SitcomD&D - S1 E16: Funeral For A Friend

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

When Bottom's Up's best patron, Regular Joe, passes away the gang is very sad. But when they learn that he has bequeathed them heaps of gold if they can pull off the perfect funeral... They are doing the money dance baby!  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Oh, I guess we can just chat for a second because we need that hot, hot content. Yeah, sometimes it's nice if we just kind of chat. All right, let's force something. What's been on in somebody's mind? I've had COVID for the past week. Oh, no. What's that?

Never heard of her. Yeah, she's great. It's been okay. What's been nice is Emma, as a result, has been home this week because she can't go to school. So it's just an extra week

with the wife. And I'm, you know what? I still love her. Good. Holy shit. I'm so her. Good. Holy shit. I'm so glad this happened. That's really good.

They're still having fun and she's still the one. Could you imagine if Waleed took this time to be extremely, like, open up about this marriage? About this marriage. It's a regular day at bottoms up and sitting at the bar is one of your regulars known fondly by all of you as regular joe regular joe is a plump middle-aged gray-haired dwarf with a sweet disposition and although he's typically tipsy, he does typically tip well. And he has one of those faces that just makes you happy every time you see him. He's usually at bottoms up for at least an hour, if not longer, every day. And he's leaning over the bar now to order another round.

So, quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Can't trouble you for another flag and a veil? Oh, yeah, I got you, buddy. How you doing today, Joe? Not bad, not bad at all. Just another day in the life of regular Joe. You know what?

You sit here an hour every day. Tell me what a day in the life of regular Joe. You know what? You sit here an hour every day. Tell me what a day in the life of regular Joe looks like. Well, usually I wake up or should I say come to. Oh. What'd you say? Nothing. Nothing. Continue. No judgments here. Take a look at my surroundings. Assess where I am. Oh, no. And then take the quickest beeline for bottoms up. And then, as you know, typically we get into semantics and... Wait, you come straight here?

This is the first thing you do? First and last, my friend. So you're up for like an hour a day? Well, that's about all I remember. I can say that. Okay. All right. Do you need any food or water?

Water? What's that? Oh, it's this great thing that it'll keep you living longer if you're interested. No, no, no. No. I just want to see the rest of the crew. Where's my friends? Where's Sal?

Where's Beef? Where's Chalice? They were all wrestling downstairs, but I can calm up. Hey, no. No. I just want to see the rest of the crew. Where's my friends? Where's Sal? Where's Beef? Where's Chalice? They were all wrestling downstairs, but I can calm up. Hey, guys. Ho, ho. Did I hear Joe walked in? How the hell is my favorite guy at the bar? Oh, you know me, feeling pretty regular, but my stools ain't.

Hold on. I'm coming up the stairs. I'm still coming up the stairs. I said I'm pretty regular, but my stools ain't. His stool is broken. Can you grab the tool kit, Seb? Yeah, my stool is wobbly. And I'm taking weird poops.

Okay, that answers my question. All right, very cool, very cool. Yeah, I think I got a screwdriver. You know what, Joe? I was just thinking about you the other day, and I was thinking about how you've been here for all of our adventures. You were at that 16th birthday party.

You were at all that other stuff that we've done. You joined the cult. Oh, yeah. I was the first to join the cult. When Chip's family was here, you were there. It's just so crazy. You've been here for all of it. Yeah, it's so good to see you. Regular Joe. Sorry, there's a good to see you. Regular Joe.

Sorry, there's a lot of stairs and I was winning at the wrestling. How are you, my man? You know, well, and then his head collapses right onto the bar and he's not moving. That's a little rude. Joe. You rascal. Joe. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Joe. Joe. Knock, knock. Who's there? Joe. Moo. Joe, moo. Moo. Hey, you know what sleepy boys get? They get spanks, all right? I'm going to get you.

I'm spanking you. Oh, he's dead. Oh, he's dead. No. He's dead. What do you mean? I'm spanking a corpse? It doesn't look like he's breathing, but does someone want to roll for perception?

Joe, do you need some water? I roll a three. Well, he looks dead. Oh my God. He's dead. Oh no. Can I roll a medicine check to see what's wrong with him? Sure.

18. You can tell that his brain, there's no blood pumping to it because his heart has full on stopped. And it looks like he's most likely had a massive coronary. No! All right, I take him back. I throw him to the ground.

I rip open his shirt. I'm like, this man's dying. You were spanking him a second ago. To save his heart, okay? It's not connected. I didn't kill this man. Did someone say they need a doctor? It's me. Oh, God't kill this man. Did someone say they need a doctor? It's me.

Oh, God. Is this Dr. Pibb? Dr. Pibb. No. Okay. Dr. Pibb. I think we're actually fine. Oh, are you?

Because this gentleman doesn't seem to be breathing. He gets down on his knees next to you, feels his pulse, and goes, Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. What is it, Doc? Why is he moaning like that? Hmm. Hmm.

Okay. If you recall, Dr. Pibb's kind of a pervert. Yeah, he is kind of a pervert. I'm going to be honest. I have forgotten about this character. I believe I described him as looking like a walrus to my recollection. I think that was based off the voice that Sean did. So after his uncomfortable moaning, Dr. Pibb looks up at all of you and goes,

this man's dead for real. Okay. Versus fake? No, I mean, he's just, so he's dead. And that's kind of like, if this was a cold open, that would be the end of the cold open. The doctor saying, this guy's dead. Oh, jeez. How about we gasp?

Okay. Well, Dr. Pibb looks, oh, wait, hold on. Let me finish my line. Sorry. Dr. Pibb, here. That's your line? So, I'm going to describe his action and use his voice. Okay, Dr. Pibb looks up,

takes the stethoscope out of his ears and goes, well, this gentleman is dead for real. Oh, no! Oh, no! If you're about to sneeze, look at a light. That's doctor stuff. It'll stop you from sneezing. That helps you sneeze.

