SitcomD&D - S2 E1: Bachelforget Party

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

The gang decides to throw Chalice a surprise bachelorette party that she'll never forget, but this proves to be more difficult than they imagined due to some unforeseen circumstances...  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Outro Theme cover by Nebulucas: Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast i got my ears pierced looks great did it hurt it hurt about as much as like a shot hurt maybe a little bit more than like a shot you screamed like a little school girl i bet well i screamed i got my shot so yeah and they they parlayed this with your COVID booster, right? It was an ear pierce COVID booster. That's right. Yeah, okay, cool. You just stick it right through.

All the way through. Yeah, I did not get vaccinated at all. Dripped out the other side. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D Season 2, Episode 1. Woo! It sounded scripted, so I was like, I didn't want to... It sounded so scripted, I was like, I'm going to ruin it. Yeah, it was a gamble. It was a gamble to pause that long.

I'm glad it paid off. And then there was me, who was a gamble. It was a gamble to pause that long. I'm glad it paid off. And then there was me who was like, Oh, what a start. I am very excited to see Beef again. So let's get to it. Same. I wonder what he's up to. For those of you just tuning in,

Sitcom D&D is a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience where each episode our cast of characters struggle to keep the lights on and the doors open to their beloved tavern and inn, Bottoms Up. And today, we're going to pick up inside Bottoms Up, where it's business as usual for the bar, which means almost no business at all. The bar is pretty much empty. which means almost no business at all.

The bar is pretty much empty. And it feels even emptier than usual because Chalice isn't down at the bar. You guys notice she's been spending a lot of time up in her room lately and she's been seeming a bit distant and sad. The most popular theory on this is that she's feeling melancholy because her fiancé, Jalpert, has often been away on royal business. But it's not all bad news here. In fact, Seb is about to return to the bar after successfully paying off the bar's Season 1 debts

to That's So The Raven and the bank. So let's pick up right before Seb makes his entrance into Bottoms Up. All right, quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous

on another happy day we're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end so cheers to all our family and our friends starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy,

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, so I am going to swing open the door, and I will use my wild shape feature and go, who let the dogs out? And I am a border collie, and I go, and I come in, and I'm like, we did it. We paid them off.

Everybody, let's party. Oh, Seb, Seb, I'm like, we did it! We paid him off! Everybody, let's party! Oh, Seb, Seb, I'm so glad you're back. I got both my hands stuck in Pringles cans. I'm too happy. I'm too happy. Cool. Elizabeth, you have to explain what Pringles are in our world. Pringles, they're delicious. They're a delicious dessert. You can only get at the bodega down the street from miss hannigan

the villain from the musical annie not in my not in my eyes she's a wonderful woman that gives me dessert tans wait i'm looking in here if you just let go of the Pringles, you can free your hand. You just have to let go of the Pringles. Wait, is this a tube and you're holding on to your other hand? Like, one hand is in one side and the other hand

is in the other side and you're just holding on to your hand? Well, I mean, I never thought of it like that. Beef, let go of your damn hand. I don't know how. Hey, guys, don't mind me. I'm just down here for another Pringles can.

And then Chalice puts like eight Pringles cans and several snacks. And she looks like for sure disheveled. And like she hasn't seen the sun yet today. And then she puts her head down and goes back upstairs. Oh, shit. Oh, man man i missed her i mean hey this is like a really happy time i know we just paid off all the debts we had oh yeah congrats sab nice yeah no problem i'm still a dog though i just want to make sure

everybody that's cool that is that feels new and sorry i didn't mention this you're a dog now that's new. Yeah. Yeah. We were kind of caught on the Pringles thing and kind of, you know, flushing out where those come from the bad guy's house. So you're always a dog? Is this like a shaggy dog type of situation? No, it's just about an hour in time.

Okay. I've been using it for different stuff. I was our secret shopper a few weeks ago. That was you? Yeah. And you guys just shooed few weeks ago. That was you? Yeah. And you guys just shooed me out. You said, hey, hey, and you started clapping your hands at me. You were a big bat biting people. Okay. I was a hungry, hungry bat wanting

beer and ale. I mean, that's secret shopper. You're right. We shouldn't shoo out bats that want to patronize our facility. That's so fair. That's so fair. That's true. And you guys, I mean, you know, Seb's not the only one who's got new stuff going on. I mean, it's been a bit of a break,

so notice anything different about me? Did you shave the word butt into your butt? I've had that forever, Chip. I pierced my ears. Oh, my God. Jennifer, I didn't even, oh my god Jennifer I didn't even I'm so sorry we didn't even notice you look delicious

as always but those earrings really put you over the top yeah I'm feeling good I mean we paid off our debts I'm ready to freaking party but I don't know do you guys notice how freaking Chalice has been pretty down in the dumbs lately yeah it feels like she wouldn't be up for a party I don't know. Do you guys notice how freaking Chalice has been pretty down in the dumps lately? Yeah, it feels like she wouldn't be up for a party.

What if we made it so she had to party? Okay, but how do you make someone party? Well, she's getting married, right? Right. Yeah, that's true. Surprise bachelorette party, motherfuckers. Whoa. Whoa. The language. It'll get bleeped maybe

depending on who's editing oh oh a surprise bachelorette party okay well the wedding's right around the corner right or is it or is? Or is it not? It is. I mean, like, relatively, probably this season. Now, what is a bachelorette party? It sounds delicious. Maybe we should start there. Yeah, what is that? It's a time to celebrate with your best friends before you take a very big step in the book of your life.

