SitcomD&D - S1 E19: Mountain Dewd

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

The crew journeys to Mt Dew Winery and what they find waiting for them at the top of the mountain will surely shake things up at Bottom's Up...  #skylarswarriors GoFundMe page: gofund.me/0f2eab6d Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast the idea of like paying somebody to like get me food when there's food one block away from me that's hard for me i'm gonna tell you to like a week ago i did that i laid in my bed and it was like a block away and i was like please bring this fried chicken to my door. And then I'm going to like grab it like a monster. Yeah, a monster. And like suck it into my room hole. And then like eat it. And then like barf out the bones of it.

Honestly, good for you though. Good for you. You do you. I'm kind of a freak about my food being hot. I need it like right off the slop machine. That's crazy because I do the opposite. You want it cold? Well, I like it like lukewarm.

Ew. Oh. Like fries? Yeah. I like anything from like hot to like nasty. Elizabeth, I'm just imagining you just kind of like making everything into a ball and just kind of taking a bite out of it like an apple making sure the room is as dark as possible it's a particularly slow day at bottoms up and you guys are posted

up at the bar and you are talking about and um i went to an online random conversation generator this is what sean has to do on our dates too it's really oh here's a fun one and uh what you guys are talking about is your earliest memory um so that's where we're gonna pick up um with the crew so quiet on set sound speeding and we're rolling when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef at theoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience

my earliest memory probably is when i trashed that campsite with my my family my pig family and we were uh you were trashing camp with a bunch of pigs? Yeah, we were trashing a campsite and we were making music. We were getting really into it. We were using all the- Yeah, you guys must have been super in sync with one another. Yeah, we were. Actually, it was. It was an ensemble moment of life where you just-

Wait, remind me what the names of your family members were. Uh, Turk, Tantor, Phil Collins, Rosie O'Donnell, Rosie, and Booger. And just then,

a customer walks in to Bottoms Up and approaches the bar. Not it, not it, not it. Nose goes, nose goes, nose goes. Not it, not it, not it. Oh, chip, chip. Not it. It's chip.

Oh, Fiddlesticks, you don't have the new Cabernet, do you? I don't even know if we have the old Cabernet, man, if I'm being honest. I mean, okay, you know, from the winery on the mountaintop? Oh. You haven't heard of Mountain Dew Winery? No. No, Seb?

Any clue what's going on here? Guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I wouldn't describe this place as classy. No, I actually, I know about it because it's classy. I know what it is. It's a wine. It's Cabernet and it's from on top of the mountain. Well, then you probably know

that they just came out with a new Cabernet. It's called Mountain Dew Code Red. Yeah, see, I knew. Chalice, did you actually know? No, I don't know but he made me feel like a loser. I know what it is. Chalice knew, guys.

Everybody, Chalice knew. Yeah, I knew. Listen. Thank you. Listen, if you had it in stock, you'd be advertising it. Trust me. That's why there's a line outside of the bar across the street. They have a whole cask of it.

Fiddle sticks. Well, I was hoping beyond hope that you were carrying it, and people hadn't realized it yet. But, oh, well, I better get in line across the street then. Cheerio, fiddle sticks. Wait, no, cheerio, cheerio. We're going to get it in. He's already gone. The bell rings.

Hey, fiddle sticks. Fiddle sticks. Oh, fiddle sticks. And then Joe the regular, who posted up at the bar near you guys Chimes in That's good stuff Mountain Dew I had it once on me and my ex-wife's wedding day I miss Karen

Maybe I should try and win her back Would you guys tell her I'm dead for me? I think we already did that Come on Tell her I'm dead No we're not gonna get sucked into your storyline this time, buddy. The next time you die, you better be dead for real. Whoa, shit.

Or I will kill you. I want to have the cool wine. I want to have Mountain Dew. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Well, the grapes in the wines at Mountain Dew Winery only grow on the peaks of mountains. More specifically, the Twin Pe peaks off to the south. And those crops have to be very well looked after and loved.

It takes a real green thumb and a tender soul. Only one fellow I ever heard tale of that can grow grapes on a mountainside. And that's the gentleman that runs Mountain Dew Winery. And he only sells it by the cask from his vineyard at the top of the mountain. Not an easy journey, mind you, but you can sell a glass of Mountain Dew for an entire gold piece.

Joe, you know a lot. You know a lot about this show. Are you reading something? I can even tell you how to get there if you like. I mean, we did a tasting before the wedding and I never forget the location of a good drink. Honestly, Twin Peaks are a little weird. I don't know. It's always been, like, not really my taste.

