SitcomD&D - S1 E18: True Love's Kiss...ing Booth (w/ Hailey Palmer)

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

A witch (Hailey Palmer) from Chalice's past returns to collect what's promised to her... Chalice's soul *lightning* *thunder*. Luckily true love's kiss can save the day, and with that in mind, the crew decides to go for quantity over quality. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by: Erin Keif Link to Tony Belsito's EP: Sincerely, Link to Chas Lilly's of Ersatz Records Twitter Profile. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast hayley i don't think we ever were in classes together i think i heard tell of you that you there was like this really good person in the other especially because there were like nine women of course and like all the levels you hear of, there's another woman. There's another woman. There's another woman. And nine rings were given to women, the fairest of them all. Haley and I heard your name whispered in the wind. I'm gonna be honest,

I did not know about Elizabeth until our graduation shows. Had not heard of you, never saw you, didn't know you existed. And 300 rings were given to men it is a typical day at bottoms up and the four of you are playing the game that you like to play at bottoms up when it's game night that that if I said the name right now, I would lose.

Uh, and that's where we're going to pick up today. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice. Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world,

see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peep at the noble bottoms up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef.

Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horton. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. 15, 14, 13. 13, 11, 11. Run! Wait, did you bury it?

Did you bury it? It's buried. It's buried. But there's frost. There's frost in the soil. Oh, no. Okay. Get out the ice pick. No, I told you.

No, the season wheel, the arrow is pointing to summer, which means that it's unfrosted right now. Technical foul. Technical foul. 13. All right. That means beef. Seb, you got to take a shot.

Okay. All right. Of piss. Of piss. Yeah, yeah. I know. We know, Jennifer. Yeah, you gotta take a shot. Okay, alright. Of piss. Of piss. Yeah, yeah, I know. We know, Jennifer. Yeah, we know. Jennifer, you're a real stickler for the rules in this game, and I really respect that.

Yeah, you gotta keep them honest. And in that moment, a big flash of lightning, you hear thunder outside, and you thought it was a pretty nice day before this, so that's kind of odd and the fireplace a huge ball of fire just envelops the fireplace and as it dissipates out walks and hayley would you mind describing your character absolutely so um this is a tiny, tiny, short little witch. And she looks really young, but she's really old.

How tiny? Oh, we're talking two and a half, three feet. Oh, okay. I love her. She's got like a kind of a burlap little witch robe, but it's a little sparkly. Just a little bit. Oh. Okay. witch robe, but it's a little sparkly. Just a little bit. Something jazz.

The fire dissipates and outwalks this tiny witch. Whoa, what the heck? Is this part of the game? Is this part of the game? I didn't see these in the instructions. No, this is not part of the game. If you have to ask, you gotta take a shot.

Farge. Of piss. I know. Yeah, what's your deal? Are you playing or not? I am playing a game of sorts, I guess, but it's just a game for me. I'm here. Oh, my name?

I'm Tangerine. My name is Tangerine. Oh, Tangerine, okay. It's Tangerine, pro-tumbrance. Tangerine Oh Tangerine okay It's Tangerine Protumberance Tangerine Rotumberance Protumberance

Protumberance How do I know that name? Well try to remember Chalice Glass Did you teach me to swim? I tried to, but you were hopeless. Wait, Chalice, how do you know this little witch?

Sorry, remind me. Well, if you don't remember me, you should at least remember the day that it is today, the 10th minute of the full moon of your birth month, of your 80th year. Oh, it's your birth month? You're 80?

Yeah, of course. That's young for now. You're right. I'm so sorry. Yeah, are you here to give me a birthday present? That's so nice. I'm here to collect what has been promised to me from your father

At your birth I'm here to collect your soul Lightning, thunder, lightning, thunder Did you do the lightning and thunder or was that a coincidence? Oh, you know what? It was really rainy on my walk over And I was like, this is perfect But I did, I did like, I would say 50-50

I did a little So to confirm, you walked over here. You walked over here. Then jumped in. When I'm stressed, I like to walk. I like to get another soul. Oh my god, you guys.

