SitcomD&D - S1 E21: The Puppet King, Part 1

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

(*GASPS LOUDLY*) The stakes could not be any higher for Chip, Chalice, Seb, and Beef in the first part of our SEASON ONE FINALE.  Someone could die, someone could cry, Beef could fart just bad enough in a closet to make a bunch of people mad... it is that kind of big stakes. Not sure what else can be said, other than every roll and every action are HUGE in this episode. Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. There's actually something I've wanted to do. I always get a LaCroix before every recording, and I decided to wait to open it. Thank you. For you guys. Thank you. Are we ready?

Elizabeth, crack this episode open. Whoa. Very nice. Yeah, baby. That was her skull. Can you believe it? I just cracked open my head, man. You really struggled with head.

I could not think of any word that I needed in that moment. I think my new favorite quote from Ben is, you really struggled with head. Just a nice, genuine worried about me. Today's episode begins in Bottoms Up, where you're all crowded around the bar at the end of the night. You're wrapping up a conversation about your respective families, and we'll pick up there. Now quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Nice! speeding and we're rolling Dice!

Nice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling

absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice glass elizabeth andrews as beef waleed mansour as chip ahoy ben briggs as sebastian von hugh grant and sean coyle as everything else sitcom dnd is filmed in front of a fake studio audience so, what's your sibling situation again? Well, I got the, well, there's a little crazy ass. There's a little insane butt. And then there's Amanda.

And those are my siblings. Oh, nice. We're all very, very different. All three of them are hell incarnate, just like real demon people, kind of born from some sort of lightning hitting something. Do you guys, are you all close? Do you guys still talk? No.

Oh. Is Amanda still married? I don't like how you asked that. Chip, do you have a crush on your best friend's sister? What? That's a little basic. Ew, no. Ew.

Also, she sounds terrible. She's terrible, right, Seb? She's a war basic Ew, no Ew Also, she sounds terrible She's terrible, right, Seb? She's a war criminal, dude Yeah, she's mean to you and to, you know, politicians, but Not politicians, whole swaths of land She's hated by gnomes everywhere Yeah, but who owns that land? Politicians Gnomes, I just said gnomes

More tea, everybody? Oh, yeah. Four sugars for me, please. So no tea, just four sugars? Yes, please. I'll take some tea, Chalice. And that's Jalpert. Oh, yeah.

You don't have to keep introducing yourself, Jalpert. You've been here a while. It's sweet that you do that. Well, everyone kind of talked about their families. Not that I really want to, but... No, you can go into it if you want. I guess you can. No, you go ahead. You know, you can, you get to wear the hat. It's your turn to wear the hat. It's your turn to speak. Here, hand him the hat. Sab, give him the hat. I am taking off. Sab, give him the hat. I'm taking off the conversation crown

and I'm passing it to you. Oh, well, it's been a little while since I've worn a crown. Oh, well, it's been a little while since I've worn a crown. You guys know I was a prince. Yeah. Yeah, okay. You also don't have to keep saying that either. Well, I was born a prince from a neighboring wood elf kingdom called Two Tree Hill, named after the two enormous ancient pines that break up the wooded skyline off to the west.

Beautiful area. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hoping to get some land out there soon. So naturally, you know, my mom and dad were king and queen of Two Tree Hill. Some of you guys might not know about me. I'm a triplet. I'm third in line. I didn't know that!

Did you guys know that? I didn't know that! No, I didn't know that either. Are you about to say you're third in line of the three triplets? Yeah, I'm third in line of the throne since I came out last. Oh. Yeah, my father always said that I actually could have used another year inside my mother to fully cook, as he puts it. Weird.

He said I came out very sickly and malnourished. Apparently, my brothers bogarted most of the nutrients in the womb, which is... Brothers. That totally checks out, so that's why you look like that. Chip, don't be a war criminal. Come on.

Don't be a war criminal, Chip. You're being a war criminal right now. I mean, this is all a nicer way to say that my brothers tried to eat me in the womb. And then Jalpert pulls down part of his tunic and you can see a crescent moon-shaped scar on his shoulder. Whoa. Cool scar. Can you be touchy? Yeah. Just look at him. Oh, touchy-touchy. Wow. And you know, to be honest, I think my father always wished they had eaten me. He pretty much

despised my weakness from day one, so. He does not sound very cool or very nice. And you are very strong now. Yeah, you feel like a bag full of ropes. I'm touchy right now. And oh my God, you are like a bunch of anacondas just rolled up together. Just look at this. He is, yeah. No, Chip, feel this.

Feel how hard. It's like river stones. Chip, get over here. I choose not to. I choose not to. I choose not to. I'll touch my own scars. This guy's arms are like 10-pound crates, and I'm the milk. Chip, why are you rubbing your own muscles?

Well, because they're big and huge and strong, and I just, you know. Not like this, dude. You have to feel it. Like, all right, all right. I'm touching both at the same time. Uh-huh. Yeah. Soften butter.

His, yep. The hardest freaking piece of concrete you've ever felt. Now, you said those things while touching the opposite arms. Is that right? You said hard when you were talking about mine, even though you said soft when you were touching mine? So your father passed away? Did you kill him?

No, Chip. No, no, my parents are both dead, unfortunately. Dude, you killed your mom? That's nuts. Chip, are you okay? What are you talking about? Chip, let him finish his story. Come on.

Are you wearing the conversation crown? I don't think so, buddy. I haven't even gotten the crown. Everybody has gotten at least two turns with the crown. I don't know why I'm not getting this crown. Here, I'll wrap it up. Oh, no. What else is there to say? You know, my older brothers,

you know, they've been jockeying for the throne since we were born, but you know, I haven't really wanted anything to do with it. Haven't wanted to wear any type of crown since I was eight when I, um... Well, we don't need to get into that. No, no, no.

I am hanging on your every word. eight when I, um, well, we don't, we don't need to get into that. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am hanging on your every word. Okay. My mom, the queen, she allowed each of us kids to make one royal decree on our eighth birthday. Oh, and, um, we cut back to Jalpert as a kid proclaiming to an audience of hundreds of wood elves. as a kid proclaiming to an audience of hundreds of wood elves. From this day forward, the way that every kid will get to school is by flying on dragons.

And then it cuts back to real time. I was a kid. I thought it would be cool if dragons took us to school. I didn't think that... That's so cute. On the first day, 52 children were eaten by dragons. Oh. Oh.

They had eight-year-olds making rules. This is no surprise. Yeah, I mean, that's on them. That's not on you. For real. I'm saying this just out of empathy, telling you that I can relate,

not trying to overshadow what you did, but I started a fire on my 16th birthday that killed, like, so many so many people yeah I was there my birthday party yeah you were there so like I'm just saying like we all when we were royalty fucked up in our own ways so like that's not your fault you're you had just a big imagination that's not your fault yeah but isn't that kind of the thing it's just too much power too much ability to hurt other people I, I never plan on making another royal decision again.

Yes. I'll tell you that much. Well, it kind of sounds like you didn't really have a chance because you were third in line anyway, so. It's not really that big a deal that you gave up your crown. Chip, why are you doing push-ups?

From across the bar, you hear, Prince Jalpert! Oh my God, it's you! And then an older, stately high elf with long gray hair hugs Jalpert! Oh my god, it's you! And then an older, stately high elf with long gray hair hugs Jalpert from behind. Jalpert goes... Very specific. Let's just say he hugs him, okay?

We don't even know where his bodies are. No, he hugs him from behind. You chose that on purpose. I'm sitting at the table. I don't know. It's Canada. You chose that on purpose. I'm sitting at the table.

Hi, Counselor Dwoot. What are you doing all the way out here? Seb, can we get this man a drink and put it on my tab? Yeah, of course, of course. What are you drinking? We have wine. We have wine with blood in it. We have- Oh, my God.

Anything. Jalpert, you're alive. Okay, he said anything. Beef, you want to help me with this? Yeah, I'll get the ladder. Yeah, okay. This is going to take a while. Well, Drute, Drute, what are you talking about?

Of course I'm alive. And you haven't answered my question. Well, I've been looking for you. After your brother died, I got so worried. And Jalpert's face goes ashen. Oh, oh, you didn't know. I'm so sorry, Jalpert's face goes ashen oh oh you didn't know I'm so sorry Jalpert and Jalpert looks back up

which uh which one of my brothers died it was Talpert I'm laughing it was Aaron Chalice is not laughing did he get eaten by his other brother yeah how did he die yeah that's what I asked,

basically. Is there somewhere safer we can talk? We're going to cut to you guys are all circled around a table downstairs. Seb and Beef, do you guys come back with a drink? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, we got invited to the safer talk? Yeah. We're all crowded yeah. Wait, we got invited to the Safer Talk? Yeah. We're all crowded around. Okay, we tried a lot of stuff. This is just kind of one of everything in the bar. One drip drop of everything.

