SitcomD&D - S1 E13: My Super Fire Sixteen

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

When the richest kid in town's birthday is coming up, you know the one place he'll be throwing his bday bash: Bottom's up! Bottom's Up? Really? Surprisingly, the gang is not fully prepared and suited for such an extravagant event. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean Coyle Link to Elizabeth's Show: The Illuminati Hour Link to Wet Bus Show: Wet Bus Show Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I had a sandwich this week that was just cheese and it wasn't a grilled cheese. So that's the kind of self-care I'm practicing. And when you say just cheese, does that even include any bread things? Oh, yeah, I guess I just had a slice of cheese. It was just two pieces of Swiss and a piece of Swiss in between. Yeah, three Swiss. Are there any condiments on it?

I have to know. It's just cheese. Well, I do a real sandwich. I put like mustard on it, but this was not a real sandwich and didn't deserve your respect. This was not a real sandwich. This was a slice of cheese. Sounds like it was a slice of cheese. I did have the most amazing sandwich the other day.

I opened a fridge, got out some cheese. And ate a sandwich. And ate the sandwich. And that was my sandwich. You guys are such a good couple. Yeah, we are only buying cheese. Can you guys help? Babe, I made you a sandwich.

All right, it's a slow day there are only two customers a teenage boy and an adult dwarf and you get the vibe that they're very rich and since there's nobody else that bottoms up Chip and Chalice you have both been their servers

Seb you've been involved since they're VIP customers. And Beef, you've been playing a little matinee set, but you're taking a break now. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling

absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else.

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Things are wrapping up and they finished their meals. What do y'all want to do? I'm going to sprint over to the table as fast as I can. I sprint too. I sprint too. I sprint faster. And I can. I sprint too. I sprint faster.

I slide. I run and I slide onto my knees with a begging for a tip. I blow a whistle like a lifeguard and I go, no running! When Chalice hears that, she just starts run walking, but then she goes over. She doesn't slide on her knees. She dives over, does a somersault,

lands in front of him with her arm out. I'm like, yeah, I look like Oliver Twist. I look like a cuter Oliver Twist. And do you say anything? I'm waiting for my tip. My hands are cupped. I raise my cupped hands and I give them the biggest sad eyes in the world. I spit in his cupped hands, and then I give them the biggest sad eyes in the world.

Oh, gross. What do you guys want? Well, I have been your server today, and we just thought- Money. We thought money. Okay. I mean, do we get the check? Oh.

Oh. Chalice sprints back towards the bar. I'll let her get it. No running. She's kind of the one that does that. I cannot have another slip and fall situation. You know when kids try to run quickly by a pool and they're just sort of speed walking with their arms?

That's what Chalice is doing. Is being a teenager the same as it was when I was a teenager? Are you still talking to me? Do you know who I am? Yeah, some cool teen. Just like I used to be.

The dwarf pipes in. You're talking to Richie Mitchie Warbucks, the richest kid in all of Syndicatia. So mind your manners. Oh, I'll take the check. I'll actually handle this too. Oh, don't worry about it. I'm able to be casual because I'm also actually pretty well known around these parts.

I'm actually to be casual because I'm also actually pretty well known around these parts. I'm actually Chip Ahoy. Don't talk to my butler and don't look at him. Hey, Seb. Could I get my break sandwich while I'm hanging out? Yeah, I mean, you gotta find it. That's part of the deal.

Can I at least get a clue I'm hungry um what gets wetter as it dries the bathroom and then he sprints off to the bathroom it's a towel it's under this towel in front of me it's a towel it's right it wasn't

oh god oh we catch back up with uh Richie actually now that I've got you guys here i want to run something by you um no oh sorry there's no running actually okay you know what forget it let's just get out of here mr albatross i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry okay mr albatross earm. The dwarf puts his hands over his ears. So I've been wanting to find a spot to throw my 16th birthday bash. And I think that this dump actually might be perfect.

It's not in the bathroom. I'm going to try the attic. It's under the towel. Are you kidding me? I took it off. Look at the little smell lines. I'm wafting them toward. No, don't run.

Don't run. Did somebody say birthday bash? Hi, I'm Chalice Glass, former princess and aspiring party planner. How do you do? Yeah, you've been standing here. And you've been, you served me for my meal. I know who you are. That was so weird.

Okay. Yeah, no, I'm thinking that, you know, this place might just be perfect. It's kind of got like, you know, with your situation, you guys might be a little bit more lenient for the right price on your rules. The rules about running?

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. But if I were to say, you know, offer you a large sum of gold. Gold, I'm sorry. 100, 200, oh. Ow, Seb, you don't have to push me out of the way. Sorry, sorry. I crawled here when I heard money.

What's going on? Can you stand up? It's easier to talk to you if you're standing. Sorry, I just behave like a hungry dog when I hear a large sum of gold. What is going on? I was just telling these two that, well, I'm sure you know who I am, Richie Mitchie Warbucks,

and I'm interested in throwing my, yes, I'm interested in throwing my 16th birthday bash here. Tell me when I'm getting warm on a number that would suffice. 100 gold? 200 gold? 300 gold? 100 gold is definitely great.

Chalice, Chalice, Chalice. What? What? What? 100 gold is a lot to us. 100 gold sounds like a pretty fair price. I'll tell you what. Chalice looks around at them like a pretty fair price. I'll tell you what. Chalice looks around at them like, you're welcome.

I look over at Albatross, who's just the whole time just earmuffs for this entire thing. He looks back at you and then removes his earmuffs for a second, like if someone expecting him to talk. And then Richie screams at him earmuffs mr albatross and he goes back and he looks really scared and his earmuffs are back on i'm so i'm so sorry i feel so bad that i caused that uh so 100 gold's a lot to y'all. What do you say? Do we have a deal? I'm looking to throw this on the last Friday of the month. Last Friday. We don't have anything going on.

Yeah, we have nothing. We would pretend to check our calendars, but we definitely don't have anything going on that day. Okay, 75 gold might work for this deal then it sounds like. No, no, no, no. We have a whole bunch of, we have a shatter ball in the basement where we shatter bottles by throwing them at each other.

And come on, guys. We can't go lower. We need 100 gold. Okay, okay, 100 gold. 100 gold, 100 gold last friday of the month my birthday bash 16th birthday bash richie mitchie warbucks it's gonna be huge i'm excited i'm really excited so do we have a deal beef is uh outside in the bushes looking for his lunch sandwich. He comes in with like brush in his hair. I guess I'm starving today.

I can't find this freaking sandwich. It's on the bar. The towel is off of it. It's on the bar. Is that another clue? Is that another clue? No, that is a description of where it is. Like what is going on?

You know, this is really, this is inhumane. If I was an animal, PETA would take you away from me. I don't have time for this. I'm negotiating the deal of my life right now. Richie, you've got a deal. First Thursday of the month for 80 gold coins. What the? Stop!

Chow! Chow! Literally none of those details are right. Let's just make sure that this place is party perfect for the last Friday of the month for my birthday bash. And you know what? If this all really goes super well, then there might even be a big tip for you guys

at the end of this thing. Whoa. Beef. But remember, tips are based on service. And my whole experience here eating was very bizarre. So I'm just going to leave. So keep it up. You're welcome.

