SitcomD&D - S1 E12: Our Insurance Guy, Anthony (w/ Anthony Burch)

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

Our insurance guy, special guest Anthony Burch, stays with the gang after a bad break up and they try to cheer him up! But as you know, fish and insurance guys start to stink after three days... Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest Star: Anthony Burch Story Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean Coyle Link to Elizabeth's Show: The Illuminati Hour Link to Wet Bus Show: Wet Bus Show Link to Anthony's Show: Dungeons&Daddies Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Anthony, did you say that you had a wrestling identity that you had, you know, kind of in the chamber if you were ever to go that route? Yes. Yes. If I hadn't gotten injured, I was going to. I had surgery. Sorry, I gave up a kidney and they specifically said you cannot do sports, like, full contact stuff anymore. That's an overshare, but I just realized after I said I had a surgery, it made it sound like something with my dick. I assumed it was a dick thing.

No, that, is that what it was? All right, well, you, so you met us. Is that what it is? We assumed it was a dick thing. I mean, I'm also anxious, so I just assume everybody thinks I'm talking about my dick all the time. That's the thing, right?

That's a simple thing. I got a surgery. You may have heard of this. Well, yeah, I was doing it like that. But yeah, no, the gimmick was going to be, my character's name was just Depressed, so they'd say like, coming out at 5'6 and 140 pounds,

he's depressed! And I would come out in like a bathrobe and like a microwave, and I would have a frozen Hot Pocket in my hand. My finisher was, if I could get the Hot Pocket in the microwave and turn it on, I could like bite into it it and blind somebody with it.

Oh, yeah. That hot tomato sauce. Yeah. And I would cry if I won. Let's get that kidney back in you. Where we're going to pick up today is a not-so-normal day at Bottoms Up because y'all are freaking out. Because Anthony, your insurance guy, is coming to Bottoms Up. From episode one? Yeah. So full disclosure, Ben or Seb, you referenced our insurance guy, Anthony, as a throwaway. And we thought, how fun would it be if we got the Anthony Burch to be the Anthony, the insurance guy, to come and do it.

And we're so happy that this is actually happening. Oh, my God. Dream come true. I'm going to plug Anthony Burch in just in general as an awesome, fun person and a great dude to hang with. I thought you were going to say lay. I swear to God, I thought you were going to say great lay. I don't know why. Well, you know why. It's because you are.

We're so happy to have Anthony on the podcast because he's got an amazing podcast of his own that I'm personally a very, very big fan of. It's called Dungeons and Daddies. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry and fall in love with every single character on it. It's

f***ing awesome. Check it out if you haven't already. Dungeons and Daddies. They're in their season two right now. And they're just getting started over there. Season one was an incredible, incredible journey and season two is just getting started. Thank you. So thanks for joining us, man. Thank you for having me. Even if it is

just because somebody offhandedly said my name. I'll take any invitation. Doesn't matter how it got to my door. We don't even like minimize. It's nice that he's here. The damage is done. It's fine. No, Ben really fucked us. He really put us in a corner with that one. We have to get an Anthony now.

I get it. I'm the hateable one of the group. I get it. Sweet. So, back to our story. Y'all are freaking out because Anthony, the insurance guy, is coming and you're pretty worried that he's not going to approve your claim

because it's about the sixth piss fire you guys have had in under a calendar year that's completely your fault and isn't covered by your insurance on paper so you're really gonna have to do some good smooth talking to convince him otherwise and it's he's been pretty pissed with you in the past and you've already that Anthony has just arrived outside of Bottoms Up and is standing outside of Bottoms Up before he comes in. And he's with his partner. And you guys are all rushed to the window just to kind of see what mood Anthony is in. And you don't really,

you can't hear anything of the conversation that's happening so far. But that's where we're going to pick up. So, quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice! Anthony, don't go. Anthony! Oh, he laughed. He laughed. The door just closed. When you need a break from this crazy world

to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, guys, I think it looks pretty good in here,

but maybe, maybe we should put out the active piss fire that is happening behind us. It's my best work of art, though. I know. It looks great. And I can see that the scorch marks are spelling your name incorrectly, but still spelling your name, and it does look cool.

It doesn't matter what we do. We cannot get rid of the smell. The smell will give us away every time. It's horrible. And at least the fire sort of takes care of this. It smells worse when it's not on fire. So, like, we've got to smother it or something. Wow.

God, they're so good looking. Look at them. Beef, let me give you a boost. Yeah, can you boost me up? Oh, a three-piece suit. Man, these guys are serious. Beef, why don't you roll a d20 for perception? Why don't you roll a perception roll?

I got an eight. Cool. All you can tell is that there's a smile on Anthony's face. He looks pretty happy, actually. And that's odd. Typically, when he's coming to see y'all, he's f***ing pissed. So... Oh.

Oh, our guy Tony must be having a good day. He's smiling. He's giggling. Okay, that's good news, I guess. Maybe we'll get lucky. All of a sudden, from outside, you see that Anthony actually gets down on one knee. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

A proposal. He's a proposal. Chalice throws beef. Chalice throws beef. Come on, come on. You made a crater in the wall. We're out of posters. Beef is in the fire. Beef is in the wall. We're out of posters. Beef is in the fire.

Beef is in the fire. Oh, he's putting it out. Okay. Good job, Beef. Oh, my God. Did you guys look at the cookies for nothing? And so it seems like Anthony's in the middle of a speech, a very heartfelt, sincere speech.