We call it a suicide. Drew takes a long drink from his tankard and stares off into the distance. What I'm about to tell you is difficult to hear. I believe that Palpert killed your eldest brother, Talpert. He ate him.

But anyone who even whispers such an accusation in the court at Two Tree Hill has been dealt with. I ran away before they came for me. It was only a matter of time. And I ran to your winery to warn you that he might send someone after you next, but it was too late. I feared the worst and was drinking away my sorrows here

and thought you dead. And that's why I was getting drunk at this crap hole of a tavern when I heard your voice. Don't invite us to this talk

if you're going to behave like that. No one told you to come in here. You did it on your own. I'm just so happy you're alive. And then he hugs Jalpert from behind. Stop doing that.

This guy ate his brother and now he's eating anybody that spills the beans on him? No, no, no, no. I believe that it was something much more dastardly, something that wouldn't be so obvious to the people of Two Tree Hill.

Now here's the deal. We don't know the answers, which is why... Well, Jalpert, I'm so happy to see you, because someone needs to infiltrate Two Tree Hill and expose Palpert for killing Talpert before his coronation, or else he's going to ascend to the throne and commit unspeakable atrocities, including, but not limited to, declaring war on the kingdom of Frasier.

That's where we live. Oh, Beef, you're right. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I volunteer. No. I volunteer. You volunteer?

Yes, I shall infiltrate like the hero that I am and stop this guy. Why are you talking different? No, tis not I talk differently. Am I going crazy, you guys? No, you're right, Seb. He's acting really weird. And he's standing on his tippy toes. I shall stop this man from eating anybody else.

Jalper walks up to you, Chip, stares at you, and then quickly hugs you from behind. And says, thank you so much it means the world to me that you would i mean potentially risk your life wait what to help fix this situation i just i'm overcome with emotion it's as i i'd really consider you a true friendship chal, are you okay? Oh my gosh. And Chalice is like giving him like a really good hug. You're being so brave right now.

A really good hug. He's being brave? He's being so brave. I'm so sorry about your brother. I'm so sorry. What the heck? I'm not going to believe that that Palpert is capable of something like this until it's proven to me

and I guess that's what we're setting out to do but yeah, I just appreciate you guys so I guess Chip and I will have to head to Two Tree Hill and then Dwute chimes back in Security at Two Tree Hill has And then Dwute chimes back in. Security at Two Tree Hill has quadrupled since you left. It is impossible to sneak in. The only people able to enter

Two Tree Hill for the coronation are those whose names are written down on the court-recognized guest list. And there's no way to get added to the guest list. And there's no way to get added to the guest list. Unless... Of course!

There's an entertainment competition taking place tonight. The winner will be paid 100 gold pieces to perform. Any guesses where? At the coronation. Yeah, at the coronation. You guys couldn't guess it?

I mean, we sort of, yeah. It was kind of an ellipsis. Didn't even have a word in my head. What if we, I don't know, go together? Beef, you're an incredible performer. I feel like we could do something. Oh, well, thanks, Chalice. I don't know.

Jalper, do you feel okay going? Do you want to wait here? You're being so brave. I mean, I'm just overcome right now. Well, obviously, it's a loss of a family member, but really, I didn't expect you guys to... I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional. Oh, boy.

Want to help me like this. I mean, I know Frasier's at stake, too, but... Do you want us to turn around while you're getting emotional? No, I don't want to. Yeah, this is pretty embarrassing for you, buddy. Do you want me to hug you from behind? I keep seeing people getting hugged from behind. Would that

help you? It wouldn't hurt. Alright, everyone hug Jalpert from behind. Yeah, let's just make a little centipede of it. Let's go. Come on, everyone. I grab him, you grab me. Okay. I'm grabbing Seb, who's got my back. Yeah, Chip, get his back. Yeah, I got beef.

I got beef. I'm squatting down. Actually, Chip, why don't you come up here? You get, you get. Yeah, you get out, Jalpert. Me? Chip? Yeah, and I'll hug him from the front.

So it's me hugging him from the front, and then it's you, Chip. And then it's Seb, and then it's beef. Perfect. Oh, my God. This is nice. We should get a photo. Right in between Chip and Chalice. Right where I want to be. Yeah. Oh should get a photo. Right in between Chip and Chalice. Right where I want to be.

Yeah. Wait a second. To my closest friends so quickly. And then Drute chimes back in. Okay, if this is something we're going to do, we'll have to move quickly. The Westwood is quite some distance from here. I'm sorry, buddy. Were you in the centipede hug?

No, I wasn't asked to. I'm sorry. we're new friends and i felt maybe i would have to get an invite that was nice of you to stand politely off to the side while we did all of that agreed yes but let's go we got i mean i'm not going i think everyone i think everyone they were all going i'm going yeah we're competing in this competition because even though i volunteered there really was no way to get in by myself. So I guess we have to do this thing. Yeah, thanks.

Pretty brave, right? Yeah. Crickets. Beef, stop saying crickets every time I say something like that. Crickets with an eye roll. Because here's the thing. Seb actually said something, so there wasn't crickets, okay? Crickets.

You all travel into the Westwood, and you eventually come to an enormous clearing in the woods. And in that clearing stands the outdoor theater known as The Round. As you enter, you see that several thousand people are finding

their seats. The Round has stone bench, coliseum seating all the way around where attendees are looking down at a large, dark hole in the middle of the arena where the stage should be. You see a wood elf sitting behind a counter and it looks like they may have something to do with the show.

And we'll pick up there. Chalice is going to go up and talk to them, but we're going to be like in disguises, right? That's up to you guys. So Chalice packed everyone in disguise. That's so nice. She has a huge trunk in her room filled with all sorts of wigs and such.

And they all sort of have like these matching bob wigs with like straight across bangs and harsh bobs. And she's going to go up to the elf. Can I help you? Hey, my name is Banana and I would like to sign up or figure out how to. You want to sign up for tonight? Oh no, I'm already signed up oh it should be under it's already signed in oh then it should be under and then can she can i roll for perception

to see if i can like read a name upside down sure sure seven dang cool yeah you can't make out any names on the list and then she the person behind the desk shuffles the papers this is the finals you can't just enter into the finals it's too late to sign up you would have we're already entered okay okay who what do you think my name is that's on your list banana no no no the person who i represent what who do you think my name is that's on your list? Banana. No, no, no. The person who I represent. Who do you think it is? That's fine. It's a guessing game.

Who do you think I am based on people who haven't signed it? I'm going to make this really, really short. You would have had to already qualify from one of our regional shows. All the slots are taken. They were determined weeks ago. You can find a seat up in the nosebleeds with the rest of the trash. And then it puts down like a window really hard in front of you. And...

Um, rude. You can't talk to banana like that. Hey! Where are the acts? Is there a green room? What do we got around here? Drute calls you over to like huddle up. Okay, now we do the huddle?

You guys let me swing like that and now we huddle up? Yeah, well, you were walking with such confidence, Chalice. I mean, you just made a beeline. No one got here and you just ran there. Actually, a number of us screamed out your name to stop and Beef actually grabbed your arm and you ripped your hand away. And you said, no, I've got this. Huh?

Yeah. No. Yeah, it was pretty rude, but we trusted you. Yeah. Now here's the thing though. I mean, Chalice had the right idea. If it's too late for us to sign up, it looks like we'll already have to be signed up. I get you. I get you, my man. We'll have to do something where we, you know, dispose of one of the acts and perform and win as them. Wait. Does that make sense?

Chalice said that we should kill a band? Hold on. That was Chalice's idea? I said that. No, I'm pretty sure that came out of Chalice. That's the way I remember it. I said that. I said, where are the other acts?

That was me. In other words, we'll have to pick an act to steal. Chip, do you get it? Yeah, I'm brave and I said it actually. I was the one that said it, so I'm brave. Don't say crickets, beef. Crick. Crick. Crickets. Drute, you see him

waving you guys towards like a stairwell. Do you guys want to follow him down? Yeah, I'm pissed, but I follow. Yeah. Cool. So Drute leads you down stone steps to the backstage area, which is actually in the underbelly of the round. And this is where you can see all the different acts warming up and getting ready to go on.

You can tell that the stage is attached to a pulley system so that when the next act is ready, they walk onto the stage, and then the stage gets pulled up and presented to the audience. Cool. Cool. Cool. I'd like to, like, identify a running order or something.

