SitcomD&D - S1 E20: Jennifer's Eleven

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

Danny Ocean wants to score the biggest heist in history. He combines an eleven member team, including Frank Catton, Rusty Ryan and Linus Caldwell. Their target? The Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand. All casinos owned by Terry Benedict. It's not going to be easy, as they plan to get in secretly and out with $150 million - wait, no - It's like this but with Jennifer and the cast of SitcomDnD.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast this is kind of crazy because i literally have a uh i had an idea for a patreon content that is guess what i am eating right now and it is just me eating into a microphone no faster way to alienate our listener patreon is supposed to be premium content not a punishment ben there's some sick sick people out there you're one of them elizabeth i am one of them i'll pay to hear benny yeah if you do that episode i'll start paying for a patreon It's a typical day at Bottoms Up. You're all working hard, or hardly working. But it's becoming clear that food orders are coming out of the kitchen way, way slower than usual.

And we're going to pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Shrimp! Shrimp! What a fucking mess. Dive! Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Shrem. Shrem. What a fucking mess.

Dive. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience

Does someone want to check on Jennifer? I feel like things are moving kind of Nose goes, nose goes Does someone want to check on Jennifer? I feel like things are moving kind of... Nose goes, nose goes. Nose goes, nose goes. It's always me. Sorry, sorry, Chip. Just be faster. I always forget we actually physically do it

because this is an audio medium. What are you talking about, Chip? What are you talking about, Chip? You're crazy. You're right, You're right. I am crazy. That's why I'm going to go talk to Jennifer. As you knock on the door, a brick gets thrown through the window of Bottoms Up from outside

and attached to that brick is Jennifer. She's badly beaten and either unconscious or dead. Jennifer, get back into the kitchen. It's running slow. Jenny, what are you doing? It's not your day off. Jennifer, you're going to have to pay for that window. Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, guys.

Why am I surprised? I'm the manager. I should be the one to yell at her. What the fuck is wrong with you, Jennifer? Don't give me those dead eyes. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I would like to stabilize her by doing

mouth to mouse, even though she is a rat. Okay, perfect. Oh no, I rolled a one. And then my wisdom is plus two, so three. Yay! When you're giving mouse to mouse to Jennifer, you basically

come in too quick and panicked and you headbutt Jennifer as she's laying on the ground. Oh, my God. Did it help? No. She weighs like six ounces. Like, what are you doing? Oh, Jennifer, if you wake up, I promise I'll never take you for granted again.

Jennifer, wake up. Let me stabilize her. Okay, you guys, let me do this. Let me do this. I'm sort of the manager. I should be the one. Okay, well, you shouldn't be backing away. You should be.

Yeah, why are you walking backwards? Yeah, why are you walking backwards? I don't know. I'm just not good in these kind of situations. I pick up the brick and Jennifer and throw it at Seb. Fix her. Okay, fine. I roll.

Dude, I rolled a natural 20 oh nice she coughs a little bit and her eyes open and she starts to speak oh my god what the jennifer looks down at her little feet and sees that she's tied to this brick and she goes oh, Oh my gosh, it's coming back to me. Oh, God. I mean, as you guys know, I've had a string of bad luck at the casino lately. Mm-hmm. We all know.

Well, I owe some bad people in a bad way, and I guess it finally caught up with me. Is it just cheese, or has it moved on beyond cheese? like a lot of gold yeah I was at Moe's Casino and I couldn't get good cards to save my frickin life at the table so long story short a couple of Moe's goons tailed me back to my place afterwards, beat me half to death, and they took everything I had, you know, which wasn't much, but they took something very important to me. It was a painting of my parents, the only one that exists. It's pretty much, you know, it's worth a pretty penny on the market.

I think it's by a semi-famous artist or something, but it's worth everything to me, and I want it back. I think that you're gonna really have to say goodbye now, because once the mob gets their hands on anything, it's destroyed. Beef was in the mob for a while.

Beef shook me down multiple times. At work. Beef shook me down multiple times. At work. Beef, you promised me you were no longer involved, all right? You can't be doing this low-level... Once you're in, you're never out. Listen, y'all. Now, I swore that I'd never do another job again, but this is personal.

So what do you say? Are you guys in? You want to rob a casino? Beef puts on his white gloves. It's time to squeeze some oranges. What the are you talking about?