I totally forgot about this. This is real? This isn't part of the game? No, I forgot. I forgot. She's going to take my soul. Oh, no, God. This is real? This isn't part of the game? No, no, no. I forgot. I forgot. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, she's going to take my soul. This is the thing. It's a weird thing my dad did when I was born to try to get out of some trouble. Oh, God. Oh, gosh. No. Shoot. I meant to write this down, and I was like, I'm going to remember.

I'm going to remember, and I forgot. No, Chalice, Chalice, I got this. I got this. I got this. Actually, this isn't Chalice you are a simple man you are a very simple man damn she read your ass so fast chip that was embarrassing that that was really that was damn chip sit back down boy my god chip sits back down. Wait, so what's the story? Why does, Jealous, why do you owe your soul to this witch? Well, many, many years ago, before you were even born,

your father got himself into a little pickle. He gambled away all of the people, his people's food stores for the winter. all of the people, his people's, food stores for the winter. And he had nothing left to feed them and the deaths of hundreds, thousands would have been on his hands, if not for me giving him some food in exchange for one little thing.

What was it? What was it? What was it? Yeah, what was it? The soul of his firstborn daughter. That's you, Chalice. Yeah, yeah, my dad's kind of a dick. Well, what the heck? Isn't there anything that we can do? Jeepers, crow.

You know what? There's one rule. All witches have it. I don't like it, but it's true. If you get true love's first kiss, I guess, then it breaks anything. Oh. Oh.

Okay, yeah. So I'm going to die in like 24 hours from now. Yeah, sounds like it. If I don't get true love's first kiss. No, that's cool. No, that's awesome. I fucking love my family. Thank you, Dad.

God damn it. I mean, it's worth. I mean, you could try and kiss somebody. Tangerine. Tangerine blender pop. What's the timeline? Is it midnight? Is it tomorrow? I guess that's the same thing.

Is that what it is? I'm guessing you don't do super well in school. Is that true? I'm smarter than Chip. That's for f***ing sure. No, you're not. No, you're not. Okay, this isn't helping. We need to figure this out, alright? Yeah, Clementine need to figure this out, all right?

Yeah, Clementine Pepperdine. What's your name? Tangerine. Tangerine Protumbrance. Tangerine. How many minutes do I have? What's going on? It's going to be midnight.

That's how long you have. Hold on. Proprietor here, Seb. I got an idea. What if we... I mean, it's true love's kiss. What if we tried our hardest to just get as many kisses? We just poured a bucket, we just threw, instead of throwing individual pieces of spaghetti at the wall,

we just dumped the bucket on the wall to see what sticks. But Seb, I think this is, Seb, this is quality over quantity. Yeah, but we need... Oh, Jennifer, that's very sweet of you to try to jump and kiss me. It's really sweet. Pick me up, Jennifer. But this is also an opportunity. We can find True Love's kiss. A kissing booth!

A kissing booth. That's perfect. No, you don't want to do a kissing booth. Yeah, we'll get all the most handsome, eligible Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot bachelors To come through the door This is perfect And then they come in and you can give them a drink special, Seb

And then it's going to be a great date We'll figure it out I'm going to make the love of my life I'm going to make the love of my life Yes! No, no, no It's a bad idea Yes!

No, that's It's a bad idea That It's a bad idea. That's not a good idea. We're all happy about this. All of us. No, no, because... Beef, help me out. Well, it's not good because...

You want me to die, Chalice? No, I'm excited, my bro. I get to call all my hot friends. Okay, Chalice, don't you worry. I'm going to drop the perfect little flyer and we're going to hand it out to the whole town. All the hotties are going to come, okay? So can you give me a couple of characteristics that are hot

to get people really wanting to draw them in? Tall, strong, good with a sword. Maybe a little bit shorter than me. Yeah, I like that. Let's see. Maybe a little bit shorter than me um yeah like uh let's see hmm maybe like a little famous a little famous okay yeah i like that i like that a little famous oh shoot i'm i'm crazy famous i'm gonna go to like a tuxedo place and rent like a really nice tuxedo and then go. I want to like go to like a flower shop too and get all fancy. That's my goal.

