SitcomD&D - S1 E6: Seb's Day Off (w/ Olivia Nielsen)

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

The gang is upset when Seb doesn't take the day off as promised, but when a new friend says they'll help them live out their Seb's Day Off plans, they're thrilled! Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest Star: Olivia Nielsen Episode Story Concept by Erin Keif Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Yeah, I'm very attracted to Aladdin and Jasmine. You just keep saying all the Aladdin characters. All the Aladdin characters. Raja. The genie. The genie. The sultan.

The sultan for sure. I love all the little mice in Cinderella. Gus Gus? Are you into Gus Gus? I feel like beef is a combo of the Sultan and Gus Gus. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent.

What about you guys? Are you guys attracted to any? Nope. Nope. Nope. That's weird. Yeah. Why would we do that

today's a pretty important day it's actually a very exciting day because some background is that seb he takes one vacation day a year and it's today and since the rest of you all treat every day like it's vacation seb's one day off is a big vacation and a big deal to all of you so we also do this thing to start every episode that i it's this is episode six i've never gotten it right once um all right quiet on set lights camera rolling and we're- Dying. Dying. Dying. Dying. Dying.

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Dying. Dying beef at the noble bottoms of. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers

to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Okay, I need 30 whiskey, 30, 30.

Where are the mice? I'm so excited for my day with Sit... Oh. You guys, come here, look. Put on an apron. Put on an apron and put some sawdust onto that vomit. All right? Things are going crazy already and it is 7.45 a.m.

I thought he was not supposed to be here. My name is Jennifer. And you can treat me with some respect when you bark orders.45 a.m. I thought he was not supposed to be here. My name is Jennifer, and you can treat me with some respect when you bark orders. I am so sorry. I'm just at my wit's end. I respect what you do. I believe what you're doing is so good.

Like, Queen Rat, Jennifer, you're amazing in so many ways. Ah, save it. And she goes and starts doing what you asked. Way to go, Seb. Now she's gonna shit in our food. Beef, I don't want to hear it right now.

All I was asking for were some steel-cut oats. All right? I just need some steel-cut oats for all the elderly people that keep on asking me for it in here. My man, Seb. Seb, Seb, Seb, Seb. Why are you here? What? What?

Why are you here? I thought today's your day off. I thought you were going to go about the town. We thought we were all going to have time with's your day off. I thought you were going to go about the town. Yeah, did we mark the calendar wrong? We thought we were all going to have time with you. You promised, Seb. You promised. No, I mean, I was expecting to, but we don't usually have this many people in here, okay?

So, like, I don't know. I just woke up. I put on my board shorts. Seb, this is, okay, so I've never, this is my first time experiencing one of your days off. They sound legendary. Everybody gets to pick an activity to do with you. It sounds like the best day ever. It's everyone's favorite day of the year.

It's practically a holiday. And are you telling me I'm getting to, I'm missing out on that? Seb, come on. I'm sorry. You know that sucks. You know that sucks. You're telling me I don't get to play is this shit or is this piss with my best guy? It'll happen another day and it's a really simple game all right i'm pissed and i'm not and i'm not talking piss and shit i'm pissed i just think we could refine the rules a little bit maybe a

blindfold or something i think you can just really see the differences between those two things very easily. Great, you made Beef cry. Oh, no. I just like playing the game with you because it's so fun. Oh, God. Oh, and when Beef cries, Beef breaks things. Oh, no. Oh, my steel cut oats. You smashed

my steel cut oats. And we'll get you another bowl with extra extra berries. And can I just say something? You have three nice teeth. I have five, but three of them are nice. I agree. That is awesome. I would love to engage with you further, but I got other tables.

Maybe this episode could be about me. No. Anyways, you guys are crestfallen and looking very sad, but it's so much sadder because you dressed in your best vacation clothes. So I'd love to know just what the three of you are wearing in preparation for your vacation. So, you know, I typically wear my necklace that says wet on it. Yeah.

Once a year I take out my other necklace that says wet and wild and I have it on. That's the only difference? That's the only difference. Chalice is wearing a sweater that she knit in preparation for this that says, I need a vacation from my vacation on it. that says, I need a vacation from my vacation on it. And Chip is trying to get recognized, so he's wearing his classic scarf, but he's ready to get wet and wild, so he's only wearing a little bikini,

like bikini bottoms and his famed scarf. Perfect. And you can tell Seb, he's not giving in on not taking the day off. But you guys still feel like pleading. I want to hear what you were supposed to do with Seb. Listen, man, we were supposed to go around town playing is this shit or is this piss? And then you said you were going to take me for ice cream. One scoop. I can't believe you were going to take me for ice cream. One scoop.

I can't believe you're doing this to me, man. And Seb, after we were going to play piss or shit, we were supposed to play whose shit is this? Where we identify which local townsperson this shit that we found is and belongs to and seb you were supposed to you said that we're gonna finally paint that mural in my room because you're such a beautiful artist you said you said you would take the day to do it and i got really excited i bought all the paint and i just thought you and i would connect. Please take the day off, Seb. Please. We can stay up. I can just not sleep.