No, no, no. I get it. Chip also pulls out white gloves and puts them on. Chalice is already putting on her white gloves. Okay, so it looks like we're in. We're going to rob a casino. We cut to the next day, to the dusty basement of Bottoms Up. Y'all are seated at a wooden table, and Jennifer is standing on it

with her arm in a sling and a crutch under her other arm. First things first, we gotta assemble a crew. There's five of us, which means we need six more for this to make sense. It seems like a whole lot of personalities that we have to manage. And then you hear, actually, you only need five more. I'm in. And Prince Jalpert, the tall wood elf, steps out from the shadows. Who the heck is this guy?

Oh, we met him. He's actually a big, huge, stupid loser from last episode. What are you talking about? He smells like lilac. Isn't he a big, dumb loser? No, he's really smart. No, Chip, we like him a lot. I've never seen this guy before in my life.

Oh, that's right. Beef wasn't there. Where was I? It was a week ago. Who's to say? Comment below. Yeah, comment below with who you think it was.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Jennifer. Nice to make your acquaintance. Your friends actually saved my life not too long ago, so I'd like to pay it forward.

Oh, this guy. I thought you did know. You were joking. I thought you were joking. Wait, you actually did not know? I really knew that I was supposed to know. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, Beef, you saved my life, And I'm still in your debt for it.

Plus, this sounds pretty fun. So I'm in. And then Jennifer chimes back in. Okay. All right. Great. He's in. I think we can figure out something for you to do.

And I've actually got someone else in mind that I'm going to try and recruit, which means that, well, each of you need to recruit just one more person for the job, and we'll be at 11. Now think, it can be anybody that has already been introduced this season. We'll reconvene back here tonight where you will report with whoever you recruited and what their skill set is. All right, I know who I'm going to get. And it's my boy, whose parents will, I assume assume watch the mission as we accomplish it. That's right.

I'm grabbing spicy Pete. We cut to spicy Pete. Um, he's actually in like the market square selling, uh, a bunch of different vegetables. And a lot of them happen to be peppers. Psst.

Oh, chip. What's up, dude. I haven't seen you in a minute. He goes to give you a hug. No, we're not here for that. We need your skills. What skills? Your ability to somehow transform yourself on stage like the great actor that you are. Oh, and what's the role exactly? The role is Casino Robber. Well, I guess that's what you're doing. The role, we haven't determined the role yet.

The role would probably be like a dealer, like Bernie Mac. I love that Chip is talking full volume in the middle of the market square. Or I guess you could be old guy with briefcase, handcuff to hand, or two brothers. Could you play two brothers? Let's see. Tom, I've always really respected you as a brother. Alan, can't say that I feel the same. I'm sorry, gentlemen.

I'm trying to talk to my friend Spicy Pete here. Have you seen him? Oh, Spicy Pete, was that you? Yeah, that was me. You're going to be perfect. How does 2% of the cut sound? 2%? Hmm. Okay okay now roll a persuasion seven um two percent themed with like a low percent fine what's 100 divided by 11 nine percent ish does that work for you you actually want an even cut roll for persuasion

with advantage this time okay i. I rolled a 19. I'm in. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of

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So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. All right, guys. I only know one great hacker, and it's Jonathan, the dead guard. In our basement? Yeah. Chalice goes over to the other part of the basement where he's at, and she lights a cigarette,

and she leans up against the wall. I bet you weren't expecting to see me again, huh? I got a job for you, Jonathan. We want you back in the game. Just then, his weight shifts against the wall and his head kind of like lolls backwards. Don't be sarcastic with me, Jonathan. I'm serious. It's a job.

And I know that you got a wife and kids that you got to worry about, and you said you had done your last job, Jonathan. We need you. He stares at the floor. Don't be such a pervert, Jonathan. Focus. Jonathan, I'm serious. Are you in? His head lolls forward again in a nod of agreement.

Now come on. Let me drag you over to the other part of the basement. Okay, Seb, who are you recruiting? Well, this isn't going to be easy, guys. And I'm not going to make any friends suggesting this one, but we need an acrobat. We need someone who can fit into small spaces.

And there's only one person that's going to be good for that. And I tap my foot on the ground and that, and I do a little hop and I go, it's the choreographer. Seb, we take you to another rival tavern and inn and the choreographer is seated at a stool drinking a beer. It's me, Seb. I'm in disguise.

Seb, good man. No, no, no. I can't be seen around other bars. Oh, of course, of course. Bad for business. Did you do something crazy with your ears? Wooden pegs now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do something crazy with your ears? Are your ears wooden pegs now?