Just sort of feels, like, weird for the sake of being weird. He draws it out, how to get there on a map for you. He draws it out and hands it over to you. See you, B, if you got this on your own, or do you need our help? What do you think? Let me check this out. Is this upright down, or is this upright our help what do you think uh let me check this out is this up right down or is this up right side up looks like we're all going yeah that's not promising i don't like the sounds of that oh if you all are going i would say all of you should go as a team and

if you're going to take this journey i recommend heading over to chus giggins shop oh things you know right know, right down the market street there. You got a lot of recommendations. Do you work for these people? What is going on? Who's driving? Beef, do you want to drive? I always offer. I'm ready to drive whenever anyone wants me to.

Alright, shotgun! Bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket! Dang. Okay, Beef, in order to carry everyone, you have to roll a strength check oh my god we're gonna kill beef oh I got a 19 and my strength my strength is minus

one though zoom zoom zoom we're riding on beef so somehow fucking beef carries all of you down the street uh beef can you can beef be making like race car noises as we go down the street going so slow uh okay so you guys arrive at chus giggins shop oh things um and it is an emporium of all things you can kind of think of it almost like an rei

kind of meets like a walmart a walmart walmart but the like fantastical version of that welcome to chas gig and shop oh things we got whatever the heart needs in a little bit more how can i help y'all uh we got rope, an unbreakable rope, and a regular rope, and snowshoes, a sled, warm cloaks, ice axes, hammer, and bolts, tents, and anything you might need.

We'll take the lot. Well, how much money you got? Between the four of you right now, you have ten gold pieces, okay? Oh, Jesus. Okay. Will you take 10 gold pieces for the whole lot? Absolutely not.

It doesn't matter anyway. Sounds like you're going to have to make some tough decisions. Think about climbing a mountain and what you're going to need the most. I don't know, guys. Or we could do a car wash to raise the money. Oh, my God. Let's do it. Bake sale car wash.

And a car wash in this world, of course, means we're just washing people. We're giving out free baths. Well, not free. Baths. We run a car wash, and we accidentally gave free baths out all afternoon, and now we're back at the store.

In order to reasonably make 10 more gold pieces, you'll have to roll above a 50. I rolled a one. Yeah, we lost a gold piece. So you lost a gold piece. You spent money on the soap and you spent money on the water and you all got hungry and you bought sandwiches and you lost a gold piece. Now you're down to nine. Oh, God. Everything I touch turns to ash.

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sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Now, let me get this straight. You give me nine gold pieces and you get one regular rope, not unbreakable. And let's see here. Two warm cloaks and the hammer and bolts and a sled. I got that right? That sounds right. Oh, and one more thing, actually.

What's that? What's your first memory? All right. Everyone get comfortable. Everyone sits crisscross applesauce. Three hours later, and there was so much blood. Oh my God, you can't make that up. Yes, I love it.

Thank you so much. Oh my God. Tears in my eyes. Good luck climbing the mountain. I think I'm going to try to steal the unbreakable rope. Okay. Then you're going to roll for a sleight of hand. Oh, I got a 19.

So it's 16 plus three, 19. So you grab the rope and it makes a little bit of noise as it comes off the shelf. And Gus, you hear him move. And so you look up and you see that he was just going to the back to check on something. And you're totally in the clear. And you make it out with the unbreakable rope.

Oh, my God. And then she's just shaking it with her hand and kind of boasting and going. Do-ba-do-da-ba-da. Do-ba-do-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-do-ba-da. Wah-wah-wah-da-da-wah. Yeah, baby. Rich girl has no consequences again, baby. She really is a woman of the people.

So are you guys ready to head out? You want to set out on your trek? Hell yeah. Now that we don't need the unbreakable rope, I take that unbreakable rope and I want to tie it into a balloon animal shape and give it to Beef. What animal did you turn it into? A snake.

Well, you just handed him the rope. Thanks, Chip. Tears in my eyes. Did it immediately disintegrate okay so we're gonna cut to you guys uh on your quest and um you're now walking through the forest on the way to the twin peaks and we'll check in with you guys there. I think my first memory would probably be when we went glamping as a family. And when we went down to the river to swim,

we came back to our camp and it was trashed. And we were like, um, who trashed our camp? They looked like they played all of our stuff as instruments. And we were like, that's a little rude. My parents were yelling and then that's when I realized that I don't think my parents were in love anymore. Oh gosh, you goofing.

Straight goofing. That's so weird about the trash camp. I know, right? Isn't that like so weird? It reminds me of nothing. Oh, looks like we're at the base of the trash camp. I know, right? Isn't that like, ugh, so weird? Anyways. Yeah, it reminds me of nothing. Oh, looks like we're at the base of the mountain here. And so you are.

And a mountain path begins. It's pretty clear to see where the mountain path should take you. And there's pretty much one option. Here we go. Huh? Now, who's wearing the cloaks? Well, I don't have sleeves normally, so I wouldn't mind.

I guess I do have a scarf, but I'll wear a cloak. Okay. Of course Chip would wear a cloak. And everyone's really worried about Beef catching a cold, so I think they insisted Beef put on a cloak. Yeah. More than half of it's dragging behind me in the snow. That's okay, Beef.