My plan is I'm so in love with the idea that we're going to have the hottest clientele at our bar that I'm going to get lip injections and I'm going to get my hair styled really crazy. Okay, awesome. Chalice is like applying and reapplying again and again chapstick and doing like vocal warm-ups and journaling, doing yoga, being like, I'm meeting the love of my life today. Or I'm dying. And she's also just like really angry and ruminating on her anger towards her dad and her family in general for putting her in this position gotcha tangerine how are you gonna pass uh the time i'm going to take myself behind the bar

and kind of just look through the options because i'm basically getting ready to like just be in the concession like get a concession and watch the show sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a question for you what's the right amount the perfect amount of socializing for you and how do you recharge maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that.

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flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash sitcom D&D. So we're going to check in with Beef real quick and see how the recruitment is going. So Beef, you're in the town square. Come one, come all, come one, come all, tall, shorts, everyone, please, semi-famous, come along.

Is this for real? This is a kissing booth with the, like, Princess Chalice, like the Princess Chalice? Buddy, I would not lie to you. We've got Princess Chalice, the ex-Princess Chalice, waiting for true love's kiss. It's just right down at Bottoms Up. You can't miss it. It's the building that smells like piss. No, I know it.

Yeah, it smells like... I was actually going to say that. The building that smells like piss. Really? Yeah. Yeah, no, I know exactly where it is. I crossed the street to avoid that smell when I walked to work. Hey, that's great.

How about... What's your name? Splip. Splip. Splip. All right, well, why don't you take one of these flyers? I printed off 100. And maybe invite some of your friends. Okay.

I'll see you there. You've got friends, right? Hot friends? Well, I think I have one now. He leans into you, nudges you. Oh, my God. Don't kiss me. I'm not the one that's

I'm not the one that Sol's about to get sucked out of their body and thrown into oblivion alright bring your hot friends wait what about us Sol? oh

yeah yeah just bring make sure you bring your hot friends he slapped him on his butt so we cut to the tux store yeah Chip's

in a tux store trying on like the fanciest tux in there and how much did you say this was this particular tux is 150 gold pieces holy shit that's just about every cent that i have maybe you would like something more like this. It's the trash bag that I put my lunches in at the end of the day. No, dude, I'm trying to look good, okay? I know I look dumb, but I'm trying to fall in love here. Or have somebody fall in love with me, okay?

Would you fall in love with me if I was wearing a trash bag? No, but we all can't afford love, darling. Okay, fine. I'll fucking steal this thing. And I ax him in the head. Oh, whoa. This is awesome. Roll an attack roll.

You could have just ran. You could have shoplifted. You could have shoplifted. Good. I rolled a 21. Okay, that hits. Nine damage. He takes a step back that hurt him pretty good. Then he looks back at you, and his eyes glow blue.

And he sticks out an arm. What's going on? As you levitate off the ground, and then slowly, a garbage, the garbage sack that he was talking about, goes over your body. No, no! And he shoots you back out through the window. No, my normal clothes are better than this. Oh, and it's stuck on me.

Seb, do we want to check in with you? Hi. Yeah, doctor. So I'm about to have a whole lot of hot young clientele, and I just want to kind of look the part. So I don't think I need anything major major maybe just like some scorpion poison to make it so it looks like i'm smiling and i'm never sad and kind of get worried right just hold still then and then he grabs your jaw and is bringing a scorpion closer to it it stings your bottom lip you're gonna need to ingest the antidote within the next 30 seconds so it's instant death and how long have you been talking?

8 seconds and this stopper isn't coming out of the I can't get it open we probably have like what like 15 probably 10 do you want me to try? yeah give it a try

alright roll a strength check I was already doing it. Oh, perfect. 19. I'm going to live. Yep, you're good. It pops open, and I'm assuming you down it. Your lips look fucking awesome.