Yeah, these are hearing pegs. There's little holes down the center of them, and they funnel sound into my brain. Well, they look great, man. They look awesome. You're going to have to speak louder into my peg holes. I'm Seb, And they look great! Oh, Seb, you shouldn't

scream your name at another bar. That's bad for business. Okay, well, alright, let me just cut to the chase. We need someone who can fit into a box and who's willing to help us with one last score. And I think that's you.

Can you do that? Say no more. I'm in. And he starts just pegging up. He was really looking for someone to ask him to do something. Oh, that was... All right, you want to hold hands? Yes.

All right, let's go back. Next up is Beef. Yeah, I know a guy. He lives in the center of town in a deep, deep hole. The local actor, Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt? That guy's absolutely insane. That's why we kept him in that hole.

I don't know if that's a good idea. I think it's time to unleash the pit. Okay, we cut to Beef standing on top of the pit, like just outside of it, looking down into the pit. Okay, we cut to Beef standing on top of the pit, like just outside of it looking down into the pit. Okay, he throws a hot dog down the well.

Yay! Run! You there? You there? Yeah, I'm freaking here. You just throw a hot dog down a well? It's like having sex with my first wife. Am I right?

You're so right. What's up? Um, are you free right now? If you let me out of this f***ing pit, I'm free. Cool. Um, yeah, if I gave you a free lunch, would you hang out with me and do something with me for a couple

hours? Uh, if you can get me out of this pit, I'll do whatever the frick you want. Oh, yeah, that's my pit. That's my guy. Alright, I'm throwing down this wooden ladder. So he raises up the wooden ladder and

outstretches a hand for you to shake. Oh my god, you're hideous! Yeah, baby! Let's do whatever the heck you said I gotta do, and then I'll go do what I gotta do. Oh, I love your do. Let's do it together. How about we do-do? That sounds like a

duet. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And they link arms and they doo-doo-doo down the street together. I really wish you had kept Brad Pitt in that pit, Elizabeth. I'm starting to regret Brad Pitt coming out of that pit. Yeah. We cut to later that night in Bottoms Up's basement. Okay, now that we're all assembled, here's the plan. And in true to the genre fashion, after Jennifer says part of the plan, we'll see how that

objective plays out in real time. So Chalice, you recruited a dead body. I'm still trying to figure out how to use that, but just give me a second. I'm sure I'll figure it out um but for the meantime i'm gonna partner you up with prince jalpert okay okay here's what i need you guys to do chalice and jalpert you'll go into casinos disguised as a high-born elven married couple who's in town on business as famous singers. Got it? Perfect. Well, I could actually, I could do that if Prince Jalpert is like busy or something.

I could actually probably just do that. Hi, new husband. How do you do, new husband? This is my husband. Hey, hello. How are you doing? Oh, so sorry. Chip, I was talking.

I'm sorry. Oh, I thought I would fill in for Jalpert. No? You know, Jennifer, it's okay with me if Chip fills in for me. You know what? No, because that wouldn't make any sense at all that someone like Chalice would settle for a guy like Chip. Just someone who's just so off-putting and kind of gross and dumb. Jennifer, I think that's enough.

I think we get the point. Yeah, and Jalper, I mean, I don't care if you don't care, right? Oh, no. I mean, whatever works best for the heist. Yeah, I'm down. We cut to Chalice and Jalpert after entering Cosimo's, and it's a giant, elegant building that's lavishly furnished. There are dozens of bars and hundreds of tables and games

that populate the large room you've entered. You can see that there are also plenty of hallways and rooms that come off of the main gambling floor that you're on. When you look up, you see that the room is lit by fairies who are on swings suspended from the ceiling. They magically illuminate the room as they gracefully swing back and forth. swing back and forth. You see Mean Martin, the head of security, your mark, posting up by one of the bars surrounded by security guards wearing black suits, wait for it, of armor. Oh. Now the head of security, Mean Martin, is a sucker for status and flattery. Get him drunk and learn the ins and outs of the Cosimo's security, especially

where they keep their gold and valuables. So, Chalice is going to order three fancy drinks and a shot. And she orders a shot, just for her own nerves. And then she takes the shot and then she hands Jalpert

one of the drinks and then she brings the other one over to the guard. And then she starts to talk to him. Hi, I'm here with my new husband, Croissant. We're singers and we accidentally ordered three drinks because we're a little loopy and a little rich. When you have money like we do, something like this is not that big of a deal. Isn't that right, Croissant? Oh, butterfly kisses.

