SitcomD&D - S1 E8: Bone Night Stand

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Beef, Seb, and Chip all try to lend a hand when Chalice looks to partake in some casual philandering. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Coyle Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. no it is gross you look like you could palm a basketball and for all you perverts at home we're showing how far we can spread our hands fingers yeah we're not spreading our hands apart uh we're not saying how big of a fish we caught uh we're showing our fingers and how spread out they are and oh man this is why you got to pay for the premium subscription where you can watch our videos which isn't a thing that'll never happen all right y'all uh let's get into it so last episode you guys checked out the bar across the street fudruckers because they were trying to kill you. And you barely escaped with your lives, but you did escape and you didn't turn the deed over

of Bottoms Up to them. So overall, I'll take it as a win. So we're going to pick up with Chalice on a very challenging shift. And as anybody knows who's worked in the service industry, shift and as anybody knows who's worked in the service industry it's tough man some days are just tough so we're gonna start at bottoms up chalice you are on the shift from hell uh lights up lights up hold on hold on oh you're right you're right okay give me a break yeah we have tradition what's going on here it's like having your parents forget Christmas. Okay, quiet on set. Dad, it's Christmas. Quiet on set.

Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! From this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends.

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Um, Seb? Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, but make it six words. Okay. Is this blood or sauce? Face. On my face. Oh, okay. Well, hmm. Okay, I almost licked it, but that's not going to work. All right, I'll lick it.

Okay, yeah, you lick it. You know what? Table two needs a haircut. Band-aid. That can't be right. That's my blood, and I'd like a band-aid. Okay, table two needs a band-aid. That's my blood. And I'd like a bandaid. Okay, table two needs a bandaid. Table three needs beers. Table four needs bears.

They're all bee things, Seb. Dang. Everything I'm wearing is backwards. Dang. Dang, dang, dang. I need a haircut. Blood, beers, baguettes? Table four needs baguettes. Baguettes table four needs baguettes baguettes chalice your chalice your nose your nose it's bleeding my nose well then i need a band-aid too are you okay and i wasn't your eyes are kind

of like wonky right now crying Crying. They're crying beef. Oh. Yeah. That's what crying is. Now, what goes in a Band-Aid? I'm not sure how to make a Band-Aid. Oh, it's really easy. I think it's half water. Half water, half vodka.

It's half water, then you boil it. Hold on. Jennifer is usually the one that makes these. I'm just going to go back. All right. I'm walking. I'm walking. can i just lean against the bar for a second i just need like a little break i just need a break oh no that's the i haven't fixed that part oh god it's painted and broken no there's paint all over my clothes oh my god you're supposed to put up a sign i it's not paint first fix second i'll know i'll know better next time also the sign store is very very busy they're like the most popular store in town so it's a long wait

hey guys this is true i whipped up there you are jennifer yeah i went to the back looking for you what are you doing you watch right past me you never make eye contact with me okay let's not go all right if you want to if you want to have a managerial talk with me don't do it in front of other employees all right i don't want to be that boss right now but like there's a time and a place all right here's a band-aid chalice are you okay uh you know what i'm not too proud i'm not okay. Now that I'm covered in paint and my hair is unbrushed and there's blood on me, it's my blood, it's other people's blood. I used to look glamorous every day. I used to feel sexy and cool. And like I had like agency and I was doing what I wanted, like physically with myself.

And now I look like a pile of rats. No offense, Jennifer. None taken. I feel, I just don't feel like myself and I just want to feel good again. I haven't had a kiss in, I don't know, two years. Whoa. Jennifer, please don't kiss my ankle. That was sweet, but it's alarming. How are you doing?

You guys are all leaning super unnaturally against the bar. You look nice today. Yeah, you look. Yeah, you look. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie to her. All right. Table five just reported to me that one of her fingernails fell into

an ale of flygourd. Oh my god. Seb? What? She said chip. You appreciate my honesty, right?

See? Did you see how she's talking? That's her appreciation. I feel like you're making it worse. I'm trying not to be superficial. But do you guys think I'm pretty? Right now? Or in general? I'm just trying to, in general, yeah.

That's it. And then Chalice scrunches up her apron and throws it on the ground. And then says, that's it. I want to get laid. What? Whoa. Jennifer. Jennifer.

Jennifer. It's really cute that you're kissing my ankle, but it's just like it's so ticklish that it makes me want to kick you. And I don't want to kick you again. Gotcha. Yeah, okay. I get it. Oh, you want to get laid. Are you sure?

You guys are leaning even harder against the bar. You look super unnatural. Why is everyone standing so weird? We're just leaning harder because it's slumping. It's really in disrepair. I said I'll fix it. Okay. Just wait for the paint to dry.

If you wait until the paint dries, I'll fix it after, okay? Now, when was the last time you got boned? Are you asking me or her? I know when the last time you got boned was. It was about the day your wife went missing. Oh, still sleeping with your wife. Why are you laughing, Tim? Still sleeping with your wife the night before she went missing nice sounds like

you guys had sex every night nice yeah okay yeah um she uh kissed me gently on the head and said this is the last time and I said why do you always say that and um that that

time it was so anyways we don't even need to go there. All right. All right. Let's turn this back to Chalice. So you want to get laid. Yeah, Chalice. Chalice.

Yeah. You know what? You want to, huh? Yeah. And here's the thing. It's like, I don't want to. I'm not like trying to find someone to date. I want like a no strings attached situation.

I want there to be a situation where I can have sex with someone and then there's a mutual agreement and consent that that will just be that and that will be it and there's nothing that exists like that you're talking about one night stand you have to get married what? you're talking about one night stand what? yeah I was going to say contract law

but yeah one night stand yeah I was going to say sex parade 24 hour sex parade but that too yeah yeah one night stand beef i know i keep telling you this but you have to write a book beef i'm so tired of having to say this to you over and over again write this stuff down i will read it i'll start writing when i can start reading i've said that i've said that. I've said that multiple times to you guys. Someone has to sit me down and give me a reading lesson. Hey, Chalice, you see any viable options around here?

