SitcomD&D - S1 E4: The Narrow-Way Guild

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

In this week's episode Beef needs help from the gang to put on the show of his life to impress the elite of elite in the theater world, The Narrow-Way Guild. Will they pull it off?  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Episode Story Concept by: Erin Keif Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Has anybody ever seen like real bull riding? Yes. In person? Oh, not in person. It is very stressful. So where I grew up in Dexter, Michigan, that was a thing that kids in my high school did was go and ride a bull.

You could pay like 20 bucks and you could go ride a bull. And you had an option. This is my favorite part is you, you had to wear like a chest pad, but my favorite part is you had an option between wearing a helmet or a cowboy hat. You can't do both. You can't do both.

Cowboy hats. I got to fit over the helmet. So helmet or cowboy hat? That's like a car dealership being like, you have the option in this sedan for either an airbag or a big jar of confetti. One's pretty fun. It's a Friday night and the place is bumping. There's a pretty good crowd there and they've been drinking. And guess who's on stage?

It's beef, baby. Every night's beef night and tonight the beef is extra hot. Okay? With peppers. Ooh! Spicy beef. Peppers. Who's Spicy Pete?

Spicy Pete? Isn't that what you just said? but now spicy pete is also there spicy pizza regular that beef sometimes hands a tambourine and goes this is awesome yeah lights are on sound speeding and we're rolling and we're rolling. Dice! away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else.

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. We're in the middle of Beef's performance. And as we know, Bottoms Up has seen some shit. And it's kind of in disarray right now. Especially the stage. Beef's performance. And as we know, Bottoms Up has seen some shit. And it's kind of in disarray right now, especially the stage. Beef, I actually just need you to roll for Constitution as you're playing. Plus two. And a two.

So four. Four. Okay, so as you're playing, can we get an example of what you're playing right now? Let's, this is the quiet hour. This is where we slow it down. We slow it down. Hey, anybody with a loved one out there? Anybody love, love?

Can I get a woo? Spicy Pete. And as you're doing this back and forth with the audience, your foot goes through the floor. Oh, my balls. My balls. Oh, my balls. Somebody get an ambulance. Somebody get a piece of... Oh, yeah.

Call the ambulance. It's getting hot in here. Oh, spicy pee. Spicy pee. What's up? I need your help. Elizabeth, roll for performance right now uh but roll at disadvantage that means you roll twice and take the worst roll first one is 19 okay

second one is 19 so this still rocks and yeah no the place is still bumping they're like whoa the direct turning people are turning to each other. I'm like, beef's on one tonight. This is like a whole other level of intensity. But now I want you to roll for the constitution of your instrument, of your lute. I just did, and I got a 20. You got a 20? Yeah.

18 plus two. Beef is on one tonight. Beef is hot tonight. Beef is hot tonight. Beef is hot tonight. Beef is hot. Maybe stop being so hot for the sake of the plot, Beef. Oh my God. But at the same time, your other foot goes through the stage.

So you are like just, you're Winnie the Poohed halfway through the stage. And that gave way to some other kind of structural shit. It's been raining pretty bad and it's been dripping in certain areas. It fully gives way and it's like a bucket of water pours down on top of you. And so now we're going to check in, roll another performance check to see how this affects what's going on. Okay, nine plus five. It's a bit distracting.

I mean, you're dealing with a lot. I'm wet. Wet beef. You're wet beef. You're in pain. You're balls. There's something going on there, if I recall. For sure. Yeah. So you're not comfortable, and it's just kind of wearing on you at this point. And now people are getting kind of

drenched from the elements because there's pretty much an active hole in the ceiling okay oh yeah everyone beefed hard in their jeans that's been stinky pete or whatever the f**k his name is and it's spicy but yeah oh spicy pete i'm so sorry hell Hey, meet us at the bar. Buy us a drink, maybe 20. Catch us at the bar. Beef, as you are kind of hobbling towards the bar, you put your arm around Spicy Pete

and he's helping you get over there. And what you notice is three people in very elegant robes. On their elegant robes, they have a brooch, a bronze brooch that has three masks on it. Comedy and tragedy. And then the mask in the middle is like The Rock doing an arched eyebrow.

Oh, no. I'm so excited. And so you immediately clock this and of course you know that this is the brooch of the narrow way guild of high art fuck and they are the real deal anyone who knows about bardic performances and live performance anyone who's anyone is a member of the narrowway guild of high art and they were just at your show and they're not talking to you after it they're they're on their way out and so that means they you're probably devastated i mean yeah you're devastated right now they're they're not interested but if you want to stop them or try to talk to them before they leave, you can.

I do. Okay. I have to. Okay. You have to. So you're trying to hobble over there. You realize you're not going to catch them in time. Okay.

So you do notice that Chip is by the door. Yeah. Hey, Chip, Chip. Chippy Chip. Oh, beef. What's going on? Good show, man. Thanks, man.

My balls are screaming. Could you hold those people? What's that? Could you hold those guys from leaving? They're leaving. Aren't they allowed to leave? Quick, tell them a joke. Tell them a joke. Tell them a joke. Okay. Yeah.

I guess I could tell them a joke. I know you can. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. We don't have time for any of these. Is. Sirs. I got a good one for you. Oh, my God.

This night will never end. A joke, a joke, a joke, a joke. Okay. He doesn't even have one. Come on. Let's go. How about a little knock knock? Oh, I'm familiar.

Moo. Moo. Who's there? Oh, I'm familiar. Moo. Moo. Who's there? Wait, hold on. A cow that interrupts you. Moo. Who's there? Hey, guys.

Hey, I hobbled my way over here. Technically work. Technically worked. Technically, you crushed it. We've seen quite enough. Hey, hi guys. You check the performance out up there? That's not usually, this isn't my best night. You guys kind of caught me.

You caught me on the best night and the worst night. To say the least, it was uninspired. I thought it was an incredible performance. This is like one of your top performances. Well, you are an idiot. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud? You did.

