SitcomD&D - S1 E10: The Hook-Handed Strangler

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

It is a dark and stormy night, and inside Bottom's Up it's a good old-fashioned slumber party. This episode has it all. Scary stories, Truth or Dare, 7 Minutes in Heaven, and even some paranormal activity, you know typical slumber party stuff. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Link to Sean's Comic Book Kickstarter: Skyless #2 Link to Erin's Other Podcast's Patreon: Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Aaron recently asked me, what's the best Disney song to replace any word with the word but? Wait, before you tell them what you said, have them think of what their favorite. Yes, good idea. Wait, what? So we get to replace any word?

Do we have to replace one word with butt? Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, so any lyric in any Disney song, you can replace one word with the word butt. Oh, under the sea. So it'd be under the butt. There you go. A very good one.

Go on and kiss the butt. Go on and kiss the butt. Go on and kiss the butt. I mean, a whole new butt feels... That's what Sean did. I think that's the winner. That feels good to me. I can show you my butt. Shining,

shimmering, splendid. Take you over and under. Disgusting. That's pretty good that's good i'm glad you say aaron i don't i think i said under the sea first i must have nice yeah now where it's better down where it's take it from me oh that's good it's pretty damn good. What about the beginning of Beauty and the Beast? Instead of saying bonjour, they say what? Do you see both French cartoons coming out of windows? Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt.

Cute little butts everywhere. Yeah, that wins. Yeah, that does win. You're right. Oh, wow. We messed up. Well done. We're ready to record another episode of Sitcom D&D.

Woo! Yeah! Woo! Woo! We're excited. We took a couple weeks off, so everyone's excited to see each other and to get back into it.

This episode takes place at Bottoms Up. Classic. And it's a pretty regular night, but it's a slow night. And you're all gathered around the bar, kind of just trying to pass the time because you're bored as hell. And in order to pass the time, you're sitting around telling some ghost stories. Uh-oh. That's actually where we're going to pick up right now. So in order to get started, I think you all know where I'm going with this.

I think we all forget every time. I honestly forgot. What do you mean you know where we're going with this? Where are we getting started? Okay, well, fucking quiet on set. Oh, jeez. Quiet on set. Oh, God.

Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! Dice! Dice! Ooh, I like this. That was cute. Everybody was cute that time. When you need a break from this crazy world

To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step-by- step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different

worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass All our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney.

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. and he had my hand in the clutches of his mouth and i was staring straight into his beady red eyes and i said let me go and his demon eyes his little demon rad eyes said will i let you go. You're mine. I just want to say, Beef, that this has really been offensive to me the whole time. I was thinking the exact same thing. Oh, my God.

That was crazy. Jennifer was here the whole time. Rats don't talk like that. Well, this rat did. This fucking rat did. How big was this rat? It was yay high. That was not a rat, Beef.

That could not possibly be a rat. That's ten times taller than you. Well, it was fat like a rat. I'm a little concerned this is maybe a member of your pig family? Is that possible? You did say it oinked several times. Okay, fine. I think it was my

brother, I think. I think it was my brother. Oh my god. We were fighting over who got to eat the last piece of the grub. That's no problem, Beef. People embellish ghost stories and spooky stories all the time. Yeah, that's okay. And aside from the obvious prejudice,

it was pretty good. I just wanted to be a part of the story, you know. I just kind of started naming things I saw on the bar. Sorry, Jennifer. It's okay. I forgive you. Well, if you want a scary story that's

not been embellished... Ah! Who are you? You look over to the left. You can't keep getting scared. You've seen me. Why do you keep getting scared? You saw me? That's how you do it. You look to the left and the only other patron in the bar is the choreographer

from episode four holy shit the guy with the big legs big game about this guy never coming back again thank god i listened to this episode yesterday so if you recall recall, when you first met him, he had two peg legs. When you saw him at the end of the episode, he had a peg arm as well. Right. And wouldn't you know it, he's got two peg legs

and two peg arms at this point. Yeah. Well, there's a story there. Can't wait to hear it. You okay? How you doing, man? Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Stop that! Stop it! Do you need us to open that can for you? Oh, I'm about to open up a whole can of whoop-ass in story form on you if you think you're ready.

Okay. Well, I don't know how you're gonna top my story but yeah go ahead are you sure you're ready to hear this story yes i never get yeah we're a bunch of we're a bunch of like valiant heroes like we can't handle a freaking ghost story give me a break only thing that scares me are statistics. Fact. 51% of carriage accidents end in three deaths. Yeah, that's true. Oh my god, is that

true? According to the Carriage Institute. Ah! Yeah, see? Spooky. So you've agreed to hear this tale. Yeah, we can handle it. it relax you start to hear his legs

start to do that drum roll again and he rockets up licks the ceiling again comes back lightning strikes all of a sudden out of nowhere he goes 666 years ago at this very spot at an establishment very much like this one the hook-handed strangler made a name for himself Thunder Lightning Thunder Lightning it was a night

kind of exactly just like this with friends, kind of exactly just like you there was a pretty princess yes funny you should talk then there was a pretty princess a kind of a big strong dumb idiot guy oh it's gotta be beef is that oh like just like beef so sorry seb oh i was looking dead in your eyes. I believe it's Chap. My name is Chip, and I'm a hero, and that's why this story isn't going to scare me. Okay? I'm a famous hero, actually.