Oh. Get the hell out of here. You're a bad doctor. I don't remember you. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms of.

As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day we're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end

so cheers to all our family and our friends starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

We cut back to that afternoon. Regular Joe's body is now laid out on the bar, and you're all discussing what to do next when a distinguished-looking gnome walks in the door. Did he even have family or a wife or... Beef, we can't cut him off. Oh, excuse me. Pardon me. Oh, yes.

Hello, I am Willem de Grace, and I'm the executor of Joe's will. Oh, my goodness. Is that his body right there? May I approach? That's respectful. Okay. But of course.

You can approach, but do not touch. Right, of course, of course. That's boundaries. Thank you, Beef. Yeah, okay. Well, Seb, you were spanking the corpse earlier. I will not forget it. I will not drop it. I won't forget it. I won. Of course. That's boundaries. Thank you, Beef. Yeah. Okay. Well, Seb, you were spanking the corpse earlier. I will not forget it. I will not drop it.

I didn't know it was dead yet. I won't forget it. I won't drop it. I can't get it out of my head. I feel like you guys aren't going to forgive me for that. All right? Like, I spank one corpse and then I'm the bad guy. I certainly won't forget.

Maybe if this was the only corpse, we would forgive you. It's not the first one, buddy. This is not the first corpse. It's a coincidence, okay? Can we flash back to the last time that he spanked a corpse? Hey!

Hey, you get out of this barrel, man! Hey, I'm gonna spank you if you don't get out of this barrel! Oh, it's a... I'm spanking... This person drowned

in this barrel. Oh, my God, Seb! Oh, God. Oh, God. Why do you spank strangers? Because they're bad. Chalice, you were there. What? What's up, Beef?

Huh? We can't hang out without you? Don't make this about that. Wait, that was just you? I wasn't even referring to that spanking. You two kind of just hang out sometimes? I want to make this episode about how you guys don't hang out with me.

Beef, except that I can hang out. We can all hang out as pairs. Beef, I wasn't there either. How about you and me do something? After this episode, you and me. We're going to hang out. Go hang out? We go hang out.

Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? You want to get a bite? Yeah, I would like to go. Well, not a little bit, Neff, because I want to hang out. No, no. I want a bite. Pardon me.

I did have some important business to discuss with you. That's right, sorry You're the executor, you're the one that killed him? No, no, I'm not an executioner I'm the executor Of Joe's will I'm here to let you all know That Mr. Millionaire

Or Joe, as you knew him What? Yes, his full name is Joe Millionaire Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, we were? Oh, whoa, Millionaire. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wee-wah? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, whoa, whoa. Excuse me.

Back up the truck. Is that the kind of last name that was given based on his circumstances? Or is it just like his last name is Baker and he's like an accountant? It's Dwarvish. That doesn't answer my question. That doesn't answer my question so mr. millionaire has left all of you a large amount of gold in his will oh my god but but but but what but but but but but as the executor I am only to give it to you if you live up to your end of the bargain.

You see, Mr. Millionaire had very specific ideas about what his funeral service should be like. If you can accommodate his post-mortem requests and the funeral is in accordance with his dying will and testament, I shall bequeath you his assets. Here is a copy of his requests as they appear in the will. I'm sorry, you had a question, big fellow. The only question was, how much sweet, sweet change are we going to get from this?

How many clams? Hey, everybody, let's do our little money dance. And it's cute, and it's mostly cute. I'm gonna buy a bed. This is in poor taste considering the body is hardly even cold yet. We were trying to incorporate him.

Can't you see that we're swinging its arms? All right, let's take a look at this list. So I can help. I've made a copy for you, but I'll just give you a rundown of what's on the list here. Joseph would like to have the service at Bottoms Up Tavern Inn, the place where he has laughed, cried, and danced hardest in his life. Aw. Easy.

That seems easy. He wants the funeral to take place the day after he dies. In his words, he would like to be buried, quote, fresh. Okay. So that's tomorrow. Okay, we could do that. Easy, this seems easy. Yeah, easy. We got shovels.

He requests the artist formerly known and currently known as Beef play music at the event. Oh my God. Oh yeah. That's me.

Not preferable, but we can do that pretty easy. Beef's here, so Beef can do it. I am busy tomorrow. What do you have, Beef? What do you have? I'm getting my nails done.

If you have to ask. Beef, come on. This is important. It's gold. Come on. It's so hard to get an appointment these days with Lorenda. Okay, Lorenda will reschedule with you. I will put in a good word with Lorenda.

We'll go together next week. I assure you it would be worth your time. Did I mention how much he's bequeathed to you each? No, I asked and then we kind of just moved past it. We did our money dance? Yeah. I completely forgot. Oh, it was the money dance. That's what it really is.

Yes, it would be and hold your genitalia because this is a big number. And they're starting to do the money dance again. It sort of looks like all the Charlie Brown characters dancing. But they are also holding their genitalia. And one hand is on the genitalia, the other is swinging up in the air high. Money, money, money, money, money, money, money.

I grabbed mine too hard. Mr. Joe Millionaire has bequeathed 500 gold pieces to each of you individuals at bottom. What in your mother's mouth? What are you saying? Joe Millionaire has bequeathed the equivalent of, oh, I don't know, a year and a half worth of work for each of you post-mortem. Holy crap.

So we just have to do a really straightforward funeral. Sounds easy. Yeah, so do a funeral tomorrow, beef performs. Okay. This saves the bar. So also, just to keep going through the wheel then here. Oh, there's more. All drinks will be paid for by his estate, so it will be an open bar event.