I want to. Trust me, I want to. And Seb, you promised me that we'd go see the cheesemonger that lives on two streets over and that I would get to eat the cheese and that I would see colors in my head.

Queen Rat, it killed me to say this. The name's Jennifer. Jennifer, Queen Rat, it kills me to say this, but where the fuck are those steel cut oats, all right? They're so heavy. Where are they? They're so heavy. Get a friend.

You have 20 buds back there, all right? Just churning out steel cut oats you don't pay us enough i don't pay you anything exactly all right i'm going i'm sorry no jennifer i'm just i'm mad because of other stuff oh we i we can't just i can't close business when there's people waiting for our business so we'll'll just, we'll find a date in about nine months, maybe just a half day. What I have to say is I just, I can't do it today. All right. Well, you know what's up? Let's just, let's just not even count this as a day. Okay. We're just not even gonna count this as a day. We're going to be sad. We're going to pout. I'm, I know I'm going to pout and I'm going to'm gonna go like freaking i don't know just like go downstairs

and smoke a j or something because you really killed the day excuse me i'm so sorry to interrupt but i just couldn't help but over here were you all looking for someone to help you live your lives oh wow i guess yeah what the hell is that close. You just turned around in a stool and that was magical. Her hair, it's so long. It's so long. Don't touch it though. It's not my wash day. So it's just like an oil slick over here.

Wow. I love it even more. Okay, well, there's a lot of candles in here. So just watch out. Oh, okay, there's a lot of candles in here, so just watch out. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Oh, no, that's quite all right. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

I'd probably just burst right up into flames. All that being said, I was just planning on day drinking until I was escorted back to my house, but I would much rather accompany you fine strangers on the days of your choosings. Okay, great. Seb, you can work all day. This beautiful stranger with the longest hair I've ever seen can do all of our activities with us. What? She reminds me of my mom, and my mom was a pig.

Beef means that as a compliment. Beef has a very, very beautiful pig mother. I should introduce myself first. My name is L'Organ LaRue. That's L apostrophe Organ LaRue. You've already noticed my beautiful long black hair that is the color and texture of oil. And I don't mean to scare you, so I'll just give you a little warning. When I hop off this bar stool,

I'm no more than two and a half feet tall. But don't let that fool you. I've got a big personality. I think I'm meeting the love of my life. I think I'm meeting the love of my life. Beef, take it easy. She's my new best friend, so maybe just relax.

And also, Beef, maybe not say that right to her face. Yeah, you're an earshot. Beef, you're going to blow it for us. I'm going to blow it somewhere else, too. And Chip, glass houses, buddy. You're literally batting your eyelashes at her. Can everybody see this drool all over my mouth? Yes!

Okay. Okay, it's down. What's up, Lorgan? I'm Chip, but you probably know who I am. Well, I've been overhearing your conversation for a few minutes, if that's what you mean, but no, I've never heard of you in my life. Yeah. No, yeah.

I'm Chip. heard of you in my life yeah no yeah i'm chip you know like from the story about the guy he like got swallowed by a dragon and then he like cut his way out and that's like i did that i kind of did that thing oh you know what i don't read so oh okay it's kind of word of mouth but that's yeah i'm Chip, you're going to want to step back on this one. Ow. I don't know if you know me, but my name's Beef. Just Beef. Beef unbuttoned another button on his shirt. And I'm going to get wet and wild today. Beef, you're going to

want to step back on this one. My name's Jennifer. I'm a rat. And I forgot what else I was going to say, but you're awesome. Oh my gosh. Well, my stars, you guys are the friendliest people I ever have met.

Miss LaRue, ignore my friends. They are embarrassing people who I don't stand by in this moment. I just wanted to say that you seem so cool and if you ever want to hang out or like go to a concert

or I don't know, something that's like not lame, just totally cool. Like I don't even care. Like we could go anywhere. Like we can go shopping. I can buy you like, I can buy you like a bunch of

like different food that is so good and like we can just like make a day of it or oh my gosh i love food oh my god me too oh my god me too yeah no me too yeah also me that's crazy don't even care about food so that's crazy that we all love food but mostly me and uh morgan do you like cheese jennifer who is stirring the pot right now okay I'm sorry to be this guy

okay I'm going I'm going yeah who's starting all those rumors in the kitchen that that cause all the rats to work faster alright you are my rumor mill so get back in there okay I'm working um also I heard

that uh Chalice farts in her sleep. What the fuck, Jennifer? Save it, save it, save it for the kitchen. Oh, Chalice, that's completely normal. Yeah, that is true. They're stinky, too. It's true and it's loud. Loud and stinky.

Yeah, it is normal. Me and my new friend are normal. Yeah, so we're gonna see like a montage of the amazing Lorgan having one-on-one hangouts with the three of you. Miss LaRue, come with me. So much to show you. Grab my hand. It's like we're twins.

