SitcomD&D - S1 E9: The Fancy Feast (w/ Adal Rifai)

Episode Date: April 12, 2022

When a very fancy cat (Adal Rifai) makes a wager that he can turn Bottom's Up around in time to host the kingdom's annual Fancy Feast the gang do their best to rise to the occasion.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest Star: Adal Rifai Link to Elizabeth's Show: The Illuminati Hour Link to Sean's Comic Book Kickstarter: Skyless #2 Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Sweet, yeah. And then at any point, if you have questions or anything, feel free to ask. But I think that's about it. Everybody feeling good? Hells yeah. Let's just eat Adol alive. Let's make it possible for him to do his job.

No, Derem, limb from limb. So we're going to pick up on a relatively normal day at the Tavern Bottoms Up. The only thing out of the norm is that two very elegant men are seated at one of your tables. And we're actually going to pick up there at Bottoms Up while these two are sharing a meal. So everyone, quiet on set, quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world

to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy

day. We're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy.

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience adle do you want to describe who your character is and what your character looks like absolutely so my character is dean cahoots dean cahoots is he's the dean of the charm school i'm sure um so i'mots is the dean of the charm school, I'm sure. So I'm sure is the charm school he's the dean of. Cahoots, he just kind of has one name.

If he's not going by dean, if he's not on campus, he just goes by Cahoots. Unless you're a former student, then you should call him Dean Cahoots. Cahoots, the race of Cahoots is a tabaxi, which they're basically like cats. They can look like any sort of cat. And his class is a sorcerer. On each of his ears, he has a little top hat. Oh, my God. And his ear goes through it.

So it doesn't cover the ear and fold it. It needs to breathe. So each ear has a little top hat that pokes through. And then, of course, there's a main top hat in the middle of his head. He has three top hats. He has three top hats? Of course. So it sort of just seems like his ears are wearing tube dresses.

Erin, I'm sorry. I'm not workshopping this character. I'm so sorry. It is settled. Ignore me. I blew it. He has almost like Chippendale strippers, where he has a collar with no shirt. He has the cuffs not attached to anything.

So that's what's going on there. He also has a flowy purple, like purple black-ish cape, depending on how it hits the light. It's kind of purplish black. And then around his waist, he does have sort of tied a leather strap or belt. And then there's dangling down the center, there's a tie dangling down

to sort of protect his modesty. And his name is just cahoots just cahoots yeah it's one name i thought it was dean dean cahoots well well hold on now it's that so you were workshopping this character i caught you oh incredible so um dean cahoots is is also sitting across from his very fancy friend, Sir Lavish Von Frufru, who is a shorter human dressed to the nines and is wearing an enormous powdered wig. I, Sir Lavish Von Frufru, haven't been in a place this shabby in years. What am I saying? I haven't been in a place this shabby in years. What am I saying? I haven't been to a place this shabby ever. Agreed, old friend.

I mean, I didn't order the roach sandwich, but that's what I got. You know, we would have never come here if it weren't for that mysterious piss fire that occurred at the fine dining establishment across the street yes what a peculiar fire the more you piss on it the more it grows and to think the kingdom's greatest annual dinner the fancy feast is tomorrow what are we to do the restaurant reserved across the street is still going to be closed because of that mysterious piss fire. Ah, fancy feast. Meow. I hurt because there's no fancy feast venue. We need to come up with a new place. Hmm. Let me look around the room here. Well, certainly not this place. I mean, look at it. It's completely disheveled. It's disgusting. Yes, I looked up at the ceiling expecting to see a chandelier but what it was was two little feet dangling as as if someone on the second floor had fallen through halfway help and oh but there are candles on his feet so i guess

it is a chandelier that's just jack i can recognize his voice jack be nimble and Jack be quick, and Jack has feet made of candlesticks. Oh, they're made of candlesticks. Oh. Yes, quite, quite. It's a really painful curse. I'm so sorry to interrupt. Your back and forth is beautiful, but are you guys gonna order dessert or not? Um, I guess I'll have, let's

see, do you have a dessert menu or can you recite it by memory? No, yes, all memory for me, beef. Well, your dessert this evening is cream and pepper. Pepper and cream. Sorry, so my options are memory, beef, cream or pepper? Well, my name is Beef. I'm so sorry. I could do a better job at serving you guys, but... No, you look like a beef. You look like a beautiful... You look like you could pick me up and show me a good time.

I'm sorry about my friend Beef. He is not used to people who smell this good, and he was hoping he would order dessert so he could eat it later. They don't normally let me do the serve usually out in the back but a few people fell through the the the roof and oh that's the roof so the second floor is actually the roof is this a trick question sometimes um how is your poached sandwich and can i get you a refill on your spicy milk um well my poached sandwich is crawling away. I would like the spicy milk, but could you put that in a saucer versus a glass? And also, I will try the, I'll try the dessert. Just bring me one of each. All right, I will if I remember.

And for me, I was wondering if you knew what pan. Oh, you weren't done as a table? I didn't say anything yet. Sorry, I'll run back. Hold on, I'll run back. So you wanted a piece of pie. Unbelievable. She has chickpeas under her fingernails. As a little snack.

How, begs the question, how? As a little snack. Well, as a little snack, obviously. Thank you, Beef. Speaking of little snacks, yes, I'll have a small piece of whatever today's pie is, and then whatever you think pairs best with that, drink-wise. All right, I will bring it back if I don't forget or get bored. See you later. Oh, and I'll take some dessert, sherry. Oh, too late.

I am truly tickled by this establishment. It is putting me into a fit of tickles how ridiculous this is. Yes, it's almost so dismantled that it's humorous. I almost like it here. I'm gonna, look at this little bowl of peanuts. I'm gonna eat some of these peanuts and throw the shells on the floor. Hey, how dare you? How dare you?

How dare you? Hey, those are display peanuts, alright? Put them back. Hey, Sebastian, there's throw up in the keg again. Should I just leave it? How dare you Hey those are display peanuts alright put them back Hey Sebastian There's throw up in the keg again Should I just leave it I leave it right Kahoot you seem to have Upset the muscle the bouncer

Or something I am not a bouncer I'm the server slash bartender Slash fabled folk hero Oh my goodness this this is rich. I'm sorry, we're not rich. We're very poor. Did somebody say poor? I'm sad and I've been in the back.

And I'm actually the owner here. And here's your order. One old piece of cake to share. You're welcome. At least they're honest. You know what? You know what? I would... I've got a thought, Cahoots. Now hear me out. Yes?