And everyone who's watching, roll perception. Nine. Fourteen. Oh,, roll perception. Nine. Fourteen. Oh, five. Twelve. Cool. You all think this is going really well. Like this looks like it's an impassioned speech and there's a lot of emotion happening and you assume that it's really good.

Are we the luckiest people in the world or what? We will be coming in off of the high of a proposal. We might get an invite to the wedding. This is the best day of my life. Oh my God. Should we give him champagne? Should we get the champagne? Get the champagne.

I'm running. I'm running. I'm running. It's not me. And then you see the person that Anthony is proposing to break away from Anthony, take a step back, no longer holding Anthony's hand, and they start shaking their head no. They can't believe it. They cannot believe what's happening.

Yes, they are shocked. They're saying, no, no, no, there's no way that this is happening. Oh my God. And then the person that Anthony had just proposed to Starts shaking their head no continuously Anthony stands up to follow And kind of plead his case it looks like That's what the case might be right now

And she gets into a carriage Closes the door and it goes away. And Anthony is left there, standing in the mud, arms at his side, shoulders slumped, and he starts heading back towards the front door of Bottoms Up. Oh my gosh, she must be telling her family. She's so excited. She's so excited. She immediately had to run and go tell her parents.

Okay, guys, we should say when he comes in, we should go, surprise! You're married! We'll all scream surprise. There's a knock at the door. Come in! Anthony enters. Surprise!

Surprise! Oh my god, congratulations! Happy marriage. Can I stay the night? Oh, of course. Is she coming back? She left me. She left to get a snack?

Yeah, she has a snack at work. His name is Brutus. She likes guys that don't look like birds in three-piece suits. Oh, my God. I don't know if we actually have any rooms open. Sure. Sure. Yes, we have a room for you, buddy.

Stay as long as you want, buddy. Right, Seb? It smells like piss. Why does it smell like piss? It's you. I piss myself too. Not again. That's another reason she said she's leaving me.

Because I piss myself. My big baby. My name's Anthony Parchment. I'm a big pissing baby. Hey, Seb. And he can stay for free, right Seb? I'm in the basement trying to find nice bubbly No Seb, I Alright, fine, I'll go for the good stuff I'm still looking though, there's a lot of broken glass down here

Janice loves bubbly Oh no Well hey, you know what, cut your losses. Her name was Janice. Yeah, it's a blessing. It's the sound of the wind singing in the trees. Janice. The mere mention of her name could send me off to an amorous slumber from which I wish never to wake.

Okay. All right. Did somebody say Bubbly? And I pop the cork, and I will accidentally hit Anthony square in the eye. Anthony pisses himself again. Hey, save it for the bachelor party, you freaking dog. Wait, wait, wait. No, that's a great idea.

Maybe that's the perfect idea. We give him a bachelor party. Are you high from the piss fumes? I'm a you high from the piss fumes? I'm a little high from the piss fumes, but maybe we give him like a forever bachelor party. Yeah. And then Janice will see how cool he is and come back. Yeah, let's start with,

Seb, Anthony's going to stay here for free for the night. Now I'm getting what's happening here. All right. Oh God. We cut to one month later. Anthony has stayed with you this entire time and has not left. He is 100% in sad, sad mode and is absolutely making life miserable for the entire game and for

the entire bar. It's terrible for business. It's terrible for business. It's terrible for all of you personally. Um, and you want this situation to stop. And for the, the, for the most part, what you need to do at this point is try to get Anthony back on his feet. Um, so I want to pick up a month later as Anthony shuffles down to the bar around noon, as he usually does, as he has for the last 30 days. And Anthony, do you want to describe kind of what you look like now that you your character is in the throes of his sad boy lifestyle? Yeah. Anthony is a Kenku, which is a walking humanoid bird that stands up right on two feet, shorter than an average one, and usually would wear a too tight suit and tie.

But now in the throes of misery is just wearing a bathrobe that you have not seen washed once in a month that he's been wearing. He doesn't even keep it like closed, like tied in front of the light. You just see a lot of bird feather. It's real loose. So right before Anthony came down, y'all were having a little discussion about how much of a problem this is and what you're going to do to try to fix it. Okay, nose goes for who's going to tell Anthony to shower.

One, two, three. Nose goes. Not me, not it. Nose. Oh, okay, fine. Nose. Not me. Not it. Nose. Oh. Okay, fine. Seb. What do I say to him? Do I say that he won the lottery and that he gets to take the shower today or something

like that? Oh, that's pretty good. You could also just sneak up on him with like a bucket of water and just drench him. Maybe say it's a prank or something. I'm going to try both. I'm going to do both. I'm sneaking up. I'm sneaking up.

You won the lottery and get to bathe today. Birds don't do well. I immediately have a heart attack. Oh, God. Oh, God. Seb, can you heal him? I'm freaking out, but yes.

Why don't you do a medicine check on him and see if you can tell what's going I'm freaking out, but yes. Yeah, why don't you do like a medicine check on him and see if you can tell what's going on. 15 plus three. 18. Cool. So you can tell that he is in cardiac arrest right now. Oh, his heart is broken. Okay.

But seriously, I think we got to do something. Everybody, get on this rug and rub your feet really, really fast in your socks. Everyone do it. Everyone do it. Don't mind if I do. Would it be wrong while he's having this heart attack

if we just bathe him now? Order of operations. Okay, okay. God, he must smell so bad for beef to be bothered with how bad he smells. I can't, man. Only one stinky guy in this house.

