SitcomD&D - S1 E7: The Bar Across the Street

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

After Seb narrowly escapes death, the gang decides to investigate those they believe to be responsible... The staff of the bar across the street.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Alright, so last time, Seb was almost assassinated by Lorgan LaRue, a very cool assassin that you all individually fell in love with, but Seb pulled through and you thwarted lorgan and you got a pretty solid clue as to who may have hired her to kill seb and that clue led you to glance out the window of bottoms up where you realized you were being watched by the staff at the bar across the street fudruckers the other thing um is that at this bar there are the Bizarro Funhouse Mirror versions of yourselves there. And my initial impulse

is to have you guys play those. Okay? So like, if you ever have questions of like, am I playing this right or whatever, feel free. But like, mostly it's going to be like what your character wishes they were actually like. Well, so we're going to pick up right in that moment,

right where we left off last episode. So quiet on set. Sound is speeding. and we're rolling oh my gosh my headphones got unplugged did everyone say it when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains

Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef,

Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Well, all right, I'm kind of ticked off. All right, you guys. I don't blame you, Seb. I don't blame you.

I could have died in there. And beyond that, my trust is broken in a person and I'm feeling vulnerable. I've lost the one woman I ever thought I would get married to. B, if you need to instantly get over this. Yeah, B, B, y'all move on. We got shit to do, okay? We got shit to do.

You gotta cure your love sickness. We're in a different time and space now. You gotta move forward. Okay, for the gang, I'll do it. Your whole thing is you're supposed to be stainless steel, all right? I need you to be stainless steel right now, all right? Well, sometimes stainless steel likes to get polished every once in a while. That is disgusting.

That is so gross. I don't know if I like that. I got a question for the group. I know I'm still relatively new. Yeah. But what the heck? Like, do you guys just make enemies wherever you go? Like, why would they want to kill you?

That's bizarre. I like to think that enemies make us. Chip, that's nothing. Well, I don't want to say that Chip's wrong or that you're wrong, but I want to say that Chip is kind of right because, sure, it's a little bit more than per capita, but I think we have just a mostly normal, just above mean number of enemies. I don't think that's anything abnormal. You know what? Let's go kick their freaking ass. I think we should.

I think we should. We got to kick their freaking ass. They tried to kill my best friend, myff okay my best ff they tried to kill all of us well but mostly i'm mostly concerned about my best ff oh seb yeah seb i'm really sorry that that happened again you know what we should kick their asses but or i don't know what if we just went in there and we tried to figure out what was going on? No, I want to run over there, punch a fist, smack a face, and throw a glass on the ground. I think we should Troy their asses. Troy their asses.

Trojan horse? Are you saying Trojan horse? Yeah, Troy their asses. Yeah, you have a friend named Troy. What did he do? Yeah, what did Troy do? He built a horse made out of wood. I'm sorry.

Is this the one that you've gone to his funeral twice? Because I don't know if he's actually dead. Oh, fuck. That guy. He's so hilarious. Yeah, I've gone to his funeral twice. I think he's dead. But who knows?

Okay, so Troy built a horse. And then what happened next? He shoved it full of people. Had a party. But this is different. We want to... You want to do that, but the mean way? Yeah, the mean way.

I just want to kick some asses, though. Okay. What if I just want to kick a... Okay, Chalice, we'll hear you out. What if... And it's just... This is not because I haven't worn a costume in a while this is for a real reason what if we went in disguise scoped them out and then when the time

is right and i give troy their asses we troy their asses i assume troy ended up beating someone up he murdered a lot okay great and we beat their asses but first what if we just go in we get some intel we figure it out chalice did you just put costumes on all three of us while you were saying that i am very good oh i like my hat why don't all of you describe what your disguises look like right now mine has a little bell on the end of it how Oh, and little stockings that are red and white and a green top. Hey, wait a minute. I look like an elf. Beep's a little elf.

It looks kind of cute, though. Am I right? Oh, do I look cute? Yeah. Well, it's much lamer than my big freaking huge white beard that I got and a big red suit. I don't know if you just look right together. A big black belt and some rosies.

What the hell are you? What are you? What is this? I don't know. I guess I'm going to go by the name Chris, though. I like it. Yeah, you like that? Chris.

Well, now I'm a little bit miffed, because you guys obviously go together, and I'm just wearing a shirt that says, I ate the worm, I'm the dumb fuck from Al Capoco. Yeah, but you look great! And a jester hat. I can hardly tell it's you. It's very fitting on your figure. Okay.

See, Seb, everyone's gonna be reading the shirt and not paying attention to what you're saying or doing yeah it's just really is she i have big old answers antlers and a big red nose okay but now i'm even more miffed because i'm the only one that couldn't i've been the sack or something like what sack yeah i don't know what sack you're referring to. Yeah, what are you talking about? I feel like this fat man needs a big sack to go along with his reindeer. Okay, fine, I'll make you a new costume. Okay, let's just say that this big fat guy's got a big old sack, if you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. I mean, to be fair, Seb, you kind of do look like a big old sack. Hi, Jennifer, the rat here. And maybe I could go into a giant red sock and that would be my costume for this fun adventure. Jennifer, I ran out of fabric and someone is going to have to serve customers. Oh, really convenient. It's actually really convenient since me and my Rat friends made you an entire dress a week ago. Well, that's just because I went, ah.