It is like we're twins. Can I just say that I had a feeling we were separated in the womb when I first met you? Oh my God, she likes me. You guys, don't we look alike? Oh, you can't say a thing like that. You're absolutely beautiful i'm gonna cry come here come see my room i want to show you my room okay i'm love rooms let me see and chalice like it's like her first friend she's ever had over from school that sort of vibe

she just goes around her room and just sort of gives her like a little tour um yeah so anyway um i was a princess, ran away because I didn't want to get married. And now I live here with all these guys and they're so lame, but they're fun. They're cool. They're like my brothers. They take pretty good care of me. You're going to love them, but not as much as you love me. Do you want to just like paint this mural with me? I bet you're really good at art. Oh, my gosh. Well, I was going to say, I bet you're really good at art based on my gosh. Well, I was going to say, I bet you're really good at art based on all the colors you have in your room. So inspiring. Yeah, I can't. Oh my God. I love this. So let's just like play like, like gab and play games

while we paint maybe. That's such a good idea. Do you know the game Truth or Dare? I've never played Truth or Dare, but i hear it's very fun oh my gosh and it's so fun to do with art oh cool okay um i'll go first truth or dare um truth because i want you to know who i am oh my gosh miss larue um my i guess my big first question is if you had to be a cow or a horse for the rest of your life, which would you choose to be? Oh, my gosh. That is such a beautiful and intelligent question. I choose horse because there's a smaller chance of me being pursued for meat for feasting. And I'm super fast.

Oh, my God. I can't even begin to go into how much I love that answer. I knew it. I figured you were a horse. I was like, she's gonna be a horse. I love that. I love that. Right? Okay. Well, permission to paint a horse, miss. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I'm Chalice, by the way. Again, Princess Chalice. You may be heard of me. No big deal if you haven't. Oh, my gosh. Again, I haven't read, but you seem like someone who I should know. So a thousand pardons on my behalf. No, you're perfect.

No, you're perfect. My turn. My turn. Okay. Okay. Truth or dare? I'm going to go with truth because I want you to know who I am. Oh, my gosh. That is like we're're twins do you remember i just said that yeah it's so funny it's so weird that is crazy because i

just said that i'm not that messy. Okay, truth. Truth. Do you think this horse I just painted so quickly is beautiful by itself, or should it be a unicorn? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is so beautiful.

Yeah, I have super fast fingers. Wow. Yeah, this is really lovely. I really appreciate it. I used to grow up with really nice, beautiful things around me, and this room just smells like beef's farts because they travel. So just to have it feel a little bit more like home, be a little nice, it really helps.

I really appreciate it. Oh, my gosh, of course. And, Chalice, if I may, you are clearly a unicorn. What? And I don't even mean that from like there's a sword coming out of your head. I just mean like you're like the most magic and precious thing I've ever seen. I don't mean to be awkward. Does that even make sense?

I'm so random. No, that is. That's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me i am i wasn't really allowed to have friends growing up kind of you weren't allowed to have friends when you're a princess they don't want you getting any ideas about anything how fast you can run yeah how fast yeah yeah how fast you can run because if you know you can run fast then it's game over for everybody yeah and that's so much of what friendship is about yeah and i don't know i just it feels really nice to finally meet a female friend and the second i saw how long your hair was compared to

your body i was like that's her that's my new best friend oh my gosh chalice the feeling is mutual babe and i don't mean to be hyperbolic, but believe me when I tell you that we're going to be best friends forever. What? This is the best Sebs day off ever. Sebs day. Oh, yes. These days rule.

This is amazing. Can I just like start telling you some of my secrets? Oh my gosh, I would love nothing more. Sometimes I have a dream, a nightmare really, that I'm a piece of toast and various people eat me. And that's one of my biggest nightmares. Another secret I have is I have kind of a small crush

on one of the guys I work with, but I don't think I'll ever tell him. So it's just like kind of a hard thing to navigate. And I just, I feel so good to say that. Knock, knock, moon interrupt. It's not him. It's, knock. It's not him. It's not him. It's not him.

That's not the one. Oh my God. Well, it'd be hard not to. So I'm glad you clarified. Oh, hi. Hi, wet beef. Beef, you have another button unbuttoned. I was just wondering if I could maybe steal our special guest away.

I have a little treat for you, Oregon. Yeah, you should take a break from painting. I'll clean up all the paint. I'll see you soon, though, I bet. Beef, don't weird her out, okay? She's my new best friend. She already told me. Okay, great.

And Chalice, don't forget to paint on that horn, because remember what we said. I'm a unicorn. Yeah, you are a unicorn beef it took me seven weeks to get your last fart smell out this is so mean come on lorgan oh my gosh you're pronouncing it correctly that really means a lot so beef where do you take uh lorigan i want to take lorigan all the way down to the basement okay and to the corner of the basement where i like to where i like to take sleep um i've set up some candles down there. And I'm bringing her down.

I don't normally get nervous, but I just want to show you my vulnerable spot. Oh, my gosh. That's the hay that I sleep on sometimes. Beef, this is extraordinary. Thanks, thanks. That's a rock that I like to talk to sometimes. I'm pretty sure my dad's spirit is inside that rock. I don't have any proof.

