SitcomD&D - S1 E11 : A Hoy Family Reunion

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Tensions rise when Chip's family arrives at Bottom's Up for their annual family reunion; will this be the year that Chip finally avoids getting last place in the Hoy Cup? Probably not.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Story Concept by Erin Keif Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I wonder if I could do it with him in unison or beat him to it. Come on, every guy. Grab a girl. Do you say come in every guy, every girl? Yeah. Come in every guy and every girl. Everywhere around the world we'll be donking. Donking in the streets. See, this is why we record before the episode starts.

Guys, we did it so fast to catch gems like this. Lights up on Bottoms Up and people are running around like chickens with their heads cut off and leading the chickens with their heads cut off seems to be surprisingly chip is the one who's getting everyone on the same page making sure the places spic and span so let's pick up there quiet on set sounds speeding and we're rolling guys when you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains

Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith

as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Holy crap, why does this dump look like such a dump today? I'm sorry, I took a dump.

Beef, beef, clean that shit up. I will, Right away. Right away. Seriously, clean that up. And while you're at it, help me put these grease-soaked rags all over the ground. I just really want to see Chip slip and fall today. I think that would be so funny. Seb, I can hear you and you're looking at me.

It's okay. I can hear you and you're looking at me. Well, okay. Well, I didn't tell you about how I put broken glass in the bathroom all right chip sir chip can you um make sure my area it's chip sir chip sir um can you make sure my area is spic and span so i can move on to another area let me check let me check all right take a seat it is span but it is not spic, okay? How do I make it spic, Chip? Take out the spam. Figure it out.

Get the spam out of here. Get the spam out of here. I've never cleaned this much in my life. Chip, sir. Are all of our chairs broken? Chip, sir. Are all of the chairs broken? Yes.

What is it, Beef? I've got my bucket of poo. Where should I put it? Where do you put the other buckets of poo, Beef? Oh, great question. Come on, come on. Chips are bad news. A series of events just transpired that may have made things a little bit worse.

Okay, now you know I can't handle bad news right now, right? I know, and I'm so sorry, and I know this is a really important day, but I spilled the big vat of caramel, and you know our bucket of feathers that we have for special occasions. Well, of course I know the bucket of feathers. I had that. And then I tripped in front of our fan and then the fan put all the feathers

all over the caramel and it gets worse. Oh, sugar fat feathering. Oh my God. That's so good. Of all the days of all the days. Is this? Oh my God. Now, hold on. Now is this oh my god now hold on now hold on

is this a joke are you guys doing a joke at me oh my god you guys chips off no no are you guys pulling one on me because because there's no way so many things could possibly go wrong in one morning other than facilitating a good time. And while we're at it, everybody put on their new uniform, all right? Everybody put on this shirt. Everybody put on a shirt. Not just this one shirt. Everybody put on a shirt.

Beef and Chalice had originally just tried to get inside of the same shirt together. No, no, no, no. I'm pretty sure this is my shirt, Chalice. I don't know. Let's see. I think my shirt's shrunk in the wash Did somebody wash this? No they're all size small It was about 15 cents less

So I went ahead and went with that Look what they say They say boner police Protect and curve You're in a good mood today Seb It's weird At that moment you hear what can only be described as a small stampede, a rumbling, and the glasses shake in bottoms up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. Here come the Hoyes. Yes, yes, yes. We see that there's a banner above the bar hastily painted that says, Hoy's Family Reunion. And since the paint's not fully dry in it, there's some feathers that have landed on that. The front door to Bottoms Up bursts open and yeah, the stampede of Hoy's come crashing in.

About a hundred enormous half-orcs. Half-orc husbands, half-orc wives, their half-orc children. All grayish, green, and loud as hell burst into the ball. Oh, hey, the hoys! The hoys! Are these a-hoys or a-holes? I'm kidding, it's good to see you guys! Hey, don't punch me a huge group of them

come and swarm Seb and do like a big bear hug oh I can't breathe I don't care I'd love to die under a mountain of you hoys I can breathe though because nobody's hugging me yet the biggest half orc of them all

standing head and shoulders above even the biggest half orcs of the hoys is Famous Amos. Who is incredibly famous and handsome as hell puts Chip in a headlock and gives him a pretty intense noogie. There he is,

the little black sheep of the family, my little dork of a younger brother. No, no, you're the dork. Hi, I'm Chalice. I'm the one who hangs out with your dweeb dork of a brother. Yeah, you know why they call him Chip?

Why? Don't tell the story. Why? I was just going to tell a joke, but yeah, you know what? I'll tell a story instead. Oh, man, you were just going to tell a joke about the truth? I was just going to make up a joke about you, but now I remember that it's a story that's embarrassing.

Don't tell the story. Wait, I want to hear it. But I have a joke afterward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when Chip was a little kid, we actually convinced him that he could fly. And that he was part chicken. And as you can imagine, the funniest part of all this, chickens don't even really fly. Yeah.

He sounds stupid. He's so dumb. I was actually there. I was only 15 at the time. Yeah, I was definitely there. I was only 15 at the time. Yeah, I was definitely there. I was about 14 at the time. Yeah, it doesn't help your gut. All right, so what happened next?

So, you know, we're all laughing our ass off saying the power that he has in flight is exacerbated by his belief in his power. So we're just telling him, you got to believe, you got to believe. And we had him standing on top of a little picnic bench. And right when he's about to take flight, we pantsed him. And he jumped off the picnic bench and chipped his tooth on the way down. Oh, pantsed and a chipped tooth? Wow.

