SitcomD&D - S1 E17: Seb and Beef are Fighting

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

Beef and Seb hurt each other's feelings and start a fight of epic proportions. The fight is so big that a god has to show up and put a magical wall up between the two friends. Who's gunna feed Beef is Seb stops hiding him sandwiches? Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You got great coasters. They're cool coasters. I'm not going to lie. And now, if you were to make up names for the coasters, what names would those be? Well, they're from Crate and Barrel, so obviously their names are going to be... Oh, I didn't realize that the King of France was here. Oh, hello. Crate and Barrel. So obviously their names are going to be... Oh, I didn't realize that the King of France was here. Crate and Barrel.

Oh, hello, hello, Sun King. Hello. Thank you for taking some time off from Versailles. Yeah, that's... Yeah, there you go. Honestly, I just wanted to feel fancy and they're the only things I could afford. I was going to say your house is like cardboard

and everything's like all cardboard except for the coasters. Except for the coasters. Okay, so lights up. like all cardboard except for the coasters. Except for the coasters. Okay. So, lights up on another day in Bottoms Up. And just like an episode not too long ago, Chip

and Chalice, you're splitting your tips from the lunch shift. And we're going to pick up right there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're going to pick up right there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice. Dice.

Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horton. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, so my hot tip is drink a cup of water right when you wake up in the morning. What's your tip? Oh, that's good. So at lunch, one of the patrons gave me a tip that was like, hey, you know, you should really like tell the people that you love that you love them because you never know you know when you're gonna like die or whatever great i think we're caught up right yeah we split all of our tips patrons gave us so you can use that whenever you want to great and you can drink water in the morning if you want okay and just then just then you guys hear the sound of shattering glass again and you turn

around and seb and beef are once again shirtless sweaty and fighting wrestling super intensely hey you little rascal you get over here you piece of shit chalice runs over to the calendar and flips through it and goes, We're not even close. It hasn't been a year since the wrestling in the basement day. Chip, what's going on? Twas just the other week. Twas so recently, was it not?

Twas. Seb, Beef, what is the meaning of this? Give me your shirt. I'm playing for keeps. Give me your little shirt. I don't want to be involved. Let go of my shirt. Why am I getting roped into this?

You guys, you guys, come on. You're scaring customers away. If you're going to fight and wrestle or whatever, do it downstairs. What's going on? What's the deal? This asshole knows exactly what he did. And this little hack who used to be hot but then put on a few pounds and balded, knows exactly what he did. I wear my weight well. Chalice starts crying a little bit.

She feels a little helpless. She can tell that this is a serious fight. Guys, guys, this is getting personal. What the heck's going on? Out of nowhere, a magical wall appears, separating Seb and Beef. So there's now a magical wall in the middle of Bottoms Up, and on one side of it is Seb and Chalice, and on the other side is Chip and Beef.

Now, you can tell that it's a wall, but you have to look really close. It's almost like nothing's there, but when you go to try to touch each other, the other people on the other side of the wall, you can't. What did you do? Where'd all this glass come from? Probably from you.

From you, Seb, because you can never do anything right. Oh, yeah? Do, re, mi, fa, so. I can sing my scales without going flat like you, Seb, because you can never do anything right. Oh, yeah? Do re mi fa so. I can sing my scales without going flat like you, you hack. Oh! You know what? I get why your wife left you.

Oh! Oh! You e-moley! She is never... I put my mouth over Beef's... And I jump over it. I put my hand over Beef's mouth. Ever coming back. Wow.

Wow. If you were going to make it, it would have already happened by now. And maybe you should be looking at the work ethic that you have and how that has failed you time and time again. I'm glad this wall exists. I'm licking it. I'm licking it. This wall's my wall. Please don't lick my wall.

I can kind of feel it. That's weird. Don't lick my wall. What is that? Who is talking? It's me. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Gossrella, the god of friendship.

The god of friends. And this is my magical wall. And if you'd give me but a moment of your time, I'd love to explain it to you. You see the deity of friendship that is Gossrella. And he is a... Ieller. And he's a... I hear it. He's a portly gentleman and he's hovering about

a foot off the ground and kind of floating there. Dressed pretty regally and has a very happy face, like some rosy cheeks. Just looks like a good time guy who wants what's best for you and that's who you guys are looking at

and he does have the aura of a god it doesn't seem like he's bullshitting uh yeah what do you got I guess I have some time I have some free time on the docket are we all free to hear him out hi welcome to Bottoms Up

I mean if you don't want to hear about the wall that's separating your bar and your friends from your friends, I could leave. No, I want to hear about it. I'm glad it's separating me from this stinky toad. Oh, I'm gonna crack. No humping the wall. Don't lick it. Don't hump it. I can kind of feel it. It's weird.