We're just happy you're warm. So you guys aren't at too high of elevation yet, so it's not too bad. So you guys take off down the path, and after a while, we're going to cut to after you've been walking for, you know, a good, a fair amount of time, the main

path ends in what looks to be a sheer wall of ice. Well, I give up. Let's go home. That was fun. Let's go see what's happening at that store again. Let's just go back to the store. We'll make an episode there.

Why would you go through all this trouble to live on top of this mountain? My God. That's a good question. I don't get it. The only way we can find out why is by going up there and asking him. What if we throw beef as high as we can?

We could also use the hammer and bolts climbing materials. Okay, that's an option. That's a good plan B. All right, so we'll try the throwing beef first, and then we'll try the hammer and bolts climbing materials. All right, guys. On three, on my signal, throw me as far and as high as y'all can do I know you can mountain do we tie the rope to beef

around his waist and then we chuck him so are multiple people throwing beef yeah all the three of us are yeah each person has like a hand under beef's butt and another hand like holding his foot and then launching him and chip you'll have advantage on this check to throw beef as high and as far as you can well good thing i had advantage because

otherwise it would have been a critical failure um but instead it's a 19 okay wow okay so you launch beef you launch beef like 60 feet into the air okay oh my god i'm like what's wrong with you and i had just shaved so like i'm really aerodynamic and it's uh a perfect throw um and beef you like as And Beef, as you're coming to your peak in your toss, you're up against the ice wall. But through you 60 feet in the air, the sheer ice wall is 80 feet. So you guys didn't even ask how tall it was at all. You just threw Beef. So Beef is still 20 feet short. at all you just uh so whatever that was impressive beef has the weight distribution of a bowling ball so that's amazing that we were even able to do that yeah so beef you kind of like you you touch the sheer ice wall 60 feet in the air what do you do now well i splat right i want a starfish

starfish splat and then and then i just slowly drop the 60 feet okay so you're trying to keep as much of yourself on the ice wall to create as much friction as you can to slow yourself down all the way? Oh, yeah. Do you have the ice hammer and thing or no? I should have. You didn't say that. Yeah, you should have, but we didn't say that, so no. So no, you don't. So it takes you about a full two minutes to slide down 60 feet.

You do have half of a breakable rope, though. A breakable rope. Okay, so Beef gets to the bottom of the sheer ice wall. One half of Beef is just like totally pink from being rubbed against the ice wall. Good thing you had the warm cloak. Yeah. And Beef, take a d4 of

ice splat damage. This makes sense. We really did this to ourselves. One. Cool. Alright, what's the next thing you guys want to try? I guess we gotta do the plan B and use the tools that... Dommel plan B. The tools that seem to be actually made for this.

Plan B is so boring. Who's the nimblest? Who would be a good climber here? I don't think it's Chip. I'll give it a shot. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, we'll say because you're swinging from these bolts

that it's acrobatics instead of athletics. So we'll let that slide. 15. So you'll get a 15, which is enough. How do these tools work? Is it like climbing bolts where you put it in and then you actually hook the rope around? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So we'll say that Chalice has a rope on her and it goes through that loop. And then the rest of you are belaying down below. Okay. And holding the rope taut. Belay. On belay. Belay on! Hip hip belay!

But since that was a close one, I'm going to have you roll for the second half of the ice mountain. The cliff. The sheer ice wall. Well, so 13. Oh, plus tool, 16. Okay. So, there's a point where you kind of slip and fall,

but the belayers catch you. Careful. Belay, belay. And you make it all the way to the top. I did it. Yay! What's your first memory? What's your first memory?

The camp getting trashed. The glamping. Oh, that's right. Sorry. It's okay. I wasn't listening. I love you so much. You're my best friend.

All right. You're my best friend. I'm going to pull you guys up. What? I'm kidding. I heard you. You're so funny. I love you.

I love you. Okay, so Chalice, wait, is there like any rocks or anything up there at the top? Like what's going on up there? There's some really tall trees. They look like pine trees, but they're like skinny. And they look like you could, you know, put the rope around them. They're not too far from the top of the cliff. So you could tie a knot there if you wanted and hang the rope down.

All right, I'm going to tie a knot. And I i'm also gonna hold on to the rope just in case so you guys all gonna climb it or you do one i don't want to i was thinking about throwing beef again yeah just get him 60 feet up there so he doesn't have to climb the first 60 feet okay i i roll an eight. Come on, man. You throw an ice blast. I'm tired. I'm tired. I had help last time and nobody helped. Seb just sat there and watched us for some reason.

You're not throwing your best. You kind of lose your footing too while you go to throw beef. Beef gets launched only like 15 feet in the air this time and also nowhere near the wall of ice. Oh no, you're going to kill him. I try and catch him. I try and catch him. Okay, roll for

athletics. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Botch. Straight up botch. You rolled a one? I rolled a one. Oh my god, he's gonna die back into the show somehow i should have had a belay i run into the ice wall run into the ice wall almost knock yourself out fall backwards and then beef lands with his butt on your head like a true clown.