Yes, you screamed it at me. You yelled it, actually. I wish I would have showed some reserve. Let go of me, too. You're holding on to me. Let go. Listen, we came here. I'm sure you're not even familiar with what we do or who we are, but we are with the Narroway

Guild of High Art, and we are looking for acts that meet our expectations. Hey, I could get back up there i can do i can do tricks i can go for days you don't understand if we were to take a risk on you and that would certainly be a risk what that would mean is that we would be effectively backing you giving you lots of our own finances to make your stage a reasonable stage, to give your performances a backing that would be deserved of someone of our standing, to pour in money into advertising with the town crier and parchment with sticky stuff on the back that we put onto walls. on the back that we put onto walls. People expect a certain amount of quality when we put our stamp of approval on things, and let's just say you fall very short. I can be better.

I can be better. I want that. I need that. I've wanted that my whole life. Just give me a second chance. I didn't know you guys were here. I mean, Spicy Pete was taking a lot of the center stage, and usually that's my stuff.

Yeah, usually Spicy Pete's way less involved, but that's, I mean, yeah. So I could be more involved. No, Spicy Pete, no. Okay, well, this has been my dream since I was a kid. This has been my dream since I was a kid. This has been my dream since I was a kid. No, no, it's not your dream. You're wrong about that.

And I'm so excited to finally have my shot. Spicy Pete's turn to take the stage. No, Spicy Pete, he started out cleaning the toilets here. He doesn't even work here. He doesn't even go here. Well, if so, did you? No. Chip, whose side are you on? I'm on your side, Beef.

Beef, when you're done with your shift, the guy that writes riddles on the toilet paper is back, and so people have just not been using it, okay? So the place smells like shit, and there's shit everywhere, okay? But if you can answer three riddles, I guess you can go to bed this is Seb yeah I know Seb my god

okay I was just behind this curtain sorry am I interrupting um um uh beef the girls room is pretty disgusting can you clean it up when you get a chance former princess chalice all three of them bow.

Oh, I remember you. Oh, yes, you do. Well, in case, do you remember our names or do we need to remind you? Ooh, I don't recall your names, but I do know that you used to put on your cute little shows for us at the palace. Yes. that you used to put on your cute little shows for us at the palace. Yes. I'm sure you saw fantastic things at the palace,

and all of them were accredited by Narroway Guild of High Art. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've seen so many shows at very fancy places. Are you thinking about backing us? You guys, if they're thinking about backing us, we're going to have lots of money. Their stuff sounds like it sucks, though. Is this like boring, boring stuff?

I don't know, but it's boring boring stuff do you know who you're speaking to sir my name is sir pompous prestigious i'm sorry sir pompous prestigious let me guess your other names is it fancy mcduber and um uh ruffles mcgee over here fancy mcduber's sick this is dr laureate and and our third member wait your first name is doctor or you're a doctor first name doctor but they are a certified cna what no? No, I'm just... We would... What? Beef here is very...

Chip. And I just punch Chip in the stomach really hard and fast. Yeah. I punch Chalice harder back. I punch Chip harder back. Okay, start rolling for damage at this point. This is not helpful. 15. 15 does not helpful. 15.

15 does not hit me. Yeah, Chalice punches me and I turn around. And punch her with 10 times the force. I critted. Oh my God. You just murdered her. I critted with six damage.

I can't believe I'm taking damage from a fight I initiated that was unnecessary. So 12 damage. What the fuck is going to happen to me? She buried your ass. So he completely knocks the wind out of Chalice while she's mid-conversation talking to these guys. Chip! Chip! Chip!

My God! We have to get out of this bottomless abyss. No way! Meep, stop it. Ask for a second chance. Have them come back tomorrow night. They could change this place financially. Come back tomorrow. Boys, men, sirs.

Just give us one more chance. You didn't even ask my name. Get out of here, Spicy Pete. My God. No, Beef, that was one of the people. That's one of the people. Oh, what the hell? How dare you?

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I got to know this person's name. What's your name? My name is Cats Cats? Cats? The longest running show on Broadway?

That is right And you better not forget My name's Cats Fia, fia, fia Damn Tell him that you'll Put on a whole new show tomorrow night you'll put on a whole new show tomorrow night

I'll put on a whole new show it'll be really fancy and it's time to come back you know what I nearly pissed my fur watching that last show oh shit is he a cat is he like a cat person I think he literally is a cat named cat

he looks exactly straight out of the movie cats oh okay oh my god i love that okay i'd love to come back here tomorrow and piss my fur watching you again so i gotta ask cats do you like pissing your fur is that good or bad i think you guys should get... Chalice, what is wrong with you? Yeah, what is going on? I'm a...

God! Okay, enough of this tomfoolery. We will come back tomorrow. Yes! And you will be judged harshly this time. Yes, yes, yes! All you have to do to be accredited is put on a show that meets the guild's standards for high art what does that entail well it's just the opposite of what you've

done just now your show will need a sound narrative structure high drama strong ethos and compelling execution and believable acting. Oh, gross. In other words, no farting, no dirty perverted songs, and overall no nonsense. Good luck, Beef. You'll have to change and fast. Wait, only Beef gets a chance?

Don't we all get a chance? It would be of the utmost stupidity to attempt this alone. I'll tell you that much. I've never seen a good autistic triumph that didn't involve more than one person. Well, they have a good director and maybe a good writer, stage manager.

He farts as hard as he can angrily. Silence! Whoa! Hey, Beef! Somebody wrote in lipstick that if this toilet's not cleaned in 21 minutes, they're going to start killing hostages! We've got to find these hostages! Oh, Leo!

Just the craziest amount of things happen in five seconds. Again, I'm behind a curtain. I don't know who you're talking to, but I really could use some help right now. This is a touch and go sort of situation with a lot of things burning up fast. I'll be there in a second, Seb. I'm dealing with an angry fart right now. Okay, this is Seb. We'll have it all sorted out.

It will be a four-person cast for tomorrow with Keith as the lead, and it will be all set, sir. Thank you for your good tidings, and Merry... Christmas. ...evening to you. Okay, goodbye.