He would like it to be a full house with a somber vibe. He then emphasized, I want people to be really sad. Okay. Yeah, that's daily. I've heard people refer to this place as the sad factory. Yeah, so we'll just have the regulars come in. That's our clientele. Way ahead of you.

And finally, he requests his ex-wife, Karen DeJack, to be in attendance for the funeral. And do you know where she is? Her address is written here. She lives at 304 West Vale on the other side of the Short Wood. Okay. Okay. Cool. Yeah, this is Wood. Okay. Okay. Cool. Yeah, this is easy. Okay, excellent.

I, of course, will be in attendance at the funeral, making sure that the services are up to snuff, just as Mr. Joe intended. And once the service is over, then, of course, I will sign over the gold to you four. And, yes, it's a very sad time, but I'm very excited that the services

will be in the hands of those who are so near and dear to you. They're not listening. They're doing their Charlie Brown dance. Can I just ask him? I'm like, I'm sorry. I can't let you go without saying this, but you sound like a little orphan to me. You just sound like a little orphan to me. I was trying to think. I couldn't place it. I couldn't place it, Seb. this, but you sound like a little orphan to me. You just sound like a little orphan to me.

I was trying to think. I couldn't place it. I couldn't place it, Seb. Yeah, are your parents dead? Yeah. Oh. Seb and I, when we hung out, Seb and I went on this road trip together, and we met a little orphan.

Oh, my God, Seb, it was so funny. It confused me. Oh, my God. Are you that orphan? Oh, actually, I'm first generation orphan, so both of my parents were orphans, and that's why I have this slight accent. That's beautiful. That's wonderful. I don't mean to make this conversation about me but what the

hell? You going on a road trip? When? When was this? I mean we I'm pretty sure we invited you guys. Yeah I think I remember inviting you guys. I don't know beef was What? Is this when you told us to plug our ears we have something to ask you? Which confused me but I did it.

It might have been that. Which time? Well, I wouldn't be too concerned because it sounds like the four of you are about to head on to a little road trip of your own. You're going to have to cross through the shortwood to get to Karen to Jack. All right.

Who's driving? Nose goes. Nose goes. Oh, shit. Okay, I'll drive. I'll drive. What does that mean? Oh, my gosh.

Okay, come outside, orphan boy, and see. You don't get it? I think Chip's about to kick this orphan's ass. We cut to the four of you on your way to Karen to Jack, and you're about to head into the shortwood. Okay. Because I'm driving, because I agreed to drive, I'm holding Chalice in my arms,

and Seb and Beef are on my shoulders. This is way faster and easier than when Beef drives. But he does drive. But he does. He takes his turn. But he does drive. Yeah, Beef offers it a lot. That's stupid.

And I don't mean to get into this, but when you guys were on your road trip, who drove? Who was driving? We took turns. Yeah, we took turns. Oh. Chalice would carry me like a little backpack and call me backpack. That's how our backpack joke comes from. You know what I call said backpack? Yeah. Oh. Heyalice would carry me like a little backpack and call me backpack. That's how where our backpack joke comes from. You know what I call Seb backpack?

Yeah. Oh. Hey, Chip. Sorry. Sidebar. And I kind of like. You're whispering in my ear. Yeah.

I'm whispering in your ear. I'm like, hey, man. You're like the little angel on my shoulder. And Seb is the devil on my other shoulder. Hey, man. I don't know if this is such a great idea that Seb and Chalice are hanging out together so much. You know what I'm saying?

Not for you. Not for you. So, we have two choices. I say either you and me hang out on our own. Done. Easy. Oh, okay. I was gonna... Okay, we can do that, I guess. No, no, no. What else are we using? We just freaking split them up. Make them fight each other. Do you think Chalice is into Seb? F***

no. What are you guys talking about? I'm just looking up at his Instagram. You're seven inches away from us. As this conversation is happening, you all approach the beginning of the short wood and you can take a path to the left or a path to the right. You know that the path to the left takes a lot longer

but is generally more safe and the path to the right takes a lot longer but is generally more safe and the path to the right is quicker and a little bit more dangerous to the right, to the right, to the right in a box, everything you own in a box, to the right right, right, let's go right faster and faster, let's go right

Chip starts going to the left Chip! no, Chip! Chip, huh? What? Huh? We sang the song. I know you sang the song, but you know what?

I'm doing something maybe a little different. We're going the safe way in this economy? Oh, my gosh. Boring. What, do you call me a wimp? Yeah, I'm calling you a wimp. Let's go to the right. It's so much faster.

Come on. Don't be a prude. Chip's a prude. This is my choice. No, I'm not a prude, and I sprint, and I say that. I say, I'm sprinting, and I sprint to the right. I don't have my seatbelt on. Slow down.

Slow down. Buckle up, pals. Where? I'm going to spill my drink. Where's the cup holder? I love that question. That's such an important question. Do I have, like, one of those beer hats with the two? I was going to say that I just kind of coiled's such an important question. Do I have like one of those beer hats?

I was going to say that I just kind of coiled your ponytail. My ponytail. And I just sprayed it with a bunch of glue. Disgusting. I love it. Okay, so since y'all chose the right path, it's a little more dangerous. And for the first time ever, we're kind of out of Bottoms Up. We're kind of on a little quest.

And I'm going to have... For the first time for some of us. You roll on the encounter table. We're going to do a D100 and I found this little website that has a bunch of different options that you could potentially run into

in the shortwood here. Since I'm walking, I can roll first. Okay. I rolled a 28. A 28. Jesus. Jesus Christ. So with a 28 rolled on the encounter table, you guys are walking through the shortwood on the quick path. When out of the brush, you hear stomps that sound like thunder. And through the brush, you hear the snapping of small trees.