You shouldn't have put it in front of Beef if you didn't want it to be humped. Or lick. Also, can I see an id yeah goss reller snaps his fingers and they're uh in the ether there just appears uh him a picture of his face with an arrow that says god pointing to it that he just conjured out of nothing oh okay so you're probably old enough can i get you something to drink that's what you were checking i thought you were seeing if i was a god no i knew you were god you're floaty and shiny and you're kind of ethereal and a little bit translucent no i know yeah i'm also i am also

old enough to drink you know so uh glad we cleared that up. And can I just say, before you explain, all of my chores and stuff I had to do today for work is on the side I can't get to. So I can't, I look, my hands are tied and behind this wall, look at all my stuff on the other side. I can't do it. No, you're cool, Chalice. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at that little freaking half of a lean.

I'm just going to calm it down real quick. The reason that I'm here is actually because of the intensity of your fight, right? That's the reason that I'm here. Let me actually back up and tell you a story of how this all kind of came to be. Once upon a time, thousands of years ago. Should I get a pillow? Crisscross applesauce, everybody. He snaps his fingers and everyone's got a pillow.

Yay! Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, there were two friends by the names of Laverne and Shirley. They were the best of friends and respective queens of adjacent kingdoms. But they had a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, and they declared war on each other. All because of a little misunderstanding, a miscommunication, and they declared war on each other. All because of a little misunderstanding, little miscommunication.

Hundreds and thousands would perish in the bloody wars of Laverne and Shirley. Oh, God. But shortly thereafter, a powerful deity, me, Goss Rller, the god of friends, stepped in and placed a magical curse upon the land. But, it's a good curse. Now hear me out. Curses are notoriously bad.

Okay, what's a good curse called? A charm? It's a charm, then. Yeah. I've been giving this speech for thousands of years, but I think I'm going to start calling it a charm from now on. Yeah, now I'm on board. I was like, years, but I think I'm going to start calling it a charm from now on. Yeah, now I'm on board. I was like, curse, that doesn't sound so good. Workshop your speeches.

Well, here's the thing. It could be a curse. Hear me out. What I'm giving you lot right now is the chance to save your friendship in the form of a magical game. I'm sure you two don't want to save your friendship right now. Am I right? No. Throw that little cat in a pond. That's all I'm going you two don't want to save your friendship right now. Am I right?

No. Throw that little cat in a pond. That's all I'm going to say. I'm glad I'd be at the bottom of the pond because I'd at least be away from your stinky... Oh my gosh. And that sounds great. Yeah, we're in agreement.

Getting away from each other sounds really good. That's how this usually starts. But see, that's why we made it a game. So that it gives you some time to cool off and reflect about your friendship and not get caught up in the heat of the moment. So here's how the game is going to work.

Are you ready? Okay. All four of you can play. For isn't it true that sometimes the people most fit to heal a friendship wound are not ourselves, but instead our other friends? Now isn't that true i want to see everyone nodding and holding their pillows nod i'm sitting on mine now the game itself will

last this long and he slams a giant hourglass on the table uh and the sand starts pouring oh whoa how long is that? It's about 50 minutes, depending on how long each part of this takes and how much you guys riff and tell jokes. You know, what's a good length for a typical podcast episode? You know, those things. What a fancy timer. You're going to need a bigger timer.

If at the end of the game, there are more green orbs in this wall than there are red orbs, your friendship will return and the wall will dissipate. But if there are more red orbs than green at the end of the game, the wall will remain between you two forever.

Any questions so far? Wait, red or good? Are lives good or are lives bad in this game there are no such thing as lives there's orbs there's red orbs and which kid are you pulling my chain no no i honestly thought that's what you said okay now the question i was potentially looking for is how do you get an orb? How do you get an orb? How do you get an orb? Yeah, don't answer mine.

That didn't pop to anyone's mind, huh? No, not at all. An individual will win an orb by winning a challenge that I set forth. Once an orb is won, it is colored by a memory. A handshap. Excuse me. You're drunk from that one drink we did. Did you fart or burp? Yeah, I'm drunk.

I'm the god of friends. I'm always a little buzzed. Uh-oh. What are we, not at a bar? Am I not amongst friends? He is a bitch. I don't know you. Did we ever check his ID? Yeah, we checked his ID.

B, if you think I'm bad at my job, I know I can do my job, okay? Okay, I trust you that you. Did we ever check his ID? Yeah, we checked his ID. Beef, you think I'm bad at my job? I know I can do my job, okay? Okay, I trust you that you did it. Once an orb is won, it is colored by a memory. A happy friendship memory about seven beef will color it green. A negative memory that is spoken about seven beef will color it red. spoken about seven beef will color it red and again it is up to the winner of said challenge to choose whether they say a happy or negative memory about those two now are you ready for your first challenge okay i do actually have another question what is it my man give me some so we just

need to leave me hanging oh sorry here's a high five for you. I apologize. No, a low one. Okay, and here's a low one for you. Now kiss the wall again. Oh, I wasn't doing that before, but I guess I could. Oh, I felt it. Now, what were you asking? Yes.

