SitcomD&D - S2 E10: Comment Box 2

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

Lots of piss, some baseball, and one memorable portrait are just a few of the fond memories the gang looks back on when they, you guessed it, re-open the comment box!! A huge thank you to the listeners that contributed to this seasons comments. We had a blast reading these. You can leave a comment for the next Comment Box episode by reviewing us on Apple Podcasts! Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Last night, we had an improv show that Elizabeth was at, and Waleed was at, and Sean was at, and I was at. Ben was there, but his heart and his spirit was there, not his body. I can feel you there. And Waleed, someone gifted you Chips Ahoy cookies, the snack pack. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow.

And on the way home, I went, Bleed, who famously loves sweets, did you pick a name? Was this a long con? Are you trying to get people to bring you cookies over the course of recording this podcast? And you went, no, it was an accident. But I think he's a guilty liar. I plead the fifth. Elizabeth, were you upset that nobody handed you a Ziploc bag full of loose hot beef?

Oh my gosh. Wet beef. A wet beef bag. It should be uncooked beef. If you know anything about Elizabeth, she wants the beef uncooked. Yeah, man. Let me season it, all right?

That's the real love. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it, we're going to pick up Inside Bottoms Up, where the bar is filled to the brim with patrons who are celebrating Frazier's Independence Day from the oppressive reign of the Cheers Empire.

Yes, you're celebrating a national holiday that is known affectionately as Spinoff. Bottoms Up hosts a spinoff party every every year and this year is no exception people of every race and class are drinking merrily and celebrating in outfits of vibrant grape and gold which of course are the national colors of the kingdom of fraser to paint a picture of the festivities classic games like rock bottle throw are being played inside the bar. Chalice has been hosting a face painting booth. Seb is on the grill cooking up some brats. And later tonight, Chip and Beef plan to put on their annual epic firework show for the entire block. The firework show is majestic, set to music, and it's the best part of the holiday.

But right now, Beef is about to start singing Frasier's National Anthem. And we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Dice! It's an easy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Hand to God.

God hand to God. Eyes closed. Repeat after me. Frasier's the only one for me. Frasier's the only one for me. Frasier's the only one for me. Is this the Pledge of Allegiance to Frasier or the National Anthem? This is the Pledge to the Anthem.

Okay, great. It leads into the Anthem. Great. Frasier, sleepy, leisure. Wake up, wake up, wake up. It's time to go. And you all may be seated. Wow.

Thank you, B, for that. You're welcome. You're welcome, everyone. That makes me cry every time you do that. Yeah. A couple of the older gentlemen at the bar

who had their hands over their hearts. You can tell there's some grizzled veterans, maybe potential old soldiers in Frazier's army get real misty-eyed with that beautiful rendition

of the anthem. It was an honor, a privilege. Thank you, everybody. Remember to tip your performers man am i hosting this event i guess so uh hey beef i just think you're drunk you're good man you're doing great thank god thank you it looks like your mic was completely unplugged this entire time so we picked

up on none of that uh Before we move on, could you actually all describe how you're dressed and what your face paint looks like right now? Well, I have a penguin face, which we all know what that looks like. I want to be wearing what I always wear, but I have a little pin on my vest

that says F for Frasier. He looks the same, but his face is a penguin. I love him so much. Chalice has fastened the Frasier flag into a top, and she is wearing high pigtails that she's put live sparklers in, so she's just burning the shit out of her hair all day. And her face paint is Seb's face on top of her face

okay so seb is well first of all i'll talk about my face paint my face paint is uh just chalice's face so uh and then i'm just wearing chalice's wedding dress from the first episode that thing gets a lot of play. It really does. Thank God I brought it. Chip is wearing like this sleeveless golden grape shirt. And you will see that there's like grape color on the sides, which kind of go into his shorts that are also gold and grape.

And then the number is 34. You'll also see on the front and back of his shirt. Oh, okay. He's also wearing a bald cap. And then I'm also holding like an orange ball with me. Oh, I see what's going on here. I'm still lost. I look like Shaquille O'Neal.

I look like Shaquille O'Neal. I'm an idiot. I look like Shaquille O'Neal. I look like Shaquille O'Neal. I'm an idiot. It makes perfect sense now. I was like, okay, you're on a basketball team. Shaquille O'Neal was also the original king of Frasier, so this makes sense and is canon. Oh, okay. King O'Neal.

The roar dies down after the national anthem. Jennifer walks up to Chip and Beef. She is just covered in what must have been she just looked like she just dove into the great paint and then also into the gold paint. It's more just like a brown. Oh, yeah! Spin-off!

Woo-hoo! I cannot wait for the fireworks show. Can I help with that, by the way? Can I be the one to set off maybe the biggest ones at the end when there's the, what do you call it? Encore? No. What's the part where all of them go off? It's called an epic finish, and you would have known that if you would have been awake for the last couple.

