you trying to do damage or just wake him up yes i want to do damage so you do you make contact and it's enough to have someone come rocketing out of the sheets that is not Chip. In fact, Chip is in the sheets, but he's also in the sheets with someone, a woman, an elven woman who screams, what the hell is going on? Welcome to Bottoms Up.

Continental breakfast starts at about 530 and promotions for today are charity day. If you want to give us a little bit extra, we'd appreciate it. So it's nice to meet you, and I'm going to do one of those little bow things, Ter. But I need to talk to my partner. Chip is now rocked. What's going on? Chip, do you want to describe what you look like? Yeah.

Keep that energy going throughout. I'm startled right now. Yeah yeah I got gray skin oh my god it's so early um I got I I used to have thick black hair but now it's earlier than expected for everybody it's receding like to no end uh but it is but I do I am so rockin' the ponytail. I have a 5 o'clock shadow that you can't tell whether or not it's working for me. You're like, oh, maybe on a more attractive guy that would work really well. But this guy kind of just looks like he's falling on rough times. I wear, even as I sleep, I wear a leather vest that used to be a jacket.

And it used to be my cool guy Fonzie jacket that I wore in high school. But now I had to rip the sleeves off because I've unfortunately put on a couple pounds since the glory days. But you could tell that there's a strong lad under those pounds. Yeah, for the most part, I got some pretty cool leather armor. I'm 6'4". Yeah, and I also tend to rock a sexy red scarf that I got from a woman whose name I don't remember. Oh, cool. I don't remember.

And also, lady, what's your name again thank god i forgot your name too okay yes i'm chip a hoy oh yeah um i forgot yeah wait i'm sorry is that name supposed to mean something to me um yeah wow okay so i didn't use it to lure you into bed last night. That's a step up for me. You know, I'm actually kind of famous around these parts. Oh my god. Can I tell the story? No, I mean, go ahead. Do you want to tell the story? No, I don't want to

tell the story. You tell the story. I'm actually, I'm going to be late for work. You know that thing that happens when you get swallowed by a dragon and then you kind of cut your way out and you kill it as you explode out of it. Yeah. Yeah, I did that.

Oh. Well, hey, I'm not really looking for anything serious, but last night was a lot of fun. Yeah, no, me neither. So, hopefully I see you around, Chet. It's Chip, and I didn't even get your name, but have a good one. Oh, and just so you know, Chet. It's Chip, and I didn't even get your name, but have a good one. Oh, and just so you know, the waffle maker is broken.

She's already gone. So, okay, so what's the deal? What's going on? We got a raven came, and we have until the end of the season to kind of come up with the money to save the bar and end, dude. Which season? Winter. Okay season? Winter. Okay.

All right. I guess, first of all, what else is new? And second of all, there's a good chance we work our way out of this somehow. I'm not even worried at this point, honestly. I'm worried. I know you're worried. None of the promotions are working. Your base level of feeling is I'm worried. Oh know you're worried. None of the promotions are working. Your base level of feeling is I'm worried.

Oh, that's true. But that's called pragmatism. I'm worried because if we lose this, we have no money, we have no things, and I can't have another failed business. Especially not this one. Okay, well, if this this helps we already have no money so we're already kind of there when you die no one will remember you do you hear from under the covers of chip's bed can you keep it down i'm sorry can you keep it down my friend just said when i die nobody will remember me that's what my friend just said to me oh my god just get out of

here i'm trying to sleep wait wait hold on who's under my bed i reach down and i and i grab whoever's under my bed it's a small uh like gnome man um who you also slept with last night i'm sorry oh what the come on chat it's chip and did you sleep with me because of that thing that i did where i got swallowed by a dragon and then I burst out of it and killed it? I slept with you because I've been going through like a rough patch in life, honestly. I just got out of a relationship. Why does everybody say that? I also slept in this room.

How did I not know any of this happened? Second, I don't know if you heard it, but the waffle maker is broken. So if you're looking to make a waffle. He's not saying either. He just left, too. If you're looking. This bed and breakfast bottoms up is a tavern and a bed and breakfast. And it has six different rooms for people to stay in.

But two of those are occupied by you guys. So we were just in the room with Sebastian and Chip. And across the hall is Beef's bedroom. I'm going to knock on Beef's door and I'm going to say, staff meeting, staff meeting. There's no answer, but the door kind of creaks open. Yeah, I'm going in. Okay, the room's absolutely trashed. There's old chicken bones and clothes and empty tankards on the floor. But Beef's bed is empty and there's nobody in there. Beef?

What's going on? What's going on here? Beef's gone. I think Beef finally died and ascended or something. I don't know where Beef is. Long time coming. Staff meeting. We got to do a staff is. Long time coming. Staff meeting. We got to do a staff meeting.