It is just buffoonery down there. True clownery. Okay, what do you guys want to do now? Maybe we focus up, everybody. It's so funny to me the idea of looking down and seeing your friend throw your friend up in the air and then land on his head and you're like, what the heck? Did I miss something?

I turned around to go pee and then next thing I know and freaking Beef is sitting on Beef's face. I just know in my heart we can do this. Chip, you are so immature sometimes. It drives me insane. I didn't mean to. I hate it too. Oh, you are so immature sometimes. It drives me insane. I hate it too. Oh, you make me cry. So everyone just roll

a d20 of athletics. It shouldn't be too hard of a difficulty check to pass here, but we'll see. I rolled a 12. Okay, you're good. And I got an 18. You're good, Seb. And I rolled a 2 for climbing. That last toss really hurt Beef. So Beef is, you guys all get to the top

and look back down, and Beef is kind of just sitting on his bottom, looking real defeated at the very bottom. You guys. It's an unbreakable rope. So Beef, now that we're all up here, tie it to your waist or leg. What?

You're 80 feet up in the air tie the unbreakable rope to your waist tie it to your ankle not your neck beef not your neck not your neck bud not off of the neck why did you make it into a noose? This is so scary. I'll make it into a mini noose and put it around my ankle. You guys pull the rope, and I'm going to have you roll a dexterity roll, because you could easily lift beef all that way, but to not injure beef on the way up, it's going to take some dexterity. I rolled a 19 plus three, so.

All right. That's good. You're good. But he is banging up against the side. I am. But gently. The whole time. He's just lightly bouncing.

And I'm like. When you get to the top of the ice wall, you had been traveling the mountain path for quite some time and you realize all of a sudden that you are at the top of one of the Twin Peaks. And you see just in the distance there is a gorgeous farmhouse on the side of the peak of the mountain. The sun is setting and its golden light is shining down on the vineyard in a way that can only be described as angelic. Oh my God, did we die? Are we in heaven? I'm dead. This is- I'm dead.

There's no consequences. I'm going to start a fire. Speaking of which, it doesn't look like there's too much activity, although there is some dark smoke coming from the chimney. Okay, I have to go knock on the door and see how much this place cost. I want a tour. It's stunning. I want to take a look around. We came all this way.. I want a tour. It's stunning. I want to

take a look around. We came all this way. Let's do the tasting. Let's do the premium tasting. I want to take a cutting board home. I follow because I want to see if they have warm soup. So you guys approach the house then. And also as a reminder guys, we have no

money to buy anything. So I also got a curious how we're actually going to get this wine. But we'll figure that out, I guess. Oh, I wonder if you have someone in your group who impulse shoplifts just to feel something. And then she went. Hmm. A certain woman of the people. Yeah.

And to confirm, we've also been dragging a sled with us this whole time. Oh, I totally forgot about that. Our quick exit. So as you approach the mountainside farmhouse at the peak of the mountain, let's have everyone roll a perception check. 19. You guys hear some wild commotion kind of coming from inside the house. It sounds like a lot of banging around and then a few kind of like yells and yelps and

weird noises. Mmm. Passionate farmers. And you also notice that the smoke coming out of the chimney is a little bit darker than you would expect and a lot more intense. You guys, I'm getting kind of a weird feeling in my tummy. You just want to go home? Is that what you're saying?

I just think that there's some weird, don't you guys feel like the weird, there's some weird energy up here. Hmm. Well, I rolled an eight for perception, so I don't notice anything. Uh, yeah, I think, do they need help? I think they might need help.

Chip, we know you don't notice anything. Yeah, I don't really notice anything. Yeah, take a break. Yeah, just take a break, man. Okay, I'm just going to play on the sled a little bit. Can Chalice look through the window and try to see if she can see what's going on in there? Yeah, for sure. So roll an investigation check.

Nine. Okay, cool. So you go up to one of the windows, but it's kind of like sooted over and you can't really see through it too well at all. But there's like shapes moving very quickly. Inside, you can tell. And you guys continue to hear like banging

and weird noises and like yelps and what sounds like maybe screams now. Oh, you guys, I think there might be a fire. I can't really tell, but. Oh my God, we got to help. We should help. All right. I got this.

I pick up beef and I throw beef and I want to throw them into the chimney. Into the chimney? That's the worst place. You said it, you're doing it. Down through the chimney. That's the goal. I You said it. You're doing it. Down through the chimney. That's the goal. I'm going to die today.

I'm going to die today. Okay, so Chip, roll for strength, but this will also be your accuracy as well. I rolled a 24. Okay. So it is a perfect Steph Curry 3.J of beef through the air, barreling straight towards the chimney. And beef, you go straight down the tube of the chimney and you are consumed by fire. Great.