No one believes me. Just a strong feeling? Yeah, yes, yes. Yeah yes yeah absolutely was your dad a really good listener what well i don't know i i guess i would think if i was talking to a rock a rock is probably the best listener i can think of never interrupts never changes the subject to talk about itself. It just takes it. He was the best listener. I actually didn't really know my real parents. Oh.

I was raised by pigs. So this rock reminds you of the pig, the male pig who raised you? Hey, hey, do you have a, hey, do you have a favorite song? And they named you Beef. Yeah,

it's kind of a silly thing they did to me. To tell, to tell me that I wasn't a part of the group. Right, in case you were confused because of your, got it. Yeah, you know how like Tarzan's name isn't monkey

right but monkeys names are traditionally monkey sure what's your favorite song oh probably um julia by the beatles okay hey uh i set up kind of something a little special. And then a little frog jumps up by this little window, and I poke it, and he starts to sing the song. Oh, you must have been a Julia, baby. Oh, my gosh, it's beautiful. And right now, a mouse comes out of a tipped-over sty and goes, I'm doing just harmonies. Do you want to dance?

I would love to dance. Mouse and frog music is my favorite kind of music. It doesn't matter what they play. It always sounds a little bit better. Jubilee up. And you expect Beef to go up to her and start like grab her and dance,

but he actually turns around and faces the wall. This is how we dance. Who's we? The pigs. The pigs. We actually are kind of self-conscious about dancing, so we all turn away from each other. Oh my gosh.

Do you mind? No, I'd be honored to take part in your traditions. I already have this wall, so you could stand over there. Oh yeah, I'll go way over there. It's a little wet looking, but... Yeah, that could be shit or piss. Don't know yet.

Oh my gosh. I love that game. Can I just say it's so hard. I never get all the way up to Sunday. You know, each day gets progressively harder. Monday, Tuesday, even Wednesday I'm pretty good at. But by Thursday, it's really like, I don't know. Is it shit or piss?

Oh, my God. Yeah, you're right. That's the perfect joke she did. I think I, I think I. Hey, what's up? Oh, hi, Chip. Yeah, what's up? Oh, you know me? You actually, oh, you know me. hi, Chip. Yeah, what's up? We were just playing. Oh, you know me?

Oh, you know me. I'm Chip. Yeah. Well, you introduced yourself earlier today, but I've heard I should know you. Is that why you know me? Okay. Well. Listen, man, what are you doing here?

I'm kind of doing like a bachelorette style pulling. That's what I did earlier. Oh, did you do that earlier? i'm kind of i'm doing it now yeah well you guys have both had a ton of time with your having talked to it all you know oh my god jennifer if you don't stop bothering us i'm gonna take the staff and control you again is that what you want that's seriously f***ed up. I'm out of here. Roommate dynamics are so specific. Yeah, that's not a roommate. That's just a little rat. Oh, I'm trying to be sensitive to people's cultures.

I think that's respectful. That's cool. Do you want to get out of here? Oh, sure. If that's all right with you, Beef. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. I'll clean up. If you just play some music, Beef will dance at the wall for hours and he won't even know. Oh, okay. Hey, little frog.

Well, you must have been a beautiful Julia. There he goes, singing the Beatles song. I can't stop dancing. All right, let's sneak out of here okay so uh chip where are you taking lorgan lorgan so there's this uh there's just like this stupid thing at seven i always do on seb's day where we um i don't know if you know the game fruit ninja but like we we do fruit ninja to and he kind of wingmans me. Oh, my gosh.

I'm learning so many new games today. I don't know Fruit Ninja, but it sounds scary. Yeah, we kind of just throw fruit at each other and chop it with a big sword. Oh, okay. Yeah, we just call it something different where I'm from. Oh, what do you guys call it? Juicy Fruit Attack. Juicy Fruit Attack.

That's so good. Oh, my God. That's so good. Yeah, my God. That's so good. People usually die at the end. Yours sounds much more pleasant. Oh, no. Ours is purely to show off and to try and pick up ladies or whatever you're into. We're not allowed to use weapons.

This is where people throw watermelons at your head until you die for punishment. Yeah, no. This isn't that. This isn't that. Yeah, this is fun. Oh, okay. I isn't that. Yeah, this is fun. Oh, okay. I love fun games. Yeah.

Because I'm trying to like, you know, there's this, it's stupid. I don't even want to, maybe I shouldn't even get into it. Oh, no, you can tell me anything. This is a judgment-free zone. There's kind of just this girl that I have a crush on that I feel like I shouldn't get into it with her because she kind of lives with us and um and so i'm trying to like find somebody else that i'm interested in like move on you know uh it's just been totally oh that's so hard and especially since you know the saying you shouldn't is that shit or piss where you eat you should not is that shit or piss where you eat and i'm trying

not to is that shit or piss where i eat but it's so hard when you see this person who i'm not going to even say who it is but when you see this person like every single day you just like you want to piss or shit you know of course of course who't? That's the feeling of love. Wait, what? Well, the feeling of love, as far as I've experienced it, is sort of a total loss of bowel control. It's like there's a higher power that's manipulating each of your organs, including the large and small intestines. It makes total sense that you'd feel like shit or piss. Dang. Okay, now I definitely got to try and move on from this person

because that sounds miserable. Okay, I'm not somebody that wants to be in love ever. Okay, I'm kind of a little bachelor guy that's trying to get around town, if you know what I mean. Well, how's that going? Uh. Get around town, if you know what I mean. Well, how's that going?