Well, it'll just be the two of us. Yeah, staff meeting about this. Just then, a human, kind of a hefty fellow, older gentleman, walks up to you. When can we expect continental breakfast to be ready? I am most famished. What time is it? It is 7.40.

It opens at 8 a.m., so you can go ahead and sit down there, and we'll be serving something up pretty soon. I hope you like grits, and that's it. Just grits. I do. I hope you don't like waffles.

Oh. I don't. Perfect. Great. All right. See you down there. He starts heading down the stairs. That went really, really well.

But we need to find, well, we don't need to find beef. I guarantee you beef will turn up. Okay. End of staff meeting. Let's go make some breakfast. As you're going down the stairs to the first floor and the main floor of Bottoms Up, you hear that man yell,

what, what is this? What's going on? And as you enter the main floor, you see what is the main space of Bottoms Up, which is a tavern. Think of the bar from Cheers, but, you know, fantasy style. Nice.

Very nice. There's a rectangular bar in the middle of the floor, in the center of the room, so you can fulfill drink orders from any side of that rectangle. And there's tankards hanging for easy access above your head, all the way around the bar. There's about ten tables around the main space surrounding the bar.

And there's a ton of windows and a nice wooden front door. And as you walk down the stairs, the first thing you see is that guest looking at Beef. Beef is asleep on the main bar, snoring loudly, butt naked, with his junk being covered by a small brass horn, like a trumpet of some sort. That's the only type of clothing that Beef has right now. Beef's kind of talking in his sleep and is having a very intense dream. We're actually going to jump into Beef's dream and beef looks like beef in his dream. So, uh,

do you want to describe what you look like? I would love to, uh, my name's beef and I am, I'm three feet tall and I'm huge. Three feet tall, huge, uh,

weight wise, like gorgeous. I exude charm out of my body, wherever I am. Yeah. I got hair not on my head, but everywhere else. It's very, I love wearing shirts with a V-neck, and the hair on my chest is kind of poking out. It's beautiful hair. It's the kind of poking out. It's beautiful hair.

It's the kind of hair like Austin Powers has. The chest hair. You really want to run your hands through it. And also, you want to have sex with beef just as much as you would with Austin Powers. Amen. Exactly. So far, so good.

A gold chain around his neck that says wet on it. So hot. Wet beach. Wet beach. I mean. Wet hot beach. Wet hot beach.

So hot. He can have a wonky eye when he drinks too much, which is always. And he gets very angry out of nowhere for no reason at all. A lot of the time goes from zero to 100, especially when he sees something small. Because he is small, you know. But he doesn't like it when people point that out. Yeah, I think that's like a pretty, oh, beautiful belly. Beautiful belly.

Can we see the belly? Yeah. I don't know we can because you're naked. But like in general. I think it's yeah you do see it you see it mentally and physically always it's like a v-neck that also turns into like an upside down v yeah there's reveal there's two buttons there's only two buttons and then the middle two buttons of the shirt are always put together but the ones on the bottom are open and the ones up top are open oh my god

i love beef so in beef's dream which we are in right now beef is on stage and he's playing to a crowd that would be similar to like an outdoor music festival today. You know, thousands and thousands of people are watching Beef. And Beef, what are you doing on stage in the stream? I'm holding the microphone tight and I'm looking at everybody and I'm going, Who wants more Beef? Yeah, the crowd goes fucking bananas. Give me the beef! I'm gonna have sex with you and you and you

and you! Not you! Definitely not you! Not you! Yay! Let's rock! I respect your choice not to sleep with me because I love you so much, beef! Oh, look. this is the soak zone

but what the soak what do you call that the soak zone soak zone is the right term yeah definitely it's the soak zone i'm in beef soak zone okay so uh we cut back to the bar we cut back to bottoms up and we sebastian and chip you walk up to beef now who's laying on top of the bar. We cut back to Bottoms Up. And Sebastian and Chip, you walk up to Beef now, who's laying on top of the bar. And you just hear Beef kind of like going, Soak Zone. Soak Zone. I pick up a bucket of water and I splash. And I splash Beef. It's okay.

It's okay. I'll fight you. I'll fight you, whoever you are. It's me. It's Seb I'll fight you Whoever you are It's me it's Seb Were you having that dream about a portal To another plane opening up And ripping open your ass What was going on are you okay

No Sebastian I was having a dream Where I was wet Everyone else was wet and we were wet together Okay well that explains why The bar is just So soaked with your piss right now. It's just covered in your piss right now. Yeah, that would. And he takes his two fingers, and he wipes the bar, and he puts it in his mouth, and he goes, that's good piss.

Oh, so hot. I mean, I was looking for sorry, but... You're going to have to look far and wide for that, because I'm about to make myself a waffle. No, you broke that by putting a bunch of oranges in it yesterday. I broke it? Yes. I don't think so.