Yeah, a wood elf with a clipboard yells, 15 minutes until showtime, people. Remember your order. I don't want to have to come find you. Well, that's a fun voice. We got to talk to them. I hope that guy has to talk more. Okay, so which act are you guys going to try and steal?

What are the options? Okay. You guys, we have to pick something that we could actually do and that we won't die doing. Okay? So let's keep in mind some safety, our abilities. Beef, maybe if you're really great at something, think about your skills and how we can be plugged into another act. I'll start thinking about my skills. Yeah, good.

I love that. Okay. If you guys want to roll for perception, you can see the different acts that are warming up. I rolled a zero. How does that check? What do I see? Your blonde wig now shifted down to become kind of a Sia wig,

and you're blind right now. I can't Sia anything? You can't Sia anything. That's right. Okay. I can't see anything. You can't see anything. That's right. Okay. I rolled a six. Okay. That'll do it.

Right, Sean? Uh-huh. I rolled a 13. I rolled a 17. Nice. Okay. Okay. So Seb can see that the following groups are getting warmed up.

One seems to be a pretty talented band of singers and musicians. Another group seems to be like an acrobatics, trapeze, and juggler troupe. Another group seems to be getting ready to do an elaborate puppet show. The next group looks like they are exotic animal tamers. And then the final group looks like they are exotic animal tamers and then the final group looks like they are a jousting and knighthood show and those are the five so then jelper goes okay i think like you guys were like we were saying like like chalice was saying i mean i just i'm just echoing you chalice is embarrassing. But we need to think about what we're talented as, so like, what we could actually win this thing as

if we stole it. And you know, how easily we could take them out or dispose of them, I guess. Okay, guys. We gotta do puppets. Yeah, I have a confession. I am an award-winning acrobatic. Olympian.

Beef! an award winning acrobatic Olympian. Before I say this next thing. But I'm happy to do puppets. I'm actually a world famous puppet. So not to stage you, but just. I think you are. I think you are.

I've never done it before, but I think I would be a world famous animal tamer. never done it before, but I think I would be a world famous animal tamer. Never done it before, but I have that sort of blind royal confidence. I can see you doing that, Chalice. Right? Yeah, you got that vibe. Animals like you.

Sticking a chair in a bugbear's face. I can see it. You say a bugbear? Yeah, a bugbear. What's bugbear? It is what it is. Half bug, half bear. Well, here's my take.

I feel like we actually would be pretty good at the knighthood and jousting stuff, but I feel like it might be hard to take those guys down. Yeah, fair. And actually, it might be the same thing with acrobatics. Well, I don't know. Those puppet people look vicious. You look over, and for some some reason they're sharpening knives. It's kind of, you know, like the, to like theater kids at school.

Yeah, I think there could be a lot of humor in us potentially losing to the puppet show people. So I think that that's the way we got to go. Yeah, guys, got to tell you, when I studied theater at a... Every time you tell us where you went, I believe you a little bit less. In my years of fooliard studying, I've learned the puppetry. Those puppet guys, those are freaky freakies. So I think our best shot is to do them. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in. Jalper? Yeah.

Okay. I'm game if you guys are. What's the plan? How are we going to get into their costume and make sure that we're the ones that get on stage and not them? Rush them on three. One, two... In front of everyone? Okay, sorry. I won't say it. I won't say it. Hold on, hold on.

That was a real chalice move So glad I don't have that royal confidence You guys can't let me do that Is there a back room somewhere? So there's like There's a bunch of different rooms Like kind of coming off of this

There's different like equipment in there And things like that And stables and things like that And it's a really big like backstage area like a huge hangar almost and then people have like their big um carriages like with like their traveling groups so like their horses have like big carriages attached to them um that like people um sleep in who are traveling performers. So there's almost like small little, very small town of traveling performers

is like pretty much set up in this area. So we got to like lure them somehow. And then I think we should try and avoid murdering these people. I know that's very off chip. I'm going to use my one veto. I don't think we should take that off the table. I really don't.

I'm going to use my one. I'm sorry, Tim we should take that off the table. I really don't. I'm going to use my one. I'm sorry, Tim. Good use of veto. No, good use of veto. To keep murder on the table. It's always an option. Yeah. I'd like to grab a clipboard and pretend like I'm running the show.

Beef, yes. Yes. Yeah. This is really good. And I'm directing people left and right. And it's like I was born to do this. It's like event planning, like, freaking coming to me naturally. And I go up to these puppet freaks.

And I say, hey, guys, you're on deck. And it looks like a change of plans. We're actually having everybody that's on deck meet in the utility closet right over here um i thought we were supposed to go last we were told that we were slotted last yeah that means you're on deck a theater is always changing terminology is always evolving uh please just get in the utility closet we'll get get you when needed. Okay, roll for persuasion. Are you sure? Or deception.

Okay. Oh, God, you guys. Woo! Come on! 19! Yay! I knew it! Your deception's probably pretty good, too.

What's your deception? My deception is plus five. Wow. So you rolled a 24. So the guy goes, I don't know. Go in the utility closet. I mean, I don't know. And then all of a sudden, in your view, a puppet slowly raises up, and it's on his hand.

And he goes, why are you giving the guy a hard time? Let's get in the utility closet. Come on, let's go. Your friend seems nice. Get on in there. Come on, fellas. We got to go. Your friend seems nice. Get on in there. Come on, fellas. We got to go. It's showtime.

And then the puppet yells at all the other people in the troop, and they start following you, Beef, and you lead them into the closet. I turn around and wink at my fellow bowl cuts. And we go, we should have been waiting in the closet. We need to go over plans more thoroughly. Okay, guys, what do you think? Are we stealing their puppets or are we pretending to be each other's puppets? You know what? It looks like they took all the puppets in there.

So we got to lock them in there. And it looks like we got to pretend to be each other's puppets. Are you guys opposed to me coming out with the puppets? And it's because I let out a fart and everyone passed out in there. I'm not opposed to it. No. Wait, let's let Beef try that. And if that doesn't work, we'll do my plan.

Yeah, Beef, go ahead. That's a good idea. Go ahead and try and knock them all out with one of your farts. Excellent, excellent plan. Okay. We cut to the closet with Beef and the entirety of the puppet troupe, and there is an awkward silence where they're looking at you waiting for new instructions. So what now?

Actually, and I press my finger up to my ear, I'm getting some instructions from the main people upstairs. It looks like... Why are you touching your ear? I just need to... He's about to fart. Do I fart and then I roll? Yeah, fart and roll to see how deadly it is.

It's just a 10. Okay. So, Beef farts and then it seems like Beef is just waiting to see how it affects everyone. It's just bad, but not enough. And it's just bad, but not enough.

No! That's so embarrassing. You farted. Why did you do that? We're in really close quarters. Why did you fart like that? It smells horrible. And they also are going to leave because you just farted in there. My apologies. Please don't open the door. They're pushing past you to get out

because they don't want to be trapped with your fart. It's my first day. And I just I need to make my mom proud. She said I was going to muck it all up and mess it all up. Don't you guys want to just hang out? Oh man. Okay. said I was gonna muck it all up and mess it all up don't you guys want to don't you guys want to just hang out oh man okay yeah you say it's your first day and you're and they can tell you're really overwhelmed and you and you start tearing up and so why don't you roll persuasion okay okay

dang beef's been in there a long time what the heck's going on in there yeah maybe we should just go with the second plan. Yeah. I think we should just go with... Let's just go with challenges. Maybe beef pass out from their own farm. Eight. Okay. They're still, like, going to, like, push past you to, like, get out. So we'll cut to what you guys are doing

outside of the closet. We all have our weapons drawn. Still outside? Yeah, right outside, we have, like, our weapon... I have the battle axe out, just, like, right outside we have like a weapon. I have the battle axe out just like in case something were to go wrong.

Okay. You notice some people who are walking by outside are kind of like eyeing you suspiciously. Hey, what's up? What's up? What are you looking at?

We're just puppeteers. Just normal puppeteers doing normal puppet stuff. They nod and keep walking by and just then the door opens and it's the puppet troupe. It looks like they're about to come out. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's against the rules.

Are you breaking the rules? Don't. Hi, I'm a police officer and you're arrested. And you have to go to jail, which is conveniently also that closet. Oh, God, beef. That smells so bad. It wasn't enough, though. Oh, no.

Hey, what's going on here? We got a show to do. You guys are getting in our way. No, we're not. We're not, actually. We're not getting in your way. Back in the closet. They go to walk past you guys now.

You're going to be disqualified from the competition and you are favored to win. I heard in the audience that you were favored to win. It would be so sad if we had to disqualify you. Wait, who are you guys? You don't have clipboards. You just have weird wigs on. We're?