So we just need to have more greens than reds, correct? And when the time runs out, that means if there's more greens than reds, the wall will dissipate and your friendship will return. Well, you better believe I want that wall mostly red up there because I don't want to see Seb anymore. You want there to be a wall in the bar forever? And then Chip and I won't get to see each other ever again, which is fine. Plus, I'm on the side with the door to the exterior

and you guys would be trapped inside which is fine. Plus, I'm on the side with the door to the exterior, and you guys are trapped, would be trapped inside the whole time. Oh, shit! Well, it sounds like you're ready for the first challenge. So, here we are. This one starts off pretty simple. Push-up contest.

Whoever can do the most push-ups wins this challenge and gets to color the orb. Of course, a classic friendship activity. Now, everyone roll a d20 and add your strength modifier. Non-natural 20. Are you fucking kidding me? Six. I'm freaking big arms big boy. No, I'm mad at me. I'm mad at myself. What'd you get, Beef? Six. I'm freaking big arms big boy. No, I'm mad at me.

I'm mad at myself. What'd you get, Beef? I got one. Did you roll a natural one? No, I rolled a two, but my strength is a negative one. Oh, when you were trying to do your first pushup, you squeezed a little fart out that might have had some poop on it. And then you

fell to your belly button to the floor. And Chip, you, uh, long after everyone was done, actually Seb hung in there with you for a pretty long time, but then instead of just doing one more to win it, you did five more to

show that you could afterwards. And you, you win the game here is your orb you get handed an orb and it is see-through right now say your memory color the orb gotcha also full disclosure i'm gonna try and fill the entire hour with one story so that we green orb. Yes! Hilarious. Oh my god. Do you guys remember? This is way way back in the olden days before Chalice. Sorry, Chalice.

BC. BC before Chalice. BC. This is bottoms up BC and we happened upon a pregnant kitten. That's right. Not a pregnant cat, a pregnant kitten. The kitten was pregnant.

So you come in running. It's stuck in your mouth. Okay. Because you tried to eat it. Look at you. You got a little smile. Seb runs up to you and yanks it out of you. That's right, you little.

Basically saving your life. Seb. Seb.'s right. You little basically saving your life. Seb. Seb. All right. No bar. No barking. But we all know where this leads, where which is to barking, of course, because the cat gives birth to a full pack of wild wolves. This is incredible.

You were there, Seb. Oh, oh yeah yeah no i was there i'm just being i haven't thought about this and i mean since before chalice since the bc and that's when we sold all those wolves for must have been a thousand gold each or something like that it was nuts and then we spent it all on a on a wild party with just the three of us. And do you remember what happened that night? He really is trying to take an hour with this man. I'm just riffing at this point, trying to fill the time. All right. Do you remember what happened that night?

Let's see. The orbs slowly at first and then more apparently turns bright green. Yeah, you guys started dancing that night. It was going crazy, and we were having drinks, and it was a fun party. And then we met a couple. Who did we meet? We met.

The orb levitates out of your hand. I try to hold on to it. That was a really good time. Yeah, that was pretty nice, but doesn't change the reality. So, one green orb. If the sand were to run out now, then your friendship would be restored. Would that sound good to you? Yeah.

Yeah, that tastes like poop. That's why the sand hasn't run out yet. And just to make it clear, there is a chance that you know, it does end up mostly red, and the wall will remain between you two forever.

But that doesn't mean that it's only here. It would mean that wherever you two go, and you try to connect in the future, here It would mean that wherever you two go And you try to connect in the future A wall would appear And you wouldn't be able You guys really want to do that? That's crazy On to the next challenge

Wait, what happened between you two? Are we gonna know? I said what I said What'd you say? And I said that that little freak squandered its talent and is not going anywhere out of here and is scaring customers when he promised that he was going to be bringing them in. Oh, you hear that?

Quit making baby noises at me. Oh, you hear that? That's the tiniest violin playing. My heart bleeds for you, you dumb. That is a pretty tiny violin. I've actually never seen one that small. Exactly. It's tiny as hell, and it plays a tiny little sorrow song for a sorrow-filled man.

That's you. I'm sorry. I only listen to regular-sized instruments, okay? So I didn't even hear it. Hey, guys, can we listen to the god in the room for a second? There's a lot of challenges to go. We've gotten through one so far. Wait, was that directed at me?