Okay, thank you. I hope you know by the smell of my flatulence that we are mean business. Yeah, I think we got it loud and clear. And make sure that the seats are uncomfortable. What?

Kat, you're freaking wild. You want the seats to be uncomfortable? Yeah, just mine. And make sure there's something for me to scratch on. Fuck. Okay. Okay.

Someone write that down. And if I don't cry, if you don't make me cry, then there's no way we're saying yes. Hold on. We have to make you cry and piss? Uh-huh. Okay. Okay. Well, let's go.

And Kat starts kind of tiptoe dancing, and then it gets faster and faster, and then he shoots out the door, and the other two follow after. The same way? Seven. He goes left, they go right. They're going out for another drink,

and he's not invited. We'll see you curtains up at 7 p.m sharp can't wait good luck oh you guys i i i'm weighing over my head i don't know how i'm gonna pull this off beef it's gonna be okay what were the criteria that they said that your plane needed? Remember that list? What was it? It was like strong ethos. Hey, somebody say ethos.

I'm here now. The part that I heard, Ethan. No. You know what? No, Spicy Pete. Well, only four. They said only four Prince and Catherine. Who's sitting out?

Spicy Pete, you are. Well, only four. They said only four Prince and Katha. Who's sitting out? Spicy Pete, you are. I'm not sitting out. Who's sitting out? Spicy Pete, why don't you go clean the bathroom for Beef, and then we'll have a cast meeting. Okay. So that makes me, I guess I am in charge of set design, is what it sounds like.

Sounds great. I don't know what's happening. Oh, yeah, Seb, we haven't filled you in. Spicy Pete is going to go clean the bathroom and start on the set design is what it sounds like. I don't know what's happening. Oh yeah, Seb, we haven't filled you in. Spicy Pete is going to go clean the bathroom and start on the set design. Okay, have fun, Spicy Pete. Alright, Beef, you can do this, but you're going to have to get classy

and fast. Beef, come on, look. Beef, look at me. Look at me. I don't know, guys. I don't know. Beef, come on, guys. Tell Beef he can do it. Beef, look. Beef beef you can solve this mystery no I'm sorry Seb Seb I love your immediate enthusiasm yeah it's beef has to put on a show and apparently we all have to be like in it or something like that for these fancy i'm

gonna call them d heads i think they're a bunch of dhs i think that their technical name is the narrow way guild you know how all the business owners on the street seb have a fancy stage with fancy funding and fancy patrons they're the elite of the elite. Like, you don't get it. This is my moment. This is my Brad Pitt moment. Everyone has one. The actor that lives in that hole in the middle of town? Yeah. This is my moment.

This is where everyone's going to talk about this. This is going to be the buzz. This is my moment to rise above. And, oh, man, I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm gonna slap beef twice. Just bam, bam. But not hard enough to do damage

and go get it together, all right? This isn't just about you. This is about all of us. We're gonna get a grant and we're gonna get money and we're gonna turn that into a capital investment. A better stage means more patrons. More patrons means bigger sacks of clams, dollars, bills in your pockets.

Okay? Listen to me. I'm not charismatic, but I'm not f***ing around anymore. All right? You're a star. Well, it sounds like what you need is a choreographer. Is that what it sounds like? We're actually having a staff meeting.

I don't know who you are, but I will light you on fire. That guy has two pegged legs. Oh, are you worried I can't dance with these? Oh, do a dance right now. And then he just, as in like a drummer doing a double stroke roll, he taps his right leg twice. Duh, left one dump dump then again his right dump dump dump dump until it's a blur of sound then he slams both his peg legs onto the ground rockets into the air does like a

900 Christ air and then lands on one peg leg takes his hat all the way off and goes what did you think of that?

I think we're good right guys? Yeah I think we're doing a straight play. I don't think we're doing a musical anymore. Yeah I went into the back to get some matches

did I miss something you guys? I completely understand and he starts to peg leg off and he's way worse at walking than he is at dancing and he just exits what a mysterious guy that i hope we never meet again i'm so sorry do we need to keep that guy around not at all i just made him up just now so we really might never see that man again so what are we doing are we doing a musical are we doing well it sounds like you need a writer okay we got it just know i see a whole

list of people i see a line there's a line you can all go we're actually really early in the series, so we kind of have to focus on the core four. Okay, Beef, you can do this, okay? You're the director, Beef, and just put us to work. I danced ballet and all sorts of other French things for many, many years. I'm very talented. I can play the harp backwards. Chip is super strong and charismatic

and kind of a weirdo. And then Seb, you're... You've got something you'd be great at on stage too, I'm sure. Just put us to work, Beef. Just write something. Yeah, just put us to work. Somebody find something good about me. I'm having a good time too. No, Seb, you're great. I just... Seb, I

saw you make that speech at that party once and you got so nervous that you threw up into the palm of your hand and you cheersed with that. So it just feels like, I don't know, maybe you get nervous on stage. I thought that was very smooth. We're going to cut to beef writing, okay?

You know, this is your classic montage of beef putting in the work, putting in the words. So, Beef, during this time, we're seeing you at a desk, scrawling rapidly at a piece of paper, dipping your quill in ink and dipping it so fast and furiously that the ink falls onto the desk. Your hands are covered in ink. Is Beef writing Fast and Furious? Yes. So

the first page just says Fast and Furious written by Beef based on characters from the franchise Fast and Furious. He writes Hobbs and Shaw, crosses it out, crumples it up, throws it behind him. No. No.

Stronger. Faster, more furious. So you're crumpling up pieces of parchment, throwing them, piles collecting towards the desk. Everyone else, you're at the tavern of Bottoms Up, just kind of waiting around the bar anxiously. Let's check in with you three and see how you're feeling about waiting for Beef to arrive

with the finished script. All I'm saying is I'm traditionally handsome and I have great comedic timing, alright? I really can play any role. That's all I'm saying. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

I think that you are so talented. I think the one thing that's kind of standing in your way is like you're a little bit of stage fright that you get. You just get a little nervous in front of crowds. I think a lot of people find, you know, stage fright charming. Blacking out and screaming? Yeah, that's very charming. Yeah.