And while I won, right when he launches me and all of that, I yell, Calabunga! Ouch, ouch, Calabunga! Okay, so. Ouch, ouch, ouch! Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you do once you realize that, you know, you are in a fireplace, essentially, and you're on fire? Yeah, I got to roll out. First off, stop, drop, and roll the rules of the world.

Okay, cool. So I'm rolling. first off, stop, drop, and roll the rules of the world. I'm rolling. I stopped and I'm rolling on the carpet of the inside the house. Yeah, since you had a ton of momentum, you were able to roll pretty quickly, but you gotta take a d4 of fire damage there.

I'm at a 5 right now, guys. Before this roll? So you'll live. Fuck. I'm at a five right now, guys. Oh, God. Before this roll? So you'll live. You'll live. One. Cool. And you look around and everyone in the room,

it's like a record scratch and they're all staring at Beef who just stopped, dropped, and rolled himself out of fire from coming to the chimney

at 100 miles an hour. And the people in the room are a tall, slender wood elf with curly light brown hair and then three thieves um who look to be humanoid but they're wearing dark cloaks they are attacking that uh slender wood elf freeze so they were already standing still and looking at you. Good. Good.

Ouch. Owie. Ow. That was hot. Like a little hot. I'm like a little hot dog right now, everyone. Hi. Actually, I have all my friends right outside the door, so I'm just going to start walking over to the door here.

Everyone just keep looking at me. So the three thieves they drop the tall slender wood elf who's pretty much beat to a pulp um because they they were just beating the shit out of him and he drops to the floor with a thud they're walking towards you to cut cut off your path from the door hey guys don't uh buddies pals just uh just we're both going to the door. That's funny. Okay, so now they've put hands on you. They've now grabbed you, and they're lifting you off the ground.

They're putting a dagger to your throat against the wall of the farmhouse. Oh, you guys are silly. What's your favorite memory? I mean, your first favorite memory? I mean, your favorite- Beef, are you alive? Beef, are you alive? Oh, those are my friends. Can I get my friends real quick?

What's going on in there? Should we kill him? So now they're debating with each other. Should we just kill him? Yeah, just kill him. What are you waiting for? Okay. Don't kill me.

And so they're, the one of them draws its dagger back to stab you to death. Oh, no. I only got four hit points left. Fiddle sticks, fiddle sticks, fiddle sticks. Beef, attack. Oh, yeah. Attack them.

I'll attack. I forgot that I could do that. Oh, yeah. You're just gonna get killed Do anything Fight him fight him I'm gonna fight you guys you better watch out I'm gonna fight you So what do you have up your sleeve what can you do here

Well I have that glass eye That I got as a gift A long long time ago Can I try to do something With the glass eye well what do you want to do hmm I should put it

can I put it in my eyeball and like and like do a little character voice to like freak out like to entertain them to distract them oh my god. This is the most perfect plan.

Yeah, that'll work great. Now, you take that fake eye, you put it in. Now let's hear your character that you're doing. Hi, fellas! It's me! It's your long-lost brother! Just joking around! How are we?

Ha ha ha! You know, my friends are here i think i ordered a pizza anyone want to open the door for the pizza i ordered beep is panicking okay let's check in with everybody else outside while this is happening i'm going in you guys i'm going in i'm worried i'm going in i'm going in i'm going in. I'm worried. I'm going in. I'm going in. I'm not worried at all, but I guess we can go in. Yeah, I guess. Can Chalice use Gust to just open the door? The door slams open when Chalice does Gust.

You guys are headed inside? Mm-hmm. Okay, cool. So we'll check back in in real time with Beef. Beef, why don't you roll for De to see uh if they believed your character a nine a nine yeah so one of them kind of goes like i didn't order a and then goes like shut up idiot and then the door slams open and you guys enter the rest of the group enter so now i think it makes sense to roll for initiative um so seb you are up first and to give you guys an idea this uh farmhouse is pretty big it's kind

of like um almost like a big wooden cabin um where the uh rafters meet and like the top of a triangle up top. And there is a fire that has now been started in the farmhouse that is slowly spreading. And you guys are at the entrance way. And just to the right of where you are, are the three thieves holding a dagger to Beef's throat up against the wall.

I'm going to use poison spray on them. Okay. And I roll a 17. I'm going to do poison spray on them. Okay. And I roll a 17. I'm going to do poison spray at the one on the far left. So that succeeds. Eight damage. Okay. Seb, wow.

I can't ship you up next. Pizza's hot and ready. Is there like another person holding beef still? Yeah, the other two both are holding them up. Okay. I'm going to swipe and try and chop off one of their arms two both are holding them up. Okay. I'm gonna swipe and try and chop off one of their arms with my big ol' battle axe. Okay.

