SitcomD&D - S1 E5: Little Crazy Ass

Episode Date: March 15, 2022

Seb is on the verge of dying due to stress, but don't worry - Bottom's Up is a notoriously stress-free bar...NOT! Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast y'all know the drill okay lights camera action we're rolling i'm sorry action comes before we're. I think you don't say action. I think you say lights, camera, rolling. Rolling, action, cut, dice. And that's a wrap. That's a series wrap. And we're rolling.

Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous

on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. It is a typical day at Bottoms Up. And Seb, right now you are serving three regulars who have stools pulled up to the bar. And you're taking their drink order. I don't know how you got frostbite. It is literally 77 degrees outside. Anyways, tell me again what you're having.

The drink was too cold. You handed me too cold of a drink. Really? I think I got frostbite on my fingies. You don't have frostbite on your fingies. You have wetness from the wet pint that I gave you. A wet, wet pint. Okay, just drink it.

Hey, Seb, it's been 15 minutes, bro. I mean, it's just I ordered one tanker to veil. What's taking so long? You're the only one working today. I don't know. Beef was supposed to change the kegs. Everyone was supposed to do something, but no one is here. And I feel like it's just like a bad day.

It'll be 15 minutes more. I swear to God. Holy shit, Seb. Holy shit. You just missed the greatest darts game of all time. Darts game? Yes. Okay.

Beef wore the target. Where? No one has been playing darts in our bar for six days. Where did you guys go? Seb, Seb, unrelated but still important. Have you seen my angry snake? We've been playing darts in our bar for six days. Where did you guys go? Seb, Seb, unrelated but still important. Have you seen my angry snake? I dropped him sometime, somewhere.

Not sure. Have you seen my angry snake? Snake as in like some sort of priceless bracelet made out of sterling silver that's shaped like a serpent that's consuming itself sort of thing. No, that's right here, idiot. I'm looking for my angry, angry snake. Oh, God. Physical snake with poison in its fangs? Yes, of course. You know him, then. No, I don't.

But I'm just trying to make sure that we're not talking about jewelry. I have not seen a snake. Okay, well, keep your eye out. He really likes small ankles like yours. My ankles are normal for listen i don't want to make a big deal about this starts game but i feel very like it was an intimate game between just me and chip my god i feel like we're brothers now oh should i not have brought it up i don't know why do you have so many holes on your face why do you have so many holes on your face? Why do you have so many holes?

Okay, Beef, you can't ask those questions to ladies. How many times have I told you to not ask a lady how many holes they have? Why does she get to ask me a question and I don't get to ask her a question? That's it, Seb. I'm sorry. Hey, I'm leaving money. I'm leaving money on the bar, but I'm serving myself right now. You know what? That's a good pour. That's

that was a fine pour. Okay. There's a lot of head on that, but I mean, you paid me for the whole thing and that's all you're getting. So get the get the hell out of here. You pigeon eater. Get the hell out. Is that how you talk to one of your best customers? I said it jokingly. I said it jokingly. What the

fuck? That's our best customer, Sepp. I said it jokingly. You're throwing him out the door? Why don't I have charisma? He slams his tankard on the ground, and it breaks through the floor. I'm never coming back. Fuck this place. Oh, God.

And I'm going to have to patch that hole up with a bunch of ramen noodles. Jesus Christ. and I'm going to have to patch that hole up with a bunch of ramen noodles. Jesus Christ. We're out of ramen, and we're out of everything because we forgot to do our chores. It's been a really busy week for all of us. You guys. Busy in what way? I'm peeing blood.

What? You guys, there's a litter of kittens down there. What? Come over here. Under the floorboard. Wait, what are you talking about? Yeah, underneath the floorboard. There's a litter of kittens down there. What? Come over here. Under the floorboard. Wait, what are you talking about? Yeah, under the floorboard. There's a litter of kittens down there.

Okay, I'll go to the back. I'll get a sack, and I guess we'll just have to drown them in the well. No! What? Oh, Seb. We can't. This is one more health code violation, and we're through, all right? Seb, do you really want my angry snake to get to these kittens before we do?

You want that kind of blood on your hands? And when you guys look in the hole, eight little kittens stare back up at you. And then immediately covering them is cats. If you remember cats from last episode is a human embodiment of, you know like a cgi creation from the movie cats but this has got a fantasy you know type twist to it in that they look the exact same and it he goes whoa whoa you you know to back off all right i'm gonna get a small torch and i'm just gonna torch all of them somebody get me the nice brandy, alright? They're going to die. Oh, Seb, we drank the nice brandy.

What the hell? That was for birthdays and destroying cats. We thought it would be funny to drink it as a joke. It was so funny. We laughed so hard. It was hilarious. If you were there, you would have seen how hard we were laughing. Yeah, we kept going,

happy birthday. Or are we ready to kill some cats? Just kidding. And then we would laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh, yeah, we were doing impressions of you. Yeah, yeah, they were good. Well, two were good. Two were good. One was bad.

Here's mine. Ready? Oh, boy. We have to keep this business open. Oh, I've got a good impression as well. Oh, I have frostbite. I as well. Oh, I have frostbite. I'm sub. No, that was you.

You have frostbite, dude. You're always bringing it up. It's 76 degrees out. Got his ass. Go to a park. You're always cold. I think you're dead. Sub, as you get more and more stressed out,

your vision kind of starts to go black around the periphery. And I want you to actually roll a constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Let's see. I got 120 and one, a 10. Yeah. So as you guys are kind of all standing around, Seb, doing impressions of him, all of a sudden his eyes roll back in his head and he flat out faints, kind of bumps the side of the bar, back in his head and he flat out faints. Kinda bumps the side of the bar, almost nails his head and just hits the ground. Seb, you're gonna put another freaking hole in the floor. What are you doing?