I forgot to say big chapter. I kind of mixed my metaphors. It's when you take the next big chapter in the story of your life. Is it going to be weird if I'm there? Wait, why would it be weird if you're there? I mean, it wouldn't be. There's no reason for it to be weird.

You guys are like really close. You guys are like the best of friends. Yeah, that's true. I think it would be weird if you weren't standing right beside her as she was getting the knot done. I'm going to do what I think it would be weird if you weren't standing right beside her as she was getting the knot done. I'm going to do what I can

to make sure you guys hold hands throughout, all right? Throughout the wedding or just tonight? We'll start with tonight, but we'll see. We'll see.

The bestest of friends should be holding hands and Beef's already trying to hold everyone's hands, but he can't because his hands are still in the

burglars' hands. Just let go because his hands are still in the purple stance. Just let go of your hands. Just grab the tube. It'll be easier this way. I'm still a dog. Does someone want to go grab Chalice? Because I actually already had an idea.

Is it going to be awkward if I'm the one that grabs Chalice? What are you on about? I mean, no, yeah. There's no reason for it to... I'll go grab her. awkward if i'm the one that grabs chalice what are you on about i mean no yeah i mean it wouldn't there's no reason for it to i'll go grab her oh yeah i'll go grab her chalice yeah is the hungry bat back do you need my help no thank you for taking care of that last time um but we actually have a um not a surprise not a surprise not you don't have a surprise yes are you talking about yes uh there's a bunch of like a stuff that's not for you downstairs and we haven't even set anything up yet okay well chip it sounds like you have it handled. Chip, Chip, maybe she gave you an excuse right off the bat.

You said no and then came up with nothing. You're right. Oh, no, the bat's back. Oh, we need your help. All right, I might not do a good job, though, but I'll try my best. And Chalice grabs the broom handle that she's sharpened that's by her bed for just uh silly nonsense like this and she's just sort of in a daze

and grabs her hand and lets you lead her out of the room okay chip leads her downstairs okay guys what are we going to do? Surprise! Chalice throws the broom as hard as she can. At what? At them in their general direction. Roll a d20, then. I got a seven. It just impales into the bar, kind of in between everyone. Whoa, surprise, Chalice.

Did you guys get me a puppy? Oh my God, you got me a puppy that actually means so much to me. Just go with it, Seb. Just go with it, yes. I haven't seen her smile in months. You gotta go with it. I'm a silly dog.

Hi, and he talks too. I love him. Yeah, and weirdly, he kind of sounds a little bit like Seb, but you could just see it. All right, I'm going to bite the broom post. I'm going to take it out, and I'm going to take it over to Chalice wagging my tail, and I'm going to put it on the ground

like we're about to play catch or something. Oh, hi. What should I name him? Seb, maybe. I feel like that'll get confusing, Beef. What do you think? And Chalice, that's not all. Okay, we've got a ton of different stuff planned for you

because it's your bachelorette party. Surprise! It's your bachelorette party. Surprise! Surprise! It's your bachelorette party. I mean, it's your bachelorette party. It's your bachelorette party. Chalice looks behind her

because she goes, what? My bachelorette party? Yeah, for you, silly. Yeah, you get married and we love you. For your big fancy day. My wedding's not until the end of the season. This feels a little early.

No time like the present. Okay. Speaking of present, is someone outside? What the heck? And then just then, a few hunky patrolmen struck into Bottoms Up. Hey, hey, hey. Hi, boys. One of them

booms, we heard there was a noise complaint and Jennifer screams Yeah, we weren't making enough noise. Hit it, boys. Are we in trouble? The guards just stand there and look at each

other. Jennifer, did you set this up or are these actual cops? Jennifer chucks a coin at the guards. Beef, play some music. Let's go, boys. Start stripping. Oh, are these... Jennifer chucks a coin at the guards. Beef, play some music. Let's go, boys. Start stripping. Oh, my hands are indisposed,

but good thing my feet know how to play the tune of the gods. Here we go. No, this is actually just... We did get a noise complaint. You guys actually have to keep it down. Is it the dog? Oh, sorry, we have a new puppy. His name is Pringles,

and he's so, so sweet. What the freaking heck? I set this up. I called the noise complaint, and you guys aren't even taking off their clothes. Guys, what the hell's going on here? You called in an actual noise complaint on us, Jennifer? Yeah, that's how this works. Even I know that.

Well, okay. Sorry, boys. Hit the bricks. We've got a party to throw. Unless we want them to join? Probably not. They're not really our friends. No, boys, hit the bricks. We've got a party to throw. Unless we want them to join? Probably not. They're not really our friends. No, no, no.

We called a preemptive sound complaint. It's about to get noisy. As you're saying this, Jennifer is like climbing up the bar shelves and then grabs a few of the more higher end bottles and starts mixing them together. Okay, let's start making a toast about how much we absolutely love Chalice and we're so happy for her. Chalice grabs a full bottle of whatever one of them is, planning to just really drink a lot, fake it till she makes it.

Oh, gosh. Hell yeah, girly. I mean, yeah, I mean, yeah, that's fun do it yeah we'll all do it together it'll be fun yeah boys wherever she goes we go if she goes into the darkness we're going with her all right you hear that chip it's not awkward that i'm here it's no why do you keep it no it's not complicated at all well just you know since I got my new girlfriend and everything, and it just feels like. Yeah, sure.