Are you licking the wall? I'm licking the wall. That feels nice. All right, here's the next challenge. It's the build a sentence game. So one person will say a word. Then the next person will add a word either at the beginning or the end of that sentence. And it's a memory game. The first one to screw up the sentence and say a word wrong from before

loses. Last person standing wins the challenge. Chip, why don't you start as the former champion? As the former champion, the first word is A. And then Seb. Okay okay here's the order it goes chip seb chalice beef that's the order okay okay a ball my word A ball bounced big. A ball bounced big up. A ball bounced big up and. A ball bounced big up and down. A ball bounced big up and down way. A ball bounced big up and down way too.

A ball bounced big up and down way too... A ball bounced big up and down way too often. A ball bounced... Oh. A ball bounced... Oh, no. Chalice, your nose is bleeding. Disqualified. Chalice.

I know. Chalice. I... Oh, Godqualified Chalice? I know Chalice I Oh god Okay, now Beef, you try Oh Well, Chalice really threw off

That's what makes it hard A big A bounce A ball Nah Fuck Out Chip

You gotta try now A ball bounce Big Up and down Fuck. Out. Chip, you got to try now. A ball bounce big up and down way too far? It was often. Often. Shit. So Seb is the champion of that. Yes.

I'm glad that all three of you failed at the same time because I'm worried that that was unlistenable. Seb, an orb appears in your hand and it doesn't have a color in it. Say something good. Say something good. All right. So I'm thinking about that one time that I woke up and beef was trying to bake me into a pie. For a joke.

It turns bright red in your hand, levitates out of your hand, and gets flung into the wall. Gets sucked right in. Don't you recall that was for a surprise party, though? It was like being baked into a cake. It was on my birthday. It was my birthday.

And I hope I roasted your ass. I wish I did. All right, time for the next challenge. And the next challenge is a little bit of trivia. And it's a simple question. What kingdom are we in? Beef. Beef, did you beep?

I beeped. Okay. I beeped. Well, you went, and I beeped. It looks like I won. Okay, just say it. Just say it. Syndication.

That's incorrect. What? Beep, beep. Chalice. Frasier. That is correct. Oh, I got one. That was what I wanted to say.

Nice job, Chalice. An orb appears in Chalice's hand. I want to talk about a pleasant memory between Seb and Beef, which is when you guys got that chick and that duck, and then you raised them for years and years. And then the chick and the duck got stuck in your foosball table. It was pure green, and then it started tinging red when you said that part. Oh, but you got the chick and the duck out and it was a symbol of your friendship and your love for each other.

It goes bright green again, levitates. And then Chalice gives it a little kiss and then it levitates out of her hand. And it gets sucked right up into the wall. Excellent. Okay, now we have two green to one red. And we're ready for the next challenge, which is dramatic monologues. That's right. Oh, wow.

Each person will have only 20 seconds to give their best dramatic monologue. Who would like to start? I'll be the judge, by theologue. Who would like to start? I'll be the judge, by the way. Um, I would like to start. Okay, Chalice, you're on the clock. Mama. Mama, how could you? You told me that if I got a job and I moved out of the house,

then you would consider me a grown-up mama and stop meddling in my life. What, do you want my life now, Mom? Do you want my life? Get away from me. And time. Time. Wow.

Excellent. Oh, my God. That was beautiful. Full-bodied chills. Oh, my God, thank you. Charles, why don't you roll a d20 and why don't you add your performance modifier and let me know what you got. In the meantime.

Oh, natural 20. Natural 20. That's hilarious. That's going to be hard to beat. I'll go ahead. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.

It's Seb. It's Seb talking. It's Seb right now. And Seb, you're on the clock. Oh, my God. We were just boys at war. We were just gentlemen. We didn't know that there were women and children in that village.

We had no idea that when we rained hail fire, we thought it was dragon eggs. We thought it was a village of dragon eggs. Time. Oh, I blacked out. What? Was that good? I wish I would have blacked out. Why don't you roll a performance check? Come on, we're amongst

friends, aren't we? You're drunk, right? Am I the only one? I've honestly been drinking a little bit. I'm getting a little f*** drunk right now. So I rolled a three and I subtract one from that for my performance modifier. So I got a two. Yeah, felt that coming.

Okay. From my way. Whatever. I'm calling on Chip. Chip, you're up. Yeah. And you're on the clock. Oh.

Oh. Peanuts. Get your peanuts. I was like, how much? Okay, it's going to be $4.50. Transaction scene. Not great. You don't even change.

You don't even change. Well, you can't get it then. You can't get no peanuts. And time. Don't even bother rolling. Moving on to beef. You can't get no peanuts. And time. Don't even bother rolling. Moving on to beef. You're on the clock. I've been dead for

ten years. No, I haven't. You thought. I'm here now to claim the throne. I've clawed my way out of the dirt because you put me in the ground. You coward. And that's time.