I think you did. No, no, I don't even like waffles. You said, I'm going to make some waffles like a rock star. And then you smashed a bunch of oranges in it. And then you got distracted and left for an hour. Beef, that does, it does sound like you. I'm not saying it was you, but that does sound like you. Okay, I'll fess up.

It does sound like me. Okay, I'll fess up. It does sound like me. It sounds like me. Okay, but just get to the but. There is none. How about this? And I turn around and I shake my little tushy at them. How about that but? I'm confused.

Are there grits? I hear a lot of waffle talk. I remember there aren't any waffles, but are there grits? I'm sorry, sir. Is it 8 o'clock already? No, it's 7.51, so maybe you sit your ass back down, partner. Yeah, but we've got nine minutes to get to your goddamn grits, okay? Oh, of course.

When you're at Bottoms Up, the customer's always right, but right now we're having a staff meeting. You need to back the fuck off, sir, all right? Feel free to go back to your room. We'll call you down. We'll call you down at 8 o'clock. I'm going back to my room. You believe that asshole?

No, I mean, if he had a problem, we have a comments box. And as soon as I remember the combination, we're going to take a look at those, okay? We are not going to be open much longer if we don't turn things around like the feng shui? no, about business, the happenings getting butts in the doors figuring out the combination to the comments box

and maybe working on some of those things a lot of people have been talking about shower pressure, but I keep on forgetting about it. You hear upstairs get absolutely blasted with water. It's too powerful? The problem is it's too much pressure. Wow. That was a blast.

And then you're here. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. And he comes butt naked barreling down the stairs with a tidal wave of water and out the door. All right. So that guy's gone. Honestly, thank God. Because he's terrible and he also tried to pay me in cabbage. I'm realizing I'm part of the problem.

Yeah. I'm part of the problem here. Yeah,'m part of the problem here with the bar. Yeah, you could give the problem. Yeah, you could improve. You could improve. Let me play more, man. I can really get us somewhere. I think I'm really close to it being a great show.

I could write a show. I could write a full show in a week. Give it, what do you want? A day? I could do it in a day. I can do anything. What do you need? I mean, just do do it in a day. I can do anything. What do you need? I mean, just do it. You literally pitched this

in your interview and then you tried to fart and you pooped your pants. Which we loved. Which we loved. It was insane and you said, whoops, well, I gambled and that's what happens when you gamble. Hey, and I'm a gambling man. Oh, yeah. Oh, we knew on the spot that you would fill out

the trio. And that's all we need is a trio. We just need the three of us, and we're going to be good to go. And that's what's making this bar run so smoothly. Just the three of us. Yeah, and any other addition would kind of just change it. Feng Shui, I think, is the right word. And Sean, you can cut out all the sounds I'm making here. Weird. I mean, three is a right word. And Sean, you can cut out all the sounds I'm making here. Weird. I mean, three is

a magic number. In a world where magic exists, that's really saying something. I mean, purely in just a democratic when we have a vote, there's no ties. Can you imagine if we had ties? Fourth person. I guess we'd have a tie

if we all agreed. Yeah, but that's called a consensus. And that's good. Or if we had three options, then we could tie. Oh, shit. Maybe we need a fourth. And just as you say that, the door swings open and chalice glass rushes in.

All of you immediately recognize that this is the princess of France. And Chalice, do you want to describe what you look like? Yeah. Wait, Waleed, how tall did you say you were? I'm six foot four. Okay. Chalice Glass is six foot four and a quarter inches.

And she's a young lady in her early 70s she seems to glide into a room in an ethereal way sort of as if she's like on wheelies you guys get it yeah i will be checking to see if she wears wheelies when she isn't wearing her late mother's precious crown on her head it shrinks down to the size of a ring that she wears on her right hand. Her posture and body language always reflects that she's trying to protect the ring, often clasping her hands one over the other. Her eyes are a dark green color, and the moment you look into them, you think, uh-oh, am I going to fall in love with her? Is this going to be a whole thing? She maybe even has the ability to cause a love triangle or a love square.

This is going to be a whole thing, so get ready. She has round cheeks and a sweet smile that says, I don't have any street smarts, but I'm a very positive and happy person. She's wearing a wedding dress that looks like Grace Kelly's wedding dress met a silver waterfall. It seems to be moving and melting into the ground only to begin again at the top. She also has a long, detailed veil that matches and seems to glow. Doesn't that sound pretty?

That's gorgeous. When I wrote that, I was like, wow, that sounds really beautiful, actually. She's holding several hat boxes like she's never held anything before in her life. Chalice, you enter Bottoms Up and you just did a Like a 20 mile ride

On horseback So Well what do you want to do? So she immediately Is like overtaken With how bad it smells In there And she walks right over

To the comment box And writes a comment That says It smells like pony piss In here And she puts it In the comment box She knows how to write?