But I believe you kind of always get drunk and sleep through all of our firework shows. Is that correct? No, that, yep. I'm looking at my notes, and that is 100% correct. All right, you failed. Chalice is sitting in the kiddie pool that they have in the middle of the bar

with her, like, huge tropical drink, and then she goes, that's true. Thank you, Chalice. You're welcome. Maybe if, like, a like a tiny adorable capable rat like me is absolutely snoozing through your firework show, we've got a

problem. So I'm here to maybe spice things up this year, help you out. Maybe nobody falls asleep this time. Okay, Jenny, what do you have? What's your plan? What do you want to snazz up? I can't believe you're even humoring this rat. I wasn't. No humor necessary.

I thought it would be funny to hear her answer. Okay, laugh it up. Laugh it up, dipshits. And then she storms off. What the hell? Nobody calls me a dipshit in my own bar. Did she fart and

then leave? You hear it from super far away. Yeah, I did. You guys, don't let it get to you. It's spinoff day. It's a day for partying, having fun with friends. Just chill. Let it roll off your back.

Like a duck river off your back. We should draw a duck on your face too, B. Come here. Oh, yeah. That would be great. All of a sudden on your face too, B. Come here. Oh, yeah. That would be great. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Bottoms Up is suddenly filled with hundreds of exploding fireworks. Chaos ensues as the bar ignites in a storm of pure havoc.

No. All the patrons run screaming for the exits as huge explosions of vibrantly colored flame burst all around them, accompanied by the sound of eardrum-bursting thunder. Everywhere you look, there's another firework going off and overwhelming your senses. Actually, in fact, why don't you all roll a dexterity saving throw to see if you get hit by any of these rogue fireworks. Non-natural 28. 14.

6. 12. Seb, none of them hit you. The three of you that got hit, roll a D12 of damage. Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. That's a lot. 11.

Whoa. Oh, my God. I'm really hurt. We still got a lot of episode to go. That's not good. I'm really hurt. Everyone thinks that Seb is hurt at first because my face looks like Seb. Seb, no.

Ooh, mine was an 11, too. Oh, boy. What the hell, you guys? Well, I was painting Beef's face and we were standing next to each other. The cars were both hurt. So everyone thought a penguin got really hurt. Penguin, no. Guys. course, we're both hurt. So everyone thought a penguin got really hurt. Penguin, no! Guys.

Oh, it's just beef. I'm also, I only have 12, so I'm at a one. Whoa! No. Dangerous. Elizabeth.

I mean, beef. I know, Ben. I know. No, no, no. Call me Seb. Call me Seb. Call me Seb. Sorry, sorry.

Sorry. Beef, what the heck? Why'd you set off all those fireworks? He didn't. He was with me the. Sorry. Beef, what the heck? Why'd you set off all those fireworks? He didn't. He was with me the whole time. It wasn't him. Chalice's hair is just fully on fire. And you all turn at the same time and you see Jennifer

in the corner. Her fur singed all over her body holding the remnants of a burnt match. Did I do that? You son of a... Oh, I missed one. She strikes another match

and puts it to the one remaining firework. It goes off. You all duck for cover as the firework shoots straight into the lock of the bottoms-up comment box. There's a moment of tense silence, and then the lock explodes in a beautiful array of grape

and gold light. The top of the comment box bursts open and little pieces of paper explode into the air all over the bar and then begin to slowly twirl down towards the floor at your feet. Guess we gotta close that and lock that up, right?

Or if we read these we're're going to have to address them. Well, no one's in here. They're all scared because of freaking Jennifer over here. So I guess and we don't have any fireworks for our grand finale. So I guess this is us tonight. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective.

And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So we will start with Beef. Beef has demanded he also gets to read some of the comments, but really struggles with reading. So you guys are just taking turns looking at the comment,

whispering it into Beef's ear, and Beef repeats what he hears you guys say. Great. The whole staff was posing for a portrait all day. Yeah. We didn't get to eat or drink anything. Zero stars. And then the whole gang turns and looks at the huge portrait of them.

Hanging on the wall. Everybody shut up. We are getting a portrait done. Seb, you're not supposed to move your mouth that much. The painter is going to yell at us again. How dare you! Do not move! Okay, we're not moving

anymore. Is this better or worse? Wait, oh my God. I just woke up. What the heck is going on here? Oh God. We're getting a portrait done of us. We're all wearing matching outfits.

