SitcomD&D - S1 E15: Pastor MkCenzie (w/ John Patrick Coan)

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

This week, the crew succumbs to the charisma and charm of a mysterious and charming self-help guru, Pastor Zack MkCenzie (JPC). Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Link to Sean's Comic Book Kickstarter, Skyless #2 Link to JPC's Amazing Podcast, Hey Riddle Riddle Link to JPC's Other Amazing Podcast, Billbuds Link to JPC's Amazing Twitch Channel Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Unfortunately, actually, we do consider Ben a guest right now. Yeah, I'm just, I'm not a featured player yet. Okay, so this is a recent demotion, or this has been since the beginning? Since the beginning. He's been a recurring guest. His spot's kind of up for grabs. JPC, wink, wink, wink. This is literally my nightmare right now.

Yeah, so JPC, you're also going to play Seb in this episode. We'll see whose lines pop more. It's a regular day at Bottoms Up as the regular crowd shuffles in. Right off the bat, I'm going to have all of you roll a perception check, actually. Boom.

Seven. Six. Hey. Five. Uh-oh. This isn't good. One. Oh, my God.

We are not alert. Is there a gas leak or something? Okay. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! JPC, do you like that?

Uh, no. Okay. Nope. When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip And a beef at the Noble Bottoms Up

As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely Fabulous on another Happy day We're in different worlds with different Strokes but the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Someone kind of comes up to you and gives you like a little wave. And it doesn't register to you at all. You feel like you don't even recognize this guy. And then he gets a little bit closer and he goes,

You guys, it's me. It's Bart. And you all recognize Bart, who's a regular, but it was hard to tell who it was because there's something very different about Bart. He looks happy. This is weird because you've literally never seen him happy before. He gets closer. What's up, you guys hey hey man come here bring it in give me a hug um okay he gets closer and gives you a firm hug and you notice that he looks amazing he seems to have gotten in really good shape and his skin is radiant and youthful my My God, Bart, your skin is glowing. What's your regimen? Beef, get in line.

Hi, Bart. Who's been here a bunch before, but is all of a sudden very hot? I'll give you one hint. It is you. Oh, come on now. I know I was in pretty rough shape before. I lost the kids in the divorce, as you guys know. Yeah. Oh, I did not know. Yeah. No, I got custody, but then I just, I straight up lost them. Oh. Oh. Okay. So, and

that's why you're so happy? No, I took that really hard and got really, really deep into the booze and gambling and hanging out here a lot. So the booze and gambling, got so the booze and gambling that's what made you happy no no yeah oh my gosh how do i phrase this i uh i found myself my purpose i mean to put it simply i found pastor zach mckenzie yeah what is a Pastor Zach McKenzie? Well, let's just say meeting him has completely turned my life around. I mean, oh my God, he's actually here right now. That's Zach. And then you guys look over and see Pastor Zach McKenzie,

and if JPC, you want to describe what Pastor Zach McKenzie looks like, take it away. Sure. So you see a character. He's probably like 5'10", human, kind of a shoulder length, blonde hair. That's like kind of disheveled and tussled, but it kind of looks like in a very purposeful way. As you see the pastor, you also see someone else spill a drink, and he kind of steps in to intercede.

And you see he's wearing a cloth shirt, and he just holds his collar and then rips the center of the cloth shirt down so he has a cloth, and he uses his cloth shirt to clean up the spill, exposing his six-pack abs. He's very chiseled underneath. And you also

see that he has a guitar strapped to his back as well. He notices Bart and he goes, hey, Bart, good to see you. Pastor Zach. And then he turns back to the group, Bart does, and he goes, you gotta let me introduce you guys.

I know I fucked up so many times in Bottoms Up, but please let me introduce you to Zach McKenzie and let it be the one good thing I do for you. He'll change your life, you guys. Chalice is seeing the pastor in slow motion. And it seems like there's a wind machine on him. And then some sort of falsetto sexy music is playing. And the sound of heaven opening up.

So Zach makes his way over to the group and him and Bart embrace in a very specific, what seems like kind of a secret handshake, but it's more spiritual than that and a lot more maybe sexual is the vibe you guys are getting. And then Pastor Zach addresses the group. Whoa, Bart, thank you so much for inviting me over here to meet with your friends. How's everybody

going today? I'm going just fine. Yes. Yes. How's everyone going? Thank you. Pastor Zach doesn't say doing. He says going because we're all spirits in motion. And we're all going to the same place if you catch my drift.

But we're not supposed to be doing anything? Well, that's a great question, friend. What is it that you want to do? Pastor Zach puts his hand kind of on your shoulder and makes very direct eye contact with you. Chip, answer him, Chip. Like today? Like today or in my entire existence? It's okay not to know.

You'll find your path. Hey, hey. Oh. You'll find your path. Oh. Okay. Pastor Zach gives Chip a big hug. I return the hug.

Wow. And I feel his back abs, which I assume are there. Through the guitar. You can feel them through the guitar neck. Pastor Zach. Pastor Zach, you know, I was thinking we were looking for a place for the community outreach event tomorrow. This might not be such a bad spot. Okay, Bart, we'll take it from here. I'm trying to help you. Why?

We've got it. Bart, relax. We've got it. Thanks. Why don't you go find your kids yeah go find your kids no you don't know where your kids are they're probably hungry bart uh yeah you could have whatever here um this is a great this energy this space has a oh my god this space has a great energy wow i mean what, Bart? That is such a great idea. I mean, I'm new in town. I'm trying to set up my ministry and I would love, I mean, we're hosting a community event tomorrow and I've been trying to find myself a venue. Here's my pitch. I'm Pastor Zach McKenzie. I'm new in town. My name is spelled exactly how it sounds, except the K's are C's and the C's are K's.

I was wondering about that with the inflection. Oh, yeah. Thank you. I try to make it noticeable in the inflection. But let me ask you guys, are you guys going with the Lord? Yeah. Amen. Oh, perfect.