What am I doing? I'm making a dress. You guys, you guys started making me a dress. Please stop. Well, that's just because I went, ah. What am I doing? I'm making a dress. You guys, you guys started making me a dress. Please stop. I don't want to make this dress. I don't know who did that to you, but I was just singing and cleaning, and then a bird landed on my finger and started singing with me, and then you guys ran in and started making me a dress.

So I don't know what to tell you. Sounds horrific. It was really weird. Yeah. Are you okay, Chalice? Yeah, thanks. I'm sorry that we weren't there for you in that moment. Is she okay? Thank you so much, guys.

You know what? I'm enough of this. The whole kitchen staff, we don't get any respect. And you know what? We have some pretty good ideas, too. Like what? Yeah, come on. Well, there's this thing, okay, that is this cantrip that you could do.

If you hold this rack, and then if there was like a long wait at the restaurant you could give someone this rock and then if i rubbed its counterpart then that rock starts to flash red and buzz and then you know your table's up no anyways maybe if we got a maybe if we got a lot maybe we had a long waiting list at one point, that would prove helpful. Yeah, literally no one ever has to wait ever here. Has anyone ever had to wait? Everybody gets seated immediately. The only time I've ever seen someone wait is people are waiting to leave.

Everyone's trying to leave all at once, and they sort of have to wait to leave. Do you have a version that does that for people waiting to leave? I've got tons of ideas and here I go. Number two. I take out the staff, the rat staff, and I make Jennifer go back to the kitchen. No, don't worry guys. It's not as dark as you think. That's very cool and normal and totally awesome.

No, that's the point. I'm like a pied piper. Cool. So you guys are in your disguises. Are you going to head over to check out Fuddruckers? What if we, what if we, okay, we're infiltrating them, right? Yeah. How about we bring them some presents?

Ooh, that is a great idea. I got some downstairs. You got some, Beef already has presents? Yeah. And I've got a few extra of the t-shirts. I got some downstairs. You got some, beef already has presents? Yeah. And I've got a few extra of the t-shirts, I ate the worm, I'm the dumb fuck from Al Capoco. Is that what it's called? You have more.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. That is what my shirt actually does say. So yeah. I made a bunch. Also just noticed the booty shorts and it just says pervert across the back. Like what the, what are you trying to do to me all right no one's gonna be looking at your face they're gonna be looking at that

ass i'm worried i'm gonna be arrested all right well you might be arrested for that ass being out of this world so as you guys approach you see that there is a line outside of fudruckers uh and you step into it and already you can tell this is this is a happening place dang they need those things that jennifer just they need a red rock you know what i mean guys what the heck how is there like none of this foot traffic comes to our bar like what how are they so popular they're called I mean how good could this be so you get to the front of the line and you see a doorman who's wearing a beautiful tuxedo with the sleeves taken off he is massive he's bigger than chip he's bigger he's taller than chalice. He's thinner than Chip,

but very toned. You can tell he's thinner, but definitely stronger than Chip, without a doubt. And has a full luscious head of hair. And he's wearing a name tag that says capital O

R E, and there's a space capital O, period. I don't get it. Oreo. It's Oreo. It's Oreo. Yeah, it deserves an O. His name is O-R-E-O?

His name's Ori. O. Ori. Okay, his name is Ori. Also, I'd like to point out how many times Sean said that he was thinner than Champ. Yeah, I heard that a lot.

He's thinner, but he's also stronger. Also, he's like a lot more cut. He's more toned and skinnier and weighs less. Just thinner. And doesn't weigh quite as much. He accidentally says the name will lead like six times. He's just cooler and better than lead. So you get to the front of the line and Ori says, hello.

Well, I'm sorry. That's yours. I was going to say. You got to do this. So hey, what's up? What are y'all doing here? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is a doorman. Hi. Whoa. Wow. I've never seen my cheeks like this. Like, I don't even know what's happening. Yeah. What smell is that smell? Oh, my gosh. Hi! Whoa! I've never seen my cheeks like this. Like I don't even know what's happening. Yeah what smell is that smell? Oh my gosh. Hi.

Oh that's called musk. Wow. Your hair is so beautiful. Have you ever braided it? You want to touch it? Yes. You want to touch it you little elf? Yes. Wow it's so lightweight but also dense. But thick, yeah.

Dense and light. How did you do that? What do you use? Well, it's a mixture of dragons. Just in that moment, a thief, a gnome, is running by, grabs Chalice's hand, rips the ring off her finger, and keeps running. And everyone is very shocked but i think you could probably handle this ori hey ma'am i know you're freaking out right now i am i'm freaking out how did you know so calm but i got this oh my god he's so calm uh ori uh walks and it's somehow faster than this thief's running.

He like saunters over and he grabs a guy by the back of the neck. His legs are still moving as if he's on the ground. He's running as fast as he can in the air. You got somewhere to be? Chip, why are you moving over there like you're going to help? I think he's

got this. No, I got this. This is I got this. I'll take this guy to the ground. And Chip starts running over there too. But it's way slower. And he's also running. He's at a dead sprint and it's somehow slow. He's at a dead sprint and it's so slow.