Yeah, no. Double, double. Double. Double. I was there. I've heard this story before. You just wanted to hear it again. It's so good. It's just so good. Also, my joke.

Hey, Chip, you put the orc in dork. You put the orc in dork. Woo! Wow. Excellent delivery, Seb. Excellent delivery, Seb. You just don't get comedy, little bro. That's part of his delivery

was the fake out of is he going to stick the landing? That's comedy. You just don't get it. Yeah. Look who's talking, Famous Anus. Whoa. Someone's about to get a whiff. Look who's talking, Famous Anus. Oh. Whoa. Someone's about to get a whiff of Famous Amos' heinous anus.

Oh. Oh, no. Be stoop. Be stoop. Take my head out of your pants. Be stoop. Be stoop. Take my head out of your pants.

I'm going to try to hold you down and fart right into your face. So let's grapple. Roll a strength check. I roll a 15 plus 5, so 20. 20? Okay. He rolled... Well, he rolled a 2.

So what ends up happening is he grapples you and is trying to hold you for a fart and you resist and throw him off. He kind of is taken aback a little bit. Like, geez, settle down. It's just a joke. Hey, this is my year, man.

Okay? I'm not coming in last this year. All right? Oh, yeah. I think actually it might be. It's so weird. I was thinking it might be my year. And Chip looks over.

I've heard so much about you. Oh, yeah? And then Famous Amos and Chalice start, like, working out a secret handshake. They start, like, figuring it out now. Oh, oh, oh. Whoa. Yeah. Chip, the chemistry between your brother and Chalice is off the charts.

Are you jealous? No. Of who and why and of who and why. I guess I was just asking. Sorry. I think I'm ready to

kick your ass, Chip. Hold on. You're competing in the cup this year? Of course I am. Oh, Chels, I'm so stoked you're competing. And you know what? Here's the greatest part. The greatest part is you're guaranteed not to get last because that's where Chip comes in. So every year he's gotten last.

Oh, are you talking about that kid who got pantsed on a picnic table? Did somebody say pantsed? And then I go up to Chip and I try to pants him, but he's wearing a belt, and so I'm just yanking at it. This goes on for seven minutes and everyone's just sort of waiting and seeing. Whatever. Your little peeper is small.

Pequeno. Damn, I killed you. It's not that small. It isn't small at all, actually. Not only is it not that small It's not small Baby carrot Yes

No comeback for that he just silenced your ass Oh he Please I've seen his little thing That's why his wife left him That's why his wife disappeared Boom Whoa Jesus man Jesus Chip him that's why his wife disappeared boom whoa jesus man jesus chip yeah his wife freaking hates

him because he has a little ding dong okay so he ran she ran away and she disappeared and nobody can find her now chip your mom's here man so the first time you said it the room just went silent and then you doubled down. Now the entire hundred members of the family, kids included, are screaming at Chip. What's wrong with you? What is the matter with you? Yeah, what? Your grandmother's right there. Hey, come on.

Come on, everybody. It's okay. I can take it. I can take it. You know what? Chip, let's not let him ruin another one of our get-togethers, all right? Absolutely not. Seb, you are just adorable. I'm taking my shirt off my back, and I'm giving it to him, all right? I don't want to be a martyr, but let's just have a good time, all right?

Oh, my God. Boom, boom. Did somebody say freaky dance? Yes. Oh, freaky dance. Freaky dance. Yes. Everybody starts doing the freaky dance. Nobody said freaky dance! Freaky dance! Everybody starts doing the freaky dance. Nobody said freaky dance.

Did somebody say freaky dance? Nutter Butter, did you say freaky dance? I didn't say it, but I'm doing it. Hands over here. Hands over there. Children get on the ground. All right, now that people are freaky dancing, can we get the kids

away from here before they see too much? Well, I have a, I do have one year of daycare experience under my belt, so,

you know, what? I could, spin-off, spin-off series, spin-off series of Beef running a daycare. Okay,

our Patreon will be completely dedicated to Beef's time in daycare. Okay, our Patreon will be completely dedicated to Beef's time in daycare. Yes! Beef, you have a year of childcare experience? Yeah, I actually owned the building. It was called Beefs R Us. We actually got closed down after a year for fraudulent tax charges.

As in you guys committed track? Are you saying you committed tax fraud or you're saying the charges were fraudulent? If you're talking to me, I say the charges are fraudulent. If you're talking to higher-ups, boy,

keep my hands off the papers if you know what I mean. Yeah, but let me take the kids. I think I could teach them with something or two. Something or two. All right. You go ahead and take care of the kids. Please, please, please let me do it.

As soon as you say take care of the kids, a tidal wave of small half orcs come crashing over Beef, screaming in excitement. Yeah! And wash Beef away towards the stage. Whee! Oh, he's good. He's good.

Seb, are you competing this year, or are you going to hang out inside? Seb always competes, right? You're going to compete with us? No, I'm not going to compete this year, all right? I'm going to hang out with the buddies, and somebody needs to be in the stands cheering your ass on. Am I right?

Come on, come on. Hey, don't bean tap me, nut butter. Yeah, that's right. I called you nut butter. Get out of here, nutter butter. Get out of here. Shoo, shoo. You smell like shit.