I like it when you do that. You're going to be great. I'm sure you'll get the lead. At this point, Beef bursts in. Everyone shut up. I'm ready to see auditions. Everyone put on your audition shoes. This is serious.

My fate of my career is in the palm of each of your grubby little hands and I will be absolutely destitute if I let you ruin this for me. Beef, where did you get that beret and scarf? Everybody line up. The last one on the stage has to eat a bologna sandwich. Ah, run!

Oh my god, she didn't even answer your question. The first one on the stage has to eat a bologna sandwich. Ah, run! Oh my god, she didn't even answer your question. The first one on the stage is Spicy Pete. God damn it. Okay, everyone, stand stall. Stand stall and wide. Tall and wide. As tall and as wide as you can get. I want to see how wide you can get.

Spicy Pete bursts into the splits easily. Whoa! Fuck. That's good lucky split i want to hear everyone say this line but wait mom i have a dream chip you can go first but wait mom i have a dream and then i try and do the splits I have a dream. And then I try and do the splits. Nice try. Nice try.

Chalice? Um. I forget the line. Okay. But wait, mom. I have a dream. Boo. Chip.

Accent. Chip, I'm going to remember that for a really long time. I punch her again. Ow! I'm going to roll for punching Chip again. 19. So you did two damage. Two damage.

Ow! Oh, come on. That was so much work for ow. Kids, kids, settle down. Seb's turn. Wait, what was the line again? Get off my stage. No, no, no, no.

Give me a chance. The line was, but mom, I have a dream. Holy hell. Wait, who's that? What's your name? You guys, that's Spicy Pete. That's Spicy Pete when he acts? Yeah. God, he transformed

so much that you two didn't recognize him? Oh my god. Unbelievable. Spicy Pete, you had that in you this whole time? Yes, I did. Okay, so here's the thing, though, Beef. Chip, Seb and I are your friends. You're not going to cut Seb from the play. We're your friends, man. Okay, so here's the thing, though, Beef. Chip, Seb and I are your friends. You're not going to cut Seb from the play.

We're your friends, man. Yeah, what the hell, man? I didn't even get to say the thing. I just wanted to hear it again, all right? Beef lights, silently, he lights a cigarette. Takes one long inhale and one long exhale. Listen, these are my dreams we're f***ing with. And if I

see one of you mess this up for me, my balls are gonna burst. What? And not in a good way. What? Not in a good way. I get exactly what you're

talking about. Oh, God. Is that Spicy Pete again? Chip, you... I was kind of in between my acting and talking voice. Sorry. Mom, what about me? Or whatever the line was. Damn it! Oh, God, I'm going to get cut, aren't I?

We cut to everyone's waiting in hushed anticipation at the bar. Beef comes out with the cast list. I want to walk past them and walk to the fur like all so far away. I could have given it to them right there, but I go so far away.

And I and I tape it up to the like the wall and I go. Get ready, bitches. I wait to try and act cool and wait for beef to like kind of like walk away a little i leave yeah i leave the room and then all of us just like over each other like dragging one person like grabs another one's foot pulls them down crawls over them uh we're all just like mad stampede running over. Scratching each other.

What does it say? In the scramble, Spicy Pete gets there first. What's this? I'm sorry. This is illegible. Yes, it's not. This is illegible. What does this say?

These are just pictures. I can't read this. I can't read this at all. It's just 11 fish. You just drew 11 fish on this thing. Seb, you're right. But wait, Seb, I see mice. Wow, Seb, this is sort of like we're cloud watching together.

It's kind of fun. Oh, my gosh. This is kind of fun. Yeah, this is fun. Wait, if you squint your eyes, you see fish. This is amazing. Oh, and when I squint my eyes, I see, what did you say? Mice? Forget it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's an optical illusion. Beef, what's this thing say? And then from away on the other side of the room from them again, I'm sitting on a chair with my legs propped up, peeling an orange. Cool. And I say, yeah, as cool as possible.

And I go, cast list is as follows ship you'll be playing the dragon that gets killed oh yeah wait what it gets murdered murdered but i that's what i did seb you will be playing the man that murders the dragon. Seb, you made it. You made it, Seb. I've done that. I think I've seen this. Yeah, but I think I've seen it.

You've done it, but I've seen it. Spicy Pete. You've done it, but I've seen it. You're on... Scene... Somatic... Somatic... Scene... it but i've seen it you're on scene uh somatic somatic that's the name of the lead i assume like a stage manager ah that's what i was trying to say oh yeah so you get to wear a black turtleneck and get to move things on rollers okay that is devastatingly awesome! Chalice, sorry to say this,

you're the only lady here, so you kind of have to be the love interest. Oh, I'm gonna like it here. No name. You have no name. Just to confirm, the dragon's love interest? No. Sorry. You have no lines.

I'm sorry? No lines. You just come in, you get stabbed, murdered. Complete death. You know dragons do talk. If I'm not mistaken, I have more lines than that. Yes, you do, actually. The stage manager is the lead.

I knew it. I knew it. That's like in Our Town. That's literally the lead of Our Town is the lead. I knew it! I knew it! Yeah. That's like in Our Town. That's literally the lead of Our Town is the stage manager. Never heard of it. I know you haven't, Beef. Wait, what's Beef playing?

What's Beef playing? Yeah, Beef, who do you play? I play God. Jesus. No. No Jesus. Not Jesus. God. jesus no no jesus not jesus god not jesus now let's get to work okay now we see a montage of beef just inhaling cigarettes and putting them out underneath his boot and you know pacing up and down like a drill sergeant reducing reducing Seb to tears multiple times. We see Beef have an all out breakdown, just screaming, I am God.