She knows how to write? Yeah oh it's Everything is spelled Completely wrong But it it's in this gorgeous calligraphy. Not a lot of practical skills, but a lot of beautiful skills. And then she goes, hey. Hello. How can we be of service to you? How can we help you out?

So I'm going to stay here for a while. I've been writing a while, and it's starting to rain. So that's cool, right? Yes. Give me one second. I turn to Beef and Hugh Grant and I say, guys, pitch idea on the fly. You ready for this? Yeah, no, we can do it.

Four hundred golden knights. Okay, I'm good for it. Totally. I don't have anything on me right now. I'll probably have to pay you back in a little bit. I just ran... This is going to sound crazy, and I know you're going to be really surprised, but I just ran away

from my own wedding. Was there a monster there or something? Were you fighting something? Sort of. Like a fire? Was there a big fire? Was the groom actually? Yeah, keep guessing. Okay, we'll keep guessing. What else could be? A portal to another plane?

A magical fire and livestock kept on running into the fire. They were possessed and they kept on running into the fire. You found out you were marrying your dad? Oh, so close! Whoa, really? You found out you were marrying your dog? No, further away.

Your dad was fighting... A dog. A dog. I'll just tell you. Okay, so I was supposed to marry my pervy brother. He's super weird. Because they were just trying to keep it in the family, trying to keep the power in the family.

But he's kind of like the worst villain ever, and if he ever finds where I am, maybe we're all kind of screwed. So I could just go upstairs and pick any room I want. Wait a second. Back up that truck. That badonkadonk. Yeah, hold that. Did you just say...

What did you just say? You could say that again, but slower. And then she leans over and just pats Beef twice on the head, just like a little tap, tap. She smells like a rose. Let me just take a sidebar with my friends once again. Hey, guys, pitch, pitch idea. Yeah, we're right here, right here.

Did you guys trust me 100%? No. Hostage! You're our hostage. You're our hostage. What's up? Wait, no, no, no. No. Yeah, she's royalty.

I grabbed some knives. Is this like you're not going anywhere? You're not our hostage. You're not our hostage. This is just a classic prank night at Bottoms Up. All right. So don't sit on any of the seats because they got porcupines on them. This is how we get the money. Chalice just like gently pushes them aside, goes back down to the comment box and starts scribbling away again

and then drops another comment in the comment box. You boys are very rude boys. Excuse me. Okay, write whatever you want, but you're our hostage, okay? And we're going to ransom you back to clearly you're the princess, right? Or something. I'm the princess, right? I'm more famous than all of you combined.

Oh. Okay? Wow. Okay, sweetheart. Oh. Okay, sweetheart. Okay, sweetheart. Wait, are you laughing? Did I just say, I said something funny?

Yeah. Yeah, you said something quite hilarious, actually. Yeah, I'm the most famous person in this land, kind of. Yeah, and I'm the second most famous person in this land. And I'm just here to hang out. Just then, the patron who got blasted out of the bar with a huge water stream comes back naked and goes, oh, Princess Chalice. And he bows deep. And then he finishes his bow by becoming erect again.

But not in the way you sickos are thinking of it. He just stands up. He just stands up straight, right? He just stands up straight. But he covers himself. And then he turns completely bright red and goes, Oh, my princess, please forgive me and forgive my naked self. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. You're the most famous person in the land.

Can I borrow clothes from one of you two normal people? Yeah, here, you can have my horn. And I pluck the horn off of my little wiener. It makes a little sound like... I go to hand it to him. You hand it to him, he covers himself with it, and then you faintly hear the opening horn sounds to Jason Derulo's trumpets.

Yay! As he goes up the stairs. But he excuses himself. Well, this has been fascinating. I just, like, I never really got to see how the other half lives, and this is hilarious. So I will be your hostage or whatever, but I have a couple of conditions.

Number one, I get to do whatever I want. Number two, I get a cut of the money. I get 80%, you get 20. Yeah, that we can do for sure. No. Okay. If she takes 80%, that also means any debts she has to take on 80% of. Okay?

Yeah, 80% sounds fine. Really? Okay. My third condition is whatever you do, no one fall in love with me. Yeah. Here's the thing about condition three. It's a vice versa. It's a both ways type of thing.

You don't fall in love with my ass. Who would I fall in love with? You don't fall in love with me. You don't fall in love with beef. Okay. Yeah, honestly, and I start gyrating a bit. Honestly, it's going to be hard for you to follow your own rules when you're looking at this

and I've heard that sometimes people really like married men like myself all I'm saying I just don't know much but I do know that two of you are best friends and then there's a third and I think it would really ruin your friendship if all or any of you fell in love with me that's rude to say to Bastion.

Oh, by the way, I'm Chalice. I'm Sebastian von Hugh Grant. I'm Chip Ahoy. And I'm Beef. And with that, three guards. They are guards from the kingdom. Chalice, you would recognize them. They are dressed as, you know, common guards or soldiers come barreling into Bottoms Up.