A neurotic analytic owner. Oh, fuck. All right. Yep. My ass is sweating. My ass is officially sweating. Oh, please, please. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

Beef gets a good one. Beef gets a good one. Beef gets a good one. And a little wild card lump of raw, unadulterated sex appears. Yes! I wouldn't go cheering. I don't think it ends very well for this particular individual. My ass

is unofficially sweating. I won't either confirm or deny my ass sweating. I'm officially pulling over here. I'm pulling. It is. My ass is also sweating, but that's just normal. Yeah, you wake up and you say that's just your thing. All right.

Yeah, it's part of my vibe. Okay, I'm leaning into it. I don't want to fight. Let's just listen to the man's story. You're right. I grab Seb's hand and i hold it because i can tell that he's concerned thunder lightning thunder now these four had a very normal day at the bar and were getting ready to call it a night when they heard a strange sound

at the door the sound of metal digging into hard wood they ran the door, but all they found was a fresh, deep gash in the outside of the door. Oh, property damage. The kind of gash a hook makes. Oh, God. Throughout the night, they continued to hear similar sounds and found more scratches and more things,

and they kept seeing the shadow of a man with a stovepipe hat and black baggy robes prowling in the dark. Multiple robes? Just go confront the guy. Just go talk to him. Oh! Thunder lightning, thunder lightning.

Would you want to know the scariest part? Yes! In the morning they woke up dead. Oh, God, but what about the property? What about the property? They woke up dead? How'd they wake up? They woke up as ghosts, duh.

They had been strangled in their sleep by the hook-handed strangler. How do you get strangled with a hook? Isn't it more like a slasher? Thunder lightning, thunder lightning, thunder lightning, thunder lightning, thunder lightning. It must have been a big hook. Like one of those comedic, like pull-you-off-the-stage type hooks. The one we use with beef. That's a cane.

Yeah, that's a cane. This guy's a cane hand? Well, if you put two hooks. It has to be a big hook. Or two hooks together and you pull different ways. It doesn't make them bigger. It doesn't make them bigger. It doesn't make them neck-sized. Oh, these were.

Your story is disintegrating. It's turning into dust in my hands. Yeah. Well, it gets worse. When the king's men came to inspect the scene, the only evidence they found was a note clawed into the floorboards. Quote, I'll be back again in 666 years to the day.

Wait, what? When you started your story, you said this was how many years ago? 666 years ago. So that means... I do remember that. Today is the 15th, right? Yeah. Yes, then today, Today. Thank God.

Oh, God. Huh. That's probably just coincidence. It's fine. Bad story. Yeah, I agree. Aside from the property damage, it wasn't even that graphic.

Come on. No, you guys were scared, right? No. No. Look at me. I'm picking my nose. I'm also a little, I'm doubtful that they would have kept track of days 666 years ago. So who knows if today's actually the day. Yeah, man.

Fat chance. Your story has zero rats in it. So why would I be scared? Honestly, I thought it was pretty romantic. It had zero rats in it, so why would I be scared? Honestly, I thought it was pretty romantic. I thought it was actually more sweet than scary. Whatever, man. Yeah, they were all happy ghosts at the end.

That sounds nice. We get to live forever as friends. You didn't think my story was... Okay, you know what? Whatever. You don't want to heed my advice. I think you should get out of here tonight, honestly, if I were you. I know I'm certain. I was supposed to stay the night, and I've already paid for it.

But once I remembered it was 660 years to the day. 666. What did I say? You said 660. 666. So we have a week? Thunderlightning, thunderlightning, thunderlightning. I think we have six years. We have six years.

You know what, man? If you weren't comfortable in this space, you wouldn't have licked the ceiling. Yeah, you come on in here and you get so comfortable. Bean has never even licked that ceiling. I'd be comfortable in your tavern. Also, the way that you introduce this problem, which you are treating like a real genuine problem, is you introduce it as a ghost story, which are famously false and fiction. We just said that people embellish stories like this. And then remember I said that thing about you want to hear one that's not embellished?

I did that, that whole thing. I guess you prefaced it. Okay. You know what? Don't heed my advice. Get strangled to death by the hook-handed strangler. I don't care. He's got canes for hands. Yeah.

I'm scared of stranglers. Suit yourselves. You all wake up dead. And yes, that's a real thing. You all wake up dead. I hope you, well, I hope you do. Whoa. Okay. Whoa.

I think somebody's had a little too much to drink. All right. There's the door. And he heads out to the door. But remember, he's so much less graceful walking than he is dancing. And so he's kind of on all four pegs getting out of there and the next time you come back tell us how you lost your arms i thought he was gonna tell that story yeah that would have been that would have been real i'm gonna sleep in his bed tonight

he said he paid i'm just letting everyone know where I'm going to sleep tonight Seb did he actually pay or did he just zoom out of here he wrote me this check that is in my pocket let me pull it out that is 11 candy wrappers yep no he did not pay well shoot now I have to sleep on my bed

yeah it's getting late we should probably turn in well if y'all are going to go to bed, I guess little old me will go to bed too by myself. Sounds great. All right. Yeah, we'll be across the hall. And we cut to it's the middle of the night.

Everyone's already gone to bed. But Chip, you wake up and you're a little bit parched. Man, I got to go grab a drink. I wasn't sleeping outside your door. And I wasn't sleeping at the bottom of your door like a dog. I must have been sleepwalking. I wasn't scared. Yeah.