So Ori takes the ring from the guy and kind of drops him and it's just as chips arriving and the gnome starts to beat the shit out of jim oh no oh oh ori ori can you help us out our friend's in peril i got this and then uh ori, Ori's going to take the goblin or what is it? Is he a goblin? He's a gnome. He's a gnome.

He takes the gnome and he like throws him through the wall. He throws him through the wall and he looks at Chip and he goes, hey buddy, I know you need this. And he gives Chip the ring to return back to Chaz.

Oh, brutal. So degrading oh um uh no i didn't need this but but thank you and i run and chip runs back so slow so slow i really don't want to be massaging your thigh all right if you pull another hamm hammy, I'm not going to be up all night massaging your little thighs, all right, dude? Okay. I'll just get Beef to do it. By the time Chip has gotten back after running back, or he's been back a long time and is back to flirting with Beef and Chalice. Would you guys like to take a seat? Yes.

I can show you around the place. Absolutely. Chip, come back. Chip, we're about to get seated. Chip, we're about to get seated. Hurry up. I know. I got the ring. I earned it. We have to have everyone in our party before we can sit.

Yeah, we have to have everyone in our party. There's literally vultures circling you, alright? They can smell death on you, man. They can't see us until we have our full party. Also, guys, I'm not Chip. I'm freaking Chris. Remember?

Yes, Chris. When he hears you guys saying that, he just kind of looks a little bit confused at you, but moves on. Moves you guys into the restaurant, into Fuddruckers. Ori literally picks them up and moves them all. This is so nice. Guys, I think we're doing a good job of being sneaky.

Yeah, we've only said your real name like twice. You walk inside Fuddruck, and it is absolutely gorgeous. There's a decadent, chic bar that stretches across the entirety of one of the walls. It's dimly lit and smells like gold. Every single detail of this bar and restaurant is imbued with elegance and sophistication. You can also see into the kitchen in the back where actual magic is being gracefully executed with a militaristic precision. Before you can pick your jaws up off of the floor, you find yourselves seated at a beautiful table in a small sea of other beautiful tables in the middle of the restaurant. You are surrounded on all sides by refined guests enjoying their meals and the ambiance of Fuddruckers.

find guests enjoying their meals and the ambiance of Fuddruckers. Thank you, Ori. That was the best ride of my life, I have to say. Well, I appreciate that, but I can do better in terms of rides that I give. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Yeah? Are you serious? What do you mean? What does that mean? Oh, I'm jotting it down. Oh my gosh. That's awesome. Just after he says that, you hear all the surrounding tables. Sounds like someone punched the underneath

of their tables and all the silver rattles. And that's the sound of everyone becoming engorged at their tables around the vicinity. That's disgusting. We can cut it. It's not disgusting if it's Oreo. Oh my gosh. Well, Oreo. And you know what the O stands for.

I think I have an idea. Outstanding partner. That's right. Chalice is just like sort of grabbing Beef's hands to like make sure Beef stops touching his hair at some point. Just sort of like gently being like, okay, Beef. All right. Well, this place is gorgeous.

Back to the door for me. We can't wait to eat. Do you want to give us some like how long have you guys been open? What's your deal? What's everything? I'll answer all your questions later. Maybe we can set up a time for us to get together at that moment the lights go dark in the place it goes dark you're in

somebody hold me oh my god the bottom up strangler is in here there's a strangler okay and then a single spotlight hits an empty stage that's inside the restaurant fog rolls out into the single spotlight can chalice reach over and hold beef's hand because she understands something pretty terrible is about to happen to his ego. Whoa. Fireflies begin to sparkle on the stage and then gently all flutter towards one another, spelling a name. Wagyu.

Wagyu. The single spotlight tilts up to reveal the beautiful halfling dressed exactly like Austin Powers in a crushed velvet suit. And you begin to hear him play. Oh, and everyone starts singing too. A-wim-ba-wah, a-wim-ba-wah, a-wim-ba-wah, a-wim-ba-wah, a-wim-ba-wah. Ooh, I hear there's a party today.

It sounds like I heard that there's a birthday party in the front row. No shit. The front row explodes. Ah, it's hers. It's a birthday party in the front row. No shit. The front row explodes. Ah, it's hers. It's her birthday. It's hers. Christine's. Christine, why don't you join me on stage?

You beautiful, beautiful woman. Christine's screaming. She hands her drink to her friend and she takes your hand and gets up on stage and she's looking at her friends and she's holding her face. She can't believe she's on stage. have you ever wanted a kiss on your birthday um are we about to kiss only if you want to consent is key um okay i'll kiss you oh my god i'm gonna kiss like you beef beef soft is that what what is this what is going on?

Chalice is wiping tears away from Beef's eyes. Oh my gosh, look, the entire front row has shirts that say that they're in the splash zone. The appropriately named splash zone. Oh my god. What is this? They came in on the perfect note. I can't do this. I can't do this. It's do this it's okay they're not hey

guys tell like sub chip this guy's not that good right the person they're not good a lot of people no no not not good at all and then there's a thud under my table uh right when you say they're not good, all of a sudden, Wagyu starts just destroying some licks on the guitar, on the lute. And it's just absolutely shredding. The dexterity of his fingers, no one's ever seen anything like this before. You're all just in awe. I mean, this is tough. I don't know any other word than this is tight.