Are you all going to try to rub your feet, get as much static electricity, and then touch him all at the same time to reset his heart? Look at your tone, Sean. That's just science. Of course we're going to do that. Of course you, Maura.

What did you think? I want all of you to roll medicine. Are we all rolling medicine? Sure. I rolled a four. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Uh-oh. That's 22. 14. I rolled a four. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Uh-oh.

That's 22. 14. I got a nat 20. Oh! Okay. Boom! That is definitely enough to give a real good shock to Anthony's system and restart, jump kick his heart.

And he kind of shoots up sitting forward, and his eyes are super alert. And then they slowly fall back into very sad eyes and tears well up in them, because he remembers that he's alive again, and life is pain. I'm alive. I'm alive.

Well, at least it's harder to identify the tears because you're covered in water. Okay. Perspective. You've been given a second chance What about that? You know what? Hit me with another bucket of water

I was at peace For a brief moment The word Janice was nowhere in my brain We're not gonna murder you Love that idea though Love that we're brainstorming Love that for you girl We're all gonna come up with an idea

And that's your idea. And that's a good one. It is a good one. We'll just do that one last. Okay, but I'm pretty sure we could just skip to the end but if that's what you think. I'm just trying to save you time. Man, this guy is so sad.

Yeah, I feel like I'm going through a breakup. We gotta get him happy again. Please. Something has to be done. No, look down here. Something has to be done. He keeps sad eating all of the food in the kitchen. It's insane. It's insane.

Is this anybody's? That's me. I'm just going to have it. Put me down. Put me down. It's me. Down the hatch. That's our friend Jennifer.

Put her down. Okay, Jennifer's going to roll to see if she can catch your teeth before she goes down your throat. For dexterity. She rolled a three, so she goes down your throat. Oh no. Are you guys going to try to Heimlich her out?

We all rub our feet again. Rub your feet, yes. We got to stop his heart so we can get jennifer out okay also anthony jennifer starts kind of clawing at like the inside of your throat and stomach oh spicy okay he's still staying in there yeah i want to shock jennifer out of anthony i want to cause fear on you as you try to do that. It's a first level necromancy spell. You have to succeed a wisdom saving throw and become frightened of me until the spell ends, which means you have to spend your whole turn

trying to get as far away from me as possible. Oh my god. Ooh, this guy wants to stay sad. I do have a negative one in wisdom so this is perfect. Okay, I rolled a four, so three. Yeah, that's not gonna do it. Oh no. So then, Chip, you immediately become terrified of Anthony in this moment.

Yeah, I sprint. I sprint away. The devil! The devil! That's our bouncer. We'll watch him. Look at him bounce now. Oh, he can't even tell a joke without crying.

Beef, I think you could do it. If anyone could cheer anyone up, it's you. Every time I'm sad, I just look over at you, Beef, and you're doing the weirdest shit I've ever seen. Yeah, you're right. You know what? Maybe I'll just sit Tony down and say some stuff, and maybe I'll turn him around.

Hey, Tony, you want to join me up on my stage right here in my office? I was planning on going to the bathroom and locking the door and staying in there for 45 minutes. Sounds fun, my dude. But maybe first we come up on stage and tune some of my little lutes with me, huh? Okay, sure. Yeah, just take one of these lutes. How's that feel in your hands? This is what real men feel like.

Holding a romantic instrument with which they can serenade their beloved. Yes, absolutely. Yes. You can serenade. Serenade. Serenade. Anyone you love. You know serenade?

Serenade. Yes. Wait, is serenade here? Oh my God, he's so hot. Where's serenade? You hear from the echoes of Anthony's throat. Serenade is here. Where is Sir Nade here? Oh my God, he's so hot. Where's Sir Nade? You hear from the echoes of Anthony's throat. Sir Nade is here. Where's Sir Nade?

I gotta meet Sir Nade. Yes, but you know, you have the romance inside of you, my young man. You're beautiful looking. Don't mind me saying that. No, I don't mind being lied to. I could live with being lied to. That's not a lie. Hey, Beef, I don't mind being lied to. I could live with being lied to. That's not a lie. Hey, beef, I can't lie.

Me, this little guy down here, I could never lie. I'm going to roll insight. I got a natural one. Oh, nice. That's right. I call it like a season. I guess you do. I see a big bird man who really knows what he likes.

You like ketchup, right? You know I love ketchup. Well, I mean, I love it in that it's the only condiment that you have in your pantry that doesn't smell like piss. So I'm going to drink that straight from the bottle. Love may be a strong word. Exactly. Love is like ketchup. It's not piss.

It feels like piss to me. Hey, but I got a laugh out of you. There's a couple of people in the audience. One guy leans over to the other and he's like, is this like performance art or something? So I think tonight, Tony, I think tonight for bar service, I'd love for you to write a little song for the crowd. And maybe Serenade a beautiful woman in the bar.

Okay. You think I could do that? I think you definitely can do it. You know what? I don't even think. Because I don't. I know. Okay.

I guess I'll lock myself in the bathroom and write lyrics instead of doing the thing that I normally do in the bathroom for 45 minutes. See, that seems productive to me. Get me out of here before he goes to the bathroom! Anthony hits himself on the chest and goes, sorry, indigestion, I'm sorry. Okay, so Anthony walks off to the bathroom and y'all four regroup. Right now, Beef, you're pretty uncertain that you've changed the mood of Anthony at all. So y'all are going to put your heads together as far as like, okay, who's got the next idea type thing. Okay, guys, I'm 100% sure that it's bad.