Seb? Seb. That was funny. Now it does not look like Seb's breathing at all. Seb? Seb. Seb-a-leb. Sebby. Seb-zeb. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Yeah, let's all tickle him. Someone farted-leb. Sebby. Seb-zeb. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Oh. Yeah, let's all tickle him.

Someone fart his face. It always wakes up. Beef, why is that always your solution to everything? Wow, you haven't been around Beef's farts enough, okay? They work every time, all the time. I swear it cured my mother's cancer. Beef, rip one. Beef, let's go rip one. It does nothing. Okay. rip one. Beef, let's go rip one. It does nothing.

Okay. It's still going though. Okay. For some reason that wasn't coming through, like through the Zoom audio. It was all face. But then I looked at Elizabeth's face. It was all face. Beef.

But then I looked at Elizabeth's face. It was all face. You couldn't hear any of that? No. You were just going like this the whole time. We could tell you were doing it, though. We could tell you were going hard. You guys know I only have one speed, and it's hard. And it's hard.

All right. I'm not good at medicine but i will try and do a medicine check is there a doc in the house doctor doctor yo doctor hey doc you guys are you guys are joking like a little too much i'm starting to feel uncomfortable with how much you're joking with seb being passed out you guys he's joking too he's joking, too. He's joking. We can work at a bar. We're knocked out half the time, okay?

Did someone call for a doctor? Yes, we did, actually. Well, I'm a doctor. Wow, this guy kind of looks like a walrus. Is it just me, or does this guy kind of look like a walrus? Yeah. Hi, partner. The name's Dr. Pibb.

Nice to meet you. Oh, God. Dr. Pibb, M.D. Seems like we've got someone who just went through a terrible spell. I like your vibe. I like your vibe too, little man. Hey, who you calling little? Got off on the wrong foot there, but I need to address the situation and see what's going on.

Do you mind if I touch your friend here? Whoa, why say it like that? Ooh, why say it like that? We'll keep your eyes on you. we'll keep your eyes on you so here we'll keep your eyes right on you so don't look at a friend when you touch him okay don't look at no don't need to he's using a stethoscope and he's kind of putting down his chest and he's feeling a pulse and he's like well uh let's see here let's see here yep oh wow oh is that bad is that bad wow oh thinking feels like you're buying time this man's buying oh wow is that bad jesus never seen someone tell us what's going on

and he gets out a little uh potion out of his, puts it to Seb's lips, you know, goes down Seb's throat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that? What is that? What is it? What did you put? Is that a love potion? That was just to fix his breath. Just a little joke.

What the f***, man? Wait, why is that funny? Why is that funny? If you're a dentist, say you're a dentist. No, that actually was to revive him To just regain consciousness It was just a terrible joke, I apologize Oh, fix his breath as in make him breathe again

Not like minty breath I was, you know, I don't need to explain What I was going for at this point I think we best just let it lie I think doctors should have to explain exactly what they're doing Yeah It was to revive his consciousness Kind of like a smelling salt in liquid form. Okay.

Seb, can you hear me, buddy? I'm not finished yet. No, you're not. What does that mean? What does that mean? What is he saying? Are you talking about life, right? Are you talking about wherever you just were, you weren't finished yet?

Oh, I'm talking about life. Yeah, no, you're not, buddy. You're still here. I'm going to hell. What? You're going to hell? I saw it, and I'm going to hell. What?

If I don't change something. Wait, what? Sebastian, what'd you see? Beef goes over there, and he slaps him across the face and On the other side of the face He says what did you see What did you see I saw you with little cherub Wings and you were poking me in the stomach

And throwing darts at me And just telling me bad jokes Valentine's day that just sounds like That doesn't sound like hell It was valentine's day but every moment Is a millennium there so Yeah so every day Is valentine's day but every moment is a millennium there so yeah so every day is valentine's day and beef is on one that day you're telling me i'm the little cupid of hell yes you're the little cupid of hell oh i want to go uh seb uh i do need to give you the lowdown of uh what's going on with you you just suffered a

pretty major heart attack whoa what whoa yeah i mean you've undergone lots of stress you know i've hung out at this bar a lot and i could tell how stressed out you are you know probably with the financial stress of bottoms up and your your wife you. What? Why does this guy know so much about our lives? With all this stress that you've got going on and all the general goofs, gags, and antics that happen at this bar, if I were a betting man, I'd say if Sebastian gets really stressed out again, he'll probably have to roll a D20. And if it's lower than a 10, he'll suffer another small heart attack.

And if he suffers three of those heart attacks today, he'll die on the spot. Whoa! That's almost certainly going to happen. That's just one humble doctor's opinion. Seb's my boy, and I've known him for a long time, and that's almost certainly going to happen. What can we do to possibly stop this? Don't let him get stressed out.

Seb! Can I do something to de-stress? Like, I don't know, and I'm just spitballing here like have you tried edging I think you're done oh that's a good

point yeah when you're edging you're done before you're done thank you so much for our help oh that's what they call it yeah thank you for saving his life I don't understand. You didn't answer my question. I was talking about, are you talking about my penis?

And you just made it even more, all right. Oh, he's at the door. Well, good luck. Let me, you know, you got my number. Interesting. Huh. Hey, buddy. I'm going to die.

No, no, we can do this, guys, right? I mean, we are not the ones who stress you out. So what are some of your responsibilities, tasks, things you normally do? Yeah, it's not us. We'll take over for you, right? Okay, well, what time is it right now? The door gets kicked open. It's party time.