Chalice, you have never. Okay, wait a second. Chalice, you have never. Okay, wait a second. Chalice, you literally today said God is not real. Oh, is that me or is that the other Princess Chalice? No, that was you. You keep on talking about me. You were storming up. Yeah, you were storming up and around the bar and you were screaming how God's not real

because you had stubbed your toe earlier. Dust in space. Dust in space. Uh-huh. You kept saying dust in space. I feel like you guys just don't listen to me. I think you guys are just bad listeners. You were screaming dust in space at all of us.

Me. Yes. You guys, it's okay. Trust me. I met Pastor Zach as a complete non-believer, and my life was in absolute shambles. It's true. So wait, so which God do you believe in?

Well, I believe in? Well, I believe in the God. Okay. And I know, I know there's a lot of talk about all the different pantheons of God, but I believe in the one that's got your back friend. And I believe in the one, uh,

a chalice. Is it? Oh my God. I believe in the one that believes in you, even though you don't yet know his love. Oh, wow. And it's a love that I'd love to share with all of you. He winks and he tries to wink in a way

that everyone thinks the wink is for them. That was for me. Oh my God. That was specifically just right for me only. You know, this sounds so much like my experience with my sandwiches it's a spiritual experience uh seb hides a sandwich every day and i never know where it is the unknown is scary right guys yeah then i always find it and it's like i found god for the first time is that

what it's like at your church uh zach has been making complete unblinking eye contact with you lays it lays a hand on your shoulder thank you so much beef is it uh yeah that's almost exactly what it's like to believe now if you were raised by pigs i'm curious about your religious upbringing cath Catholic. Catholicism. There are many paths, friends, but hey, all of those paths brought us here to this community center. And hopefully all of our paths will bring us to tomorrow where we can all celebrate together. I do have a question for you, Pastor Zach. Love questions.

You said you were... Hey, he makes unblinking eye contact with you yeah love questions oh okay um beef like interlaces his fingers together he gets a little nervous oh you said that you you you came where did you come from you're new in town where'd you come from uh he unslings his guitar over his shoulder and starts to strum like a chord out of his guitar. Well, I've been everywhere. I've been all over this earth. I've roamed far.

I've roamed wide. And it's all brought me to right here. Wow. He strums his guitar one more time and puts it back over his shoulders. He never goes into a song, but he gives clear impressions that he was about to go into a song.

Wow. Yeah, he's really good. He didn't really play that much right there. Yeah, he didn't answer that question at all. He's so good. Well, hey, maybe you'll find out more tomorrow at the event. Thank you guys so much for hosting,

and I hope you guys can get it in kind of, you know, holy order before we show up tomorrow. Bart, go find your kids. Yeah, we got it, all right? Seriously. Guys, every time you bring up my kids, it makes me really sad. That's your problem.

That's how we know you. Hey, hey, it's okay. Bart, your kids are welcome at the event as well. Everyone's welcome. Old people. They're lost. The infirm, children. If you have friends, bring your friends over as well. If we just invite all kids, maybe Bart's kids will just show up.

The more, the merrier. All right. Amazing, guys. Well, I guess we'll see you tomorrow. I can't wait. You guys, I can't believe you're letting the Lord's love into your hearts already. I'm so excited. I hope it does for you what it's done for me. Well, I don't know.

I mean, I'm technically Catholic from my upbringing, so I don't know if I buy into what Pastor Zach is saying. Yeah, if you're Catholic, which means Catholic you, and that's what church is. Yeah, and that is why, I mean, like I said, I got a lot of religions. My sandwiches, my Catholics. And so, I don't know.

I don't know if this is going to go over well. I don't know if you are having trouble reading the room socially, but we actually have a prior engagement. Pastor Zach has to go kiss some babies and bless them. But we're excited to see you guys tomorrow. Is it too late

to be a baby? Hey. Damn. Chalice, that did not sound as sexy as you. It didn't? Beef,

seriously, did that not sound sexy? Girl, girl, girl, I got your back. Girl, it did not sound sexy.

Girl, that did not work beef i completely understand i completely get where you're coming from heck i've been there i've been in your shoes but it sounds like i got a whole night to win you over are you doing anything tonight uh well let me check my schedule and he looks out of the palm of his hand. I got nothing, it looks like. Pastor Zach McKenzie presses the palm of his hand into Beef's hand. Well, then it looks like your schedule's cleared up. And they intertwine fingers.

Wow. Your hands are supple. Yeah, I moisturize. Pastor Zach, did you want me to reschedule with the babies? You know what? Why don't we do a Mrs. Doubtfire thing? We'll do both. Okay.

Bart. He's going to do a Mrs. Doubtfire thing. Bart, are you his secretary and assistant? Bart, set up the Mrs. Doubtfire thing now. Everybody assist the Lord in one way or another, okay? Bart helps out as much as Bart can. That's right. Doubtfire thing now. Everybody assist the Lord in one way or another, okay? Bart helps out as much as Bart can. That's right. So I'm dressing like an older lady and going for you. I'm actually not quite sure on the rules of this. Oh my God, just do a Mrs. Doubtfire, Bart, and find your freaking kids. Good Lord. Pastor Zach says we'll get it figured out and

puts his arm over Bart's shoulder. And as he's leading Bart away, he's like, again, out and puts his arm over Bart's shoulder. And as he's leading Bart away, he's like, again, the parable of the Mrs. Doubtfire. There was a very divorced man. And then Pierce Brosnan shows up. That's Bond, baby. Pastor McKenzie wanted some time the night before the event to reach out to Beef. So Pastor McKenzie, where would you like to talk to Beef? There's different rooms in Bottoms Up because it's a tavern and in. I think what would be interesting to me would be to be outside of the tavern. And Pastor Zach McKenzie has volunteered to help chop wood for the tavern, because he always has to help in any place that he's in.