And pushing through those trees approaches a troll. And it speaks common and says, I'm hungry. Hi, hungry. I'm Chalice. Oh, boom. I'm beef. My name not hungry. I'm hungry.

Okay. All right. I'm hungry. Okay, all right. This look tasty. He goes to grab beef. Whoa, no, no, no. Hands off, no. Whoa, man, hey. You're right, but don't. Okay, you give me food.

Yeah, sure. I have a half-eaten apple in my pocket right here. Here you go, buddy. Yeah, so you toss it right into his gaping maw that's the size of like four basketball hoops, and it bounces off his uvula, but he doesn't even really feel it, and he goes,

Mmm, more? I think I have some fruit snacks. Since you asked that as a question, no. I have these two cranberry oatmeal cookies that were for Chalice and I to have. Oh my God! Well, you said you like that. Seb, my fave, buddy.

That's so sweet. I'm gonna cry. That's so nice. What the f*** is going on? What the s*** is happening? I was getting an espresso, and I just had them, and I just was like,

we had that talk, and you told me about that, so I just have them. I love Seb. I love you, man. Hey, I love you too, and you told me about that, so I just have them. I love Seb. I love you, man. Hey, I love you too, man. What is going on? And Beef gives a knowing glance at Chip like,

I don't know, buddy. Yeah, man, like, what the? The thought's there, but I'm going to offer him, you know, this person, this troll, this troll needs him more than us, all right? So I throw them into the gaping. Toss cookies. Oh, mm. And they go gaping. Toss cookies. Oh.

And they go right down. That was good. You are friends of mine now. Oh. Okay. Oh. Hey. I love cookies.

Me too. What is your name? So I have a name, but everyone just call me Cookie Monster. Oh, that's fun. No. How about you're no monster. We'll call you Cookie. Yeah. Oh, I love fun. No. You're no monster. We'll call you Cookie. Yeah. Oh, I love that name.

I love your googly eyes and the fact that you don't have any real teeth. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Thank you. Thank you. You can come through here

anytime. All right. Thanks, Cookie. Very cool. Cookie Monster puts beef down gently and then stomps back off

into the woods. That's all you're hearing from Cookie right now. So far so good. We rule. This rocks. I'm having a great time. I feel like we just made a friend. I agree. But I kind of like the idea that you guys said about on your road trip, you guys

took turns. That doesn't really apply here. Yeah, that was kind of agreed upon up front. And you did say that you were driving. I can drive if we really want. Be fly. This is the shorter way. We have the time.

I'm just so comfy cozy. I got shotgun this time, which means being held like a baby. And I'm not really willing to give that up. Okay. All right. And before you know it, you end up at Karen DeJack's cute, quaint little cottage. Oh. Okay.

I'll go ahead and knock. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did we practice what we were going to say? Practice what? We're just inviting her to a funeral. Her son's. Or who is this woman to us? Her ex-husband.

Maybe she won't want to go. I wonder if their relationship ended bad. Wait, is it her husband or ex-husband Her ex-husband. Maybe she won't want to go. I wonder if their relationship ended bad. Wait, is it her husband or ex-husband? Ex-husband. Oh. Hi, excuse me. Can I help you? Ma'am, we haven't knocked yet.

You scared me so bad. Don't do that. Well, I'm so sorry, but what are you all doing on my property? We have some bad news, ma'am. Yeah. We. Well, depending on your perspective. Ma'am.

What's going on, babe? Another guy walks around the corner here. By the way, Karen to Jack, she's a beautiful middle-aged silver-haired human woman. Oh, that's nice. Say those words again. They all start doing the money dance when they see her. Uh, uh's nice. Say those words again. They all start doing the money dance when they see her. Uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Um, ma'am, ma'am and sexy man behind you? That is correct. He is a sexy man. Bad news, good news, bad news. Good news, bad news. He's dead. Um, I'm sorry, who? Joe.

Millionaire. Joe the millionaire. Joe millionaire? Oh, my God. Chip who? Joe. Millionaire. Joe the millionaire. Joe millionaire? Oh my God. Chip starts tearing up. And he... Remembering the good times he had with Joe. It was good.

It was good. He was a good man. We... And he's God. There was one time where he said, do you think I could drink this whole thing in less than 30 seconds? And I said, no way you can.

And he threw it up everywhere. But only me and Beef were there. I remember that pretty clearly. No, I was actually there. No, you guys weren't there. I was sitting next to him. Oh, for sure. Yeah, that sounds like Joe alright.

I mean, I guess it was only a matter of time the way he lived his life. That's so sad. We're sorry for your loss. Well, thanks for letting me know. And thanks for coming by. Don't shut the door. Hot. Well, hold on. Hey, hold on.

Yeah? We're actually here because the funeral is tomorrow. He wants his body fresh and supple for the soil, like a seed. Which you probably know. Yeah, yeah. So we wanted to come and invite you personally. It's going to be, we own a bar that he was kind of a regular at, and it's going to be there tomorrow.

Congrats. You got an invite. Yeah, it's an open bar, too. It's an open bar. Open bar. Honestly, thank you. Thank you so much for coming by and inviting me, but that chapter of my life is behind me, guys.

Don't shut the door. Don't butt. Yeah, there's a good way to really put it behind you and that's to come to the party and, you know, see his... Listen, listen. Joe and I had some good times, but in the end,

he just never got his act together. He didn't want a wife or a family. He just wanted a drinking buddy and honestly, there's nothing wrong with that, but, you know, I'd like to keep the past in the past. Hold on.

Didn't you kind of... Yeah, you hated him at times, right? Didn't you like, weren't you scornful at times? Really, really hated the guy? Yeah, I mean, Joe was kind of a little f***er. Exactly. He was always at the bar. He used me for money. He used me emotionally.

