SitcomD&D - S1 E3: The One With The Escape Room

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

After a group of pirates leave a room at Bottom's Up trashed, the gang gets stuck in the room cleaning up the mess. Starring Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. they got rowdy and they ran up a big bar tab and they absolutely trashed the room they were staying in and ended up leaving without paying for anything and you all four of you are now cleaning that room uh the disaster that is now that room that these pirates like a rock band from the 70s, trashed. And you know you're not making a dime off it. So everyone's pissed. So that's where we're going to pick up. Quiet on set. Sound is speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice! Oh, I forgot that part. You forgot that part? That feels like it's all setting up to that part. Yeah, that was the thing. I sort of feel like that was the entire point. Duh! I feel like I had you that whole time and you didn't have me.

Oh, for sure. I basically had you all pick a card as a magician and then was like... See you guys later. Have a good night. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Sebastian is just sitting on the bed just whittling a broom top just into a fine point and just whispering about how much he hates these pirates. Uh, Chip, here's my issue. Yeah, go ahead. Is you want people to like you so bad that you keep giving them drink after drink

after drink after drink, and they weren't even paying, and you were like, I'll give you another one. Now, you say this like they didn't like me by default. I think it's pretty clear that everybody likes me right off the bat, and they know how I'm decided.

Most people don't like you by default. The default is not liking you. Did you see the way they were razzing me? They were calling me ugly. They were calling me big and dumb. You know, just like a good raz. Like between butts. I don't think so, buddy.

You wanted them to like you. You know when you see a puppy and you want the puppy to like you and you get near it and you really force it to like you and then it pisses and poos all over you? And it's like, get away from from me that's what you did is this about when the pirates all pissed and pooed on me is this what this is about no man i it's not about that i think it's i think it's a little bit about that because you still should reek of piss and shit wow you have sharpened all of the cleaning products, Sebastian. Yes, and I'm running out of them. I have nothing to sharpen now except for this bedpost. I have a bedpost

and I start sharpening a bedpost. And Chalice, what the hell? When I asked you this morning, you came up here and you said they left us a gift basket. You said there was bagels in here. Okay, this has such a reasonable explanation. And I'll say it after I finish this sentence.

And I'm not buying time trying to think of a lie or an excuse. That's good, because I don't want any excuses. I would never try to buy time to try to cover up the fact that I was flirting with one of the pirates. I flirted with him, okay? What's his name? What's his name?

His scurvy, Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs. His name is Scurvy Captain Scurvy Captain Holiday? She starts sharpening the other bedposts. But like sad. Like sad. Let's just clean this up and let's be silent for four to six hours. Fine. Okay.

As you guys are continuing to clean the room, you're finding a bunch of pirate finalia, random eye patches, a few crabs, a coconut, pirate stuff. I'm going to have all of you at this point roll for perception for me. Awesome. So, Sebastian, while you're cleaning and you're fuming, you're in a corner of the room where a bed has been broken pretty much in half. And it's just a mess of sheets and wood. When you notice, you move one of the sheets,

and there is a full-blown treasure chest sitting there. I mean, I check to see, is it locked? So, yeah, you go to see if it's locked, and it, it, uh, it is. Well, this is exciting. I know. Hey, guys, guys, guys, silence over. Oh, thank God. I was holding that in for, I don't even know, want to know how long.

And Elizabeth, thank you for adding your own fart sound. We didn't have to do that in post. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a treasure chest. Holy shit. Why didn't you say that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Okay. Okay. There couldn't possibly be a treasure chest because my new crush would have told me that there was a treasure chest. This is cool. Wait, guys. This is a moment of silence. She's finally realizing that this guy was not a turd. You guys, I just realized something.

Yeah, let's see. What is it? He left it here, so he has an excuse to come back! He's coming back for me! Oh my God. Yay! Yay!

My gosh, he's running from wall to wall. He's coming back for me. Nobody touch it. Nobody touch it nobody touch it nobody look at it I take out my axe and I smash the lock when you go to

smash the lock with your axe it is like the scene in Lord of the Rings where Gimli's like let's just destroy the ring and then he goes and tries to hit it

and he explodes backwards and his axe shatters Sean none of us have seen Lord of the Rings is that a Pixar?. Is that a Pixar? Yeah, is that a Pixar? So I'm blasted against the wall? Yeah.

And take a take a d4 of damage. Okay. Don't smash that lock. Oh man, you are lucky. You almost landed on the sharpened bed frame. Wow, that was close. an inch away from your whole life

becoming a corn dog I thought you were going to say an inch away from your hole we said the same thing mind melt not a good one not a mind melt to us it was good I like my corn dog one.

I'm going to stick with my corn dog. Okay, so if you guys, if anyone wants to inspect this further, you can roll Arcana. I got a 10. 17. Cool. That's a good roll. So, Sebastian, you're looking at this treasure chest and you can tell that the lock itself is magic and actually doesn't require a key. It requires something.