It's bad. I thought you were going to say that you did it. You're 100% sure it's bad? We that it's bad. It's bad. I thought you were going to say that you did it. You're 100% sure it's bad? We knew it was bad. I don't know. I spent a whopping, what was that, a full minute with that guy? I thought you started to tickle him a little bit up there. What do you mean it's bad?

We've been with him for a month. We know he's sad. Yeah. Before you went over there, you said you had a 100% success rate with stuff like this. Well, you know 100 can mean a lot of different things.

Good and bad. No, it can't. No, it can't. It really can't. Alright, you know what? I'm just going to go listen to the bathroom door. Maybe he's writing

a great song. Okay, let's go. Yeah, let's just go. And they like sort of stack their heads on top of each other and listen at the door. Don't masturbate.

Don't masturbate. Don't masturbate. Don't masturbate. Don't masturbate. Don't masturbate. Just write the song. Just write the lyrics. It's not going to be a problem. Just write the lyrics. It's not a bad song.

It's pretty good so far. I mean, this is going exactly how I thought it was going to go. I mean, it's very similar to a lot of beef songs, but that's okay. Don't masturbate. Don't masturbate. Yeah. All right. What rhymes with Janice?

Oh, no. That's not good. Oh, no. Janice, I'm a fan of you. He's trying to win her back. This is sad. Because Anthony's a warlock, he gets his powers from a pact

with a supreme deity, a dark deity. And that deity is all women that he worships. So he closes his eyes and goes, wonderful, beautiful women, strong, intelligent, three-dimensional, capable women, please. Yes!

Your wisdom. Your wisdom unto me. I don't know how to rhyme. I can't, nothing rhymes with Janice. That's not a weird slant rhyme. And do they answer your call? No. They have never answer your call? No. They have never answered his call, not once.

They're busy. They have things to do. They're three-dimensional characters with their own stories. Well, there's a three-dimensional rat woman inside you right now who's got a few minutes to talk about lyrics if you want. Fine. Woo! Oh, every

time that happens, it's like a fun water slide. I tell you what. A water slide that goes up? That's at least what I think that they're like. Anyways, all great lyrics come from truth. And right now you're hurting.

So I think don't run away from that. You know, lean in to the pain that you're feeling if you want to write a great song. You know what? That's a good idea. And I shoved Jennifer back into my mouth. All right. My song is going to be called Everybody Hurts.

And the lyrics go like this. If you want to be my girlfriend, you have to get with my friends. Friendship lasts forever. Marriage never ends. I get knocked down. And then I get up again. This is the chorus. I've never heard a lyric that just says,

this is the chorus before. All right, this is not going well. Chip kicks down the door. I want to kick down the bathroom door. Roll to kick it down. Okay. Strength check? Yeah.

Non-natural 20. Sweet. So the door breaks off its hinges, and Chip's standing there. Enough! Okay? I'm busy. I'm in here. I specifically told you never to come in here when I'm here, no matter what you hear. No, no, there. Enough! Okay? I'm busy. I'm in here.

I specifically told you never to come in here when I'm here, no matter what you hear. No, no, no. I don't want to hear it. We're going to go have some fun. And I grab him by his neck, and I drag him, and I pull him out, and I'm bringing, I want to bring him to like somewhere with games,

like a Dave and Buster's. We're going to Dave and Buster's. We're going to Dave and Buster's. we're going to Dave and Buster's we're going to Dave and Buster's you're going to Dave Batista's you're going to Dave Batista's and it's a guy that looks like Drax

runs it he's got like a big kind of barbarian type shaved head and it's only a couple storefronts down actually and there's a bunch of games in there that are all made of, like, tactile, different little tiny monsters and stuff. So, like, the whack-a-mole that they have there

is kind of like whack-a-mole, but it's these, like, nasty, gnarly-looking little bat-like creatures that come out of these holes that you have to try to hit with a hammer. A lot of stuff like that going on in there, and, of course, a lot of chances to win some tickets. It's open for business and fairly

crowded. Is the whole crew going? Yes. I have to. Chalice and Beef immediately walk over to whatever the equivalent of Dance Dance Revolution is. They have the high score there. That's another episode that we haven't seen, but they have the high score. That's where we are primarily.

We make a beeline. I grab Chip by his collar and I say, look, I know what you're trying to do. I know you're trying to cheer me up, but I just want you to remember that I'm still your insurance agent. And if I don't have a good time here, I'm turning down every single last claim

you've made on that piss-smelling-ass bar. Okay, I grab him right back. We're both holding each other now. And I say, that's exactly why I brought you here. Okay, you're an insurance guy, right? Uh-huh. So the one thing you like is numbers, risk assessment. That's what games is, pal.

That's what games is. All right, what's the most risk-assessment-y, number-y, crunchy game in here? Hmm. You can roll for perception. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I do roll a two. The game that you see is the game where a guy's got a hammer and he hits a thing,

and the thing goes up and almost, if you hit it really hard, it'll hit a bell at the top. Yeah, see? There you go. Assess your percentages or whatever, okay? Put your numbers on top of each other. Carry the one, whatever you need to do. Just smack that thing. Carry the one.