No. And it enters Lil Crazy Ass Lil Crazy Ass is Sebastian's half brother Yeah, Lil Crazy Ass Oh man, this guy's the best No, he's not the best Lil Crazy Ass

And as you guys already know, a little background on Lil Crazy Ass Seb's half brother You know, Seb's mother was exiting a tavern One night when she stumbled Dropped her wand in a puddle of ale a little crazy ass. Seb's half-brother, you know, Seb's mother was exiting a tavern one night when she stumbled, dropped her wand in a puddle of ale vomit and extra strength

for Loco. And at that exact moment, lightning struck the puddle and little crazy ass was born. And Seb, you grew up with little crazy ass

like a brother. And, well, you know this spells trouble. It's party time! Little crazy ass! I don't remember ordering an extra side of squishy, lovely beef. We did! We ordered it! Please don't flirt with beef.

Little crazy ass exposes his belly button to touch belly buttons with beef. Oh, oh, this feels good. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. I missed you. Oh, and it's me, Chip. Stop doing that.

Get your bellies off of each other. That's sex. Why did you say Chip, you fucking psychopath? No, me? It's good. How are you? I'm cool now. I'm also cool. I'm cool now. Yeah, fucking right. Chalice. No, I am It's good. How are you? I'm cool now. I'm also cool.

I'm cool now. Yeah, f***ing right. Chalice. No, I am. I am. Come. Chalice. Hi.

I've heard so much about you. I cannot wait to party with you. I want this to be like us going harder than any other story because I feel I've really bad FOMO for all the stories with you. Yes. I want to end up on a roof, drunk, laughing, doing bits. Let's do it, everybody.

Let's go. Should we start now? Let's have fun. And little crazy ass, I'm making it through this night, okay? I know I haven't yet, but this night, I'm going to make it

all the way through the night with you, okay? Okay, who started a fire over here? It's a small piss fire. Small piss fire for a little crazy ass. I'm pretty sure that fire started because I'm spitting straight flame.

Oh. I'm little crazy ass here to say we're gonna get messed up in a major way. I love drugs, cocaine, and magic.

I just kicked a ball. It's a hat trick in the goal and I'm going fucking nuts. You can't stop me because I'm slapping all the butts. With consent, I'm not a weird guy.

I'm just crazy and I love to fly. Someone pick me up and throw me through the air. I'm crazy ass. No one do that. Please don't touch him. I pick him up and I throw him through the air. Okay. Roll acrobatics. Lil Crazy ass does three somersaults in the air

and lands on his head intentionally. Yeah! Seb, it feels like you put up the sign about no acapella rapping and no rhyming right after he visited last. Like, this seems pointed at him. It's a little bit unfair of a sign. In the middle of the rap, your vision starts to, you get kind of tunnel vision during the rap. And let's have you roll a constitution saving throw you got to go higher than 10 or it's going to be a strike against you

oh thank god 14 okay cool so you survived that one you still got three strikes to go you're fine but just the mere showing up of your half brother a little crazy ass has got you stressed hey seb seb seb what what what i got an idea for you okay i got a way that we can get rid has got you stressed. Hey, Seb. Seb. Seb. What? What? What? I got an idea for you. Okay. I got a way that we can get rid of all your stress in the whole wide world. We get rid of all the rules. No rules.

We take down the signs. There's no rules. If there's no rules, we can break rules. Yeah. Let's not. No rules. Because what's the worst that could happen? Maybe Seb's buried alive. I don't know.

There's rules there for a reason. No, we're not going to do that, please. Fine, I will give you 15 minutes where there are no rules. A purge? I will give you a 15-minute purge. A purge? It's a purge. It's a purge.

There's a purge. We're doing a 15-minute purge. I don't know why you guys are saying purge, but yes, yes. It'll be a 15-minute, we'll call it a purge. It's a purge. There's a purge. We're doing a 15 minute purge. I don't know why you guys are saying purge, but yes, yes. It'll be a 15 minute, we'll call it a purge. Do you mean it? Yes. Chalice immediately just takes her top off and grabs a weapon that isn't hers. Whoa.

And then we go, oh. Little crazy ass just starts screaming and is taking a dump on the floor. Yeah! That's not even stressful to me. Beef does that six times a day. What you just did signals that the breakfast buffet should be opening in 15 minutes, all right? So not as close as you thought.

Chalice also starts ripping up paperwork that's important to the bar and using it as like confetti to get the mood going oh no that was a small business loan oh god oh i don't think i ever described what little crazy ass looks like he said he was made from vomit. Little Crazy Ass is just about the same height as Beef. And it has kind of the appendage to body ratio of a corgi. So very small legs, very short arms. And he wears a visor, but it's upside down and backwards and he has spikes like kind of like guy fieri type hair that uh is like spiked out in all different directions and wears kind of like he wears um like oval sunglasses that are tinted but at like the brim of his nose

wow and he has a cape i feel like you're burning all the funniest character details you could ever use on this show that's because i didn't plan it and i'm just rolling with it this guy i run over to the sign uh that is located beneath the no acapella wrapping sign that says uh no hooking up with my family sign and i i tear that one down and i go up to i go i go up to a little crazy ass hey a little crazy ass um what are you doing for the next 15 minutes not hooking up with you boner yeah yeah yeah dude oh we got a lightweight here okay tell you what i will literally hook up with you for however long you want if you can butt chug three ales. Oh, dude, I can butt chug?

You can't even drink three ales. And I know butt chug hits way harder. Dude, I can butt chug anything. Yeah, dude, why don't you do it? Butt chug it. I'm doing it. It's the purge and I'm butt chugging. Even one.