Dang. Yeah, I guess nobody's really ever asked me that. Yeah, kind of a hard-hitting question.hitting question yeah it kind of hit me real deep um i have some good nights that i that i remember and a lot of lonely nights where i'm looking at seb he sleeps in the same room as me that's what i'm saying kind of like just like look at seb and i I want him to like, you know, ask these questions that you and I kind of got into really quickly before even Bart started playing the game, which isn't really the rules. But that's OK. Yeah. And I kind of just sit there lonely and hoping that he gets into this stuff with me.

So I guess thank you. Oh, of course. Any time. What's your deepest, darkest problem? Uh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Do you mind if I steal Oregon for a minute? Oh, hi, Jennifer.

I didn't even see you down there. It's not Jennifer, just so you know. She's not the one I have the crush on. That's what I'm saying. Oh. I'm sorry we didn't even get to the game, but just, I guess, thank you. That's okay. I think we got to the point. Yeah. I think we got to the point.

Yeah, I think we got to the point, too. Yeah, I think we all got to the point. Okay, Jennifer, let's you and I head out of here. Good luck, Chip. Thank you. While Lorgan's off with Jennifer, hopefully getting her some cheese, a big cheese wheel, hopefully getting her some cheese, a big cheese wheel.

You guys all converge and bust into the office of Seb. You don't know that you're all going to get there at the same time. And let's say that this actually takes place just at the main bar where Seb is doing some paperwork. Jennifer, why did you tell customers with every beer comes a piece of advice?

All right, I don't have... Seb, Seb, Seb! Morgan is the best ever. Sep! Sep! I'm like in friend love. I'm in friend love. Hey. Sep, I'm gonna need time off tonight. Yeah, same here. Also me. I've got

plans. I'm running out of advice. I've told someone it's hard to fly like an eagle when you run with the turkeys six times because I don't know any other advice right now. All right? I thought it was great advice.

That's awesome, but I'm getting tired of saying it. Why do you guys all need time off? Seb, I made matching outfits for me and Miss LaRue.

We are best friends and we're going to hit the town tonight. Get a little drunk, make a lot of memories. I cannot wait. going to hit the town tonight. Get a little drunk. Make a lot of memories. I cannot wait. Please give me the night off. Yeah, here's the thing.

So, yeah, Chalice is not going to need the night off because actually me and Lorgan are actually we're going to hit the town and she's going to kind of help me move on from this crush that I have. Ew. What? You crush? No. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I freaking crush and I have. What? Ew. What? You crush? No. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I freaking crush and I crush hard.

Yeah. But she's going to help me move on and find somebody else to keep my mind off of other things. This kind of sounds like something you try to talk to me about at nighttime when I'm trying to sleep. So I don't even want to get into it. So maybe we don't talk about that uh okay beef all right beef beef my my my freaking ace in the hole you're not trying to get tonight off right I need tonight off because I'm about to propose to the woman of my life

I need you in the duckscks tonight, all right? With a little broom, all right? They're clogged to shit. What do you mean? Beef has slicked back his hair and is wearing his finest clothes. Beef, what are you talking about? I don't know, guys. I've never felt this way before.

My heart is in my butt and my butt is in my feet. And that's not normal normal i've never seen so many buttons buttoned on beef look he's all the way up to the tip top it looks weird you guys it's i don't mean to like rain on your parade but miss larue is my best friend and she can't also be your rebound from something or your fiance it's's just not going to happen today. You guys just forget about me. Nobody wants to hang out with me. Huh?

Everybody. I want to hang out with Morgan. Yeah. I need her to wingman me. I need somebody to love. Hey, everybody. Morgan. Yay. Yeah.

Yay. Oh, it's so good to see all of you. Even better to smell you. Oh, beef. That's so specific. Oh, Beef, that's so specific. Hey, Seb, can I grab you for a second? What? Yeah, for like literally just like one second.

Well, it's hard to let someone hang out with you if you only give them one second, don't you think? Okay, fine. Yeah, we can do this. All right, let's go. Beef, you cover the bar. Chip, you cover Beef. Chalice, let's go. Let's go. Beef, you cover the bar. Chip, you cover beef. Chalice, you cover chip. Between the three of you, just cover the bar, please.

This blows. What was the eagle's thing, just in case we need it? It's hard to fly like an eagle when you run with the turkeys. So I think just kind of surround yourself with the company that really helps you to excel. I don't know. I read it on a cart. Oh, my gosh. That's the most beautiful advice helps you to excel. I don't know. I read it on a cart. Oh my gosh. That's the most beautiful advice I've ever heard.