All right. So we're going to make it very bizarre for this event. I want it party perfect. Bizarre. You understand? Yes, I can hear that. OK. I had the best 16th birthday party of all time.

I don't know if you've heard of it. Half the kingdom set on fire. I don't mean to brag, but it was a huge, very awesome, cool, memorable party. So don't worry. I'm a party expert. Cool story, bro. What was that, like 40 years ago?

That was really mean. But technically true, right? Ha! Sha! Sha! Ha! Sha! Sha! Sha! Alright. Later, losers. Make sure the place looks sick AF. Peace.

Sister Albatross is closing his eyes and still has earmuffs on, so he doesn't know that Richie Mitchie Warbecks has walked out. I tap him. I tap him. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Oh!

Oh, my God. I lost him lost him oh and i scared you where's richie where's your dad or whoever you whoever that guy is get out of here he left he's my he's my butt lee i butler him oh i'm gonna go get your butt, Lee. Beef, you thought the teenager was that old guy's dad? Hey, age is, I don't see age. Maybe something you should try. Oh, my God. Cool. Now, where the hell is this goddamn sandwich? It's right there, B.

It's right there. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I

would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire

to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So it is now the day of Richie Mitchie's 16th birthday bash. What have you all done to decorate and prepare Bottoms Up? I blew up a bunch of toads to be balloons a la Shrek. So there's just a bunch of like filled up toads all over the place. Amazing.

So the kitchen rats, Chalice has been working with them for like a lot, like weeks and weeks. She's got, made them little white tuxes. And she, they already have a big band with like a little conductor and they're doing like sort of jazzy hits. Jennifer goes, OK, so we're just mostly keeping to the standards. But if you want to swing into anything a little dance here, just let me know. Honestly, Jennifer, feel it out.

We trust you one thousand percent. And if also any if anything like dramatic happens, feel free to run with that, too. You know, like if the vibe of the party changes like set the score for the party you know yeah awesome awesome yeah 10-4 and jennifer not to freak you out but if you do mess up we'll turn you into a balloon and she points to the frog balloons oh my god what do you know that guy oh you know that guy yeah phil from he works at a bar down the street we always hang out on industry night What, do you know that guy? Oh, you know that guy? Yeah, Phil. He works at a bar down the street. We always hang out on industry night.

Looks like the money man is here. And Beef comes through the door and he's wearing an immaculate money suit with dollar bills all over it. Perfectly tailored. And he's throwing up fake money up into the air i'm made of money i'm made of cash i'm mr money look what's in my ass and he's got beef connects with the teens so well the teens are gonna freaking love that well they're i will say all the teens a lot of teens the bar is already full of around like 50 rowdy teens right whoa seb is uh pulling uh around a rickshaw with um with a bunch of hay bales in it so i'm just doing indoor uh hay rides and honestly teens would love that too yeah i mean teens love it what kind of what kind of teen doesn't want to want to ride around

the corners of the bar a bar hayride for teen men they're gonna go wild for that shit it's important to note that Chalice has recreated her 16th birthday party outfit

so she has a sash that says birthday princess and her eyes are like really wide like she's trying to hold on to something from her past that's like in a really unhealthy way.

She sort of looks like one of those toddlers in tiaras. Little girls like her hair is super done up and like she's wearing those like white flipper teeth. She looks like a little crazy. Does she have her what's it called like super juice where it's like mountain oh yes mountain dew and red bull and like pixie sticks uh she definitely has a super juice because she she needs this party to go perfect just like her party well now is the time because you hear some trumpeting outside and you all race to just outside of bottoms up and you see richie mitchie pulls up to bottoms up in a stretch carriage it's got 16 wheels and one very tired pony pulling it. The carriage door is open for him and he steps out in a very fancy noble outfit.

He's got like the muffin renaissance floppy hat with a feather in it, big poofy shoulders and big poofy pantaloons. He's looking fresh to death. and big poofy pantaloons he's looking fresh to death he starts walking down a red carpet that gets unfurled and there's um little painter uh elves who are creating portraits of him in real time very quickly almost like you know paparazzi uh high elves and he comes in two bottoms up and he is ready to be greeted by the party everyone's already screaming for him like oh my god he's here he's here now do you guys want to say anything to him i join in that i i do this what they were doing oh my god he's here he's here oh my god yeah richie i know

this is gonna be is there's a lot of people in there and you're probably gonna get nervous but you look great uh you look really nice uh and uh i just wanted to give you a little birthday kiss if i may for good luck you may not uh he looks around the room he surveys everything and he's like okay there's a lot that is not up to my expectations right now. If I'm going to be honest, you guys, I'm fairly disappointed. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, man, the money man hates to hear that. Yeah, we spent way more than 100 gold coin on all these decorations.

That is really disappointing for us to hear. Literally, I learned how to rickshaw. So this was kind of a wash for me. Yeah. Okay. I mean, um, as long as everyone's like having a good time,

I guess it's not that big of a deal. Just then we see a group of what you can only assume is the cool kids. It's Jimmy J. Cooterton walks up with the group of cool kids. You can immediately tell that this group of friends is who Richie Mitchie is trying to impress. They look like, you ever see one of those TikTok videos

where it's like typically teenagers and they all like look up at the same time and like try to look really hot and they typically have long hair? Yes, yes, I have seen those. Yeah, my feed is filled with that. Yeah, that's my full feed. Yeah. You do know what with that. Yeah, that's my full feed. Yeah.

You do know what I'm talking about, right? No, you're the only one with that on your For You page, Sean. You're alone. I mean, I've never seen it, but you described it so well. It's clear that you've seen many of these and you described it perfectly. Yeah. Yeah, it's like what would you do if the elevator doors open and this was looking at you? And it's like four 17-year-olds with long hair who look up at the same time and make the smolder face.

Oh my God. When he walks up to them, can Chalice go, is your last name Cootertown? It's pronounced Cooter-tin. Sounds like your last name is cooter town my name is chalice glass i'm a former princess and today's my 16th birthday no chalice runs outside and goes into the uh like like the limo carriage and comes out sort of like shirley temple posing trying to get the elves to paint her.

Hey, don't worry about her. She's not very cool. Me, on the other hand, I'm Chip Ahoy, and I toss him a toad. Oh, oh, gross. What the? Dude. This party's weird, Richie. What the hell? Hey, look no further. Look no further,

okay? I'm treating this just like it's my 16th birthday where a bunch of the really cool kids kidnapped me and put me in a field as a scarecrow. And you're going to love this. I was found approximately six days later completely dehydrated and just had lost about 26 pounds. So there's a lot of pranks to be had. All right.

There's a lot of debauchery. Hey, guys, this is my party and I need it to be perfect. And I really need to impress Jimmy J. Cooterton and the gang. Is there anything we can do about the music? And can we get the drinks a lot stronger? Yeah, absolutely. I'll save the party here comes money man and i'm doing the backwards moonwalk on the stage oh um oh wait wait oh i'm sorry um i actually um i just meant as far as you know getting the sound system

up and running i don't want you to perform uh we actually we're not gonna need you to perform actually money man because um i already booked and paid for the biggest pop star in all of syndication uh ariana venti is here and ariana venti walks out and she is, you all immediately recognize her as the biggest pop star in syndication. Oh, she's a purple tiefling. Tieflings are humanoids that have different colored skin and have horns. So Ariana Venti looks very famous and also rich. And she,

it's coming now to you, Beef. Oh, is there a good stage for me to do this? Can you help me get set up? Absolutely. It's this stage. It's my stage. I would be honored. You should know that our sound system is just acoustics.