Man, it's like you float. You're not even walking. No, I assure you, I'm walking. I'm walking. I'm walking in the Lord's path. Tell me, Beef, would you mind putting another piece of wood on the chopping block? Sure, no problem. Wow, you have great hands and great balance. Has anyone ever told you that before? No, actually. No one's given me a compliment. Really? Well, I don't know why. I mean, you're a creature who you could get a compliment every day and it wouldn't be enough.

Shucks. No way. No way. Look at me. I'm a big old potato with toothpick arms and legs. Like, who's going to love me? If someone could love someone like me, and as he says that,

he swings the axe down on the log, splits it perfectly. Now, he has since changed his shirt into another simple cloth shirt, but as he smashes the axe down, it gets splinter spray all over his shirt. And he again rips just the center part

of his shirt off that's covered in axe splinters and reveals his body yet again. He, by the way, still has his guitar on his back even though not an advisable activity when chopping wood. Chalice is looking out the window

like it's a TV show, sipping tea and just like not blinking. Well, Beef, if no one's ever given you a compliment before, I got to be honest, it sounds like this Catholic thing that you've been doing maybe hasn't really been working out. You know, I was raised by pigs, as my friends told you. Sure.

And you know why they called me Beef? It's because they wanted to always remind me that I was never them, that I'm not them. And that pain stays with you. Huh. You know what? I'm not going to call you Beef anymore. You know what I'm going to call you? What are you going to call me? I'm going to call you Pastor Zach McKenzie.

But that's your name. Now it's our name, Beef. Because everything that I have, it comes from the Lord. And everything the Lord provides, it's for you as well. And now you never have to feel alone again because you're somebody. You're Pastor Zach McKenzie the same as I'm Pastor Zach McKenzie. Wow. You're so smart. It's like, how did you get like this? Please, I accept the compliment. I thank you for the compliment, but I have to pass it on to the big man upstairs.

It's not me. It's all him. The Lord provides for me, and I pass on what the Lord provides. Now, Beef, now that you're Pastor Zach McKenzie, are you ready to devote yourself to the Lord? You know, yeah. You know, yeah.

He places the ax in Beef's hands and sets another log on the chopping block then chop the block all right beef roll a d20 to see how well you chop it oh i got a nat 20 but my athletics is negative one no nat 20 doesn't matter. That trumps all things. So the fucking, when you come down on that wooden log, it explodes. I am a new beef. I am.

You're no longer beef. I'm no longer beef. I stand on top of the main log that we were chopping it. And my arms are, I'm starfished. And my arms are out. My legs are spread. And I say, I I'm starfished. And my arms are out, my legs are spread.

And I say, I am Pastor Zach McKenzie. Pastor Zach is kind of like looking very intensely off into the distance, kind of considering what he just saw from Beef. And he turns to you. Pastor Zach, how would you like to be my first disciple of the acts? I would, it would be an honor. Pastor Zach overhears us and goes,

I, I, I must've, uh, heard incorrectly. Did you say that you were going to make a beef? Your first disciple? You did hear incorrectly because this is pastor Zach McKenzie and pastor

Zach is going to be my first disciple of the acts. Hold onto this ax, uh, pastor Zach, because we is going to be my first disciple of the Axe. Hold on to this axe, Pastor Zach, because we're going to need it for the big community outreach event. You got it, Pastor Zach. Hey, do you guys see Chalice in the window there? Chalice is like bug-eyed and holding her hand up against the window because she just saw Beef do something super strong. She's like losing her mind,

and then she's just mumbling, God in space. God is in space. It's not dust. It's God. It's not dust. It's God. And the window is fully fogged up. Yeah.

And then Sebastian just has like little cartoon kind of like wheel feet as he's racing around because he's the only one working in the bar. racing around because he's the only one working in the bar. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

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designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterP dot com slash sitcom D&D. So this is the morning right before the community outreach event is about to begin. Everyone's working there except for Beef Egg, a.k.a. Pastor Zach McKenzie. So what have you guys done to prepare the bar at this point we turned all the tables into pews we've we've we we took beef's axe and we chopped them all up and now they're all pews um chalice has made like uh t-shirts that say uh his name on it and they have and she also made sort of out of paper guitars

that people could sling over their backs just so they can like look like him as an homage to him. I put a bunch of posters up that just have words like change and renew. There's a couple posters around that say have you seen these kids and it's Bart's kids. Also there's a

huge cake. A huge cake. So you guys have been kind of wondering where beef has been all morning you haven't really seen beef since last night um and since you saw beef last interacting with pastor zach mckenzie and then down from beef's room coming down the steps and bottoms up you turn and you look and it's beef except for beef is looking very good and also looking exactly like a smaller version of pastor zach mckenzie i have a four pack in the front and the back and beef's wearing a pastor zach mckenzie wig that beef somehow fashioned that looks just like pastor zach mckenzie's hair and has Beavis

his lute strapped to his back and Beef or should I say Pastor Zach McKenzie do you want to address so confusing thanks ABC do you want to address your friends and

co-workers yeah I clap disciples tonight is the night your friends and coworkers? Yeah, a clap. Disciples, tonight is the night that the Lordeth taketh the patheth of least resistance to the Lordeth. Talos has like one hand on her heart and like one hand up and it's just like sort of her eyes are closed

and she's like really having a moment. Seb is just wearing a really big t-shirt because he has just been moving around all night because he was the only one prepared for today. So I just look like weenie the poo. I'm still just going just like all around the place. Just my legs just going really, really fast cleaning. Did Seb get any sleep last night? No, I look terrible. Any sort of role that we have to do, I will do with disadvantage for the rest of the night. And that's really big of you. Yeah.

Wow. Self-imposed disadvantage. I love it. All right. The real Pastor Mackenzie enters Bottoms Up. Woo! Yeah! Woo, woo, woo, woo! Woo, woo, woo, woo!