He was a terrible husband. The best way to rub that in his f***ing face is to come to his funeral. Yeah. You know, you can wear something funny. Just kind of spank his little corpse. You were a bad bad boy. That's pretty good.

Why don't you roll for persuasion? All of us? Well, Chip first. If you guys want to help, you can give Chip advantage. It's a pretty good pitch, right? It's a pretty good pitch. Unfortunately, I's a pretty good pitch. Okay. Unfortunately, I suck at talking. Actually, it's not too bad. I rolled a 14.

Okay, cool. She goes, okay, that makes a lot of sense. And then her now husband chimes in and goes, honey, I think you'd feel a lot better if you went. It's one day.

Yes, hot husband. Yes. Yes. Preach. Preach. Seriously, what's your name? Okay. Okay.

And stop. Just stop. And okay. I'll be there. All right? I'll be there. Do you ride? Great.

Now, what is for dinner? It smells delicious. Chicken pot pie? What's going on in there? What is that, a barley soup? That sounds really good. Man, it's warm. Can we come in? I'm hungry. It's actually nachos. Okay.

As in nacho pot pie. Get the f*** out of here. Oh my goodness. Weird. We'll still see you tomorrow, right? I think we've been really nice this whole time. That was really funny. Props to you. Dealing with a lot of complex emotions right now. Obviously, the death of an ex-husband.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Get it. See ya. Later. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge?

Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. We cut to the next day at Bottoms Up. It's just the funeral's about to begin. And you guys have to get the bar ready

for this event in accordance with the will. Seb and Chalice are laughing and doing their secret handshake. It's like about 10 minutes long at this point. They have like a really intricate, really fun secret handshake. Up and down and talk and you and you and slap and hit

and spank, spank, spank. Hey, guys, we actually have stuff to do. We actually have stuff that we have to get done, okay? So go find sad people. We gotta get done. Go find sad people. Oh, I'm chipped. Guys, is it appropriate to have balloons at a funeral?

Or frog balloons? I mean, we do this for any event we put up. Yeah, this is true. They're gonna go bad if we don't use them. Okay, okay. I'll use them. I'll blow them up. Willem de Grace walks up and goes, hey, preparations are

looking pretty great, but he did specify in his will specifically that it should be a full house, and we're looking at about a half full house. We were just getting to that. Okay. We have a very awesome idea.

If you look to your right, we've hired Lorinda, who is a local nail artist. She's doing people's nails for free at the front, free manicures. So that should hopefully bring people in the door. And it is, but it's bringing a lot of happy people who are talking quite loudly into the... Right, but the secret is we told Lorinda to do a horrible job.

Which is impossible. And might I say impossible for Lorinda because she is excellent at what she does. Yeah. It's actually quite clever. Okay. All right. Well, I'll be sitting in the back then. We should get some more folks though, right?

Yeah. How are we going to do that? Okay. Sad, sad, sad. Orphans are sad. If we go to an orphanage... back then we should get some more folks though right yeah how are we gonna do that okay sad sad sad orphans are sad if we go to an orphanage can convince the orphans to come i just i'm worried it might might come across as inappropriate you know it's like a lot of do you mind going into why you think that yeah i mean it's just sad but i lot of kids. I completely understand where you're coming from. Yeah, what the f*** is happening,

though? You know what we should go... You know what's even sadder than an orphanage? A DMV. Hold on. What the f*** is happening? When did you two get like this? I can't... I cannot move past this right now. We've always been close. Since the first day. I honestly thought I was

Seb's closest friend, and I honestly thought I was Chalice's closest friend. And the idea of that, you two are now close friends, is weird to me. I don't want to have this discussion right now, but we've been drifting apart for years. So it's totally... Who? You mean? I don't want to

talk about this right... Let's go to the orphanage, the DMV. Let's go somewhere. Seb and I are like thick as thieves. It's fine. It's not my fault you haven't noticed how close we got. All right, let's go to the DMV. Yeah, every relationship, it just comes in seasons, all right? Okay, well, me and Beef are going to the orphanage.

And we'll see who does better. I kind of want to go to the DMV. Fine. All four of you go to the DMV. Attention, people. There is an open bar right around the corner. The ticket in? Walk in and pretend to be very sad. Or if you're already sad, stay sad.

Right, Seb? That's right. And if you have trouble, I will paint on a frown right now. I got a bunch of tar, and I will paint a frown on your little face. And if any of you are orphans, you guys come straight to me. Enough, man. Okay, Seb. Since, okay. Inside the DMV, which we have now decided stands for Department of Manned Vehicles.

They're working on degendering that. But it's just the Department of Manned Vehicles, meaning people getting on someone else's back and kind of being walked or jogged about. You have to have your license. You got to get your license. So you just made an impassioned speech. Why don't you roll for persuasion? Someone needs to roll for me. What's your persuasion bonus?

Plus four, I think. Whoa, hello. Hi. Unfortunately, you rolled a two. Oh, perfect. So one of the DMV employees stands up and goes, ma'am, back of the line. Wait like everyone else. I was a princess.

I'm a prince. So you don't even, Chalice doesn't really have the energy or confidence. She's sort of mumbling princess. She walks away. Does someone else want to try? Yeah. Chip steps up and he says, orphans, orphans. Can I get your orphans?

Enough, man. Stop. Even if just your parents are dead, I don't care if you're an old person, as long as your parents are dead, it counts because you're probably sad. Sir, back of the line. Take a number and go to the back of the line.