It's just tight. Yeah, this is tight. There's no way. I never thought I'd be in my lifetime and see an artist this good. You guys, there's no way he can move his fingers that fast. Look. Look at my fingers. This is as fast.

They can move faster. Right, guys? Are you looking at my fingers? They're moving faster than his, right? I've never noticed how many of your fingernails are missing. Like, what happened? Okay, well, we don't need to look at that. We don't need to look at that.

And when are you going to start moving your fingers fast? I am. Oh, beef. I am. Oh, beef. Maybe it's so fast they look like they're barely moving. They're just waddling. Yeah, they're waddling.

Your fingers are waddling. The singer is walking by us. They're going to walkling. Yeah, they're waddling. Your fingers are waddling. The singer is walking by us. They're going to watch us. Hey! Any newcomers today? I hear that we got some... It's my birthday. We got a birthday over here.

And it is also my birthday. And it's also my birthday. Oh, this table. I'm Chris and it's my birthday. Wow, this table is filled with just beautiful creatures. What's your name in the big red? Hi, my name is Chris, and it's my birthday. I'm turning 18 years old.

Oh, not a day over 18. And you, you beautiful miss, what's your name? Oh, my name is Rudolph, and I'm a huge fan. Wow, you look so clean and normal. I never noticed that you had all your fingernails. It's the shampoo, and he does a twist and a twirl, and you guys just get hit with floral. I love that all your buttons are buttoned.

You know how long it takes me to get ready before every show, sweetheart? How long? 45 minutes. Wow. That's reasonable. That's great. And what's your name, worm boy?

I, um, porcelain. Porcelain doll. Are you sure about that? That's good. Yes. Ori makes the same face that he made earlier when you guys were all arguing about names and then keeps moving on. Well, welcome to Fuddruckers, where we like to Fudd your Rucker.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And he launches into the air. He's been harnessed this whole time. And he launches up above everybody else. And he sprinkles, sprinkles like beautiful sparkles on everybody. Wagyu's being taken by a hawk. Wagyu's taken by a hawk.

Somebody help him. No, porcelain, porcelain. Porcelain's part of the act. They actually have professional stunts here. Oh my god. Enjoy your meal and enjoy your night. Into the ceiling. I can't wait to order two drinks.

Beef, why aren't you clapping? I think I gotta go to the bathroom. I gotta go to the bathroom. Beef. I think I gotta go to the bathroom. I gotta go to the bathroom. Beef. Beef's about to get up,

but is stopped because the server is approaching the table. You recognize this server who's walked up to your table as Chardonnay Zinfandel, employee of the month for 26 times in a row, and all 26 pictures are framed in the hallway on the way into the Shred Wreckers. You immediately go, that's Chardonnay Zinfandel. Hi, new friends.

Are you ready to have a good time? Hello. My name is Chardonnay, and here are your drinks. I happen to take a little shot in the dark at what you may like, just based on who you are, the vibe I get from you. I hope that's not too intrusive. You called us friends. Are we actually friends already?

Yes, you're my friends already. You may know me. I used to be a princess, but with the full support of my family, I have decided financially and emotionally, they're supporting me in this choice, to come and see how the other half lives. Turns out I have a little bit of a knack for it.

I love working here with my three best friends who love me so much. Do you have any creepy siblings? I have one brother, and he's the best. Oh, no. Hey, you're the best, Chardonnay. That's my brother. He comes and stops by. He's so proud of me.

And hey, brother, our mom's still alive, isn't she? So alive. Full of life. Bursting with life. She's pregnant. A high five. Slap hands. Anyways, here's your drink.

For you, sir, and I assume your name is Chris. Oh, my God. It is. I got you a dark scotch with a little twist of a citrus. Just because you seem very dark and mysterious, but you got a little bit of brightness to you. Oh. I almost brought you a tall drink of water.

Huh? I'm flirting with you. I'm flirting with you. Oh. Oh, my God. She's so sunny. And for you, little elf, I got something I think you'll enjoy.

You look like you can really put back your liquor. So I brought you a shot of gasoline. Oh, this is honestly shard day, shardy. This is what I needed really bad. Thank you so much. I love your nickname. Oh, my God. I love you.

Oh, I love you. Wow. We have a friend that hates all the nicknames that we give her. What are some of those nicknames? Well, we tried Chally and Lice. She didn't like Lice. She didn't like Lice. I would have loved that nickname. It's so funny. Licey. We call her Licey. Oh, that's so good.

So anyways, and for you, handsome sir, in the I ate the worm T-shirt, I love it. I wish I had one for myself. Love your T-shirt. Oh, we have extras. We have extras. Yeah, here's a gift. Yeah, here's a gift actually for me. Oh, my God.

This is the sweetest thing I have ever. You know what? Let me tip you. I know it's customary for you to tip the way to that, but let me give you guys a tip because you just made my day. Unbelievable. I have never gotten a tip in my entire life when I've worked in the service industry. Legally, can you do that?