That was actually etched on my grandmother's gravestone. She loved turkeys. That's maybe where I learned it. I go for walks in graveyards sometimes. Hey, can I show you where I punch a side of beef? Where you punch a side of beef? Not like my friend beef, but like an actual, we have like I punch a side of beef where you punch a side of beef not not like my friend beef but like an actual we have like a big meat side of beef and I punch that when I get frustrated oh yes I'd love to see your special spot yeah yeah yeah it's pretty cool it kind of smells bad

but I try to replace the uh side of beef every couple of days I'm talking about the beef too much I'm so sorry. Yeah, that's quite all right. It sounds like it's really important to you. Yeah, it is important because like I need to exercise like I'm not getting any younger. Yes. Sometimes like I just I really wish that I had insurance so I could just burn this place to the ground. Is that insane? No, of course not. That's just not where I expected the sentence to go. But yeah, that's a really good reason to want insurance. Yeah, sorry. My sentences

are all over the place. I just have so many things kind of just ricocheting around in my old noggin as I... That makes a lot of sense. If your brain works as quickly as yours does, it must be really hard to even speak. Well, thank you. I mean, what about your brain, though? I feel like you're complimenting me all the

time like what's what what organ what do you what do you like to do huh sorry about that okay yeah you like you like that okay good chalice chip and beef um can be they can have their ears up to the door cool and i will say um because you guys have been listening uh and you can see what lorgan's like like when she's talking to someone else that's not you it makes you go like for a second was she being real with me so let's just have everybody roll perception 16 for old chip so chip you realize lorgan might not be who they say they are and we'll just uh continue the scene with uh lorgan and seb in the office okay this is gonna sound weird but do you want to see where i keep all of my money in like assorted jewels oh um yeah i guess anything that feels important to you, I'd love to see it.

I just never get to share this with people. And you're just like, so like nice. And like, I, I don't know. I just feel like I can like, really, I feel comfortable to share this thing. So this is the safe. Don't tell anyone. At that exact moment, a dart hits your neck and Seb is immediately unconscious. Shit piss. What did you want to try to do Chip? I mean right as he was saying that I was about to kick down the door. Okay it is

locked um so you can roll to kick down uh the door the hinges like come exploding off and then there's dust and then on the ground once the dust clears you guys have all i assume you all run in yeah yeah okay. It's just Seb who's now unconscious with a dart in his neck. And then there's no sign of Lorgan right now. Okay. So did you guys roll for perception? Yes. And so I know that Chip rolled a goose egg.

I got an 18 and I rolled 15. Just Chalice. You see Lorgan trying to slip out the door opening that Chip just kicked down. And you see that Seb is unconscious on the ground. Hey, Bestie, where are you going? You stupid girl, you will never

catch me. Oh, she's French. She's so hot. She's a phony French person. She's phony as F. She's so hot. She's a phony French person. She's phony as F. She's got the coolest accent. Hey, did you forget your dart in Seb? Oh my God, Seb, I didn't even notice.

Chalice, you stupid idiot. I am here to murder him. What? Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people, or maybe you need a little alone time.

Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dotcom slash sitcom D&D. What? Yes, I am here from Maldow. You will never catch me.

So was it even about the jewels or anything? Jennifer, go back to work. Nobody pays me. Miss LaRue I'm like a princess You came here to kill Seb

I don't understand That is what makes you hurt in your feelings Is that I didn't come here to kill you Yeah a little bit Yeah he's like the least famous of all four of us Why would you kill him That pisses me off Because it's not a popularity contest.

It's who I was sent here to kill, okay? Some of us do jobs. Sent here? Are you an assassin? Hold on, hold on. You're French? Beef. Beef.

Beef. Oh, LeBouf. Always the slowest. Beef, why are you trying to still hand her that ring? Beef, put the ring away. She's trying to kill Seb. She looks like my mom. Your mom was a pig.

She was. She was. She was. What's going on? Beef, stop trying to give her the ring. Beef. Oh, sweet and simple, Leboeuf. You thought I came to be friends and lovers

with you? Not at all. I came here for one reason. To put a poison dart in the neck of your bartender friend. I've used each and every one of you to get close enough to him to put a poisonous dart in his neck that is right now leeching enough poison

into his bloodstream to kill him. Help me. Fortunately, I have the antidote. Unfortunately, I will not be sharing as soon as I steal you out this window. Then why tell us? Oh, just so you know, I always

think it through in case the dart came to me or to one of you jabronis. I didn't want to waste my time killing you. So anyway, yeah. Le organ, le roux, brings the antidote. Vive la France. You're fake, but you're going to keep all the stuff we said secret, right?

Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. I may not read, but I am writing a killer tell-all as soon as I can squiggle out of this window. We have to stop her. Good thing that window's so small. Does this mean that you don't like playing?