Pee you. Besides, someone's got to keep the mimosas flowing. Am I right, ladies? That's right. Come on. Let's get some drinky drinkiesas flowing, am I right, ladies? That's right! Come on! Let's get some drinky drinkies. Seb, we love you! You're so charming! Meredith and Mara, come on!

Aww! I'm Ma! I'm Ma! I'm Ma! I'm Ma! I'm Ma! Hey, Seb! Seb, my man, watch out for Sam. Yeah, what's up? Sam, my man.

Watch out for Ma. Okay, she's a handsy one. Let me just tell you. Ma or Ma? I think I can handle myself. Ma or Ma? I'm drunk. And I'm sober. And I'm Samantha.

You guys are the best. I can't wait to just kind of catch up I just want to like understand what's been going on with you guys Alright We're three recently divorced And it's really cool We're still coming to the reunions It's really cool that you guys came alright I mean what could you have done alright

it just wasn't working and it's better now alright so yeah I'm gonna be fine to confirm did you guys come to a family reunion to meet people no okay I just wanted to confirm what can we say

we've got a time wow Chip I guess I'm the only Okay, I just wanted to confirm. What can we say? We've got a type. Wow. Chip, I guess I'm the only one of your buddies competing against you. Competing is a bit of a strong word, don't you think? I'm going to whip your ass in these competitions. We'll see about that. Will we?

We'll see. She tries to pants him. That's not gonna work. She pants herself and then goes Woo! She's so funny! How about we make this thing interesting? Okay. How about

whoever wins has to has to clean the bar for a month. Whoever wins? This guy's an idiot. Yo, let's get this thing going. Oops. Oops. Gather round, gather round.

All right, so I think I got everybody who's interested in competing today, which should be everybody. We're a competitive family through and through. Now, here is the list of events that have been posted, but we all know what we're starting with, and that's my favorite, mud wrestling. Mud wrestling. Mud wrestling.

All right, so the bracket has been put up. You can see who your matchups are, and let's get dirty. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery.

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So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. E L P.com slash sitcom D and D. Everybody screams and cheers. We cut to the, uh, mud wrestling taking place. We see a montage of half work going up against half fork and some big body slams going down into the mud and cries and screams of excitement and jubilation coming from the rest of the half orcs.

It's kind of got the vibe of Family Barbecue meets a monster truck rally in all the best ways. First up in the match is Chip Ahoy. Woo! Woo! Woo to me! Yeah, me! Woo! Woo! Woo to me! Yeah, me! Versus Shortbread Hoy. Shortbread! Shortbread! Shortbread! As you tell me.

Shortbread, you just keep getting shorter every year. That's osteoporosis, but I'll still rip your ass right open. Give me my bib. Shortbread is about a quarter of the size of Chip, but he looks eight times more ferocious. And twice the weight. He's dense. Okay.

Oh, Jennifer is now wearing a little referee black and white T-shirt. And she gets in the middle of the two of you and goes, Okay, guys, I want a dirty fight. Not a clean fight. Get it? Mud wrestling. I love this stuff. What a fun day.

Okay. I want to see a really good match. Nothing below the belt, fellas. Are we ready? Are we ready? Now, how's this going to work considering good match Nothing below the belt, fellas Are we ready? I'm ready How's this going to work Considering he's always below my belt? Oh, oh

I'm sorry I was in the middle of a quip Oh, shit I was quipping I was in the middle of a quip Quip now while I gouge your eyes I'm like a little cannonball This is fully dirty

I'm crumbly now You should roll for Erin, what were you going to say? I was going to say, maybe Elizabeth and I can just be two people who are commentating. I think it would be funny if there's commentators. Oh, yeah. Okay, we passed to our color commentators in the booth. You guys want to introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Mint Milano, and I'm here with my co-host.

Cherry Clue. Ahoy! Hi! co-host. Cherry Clue. Ahoy! Hi! We are seeing fight after fight here at the Mud Wrestling Puddle. Oh, no, please.

Sorry. I was going to say, it's a crazy day out here. Who do you think might win this event? I will say statistically, Chip is a loser, so he has probably less likely to get the crown. I can hear you.

Yeah, he's an absolute embarrassment. Occasionally. That's the magic elbow. Oh, yeah. I'm going to crumble your ass like shortbread. There goes Shortbread with one of his famous moves coming. The shortbread cracker. Say it.

The shortbread crackacker is destroying Chip. Chip off to a terrible start because he decided to quip. A horrible mistake we've seen him make time and time again. Now, Mitch, I don't think he's going to be able to get out of this one. Short's got him in one bindy twist. That's right. And I'm going to make him into a pretzel, and then I'm gonna drown him. No, I'm not gonna do that.

But I'm gonna hurt him real bad! Alright, why don't you guys roll for strength checks? But Chip, since you quipped at the beginning, you'll be rolling with a disadvantage. I don't need, like, a modifier at all, do I? I think you should do whatever Waleed's

is. Mine's plus two. So do plus seven, Ben. Plus seven? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's unfortunate because I got a 25. It was an 18. I rolled an eight. Okay. And actually, let's hear it from

the color commentators of how this match ended up. Ooh, that'll hurt. You know what that looked a lot like? Being pushed off a picnic table, Cherry Clue. I can't believe he's reliving the same pain over and over.