You got a new girlfriend. What's this girlfriend's name again? Well, her name is Alberta Toronto. Yeah. Right. And Chalice already a little drunk, goes, that sounds real. Thank you. She's very real.

She's a very grounded person. We've been writing to each other. The bottle smashes in Chalice's hand. I spilled. No worries, no worries. Now, to Chalice, a dear friend who would be by my side till the end. Oh, it kind of rhymed there. And, well, as they say, bottoms up.

And we're going to pick up the next morning. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh. Uh-oh. Okay. Oh, no. Okay. Oh. Okay. Oh, no. Okay.

Uh-oh. Do we have a hangover, Sean? No, I'm going to tell each of you what's going on with you as you wake up. Why don't you guys roll to see who wakes up first? So whoever rolls the highest is going to be waking up first. 12. Natural 20. Wow. 16.

4. Okay, perfect. Seb, your eyes open and you don't feel very good. You feel like you were just on a bender and you're also on the floor of the bar of Bottoms Up, not your bed.

It is very early in the morning and immediately you feel something is just kind of off. Why don't you roll for perception? 19. As you're kind of like stumbling to your feet, you catch yourself in a mirror in the bar and you look over and there's dried blood all around your mouth and you look over and there's dried blood all around your mouth

and you open your mouth and you don't have a single tooth left in your mouth oh no oh my god oh my god. That screaming wakes up Chip. Chip? Yeah? You are partying. It seems like you fell asleep mid-partying with Jonathan the Spirit Guard. Hey. You're in the cellar.

Why don't you roll for perception? 13. Cool. You have full patrolman armor on. And you're also covered in blood that you can tell is not yours, but you don't really know whose it is. Okay. And so you're probably not a good sign that you're wearing patrolman armor and covered in someone else's blood.

Chalice, you roll out of bed and you look around and your room's kind of trashed and you immediately are like, wow, I don't have any memory or recollection of last night. And why don't you roll for perception? 17. Okay, as you do your morning stretch, you notice that there's a lot of pain in your back, and you have a wall mirror in your room, and when you look,

because you're wearing, like, backless PJs, you have... Backless PJs? I was like, are we going to let Sean just say that? Yeah, no, no. Backless PJs? You have backless shoes? I was like, are we going to let Sean just say that? No, no. Backless PJs? Yeah, they're like a onesie of PJs just with the back cut out. I think it might.

Okay. Like a butt flap? No, that's canon. Is that what you're talking about? It's a full back butt flap. What the hell does that mean? It's a butt flap that goes from the nape of the neck. Down to the bottom of the neck.

To the feet. That millisecond pause after Sean said that was the most loaded silence I've ever been a part of. We were all like, I imagined it in my head before I said anything. And I was like, that's crazy what I'm seeing in my head. Also, my brain was like, Sean has seen what I'm seeing in my head. Also, my brain was like, Sean has seen me wear normal human woman pajamas before.

Sure, sure, sure. Have I ever worn backless? Maybe I have. Oh, but Chalice does. You're right. Chalice does. This is Chalice. So Chalice is wearing her backless PJs,

and when she looks in the mirror, she sees, Chalice, you have a enormous back tattoo. Oh, no. Oh, I see. It's a full back tattoo. And upon closer inspection, you freak out a bit, obviously, and get closer to the mirror. You can tell that it is the exact same tattoo that Seb has on his back.

Yes. Yes. Sounds like Dragon's Dread. Sounds like dragon's dread. Yeah, dragon's dread. Gloomweaver, dragon's dread in the abyssal language. Yes. Yes. Exactly that.

Oh, my God. Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Chalice is freaking out. Also, Chalice is so concerned that she lost her new dog, Pringles. She doesn't know where he went. she's never gonna find out she's never gonna know we'll put up posters and that screaming wakes up beef beef why don't you roll for perception as

you wake up 19 19 beef you look around you feel pretty normal yeah and everything's pretty much intact for you like that feels like a normal night out for beef um but then you hear uh with your 19 perception role another like scream kind of cry thing going on and it doesn't sound like one of the gang. It doesn't sound like one of your friends. It's actually kind of coming right next to your little sleeping area. And you look over there. And in a little wooden basket is a baby beholder. Now, if you need to look up what a beholder is, it's a kind of disgusting, many-eyed ball that has tentacles coming off of it. But it's a baby version of that monster.

And it's crying. Oh, it's so cute. One question I have, do I still have the Pringle can stuck to me? Good question. Do you want the Pringle can stuck to you? Wait, can we say you have four Pringle cans stuck to me? Good question. Do you want the Pringle cans stuck to you? Wait, can we say you have four Pringle cans stuck to you? One on each limb.

Yeah. And you have to gallop around. That sounds about right. Yes, you have four Pringles cans. One on each limb. Hey there, little buddy. Hey, hi. Am I your new daddy?

It just continues to cry and cry. Oh, you hungry? I'd like to roll another perception check, please. Five. Five. Okay, that doesn't help at all. You haven't really figured out what would make this thing stop crying, but it is. out what would make this thing stop crying.