Whoa, hold up. She doesn't even know what a one-night stand is. Let me get up on this table and make eye contact with you guys. Customers don't like to see you up here, so just make it quick. Put a hat on me or something. I don't know. All right. I put a little fedora from our lost and found bucket on top of you.

Oh, shit. I'm about to get laid. This looks awesome. No, you're really, really not. You're really not. Okay, Chaz. You do know that what you just described is a one-night stand, correct? Huh, a one-night stand.

Sounds interesting. And then Chels leans up against the bar and gets the other side of her covered in paint. Dang it! Chip! I will fix it. I'll fix it. Okay, while you're trying to get laid by somebody else, I'll fix it. Yeah, Chip actually has a great one night stand story.

Yeah, Chip. Chip, maybe you should tell your one night stand story to Chalice. Give her an idea. Which one? Oh. Oh, nice. I'll tell the good one. I'll tell the good one.

Oh, man. So I was over at Fuddruckers and not not cool all right they have good chicken wings what do you want me to do you do not even remember what happened you know what let's not even go there i don't even want to talk about it okay so we're over so we're over at fudruckers okay and it's me and beef beef with her too give me a break man and this wingmanning the shit out of me. And by wingman, I mean both getting me laid and also getting me some frickin' wings in my tum. That's the kind of way I roll as a wingman.

And I start hitting on this pretty lady, okay? I start hitting on her. And then all of a sudden, her friend starts to be like, what the heck are you doing? You know, to her flirting with me. Because, you know, people know I kind of get around here. Turns out that her friend was her second head. This lady had two heads. Unbelievable, right?

Yeah, I don't really believe it. Yeah, what is wrong with the wings here? That's what i'm getting from this story so far but uh we didn't have sex or anything but uh pretty funny right so that was mostly just a story about how you met someone with two heads not a one-night stand yeah but if that was the story and none of we had sex that's a good one-night stand you should have seen this two-headed woman and if you saw her you would have known that it was a it was a one night stand. I guess that if there were a second half to that story, it would be a great story.

But there wasn't a second half to that story. Chief, have you ever had a one night stand? Yeah. I have. Private matter. Where are you going? I have private matter. Beef, where are you going?

I think I need to go check to make sure something's under my bed. I gotta go. Huh. Beef just left. Feb? Well, it's actually funny that you might say that, but when I met my wife, she goes, this is going to be a one night stand. And I said, OK.

And I still managed to court her. And every day, even on our wedding day, she's like, let's just see. Let's just get through tonight. And it was just let's get through tonight. Let's get through tonight. Let's get through tonight. And then one day she. Yeah, you're backing up.

Went missing. Seb, your eyes are wonky. He's crying. He's crying. I'm just going to go do some double dutch with the rats. It's going to be fun. Okay. Why was Seb's eyes so wonky?

What'd I miss? I take a picture off the wall, and then I just like punch through it, and then I just hula hoop it off the wall, and then I just, like, punch through it. And then I just hula hoop it on my arm, and then I bust into the kitchen. I didn't realize that one-night stands would be such an interesting question to ask. Yeah, so those are some examples of one-night stands. Okay, well, can I tell you guys a secret? Those are all three solid examples of one-night stands.

We don't need to give Chellis advice. I'm sure she knows how to go through with a one-night stand. She's a former princess. I need to tell you guys three solid examples of one night stands we don't need to give we don't need to give chelis advice i'm sure she knows how to go through with the one night stand she's a former princess i need to tell you guys this uh-oh yeah what is it tell us tell us tell us okay i love secrets so this may come as a surprise to no sense i'm good at most things but when i try to flirt and i try to get close with someone i absolutely blow it see here i'm gonna walk over to this guy and i'm gonna show you i'm gonna try well you can practice on me if you want to you can practice on me if you want to she's already walked away you can practice on me if you want to the doors to the kitchen are like swinging back and forth and every time it like swings a little She's already walked away, Chip. You can practice on me if you want to.

The doors to the kitchen are like swinging back and forth. And every time it like swings a little bit open, you can just hear me reciting my mantra. It's like, I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me. And then I come out and my eyes still look pretty fucking wonky. And you can see that I've definitely ripped out a quarter of my eyebrows. And I go, let's go.

As Chalice walks away, Jennifer just nudges Beef and goes, It makes so much sense. Of course she's terrible at flirting. That's why I could never tell when she was flirting with me. Makes so much sense. Jennifer, you're... You're gay? Yeah, or whatever. I don't know. I so much sense. Jennifer, you're... You're gay? Yeah, or whatever. I don't know. I just

like everything. Good for you. Cool. Good for you. Thanks. Why have we never sucked or fucked or whatever? Whoa. And so Chalice, in that moment, gets everyone's attention and points to herself like, guys, look how bad.

And she goes and she leans up to a guy who's at the very end of the bar. And she goes, hey, baby, do you ever wish that you could see your skeleton? But you know that would mean that you were dead and you'll never get to see your own skeleton. But sometimes you're curious as to what your skeleton looks like. Yeah, I still need that bandaid. I don't know. Oh, so I'll take that as a yes oh sorry sir we got a waitress in training here come uh come here chalice come here

can i actually request a new server this one's freaking me out to be honest sure sure sure yeah we'll get you a new server chalice don't worry i got this my case Yeah, we'll get you a new server. Don't worry, I got this, guys. I rest my case. Hello, sir. Have you seen this woman? She went missing about three and a half years ago. She's my wife.

And I'm kidding. I'm having a hard day, too. Okay, is this one of those places like Add to Vavix where they're supposed to mess with you? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I fucking got you. All right. I'm going to stomp on your balls. I'm going to stomp on your balls. Chalice, I didn't want to have to say this, but I really think we're going to have to put you through a little bit of a boot camp here. What I just saw you do was absolutely horrific. Yeah, I'm willing to learn and I'm willing to grow. Okay, well then, shape

up or ship out. First things first, balance this book on your head. I've done a lot of etiquette classes. You think this is my first book balance? I don't think so. Okay, I'm in over my head. You guys take over. Alright, I think between the three of us, we can come up with something.