Oh, I chipped my tooth! Oh, God! I would love if Chip spoke with a slight lisp for the rest of this episode. Just sort of whistled. Yeah, a little whistle. He is looking for the tooth in the mud and he's coming up empty, Cherry Clue. He is.

Oh, this just gets sadder and sadder to watch. Okay, ding, ding, ding. That's a match, fellas. First winner. And she grabs Shortbread's hand and lifts it as high as she can, which is, I mean, she's only a couple inches off the ground. Shortbread! Oh, you've got to be kidding me. That's ridiculous.

That's absurd. Oh, I don't see you, you little cookie, because you're soft. You're too soft to be old Shortbread. Oh, great. Well, at least Chalice is going to lose two. So you guys want to announce the next match? The next match is we'll do Chalice versus Sugar.

Next up in the mud ring, we've got Chalice Glass, who is new to these events, and Sugar Hoy. Sugar is an incredible competitor. What should we expect from this matchup, Cherry Clue? Absolutely. A huge competitor. He's been on the brackets and the boards all year long, I've heard. Absolutely pummeling the boards and the brackets. Fully on.

Thanks, Cherry. Thanks, Cherry. Absolutely. Of course. He's so good that he's destroying the brackets. And the boards. And the boards. He's having physical altercations with the brackets and the boards.

And the boards, yes. Okay, you two, get in here. Now I want to see a good clean fight. Or I mean dirty fight. I mean clean fight. Because mud wrestling. Okay, you guys get it. I'm having a great time.

This is so much fun. Um, are we ready? I'm ready. And guess what, Chip? I'm going to fart on you later. And all the brothers go nuts. That was so unexpected. What?

Why? Seb is like across the room at the bar and starts going, yes, yes, yes. And Jennifer goes, okay, let's get it on. Chalice sort of has the stance because she grew up doing some fancier sports. So she started sort of moving like how the people who fence move. She's got great form and she moves very, very quickly. Oh, that's a very interesting technique from trellis gloss moving to and fro from her component sugar oh but sugar lunges right at her feet what

is she going to do i don't want to hurt you i'm sugar looks like Sugar has opened a conversation on the floor. I won't let you. Didn't we have a fight? Prepare to punch? It appears that Sugar has an absolute crazy windup. It's very easy to dodge his punches, because you can see them coming from a mile away. Hey, guys, this is just wrestling,

so maybe you, like, cool it on the punches and stuff, or I'm gonna have to disqualify you. And then Chalice goes, oh, okay, and then does, like, a swoopy, very graceful move where she goes, and kind of wraps him up into a perfect pretzel. Okay, awesome.

Chalice, why don't you roll Dexterity for that, Or Athletics 15 My AC is 12 Why don't Mint Milano and Cherry Clue describe what happens Cherry, Chalice means Business, she is moving very very

Quickly and it appears that she's tying him In some kind of knot Absolutely Mint, she left her power suit At home and came fully prepared To knock out his ass. Girl boss. Oh, yeah. Queen E.

Girl. And that's a match. And that's a match. We've got a winner, ladies and gentlemen. She grabs Chalice's hand and tries to lift it as high as she can. And then Chalice lifts her own hand and Jennifer goes into the air holding onto her hand. Wow.

Winner, Chalice Glass! Everyone goes nuts. Fart on him! Fart on him! Did anybody find my tooth? Chalice just runs over very very quickly and just does a little very polite fart on Chip.

And then runs away. Just doing victory arms. Looks like a very polite part from component chalice glass maybe an omen for when they have to fight one-on-one and the brothers go you call that a fart that was the funniest little politest fart i ever heard they're like dying laughing they think it's awesome yeah but nobody needs to do another one on me or anything. A huge group of them run over and just start letting them lose. We'll let out a rude fart. Let's just top it off with a little famous Amos heinous anus.

That's one that's just deadly right on you. Should I do a constitution check? Yeah, you probably should. Okay, I rolled a 12. Not good enough. You take a D4 of fart damage. You took fart damage. No.

Oh, no. That's a rough day when you take fart damage. That's incredible. Okay. All right. Let's check in with how Beef is doing entertaining the children. So we're going to cut back into Bottoms Up where Beef's on the stage. Yay, yay, Beef!

We're so excited for the show. Yay, Beef! Yay, Beef! My name is Girl Scout. That's very nice. Knock, knock. Who's there? Moo? Moo?

Moo interrupt. Moo interrupt. there who's there moo moo moo interrupt don't you ever do that to me again you're a creepy little one no i'm not i'm not creepy at all i'm not adorable hooray hooray oh beef remember your training remember your training okay can we do a flashback to Beef's training? Yes. Diaper me. Slack. Have my back, boys. I'm going in.

Where? Where? Colicky baby, what do you do then? Huh? Huh? Take my nipple. Take it! Wrong. You dip it in nipple take it wrong you dip it in the bourbon then you put it in okay we come back to real time and we see that uh beef was actually

having a pretty intense flashback and was screaming all that while i was giving the nipple hey no we're going you i'm going to get a freaking laugh out of you, all of you, if it's the last thing I do before I die. And he walks, he's pacing back and forth, and then he walks to the back of the stage, and he accidentally steps on one of his, like, guitar thing, and it hits him in the balls. Oh! Ow! Yay! thing and it hits him in the balls oh let's see if we're all in order here one two three okay we are wow that was a ball buster right am? Am I right, kids? What were you counting? My balls. You have three balls.