It's just whatever sound comes from your instrument. That's our whole sound system. Yeah, but don't worry. You don't have any magic, magical spells or enchantments on an performance? Does a bunch of little rats count? Yeah, we have a bunch of little rats. And can I recommend that you just kind of cup your hands around your mouth? That usually, when we around your mouth that usually

when we have people that usually helps a lot also just stay clear of the stay clear of the hole on the stage that underneath is where the kittens sleep

so just stay away from that oh wow okay this is gonna be like my early days when I was first coming up this is cool

I'm getting back to my roots alright thanks you look so nice your hair smells like vanilla I'm getting back to my roots. You look so nice. Your hair smells like vanilla. I'm sorry, who was that? Oh my god, Seb. Keep up with the freaking stuff, man. Oh my gosh.

You're such an old dad. You're embarrassing me. I'm in my 16-year-old friend. That's like a little friend. That's like his little friend, right? Chalice, I'm going to be honest. The only person that's embarrassing me more than Seb is you right now. Okay? Who, me? You are my honey bun sugar pump.

I'm the yummy yumpkin. You're my sweetie pie. And she just is like not knowing. Chalice is not knowing how young is too young. She keeps just like missing the mark on 16. What happened on your 16th birthday, Chalice? I don't want to say. What happened to her? She's lost.

We've lost her. Flashback. Chalice, you're at your 16th birthday party and you are dressed to impress and you finally get your chance to address all the people who have come to your party. Hi, thank you so much for coming out to my 16th

birthday bash. Thank you so much MTV for being here. It's really a dream come true. I just wanted to... Fire! Fire! Fire! There's a fire! Half the town!

There's a fire! Half the town! Oh my god! The horses are dying. Oh, my God. This day will be remembered. Can you flashback, even go back to before that moment? We're back even further than that moment. Hey, Mikey, I wanted to take today, my birthday,

to tell you how I really feel about you. I just wanted to tell you that I... And how is that? Okay. I just wanted to say that i have a did you say something dude she's trying to talk to me oh i'm sorry i'm also mikey but i also don't know her so i that yeah she wants to talk to mikey p the peasant born yeah doubt it bro i am so sorry i'm i'm gonna just kind of go to a barn and kind of i don't know mikey p come back no no i'm going i just kind of go to a barn and kind of, I don't know. Mikey P, come back. No, no, I'm going to go kick over a lantern or something. Oh, no.

Oh, gosh. Oh, so stupid. Mikey P, please, I love you. She's talking to little lowborn like me. Mikey P, please, I love you. Now we're all the way back to present day. Chalice is like, her eyes are huge. Oh my.

Wow. Yeah. You're laughing. Yeah. But your eyes are sad. Yeah. It was the worst moment of my life. He didn't make it.

You know what? Today is going to be better, okay? Today we'll find you a new Mikey P. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it's fine. In this crowd of teens. Thank you.

You hear some really big applause happening, and you look up and you see that Ariana Venti has taken the stage. Okay, why? Hi, everyone. What? I'm sorry. Are you, like, sick or something? Like, why is everybody applauding you? Hi, everyone. What? I'm sorry. Are you, like, sick or something? Like, why is everybody applauding you?

Like, what's happening? Seb, Seb, Seb, Seb. Just be cool. I just don't get it. Why is she popular? She's famous. Be cool, be cool, be cool. I've never heard of her. Be cool. So, Jimmy J., Cooterton, and the gang look over at you and just start, like, shaking their heads, like, what an absolute loser. At least my last name's not Cooter-town. I shuffle can i shuffle to beside jimmy jay and i also like shake my head

can you like look up can you can you believe this guy yeah so that that group of five look up at you and are immediately kind of weirded out kind of scoot further into the audience. Um, and then, uh, Chalice scoots over to them to like, look at, uh,

chip to be like, can you believe that guy? So Chalice came on the other side and I was sitting in the middle and further up. You're kind of just sheep dogging them to the front of the stage. Uh, which beef is already at the front of the stage and he took his shirt off and he's swinging it around. I love you. I love you all too.

I'm going to start with an oldie because tonight's kind of, for me, about getting back to my roots. So sing along if you know it. And then I rolled for Ariana Venti and she, with her performance boost here, she rolled like a 26. So despite however I sound right now, you know that this shit is legit. It slaps. I was a country girl.

I love this song. And I came from a country girl. I love this song. And I came from a different world. World. But tonight, I want to be you. And you can be me. Oh, I love you. Let's be each other. Let's be each other forever. Let's be each other. Let's be each other forever.

Let's be each other. And that was a 26. Everyone goes absolutely berserk. How do you guys react? I throw my shirt on stage. I say, Sev, don't you get it now? She's perfect. I'm sorry.

You guys have to like it because it was a 26. You have to like it. I love it. Sure, I like it, but that has to be a cover. Is that the Doobie? Excuse me, miss. Is that the Doobie Brothers? Excuse me, miss.

Seb. What? I need to know. I like the Doobie Brothers. Check this out. She's young and cool and beautiful like me, Seb. She doesn't care about the doody brothers. Jesus.

Can I find where Richie, what's his name? Richie Mitchie? What's he up to? What's going on with him? Is he doing okay? Yeah, actually, he's sitting at the bar looking around like, what the hell? No one's serving me. And he looks pretty pissed.

Oh, okay. I sprint over and I jump over the bar. what the hell? No one's serving me. And he looks pretty pissed. Oh, okay. I, I sprint over and I jump over the bar and I'm like, Hey, happy to serve you. What, what you need pal? I mean,

something really strong. Oh, uh, can I see an ID? What are you talking about? Dude, all these teens are already shit-faced and i've been getting served all night what are you talking oh shit oh shit you didn't know damn oh no what is the drinking age what's the drinking age? What's the drinking age around here? 21, we'll say canonically. Okay. Oh, um, do you at least got a fake on you or something?

What? No, all the rats have been serving us all night. I don't... What? I'm paying you. You think I came here because I think this is a cool place? No, I know that my gold goes further and places like this are a little seedier we'll walk around the rules that's why we're all teens here who are shit-faced hey chip can i have 12 shots for me and my new best friends yeah of course can i see an id for me i baby i'm too young to drink

i'm so small and i'm a young i'm Yo, actually, though, you should cut her off. Me? She's had enough. Me? I pour Chalice 12 shots of like a non-alcoholic liquor. I'm like, hey, Richie, this is just between you and me, man. All right, here you go. And I slip him whatever he wants, including alcohol.