Okay. I was going to grab a drink. I'll go with you just in case. Yeah, it's a little dark downstairs. So I'll just... Don't worry going to get a drink. I'll go with you, just in case. Yeah, it's a little dark downstairs, so I'll just... Don't worry, I got a light. If you wouldn't mind helping me not trip. I already have a light. Oh, Seb, you're up too.

Seb, you're up. Yeah, I've just been waiting in the dark. I just didn't... Somebody had to stay watch, you know what I mean? Oh, okay. I was standing watch. We don't usually do that though well i mean i'm trying a bunch of new things to save the bar you know my typical ooh penny pennies

oh yeah that's a good idea i i woke up because i my mouth was a little dry because i had like this weird dream about um about water and never mind mind. It doesn't matter. Let's just, uh... If I didn't know any better, I'd say maybe you guys are scared. Oh, my God. Chalice, chalice, chalice. I'm a freaking hero. Okay, I've slayed a dragon. You guys are holding hands.

I can see you holding hands. Well, yeah, that was from earlier. Yeah. And we kind of just didn't stop. Hey, guys, are you holding hands? Are you guys holding hands? Are you guys hanging out? That's what I meant to say. No, that was from earlier. Yeah. And we kind of just didn't stop. Hey, guys, are you holding hands? Are you guys holding hands? Are you guys hanging out? That's what I meant to say.

I meant to say, are you guys holding hands? No, we're holding hands. If you're up to. Are you guys holding hands without me? You can change that right now, all right? Cup it. I wanted to come out with a white sheet over me. Not trying to scare them, but I want to be wearing a white sheet when I come out of my room.

I notice after this conversation that you have this white sheet on. Oh, God. Those hate fire. Let's light it on fire. Come on, guys. No, guys. It's me.. Let's light it on fire. Come on, guys. No, guys, it's me. It's Beef. Beef woke up dead.

All right, let's light it on fire. Let's light it on fire. No, no, I'm alive. I'm alive. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, fine. You don't have any eye holes for now. I'll say it.

I'll say it. I'll say it. I think we're all a little bit freaked out. I think we're all a little scared. I haven't been able to sleep. I've been sleeping on the outside of your door. I'm scared. Okay?

I'm scared. I'll say it. Okay. I'll admit that maybe some of us are scared. Okay? Could be three of us. Could be four of us. But I think it's probably just better if we all stick together.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We should all stick together. I cup hands with everybody. I try and grab everybody's hand. Hey, what the heck? Are you guys holding hands without me?

Oh, my God. It's Jennifer. It's the rat from the Prejudice story. Jennifer, I think, is wearing a Scrooge nightgown with a little cap, and she has a tiny little rat candle. You guys are holding hands without me. Keep your jaws away from our hands. See, this is the problem

with telling stories with stereotypes in them. Not all rats are scary. I'm learning my lessons as I go. I'm really kind of freaked out after the last story. Can I hang out with you guys? Sure. Jennifer, sorry, we just go. I'm really kind of freaked out after the last story. Can I hang out with you guys? Sure.

Jennifer, sorry, we just forget. We can't quite tell if you're equal parts of this. It seems like we're kind of a four, but you are also here a lot. We're just trying to figure out what this is. Week by week. You're going to put that on me? Every week I'm trying to be a part of your phone.

Yeah, you didn't. Every week. Jennifer. Jennifer, you didn't make the poster, so it's pretty obvious. I didn't make the cut. Listen, we're learning our lessons as we go, okay? We're learning our lessons as we go. Well, I really can't sleep.

So can I just hang out with you guys? Yeah, you know what, guys? This will remedy us. Let's all go down. This is what we used to do at the pig tribe when we were all distressed. We would warm up some milk. So we got some milk downstairs. We can warm up and maybe we could tell some sweet, cute stories. Yeah, what if we, everyone, bring your mattress, Beef, bring your hay bale downstairs.

Well, I'll put them in a circle. We'll light as many lights as we can. We'll drink some warm milk and we'll hang out. It sounds a lot like, well, with my family, what we call it is a can't slumber party. If you can't slumber, you can't sleep. You throw a little party because everyone's awake that's so cute jennifer yeah i'm one of the five yeah so if you could just go ahead and get into the kitchen and make us some stuff oh my god to eat and drink that'd be great

oh my god holy hell i'm excited guys okay so it is full-on slumber party time and you guys have actually built a huge blanket fort that encompasses the entire main bar certain areas you can stand in but others you have to sit or crawl through so you are in blanket fort non-slumber party transformation bottoms up and we, we see like a montage of you guys doing some fun slumber party things. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

You know what, Jennifer? I don't think this really counts because we could use, you're just super light. It's working, it's working. You are just kind of light as a feather thank you it's so sweet there's a little like a line of y'all braiding each other's hair chip is tying knots in chalice's hair because he doesn't know how to braid and chalice is braiding beef's chest hair beef you're gonna look like a princess i can't wait am i gonna look just like you? You're so beautiful.

Yeah, beef. Chip, how's it going back there? Chalice, I'm a little worried you're not going to look anything like a princess anymore. What are you doing back there? I appreciate your honesty.