I don't get to roll a persuasion check? For orphans? Yeah. Roll for orphans specifically. Oh, man. I rolled an 11. Okay. An 11-year-old orphan steps forward Oh my god Hey kid

Hello sir Yes Do you want A father? No There's an open bar If you come to Bottoms Up I don't know what that means

But okay You can see a dead guy too Oh my goodness I've seen many dead people before. Oh, my God. Your mom, your dad. I've had a very hard life so far. See, this is why this is a bad idea. Stuff like that. Come on. This is perfect.

And, kid, head there and on your way there, try and recruit anybody that's like you. Have a little gang, you know, I like to think that there's nobody who's just like me. Oh, unfortunately, unfortunately, kid. There's a lot of people like you. I cannot believe what I'm seeing.

This entire, no, no. Thank you so much. This is terrifying. I'm sorry. I've gotten one person to come. How many have you gotten to? You got yelled and shown to the back of the line. Beef, let's get out of here.

No. No, Beef, stay. Someone else try to get everyone to go, because we need to get these people. Hi, I am a bar owner. I have a lot of money on the line. I will not give it to you, but if you are

sad, if you are frustrated, if you just really want to kind of have a release and get a look at a dead body and find out how finite life really is, you will come with me to my bar. There's an open bar. You will get sad. You will see a dead body. You will not spank it.

And you should not be an orphan. All right? Roll for persuasion. Ooh! 19 minus one because I have a negative 1 charisma score. So the DMV employees heard open bar

again. They make eye contact with one another and they flip the open sign to close behind their little booths and they start making their way around and then everyone's like, well if the DMV's closed, might as well go to this open bar thing. And the whole crowd of sad and frustrated dmv people start to head towards bottoms up so we're gonna cut to bottoms up is now packed to the gills it is a full house um and you're getting ready for the funeral to kick off do you need to get a rundown of what is on the list again? It was the funeral has to be today.

Has to be. Open bar. Beef has to perform. Has to be at the bar. Has to be a full house. And open bar. Really sad. And they have to be sad.

And they have to be sad. And Karen has to be there. So, so far, you've kind of, you've checked all those boxes. Karen hasn't showed up yet. But Beef isn't playing. And a lot of people are still happy. Beef. Buddy.

What's your saddest song? Well, I do have, yeah, I got, all my songs are pretty happy-go-lucky. I guess I could make something up on the spot. Yeah. You told me that there was a secret song that you've never shared with anybody before because it's too private. I was actually there.

I think. No. I was. Yeah, I was sitting on the other side and I was like, it's easy. It was just the two of us. And we were talking. We had a really deep connected moment. Just the two of us.

That was the same day that Chalice and I, we had just gotten back from going to the water park. Yes. Yes. The water park. Oh, my gosh. We're hearing the ocean in our ears and like trying to get. I to the water park. Yes. The water park? Oh my gosh, we're hearing the ocean in our ears and like trying to get water. I love the water park. You're busy

or asleep. I got it. Go up there, bud. Thank God. Do it, do it, do it. Private song. Okay, yeah. I'm taking the stage. So Beef takes the stage which has now also been turned into kind of a ceremonial small stage where it's an open coffin event,

and Joe Millionaire, looking pretty good, is in his finest suit, is laid out there for all to see and pay their respects. Is open coffin the same thing as open casket? Or is open coffin, like, stood up like a vampire? It stood up like a vampire. Oh, great. What a nightmare. So, Beef, you take

this stage, pick up your loot, and are standing next to the open coffin. Ladies and gentlemen, if you could please take your seats. Make sure to tip Lorinda. She is the best in all of the town. She's the worst. She screwed up my nails.

These look horrible. It looks like ste the worst. She screwed up my nails. These look horrible. Good, good. It looks like steamy piles of poop on all my nails. And are you sad? I'm angry because I can tell that she's really skilled. It's really accurate looking pieces of poop. Angry works. I think angry works.

Yeah. Angry suffices. Perfect. Well, if angry works, it works for us. All right. Well, I'm going to sing a little song here for our friend Joe. My friends asked me to say my most private song. I've never sang this out loud.

So here we go. Chips in love with Chattanooga. No, no, no, no, no. What are you saying? And he's the saddest guy. You can't say his feelings towards her because he's never crying. Chalice is not listening.

Chalice and Seb are really like working on their handshake. They're like adding a new part to it. I just think we could do another turn, like just kind of like a jazz turn. You're so smart. No, throw your shoulder. They're like adding a new part to it. I just think we could do another turn. Like, just kind of like a jazz turn. You're so smart. Throw your shoulder. Trip loves challenge and she doesn't

know. He is so scared of his own self. I look at the audience and see how this is working at all. Because if this is not working, I'm about to go stab. Beef, you should roll for a performance check here. It's a four, but my performance is a four.

So it's an eight total? Oh, no, my performance is a five. So a nine total. Nine. Oh, that's not so bad. And it still stinks. Not great. So people are, like, you can tell, not into it

and are looking at each other like, wait, this song isn't about Joe? It's about another guy? It's about Chip? Who's Chip? I see that it's not going well, and I go up and I start spanking beef. Ouch, ouch.

Ooh, yum. Ouch. And you stand in silence as the music stops and you can hear a pin drop and it's a funeral and everyone's like, what the f*** is going on?

Sab and Chalice look over and notice because it is so quiet. And so now they're just watching. Whoa, what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off the little one, huh? Hey! What are you calling little?

Oh, no. It's okay. hey, hey. Get off the little one, huh? Hey. What are you calling little? Oh, no. It's okay. You, physically. I'm sorry. The speeches, the eulogies are going to start in a minute. Uh-huh. Yes. So everyone just get a drink, think about sad stuff,

wait for Karen to come here, and we'll be back with you in a second. Okay, guys. Who can do the saddest eulogy? Who has a genuinely sad story about Joe? I think I got one. You think? Yeah.