And one of them holds up a piece of parchment in his hand and yells, Princess Chalice, you need to return with us to Castle Castopolis at once. This is this isn't her. What? This is not her. I'd like to try and say that this isn't her. OK, roll for deception. All right. I roll a say that this isn't her. Okay. Roll for deception. All right. I roll a 17.

It doesn't work. They know her. They're guards. For a second, they do like a double take. They're like, well, she's, I guess there could be someone who looks like her. Like, no, she's wearing the wedding dress that she was supposed to wear for the wedding. That's, we know what she, that's her. That's her, you idiots. Now, princess, come with us and return to wear for the wedding. That's, we know what she, that's her. That's her, you idiots.

Now, princess, come with us and return to Castle Castopolis. Stop this foolishness. Can I do a sidebar with you three? What is your name? Hot dog, crab, and chet? Close enough. It is chip, though. Chip A. Hoyne, you should know me.

I am famous. Yeah, and I'm beef, second famous. Yeah, crab is cool. I think you might need to fight them. We'll need like some collateral or something. Can we like have that ring or something? I'll give you my shoe. Let's see the shoe.

Does it have wheels on it? It doesn't have wheels at the bottom. Mike, this one shoe, it's glass. I left the other one on the stairs of the palace, but this one is glass and is worth like probably a lot of money. So like, what's it taste like?

What's it taste like? Hot dog. I'm going to lick it. Hey guards, you want to see some nuts? Uh, kinda. I'm going to lick this shoe.

Please don't. You're going to be smudged. You're making it less money. Listen, I'm about to lick it. You weren't licking it yet? You weren't licking it. No, I'm about to lick it. All right, this is getting weird.

Princess Chalice, if you don't want to come with us, we were prepared and we were instructed. If you do not comply, you have to sign this piece of parchment. Oh, so we didn't even have to find them. No, well, maybe. Hold on. Can I just do a sidebar with them really quick? Hey, guys, and your names are obviously...

Well, Jonathan, Taylor, and Thomas. Yes, of course. So, Jonathan, Taylor, Thomas. What's this paper say? Well, we can't really read, but, uh, here you go. And they hand it over, and when you read it, you hear your brother's voice. Dearest sister. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Jinx! Jinx! Excuse me! I have the forethought that I'm being interrupted as you read this. Shit, he knows me so well. By signing this document, you are hereby renouncing your title of princess and are therefore cut off from any and all royal funds until you return to the castle and accept me as your prince, your brother, and your strong but gentle lover. Yours truly, Prince Milk Nip. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh man. So Chalice is like reading the paper and then looks back at the three guys and then reads the paper and looks back at the three guys. And then she signs it and hands it back to the guards and then walks back over and can i roll for like deception sure sure sure 16 plus 5 because

i have plus 5 a deception so 21 well yeah what just happened what was that what did so what did say oh it was this like dumb little thing oh that's. What do you think it said? Me? What I think? It could have said anything. It could have been anything like a grocery list or a thank you card. Yeah, it was a birthday card. It was a birthday card. Oh, that's nice. It's nice to think of others. Princess Chalice.

Princess Chalice. Yes. So you just signed this document that hereby What are you doing? Princess Chalice. So you just signed this document that hereby... What are you doing? Princess Chalice. Why am I saying Princess Chalice? You have renounced being a princess.

You are no longer a princess. Wait, what? Here's the deal. You renounced all royal funds, and that includes that diamond tiara you're wearing right now. So why don't you hand that over? Wait, I'm starting to think this isn't a birthday card at all. Wait, whose birthday is it then?

Beef, is it your birthday? Wait a second. You guys, today is my birthday. Oh, Beef. We're going to do something special tonight. We're going to eat like a... We'll eat some eggs or something.

That would be nice but yeah let's let's let's help her out i promise i'm good for it i'll make it up to you i'll work here every day what do people do when they work i'll like rub the floor it sounds like i mean to me to me as somebody who is a fabled hero i kind of know my way around these sorts of situations who is this guy yeah Yeah, I think maybe we'll help you, but it sounds like you were going to give the tiara up to them, so instead you can give that tiara up to us. We can sell it for...

Oh, that's easy. No, I don't want to sell it to anyone. I'm telling you, trust me. Trust me. I will work here. I will work here until I can get you the money. Any money you need. Name a number. Eight. Not enough. That's not enough.

Eight times six hundred. Princess, this is Thomas speaking of Jonathan and Taylor and Thomas. You will not have access to the castle unless you are coming back to marry Prince Milknip. Hostage. Hostage. I point and I say hostage

to them. Hostage. Are you telling I point and I say hostage to them. Hostage. Are you telling us we're hostages? And then I attack. Yes. Yay. Let's go. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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To give you some idea of what the situation is, right? You've got three guards here, Jonathan, Taylor, and Thomas. And one of them is pretty big, like a big guy. The next guy, pretty small. And the third guy is just right. But they all, they know what they're doing with his spear.