Yes, we can do whatever we want here. I got you a glass of cold, cold wine. You seem like you like cold wine with a little worm coming out of it. Just a little joke about your shirt. feel so seen my name is porcelain oh hi porcelain and uh i hope you enjoyed your drink the worm is edible it's a joke worm and for you i'm eating it are you um a little boy or oh no okay oh no i'm a human woman. This is Chalice.

No, I know. No, no, no. Oh, Chalice. That name is Chalice. Oh, no. Oh, whoops. I mean, no. I know a Chalice.

Then across the bar, you see Ori, who is at the front door, look over again, suspicious, and then continue on with his work. Oh, have you met Ori? Ori and I have a will-they-won't-they thing going on. We're in love. But we told each other right away because we're healthy with our feelings. Wow.

Oh. That's actually, I like that. Okay, cool. That's very healthy. Yeah, we just didn't like, I don't know, like spin around the truth for a while. We just got right to the point. But for you, with the red nose, I got you, had a really hard time figuring out what your deal was.

So I got you some tea that I just sort of left out for a while. Oh, weird. I don't really feel seen at all. I feel like cold tea that's not even iced is... That is so rude. I feel like we all kind of cater for each other. Don't be rude's not even iced is... That is so rude. Are you kidding me? That is so rude. Don't be rude.

Warm tea that's been sitting out for a while. You do that all the time at the bar. That is you. You are... That's pretty accurate. I can't believe how accurate that is. That's super accurate. That is the most insane one. So I'm the only one honest here consistently. That is the most insane one. So I'm the only one honest here consistently.

That is the most accurate one, okay? Seb, you know what? I would love to just get another drink. Sorry, I'm also dabbled in the service industry, and we let people order. I also think they can let you know I am favored to also get employee of the month at the end of the month. It's usually me.

It's usually my spot. Yeah, but you're never harnessed to something and you've never thrown glitter over the audience. Beef. Okay. Hey. Hey, Shardy. Yes. Am I interrupting something?

Should I come back? I don't know. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Please stay forever. Yeah, stay forever. And I was just wondering, I was just wondering, you're kind of in a will they, won't they with Ori, and I was wondering if you're in the current state of will they or if you're

in the current state of want they. I don't know, Powell. You tell me, wink. And then after she winks, you see that she was actually in a harness this whole time too. Enjoy your meals! Oh my god, the hawks are back. The hawks have taken so much from this town.

The hawks have taken everything from us. Goodbye! Oh god. She was the worst. There was something about her where I feel like I would have given her my firstborn for some reason. Okay. You know what, guys? She was real stinky.

Don't you agree that she was such a stinky person? Like smelly? And just then, after Chalice says she was stinky, we're going to have the manager and owner operator of the restaurant approach the table hearing about a slight complaint to address if there's something wrong with the service. So this person is, oh man, tall, handsome, sophisticated, and he's wearing a name tag that says Colin Firth. And he approaches the table and politely asks if there's anything going wrong.

Excuse me. Maybe it's that I'm a little bit sensitive because my wife's actually giving birth to our third child. We're together. We've never been separated. But I heard a eensy-beensy, eensy-bey eensy and just stop me if i'm wrong uh little complaints about one of our employees or the about your experience as a whole i would really just like to get to the bottom of that maybe offer you some awesome blossom and i pull it from behind me with magic and i just like put it in front and go, oh, here, I'll even dunk it.

So, you know, it's not poisonous. God, but it should be. Oh, wow. Sorry. I don't even remember what I was complaining about. You feel like slipping into a nice warm bath. You are so chill. Thank you so much.

I actually hear that from a lot of people because what you're seeing now is who I am with everyone because I'm a consistent confident and person who's just really has great self-esteem all right so uh and you own the place and you like run this and you're not yeah you run this uh this is one of four yeah I actually own four of these oh my god and they're all fun and they're successful yeah there's fudruckers there's uh budruckers Yeah, there's Fuddruckers, there's Budruckers, and then there's Cudcuckers and Sudsuckers. And Sudsuckers is actually a car wash. But yes, more or less, yeah.

With all the fun and games of Fuddruckers? Oh, absolutely. I mean, we have people that are washing their wagon three or four times a week, all right? It's fun. Do you ever need to scream in your office from stress? Do you ever just break a bunch of plates from the stress? Let's see. When I'm feeling a little stressed out,

I talk to my youngest. And my youngest goes, Daddy, you got a frown on your forehead. And I go, what do you mean? I go, your brow is making a frown and i go that's so sweet and then i give them 21 kisses we play uh we play a dragon and the kiddo uh where the kid um i kind of gets swallowed by me but then cuts itself out and it's just so cute and wonderful and before i know it you just

break a fork in half seb what are you doing you're so fucking stressed relax calm down he's right there he's what am i supposed to say okay i mean look at the poor guy three kids how are you breaking this medal under the table? What's your wife's name? My wife's name? Yeah, you said you were with her. What's her name? Her name is Vivian Jarjili Firth.