All right. All right, everybody out. I was married. Everybody out. What? No. Get up. Get up.

Everybody out. Everybody, find the exit. We're one of those Jeb-jeb-jeb-jebics places. Jeb-jeb-jebics. So, like, have the people in Bottoms Up are standing up, looking around to see if there's an emergency. They're very confused. We're just kidding. I'll stomp on

your balls. I'm joking. I'm joking. It's just one of those places. Stop, Beef. They don't have to leave for this. I think we gotta shut down the whole bar. We got a whole mission today. Then who will we flirt with?

Each other. Best friend flirts are the best kind of flirts. They're safe. They're comfortable. They're secure. That's theory. We'll flirt with each other. I agree.

Beef, do you ever wish you could see your skeleton, but you know that's not possible because you need to be dead to see your own skeleton? Let her practice on other people. That is alarming. Let her practice on other people, please. I don't want to hear hear that but don't you kind of wish you could see your skeleton what does it look like okay how about we try a different line i don't have any off the top of my head but you ever wish you could see your bones but you know they something would be horribly wrong if you saw him. Bones is good. Start with bones. That's okay. Bones. Say like,

I bet you have great bones. That's a compliment. That's advice. Yes, you gotta compliment the second party. Hiya, mister. I think you probably got great bones. I'd love to see them without your skin and muscle. Okay.

Why are you so quiet? i mean because i don't well i don't want to shut it down i i think we need to get away from the skeleton no no no no no i'm right no my way is the right way what's your way beef okay what do you how are you gonna get chalice laid well first off she will walk up to the right person that she picks and will say, did it hurt? And they'll say, what hurt? And you say, when you fell from the sky onto the ground. See, you're going shallow.

You're going pick a blinds. My way is the best way, and it's pure emotional connection. It was just so slow. I'm talking connection with somebody. Looking their eyes, digging deep into their soul, and connecting with them. You think I'm betting people left and right because of these shallow pickup lines? Uh-uh. I've never seen anyone in your bed.

Well, tune into episode one. There were a couple. All right. I wasn't there for that, though, was I? I room with him. It does happen sometimes. I've been a little distracted since you arrived for some reason. Yeah, you have had a little bit of a dry spell.

All you have is that story where you met a two-headed person. I will say that story is the closest to a one-night stand out of the three stories we've heard. I told you about how my about my wife okay all right yeah listen to me i've been married okay but i've had a successful relationship i've at least i have a piece of evidence a warrant to my claim that i can help chalice cross the finish line get that that honey, honey sex. Well, okay. So clearly everybody has different ideas about how to get Chalice laid. We're not going to do it together.

Well, okay. Then let's just one at a time. Let's take Chalice under our wing and we'll see who gets Chalice laid. Okay. Chalice. And a bet. And a bet. And a bet.

Okay. Yeah. Let's do a bet. Let's do a bet. And let's do a bet. Oh my God. I already owe so much cheese to the sous chef. Okay, yeah, let's do a bet. Let's do a bet. And let's do a bet. Oh, my God. I already owe so much cheese to the sous chef. Okay.

Yeah, Jennifer, you have a gambling problem, but that'll be another day, okay? Yeah, that's another episode. Yeah, that's for sure another episode. Whoever gets Chalice laid owes the other guy two wheels of cheese. Holy shit, I'm ruined. I got to win this. Does that seem fair to you, Chal I'm ruined. I gotta win this. Does that seem fair to you, Chels? Yeah, let's do this.

And if I get myself laid... Oh, there you go. You all owe me two wheels of cheese. Each? Three from Jennifer. Oh, fuck, I'm ruined. All right, let's get started. Okay, Chels, you're starting with me.

You're starting with Jenny Baby, okay? I'm going to get you freaking laid. First things first, is there a certain type of person or type that you have? I really like people who are about an inch shorter than me, sort of like a dad bod, kind of rough around the edges. Oh, my God. Say no more. Friends to lovers.

Enemies to friends to lovers. Oh, my God. Say no more. Follow me. Follow me. Come here. Okay. Okay.

Do you have my hand? Yeah, Jennifer, I can't fit into your doors, though. You understand that I can't follow you. No. Come on. Just follow me. We're going to the kitchen. We have to use the human door, Jennifer.

I cannot go through your door. I can't open it. I can to use the human door, Jennifer. I cannot go through the door. I can't open it. I can't open the human door. Okay, Jennifer, I'll open it. I'll open it. God, you yell at me so much. Okay. Here we go.

Into the kitchen. Okay. So, if I recall correctly, you just said you like people who are a couple inches tall and very rough and furry around the edges. And so... All right, Jennifer, I'm going to cut this off at the legs and I'm going to go

and start working with the boys. Line up, boys. Okay, there's all the big rats are lining up. Oh, she's leaving. No, no, I don't want to sleep with a rat. I'm sorry, Jennifer. I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm ruined. Okay, guys, Jennifer was awash, obviously. She immediately tried to have sex with me. As soon as we saw her trying to guide your arm through the little rat hole, we knew this just wasn't it. Yeah, that kind of hurt. Ah, okay.

Who's next? You're covered in straw from the floor. Beef, why don't you go? I'm not ready yet. Yeah, Beef, you go. Yeah, Beef, why don't you go? Thank God Beef is always ready. Come on, Chalice.

Let's go down to a little quieter spot. Okay, Beef, I can't fit through your door, Beef. You have to take me through the big door. I can't fit through your door. Ow! I don't want to open the normal door. Okay, Beef, I will open the door. Okay, thank you.