We're the news publication. We're critics. What do you mean you don't know who we are? I thought you were a police officer. We're undercover. I start pushing them back in. This is going horribly. I start trying to just push them back in the closet

and lock it. Hey, what do you mean it was going horribly? I don't know what you're meaning. This is going badly. This is not going well. Oh. I think the wigs are also making this worse. Okay, we're going to do a strength check against the puppeteers now.

Are you guys all pushing on one side of Chip's axe that he's holding sideways? And then I'll do a combined effort from the puppeteers as well. Cool. So just Chip, you'll have advantage with everyone else's help. Well, good, because I'll need it. Oh. So just chip, you'll have advantage with everyone else's help. Well, good, because I'll need it. Oh, God. Okay, 13.

They rolled a five and a three. Yes. Thank God. They're puppeteers. They're not super strong. That's fair. You know,

that's not normal. Excuse me? They use their puppet arms all day, Sean. Yeah, you don't know that. Their fingers, specifically the ones, the muscles that are involved when you move your thumb away from your forefingers,

that muscle's really strong. But other than that, they're pretty weak. They start screaming, though, as, you know, you're pushing them back in. What the heck? Help! Help! Help! I need somebody.

Help! We're just all singing. We're quiet. Jalpert puts his hand over the puppet's mouth and realizes that that doesn't do anything. So you successfully push them back into the room. Are you coming into the room with them or closing the door once they're all in there?

Closing the door. We should have done this in the first place when I got them in the room. We don't got time. Yeah, we don't have time for me to go in there with them. Yeah, tying it off. Whatever we can do to stop this door, them from getting out of this thing. Okay, cool.

Well, yeah. You got to come up with something to keep that door shut. Is there a chair around or like an entire bookcase? Use your axe. Oh, yeah. Use your axe. My axe? Use your axe.

Under the handle. Yeah. Come on, man. You can just part with it for a few hours, right, Chip? But what if somebody takes it? It's going to be jammed. It's jammed in the door. Come on, man. You can just part with it for a few hours, right, Chip? But what if somebody takes it? It's gonna be jammed. It's jammed in the door. It's jammed. They'll try. Right, Jalpert? Yeah, I think it's a pretty good idea. Thanks, Jalpert.

Really good idea, Jalpert. That was my idea. Oh, sorry. It's my axe! Fine. Okay. No, I'll put it under. But if I lose it, you guys are going to have to get me a party or something?

You want a party if you lose? You don't even want us to replace it? You want us to throw you a party? Yeah. Okay. Easy. This axe is irreplaceable. So, yeah. A party would be nice. I would love to maybe one time get a really involved backstory

about why this axe is so important to you, but we don't have time today. We don't have time. Yeah, I know. Yeah, we really don't have time for that. Maybe a whole episode about it. I shove the axe. Two minutes to showtime, people.

Oh, my God. Remember your order. I don't want to have to come find you. Seb, it's okay. We're last. Oh. We have plenty of time. I'm going to have you guys roll perception again

to kind of take stock of how good the other groups are around you. 18. 20. Okay. You guys can also tell that these other groups are so much better than you will ever be at anything, including puppeteering, which maybe one of you is good at. So that's where things lie right now if things go the way that they're going right now you will for sure lose so we have to sabotage

every single group oh goodness okay i love it so jelper goes okay guys yeah there's no way we're gonna win like this and i i'm a competitive person and I'd like to keep it honest, but that's just not going to be possible if we want to come out and win. So each of us, we're going to have to sabotage one of the other acts. There's just not enough time to do it all together. And then you sit in the corner and you don't do anything. And that's great, right? No, Jalbert, you're with me.

I have an idea for the trapeze artist. Okay, great. I had an idea with you, Chalice, but I guess me. I have an idea for the trapeze artist. Okay, great. I had an idea with you, Chalice, but I guess I could just do mine on my own. Yeah, you got it, Chip. Oh, yeah, you got it, Chip. Me and Seb are going to head out over here. Oh, so I have to do the other two groups? Yeah.

If you don't mind, that'd be great. Yeah, Chip has to do two, and then everyone else is in team. Everyone's holding their partner's hand. Well, you know what? I could help, so why don't I help Seb and Beef? So it'll be us three and then Chip does two and then Chalice and Jalper. Perfect.

Okay, so we know Chalice and Jalper, you guys are doing the acrobats. Okay. Chip, you guys can pick in any order you want here. No, let them pick. I'll do whatever two are left. I'll figure out. You guys pick first.

Go ahead. What were they again? You guys have Animal Tamers, the band of musicians, and the jousting show left. Let's do the band. The band? Yeah, we're going to do the band. The other two seem really hard. This just seems way too hard for me right now.

Okay. If you come up with a creative idea and it makes sense and it's done successfully, that act will then have disadvantage on their performance rolls, which we'll say is the score they get from the judges. Love it. That's super cool, Sean. Okay, we'll cut to Chalice and Jalpert. Jalpert. Yeah. Wow, you smell so good.

Sorry, I got distracted. What is that? Doesn't matter. Nothing. That's just, I guess that's my natural aroma. Yeah, I don't know. Oh. Okay. What was I

saying? What are you saying? Okay. You know how some people carry around like pepper spray or like a mini little something as a self-defense? I actually have a vial of bed bugs that I carry around. If someone's like really

rude to me or shitty, I dump them on them. And I feel like if we make the trapeze artists, the acrobats super duper itchy, they'll probably mess up. Oh my God. You're so beautiful. I mean, smart.

You're so smart. That is such a good idea. Hi, Beef. Beef just gasped. Fire. Hi. Sorry. Hey, I got lost. I lost

my partner. That's why we have the hold hands system. I am still holding your hand. Oh, hey, there you are, Seb. I am too. Oh, hey. We'll see you in a second. Good luck with your thing. Good luck with your thing. Yeah, you too. Great. Do you think, Chopper, do you think that's a good idea? I think it's a really good idea. Okay.

Should we add on to it? Yeah, I'm just thinking how are we going to get these bedbugs onto their skin? I guess we can kind of— Well, they haven't put their costumes on yet. And look, they're all hanging in a room. Man, it would have been so much easier to steal their act. Yeah, they weren't even in their costumes. Costumes are just laying around.

I guess Beef is globally good at this. He's one of the best ever, which I didn't know. Maybe he's a base. Maybe he's a flyer. I don't know. But other than that, I just don't know if we all could have made that work. For sure. For sure.

You probably could have. You're super strong. So let's do the bedbugs on the costume. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. I have anti-bedbug spray for myself. So let's spray ourselves. Okay.

It's fierce by Abercrombie and Fitch. Not that you need it. Oh, okay. Great. Thanks. Okay. Now we're going to put these bed bugs on their costumes? Yes.

Okay. Great. Jalpert gets handed the vial and then he starts doing it. And as he's doing it, it seems like one of the acrobats is going to come over to maybe get changed into their outfit and are headed back behind, you know, their carriage where their costumes are. Oh, bonjour. We were simply admiring such beautiful costumes.

We are from costumes magazine and we are just blown away by such gorgeous costumes. Uh, okay. Um, it's almost showtime, and I need to get into my tumbling uni. Oh, bonjour, yes, of course, right this way. So are you leading him to the costumes? Yes, oh, do you mind if I button you up in this little costume? You look at Jopper, and he holds up, Joppa and he holds up like one more second.

He needs one more second. Oh, no. Yes. Oh, my goodness. You can even wear what you wear. Nope, that's not good. I won't say that. You are going to look so good.

Are you doing your hair as well? Oh, my God. I'm so distracting, aren't I? Did you just kiss me? Oh, no. Yes. Bonjour. Bonjour. Que sont? distracting aren't i did you just kiss me oh no yes he goes he goes in for a second kiss yes of course oh he got another kiss A French kiss, if you will. Yes. He goes, I love the French because that's the best good luck a Tumblr could ever be wished. I'm going to have the best performance of my life.

Yes, but if you do not, there'll be more days and more performances for you to have. Don't hang your wishes and hopes on this. Goodbye. Bonjour. Jumper gives a thumbs up and you guys head away. you to have. Don't hang your wishes in hopes on this. Goodbye! Bonjour! Jepar gives a thumbs up and you guys head away. Au revoir! Sweet. We'll say that that was successful then. Great. Okay? And it makes sense. So they're going to have disadvantage on their performance rolls. Who's next?

Oh, Beef? Yeah. It's me and you. Alright. Okay. You and me, Seb. You and me. And Dwoot. And Dwoot. And Dwoot. That's right.