And that's what they're all carrying. They each have one spear. You guys are kind of facing them from across the bar. There's about 15 feet between the two groups. Okay. I want Chalice. Can she do her firebolt attack? facing them from across the bar. There's about 15 feet between the two groups. Okay.

I want Chalice. Can she do her firebolt attack? It has a range of 120 feet. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Why don't you roll a d20 to see if it hits? 20. And then do I do a plus something?

No, you don't even have to. Yeah, you don't have to at all. That'll hit. Wow, the first... That's a good sign for this podcast yeah is the first attack rolls a nat 20 that's exciting it's exciting is it because i finally got it to go to the right screen and then the first thing it always rolls is a 20 so people like this website use our website guaranteed first 10 rolls natural 20s can you read the description of that spell you hurl a mote of fire at a creature object within range on a hit the target takes a 1d10 fire damage a flammable object hit by the spell ignites if it isn't being

worn or carried so who are you aiming at? I'm going to aim, hmm, since that seems pretty powerful, I want to aim at one that is the biggest one, Jonathan. Why don't you roll for damage a D10?

Four. Okay, so since you rolled a natural 20, the damage is doubled. So it actually does eight damage. Ooh. Ooh. To Jonathan, who explodes in a ball of flame. It goes, holy shit.

It envelops him. Taylor and Thomas are both like, Jonathan, screaming because it looks like he might be fucking dead. You know, that was a pretty serious blow you just did to this guy. And he might be dead. You're not even you're not sure yet he is either dead or close to it jonathan after exploding in that ball of flame near death looks at you with tears in his sunken dried eyes goes i watched your first steps oh jesus come on jonathan jonathan hey jonathan guys actually jonathan was a huge terrible pervert steps. Oh, Jesus. Come on, Jonathan. Jonathan. Hey, Jonathan. Guys, actually Jonathan was a huge, terrible pervert.

I don't know and feel bad that Jonathan said. This castle's filled with perverts. Lots of pervs in this castle. Why do you think I ran away? Was it perverted to change your diaper as a child? Why bring that up now? Why would you bring that up now?

That is kind of perverted., dude, you're dying. Just die. Just die. Also, Chalice, when you shot Firebolt and it hit Jonathan, there was still enough of beef's piss on the ground. And beef, I mean, we all know that beef went at it hard last night. So that piss is close to the consistency of motor oil, and it catches flame.

So now that section near the door, there's like a table that's put in the corner has caught fire. Uh-oh, piss fire. Piss fire. Piss fire. We got a piss fire. We got a piss fire.

You guys are talking like that's normal. Yeah. It happens a lot. Oh my God, I gotta get a raven to our insurance guy, Anthony. He's not going to be pleased about this. Yeah. We've had huge piss fires.

This isn't as big of a, this isn't as big of a piss fire we've had in the past. Yeah. And do not pour more piss on it. That's the trick with piss fires. Don't put more piss on it. It's just like a grease fire. Oh,

and then Chalice goes like, Oh, like maybe she was about to piss on it. It's just like a grease fire. And then Chalice goes like, oh, like maybe she was about to piss on it. Like, yeah, yeah. You said that just in time. I know, Chalice. That's usually the first instinct. But that's wrong. Don't pour piss on a piss fire.

I'm learning so much. Taylor looks up and goes, here's the smaller one. You monsters. She is small. What did you do to Jonathan? You know what, Princess Chalice? I mean, just Chalice, now I can punch you in the face, and I've wanted

to for quite some time! And Taylor sprints at Chalice with his spear and tries to jab her with the spear. This guy perv too? Yeah. Where's this guy stand on the perv scale? Yeah, jab her with the spear.

Okay. Oh, talk about a wreck. Yeah, that's all we needed. Perver. Taylor rolled an 18. Oh, perv. So that hits and that will do four damage. So he sticks you with the spear and tries to cut your side.

This is for Jonathan! Jonathan's alive though, right? He's just gonna lay in there. He hears you say that and he goes barely! Oh come on man. It's Chip's turn. Okay, I walk over to the barely alive Jonathan

and I take out my freaking battle axe, and I say, you may have seen her first steps, but I watched your last. And then I take a freaking swing at this guy. You're going to kill this guy in your bar? Yeah. Maybe his blood will put out the fire. This is fucking bottoms up, man. I did roll a 23.

Oh, no. You're going to fucking behead this guy. So that hits. What's your damage? Oh, we'll see. Eight. I mean, what happens to this guy? Dude, I'm telling you.

I look at him, I say. Once again, I said, did you not hear me before? I thought it was pretty clever. What are you doing? I'll leave. Somebody carry me out. Somebody carry me out. Yeah, you'll leave this freaking plane of existence.