Yes, yes, yes. Ooh, butterfly kisses. And we are riding a little high after one of our performances. We just played a couple local ballrooms, and yes, there's nothing like the high of a great performance. They paid us in chandeliers. Isn't that right, sweetheart? Ah!

Mean Martin looks at you and is just like, that laugh might have been too much for him. Oh, no. Can we help you with something? Oh, my goodness, what a strong man. If I wasn't already married, you... We were wondering if you'd want to have this extra drink and talk about all of the palaces that we've been to with us,

if it isn't too much of a hindrance on your day, sir. Why don't you roll persuasion with advantage because you called him strong? Okay, so 17. Cool. He's like, well, I mean, gentlemen, you got this under control. The other guards nod to him and like, yeah, yeah. And so he's like, all right, I'm going to take five. And he walks you and Jalper back to like a really swanky kind of like closed off area with like a nice table at it

for you guys to sit and drink and converse. You know, me and my husband, Croissant, just love your vibes so much. You just are so wonderful. Tell us your life story. Don't leave anything out. Tell us everything. Wow. I don't know if you've got enough time. I don't have enough time to tell it. Long story short, I was raised

on the hard streets of Fraser and I got sharpened like a knife. Now my senses are unmatched by anyone in this vicinity, and probably in the entire plane. So, that's why I got made head of security here, because I don't miss a thing. Cool!

You know what we were just thinking about? We got paid on our tour in all chandeliers, and we have a palace, and we were like, where would one put their valuables? Where does one hide their valuables? Any advice for people trying to hide gold, where to put it in a vicinity? Well, I'll for sure answer your question, but you had me tell my whole life story,

and I don't know snafu de gando about you. Enlighten me, how did you two young lovers meet? Uh, um, croissant? Oh, um, yes. I believe the two of us, my love, whose name I know, which is Snafu the Gabando. Wait, no. That's not right. He's so funny.

My name is Macaroon. And we saw each other from across a ball. We were at the same ball. And I was like, I want some champagne. And then same ball and i was like i want some champagne and then he thought oh i also want some champagne and we both went to go reach for the same champagne at the same time and it was so funny and when i laid eyes on her i thought to myself um i uh i thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. And he actually gets like genuinely a little teary eyed. Uh oh.

Ah, oh, are my cheeks burning? Oh, I love hearing him tell it. Sweet croissant, let me kiss your nose. Mwah. So that's our story. Snaps him back into the room he's like yeah yeah yeah and then um mean uh martin comes back in oh wow yeah no that's powerful stuff i almost got choked up there um oh and the first question you asked about where you keep valuables well i 'll tell you what one yeah uh where we keep ours is state of the art and ain't nobody ever going to get into where we keep ours.

And it's a pretty incredible situation that we got going on. And I feel confident telling you about it because even if you knew, there ain't nothing you could do to get into it. But it starts with a door. And that door that ultimately leads to our vault where we keep all of our goods and valuables well in order to even get past that first door you're gonna need a key and that key is only carried by three guards who are working here tonight and that's just the beginning and we cut back to jennifer during the plan okay so based on the information that we get from Mean Martin, we know which three guards carry a key.

So Beef, you, and Brad will have to find a creative way to obtain your respective key. We cut to Beef with Brad inside Cosimo's, and what do you want to do? We're wearing fake eyelashes. Ha ha ha! The ultimate disguise. The ultimate disguise.

Fake eyelashes, and we cover those eyelashes with sunglasses. And then also we have cigarettes in between each of our fingers. And we're at a table rolling dice okay do you want to roll for perception to see if you see one of the guards 13 uh based on the descriptions you got um you had a pretty good information so you know that one of the guards is walking down one of the hallways that you can see perfect perfect hey brad brad brad, Brad, Brad, Brad. Yeah? What's up? Okay, we're going to get that guy. You see him?

Clocked him at my 12, your 3. Follow me. I got an idea. You got it. You now are pretty close to the guard who's got his back to you. He's in a black suit of armor walking away from you down a corridor, and there right now doesn't seem to be anybody else walking down a corridor oh oh my heart is this you didn't inform me about this is this part of play along brad oh my heart oh oh sir seems to be having a heart attack over here. Sir, you, you specifically.

Someone else that was kind of nearby from the gambling area comes running to help. No, no, get away. But I'm a doctor. Get the hell away from me. No, I'm a licensed professional. Let me help you. I could care less about who you are and what you do. I get this all the time, all right?