I roll an 18. That hits. I hit the dude with 8 damage. Oh, nice. Hmm. That's cute. Okay, and the next up is Chalice. Um, how bad in shape is the elf? Like, does he need immediate medical attention or can i fight

um right now uh all you can see is that he's like limp on the ground he doesn't really seem to be moving i'm gonna go check on him when you go over there chalice you can tell that he's either dead or unconscious um and so you want to try to resuscitate him or at least make sure he doesn't die. So what you need to do is roll at least a DC 10 wisdom medicine check. Great, so 16 altogether. Okay, cool.

So you stabilize him. And for all you know, you just saved his life, but he's still unconscious right now. You just saved a life. Shoo-ba-doo, bop-a-dop, ba-da-da, la-la-la-la-la. All right, Beef, you're up. Oi! Yes, I am! I sure am.

He's staying in character, and that is admirable. Absolutely, I am a professional. Wait, is that Beef? Wait, who's that guy? Oh, boy. The name's Chase Letter, and I'm ready to fight. Oh, my God. I hope he's on our side.

I hope this is a character. I hope he's on our side. I hope that stranger's on our side. I'm going to Cheeto chop the last guy holding me. I'm going to Cheeto chop the last guy holding me. I'm going to hit him in the neck. The difference is you make the sound that the Cheetos Chester guy makes? Yeah. Cheeto. Cheeto dust on your

fingers? Doesn't Austin Powers Cheeto chop? I just looked it up and Austin Powers does judo chop. Literally the first thing that came up was Austin Powers judo chop literally the first thing that came up was austin powers judo chop i thought i was quoting austin powers but i said judo chop it's literally nothing oh my god you were just trying to be funny. I didn't realize you thought Cheeto chop was a real thing. Holy shit, he's Cheeto chopping.

All right, so roll for an unarmed strike. 14. Okay, that hits. So now roll for damage. It always does. Unarmed strike damage. It literally says zero. Fludging me. Oh, wait.

What's your strength? Oh, what's my strength? Negative one. It's negative one. Yeah, you have zero. It's zero. Your Cheeto chop. Your Cheeto chop.

It's basically like a caress. That is a caress. That is a gentle caress. I'm crying. I can't believe it. So that thief prepared himself to be stabbed and was so pleasantly surprised to just be lightly, I don't know, slapped on the shoulder. So that did absolutely nothing. Wait, do you guys think Chase is on our side?

I cannot tell. I don't know if I want him on our side after that. our side? I cannot tell. I don't know if I want him on our side after that. So then the first thief that got sprayed runs over to Sab and it's gonna sneak attack your ass.

Rolls a 20. So then the damage is gonna be 11. Oh! He hostiled you. He slashed your Achilles tendon and then stabbed you in the side. Now it's the second thieves' turn. They're going to try to hit Chip. Oh, thank God. God, Seb, you didn't

have to say that. I'm hurt. You looked right at me when you said that. Oh, thank God it's him. They throw a dagger at Chip and they rolled a 12. Does that hit? No. So it's deflected by Chip. Kind of hot. They threw a dagger at you and you didn't get hit?

Yeah, I kind of, yeah, my ponytail whipped it out of the way. Oh, kind of gross. I love it. Now, because those other two came more after you guys, the third one is still dealing with Cheeto Chop and Beef and isn't within five feet of his friends. So just going to try to take a regular stab at beef. Is beef even here?

Oh, I mean, bad news for Chase Letter. This thief just critted. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Guys, beef is going to... It's going under. That's okay. Chase will say something funny before he goes.

No, no, Elizabeth, it's serious. If you die in sitcom D&D, you die in real life. What the hell? Oh, my God. Did we sign that in the head gum contract? Elizabeth, do you not remember? Yes. That was what I was hung up over.

But remember, there's pros to it, because if you have sex in sitcom D&D, you get sex in real life. Oh, yes. Yeah. So you get sex in real life. Oh, yes. Yeah. So you get, there was six damage that Beef has to take. So I'm going night-night with that

one. This is a bad day for Beef. Seb, you're up. I gotta use poison spray on this one that just snuck attack me. Okay. Rolled 10. Nope. Okay. So what's the damage? So it's gonna be 12. 10. Nope. Okay. So what's the damage? So it's going to be a D12.

12. Whoa. Seb's going to save the day. Chip's going to do nothing. I hit somebody for eight damage. You're unconscious. Shut up. You're unconscious. Shut up. So with that first thief, you throw that poison spray

and it goes right down his windpipe and you just see boils come up on his throat But that first thief, you throw that poison spray, and it goes right down his windpipe, and you just see boils come up on his throat, and his eyes just go dead in his face. And he hits the ground. And I go, whoever smelt it dealt it. And then I look around at Beef, because I knew Beef would like that,

and then I get really sad. Yeah, where's Beef? So then Thief two looks at thief three and goes holy we gotta get out of here grab this stuff and go let's just go and so thief three grabs like there's you see that there's been casks of wine that have been set up on their own sled like right next to the back door and they both race to the back door and are uh heading out so you guys have the opportunity to like an attack of opportunity as they flee if you want cool i'll do an opportunity attack against the one i've already hit that had eight damage yeah thief two does a 15 hit yes excellent oh 10 damage okay that's going to kill him. So what do you do?