Please, thank you, thank you, but the fanfare's not necessary. Wow! Look at this place. You four really did your jobs well. This place looks amazing. Thank you so much. We all did equal parts to fix it up.

Right in that moment, I go, four, and then I fall off a ladder. Oh, can Pastor Zach run over to catch you as you fall off the ladder? Yeah, you can. Okay. Thank you. Thank you, man. Yeah, let's roll to see if that

was successful. Natural 20. For real? Yeah, natural 20. You get to describe what it looks like. So as you're falling off the ladder, Pastor Zach, who's wearing again, just take a cloth t-shirt, sees you kind of teetering off the ladder

and says, everyone move. And as he rushes over, he rips part of his shirt off to kind of like clearly get his arms ready for him to catch you and he catches you as you fall off the ladder oh friend are you okay yeah i was so ready to just bust my crack i i thought for sure i was gonna bust my crack right there well sometimes when we don't expect to be caught that that's the Lord giving us a helping hand. Chalice is sprinting up the ladder and then immediately flinging herself off of it.

Pastor Zach, do you try to catch Chalice? I'm still kind of holding you. I'm assuming I'm holding Seb a little bit of a dip at this point. And so, no, I don't. I let Chalice fall behind me. Chip tries to this point. And so, no, I don't. I let jealous fall behind me. Chip tries to catch her. I was going to say Chip should try. Chip does try to catch her in the same way that Pastor Zach caught Seb.

Okay, great. Roll an athletics check. Oh, my God. Oh, no. I'm rolling. My rolls today have been a two, a three, and a four. Luckily, I'm decent at My rules today have been a two, a three, and a four. Luckily, I'm decent athletic, so 11. An 11.

Oh, wow. So you help break Chalice's fall, but no one would call it a catch. Oh, but I did rip off part of my shirt too. I would love it. I would love it if it's the wrong part. Like you tried to do that same collar rip move, but you just took like a sleeve off. Like you just ripped off a sleeve.

I give her that sleeve that I ripped off. You can't even tell if Chip was trying to hurt you or help you. Chalice is just glaring at Chip, thinking that he intentionally sabotaged her and surely pushed the pastor out of the way he was definitely gonna catch her if chip didn't do this um chip what you smell like stinky mud stay out of my way stinky you were stinky chip and then she's like but she's saying this to him but she's like still smiling at the pastor like i know you tried to catch me

the pastor who still is making unbroken eye contact with Seb says, you know, I could maybe help you clear up that moss ear. Really? That would be awesome. It's no problem. Pastor Zach McKenzie always carries a little holy water around with him. And he reaches out into like he reaches into his shirt like he was going to take some holy water out. But instead, he just grabs a little empty vial and, like, takes some of the glistening sweat off of his chest and, like, caps it into the vial and hands it to you. A little of this in your ear twice a day.

Everything that you need. Is it too late to be a vial? Oh, girl. Oh, girly. Once he's gone, you can start using my sweat. And, you know, once he's gone. You smell like stinky mud. Like stinky, stinky ass mud.

Yeah, Chip, maybe you should go into the alleyway and have someone spray you with a hose. Jennifer could maybe spray you with a hose. I'm not spraying Chip anymore. I'm done with that. I got the kitchen to run. We did that this morning and I think that's why I smell like stinky mud. I think our hose is filled with stinky mud. That's what I'm concerned about right now.

Okay? Yeah, sure. Blame the hose. You know, sometimes it feels like our hose is full of stinky mud, but all it really takes is letting the stinky mud out, getting our hose clean again, and letting in the love of the Lord. Amen. Amen, Pastor Zach.

Chip, can I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, I might be a little stinky though. Hey man, you are very stinky. You do smell like stinky. One to one, one to one, you smell like stinky mud. Yeah. Was it really the hose thing no yeah it wasn't i didn't

think so did you i i slopped i slopped yeah you slapped yourself i slopped around in stinky mud this morning i thought it would be a way to like baptize i was trying to baptize myself and there's not really any water around so I just want to pit a stinky mud and I try to baptize myself. Can I tell you a secret, Chip? What? Two years ago I was in your exact same shoes. There's no f***ing way.

There's no f***ing way. Rolling around in stinky mud. You? Look at you. But you know what I found? What? At the bottom of that mud? Hope. What do you believe in?

Well, I was raised to believe in absolutely nothing. My parents said that there's nothing after and there's nothing before your life and you're just going to have to deal with it. And then they would like shove me around

and they weren't very nice. Wow. It sounds a lot like my folks honestly there's no f***ing way believe me believe me no way everything sounds insane until it's true chip so you're saying i should go back to that mud pit and dig to the bottom and find the hope sure maybe there's something down there why don't you tell me what you find okay if if there's any chance that i could look like you or be like you one day then i'm gonna go after it and i sprint off to the mud puddle that i dove in earlier today and i dive straight to the bottom and i search for hope i'll be honest he smelled really bad and i i did kind of want him to get out of here

for the ceremony because we're going to have a lot of people in here. Don't judge me on that. Don't judge me on that. Everyone's on their own journey. Honestly, it's been, we honestly didn't know how to say it to him. It's been a problem.

Everyone else said it to him first before I said it to him. We've been saying it to him. It's not that we knew exactly how to say it to him. I'll be honest, I only said it to him first before I said it to him. We've been saying it to him. It's not that we knew exactly how to say it to him. I'll be honest, I only said it to him because I thought I was the last one to have said it. Hey, Pastor McKenzie, can I just steal you away just like

real quick? She puts her hand on his hands and she goes, I just wanted to tell you before yesterday I didn't believe in God anymore or any sort of higher power. You probably can tell by my shoes and my face and my skin and my teeth and my hair that i used to be a princess and we my family told me that like i was the higher power and i knew best so like when i ran away from the castle

i was thinking like you know what that's all a lie it's dust it's dust up there there's nothing and then to see you and smell you it really turned me around and i saw beef who is the smallest person i've ever seen in my life beef is so small and i've seen like a slight wind take beef away and to see beef chop that wood last night i'm a believer and I would love to be a part of the ceremony today. You know, it's not as easy as that, right? No. I'd love it if it were. I'd love it if it were.