I have a negative one modifier to my strength, so that's what I'll be carrying, but I guess I'll give it a try. Patui, patui, he spits onto his wings. Aww. Oh, yeah, that's right. You don't have hands. The hammer doesn't stay

in his hands because they're wings and they're not articulated. Yeah, I got a 12. Okay, so the little metal piece that runs up the scale goes about halfway,

a little over, and right next to it in words, it says, not enough to sustain a marriage. That's the text that's there. What are you doing, Jeff? Oh, so specific. I nudge a nearby woman that's like standing beside me.

I'm like, hey, pretty strong, right? Check this guy out. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? Yeah, yeah. Oh. This is my good bud, Anthony. Oh, a pleasure. He's a, you know, he's an insurance guy. Let's just say. Oh, insurance. That's a steady line of work. What's your name? It's Kim, Kimmy. Kim Kimmy. Hi, Kim Kimmy. Yeah, maybe I could buy you two a drink. Is this a threesome thing?

Is this whole bar a polycule? Is that why it's so weird? I mean, I'm not against it. I've been known to dabble and dibble, both dibble and dabble. He never has been in one. In the first episode, I was in a threesome. We're not sure they didn't just fall asleep.

That's not fully, we'd never confirm. That is canon. I have a threesome and that is canon. I have a threesome with a canon. Anthony. I just want to say all the while this is happening, there is a crowd

forming around Chalice and Beef because our numbers are skyrocketing on day two. We're amazing. Instead of arrows, it's just like it's four birds. And like every time you step on them, they go, That's offensive. Particularly offensive because Anthony's a bird.

Yeah, I'm looking at that just crying. I feel like them. I mean, okay. I actually just got out of like a long-term relationship. That's perfect. That's great. Meeting people would be nice. That's so good. Oh. Because that's exactly what he's going through. It's actually really hard. Noterm relationship. That's perfect. That's great. Meeting people would be nice. That's so good.

Oh. Because that's exactly what he's going through. It's actually really hard. No, no, it's perfect. That's so good to hear. Were you in love with Janice too? I don't know who Janice too is. The sequel is not as good as the first. Unlike Paddington. No, but

this breakup is kicking my ass My friends had to force me out Same I don't even want to be here, honestly I bring them two drinks and I'm like smirking the whole time And I'm like a little kid who's so happy And I like put them in front of them and like slink away And I'm so excited

So what do you do, Kim Kimmy? Um, yeah, I actually It's a pretty boring job. I'm in logistics. What does that mean? It's just moving things from point A to point B, and I figure out the best way to do that, whether we're going to use air, like get a dragon to do it,

or to go underground through the tunnels using dwarves. Can I kiss you? I feel like we have a connection. Oh, my God. I asked. I'm a feminist. Oh my god. I asked. I'm a feminist. I'm an ally. You what? You asked while you were like thrusting towards me. Yeah,

but you have good reflexes. I could tell if it was a no, you could dodge. Kimmy, Kim Kim, is this guy bothering you? I mean, everything was kind of going pretty well and then, like, he came with this really crazy, sad, aggressive energy. That's my brand!

With two wing feathers pointing at myself. Oh, no. This guy's sad. Honestly, it's making me feel a lot better about my situation. Totally. You want to go get Frozio? Let's get Frozio. Yeah, let's go.

Elizabeth, have you ever met a woman before? Not on this podcast. And that's canon. That is canon. That is canon. I'm crying. That is canon. I was one of the women in the threesome.

Okay, so after the gang's done wrapping things up at Dave and Batista's, they head back to Bottoms Up to lick their wounds, both physical and metaphysical. You guys, I knew I should have gone first. You know nothing about love. So, you know what? I'll just, I'll fix it. Chalice has to fix it.

What are you? Mine worked. He's fixed. Did it? Because look at him. And he's literally in a puddle on the ground that he made with his own tears. A puddle. I'm doing the backstroke. I'm doing a circle. Chalice is going to go upstairs to her room and she opens a trunk. And she's just like pulling out like scarves and various wigs and gowns and dresses and then she's like, this will do.

And she comes down the stairs five minutes later and she is to the best of her ability dressed herself up as Janice. Oh no. That's not what I was expecting. It's gonna work. What are you guys doing? Oh no.

Chalice, no. Chalice, please. What. What are you guys doing? Oh, no. Chalice, no. Chalice. Chalice. Chalice, please. What? Oh, what are you doing? He's on the edge. He is on the edge.

It's not going to work. No, beef, beef, beef, beef. Let her do it. Does anyone remember what Janice's voice sounded like? Actually, I do remember what she sounded like. She sounded like this. That's what she sounded like. Yeah, that is what she sounded like. She sounded like this. That's what she sounded like. Yeah, that is what she sounded like.

And she snorted when she laughed. She would snort really hard when she laughed, too. Like that. Yeah, kind of like that. I got it. I got it. This is going to be great. You're welcome, everybody.

Thank you so much for this. Honestly, Chalice. Thank you. Actually, thank you. Thank you so much for this moment Honestly, Chalice. Thank you. Actually, thank you. Thank you so much for this moment. Anthony, cough me up. I don't want to miss this. Please let me see this train wreck.

Do I have to roll for something? Yes, you rolled deception. I rolled a 19. Whoa. Nice. It's a 25. Okay. So I assume, Anthony, when you look up,

you 100% believe that it's Janice standing in front of you. With my six perception score? Yeah, I sure do. Yeah. Okay. So that's what it is. Uh, yeah! Anthony!