I would like to make you a wager. Hmm. A gentleman's bet. Have you heard of the stage play She's All That? Yes. Beef, get up from their table. You're not a part of this. Come on. They're so fun. I think I saw a production maybe 15, 20 years

ago. Yes, in the Deep West. Yes, it's the one starring Prince Freddie II. Oh, yes. His father was the king, but died young. And so he just got a pass. Everyone was like, he's talented. I mean, he's fine, but

it feels like his father, the king, really paved the way. Yeah, did the heavy lifting there. Yes. Well, in that play, his best friend bets him that he can't make the weirdest girl in town the people's princess. I'd like to make a bet that you can't turn the worst bar I've ever been to, this bar,

into an establishment befitting the fancy feast by tomorrow. Seb, the keg burst into flames when I stirred the vomit in, so it must have been piss in there, too. Okay, I'll get the shovel. We gotta bury that seven feet deep, all right? We don't want the spirits coming out of that one. We can't shut down for another six days, alright? We just can't do it anymore.

Well, I swear, I'm not performing one more ditty on that stage unless that hole on the floor of the stage gets fixed. Oh, and it's leaking from the roof so it's going to be a pee ditty. Listen, I like this guy. This guy's really quick. Get up from the roof, so it's going to be a pee-diddy. Listen, uh, Fru-Fru.

I like this guy. This guy's really quick. Get up from the table, Beef. Beef, get over here. Von Fru-Fru, old friend, looking around, I am absolutely disgusted at how grotesque and mismanaged this place is. I do have to say, as the dean of I'm Sure Charm School, i've never failed a student who'd walk through my doors and walking through these i guess you'd call them doors even though they're flaps of meat uh in an entryway i feel challenged for the first time in a while i feel my expertise could be really put to use so i accept your gentleman's wager i I accept your challenge. I shall turn this place around.

Well, let's up the ante then. More than just a gentleman's wager, would you say you were willing to bet 500 gold pieces along with your reputation? Holy cow, that's a lot of cash! Let's make it 600 in your reputation. Oh! You've got yourself a deal, old friend. And we shake hand and paw. Beef, you are not part of this handshake, and I grab beef by the stomach and pull beef away.

Please, please! And we gentleman's kiss on it. Gentleman's kiss on it. Well, looks like you've got your work cut out for you old friend yes yes i do let's get to work i'll see you tomorrow with the rest of the other fancies at 7 p.m shop for the annual fancy feast oh wait i'm so sorry tomorrow i'm supposed to have this done by tomorrow i don't know why i i hear what i want to hear. I thought you said two years.

Okay. No, this works. This works. A bet's a bet, and it is tomorrow. So Lavish Von Frufru pushes his seat out, kind of dabs his face with his napkin, and excuses himself from Bottoms Up, leaving just Dean Cahoots there with the rest of the gang. All right. Is everyone here? Are these all the employees of Bottoms Up?

Sorry, I am the owner. Who are you? My name is Dean Cahoots. I am the dean of, I'm sure, Charm School. And I'm here to make over you and your cohorts and your bar, Bottoms Up. Now, I'm not a bar rescue cat, to be sure, but I do feel like I have a certain expertise that will help all of you succeed. And more importantly, make money.

Gold, if you will. I don't understand why we would even need a makeover of some sort. I'd love a haircut. Besides haircuts, I'm not sure what kind of makeover we need. We all would love a free haircut, but this place is looking way better than it's ever looked before. Is this about haircuts? It can be. It can be.

But mostly it's about your attitude, your skill, your service, your dedication to your service, and the veneer or aesthetic of the bar itself. Now, look around you. I want everyone to look around. Look at the feet dangling in the ceiling. Look at the rats. Look at the rats and visible lice scurrying around the place. I see that. Does this look like a place you'd want to eat?

I mean, I have to. It's the only place I know how to eat at. Yeah, it's the only place we all eat. We have to eat here. Yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay. First things first. What I'm hearing is

a lot of mumbling i hear a lot of iran i need everyone to speak with dedication now repeat after me bottoms up is the place to eat we've really got our work cut out for us, don't we? Hey, I'm Jennifer the rat. I'm kind of the leader of the rats in the kitchen. Oh, good heavens, my apologies. I thought you were just an off-the-street rat. You work here.

Yes, yes. Mr. Kazoinks, you should know that I actually- Please, Mr. Kazoinks is my father. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, Cahoots, you should know that I actually... Please, Mr. Kazoinks is my father. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, Kahoot, you should know that I am a former princess, and I took years of elocution classes. You took four years of electrocution classes? Yes, I got hit by lightning several times,

and now I get a nosebleed if I try to do math. Any whoozle. What's one plus one? Ah! Ogre! Don't let me do math, I'll bleed. I've just done all sorts of classes. How to walk downstairs. How to paint with watercolors.

How to let men kiss my hand real slow and wet. I'm all good at all sorts of things, so you don't have to work on me at all. I'm actually very fancy and have been this whole time. You do sound fancier than normal. You don't normally talk like that. Oh, am I putting on airs because all of a sudden

I feel inferior to him? You think I've changed him? Your hands. Your hands are really high up close to your face. These hands? I don't know if this is universal, but at the I'm Sure Charm School, putting on airs is what we call passing gas. So rule number one, don't fart in the bar, in the restaurant.

I'm telling you right now, they will not be able to do that. That's the first rule. We're freaking screwed. We're absolutely screwed. We are all farting right now in real time. Okay, maybe the best thing to do, let me step back one step here. Maybe the best thing to do is, why don't you all give- Is it because we smell bad? Part of it, yes. To be honest, thank you for asking.

Let me step back a few more feet. Maybe the best thing to do is, why don't you all, before changing, before I can get any sort of assessment and dole out advice, maybe the best thing for you to do is give me the authentic bottoms-up experience. Treat me like any rapscallion off the street and give me the full service as you would on any typical day. So let me go outside and I'm going to come in and right from the get-go, give me the experience. Okay, let me go outside. Okay, cahoots, get into character. Your name is Jeff. You are a patron.

All right, let me see if I can enter the doorway here. Oh, there's someone out front. Hello. Hi, ID, you piece of shit. Yes, my name is Jeff. Let me quickly sketch myself with charcoal on this parchment. That's me. What?

Your name's Mr. Cahoots. We just met. I'm sorry. i failed to tell you before i exited the building i am going to be playing an everyday this dude's he's not jeff okay this guy's got a fake idea or some shit okay i'll let you in but just we're watching you pal and i kick him into the door oh oh oh you brute you brute, let's see here. Take a seat. Oh, oh, the bouncer is also the hostess? Okay, let me find a seat here. Here's a seat at the bar.

Okay. And now we play the waiting game. Everyone's staring at me. No one's approaching. Chalice forgot what she was doing, and she's at the bar sort of like just like twirling her hair and like doodling away on a little sheet of paper. She forgot what she's doing.

She forgot that she's supposed to be with us. Hours pass. Come on. Shit, it's almost 7 p.m. tomorrow. Excuse me, are you writing today's menu? Are you writing down the seasonal fresh ingredients? Oh, shit, I forgot you were here. Um, hello, Mr. Caboose.