I'd love it if you could just say, I want to be a believer. I believe. And I want to give myself to the Lord. But nothing that's worth doing comes easily yeah it's not that easy bart pipes in he's like it's not you if you think it's fucking easy it's not that easy actually so i don't know why everyone thinks it's something that's hard to do losing your kids just having them be lost i believe i'm gonna keep preparing for the ceremony

he storms off i know i mean look you have used to be a princess written all over you. And I bet you thought that that was a pretty perfect life. But what is life about for you now? I want to be. What are you scared of? What are you scared of? I'm scared of my life having less meaning now. I'm scared of not affecting change.

I'm scared that people are going to hate me because I used to be a princess How does that make you feel? It makes me feel like your guitar Just sort of there I need a little more Just sort of there, okay Sorry

But like just a beautiful thing waiting to be played but like just sitting on a shelf You know what you need, right? What? A kiss? What? Just a beautiful thing waiting to be played, but just sitting on a shelf. You know what you need, right? What? A kiss? What? Yeah, when you say a kiss, actually, he'll square off with both hands on your shoulder and lean in very close like he's going to give you a kiss and then say, purpose.

Purpose. He says it into your mouth. Purpose. You need to find purpose, and that's something, if you're willing to work for it, He says it into your mouth. Purpose. You need to find purpose. And that's something, if you're willing to work for it, that the Lord can offer. Yes. Purpose.

Purpose. Yeah, purpose. Keep trying it out in your mouth. The more you say it, the more you might like the way it feels. Thank you, Pastor. You've changed my life. Pastor Zach, we're all set for the ceremony whenever you are. Pastor Zach, we're all set for the ceremony whenever you are.

Throughout the day, people have shuffled in. You can tell are members of the church. And there's not really a strict dress code going on, but you can tell that all of them are dressed very modestly. So nobody's dressed in a very fancy manner. Everyone's dressed very, very modest. But now we've bottoms up is pretty filled. No one's drinking.

No one's ordered an alcoholic beverage. But about 50 people are now in bottoms up sitting at the tables that are now pews. So Pastor Zach, we'll make the announcement and then I'll hand the microphone off to you and then bada bing, bada boom, ready, easy peasy, God squeezy. Absolutely. And keep that ax ready. Remember, you're my disciple of the ax today. Don't you worry.

I slung it over my back like your guitar. I love it. I love it, Pastor Zach. I love you, Pastor Zach. I kissed your knee. Ladies and gentlemen, please find your seats in the pews in the front and the back. Also,

the kids here please make sure you take a good look at them bart is missing his kids anyways we got a very special guest here today uh he is a man of beautiful stature gorgeous 5'10 uh human his hair is delicious it's perfectly disheveled his c's are where his k's are and his k's are where his c's are and don't be distracted by that six pack of abs in the front and the back all right everyone give a little beautiful god clap to our pastor zach mckenzie they actually give one giant god clap in unison and that's it and then you guys are kind of looking around like what the fuck but they all knew the the entry clap that they do when uh pastor zach comes in again hand

on shoulder direct eye contact that was beautiful thank you so much for that all right everyone we're gonna start like we always start and and we're going to hear confessions. Who has something that they would like to confess from their week? Bart stands up and he goes, it's been a really trying week. Been looking for my kids like I usually do, Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and not a lot of new clues. lot of new clues um and uh i have to admit i have to confess that i've had some feelings of intense jealousy which i'm i'm ashamed to admit but i've been in the church for a while now and and working very closely with pastor zach and it's been an amazing experience but But then he chose this little man as his first disciple, Pastor Zach, right in front of me after knowing him for less than 20 minutes. It's been really tough to swallow.

Thank you, Bart. Thank you for sharing. But remember, there's no need to feel bad about being jealous. Jealousy is a good thing, okay? It's a very strong emotion and it's stirring you in your heart. So you don't really have to confess that you were feeling jealous, but you do have to confess that you felt bad about feeling jealous.

So let's burn it away, huh? All of that, like a wood that Pastor Zach was chopping is there's like a big fire place and he grabs like one of those fire pokers from the fire, places it in the fire, and then takes it over to Bart. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. And then he presses it against Bart's exposed forearm. Oh!

Oh! Where you see he was wearing long sleeves before that, it's riddled with very similar burns. Yeah. But it kind of looks like he's in ecstasy when it happens. He's like, feels so good to be forgiven. It feels so good to be forgiven. Great job, Bart. Great job.

What the hell? And we also have some new faces here today. Does anyone else have something? Maybe one of our newer faces that they want to confess and feel the holy forgiveness of the Lord? Chip slops in from the back. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. Chip didn't see any of this.

Covered in mud, head to toe. Oh, here we go. I want to confess. Hey, Chip, can you come here for just a second? I got to confess. I got to confess. chip can you come here i gotta confess i gotta confess arms look at the arms let's hear it chip i lied earlier um i already confessed this to father mckenzie but pastor pastor pastor mckenzie but i dove in slop mud slop earlier today to try and baptize myself. Wow. Like a fool, I guess.

And I just went back and I think I found hope in that mud pit. And I pull out Chalice's ring that she must have dropped earlier. And I say, Chalice, I actually found your ring in the mud pit. Oh, my God. I feel so guilty. Oh my God, that's my mom's. Thank you so much. Can you come stand by us though? Let me just, I just love it. Here, I toss her the ring. Let me just wrap this up.