What a beautiful name. Yeah, I call her Viv. She sounds lovely. I call her Viv. And when we're in the bedroom, this is not too much uh i call her vivica no no explain yeah i just call her vivica and then we make sweet love and we talk about each and every crevice of our bodies and how really when we dream we're trading each other into each other's consciousness and how that is a beautiful beautiful story so oh wait how long has she been missing for she She's not.

I mean, from my site, about 20 minutes. And I'm kind of like, oh, I need to see her bountiful beauty or I'm going to get a frown on my forehead, if you know what I mean. Wow. Oh, from the story. Yeah, yeah. You guys are fun. I like you. And I'm not just saying that.

I get some of these little gargoyles coming in here. And I put on the smile. I give them just saying that. I get some of these little gargoyles coming in here, and I put on the smile. I give them the awesome blossom. And I'm actually going to do something else that's pretty nice for you. You know what that is? That's a second awesome blossom. And you know what? I'm going to take another piece just so I know it's not poison.

You know what I mean? This place is awesome. You know, we do run our own. No, we don't. We run don't run we run we run we're runners we're runners we're runners uh long distance is short that's awesome yeah yeah i actually hold the county record for fun run so that's uh i'm surprised that i haven't seen you around in the local circuit oh for the fun part or the run part? The run part. Oh, okay.

I didn't know what the record was for. We kind of do it internationally. We're an international run group. Interesting. Yeah. Thank you for having us at your establishment. Oh, I got something in my ear. Ah, ah, ah. It is a free drink coupon for each and every

one of you all right well i'm not gonna take up any more thank you let's go ahead and do a little cheers i'm gonna do one of these oh there's champagne in my hand in all of your guys's hand isn't that magic it's an easy trick i'll show you some time magic really pisses me off trick i'll show you some time magic really pisses me off and yours is gone all right cool that's awesome and look look look you have a glass of water so you just cheers with that it's bad luck but hey i won't sue you uh let's all cheers all right to new friends and to new customers and he's on a harness and he soars through the air and everyone goes nuts. There's no Hawks. This is just me.

It's all on purpose. I look over to see if or Ori has a harness on him. I try and inspect very closely. Can you roll? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Minus one is my perception.

Eleven. Cool. You can tell that there is some sort of lump on the back, like under his suit coat, that it probably is a harness. Man, that's not a harness. He's just got a lumpy back. He's weird. I don't know, you guys. I'm getting a bad feeling about this place.

I don't like it. First off, I hate magic because it's always a lie. It's always an illusion. So something's happening here. Some kind of weird illusion yeah i agree everyone is great except for that waitress yeah we all know for me it was kind of i actually for me it was kind of like once i got once i got into the door i was like it was a 10 this place is a 10 i think after the show after the bad show we saw i enjoy the food and the drink but boy oh boy performance is kind of lackluster right guys no the performance is really good i think where i don't even know what bad show you're talking about huh yeah i think where i draw

the line is where this guy was like flaunting that he's happily married he has three children um multiple businesses because he's just reinvesting. Yeah, he kind of was just like a good guy. Oh, my gosh. Overbearing. Who needs two awesome blossoms? All right. And that thing about poison?

What? Do people get poisoned here before? Why would he even say that? Just when you said that, Chip's head hits the table. He's unconscious. Oh, it's not time to fall asleep, buddy. Buddy, this isn't a time to take a snooze chalice's head hits the table unconscious chalice guys not nap time now not that time ever

seb falls backwards unconscious okay okay jokes jokes or he walks or he walks up to the table looks like someone has had a little too much to drink. Oh, yeah, I guess so. This is pretty weird. Did you have the champagne? No, I had Wawa. Knocks beef unconscious. Perfect.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash sitcom D&D. All of you come to, you don't know what time it is, you don't know how much time has passed, but you are in a seedy, unfinished basement with a single light bulb swinging back and forth. A light bulb? Yeah, it's a magic light bulb. It has a candle in it? You're right. It's a single swinging ball of glass with a little candle in it. Okay, good.

But you can pull a metal chain and the candle will be extinguished. You know that to be true. Okay. And then out of the darkness, now, Ben, I'll just fill you in here. You see like a glow of a cigarette and then I just throw it to the ground and gently just kind of stamp it out. And then I go, you guys should have just rolled over and died like I wanted you to. You should have succumbed to our power and the marketplace and my stranglehold on said marketplace. But you couldn't do that. No, no. I'm going to go up to Chip.

I'm going to slap his face a little bit and go, no. Say no. Say no. I don't know what you're talking about. Say no. I'm Chris and I don't know what you mean. Say no. They know who we are now.

Rip off your red hat and I go, I know who you are, Chip. Chalice. Oh yeah, I knew I was Chip. Chip, did you just gasp for yourself? I was surprised I was Chip for a second. Wow, you were really in character. I was really lost. I was really lost in the character. Oh, brother. Listen to me!

Sorry. Yeah, we're sorry. We're sorry. I'm expanding. And the only way that I can have my second location and my parking structure for that is if I destroy your pathetic, wallowing, rat-infested place. This is mercy. Do you realize that? Mercy. Hey, those rats are employed.