We go down to the basement where my room is. If you'd like to take a seat. If you'd like to take a seat. if you'd like to take a seat yeah this is awesome i never really i haven't been in your dressing room yet i know i've been in your room room but i haven't been in your nobody goes into my dressing room well i'm in here now i'm in here now and it's an honor whoops please take a seat anywhere you'd like okay just not there um about here and maybe not there maybe uh sit on the couch but don't move the napkin okay sit on the other side of the napkin please okay is this part of it is this part of the test? Well, it could be, but it's not.

Okay. All right, Beep, I'm ready to learn. You have more natural charisma than anyone I know, so teach me your ways. Okay, I sit down. So the first thing you got to know is respect. Respect. R-E-S- R-E-S. P-E-E-C. Okay, you know what, B?

Now's as good a time as any to teach you how to read. No, no, this isn't about me. This is about you, Tess. I'm going to write the alphabet out on the ground, and we're going to go letter by letter, okay? No, I don't want to right now. I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. Okay. I haven't eaten lunch. Here's an apple. All right. Fine. A. B. B.

C. E. You know it. E. D. E. Uh-huh. I'm pointing to the letters.

E. E. We cut to four hours later. All right. Now, what does this word say, B? Cut. What? Cut.

Cat. Cut. Cat. Yeah, you're kind of getting it. And now what's this? Cut. Dog. Dog.

Yeah. I mean, let's do some deductive reasoning here. If it sort of sounds like a word you know, then it's probably that word. Hey, sorry. I was just looking for the bathroom. This is not the bathroom. Oh, hi. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, M, E.

P, Q, R, T, Y-X-V-Y-C. I'm just teaching this man how to read. Are you into that? Damn it! Beef, I can't do this. I learned nothing. Hey, look at me. Look me in the eyes.

Hi. Look at me right now. I'm looking here. I have my hands cradled on either side of her cheeks. And Chalice has had to lift him up at the waist to get him to be eyelined. Lift me up. Lift me up. Lift me up a little. Okay. You are strong. I am strong.

You are capable. I am capable. And you are ready to lay some ass down. And I am ready to lay some ass down. Say it with more confidence, girly. Girly. Come on, girly. Girly. Come on, girly. Let's go. Chop, chop.

Where's the confidence, honey? I'm ready. He slaps her across the face. Ow! Beef! Ow! Fuck! Beef! Ow! Okay. I'm ready to lay someone down. Yeah. She grabs the scruff of her collar. It's a tough cruel world out there. I'm ready to lay someone down. Yeah, she grabs the scruff of her collar.

It's a tough, tough world out there, sweetheart. You're gonna have to play a game that is scary and hard and has no rules. All right, give me some pickup lines. I'm ready, I'm ready. Okay, okay. Where are those pants from? Where are those pants from? Kohl's?

Nice. Great, good one. Give me more, give me more. I'm ready do you have a a husband waiting for you at home do you have a husband waiting for you at home nice good good how about on the weekends i'll have what she's having on the weekends i'll have what she's having and do you ever wish that you could see your skeleton you just want to see your bones but you don't want to be dead to see him see i don't know what the guys were talking about i think that's a pretty good pickup line you talk about the bones that's what i'm saying i feel like they don't get it they don't really don't get it but uh most important

thing don't wear uh make sure you wear protection. Okay. I can do that. Great advice, Beef. Yeah, you don't really know what could happen without protection. You know, some things could happen to you that are irreversible. But anyway. Did someone's vagina put a curse on you, Beef? No. Okay, well, that's an episode for another day.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this time with me. I actually really enjoyed my time with you. And I think you're ready. Thanks, Beef. I think you're ready to get out there. Oh my gosh, Beef, thank you. She places him down and pats the top of his head twice.

You deserve love, Chalice. Like we all do. I deserve getting laid. High five. She's ready. Chalice walks back out into Bottoms Up. You survey the scene,

and there's a bunch of different tables with a bunch of different bachelors there. What do you want to do? She sits down at one of the tables and she puts her arms around one of the guys um and she like stares at him for a second and goes do you have someone waiting for you at home is there anyone that would miss you if you didn't go home oh my god my god is this a threat? No, I'm just saying like, do you have a wife or

husband or anything at home? Someone who would maybe miss you if you didn't show up? He's giving me thumbs up. Nice. I'm doing a good job. You're doing a great job. You're scaring me. I'm frightened by you. No, I'd be you'd be scared of me if I was saying stuff like

do you ever wish you could see your skeleton? Because I can help you with that. You can help me see my skeleton? This is a threat. I am frightened. Help me. Oh, okay. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. Beef, that's a big fat L. All right. You took a dookie on this one. Did not work.

You taught her how to threaten people. And you know what? Check this this out i learned this from someone ah there's something in my ear it might be some sort of earwig no it is boom 10 off your next cocktail all right you can use that not tonight um on your next visit all right so but it was. Isn't that what the guy from Fodruckers did? Shut up. Don't. Yes, they do this at Fodruckers, but like better. But okay.

Thank you. Yeah. All right. All right. Also, is there one that I could get that wasn't just in your head? No, I don't know how to do it otherwise. So I'm sorry if it's that warm okay okay yeah well it's sorry i'm i'm living that should be a comfort to you sab i'm losing confidence over okay okay

okay sorry sorry i was just convincing a man i'm alive come into my office all right chip fix the bar the paint's still drying but okay all right well don't just watch it. You can do both. I'll do what I can, okay? I got it under control. And I'm not mad and I'm not on edge today about anything in particular. I'm walking away. I'm walking away. I'm not on edge, okay?

I can't even hear you. I'm not facing you, all right? And I have a lot- It's an ad to Bevix. It's ad to Bevix. That's why I'm being mad. I have a lot in my ears, all right? I have a lot of coupons in my ears.

I cannot hear you. I am so sorry, Chalice. All right, let's go into my office, all right? I have a lot of coupons in my ears. I cannot hear you. I am so sorry, Chalice. All right, let's go into my office, all right? Okay, I'm ready. So the secret to making quick connections is poetry. It is limericks. It is enunciation, okay? So see this jar of marbles?