Oh, my God. Look how good I look. I'm going to look so good in the bar. Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited. I'm going to look so good at my bar all the hotties are gonna be like you're one of us he's gonna get an infection for sure we're going to time jump so now it's like four hours later and i want to check in with chalice um chalice has put back on the wedding

dress that she uh came into the bar with on the first day and she's like clutching her mom's crown ring on her finger and turning it. And she's just like really stressed out and really, really nervous because either way, this is a really big day for her. Either she dies or she makes her life. And so she's just like pacing back and forth right in front of her kissing booth that she made out of like, like it looks like little kids sort of like Valentine's. She's like put little like paper hearts all around it. And it's like chalice plus you for Eva on it. And she's just trying to make it festive. And then Tangerine, did you find a drink?

I certainly did. It is absolutely gross. Yeah, that checks out. Yeah, we're sorry. So the kissing booth is ready to go. Everyone's done their job. There's a super long line outside of Bottoms Up, but it looks like Chip

is holding the doors closed. Chip, you can open the doors now. I need to be seen, man. I need to be seen. Chip, also also thank you so much for wearing something so dumb and so ugly it's gonna give people confidence right when they walk in the door and i love that you're such a good buddy you're like my brother uh yeah no no problem um happy to help uh let me just open these doors up and i'm like still pushing them like holding them closed let me

just uh i'll just open this up just right about now keep it why don't you help chip open the doors yeah yeah no worries here here chip i got you don't worry no i got it i got it i got it i got it so why don't you roll a strength check believe um and beef why don't you roll a strength check Waleed and Beef why don't you roll a strength check too but you're gonna be helped by the mob outside the line I got a 16 I got a 12 so the doors

swing open and the crowd rushes in and they form a very neat tidy line right in front of the kissing booth and I assume Chalice is there ready to get things started yeah she and they form a very neat, tidy line right in front of the kissing booth. And I assume Chalice is there, ready to get things started? Yeah, she takes a big, deep breath in and she goes, thank you all for coming.

I hope one of you is the love of my life. And let's get started. Just form a single file line. And then when you walk up to me, tell me your name. And then we will share a kiss. As Chip was being stampeded, he was trying to make his way to the front of the line, but then he got fully stampeded.

So he just slowly and sadly walks his way all the way to the very end of the line. Which is like four blocks away. Which is blocks down. And I keep asking people if I can cut. You ask every single person It just blocks down. And I keep asking people if I can cut. You ask every single person on the way down, like hundreds of people.

Hey, do you mind if I... No, dude. No. Get in line. I actually know her, so it's actually okay. Are you sure? Okay, cool.

All right, anyways. Haley, our guest, I'm going to gift you a character and you're the first in line. Great. Okay. The character's name is Snippet Whippet,

and they look like they're a gnome, but a pretty attractive male gnome. Hello, my lady. I know I don't look it but i am very fast oh that's good and you are the most beautiful statue i've ever seen i'm not a statue i'm an elf but i do like i do like a man who's fast so why don't you um hop on up here and give me a little kiss hey i'm hot just like you i'm sorry what was that i'm hot just like you sorry am i being heckled no i'm hot someone yells in the back come on snip it whip it you're holding up the line

okay here we go i spray a little of that old-fashioned like menthol stuff it goes the other way oh sorry i always like to ask before i start open or closed eyes or mouth well closed open mouth. Perfect. Did it happen yet? Wow, that was the first one, too. We got a long time. Chalice will roll every time to see how good the kiss is. Roll a d20. Oh, it was a 20. Not 20.

No way! Way to go, Snippet Whippet! Way to go! Chalice immediately, like, throws her head back and lights a cigarette. And she's like... He's fast. Right.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? That he's not... It's not him. You're joking. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I could watch this all day. Well, Seb, please give Snippet a free drink

because that was... If I die today, then who cares? I just got the best kiss of my freaking life. All right, who's next in line? Okay, the next person in line is Hank Gorp and he is a very lost hiker. Haley. And he is a very lost hiker. Hey, Lee. Hi.