Hi, Dwoot. Dwoot. It's really nice to have you here, Dwoot. I agree. Really good to have you. I'm having a blast. Do you like working for Jalper, or is it? We don't have time for that.

I'm the high counselor of Two Tree Hill, or one of them, and- Stop it, dude. Dwoot, we'll get to this later. Sorry. Let's hatch a plan, you guys, all right? one of them. Stop it, dude. We'll get to this later. Sorry. Let's hatch a plan, you guys. All right? Hatch it, hatch it. Okay.

We challenge the band to beef bowling. If they can beat us at beef bowling, then they get to keep beef forever. But if we win, they have to take a nap for an hour and a half i feel like we could maybe just like with their instruments or something let's do that come on i like pulling my body into a big bowling ball and then you roll me as hard and fast as i can well what if we did that as a distraction dude Dwute, you're really doing a great job at being

a part of the crew. Where would we be without you? Oh my god. You're a fun guy. Do you do stuff on Friday and Saturday nights? We do not have time for this. We just don't have time for this. Stop inviting people to stuff. So now we cut to where you guys are poised and ready. You're onlooking

the carriage and the setup that the band of musicians is like preparing around. A lot of them are already wearing their instruments and getting them in tune. But a few of them are still like on the ground. Oh, yeah. Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. So good to meet you.

I love your instruments. How do you say we challenge you to the bouffe bowling? Bouffe bowling? Bouffe bowling? Oh, bowling the de bouff!

They all, like, know exactly what we're talking about. They're all French. They're all French. They are all French. Oh, no! Yeah, but they start speaking to each other in French, saying, Bolin de bouff! Bolin de bouff!

And chanting and, like, agreeing. And then they're speaking French to you, and it seems like they're indicating that if they win, they get to keep beef. Perfect! Perfecto! Oh, he is yours! They're speaking French to you, and it seems like they're indicating that if they win, they get to keep beef. Perfect. Perfecto. Oh, he is yours. All right, dude.

Well, when we're playing the beef the bowl, bowling the beef, take these scissors and go over to the pile of instruments, and you know what to do, right? You just want me to cut them? Yes. In half. It'll be kind of obvious, but I guess maybe they won't know it's us. Do it in a fun, cute way. Like, cute little cuts. Yeah, like a child did it.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Unnoticeable, cute little cuts. Oh, cute, a bunch of little cuts. Maybe it'll be like all the strings are on their last string, if you know what I mean. Like, they're barely holding on, so once they get strummed, they'll snap. I'm sorry, we do not have time for this. We just need you to go and do that.

Okay, he heads off with his, like, he's got, like, a little knife thing. I, we will, uh, how do you say, knock down the chairs? I turn them into, uh, how do you say, destroyed meat. Beef style. Beef. Beef.

Beef style. Beef. Beef. Crouches down and makes his body into the perfect beef ball. Whatever happens, I really love you. I love you. Let's do it. Now roll me. Okay, roll for your roll. I love you. Oh, let's do it. Now roll me.

Okay, roll for your roll. Is this a strength check or? Maybe athletics. Yeah. Ooh, you sure? Because your athletics are bad. They're just a plus zero, but I rolled an 18, so this could not be going better for us.

Oh, wow, yeah. Beef's cruising, just going so quickly at this pile of chairs that got set up. And it is a direct hit right in the middle. It is a strike. It is an absolute strike. I went so fast, I got like, I kind of flamed up a bit. That's how fast I went.

Okay, and then Beef, you should roll to see how dizzy you are, if you can even walk back or if you need to be carried. I got 11. Okay, yeah, you're pretty even walk back or if you need to be carried. I got 11. Okay, yeah, you're pretty dizzy. You're going to need some help. Oh, la bouffe, la bouffe, my headie, my bouffe head. Oh, garçon, garçon, little garçon. And the French band people gently pick you up,

bring you back to where the bowling starts, and then force your body into a ball. I am so sorry, Beef. I didn't realize that they would get a try at this, too. That's okay. This is how my body was meant to be made. I mean, made to be meant. You get it.

They rolled a 17. Oh, no. So we'll say that it's another really great ball, a ball of beef, and it goes right down the middle. And then, Beef, do you want to see if you can try to course correct it while you're a ball? Oh, my God, yeah. What do I got to roll for that?

I would say roll athletics yourself. I'm pretty good at my athletics too, you guys. Oh no, my athletics is bad. Don't you have good acrobatics? I have great acrobatics but bad athletics. Yeah, use your acrobatics because you're somersaulting. I am,

I am. Thank you. That's an 11 then. Oh, that's you know what? That's just enough. And since they rolled one less than an 18, one chair, one pin is left standing. And they go, oh. Yes.

And so you get to keep beef. But beef, you are definitely worse for wear right now. Your trousers are a little bit on fire from the flame rolls. And you're extremely dizzy. And yeah, you're not looking too hot but you see uh dwoot gives you the thumbs up um that he's done what he needed to do on the strings ah chef's kiss sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a question for you what's the right amount the perfect amount of socializing for you?

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And then we go to Chip. Yeah, Chip this whole time has just been planning what he has to do. He has to do both of these things on his own. I'm so excited. Oh my god. Sorry, Waleed. Alright, here we go. Okay, also it seems like I gotta do a French thing for some stupid reason. I didn't expect that. Scribble, scribble,

scratch. Okay. Scribble, scribble. Chip lumbers over to the acrobats. Bonjour. Wait, so the acrobats haven't been done yet? No, those are the first ones. So it's been acrobats and band, and we have to do animal trainers and what's the other one?

Gaustine. I have to do animal trainers? I was not planning. Scribble, scribble, scribble. Scribble, scribble. Oh, my God. Okay, I guess I'll try. So, Chip, when you approach the exotic animal tamers,

you see that there's a bunch of griffins and mammoths, which are like big woolly mammoths, and horses and a shifter cat. Okay. Information I wish I knew yesterday! Get on the fly, on the fly. Okay, so I'll say initially, initially my plan for the acrobats

was to pretend to be a safety inspector and loosen and, like, loosely cut all the ropes and stuff so that they would fall and snap in the middle of their act. And snap. Wow. Yeah, so like the ropes would like snap while they're flying through the air. Oh, I thought you meant their bodies would snap. Okay, good.

Well, inevitably. Murder is still on the table. You're welcome. You know what, Beef? That actually is my... That's my plan for the jousting guys. Spoiler alert. You just wrote murder down on a piece of paper.

With a question mark. So Chip walks up to the animal tamers. Bonjour. Hey, what's going on? I am the safety inspector for the animals to make sure they are safe. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. That was easy. Chip looks at him and says, that was easy.

What was easy? Never mind. No, I have to go check them in depth okay i go over and i implement my plan that i thought i was supposed to do on the acrobats and i start loosening all the bolts on the cages i unlock them i like tear all the i like cut very fine all the leashes or hitches or whatever so that they're basically a moment away from escaping. Gotcha. So, yeah, you're basically like kind of freeing all of them without making it look obvious. Yes. Can you roll for stealth?

Yeah, I rolled an eight. Oh. Okay. So then the guy who you talked to earlier goes like, Wait, what are you doing with the cage? Oh, well, I am unlocking it so I can go check on the animal, of course. Okay. Well then, I guess go in there. I'll make sure that you don't get too hurt if anything goes crazy.

Yes, because if I get hurt, then the animal will get arrested? No, you're an idiot for getting in this cage. Yeah, sorry, I'm trying to think on the fly. What would be bad for these animals? You're asking me what's bad for the animals? Yes, this is a test. Well, I guess it would be bad if, you know, they were agitated in some way.

We usually try to keep them really calm before the show so that they listen to us and are obedient. So I guess that would be bad if, you know, they were agitated in some way. We usually try to keep them really calm before the show so that they listen to us and are obedient. So I guess that would be pretty bad. Yes, it would. Wouldn't it? That was easy. Wait, what was easy? Go away. Go away.

Well, then get out of the cage. I'm not done with my inspection. You're doing a lot of weird shit. I'm not done with my inspection. You're doing a lot of weird shit. I'm keeping my eyes on you and you've got one minute. Okay. With all his power, Chip tries to

release a silent but deadly fart. Oh, no. Oh, no. It won't work, my guy. It won't work. Oh, my God. Okay, roll for my guy. It won't work. Oh, my God. Okay, roll for your fart.

Okay. Roll for your... Okay, roll for your fart. I can't believe how many times you've had to roll for farts during this first season. Doesn't even matter. I rolled a seven. Oh. It doesn't even matter.