I want you to put these all in your mouth because if you can say limerick with all of these marbles in your mouth, you can say them out there, okay? So I'm not doing a limerick. I'm saying limerick with marbles in my mouth. Exactly. I love it.

Okay, I'll try anything. All right. Limerick. Limerick. Limerick. Okay, I'm just trying to practice saying it without the marbles in my mouth, and I can't even say it. I'm panicking. Okay, do you want me to say a limerick, or do you want me to put six or seven marbles in my mouth to show you how it is?

Yeah, can you put some marbles in your mouth and then recite a poem, and then I'll feel confident enough to do it. Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink into my mouth. There once was a lime. Its juice was harvested to cut through grime. It sat there, juiceless and used. Its juice

and body had there been abused. Its only thing left to be used in this rhyme. Foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo. rhyme see was that bad all right and if you can do that in front of someone you can be with confident they go whoa that's art that's so beautiful and you say something about like light and that like kind of hitting their hair maybe you touch them on the shoulder boom bang bam you're a poet all right who doesn't want to really stick it to a poet all right you know what i mean i'm sorry that was gross no no it's

great i this is exactly the kind of attitude that's helping me i'm loosening up i'm getting feeling better i got it i got it um all right all right all right all right i'm gonna put the marbles in my mouth yeah well okay that's the, that's the used jar. That's fine. Okay. Longer. All right. So we cut back to the bar and Chalice reenters. You survey the scene.

What's it going to be, Chalice? I look back at Sab and do like a little nod, wink thing. Like, she looks confident this time. And she'll walk over to another table. Don't swallow. I just might have to and if you can say that with marbles in their mouth you're gonna do great she goes and she sits down another table she puts their arm her arm around a guy puts marbles in her

mouth she goes um there once was a girl with a knife. She decided to take someone's life. She wanted some bones, so he took her homes. And now that... Don't swallow them. Don't swallow them. Those are the used ones. There's marbles in my stomach Oh god

Yeah and on this man Okay I Oh gosh there's something really painful in my ear Oh that's right That is Free parking next time you're here Okay so Yeah you take that next time though

Not tonight alright so that's still gonna be Oh my god Seb this is not even a bit. There's something in my ear. Ow, ow, ow. Oh, my God. It's a marble. What tubes are connected in my body? What does this marble get me?

Gets you laid? Oh, God. Do you want to sex her? I'm here with my wife and kids. I mean, I'm sitting at a table. Oh, I didn't even see that. That makes sense. Okay, that makes sense.

This is an Ed Bebevics, all right? Your kids are fucking short and they're not too smart. And I don't have a whole lot of confidence that they ever will be smart. All right? Look at me, kids. You better pull something out of your ear, Seth. Look at me, kids. Let me just step in. Let me just step right. Look at me, kids. Look at me, kids. Look at me, kids. Look at me, kids. Let me just step in.

Let me just step in. Look at me, children. Look at me. First of all, parking is always free. So feel free to come in whenever. You can always get free parking. Thanks for coming by. And I'm actually going to take your waitress away

and leave the psycho to help you out. This was our waitress? Oh, my God. We got to get out of here. That family heads up. You better pray tonight that your souls keep. I grab Chalice by the hand and I say, sorry about my buds giving you some bad advice

that had no chance of ever working, okay? They haven't slept with anybody in a while. I could give you some good advice. How's that sound? Okay. Yeah, I trust you. I mean, I got nothing left to lose. Okay, I grab her by the hand and I lead her up to me and Seb's bedroom.

Human door, Chip. Human door, please. Ow. Yes. No, that's the only one I use. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry.

We sit down and I'm like, it's just about connecting with somebody. Find something that you guys have in common. we sit down and I'm like, it's just about connecting with somebody. Find something that you guys have in common. Find something that makes you both smile and talk about that and work your way to something meaningful. Pickup lines aren't going to work. Doing little ditties and little limericks aren't going to work.

So I figure we might, you want to just practice connecting with me? Can you start? And then I'll know how to do it and then I can then i can try one and yeah i'm nervous yeah okay oh yeah okay so i'm just gonna like look you up and down oh oh my gosh that's such a that's such a pretty ring uh my mom has one just like that actually oh my gosh really because this is my mom's it's her crown actually but it's um her ring and i yeah i keep it with me all the time it's like my favorite thing that i own and i would be devastated if i lost it um do you have a good

relationship with your mom we used we used to have a good relationship yeah um she actually she's passed on recently me too i'm so sorry to hear that oh i didn't know is that actually true chat yeah yeah oh i'm sorry to hear that genuinely as they're talking seb and beef are like looking through like a little hole watching them and just like kind of like like smiling contently like they're really happy this is happening i'm like a little bit mad that you said that you that you found like a rat fight fight club but this is beautiful so i'm like not i'm not even mad about that yeah there's like so many different things happening in this one place it's so many different yeah right rat fight club is in the cellar on Tuesdays. It's not here. Thanks, Jennifer.

The first thing about Rat Fight Club is always tell everybody the date and time. Okay, let's just shut up. We're missing stuff. Okay. We cut back to our conversation and we're like mid story about our moms. And then she tripped down the stairs into the mud. No. Yeah, that she had told us to walk.

Yeah. Oh, man. Well, she sounds like she was amazing. An angel. Whoa, Chip, I'm sorry. How long have we been talking? It's like dark outside. I forgot what we were doing.

I should get out of here. I totally get it now. Thank you so much, buddy. I guess I'll get downstairs. Thanks for that, pal. I can win some cheese. Chalice is going to go get laid. I'm going to get sex. I'm going to go get laid.

Chalice is going to get laid. Hey, B, what did you come from? Chalice is going to get laid. Going gonna get laid. Hey, hey, hey. Jesus, where'd you come from? Charlie's gonna get laid. Gonna get laid. What is this, a 24-hour sex parade? I'm going downstairs. Who wants to watch me hit on someone successfully? Yay!