No, I'll just wrap this up real quickly. Pastor Zach, like when you toss the ring, can he try to like intercede and snatch the ring in midair? Sure. Do you want to roll for it? I'll roll for it. Absolutely. This is terrifying all of a sudden. Oh, it's

only an 11. That's not going to do it. You kind of do, you like almost touch it. If your hand would have been in that place that it ended up about a half a second sooner, you would have caught it. Okay. Oh, sorry. I was actually sooner, you would have caught it. Okay. Oh, sorry. I was actually tossing that to Chalice.

It's okay. It's okay. Hey, it sounds like you found hope in that mud pit, just like I said you would, huh? That's exactly what it felt like. Let me ask you, Chip. Yeah. Are you ready to be baptized?

Oh my God, yes, of course. Can we try to stop this or is this just happening? Chip, Chip, Chip, mutilation, Chip, mutilation chip mutilation you guys can do what like yeah whatever you want um i still believe yeah chalice is not totally sure so sorry tip she's definitely suspicious but she's not sure yet i'm not open uh uh pastor zach turns around and addresses like everyone. Do you hear that, everyone? We have someone who wants to join the church. Let's get a big God clap. Huge single God clap.

Whoa, that was cool. Well, if you want to serve the Lord and you want to do the Lord's work, there's only one way. You have to be baptized and you have to be baptized through violence. Pastor Zach. I'm sorry? My disciple of the acts. Would you like to do the honors? I would be honored. Did you say violence? Let me ask you, Chip, how much do you want to join the church? Like, are we talking a hand, a foot, or are we talking like full fledged membership? Well, I'm not sure what you meant by hand or foot, but I guess just full fledged membership. Full fledged membership. Well, I'm not sure what you meant by hand or foot, but I guess just full-fledged membership. Full-fledged membership.

Okay. Pastor Zach? Yes, Pastor Zach? Let's get Chip into this church, huh? All right. Yeah. So you just want me to take this ax and just chop off his arm?

Beef, no. I'm sorry? You don't have to be sorry anymore chip all you have to be is accepting of the lord what is going on right now okay for god right this is for god right pastor zach this is for the only god this is for a bale the god of violence and the purity that that violence brings what wait a second i asked you yesterday what god you were referring to and you were very vague. And now you're being very specific.

Well, I mean, there's only one god, Chip. There's a lot of lesser pretenders to the throne, but his throne is covered in the skulls of the weak and the meek. And we're about to join that throne. Okay, don't get me wrong. I absolutely love violence more than almost anything or anyone.

But... What did you tell me? Didn't you tell me that you would give anything to look like me? Yeah, I would. That makes Chalice really sad to hear. No one else really heard that part of the conversation, so that's a brutal red flag.

Even though they're on stage and everyone's staring at them. As I say, yeah, I would. I look at Chalice who's like, I can tell. I want her to look at me the way that she's been looking at Pastor Zach for the past day. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Thanks so much, Willie. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

And then in that moment, while they're looking at each other, I go to chop off Chip's arm. Good. Okay. Basterd's act maybe even helps you by holding his shoulder, but kind of positioning his arm up a little bit as he's holding his shoulder.

Yes. For God. Okay, so yeah. If you've assisted Elizabeth, you can roll with advantage. So you can roll twice. Oh, God. Okay, sorry yeah, if you've assisted Elizabeth, you can roll with advantage. So you can roll twice. Oh, God. Sorry, Chip, but this is for God.

I asked for it. Seb is trying to get all of the mud wasps that have come into the bar as a result of Chip diving around in the mud. And I'm like, Jesus, they're biting my face. No days off. I rolled a 13 and a 15. Okay so

the 15 with an axe we'll say you have plus 3 to hit. That's an 18. 18 hits me. 18 hits. Okay. Roll for damage. 4. That does 4 damage to Chip,

and the axe gets lodged right in Chip's shoulder. Beef, what the fuck? What the fuck, man? With you with the axe on your shoulder, and Pastor Zach is still right in front of you, he goes, no, no, Chip, it's good, it's good. And he kind of takes his shirt, which I don't, has he ripped his shirt yet?

Yes. When you were saving Sab. He takes his shirt and he like pulls it back so you can see his exposed shoulder and you see like a pretty wicked like ax scar or a pretty wicked like cut in his shoulder as well. It's what the Lord wants. Holy shit.

That's fucking cool. Our pain is his pleasure. That's cool. But dude, are you about to do these to these kids that are around? No, no. I would never do that to them. I'm already in the Lord's favor. You have to do it to them.

Drive an ax into their shoulder? Pain and pleasure. It's the way things work. Everyone agrees, right? Can we get a big God clap? Chalice is really coming to right now. Believe it or not, that was enough to make her doubt him. Can she do like a magic missile?

Sure. How many missiles do you have? Three. Cool. Are you hitting anybody else? Maybe Beef, because she's not totally sure which is which in this moment. We do look exactly the same. Yeah, it's

pretty much identical. I think I can send two to one person. So I'm going to send two to JPC. Cool. Magic missiles fly through the air and hit their intended targets, dealing that damage, and a gasp goes across the parish.

Pastor Beef, I'm assuming the magic missiles, I'll say, hit him in his exposed abs and they left little scorch marks like scorch like marks on him. And he kind of looks down and sighs. Look, if we're going to start doing violence to each other, which we should, please use a blade, use something that will cut and use something that will scar.

People, what's the number one rule? And Unison, I want everyone to say, cut so it scars. He goes over to Chalice and very slowly, he doesn't have any weapons either, and he wants to grab Chalice's hands. You did nothing wrong. Except you didn't hurt me as much as you could. Uh-oh. Cult. Cult.

Cult. Yes. Yes. We are all part of the cult. You could be part of the cult too. Cult. Yeah. Seb. Seb. Cult. Oh, not cult, too. Cult, yeah. Seb, Seb, cult. Oh, not again. Okay.

Cult, cult. That's their safe word for when there's a cult. This is actually not the first time. This is probably the fourth time. An alarm goes off. Get the box. Get the cult box. I break through the glass box, and I get a whip out, and I'm just like, all right, come on, get out.