Even one. Yeah, wouldn't it be so funny if someone died? I can butt chug it. Okay, it's the purge and I'm butt-chugging. Butt-chug even one. Even one. Yeah, wouldn't it be so funny if someone died? I can butt-chug it, okay? It's the purge, and I'm going to butt-chug, okay? Beef, what are you doing during the purge? I'm standing on top of the bar, pinching my nipples. And then... Famously not allowed.

Malice points to the don't pinch your nipples sign, like she cares, and then shrugs and tears that one down too. Yeah. Seb, while all this is happening, while everyone is literally breaking the rules, you had hoped that they would be protecting you from little crazy ass and obviously

that is not the case so far. Your vision narrows again. Roll. Ooh, 15. Stay alive. All right, you're safe. You're safe. See, without the rules, if there's no rules, then it's okay to break them.

It's the secret. I'm reaching underneath the bar, and I'm getting this burlap scarecrow mask, and I'm putting that on, and I'm just arming myself with two ninja turtle knives, you know, like Donatello has. Yeah, you know what I mean. With the three little pokies? The three pokies. Chalice points to the

no movie references sign like she cares and then shrugs and tears it down. There are so many f***ing rules in this bar. A whole wall is signs that Seb put up of things you cannot do. Alright, I grab a tube

and I do shove it up my butt. Yeah! I hand little crazy ass a pint of ale and I say, let's go! Time to hook up my man! Little crazy ass leans over to beef and goes like, this guy can never hang he can never

i've never seen him make it past 10 30 p.m uh do you mind if i stand on your shoulders and i can pour this into his ass and and in efforts of being cool the little crazy ass even though he does love chip he says like yeah yeah chip chip's such a loser. What are you guys talking about? It's time to party. Chalice sort of shakes her head and not as fun as usual, just tears down the don't throw your friends under the bus sign. A lot of really good rules in this bar. That was the first good one.

Little Crazyass is about to start pouring it into your butt when he notices something out of the corner of his eye and he backflips off beef and heads to a different corner as he's chugging the pint for himself. What the f*** is this thing? And it's

the staff that controls all the rats that have been working in the kitchen for you guys for about the past month. So you kind of got like a Ratatouille kitchen going on since you fought Anton Ego. And he just stamps it, immediately understands its power. Sean, you can only say that because I tore down that sign about no movie reference. We would have had to cut that out if I hadn't torn that sign down. Thank God.

Thank God. Thank gosh. Slams the staff down. His eyes become like powerful with the staff and aligned with the staff. And all the rats come barreling out of the kitchen. All the people who were at bottoms up are now seeing the rats trying to get out as quickly as possible. Some people are trying to hold back their gags on throwing up. It is bad.

No, no, it's okay. It's not what it looks like. The rats are the chefs. No. They're not even rats. They're middle-aged balding squirrels. Clean, clean balding squirrels making your shrimp cocktail.

Seb, this is obviously horrible, so you're visionaries and you gotta roll. Okay, so I got a 10. That one is a strike. Okay, I'm starting to think you guys are trying to kill me off. We actually had a meeting before this

meeting. It's kicking you out, but fun. Yeah, a fifth person is gonna join the Zoom halfway through and guess what he looks a lot like oh god uh you feel in your one of your chambers of your heart just kind of sees up and you have to kind of just like slam your chest with your fist and just fight it down but you remember the doctor's words saying three of those and your lights out for good so that was one of them you got two left put the rats back put the rats back a little crazy

ass uh that's very fun but that's actually that's actually my staff actually yeah you that's actually a really important staff we don't we don't touch the staff that's actually like we don't yeah a little crazy ass slams the staff down and then all the rats kind of like in finding emo with all those fish who can work as one they become the both of you and they're not speaking english but you can tell they're imitating you so it's like each of you made of about 150 rats is going oh it's so funny so like like seriously so funny but actually that is my staff like that actually that so in fact all right all right okay maybe i got a little bit out of hand i'm sorry you guys i'm sorry you guys yeah no it's no problem here here take it take it take it oh thanks so much he whips it backams it down, and then it's like a rat flash mob.

It's a tick-tock at this spot, and somehow that's playing. Kesha? Kesha is playing. I mean, if you haven't realized by now, Lil' Crazy has had some magic qualities to him, so he's kind of got that song. It's just in the ether, and there's a flash mob of rats happening right now, and he's just grooving. Whoa, this is getting out of hand.

Chalice is starting to feel like the cracks are feeling really bad for Seb, and is starting to get a little worried now that we had one strike. Is red wine good for your heart? Should I have a glass of red wine right now? Just one a week, Seb, and also a little bit of dark chocolate. But I feel like not in the moment of when your heart is bad. It's sort of a preemptive thing. I'm already dead.

What's the problem? You're not. I can get you a glass of red wine to calm you down, but it probably will make it worse. Let's see. Can I do gust? Try to get the rats back in the kitchen. They don't weigh more than five pounds, do they?

Only one does. And he's their king. The king uh yeah can i try it i think i can't yeah it uh so all of a sudden from chalice a huge gust of wind kind of explodes and hundreds of rats kind of go in the middle of their kesha tiktok dance go barreling kind of like just maybe a foot off the ground. Back into the kitchen. Doesn't look like they're going to get too hurt, but hundreds of them just kind of go sailing back into the kitchen, minus the king rat

who just kind of sits, is like sitting there and then sees that all his friends are gone, looks to the left and looks to the right, and then just starts rolling himself back into the kitchen of his own volition. The door closes behind him and little crazy ass goes ah man and tosses the staff to the side whoa whoa whoa be careful with that man yeah that's actually that's actually mine you guys are freaking babies you don't even know what it means to party

hey man we know how we know how to's just, you know, there's certain things you gotta, like, be respectful of. Where do you guys keep the hard stuff? He goes, he finds the trap door that leads to the downstairs area where all the alcohol is kept

and just stomps down the stairs. Well, that's, those are, that's supposed to, We're trying to... Oh, gosh. He's already down there. Seb, I get it now. I get it now. I used to be so infatuated with him,

but has he always been such a b-hole? Yes. He wasn't even ever a baby. He was just born out of vomit like this. Does he age? No, he doesn't age. And he's just going to always be like this. Flash mob after flash mob.