Jan! I quickly stand and try to straighten out my feathers and wipe the tears from my everything and from the floor and just try to push the big puddle of water under a table. I go, Janice, what are you doing here, honey? Anthony, I'm back! And then she falls down the stairs because she's not used to the shoes that she's wearing. And she lands at the bottom and flips her wig up.

I'm just here to remind you that I'm actually kind of stinky, and you're over-romanticizing me in your head. Janice, what happened to your voice? Where's your extremely specific foreign but not quite racist accent? Uh-oh. Give her a minute. Oh, no. He actually believes that it's her. This is probably not good.

Keep what? No, this is great. This is probably not good. Keep what? No, this is great. Well, then, I happen to think that you are dreaming about me too much. I stink and I'm dumb. I think this is offensive. You're forgetting how annoying I was.

Wait, no, this is offensive. There's that voice that I've dreamed of every night before going to sleep. No, I'm awful. I'm terrible. You're remembering me wrong. I'm the worst. How can you say that? Remember when we first met and you told me that people would take me more seriously if I stopped dressing like a bird and started dressing like a human?

Remember how you told me to not hang out with my family anymore and my life would get better and that it did because you and I started seeing each other? Don't you remember that? That was great. Oh my gosh, she does suck. Did she really say that? Did I? I'm a monster! Oh! No, you were my monster. No, no, no!

Do you think that? No, I'm actually, um, yeah, uh... Alice is realizing she didn't maybe have a full plan. Well, now that you're here, we can pick up where we left off. If you're coming back to me telling me that you're a monster, I assume that's like an apology. So I accept, of course, that we can get married again right now.

I'm not apologizing. I'm saying you're too good for me. It's time to let you go then. Off to the side Jennifer jumps up on Chip's shoulder and he goes you have to fake her death I was just gonna say that to her I was just gonna say

yeah Chalice is like two minutes into a song about how Anthony should move on and how he's too good for her it has to be an accident alright it has to be an accident oh accident an accident, all right? It has to be an accident. Oh, accident! Axe!

An axe! Axe! Go and live your life! I run towards Janice and I... And I... Okay. It has to be an accident, right? So I run and I accidentally throw my axe right at Chalice's head.

Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Two different rolls. Roll for performance first to see if you can sell that it looks like an accident. Okay. Okay. 17. Okay. And then roll an attack roll. Okay.

Oh, I rolled... No. Did you crit? No. I didn attack roll. Okay. Oh, I rolled... No. Did you crit? No. I did crit. Oh, my God. Anthony, we're still level one at this point, so this is bad news.

I did crit. Okay. How much damage did you do? It's making a romance between our characters so much harder. It's pretty clearly won't they right now, I think. Yeah, won't they, won't they. Okay, I rolled a 14 damage. So 14 damage.

Does that kill you, Chalice? No. Oh. Okay, but it could believably kill you. I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm dying, probably. And I whisper, I try and whisper, like, oh no, oh no. Pretend to die.

Pretend to be dead. I can't believe you killed me, Jeff. Pretend to be dead. I can't believe you killed me. I'll explain it all later. I'll explain it all later. Drag her away. Drag her away.

She's going to die. Oh my God, my friend killed me. Oh no, she's dead. Assuming everybody is sort of standing next to each other and freaking out about this, I, having just seen my almost fiancee presumably die in front of me, I turn to the others with fire burning

in my bird-like eyes. And I slap my hands together and I say, women of the world, I call upon you. See what they have done. Joan Didion, help me. And I cast Burning Hands on every single creature in a 15-foot cone. You have to make a

dexterity 12 saving throw or you take 3d6 fire damage or half as much on a successful save. Roll a d20, everybody. 17. I rolled a 15. I rolled a 3. So the first of you takes 3 damage. The second of you already have, so it takes 4 damage. And then Beef,

11 damage. What have you done? She was just about to come around. It was finally happening to me. It was finally gonna be my time. Oh no, do we commit or do we tell them that this is fake? Just in that moment, the front door bursts open

and the real Janice walks in. What? I was thinking... Okay, go ahead. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Oh, Anthony. I was thinking about it.

Higher. Higher. I was thinking about it. I've missed you so much My lovey dovey Please I was hoping you would come back with me And we can figure it out

I run towards her and also Throw my axe No Chip no No more accidents Okay What'd you roll? A 4 for performance And a 16 for attack roll.

So it looks extremely intentional. So that hits. How much damage does it do to the real Janice? Eight. Janice, with an axe now sticking out of her, goes, I don't know what you think you're doing here, but if you think you're going to keep me from reclaiming

my little sad boy servant thing. That's me. No, she's a monster. As you say she's a monster, you see eight different legs come out of her back and kind of like envelop her. Vindicatedicated i made the right choice

so anthony you are up next what are you going to do who's who are you siding with so uh this is the first time i've seen janice's true form because she's never let me uh see her uh naked because we were saving it for marriage. It's cool. It's great. Not upset about it at all. Definitely don't have a lot of repressed anxiety over it. So I see the same man attack what I assume to be the love of my life twice,

this time extremely intentionally. And that overrides the fact that eight legs just came out of her. So I'm going to point at Chip and I'm going to cast Hellish Rebuke, which is something that happens when... Technically, it's supposed to be when a creature damages you, but I feel like emotionally you've damaged me. I did. So I point my hands at you and I say all women are queens

and you have to make a dexterity saving throw. You have to beat a 12 dexterity and you take 2d10 fire damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful save. Okay, whether I fail or am successful, either way, I believe that all women are queens, so just let that be known. Oh, really? Yes.