Could I get you anything here. Um, hello, Mr. Caboose. Could I do anything to start with? I would love to order, but I'm afraid I don't know what you serve. Is there a menu? I'm trying to remember. Let's see. Corn. Chalice, we don't even serve corn. That's one of the things we do not serve is corn.

You know what? I'm going to Jennifer. Jennifer. What? Can you come here? Oh, my God. I'm in the middle of cooking. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Okay. I'm on my way. Scott. Scott. Scott. Scott.

Girl, how are you? You should take a break. You look like sweaty. What is it? What kind of food do we have? Today? Yeah. Today we're working with a huge pot full of boiling water.

And we've been throwing a bunch of stuff in it. And now it's kind of an orange color. Oh, maybe a stew of some sorts? We actually call it orange pot. It's called Orange Pot here. Oh, and who's... Sorry, seems like I'm getting the menu from three different people. Sorry, I'm the owner.

I'm trying to be hands-off right now. I'm trying to zip my frickin' lip over here. You're trying to be hands-off. Your hands are literally around my throat. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just want you to look at me when I'm talking to you. Okay, and sorry, what was your name?

Manager, what was your name? Yeah, this guy's name is Sebastian, Seb for short. Seb. My waitress here, I believe this young lady right here, she puts the lice- My name is Talis Glass, and I was once a princess. In case you've forgotten, I'm very fancy, and there's nothing you need to fix. Oh, dear, you really put the lice in chalice. She seems to have

forgotten the menu. Is there a stockpile of paper menus around here or might I know what the orange pot is before I commit to ordering it? I guess I can field this question. Yeah, you can field that. So I'm the head chef around here.

We got a kitchen staff of about 200 um working real hard back there for you oh i don't know how to phrase this properly without being insulting all rats all rats yeah all rats all rats all rats okay all rats all right over yeah you're okay okay cool um and i gotta say this i mean mean, elephant in the room, have you ever been told that you look just like Dean Cahoots? Yes. Sorry, I actually am Dean

Cahoots. I'm playing an everyday average patron trying to kind of suss out how Bottoms Up works currently so I can really get my hands dirty and fix it. Also, Jennifer, good eye. Guys, get this elephant out of here. You know you're not supposed to be in here, man.

Get out. Get out of here. Hey, shoot. I'll get my pony stick. I'll get my pony stick. But pay your tab. Can we also get out the 600-pound gorilla? Is that too much to ask?

Hey, whoa. Come on now. Come on. He didn't do anything to the problem. He just didn't shave. He's breaking furniture in half. ask? Hey, whoa. Come on now. Come on. He didn't do anything to help. He just didn't shave. He's breaking furniture in half. No, no, no. He brought that furniture.

Oh, then, sorry. I'm the elephant and I'm leaving and I will never forget how I was treated at this establishment. Oh, yeah, like this is ever going to come up again. F*** you. Oh, Beef, like this is ever going to come up again. F*** you. Oh, Beef's show is about to start. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Oh, entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, hello. I am your emcee for this evening. Beef, just Beef. The entertainment introducing themselves. Hello. Before I get to what I got to get to, I'm going to be singing the menu for tonight. Oh, there you go.

We've got a big old bowl of water. It's boiling really hot. We got a bunch of corn. It's out in the stock. We don't have corn. Nothing in the kitchen that makes any sense. A hundred rats plus another hundred more are us. Ha ha ha ha.

Thank you. That's the menu for tonight. And for the next two hours, I'm going to be doing a ventriloquism act with my flute. Any takers? You're going with my flute. Any takers? You're going to love this. Takers on what? To be the flute? Ventriloquism usually doesn't require a participant. Yes, I'll raise my hand.

You! What's your name, sir? My name is Jeff, and I'm an everyday patron. Wait! That really does look like Mr. Caboose. This is what I'm saying does look like Mr. Caboose. This is what I'm saying. Please, Mr. Caboose was my mother. Jeff, huh?

Why don't you come step on the stage with old beefcakes over here, huh? Okay, yes, I've dipped my toes in the performing arts before, so I feel comfortable standing on stage. All right. What do you require of me? So, do you know A-flat? Yes, I have an apartment, yes.

Oh, I meant musically. Do you have an A-flat? Musically. I believe so. Is it somewhere up here? That's perfect. Stay right there. All right.

I'm going to let you come in, and you're just going to be saying. Beef, it doesn't count as ventriloquism if it's just another person talking. person talking it's just a conversation how many times do you have to tell you this is just a conversation it's just two people talking and it doesn't make a difference if you call them a dummy at the end they're still just a person talking do not put your hand up there please well come on this is just the beginning don't you want the show to go well? Listen, folks, let me put my hats back on. It is Dean Cahoots again. I knew it!

Do it! Oh my god. I said. Sorry, this was not meant to be a reveal. I know. Good on you. Listen, wow, I think I fully and completely understand the issues that are emanating from this establishment and the workers within. So I'm going to work Juan on Juan with each of you to give you a bit of a makeover, teach you how things are done in proper society, and especially...

Haircuts! Haircuts! I can't stress enough. I cannot stress enough. Haircuts hold no importance in the service industry. Yay! Fine, line up.

Chalice, you're first. Let me get out my claws. Chalice, does that change what haircut you're going to give me if you know my real name? I'll give you a bowl cut, okay? Who's next? It's canon. Beef, Beef Sephard. What would you like? The Jessica Chastain, please. The most chaste lady in all the land, Jessica. Here you go. Also, canonically, you should know, Beef is a balding man. So you're really working miracles.

Ooh, I really fucked up your scalp with my claws. Ouchie. I put some deep grooves in there. That's okay. Beauty is pain, am I right? No. No. Let's see, Jennifer, why don't you step forward.

Never cut a rat's hair before Why are you licking your lips Why are you licking your lips licking at Jennifer Your claws just got longer somehow Oh did they Okay don't eat Jennifer Could my hair all over my body look like yours When you're done

Of course oh I'm sorry I licked you Let me lick my nails Jennifer how about you just We need you to cook anything. Go cook anything. Go cook an egg. Go cook anything at all. Any style. Anything you can.

I want a makeover. Here's a tiny little hat that I got off one of his ears. You can wear that. Here's a tiny little hat for you. How's that sound? Oh, I feel fancy. Okay, back to work. Let me take out a spare hat to cover that ear.

Okay, let me work with each of you individually. Oh, we still have to do that part? Yes, I'm afraid so. Chip, let's start with you since you are bursting with questions. Let's go outside, shall we? Everyone else as you were. Well, not as you were. Let's play Red Rover while they're gone.