Yeah, buddy. Doesn't everybody? Beef senses that he's losing them again. And then he just punches himself in the balls. Yay! All right, we're going to cut away from beef. We're going to cut back to the main bar of Bottoms Up, where Seb is still gabbing with the other half-orc ladies and members of the Hoi family.

Everybody down their lemon drop shot. All right, so let's slap the bar. Let's shoot them back. All right, let's do it. Go, go, go. And slap. Whoa. Oh, my God. To Seb. Sweet. Let's shoot him back. All right, let's do it Whoa, oh my god sweet You are just one of my absolute favorite people in the world

I think God chip found you you are the best of him and we mean that it's just too bad you're married I would take you away from myself and i'm happy but i'm happily married so yeah don't yeah i i but hey there's plenty of fish out there all right there's plenty of orcs here in the bar all right so i mean somebody's gonna take you home tonight oh it's so nice that you're married chip has not been able to find the suitable suitor for years poor boy so lonely i'm taking him under my wing and i'm kind of teaching him all that i have and to find the suitable suitor for years. Poor boy. So lonely. I'm taking him under my wing and I'm kind of teaching him all that I have and I'm dishing it

and I'm just hoping that he can find the marital bliss that I have, all right? You know? Like, I really hope that for him. Oh, you're so cute when you talk. You guys want to see a magic trick? Oh, yes, of course. Yes, please.

Okay, think of a card. Okay. Ace of hearts. No, don't tell me. Think of a different card and don't say it. Two of spades. Please stop. The king of...

Stop. Sorry. Queen of diamonds. Let's just say that you came up with a card in your head and then you just didn't say it aloud. Oh, okay. All right. Now, take a drink of your wine. Both of you at the same time.

I'm here too. Well, and also you too. Usually, this is only for two people. I'm Samantha. Just watch what happens, all right? You're so cute. What's in my mouth? There's something in your mouth.

It's a small map. But where does this map take us? All right, come on, follow me. Oh, my God, where are we going? We're following this map. Whoa, there's a pile of just grease-riddled rags over here. Let's see what's underneath this pile of grease-riddled rags over here. Yeah, what's underneath this pile of grease riddled rags yeah what could possibly be under this boom ace of spades that's what i was thinking

and check this out watch this i put a match to it and it lights on fire boom and let that be a lesson that life is fleeting and it can be gone in an instant. Even an idea. He even explained the trick. He said why it lit on fire. He revealed the magician's secret. He doesn't even care about the magician rule. Sam, stop. I'm not a magician. This is for fun and for friends. Sam likes being nagged. She's into this.

All right, we cut back to the backyard where the Hoy tournament is still underway and has advanced. We see on the leaderboard that right now Chalice and Famous Amos are actually tied for first and Chip, maybe not too unexpectedly, Chalice and Famous Amos are actually tied for first, and Chip, maybe not too unexpectedly, is sitting in very dead last.

Now, the next game, he announces, All right, we're getting into the next event, which is, drumroll please, sack racing. And no, I'm not talking about your scrotums, butternuts. All the brothers are high-fiving. Dude, hit me in mine. Hit me in my nuts. I had to make the joke before Chalice did.

She is one sick, twisted fuck. Takes one to no one. Takes one to no one, Amos. Yeah, me too, right? From the hoys, I just want to say, Chalice, it has been so awesome competing with you, me too, right? From the Hoyes, I just want to say, Chalice, it has been so awesome competing with you, against you, and you already feel like part of the family.

Honestly, you're awesome. Oh my god. And she's genuinely touched by that. Wow, that means so much to me. I was so nervous for today, so that's amazing. And all I have to say is, and then she walks over to Chip and then politely farts on him again and does the victory arm

so we cut to the sack race everyone's in a line in their sack and and Jennifer is in her referee's shirt with a little bullhorn. And she goes, racers at your marks. And then if we want to hear something from the announcers. Cherry, who do you think is favored to win this race? It's mostly hopping, so it really could be anyone's game. Absolutely. But, you know, on the boards, we've had Sugar pretty high up, and Shortbread even higher. So if I had to put my coins in one satchel, it would probably be Shortbread.

And for my money, I think someone who's not even in the family, Chalice, could definitely pull a win out. She is in the top 5%. And coming in dead last is Chip. Let's see this race. Alright, runners to your marks. Get set. I want to see a clean race. A dirty race. How do you guys?

Shoot the gun. I don't have a bet for this part. Let me think. And she's kind of like tapping the gun like to the side And then it just fires out of nowhere It scares Jennifer Go!

And they're off Watch me shortbread roll To my victory Oh and it looks like Chip's bag was filled with potatoes. Oh, no. They filled his bag with potatoes. He is mashing potatoes in real time. He's mashing potatoes.

He's mashing potatoes, but he should be running. It appears that Chalice, oh, my goodness, she had the time and forethought to turn her sack into pants, and she is just sprinting. She's pulling ahead. She's pulling ahead. Chalice pulls out a win. thought to turn her sack into pants, and she is just sprinting. She's pulling ahead. Just pulling ahead. Cherry to the right. Chalice

pulls out a win. She is favored to win this entire competition. Cherry, what an upset. Absolutely, man. I am flummoxed out my ass out of this one. Can I have a side of mashed potatoes, please? You little dweeb.