Oh, yeah, sure, Chip. Just because I threw attacks at two different women does not mean I don't believe all women are queens. Wow. I did roll a 9, and I assume that you sound like a lot of guys I dated in my early 20s. So you're going to take eight damage.

Okay. And I'm going to say, you get away from my soon-to-be wife. Dude, you have no chance. Did you hear? She said she wanted me back. I'm so mean.

No, go propose again. See what happens. I will. As a free action on my turn, I will spend my movement to drop to one knee, making myself prone. And I will say, I'll say, Janice,

now that I see you in your glory, in your multifaceted, multilimned glory, I am reminded that you are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. And now there's just more of you to love. Will you do me the honor of being Mrs. Anthony Birch

Janice whatever your last name is? It's Pannis. Now I will Your voice changed. Voice changed.

Big voice. She's doing like an evil speech now. Now here's the deal. I will accept your proposal if you accept

my counter proposal. You serve me for all of eternity. I'll stop you right there you accept my counterproposal. You serve me for all of eternity. I'll stop you right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Yes, obviously. Does anything about my vibe make you think I wasn't going to be into that? Yes, obviously. Of course. Good, good. Now give us a kiss, just not on the lips. I'll do it on the carapace.

You know what, guys? Maybe they deserve each other. After watching all of that. A chalice goes, she's like, obviously, maybe, she thinks maybe perhaps using her last words for this. Are we really, do we really deserve bottoms up if we let him be with a bad person? I know that he would probably give us a good review

if we let him go off with her and do all the insurance claims. But we'd be bad people. She's still alive. You're still alive. Not totally, though. Not totally, though. What's your health? What's your health?

Two. Me, too, and I'm two. Oh, shut up. I'm almost dead, too. He threw something at me. No, come on. Shut up, guys. And we're all standing up. Oh, my God. chilling. Oh, shut up. Yeah, I'm almost dead too. He threw something at me. No, come on, shut up, guys. And we're all standing up. Oh my God, Chalice, stand up.

Stand up. Get off the freaking ground. I also fully didn't understand anything you said while you were on the ground. Did anyone get what she was saying? Yeah, she's saying that we should help. Oh, buggers. I know. Wait, we should help by let them be or we should help by...

I don't know. He seems happy. Look at him. He's happy now. Look at him kissing her little belly or whatever the hell. We spent the last month with this guy. We don't want him to be a servant for all of eternity to this monster. We don't?

This is a real dilemma. He seems kind of happy. I don't know what... Jennifer, what do you think? I don't know. This guy what do you think? I don't know. This guy's a f***ing weirdo. Maybe he would just be happy. He's the happiest I've definitely seen him the whole time.

Jennifer has been eaten by this guy like three times. We can't trust Jennifer's opinion. Jennifer, what does his heart look like on the inside? Small. Like the Grinch? Yeah. It would take a true moment of pure love and friendship to make it grow three sizes, that's for sure.

Wait, that just gave me an idea. I think we, in unison, should go... Rub our feet. If she's what makes you happy, we are happy for you. We just want you to do We are happy for you. We just want you to do what's best for you. And if that's staying with real... This is a little too long for unison, but...

We can do it. We can do it. Okay, let's all link arms. Chalice, you can stay seated. Thank you. Chalice, stand up. Are you serious? Don't talk to me! Is this about me stabbing you in the head? Shut up, Chip. All right.

We. Does it start with the word we? Yeah. What was the first word? I don't remember. I think it's we. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm definitely ready. I'm definitely. I feel really ready. Okay. We're all ready. Anthony. We.

We. Just want you to be happy. Just want you to be happy. If that's with the real Janet, then we're happy. If she makes you happy, then we're happy. With us. And we love you. And just come over for dinner sometime.

We'll put the holidays together. That'd be fun. You don't need anybody. You've been playing second bassoon in your life's orchestra for a long time, and you put in the work on yourself? I don't remember that part at all. Anthony pisses himself and has a heart attack. Okay, so Janice shoots her web at Anthony's body

and completely wraps it up. Think Shelob in Lord of the Rings style and kind of like picks him up with her body. And then she goes Anyone comes between me And my prize Is going to get a bite And not a very unpoisonous one either

Did you say prize? Yes, this is my little prize that I have here I hope Anthony heard that. He really would love that. No, it's... He would love to hear that. Don't you see? He should be with me.

With me. It's where he's happiest. When he doesn't have to worry about making decisions for himself. He likes this better when I'm telling him what to do and abusing him. Hmm. Does he make you happy, Janice? F*** no.

I'm never happy. I'm just a constant gaping hole of need. I constantly need more. There's nothing anyone could do to fill my hole. I'll be the one to change that. I'm sure I can fix her. Anthony, no.

He's so tightly wrapped up like a little kid in his sleeping bag at a sleepover. I feel very safe, weirdly. Just so cozy and happy. He's kind of cute. Shall we try something? I have an idea. Sure. I noticed that you have eight legs.

I think I might have something that you might enjoy. Beef, I'm sorry. Have you ever heard of Dance Dance Revolution? Never apologize to me. And he rips his clothes off and he's wearing like a full like tracksuit.