It requires it to be interacted with in a way. You know that. And it involves touching it. That's as much as you know right now. We got to touch it. What? Beef. Beef's got it.

If somebody's going to touch it, it's beef. If I know pirates and I know pirates, get your little red rocket out and touch it. What? Beef. Beef's got it. If somebody's going to touch it, it's beef. If I know pirates and I know pirates, get your little red rocket out and touch it. My little red rocket? Yeah, your ding dong. Get your ding dong on there. Guys, it's not little. Now, I love the idea of Beef slapping his ding dong onto the slug as much as the next guy or gal. But I will say, I just exploded against

the wall when I hit it with the battle axe. Are we at all concerned that Beef's ding dong might explode when he touches it? Okay, let's all get our ding dongs out. Everybody gets their fing dong out.

And that's just a word for finger. We can't ask any of us to explode. So what if we all did it at the same time? Everybody puting Dong out. And that's just a word for finger. All right. Well, yeah, we can't ask any of us to explode. So what if we all did it at the same time? Everybody put their finger out. Fing Dong. If beef explodes, Fing Dong. If beef explodes, Beef, we're sorry. You're a little bit smaller than us, and I just know if you explode, I just am sorry.

Okay? That's the sweetest thing a woman has ever said to me. Oh, the God. If you explode explode i'm sorry yeah i don't want to get into it but that is the sweetest thing okay so do you guys all touch it at the same time on the count of four because there's four ready one one two two three three four as soon you touch it, you lose your sense of hearing. And then you hear the booming voice of Captain Scurvy Holiday Legs.

Inside the chest is... Hold on. We're going to go ahead and keep that in. That's staying in, unfortunately. I added this, but I know that has to stay in. Inside this chest is treasure. Treasure beyond compare. But for those who dare, beware.

For this treasure can't be shared. Only one can claim this treasure. So choose the most worthy. Time is running short. It's best you all hurry. Wow, I thought he was going to end with Scurvy because that's his name. Me too. It was a slant rhyme.

Cut me some slack. We named the monkey Slack. Nope. Should be Jack. As soon as that little rhyme, those two couplets end, you can hear each other again. Well, obviously, I think we all know what we're going to do. And I think we can all say it on four. Ready? One, two, three,

four. I'm going to be the one to have the treasure. Hold on. You guys don't think you deserve it, right? I think I deserve it. I was about to put my little red rocket, my rock star on it. Yeah, I was about to put my little red rocket, my rock star on it. Yeah, I was about to give my full self to that guy. So I think it's mine.

I'm sorry. I am accustomed to a certain lifestyle. And I have gone from living in a palace to being around three dudes who talk about their thing-dongs more than I'd like to hear about in a lifetime. It's disgusting here. I should be the one to have the treasure. Your background is exactly why you don't deserve it, and you can see that I

wrote these 99 theses sort of thing weeks ago of why, in the event that we found treasure, I deserve it. And you can see, number three, beef is going to have an early death. We all know that. Beef said it in the job interview.

So like, that's fine. Chip, you owe me money. You owe me this favor. So like, right there at 14, you're out of here. So who needs the money more than me? If there's one person in here that's going to use this money effectively it's your boy chip okay can we cut to seeing what chip would do with the treasure

okay uh it's me i uh as chip i see in the bedroom and i see seb is like counting money and knowing that I owe him money I like walk quickly past the door and I leave the bar and I head to a print shop and I get a big sign that reads

chips on it and I hang the chips the sign that says chips over the bottoms up sign on bottoms up and I hang the chips the sign that says chips over the bottoms up sign on bottoms up can he first accidentally hang it in the sign next door like even in his fantasy he makes a mistake and hangs it in front of the wrong sign and has to take it all down

and put it back up I go to the place next door and I accidentally cover it up and then Seb walks out as I'm hanging this up I love it you know this is your fantasy. You don't have to get caught in your own fantasy. No, I do. I do.

What the hell, man? I'm so happy for you. You are always going to be successful. I knew it since we were kids. I said, that chimp, he's going to make it all right. Thanks, Seb. And thank also my wife Chalice Hi I'm your wife Chalice

Hello there it's me Wife Chalice Great sign hanging honey Be home for dinner and our kids later Good boobs And don't worry honey Beef lives with us too I know he's our little dog Can't wait to get home Oops. Good boots. Don't worry, honey. Beef lives with us, too.

I know. He's our little dog. Can't wait to get home to take me for a walk. That's Chip's version of Beef's voice. That's how Beef sounds to Chip. That's how Beef always sounds to Chip. Sounds to Chip. That's how beef always sounds to Chip. So in the actual room in real time, the pirate room, you guys are just watching Chip kind of like have a daydream and kind of do this weird beef voice.