But I do it so nervously and i like identify seb in the crowd too hoping that like i'm trying to gauge seb's concern see if he cares at all pour from the green bottle pour from the green bottle that has the label the label that says ink you want me to serve him ink have him drink ink yes have him eat ink it's a prank it's a birthday prank you must be mishearing him you're saying drink have him drink ink yes so richie just grabs a bottle from behind the bar and pours himself a shot and takes it that's the ink that's the ink you got ink teeth you stupid son of a bitch happy birthday, you're pranking him. I'm pranking him.

What the fuck? I have ink teeth? Yeah. Oh, my God. Dude, this is... I think we're just going to call it. No, you look so good. You look so good. Ew, this guy kissed a squid.

I pranked him. I'm kidding. Can you make him stop? Seb. I really wish we could. Just then, Michelle P., who's a peasant girl from the town, goes up to Richie and says, Hey, I think your ink teeth look nice. Oh, my God.

Can you get Michelle to walk away, too? I just don't feel like talking to anyone right now. Hey, Michelle, get the hell out of here! Get out of here! You get out of here! Michelle bursts into tears and runs outside and sits on the curb with her head in her hands. Hey, I'm sorry about

Seb and I'm sorry about Michelle, okay? Dude, it's not even that. What's up, Ben? What's going on? What's up? You guys wouldn't even get it. Yeah, we would. We get it. Oh my God, dude. We get everything. Are you having boy troubles? Is your wiener not working the way you like it to be working?

Dude, both of our wieners have not worked the way that we've always wanted them to work and we can help you out. Can I just say I'm a teen and you guys started talking about my wiener quick. Well, I don't see age. That's a huge problem no dude what's like dude what's up i'm cool i'm chip a hoy i'm like a well-known fan what's up you know i mean well okay it's like everyone's talking to me here or wants to talk to me, except for the person that I want to be talking to. Who is that?

Who is that? Just tell us who that is. What's her name? She's in Jimmy J. Couterton's group. Oh, yeah. You probably already noticed her. Which one? She's the one with short black hair.

Are you not part of that crew,ie minchie warbucks not like officially or or unofficially really they don't i don't really get to hang out with them this party was supposed to be my chance to show them how cool I am. Are we blowing it for you? You can be honest. I mean, you're not helping. That's for sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just feel like...

So, her name's Topanga. Oh. And I just feel like if I had a chance... I don't know know i probably wouldn't even know what to say if i did talk to her but you know beef is such so good at role play absolutely okay before we see this let's check in uh back in the audience let's see where chalice is at with the cool group and so i tried to tell him that i loved him okay and then the wrong mic said you must be talking to me and then he started a whole fire 750 people died that night and it's

my fault talking i'm trying to listen to the music totally so then i wake up the next day and i hear and all these people died. And then also like, it's not like it's his fault that he had happened. Like, this is just like, it's my fault. And then I have to, it's like, welcome to adulthood, Chalice. The responsibility of people's lives in the kingdom

is on your back, like a heavy weight on your back all the time. Chalice, Chalice, can you run and grab us more drinks? Totally. Thank you so much. You're the best. You're so pretty. You think so? You think so? Really? weight on your back all the time chalice chalice can you run and grab us more drinks totally thank you so much you're the best you're so pretty you think so you think so really and she grabs the girl's arm a little too hard do you really think i'm pretty ow ow do you just get us drinks okay all right i love you bye um chalice uh throws up and then just sort of like rallies and then goes to get the drinks

i think she just threw up gross all right let's we'll go back to to the bar okay so i'm a pretty lady sitting here all right so come on up come on i'll get into character richie takes another shot walks up uh hey hey Topanga are you having fun at my party? I'm having a blast are you having a good time? I mean it's kind of lame but like it's like it's fun in a sarcastic way

it's you know you wanna come out outside? say no nah I'm good here i'm chilling nice oh okay well we're all going outside so i've got oh wait everybody's going outside go if everybody's going then go i would prefer if this didn't go to a second location i mean we're just role playing i feel like it's weird if there's a role playing that leads no let's move this outside let's go let's all go outside. As this is happening, Chalice has found a tambourine

and she's on stage singing, we should all be each other. She's just singing, not the right key. She just wants the attention, so she's on the stage. Seb, can you roll perception for me? Yeah, absolutely oh plus three uh that would be a

16 yes 16 okay cool so you now notice that all like you know out of the 50 teens that are here most of them are very drunk and that you know you know, is a huge issue for Bottoms Up. And if, you know, you were to get caught doing this, there would be huge sanctions and the bar would probably be closed down. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right. Nobody's leaving.

Nobody's leaving. Nobody's leaving. Come on. All right. All right. And I put a bar across the door and I lock it. And then I take my shoe off and I break the key inside of it. I'm like, nobody can leave.

Nobody can leave. Beef, turn up the heat. We got to have them sweat it out. We got to have them sweat it out before they can leave. All right? I'm sorry. I'm not beef right now. Seb, this is kidnapping.

Seb, I think this is kidnapping. We're going to lose our license. We'll lose our liquor license. Seb, this is kidnapping. Teen napping. Teen napping. Okay. They're actually all still awake.

What are you talking about? Jimmy J. Cooterton jumps up on stage and he cups his hands and he's like, looks like they just locked us in here, so party all night. Party all night. And they all start chanting party so... That's right. Party all night! Party all night! And they all start chanting party all night. All right, so we got some Pedialyte here, and then we got... And everybody just jog in place until you don't feel hammered anymore, all right?

Let's just work it through our little systems, all right? In fact, who wants to wrestle? Let's all wrestle, uh-huh. Chalice immediately attacks Seb. He doesn't even finish the word wrestle, and she's tackled him to the ground. No, no, no, no, that's my face. Oh, gosh.

Richie, this is perfect. This is perfect. This is exactly what you wanted. You're locked in a room with her now. Isn't this great? Yeah. Isn't this perfect? You're locked in a room with two Topang Isn't this great? Yeah. Isn't this perfect? You're locked in a room

with two Topangas. How does that feel? Oh, okay. I don't know if I should have been getting advice from you guys, but I feel like this is my moment. This is as confident as I'm gonna feel.

Okay. I'm gonna go talk to her. So he walks up to the cool group and he taps Topanga on the shoulder. Hey, hey, Topanga. Now I get to do the cool thing where I have a conversation with myself. Do it, rock it.

Don't worry, we're here. Hey, Topanga. Oh, hey, Richie. Cool party cool party yeah um yeah i'm glad i'm glad you're having fun um this is going so well yeah it's going good um guys what do i what do i ask ask her to if she's pretty or to dance hey um i was actually wondering you dance pretty dance prettier oh nice nice no i think i'll pay i'll pay you no no topanga's like you're being weird you're being really weird and she turns and keeps watching the concert beef beef pipes up hey dipanga it's really nice to meet another dipanga your name's dipanga too yeah it is and he winks at uh richie like he's

gonna save the day what are you doing i got this i got this i step in i step in i'm like hey what's up dipanga i'm chip a hoy She doesn't know who that is. But tonight, I'm playing wingman, if you know what I'm saying. How about my boy Richie Richie? A pretty cool birthday, isn't it? Okay, I don't know what this is. Can you get to the point? Well, our point is Topanga is another Topanga. I could say that, you know, Richie's a really great guy.