I am God. I am God. I am God. Beef, Beef, can we take five? No. Beef, nobody else is on stage, though. No, we are going to gonna work we're never gonna stop if we take a break that could be the moment this all collapses okay so why don't we call it a tight

two and see everybody back here then actually beef i had a question um i was thinking in the scene where the uh where the knight slaughters me i was wondering if i could say something witty just a little like a little zinger maybe even after i get stabbed like on my way out oh yeah oh my god yeah you think yeah that'd be kind of funny oh my god yeah it'd be so funny yeah it would be so funny if he's it would be so funny if you did that, right? Beep's gonna kill Chip. Yeah, you know what? How about you just take a dump and rip my throat out while you're at it? Because that's gonna single-handedly ruin the speed of the scene.

There's a pace. Did you even go to acting school, Chip? Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, look me in the eyes. Did you go to acting school and get a degree in theater? I've been to an acting school, but I didn't go there. I have worked so hard for so long to get a degree in theater. So don't you goddamn get in my way, Chip. You are the dragon.

You don't say nothing. You don't say a word. If I hear a little word come out of your tiny little mouth, I will destroy everything you've ever loved. Okay. I'd like to pull Seb over to the side. Yeah, I'm just trembling and holding up my stage sword, just kind of like in defense, like already. Chalice is hugging herself and she's crying a little

and she's wondering why she's not a part of the sidebar. I pull Steph over to the side and I said, hey, Beef is a fool if he thinks that I'm not going to say a goddamn line in this thing. So just prepare yourself for me saying something during this play, okay? Be ready for that. No, that's fine.

I think i like that moo hey sorry guys am i interrupting but i really no not at all no no no no okay um i i'm just i've been getting really really nervous oh my god do you have stage fright no i oh my god i did i well beef's getting so mean he's yelling at us Moo! Am I interrupting here? Looks like we're all talking talky and not No sir, no Beef sir, we're sorry Beef sir No, they were just giving me advice to get over these hiccups

You're gonna need to get those out quick because we're back on the stage in five Make sure you do your stretches and your tongue twisters Every morning I go to sleep Every morning I go to sleep. Every morning I go to sleep. Every morning I go to sleep. Every morning I go to sleep.

Wait, every morning you go to sleep? Every morning I go to sleep. Oh, my God. Spicy Pete has a great singing voice. Every morning I go to sleep. I'm thinking about I'm about your little four-pole bed. Holy hell, that's beautiful.

I know I got my mind, but I see if I can use it for the weekend or one night bed. Beef pulls out a script. We're changing everything. We're changing everything? We're changing everything. So does that mean Chip gets to say a line? No just memorized a seven page monologue that's that's

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Okay, we cut to an hour later. Okay, people are filing in. There's a butt in every seat and it's standing room only, but there's three seats that have been reserved. And it says reserved for Narrow Way Guild. I turned to Seb. I want to turn to Seb and say, we are able to pack this place night after night.

How are we not making any money? Well, for starters, you keep breaking glasses and telling people to bring their own peanuts to throw on the floor. All right, so that's a lot of overhead right there. Oh, I also tell people to bring their own drinks because it's much cheaper if you just bring it from home. Oh, God.

I was wondering. You made your bar in Miami? Should I stop doing that? Yeah, absolutely. Those was wondering. You made your bar be my OB. Should I stop doing that? Yeah, absolutely. Those are our high margin items. How long have you been doing this? You made your bar be my OB and you encouraged it. I'm crying.

Just since we opened. Oh, my God. It makes so much sense that we've only gone through one bottle of wine in six weeks. one bottle of wine in six weeks. And then Chalice comes up to both of them in her costume and she puts her arm around both of them and she goes, hey buddies,

quick little funny story. I got a little nervous. And I took one of my little nervous pills and I popped it into my mouth. And then I drank a whole bottle of wine. So I'm going to do even better than before. You guys noticed that Chalice's costume is on backwards. You look great.

I can't wait for this show. I choose to do nothing. Yeah, I do nothing. Awesome. Well, you guys, this is hey I choose to do nothing. Yeah, I do nothing. Awesome. Well, you guys, this is, hey, hey, can we all just hold hands? I'm going to pass the squeeze to my right. And when I feel the squeeze in my left hand, that means we're going to have a really good opening night.

Is everyone ready? Boy, fellas, ready? And I'm passing. And we're all doing it. And I also pass it. And I also pass it. I got the squeeze back. We're going to have a great night tonight, fellas. This is a beautiful show. Hands in. And then I pass it. And I also pass it. I got the squeeze back. We're going to have a great night tonight, fellas.

This is a beautiful show. Hands in. And then I pass it. Spicy Pete. Spicy Pete. You weren't even touching us. You're holding your own hands like this. Okay.

Now, meanwhile, meanwhile, Beef is, you were standing just at the side of the stage. Yes. And the three of them from the Narroway Guild walk in and Pompous Prestigious comes and goes, I assume these seats are ours then? Absolutely, absolutely. Best seats in the house. Mine better be uncomfortable. We made absolute sure that yours was too bad to sit on.

Perfect. And Katz jumps up, crouches on the back of one of the chairs. And then Pompous Prestigious and Dr. Lariat take their seats. And the lights dim. Before I get on stage, i just want it to be known that i am full stage makeup i have like fake eyelashes on and like i contoured my face you have like the high school old age makeup on too just like the lines and the gray spray absolutely and do you look like god i'm in all black okay a classic god i i'm gonna go i'm gonna

go the more bleak route and i'm all black turtleneck uh but you you know my tummy is always just a little the bottom of my tummy's poking poking out i look i I love how much God looks like a stagehand. Hey, they are. But what does that say? Commentary. Commentary. Are you wearing a wig? Oh, I got to. It's like a gray, like frizzed out.

Albert Einstein meets powdered wig? Yes. Yeah. And I have a beauty mark too. Oh my God. Like Marie Antoinette. Fantastic. Any props with you?

A small horn, the kind that you put on a bicycle that goes, ee-oo, ee-oo. Excellent. And tiny little symbols that go on my finger. Okay.

So, Pompous Prestigious was getting a drink from the bar and sees you to the side of the stage and notices the finger symbols and the horn and goes, I hope you know that if there's even a whiff of buffoonery in this, you can kiss your ass goodbye. Loud and clear, sir. I meant to say you just, you won't be accredited, okay? We're not gonna hurt you or anything.