Black tracksuit. Made out of sequins. We're gonna lose our high score for sure but I think if she tried it she would be fulfilled and she'd leave Anthony alone let's do it okay so we cut to

are you taking the real Janice the whole gang the whole gang walks over to David Batista's yeah to David Batista's

okay you're at David everyone politely walked in there to get wine. Field trip. Anthony, a battle field trip. You've never done that? Everyone maintains their initiative order, but

they all go. In combat like this, we're just completely derailed into a conversation that turned into an environment change to play a game. Please say yes. Please say yes.

Please say yes. Oh, yeah. We're making Dungeons & Daddies seem like a book about D&D. Like a Bible. Yeah, this makes me look like a f***ing genius. Oh, brother. Okay, so the whole gang,

including everyone who was at Bottoms Up, also just got up with y'all and decided to head on over to Dave and Batista's to see what's going on. So now there's a pretty big sizable crowd at Dave and Batista's watching Chalice and the real Janice play this version of Dance Dance Revolution. Yeah. So Beast is sort of dressed up for nothing. Oh, I thought she was going to be...

Is she on both of them? Yeah, she's on both of them. Because she has eight legs? So she can have one leg per button? Oh, okay. So the real Janice is straddling both sides of the game? Yeah, and she doesn't have to move or really dance because she has eight legs.

She can just press the... Yeah. Okay, cool. So the game fires up, and then the music, there's a little band of really small, like hamster looking creatures who are inside, like a case inside this game who are playing music with string instruments really fast.

And the birds all start squawking and kind of raising off the air. And as soon as they start gaining a little bit of flight, you put your foot down on them, or in this case, one of the spider legs, and it starts off pretty easy and then starts warming up and getting a little bit quicker and quicker.

What's like a classic Dance Dance Revolution song? Sandstorm? The reflex is an organism Every time we touch, I get that feeling Anthony can start playing the song that he wrote in the bathroom. Yes. Oh, my God. Thank you, Anthony.

He starts playing the fantasy version of Tub Thumpin' by Chumbawamba. And quickly, the spider's legs keep going quicker and quicker and quicker. And you're getting the little hamster people inside the box are screaming things like, Perfect! Great job! Awesome! And the song finishes, and Janice is just left there kind of breathing very heavily. She did it!

She broke our high score! You did it, honey. Anthony, did you write that song? I did, to try and get over you. Ah, you must have a lot of love for me. Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's been my whole thing, yeah. I tried to, pretty much from day one, I was pretty clear on that. I thought, yeah.

Well, this is the closest I've ever been to understanding that. Love has been a very foreign concept for me, don't you see? Oh. So you're in love with the Dance Dance Revolution machine is what you're telling me. You're breaking up with me a second time is what you're telling me. Yes. Okay, cool. But I want you to know that it is for your own good.

I'm not someone who's capable of being a part of the relationship that you need. And I, for the first time, understand how much love you have to give. And another person would be very happy to have you. Chalice, you kind of just did this thing like 20 minutes ago. Yeah, why is it working when she freaking does it? I don't know. It's like almost the exact same thing. I am having such a bad day.

This time I hear this, it kind of works. But I hear something about the way that you say it. Your accent is just on the right side of not being racist enough that it really connects with my heart. She said almost the exact same thing that you said. Chip, you think I don't know? You don't need to endear yourself to me right now. I'm still pissed at you. Well, I feel like more alone than I ever have.

But at the same time, less so. Because all of you came together and helped my ex. Oh it feels actually okay to say that this time. You helped my ex find happiness and that's really kind and now I guess I know what it's like to have friends.

Now that said I did spend a month in your bar and there are a lot of pretty bad safety violations. Some of those were your fault. Okay. All right. Well, Oh,

this hug. This is nice. So somebody said something about a threes. Yeah. I can keep this wig on for a couple more. Yeah. I don't have to be at work. Yes.

Beef. You do. You do. And let, Hey guys, instead of dance Dance Revolution, let's call it Janice Pannis Revolution. And let's dance all night.

And we do. And we do. And they do. The real Janice crawls up the wall and out through the chimney of Dave and Batista's and leaves the rest of the gang there. Yeah, hey, man. I'm proud of you.

That must have been really hard. Yeah, it was a little hard, but... improv masterclass. Unsurprisingly, we all end up in the middle of the woods during this one. Find this episode and more over on the Patreon. That's patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Have a great week. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song and Grace Harper did the editing. And this week we were joined by Anthony Birch. Anthony is the wickedly talented DM of the podcast Dungeons & Daddies, now on their second season.

I could go on all day about how great their show is, but in order to save some time, I'll just say this. It is my favorite podcast. A link to Dungeons & Daddies is in the show notes. For our LA friends, we have a Wet Bus live show coming up on Thursday, May 12th at 7pm at the Skip Town Playhouse. The lead, Aaron, and myself will be doing improv as Wet Bus, and Elizabeth will be doing solo characters. A link to buy tickets to the show can be found in the show notes as well. And that is not all. Elizabeth hosts a monthly show called the Illuminati Hour,

and this month's show is on Saturday, May 21st at the Yard Theater at 9.30pm, and our very own Aaron Keefe will be performing improv with them as a guest. And as you may have guessed, a link to tickets for the Illuminati Hour can be found in the show notes as well. I think that's it for now. Until next week. And thanks, as always, for listening.