Okay. I have a plan. He did a flash mob at our mom's funeral. What? To what song? Did it lighten the mood? No. It was in the club. Well, that's inappropriate.

I want to make love in this club. Seb, Seb. Okay, guys, I have a plan. All right? Grab your dart. Go snake hunting. Go find my poisonous, very angry snake. Bring him back here, and we'll set him loose on the little corgi douchebag that has walked

into our car today. Okay? Sounds good. I grab three darts from Beef's face that are still just in there. I'm going to stay out here with Seb. We're going to have a little spa day. We're going to do some fluffy robes. Cucumber water.

Oh my God. I'm going to roll my harp out here. We're going to do a whole thing, okay? That sounds amazing. I'm kind of jealous. Beef. Beef. You get to be a target. Remember you get to be a target remember you get to be a target oh yeah i forgot that's my favorite yeah i mean and if you finish quickly and we yeah you're welcome to join i just want to put the little cucumbers on my eyes i just

that's all i want to do could you save me a a couple of cucumbers for my ice? I pull Chalice over to the side and I say, hey, Chalice, that stuff sounds great, but I know I've known Chip for years. You can't let him get a massage. You're Chip. Oops. Hey, oops. Okay, then I'll never massage you. No, no.

Seb cannot get a massage. How come? The only person that can touch him intimately is his wife okay if he gets a massage i've tried to give him rubs before and he no likey that sounds like a you problem man okay well you know what you could feel free to test my theory out okay okay also what's your snake's name moo interrupt hey guys what are you guys talking about oh sorry we're talking about how seb doesn't like massagers. But I think that will make him less stressed out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. You can't touch him. No, you can't touch him. Okay. You can't romantically touch him, especially with your beautiful hands. All right. I just sent for a professional masseur, though.

You're taking a risk. I'm just telling you you're taking a risk. Okay. What's your snake's freaking name? Yeah, what's your snake's name? What's my snake's name? Your snake's name is Plane. Oh, that's right.

Plane. Snake's on a plane. Plane Snake. Thank God that sign is not up. Man, I was breaking the rules when I named that snake. I am so sorry, guys. Don't tell Seb. Where was the last time you saw it?

Good question. I have a feeling that if i were a snake i'd probably go to the place where there are 1 000 rats so i'm gonna check in the kitchen beef if you were a little snake what would you yeah if i was a little snakey where would i go probably actually down in the cellar where it's cool all right check those two places you got it does anybody know if we have any red wine that is not actually just bottles of blood? Because

I have poured three glasses and it has only been blood at this point. That's from prank day. That's from prank day. And the day I got my wisdom teeth removed and we couldn't find anything to catch the blood from my mouth. That's from prank day. So you can't get mad about it today because that happened weeks ago. Okay.

So you're not allowed to get stressed about that today. Just so you know. Not allowed. I'm not getting stressed. I'm just going to go put my entire head into a bowl of water. All right. I'll be back in one minute. Sounds good.

We moonwalk into the kitchen. Is there a little snakey here all all the rats are just straight up acting like normal rats running around the kitchen there's three rats wait wait wow wait can we just marvel at this beautiful system they have here back here oh they're not cooking they're just fucking this is not good okay what you're saying is not good normally it's fine this is bad this is not a beautiful i guess it's nature nature's good but beef this is oh yeah yeah we're looking for the snake little snakey a plane plane plane roll forane, plane, plane. Roll for perception.

Okay, I rolled a zero anyway, so. It is not there. Snakey. I don't think the snake is here. We're going to have to go down to the cellar. Okay, well, grab one of these rats. Grab one of these rats, maybe as bait. Oh, okay.

Here, here, come here. I'm in here. No, keep grabbing it keep grabbing it god they're so fast they are fast but you have to keep trying to grab it just get one god

the king rat just rolls himself into your hands hi that's kind of sad he's done he just likes being held, I think. Hi. Hello. Do you have a little name?

Do you have a little name, little rat? Uh-huh. Oh. Oh, no. What's your name? Jennifer. You're the best, Jennifer. You're going to be my new best friend.

All right. Let's go check the cellar. Yeah. We're going to go down to the cellar, Jennifer. Come on, Jenny. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery.

I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online,

designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. help. H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. You open the cellar door, like the trap door. You walk down those stairs and already your stomach just drops because you hear a ton of voices coming from down there. And as you go further down the steps, you come upon this scene. And at the head of it is Little Crazy Ass, who's standing on a box. And he screams, welcome to the Thunderdome. And he has the snake in his hand.

He elongates the snake and then squeezes it like a tube of toothpaste. So all the venom shoots into his mouth. He swallows it down, tosses the snake to the side and chases it with a shot of whiskey let's get it on smashes the shot of whiskey on the ground and you can see that it is imp fights so kind of like you know uh there's a cage that's been erected it's been set up and there's a bunch of like probably 15 people who are holding like gold coins and screaming and cheering on one of two different imps. Beef, I'll go catch the snake. You handle this.