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I even have a ponytail, but I just kind of let it flow. Seb, what are you braiding? I'm not braiding. Beef has just been

eating my hair. It just has all of my hair in its mouth right now wait beef is doing it he's braiding with his tongue and then we see you guys uh cooking some s'moresores over a little fire inside Bottoms Up. And the camera pans over and beef is urinating into it. You can see that it is a piss fire that you're cooking over. I swear this will keep the fire going longer than we want. So this is good. Well, back to my seminar.

All right. So accounts receivable means that, that say a vendor hasn't paid us necessarily but we take it on a uh we take that they are going to pay us within zero to 30 days and how are we keeping track of that seb i guess is my big question like okay so let's get back to the graphic over here see figure four that's the chalice nods understandingly to everyone and as they their eyes start to droop and it's helping everyone get calm and fall asleep because it's so boring and then we pan around to a different section of the blanket fort y'all are in um a circle now and you are playing

truth or dare okay beef truth or dare. Okay, okay, okay. Easy. I dare you to show us one thing that you've hidden around this place. Walk over to its hiding spot and show us what treasure. I know you constantly are burrowing things away and bottoms up. Show us one of your secrets. As he taps his lips with the tips of his fingers. What should I show my friends first? And he starts walking over to the bar.

Well, nobody's noticed that half of these bottles are filled with my piss. What? What's the other half? Half of these bottles are filled with my piss. What? What's the other half? Half of these bottles are filled with my piss. Why are you saying it like it's a riddle? Yeah, I keep on not saying anything because I think you're

about to sing a song or something like that. Alright, Chalice, truth or dare? Truth. So I can ask you a question and you have to tell me the truth? Yeah, we went over the rules. Yeah, those are the rules. What is this guy doing?

You've been playing for 35 minutes. Yeah, Jennifer. So, Chalice, who do you think could eat a pepperoni pizza fastest? Oh, I love that question. And that's really hard. And that's what I was going to ask. I was going to ask that too. You got to let go of Jennifer, Chip. I don't think she can breathe.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, my God. I almost fell asleep, though, so that was nice. Well, of everyone here, I think, well, normally the easy answer is beef, because beef can do that thing where he unhinges his jaw and has a pizza in one bite.

But I think Seb could eat a pizza the fastest, because when Seb is working and he's stressed, he stress eats very, very quickly. Chels, can you remind me of something? Does pizza have cheese? Yeah. Then I could probably eat it the fastest. I can eat cheese super fast. Oh, I thought that was mice.

Oh my god, this is another stereotype about race. We're so sorry. This is so messed up. What do rats eat? Cheese. And mice? We don't eat mice. I'm confused. I thought that's what you were saying, too.

All this cheese talk. Please, someone order a cheese. Yes, and I will win because I am stressed as hell because the account's receivable. We got a lot past 90 plus days and I'm going to have to turn them over to collection. Not great. But Chalice i you didn't you didn't say like what about me in relation to pizza like what do you what do you think i would do in like relation to yeah i wasn't even thinking what

do you think of me um yeah what do you think what do you think of me oh okay uh chip truth or dare? Oh, I guess dare. I guess a dare. What do you want me to do? I'd like you to drink one of my piss bottles. Oh. Oh. Yeah, I bet you're really fast at that. You probably could.

You could probably drink it faster than beef. Beef can unhinge its jaw, but you can drink piss real fast. It's weird and cool to see Seb having fun. Little piss sipper. Yeah. Little piss sipper. I'm going to throw you in the snow. Here, I'll make it a little easier for you.

You get to pick whatever bottle you want. And I told you, half of these bottles are filled with my piss. Piss roulette. I guess I'm just... I picked the smallest bottle hoping that it's not piss. And if it is piss, at least it's still small. Piss roulette. You should roll a d20.

And if it's higher than a 10, then it's not piss. Piss roulette. It is piss. Piss roulette you should roll a d20 and if it's higher than a 10 then it's not piss and if it's lower than a 10 it is piss am i adding anything no it's a true 50 50 it's not it's a no so as soon as it touches your lips you know that it's piss but it's up to you how you're gonna react okay i i'm gonna try and pretend that it's not piss just in case just in case i don't know we play like a spin the bottle later or we play anything related to kissing or anything. Yeah. Oh, yummy. Oh my God. It's a tiny,

it's just apple juice. It's piss. It's my piss. Oh my. Yeah. He's for sure drinking my piss. Yeah. I mean, it is potent.

You can smell it from here. It smells like, oh my God, I thought the smaller bottle would be less bad, but it's just more concentrated. I'm always convinced that that little bottle was like a perfume of concentrated piss. That's what it was.

Yeah. It's exactly what it is. It's the same amount of piss as a big bottle. It was syrupy piss. Why is it so thick, beef? Yeah, what is going on with you? I don't know. You know, you don't give us benefits here so i don't have a i don't

have a ppo plan for health insurance all of a sudden you guys hear the sound of metal scratching deep into wood coming from the stairwell jennifer was that was that you that's a good one that's a good one we get it we get it it's not me Jennifer's been right here on my shoulder this whole time chalice grabs uh the s'more stick and sort of like stands at the ready. Bars closed. Bars closed. Just at that moment, you guys see what looks like a man in a stovepipe hat

and dark robes move past one of the outside windows. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. It requires a sacrifice. Sorry, Beef. All right, let's get you naked.

All right. No, no, Seb, Seb. That's just probably some, that's just some guy. Okay. That's just some guy. Okay. And I know earlier during the story, I said, why don't they just confront him? But I think we should just kind of like, let this guy go.