But it is. You do see, however, there's a baby Bjorn for the beholder that you can put on so that the beholder rests gently on your tummy. Hey, little buddy. I'm going to call you Squishy Squish. And I'm going to put you right here next to my

belly like a little mom would. Hey there. You're so cute. It's scream crying and it looks absolutely hideous oh you're so cute you're dribbling droops out of your mouth how many mouths do you have you must be hungry me too i'm hungry wait i'm hungry where is everybody i'd like to make my way back to like the main bar area yeah same chalice is just gonna scream back tattoo on the top of her lungs over and over again hey sap it sounds like it sounds like chalice is calling for you okay um your mouth is...

Are you okay, buddy? It looks like you... I feel like a baby. Oh, God. What's... Oh, wait. Oh, oh. Beef.

Yeah, this is my little guy. His name's Squishy Squish. I'm thinking about putting a hat on him soon. Isn't he cute? We got to get rid of it. All right. Just put it in a box by the fire station or something. I don't know.

No. I found him! Finders keepers! Losers sleepers! Should we check on Chalice that she was just screaming loudly? Oh, yes! Oh my gosh! Yes. Chalice! Chalice! Chalice! What's going on? Chalice! Chalice! Chalice!

Look at me! What's wrong, Chalice? What's wrong? First of all, I lost the dog you gave me. I'm so sorry! Uh-oh. That's okay. I have a feeling... Yeah, it'll be back at some me. I'm so sorry. Uh-oh. That's okay. I have a feeling. Yeah, it'll be back at some point. It'll be back.

Pringles will be back. Second of all, and then Chalice swings open the door and just points to her back. Oh, that's a lovely backless PJ that you're wearing. Beautiful PJs. No, the tattoo. Oh, that's awesome.

Oh, God. Very cool. Wait, where's awesome. Oh, God. Very cool. Wait, where have I seen that before? Matt, look. Seb. Oh, Seb's also wearing his backless PJs. Perfect. No, the tattoo. Oh, the tattoo. Whoa,

the tattoos. Oh, my gosh. They line perfectly up. We're going back to back. I never knew you guys were the same height? Question mark? Does this solve a riddle of some sort that I don't know about? Why do you guys have these? I don't know. What the hell happened last

night? We didn't sleep together, did we? All of us? Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? Anybody because I'm actually, I can't because I'm actually taken now i we're not talking chip montreal vancouver doesn't need to worry about whatever the heck you did last night montreal has nothing to worry about chip okay i'm going to tell her one of these letters because

i'm honest with alberta have you ever even met her no we met via a dating service what was that called again it's uh tinder it's like a fire based dating oh yeah where everyone loves fire yeah if you if you love fire you submit your profile you write it down on a piece of parchment and you drop it into the fire and then you get matched. I've never even heard you talk about fire until you met this girl. Just by the way. Did someone say what the hell happened last night and would like a very organic and natural explanation? Is this Dr. Pip again?

It's me, Dr. Pip. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's Dr. Pip. Oh, I had forgotten about you. How? I can tell you, because I don't remember a gosh darn thing from last night after drinking one of your rat tails, rat poisons. And after doing some research on it, it looks like there might have been some piss from a halfling in there mixed with the alcohol, basically creating the equivalent of a level six forgetfulness potion.

You guys probably can't remember anything at all from the last 12 hours. I know I can't. We're never going to be able to figure out whose piss that was either. Oh, my gosh. Where's Jennifer? Oh. Oh my gosh, where's Jennifer? Oh. Oh. What?

Jennifer? Jennifer? Jennifer? Jennifer? You don't hear any response. Well, that's certainly not good. Could I maybe roll for perception? Yes.

I wish I didn't. It's a three. You just noticed Chalice's back tattoo. Oh, my God. Where have I seen that before? Oh, God. We are a mess. Dr. Pimp, were you with us all last night?

Hell, if I know. I drank the rat poison. I don't remember a thing. Wait. Do you think we slept together? Who are you talking to? Anybody. Can I roll for insight

since I'm trying to remember? You have the equivalent of a forgetfulness potion, so you will not be able to remember anything. Okay. Then I'll just do perception. Okay. I got a 16 altogether. Seb, you actually notice something. Oh, this kind of screwed up because Beef has Pringle cans on.

Quit click clacking with those things. Let me just. And I rip one off. Ow. You see on Beef's hand is actually a wedding ring. And when you inspect the wedding ring on it, engraved, it says Chop's Chapel. Chip, do you know where that might be?

Because it has some of the same letters as your name. Yeah. Most of the letters are the same. It must be the Chop guy that left all those comments. Well, that's our only lead. And also, Beef, you're married. Excuse me? No, thank you.

What? I'm not asking. He wasn't proposing. No, no, no. Look at your hand. Yeah? Other hand. Sure.

You're married. That ring. That's what that signifies. Congratulations. Well, do I get a bachelorette party? I never had one it has to come before poops

we could just count last night as yours I guess yeah that's fine I mean that was chalices you're right we don't want to have to do another one of these that was chalices well we should probably head to Chop's Chapel.

Yes. And by we, you mean without you, right? By what? By we, I meant without me. What the? And you guys are already exiting. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Cool. So you guys are on the hunt to solve the mystery of where jennifer is and you go not too far through the town square and you're at chop's chapel chop's chapel huh yeah i told you this was real you guys all thought that i wrote that note i wrote that comment the chop was a real guy he's right in here i bet in our defense all signs pointed to that being fake what because i got compliments it was

fake you know now you're gonna tell me that you think albert is fake well yeah buddy anyways so chop walks out and he looks identical to Chip, like even more so than like Oreo from across the street. The exact same, except for he's dressed like a priest. Oh my God, this guy's so hot. He's so hot. I was going to say the same thing, Chalice. Holy shit.