So rolled up in my sock. See, this is a diploma. This I get this all the time, all right? So rolled up in my sock, see, this is a diploma. This is from Tufts University, all right? I have a PhD, all right? So the guard walks over and he goes, there's something going on. How can I help? Yes, actually, and Beef grabs his pant leg.

I, my heart, I forgot my heart medicine in my hotel room. Do you have anything in your pockets that could help? It is so weird that you said, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt you, but I actually have a lot of heart medicine in my pockets right now. Oh my God, this guy, this guy. Yeah, here, just take one of each. It won't do anything bad if it's not yours.

Oh my God. You really are the nicest guy, huh? Yeah, your thanks is not in order. Can I, Sean, I have a way to solve this. Sure. Chalice drops Jonathan in the middle of the casino and goes oh my god i think this man is dead is there a doctor here did somebody say doctor i'm so sorry in terms of triage you're fine just take all of these pills i throw them at beef's face and then i run over oh my god this man

is dead this man is so dead oh i'm gonna'm going to throw up. He's so dead. And Chalice does a little like nod to Jonathan, like good job, buddy. And you can't be sure, but it seems like his hand kind of curls back up, almost giving a thumbs up. Yay. Yay.

We cut back to Beef and Brad in the guard. Oh, my heart. Oh, this is my brother, Spadooga. Spadooga. We're just here passing through. I forgot that I'm lost. Yay. Do you mind pointing out,

and he's climbing up his pant leg with his hands. Do you mind just telling me what direction is. Oh, my God. Is that. Is that Brad Pitt? Are you pointing at Brad? Yeah. And then I'm going.

And then as I say that, I'm putting my hand into his pocket to get the key. Now you can roll for a sleight of hand with advantage since this is really chaotic and strange. It'll be 13. As he's shaking Brad's hand, he feels your hand go into his pocket, and he grabs your wrist. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just giving you a little handshake. Brad punches him in the head and the guard falls to the ground. Oh, Brad, what was that? Guards swarm and grab Brad as he starts tussling and fighting. He's like, I barely touched him. I barely touched him. And they him and i start dragging him i'm gonna get grab the key okay so you steal the key off the unconscious guard no problem but brad is no longer helping anymore and then as you grab it and you walk down the corridor jennifer runs up and goes you got the key yeah i got the key cool i just got all the information from Chalice and Jalpert. And I've been using the heat pipes and chimneys that are all throughout this place to take things from one person to the next.

So I'm going to take this key now. Okay. Great job. Yeah, you're welcome. Brad's gone. Okay. Well, I think that's all we needed him for, so that's good. So we cut back to Jennifer during the plan.

Seb, now what you'll need to do is get past the first door. Go down the hallway and get into the lift, now that you've got the key. You'll need to knock out both of the guards before they can sound the alarm. Now we need to know how many floors there are and which floor is what. And obviously which floor the vault is on.

Now remember, you gotta bring paint and take my recruit with you, Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs. He'll know what to do. Seb lights up in Casimo's, and Jennifer has just ran up onto your shoulder and handed you the key to that first door

that leads ultimately to the vault. So I am against a wall, and I'm wearing a full suit that looks like the wallpaper. And you just see my eyes just open, and I go, let's do this. And then I peel away and I like duck and like kind of weave through like this old couple and stuff like that. And I go to the door and I get in,

I get into it. All right, captain. Yes. You don't have to be a table anymore. And he's like shaped like this wooden table. And then he just gets up onto his two feet and he just kind of like this wooden table and then he just gets up onto his two feet and he just kind of like jogs over to me and then choreographer looks over and he goes

i mean if anyone was going to play a table i feel like i could have done a much better job trust me i wanted you i wanted i don't even know this guy like i don't know him and jennifer goes he's needed elsewhere take captain scurvyppy Howdy Legs. And so then you and Captain walk to that door. Now you probably shouldn't be caught opening it. Do you have a plan or do you just want to roll for stealth? I unzip

my wallpaper onesie to unveil a door onesie. So I just look like a closed door right now. Roll stealth with advantage. Oh, baby. 17. Nice.

You're good. So you and Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs, who I'm just going to call Captain Scurvy from now on. I'd like to veto that. Yeah. I'm with Waleed. I think that was really weird. Everyone gets one veto per episode.

You both use yours. I can't wait to use mine later. You are in the hallway now. With who? With Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs. Yay! You know, based on information that you got earlier from Chalice and Jalpert,

that just around the corner are going to be two guards who work the lift. All right, so I unzip my second onesie. I look like the world's strongest man. I look like Brute Brutus and I am so strong and like scary and hairy on my chest and I'm just panting like a rabid beast

and I go up to these guards and I go, get out of my way and forget you saw me. And I will roll for intimidation. You also remember Jennifer saying, and remember, you'll need to knock them out, like I said, because you'll probably need their clothes. I'm just playing.