So you guys are just farting and it's not bad enough to do anything? It just stinks. But you know what it does? Doesn't even matter. So you guys are just farting and it's not bad enough to do anything? It just stinks. But you know what it does? It is bad enough for the exotic animal tamer to go, oh my God, dude, and walk away because it stinks. Okay. Well, you know what? I'm going to the jousting and I'll double back on this thing.

I can't figure it out right now. He finally leaves you alone and you just give up? This is too tiring. I can't do this by myself. I'm going to go kill some jousting guys. You just farted. It worked. And now you're walking over to kill easily the hardest group of people to kill.

Just one of them. Which one? So there's like five. They're all kind of like either like stretching or sitting around and like drinking by like their area. Whichever one looks like they're the main performer in the act. I'm sad. I'm by myself.

I'm like, hey, guy. You, come here. The biggest guy, truly a mountain of a man, turns around and goes, are you talking to me? Yeah. Come here. What's up? You want an autograph? No. turns around and goes are you talking to me? yeah come here what's up you want an autograph? no I'm gonna stab you he dips a feathered quill in ink

and then signs your forehead no I don't I take out I reach for my battle axe and I tear up a little bit because I know it's blocking a door right now so I just swing my crossbow around and I tear up a little bit because I know it's blocking a door right now. So I just swing my crossbow around and I shoot him point blank in the face.

Wow. In front of everyone? Yeah. I'm just, I'm so alone. Nobody's helping me. So this guy's such a badass. He's the star knight of multiple kingdoms. You whip out the crossbow, and he goes,

Oh, even better. He grabs it before you can even fire. He takes it out of your hands and autographs it and hands it back to you. Pathetic. And then he just pushes you away, and he goes, I gotta get ready to perform. Ow! I killed a drink.

And in the background everyone's, the other four partners are like, oh, good job. And they're hugging each other from behind. I'm watching. Jalpert goes, oh, Chip, do you need help with yours? No, no, I got this. Yeah, Chip, you need any

help? He looks like he might need some. I got this. I run over, I kick this. Do you need any help? It looks like you might need some. No, I got this. I run over. I kick down the cage to the griffin. I go in there and I jump on its back. Okay. Remember, I've loosened the cage. So I like push it all down.

So now the griffin is totally in the open and I'm riding it. And the goal is to get the griffin to grab the guy that just signed the autograph and fly away. That is the goal. That is my goal. Okay, okay, okay. You get onto the griffin, no problem. Hell yeah. And you can pull up and you get the griffin into the sky, no problem.

Okay. Do you have like animal handling? Oh, I got animal handling. A solid plus one. Okay. Now roll that. A solid plus one. Okay, now roll that. Fingers are crossed. To try to steer and then have him pick up the mountain of

a man. Chip, if you can pull this off, I think that everything will fall into place for you. Oh, God. What did you roll? You're laughing because you got a natural 20? I rolled a nat 20

No way Oh my god Alright well We underestimated it This could not be going better for us This was what I was hoping When I said I was going to fart in the closet What happened?

Just turn all of the puppeteers Into dust Okay so You're writing just turn all of the puppeteers into dust okay so um you're riding uh this griffin through the air and you can pretty much like you have bonded with this like instantly the reason for this is almost inexplicable well it smelled by far and it bond i that bonded me to it right right right. And so then you start careening towards the mountain of a man. And you still really aren't able to communicate with the griffin, but you are handling it as a rider as best as you can, as best as could ever be possibly imagined for Chip to do.

And you are getting closer and closer to the mountain of the man. And instead of the griffin picking him up, you just go head on, full steam into him on the griffin. So you and the griffin hit this guy extremely hard going like 70 miles an hour. And it's a big collision. And everyone's now in a big heap. Autograph that. Autograph that! Autograph that, you piece of shit! Okay, why don't you roll for Griffin damage against this guy.

Why don't you take a D12 of damage? Because you were in a crash too. Okay, I take eight damage. Not great. Pretty significant. Pretty significant. But the other huge guy, he's knocked out cold. He is unconscious Pretty significant. Pretty significant. But the other huge guy, he's knocked out

cold. He is unconscious on the ground. Okay. But worth it. And the griffin's pretty badly hurt too, though. Go, griffin! Away! Jesus! Chip! Oh my god, Chip! Oh my god. And you're not even doing the French voice. Yeah! I was. Guys,

I was. I promise. The exotic animal tamer guy runs over. What happened? I don't know. Beautiful. You were on its back. You were flying through the air. It's a crazy animal. It's so nuts.

He goes, oh, my God. And then he calls over the rest of the team. And they get a little stretcher type, wooden stretcher type thing. And they he calls over the rest of the team and they like get like a little like stretcher type, wooden stretcher type thing. And they get the griffin like off to the side. I will say that most of the other animals are still like show ready though. Can Chalice just walk over and quickly

just add the rest of the bed bugs to the animals? Sure. And she's just going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Smart, smart. Kissing their little snoots. Okay. So now you guys going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Smart, smart. Kissing their little snoots. Okay. So now you guys are, the show is starting. The person with the clipboard back there is like, okay, it's lights up, everybody.

Put your gay faces on. And here's what's happening out there. An enormous magic illusion of a well-groomed wood elf's head appears in the center of the Coliseum. This is the host. Wood Elf's head appears in the center of the Coliseum. This is the host. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the finals of So You Think You Can Talent.

We've got five amazing acts for you tonight and only one is going to perform at the coronation of the new king. Everyone's going nuts. Did I mention there's a hundred gold piece grand prize?

Well, enough from me. Let's get to our acts, starting with a band of musicians and singers known as the Beatles. And the lights go up on the Beatles, and you hear in the back the guy playing all the percussion hit some sticks together and go, one, two, three, four. And they all strum their instrument at the same time. And all the strings in all their instruments break. All the strings in all their instruments immediately break.

And the entire audience gasps. And they immediately panic they're very professional they apologize sorry everyone sorry sorry sorry

and they start restringing their instruments they were lying about being French too yeah I thought they were French those bastards

they're so... That's our thing about being French. Man, they're talented. Cool. So this is another game mechanic that I was planning on throwing in here is if a set is still doing really well, you can try and do performance damage on their act. So they restring their instruments

and they get a warning that they don't have very much time left in their set, but they do start a song and it does sound really good. But it does, you know, it's flustered. They're not going to have their full time. So I'm going to roll for them. So their score after they hit their final note, the crowd, you know, applauds the judges. The crowd, you know, applauds. The judges, you look at their table, and all three judges put up a six. They scored a six.

Crickets. Crickets. They leave the stage with their heads held low. I love dashing dreams. People who don't deserve it. Next up, we have an amazing act of acrobatics and trapeze and juggling. Here they are, the monkeys. Jalper and I are like, this one's us.

This is us. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You're going to love this. They get lifted up to the stage and they're super itchy. They're like, they are scratching themselves, but it's like pretty discreet. And they start their act and they're just such professionals that they're just like getting through it. What?

Um, so it seems, um, they're like doing the act. It's definitely, this isn't the best you've ever seen. Um, but they're still doing an act.

Guys, I got an idea. Let me go up behind the judges and I'm going to hug them. Try the fart. I'm going to try the fart right behind the judges. You're go up behind the judges, and I'm going to try the fart. I'm going to try the fart right behind the judges. You're going to knock the judges out? Hopefully I don't knock them out. Oh, you're right.

No, because you're right. Because the farts have not been bad enough to kill people. Kill people. They've only been bad enough to annoy people. If they smell a fart, yes, that's smart. Go ahead. You got it, Seth. I'm going to say fart the whole time.

Here we go. Here goes everything. Nine. Nine's the perfect stink you were going for. go ahead you got it Seb he's gonna say fart the whole time here we go here goes everything nine nine is the perfect stink you were going for you're gonna have to can you roll for your stealth though

oh yeah yeah natural 20 baby wow so they smell this what is so clearly a fart and all three judges turn around to see

who the culprit was and you're nowhere to be found Seb is gone. Seb's amazing. There's just one random onlooker is there and looks up and goes, whoa. And they go, you f***er. And now they're just pissed. It smells disgusting and they're really upset. All of a sudden a flower pot has like two legs that come out and then just kind of crab walks away. And that's me. And that's me.

Now, are you saying that this fart is going to do damage to their set because they're just, the judges are going to be more pissed off during it? Yeah, they're going to be like, this sucks. I hate what they're doing up there. They're obviously itchy. And this whole place smells like shit. Okay, we'll say that's good enough for a potential D4 of active damage. Okay.