Wow. Get out of my mind, girl were in there wow he is so sexy chalice uh intuitively to help um her buddy beef lifts him up like under his butt so beef can get a better look yeah yes thank you and you know when you see someone hot and you just have to hold your friend's hand i grab chalice's hand as she's helping me. Hey, guys, if I wasn't taken, I'd go right after this guy, if you know what I'm saying. Wow, you guys are back. Look, there's my bounce star.

There he is. That's me. That's right. What's going on, choppy boy? Oh, what the hell? I mean, what a night last night. What an amazing time. You guys are an absolute hoot. Listen, choppy, we got to level with you. What's up? We had no idea what the hell was going on last night. We can't remember a goddamn thing.

We got rat poisoned. Do you know what happened to my dentures? We got rat poisoned. Do you know what happened to my dentures? What? No, no, no. I mean, we had a lovely wedding here and a lovely, you know, short celebration afterwards. You, where's your partner?

You're a happily married man? Don't tell me things already went south. No can do, compadre. I wish I could say that but i i literally um beef doesn't remember what yeah i have no what or who he married who how what when why oh well uh i mean i don't know if you want these then anymore but you know we we had some paintings done last night of the happily married couple. He hands it over, and it's standing

there is beef and a sandwich. Okay, so beef married a sandwich last night. Okay, what kind? And I know what you're thinking. A month-long hiatus to come back only to have beef marry a sandwich oh she's beautiful they wanted to marry me oh uh from what i could tell it was consenting

yeah i think i have a pretty solid guess of where that sandwich might be. Where? And I think we're going to see it in about 36 to 48 hours. Wait, what do you mean? Where? They went on a trip? Are they coming back? Oh, gosh. A one-way trip?

A round trip? Chip, chip, chip. Yeah, I think one way straight to the toilet. Chip, chip, chip. Oh, yeah. Wait, what do you mean? I think you could be more gentle. What do you mean in the toilet? Beef, you murdered your spouse.

What are you saying? Wait, Beef, you murdered your spouse. What are you saying? Wait, what? You murdered your spouse. Beef, you think you ate the sandwich. Well, I can say with certainty you guys left together. The sandwich wasn't eaten here. That's all I can say. And actually, I may know where you headed next,

but in order to tell you, I'd like you to do me a favor maybe in exchange. I ate my husband? Sorry, he's in shock. You can tell us. What do you need? Anything. What do you need, choppy boy?

Well, if you wouldn't mind, actually, we're trying to do some more promotional work and get the name out there of Chops Chapel. And I'd love to, well, use your likeness, you two. And he grabs Chalice and Chip and goes, if you could pose like you two are getting married and then we'll paint that up and we'll use it for promotional materials if that's all right. Oh, easy peasy. Oh. Yeah. materials if that's all right oh easy peasy oh yeah can you put a disclaimer or something in case this gets sent to my girlfriend oh my god i mean this will be mostly a local promotion so you should be you should be good there oh okay we're gonna cut to after the painting has been

done about an hour passes and they get the picture that they needed. And as he's finishing up the painting, he goes, so, I mean, the best that I can do for you guys is it sounded like you were headed to Magical Mike's, that strip club, to celebrate the new marriage

and the bachelorette party. You guys were celebrating a lot of stuff. Something about you just paid off your debt, bachelorette party. You guys were celebrating a lot of stuff. Something about you just paid off your debt, bachelorette party. Probably my new girlfriend. That really, oh yeah, you kept bringing that up. And then, well, this marriage between Beef and that turkey club. That was her name? Well, you kept calling it turkey club.

Oh, what a beautiful name turkey beef's gonna write songs about her i got a question for you chop yeah shoot did you take any other paintings of the full group do you have a full group painting yeah a lot of paintings were done but i have no idea where they're at now oh i put them in the back room to dry and, but I have no idea where they're at now. Oh. I put them in the back room to dry, and yeah, I have no idea where they're at now. I'm getting really scared. Let's go to Magical Mike's. Okay, cool.

You guys may get to Magical Mike's without a problem. It is a mid-size theater. Probably seats easily 150, 200 people. But kind of almost has like a black box feel, but you can tell there's like magical lights and stuff around too. Obviously, it's like mid-morning, almost midday. And so it's

completely empty when you guys enter. A-boom-boom-boom, let me hear you say way-o! Way-o! I love this place. The doors bang open from behind you and you hear halt right there. And a dozen patrolmen burst in.

Thank you very much. I need a man with a... Oh we're in trouble. Are we making too much noise? You're the ones who ruined our show last night. And you realize that they are, in fact, dancers and strippers wearing patrolman costumes.

Backless pajamas. Am I wearing the same stuff that they're wearing? Yeah, you are. Oh, my God. And give us our costume back there's one of them that's still just like in his he's in his backless pjs and he's like give me my costume back wait did i not finally fulfill my dream of applying to this place and getting a job oh my god you guys don't remember last night no not you have my teeth? Not a single thought. Let me fill you guys in.