How are you guys? Do you guys want to? You guys look like you've been working hard or hardly working. Here's some drinks that have nothing in them. We can retcon this and say that before you had made some drinks and this was always your plan. You'll have to convince them to drink it. So right now you just came down like a security hallway that you're not supposed to be in. And you look like a big hairy buff guy. And you came in screaming. So right now, if you don't do anything else, you're going to roll with disadvantage. I'm the world's strongest man.

But even more than that, I'm a proponent of workers' rights. And you guys, you guys have been working too long. And you deserve this drink. And Captain, want to show them that it's safe by taking a sip? and Captain, want to show them that it's safe by taking a sip? Okay, so Captain Scrooge Holiday Legs does his best to fake taking a sip. He obviously doesn't want to actually ingest any, so he's going to roll for performance.

Okay, you got a 16. They believe it. So then the one guard, they're just staring at you, and the one leans over and goes, Oh, wait. You know what? I think I heard Mean Martin talking about this. It's like an employee appreciation

thing. I think he's some sort of pseudo-celebrity who came here to encourage us. I'm right here. You didn't have to say that to me, but okay. If it means Mean Martin says we can drink on the job, then I'm not going to argue with it. Bottoms up. They clink their drinks.

They down them and they go to hand them back to you. And then as they hand them back, they just comedically tip backwards until, boom, they hit the ground unconscious. So I'm going to unzip my final onesie, and I am completely naked underneath it. I'm going to take that off. I'm going to suggest that Captain do the same thing with his. Of course. And we put him on and mine's really big and Captain's is really, really small. I don't want to switch. I like mine. Me too. I'm not going to ask you to switch. So now Jennifer appears. She comes out of one of the heating pipes and she moves under your shoulder

and says, okay, we're good here, but then I'm going to need to go get Chalice and Jalpert and Beef and we'll start to head to the vault. Jennifer scurries back up the heat pipe. Then we cut back to Jennifer coming out of another heat pipe and running up to Chalice and Jalpert and goes, okay, they're ready for you. That first door is open. It's time to head to the vault. Oh, Beef, Beef, get over here. Yeah, coming. And I roll over.

We cut back to the plan. And then Chip, once we're ready and everyone's headed towards the vault, all that'll stand between us and all the riches you can desire is getting the combination for the safe from mo himself he doesn't carry it on him but only he knows it i have to get him to say the combination at me yeah and just to check the entire plan hinges on this yep and we cut to Chip inside Cosimo's and you see Mo sitting at a booth surrounded by like his constituents.

And Mo is like a giant like hulking like humanoid mole dressed all in like fancy black dress attire. I have Spicy Pete with me. What's up? Follow my lead. Oh, hello. Oh, my gosh. Me and my husband here just got out of a show. Oh.

Remember, Spicy Pete is a fantastic actor. For real? Oh, yes. And what a lovely performance it was. My wife sang like an absolute parakeet. Oh, yes, and what a lovely performance it was. My wife sang like an absolute parakeet. Ah, how fantastic. A tweet, tweet. A tweet, a tweet.

Mo just looks up with you, and you just see he's got, like, shark eyes. And, or mole eyes. They're black. And he is almost unflinching and goes, You want to explain why you're talking to me? Why? Yes. My heart.

Oh, God. My heart. Oh, Jesus Christ. Can you guys take care of this? I have to make preparations. It's my niece's birthday at the end of the week. She's the most important thing in my life. Now handle this. No, no, no. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. She's the most important thing in my life. Now handle this.

No, no, no. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. He's already gone. I look around to identify other moles. Yeah. At his table was like four different other mole men.

Any young mole women? His niece is not there. Okay. What's the date? What you know from deductive reasoning is from like you know what today is and that you know that at the end of the week would be the 15th day of flame rule or the seventh month of the year in the year 1489 or 89 for short. 15789. Excellent. All right, Spicy Pete.

Part two of the plan. And I unzip and now I'm wearing a wallpaper themed suit. And Spicy Pete looks like a little table. And I hop on top of him and ride him to where me and Jennifer had planned to meet for me to give her the combination. So do you have the combo? 15, 7, 89. Yay. Okay.