Gripping. Am I still here? One, two, three. I'm still here. Oh my God, Beef, was that you? That was amazing. That was you? You were lost.

Yeah. Yeah, no way that was you. That was too good. Why don't you roll a d20 and add your performance modifier? Okay, 17 plus five. A 22. Wow, okay.

I've thought about it long and hard and the most gripping, emotionally resonant performance goes to Beef. An orb appears in Beef's hand. So Beef, your turn to fill it up with a memory. I take a little bow and I grab the orb.

I would like to fill this orb with a memory of a friend scorned. I would like to go to this morning when Sep forgot to hide my weekly sandwich. So I haven't eaten today and my low blood sugar is low.

The orb turns red, levitates out of your hand and gets sucked right into the wall. I have to ask because I feel like this is something I should have known from the past. Is that a sandwich that you eat all week long? Is that why it's your weekly sandwich or do you only get it on Tuesdays or something? I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. I'm getting what's going on here. Time for the next challenge, which is the balance game. Players will hold a lever with a flat surface or one end and stack a series of dishes on it, balancing them precariously.

The last person with an untoppled tower of china wins. I use these snaps as fingers and there's a bunch of dishes. Very cool. You have a lot of powers. Life's pretty convenient when you're a f***ing god. I can do anything! Wow! Can you give us some cotton candy, too? Snaps gives you cotton candy. Everyone's gotten cotton candy.

And then he snaps his fingers again, and he's like, God giveth, God taketh away. We're in challenge mode. That's fine. I didn't want it. I didn't even want it. Okay, everyone roll a d20 to see how good you are at balancing dishes. What do we think this is? Athletics?

Dexterity. Acrobatics. Maybe dexterity. Acrobatics. Acrobatics. Acrobatics makes the most sense. Oh, shit. 14.

I got a natural 20. Oh, jeez. Damn. Plus four acrobatics. Whoa. Your little guy is spry. And I got a 17. So I'm beat. I got a 17 so i i'm beat i got a 21 cool beef wins it again everyone's

china comes crashing to the ground shattering in a bunch of pieces and an orb appears in beef's hand i'd like to fill this memory with a friend scorned i I already said that one. Boo. Original. Yeah, but if you did that one, you gotta do a different one. The one about my sandwich? Yeah, you did that. It was the last one you just did. Freak on a stick. Oh, remember when he left you behind at the gas station? He did leave me behind

at the gas station. You guys drove off, Chip, with Seb in his arms. You left us. You left us. You left me. Remember? I had to go into the woods and make a home for the night. And you know how triggering that is for me.

The orb turns bright red, levitates out of Beef's hands, gets sucked into the wall. Chip, why did you do that? Aren't you on my side? Aren't you trying to make me scream? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help Beef have a memory. Great. Well, why did you do that? Aren't you on my side? Aren't you trying to make me green? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help have a memory. Great. Well, now you know what?

Maybe we'll never see each other ever again. How about that? No, this is just a Seb and Beef wall. This is just a Seb and Beef wall. Maybe it'll be a Chip and Chalice wall. No, I don't think so. Chip, we don't need Seb and Chalice. It's you and me, the old duo.

Duo. That's right. Yeah. You and I can hang out like they hang out sometimes secretly without us. You know what? You're still mad about that? Time for the next challenge, which is Juiciest Secret. You all tell a secret very quickly, and I will decide whose is the best and the juiciest.

Somebody lick the wall. Oh, it tastes sour this time. You can change the flavor of the wall? Yeah, real weirdo. Also, is the wall attached to your body? Is it simulating your nipples or something? Is this part of you? I hope not. Chip, what do you want the wall you're attached to your body, is it simulating your nipples or something? Oh, my God. Is this part of you?

I hope not. Chip, what do you want the wall to taste like? Well, I guess I want it to taste like comfort and love and just a little hug. Go on, give it a lick. Oh, my God. Yep, that's armpit. Got your ass.

Fuck, it tastes like armpit. Damn. You fell for it, man. This guy's drunk, but I kind of like it when he's drunk. He's cool when he's drunk. Let me tell you something. When you're a god of friends, you're always drunk with power, baby. But I hope we're all having a

good time, because this is my purpose. Now, Juicy A Secret. Let's hear them. Starting with Seb. A few years ago, I went on a sort of rump springer type thing, but instead of just experiencing other cultures

and other things like that, I went on a pilgrimage of violence. I drowned a pirate in a sink, and I've never talked about that until this day. Not bad. That's some good juice.