You little fucking dweeb. Fucking... Ooh, so small. Loser. You're a loser, Chip. Loser says what? Yeah, you can have mashed potatoes. They're at the bottom of my sack.

What? Yes, you can have a side of mashed potatoes because there's a bunch of mashed potatoes at the bottom of my sack. What? Yes, you can have a side of mashed potatoes because there's a bunch of mashed potatoes at the bottom of my sack. Do you hear what I said? You're a loser. Yeah, I know. And here's some mashed potatoes.

Right in that moment, Seb throws a stick of butter from behind the bar and it just hits Kit right in the head. Boom! Got you! Cut to Beef back on stage. Beef's testicles are visibly swollen through his pants. He has beat himself

to a severe level of uncomfortability and he's definitely on his last rope. Do it again! Again. Do it again! Again! Again! Do it again! I'm precocious.

Do it again, please. Okay. One more time. One more time. At least, yeah, at least one more time. We'll negotiate once you're done. One more time. And you guys promise you'll say you had the best time with me.

Oh, we promise. We promise for sure. Yeah, we had the best time. I haven't yet, but this could put it over the edge, so let's see. Okay. Come up. Come up here. You can do it.

Yeah. Yay. Again. Again. Again. One more time, at least so close to being great you said it was the last one you said it was the last one well cut to um seb this is so crazy that you guys are just, you just want to draw me nude. Like, that's just so funny that I'm not wearing clothes anymore and that you're drawing me nude. Well, you're our muse. We think you're just absolutely phenomenal. Honestly, I'll say it.

I would not come here if it wasn't for you. Oh, stop it. You would come here. I mean, you are favored by a long shot, but it's not like it's a close competition. I mean, that new girl, Chalice or Callus or whatever her name is, she's just a spoiled, spoiled rotten. Insufferable. I mean, her voice is grating. Chip's always been a weakling.

Chip's always been a complete weakling turd. Absolutely. Turd, yes, but he did that thing with the dragon. It's sad. Oh, and that sad little clown man thing. Wait, who are you talking about? Whatever that is. We don't...

Burger, I believe. Burger? Burger? Burger? Is it Burger? Are you talking about Jennifer the Rat? No. The one with the lute who sings and dances.

Oh, he's the worst. The sad clown. Surely you're not talking about the wettest beef in town. Oh, beef. I'm Samantha. And I think that just everyone else besides you is just, I mean, a non non-starter terrible, sad, pathetic excuse for life.

I think I'm starting to be clued in to how you guys feel about everyone. What? Oh, don't be fussy. Let's have another mimosa. Okay, I mean I'm blackout drunk right now, so I'm going to

down this, and I'm also naked. Yes, keep down. We're all naked. Okay, back to the backyard where the Hoy Cup is taking place. Famous Amos is back up on that picnic bench. All right, everybody. So it's been an amazing Hoy Cup so far, but now it's down to the final event. And the final event, as always, is something,

well, let's just say our half orcs, the big, buff, strong, kind of bulldozing people and family that we are, have a little bit of trouble with. And that is the egg run. So you guys know the rules. We're going to have a tiny little baby spoon, and we have to hold it in our hand and put a tiny little baby egg in it. And eggs come from chickens, by the way, Chip, and chickens can't fly. Yeah, I know they can't fly uh chalice looks over at him and is just like like starts to well up a little bit like she hates

seeing her friendly i'm eating mashed potatoes from the bottom of my bed uh so uh yeah you gotta run with your egg all the way down touch the the other end of the yard, and then come back without dropping your egg. And so then let's cut to kind of the same starting line. Everyone's in a row, and they've got their eggs on a spoons. And let's check in with the booth. Mm, mm, our lineup. Our lineup is looking pretty saucy, wouldn't you say, Mint? Uh, yeah, Cherry, I cannot believe how gorgeous of a day this has been.

The weather really held out for us. Uh, we just got to see Chip get torn to shreds, and now we'll see a grand finale of him losing in a major way. Totally, totally. And I have to say, Chalice, she is a frontrunner now. Absolutely stunning. And I put all my coins in that satchel. I put all my eggs in that basket.

Oh! Okay, runners to your marks. I want a good, clean race. And, um... Okay. Okay. Everybody's looking at me. Do you want it to be egg-cellent?

Yeah. Oh, that's good. And I want a good egg-cellent. And... Exciting, exciting. Exciting. And...man my brain's really scrambled. Oh that works! Okay! Gun goes off, everyone starts moving as quickly as they can with their eggs. But a lot of these half orcs aren't that dexterous, and their eggs are going down. There's 20 orcs in it, then 15, then 10, then 5. Can Chalice make a move at like the 10 people mark? Yeah.

She's going to do a little bit of sabotage where she's going to pretend she's super lost and confused, and she's getting in the way of these orcs. She's just sort of swaying back and forth and moving like a snake through it. So she's causing a lot of people's eggs to drop. She's doing it on purpose. Nice. Cherry Clue, you want to comment on that?

Absolutely stunning pattern from Chalice Glass weaving in and about. Ain't no rule in the rule book says that you can't weave in and about. Ain't no rule in the rule book says that you can't weave on and about. And now it's down to like five, then three. They're just dropping. Eggs are smashing on the ground. Yolk flying everywhere. Now it's

just down to Chip and Chalice. And there's only about ten yards to go. Chip looks over and sees Chalice. Chalice looks and there's only about 10 yards to go. Chip looks over and sees Chalice. Chalice looks over and sees Chip. Chip's barely been running this whole time. He's kind of been, like, sadly, like, walking with the egg in his mouth, which is why it's also not falling.