Yeah, let's do it. Oh, I'm going to freaking miss Red Rover. It's fine. We'll make up for it. We'll make up for it. We'll make up for lost time. Why don't we step outside? Now, Chip, as the bouncer, you are the first person a customer sees, right? Seems like you have a leather vest, some chaps here with boots, and this green.

Does this green come off? That's my skin, man. That's your skin. That's your skin. Perfect. And we love it. And we love it. I do have to ask legally, the scarf around your neck, is that keeping your head on your body?

That's against my HIPAA rights. So you can't ask that question. Oh, you're hungry, hungry HIPAA rights. Of course, we will protect those at all costs. So here's what I'm going to say. You don't have sleeves. So what I'd like you to do, is there any way for you to maybe fold your arms in front of your chest? That way people see the muscles, but it's not threatening. Fold my arms in front of my... Just like that. Whoa.

Whoa, Chip. Sorry to interrupt. I just... You look good today. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Chalice right over. That's me. Shoot. I gotta go break Beep's arm.

Okay, interesting. It seems like there's a whole, with the entire service inside the restaurant, it seems like there's an entire will they, won't they. Listen, okay, I mean, while you're here, you're part of the whole charm thing, right? That's something you do? Sure, yes. Okay, how do I put a charm on her? You want some advice? Here's what I would say.

Yeah. I would say the next time you see Chalice, tell her how you feel. No need to try and charm her. About her. That's ridiculous. There's no way. How many... is this how you met your your oh i'm asexual you're asexual what i'm i'm ace i'm i'm an ace in the hole i do yes i don't i don't necessarily feel that way towards any uh person or persons okay all right well I guess I'll try it. Yes, try it and see how it works. And you want me to tell all the patrons how I feel about challenge?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry. I walked right into that one. No, as customers approach, all I want you to say is, could I bother you for some ID? And just make sure everyone has proper attire. How many tires do they need? Ideally, none. Ideally. Okay. Your goal is to want them to succeed. make sure everyone has proper attire how many tires do they need um ideally none ideally okay your goal is to want them to succeed you want them to get inside so you're not want to you don't want

to be gruff you don't want to be a brute you don't want to be defensive you want them to get inside you're rooting just then a guy walks up and says sup jip and starts walking in hey whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa so there's this girl chalice in there and she yeah no no no i'm sorry no no no no again again you tell her how you feel oh that's right all right go get on in buddy all right see you in there sorry is that a regular oh no i don't know that guy but he probably know he probably knows me because i am a fabled hero around these parts my name is actually chip a hoy okay so as the yes so as the bouncer what i need you to do is i need you to go inside bottoms up and i need you to pol, politely escort that gentleman back out front.

Do not grab his collar. Do not shove him. Do not knock him out. You're going to use your words, use your verbiage as your muscle. Oh, okay. All right. All right. Hey!

What? What? What? What? Get out. Get out. all right hey what what what get out get over here get over here get over here okay okay let's stop sorry i got confused i tried not using any words yes it is very gruff very very gruff um maybe uh maybe sorry i i let's try something different why don't you quietly almost like a whisper almost like a whisper say could i bother you could i trouble you even to make your way back out front so i might check your id okay that's a lot of words assuage assuage this gentleman oh pardon me sir don't you fucking touch me. He grabs him, tries to grapple you and break your arm as quickly as he can. I toss him to the ground immediately. I toss him and I want to toss him to the ground.

Let's grapple. Okay, I grapple. 15. This guy rolled an 18. Uh-oh. this guy rolled an 18 so the next thing that cahoots you see is this guy like walk chip out in pain and throw him to the curb sir are you interested in a job as a bouncer make my way to the bar here.

Hello. Hello. Chalice is now in the vein of like Carol Burnett, turned some of the curtains to seem even fancier into like a dress. She looks like a complete hot mess, and she's still covered in blood from earlier. Chalice, it's me, Dean Cahoot. I'm not Jeff anymore.

I'm Dean Cahoot, or Cahoot to I'm not Jeff anymore. I'm Dean Cahoot. Or Cahoot to you, since you're never my student, not yet. Cahoot to you, sir. Okay, thank you so much. So it seems like you're wearing, it looks like a lot of white. That is working for you. I will say that it's

interesting. It is captivating. It's a conversation starter. The only thing I would change is the bowl cut, but we don't have time for that. Oh, and that's interesting because... No, no, no, no. And you know what? And you know what?

I agree with you. I hate it too. It happened so fast. It happened so fast. There's no time. There's no time. Listen, you will be loved. You will be loved.

So, it seems like you're behind the bar. Are you a bartender as well as a server or just a server? No, just a server. I like to stand back here when I don't like doing my job. You understand? Okay. As a server, you are usually, if there's no hostess, you are usually the second person a patron sees as they enter.

Now, what you need to do is have a big, bright energy, nice, big smile, chin up, smize with your eyes and terrifying turn it down you're at you're at a 40 i need you at a 10 you're at a 40 i need you at a 10 okay your head turned around 360 okay so i'm going to stand over here invite me to the bar or a table make me welcome and welcome me to the bar or a table, make me welcome, and welcome me to Bottoms Up. Here we go. You! Ah! I think that's as close as we're going to get.

Okay. Now, as I sit down, you need to ask, have you dined with us before? Have you dined with us before? If I say no, you say, welcome in. If I say yes, you say, welcome back If I say yes, you say welcome back. Do you understand the difference? It's so confusing, but let's give it a try. Okay, you ask me.

Have you dined with us before? No. Well, welcome back. No. Welcome in. Welcome. Willkommen. Bienvenue.

Welcome. You're probably learning a thing or two from me on how to be fancy, huh? I'm so charming and fancy. You're probably going to use some things about me. Perhaps I will show up in some of your textbooks about how to be so classy and beautiful. Let's just say yes. So, as a customer, I want to know what my options are, what is available. So, in your hands, crumpled up in your fist, seems to be some sort of paper. Is that the menu?

No. This is just something dumb. I just sometimes will sketch people if I'm looking at them. It's stupid. It's dumb. It's nothing. Can I see the sketches? Yeah. It's just one'm looking at them. It's stupid. It's dumb. It's nothing. Can I see the sketches? Yeah, it's just one of my fellow employees.

It's stupid. I can't stress to your dummies. Now, this sketch is terrible. But on the backside, it says here, orange pot, chili. Oh, there is the menu. Oysters. Cooked beef tartare, which we need to change a few things there, and a foie gras. So right there, you had the menu the whole time.

Well, I would like that bat, because the drawing I made is of Chip, and one day maybe it'll give it to him, but I won't, probably. Can I give some advice? Tell him how you feel. Who? Chip. Chip from the Tell Him How I Feel? Um, hey, Chip! No, not now, not now. My stomach kind of hurts! Not in that way.

Don't tell him at every given moment. Tell him how your heart feels. Hey, Chip, I have pretty bad heartburn right now. Closer. And then add dot dot dot for you. My heartburn's for you. Chip, you gave me the heartburn! No, no, no.