Jealous? When I was a little bit younger, when I was a teen, I used to sneak out of the palace and put on four people clothes, and I was an apprentice to a blacksmith for like a year, and he had no idea. Excellent. That's some good 100% concentrate juice. Now, Beef. When I was a teenager,

I used to dress up in poor people clothes and go and be an apprentice for the blacksmith. Oh my God, I knew I knew you. Oh my God, that's so, oh my God. Oh my God, you were just a little guy. Yes, are you Chalice Reese? Yeah, uh-huh. Oh my God, oh my God.

Your work is fantastic. This is so funny. Beef was like my work buddy. We used to crack each other up. This is crazy, this is crazy. I just like didn't recognize you with them. Wow, hi. Hi. Yeah.

How are you? So based on this story, you would dress up in poor people clothes. Chalice, that makes sense. You had a different name. Beef, this just sounds like a job you had. Yeah, I think I was working there. Because your name was Beef.

You were always raised by pigs and wore poor people clothes. I don't know if it was a secret, but we'll move right along. Chip. I kind of don't want to say mine. You have to. Oh, come on. Chip, are you still trying to sabotage this?

What's the worst it could be? I used to dress up like a blacksmith and run a blacksmith shop. No. Well, now I feel left out because mine was a rump springer of violence. like a blacksmith and run a blacksmith shop. No. Well, now I feel left out because mine was a rumspringer of violence. And that's why you get Juiciest Secret.

Wait, I got juiciest secret? You do. But all of ours were connected in a fun way. Something that maybe we can visit later as all of us when we're teens? Come on, man. Actually, you're right. You're right. I take it back.

I take it back. No, you can. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I do this. I'm drunk. I can do it all day long. This guy's persuadable. I'm a god.

I'm persuadable. Chip, good rule of threes. An orb appears in Chip's hand. Thank you. A couple days ago, I, um, embarrassingly,

I pooed my pants. Okay? Yeah. I pooed my pants, and I know that that's a thing that Beef often does, but it's embarrassing when somebody other than beef actually does it. And well, seven beef, they grabbed each other's hands and they made a little ring around the rosy right around my stinky little pants. And they, they dance and they sang to hide the smell and hide the sounds that was being

made for my rear end. I guess I do remember that memory. It was actually kind of fun. It was a pretty good time. It smelled awful. The orb turns green, makes a fart noise, and gets sucked into the wall. But that doesn't change

anything. So the next challenge then is... I just want to say, hey, Chalice, that was a joke. I didn't actually poop my pants. I feel like the wall wouldn't take it if it was a joke. The next challenge is accuracy. Choose your own weapon and throw or shoot as best as you can at the target.

Closest to the bullseye wins. Easy. What's the target. Closest to the bullseye wins. Easy. What's the target? He snaps his fingers. Targets appear in front of you guys about 20 yards out. Beef isn't wearing it.

Beef's also wearing a target. But that's just how Beef came into this episode. Yeah. I'm glad that we asked. Okay. I'm gonna throw a mace at it. So it would have to be like a throwing axes or daggers or a spear.

Okay. I don't even have a mace. I don't know why I picked that one. Oh, wow. So the truth comes out, Seb, huh? Oh, okay. All right. You're lying over there because you're a liar.

You've never told a fib before. You've never fibbed in your fibbing life. Me? A fib? Like a devil. All right. You're lying over there because you're a liar. You've never told a fib before. You've never fibbed in your fibbing life. Me? A fib? A fibble? All right. So everyone pick your weapon, whatever you want to do, and then you're going to throw it at your target.

So everyone just roll a D20, and you're going to add your weapon modifier to whatever weapon you chose. 13. Not my best. 14. Not my best. I rolled an 18. Cool.

Cool. 13. Beef, an orb 14, not my best. I rolled an 18. Cool, cool. 13. Beef, an orb shows up in your hand. Oh, ooh, sunny boy. Hit the bullseye, little moonwalk. Yeah. Take that, Seb. I'm humping in your general direction.

How's that feel? Hump closer to the wall. Do you feel it when somebody h to the wall. Do you feel it when somebody humps the wall? Yes. Is that not established? I think the wall

is his nipples. If you guys look at it at the right angle, like the sheen comes off it and it looks like the texture of nipple. Ew.

All right, Beef. Fill up that orb. Last night, you didn't come in to tuck me into sleep. Oh my God. You never read me in my bedtime story. And so I had to lay there and go to sleep into dreamland alone.

And you know how much that scares me? And you weren't there. Beef, you were asleep for this. And I don't want to ruin your memory, but. What? You were twitching in your sleep right after you fell asleep. And Seb actually did come in. and he started stroking your hair, and he did read to you.

I know you were asleep for it. But if I'm not mistaken, after he read, he did a little soft kiss on the top of your little head. Yeah, he tasted like cigarettes. Seb, thank you. Seb, what did beef actually taste like? Like the sweetest little honeysuckle in the beginning of a spring.