Like, get away, get out. Under his breath. But then all of a sudden, we cut to Chalice's fantasy of what she would do with the treasure. Okay, so Chalice takes the treasure and goes into town and starts taking down all of the missing posters for her and then Reeb puts them back up, but they don't look like her anymore.

She's changed the face so people don't recognize her. But instead of just taking them down, which would have been cheaper, she uses the money to create completely new ones. The sign store is getting a lot of business in our fantasy. Yeah, she goes to the sign store. The sign store gets a huge chunk of the money to create new missing person signs that don't look like her.

And then she walks back home and then you think she's going to walk into Chip's, but then she just turns slightly, and then there's a beautiful tiny little cottage with a well that's just for her to be. So she still wants to work at Chip's, but she has her own little private space behind it where she can be at peace and not have to sleep in a room near all the guys. To confirm, in your fantasy, the bar bottoms up has been renamed to chips. Yes. I've at least taken the suggestion

that it's chips. And then we cut to Sebastian's fantasy of how he would spend the treasure. I'm handing a sack of gold to this this construction worker who has like a wrecking ball and you like you see the front of the inn and bar and like chalice beef and chip are all like pounding on the windows like we're still in here we're still in here and then it just like

crashes down the dust goes up and when it settles you see like me and I'm cutting the ribbon on my new business, which is a sign store and nail salon. And I'm like, that cucumber water, little too cucumbery, but we can afford it. I'm interesting now. You love me, right? We don't know that you guys die. We cut now to beefs fantasy well my beat mine it goes once again thank you for saving us a ton of money by adding your own audio effects

back alleyway a single table round table with a picnic tablecloth. One single candle, light, dim, two chairs, one big ass plate of spaghetti. There's beef on one side. And there's the love, this hottie, a hottie hottie, squatty body, beautiful patati sitting right across from him. She says, this is the best day of my life. And he says, there's more to come, baby. He picks up the fork and they slurp one long spaghetti, Lady and the Tramp style, and they start macking hard. And he's like, do you want to come back to my place?

And she's like, no, I want to come back to your place. So far, all the treasures bought him is a plate of spaghetti. It's a really expensive plate of spaghetti. It's in an alley. It's like gross thrown out spaghetti. This is the best spaghetti. Beef, if you want a couple gold coins, we could set that up for you. Yeah, I could get you spaghetti right now.

No, guys, no. My fantasy has always been find a big chest of treasure and go get the best plate of spaghetti. And beef. We didn't let you finish. We can jump back into yours. We're so sorry. We interrupted.

Yeah, we're sorry. We cut out. We didn't even get to hear about the sign store. Yeah, maybe at the end you go crazy at the sign store. I hope. Well, you wait till we get to her place. So, woo, woo, woo place. So we get back. We climb up the stairs.

She opens the door. We walk in and she turns on the lights. And I go, wow, these are beautiful. Did you make these? And she says, yes, these are signs. The sign store maker was a woman? Women can be anything. And then I say, oh, maybe this is a sign.

Oh! And then we go to pound town, baby! While you guys are having your fantasies and arguing about who deserves the treasure the most, your sense of hearing goes away again for a second, and your vision. There's a huge blinding light. And when you finally are able to look around your surroundings again, you're still in the same room, but now it is completely pirate-themed. What I mean by that is the walls, the room is.

So the walls look basically like an old screensaver where it's like a deserted island with a palm tree and then you can kind of see the ocean. That's like the design on each wall. And then one of the walls kind of flashes magically again and becomes kind of like the texture of what would be like an old kind of like pirate map. And then words appear on it.

And you hear the voice again. You quarreled too long, so it will cost you. But there's still hope for you to get through. You'll have to think to avoid your doom. Good luck trying to escape this room. And escape and room are capitalized. Escape and room? It's an escape room?

It's an escape room. It's an escape room. It's an escape room. It's an escape room. It's an escape room. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dotcom slash sitcom D&D. There was sand on the ground and now you can tell that it's getting higher. There's more sand coming into the room. Okay, well that changes a lot of things. So you can tell that the sand is getting higher and higher and

I'm going to roll to see how high it gets every 10 minutes of our time. And obviously, if it gets to the very top, you're going to have a very tough time breathing or getting anything done. Okay. I'm looking at, I'm rereading to see if there's any special words in the thing. Okay. Why don't you roll? And I rolled a six. Okay. Is don't you roll? And I rolled a six. Okay.

Is anybody else doing that? I'll do it, because I got a 22. Chalice, when you read it, you notice that the word escape is actually spelled with an X. It's E-X-C-A-P-E. Hey, guys. I think my boyfriend's trying to send me a message.

X-scape. See, look. And I point to it. How did I miss that? I was looking at that first. Because you rolled a six. I take out my axe and I immediately smash the axe. Okay.