You stressed me out, Chip. I'm playing Red Rover. Can you shut up? Thank you so much, and I hope you learned something today, sir. Thank you for your time, and I, you're welcome. I will sign a waiver here.

You can use my name and likeness when you teach people how to be ladies in the future. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, yeah. And she just goes to take a nap under the table he was sitting in. Beef, my good man. Now, listen, your act has potential. There's a lot of raw elements that could be cobbled together into something special. That's great news.

Yes. What I would say is rely less on the audience. Have you ever been to see stand-up comedy? Who? There's a thing in the deep west called stand-up comedy. Oh, the deep west. No, that's dark magic. That's scary stuff. That scares me.

It is scary because the audience typically won't sit in the first few rows because they're afraid of being picked on. They're afraid of being called up on stage or called out by their appearance or personality. Now, what I want you to do is I want you with pure confidence, with the confidence of a sociopath, I want you to sing

a song without asking for any volunteers, without commenting to the audience, without checking in to see if it's okay or people are enjoying it. Just sing a song ten seconds even. I could... Home God, I miss

home And tears just start to waterfall down Kahoot's cheeks. God, I miss home. And tears just start to waterfall down Kahoot's cheeks. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Wow, Beef is doing so bad, he made him cry. Don't tell the others, but you, my friend, you, my tiny little hunk of beef yes you are the gem of this restaurant you know thank you for saying that yes don't change a thing just sing that 10 seconds over and over ad nauseum oh you got it you got it mr cahoots please call me dude. May I ask you a question, Mr. Dude? Yes, as long as it's not about me being a cat.

Okay. Can I ask you another question? It seems like you're pivoting. What's your favorite part about the fancy feast? Typically, it's the atmosphere is number one. The atmosphere, of course, being how the people feel, how the staff is working together and separately and as a unit. So I think just the overall atmosphere is the absolute best part. You should be a wedding coordinator. Well, I'm the dean of a charm school.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing quite well. Do you have open enrollment yes i do here's here's my card and uh cahoots coughs uh four or five times and then a little card and then a little card comes up here's my card beef takes it and puts it intertwines it into his chest hair you're the coolest guy I think I've ever, I've ever met. And you're the most talented guy I have definitely ever met.

Keep doing you. Well, well, well. And then there was us, huh? Oh, actually, I'd like top shelf, top shelf, top shelf. Okay. All right.

Gonna have to get a stool. All right. And then I'm going to have to put a box on that stool. And then I'm going to have to put a glass on the box on the stool. And then I'm going to have to put. Oh, this is the real lady who swallowed the fly. Listen, always lead with the top shelf liqueur. If you offer well drinks, people will buy them because they're cheapest.

But if you make the top shelf seem alluring, even backlighted with candles, it will pop at their eyes. They'll be like, ooh, what is this charming thing up here? Versus looking in the middle or bottom where the cheapest liqueurs reside. See, we kind of do it backwards. So up there is actually bottles of moss. It's just bottles of moss.

Moss? The applesauce? Yes, the applesauce. So it's just fermenting applesauce up there. Oh, interesting, interesting. Once a year we have a moss sauce boss fest, and Heath and I go down to the basement, and we drink a bunch of fermented applesauce, and we wrestle for about 16 hours. Oh, perfect. First, going off what you just said, you said we do things backwards here. Is that what you said? We do things backwards. So you rewinded yourself.

So what I would say is if versus trying to change you, let's lead with your strengths. Your strengths are you do things backwards. So what I would say is if you're the bartender here, start offering a backwards martini. What you do is you put the martini in the glass, you put a coaster over the top, you flip it upside down, then you take an olive, you splice it in an X to make it look like a splayed anus. You put that on the bottom of the glass, right? I'm writing this down. Splayed anus. It's called the bottoms up because when your bottom is up, you are technically splaying your anus. I love this guy. Hey, this is actually my time.

This is my time. Beef, beef. Beef, chalice. Yeah, we grab him by the stomach again. Start to make the menu, the drink menu, work for you versus working against you.

If things are done backwards, use that to your advantage. Number two, and this is something I don't know if we can change. You have the saddest eyes. No, I've heard that often. Yes. So let's lean into that strength, right? Okay.

Versus trying to hide it and put on a smile. Why don't you just hunch your back ever so slightly, hunch your shoulders, to hide it and put on a smile, why don't you just hunch your back ever so slightly, hunch your shoulders, and as you rub down the bar off a drink menu, commiserate with the patrons. Say, like, how's it going, old chap? Rough week? If you say rough week, they will probably agree. They'll concur. Yes, it was a rough week, because the secret is everyone's going through something. Everyone. Everyone's going through some shit. Okay, let me just practice.

Okay, so I'm wiping. I'm wiping. I'm putting on my sad voice. Yes. Don't wipe away your tears. Wipe the bar. Wipe the bar. Um, have you seen my wife?

Great. I have this one picture of her. I just have this one picture. Look at it. Look at it. Please. Please. I'm like shoving your face into the picture.

Please tell me you've seen her. Okay. Please tell me you've seen her recently. Okay. Pull back. Pull back. Pull back. Pull back.

Too, too fragile. Too fragile. Too fragile. All right. Yes. So maybe hold up the picture of your wife, but hold it back by you. Okay. And just say, this is the woman I lost.

What did you lose this week? People don't want to be detectives. When they sit down for a drink, they don't want to be detectives. They don't want to find your missing wife. Okay. So allow them to open up organically about their own issues, their own problems. So invite them to a conversation in a manner such as I suggested that you did not necessarily follow, but you were closer. So just kind of like normal things like, are you a bounty hunter sent by my wife to find me?

Don't accuse. A bounty hunter. But say it jokingly. Say it jovially. Ooh, bounty hunter. Ha ha. Better. Better.

Perfect. I didn't mean this. Yes. And then clinkies, we share a drink. The first one's free. And then you charge them after that. First one's free, and then splayed anus. Okay, I think I got it.

Yes, perfect. And remember, when your workers come to you for help, don't always give it to them. If you step in to put out all their little fires, and can I just say, everyone here is constantly starting little fires. That needs to end. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of my fault. I give people matches for their birthdays, so that's kind of on me. That is 100% on me. Take that safety net away, so

when one of your employees falls and fails, they will pick themselves up and be stronger for it. Okay. Oh, oh, oh dear. Oh, they're everywhere. Oh, they're crawling up my legs. Oh, okay. Hard at work or hardly working, right? Okay. So Jennifer, can I, can I ask you quickly, just as a little aside? Yeah. What's up, Jeff? How do, no, I'm sorry. I'm, you were back here while I, I am, I'm now cahoots. I am back to being Cahoots. Jeff was a temporary visage. Got it, got it. It has dissipated.