The beginning of a spring when the honeysuckles start coming out. You don't mean that. The orb levitates up, explodes green, gets sucked into the wall. No! Good job, Chip! It is four to three right now.

That just moved it one further for green. So it's four to three green. Yeah. I never lose. Time for the next challenge and another drink for me. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Yeah, I feel alive. Now, this challenge is called Rhyme Time.

That means someone's's gonna say a word And the next person has to rhyme with it And the first person who can't come up with one Loses and it's the last person standing Easy The rhyme will reset after someone gets out Every time Chalice you can start

Orange I'll go next Dorange Chip you can go next I'll go next. Dorange. Chip, you can go next. I'll go next. Sorange. I don't know.

Kick him out. Kick his legs. Kick his shins. Horny, drunk God. What do you think? I wasn't paying attention. Who lost? Who won?

I won. Okay. All right. I guess a chalice of an orb appears won. Okay. All right. I guess a chalice, an orb appears in your hand. Holy shit, that worked. This guy is... I told you I'm persuadable. We're going to have to get him home. This guy is persuadable.

This is a liability, all right? We don't need Anthony back. Yeah, I'm a little concerned that this god is here to begin with like he he could have just let time kind of work this problem out and he chose to into our problems i have a good memory of you too remember when beef had that blind date and he was afraid that she wasn't going to show. And he packed that picnic on top of the hill. And we watched the sun get lower and lower in the sky and she didn't show up. And then I saw Seb grab a bottle of champagne and he walked up to the top of the hill

and he gave Beef a hug and then they had a picnic and they were laughing and eating their picnic. And then they came home really late at night and they had all sorts of inside jokes that we didn't get and then they gave each other a really big hug before bed and seb said thanks for the great date buddy and beef said the pleasure was all mine and then you guys went to bed yes but seven beef what happened that night don't you? Don't ruin my good memory. You're the god of friends, not friends, you jerk. Do you guys remember what happened? It was bad.

It was bad. Yeah, no, I actually kind of do remember it. I woke up to Little Ass Beef. Sorry, I don't even want to call you that, little ass hot dog standing on my chest doing little yo-yo tricks going, Hey, have you seen this? Have you seen this? And the thread was so bare on the yo-yo, it fell off, hit me square in the noggin, and I couldn't do arithmetic for a week. The orb turns red and gets sucked into the wall. First of all, are you kidding me, sir?

Second of all, how did you know that? How long have you been watching us? You pervert. I got a lampshade on my head. It's a party now. And it's even. That's where I like it to be. Write it down with the wire,

because there's only a few grains of sand left and it's four to four. Can I see your idea again? Sure. He snaps his fingers and it's everything spelled wrong. It's just gibberish. And there's an arrow pointing to his butt. I'm a little worried that you are underage,

frankly. It's four to four, four to four. Four to four. And this is the last one. Four green, four red. The wall could be here forever. And the category is... An award goes to... I think I won

this one. I think... Oh, weird. I think I actually just won this one. No, no, no. I'm not that f***ed up. This one is best original song. And we're going to start with Chappas. Which one is that? Chippas.

I think he's looking at you, Chappas. I think he's trying to look at you. His eyes are so crossed right now. Somehow he's looking at all four of us. I want the person to sing who has the name Seba Hoy. Okay, you, big guy. That's who I'm talking about. You go first.

Oh, okay. I mean, I don't usually write songs. I guess I have this stupid poem that I've been working on that I could sing. Right in front of you The love of your life was right in front of you And you didn't even know he was your best friend

He was your best friend And you never even knew Beef Tit kind of sidesteps away from chip yeah I'm gonna cut this one off for the heels once again don't even bother rolling don't even bother

I'll roll for you don't worry alright alright oh don't say it don't tell me no I know what it is I got a nat 20 I knew it Oh, don't say it. Don't tell me. No, I know what it is. No, don't tell me. I got a nat 20. I knew it.

Oh, good lord. Your computer only gives you nat 20s. It's crazy. I haven't rolled well all day. That was my only good roll. So your song was absolutely amazing, but Goss Reller has built up such a disdain for your performances that he was like he's near blackout anyways he was like tuning you out wasn't really paying attention but everyone in the room

knows that was perfect just streams of tears on my i look over yeah i look over at chalice and see what her reaction is uh she's like looking down at her hands, like picking at her nails, not listening. Damn. Sorry, bro. Chalice, you're up. No, it's not a myth. I'm an intern for a blacksmith. I hang out with my friends.