Okay. You handle all of this. But the snake is dead, I think. That snake is dead. Oh. So you're doing, you know. I'll go get the snake. I'll go get the snake. I'll go get the snake.

I'll go catch, I'll go try and catch the snake and you handle all this. Okay. Okay. Hey, little crazy ass. What's up? You want to get a bet in? Sure. Okay.

Minimum bet is one gold piece. One gold piece. Okay. Sounds good. All right. This looks good. He takes a little bite out of it delicious and he decides the whole thing he just fucking swallows it and he's like all right who you betting on uh that guy oh okay um the one in blue shorts yeah okay so there are two imps and imp imps, you can like look it up. They look like essentially little like demon gargoyles, but they're about, you know, like a foot tall.

But they have wings like a gargoyle does. Scary. And what you know about imps is that they have the ability to turn into either a raven, a rat, or a spider. And if you bet on them, you are in the know of what they're going to be and you can help decide you're essentially a stakeholder in what they're going to do and it's kind of like rock paper scissors yeah so i'm familiar so you get to choose whether it becomes a raven a spider or a rat yeah a spider beats a raven because if a raven comes in and swoops, it can bite it.

It'll just be on its back and knows how to defend itself. A rat knows how to defend itself against a spider. It's bigger and can handle it on the ground and can get to it from the back. And then a raven can beat a rat because it can just swoop up and grab it.

So we'll make it like rock, paper, scissors right now. We'll do a bump, bump, and then you and I will both say at the same time what we chose. So it'll go it like rock, paper, scissors right now. We'll do a bump, bump, and then you and I will both say at the same time what we chose. So it'll go one, two, then we'll say the thing. Okay. Ready? One, two, spider. Okay.

You won. You won. So what ends up happening is the imps enter the ring. One of them turns into a rat. Immediately One of them turns into a rat immediately. One of them turns into a spider. The rat fakes and the spider pounces. The rat gets around it from the back and kills it. Or at least hurts it pretty bad.

So half the crowd goes nuts. I'm addicted! I'm addicted! He's like a little crazy ass. He's like, I knew you would, babe. And then he like... And then kind of coughs up two gold pieces. So you just doubled your money.

Oh, wow. Oh, and then I ate them. Yeah, you can do whatever you want. You can double your bet. You can do whatever you want. But let's cut to Seb and Chalice. What's up with you guys? And inhale.

One, two, three, four, five. And repeat after me. Wait, do I stop? Oh, yeah. In an exhale. Let it out on an exhale. Sorry I keep doing that. I know you've passed out several times since you started doing this.

I have a heart condition. It could not be more dire. I'm so sorry. Repeat after me i am calm i am calm i have peace i have a peace and i'm a masseuse oh you're here hi um this is the professional masseur i hired oh i don't don't love that. He can give you 30 minutes, 45 minutes, or an hour. Yeah, I'm Dr. Pibb. I'm a doctor, but

no, what the hell? My passion is masseusing. Okay, I messed up. This one's on me. Have, uh, sir on your way, and she coughs up some of the coins that she has swallowed And she tosses them towards

Dr. Pibb How about I just give you a massage What? Let's see Don't love Dr. Pibb But I just don't like touching in general We could just eat more of the cucumbers I know that they kind of taste like cigarettes

What if I try walking on your back? Have you ever had anyone walk on your back? It's very relaxing. I guess, you know what? Yeah, let's try it. That doesn't sound like a massage. I can probably get on that. I can just kind of visualize it as some sort of you hurting me or something.

Yeah. Okay, so Chalice is walking on his back, and I think the weight of them and how old the building is, they go down and join everybody in the basement. Like Aristocats style? Yeah, exactly. Yes. Okay, and as the dust settles and then clears,

you see what is an imp fight ring taking place in the basement of your bar, and it looks just out of control. Obviously, it's highly illegal. Once you see this, Seb, you're going to have to roll. This is why I hate massages. And because this is so extreme, you're going to have disadvantage. I got a

16 and 11. You made it through that one. Yep. Try to kill me. I dare you guys. Charles, what did I say about massages? I didn't listen to you and I see the consequences. This is always the kind of stuff that happens when he gets massages. You could have told me how extreme it got. I definitely twisted both my ankles and I'm just scraped on both sides of my body.

Oh, you twisted your ankles? You landed on top of me. Potato, potato. Dude, it's not always about you. I have splinters in 25% of my body right now. The dust has settled. You see what's going on, Seb. How do you, how do you react?

I'm going to, yeah, I want to bet. I got a gold piece. Let's do this. You know what? I'm going to die tonight. And I'm going to... Yeah, anybody got a cigarette? Are you sure? Seb, I don't think you want to get into this game.

Here, buddy. I got a cigarette for you. Here's a cigarette. Yeah, thanks, dumbass. I'm just telling you, I've been playing this game for about a couple of minutes now, and I don't think this will be good for your heart, man. Beef has lost all of his clothes, okay? Let's be honest. Let's call a spade a spade. Beef is in the hole. Beef has lost all of his clothes, okay? Let's be honest.

Let's call a spade a spade. Beef is in the hole. Shut up, everyone, all right? I'm trying to die, all right? I'm going to do this, all right? Brother, good to see you. All right. Dude, he has it rigged.

We're listening up. I love it. So how much are you going to put on this? I'm going to put two gold pieces on it. Come on, you freaking wuss bag. You know what? I'll do five And here's one more Wow I think I'm about to wet myself

I've never seen so much gold in one place Six gold pieces holy shit I have taken shits With more gold in it okay Let's make it interesting Hundred gold pieces come on brother It'll be fun you can turn that into two hundred Pfft Hundred gold pieces. Come on, brother. It'll be fun. You can turn that into 200.