Come on now. Not right now. I know that this is your first time hearing it, but this is actually like the fifth or sixth time they've experienced something like this since Chalice has moved into Bottoms Up. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. That sounds pretty close minded from the four of you. And that's fine. Yeah, that's fine.

That's okay that you have that opinion. Alright, I'll read the card. I grabbed the card from the box. Everybody, you've been subject to the leadership of a man who is withholding all the power and I assume you all pay dues. Do you all pay dues? There's one big

god clap. I mean, everyone has to pay a little. I need so many shirts. Please confirm if the cost increases as you continue on with your programs. Not just the cost. Okay, let's be fair. Also, the physical cost of how much you need to be maimed, that increases as well. Huh?

That's not bad. And finally, must you recruit other people to the god of violence? Bail. And then you hear, and claps. All right. That last one, that's a cheap shot. That's not fair.

The only reason people have to recruit so much is because people keep dying so much. So people are starting to look around and they're like questioning. Maybe this isn't the right thing. Wait, wait, wait now. Wait now. Robert, and he points to someone in the audience. Yeah? You came to me at your lowest. and who helped you kill your whole family?

Well, you did. I did. Yeah. And Martha. But wait, wait, I kind of miss my family. Hold on, Robert, you're done. Martha. Yeah?

Yes? Wait, which Martha? Martha A or Martha Z? You two haven't killed each other yet? Come on, Martha. What are you doing? You just gave us the directive this morning. And we really like each other.

You shouldn't both be here. It's not what it's... Okay, Martha, you're done. What about you? Jebediah. Jebediah. He is? You were just trying to work at that store.

And I slit your throat and made your voice sound like that now. Yes. Jebediah, let me ask you a question. Have you or anyone else in this room ever seen him actually play that guitar? Shit. It really hurts to talk out of my sliced throat. Try anyway. No, no, I haven't.

Play a song, Pastor McKenzie, if that's your real name. Pastor Zach McKenzie, it's got to be pretty easy for you to do that, right? Don't let us down. Don't let me down. Beef's still on his side. Hot beef? Of course it is, Pastor Zach. Of course it is.

If that's what you want, if you want me to play a song, then I will. He takes his guitar down. He strums a chord. I'll play a song so powerful. I'll play a song so moving. Stalling. Yeah, do it.

Hold on. Hold on. Not only will you change your minds about me, but you'll change your minds about Bale, the god of murder and violence and perpetual death. And you'll, you know, the bones of the innocent will be ground upon his feet for his wicked pleasure.

You'll change your tune with a little tune that I call, whoa, is that free breadsticks? He like points to the back of the room. Jim tries to grab him. I gotta roll for the persuasion here. Yeah, try to roll for that for sure.

I rolled an 18 on this persuasion. And I said that's 18 plus 5. 18 plus 5 is a 23. Are you persuading them to look? So you can run away? I just pointed to the back of the room and said, is that free breadsticks? Trying to get them to look to the back of the room

so that I can jump out the window. Okay, great. So all of y'all look. It's reasonable that you all look. Breadsticks? We don't have breadsticks. That's just a basket filled with rolling pins. Jennifer made breadsticks? Is it too late to be a breadstick? Dallas.

So the other thing that this character has is very low strength. So can I roll another check to see if I can get the window open in time for it to sneak out? Yes, we'll say that this window is um pretty difficult to open it gets jammed a lot so you have to roll uh above a 12 okay yeah i have a plus zero to strike so let's see it is a three so when you all look back you just see pastor zach just straining with all his might trying to get the window open with

no success chip chip goes over and now this time he grabs he wants to grab him by like the back of his collar if his collar still exists he still has a collar just you'll probably just rip the shirt completely off they're like all his clothes are like breakaway clothes. Breakaway clothes. I grab him and I say, and I got one more question for you, Pastor Zach. Okay. Where the fuck are Bart's kids? I mean, I don't know. Honestly, I would love to claim that I took those kids, but I think he's just super irresponsible. Oh, goddamn.

Okay. Sorry. I thought maybe you were hiding the kids he's just super irresponsible. Oh, goddamn. Okay, sorry. I thought maybe you were hiding the kids. No, trust me. I killed kids. Okay. I killed plenty. I just know for a fact that I have not his, not Bart's. God, so he's just a bad dad.

I guess so. Hey, favor for a favor. Could you help me with this window? Yeah, sure. Okay. Great, thank you. I opened the window. The thing must be stuck so much. I'll roll to open the window. Yeah, it. Okay. Great. Thank you. I open the window. The thing must be stuck so much.

I'll roll to open the window. Yeah. It's a 12. Oh, and this time I roll high. I roll a 23. The window explodes open. Holy crap. You're strong.

How would you like to be? And he takes off his guitar. My new disciple of the guitar. Hmm. Chip, call. Chip, seriously, don't. Sorry. Sorry. No, you got to go, pal. You got to go. Hmm. Chip! Call! Chip! Seriously, don't! Sorry. Sorry.

No, you gotta go, pal. You gotta go. Okay. I guess, hey, I tried. Don't blame me when in one to a hundred years, you're all begging on your deathbed for Bale's sweet kiss to visit you upon your lips. When the pastor is doing the speech and backing up, can Chalice run and grab the hose to spray down to see if his abs are drawn on?

Yes, of course. Fake! You see like a lot of it wash off and he's like much more wiry and he's just like kind of covered in like scars and stuff. This is your god. This is the man you've put up on a pedestal. Bart still runs to his side and goes, he's a good man.

Leave him alone. We need to get you to safety, my holy one. We established that you're a bad dad, so you can go with him if you want to. You guys can go. No, we're not really so much together what oh god i mean i always i always considered us more like uh like acquaintances really honestly he draws his sword and tries uh to stab you but bart is so pathetic that what he ends up doing

when he tries to attack you is he accidentally impales himself. Oh, he falls on his own sword. That's so embarrassing. Falls on his own sword. And not surprising at all. And he's just dying and bleeding out in front of you. And he goes, my lord.