Thank you, Beef. They are not infested. They are workers. Jennifer go back to work when she just was trying to help. Oh, you like rats, Beef? Well, what about this? And I snap my finger and with magic, there is a rat in Beef's mouth right now. Spit it out, Beef! No, don't. Beef, don't eat it. Or swallow it. Beef, don't eat it. Don't swallow it. Okay, just pick one.

Oh, I swallowed it. Oh, Beef. Oh, Beef. You didn't even chew. It's alive. Oh, I hate magic. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I would love to see a bonus episode of that rat trying to get out of beef.

It's inside of me. Or not. Trying to get out and just living in beef. We'll see. Hosting a small talk show. Stay tuned. Large intestine. Stay tuned. Inviting all the other rats that work at bottoms up. It'll be a whole spin off, everybody.

Yeah, if I can get more rats in there then we could have the view all right so Colin's gonna cut his hand and then he's going to put the blood

all over Seb's face and he goes this is mercy you see this blood this is the blood of a winner of a business owner

can you smell the iron in my veins you don't have any minute part of that and that is why you're gonna take this quill and you're gonna sign this deed to me mr colin tucker firth all right And then he comes down in a harness. A bunch of rats run in and start making Wagyu a dress. Yes, yeah. Keep going, rats. You're doing a good job.

Sir, the deed you requested. You're perfect at your job and you never let me down. Give me a kiss on the mouth. Ew, they kiss each other on the mouth. It's not weird. We're friends. It's weird. It's not weird. How the frick did you get that deed?

Is that the deed to Bottoms Up? Is that our deed? That looks like our deed. Oh yeah, look, it's the drawing we did of the four of us on the back. It's so cute that we did that. Idiots, shut up. You're going to sign this over to me because I'm a winner, all right? I want you to watch yourselves as you give to me a real business owner.

My fifth location. And what if we don't? Yeah, what if we don't? What if we don't? Huh? And then Ori, he comes down from the ceiling also in his harness, and he's wearing an executioner mask with a big axe.

I think that goes without saying. His is just, he's just getting lowered. He's just standing normally, just he's just getting lowered he's just standing normally and he's getting lowered he doesn't look he doesn't look floaty at all but it's so cool yeah now there is a deus ex machina that i have planted in this and i want to see if you guys can figure out what it is to get out of this situation or to get help. Guys, we're fine. At least if that waitress doesn't show up, we'll be great. What a thing. What a thing to say right now.

Chardonnay, Zinfandel also lowers from the ceiling. She's got a dagger out and an executioner mask on as well. How were your drinks? Really good. How good? Really good, actually. No, they weren't good. They poisoned us i

love to hear it oh fuck so you guys can tell that these these ropes that you're tied to these chairs back to back you can't get out of them you can feel that you've struggled against them you know you can't get out of them they are stronger and better than you guys in every way. You just need to escape. No, they're not. They suck. They freaking suck. We turn on the DM. No. No. They suck.

A little overbearing. They're an overbearing version. Yeah, they're pretty much. They got a couple of better props than us. What you need is some help to escape. How can you do that? We need to get Jennifer. We need to get Jennifer. We got to get Jennifer need to get jennifer we need to get we gotta get jennifer do one of us how would you do we have one do one of us have like the rock in our pockets

yes who did you give that to i think it was you oh to me yeah i may have thrown that away what what what what your about... Check your pockets. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thank you. No, we're not complimenting your pockets. Why would we compliment your pockets? We're not complimenting... We can't talk louder.

They're literally right there. Check your pockets. Wait, what do you guys like about my pockets? That's weird. Nothing. Nothing. The contents. Nothing.

Think about the contents. The contents of my pockets. Okay, will it help? Let's do a little flashback. Hi, I'm Jennifer. I'm the rat. And I got a rock that will do this thing if you rub it. You like that?

Chip, use that rock. Now that beefed in the Jennifer voice, do you understand what we're talking about? Oh, my God. Yeah. now that beef to the jennifer voice do you understand what we're talking about oh my god yeah the my pockets i i can i reach into my pocket or my hand side yeah your your hands are tied next to your pockets okay okay i get in there oh and i get in there and i say and i look ori in the eye and i say too bad we had a freaking plan that we all knew about this whole time. Backup plan, plan B. And I rub the rock. Before you rub the rock, do we want to prove Jennifer right? Oh, shit.

Or would we rather die? You're right. Let's just think that. You're right. Let's just try and get out of this. And I start shaking the chair around. I try doing anything else first. We're all rocking back and forth.

I just rock around in my chair, see if I can do anything else first. Fuck it. I'm too tired. Rub the rock. Didn't work. Nothing happened. So nothing happened. No one's coming for you said and that's the end

of the episode and that's it guys we'll call it there nothing happened that's it okay no no nothing happens for a second and then a distant rumbling. What is going on? I know what that is. And first grade. Oh, no. And from every corner of this basement flies in hundreds of rats. The horde, the entire kitchen staff, hundreds and hundreds of rats are filling up in this basement. It is bedlam.

And they start gnawing at the rope that has tied you to the chairs. And within moments, y'all are free. And Jennifer is there. She goes, Anything you guys like to say to me? You're late. What took you so long?