You got this. I believe in Chalice. I don't know about you guys. Oh, my God. Stop. What are you talking about? It's a friendship. What do you have against friendship, huh?

Cool, so Chalice takes the stage next to the open coffin and looks out into the silent and uncomfortable crowd. Hey everybody, thank you for coming. I'm aware that some of you probably didn't know Joe the way we know Joe. And honestly, I don't know if we got to know him as well as we could have. But I do know a few things. I do know that he would do the weirdest stuff with beef.

They would just eat stuff and throw up and then they would laugh and laugh for hours. Haha, yeah! I do know that he used to confide in Chip and the two of them would talk about life together. Haha, yeah! Him and my buddy Seb had a pretty good relationship. Normally Seb is driven crazy by all of our regulars, but...

I hate him, genuinely. Not Joe. He loved to talk to Joe. And not to make this too personal, but I have a very specific favorite memory of him. There was one day I was feeling a little sad. It was the anniversary of my mom's death. And he sat next to me at the bar and he just listened and he talked to me about his family and what he's lost. And it helped me a lot. And he

honestly reminded me a lot of my mom. He could make anyone feel special just by talking to them. And I'm really, really grateful I got to know him. And I'm really, really grateful that he chose Bottoms Up in us. To Joe. To Joe. Charles, can you do a performance check to see if your story moved the audience in a way that you intended? Ooh, 18. Ooh, not bad.

Okay. Oh, okay. Bonjour. Yeah, there's not a dry eye in the house. You really moved everyone. And although most of the people don't know Joe personally, they kind of feel like they do now. So you hear the equivalent of applause

after a good speech at a funeral, which is just sniffles and nods. Chip is so happy that people are sad now that he like turns and high fives everybody. Low five, low five, low five. Yeah, we're doing our money dance quietly. Yeah, we're like doing our money dance and high fiving. Just like as small as we can be, have one hand up,

one hand on the genitalia. Like itty-bitty money. Yeah, itty-bitty money. And then you notice out of the corner of your eye that actually Karen DeJack was in the back of the room and she heard Chalice's speech as well and she's

pretty emotional herself and she approaches Chalice as Chalice walks back down off the stage and goes that was really beautiful um is it too late for me to say my goodbyes and pay my respects oh no of course not i didn't know you were here i would have talked about how he was a piece of if i knew you were here no i mean there was a lot of good in him too so thank you no problem after seeing karen we dance even harder having officially checked every box check check check so she walks up to um the open coffin and she's standing in front of it

and then um chip you notice the executor from across the whole ceremony because it's still pretty quiet and um emotional intense he's mouthing to you, Chip, and you can read his lips and he's saying, flip the will over. Flip the will over. Wait, why is Willem back here? Didn't he already kill Joe? What? You're very turned around.

He's the executioner. No. Oh. Executor. Oh. Okay. It's French for death man. Got it. And I flipped the thing over. And as you see that the funeral demands go to the bottom of the front page,

and when you turn it over, there's one bullet point on the back of the will. Oh, fuck. Joe asks that Karen DeJack give him one final kiss on the lips to usher his soul to the next stage of existence. Oh my God. This guy's asking big asks. Big asks.

Ew. That's gross. Will, why didn't you freaking tell us this yesterday? I thought I did. I thought I did. I'm sorry. My God, I'm going to execute you now. Oh my God.

Guys, what do we do? What do we do? How do we make it? Just push her into him. Yeah, we can just get her to go. We can just go, eat it, eat it. And then just shove her face into it. Do you think that will count?

Let's just yell kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. I grab a glass and start tinking it. Tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink. She turns around like, what is happening?

Are people talking to me? And then she looks at you all and goes, what? You'll regret it if you don't give them one more kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. corpse. Are you trying to get everyone else to join in with you? Yeah, for sure. Is there anything that you do to try to get them to join in? I run up and down the aisles. We're doing that thing with our hands. Yeah.

We're at the sideline of a sporting event when you're raising your hand up high. Physically holding someone's arms up, trying to get them to do it, and like saying it really in their face. So everyone's pretty sauced from the open bar, so they're feeling pretty good. So everyone's chanting it.

Chip, why don't you roll with advantage since you've got the support of an entire room uh persuasion wise kiss the corpse kiss kiss the corpse 19 wow okay so she's like oh okay and she is feeling emotional and a little bit overwhelmed and probably knew deep down that this was something that Joe really wanted. So she leans in and as the crowd builds to a crescendo, she gently kisses Joe's lips. Yes. And then everyone cheers. I openly do the money dance now.

Openly. Oh, I grabbed my nuts too hard. Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. And she turns and starts to make her way off the stage when you hear the sounds dance now. Openly. Oh, I grabbed my nuts too hard. Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. And she turns and starts to make her way off the stage when you hear the sounds of magic. But they are the sounds of magic made by a dwarf's mouth.

Joe is making the magic noises himself. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you f***ing kidding me? Are you f***ing kidding me? Are you f***ing kidding me? No way. What? And Joe rubs the sleep from his eyes a little over dramatically. Like he's a sleepy baby?

Yeah. And he goes, oh, true love's kiss. No, Karen, you deserve so much better than this. Sorry. Spank him. Spank him. No, guys, he still might give us money. And Joe, he gets down on one knee and goes,

I made some mistakes, but having died and now come back to life from true love's kiss, I can honestly say I'm more in love with you than ever before. Would you make me the happiest man in the world? Aw. She's married, Joe. Karen goes, there's a silence, and she looks down, and she looks up at him, and she goes, you're f***ing

unbelievable. You're a weirdo. And she slaps him across the face, and she starts to just storm out, and everyone starts applauding and cheering. She goes, I'm a f***ing weirdo. Yeah. She goes, I can't believe you four and everyone starts applauding and cheering. Woo, yeah, go Karen. Go fucking U-Town.