So, you know that part in Lord of the Rings where Gimli's like... I take out my axe and I immediately smash the axe. Okay. I smash it. So you know that part in Lord of the Rings where Gimli's like... Haven't seen it, bud. And he said, I'll just destroy it right now. And he hits it and he explodes backwards and his axe breaks. Yeah. That's the good side where they're all cars, right? Yes.

That's cars. Okay. So that happens to you again. No, you're fine this cars. Okay. So that happens to you again. No, you're fine this time. Okay. Good lord. I'm going to help him up, and I'll be like, we got to really work on your reaction time. It's a freaking X.

It's so quick. So quick. I'm not supposed to dig where the X is? Am I? These are pirates, right? You guys are going to have to think about this one. Oh, no. This episode's going to require some thinking. Oh, no.

Sean, no! What is it on? Where is the X in relation to the map? What's it pointing to? Okay, the X, if the X is a square, because it is, like a rectangle, it is towards the bottom left.

Alright, well, maybe the map is of this room. Can we see what is the map of? Do we know? Yeah. That would be a good guess, is all I'll say. Okay, this map is of the room, okay? Yeah, let's go to the bottom. Him and I understand each other.

Okay, I take out my axe and I smash the bottom left of the room. Okay. You hit sand, you know, which it's hard to get too deep into sand with an axe blow, you know? Yeah. Remember, that sand is always rising here. Yeah, I forgot. So you've noticed it rise a foot since this started, okay?

Okay. And when you chop into the sand, you hear at the very end of the axe blow, a tink, tink, like a hit glass. Okay. Well, the sand is hot, hot, hot on my feet. It's very hot. You're digging, right, though? Yeah, I'll dig.

Yeah, totally. Can I pick up the treasure chest? Is the treasure chest still there? The treasure chest has disappeared. Okay. Okay, it's gone. Okay, I'm digging. It's actually, it's not buried that deep. You find it and it's a

bottle. It's a bottle. Ooh! What's inside of it? And then Chalice is like trying to be like fun and she's pretending to drink something out of it and she's like gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. And then sand falls out of it into your mouth. Yeah.

So actually what does fall out of it into your mouth is a message. Okay, I swallowed it. Okay. Next time I'll show you how I can tie a message with my tongue. My bar party trick. But we don't have the time for that. Whoa. Do you read the message?

Yeah, I'm going to read it. Okay, so this is what's on the message that was in the bottle. It's a series of numbers. 19, then 16, then 9, then 14, then a space, and then 13, and then 5. What the f fuck is happening, you guys? I know you don't like numbers, Beef.

I hate numbers. They make me so mad. Do numbers make Beef feel small? Yeah, they do. The higher the number, the angrier I get. What is this? Space. What is the 19th letter in the alphabet?

It's S. It goes S-P-I. S-P-I. Spit. Spit me. Spin. Spin. Spin me.

Spin the bottle. Spin the bottle. Spin the bottle. Spin the bottle. Spin the bottle. Spin the bottle. Let's kiss each other. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I grab it.

I snatch it. I want to snatch the bottle from Jalos' hand, and I want to spit it first. Sebastian was so taken away with thinking that it was spit me, and so he's just like spitting all over the room. He's just, I want the record to show I didn't even begin to start doing that.

Solving that puzzle. I was like, what is everyone doing? Beef, open your mouth. I have to fill your mouth with spit. I think that's what it means. Wait, you guys, Kip is spinning the bottle.

Oh, spin me. Spin me, okay. Yeah, I set it down. I set down the bottle and I spin it and I have my fingers crossed as I gaze upon Chalice. Okay. Now, I, because this is random, I'm going to pick a number between one and 20 in my

head. Okay. And I want the other three who did not spin the bottle to pick a number. God, I've already kissed Beef and Seb in previous parties. I just want to kiss chalice just once are you whispering no i'm not whispering and so the bottle is spinning and it's slowing down and slowing down it just passes beef and now it's really slowing down and it's coming up to chalice and then it doesn't quite stop keeps going and lands on Sebastian yes I'm putting on

I'm putting on Vaseline on my lips I'm like let's just do it man okay I I I wait to see hoping that like maybe maybe it's not a kiss thing and maybe something magical happens no man I think it it you have to kiss her I mean him yeah full, I still have a lot of spit in my mouth from when I was going to spit into Beef's mouth. Oh, I thought you got rid of that. You never spit that out? I didn't want to lose that moisture. I don't know how long we're going to be in here.

Speaking of which, I rolled, and you guys got a little bit lucky as far as the pacing of the sand in the last 10 minutes. So it's only gone up about like a foot and a half. Okay. I saunter sweetly over to my boy Seb. And I obviously ask for his consent. And I say, Seb, is it okay if I kiss you as a result of the bottle spinning?