You came to our show, and as soon as it started, you booed us and loudly shouted, We can do better. No surprise. When I asked you to lower your voice, you all proceeded to storm the stage and strip. Checks out. The big one, you, you became immediately self conscious and couldn't find your clothes and stole Dave's costume and left and oh you, the little one yeah you f***ed a sandwich on stage.

Checks out. Okay. Well we were married. We were married. So the sandwich was still alive while we were here. Oh and then he ate it? Oh my god. You ate your fuck sandwich. Well well well, when you left, I have to clarify,

the sandwich was still around when you left. We do know that much. Was there a rat with us when we were here? I think so. It was kind of a blur, to be honest. You know what? I'm going to write down the questions we got to start asking every time.

That's a good idea. I got self-conscious on stage? Yeah, well, it sounds about right. You got really embarrassed. Oh, probably because I felt bad about stripping you, even though I'm in a relationship. That makes sense, actually.

You know what? It all checks out now. This story sounds valid. You're writing things down. Are you trying to figure something out? Yeah. Well, I guess we can tell you where you went next, but you're going to have to figure something out? Yeah. Well, I guess we can tell you where you went next, but you're going to have to do something for us. Oh, my gosh.

This tit for tit is just not going to work for me. We keep doing it, running into this stuff. Why don't you guys get up on stage and dance while we boo you? And if it doesn't turn us on, we're not telling you anything. All right, easy. I can do this. I do this every goddamn night when I get up there. Someone hold my baby. You guys all gonna try to dance then? Oh yeah.

Okay, roll for performance. I botched. Oh, I got 22 altogether. I got a 20. Seb, even the thought of trying to be sexy, and now you're moving and gyrating, and from the night before, you just, you immediately vomit when you're on stage.

Yeah, but it just kind of rolls down. It's not projectile. Oh, this could not be going so differently for us. Three of you are looking so sexy and doing incredibly well, actually. And Seb just botched, just vomited all over himself. But again, not in a way that it's projectile, just kind of leaked out.

Very gross. And they all kind of applaud. They're like, wow, that was actually really impressive. And if any of you ever were considering about moonlighting here and doing some dancing, come back anytime. Wow, that's huge, Chip. That's huge.

That is huge. And sir, let me just run this by you really quick. Where are Seb's teeth? Do you have them? No. Whose baby is this? No idea. Who gave me this tattoo? Nope.

Where is Jennifer the rat? Who? Doesn't matter. Where's the sandwich? I don't know. You left with it. And then all of a sudden, you guys get jumped from behind. Bags get put over your head.

Everything goes black. The next thing you know, the bags are coming off of your head, and you're in a blacked-out carriage. and you're in like a blacked out carriage. All four of you plus the baby, so five of you, are sitting across from mole men from Moe's Casimo in their intimidating black suits of armor. I think I know who has Jennifer. Hey, fellas.

Where are Seb's teeth? Whose baby is this? Who gave me a tattoo? Where is Jennifer? Where is the sandwich? And whose blood is Chip covered in? And hi, how are ya? Did you forget you owe our boss Mo big money?

1,200 gold pieces to be exact. Oh, God. You were bragging all last night about how you had a new line of credit at the bank since you had just paid off your debt to That's So The Raven. Oh, no. Oh, man. So you better go visit your friend That's So

because you're going to need that money. Is that where we're heading to? You didn't answer any of the questions. How are you? You'll pay us what you owe by sundown today if you ever want to see your little friend again. Are you talking about the sandwich or Jennifer?

Yeah. Turkey Club? They'd kick you guys out. Turkey Club! Oh! So you're back on now a random street as the blacked out carriage continues down the road. Okay. I feel like we're not benefiting enough

from having Jennifer as a friend. Do we need to have this conversation? Chip! What? She would come and save us. You're right. Albertus is trying to help me get rid of all the people that make my life harder and darker, you know?

She's a bad influence if she's telling you to leave jennifer i don't know guys it's kind of fun is this how bachelorette parties are supposed to go because i'm kind of having a blast i don't know this is my first one i've not my first one too so it's yeah chalice are you having fun yeah i've been to a lot though we call them hens night and we basically just kill a bunch of chickens with our hands. I don't want to talk about it. Oh, that does feel similar. Girlies be crazy. Yeah, Jennifer was kind of running the show and it seems like maybe this is all going the way it's expected.

So should we go to the bank? Sorry, Seb. No, it's okay. It's going to just keep happening and I'm starting to realize that I'm part of the problem. So let's go. And I'm starting to realize that I'm part of the problem. Let's go. Okay, you guys make it to that's those branch of the bank, which appropriately enough is on the branch of a tree.

It's hollowed out. And at this certain branch, there's a hole that that's so comes out as a bank teller would and sees you guys. Hey, what's happening, Crow? That's what you're gonna that's what you're gonna come to the table with? We're familiar. Well, you know what? I'm sorry.

I'm a little cranky. Well, I'm a little exhausted because I didn't sleep very well last night. Some drunken idiots woke me up in the middle of the night. Chalice, your questions.

We're sorry about that. Where are Seb's teeth? Whose baby is this? Who gave me a tattoo? Where is Jennifer? Where is the sandwich? And whose blood is chip covered in? And also, beef hit it. How are ya? Well, not great. Firstly, because that sandwich

that you made me tasted terrible. Yeah, it was disgusting. I don't mean to offend anyone. Chalice leans down and just starts crossing off the where's the sandwich question and going, You ate my wife? I grab a hold of beef. It was a pretty horrible experience for me. You, Seb, you said you'd give me all your teeth if I extended your loan another season.