Hey. My name is Hank Gore. Why are you looking around and then looking back at a map? So I'm pretty sure that the trailhead forks up ahead and Nirvana Falls is when it forks to the left. I just want to confirm that that's correct. I think so. Are you here for a kiss? I promised myself

if someone asked me this again, I would say yes. Yes, I am. All right. Well, pucker up. my face or my butt oh well that's not promising um you can send that one to me you can send that one and beef beef made a little booth right next to chalices just to kind of catch the ones she doesn't want. Beef's hair is like flicked to the side and he pins a little boutonniere on his chest.

Hank Gorb kind of like takes a back a second and goes, oh. Takes a step over, skips chalices, goes to Beef's and pulls his pants down. And we give him a mwah. Have a good day.

I rolled for him already and he got a 13. So that was a pretty pleasant exchange, I guess. I had a good time. You hear him on his way out go, this is the best hike of my life. All right. Next in line, you've got Turducken Smallfry. He's a half orc who is a little awkward. My lady.

My lady. Hello. Where's that voice coming from? Oh, hi. Hello. Sorry. So only this thing is kind of crazy, this big line in the booth.

Oh, if you want me to go i'll go but i'll take my shot if you want it no you're very sweet um what do you do for a living oh i was hoping you wouldn't ask me that it's not a permanent thing it's not a permanent thing, but when someone dies in the street, I take them off the street. Oh, yeah. A scooper. A scooper, yeah. Well, Turducken,

come here. Let's just do a little mwah. And it was a 10. You're really mediocre, Turducken. You're really middle of the road. Well, I feel no better, no worse than I did when I got in line. If you want to kiss beef or get a half-op drink, you can.

Hello. Yeah, come on. Right over. Everybody's hot and hot over here and feeling great. Really good. Seb, your face looks like it's melting off of you. I think my tears are blood. That's okay.

I think I saw someone toward the end of the line pass out. So I'll go check if they need a scoop or not. Nice meeting you. Bye. Have a good one. Bye. We respect your service. Thank you.

I want to just check back in real quick. How's Chip doing at the very back of the line, four blocks away? Hey, I think somebody passed out back here. I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh, hi, sir. Hi. I got a pulse on that guy.

I can see a pulse 20 feet away. That guy's still got a pulse. Oh, great. So you can help him out? Nope. Let me know if he dies. Oh. Oh,. That guy's still got a pulse. Oh, great. So you can help him out? Nope. But let me know if he dies. Oh. Oh, hey, man.

I got to ask. Did you get to kiss the princess? Me? Yeah. 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10? I got a 10 out of 10. So you're her true love?

I wonder if the curse is broken. I don't know. She's still seeing the next person, I think. All right. So we still got a chance. All right. Nice. Yeah. What are your guys' names? broken i don't know like she's still going she's still seeing the next person i think so all right so we still got it we still got a chance all right nice yeah what are your guys names you guys are fucking hot as shit i'm sorry you guys are just so goddamn sexy yeah well that's actually that's my name my name's sexy and i'm thrash so how do you guys know the princess about to know her real good one of us oh oh so you guys

haven't like you guys never like talked to her got to know her or anything dude that's not what fairy tale love is about you do this it's not about becoming friends and like kind of a slow burn that happens over the course of time where you get to know each other and connect and see that you are different but you actually bring out the best sides of each other because you're different. It's not like that, you f***ing idiot. Oh, excuse me. What are your hobbies? Oh, you bring out the best in me.

Blue, blue, blue. We're puzzle pieces. It's about touching lips and something changing, something magic. And then we go back to line. And who's next in line? The next person in line is named custard crock he is a man and he is a survivalist um who can teach you uh 10 things to do with your own spit hey hello hi i heard there's a fork in the road coming up on the left.

Is that true? What's your name, sir? Do you want to drink some of my spit? And by spit, I mean kiss. Yeah. Yes. Yes. You know what?

I'm going to keep a good attitude. You might be the love of my life. So let's try it. Here we go. Okay. Predictably, that was a one. the love of my life. So let's try it. Here we go. Okay, predictably, that was a one. So he kind of did a whole mouthful of spit kind of into your mouth on accident. Beef, I think you'd love this one.

So if you want to give him a shot, absolutely. And now that I got the warm-up out of the way, time to kiss the princess. No, no, I'm not the... Forget it. Mwah. Mwah.