Oh, no. This is dark. And I slice his head off. And I turn to the other two and I say, that's your fate if you don't leave immediately. Now it's Thomas's turn. That didn't work. I didn't intimidate them away. Jonathan's head flies to the air.

Thomas catches it. And Jonathan, in his last moments, his head goes, I was a huge pervert. What a weird thing to say right before death. Yeah, but you know, a real true hero would kill somebody that killed a bunch of kids. So let's just write that down for the history books. I'll write it in the book. Oh shit, Beef can't read. Chalice is writing down too many murders on the comment card.

The box. Thomas drops Jonathan's head and attacks Chip and goes now you actually killed Jonathan now you actually killed Jonathan nice

thanks I give her a wink and then I forget I forget that I can't fall in love with her he rolled a nat 20 so I forget. I forget that I can't fall in love with her. He rolled a nat 20. So he critted. I don't care. I don't care.

I'm lost. I'm lost in Chalice's eyes. I'm lost. I don't care. I don't care. Attack me. She just complimented me and it felt nice. Thomas yells, you killed my brother.

I don't know if that was clear before, but we're brothers. Now I'm going to kill you. He screams and stabs you. And it's the death of his brother drives the spear into you. And yeah, he rolled a natural 20. So this is a critical hit and unit loyalty if another member of this guy's unit or his brother takes damage since the beginning of this round he deals an additional 1d4 with his spear attack so what if chip dies he rolled so 14 damage. Okay. As I'm lost in Chalice's laugh, a stake drives through my chest and I collapse.

My eyes stay open, but I am no longer conscious. Oh my God. I saw this coming, so I'm looking up how I can heal people. Felt like maybe someone was about to get hurt. Chip, no! Remember when I said that no one would remember you when you're gone? I'll remember you. You said that to him?

In a moment of passion. It's Sebastian's turn. Very cool. I'm going to rush over to my friends, and I'm going to cast Cure Wounds. So that's instantaneous. That's touch. And so I'll cast that. And it's 1d8 plus 3.

Ooh, 8 plus 3. So 11 HP restored to you, Chip. Okay. I pop back up, and I say, so 11 HP restored to you, Chip. Okay. I pop back up and I say, you guys remember me? Chip! Chip! You guys, I think we should celebrate with some drinks. Beef, you're up.

I think we should celebrate with some drinks, guys. Let's get a round of shots. Is it over? It is 7.57 in the morning. Wow wow that happens in a very short amount of time holy shit we gotta open for breakfast in three minutes let's wrap this up we have a small piss fire you told that guy that breakfast started in 15 minutes, like an hour and a half ago. So much happened in such a short amount of time. Oh, fuck. That's funny. Listen, it's eight o'clock almost.

And you two and this head got to get out of here. Beef, they are fighting. People are dying. There's no talking away out of this. That's what Thomas screams at you you I will kill you, little man You're next No one's little here And he goes to smash his balls

No one's little here Do you want to smash him with a dagger? Beef hates little things Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm going to get him Can I just speed bag his balls? Yeah, it won't do as much damage okay yeah i'll dagger it then how about you speed dagger his balls yeah yeah yeah with a dagger it would almost look like you're jerking him off but it's a dagger i'm willing i'm willing i'm willing to uh go for it.

Okay, awesome. Roll a d20. Okay, that hits. Now roll your damage. So that does three damage to his balls. Hell yeah. The fire has now spread. Bottoms up is on fire in that corner, the entire corner. Ch chalice you are still where you were at the beginning of this fight facing off against uh taylor the small okay

so um i can do like a two weapon fighting as a bonus action so i want to start by uh i have like a little knife and then i also want to use my glass slipper to fight him. Awesome. And maybe I'll put the glass slipper back on and I'll do that first and try to impale him with the slipper. So you put it on and he goes, oh, it fits. Yeah, it's my shoe. Of course it fits. And then you kick him?

Yeah, in the face. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, I want to like impale, like, or maybe his neck, his neck. Go for the face. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, I want to like impale, or maybe his neck. His neck. Go for the neck. Okay, cool. So 14?

Mm-hmm. Okay, that'll hit. Now let's roll for the dagger. 20. Holy shit. Oh my God. I get proud. I'm going to take a picture every time I get one.

So basically, Erin, you're going to take a picture every time I catch one. So basically, Erin, you just kind of kill. You're going to kill Taylor. I think she is so like lost in the moment and kind of just angry that she doesn't even realize, like, register how small he is and how much damage she was about to do so i think she takes herself by surprise because she does a little like kick and then um just sort of does a not even with her full strength uh stab with her dagger and then when he stumbles back and they make eye contact she's like oh shit i killed him and she's never killed anyone before so she's like oh oh his last dying breath as he falls down to the ground. He goes, I was a big pervert. Yeah, you were terrible. You helped kill all those kids. Remember? Say it out loud to the group.