Is it shit or is it piss? Oh my God, Leboeuf. Okay, so Chalice is gonna try to make a move. Let's roll for initiative. So Ben, just because this is more fun, we'll say that the way that this poison now works is that it's like sleep paralysis. Like your eyes are open,

but you can't move a single thing in your body. And you can kind of talk. You can talk. But we're going to have you roll a death saving throw then right now. And it's either if it's above 10, you pass it. And if it's below 10, you don't pass it. You three of those natural 20. Oh, that's good for two. Yeah. So that means you only have one to go to gain a hit point back. But you could roll three bad ones in a row and also die for forever. And then we don't have a podcast anymore. Oh no.

Oh, don't do that to me. Okay, Olivia. So in this turn, basically what Olivia's character can do is multi-attack and do four attacks at once. Whoa. With either dagger or with range weapons. That's awesome.

I'm a dwarf, babe. Which one would you want to do? Little crossbow. Cool. So with like lightning speed, Lorgan loads a small crossbow and fires it out and then loads it again, fires it out, loads it again, fires it out,

loads it again, fires it out in rapid succession. Let's have you roll four times. Chip, does the 16 get you? Nope. For Aaron, does 14 hit your armor class um no okay and then for beef uh does 16 hit your armor class yes okay and then for ben um does 16 hit your armor class uh yeah four arrows shoot from where lorgan is like at and meanwhile she's trying to run to the door chip avoids one chalice goes like right over your shoulder and then beef gets you right

in the flank and then one shoots right in to sab uh and those do four damage. Oh, shit. I look at Lorgan and I say, Lorgan, if that's your real name. Is it your real name? Oui. Oui, okay. Okay, well, since it is, I'm going to freaking battleaxe the heck out of you and I battleaxe the heck out of Lorgan.

And I did roll a one i did botch oh okay now the way we do it on this podcast is if you botch roll one out of a hundred to see just how severe this botch is and how much how bad it's going to be for you 55 so what you do is you swing so hard that you don't hit her, obviously. But there's so much momentum behind that you just start spinning. And you spin around about four or five times. Luckily, you don't hit anything else. But once you finally come to a stop, you see her.

She's still moving. You're still trying to chase her. And you've got the dizzies. So you just look like a clown. Cool. As I'm spinning as i'm spinning i'm yelling don't tell my secrets and now it's beef right i still don't believe it i just don't believe it i just don't believe it you just got shot by an arrow dude i still don't believe it

love her she's a phony this She's a phony. Love hurts. This hurts. Because you feel like Beef's still in love with Lorgan? Yeah. Well, you could just try to like stop her to talk to her. Yeah. You know, kind of grapple? Yes.

Okay. Roll a d20. It's just going to be a strength check. It's a six. Total? Yeah, because my strength is negative one. Yeah. joke lorgan rolled a seven so i mean you guys are really battling out for a second and then lorgan so you since it's so close beef you get a second to kind of get some words in what would you like to say why why did you ever love me oh it's timeuf it's time that you learn this the owled

way my name's beef translated it's Leboeuf what are you saying to me you don't speak French this will never work how do you know that because you can't understand your own name

you simple simple boy raised by pigs dancing at the walls guessing between the difference between shit and piss you know what you don't deserve me and then she tosses you to the side and then I think it's

Aaron right you don't deserve me I want to do maybe i'll do a fireball 18 yeah that hits uh when she casts it though she goes miss larue look look at me because she still wants to try to influence her yeah miss larue looks and when she looks there's a big fireball coming at her boom envelops her hits and then it's 1d10 so that does nine damage oh damn um so she's she's immediately bloodied um which means that more than half of her hp nice is gone after the flame kind of disperses that just enveloped

lorgan you see that she's now out of the office and in the main space still making a break for the door so she's about to get away and she in the main space, still making a break for the door. She's about to get away. And she has that antidote. And it really doesn't look good for Seb. And speaking of Seb, let's hear from you. You can't really do much. You're going to make a saving throw.

How are you feeling? Not feeling tip top, you guys. I might need a glass of water. Just kind of call it a day. All right, Seb, roll a d20. No, nine. Okay. Two Sam, roll a d20. No. Nine. Okay. Two good ones, one bad one.

Is he going to die? I might actually die. Is it lower again after that? Yeah. Okay, I'm still a little bit on fire. And so then I lug what is to me a tremendous crossbow. And I just blast it as close to the hearts of the people who have loved me as I possibly can. Oh, my goodness.

Hey! Amping up the drama. Slipping and sliding on my oily hair the whole way. So, yeah, because Lorgan was kind of running wildly on the way out, some shots went amiss. But one of them connected with Beef right in the other flank. Double flank. And what is it, Chip now? I worry she's going to get away and I'm not concerned about killing her anymore

because if she gets away, my secrets are safe with her. So I'm just going to run up to her and try and sleight of hand the antidote away from her. Oh, nice. Nice. Cool. Alright, roll for that. That's a nat 20.

Holy shit. Damn. I do classic sneaking over. A classic. What's that song? And that's Julia by the Beatles. And the frog and the mouse were singing that, by the way, while you were sneaking. And Beef was dancing at the wall.