First things first, how do I address the 200 rats? Oh, you just scream rats, and typically they'll look up. But yeah, you've got their attention. I mean... That's not offensive to yell rats at them? No, no, no, no. Sometimes it gets confusing because people make a mistake and go,

ah, rats, and then everyone looks. But other than that, we're pretty good. Of course. Let me just take this napkin off the counter here, tie that around my mouth

because I'm drooling severely. Okay. Now, even though I look like a bandit, please know I'm just trying to... Some of this food we're cooking up is getting you a little hungry, I see. Um, sure. Sure, the food. Yes, the food. The moving food.

These perfect 200 little pieces of... Oh, anyway. Okay, so you are the chef. Now, the menu is the promise of what's to come. The food is the actual substance, the actual payoff, right? Right, yeah. Can you walk me through the kitchen? And I see all these pots boiling. Can you walk me through some of the dishes and can I have a little taste? Yeah, of course. One quick favor, though. I see you've got my sous chef in your paw and you're bringing him closer and closer to your gaping ma. I actually need him to be working right now.

Oh, sous. Susan, I am so sorry. Let me put you down here. On your way, as you were. Yeah. Oh, it seems I nicked off a bit of her ear let me just nibble that i can't hear out of this ear oh then it's it's great that i took it off on your way so let's give you a bowl cut oh my god it looks terrible

okay yes let's let's uh taste some some dishes Let's start with the main thing we got going on in the kitchen right now, which is a giant pot of orange. So let me just get a little spoon. Here you go. Okay. I'm back in the mouth. I'm back in the mouth. Get me out of here. How did she get back in there?

My apologies. On your way. I cut off a smidge of your tail. Okay. Okay. So you call this orange pot. Now, it has no flavor of citrus. Why do you call it orange pot?

Just because the color is orange. I don't know why it is. Beats me. Okay. So you start with boiling water. Walk me through what you add to this pot. Okay. So, God, it's going to be hard to remember. You start with boiling water. Walk me through what you add to this pot. Okay, so...

God, it's going to be hard to remember. I think that over in the corner, there was some old green stuff. I believe you would probably know that as kibosh. And then over here, there was a bunch of... I think it might have been something that someone ate and was in their stomach and then came back up out into our world. And then we kind of put that in.

And let's see. Again, the next thing we got going on is, well, you're pretty lucky because it's kind of an experiment that we've been working on back here. And you're going to be kind of the guinea pig. experiment that we've been working on back here and um you're gonna be kind of the guinea pig so uh if you wouldn't mind taking that um handkerchief over your mouth and putting it over your eyes using a kind of blindfold perfect um okay i'm just gonna cut a little slice of it and then um i'm going to approach your mouth um okay. Yeah, be careful. Careful. Be careful. Be careful. Be careful.

Interesting. This is actually quite brilliant. This is, it kind of evolves as it sits on the tongue. It kind of lingers and expands and flourishes on the palate. This is brilliant. This is one of, oh dear, this is reminding me of home. I'm starting to tear up again. I'm having a flashback to when I was a little boy and my mother would cook for me at home. Oh dear. Cahootch, the pie's ready.

Yes, Mama. Here you go, little Cahootch. Oh, my heart. I'm dying. Did I give you heartburn again, Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama? Who's Mama?

Oh, Chalice. Sorry. I was just having a flashback. Chalice, can I borrow you for one second? Yeah, I just came in to make sure you're not eating anyone in here. Oh, just tidbits here and there. Chalice, now, you and I agree you're a full-size grown human. Sure, I'm an elf, but I see what you mean. Oh, just tidbits here and there. Chalice, now, you and I agree you're a full-size grown human. Sure, I'm an elf, but I see what you mean.

Oh, elf! I'm sorry. Yes, the bowl cut now reveals the top of your ears. Now, listen, Jennifer, do you mind if I try an experiment of my own? Of course, yeah. What do you mean? Why does Susan have my haircut? I'm going to put Chalice under your chef hat.

Is that okay, Jennifer? Chalice is going to go under my hat? I'll crush her. That's why it's called an experiment. We're trying things. Okay, now let's just pull down this hat. It's not really giving any stretch. There it goes.

Now, Chalice, I want you, because you are the server, and you need to make sure things come out in a timely manner, I want you to pull on Jennifer's hair and direct her around the kitchen. Okay. Jennifer, can you breathe? Jennifer's silent. Okay, get off, get off, get off, get off, get off, get off.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, that's what... You almost killed Jennifer! Oh, no., get off. Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, that's why. You almost killed me. Oh, no. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. That's why they're called experiments and not successes.

So we'll scratch that. We'll scratch that. I just, I have one more dish to show you, actually. Yes, of course. Okay, and then, so this is dessert. It's just a pretty standard creme that we created. It's kept very cool. And I'll take a little spoon here.

And I'm going to walk up your shoulder. And I'm sorry, when I was getting crushed by Chalice, I kind of got rubbed into some of the butter and the oil that was all over the kitchen floor. So I apologize for that. It probably stinked to high hell. I got a little burn because there's so many open flames around. A little hot, but let me just waft right under your nose.

Oh, and Jennifer standing on you has tenderized your little body. Oh, you're like a little fillet. Actually, I really want you to take in the smell, so I'm going to stand on your tongue and put this under your nose real quick. Uh-huh. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. I think I'm inside his world.

Well, everyone, it's time to be heading out. See you tomorrow. Where's Jennifer? Where's anyone? Where is anyone? That's anyone? Where is anyone? That's true. You're just a player. Good point.

So are we doing the fancy feast or not? You're going to do the fancy feast and you're going to crush it. You're all going to be, ah, ah, ah. You're all going to, ah, ah, ah. You're all going to, ah, ah, ah. Oh, are you all right? Oh, yeah, sorry. Just working through some digestion.

I get that. I'm trying to escape and I don't know if I should go up or down. I don't know what to do. Least path of resistance here. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Oh, can I just say to everyone, gather around, everyone, gather around. Quickly, quickly, quickly. Pay no attention to the tiny little hands pressing against the inside of my stomach.

That's a little trick I picked up at charm school. It's just a fun little dance we do. It's coming out. It's coming out. It's coming out. She's burst through my stomach. Oh, I just went straight out. You freaking ate Jennifer, you piece of shit. No, no.

You know what? You're the piece of shit. What? And you, and you, and all of you. Stop pointing at me four times in a row. Can I just say, besides beef, everyone here is the dumbest fucking idiot, most charmless, gormless pieces of trash I've ever tried to assist. You are idiots.

So, are we on or off for tomorrow? Your friend, your friend practically danced into my stomach. She covered herself in herbs and oils and bounced on my tongue like it was a diving board. What was I to do? No excuse. I'm not going to save this guy's life. He has a big gaping wound. I'm not going to save him.