But he's just, like, barely moving. He's sauntering. He still has the sack at the bottom of his feet with the mashed potatoes. Oh, my God. Yes. That's so fucking funny. And then Chalice. Yeah.

You know that video of that guy who slips on the ice, but he falls for like a minute before he actually falls. It's like a minute worth of slipping. Chalice looks over at Chip and does like a Whoa, whoa, whoa Slips and falls And breaks her egg And to make sure it's really broken She just sort of rolls back over it And is like, whoa, whoa Chip, you won

You're not a loser at all You did it Yay, Chip, yay Oh my god, bless my blurry eyes Is that Unbelievable Upset Yay! Oh, my God. Bless my blurry eyes. Is that unbelievable upset? Holy smokes and around the corner, Cherry, am I seeing what I'm seeing? Chip won.

Oh, would you like to have dinner with me Friday night? I would love to. I thought you'd never ask. Unbelievable. Chip has won. Yeah, I guess. Oh, yeah, Chip won. And tries to raise his hand. Huh asked. Unbelievable. Chip has won. Yeah, I guess. Oh, yeah, Chip won. And tries to raise his hand.

Huh? But she can't lift it. And then Famous Amos walks up. Yo, I mean, yeah, like, I guess you won, but clearly Chalice just fell on purpose. Like, that is, oh, my God. This is like a new level of pathetic, dude. That is, oh my god, this is like a new level of pathetic, dude. Like, you had to get handed a win out of pity from a princess?

All the brothers start laughing way harder than they had before. This is so much better than the chicken shit. Loser, loser. Loser, loser. You're a big old loser, Chip. I'm not okay i'm i'm a winner and i won this thing and i don't care and i pick up the mashed potato i pick up the mashed potatoes and sadly eat them more oh thanks a lot chalice and then i, but I trip in my potato sack and I fall.

And then I get back up and you know that video of the guy who slips on ice cream all the time. That happens to me, but with my potatoes and I'm slipping all over my potatoes. Oh my God. And I run off. And so as Chip runs off, we're going to go check back in with Beef, who's on stage and literally is just a mess now.

Can't hurt himself anymore. You guys, I can't. I can't. I can't keep hitting my balls anymore. It's so funny though. Do you want us to punch your balls? Yeah, we can do it for you. We can punch your balls.

You guys, this is the worst. This is the worst crowd. This is the... I've seen... I've honestly seen a better crowd at a public execution than you guys. Whoa. You've been to a public execution? Yes, talk about it.

Yeah. He likes it because he's nihilistic. That's right. We're just dust. Yeah, they take these long swords and they slice them up, head, arms, legs, torso, brain. Have you ever seen the inside of a guy's brain?

No. Yeah. We cut away from Beef as he's mid super violent explanations of grotesque deaths. And we go back to Seb. Oh, what is that

little burger doing over there now? Look at that little fool. The name is Beef. It's Beef. All right. And Beef is showing your little rat children. All right. And Beef is showing your little rat children, all right, and I'm talking about little Pecan Sandy

because there's something messed up. That guy has a binder filled with dead birds and he keeps showing it to people. He's just nihilistic. That's not what that means. That's not what that means. He's just nihilistic. He's just nihilistic.

Beef is trying to show them the GD goddamn motherfucking arts over there. All right? And we've all been kind of jumping through hoops for you guys. All right? I'm having the time of my life, but I can't bear to see how poorly you're treating my good friend Chalice. Her voice isn't grating. It is great.

All right? Grading. It is great. All right? Listen to her sing three bars of any song, and it'll change how you think of it. My friend Chip, not strong, little bit of a turd, kind of talks funny, smells awful, but that's mostly because people keep farting

and getting little poop particles all over his body, all right? So it's not even his fault that he smells so poor right now. Normally, he smells not that bad. Like moss, all right? Not a bad guy. But you have to admit, the little burger one is just such a sad clown.

I will break you in half. So sad. I will break you in half like a board. Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! there's blood and then they get blown up like a balloon and then they explode in the sky and then the guts, they go everywhere. Sweetheart, what? Oh man, apparently they stack everybody up and there's a big sword or something and everyone gets caught up.

Hey, uh, hey, Hey, I could explain. Hi. I passed out from the pleasure of all of the violence that they were talking about. I'm a nihilist. Yeah, your kid. Here's your kid. Pecan. He's a little nihilist, isn't he?

Well, I could explain everything. Did you show our kids something violent? Weird. Because I'm very upset. What are you doing, little oatmeal raisin? And he's smashing his balls with his fist as hard as he can. It's funny, see? Okay, that has a reasonable explanation. Self-mutilation?

Okay, well, it was I was trying to entertain your kids. They weren't laughing. They weren't giving me the hee-hees or the ha-has or the ho-hos. So I was stepping towards the front stage, which is actually the back of the stage. And I hit my

balls with my lute. Made the erupted kids with laughter, which was hilarious for everybody except for my balls. Yeah, do it again. Yeah, Beef showed us how to touch our balls.