You know, just let him, just let him go. Okay. Yeah. Let's just do something else. Let's just do something else. Let's just make sure. Yeah. I think if we just ignore him

he'll go away and that metal scraping that was just just nothing I'm getting a little scared the bones of this place I'm getting a little scared I mean I have an idea for a game I have an idea for a game

it's stupid it's a dumb game it's a dumb game but It's a dumb game, but we, it kind of would be maybe fun. I love it. Let's hear it. You guys know heaven, right?

Not yet. The place. Yeah. Like the, yeah. Like the place. Well, what we do is we kind of,

um, well, two of us are going to like go, uh, there for like, Oh, seven minutes. And then,

uh, you can kind of do whatever you want to You're going to go to heaven? Yeah. But you're not dead. We'll shove you in a closet or something. Beef, you don't actually die. You don't actually go to heaven when you go in the closet. Oh, okay. I'll go

first. I'll go first. Yeah, Chip. Chip, do you want to go first? Yeah, you guys should go. Yeah, go in there and explain the rules. Well, I think... You want to go? I would love to go to heaven with you, Chip. Let's go.

No, I think... I think it could be... I think we'd pick based on height. You're not going to hurt Blake's feelings. Based on height. It's okay. I'll go to heaven with you if Chip doesn't want to go to heaven with you. Yeah, Chip's being real mean right now.

I got an idea. How about we all go to heaven? All right? Let's all go into heaven. All right? Yeah, fine. We all go together. Okay.

Oh, it's kind of tight in here. It's kind of fun. Yeah. Okay. So now what do we do? Well, when I used to play this when I was a little kid, I guess you could kiss each other or hand stuff or full-on banging each other or just a they if you don't like the other person

is this fun you guys having fun yeah it's nice to like be close with you guys chip you smell like really good oh wow okay I was a little worried I smell fully like this smell of beef's piss. That could be the case. Because you smell like good. Wouldn't be the first time someone said that. What did I say first? Did I say kiss first?

Why don't we just go around and do that? Why don't we just do that quick? Just get that out of the way. All right, just a peck. Okay. We all just kind of yeah we just kind of peck each other who kisses who first

are you all just kissing in the middle me and Seb are doing it for a little bit I'm going to need someone to pick me up anybody else so Chalice turns towards Chip and her hair kind of miraculously like falls out of its bun and sort of

gets blown by an unknown wind for a second. She tosses her hair back and seemingly moving in slow motion and she steps forward to give him a kiss but she steps on a rake that's in the closet and it flips up and hits her right in the face and gives her a little bit of a bloody nose.

Ooh! Ooh! Oh my god! and hits her right in the face and gives her a little bit of a bloody nose. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, my God. Oh, is it bad? It's bad. Yeah, yeah, it's really bad.

Are you asking if it's bad? Is it bad? Is it bad to you? I can't tell. It's dark in here. I'm like, no. Does it feel bad? Because it looks terrible.

You know what? I could feel your lips and tell you if it's bad. Oh, God. Based on the blood. It would be a creep. Yeah. Ew. Weird.

What the hell's wrong with you, man? She's bleeding. I can't believe I just kissed you like six times. Oh, my God. At that moment. I'm just trying to help. I'm just trying to help. Man, learn your lessons as you go.

At that moment, you hear that same sound of metal clawing deep into wood, except for it's just outside the closet door that you're currently in. Go away. Oh God. All right. Yeah. Go, go. Time for a second.

Yeah, go, go away. All right. Let's get away oil on you beef all right let's get you naked and covered in oil we gotta sacrifice you seb you're too quick to suggest that okay let's just grab everybody grab a weapon okay it's probably nothing i grab the rake so we can sacrifice beef that's yeah that's smart and then do you guys jump out with weapons yeah i'm holding the rake that hit Chalice. Sure. Why doesn't everyone roll for perception? A hot four.

12. 19. Ooh, 19 as well. Awesome. Okay, when you open the door, Chip and Chalice, you're both so flustered you don't notice too much. But Seb, oh, you look at the other side of the door of the closet and just outside that door that you guys were just in a hook is embedded

into the wood what is it it's a hook and then beef because you're lower to the ground and you can see pretty well in the dark what you notice is two little furry feet kind of running around the corner to get out of the way of the light. And it looks a lot like Jennifer's little butt. No. No. Beef, what? You guys know that I...

Is it bad? You guys, it's bad. It's bad. You're asking me if it's bad. It is bad. Guys, you know that my eyes are really super good in the dark, right? Like, you guys know that I'm really good at looking at... Yeah, we know that.

We know that. Yeah. I don't know if we're ready to hear this, but I think I saw Jennifer outside there. What? Has anyone seen Jennifer? No, she didn't come into heaven with us. She's the cane-handed man. Jennifer! Is. What? Has anyone seen Jennifer? She didn't come into heaven with us. She's the cane-handed man? Jennifer! Is that you?

Come on, Jin-Jin. Jennifer, where'd you go? Come here, Jennifer. Come back. Oh, man. Okay. Okay. She rounds the corner and she's kind of coming back a little defeated. It was me. It was me. I was trying to scare you guys. Oh, crap. I wanted this to go on longer. It was me. It was me. I was trying to scare you guys.