Now this group right now with disadvantage, they got an 18. Oh no. Okay. I'm going to do four damage to it. D4, which was three. So they rolled a 15 overall. So that group, the acrobats, did a pretty bang up job, all things considered, and still got a 15. Uh oh. Oy. group, the acrobats, did a pretty bang-up job, all things considered, and still got a 15. And up next,

we have the exotic animal tamers by Herman's Hermits. And they all take the stage. The pulley system brings them up, and the animals are

really agitated by the bedbugs. And Chip, what did you do? I hurt the griffin. And I loosened any, if they're, I don't know if they're leashed up or in cage or anything, but I loosened all that stuff. So the way that I was picturing it is this is how it's going to play out, which is, so the cages brought up flush with the, uh, with the coliseum and the tamers go out there. The animals are really itching. They do look agitated, which is definitely a problem. And then when the, you know, tamers go to open their cages, um, cause that's typically what they do in animal tamer shows. They open a cage, let them out. And then that's where the feet, you know, starts is that they're able to tame these animals. So instead of the door opening like usual, the tamer goes to open it and the door just falls off.

And they're like, that's strange. But it's totally fine. But they're all loose. Usually they do one animal at a time. This is all the animals. Yeah, that's too much. That's a good point. Do all the animals get along?

Well, all the animals know to stay in their cages until they're open. So something would have to spur them into wanting to get out of their cages before they're supposed to. Maybe something like a boof ball? All right, Seb's back with the group. And I'm just covered in potting soil right now. And I go, beef, ball up. You got it. Buongiorno.

All right. And. Athletics. Athletics. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Two. Oh, my God. Okay.

So beef in true beef ball form goes directly in the pretty much opposite direction of the stage and the cages and goes square into the person with the clipboard organizing everything. Oh, my God. And they're knocked prone. Hey. So unless someone says. I got it. I got an idea.

I'm going to do like a... Kitty, kitty, kitty. Hey. Just to distract them to get them to come out of their cages. Oh, yeah. Lure them with something. Do you have anything you could lure them with? Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Ooh.

Oh. Why don't you roll for persuasion? 19, baby. Oh,asion? 19, baby. Oh, wow. 19, baby. So Chalice has a way with these animals. And above all the other noise in the crowd, they hear Chalice's true cat calling. Beef was right that I am good with animals.

My unearned confidence was right. Oh, you're right. Full circle. Wow. And they start to get out of their cages, and then the animal tamers start to look very panicked, and it quickly becomes itchy animal chaos on the stage. On top of that, though, all the animals start racing towards you, Chalice.

Oh, didn't think this through. And then she just starts to run. Okay, that's fair. Huge, a huge area of the Coliseum has to like essentially evacuate themselves very quickly while a small stampede of animals runs off of the stage and on like into the pews and stuff.

And once we're going to, gonna we're gonna cut to when everything is like a little bit more uh settled down the judges retake their seats and um it was pretty impressive that the animal tamers got all the animals back under control after a minute but it was pretty bad we're gonna say that that did a D12 of damage. So with disadvantage, they rolled 14. With D12 of damage, ooh, they rolled only two damage, so it was 12. All right, sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. If anyone was maimed and or disfigured during that last act, you will get a partial refund and a free popcorn at the vending services. Nice!

Now, moving on to our next act. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Jousting and Knighthood Show. And the group of knights on their steeds get bullied up and are now on stage in view of everyone, and their show begins. You can tell that someone's missing. There's a star who's not there, but the show's going pretty well. They're doing some really cool jousting tricks

and showing off their prowess. Should we rule of threes, or does Chalice need to take one for the team and try to hurt them with a fart? I'll try a fart. I don't want to leave you guys hanging. I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to. No, I want to.

I want to. Yeah, we already did three. Rule of fours. Rule of fours. Sure. Rule of farts. Rule of farts. All right, Chalice will do it.

So where is Chalice going to try to fart? As close to the stage as she can. Okay. Oh, she puts on a little like helmet, like a little jousting helmet to make it seem like she's part of the show and she goes out there and then she's going to fart. Okay. Roll for stealth first. 18.

Okay, great. You blend right in with the show. Love it. Okay. Now try to fart. So much fart rolling. Only in the finale, baby. 16.

Oh, shit. This is some deadly gas. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't want to kill him. Kill him. So, Chalice, in costume, farts, and it's a pretty serious one.

Oh. It's so bad that as one of the mounted knights who's jousting with another knight, they're racing towards each other. The one that was closer to Chalice moves his horse at a really breakneck speed through Chalice's fart and it hits him full bore right in the nostrils. And it makes him pass out. It's so bad. And so he slumps in his horse unconscious before he even gets to joust his partner and leads his horse across the line, the jousting line you shouldn't cross into. And both of them run into each other full force.

Oh, I'm so sorry okay that was pretty bad she did it let's see what they rolled uh the act was going well before that but now that was pretty disastrous but that was like one of the final things that happened so they cleared the stage after that people clapped and people were actually pretty excited because they were like well that's kind of what we want to see in a jousting thing. We want to see some danger and some excitement like that. I farted that bad for nothing? So that was a 17. I'm sorry, a 16.

And then we'll say the fart did also a D12 of damage. That was pretty bad. So 16. Oh, 12. So they did a four. So it was pretty bad. Oh, thank gosh. Nice job, Chalice.

Thank you, Beef. I hope you can one day get your land that you want in Two Tree Hill. Me too. I heard you earlier mumbling about how you wanted your land there. I heard you. You heard me. I love your little dreams. I don't have enough coins.

You will. And last but not least, we've got a very special act we hopefully saved the best for last. Huh? You decide, or should I say, you three judges. All right, please welcome to the stage, the birds. And I presume you are on stage. And then the pulley system brings you up. And now, slowly, coming into your view is the thousands of audience members looking at you, waiting for the show to begin. Oh.

Oh. Hello. We are the birds. Come. Come. Come. Come. Don't call me a bird. And we have a puppet show for you.

And we have a puppet show for you. And we have a puppet show for you today. We hope you like laughing. No, we're each other's puppets, Chip. Okay, okay. That's why I'm talking like this. Who's who's puppet? Let's see. So Chalice sits on Beef's lap.

Like she's a ventriloquist dummy. And she quickly just gets like, uses her eyeliner to draw little lines on either side of her lips going down to make herself look more puppet-like.

And then she does the same. You're sitting on beef slap? Mm-hmm. You heard me. Okay. And then she does the- So then that would make sense if I sit on sub slap.

Yeah. So I grab, I quickly grab Chip's face and draw the little lines on either side. And I'm just like holding his face in my hand for a second.

And I say, who's the dummy around here? Shh, we're side. And I'm just like holding his face in my hand for a second. And I say, who's the dummy around here? Shh, we're on stage. I'm doing a puppet joke. Okay, okay. It's a famous puppet joke. They can hear this. So you guys are, are you guys doing this?

You didn't prepare ahead of time. You're doing all this on stage. Of course we did not. We were too busy sabotaging everybody. When did we have time, Sean? We didn't rehearse. Jeez, Sean. When did we have time? Sean? We didn't rehearse. Jeez, Sean. When did we have time? Have you been listening? Are you even paying attention?

When would we have done that? Should we say that, like, since you were, like, walking around and doing all that, should we say that that was happening, like, while the stage is getting pulled up? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You guys are scrambling and that's all happening while the stage is getting pulled up. And then, before you know it, Chalice is sat on Beef, and Chip is sat on Seb. You guys come into full view of a couple thousand people yelling and cheering for the birds, which apparently you are.

Well, maybe we should introduce our friends, Beef. Seb, I think that's a great idea. Why don't you go ahead? Using their real names? Love it. Why are we using their real names? Whoops. I mean... Boop and I am Bess.

And Bess, please introduce your puppet, Bess. Of course. This is my stinky, stinky friend, Soiled Sam. Can you say hello for everyone, Soiled Sam? I can introduce myself, you piece of crap. Hey. Oh, ha ha.

I'm no piece of crap. You smell like one, but we're all having fun. We're all having fun out here. Well, maybe if you took me for a wash every once in a while. I'm a dummy. I can't do anything. Enough. Enough. My

God, what a crazy, crazy day we're having. What's the weather like for you? For me, same as you, crazy. Hey, introduce me to your handsome friend over there the dummy sitting next to me how do you do sir my name his name is bess your name's bess i'm banana no he's bess you're banana i'm boof and that's Soiled Sam

I'm Soiled Sam I didn't pick that name Hi Soiled Sam, you are handsome as can be Are you single? Yeah, I ain't got nobody My wife died a long time ago along with all my kids It was horrible

Jesus Soiled Sam That's too heavy for a puppet show. And I could have saved them, but I was too big a wuss. Should we sing a song? You say potato. I say potato. I say potato. And I say potato.

Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. All right, I'm going gonna go ahead and interrupt this one no no no let them go potato potato potato potato potato i'm gonna go ahead and interrupt this one. Jalpert walks out and goes, Um, if you thought that was all, well, you were just getting started. Now, if you thought that there was a spark between these two,

perhaps there is. But the only way to really feel love is if you're truly alive. What do you guys say? Do you want to see both these puppets actually come to life? Yeah. I mean, yeah, what do you guys say? Do you want to see both these puppets actually come to life? Yeah, I mean, yeah, what do you guys say? I'm worried about the pain of existence. Oh, hush. But I'll give it a shot.

Yeah, you don't have any existential dread when you're a puppet, but I'll give it a shot. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. a shot potato potato potato potato potato i am just pinching chips but trying to get him to stop i'm just like stop potato and beef's just like full-on grin wide eyes like fully into the song potato potato okay so jopper leans into you guys he's like okay make it seem like you're becoming a human or something i'm telling you guys we're losing them whoa oh my god i'm a human look i can walk i can dance i can sing oh my god i've got internal organs and whoa, it's not smooth down there anymore.

Oh my God. Look, the real human beings now. Nice to meet you. Worth a 20, I presume. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato.

Potato. Okay. potato potato potato okay you guys jalpert has looked over and he sees the judges just kind of like shaking their head after like the 20th potato and start like making some marks and then he's like okay guys you you gotta do something that's actually really impressive anything let's throw beef he's a world renowned hacker bat oh my god yeah, I'm going to get into my booth ball, shoot me up in the sky as hard and as fast as you can, and then I'm going

to spring open starfish style. We've thrown beef into the sky so many times this season. Why do we keep throwing beef?

It always works. It always works. Our solution to everything, Seb, is to throw beef into the sky. I grab beef and I punt beef into the air.

That's potato. And then Chalice is getting the crowd to go, potato, potato, potato. The whole crowd is chanting potato. And then on the final bit, I fling open and I go, potato. I rolled a 21 for a strength check to throw beef yes holy shit so remember this is like uh like a coliseum type uh theater in the round so there is no there is no ceiling

which means there's no limit to how high you can kick beef and I mean you kick beef so high and it's dark it's it's nighttime i want to touch the moon no one can see beef like barely an eye shot that's how high beef gets into the air just soaring above the entire audience and beef why don't you roll for uh performance here here. Throw me into the moon. That's gonna be a 15. Uh, that's pretty damn good. So you get rocketed up into the air, you unveil yourself Starfish style, and sing Potato,

and the crowd goes pretty nuts. They f***ing love it. Yay! So now you guys, is anyone gonna try to catch Beef? Because he's gonna be coming in like a missile. We should all try. Jess Sebb. Jess Sebb.

All right. Roll for, I guess, roll for acrobatics. Yeah, Chalice and I are at the front of the stage just clapping along with the crowd. Potato. As Beef flies down. Yeah. Potato. Potato.

Potato. I did a 14. Okay. Is anyone and no one else is helping Seb? Potato. Potato. Potato. We did a 14. Okay. Is anyone and no one else is helping Seb? Potato. Potato. We're helping in that way. You guys, if I die.

Well, I offered to help and then Seb said it should just be Seb. I could try farting real bad again. Would that help? It did help. Beef on the way down just like explodes into Seb. And it doesn't look so much like a catch but more that you broke beef's fall for the most part Seb

on the way down so the two of you are kind of lying in a heap on the stage and the crowd goes silent wondering if you're okay and then we pop up and we say potato We pop up and we say, Potato! And it's silent.

And then one clap. Crickets. And then, yeah, crickets. Crickets. One clap and then two claps and then two claps, and then three claps, and then it's a roar of applause. People seem pretty excited about it. As we're bowing, Chalice goes,

you guys, if we win, I realize that we're going to have to do this again at the corny. Excuse me? You say that like it's a problem. So if the act is finished, well, this is pretty crazy. I'm trying to think if you guys get any bonuses for anything, because right now your score that the judges are giving you is about to be a 15. You can sense that if you can do one last thing to impress them. What if I blow a kiss to the judges? It could make all the difference of one point.

Now for this, is this a persuasion kiss or a performance kiss? Like you're putting a little exclamation point on the act or you're trying to go like, I'm very likable. I'll do persuasion because that's plus five for me. Okay. Sex does so. So just roll a d20 and then you'll add your plus five to it natural 20 plus five oh buddy what a cute little kiss it's a cute little kid at the end of it you guys are like walking off the stage as the judges are like deliberating and thinking about it they're like yeah that was like exactly as good as the acrobats i mean it was kind of an acrobatic set was the impressive part and it was pretty much just as good, like really having a tough time. And then they all kind of like look up to contemplate and they just see Chalice show so much grace and blow a kiss towards the judges. And they all look at each other and nod and they go, that set is a 16.

It was a 16. And so they all hold up 16. And the winners of So You Think You've Got Talent, the finals, goes to... What was your guys' name? The Birds! Car!

Car! Car! Car! Car! Car! Now come on out here and receive your prize. Oh my God. This is amazing.

Hi guys. From the ceiling, the host for the first time, not in a magical illusion, giant head form. The actual person comes down from seemingly the sky and gracefully lands on stage. Come on out here, birds. Crowd absolutely loves you. Listen to them roar. Potato. Potato.

Enough, dude. Stop. They love it. So now that you've got a hundred gold pieces, what do you plan on doing with the money? Going to Disneyland. No, no, no, no, no. We got some repairs. We have one functioning toilet right now.

Yeah, we might get little beef here some land. Right? I mean, little boof here some land. I've always wanted some land. We have land, and it's not going good. We need this for our land, our current land. Well, I'm sure that the new king will be very appreciative of this act. Do you plan on keeping it the same for the coronation, or are you going to change it up?

The same exact, the same. Oh, gosh, yeah. Chip, no. We plan on doing that exact same thing. Excellent, excellent. Well, good luck at the coronation tomorrow. Tomorrow? Let's hear it for them one more time.

Give it up for the birds. Yeah! Potato! Cool. And then you guys walk off stage and this will be like a little like

maybe like cut scene. The host hands you an official invitation to Prince Palpert's coronation. So you have that. Oh, it's nice. Oh yeah, that's right.

I forgot that's what we're doing. Oh my God, we did it. So you have that. Oh, it's nice. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot that's why we're doing that. Oh, my God, we did it. We got the invitation. Can Chalice, because she's so excited that they did it, and she's so, like, happy for Jalpert, and for them that they managed to, like, pull this off, can she run up to Jalpert, and maybe can they have their first kiss?

Is that crazy? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. For sure. And Beef, I want? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. For sure. And Beef, I want you there with me. Oh, my God. It's an honor. It would be an honor.

Thank you, Beef. So does Chalice just run up to Chalper like... Just right when they're offstage and they realize that they've done it. Like drama kids who just had a great show. Oh, my God. Yeah. What was that for? Oh, oh my God.

Yeah. What was that for? Um, for kissing. For the reason why you kiss people. Sorry. Was I not supposed to do that? I was just so excited. Oh, yeah.

No, I just, that was really nice. Do you mind if I kiss you again? Oh my God. Can you believe it? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

And then they kiss. Seb and Chip are just talking in the corner. I thought that Griffin would do something cool and keep the guy or something. I don't know what I was thinking. I think Boof crushed everything inside of me. I'm fading, man. Are you not doing okay? I'm fading.

I need your blood right now. I'm about a quart low right now, man. Oh my god, is Chalice is kissing Jalpert right now. Dude. I need blood now. I need your blood now. Seb, this is nuts. They're kissing each other. They barely know each other.

I fall limp into Chip's arms. Wow, I can't imagine feeling worse right now. And then he cut back to Jalbert and Chalice and Jalbert just goes, I want to tell you something. You know, like I said, after, you know, that thing with the dragons and getting taken to school, I never wanted, you know, to be king. Not that I really had a shot, but I didn't want anything to do with, you know, my family or the royal family or, you know, ruling. And I just didn't think that there was a way out. And then I heard that you left your family and you made a decision for you to live your own life. And I just want to let you

know that that's what inspired me and gave me the courage to do my own thing. Oh my God, that's what inspired me and gave me the courage to do my own thing what you say something jim no potato potato that means um thank you so much for telling me that i wow that means so much to me thank you potato me that. Wow, that means so much to me. Thank you. Potato. Help me. To be continued. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parr wrote the theme song, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Can you believe there's only one more episode left in the first season of Sitcom D&D? Because I certainly cannot. It's crazy.

Tune in next week to see how it all ends. This season, that is. We're planning on doing a season two. We're recording a season two. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next week, and thanks as always for listening. Bye-bye.