Alright, have a good show. Break some legs. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Sit down. Alright, places, places, places. Okay. Alright, I'm in my place. The lights stem all the way. Spotlight right in the middle of the stage. I step into it, into the warm light.

These are the lines. Silence. That'd be the saying. He's saying. Silence. Silence. And off to the side, Spicy Pete is devastated because these were already his lines. And you just took that. And I'm taking

the stage director and but also the main character and then spicy parents in the audience nervously look at each other while clutching their programs i look at spicy p and i and i look at him like that kind of look that's like that show business baby in the middle of the play? And he looks at you and just, from the side, he just nods, understandingly in white. That's beautiful. I'm just imagining the parents would be like,

we should have known better. Stage manager, and that's supposed to be the lead. He's never going to make it. Why don't you believe in him? Oh, I'm tired. I'm just tired. I believed in him for 15 years, but he needs to dial it

back and get into data entry just like me. I wonder if you believed in him, what he could accomplish if you didn't give up on him after just 15 years. And this continues the entire time. The whole time. The slow hum of that. Of a marriage falling apart. Good thing we brought our own wine

because I got a drink. Oh, okay. Okay. Look into everyone's eyes. You are on stage, and they are the audience. Harness their power. They're giving you power. I am power.

And that's when I fully look up and I go, I am God. This is God's story. This is how God was born. And the lights go out and a hush falls over the audience. And now it's the first act.

A single spotlight comes out and there's a long pause and then the pause gets longer and people are kind of like looking around and it's like oh this is uncomfortable someone should have definitely stepped out by now and it's definitely seb should be out here i push him i push him oh oh i'm dude i almost hit my nuts. The audience laughs. I'm wearing a mech suit, a steam-powered mech suit, kind of resembling what Ridley has in Alien.

Here we go. But when you're God, there's always someone, a titan looking to steal the job. Who am I? I'm the bad guy in tonight's story and my name is zach i i trip onto the stage too even even though nobody pushed me. And what are you wearing? And I, Beef gave me a full, a really good dragon costume, but I didn't think it looked sexy enough. So instead I'm just wearing like, it's just a baseball cap. And then the bottom part of my jaw is like an upside down visor.

So that's all I'm wearing on my head. part of my jaw is like an upside down visor so that's all i'm wearing on my head and then i'm just wearing like a speedo with a like a green trash bag hanging out the back that's supposed to be my tail but that's it that's all i'm wearing and i go oh my nuts and everyone the audience laughs oh they do oh that was by accident and beef's off to the side, like watching all this and sees like that Chip altered his costume and he's like ripping his beret like he's clutching his beret on top of his Einstein wig. And Beef, when you look out into the audience, you see Pompous Prestigious making notes in his playbill and shaking his head now. Zachary? Now, normally I wouldn't be able to and shaking his head. Now, Zachary. Now, normally I wouldn't be able to talk,

but you understand me. Of course. Isn't that right? Zach via telepathy. I'm talking. I'm just, I've decided to talk. Cool.

All right. So we're on the same page. Okay. Uh, what's good. What's up? Get out of my head. Okay quick um sab we're gonna have you roll okay sab we're gonna have you roll for constitution because of your intense stage

fright oh no um you need to do a passing, you need to do a saving throw for your constitution, otherwise you will vomit on stage. How does a 12 do? A 12 is not going to cut it, so on your next line, you vomit on stage. Really quick, I'm going to have

a, and put my fist up to my mouth and just like vomit, just spray spray nozzle. Luckily the first two rows, like some of them are wearing rain, those like raincoat, like splash zone. The soak zone. The soak zone.

It's not because I'm nervous, it's because I hit my balls too hard. And the audience goes, oh! Chalice, Chalice, come over here. And I quickly wait. Chalice, get over here, get over here. You're a bully, Beef. What are you, drunk?

You're drunk, Beef, and that's what I'm saying to you. Listen, I don't care. I need you to go out there and do damage control. Get them with your woman charm, okay? Go out there, cause damage, be a woman. No. Get it! I do like a jump, pirouette, spin.

It all looks very impressive until she hits the other side of the stage full first and like hits her head really hard. And she goes, oh, my balls. Yeah, baby. And then there's, in the back, the standing room only people are hooting and hollering, Oh, my balls. Yeah, baby. And then there's in the back, the like the standing room only people are hooting and hollering and whooping and dying laughing. And then so her costume is backwards. But not only that, when she went to the bathroom, she has a bunch of toilet paper and her dress kind of tucked into her underwear.

And it's like the toilet paper with like the lipstick note and all the riddles on it and then so uh chalice reaches down and then starts reading the riddles and gets a little distracted by them and she goes huh what's this one say uh yeah go ahead and read that one please i could definitely make one up i i'm on a riddle podcast okay let's see um what is short round and brings the house down it's not a storm it likes to perform who and then she throws up chalice roll for constitution because you are drunk to see if you throw up here 15 okay you vomit comes up and your cheeks go like chipmunk cheeks and then you know arguably even worse they watch you they go oh no she's gonna swallow that and then you put two fingers to your mouth and then swallow it back down and then i wink and then put like stick my butt out

a little bit okay and then she uh chalice like sort of remembers her lines all of a sudden and launches into something that's probably like two thirds through the play zach i can't decide between you the stage manager and god seems like we're in a dragon or the dragon dragon. Or the dragon. Do you talk? That dragon can talk! That dragon can talk! No! No! No!

He cannot! Okay, are we improvising? I need to know now if we're improvising. Seb! Seb! This is my line. I have to know. By my sweet friend.

Every morning there's a hallowing and rolling gold. Spicy Pete! By Spicy Pete! Let me say my line. I have to do the exposition, Spicy Pete. Ready? I'm to know. By my sweet friend. Every morning there's a hallowing and falling gold. Spicy Pete. By Spicy Pete. Let me say my line. I have to do the exposition, Spicy Pete. Ready? I'm so sorry. I guess the three of you will have to sing to win over the fair.