Yeah. She goes, I can't believe you four dragged me here. I should have known better. I tried to say no, but God damn it. We didn't know. We didn't know. Oh, we didn't know. Come on.

Hey, do me a favor. Never fucking come back to my place. You mean 304 West Vale? Someone's gonna taking notes. Chalice, that was very creepy. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. That was so creepy.

Were you threatening to go stalk her? I don't know what my emotions are right now. There's this rollercoaster. Yeah. That was pretty cool, Chalice. Do you think we're still getting the money? Karen flinches at Chalice like a high school bully. Don't ever fucking come near my house or my family again.

Come on. Jeez. Okay. I think she's a little bit of a weirdo. And Joe walks up to you guys and is like, yeah, try being married to her for 15 years. No, Joe. No, no, no, Joe. You ruined... Karen storms off.

How many times have you tried this before? Well, successfully or unsuccessfully? I'll take either. I'd love to know the specific number for both. Unsuccessfully, this makes about a baker's dozen. Successfully successfully zero times all with Karen? all with Karen yeah

and she fell for it again this is kind of a shame on you she generally meant trying to win her back this is the first time I've thoroughly faked my own death this was a waste of our time well not unless we do we still get the money?

I do the money dance small as I'm asking. Many, many, many, many, many. Oh, of course. As soon as my family's treasure is, you know, passed on to me, then I shall pass on what I can to you. So here are a couple IOUs. One for each of you. Here you go. Chalice, here you go. Beef, here you go. a couple IOUs. One for each of you. Here you go.

Chalice, here you go. Beef, here you go. We all spank him. We all spank him. Yeah. I'm about to tan your little hide. All right, get over my knee. Come on.

Oh, oh, put me down. Beef, go outside and cut me a switch. I'm about to redden this bottom. He's not worth it. He's not worth it. Whap, whap. Whap. Whap. Whap. If you spank him too hard, it can create permanent damage.

You liar. I'm not complaining. You liar, doctor. Get the hell out of here. You're bad at your job. You're just as bad as him. You've been here this whole time. Joe goes, it's not his fault.

I took a special potion that would make me appear dead to even the most highly trained doctors. Yeah, well, he's not highly trained. You got more of that potion? I got about, let's see, I had a whole keg of it that I left right behind. Right behind the bar. And you guys look over and that just happened to be the keg

that you were handing out to everyone. And so one by one, they all just start hitting the bar, and you guys look over, and that just happened to be the keg that you were handing out to everyone. Oh, no. And so one by one, they all just start hitting the ground, looking completely dead. But they're okay. They're okay. Oh, they'll come to in about 16 hours.

Where are we going to put them in the meantime? Chalice just sighs and goes to the blanket closet and just starts talking all of them in one by one. Must be mumbling. Beef goes over to the sign at the front door and turns it from open, beautiful funeral in progress to close, no one come in, please. I'll leave a specific sign.

Can they all just be drinking at the bar now. Yeah. And Joe is somehow still there drinking. Yeah. And he goes, and Charles, I just want to say that it was a really lovely speech. I really, I did, it brought a tear to my eye. It was hard not to give myself away. I almost gave out a little sob there.

It was very sweet. I was touched. Yeah, I was gave out a little sob there. It was very sweet. I was touched. Yeah, I was really vulnerable in that moment, man. And I don't know if I'm going to forgive you for a while. I'm going to have to find someone else to open up to. Well, girl's got to eat. Nope. No.

No. No, Joe. It doesn't work that way, Joe. She's been drinking a little bit, and she sort of feeling like just a little bit more relaxed. She like reaches over to Chip and sort of playing with his hands, like start a handshake. All right. What if we started our friendship handshake by going like a up, down, hit? I'm sorry.

This does sound fun, but I actually have other plans tonight. And me and Beef, I grab Beef's hand. I grab Beef's hand. And I put him on my shoulder and we head out. And Beef turns around and goes, sorry, girl. Girl's got to eat. And then Cookie is waiting for you right outside and goes you guys ready Cookie gotta eat

hell yeah Cookie let's go as they leave Seb and Chalice look at each other and wink and clink their champagne together cause that was their plan the whole time to be able to have their buddy night that they had planned let's let them have a night yeah come on

but then they pass out because it turns out that they were drinking this potion. Alright, fine. You get the last word. Yeah, fine. Oh, I guess everybody else is DMing. Alright, I guess I'm going to have to sing. You guys are going to sing along with me. All right, guys. I'm going to have to sing. You guys are going to sing along with me.

When you need a break in this crazy world to fill a cup. Can you guys sing along with me? I'm waiting to get inspired. Yeah. I'm looking for a good point to jump in. And step by step we're growing. Pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous

On another happy day We're in different worlds And the good times are coming So cheers to all our family That's the most cursed audio Delete it! That's what we call in the biz Unlistenable

Hey everyone This week on the Patreon We have some D&D trivia Hosted by Waleed As you can probably guess We are a bunch of D&D experts So it goes really well Find this episode and more At patreon.com Slash sitcom D&D experts, so it goes really well. Find this episode and more at patreon.com

slash sitcom D&D. See you there! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed and I came up with the story concept, and Grace Harper

did the editing on this one. Um, I know it's already been mentioned, uh, in the bumper before, but check out our patron. If you haven't yet, um, we're releasing a bonus episode every week on there on Thursdays. And, um, you can kind of join the discord and join the chat that's been going on and it's been absolutely popping off lately. So come jump in on the fun. All all right i think that's it for now until next week and thanks as always for listening that was a hate gum podcast