You open the door, and I still haven't said anything, and you hit me directly in the face with the door. And I go, oh, shit. late, late, late, late. You need a bandaid. I'll have Jennifer boil the water. Come on, Jen. Chalice, you walk back into the bar. You've got a lot of people to choose from.

One person stands out a little bit. He's a human over six feet tall wearing all black he's muscular he's wearing small circular sunglasses and has a black ponytail and then uh chalice is walking up to that guy because he seems just mysterious enough. And she goes, I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me. I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me.

I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me. Hi, I'm Chalice. I'm one of the servers here. Chalice, of course. Yeah. No, I, uh...

Never mind. yeah no I uh never mind and then so do you walk away from that guy yeah I'm gonna go up to another guy perfect time to come up with a new voice I'm sorry I'm sorry sean i'm sorry i can i can no no no no i got other voices okay cool what are your other voices i can't wait i've got other okay you see another guy uh his fucking name is

chuck he's wearing a collared shirt and slacks are you ready that? This is your new guy. As she's doing this also, I'm fixing the bar. Perfect, perfect. Hi, I'm Chalice. I'm one of the surfers here. I'm Chuck. Come on, man. I think I just took a crap in my pants. You want

a sniff? Alright, I'm gonna go to another guy and if he's any worse and i guess i asked for this but uh we gotta get back we'll cut back to chuck in a little bit yeah yeah uh just crap in my pants. Okay, so you see there's a slender, like halfling gnome hybrid kind of

person who's playing a little drum. Great. Hi, I'm Chalice. I'm one of the servers here. How are you? Me no speaky human. You might have to circle back to that first time. God damn it. God damn it.

Oh, man. Sean always gets what he wants, doesn't he? I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me. I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me. Hi, I'm back. I'm so sorry about that. I'm successful. I'm smart. I'm good enough for me. Hi, I'm back. I'm so sorry about that. I got called away. Oh, absolutely. No problem at all.

I noticed you the second I walked in this bar. You know what? And just as you're about to like, you know, know him, another guy actually steps out and he's like, hey, buddy, she's not into you. Okay. Why don't you just, why don't you just back off what are you what are you gonna do tough guy you want to make you want to make a move go ahead let's dance come on let me see his arm gets like twisted turned snapped and then he gets thrown across the

bar into a table the second guy turns back to you and goes i I'm so sorry. I hate to be violent in front of you. Was that guy bothering you? I kind of was bothering him, but you are. You're wrong. Chip starts hammering loudly in jealousy. So I'm Chalice. I don't think I recognize you. I'm one of the servers here. Oh, yeah. You don't think I recognize you. I'm one of the servers here. Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't recognize me. I'm actually, I'm traveling. I'm not in town for long. Just here on business. Oh, and she turns to Chip and does like a pretty good circumstances, huh? I give her a begrudging like smile. Like, good job. Hooray.

So what brings you through town? Are you here for business? Yeah. My parents actually own a small brewing company. And I'm here actually to see if some of the local taverns wouldn't mind hosting some of our ale. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. That that's amazing i can totally connect you with my manager uh just don't go across the street to fed records they

are terrible over there it smells like shit they are garbage um uh but in the meantime can i like get you a drink oh yeah sure i mean i prefer my family's stuff. Actually, you know what? Would you mind trying some of it with me? I would love to. How long has your family been brewing? Oh, since I was a kid. It's like 30 years, you know? So we'll hear. And tell you what, if I can get the endorsement of the most beautiful server I've ever seen, then I think I'll know that we're doing okay. Oh, my gosh. I'm blushing. If I get any more nervous, I'm going to ask if you ever want to see your skeleton.

What do you mean? I don't know. That's just a dumb thing I say when I'm nervous. I say, like, I wish I could see what I look like. Someone's skeleton. Yeah, like beneath their skin and beneath their muscle. Oh my God.

Yes, exactly. Oh my God. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have someone not think that's weird. No, of course. Everyone wants to see that, right?

Oh God. It's very validating to have the hottest guy at the bar tell me that I'm not crazy. I hammer so loudly. I hammer so loudly. Chip, you're pranking it more. You're being loud that I'm not crazy. I hammer so loudly. I hammer so loudly. Chip, you're pranking it more.

You're being loud. I'm fixing it. I'm fixing it. Chip, can you stop? You're scaring all of the spiders. It's at the Beavix. Hey, it's getting really loud in here. I don't mean to be too forward, but is there a quieter place that we could

hang out and have a drink? Actually, I live here too. Do you want to don't know, hang out and have a drink? Actually, I live here too. So do you want to just like go sit in my room, have a drink? Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. And then those two walk up to Chalice's room. And she does one long wink at her friends as she goes up the stairs.

Bye, Chalice. Good luck. I don't see it because I'm yelling at Chip. I'm like, maybe I don't want this to be a Pat Dubix, okay? I don't know what a Pat Dubix is, alright? You owe me cheese! You owe me cheese!

Not yet! Oh my god, I'm fucking ruined. Jennifer, you owe me cheese. Remember protection! You guys owe me freaking cheese guys give me the cheese stack a little cheese bet huh a little a uh fromage bet i'm sorry who are you i'm the french guy from earlier oh um do you have cheese for me no i, just trying to make conversation I heard there's a cheese bed going on Oh yeah, we did a cheese bed

because it's kind of stupid we bet that we could get our friend laid and our friend just went upstairs with this handsome bar drinking family, I don't know he's like the son of a drink lord or something

But he just seems like the most down to earth like i mean yeah he seems really seems successful but hasn't really lost sight of his own personality and not anybody you'd want to like spend the rest of your life with though i don't know of course it seemed like that guy no way of course not that guy is the absolute worst are you kidding me thank. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? He sucked. He actually did suck a lot.