Bart, this is not going to work. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make Bail happy and you're trying to make me happy as well, but it's not going to work, okay? This, it reeks of desperation. Everyone take a look at Bart. Take a look at what Bart's doing.

Don't be a Bart. And then his two kids come out of the woods, walk up, and go, Daddy? And he goes, Homer, Marge. You're here. And he gets to see their faces one last time before he passes from this mortal realm. And then they look up at you four and go, are you our new parents?

No, go back to the woods. I don't know how. Yeah, go away. We'll leave like a little saucer of milk outside for you guys. Yeah, we could do that. Yeah, I guess we could do that. If that's what parenting is, we can do that. Two cold cuts. We'll leave you some cold cuts.

Yippee! Do you validate? Do you validate or... Yeah, you did a great job. Thank you. Pastor Zach, are you really leaving? Beef! For the love of God. Beef, stop.

Are you really leaving? No. No. Beef's right. I'm leaving, Beef. I can't believe how slow his exit's been since being exposed as a cult leader. I'm assuming most of the cult people have already filed that. And it's just, it's just, Beef, I'm leaving.

And I want to apologize to you. What? And I grab Beef by the shoulders and look Beef in the eye. Beef, I want to apologize to you. For I have to go. But your work, Pastor Zach, continues on. You must fulfill your holy mission. No.

No. What? What. No. No. No. No. You're the best beef in the world. You are perfect. You do not need to change to be someone else. We're so lucky to have you. And you know what, Beef? You can actually play guitar. And you know what, Beef? I hid

a big-ass hoagie somewhere in this room and start snorting, start sniffing, and start licking because it's sandwich time. Damn. Pastor Jack, I'm sorry, but sandwiches will always be my god. Chalice starts pulling down the posters

that said change, and the poster that was already there underneath is like stay the same and then like the renew poster is like exhaust like she just is putting everything back to order uh hey chip wait did did pastor zach leave no he's still there no pastor zach sat down at a table and he's trying to order. Dude, no. Oh, what? So I gotta go? Fine. Okay. I mean, are you gonna buy something?

No. Then yes. Then you gotta go. Absolutely yes. Get out. Alright, do you guys do reviews? Because I'd love for you to leave a review. Yeah, we have a comment box, but we don't have the key. Is it a star rating? It's just comments. It's just comments.

You can put stars on it. I'd love to put stars on it. I'm going to do three and a half. It's actually not that bad. Pretty good. The place is nice. It's a good space, but the staff is so rude. Especially you. You're pointing at all of us. Okay, let's all throw him out. Everybody grab him.

Grab a handful. I'm spitting on him. All right, I got right shoulder. Okay. We don't have to call which parts of me we're going to be throwing out. I have left foot. Ankles. Ready? One, two, three.

Dustin's face. All right, we're out of here. All of his clothes tear off as well as throw them out of the bar. Jennifer jumps up on the bar and she addresses all the folks that maybe haven't shuffled out yet from the Paris and she goes, so I heard that weirdo was like making you count calories and like really keeping a watchful eye. If you're hungry, we got orange stew on sale today. So line it up up and everyone is pretty

much in agreement that that sounds pretty good wait a second are those free breadsticks over there those are rolling pins it's a basket of rolling pins oh um hey uh chip uh as chalice is like grabbing a bowl to serve

herself um uh i'm sorry earlier i said that you're stinky like mud as Chalice is like grabbing a bowl to serve herself. I'm sorry. Earlier I said that you're stinky like mud. And I just want to let you know that like, if you ever started a cult, I would totally join. You're way more charismatic than that guy.

Yeah. Well, I won't. That's really cool of you. Thanks. Thanks so much. Yeah. And thanks for finding my mom's um ring that means a lot to me yeah i found it and it's like it's not hope but i know that it's not hope

but it's like it's for me it is for me oh shit um sorry i smell like stinky stinky mud i know i haven't i still haven't showered or anything. I probably smell like absolute dog shit. That's okay. Hey, guys. Anybody want a slice of cake? Oh, yeah. There was a pink cake. There was a four-tiered cake.

There was a cake? I don't remember the cake. You had a four-tiered cake. It's a four-tiered cake. Yeah, sure. When they open it, it's a pastor's axe in the middle. He pops out. You need to leave.

You gotta get out of here. I thought I had. You genuinely, you do look confused. I genuinely thought that I had. You look confused. I was walking. I was walking through the woods a second ago. Pastor Zach climbs out of the cake.

So you all have a lot of, he takes a slice of cake, a lot of thinking to do. He starts to eat his little piece of cake. So you all have a lot of, he takes a slice of cake, a lot of thinking to do. He starts to eat his little piece of cake. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. He walks over to the bar, grabs a bowl, fills it up with soup. But you should all know that before I go, I'm never coming back. That's fine. Get out of here, man.

He dips the cake in the soup, takes a big bite of soup cake. I'm going. I'm gone. Don't open that cake again because I'm gone. And I can leave myself. And he walks out of the bar. But I'm taking one of these breadsticks with me. And he grabs a rolling pin and he walks

out. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, JPC and I came up with the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Today we were joined by the delightfully demented JPC. You can listen to more JPC on his podcast Hey Riddle Riddle, and Bill Butts, a pop music review show hosted by Johnny O'Mara, We'll see you next time. end it. Also, this is your last chance to get your copy of my comic book, Skyless number two. That's right. There are only a few days left in our Kickstarter and we still need all the help we can get. We've been working really, really hard on it for a very long time. And I think it's turning out unbelievably well. You can check out some of the leaked pages from the series on our Kickstarter and get the second issue of Skyless for as little as $10 at the link in the show notes.

Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next week. And thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.