That was nice. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, yeah, they know each other. Hey, Chalice, how you doing? How you doing, girl? Are you doing okay? Thanks for checking in, Beef. I'm actually not nervous at all.

I'm sure the love of my life is magically in this line that's getting smaller and smaller. I'm not freaking out. I'm not sad. I'm not scared. I'm not thinking about all the. I'm sure the love of my life is magically in this line that's getting smaller and smaller. I'm not freaking out. I'm not sad. I'm not scared. I'm not thinking about all the things I wish I had done. Don't lose hope, okay? Don't lose hope. There's got to be some hottie in this line that's for you.

Chalice looks at Beef for a second and then squints her eyes and leans down and kisses him. And it's A7. And Beef looks back and he's like, hey had we had to see we had to see yeah they actually there's like a like a 45 second pause of them staring at each other sort of blankly we're actually going to um we're gonna time jump several hours later now most of the line has been gone through and uh there's only like really about a dozen people left or so and uh the clock on the wall is getting ever closer to midnight and i actually want to check in with tangerine oh anybody have a watch and no reason just wondering anyone have one i was

thinking about asking for one for my birthday you You're so passive aggressive, Tangerine. This is getting boring. The last several kisses have been absolutely disgusting. I almost feel sorry for you. What's your name, Constantine? Chalice. I'm sorry I got your name wrong earlier. Oh, what's your name, Cucumber?

Okay, I called you Clementine and now you're punishing me. I get it, I get it. It's a different fruit. Totally different sweetness profile. Really, though? Honestly. A bunch of people have a tangerine and a clementine and say, what's the difference?

And people wouldn't have the words. You know what? Let me just do these and the last couple people and then I'll just die, I guess. You sure this is how you want to spend the last few minutes of your life kissing these weirdos fine and um chalice uh just begins to cry and runs uh to the roof of the bar and don't follow me no i was so close who was the last person in line uh hayley there was a guy named aqua nottingham who's the kind of guy who

he's a half orc and he's really cool but he like doesn't have hand towels or soap oh yeah i think i dated that guy i told you should have gave me a chance i i told you i could have been the one baby you and me that's just christopher walkett send him to me all right i'm gonna roll for that for you and beef uh that kiss is a 17 i'll see you later tonight beef's got a bunch of dates set up now one's later tonight one's tomorrow clean it up um i'm gonna level with you guys i'm not feeling so good seb's lips are now the size of his head for the most part they're almost blocking his eyes and uh is that you yeah i'm hot but at what cost you like your like your burn like your temperature is hot? Because you look horrible.

Seb, why don't you take a D12 of damage? Oh my god. That could kill me. We'll find you a new character to come back as if Seb dies. Don't worry. It was just two. Okay, cool. Yeah, you just took two damage.

Two scorpion face damage. What is everyone else doing? I'm still waiting in line because after being in line for this many hours, it feels mean to cut at this point. I've gotten to know these guys so well. You guys are close now? We're super close. Me and Thrash in particular.

He's my boy, kind of. And the idea of cutting him feels so mean. Dude, I'm just loving getting to know you. And like, this is not what you need to do with your like true love is you don't need to do what we did. Like we have a friendship. We have a bond and we've made that. But that's not what you do with true love, man. Dude, I don't know, man.

This is what I'm saying. I think I disagree. I think you got to be best friends with the person who you plan on spending the rest of your life with. OK, that's just me. That that's just me, though. That's just. Oh, oh, yeah. Mr. Sacre Aristotle over here. I mean, come on. You're no philosopher. What? I mean, come on. During this whole conversation, I'm like unzipping their flies and re-zipping them just magically because I'm bored. That's amazing. Something cool is happening.

So we're going to cut to the roof where Chalice is, you know, kind of sulking. Beef, just go back down there. You were cleaning up. You were getting so many dates. No, I mean, I really was cleaning up. But jealous hey hey buddy hey

no it's okay i it's okay like you know what my family was so destructive that it makes sense i die because of a terrible choice like why wasn't even thinking like i'm his daughter and why would he want to give me away like it's just not oh not... Beef, it's just so frustrating because, like, I'm going to die because I was born a princess. But the irony of it is I'm happy for the first time in my life because I'm not a princess anymore. And now that I'm happy, it's just all going to go away. Yeah. Hey, I get that. You know, it's like when Seb gives me my weekly sandwich.