Yeah. What a romantic pickup line. As a result of the bottle spitting. Oh, Chalice, would that work on you normally? I can't hear you. Oh, okay. Weird. As Chip and Seb get closer to each other,

I pull out popcorn out of nowhere and I offer some to Chalice. And Chalice is just mindlessly reaching over and getting the popcorn and throwing it up in the air and missing her mouth because she's so excited i i i wrap my arms up and around um seb's neck uh in a way that i remember his wife previously wrapping his arms around him uh Oh my God. I'm crying. Yeah.

I close his eyes so that he can even picture his sweet love. And I do give him a little peck. And as soon as your guys' lips touch, once again, everything goes super bright just for a flash. And then you're back. Everything seems to be normal. So Sebastian, you're the first to notice that everything's the exact same except for

in each corner of the room and one kind of in the middle, perched on almost like a cane sticking out of the sand, like a random branch of wood pedestal, is a parrot. There are now five parrots in the room with you guys. There's parrots here. Hey, Chalice, you recognize any of these parrots in the room with you guys. There's parrots here.

Hey, Chalice, you recognize any of these parrots as your mans? Yeah, that little one, see? Because he says something hilarious. Ready? I just give him a little boop boop boop. Say hi, parrot. See? How cute is he? He just copies you. Do you remember

me, parrot? You remember me, parrot? Yeah, I remember you? Yeah, I remember you. Yeah, I remember you. Okay. Yeah. Fuck you, man. Oh, fuck you, man. And then I go to swing at the parrot.

Whoa. Don't knock me. Bitch. Bitch, parrot. I hold Chalice back. I hold Chalice back. Can I go check a different parrot? Yeah.

So, Chip, you talking to the parrot in the northeast corner. Yeah, I recognize what Chalice was doing, and I don't want to get gatt. So I say, I'm a stupid head. I'm a stupid head. Oh, okay. They all do the same thing, I think. What? Oh, man.

How far apart are we? Why do you keep not being able to hear me? We're literally all stuck in a small room. We're in one room. With the floor getting higher, that would easily bounce sound off of it. It's a smaller, this room just keeps getting smaller. What?

Okay. Beef, you talk to your parrot. Yeah, I want to ask my parrot, do you have a sandwich, parrot? Squawk, do you have a sandwich, parrot? Squawk, do you have a sandwich, parrot? No, I don't have one. No, I don't have one.

You don't have one? You don't have one. Excuse me. Excuse me. No. So that one's just mirroring you back, too. That was the cutest thing I've ever heard. Sebastian, you talk to your parrot. cutest thing i've ever heard sebastian you

talked to your parents there's only two left which one do you pick i said southeast i think why don't you ask a question hey um can i tell you a secret hey can i tell you a secret that one's weird that one's mean that one's mean i what what i feel like that's the that one's doing the thing that i assumed the other one was doing But he's doing it for real What the hell man What what He's having a bad day

I'm having the worst day okay man I was gonna tell you I'm supposed to be nice about it Oh wow I'm leaving my parrot And I'm backing up my buddy Seb. I'm leaving my parrot well behind. Yeah, I'm behind Seb now.

I wanted a comfort animal. I was going to open up how I'm worried that if I ever had children, they wouldn't even like me. I was going to tell you that. Oh boy, buddy. Okay, and that's my problem. How? Whoa. Wow.

We can talk to him like that. I hold Chow's back again. Hey, hey. F*** you, f***ing parrot. We can talk to our friend like he's a piece of shit, but you can't. He's our friend and he's our boss and he's the numbers guy. That's right. F*** you.

But parrot, you'll bitch, parrot. Hey, I'm not having a great day either, okay? I didn't want to work today, but here I am. You're working right now? Yeah, this is kind of what i do what the what is what you do yeah what is what you do what is what you do i'm part of this escape room oh wow this parent is fucking nuts man this is your is your job? You get paid for this? It's a living.

How much do you get paid? Like six crackers a day. Oh. Not bad. That's more than we get, Seb. I hold Chow's back. Hey, you don't give us six crackers a day. I want crackers, Seb.

You pay me with human money. I give you a good wage plus tips. Plus, you didn't even ask my name. You didn't introduce yourself. You didn't ask ask my name. You didn't introduce yourself. You didn't ask me my name or anything about my self-worth. Doesn't feel good, does it? I just might not even participate in this one. Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Parrot.

I might not participate in this one unless you turn this one around. Whoa. Okay, now this is fucked up. Oh, yeah, now this is fucked up. I hold the parrot back from fighting. Okay, I was not expecting that. Now I'm getting a little bit f***ing pissed. Oh, make my day, buddy.

I got a bunch of popcorn. I'll stick it right up your keister. I had a whole thing that I was kind of basing this off of and now you've got me emotional and it's making less sense. Okay, okay, okay, everybody. All right, I'll introduce. My name's Chalice. The angry one is Sebastian.

The dummy is Chip. And the little one with the cutest little cheeks I've ever seen is Beef. Wait, what? I'm just here to have fun. I'm being described as the dummy? Okay, what's the next clue, bud? Now that you know our names, what's your name and what's the next clue? My name is Chandler Bing.