You know what? I'll be fine. I'm a sorcerer. I'll figure life. He has a big gaping wound. I'm not going to save him. You know what? I'll be fine. I'm a sorcerer. I'll figure out something. Good day to all of you. Wait, where are you going? Where are you going to go? I'm going to a little tavern called Anywhere But Here.

Good day. Where's that? And Cahoots storms out with his entrails tailing behind him. The next day, it's the fancy feast and now everyone is actually inside bottoms up a bunch of fancy different individuals are here dressed to the nines um ready for a fine dining experience that they expect every year at the fancy feast so this is going to be the way that this is going to work as far as the game mechanics of this section. Every time one of y'all make a mistake that would show that you are not a fine dining establishment,

I'm going to roll a d20. And whatever the roll is will get added to a total. And if the total reaches 100, it'll be considered a fail by Sir Lavish Funfrufru. Oh, no. Cool? Yep.

Okay, cool. And so now the fancy feast is on and people are still coming through the doorway. And Chip, that's kind of where you've been posted up. So we can start with you. Okay, so I assume this, we have the correct address for the fancy feast? Good morrow, fair gentles. May I perhaps pardon upon your identification?

Wow, what a handsome and polite bouncer, doorman even. Even though my skin is green? No comment. That's really none of my business. You're just another citizen. I respect you as an equal. Ah, yes, well, right this way. Please take any seat that you may choose.

Makes me feel young again. Thanks for checking it. Ah, you do look young, little boy. Well, okay. That was kind of weird okay let me take a gold coin and put this into his uh shirt pocket as a tip and i take a copper piece and return it oh change wow so uh what did you roll for that exchange with them? A five. Okay. I rolled a five. Pretty good. But the next person who's in line to come in the bar is actually Sir Lavish Von Frufru himself.

Okay. Greetings. Good morrow, fair gentle. How are you this eve? Oh, I am excited to see this disaster unfold. I'm sorry. I don't understand. Oh, oh, you wouldn't, would you, simple-minded boy?

Well, I'm sorry. What did you just call me? Oh, no. A simple-minded boy? Should I address you as something else? Can I see your ID? Can I see your ID? Can I see your ID? Come on. I'm Sir Lavish Von Frufru. Yeah, we need an ID

because this is a bar and you need to give me your ID. Um, let's see. I hope I... Okay, here it is. And date of birth? Uh, March 20th, 1992. 1992. Uh-oh. Okay. Well, here, you can have this back and i kick i kick him inside too oh this is going worse than i thought splendid what was the uh what's the damage on that one uh 16 oh yeah so then sir

lavish fun frou frou walks in and then he sees his old friend, Cahoots. Oh, Cahoots, good man, should we just exchange the gold now? I mean, this is pretty much over for you by the looks of it. I suppose so. Unless, oh, if by some saving grace everyone can pull their shit together, I will have won. Your table is ready uh chalice has styled her bowl cut up uh somehow it's like just one sort of cylinder on top of her head it's in the shape of a chalice and she uh has like broken a bunch of glass uh around the tavern to create a fancy outfit.

Hello, I'm Chalice. I will be your waitress for today. Can I start you off with any... Yes, let's see. I think I'll start with the house red. Yes, of course. Right away and for you, sir. I believe I'll have the upside down martini. Yes, of course.

Chalice walks over, gets both of those drinks and everything seems to be going well. She brings it back. And right as she's placing them down, they shatter into a million pieces and spill everywhere. And I'm so sorry. So sorry. And then she reaches up and grabs Fru Fru's tie and cahoots

because she panics and starts wiping down the mess that she made with their ties. But she pulls so hard that both of their heads slam down on the table in the glass. I rolled an 18. There's glass embedded in my forehead oh the stage lights come on and beef steps onto the stage and he's holding his mic uh you know today today was a

good day i would say i made some new friends and i made some old friends. Or my old friends were always my friends. I love my friends. This is dedicated to them. Home. God, I want to go home. But home isn't here. It's over over there how do i get there home with you and he goes down the steps and he he puts out his hand to to a lady in the front row who are my home god damn it and she puts her hand in his hand and they start slow dancing oh and he's wearing the microphone he has is one of those like those like gaming microphones so he has use of

both of his hands and they're dancing and he twirls her and he sits her back down you all are my home and then he lifts up into the air and he flings around

and he sprinkles glitter on everybody and then he lands back down and he says, thank you so much for being here. Everything's free tonight. Have a good time. No, no, no, no. Sorry.

No, sorry. Not supposed to be, not supposed to be your safety net because then you won't learn but uh uh everything is very much uh in 40 lobsters 50 lobsters oh my god we're absolutely fucked back here in the kitchen oh god We can't keep up with that. Beef, what did you roll? Did you roll? I rolled a seven. Oh. Yeah, so I figured it had to go well. That did, and I think it did.

Very well for the patrons. I think they would be pleased. Okay, all right. I'm coming to the... Actually, we're actually charging 1.2 times the normal price on everything. So kind of the opposite. So everything's at a 20% premium tonight. So the opposite...

One lobster, one lobster, one lobster. One lobster. See? All right. Jennifer, we got this. We got this. All right. All right.

Now to make some prickly conversation with some people. Hi, I woke up screaming this morning. Did you have a nightmare last night? I'm sorry, are you talking to me? I'm talking to anyone that'll listen to me right now. All right, I woke up screaming this morning. Who also woke up screaming this morning? I'm sorry, I don't speak common,

and I think there might be a miscommunication between us. Okay. So Lavish Von Frufru is the name, and is this your establishment? I'm the owner. Name's on the deed. Indeed. Now. And I put both my hands on your face.

That was so good. You see Cahoots undo his money bag and start to count out the coin he's going to have to pay. Chalice comes running out of the kitchen. Sorry, you all said like 20 lobsters, 30 lobsters. And then you said one lobster. And I'm trying to do the math in my head. And then just like the most blood there's ever been. Oh, my God.

Just sort of like, it doesn't even, it looks like a waterfall is flowing through her. Just so much blood everywhere. Just covers the table. How many lobsters? And I rolled 17. Ben, what did you roll? I rolled 19. Oh, we're good.

So Lavish Van Frufru leans over uh two cahoots and goes oh my good man just so you know between you and i if i were going to rate tonight as far as the event is going zero being fantastic 100 being disaster i would say we're at about an 82. We've got some wiggle room. I can live with that. So wait, did I win the bet? No, it's very clear that there's still at least 45 seconds on the clock, and I think dessert's about to come out. And Cahoots is starting to look a little nervous. His eyes are kind of darting around. And he very, very subtly takes out all of his claws.