It's not, okay. And I eat it and it's really yummy and then I can't wait to have the next one next week. It's just like that, right? Yeah, I guess it makes you happy and I'm just saying this life makes me happy, and now it's all gonna be... It's fine. But, you know, why do you... Why do we have to listen to your dad? Why does your dad get to decide? I don't know, I tried to go against him, and I tried to meet the love of my life today, but I just didn't.

And I didn't even get to tell... It doesn't matter. Maybe the love of the life, your love of your life is been in front of you this whole time. Beef, we, I don't know if you, it's a little insulting. We tried kissing and it didn't go well, remember? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, no, no, no. Not me, not me. I just, I don't know. And he gives her a little sly smile and a little pat on the leg. Maybe they're in front of you more close than you think. Don't give up. Chalice just like wipes away a tear and then nods.

And then they do that 45 second stare. Like a dead fan stare. They're thinking about kissing again. Yeah. No, not that. No, no. We can't go back. Chalice.

There's nothing there. Chalice is doing that thing where she's just shaking her hands and revving up to run. And then she takes off running, going down the stairs as fast as she can. And she pushes back. First, she looks down at Seb. She does a double take, thinking that he might be dead. He looks so much worse than he did when she went up. Don't worry, just hot boss over here.

And she just pats him on the head, just sort of gently. And then sprints and runs up to Chip. And then just sort of like holds his shoulders. And it's like, Chip, can I just... Tangerine, you notice that there's one minute until midnight right now. 60. 60. 59.

58. I love to cut. Chip, he's not cutting technically. Chip, can I just, um... And then she kisses Chip. I'm getting goosebumps. When Chalice and Chip kiss, the kiss is amazing. It's like that description of when people have a first kiss and there's a spark or you feel fireworks.

You feel that, but you don't perceive anything otherworldly happen. Four. Three. She's getting close. Two. One. Zero. There's a long pause. You're both looking at each other kind of they're shocked

after that kiss chip and chalice everyone in the room's pretty shocked and chalice is still alive her soul's not gone oh my god uh chalice is like kind of stunned and it was kind of slowly dawning on her like when she ran down um to kiss chip she wasn't even thinking of it as him being the love of her life it was more like she thought she was about to die and she wanted to do something she always wanted to do she wanted to have her last moments of being alive being kissing chip isn't that amazing that that's what Beef said to her? Yeah, thank God for Beef. Thank God for Beef. Beef talked about his sandwich

and then thought about kissing Chalice and that was his contribution to it. That's not what I heard. You little fools. There was no curse. No actual curse. You're not free from anything, okay? I told you I put that curse on you because your dad,

one thing you and I have in common, Chellis, is your dad was such a pain in my behind, okay? And I hate him. And I really have hated your whole family, so I told you this curse wasn't even real. So it wasn't a real curse. That makes sense. And no, yeah, like Chip,

I ran down here because I was like, oh, who haven't I tried yet? And then I looked at Seb and his lips were so disgusting and scary that I was like, I'm not going to even try Seb. It's not worth it. So I just like, um.

Okay, so if Seb's lips were normal, you would have kissed him first is what you're saying? Oh, I don't know. I'm just saying like, yeah, there's no curse. That didn't mean that you're the love of my life. We just kissed.

Is this because I'm dressed in a trash bag? It's stuck to me. I can't take it off. Chalice, we're not 100% sure that there's no curse. No one really noticed me back here, but I was very last in line. If you just pick me up and give me a kiss, we can be sure. No reason

to not be doubly sure about there not being a curse. Jennifer, I lived. I don't need to kiss you anymore. You're really sweet to ask, though, Jennifer. No, tell her again, Tangerine. Tell her that there's a curse, right? Jennifer, come here. And then Chalice throws Jennifer up in the

air and then catches her with her mouth and kisses her and then throws her back down. Woo, what a ride. Okay, well, I'm gonna go to bed. That was fun. That was a fun day.