Oh, man. I can do non-lethal, though, right? Yeah. Yeah, I take the flat end of my axe. I turn it on its side, and I bop him on the head for 10 damage and knock him unconscious. Okay. Now I feel bad, because I full-on killed the other one. Yeah.

If you're not going to kill people, we should talk about it beforehand. Yeah, come on. Someone doesn't feel bad. No, I'm the asshole. His eyes popped. Does anyone want to try to take an attack of opportunity on the third thief?

I'll do it. It's me. I'm up. Hey, guy, what's your first memory? I'm going to throw a dagger at him. Cool. 17. Okay, cool. So that hits and then now roll for damage. Oh, it's a six. Okay, cool. There's a dagger sticking out of the back of the calf of

the third thief who's the only one still on his feet, but he's still moving real quick. He grabs the end of the sled that has a number of casks on it and just heads out the back door and through the window you can see he's moving super quick and he hops on his big sled with those casks and he's gone. I'd like to grab our sled and go after him. I'm worried about our good friend

Beef, so I'm going to stay with Beef and since I'm our healer, I'm going to do some stuff. Also there's still a fire going on in the building. But I'm going to go after this guy. I think you should go, Chip. Okay, cool. So we'll stick with right now.

Let's stick with the people who are staying. The fighting is kind of done. Chip has taken off to go chase after the third thief and now kind of, you know, a quiet has settled inside the farmhouse uh what do you guys want to do there is a fire still raging though i'm gonna go out and get some snow and just bring in huge bits of snow to try to put out the fire okay cool i'm gonna try to get uh beef up so i'm gonna use cure wounds which is touch so that's four plus three. That's seven. So Beef comes back awake

and I guess we'll see who we're dealing with. Beef or his alter ego. Oi, I'm horny, baby. I saved the wrong one. What are this? Beef's back and that wood elf is still unconscious but stable on the floor. And so is one of the thieves.

Seb, can you heal this guy? Not the thief. Oh, okay. And I take my hands off the thief. All right. I will use my second spell slot and I will use cure wounds. And it does just four. It's one plus three.

Okay, cool. And all of a sudden the tall slender wood elf with curly light brown hair starts coughing and like comes to what, where, where am I? Um, you're heaven baby. No, don't listen to me. Um, you're in maybe your place we didn't rob you we saved the day this is seb i'm chalice that one is oh my god it is beef beef i didn't recognize you he just brings you in and hugs you and starts like shaking um and like crying and you're pretty

concerned but then you realize it's just like he's crying because he's so happy. It's like you saved my life. You saved my life. Thank you so much. Oh, it's OK. You're welcome. They took pretty much all the wine that we had here. Every cask that I had almost.

But our buddy Chip just went after him down the sled on the hill. Looked pretty fun fun i'm a little jealous oh my head is reeling all right look at me look at me in the eye uh what's your first memory um this might sound weird and maybe it's because i got hit in the head a little too hard but i'd recognize you me no dude i've never seen you in my entire life dude we're losing him we're losing him all right it's mercy i'm gonna poison for him no no no you and he looks and he's looking into chalice's eyes. He hasn't broken eye contact. Me? Yeah, I was, uh, if you are who I think you are, I was at your sweet 16. You know, the one that ended in that terrible fire? Um, yeah. I was,

um, I was only 13 at the time and, you know, I'm a bit of a late bloomer, so you probably don't recognize me, but I'm Prince Jalpert of, of the Westwood. Um, or I guess I should say former Prince Jalpert. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I remember you. Yeah, I know our parents really didn't get along that well. You know, the old highborn elf versus, you know, wood elf thing. That rivalry still runs pretty deep.

But, yeah, it was a fun party until everything caught on fire. Yeah, that was my fault. Doesn't matter. It's Chalice, right? Yeah. What's your name? Jalpert. Jalpert. Jalpert Hames. Former prince, I guess. I don't know. Do you find it weird not saying

princess before things? It's weird. You get used to it. I know it's really weird. Honestly, I was really stressed about it at first saying prince princess before things it's weird you get used to it really weird honestly i was really like stressed about it at first because i was like people won't care about me anymore like maybe they just cared about me because i'm a princess but honestly i think that like all of my friendships and relationships have only improved since i left yeah same yeah i haven't really seen anyone from like i i my old life um until you yeah i left my kingdom left the castle left my family and um okay beef i don't think they're gonna talk to us we

should just get yeah we're here too are you they're not talking to us you're the guy yeah after i mean i had you know just a bad time with my family. We didn't really see eye to eye. And I gave up my position for the throne. I was third in line, so it wasn't that big of a deal. And came out here and started focusing on trying to make things grow in a difficult place. Yeah. Joe at the bar, who all of a sudden knew so much about everything, said that you have to be pretty special to grow stuff up here.