Yeah, fine. Fucking fine, Chip. Fine. I guess the four of you, a god, a Zach, a Spicy Pete, and a dragon are going to have to sing to win over the fair maiden's honor. Up first. Castle scrubber for me. And out of nowhere, an arrow comes flying through, sticks into spicy peat's chest.

Holy f***. Oh my god. Thank god this is the dress rehearsal because this is scary. Seth, this is happening. This is the real... We're gonna take a tight five. There's

refreshments over at the bar. There's popcorn in the back. Get your fingers in that. shit shit beef i forgot to put out the refreshments there's no refreshments there's popcorn in the there's popcorn in the back okay uh we'll be right back high five this is going amazing really good wow i kind of wish I would have been told ahead of time that I was going to get shot with an arrow. But I do love this direction.

Pete, you should probably sit down. You're losing a lot of blood. Which one of you is talking to me? It's me, God. Oh, God. No, no, no. It's Beef God. It's Beef God.

Not the real God. It's Beef God. You're not dying. It's just Beef God. You're not dying. Okay. As long as all eight of you keep talking. Not the real God. You're not dying. It's just Beef God. You're not dying. Okay. As long as all eight of you keep talking to me, I should be fine. Yikes.

Eight? He passes out. Spicy Pete is pretty much, at least for right now, down for the count. You guys, I think I don't think we can finish this play. I think this is it for me. Beef? No, no, me. Beef, Beef. No, no, no. Beef, we have to finish.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been yelling at you guys and screaming. I don't know. I can't do this. This isn't for me. I'll never make it. And then I kind of run away like a schoolgirl, like a girl running to her room.

I chase after him like a schoolgirl. I do as to her room i chase after him like a school girl i do as well i'm just gonna like left alone i'm gonna go um i'm gonna go to the bar maybe try to sell half a bottle of wine tonight and then i'm just gonna go there hey beef Can we come in? Beef? No. Beef? I don't want to see me like this. Okay, Beef, let me talk to you a second. Just come here. Come here.

The reason why this isn't going well, it's because you're not being yourself, Beef. What if we just... Say f*** them and go out in style, huh? The four of us, best friends, we'll do the show you always dreamed of doing. You guys will finally do the arm and hammer dance I've always wanted to do. Yeah, we'll do all of it.

We'll literally do everything. We'll do the play you want to do. Just lead the way and we'll follow. And just as long as the dragon and the fair maiden still get their kiss to steal the end of the play. That's all that matters to me. That was never in the script, Jip. She punches him. And does no damage. We cut to the bar and pompous, prestigious.

Seb, you notice that pompous,ous prestigious dr laureate and cats are leaving whoa whoa whoa whoa we still got this the whole second half all right that's when it really picks up where you guys going huh huh this was just for a good laugh on our end we had our minds made up before we even showed up you can keep this piss hole as the piss hole that it is we have no interest in this piss hole i'm gonna slam my hand against the door closing it immediately and i'll go this piss hole about to piss all over you some golden ass knowledge you're gonna go in there you're gonna sit down you're gonna watch and you're gonna go oh six times in the second act all right i'm gonna give you guys a free glass of wine 95 wine five percent blood anyways that wine and it's going to

enjoy it's white uh we call it a rose around here um you're gonna enjoy it and you're gonna make you're gonna say six nice things to my friend beef when we're done or else or else what i'm gonna show you who the bathroom killer is the bathroom killer is me all along i just made it up so beef would clean the toilet but i will murder you and i will write that you were one of my hostages and we'll get press we'll become the murder bar it'll be good for business so do you want to be murdered or do you want to watch a damn play and look at my friend in the eye and go really good delivering those lines timing couldn't be better or something like that this man's unhinged. That was cats, and they nod to you and are pretty freaked out. And then Pompous Prestigious says,

as long as the wine is O negative, I guess we could stay for the second half. Universal rosé, okay. I can do that for you. Okay, so they are ushered back to their seats, and it's lights up, and we're starting the second act. No one comes out. No one's on stage yet. You hear some rustling, and you hear,

are we ready to rock? Yeah! Yeah! Splash zone! How hot is your beef? Wet! I said, how hot is your beef? Wet!

Wet! And then Beef comes out totally like no pants No instrument. That was all mouth. That was all mouth. There you go. Somebody in the audience goes, oh my god, Beef's gonna do his famous mouth solo. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. walking on the street uh chip in chip and chalice and i and maybe seb uh cometh in the back line and start doing the famous arm and hammer dance it's super elaborate it looks a lot like the guy the choreographer from earlier maybe they're stealing a little bit from him. As soon as you start doing the arm and hammer dance, the guy from earlier, the choreographer,

recognizes it from the audience, takes off his hat, and what you've noticed that he's also, since you last saw him, has lost one of his arms, and that is now a peg. So he's got peg legs

and one peg arm. But with his good arm, takes off his hat, waves it, and mouths, they're doing my dance. Aww. I'm just having

not mad. Aww. I'm glad he's back. Yeah. I'll take a second to really appreciate him. Spicy Pete jumps in to start doing the dance too,

but is like a full three seconds behind the steps. Oh no. And there's kind of blood just coming out of his mouth. That's cute though. We gotta get

this guy some rosé I feel bad that I shot him I turned to chalice I turned to chalice and I say do you think we've had a whiff of buffoonery this whole play and she goes yeah I think we've had a little bit more than a whiff and then can it be like a little montage of it going so well and being so beef for the rest of the time, Sean? Yeah. So it's like beef farting, everyone cheering. There's one moment that looks like a really gorgeous opera solo

with beef somehow. The tears weld up in my eyes, but never fall. They never fall. Ben has his sword and he fights Waleed as a dragon. Yeah, I geted as a dragon. Yeah. I get killed as a dragon. Beef does a little bit of a stand-up set in the middle of it for no reason.