100 gold pieces? I don't think you should do it, Seb. I think he's egging you on. Come on, brother. Live a little. You are always so wound up. This is a great way to relax and live. All right, let's do it.

Let's do it. And I'm going to put the cigarette out on my tongue, and I'm going, let's fucking do it, all right? Oh, my God. What happened to Seb? You guys, we broke him. we have to kill his brother purge is off purge off turn the purge off only i can turn off the purge all right seb so same rules you know how this works you've heard tail and you know little crazy ass has told you stories over the years of this kind of thing. So at the count of three, you are going to either say rat, raven, or spider. Cool.

So it's one, two, and then we'll say it. Okay. One, two, raven. Okay. So two ravens enter the ring. And these two ravens are going head to head. One has a red streak in its feathers. Another has a blue.

And you know that you bet on red. These ravens are pecking at each other. They're going back and forth, and it's a pretty bloody match. Well, actually, everyone roll for perception. 20. Seb, you do notice feathers flying everywhere they're squawking they're like talons are interlocked in the air real quickly little crazy ass clips one of the wings of the red raven so that it can't fly very well and after that it's only a matter of seconds

before the fight's over and the blue raven is won and you just lost 100 gold pieces. The place erupts. About half of them are happy, half of them are super pissed, and it's bedlam. And then little crazy ass goes, well, brother, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I'm going to take a dart out of Beef's face

and I'm going to throw it and try to get it so it's like pins his sleeve against the wall sort of thing. Oh, what the freaking f***? Yeah, double or nothing. Double or nothing. Seb, it's rigged. I saw it, I know. Trust me.

Brother, that's a little too rich even for my blood. It's a lot of cold, buddy. Oh, it's a little too rich for your blood? Here, let's see some of my blood, it's a lot of gold, buddy. Oh, it's a little too rich for your blood? Here, let's see some of my blood. And I'm going to just cut my hand. And then I'm just going to smear it all over little crazy ass's face. Okay, can we have a team meeting like right over here, guys? Oh, is that a little too rich for your blood?

Oh, does that taste good? Oh my God. I bet that tastes like pennies. Doesn't that taste like pennies? It does. So we'll be right back. Purge off. Purge off.

Chip, come here. Come here. Come here. Bye. Only I can do that. Only I can. And Beef, I want to describe what Beef's doing right now. He's just standing naked with Jenny, the king rat, on his shoulder.

And he's like, siblings. Are you siblings are you right beef beef i need you to focus here hey guys hey guys come here come here come here we what we broke seb okay and it's up to us to get him out of this um this sticks we did a bad job i'm realizing that now we need to maybe kill his brother what do we do what's the plan i could drive an axe through his brother's head okay i like that great no bad ideas beef i i kind of i kind of good i think chip kind of took all took everything he said yeah he said all his stuff jenny what do you got i prefer jennifer oh i'm sorry jennifer what do you got oh sorry i've been calling you jenny no no It's your own problem.

No, I didn't even ask. I'm really sorry about that. No, it's okay. You guys are asking for my advice on this? Yeah. What do you think we should do? I don't know. I think maybe we all split up and get as much cheese as we can.

Okay. Never mind. Thank you. Thank you, Jennifer. No problem. No problem. Adorable, but not what we need. Not helpful.

We will do that today. I will be on the mission to find as much cheese as I can, but that's just not priority one. Okay. How many more darts do you have? Looks like I've got at least five in my belly right now. Great. Well, I feel like that is the way that we can get him

without making a ruckus, a scene, to stress out Savvy even even more we have to be like uh like stealthy assassins just really like a pinpoint get through the crowd hit him with a dart i grab a i grab a dart from beef's belly and i put it in my crossbow and then i'm gonna shoot uh i'm gonna shoot a little crazy ass in the face okay but when you go to look for little crazy ass when you guys break after deciding what you're gonna try to do, he's gone. He's gone. Oh, he's gone. You can just

hear footsteps going up the stairs back to the main area of the bar. Seb, where did he go? I don't know, but since all holds are no longer barred, let's play a game. Let's play Wine or Blood, and I'm gonna like take a cork out of some wine and

i'm gonna drink it like belushi down just glunk glunk glunk you guys blood that was blood his brain is cooked guys we've got to get rid the, we've got to get rid of crazy ass. Can we chase after a little crazy ass? Yeah. I chase after him. So when you get to the top of the stairs, you noticed some commotion from just outside of Bottoms Up. Okay.

I go. Yeah. I go outside. Is it all four of you guys too? I'm kind of dragging. Seb's drinking blood maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

Seb might be drinking blood still. All right. So all four of you guys make it outside to like the front area of Bottoms Up. And what you see is there's already a small crowd gathered. Some people weren't even in the bar. They're just concerned lookers. Other people, the party has made its way outside. You see that little crazy ass is on top of Bottoms Up, which is about four stories tall at this point.

And he's got a bottle containing maybe blood, maybe wine in his hand. And he's going, who wants to see me jump off this roof into that barrel of water? And everyone's like, yeah! Like all the drunk people are kind of screaming and then the sober people are just kind of like gasping,

like, oh my God, that's insane. Oh, he might just do it for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, do it. Jump. I want to dedicate this trick to my brother. Not so fast, dude. I did this stunt

like six years ago and I'm trying to climb up the wall too to get back and I'm getting all the way up there and I'm like, before he can do it,

I'm going to do it. What do you think about that? The drunk people scream. Yeah! And again, the sober people gasp. Better yet, I'm not even going to jump into the water. What does he mean by that? What are you going to do?