That is so cool. It's so nice running into you. This is crazy. You guys, this is crazy. He's a prince. We're on the other side of the room. Yeah, we went to another room. You weren't talking to us.

Let's check in with Chip chip chip is at the back door and he like comes in and he said okay you guys missed a lot i hopped on the sled slammed right into a tree pissed myself sharted myself so i got pants full of piss and shart. Anyway, did I miss anything? Oh. And you look over and Chalice and Jalpert are like really intensely staring into each other's eyes. You can't really hear what they're talking about but they seem to be like really connected

and like laughing and excited. Huh. Are they talking to you guys? Not even a word. Like we weren't even here. I mean, I thought we died. I thought that I died trying to save beef back there. Jalper, this is Chip.

He just sharted himself, I guess. Oh, so he gets an introduction. All right, weird. Honestly, weird. And this is my best friend, Seb. And I would call him Beef, but I feel like he has so much brain damage right now, he's not really beef right now. Horny to make your acquaintance.

Let me just give all of you guys a big hug. Oh, I wouldn't. Oh, you do. That is intense. That is potent. But hey, you saved my life, asshole. I don't care. Gives you a hug.

Jelper and I have so much in common. He is a former prince. Uh-oh, he sharted again. Sorry, I sharted again. And then Jalpert looks out the window and sees that all of the vineyard is actually on fire, too. They must have set fire to it earlier. And now it's, like, blazing.

And he runs outside. Oh, man, dude, that sucks. We'll help. We'll help. Do we have to help this guy? Yes, come on. As you guys go to help, he Oh, man, dude, that sucks. We'll help. We'll help. Do we have to help this guy? Yes, come on. As you guys go to help, he just, like, grabs onto your sleeves and stops you from running in and just goes, it's too late. Trust me.

These crops, once they're lit, they go up real quick, and it's too far gone. Don't even put yourself in danger. Oi, oi, I got an idea. Why don't you come work for us make the recipe of the new mountain dew with us well i don't know if i don't necessarily need a job uh but my my home is pretty messed up and it's a bad season to try and fix it so just for the time being if i could just get my bearings and- Yeah, come stay with us. What's your, you guys all live together?

I'm a proprietor. I'm a business, a small business owner. And we live above the bar. But we're not siblings, okay? So we could kiss each other and it wouldn't be weird. That's right. Chip, you smell horrible. Yeah, I piss and I sharted my pants.

Step back, Just step back. Somewhere in there, I think I caught you guys run a tavern and inn. He knows. He knows. Yeah, well, I can definitely pay to stay there, but I would love a place to stay for at least a short while while I get back on my feet. Yeah, of course.

The former prince and princesses got to help each other out. I'm just staring at Jalper, and I just see a big pile of money, and I'm hearing slot machine sounds. And it's just like... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Sh, sh, sh. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I'm like, you can stay as long as you want.

Those bastard thieves did make away with a lot of this season's wine and the casks, but I do have a secret barrel that i saved for for special occasions and hard times that um i'm pretty excited to uh to bring back with us and maybe we can uh celebrate tonight yes for a guy that's lost everything you've got a great attitude and i'm horny for it baby do you have a sled that we could maybe borrow and go to bed with? Of course. I got a big ass sled. It's huge. Okay, good, because this other one

is covered in pee and poopy. Sorry, I was trying to save the day. And you did great, honey. You did so good, honey. Don't call me honey. So this sled looks exactly like Santa's sled and sleigh, just without any reindeer. And he goes, okay, so this seat's for, Chip, no offense, but if you just want to stay on

your poopy sled. Yeah, I'll take my piss sled down. Yeah, okay. Yeah, since you're already poopy and pissy, you can take the poopy piss sled. I could also change pants with somebody and then I could take the Santa sled. No, no one take that. I put my hand on beef and I go, don't take that. Beef almost took it.

Beef almost took forward. And then the four of us, we take this reindeer-less sled. And they sing, dashing through the snow, one horse open sleigh, for the fields we go. Zebedee-da-ba-da, doob-ba-da-da-da-da. Ba-da- go Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do

Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do

Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do

Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do

Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a-do Zabity-tab-a D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. If you've been enjoying the show as much as we've enjoyed making it,

then please rate and review us on Apple iTunes or wherever else you can rate and review things. We also wanted to give a special shout out to our friend Skylar, who just celebrated her seventh birthday. Skylar was diagnosed with brain cancer, and she's been super duper brave going through her radiation treatments. In fact, let me check my notes here. Yeah, she may actually be the bravest girl in the whole world. If you want to help support Skylar and her fight, you can check out the GoFundMe we have linked in the show notes. Every bit helps. Thanks.

I think that's it for today. Until next week. And thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.