Oh, boy. You're burning that this early into the series? That's a very common name in this world. How about that? My name is Chandler Beak. Better? Go back. Chandler Wing.

Chandler Wing, it was right there. Okay, now you can't have that one for free. You have to pay me in six crackers if you want that. Deal. So what's your deal? You have to ask questions to figure out the next clue. You're gonna get basically yes or no answers. Why? Oh, okay. Are you actually a parrot?

Uh, you think? That's a yes. That's a yes in sarcasm. What do we have to do with the, uh, do we have to do something with the parrots to get to our next clue? Like, do we have to talk to you guys or something else beyond our conversation with you? Uh, you think? Will the sand

stop going if I kiss you? Yeah, the sand will stop going if you kiss me. Are you being sarcastic? Is that a yes? That's a sarcastic no. He's Chandler Wing. Oh, he's sarcastic. This is the key.

He's going to be sarcastic. Could there be any more clues? There we go. I think you guys are on it now okay so your names are um uh Rachel Green your um

do I have to name them you think oh shit we got a name that's a yes what That's a yes. What was everyone's conversation with their parrot, and what did it seem like they were? All the other ones just copied us. Oh, fuck.

Okay, but they kind of look like, this one has a very distinguished haircut that I think a lot of people would copy. So let's call this one, what's a bird pun for Rachel Green? Rachel. Okay, so that one's a bird pun for Rachel Green? Rachel. Okay, so that was definitely Rachel. I'm trying, I'm trying, yeah.

So as soon as you said Rachel, that parrot's eyes turn red. Oh, that's wrong. No, that's good. I'm going to say that's good. Red is famously good. Okay, they turn green. I just say Ross. Okay, another parrot's eyes turn green.

Okay. Phoebe. Joey. There's only five of them. There are six friends. How many friends cast members are there? Six. Six.

A sixth parrot squirms out of the sand. Oh, that's gotta be Phoebe. That's classic Phoebe. That's classic Phoebe. And the eyes go green. Ding. And all of a sudden, all the parrots now you've said all the members of friends start chanting at the same time do they chant i'll be there for you uh it's to that tune somehow i can't do it but just know that it is uh and they start chanting

and uh all like all humanity that seemed to be in them, except for the one that you were talking to the most, their eyes are just all green now. And they start chanting in unison. To one another you are in debt. Give what is owed or your deaths will be best. To one another you are in debt. Give what is owed or your deaths will be best.

That's amazing. And I'm going to roll for the sand. So now it's about three and a half feet of sand to where like you're kind of crouching like over. You can't stand up straight, especially you, Chip, and you, Chalice, the two taller people. So we just got to just pay each other back all the shit that we owe each other? Okay, Tip, you must be feeling a little stressed. I got freaking called out earlier. For starts, I think I'm owed a few apologies.

Sebastian, you figured it out. Everyone owes one another an apology. Whoa. So if it's not heartfelt, this isn't gonna work oh dang you guys i actually have something to say that's been on my chest for a while beef you're wringing your hands together and sort of rocking back and forth um oh beef what is it yeah just say you guys know i kind of came out of nowhere i just walked walked in and didn't really ask about my uh backstory and i didn't want you to i didn't want anyone to know but uh i don't have a family i don't have a mom i don't know who my mom

or my dad is uh i actually grew up with a bunch of pig tribe, big tribe. Yeah, that makes sense. They didn't really accept me growing up. I wasn't like them, so they called me beef. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, and I never felt like I really belonged anywhere. I actually got kicked out of the tribe for being too me. Whoops.

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I was wandering around these parts, playing my lute and my flute and all my toots. And I came and found you guys. All my toots led me to you guys. That makes a lot of sense. all my toots led me to you guys. And I just want to say, I just want to say,

this doesn't happen very often, hold it together, beef. You guys are my family. And I know I can piss and fart and shit a lot. So I'm sorry for how I've been. I'm a lot. I'm a lot. But hey, thanks for sticking with me.

And with that, you can tell, you hear some rumbling underneath your feet. And the sand that's been pouring in slows down a little bit. And one of the walls returns to the normal bottoms up wall well that'll do it huh yeah that's about it and that is good alright so we're done it is not the wall

that the door is on it's not the wall the door is on the door doesn't exist right now so glad it was just you beef because I have nothing nice to say. That's so funny. Oh, man. Okay.

Well, someone has to go next. Okay. Everybody's looking at me again. So I guess I'll go. I know that I'm not as popular as I like to think that I am. that I'm not as popular as I like to think that I am. But I know that there's three people that think I'm the coolest guy in the whole gosh darn world. And I'm looking at them right here.

If the three of you think that I'm the hero that I think I am, that's all I need in this world. Not no stinking pirates, not no stinking parrots. Just having y'all by my side has always been enough. I know, Chalice, you're a recent addition, and that's kind of been nice too, but just...