And I actually have plenty of sisters that have dated him. I have six sisters and they've all dated him. And they said they had a spectacular time. So maybe you, Topanga. Wait, dating? Well, oh my God, Richie, I love you. Like a little brother or something. Or like a pet, maybe.

Like a very rich, you're very rich, and that's cool. But yeah, I don't think it's gonna be like that. And Richie just kind of nods. You can see kind of tears well up in his eyes, and he just takes off through the uh audience towards like the front door of bottoms up don't bother it's it's it is fully locked and barricaded you cannot go out that way and thank you for your time to panga uh very nice to meet you i've run after him i have a flashback to a very similar moment so i'm frozen on the dance floor remembering this

this is my high school prom and i at this time chip is like the coolest fucking guy in school but uh i go up to this this nerdy her name's amanda and she's this like cute little nerd um that i fell in love with in my advanced math class that I have to pretend to go to because otherwise everyone would think I'm lame so I have to like sneak in there and nobody knows I should go to this class um and she's in there and she always answers all the questions at the chalkboard hi Amanda fire there's a! There's a fire! There's a fire in the school! Oh, my God!

Right in that moment, Seb just pushes her to the ground. He's like, we gotta get out. There's no chance. She's gone. She's gone. Forget about her, Chip. Come with me. Sean, can Chalice have a conversation with Topanga?

Yeah, of course. Hey, girl. Here's your drink. Thanks, Chalice. You know what? You remind me a lot of me when I was your age. Yeah? Yeah.

What were people like back then? Ow. Ow. What were people like back then? Ow. Ow. Well, Topanga, if that is really even your name. It is mine.

I don't know if it's this other person that I'm with. Yeah. Well, Topanga, a little word of advice. Don't just go after the cool person. Because I dated cool guys and guys who were popular and captain of the prom team or whatever. And those guys ended up being really lame. You should go for the Mike Peas of the world, good guys who make mistakes and are real.

Those are the people you want to be with. What's in my hair? And she pulls out a beef sandwich, lunch sandwich from yesterday that was hidden in her hair. And she just starts crying and eating the sandwich. And she's going, Topanga, you still have time. Topanga, you still have time. I am saying date the good guy, not the cool guy. Topanga, you're my best friend, you are.

Oh, gosh. Topanga just slowly turns around to face the stage again and continues rocking out. And all the while, Ariana Venti is still absolutely crushing it. Good. She should be good. Beef, you ran after Richie, right? I did. I did.

Now, Richie, once you get to Richie, he's already taken that plank off the door and swung open the door to reveal three patrolmen who are looking to get their after shift drinks. Who look at you, Beef, because they recognize you. They come here for after shift drinks and you recognize them. And they're like, so what's going on here um tonight i'm not beef or the money man i'm topanga and i don't know what's going on all right roll deception oh no it was a two okay just with their passive perception they can see that it looks like there's underage drinking All right, roll deception. Oh, no. It was a two. Okay. Just with their passive perception, they can see that it looks like

there's underage drinking happening. And so three of them step in and immediately they announce, all right, parties, cut the music. Party's over. Party is over. Shut it down. Yeah, shut it down. That's what I was just about to say. Party over. Party is over. Shut it down. Shut it down.

That's what I was just about to say. Party over. Right, Seb? They start knocking drinks out of kids' hands. And they come up to Jimmy J. Cooterton and the cool group and Topanga. And they go to take their drinks out of their hands. And Richie steps up. And then he looks at you guys and goes,

guys, do something. I wiped the snot from my nose and I'm like, this party can't be over. We got to save the day for Richie. And I run over and I tackle one of the patrolmen. Oh no. No. There's another one there and he turns. He's like, what the hell is going on? And he goes, nobody else make a move. Jimmy J. Coolerton jumps on one of their backs and slits their throat. What? One of the patrolmen falls down on the ground. Not cool, dude.

And you can tell he's dead. And then Topanga and three of the other cool kids jump on the other patrolman and are just stabbing him like hundreds of times and like cackling and their voices sound real weird. I get off the patrolman

that I tackle. I'm like, I wasn't going to do that. I wasn't. That's not what I meant. Oh my God. No. This is not what I meant. Oh, my God. No. This is dark.

That's not what I meant. They swarm on the one that you're getting off, and they stab him 100 times. Can I turn back time? Like, do you want to go visit a different memory? No, I just want to, like, turn back time. I want to time travel to before this happened so I can stop it.

I don't think you have that ability right now. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God. This is just like my birthday. Why do people always die? The sun is just beating down. I'm on the scarecrow thing and I'm just talking with this crow.

And I'm like, you're my only friend and if you love me you would eat these ropes so I could go to that water that I can see fire fire in the field there's a fire in the field it's spreading like wildfire roo-ba-loo-ba-loo-ba-loo-ba

okay so now the uh five you know cool kids Jimmy J's posse, including Topanga, are licking the blood off their daggers and cackling. And the laughs that are on them sound pretty bizarre. These teens are acting kind of strange. Thanks for picking up on that, Topanga. Keen eye, Topanga. Topanga.

Huh, what makes you say that, Topanga. Keen eye, Topanga. Huh, what makes you say that, Topanga? Well, thanks for asking. Thank you. I think that these teens are under a disguise of some sort. Yeah, Sean, I'm trying to look it up. What's the thing that you reveal? There's a spell. Well, you guys can... I would recommend... I think Ben might be doing this, but'm trying to look it up. What's the thing that you reveal? There's a spell. Well, you guys can...

I would recommend... I think Ben might be doing this, but just roll to investigate. Yeah, I just rolled... I did it. I rolled a 20, a natural 20. Oh, nice. Holy shit.

Okay. Perfect. So, Ben, when you... Upon closer look, and maybe even put a hand on one of them, because you rolled a nat 20, you even know the illusion that they used. It's a fifth level illusion called seeming.

Ben, you are certain that these are actually goblins that you're dealing with. Hey, man, that's not cool what you just did there. Whoa, God, they're goblins. Not cool jeans, they're goblins. Goblins? Goblins? Japan, I thought you were my friend.

I opened up to you. Richie goes, goblins, what are you talking? These are my friends. And then he sees the dead bodies and is like, oh, my God, what is happening? A lot. I didn't mean to start this. I'm so sorry. Jimmy J steps forward and is like Richie why are you crying

this party just finally got good Richie's like what is happening I only threw this party because I wanted you guys to be my friend and they all start laughing in unison and don't think we didn't know you had a crush on Topanga too

I heard you trying to ask her out well some people are beautiful Crush on Topanga, too. I heard you trying to ask her out. Yeah. Well, some people are beautiful. Not you, Beef. Not you, Beef. Okay, yes? Chalice doesn't like their vibe. It's giving her too many flashbacks. Why not?

Oh, I'm glad that you asked. Doesn't like their vibe. Doesn't like this. Not one bit. The murdering goblins? You don't like their vibes? I don't like their energy. I don't like the energy they're bringing into my space right now.

Chip. Okay. Chalice is going to send a fireball at the goblins. And not just a fireball, a fireball covered in her drunk throw up. Amazing. 19. That sounds disgusting. Cool, that hits.