Into a mud puddle. Similarly from which Lil' Crazy Ass was birthed? You said that so formal, Chip. Dude, we're like in a moment of emergency. Do you not ever feel urgency in your body? Yeah, what the hell, man? Wow, that's kind of the same as how he was kind of born is from a puddle, right? There you go.

That's pretty interesting. But faster. Whatever, Chip. We'll talk about this later. Same as how he was kind of born is from a puddle, right? There you go. That's pretty interesting. But faster. Whatever. We'll talk about this later. What do you want from me? Purge off. I'm sorry. Purge off.

I'm sorry. Yeah, nobody needs to jump. Purge is off, you guys. Purge is off. I can't hear you. Ten. Nine. What do we do?

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I got to say something about my brother here because this is a pretty amazing transformation. 8. And I'm sorry I'm getting misty-eyed, but I think he's finally understood something.

That crazy things are going to happen in this life. Inherently, this world is crazy, and you can't control everything. And sometimes you just have to let go and believe. I love you, brother. He jumps up and kisses the top of your head let's do this he jumps off the roof and i do not follow he's falling it's kind of like all in slow motion i shoot him in the face with a dart do you want to roll for that yes i do i do roll a 20 it hits him right in the face dart oh what the freaking it definitely throws off the spins that he was doing and he lands in the barrel mostly the only thing outside

of the barrel is his head so his neck literally hits the side of the barrel and he is instantly dead nearly he got million dollar baby. He got million dollar baby. He got million dollar baby. And then I point to the sign. I pick up the sign that says no movie references. Seb, you clutch your chest and your vision, which was kind of narrowing because there was so much crazy shit going on. With his death, it kind of just fades and you've kind of got full vision again. But I want to hear your take. with his death, it kind of just fades and you've kind of got full vision again.

But I want to hear your take. You know, my brother was a piece of shit. What? We can't hear you. Yeah, can you stand down? My brother was a piece of shit. And although he brought me so much anguish and terror into my life, I think he was onto something with that speech. that like you guys have been bothering me a lot I've been on the verge of death for roughly an hour now I'm ready to forgive you guys and just

keep going because with him dead and perished I can't imagine a life without any one of you guys because you guys are my friends. And that's pretty dang special. We love you, Seb. What? We love you. Come on down, buddy. But without jumping. I've drank a lot of blood. Oh, I'm sorry, folks. Doesn't seem this guy's completely dead.

Ah, Dr. fucking Pibb. Oh my, my, oh my god, it's him again. Oh, my eyesight is narrowing Alright, get out of here, man You're bad news I grab another dart from Beef's belly And I shoot it at Dr. Pibb

Get out of here I just rolled a nine Oh shit Okay, that's two strikes You feel your heart kind of like start to crumble almost And you slam it down again. And Dr. Pibbs puts some of the potion into Lil' Crazy S's mouth, and he can't.

He might be paralyzed. He definitely can't move his body. And he's just like, That was a beautiful speech, brother. I have a funny way of showing it, but I love you more than anything in this world. Aw. Yeah, maybe you should go to therapy.

Yeah, come back in a couple years. Do some work on yourself. You guys don't want me to be like a regular or anything? Not until you've gone to therapy. Yeah, we'll seek you out. How about that? We'll find you. What's happening?

Why is the corpse moving? I couldn't hear any of this. Don't worry about it, buddy. Stay up there for one more minute. Yeah, your brother's still dead. Your brother's still dead. It's okay. There are like 10 Frisbees up here.

Who is missing Frisbees? Oh, leave them there. Leave them there. Leave them there. Those are beef Frisbees. I meant to put them there. They were there for prank day. Dr. Pibb puts

little crazy ass into a wheelbarrow and starts moving him down the town square. Alright, I'm too drunk to climb down, so I'm just gonna jump. Alright, buddy, we got you. We got you. Three, two, and I fall off

and maybe you guys catch me? Yeah, let's roll for it. Yeah. And this is what kills me. 16. 9. 24. That's good.

Two out of three. So Seb falls into your arms. Yay! Yay, we did it! And we all kiss on the lips. Yeah, real gentle. A gentle, just a friendship kiss. Chalice puts him safely on the lips. Yeah, real gentle. A gentle, just a friendship kiss. Chalice puts him safely on the ground and walks over to the bar and sort of gingerly,

even though it's kind of the frame is cracked and the glass is cracked, hangs back up. Don't throw your friends under the bus. Hey, Seb. Purge off? Purge is over. Yay! Oh, thank goodness. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, does that mean I gotta put my clothes back on? Beef! Oh, beef! And they're all drinking a little bit of the blood. They're all drinking a little bit of the blood and laughing. I'm laughing. and Twitter at sitcom D and D that sitcom and the letters D and D. If you've enjoyed our first five episodes and you're hungry for more, you can head to our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D and D, where we will be releasing a bonus episode every week.

Episodes like get to know your happy hours, bad sitcom, improv chips, tips, and one shots and other TV genres. Speaking of which we have our first stretch goal set so that if we get the 200 patrons, we'll release a one-shot that takes place in a different TV genre. This one was written and GM'd by our own Aaron Keefe, and it takes place in a Grey's Anatomy type world. It's completely different characters and tone, and it was an absolute blast to record, so we're excited

to share it with y'all. In fact, at the time that I'm recording this, it looks like we only need eight more patrons to hit that 200 patron number and release that. So if any of that sounds interesting to you, head over to patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. If you can't help us financially, you can still help us out a ton by rating this show and subscribing wherever you get podcasts or by recommending the show to a friend who likes weird shit.

I think that's it for now. Until next week. And thanks as always for listening. That was a Hate Gum Podcast.