So now it is Chip's turn. Okay. The recently resurrected Chip. The only alive one left is Thomas, who the last thing he did was stab you through the chest. Okay. Well, I'm not happy. Honestly, I'm not happy about that. I'm going to grapple him to the ground.

I rolled a 15. You succeed. Nice. I grapple him to the ground and I say, hey, listen, buddy. Okay. If you don't want to end up like your brothers, you can just walk out of here. Okay. And you can let.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You can let the castle know that we got the princess hostage, and we want a ransom of... How much? Eight? Two.

No, no. Eight times 600, 4,800 gold if they ever want to see the princess live again. And I do look at Chalice, and I wink. I'm like, don't worry. And she looks behind her like he couldn't possibly be winking at me. Are you the smart one? You look like the dumb one. And I grapp behind her like he couldn't possibly be winking at me. Are you the smart one? You look like the dumb one. I look like the dumb one.

And I grapple him a little bit more. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Please just let me leave with my life.

I'll send whatever message you want. And a horse. We want a horse. I want some horses. Yeah. Get Beef a horse. I want a horse. Give me a horse.

Yeah. Get Beef a horse. It's just easier this way. Just give me the horse. want a horse. Give me a horse. Yeah, get Beef a horse. It's just easier this way. Just give me the horse. Just give me, give me the horse. Aren't you too small for a horse? Oh my God, get a small horse. Get him a pony.

Get a small horse. You said small? You seriously said small to Beef? Okay. You, mother. You're actually dead. I let him go. You're actually dead. I guess him go. You're actually dead.

I guess we could get you a miniature horse. No way. No way. Maybe you aren't surviving this. I don't think so. I push him. I push him towards B. And I go for it.

I open my mouth. I can't even watch this. I'm going to go handle the fire. I'm going to bite your fucking throat out, and then I'm going to serve it to your mom for breakfast. How about that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm going to go handle the fire. I'm going to bite your fucking throat out, and then I'm going to serve it to your mom for breakfast. How about that? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll go, I'll go.

So he books for the door. Bark, bark. I'm barking at him. Saying bark. Bark, bark. Get out of here. Get out of here. The door slams shut behind him as he sprints off crying.

And the gentleman guest from earlier, it's 801. Are the grits ready? I don't mean to disturb. No, they're not ready. We're putting out a fire. We're all putting out a fire. There is a piss fire right there. Hey, let me make them.

And looks over at her new friends and nods knowingly and goes over and makes what couldn't possibly be edible food. So proudly cooking for the first time in her entire life. She's roasting the grits over the piss fire. And just smiling and going like this, like'm doing it you're welcome everybody we're all smiling and nodding and where the boys look at each other and we're like yeah yeah yeah like no one's fallen in love with her yet right of course not yeah me out of here, man. Order up. I think that's a good place as any to end it. Yay.

This is the most fun. This is insane. This is really fun. um wanted to put together a squadron of the elite of the elite funniest people i freaking know from the improv community in chicago am i hyping you guys up too much yeah way too much hype we are not good i good. I can't deliver on this, dude. One time I did a show where there was five people in the crowd, and I said the show, and the three people said we're in the wrong room. So we did a show for two people.

And they did not enjoy it. So I just want everyone to know that's where I'm at. That's the energy I'll be coming with. I'm actively bad at improv. I'm aggressively bad. I'm not just like passively bad. Yeah, I'm not for everyone. I'll be the first to say that.

I'm the sour cream of improv, all right? You don't like it at first. I'm the Laura Bars of improv. You don't like it, but in the moment, when you really need it, it's going to taste great. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and meself, Sean Coyle. Our theme song was written by the one and only Arnie Parrott, and I edited this bad boy. Thanks so much for listening to our very first episode. We're really excited about this project,

and it's been in the works actually for over a year. So we're really excited to finally be able to start sharing it with you all. We're very stoked to hear what y'all think about it, and we're stoked for what's in store for the rest of the season. If you'd like to stay up on all that jazz and find out what we've got in store and all the cool guests that we have coming up you can follow us on insta and twitter and our handle for that is sitcom dnd that's sitcom and then the letters d n is in nut and d if you enjoyed our first episode

and you're already hungry for more we've got got you. You can head to our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D where we'll be releasing a bonus episode every week. Stuff like real play one shots that take place in other TV genres, long form improv sets, get to know you happy hours, bad sitcom improv where we discuss reviews for some of the worst sitcoms of all time and then perform our version of what we think the pilot episode was like. Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-universe dating advice show

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then consider signing up. If you can't afford to support the show financially, you can still help us by rating and reviewing the show wherever you get your podcasts. They tell me that this is important. So please and thank you. I think that about wraps it up for now. Thank you so much for listening

and stay tuned for next week's episode. Bye. That was a Hate Gum podcast.