Yeah, that's going to smell bad. Want to roll for damage? Yeah. Nine sounds disgusting. Cool, that hits. Yeah, that's going to smell bad. Want to roll for damage? Yeah, nine. Okay. One of the cool crew just eviscerates. They just turn to ash. You just hit them with the fireball it involved, and where there was, there now isn't a goblin.

Oh. And they look at you guys, and now it's on. So we're going to start with seb what do you want to do the dance floor has kind of cleared as it does in like a wedding when there's fun dances happening so this is like a dance battle a dance circle it's like a dance battle uh and it's the four goblins versus the four of you kind of lined up in this dance circle and is richie rich involved at all or no? Richie Rich is terrified, sitting on the side,

just sitting there. But he's watching, right? But he is watching. And also, Ariana Venti, always a professional, takes her cue, sees that it's badass, and starts playing some real cool action rock. She's such a professional. She's such a professional. She's such a professional.

I don't think Jennifer would have been able to keep up. Yeah, thank God. Jennifer's been smoking cigarettes out back with the band for the last two hours. That sucks. One cigarette they've been sharing. She's probably said, I bet you're amazing at drums a couple times. All right, so Seb, you want to start us off?

Yeah, so because it's like a dance circle, I walk up and I start doing the Dougie. And then I'm going to use my poison spray cantrip. And so I will roll to see if it hits. 19. That hits. Nice. spray cantrip and so i will roll to see if it hits 19 that hits nice and that will do 12 damage uh so that is going to full-on melt this goblin before you oh shit you just taught him how to dougie boom and he teach me how to uh-uh got Got him. Great. So now just to paint a picture, there's only three goblins left, one being Jimmy J and one being Topanga.

So only three left and Chip, you are up. Okay. I think that even given this current situation, I think our boy Richie Mitchie has a chance with Topanga. So I'm not going to go after her, and I'm going to go after the third unnamed goblin. She's going to kill him. Okay.

And I do a running man. And as I'm running manning backwards, I take out my battle axe, and I do like a backward swing to chop this little goblin. I can't believe we're killing all these teens. They're freaking goblins.

They're goblins. Well, they're teen goblins. I roll a 16. That hits. Yes. I freaking smash their ass. Okay. It's another 12.

All right. So what happens? okay it's another 12 all right so what happens uh well i'd like to do a running man back slice and uh i want them to be standing there for like two seconds before their entire body just splits oh nice a classic i love that classic classic move it. They're dropping like flies. Only two left. Next up is Beef. What do you want to do? All right, here I come.

I'm going to do a sprinkler over to Topanga. Are you trying to knock out Topanga? Yeah. Or like grapple her? Or more like knock her unconscious? Yeah, knock her unconscious. Cool, cool. You could use your dagger to do that if you wanted.

It would add more damage. Okay. You can just play it so you're not trying to kill. You're trying to knock her unconscious. I just rolled 14 plus four damage. Okay, that's an 18. That'll hit. So four damage.

Four damage. So you smash the blunt end of your dagger, the handle, into Tabitha's face. Topanga. Topanga. What did I say? You said Tabitha. Oh, Beef, you stabbed the wrong person. Oh, no.

That was just some real teen. Oh, that was a real teen. I didn't hit her to kill, lest I remind you. Beef, she's not an attractive girl, but she's not a goblin. Yeah, this is going to really mess her up. I am so sorry. Party foul on Beef. Party foul on Beef.

I'll Beef. You broke my nose. Sorry foul on beef. I'll be. You broke my nose. Sorry, Tabby. You shouldn't have been too close to the fight. A group of other teens takes Tabitha away. Her nose is just gushing blood. But you also

on the way back hit Topanga in the head and do the four damage. She is bloodied, but she's not dead or unconscious. Sean, can we do a roll to see the damage that Tabitha got to her confidence?

Yes. Do I roll it? Yeah, I think you should. Yeah. It's a two. Is that good or bad? Well, it only hurt her confidence two. Okay.

But I have the stats on Tabitha, and her confidence was only added two. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Sorry, Tabby. She's out of zero. Okay, so then up next is actually going to be Topanga. And Topanga is going to, since you just hit her across the face, going to try to kill Beef and is going to stab you with a dagger.

What a way for Beef to go. This early in the series, huh? Wearing a money suit. Okay, so it is a 12. Is a 12 higher than your AC? 13. Oh, you're good. Yeah.

Topanga is like a little bit slightly concussed from that first hit. Hell yeah, she is. Stabs with a dagger and misses. That's right. I'm a regular savant. Get out of my way, honey. If you just hit the wrong person, 10 seconds ago, just hit the wrong person 10 seconds ago you hit the wrong person the most recent thing that happened was you messing up

what what's that i can't hear you through my money suit so uh jimmy jay's next and he sees that Tabitha's... Jesus. He sees Tabitha's not doing well, but that's not a big concern to him because he doesn't care about her. So he sees Topanga has been slightly concussed and just missed a dagger swipe on Beef,

so Jimmy J's running over to help out, and he's going to come attack Beef as well. Rolls a 16. And I know that that hits. And let's see here. Rude, kind of rude that he knew that. It'll be seven damage. That's a lot.

He rams a blade into your side and that hurts pretty bad. And now we're back up at the top with Chalice. So I'm going to use my magic missile spell. I'm going to throw these darts and I want them to hit, what's his name? Jimmy. Jimmy J.

Jimmy J and not Tabitha. I'm not going to kick her while she's down. Topanga. Cool. So the first one is going be two all together okay the next one is gonna be four okay and the next one this third one's going to topanga is a oh four nice okay so the three magic missiles these glowing darts shoot out of Chalice and they enter themselves into Jimmy J and he

screams out, ah, this sucks. And then one hits Topanga right in the throat and as he was trying to get to Topanga, she dies before Jimmy J's very eyes. Oh my god. I run and I cover Richie Mitchie's eyes.

I cover his eyes. Oh my God. I run and I cover Richie Mitchie's eyes. I cover his eyes. Oh, don't look at this. Chalice is sort of like an open mouth smile, like shrug, like, Oh God, we got a bunch of teens dying in here.

Oh God. Uh, Seb, you are up and the only goblin left is Jimmy J. And once again, to remind you, he looks like a straight-up crazy evil goblin who isn't in no way a teen. So don't feel too bad. Yeah, blast his ass. I'm going to pitch this.

What if we get Richie Mitchie to finish the job? Oh, that's interesting. It is his birthday. Oh, yeah. I think that would be really nice. I'm down for that. So can I, how would I do this? I want to toss a spear to Richie Mitchie

and encourage him like Elrond in Lord of the Rings to murder Jimmy J. I'll give Richie Mitchie your spot in the initiative to do an attack. So you're handing him a spear and saying, go attack. Finish him. Do it.

Free yourself. Nothing more beautiful than making someone a murderer on their birthday. That's just so beautiful we're making him a hero he's gonna be a hero so uh you do you like push him into the middle of the dance circle i do i'm right by him i was covering his eyes for topanga so i i shove him out into the middle of the dance floor okay yeah richie mitchie looks like he does not want to be there. Oh, no. He's terrified. Oh, no.