And they start to elongate and elongate and elongate until they almost look like little wands. And he sort of sorcels a spell while being very subtle. Like he's kind of rotating his wrist while his cape is kind of half covering his hand. So he's being as subtle as possible. And he's sort of sorcelling to where time moves slower. So that maybe not time moves slower because then everything's in slow motion. But he sorcels in a way to where time extends a little bit, to where there's a little bit more wiggle room for the staff to clean up their act. And just as you say that chip a Hoy,

now that all the patrons are in, he comes ice skating or rollerblading through as like gracefully as you've ever seen chip a Hoy do anything in his entire life. He's he like goes through into the kitchen and comes out with a stack of plates, a stack of plates filled with all the foods ordered he's shuffling them like cards and i started throwing them into people's like hands who are just they're just hands are out and the plates are just landing in their hands some of them

go right into the mouth and it's like the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life exactly what i ordered delicious i didn't even have to chew. And I, right in front of Chalice, and I say, Chalice, I have to tell you how I feel. Are you a little sleepy too?

This has been a really overwhelming couple days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I see your ID? What? Oops. And then I just keep going. See my ID. We're close friends.

Dessert is served. And then a bunch of well-dressed rats scurry across to the different tables and present a dessert. scurry across to the different tables and present a dessert. But when they open up the dishes, they reveal them. There was a covering over all of them. You recognize that it's just some of the orange from the orange pot from earlier.

Jennifer rolled a 16. Oh, no. No, Jennifer. Not a whole lot of room for anything else. Which means y'all are at a 16. Oh no. No, Joker. Not a whole lot of room for anything else. Which means y'all are at a 98. I think we're gonna be okay. I will say, I rolled a

zero, which is why I was You did so well, I think. Yes, which is why I was gracefully going about. We just need zeros from here on out. Easy. Clink, clink, clink, clink clink clink clink clink clink and and everybody shut up as his claw hits um the glass it makes the most pristine beautiful sound to where everyone like kind of sizes if they're in love like that's how pure and clean the sound is

clink clink clink clink clink everyone i just would like to thank you for attending the fancy feast i feel like everyone here has done their due diligence, has put forward their best foot, has exceeded effort that they needed to make tonight a smashing success. And I can say without a hint of doubt that tonight is the most bountiful, the most beautiful, the most perfect fancy feast I have ever attended. And I believe that's all due to atmosphere. The atmosphere created by these folks serving you, working the door, cooking for you. These people, as of late last night, early this morning, these people were garbage.

Terrible. They didn't know what they were doing. They were practically tripping over their own idiotic thoughts and feet. But they have come together. They have put aside their idiocy. They've put aside their differences. Chalice is looking behind her because there's no way he's talking about her. To become the perfect, the perfect service, the perfect doorman, the perfect entertainment, the perfect manager, the perfect cooks. Everyone did their job. They worked together and succeeded.

And I can say, as dean of I'm Sure Academy, Charm School, I would be proud to call any of these people my students. And I welcome them with free admission if they ever choose to attend, but truly no need because you've all graduated with an A- in my book. Beef A- for you, but everyone else A-. So Adam, what did you roll? 18.

Oh my god. Now I'm going to have you roll for something different. I'm going to roll for Constitution. Can you give me a Constitution roll? And then we'll say there's a zero plus zero modifier on it. Seven. Okay. So as everyone's cheering and toasting to that amazing speech, you feel something in your stomach again.

And we see someone from the audience goes, what? Is there a hand marks on his stomach what is what is that oh no not again doubled over and three different rats wearing little chef hats explode out of your stomach oh my god what a fucking weirdo coming in here oh come. I told you we should have let him die in our house. I've been holding in all of my farts. Let him rip, beef. Let him rip, beef. And then Chalice takes out her birthday matches and starts lighting little fires.

Get out. Get out, everybody. Get the fuck out of here. No, get out. And as Cahoots is slowly dying on the floor of the restaurant, he just looks at everyone and winks and raises a martini glass and says, bottoms up. Takes a sip and then dies. Wow. Well, thank you, everyone, for coming.

Truly, this was the most fun I've ever had. I'm going to have to try to revive this man. Please, I'm going home. It's been a late night, but revive this man so I can get my money tomorrow. I think we still won the bet, didn't we? I mean, you don't think that his stomach exploding with rats on the table? No, because time was up. I think you owe us a little bit.

Also, when he died, half this crowd cheered. I don't know what the relationship with you guys are like, but a lot of people have really enjoyed that. Are you guys related? Me and the, I'm a human and he's mostly cat. And? And. And yes, we are cousins.

Okay, so we get the gold then, I think is the bottom line. Actually. Well, I'll see you all in court. And we smash cut to the next morning where you're in court the king's court and the king says you owe them money thank you

yay we did it I'm ruined haircut let's give the judge a haircut yay Haircuts! Haircuts! Let's give the judge a haircut! Yay! Hey everybody, this week on the Patreon we have Happy Hour Part 3 coming out. We're going to be drinking drinks and telling stories and having a lot of laughs.

You can check that episode out and all of our other episodes at patreon.com slash sitcomdnd. That's patreon.com slash sitcomd and D that's patrion.com slash sitcom D and D. See you there. Sitcom D and D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, lead man, sewer,

and me, Sean coil. And a big thank you to our very special guests. The one, the only adult refi. If you want to listen to more adult, which who doesn't, then you can subscribe to his other podcast. Hello from the magic tavern. And Hey, riddle wherever you get podcasts arnie parrot wrote the theme song and sean meager

did the editing on this one we got some plugs our first plugs ever on the pod this one is for the la friends if you're around la this saturday april 16th, come see Illuminati Hour hosted by our very own Elizabeth Andrews. Elizabeth obviously plays Beef on the show. And a friend of the pod, Damon Royster. It's got improv, music, stand-up, and silly times. Tickets are $8. The doors open at 9 p.m. and the show starts at 9.30 p.m. at the Yard Theater. The doors open at 9 p.m. and the show starts at 9.30 p.m. at the Yard Theater.

We're going to post a link to the show's Instagram in the show notes and you can get all your info and tickets there. So the next plug is for my comic book. I co-created a comic book that is fantasy and sci-fi and you can kind of think of it like Game of Thrones meets Hunger Games. The art style is absolutely incredible. Gotta plug Chris Kirk, the lead artist on this. I think this comic really sells itself once you see the artwork. And I'd love for you to check out our Kickstarter. It's for issue two, but you can still get issue one on there. The Kickstarter only is open for a limited number of days, and we only have that amount of time to hit our goal so check out the reward tiers and see if any of those catch your eye it would also probably help if i

said the name of it the name of the comic is skyless and it's about two best friends neil and alina and their quest to restore the natural sky to a dystopian earth so we're gonna also put the link to the skylist number two Kickstarter in the show notes as well. So check it out if that sounds like it's something that would be up your alley. I think that's it for now. Until next week.

And thanks as always for listening. That was a hate gun podcast