Awesome. And she heads off. And then what you didn't realize is that Mo, you guys being very sus, had kept an eye on you the whole time and then watched you put on a onesie of the wallpaper and turn into a table. And he just comes up with guards and goes, okay, someone's trying to break into the vault. Let's head there now and see who it is. And guess what? You're coming with us, pal. Oh, shit.

We hit a snafu de gondo. food to Gondo. Everyone who is supposed to be here right now is here. Where's Brad Pitt? Oh, don't worry about it. Alright, we're going to the vault. Everything's going great. It's great. Jalbert senses that you're kind of like stressed out and just like squeezes

your hand a little bit. You guys were holding hands in character. Oh, also i meant to say you are incredible like such a good actor beef you should see this guy like he was so convincing as my husband like i like like the reality of it i kept getting like confused it was just so good he's amazing well joppa maybe you should be part of the crew moving forward veto oh should. Oh, should I use mine? Yeah, that's right. And then, okay, so then now you guys have walked and you've arrived at the lift and there are two guards there and you're pretty

taken aback because guards mean bad. Anybody hungry? Hey, boys. Hot dogs? Hot dogs? Hot dogs. They turn around and the guards are, to your surprise, Seb and Captain Holiday Scurvylegs. Oh, thank God.

Thank God. Oh, my God. I've never been happier to see you, Seb. I had no hot dogs on me. Brad Pitt ate the rest. Hey, guys. What's up? Not much.

You look great. You look so good. Yeah, I look really cool with this giant uniform on me. And he looks, speaking of hot dogs, this captain looks like a bunch of cased meat in those tight ones that he's got on. Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs puts his paintbrush away, does a little spin for you, and then is like,

there's not much time to waste. Get in, let's go. We know which floor the vault is on. Oh my gosh. Okay, okay, okay, we're running. Jeez. They get in, and. We're running. Jeez. They get in and then Captain Scribby

holiday legs, I have to say it every time, he takes the lever and he puts it into the right position that is 3B. You see that there's like four different levels to it

and he puts it into 3B and so then the lift starts to move and then uh captain scurvy holiday legs is like yeah so the uh the vault is on the third floor the others are well i guess it doesn't really matter what the others are but the fourth one at the very bottom that's just you know for sewage and uh other pipes and such the elevator doors open on the third floor and you guys walk out um and the vault right there with like the huge locking mechanism on the front is all that stands between you and um the gold and then at that moment jennifer Jennifer comes out of a pipe and says,

Okay, the combination is 15, 7, 89. Got it? Good. Got it. Got it. What? Calus is putting it in. 69?

Nope, don't. 69, 69, 69. No, stop saying 69. 69. The door creaks open for you, and it is, in fact, the vault. And there's a ton of gold in there, as well as the painting that Jennifer had been talking about earlier. Oh, my God. There's so much gold.

We can swim in it like shrimp. Beef did like a Scrooge McDuff dive into the gold. Yes, I did. I'm backstroking through the gold. Yes, I did. I'm backstroking through the gold. We cut back to Mo, Chip, and the security guards, and they enter the door to the hallway and walk towards the lift to get in. The lift isn't there right now. And so they ring a bell that signifies that they're calling for the lift. Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs is like, all right, time to go get them. And he ushers Seb back into the lift and he goes, just trust me. Back to Jennifer in the plan. And this is

where things really get interesting. If the plan unfolds like I hope it will, while Seb and Captain Scrooge Holiday Legs are in the elevator, what they're going to be able to do is repaint the numbers so that instead of the third floor where the vault actually is, they paint a three over the entrance to the basement sewage part. And that is where Captain Scravy Holiday Legs comes in. and that is where Captain Scrappy Holiday Legs comes in. If you guys recall, he has the ability to turn a room into an escape room.

And since he can make his escape room look like whatever he wants, he's going to make it look exactly like the vault on the third floor. When Moe inevitably comes down to check it out, he'll actually be on the sewer room instead of the vault room thinking that he's in the vault. That is, if Seb's able to distract him while they're going down. Do whatever it takes to take their attention

off of the elevator ride while they're on it, okay? Got it. I can do that. In the lift, Captain Scurvy pushes the lever and the door opens and then Mo, Chip, Spicy Pete, and the security guards get in. Mo says,

Level 3B, the vault, and make it fast. And Captain Scurvy moves the lever, puts it in position, and the lift starts moving. You guys want to see some yo-yo tricks? Oh my gosh, yes. We all, who doesn't some yo-yo tricks? Oh my gosh, yes. We all, who doesn't

love yo-yo tricks? That sounds like fun. That's one. All I need is a second. Hey, big man, what about you? What do you think? What are you, new? You new here? You know not to talk to me. Don't you look at me and don't you talk to me. Sorry. Spicy Pete, say yes. Say what?