You got this. He has a spear in his hand. You got this. Come on, man. And as he looks up, so does Jimmy J., who has the insane look of a goblin who just lost the only thing that he cared about. And Richie Mitchie goes to stab Jimmy J. He closes his eyes.

He closes his eyes. He brings the spear back. And with his eyes closed, squeezed tight, he pushes it forward and misses by about a foot and a half. Does it hit Tabitha? On the recoil of the spear, when he brings it back, realizing he missed, the butt of his spear hits Tabitha? On the recoil of the spear, when he brings it back, realizing he missed, the butt of his spear hits Tabitha.

Right in the nose. Okay, we just got her nosebleed under control. And she goes, it's actually my birthday too. Oh, shut up, Tabitha. While his eyes are still closed, I'm going to quickly, with my turd,

while his eyes are still closed, I'm going to battle, with my turd, while his eyes are still closed, I'm going to battleaxe Jimmy just as quickly as I possibly can. Cool, cool. A 16? Does not hit. It does not hit? No, he's a little beefier than the other goblins in his crew. Oh, man, that's embarrassing.

I tried to do it too quickly honestly Richie Mitchie swinging and whiffing kind of threw you off your game I thought it was going to be a big moment Chalice scooches over to the goblin and does the same thing she did earlier

of like I'm not with that guy about shit Beef you're up and does the same thing she did earlier of like, I'm not with that guy. About shit. Beef, you're up. Okay. I think I'm going to try to really kill this guy. Oh my God. All right.

I think I got it. Now that, you know, strike one, strike two. Let's hit a home run. Okay, 12. That's another swing and a miss. Oh my God, this is embarrassing. So Jimmy J is like doing the Soulja Boy and evading all of these swings and stabbings.

He's just doing really cool dances. Guy is a motherfucking dance king. Can't get him. And now he's in the middle of his dancing where he's doing all these dance dodges. The person who's standing right in front of him is the birthday boy himself. And so he's going to take a big swing at Richie Mitchie.

Oh no. Oh boy. Oh no. We did this to him. If he dies, we're going to get a really bad review. Well, he'll be dead. He won't review us, so.

I don't know if that's the sunny kind of optimism we should have. Just trying to keep the glass half full. Yeah. Just trying to keep it half full. Okay, so his stab hits, but it doesn't get a good hold because Richie Mitchie's wearing that poofy, noble tunic.

It kind of gets caught in his big ruffles and things. So it doesn't get that much of a hold and it only does three damage. But that's a lot for Richie Mitchie. He's actually looking pretty worse for wear. Oh, no. And he screams, this is the worst birthday of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe, maybe. Happy birthday to you. No, not the cake. Not now. Not now. No, no. Take it back. Take it back.

Take it back. Take it back. Huh? Huh? Jennifer and the rats have the cake. And now they're just kind of screaming. They said not now not now shut up we're going back

so Chalice I believe it's top of the order okay so I would like to do a firebolt but I'm not going to send it to him I'm going to send it to the corner of the bar and then yell fire to try to get everyone

out of the bar and then yell fire to try to get everyone out of the bar and keep them safe. You're going to intentionally set fire to the bar. Yeah, just so it matches the rest of our 16 birthday parties. Uh-huh. That just works.

A corner of Bottoms Up explodes in flames. The people standing closest to it don't feel like that was done for their safety, but they run screaming out of the bar and someone starts yelling fire. Who is it? I'm just so used to listening to Elizabeth's voice.

It's gotta be you. Me too. Fire! It's a fire! I like to think that canonically it's the same person everybody's story who just happens to be in every scenario so people start heading out in in droves you know they were first they were caught like you know train wreck mentality they just couldn't tear themselves away. But now everyone's heading out of bottoms up, except for you guys, I assume.

Are you guys still in this fight? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, cool. So Seb, are you taking your turn back from Richie Mitchie? I am. And I'm going to use create water on the fire that was just lit. So like everyone is left, but I have to protect the bar or else there's no podcast.

Okay, cool. So yeah, the fire is contained after that. So bottoms up right now is not in danger of completely going up in flames. Nice. I saved the podcast. Chip, that's you. It's you now.

All right, I'm gonna do a take two because I really feel like Richie Mitchie needs to seal the freaking deal here. I love how no one will see you now. All right. I'm going to do a take two because I really feel like Richie Mitchie needs to seal the freaking deal here. I love how no one will see it now. Can we still say that Richie Mitchie's eyes are still closed? Because I really want us to try to convince him that he kills everyone. Yeah. He's scream crying with closed eyes right now.

He kills everyone. Yeah, he's scream crying with closed eyes right now. I'm going to put the battle axe in his hands and I will also hold it too. And we're going to do it together. I'm going to do it with him. Okay. Yes, because his eyes are closed, he has no idea if you're a friend or foe. And he is so terrified that someone is contorting his body.

Okay. I get behind him. I put his hands on the axe, and I, as I sing, Happy birthday to you. Does a 21 hit? That one? Yeah.

Oh! Happy birthday dear Richie Richie Warbucks. Seven damage. Seven damage. Happy birthday to you. Slice.

That hits him right in the gut, and he's got his hands raised up with his sword, and he's ready to come down on Richie Mitchie, but he takes that in the gut and that does seven damage. He's still alive. He's still kicking, but that definitely took a chunk out of him. Beef, you're up.

Oh, fuck. Oh, man. Okay, well, let's finish this fucker off. Let's stab him in the fucking head or something. Yeah. Yeah. Let's roll. So roll for it.

That sounds great. I'm going to roll for that. Okay. That's an eight plus the four. That does not hit. Fuck. So immediately, Jimmy J, he just took that axe in the gut, beef whiffs. And even though that hurt a lot, his hands are already raised up.

He comes crashing down onto Richie Mitchie. Whoops. That's okay. At least you tried to hit the right person this time. And it hits. And it does seven damage. Toie mitchie to richie so richie mitchie takes the sword right like at his like collarbone and it cuts him pretty deep and from what you can tell yeah he, he's out. Oh.

And I whisper to him, I say, guess you should have hit him harder. He would have died. Bad job, Rich. Okay, so Chalice, you're up again. How do I kill this guy? He doesn't have much left, so if you want to hit him, I don't know how many spell slots you have at level one,

but you can only do so many spells. Yeah, I think I'm just going to use a weapon. Don't try to stab him in the head. It's impossible. Don't do it. I'm going to try to stab him in the head. I told you! Hell yeah.

Alright, roll them bones. 20. That hits. Hurrah! All right. Roll them bones. 20. Oh. That hits. Hurrah. Hurrah. Okay. So what do you say before you stab Jimmy J. Coolerton?

She goes to yell something cool like party foul, but she's pretty drunk, so she just throws up a little bit down her front. Well, despite not being able to pull off the cool line chalice does effectively decapitate jimmy j cooler nice so this goblin with a backwards hat his head goes flying and thuds against now the uh evacuated dance. And for a second, all is calm. Okay, I'd like to try and heal Richie Mitchie. Yeah, with my, I guess we're out of combat. Do you have a healing spell?