I think toasters are just microwaves but smaller. Yeah! I can't handle these observations right now. The best stand-up reaction is, yeah! This stand-up is so funny.

It's bringing Spicy Beads' parents back together. Talis has a moment where she goes and puts her hand on Chip's face, and she kisses him on the cheek, and then goes and leans down and kisses Beef on the mouth. Now that's what I call a meaty mouth. And we all put our arms over each other and get in a line. And I go, you know what? At the beginning of all this,

I thought that it was about being serious and yelling at your friends. But at the end of the day, your friends are all you have. Yeah. And so as you say that, the three of them stand up and start to exit. Yeah. You know what? Get out of here. Boo.

Boo. Get out of here. Moo. Moo. You will never, and I mean never, be part of the Narrow Way Guild. You wouldn't know real art if it pinched your nipples. What? I bet I wouldn't.

You're right, but guess what? At least I'm pinching my nipples and laughing with my friends. You don't have any friends. We all start pinching my nipples and laughing with my friends. You don't have any friends. We all start pinching our nipples. One star. No. Half a... No. A quarter of a star.

No stars. Zero stars. And we're going to give it the worst write-up. And I doubt you'll even be able to read it, though. And then... Wait, you guys are critics? You guys are publishing the the newspaper i thought you were just the guild yeah there needs to be some separation of power this this is not good i pull

the uh arrow out of spicy p and i shoot it at these guys nice are you shooting it or just throwing it i'll throw it because i don't know can you roll can? Can you roll to see if it hits one of them? Yes. 21. Holy. We keep killing people we don't even know. Dr. Laureate. Pompous prestigious. Definitely pompous prestigious.

Okay. For sure. It goes like straight down his throat. And then falls backwards. And the two of the other two of them catch him. They go, how dare you oh my god and then like they're just scrambling to get him uh to safety and they're out and then now the audience is in absolute appalled hushed silence and then uh chalice goes ta-da like it was all part of the

show ta-da yeah give a hand to the three gentlemen that just left our excellent uh stunt actors there aren't they aren't they great absolute stunned silence until spicy pete's parents look at each other and then look back and then slowly stand up and start a slow clap everyone starts screaming and spicy pete uh like basically the stage gets bum rushed okay everyone gets on it um and people pick up beef and they start chanting god god god god and then you hear it's okay the the um. And then you hear, okay, the choreographer guy, you hear like the thumping. And he rockets up, like licks the ceiling, and then does three backflips,

and then lands in the splits on the bar, and goes, now was that a performance or what? Not what I just did, but was that a performance or what? Not what I just did, but was that a performance or what? And Evan goes nuts, and he goes, I, a little birdie, told me that the reason that they put this shindigog in the first place is they needed some fun. Sorry, man, we know a lot of birds.

You're gonna have to get more specific. Uh-huh. What kind of bird? It was Raven, the one named Thatso. Oh, that's a Raven. I remember the joke from the first episode. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I remember. And they told me

that this whole thing happened because you needed some funding to make your stage better, to fix the roof, to get better props, to get better advertising. Are you making fun of us? Yeah, I think this guy's upstaging us. You need to leave, dude.

Yeah, man, this is a lot. Look, look, here's all I'm saying. Are you offering us money? I mean, you guys kind of ruined the momentum of what I was going for here. All right, we're sorry. What I was going to say is it was an amazing show. And don't you all agree? The bar erupts again.

Well, if you do agree, let's throw them some f***ing shackles, baby. This is our local bar. They're putting out the kind of show that we want to see. Let's show them how grateful we are. And then tons of money in small amounts comes up into the bar. Woo! And so it starts raining essentially coins on you guys. Shackle me, baby.

It looks like so beautiful. It kind of looks like confetti, but then can it do a kind of fade to the four of them sitting around sort of at the end of the night counting it and trying to figure out how much they ended up getting and just like cleaning up and having a drink. one one no two no okay just one of us see and now i don't even know what number we're on anymore we gotta start over let's just start over hey guys

i just wanted to say beef um thank you for being so patient with us i feel like we really let you down and i'm glad that we got to make it up for you in the end because you deserve anything, any dream that you have you deserve to see it come true. Wait, when did we let Beef down? In the first half. Remember? Complete shenanigans. Oh, I thought that was pretty good.

No, no, guys. No one let me down. No one let me down. Chalice, what the hell are you talking about? You are literally not going to have any character arc, man. Beef, it seems like we have just about enough money to get you a couple more strings on your loot and fix up the stage just a little bit.

It's going to last us at least another four or five months. Pretty good, huh? I'd also like to take some of this money and put it into the bar. Because this was an effort that was put in for all of us, you know? I think we should get a big slide that goes from the top of the stairs. No, you started off so good. Yeah.

And maybe if there's any money left over, we put it a little bit toward the emergency surgery for Spicey Pete. Nah. Slide, slide, slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Oh, what the heck. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Slide. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews,

Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, I did the editing, and Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept for this episode. Thanks so much for listening. To stay up to date on the show, you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom, then the letters D and D. If you've enjoyed our first four episodes and you're hungry for more, you're starving for more, you can head to our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D, where we'll be releasing a bonus episode every week. Episodes like Get to Know You Happy Hours, Bad Sitcom Improv, Chip's Tips,

where Chip doles out relationship advice, and One Shots and other TV genres. Speaking of which, we have our first stretch goal set so that if we get to 200 patrons, we'll release a one shot that takes place in a different TV genre. This one was written and GMed by our own Aaron Keefe, and it takes place in a Grey's Anatomy-type world. I just listened to it, and I laughed my butt off, so I'm excited to share that with y'all. I think we're pretty close to hitting that 200 patron mark, so if you can help us get there sooner rather than later,

that would be awesome. So if any of that sounds interesting to you, head over to patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Patreon is the fuel that this show runs on, so if you like it, consider joining. If you can't help us financially, you can still help us out a ton

by rating the show and subscribing wherever you get podcasts. Or, by recommending the show to a friend who likes weird shit. I think that's it for now.

Until next week, and thanks as always for listening. that was a hate gun podcast