No, he has. He fucking sucked. No. Maybe it's just me, but I would never want to have my friends sleep with that guy, I tell you that much. Thank you. Wait a minute, French man. What do you mean?

Yeah, he has dimples you could lose gold coins in. What do you mean? Yeah, that kind of sucks so right is that what his eyes his eyes that look like a pool i would jump into yeah he's like too handsome so that you would never you'd feel like you were always inadequate that that's why he's not good no that but he would still love you all the same he's a player what are we talking he's a player he's a swindler and then all-around a-hole, that guy. What? Oh yeah!

What? Dude, that dude's got a thing where he's like... He's tried to sleep with pretty much every princess that exists, uh, to try to get money. It's pretty pathetic. Some even are stupid enough to fall for it. It's ridiculous. Huh. No.

Good thing your friend isn't a princess anymore otherwise i'd be concerned oh no guys team meeting sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a question for you what's the right amount the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger,

and I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social

sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Okay, let's cut back to Chalice in the room with the guy. Yeah, so that's what I think my skeleton would look like. That's hilarious. Yeah. I have one adjustment. I bet you have two funny bones. Oh, my gosh.

That's really funny. Or like three. I don't know. Do we usually have two? I don't know. I'm not a bone actor. I don't know. Yeah.

Anyways. You like my arms? Yeah. Chip comes and he busts down the door. Chip, what the hell? What are you doing? He sucks. He sucks.

This is not the Rat Fight Club. Get out of here. Go. No, he sucks. Don't do this. I know I gave you good advice, but this dude sucks. Chip, are you serious? You can't.

Chalice, is this guy bothering you? Yes, I'm serious. Is he bothering you? Yeah, a little bit. Give me a second. And she goes and she pulls Chip towards the door. Hey, Chip, this is really annoying and really messed up of you. Dude, I don't know what is going on or what I did to offend you,

but you always seem to undercut and sabotage me. And I just think it's really cruel and really messed up. Please, let me have one nice thing. He's not a nice thing. Stop. There's a million guys around here who are way nicer than this guy. Okay, if you... You know what?

Go downstairs and maybe if you try to go sleep with someone, okay? Stop getting into my... I don't want to go downstairs and sleep with somebody. Stop getting into my business. Go find another two-headed person and then tell a lame story about them, Chip. Get out! Oh my God, I didn't even sleep... I have not slept with anybody since I met you, okay?

That's a fact. that's a verif- Damn, that was rough Jennifer, stop kissing my ankles I don't need that right now I hate to be that guy But we have a bunch of gnomes Throwing darts at beef right now So I think we gotta go downstairs

Okay I hate to be that guy. It's one of those nights, alright, I don't know if I have to remind you, because it happens a lot. Hey, Sab? I'm kind of hurting right now, just so you know. Okay, well, imagine beef. Six or seven darts

in their bag. Is that all you've got? Is that all you've got? Is that all you've got? Give me more. You're right. Let's go ahead. All right.

Thank you. Thank you. All right. We cut back inside Chels's bedroom. Sorry about that. Yeah. Is that guy always like that? Yeah.

He's just, I don't know. He just is like, I don't know. I don't know what's up with him. Wait, what did he say? Did you catch that at the end when he said about sleeping with someone? Yeah, he said he wouldn't sleep with you or something like that.

Well, yeah. Okay, no kidding. That's fucked up. And for the record, I, well, this is too forward. You'd sleep with me? I would, yeah. You know what? I was thinking would, yeah. You know what?

I was thinking the same thing. You're passing through town. I have blood and sauce in my hair, so I could use a little fun. So if you're down, then I'm down. I mean, do you think that your parents would approve? I mean, I'm just a regular guy. I don't know if they would approve of me living in the castle. What are you talking about?

You're a princess, right? You're Princess Chalice. Well, was, I guess. Also, my mom passed away. How do you not... Ew, what? Wait, are you a princess or not? I was a princess, and then I left to work here.

What are you now? I'm a woman of the people now what i connect to the common man no no no okay but you still okay all that you know bullshit aside like you still have lots of gold lots of influence lots of money my dress is denim and i have sauce and blood in my hair does Does it look like I have a lot of money? Is this like you turned 30 and inherited all? You got to fill me in here. I'm not going to just waste my time sleeping with some random server.

Okay. So Chalice. Just starts smiling. And at first it looks normal. And then it looks more and more scary. Whoa. That face, I can almost see your skeleton. It's freaking me out.

And then she takes her jewelry off one piece at a time. And she's going, I'm successful. I'm smart. And I'm good enough for me. Yikes. I'm successful. I'm smart. and I'm good enough for me. Yikes. I'm successful, I'm smart, and I'm good enough for me. And then she's gonna beat him up. Yeah!

I'm gonna send a firebolt at him. Hell yeah, you are. Firebolt, bitch! Nice, okay. I got a 15. Thatbolt, bitch. Nice. Okay. I got a 15. That hits for sure. So he gets blasted with a firebolt. It sends him rocketing through your closed door into the hallway.

Flames are just bursting all on his clothes. And now he's panicked. And he's rolling on the ground trying to put them out. You're a psychopath. Oh, you think that's crazy? You'll see crazy. Oh, you think that's crazy? You'll see crazy. Hey, rats, Fight Club came a little early this week.

Nobody told us. They would post this. Jennifer, please. My name is Zachary and I'm back-to-back champ. I have a bat with a like railroad spike through it. Let's go, pretty boy. I want to watch you bleed.

Oh, my God. Everyone, what is wrong with this place? I'm leaving, okay? And I'm never coming back. Rubik's Cubix. From downstairs, Chip, and everybody hears the commotion and goes like, oh, man, what did I do? I guess you guys owe me cheese. that's yes yes you think it sounds like sex yes um and so chalice like does uh continues to uh beat him up she just really

for a while okay he's trying to flee uh but she's not letting him so i'm gonna say that he's trying to flee. Yeah, but she's not letting him. So I'm going to say that he is effectively grappled by like the rats. So Zachary and Jennifer and all of the rats from the kitchen swarm upstairs and have effectively grappled this guy and have him pinned down. And he's unable to leave and Chalice is just wailing on him. Cool. I think I'm not going to use any of my weapons. You're just like punching his lights out? Yeah. So because she really is just trying to feel this from her gut.