Yeah, I have Cure Wind. Cool, let's do it. You guys don't want to have a drink first? Man, that was a lot. I got a nearly dead teen in my arms i would love if you were you want me to get you a bud light while while we're doing this dibs on that band name dibs on the band name nearly dead teen hand over over the dead teen and the dead teen is in in chip's hands and Beef is just pouring

beers into our mouths as I perform my spell. And I roll a D8 and 6. Does that stabilize? That's his new HP. That's the HP that adds. Okay, okay.

Richie, you did it, man! You did it! You killed that guy. You killed all of these people. You should get out of town. You should get out of town. Wake up. What happened? You killed all of them.

Hey, everybody, come in here. Richie is an awesome murderer. He killed all the people. He's a hero. He's a murdering hero. My head is killing me. Oh, my God. He looks around. He sees the goblins

And then he just like kind of freaks out And kind of like scrambles towards you Chip And he's like oh my god Jimmy J. Gooderton and Topanga They were goblins that was insane I know it was pretty nuts It was and you handled it like a champ Like a real birthday boy

I don't know I feel like I Didn't do anything and also got killed. You're remembering it wrong. That's probably because you're pretty wasted. Yeah, you're pretty wasted. You went berserk. You're pretty wasted and that's cool. We tried to pull you off and you killed everyone here,

including the policemen. So you should leave town and never come back. Yeah, after tonight, maybe lay low. I'm going to send a message to Mr. Al, after tonight, maybe lay low. I'm going to send a message to Mr. Albatross to come pick me up. I think this party's over. No, one more thing. Can Chalice go to the

roof and with her I think she can set off fireworks over the party. That would be so fun. Cool. Yeah, I'm going to, Chalice goes up like runs to the roof um and starts setting off fireworks and then tells um jennifer to finally bring out the cake setting off fireworks inside or on the roof and roll on the roof because everybody's like in the

streets though yeah everyone's in the street and uh beef comes over with tabitha in his hand and he's like uh hey Hey Richie actually there was another birthday girl here too. You guys have the same birthday. Isn't that funny? Isn't that hilarious? Oh. I didn't even realize.

Sorry. Sorry Tabitha. I didn't know it was your birthday too. It's okay. It just it hurts to talk. Yeah, maybe don't talk. Put the ice back on. But I thought maybe the two of you could hang out. Goodbye.

And then he floats away on a balloon. A frog balloon. A little toad balloon, yeah. Yeah, a little toad balloon. Thanks, money man. Hey, no problem. And he winks as he's flying away in the sky? I don't know what they're doing up here, Tabitha,

but I think it's something to do with my birthday, or I should say our birthday. Can I say that Seb trips and falls down to the pavement and then is just going, oh, my ass! And that's just where I am throughout all of this, just yelling about how my ass hurts. Helpful. I love it.

Oh, shit, my ass! Okay, you guys brought us up here to the roof. I just want to go home. This has been such an insane night. The girl that I had a crush on tried to murder me. Can I just go? Hey, can I tell you a quick little story before you head out? Sure.

Sure. I was rich once like you, okay? I lived in a whole palace. Every birthday party was bigger than the last. And I got to tell you, I never had fun at them. They were always a disaster. One time there was a fire that started that killed a lot of people in the town and it was really bad but I didn't really have a good birthday until I came here and made some good friends you don't need to be

popular you don't need to be impressing the rich kid she's like throwing up a little bit down her shirt so she's still pretty drunk you don't need to be impressing all the popular cool no come here come here yeah yeah you are can you hear me yeah you don't know i know what you're trying to say okay you're trying to say like you know money can't buy you friends watch this hey money man yeah chip yeah what Huh? What's up? I'll give you 300 gold apiece to be my friend. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure.

Yes. Yes. See, no. No lesson learned. Money buys you friends. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Fuck you.

I would have been your friend for free, though, because you're one cool kid. your friend for free though because you're one cool kid i raised my cupid hands once again waiting for an excellent tip that he maybe promised earlier okay given what a disaster this night was roll for persuasion with disadvantage we freaking made him a hero he's not grateful piece of shit kids and while you're rolling that, Seb is just yelling from the pavement, being like, oh, I think I ripped my crack. Oh, God. Oh, I really hurt you guys. Money might not buy friends,

but I need a friend right now. No one can hear him, so Chalice starts huffing and puffing, climbing back down to go help him. With disadvantage, I rolled a 16. him so chalice starts like huffing and puffing climbing back down to go help him with disadvantage i rolled a 16 honestly tonight was an absolute nightmare i'm never coming back here but fair i was okay i was very close to dying and i didn't and i have a feeling that's because of y'all so here's 300 gold. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Ew, what? Uh-oh. Thanks, man. Now, is something supposed to happen on the roof, or can I go home now? There's fireworks. There's been fireworks. Can you enjoy the freaking fireworks,

you greedy little shit? Get the fuck out of my roof. Actually, I take him and I toss him off the roof. And he lands right square on my ass. Just right on my ass. Oh, you ripped it. And then I go, hey, guess what? What?

I found my sandwich. You did? Where was it? It was right over here under this towel. Wow. Well, happy birthday to you, I guess. Happy birthday to me, I guess. Jennifer and the rats come out with the cake and they go, now?

Now? Happy birthday? And then you remember that Tabitha is still up there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the perfect time. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Tabitha. A little woman we just met. Happy birthday to you. I'm so sorry I hit you in the head. What do his shoes look like? His shoes look like shoes that I used to wear to improv level one and two. They kind of curl at the end of the toe. But his looked like intentional and fancy.

Yeah, just for the listeners, Sean used to wear elf shoes that he thought were fancy dress shoes. But it turns out, unbeknownst to him, they were just elf shoes. And he would wear undershirts. He would take off his work shirts and wear undershirts. Ready to put the work in, bro. And Aaron fell in love. Yeah, you like that guy, Aaron. Took me a couple years to fall in love.

Yeah. Honestly, more embarrassing for Aaron. Sean, shoes are weird and you guys are making fun of me? I don't think this is fair. Hey, everyone. This week on the Patreon, we have part two of Chips Tips. There's a new episode every Thursday

that you can find at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Have a great week. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed Mansour and I came up with the story concept,

and Sean Maher did the editing. For our LA friends, we have a Wet Bus live show coming up in just a few days on Thursday, May 12th at 7pm at the Skip Town Playhouse. Waleed, Aaron, and myself will be doing improv as Wet Bus, and Elizabeth will be doing solo characters, and besides that we've got a super hot lineup, so come check it out. And that's not all, Elizabeth hosts a monthly show called The Illuminati Hour, and this month's show is on Saturday, May 21st at the Yard Theatre at 9.30pm, and our very own Aaron Keefe will be performing improv with them as a guest. So come see some

live comedy this month. Also, we're in the final couple weeks of the Kickstarter for my comic book Skyless, so if you haven't yet, go check that out. The story follows two best friends, Neil and Alina, on their quest to restore the sky to dystopian Earth. Think Game of Thrones meets The Hunger Games, a romantic coming-of-age epic that doesn't shy away from the harsh reality of death. With your support, this will be the thrilling second installment of the next great fantasy sci-fi epic. You can check out the artwork and get the next issue for $10 at the link in the show notes.

In fact, all the tickets for the stuff that I've talked about you can find in the show notes. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next week, and thanks, as always always for listening that was a hate gum podcast