Chip, thanks for the kiss. Beef, thanks for the pep talk. Seb, if you needed to go to the emergency room, wake me up. Okay. This was the most boring day of my life. Okay? I thought this was going to be fun,

watching you all run around like high schoolers making a kissing booth. Snooze, okay? You're so stupid, you fell for it, and you're boring. Okay, and if we were so dumb, then why did we give the best sales that we've had in seven and a half years today? So, yeah, I don't feel stupid. Seb, go to the hospital. I think I'm turning a corner.

I think I've turned a corner and I literally see a light right now. Oh, I think I should go to a hospital. Here, I'll drive you to the hospital, buddy. Yeah, be a friend. Okay, you're kind of smart. I could help. I could help with one spell. Oh. But I'm not going to. Goodbye, buddy. Yeah. Okay. You're kind of smart. I could help. I could help with one spell. Oh.

But I'm not going to. Goodbye. Oh, gosh. Oh. So Tangerine jumps into the fireplace. A ball of flame engulfs her and she disappears. But really, she's just outside right in the street. I can see her.

Now she starts walking home. We'll cut to Tangerangerine you're on the way out and you you're kind of like walking next to a few people maybe just maybe the guy who was uh on a hike that was kind of lost uh on on the way out who he's also has left bottoms up i'm glad that the curse got uh got solved or it didn't it wasn't real. Is that what I overheard? I think everybody's pretty confused, but there actually was a curse, but I had to do something to them before

I left. Oh. Those two are clearly in love. Can't let that be the ending. Boring. There was a curse. Oh. Yes, of course there was a curse. Faints within faints a curse within faints okay what'd you say about faints you know it's like i believe it's a hey i'm sorry to interrupt but thrash here can you

do that thing with my zipper again why don't you follow me to the bus stop and we can talk about it. Nice. Now this is love. And I jump up thinking I'm going to like just freeze. And then I just go down and go, okay. Sean, can we just cut to Chalice in her room? So Chalice like sits down on her bed, kind of stunned. And then she grabs her pillow and likeans back and falls back in the bed

and is just smiling, thinking about kissing Chip. Aww. Chip, are you doing anything sweet? What are you doing, Chip? So Chip goes to his bed and he's also laying on his side and he's happy about the kiss, but then he realizes that, he's like, maybe, maybe she's not my true love. Maybe this is a good time to move on.

No! Maybe, I feel like, Chip feels like if fate were real, then that spell would have been real. And then we cut to Jennifer and and she's in the kitchen, and she's in her little rat bed. She rolls over, and she squeezes her little pill, and she goes, Can't believe I kissed my true love tonight. Chalice. And she rolls over and closes her eyes.

And then we cut to Seb, who's now in and out of consciousness. And Beef is just dragging me through the streets to the emergency room. So, Seb, did we learn a lesson today? Who knows when to hold him and when to fold him? He's the poker man. And with that song, the camera pans up to the moon, and the moon turns into Tangerine's face. Any last words, Tangerine?

Snooze, you're so boring. For a catchphrase. Snooze, you're so boring. Hey, everyone. This week on the Patreon, we have a cozy ASMR episode with beef and chalice during a thunderstorm. Check out this episode and more at patreon.com slash sitcom D and D. Have a great week. Sitcom D and D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keith,

Waleed Bansour, and me, Sean Coyle. And today we were joined by a very special guest, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, Haley Palmer, truly a national treasure. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. If you've been enjoying the show as much as we've enjoyed making it, then please rate and review us on Apple iTunes, because I've been told it's important and helps other people discover the podcast. And if your thumbs are broken, then just tell a friend who likes weird shit about the show.

Also wanted to take a second to plug some music. A friend of the podcast, Chase Lilly, produced, recorded, and mixed a 13-minute EP with our friend and musician Tony Belsito. And it's really lovely. A link to the EP is in the show notes. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next week.

And thanks, as always, for listening.