It's for the bar, Jennifer. Don't worry. We got a surrogate for you. It's this sock filled with a bunch of gumballs. That's my, there's literally 800 other rats here that of gumballs. That's my sock. There's literally 800 other rats here that you could have used as a stand-in. My equivalent is a sock

full of gumballs? We were pressed for time. Jennifer, don't be rude. Say hi to the French man. Okay, I'm sorry. Bonjour, monsieur. Okay, I'm sorry. Bonjour, monsieur. Okay, I'm just going to push this sock.

What? Do not move. I told you. Do not move. Oh, my God. It smells so bad. Okay. Who did it?

Oh. Okay, well, it's obviously you, Chip. It was Chalice. No. No. It was Chalice. It smells like a chalice. It's not. It was Chip. It was Chalice. No! What? No! It was Chalice. It smells like a Chalice. It's not. It was Chip. It was obviously Chip.

I don't know. I saw the back of your dress lift up as like a mastico. I saw it too. And I have an eye for detail. It was her. Please don't put it in the painting. I have to. I paint what I see. I hate that f***ing thing.

You hate it? Look at me. I look like some freaking hell-formed demon-spawn half-socked gumball rat zombie. Yeah, you don't look great.

My favorite part is the people passed out in the background behind Chalice's butt. That's hands-on my favorite part. All right, Chip, why don't you read one? Let's talk about anything else. I can't believe that painting didn't get messed up with all the fireworks.

It's unscathed. Didn't we hire somebody else to put a magic spell to make sure that it's safe? You did? Oh, yeah. That was not cheap. Yeah. That cost twice as much as the portrait initially. Chalice has spent two hours every night in the middle of the night since it's been up trying to destroy it in various ways.

The bar across the street was closed, so I thought I would pop into this one. For some reason, a small guy hopped onto my table asking if I wanted to play darts. Thinking it would be a fun game, I complied and walked over to the target. For some reason, the small guy picked up a paint can and started painting a target onto himself then. Who I can only assume is the bouncer started throwing the darts at the small man. One hit him in the head and he lay flat out on the ground. I walked over to check on him and the bouncer ended up hitting me in the head. Two out of ten stars.

How did I end up working with rats in the kitchen? Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think we all know who this is. Oh, is that the guy we hit in the head and now is working in the kitchen with all the rats? Yeah, I think.

Well, you know what? It's got to be him, right? Let's go. Thomas. Are you guys talking to me? No. Oh, God. It's got to be him, right? Let's go. Thomas. Are you guys talking to me? Oh, God. It's actually Timon. You guys called me T-Money a couple times.

That was cool. You read this comment? Holy shit. This is my first day. Well, what turned out to be my first day. How long have you been working for here, us? I guess this makes it about I think like just over

six weeks. Oh my god. We going over comments? No, we'll talk to you later. I'm so sorry. Yep, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I completely forgot about it. What does he do here? Hey, still standing here.

Oh my god. Hey, T-Money. I work in the kitchen. Yeah? Yeah, well, go work in the kitchen then. You got it, boss. I think he just blends in so well with the rats. Okay, this one's on me. I dilly-dallied a bit.

Still here, though. Oh, my God. Still scaring me. All right, please. I need to watch you leave the room. All right? I'm watching. Love you, T-Money. Talk to you later. Love I need to watch you leave the room. All right. I'm watching. Love you, T-Money.

Talk to you later. Love you guys. And he exits the room. Well, maybe old Sebby Poo should read one. Uh-huh. You can call yourself something else, right? Yeah. Can the staff check in with the owner?

He makes a mean drink, but he's really high strong watched a downyard spiral from casual chat to dark tangent to stress laughs to panic attack the bouncer said he'd write it out but that suggests that this is common see if he needs help, a concerned customer. I think that'll be it for us, but we'll probably just start with those cocktails and then waters would be great. Water. I used to love water until it took everything from me. Come again? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just came on thinking about how, you know, and it's actually kind of a funny story.

When I was in high school, actually Chip over there, he strapped me to a bunch of cinder blocks and threw me into a lake to help me learn how to swim. I was underwater for 25 minutes. And I'm walking up with the waters and, oh, shoot, sorry, just dropped all the water all over you seb i want to live sorry sorry how are uh yeah but um uh yeah anything else ask me how i was in the middle of that what nothing you're about to say, how are you? How are you?

I'm okay. I could use a drink or two. I'll go grab another tray of drinks. I'll be back in a second. Yes. Anyways, yeah, tragedy kind of gets stuck. And I slipped all over the waters that I already slipped before. And whoa, whoa, whoa.

I want to live. I want to live. How are you? Okay. Okay. Do you remember how they were? Apparently really bad because I kept on screaming into their open mouths.

So yeah, that might have not been a 10 out of 10. I'm going to be completely honest. Well, that's self-aware. See, we can take criticism. Look. It's about learning. it's about learning it's about learning and growing that's the point of a comment box beef how about you read another one

and we'll be really have a good attitude about yeah for sure okay chip could you sit right next to me please yeah of course okay uh what's that first word well if it's not first, it's... Finished. No, it's last. Okay. Last. Okay, last. Okay. Wednesday. Always know those. I know the days. Wow, that one's so much harder than the first one.