And despite me saying that I had no interest in your teeth, you pulled them all out, covering this gentleman in blood. Chalice is also going, and then crosses out, crosses out. going and then crosses out, crosses out. Anyway, your desperation spoke to me. So ultimately, I let you extend your loan to the end of this season with an additional 10% interest. So I thought we paid off our loan. Wait, we were celebrating because we paid it off. Yeah, you did.

Then you just took it all. You withdrew it again. So I shouldn't even let you do that. You paid off the loan, which then became became the banks but I let you withdraw it again with 10% interest so you left here with 1269 gold pieces nice

and you don't know was Jennifer with us when you saw us uh yeah I'm pretty sure and now we're trying to get out more money well we haven't posed that yet can we actually get more money? Absolutely not. The tree door slams shut.

Boo! Boo! Okay, so this is the first person that hasn't told us where to go next. Not helpful. The tree door opens back up. I can't tell you one thing. Oh, thank you. I just need you guys off the property because there's a lot. I don't know if you've noticed there's a line behind you and I

need to just get rid of you because this is business hours now. Are you going to tell us once we get off the property or are you going to tell us now and then we leave the property? Just leave once I tell you this, okay? There's only one beholder that I know that exists in France and they actually have a shop about two blocks away. I'm just noticing all my teeth are on the ground here. I thought these were just a bunch of seeds. Okay. I'm picking these up. We'll be

on our way in just a minute. All right. Thanks for nothing, man. I try and sneak one of the teeth into my pocket. Me too. Hey! Quit it! I want to make a bracelet! That's so Snickers because one of the teeth into my pocket. Me too. Hey! Me too. Hey! Quit it! Quit it! I want to make a bracelet! That's so Snickers because one of the teeth that Seb picked back up and then tried to

put back in his mouth was actually a seed. So Seb does have a... One of his teeth is a seed right now. Perfect. He has a seed tooth. I hope it grows into a big tree. Just throughout the season, every time. Little branches come out of it. a big tree just throughout the season every time can we go to uh the beholders place of business

or where he lives or something you approach the shop you can't mistake it because there's a big beholder uh logo uh painted on the the wooden sign that's hanging just above the door and uh it's very clear that it is a tattoo shop. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. We all enter through different doors. I'm stuck in the window.

Seb? Welcome to my tattoo shop, Eye of the Beholder. What can I do? Oh, you guys again. Oh, so you know us. Ahem. Whose baby is this? Who gave me a tattoo?

Where's our friend Jennifer and Beef? How the hell are ya? Well, how the hell are you? How's your back healing? That was a big, uh, big tattoo. Yeah, what did I ask for? You said, give me, I'll have what he's having. And I looked over

and I saw his back tattoo and figured I'd do that. Can somebody push on my butt? I'm still stuck in this window. Oh, shh. Here, grab my hands and I'll pull. Unrelated, do you do tattoo removal? I do not. Oh, no.

What are we talking about? As for whose baby that is, that's yours as far as the deal we made last night. Huh? Mine? I told you guys. Where? Squishy Squishy's mine. Yeah.

I mean, I was washing up in the back after I finished up the tattoo. I mean, I was washing up in the back after I finished up the tattoo. And when I came back, you left a gold, you left a whole bag full of like 1300 gold pieces and took the kids. So I figured, you know, at first I was a little peeved. I was like, did we talk about this? And then I was like, well, my child is really a monster born of nightmares that doesn't really stop screaming or crying. So I'd like to keep the deal in effect. You were peeved

when we kidnapped your kid. Is it kidnapping if you paid for it? That's what I'm saying. I'd say keep it. 1,300 gold for that thing? I'm fine with it. What are the rules on trades these back i get to keep this no beef up into the air like holds it both arms up into the air and swings it

around oh what a beauty be for jennifer's sake we got to get the money back so you got to choose between this baby or jenn Wait, I just had a family and you're going to rip it all away from me? My wife got murdered and you're going to take this baby from me as well? It's one or the other. Think of Jennifer. This isn't a real family.

It's a kid that you kidnapped when you were drunk. Well, bah. To be fair, bah. Well, bah. To be fair, bah. Worse in a way. Yeah, somehow that's worse. Yeah, that's bad. Okay, fine. Can I have a moment with Squishy Squish at least?

Yeah. Yeah, we still got to figure out if this person will take the deal. So yeah, you enjoy your time with Squishy Squish. I tell you what, I'm not taking that thing back because it won't stop crying and it's literally driving me insane. Oh, we have to make it stop crying. Can I roll for perception or insight? I rolled an 18.

Okay, so Chip, you notice that anytime that Beef has said like, how the hell are you? Or like, hello? Any type of sing-songy talking? It's kind of cooed and quieted the baby. All right. Hey, Beef, give that thing over here.

Squish. That was me throwing it. Oh. I thought you were talking to it. Okay, that makes more sense. No, I just yell the thing I'm throwing. Squish. Squish.

All right. I look at all the eyes of this squishy squish, and I start singing. I used to be in love with a friend of mine, but now I'm in love with my new girlfriend. Seb, give me your teeth. I want to turn it into a maraca. Okay, but I'm going to need them back

She's nice and real and cool and real and a cobbler Oh god And she's cool and real and I'm really in love And it's real And with that Squishy Squish kind of like settles down and I'm really in love. And it's real. And with that, Squishy Squish kind of like settles down, and its one eye starts to get droopy, and it kind of dozes into a soft slumber.