She doesn't need weapons. Cool. Yeah. Since he's like effectively incapacitated by these rats, I'll have him roll to try and escape. I'm going to have it that he's at disadvantage. I'm just repeating Seb's's uh mantra um and then she says did it hurt when you fell from the sky i hope you don't have a husband at home waiting for you and guess what you're lucky that i don't want to see your skeleton today, creep. And then she kicks him

in the balls. My family jewels, of which you have none. What a waste of time. That's enough of you. Get out of here. Run. Go. Run. That's right. You leave here. My name is Zachary. Don't you forget it. God, unfortunately,

I will never be able to forget you, Zachary. This is horrifying. Watch this. I'm going to eat my own finger. God, unfortunately, I will never be able to forget you, Zachary. This is horrifying. Watch this. I'm going to eat my own finger. Jesus, dude. That hurt me really bad. You better run. You better not be ruining your dinner.

I made dinner all night for you. Baby, baby, stop. You better not be getting full. Baby, don't. I worked hard for dinner for you. Oh, come on, baby. Don't baby me. Come on.

I'm at work. This place is full of poor psychopaths and rats. I'm out of here. God, I'm bleeding everywhere. I'm hurt. Oh, his eyes are all wonky. His eyes are really wonky. Yeah, get out of here.

Run. And he runs down the stairs. She chased him down the stairs. And now he runs. And he's about to pass Chip. And he looks over him. What are you looking at? God.

You must have just had the best night of your life. What's wrong with you people? And he runs out. Woo! Wow. Fuck yeah. And then T'Challa's lights a cigarette and leans up against the bar now like it's cut she's covered in paint she doesn't even care anymore her hair is down she's smoking the

cigarette wow oh boy i feel better chip still assuming that she did sleep with him successfully i i take like four shots chalice is a bag a Yeah, we can't stress enough how post-coitus Chalice looks. She's smoking a cigarette. She's so relaxed now. Her hair's kind of tussled. She's wrapped in her sheets. Yeah. Chalice, you're glowing.

Oh my God. Am I? Oh my God, I feel so much better. That was good advice. Well, it seems like I owe you guys some cheese, though, huh? Wait, is that how it went? Yeah, I didn't get laid, but boy do I feel better. I just beat the shit out of that creep.

What? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on just one gosh darn second. Scree! Back it up. You didn't have sex with that fella? Nope, and so Chalice is smoking her cigarette walking around in her sheet and she starts to take uh beef down from the wall where people

are still throwing darts at him thank you yeah i didn't have sex with him you know what turns out he's a real fucking weirdo creep who likes to sleep with princesses to try to get access to their money such a loser oh my god i didn loser. Oh my God. I think I said, I think I said, I bet you guys that that guy is a weirdo creep loser who tries to sleep with princesses

to get their money. I think everyone owes me a wheel of cheese. No, you didn't. No. Jennifer, you have a gambling problem. You have. Oh my God,

I'm fucking ruined. Yeah, I didn't sleep with him, but I do feel it's so much better. I think I just needed to blow off some steam. I feel great. So the next time you want to have sex, you can just beat somebody up and you just don't have to have sex with any strangers ever. Yeah, unless I do, which is great.

Yeah, you could. I feel better. But not with a stranger. What? I keep hammering so loud, Chip. Sorry, just happy hammering. Just as happy hammering. Happy hammering.

Seriously, you have to stop. There are spiders coming from everywhere. The vibrations are too much. This place is filled. The walls are filled to the brim with spiders, and we need them there for insulation. You guys. She's like looking at our friends with new appreciation thank you so much for all your help today everyone took so much time to try to help me out and try to make me feel better and i

just really appreciate that well it's because we love we love you i love you and you know i we i we i love you you know yeah i love you guys too. You're like my brothers. You're my best friends. I'm still getting to know you, but yeah, I think you're great. I'm not going to lie to her. I said that at the beginning. Seb, I appreciate that about you. And thanks so much, Beef. I mean, the best guys in the world.

Hey, anything for you. You're the sweetest thing I've ever met in my entire life, and I would do anything to protect you and keep you safe. No, B, your eyes look wonky. No. No, when he starts punching, he punches his eyes. Oh, B.

Okay, alright. B lost a lot of blood. Alright. Back to work, everybody. I'm ready to go back to work. And then Chalice walks up to a table and is still wrapped in her sheet and she's smoking a cigarette and she goes, Hi, I'm Chalice. I'm ready to go back to work. And then Chalice walks up to a table and is still wrapped in her sheet. And she's smoking a cigarette. And she goes, hi, I'm Chalice. I'm your server.

Do you ever wonder what your skeleton looks like? Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song and I did the editing on this one. Thank you so much for listening! To stay up to date on the show, you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd. That's sitcom

and the letter is D-N-D. If you've enjoyed our first eight episodes and you are hungry for more, you can head to our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D where we will be releasing a bonus episode every week. And now you've got eight weeks of beautiful content already stacked up to enjoy.

So get on in there. We got some really cool stuff on the Patreon right now. We've got Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-universe dating advice show. We've got a one-shot in the world of Grey's Anatomy. We've got improv classes hosted by Beef himself. We've got a bunch of fun improv

and get-to-know-you happy hour and all this good stuff. So if any of that sounds interesting to you, head over to patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. Remember that Patreon is the fuel that this show runs on, so if you like it, consider joining, because that's what allows us to keep this train rolling.

If you can't help us financially, you can still help us out a ton by rating the show and subscribing wherever you get podcasts. Or by recommending the show to a friend who likes weird shit. I think that is it for now. Until next week! And thanks, as always, for listening.