So I'm sorry if I ever try to be something that I'm not, because you guys make me feel whole. H-O-L-E. E-O-L-E And with that the sand slows down a little bit more and one of the walls fades

back to the normal bottoms up wall And that'll do it again Thank you sir We're done just in time for supper Let's all make a sandwich There's no door anymore Do it again. Oh, thank you, sir. We're done. Just in time for supper. Yeah, let's all make a sandwich. And oh, there's no door anymore.

I guess it should be me. When I ran away, I didn't know where I was running to. All I knew was I wanted a new life. And when I was trying to think of a place to go, I thought of the time when I was in a parade going across the city. And I was looking out across all the faces. And we passed bottoms up. And there was three just absolute idiots sitting on the roof laughing and drinking a beer together.

And they had their arms around each other. And they were clearly making fun of me and my brother and my family and I thought, I'd rather be sitting with those guys. And I don't know who they were. But it made me want to come to Bottoms Up. Oh my God, wait, I think they were you guys. Yeah, that was us.

Okay, holy shit, okay. It's 100% us. Okay, wow. Yeah, we were making fun of your brother, Prince Milk Nip. I didn't even realize where i was running until i got there and now i realized i was running to my new family so i'm sorry that i'm so bad at my job and i never i wasn't like totally listening said when you told me what i was supposed to do and i only hear like every fifth word but it's okay you guys welcomed me with open arms and And for that, I'm thankful. And from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.

Wait, no. From the bottom of my hole. Again, the sand slows down almost to a stop. And a third wall turns back to normal. I'm waiting so much to see if Seb does the joke for a third time or if he expands on it. Yeah. I'm really excited. So Seb's going to walk over to a wall.

He's going to get some sand in his hand and just kind of like watch it go to the ground. He goes, earlier today, we couldn't see and we couldn't hear. All we could smell was beef's fart. Sorry. And in that moment, you kind of see in your mind and your mind fills that space with what is like most important. The thing that I saw wasn't my missing life. It was your faces. And you know, you don't have many opportunities to kind of bask in a moment where it feels yellow, it feels pure, it feels warm, and it just kind of showers over you just so golden, that light so warm.

You have to relish in that. You're relishing in that golden shower, man. I totally get it. Shit, I did it. That makes sense. I did it again. That makes sense. Shit, I did it again.

What I was trying to say is I love you guys, and I've had a lot on my mind, but that's my stuff, and that's because I'm scared of letting go and opening to the deluge of your personalities and to the love that I get from you guys. I want to open up those floodgates and I want to just be deluged by you guys. I'm ready to deluge you, man. So just open up your holes. Holes.

Holes. As you all say, holes in unison. A warm golden shower of light. Deluges. didn't mean all of you we'll never know and and you hear the voice of the captain again there are good ships and there are wood ships the ships that sail the sea but if you can name the best ship, the treasure yours will be. We all hold hands. Black girl.

Titanic, Titanic. It's Titanic. On three, say Titanic. But then Chalice leans down and picks up the bottle and she goes, this is a hug bottle now. And then she spins it and it turns in, it somehow points in all three of their directions. And then she goes, a friendship.

Friendship. Friendship. And as soon as you guys all hug, boom, you're deluged in a golden shower of wet life. Oh, delusion. I love it. I got to talk to the pirates last night. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I don't even have a tarp down. I don't have a tarp down. The room's completely back to normal and clean all of a sudden. Whoa. Yes. I did this. Clean. I did it.

I did a good job. I did it. This counts as me cleaning. This counts as me. This counts as me. The doors open and Chandler Wing actually flies out the door. There goes the most homophobic bird I've ever seen. And in walks in.

Yeah, this is not my turn. Ahoy. So, did you figure it out? The real treasure was friendship all along. Yeah, we said that. We already did that whole thing. Oh, good! Hey, man, I'm really flattered. Man, I'm so flattered that you came back.

But I'm sort of just trying to focus on my friendships right now and my new job. Oh, yeah. I remember you. You're the lady that was talking to that coat rack all night. What? Yeah, I put my captain's hat on that coat rack and you just talk to it all night. Yikes.

The prize should be more than just the friendship and it is. I promise, it is. The real treasure's right here. And he holds up four coupons to my escape room emporium. 20% off.