Beep and skip to the very end. We use hammers and we use some heat. The worst part of job is I'm always on my feet. I'm a blacksmith with two of my friends i'm actually rich but i'm dressed real poor and you look over and goss reller's full-on asleep laying on the bar and he just snores himself awake and he goes oh and then so roll a die chalice to see how good that was 13 okay great you cyber cyber blah all right it was a violent rumspringer rumspringer and they were fighting

we're on a beach and routines in our oh no it's a pirate we're swash on a beach and we're teens and we're, oh no, it's a pirate. We're swashbucklers and we're friends, but not to that man, because he's not our friend because he's on a rump springer. Pain. He rolls off the bar and falls in the ground and startles himself again. Okay, I mean... Seb, you go. I just did.

Right, yeah, right, all right. Oh, I heard it, I heard it. What'd you roll? I mean, I don't even think it really matters. I did it at 14. Yeah, right, right. Okay. Beef, beef.

Get ready to never be friends again, Seb. My song's going to blow out of the water. Goss Reller rolls over to pass back out again. What do I see with my eyes? What do I see with my mind? What do I see with my mind? I see my friend Chip across the way, my friend Chalice. And then my enemy, my enemy Seb.

Seb is the enemy, tall and good, bad and war wrong. He's bad bad those my eyes with my mind squab that was basically my song uh that was insane nice try yeah uh beef uh roll roll to see how it was 17 so uh he goes um that's not the only one i heard i heard everybody sing all right but that was the best that was the best i give it to be what well it was nice knowing you chip and beef i guess yeah that's. An orb appears in Beef's hand. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Say say sayonara everyone because you're going to be all you're going to be. There's only a few

grains of sand left. Alone. Alone. Hey guys, I just wanted to say before Beef has a terrible memory about him and Seb that I really liked being a four with you guys, and I'm going to miss it. Yeah, I think without you guys,

I'll probably just split up kind of on my own and kind of do my own thing. That's fine, yeah. Well, you don't want to stick around and hang out with me, Chip, right? Chip and Beef, Beef and Chip. No, because I might just be worried that you're just going to do to me what you just are about to do to Seb. Yeah, same. Eventually he will.

You know, it's not all bad, right? Well, actually, I do have something I want to say. Fill it with a memory. Fill it with a memory. I have one last memory. Is everyone else's faces me? No one else is drinking. You guys are drunk.

It's like 8 a.m. I've been drinking a little bit. I definitely was drinking a little bit. It's the last memory. Sounds like the wall is going to be here forever. What is it? Well, my last memory is that I thought that my friend wasn't there for me when he has been all the time. And I've just been, I don't know, wrapped up in my own ego to see that he is a good friend.

He might not be able to love me the way I think I'm supposed to be loved. He's loving me the way I want to be, that I should be loved. And I don't know. Thanks for being a friend. The orb in Beef's hand was tinting red and then turns green. Greener, greener. The greenest orb you've ever seen. And then it gets sucked up into the wall just as the last grain of sand falls out of,

what are those things called? Hourglass? Sand. Thank you. Like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our beef thank you and uh you are deluged

in a golden shower of warm light the wall dissipates and you guys can touch each other again chalice runs and jumps into chip's arms and grabs little beef too and scoops him up

are we going for a drive? I think it's appropriate let me get on that shoulder is there room for one more? you need to get home we should drive him home I'm a guy everywhere

everywhere is my home. Everywhere is my home. I'm a god. Give us your keys. You're not driving. Give us your keys. I want to say one quick thing. Seb, you know, I think J.R. could be coming back.

Thanks. I didn't mean when I said that there was a reason why she left you and she was never coming back i don't think that you're completely wrong but um i don't even think that we have to dissect all of that here today and i don't mean what i said about you and your work ethic and how you're kind of your ship has sailed and like if it was gonna happen it was like it would have happened and like how like physically i don't like you and how you smell that all that to say i think you're a really good friend to me and if you do nothing else in this world that's enough for me and i'm gonna keep tucking you in i'm gonna keep loving you forever and ever because you're my beef. You ain't no hot dog.

You ain't no corn dog. You're my wet, hot, sticky beef. The God threw up in the backseat. Okay. And I need to tell you guys that I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you insignificant pawns in a game that I'm playing. Honestly, we don't really care

about you and your opinions. Did you call us that? I missed it. That's mean. Did I just say that in my... I must have just said that in my head. But I'm sorry I thoughted it. Oh my god, what did you eat? This is just beans. This is like so many beans.

I'm gonna bring up the wall, but not between anybody, and I just want everybody to rub it if they want. No, we're not going to rub it. We know what that is. We know what your nipple is. We know what your nipple is. Run, Chip, run. I'm running.

I'm running. I'm running. We don't have his address. We don't have his address. I think that's it for now. Until next week, keeping it short and sweet. Thanks as always for listening.