Oh, crap. I wanted this to go on longer. I'm sorry. We could have killed you by accident, Jennifer. Look at all the weapons we're holding. I just wanted to be one of the five. I wanted to be one of the five. Okay? I'm sorry. We can still have a great non-slumber party. I'm sorry. I was ready to kill Beef.

I was so ready to sacrifice Beef. Yeah, you were, man. We need to talk about that later. I'd like to put a... It's not my fault. It's Jennifer's. Let's turn it back. Let's go that way. Jennifer, I don't know if I... I don't know if I could get over this. I get it. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Here, I'll suggest another game.

We'll play... Let's do pillow fights. How about that? Alright, but I'm a little angry and I don't know if I should hit you with a pillow right now, Jennifer. Yeah, I'm kind of not in the mood for pillow fights because i might i might crush you oh bring it absolutely bring it okay we cut to everyone's got a pillow uh and they're in like different uh they're all like the like the main area of the blanket fort. And Jennifer goes, okay, in a pillow fight, things can get pretty intense.

So everyone go around the room and say one thing that they love about each other before this is war. I can start. Let's see. Somebody else go. Jennifer, for someone who really wants to be part of the four you don't

have a lot of nice things to say about us um i'll go first chip i love that you are very brave scoff wow um did you just say scoff yeah okay i guess i can go i guess chalice and she just said since you just said something nice about me i feel like obligated to wow you guys are keeping it really insulary huh not really spreading it out jennifer you just messed with us and pranked us hard and we're scared right now okay i'm not fully trusting of you right now that's the thing i don't like about you i can't remember my nice thing now. All right. Seb, you should be listening to our nice thing.

I can't do that because I'll forget my nice thing. What did Chalice just say? I don't know. I was thinking about my nice thing. Yeah, me too. So then what's the point of saying these nice things? I say we're done. Here we go.

Pillow fight! Everyone's running at each other already and about to swing their pillows. And then there's a knock at the door. We're closed. That's the pizza guy. Oh, yeah. We ordered pizza. Chip, you go answer the door since you're not scared oh yeah i'm yeah you're so brave i yeah i'm so brave i pick up the rake and i slowly saunter over to the door

and i chip before yeah hot before you answer that door i just want to tell you my one nice thing is I think that I get a lot done around here, despite all of you guys. Seb, I would be workshopping that. Okay. All right. Yep. Sorry. Okay. I saunter over and I put my hand on the knob and I twist it and I slowly open it.

Just the sliver. Just a pizza box size sliver vertical a vertical pizza box size sliver in the door and I say what's the password um I got your pizza oh yeah okay that was it uh I stick my hand through the door and I grab the pizza from him. Wait, so you open the door? It's as a jar as the height of a pizza box. Well, he's not sticking it through. Hey, pizza man. All right. Give me that freaking pizza. It's silent.

Do I see him? Well, you've only got it opened the height of a pizza box so you can only see out that angle and you don't see anything except the street what do you see chip what do you see i see nothing but the street due to the width of the adjournment of the door open it more man okay i i will now open it to the length of a pizza box the pizza guy's standing there with a pizza box in his hand but he's silent okay i uh i reached the rake forward and i i placed the rake underneath the pizza box i said drop it pizza it, pizza man. That's perfect. He just slowly falls forward.

Oh, no. Hits the ground like a sack of potatoes. Oh, no. There's a giant hook in his back. What? What? What is it? What the hell, Jennifer?

I slam the door. And then I go, oh, no. And I open the door again, quickly grab the pizza and slam it again. What the hell, Jennifer? My back's up against the door. Oh my God. What the heck? Pizza man is dead.

Pizza man is dead. I've been, this time I was actually here the whole time. That other time when Beef said I was on his shoulder, I replaced myself with a pepper grinder. But this time you guys know I've been here the whole time. I haven't moved. Huh? chip okay get away from that door okay but lock it first okay which one I don't know follow your heart I I can't decide whether or not I choose to lock the door I make the right right decision. I lock the door and I walk towards my friends.

Guys, he had a hook in his back, either a hook or a cane. One of the two. Well, the good news is if it's in his back, the guy with the hook doesn't have it anymore, right? He's out of hook. That's true. Also, we have to remember that the guy who is the hook handed killer, he strangled people, not hooked them in the back.

So maybe this is just a different guy. Maybe there's just two different murderers happening at the same time. Maybe that's a totally different guy. I've read a lot about murder and serial killers like have a pattern. Okay. Yeah, an M.O. An M.O. So it's obviously not the same guy because it's like.

Otherwise, this guy would be strength. This is a crime of passion. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's up? I have workshopped my nice thing. And what I want to say to you guys is each one of you have very thick ankles. And I think that makes you incredibly steady and sturdy. Maybe take three on that one.

Alright, sorry. What were we talking about? You need some more womanly charm in your life to soften you up. I've tried that. Says beef. From beef. Just

take a glass of beef. Just throw it out a suggestion maybe you should surround yourself with more feminine energy so you can soften yourself you got apple juice urine that you call your little love potion and you try to sell to people

and women are my kingdom I don't know what to tell ya in beefs defense that's some of the best smelling anything I've ever smelled. Eh? Yeah. The pheromones in Beef's piss, like, smelled sexy.

Yeah, you like it? Chip, my nose is bleeding. Just then, you hear the back door of Bottoms Up open. And a little bell rings. It means someone came in through the back way. Go away. And then you hear the sound of a hook scraping down through the back hallway headed towards the main bar.