Suddenly this is back to being the worst day of my life. We actually, we have a policy where we don't support other small businesses. It's competition. We just can't. We just can't. And I'm sorry that I have to do this and I reach behind my back

and just pull up a katana and I'm like, but you need to leave, man. There's good, there's, I got something. So he digs in his- Well, a sandwich he digs in his pirate hungry he digs in his pirate sack and what we're gonna do just so you walk away with some actual treasure what I'm talking about his scrotum next to his fing dong so yeah to his Fing Dong and his pirate scrotum, he's digging around, and I'm going to have everyone roll a D100, and it's going to be one of the actual D&D random objects

that they supply in the book that are actually really fun. Oh, cool, and we can use these maybe in another episode? Right. Okay, so what did everyone roll? It was 88. Okay. So Sebastian rolled an 88. Pirate Captain digs around in his pirate sack and he pulls out a book that tells the story

of a legendary hero's rise and fall with the last chapter missing. Oh. Oh my God. He's going to hate that. All right. Who's next? I got 60. Okay, so the pirate digs in his sack

and he hands to Beef a glass eye. Yep. And you have a lazy eye. I don't know if this can work for you if you want to pop out a real one, but it's a glass eye. I do. All right, who's next?

41. Give it to me, pirate. Yeah, give it to him, pirate. Give it to me, pirate. Yeah, give it to him, pirate. Give it to him, pirate. Here's like a little glass orb filled with water in which swims a clockwork goldfish. Whoa, like a mechanical goldfish? Yeah. That's fun.

You're a little pet now. I place it upon my little head and I balance it. That's impressive. Name him. Name the fish. He already has a name. Oh, okay. What is it? We named the fish Jack.

Okay. He did it. Because the movie. Alright, I rolled a 67. Chels, you pull out a gold monocle frame. Without the lens. Oh!

What does it do? This man is giving us trash. What does it do? Well, it's a... It can sit on your face and frame your eye. I'll keep it. Your turn. Want me to dig in my own sack? Yeah.

Yeah, grab. I would love for you to dig in your own sack. Going to dig in my own sack. You get one for setting this whole thing up. Yeah, come on. Oh, a 98. Yeah, we appreciate it. And it's a glass jar containing lard with a label

that reads, Griffin Grease. I wanted the label to read not lard. So I can keep this. Yeah, bud! Yeah, it's yours! Yeah! It's for you, man! That's for you! That's for you!

Mr. Pirate Man. Yes? What is your name? My real name is Jack. Again? Like what? We named them, I named me Jack. Again?

Okay, I thought your name was something else. But I have one question. Yes? Why? Why? Why? Well, to garner more business for my escape room in Porium. Come down anytime.

We're just 16 doors down on the main lane. You're gonna have to buy an ad. And a sign. You gotta buy a sign. And we know the perfect place for you to go for that. The nail salon okay so what you're about to hear was

actually recorded during the next recording session that we had a few weeks later and you'll see why i chose to include it in a second sorry i remembered that we got gifts at the end of our episode oh yeah do we oh my god yeah uh could we remind us of those i think mine was a glass eye i forgot yeah it was willie do you remember yours i have absolutely no recollection of what i know someone's was a like a um steampunk goldfish in a bowl or something like that. What? No. I don't think anyone's with that. You're making that up, dude. I swear to God. I have no recollection of that.

I think you're making that up, man. Don't you fucking guess like me. I feel like one of us would have been like, yeah, that definitely was it. Yeah. We're all betting it. Steampunk fish. You fuckers. We're mad Steampunk fish You fuckers

We're mad at your lies Mine was a book about a hero with the last chapter missing Ah yes it was See the response that I got If it wasn't for Rio It would have been something like that That's so funny You guys are insane

Don't gaslight me Yeah I'm gonna feel really bad if you're right I'm not That's so funny. You guys are insane. Don't gaslight me. Yeah, I'm going to feel really bad if you're right. I'm not. You guys just had a lot of fun roasting him. I'm not going to, yeah. Yeah, even if I'm proven wrong, I'm not going to apologize. You know what? This is going to probably make the episode.

Just to prove that I'm right. Oh. Oh, my God. Everybody lose this audio. Edit it out before you send it to Sean. And we'll go, Sean, we never even had that conversation. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

Our theme song was written by the masterful Arnie Parrott, and I did the editing on this one. Thanks so much for listening to stay up to date on the show you can follow us on instagram and twitter at sitcom dnd that's sitcom and the letters d and d if you've enjoyed our first three episodes and you're hungry for more you can head to our patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom dnd where we'll be releasing a bonus episode every week. Episodes like Get to Know You Happy Hours, Bad Sitcom Improv, Chip's Tips, where Chip doles out relationship advice and one-shots in other TV genres. Speaking of which, we have our first stretch goal set so that if we get to 200 patrons, we'll release a one-shot that takes place in a different TV genre.

This one was written and GMed by our own Aaron Keefe, and it takes place in a different TV genre. This one was written and GM'd by our own Aaron Keefe and it takes place in a Grey's Anatomy type world. It's completely different characters and tone and it was an absolute blast to record so we're really excited to share it with y'all. So if any of that sounds interesting to you, head over to patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Patreon is the fuel that this show runs on so if you like it, consider joining if you can't help us financially you can still help us out a ton by rating this show and subscribing wherever you get podcasts or by recommending this show to a friend who likes weird shit

I think that's it for now, until next week and thanks as always for listening that was a hate gun podcast