Just say yes. Just second it that he'll start doing yo-yo tricks uh i'm getting nervous um every morning there's a halo hanging from one of the security guards punches spicy pete right in the stomach and that that that guard is me and i go how dare you upstage me when i'm about to do yo-yo tricks? How dare you? And I grapple. Oh, my God. Okay.

Roll for performance with advantage because that's amazing. That is so fucking funny. And that guard is me. I'm done. And that guard is me. And that guard is me. I am rolling so good. I got a freaking 19 minus one, so 18.

Okay, so Moe is effectively distracted, and all of a sudden the elevator stops at the vault door, and he moves into the vault. There's all that treasure, just like we saw in the scene previously. The only thing that's not there is the gang, your friends, Seb, your crew. only thing that's not there is the gang, your friends, Seb, you know, your crew. And Mo walks around the vault and he's silent and he like nods to himself and he goes, something's up. Detain these two, make sure they don't leave. And also make sure nobody uses this lift. I'm staying here and making sure nobody comes in or out. Now we cut back in real time to the gang in the vault. Mo isn't in

the vault that you're in. You hear the lift arrive again at your level and the doors open. You see that it's Seb, Captain Scribby, Holiday Legs, and Chip. I eat as much gold as I can. Did you say eat? I said I eat as much gold as I possibly can can i unzip my onesie that was just looked like my normal clothes but was a onesie and it's the wallpaper suit and i fill that to the brim with coins chip's just shaking his head going you guys are gonna get caught and he just keeps scarfing down gold. I go over to a manila folder and I open it and it's filled with 25% stock options in Budrucker's bar. Jennifer runs out, grabs the painting of her parents and heads back for the lift. And then you start riding it back up. And once it gets to the main floor again, what do you guys want to do? I think that we all sort of put sunglasses on

and then walk in different directions. Like we all don't know each other. Like everyone's sort of scattered. Yes. Yeah. I unzip my onesie that looks like my skin and it is just a tuxedo. Incredible.

And Chip is so sick. He's like, oh my gosh, I'm eating so much gold. And Chalice is still holding Jalpert's hand. You guys all split up with your takes and you all end up at bottoms up. And we cut to Jennifer standing on the table as you guys dump out all the gold and valuables. Amazing. I can't believe we pulled it off. This is the best crew in the world. Okay. Now, let me divvy this up. A couple hours later, you see a huge pile of gold, pretty much everything, set to one side. And then on the table, all that's left is 10 gold pieces.

So here's everyone's take. And she hands one of the gold pieces to everyone in the crew. Um, snafu de gondo. What the heck's going on here? Yeah, so this is everyone's cut after I deducted what I owed to the casino. Oh. Oh. Oh my god, you were in a lot of trouble. They'll still kill me if I don't settle my debts.

So I'm going to have to wheelbarrow this over there or something. Okay. Let us, if you don't mind, we're actually going to discuss whether or not we're okay with you dying. Better not. The workplace will be hostile. Okay. You guys got to make up your mind because I am strapping her to a brick right now. All right.

And just then, Mo walks down the steps of Bottoms Up with a bunch of security guards and goes, yeah, just as I thought. Alright, grab the gold. And then the security guards go, what about them? Should we kill them? And then he looks at Jennifer and goes,

what do you think? And she goes, well, well, well, how the tables have turned. Now, these are my friends. Jennifer, I want you to know we're square now. And in fact, I'd like to make you an offer. I'd love to have you come and be a security consultant for the casino. What do you say?

I'll have to talk it over with my crew. And put your hands on you guys and he goes alright boys grab the gold let's get out of here and he heads out and then you hear a rustling from a drawer out shoves the choreographer did we do it?

yeah we could have used a table. This week on the Patreon, we get to hear Beef's interview at Bottoms Up with Seb and Chip. Head over to patreon.com slash sitcom D&D to check it out. Have a great week sitcom dnd is comprised of elizabeth andrews ben briggs aaron keefe waleed mansour and me sean coyle harney parrot wrote the theme song and sean maher did the editing on this one if you've been enjoying the show please rate and review us on apple itunes and anywhere that allows you to do that. Also, I think the best way to spread the word is word of mouth. So recommend us to your friends who like weird shit, if you think they'd like it. I think that's it for now.

Until next week, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.