A rat is never late. She arrives precisely when she means to. This constitutes your union-mandated break. All right, that's all I got to say. Nor is never late. She arrives precisely when she needs to. This constitutes your union-mandated break. All right, that's all I got to say. Nor is she early. Okay, run! And so then, now I'll have all of you guys be the villainous parts of you trying to stop yourselves from escaping while rats crawl.

Rats are crawling all over Zinfandel and Ori and Wagyu and Colin. And as our heroes, as the gang makes a break for it. Chardonnay is going to, she's holding a knife and she's going to try to throw it to stop Beef and like kind of pin his clothes to the wall. Sweet. Want to roll for it? 15. Cool.

So the dagger does go and pin Beef to the wall. Guys! Guys, I'm stuck! Guys! Take off your clothes! Oh, man. Yeah, we're running. Guys!

I look back and I go, oh, no. No, no, guys. I keep going. Beef, your shirt has one button on. Undo the button. But I really like this shirt. This is my Saturday shirt. If we have so many extra shirts about worms.

Okay. Ori just kind of like looks at the rats and leans up against the wall and he looks so cool. And he just looks down. He's like, oh, rats. He doesn't even fight. Whoa. He's so chill. He's so chill.

He's so chill. You all notice that the harnesses that everyone used to get down there are still hanging and available. There's just no people in them, so you can use them as a route to escape. Grab the harnesses! Grab the harnesses! Okay, we haven't been properly

safety trained in them. Do you think we'll be okay? Lice, enough! Okay, come on, Lice. You're being a real... Come on, Lice. I don't like my nickname. How hard could it be? Here we go. I put my little feet in the harness.

Yeah, I put the harness around my neck and I go, it's fine, let's go. Beef's wearing his as a diaper and Chip has his around his neck. Chardonnay has a bow and arrow behind her. And she picks it up and she tries to shoot the light bulb with the candle in it through all of their ropes to set them on fire.

Cool. Want to roll for it? I'm going to roll for that. So it was a successful roll. So an arrow flies through the air air hits the candle that's in the glass ball but carries the candle on the arrow and as it passes all the harness ropes it is intact long enough that it lights each of the harness ropes as you guys pull on them oh we look but i'm rolling for the integrity of the ropes.

And it'll hold. The ropes are going to hold as they launch you up through the darkness. And you end up back into Fuddruckers. And it's like a record scratch. All the fine, fancy people who were dining there are now looking at you surprised that you're there. Okay, I go, Oh no, there's a bunch of rats in this place rats and i

will punch uh beef so hard in the stomach that that rat comes out of beef's mouth and onto the ground so now all that bonus content we were going to record happened in that time inside of beef yeah it's like a dream. Yeah. I mean, we can make it to like that rat at the very, it runs around and then it goes straight back into beef. Well, it's kind of like eating spiders, right? You eat three rats. Three rats crawl into your mouth every yearly while you're asleep.

And after Chip yells, there's rats here. Jennifer leans against Chip's head and goes Chip yells, there's rats here, Jennifer leans against Chip's head and goes, yeah, there's a rat here. Right, guys? Yeah, no, I'm trying to... Guys, be intimidating. Make everybody leave this place. They all start punching their little fists again.

Let's get out of here, Vivica. Here's my goodness. Let's all go. Oh my gosh. Yes, my goodness. Let's all of us go. Oh, my God. Yes, we must leave the rats. And the place starts to empty out in somewhat of a panic. And you guys are swept along with the rush outside of Fuddruckers and follow the masses all the way into the front of Bottoms Up. We try and usher them inside.

Okay. And as we usher them inside and as we're ushering them. Oh, this is another establishment. I am still hungry. Yes, that's right. We got plenty of food. Plenty of food, drink.

Come on in. I hope you like grits-based cuisine. Guys, we funneled so many people in. This is awesome. We have a line. We have a wait. Then you might want to use these. Guys, we funneled so many people in. This is awesome. We have a line. We have a wait. Then you might want to use these. Thanks, Jennifer. Jennifer hands over the two of these. Thanks, gents.

Chalice quickly draws a picture of Jennifer and then puts her up over the employee of the month plaque that's there and then strings it up. Oh. That's so sweet.

Oh, cheese, you guys. Cheese. Cheese. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song and I did the editing on this one. I did it. Did the other day.

I got this one. Thanks so much for listening to stay up to date on the show. You can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D and D that sitcom and letters D and D. If you enjoyed our first seven episodes, can you believe we're already seven in crazy and you are hungry for more, want more episodes in? Crazy. And you are hungry for more, want more Eppies in the tummy? You can head to our Patreon at

patreon.com slash sitcom D&D where we will be releasing a bonus episode every week. Come on, jump on the Patreon. It's a lot of fun. You can get to know us a little bit better as non-magical creatures. You know what? We are magical creatures. Get to know us even better on the Patreon.

We're having a ton of fun over there. So if any of that Patreon stuff sounds interesting to you, head over to patreon.com. Patreon is the fuel that this show runs on. It's what makes it all possible. So if you like it, consider joining. If you can't help us financially, you can still help us out a ton by rating the show and subscribing wherever you get podcasts or by recommending the show to a friend who likes weird shit i think that's it for now until next week and thanks as always for listening that was a hate gun podcast