Jennifer, where's Jennifer? Jennifer? I'm right here. I'm right here. Okay, you're not. Does that make things better or worse? Probably worse. I don't know.

There's probably two killers out here right now. I don't know. Everyone roll a D4. I got a one. Okay. Three. Chip got a three. Three.

Two. Seb got a three. And Beef got a two. And Jennifer got a two. So if you had the same number as someone, that means you guys stuck together and didn't panic or you everyone panicked and went different ways but if you have the same number of someone you ended up down the same tunnel as them in the blanket fort okay okay

jennifer roll jennifer rolled a two okay so jennifer and beef are running down a tunnel together a three was for chip and me and seb are holding hands as we go down this tunnel. I'm alone. Oh no. And Chalice is alone. Can I bring the rake? You can bring the rake. So everyone's now panicked, screaming, separated,

and running through these tunnels. And you can tell that the hook-handed strangler has now entered the tunnels and is chasing you. You said the tunnels of the bed fort, right? Yeah, the tunnels of the blanket fort. I'm going to roll to see which group he's coming after. Oh no, I'm scared. Who rolled one? No, it's me and the rake.

Oh my God, it's Chalice. No! It's her and the rake. Oh my God, it's Chalice. No! It's her and the rake. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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And so the hook handed strangler, you look behind you and there's just a bunch of dark robes, a stovepipe hat, and you see the gleaning of two hooks, very sharp, and it's like ten feet behind you in the tunnel. Ah! Jealous! Jealous! She's already dead. She's already dead, man. She's already dead. No! No! She can't be!

We just have to rebuild. We have to move on. I never told her! Where's the rake? Where's the rake? Where's the rake? Told her what? Oh, she's still screaming. She's alive. Never mind.

I just love these two hooks. Never mind, she's alive. What is she saying? I'll tell her later. Told her what? Chalice, we'll have you roll dexterity to see if you can get away. I rolled a one. You botched. Okay, so you're running, you're screaming, you drop the rake, and you are gutted. You're mortified as you continue to try to run, but in your next step, you step on the

rake, and it hits you right in the face and knocks you to the ground. Your lip starts bleeding again and you look behind you. Is it bad? Is it bad? Is it bad? Oh, God. Is it bad? Is it bad? We can't see you right now.

Is it bad? Where's the rake? We can't see you right now. Is it bad? Why me? Is it bad? You turn around and the strangler is coming up right on you, holds up its two hook hands. My name is Chalice Glass. I'm in my 70s and very, very young. I just really started living for the first time. I work at this bar. I've made three best friends. I never really had a friend before I thought I did when I was in the palace, but I didn't have any real friends and i've never truly been in love and i just i just started i and then in a voice that's so haunting

one of those super scary voices that sounds like hundreds of voices at the same time they go it's too late for you chalice hook hands go up and they start to come down but they accidentally step on the rake and it hits them in the face the robes fall off and it's 200 rats all standing on top of each other so you now know it's the kitchen rats it's your staff so um okay yeah we might not be really good to the people who work here. It's the kitchen. It's becoming really clear that we're not great. It's the kitchen rats. It's the kitchen rats.

Oh, man. All of them in unison. Wait, did you say bitchin' cats? A bitchin' cats? It's the kitchen rats, Seb. And then you guys all find each other in the tunnels and kind of reconvene as the rats are kind of disassembling in that big pile. Okay, kitchen rats.

Jennifer rounds the corner and goes, what happened, you guys? We had them. We had them convinced. Chalice, with one hand, is still holding her face. That's bloody. And she grabs a pillow and she hits Jennifer so hard like so hard she goes into the side of the wall yeah yeah she's a blur um can I

roll for yeah yeah a 20 a nat 20 okay roll roll for an unarmed strike. Roll for damage, and it's going to be doubled. Yep, Jennifer is dead. Okay, so I rolled a four. Times two is eight. Oh, that's a lot of damage. Okay, so. Dang. Dude, Jennifer's going to die. Ah!

Jennifer? What's her health? Jennifer is beyond winded, almost turned inside out. Whoa! Beyond winded, almost turned inside out. This was just a little jest because we work for you and you don't pay us. And I just wanted to be a part of the team. Jennifer, that's really sad.

I'm bleeding now. This is not a good way to become part of the four. Yeah, usually like a staff. You almost just killed me. Okay. I look over at the cane that controls all the rats and I start walking towards

it. Wait, wait, wait. Before you do that. What? What? I thought of my nice thing. Can I say it? I was just about to control these rats and make them make me a sandwich or something. Super sinister, Chip. Yeah. I'm pissed.

Not that I was scared. I wasn't even scared. I'm just kind of mad. I wasn't even actually even scared one time. Dude, you're not going to have any character arc at all through this thing. I almost died and you weren't scared. You don't worry about my character arc, Jennifer. At least I'm one of the main four.

Okay, let's all worry about our own character arc, Jennifer. At least I'm one of the main four. Okay, let's all worry. Let's all worry about our own character arc. Okay, Chip, all I'm saying is I almost died and you weren't even scared. That's not real bravery. Sorry, Sab, go ahead. Jennifer, I don't think you get all the credit that you're due.