It's working, Chip. It's working. Keep going. Whoa. Chalice, seeing him be paternal like that, can't even stand up. She's just sort of like horn central horny central for sure she holds beef sand wow you know uh when it's passed out like that it's actually it's actually kind of cute i could teach you that song too if you want me to nah that sounds like work how about you come here at least once

a day for the rest of your life uh and sing to put the baby to sleep or i keep the money and i kill you all uh deal except beef will do that instead of me sure hi what's going on how the hell are you I shake their hand yeah cool so they with like one of their eyes they shoot a beam at the bag of gold

and levitate it towards you and it lands in beef's I almost called it a beignet what's it called a bjorn

a bjorn oh my bjorn so now it's a money bjorn it's a money bjorn and we start doing the money dance we start doing the money dance. We start doing the money dance. Baby Bjorn, money dance. Like the Charlie Brown characters.

We'll see you tomorrow. Yep, see you tomorrow. And they kind of levitate you out and throw you at the front door and the door slams. All right, so we got to go back, pay off That's So Raven, ask for another loan, and go pay off jennifer's debt i think we just skip that so we'll handle that so we got till the end of the season to handle that so i think we just go straight to the casino i think we just handle that or the casino comes to you they grab you guys and well they put the bag over it's black. And then... We were just coming to you guys. What the heck?

You said we had till the end of the day. They love coming up from behind and bagging us. And when the bags are removed, you see that you're back in the car, but this time Mo's in there with you. Hey, I got three questions for you. Where's Jennifer? Where is my new dog and beef? How the hell are you, you son of a bitch you got the gold yes we have the gold yeah what'd you say how much did we owe you

1269 pieces I think you said 1200 earlier though leaving us with 69. Nice. He nods to, uh, one of his, uh, henchmen and they like violently grab the bag and rip it from your clutches. Okay. Deal's a deal.

He nods to the other one and out of a bag, something's struggling in there and he grabs it to reveal My dog? Little crazy ass. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's sell you, butt suckers.

Oh, fuck. What a fucking wild's go, you butt suckers. Oh, fuck. What a fucking wild party last night, butt suckers. Let's do it again. Oh, you are the worst, brother. Wait, so where's Jennifer? Jennifer? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Just where is she? What do you mean, what do I mean? You think we kidnapped Jennifer? Yeah. Yeah. We love Jennifer. She's our security consultant oh i forgot about that where is she well i mean i should say she was our security consultant until we caught her pocketing chips me no no we caught her pocketing casino chips. Me? She's in someone's pocket. Kip.

She's in Chip's pocket. What's in your pocket? I honest to God was going to, I was going to check my pockets earlier for Seb's teeth. Oh my God. That would have saved us a lot of time. I'm not even kidding. I was going to say to do that.

What if this was a 20 minute episode? That would have been so funny. All right, I stick my hands in my pockets. You feel a little furry something. He goes, no, two more minutes, two more minutes. Oh, you're just a little sleepy guy? What's up? Did I miss something?

Jennifer crawls out and goes up Chips and is now sitting on his shoulder. Whoa, Mo, what's up, my dude? Hey, Jennifer. Fun bachelor at party chalice is honestly one of the best nights of my life. Although I don't remember much, but I do remember. Actually, one second. And then she goes back and runs out the door, goes into the beholder's tattoo shop, and then comes out struggling with all her might to carry what looks to be like 15 paintings done on pieces of parchment. She goes, oh, we hired the painter from Traps Chapel to follow us around and do paintings of what we got up to last night.

Oh, can we play those during the credits? Yeah, we're going to play these during the credits. They're crazy. What is playing over the credits of this episode? It's mostly just paintings of beef fucking that sandwich. I'm just saying that it's 95%. Oh my god! All of these guards

just being like, oh my, like just eyes so open, so big. There's one with the sandwich on top, on bottom, on the side, on the head. And then I think there's one sweet one where Chalice, everyone's kind of like hugging Chalice and Chalice looks like actually happy to be surrounded by the people that love her.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Well, gosh dang, does it feel good to be back, baby! Whee! And with that being said, we've actually got a few exciting things to go over. First, we've got merch! We'll post a link to our TeePublic site in the show notes,

and you can head there to buy some sitcom D&D swag! Yes! Personally, Aaron and I got a Bottoms Up Crudex sweatshirt. That's a very tasteful logo for the bar. And right above it, I believe it says craft beer and piss. So yeah, it's perfect. Check out all the different options we have at TeePublic. Link is in the show notes. And secondly, if you want to leave a comment in Bottoms Up's comment box, it may just get used as the inspiration for a flashback scene in Season 2's comment box episode. You can do this by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcasts. Just to clarify, rate us as a show separately from how

you'd rate Bottoms Up as an establishment. This is very important. We've already got a few amazing comments on there that will definitely be used as scene suggestions. So don't dilly dally, get over to Apple Podcasts and leave your comment for Bottoms Up. Lastly, we're going to exit this episode on a literal high note because one of our patrons who goes by the name nebula lucas created an 8-bit version of our theme song and it friggin rules okay i think that's it for now until next tuesday and thanks as always for listening take it away, Nebula Lucas! that was a head gum podcast