So, Lorgan, as you were reloading to shoot like for a fourth time, you don't notice until the deed's already been done. But Chip has the antidote. I got the antidote. I got the antidote. I got the antidote. Help me. One second. I don't have that. And just because you said one second, Ben,

you should roll a d20 just to see. So more time has passed. Just give it a second. Hold on. I can see my granddad. 18. So you regain a hit point, but you're still completely immobilized.

See, you're fine. Fine, fine. You got the antidote. That's fine with me, okay? I've been looking to have a healthier work life balance anyway. This job means so little to me. I'm concentrating on my pottery. Doesn't even help my feelings you took the antidote.

Whatever. We can't trust a word you say because yours is a big fat phony. Yeah, but would you say that the unicorn part was maybe the one thing today that you meant? Jesus Christ, Chalice. She remembered my name. Oh my god. You tattooed it on my arm. Oh yeah, with the little paint.

Memories. Listen up! It means so little to me. You know it was a stupid assignment in the first place, given by an even stupider assigner. That good enough for me? That's vague. Information-wise for me, information-wise? No, that's vague. Chalice, that was very vague.

Oh, sorry. Chalice, do not settle, because wouldn't you like to know who came here to kill Seb? It wasn't me, I'm just a hired hand. Good enough for me, guys, let's hit the show. No, Chalice. Why are you doing this? I bet it might be interesting to find out

who hired me to be the killer. Because who knows? Once someone hires, they will hire again. You're looking at another paid employee who will come to kill you. So it might be in your best interest to buy some answers from me. You know what I'm saying? Sab, give us your tips from today. Sab, give us all your tips.

Okay, so this one, someone gave me a piece of advice on it. And it says, you're the VIP to me. This one says, the truth are, we are purses. I search his pants. I search his paralyzed legs for money. Hey, hey. We're trying to figure out who freaking killed your ass, or tried to at least. Do I find anything?

Yeah, you find his tips. It's like it was a really good amount. He was working his ass off. It's like 10 gold pieces. Okay. I slip five in my pocket. Nice. That's a smart business.

And then I give five to Lorgan. I actually go, is this enough? Oh, five will do the job just right six and i'll tell no secrets oh okay give her some money i throw i throw the other five in there desperately 10 actually not the great negotiators you guys okay no secrets but but who sent you? Let's just say whoever hired me asked me to turn you into ground meat on site And bake your buns on the premises Jennifer! Okay, I'm busted!

What? No, I actually don't know what's happening I had nothing to do with this What? I don't know, I just felt like happening. I had nothing to do with this. What? I don't know. I just felt like the attention was on me and that felt cool for a second. It was. I do know something about that in that that's like the slogan

and kind of like the conceit of that bar across the street. Thunder and lightning happened. Yeah, thunder and lightning happens. You guys all race to the window and you look and you see because, you know, thunder and lightning happened yeah thunder and lightning happens you guys all race to the window and you look and you see because you know thunder and lightning it's it's raining and through the fog you see across the street there are kind of the bizarro funhouse versions

of yourselves who work at the bar across the street are watching you to see if their plan to assassinate Seb went as planned. And now you know who is trying to kill you is the bar across the street, better known as Fuddruckers. What happened to Jimmy Pesto's? And with that, Lorgan has found her opening to make her escape. And Lorgan, if you have any final words, feel free. Goodbye, suckers. It's been a pleasure having each of you

fall in love with me. May you find love in each other and wish I should have written something down. Anyway, so good to meet you. Good luck with whatever it is you're looking for. If you need anything I do know all your secrets

So you can just give me Actually better not to reach out to me Okay bye Will you marry me? She's so cool and so real Can someone bring me a glass of water? Seb Oh Seb

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs Oh, sad. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. We were joined by our first ever guest, Olivia Nielsen. Isn't she just the best? Do yourself a favor and follow Olivia on TikTok at Olivia West Nielsen. And I swear you will never stop smiling. That is at Olivia West Nielsen. And Nielsen is spelled N-I-E-L-S-E-N.

Okay, if you're wondering why I sound weird, it's because this weekend was my birthday and I was in New Orleans screaming at live music. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song. I did the editing, and Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept for this episode. Thanks so much for listening. To stay up to date on the show,

you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd, that is sitcom in the letters D and D. If you've enjoyed our first six episodes and you're hungry for more, you can head to our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcomdnd, or we will be releasing a bonus episode every week. Recently, we just hit our first stretch goal of over 200 patrons,

and so we released a one-shot that Aaron GM'd set in the Grey's Anatomy universe, and it was a ton of fun. So thanks to everyone who's already become a audience member or a kitchen rat. And we are thrilled about that. And thank you guys so much. If you want to join the Patreon and listen to that and a bunch of other bonus content we've come out since the start, again, you can go to patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Awesome. If you can't help us financially, you can still help us out a ton by rating the show and subscribing wherever you get podcasts

Or by recommending the show to a friend who likes weird shit. I think that's it for now until next week And thanks as always for listening You that was a hate gun podcast