And that goes for all of the kitchen rats. You guys really make everything happen here. And it's very much appreciated. And you're the reason why our accounts receivable from vendors is not super duper high and that we're able to pay the workers that we have and that our trial balances work out. And Jennifer, I appreciate you. Not only are you my friend, Jennifer, I appreciate you. Not only are you my friend, you're my number five, all right?

Wow. That was really... And then, Sab, you feel the cold steel of a hook from behind around your throat. And you guys all look up and see that behind Sab is the hook-handed strangler. Sab! Oh, my God! Oh my god, oh my god!

Help me! Seb! Help me! Seb, no! Is that the rats again? Use your thick ankles and save me. All the rats are just standing next to you, and they shake their head no.

And a few of them still have tears in their eyes from Seb's speech. Okay, now I sprint over to the cane that controls the rats. Okay. And I grab it and I use it to get the rats to attack this figure. They look at you and they see you grab a

staff and they just nod to you like, we're way ahead of you. You don't need to control us. And they sprint over there. I love it, Sean sean way less sinister very cool and they had as they're sprinting over you see another hook go around seb's throat and then they start doing that thing that was mentioned earlier where if you pull two hooks in different directions it starts to choke and so seb starts gasping for air. The rats run over. And then the hook-handed strangler with his top hat, his stovepipe hat, looks up and goes,

Scared yet? Ah! Ah! Oh, no! No, I'm not! I'm not scared! And then you hear, brrrr, vroom! And then you hear... And the hook-handed strangler shoots into the air.

The robes come off him, and he hits the ground in a split. It is the choreographer, all four peg appendages, out and about in glorious display. We're going to throw you right into the snow! Can I say, during all of that, I jumped into Chalice's arms like a baby. Like a baby? Yeah, I was, I bent in her arms

like a little baby. So, I'm screaming from her arms. You're a fucking lunatic! I'm a performer and a storyteller. You think I was simply going to walk away when you weren't scared by my story? No.

So that wasn't even, that wasn't a true story, right? No, I made it up and I wanted you to feel something. A true artist compels his audience to feel what he wants them to feel. In this case, fear. Yeah, I knew it wasn't, I knew it wasn't real the whole time, actually. Let's lock this guy in a trunk. Let's lock him in a trunk. What? No. Actually, I'm quite tired, so I'm going to head to my room that I definitely paid for.

No, these are candy wrappers. No, candy wrappers. The choreographer peg legs and rockets off up the stairs towards his room, leaving you guys just with the rats in your blanket fort stunned by the events that just took place what a night what the fuck what time is it shit we gotta we gotta open we gotta open in an hour god damn it oh gosh i didn't sleep at all

god damn it wait hold on one sec what the heck happened to pizza man oh yeah i walk over to the door and i open it the height of a pizza box and i check to see if uh he's still there so now you can see that the body with the hook in the back is still there and very dead i'll roll to like perceive or investigate yeah well right off the right off the bat, it wasn't strangled. It has a hook stabbed into its back. I know. That's what I was saying. That's how I knew it was fake.

And I actually knew it was fake the whole time anyway. And I wasn't even scared one time. And I did roll a 17. Okay. So you get closer and you discover that the body is none other than Jonathan, the spirit guard, who used to be just in the basement cellar kind of propped up as a dead body. And so the choreographer used him as a prop. Jonathan, how the heck you get up here? What is it?

What do you see? It's Jonathan, the spirit guard. What is he doing out there, that goofy son of a bitch? Somebody put a jacket on him. He's probably cold. I can't believe we were being pranked in tandem by the rats and the choreographer. Like, they weren't coordinating at all. I can believe it.

Yeah, that was kind of crazy but just another day in the life of the the um the fast five jennifer you don't get the button to this episode you're not a main character oh my god i'm so close you guys let's before we open we're back down to four i i have a scary story i haven't gotten to tell mine yet it started one evening with can i stay right here in your arms yeah of course it started one evening with four friends and one rat telling scary stories to each other just then thunder lightning, a man who used to have two peg legs but now has two peg arms too, who didn't tell us that story,

walks in and starts telling a story about four friends. I have no idea where this is going. The end. Okay, yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, that's us. Is that about us, the Fast Four? Yes.

Oh my God, what does it take? What does it take? Hey, everybody. This week on the Patreon, we take some quizzes to determine what characters on sitcoms we are. Somebody got Frasier, and you will truly never guess who.

Find this episode and way more over on the Patreon. That's patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. See you there. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song and I did the editing on this one.

Thanks so much for listening. To stay up to date on the show, you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D and D. Now for some plugs. Aaron is on another podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle, and they are close to their next Patreon stretch goal. Once they hit it, they'll be releasing a series of episodes taking place in a superhero universe and featuring a lot of really amazing guests. I, for one, am dying to listen to this. So if you haven't already, check out their Patreon as well. Link is in the show notes.

I'm also going to plug the Kickstarter for my fantasy sci-fi series, Skyless. Skyless follows two best friends, Neil and Alina, as they fight to restore the sky to a dystopian earth. Tonally, you can think of it like Hunger Games meets Game of Thrones. A link to the Kickstarter is in the show notes. You can check out the series there, get a taste of Chris Kirk's amazing artwork, and see if any reward tiers catch your eye. I'm super, super proud of it so far,

and I think if you check out the Kickstarter and see the artwork, you will understand why. So head to the show notes for the Kickstarter link to see for yourself. I think that's it for now. Until next week, and thanks as always for listening.