And kept on doing it and said do it until they're big and round. You are so irresponsible. We will never let you anywhere near our kids ever again Unbelievable You know what? Just like your friendship

You are a loser Hey, just then the hoists who were competing All are coming back in And Famous Amos walks up And picks up Beef by the neck Whoa, all I heard was you were touching my kids' balls What the hell is going on here? This little freak I'm so sick of you being a you were touching my kids balls what the hell's going on here this little

freak i'm so sick of you being a little freak around my kids oh hey i wasn't touching their balls i was exclusively touching my balls hey famous yeah how about you put my friend beef down okay oh yeah why oh you'll you'll see why i go up to him and i give him a huge like the biggest hoy fart that's ever been heard right all over him okay roll to see how steamy this fart is right what am i adding to it? Anything? Medicine. Medicine, science. That's so funny. I'll do medicine. Medicine. A little tick because it's a taste of his own medicine. Oh, nice.

That's smart. All right, 16. Oh, that's pretty heinous. He starts kind of swatting the air in front of him and drops beef to the ground. Oh, man. I got to admit, that's a pretty good one. Oh, jeez. But what the hell, man?

You know what else is a good one? My boys and Chalice, okay? Those are a good one. All right? While you guys were being crazy around here, getting drunk, sitting around naked. As you not take care of your kids, be volunteer to take care of your kids as you sat and drank and were naked.

Okay? And now you're getting mad because he's punching his balls? Who are you to judge? They sort of nod and look at each other knowingly jealous let me win so what okay i don't mind being in last place but you know what i'm proud of for real is having a friend that is willing to fall down for me because now i know none of you would do that you guys pushed me off a freaking picnic table when i was 15 years old and gave me a new name

yeah what was your name originally i always forget save it for another episode years old and gave me a new name. Yeah, what was your name originally? I always forget. Save it for another episode. Let it be a mystery for now. I had such a good name before, okay? Maybe you don't even deserve to remember it.

For 15 years. For 15 years you guys called me by my birth name, and it was a strong name. Okay? For the rest of my life, I've been called Chip. Yeah. That's on us. Oh my god. But you know what? Now I love being called

Chip because the people that are closest in my life, that's all they know me by. And I'm happy to serve at the pleasure of mr chip hoy and beef gets up and he stands behind chip and saluting are you standing on a desk yeah uh seb's gonna go over and i'm gonna try to pants uh famous amos but it's, just like he's wearing a belt, and so I'm just gonna be like, and I, too, and I will also salute my friend Chip.

Jennifer jumps up on his desk. Oh, Captain, my Captain, Chip Ahoy, I stand by you as well, my friend. Chalice is wearing sort of like a boarding school uniform, those sort of, come to me,

Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, I've seen that. She stands behind it and then puts a hand on Chip's shoulder and stands behind. Famous Amos goes, All right. You know what? You're right. He's right, everybody.

I mean, we know he's right. And we're your family. We always will be. And sometimes we take it too far. That's on us. But I mean, we know he's right. And we're your family. We always will be. And sometimes we take it too far. That's on us. But it's because we love you. But you're right. You've been right about everything.

And if anyone deserves this trophy today, the Hoy Cup, it's you, Chip. Me hands Chip the Hoy Cup. Oh, my God, Chip. You won. I just want to clarify that he didn't actually win it. Given the circumstances, he kind of deserves it. Shut up. All right, I just want to make sure that Rose was going.

I'll take it. He won it. He won it. Take it. Take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll happily take it.

Hey, congrats, man. You deserve it. Emotionally. Emotionally, you deserve it. Otherwise, physically speaking, you did not. I think he gets it. I think he gets it. You know, emotionally. Emotionally, you deserve it. Otherwise, you know, physically speaking, you did not. I think he gets it. It's a similar thing. He gets it.

I'll admit, I'll admit, you did take it a little too far. But I took it a little toot fart. And then I do another, I rip another big one. And how about this? Let's all fart, too, to show our appreciation. Yeah, the whole crew. And we all fart. I'm naked.

And everyone cheers. Seth's naked. I fart naked, and then I go, oh. You've been naked this whole time. I'll go get the bucket. Yeah, please. and some of the i know exactly where the i know exactly where the poop bucket is here so yeah as all the uh as the party takes it up a notch and everyone's celebrating a now successful hoy family reunion

chip and chalice kind of find themselves in an aside on the other side of the bar at the party chalice uh just uh did her secret handshake with famous amos it's like super well rehearsed and looks great um and then she walks over and she says hey i am i really like your family oh they're they're really lovely and um i totally see why you turned out so great yeah uh there are a lot uh but i guess i am too so i guess it all kind of works out no you're just enough hey i got you something oh she reaches into her pocket and she kind of leans close to him and he thinks that maybe uh she's gonna kiss him for a second but instead she just uh takes his tooth uh out of her pocket and then puts it back in his mouth oh i found it in the mud oh yeah it tastes a lot like a bun yeah i thought you might want that

though yeah i think it's better than a kiss you know what nothing right in that moment uh seb throws a stick of butter and it hits Chalice right in the face. Seb! What? I'm naked! Did someone say freaky dance? Now who wants to see me hit my balls? Yeah! Yeah! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept, and I did the editing on this one. Thanks so much for listening. To stay up to date on the show, you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd. That's sitcom in the letters D-N-D. I think that's it for now. Keep it short and sweet. Until next week, and thanks as always for listening bye That was a HeadGum Podcast.