Bottoms up. Okay, closed. I'm really doing it all right. A minute after opening. Seb, am I crazy? I feel like Beef was reading these no problem the last time we did comment box. Yeah, I really think he's

regressing in several ways. I think so, too. What is this word? I'm super stuck on it. I'm just going to tell you, it's and. Okay, he gets Wednesday, but not and? What the f*** is happening here? Yeah, something was going on. I think he hit his head. Do not move so much.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. We didn't know you were here. Oh, he's portraiting us again? Jeez. Chels, did you do this? Uh, moi? You used the French word.

You're so guilty. Yeah, it's so weird. Oh, shit. It's so weird. You're so guilty. It's so weird. I thought maybe we could do a redo of the painting. Am I so crazy?

Yeah, good luck not farting. Yeah. It wasn't even me. You guys, I'm in the middle of something. Sorry, sorry. Beef, go ahead. Let's start from the beginning. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Last Wednesday, Bottoms Up closed a minute after opening, and they wouldn't tell us why. Zero out of five stars. Seb, I sneezed. Can you close early? Everybody out. Everybody out.

Everybody out. Everybody out. Everybody out. Everybody out. Everybody out. Get the hell out of here. I think that was from the day that I sneezed and then I just didn't feel like doing the rest of the day. But to all of your credit, you closed. We're there to support you. It was really nice.

Thanks, guys. We were worried about you. Chip, are you up? Let's see. I came in on an all-you-can-piss night, the best night of the week, honestly, thinking an error in spelling was made. But as promised, it was exactly what was advertised. All piss, no cakes. I couldn't stomach staying any longer, and I asked for a cup to go for my drink, at which point the unruly crooner reached into his pants

and took out an unusually large piece of men's protective wear and belligerently threw it at my head. I was shouted out of the door for interrupting his set, and I don't think I'll return. Two out of ten for the staff, eight and a half out of ten for the ambiance. Charming and quaint with erotic

overtones. Hey, no cakes allowed. You take that cake out of here. I'm sorry, sorry. This is not what I was expecting. You were expecting to be allowed to bring a cake into Bottoms Up. That's what you were expecting.

I'm sorry I let this guy even in through the doors, guys. That's on me. That's on me. Hey, it happens to the best of us, all right? I will break you if you don't get out of here. Okay, I don't want any trouble. I'm throwing the cake outside. Oh, then why'd you bring a cake if you don't want trouble?

Why the hell would you bring a cake anywhere if you didn't want to start a big, huge f***ing fight? Huh? Whoa. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to take a seat. This is labeled soak zone. What does that mean? That means you better soak it.

You got five seconds to start peeing yourself right now. Four, three, two. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Hey, guys, do you guys know what's up with the guy in the front row holding a cake? I'm not performing if he's going to be holding that. There's another cake guy up there?

Yeah, there's another guy holding a cake in the front row. I'm not performing. If you have a cake please hold it in the air that is everyone everybody that is every single person that's everybody right now what a disaster but what fiscally one of our best nights ever i i gotta say and i really wish they would have brought that on cake night because that would have been a joyous occasion yeah a lot more piss on on cake night than on on cake night because that would have been a joyous occasion. Yeah, a lot more piss on cake night than on piss night. Conveniently. This town is one silly goose.

You can say that again. Alright. I've got one. The windows are always broken. Zero stars. Well. Hey, bada bada bada Hey, bada badaada, bada Hey, bada, bada Beef walks up to the plate

And like kisses the tip of the bat And then points it up into the sky Like he's gonna hit it And he says, for the birds Okay, well I'm giving you everything I got I call this the hot cheese And Jennifer's got a ball And she takes a step and she takes a step

and takes another step and then steps into it and throws it with all her might. Yeah! It goes just about half a foot and then kind of rolls to Beef's feet. Then Beef picks it up and he tosses it in the air

and then he hits it. Why don't you roll for that hit? Okay, well, it was a one. I botched, whatever. Whoa! Okay, so I think we can say that... Okay, Chip, you're up. Yeah.

I think we can safely say that you didn't have a very good grip on the bat. And when you go to swing, the bat itself shoots out of your hands and explodes through one of the windows. What a nice breeze that is. I'm going to run the bases just because. Is that cool with everybody? Yeah, of course. Thank you.

Everyone claps as Beef runs the bases. Thank you, guys. Beef, Beef, Beef. Other way, Beef. Other way, Beef. Other way, Beef. Sorry, sweetheart. Other way, sweetheart.

No, not run backwards. Go the other way around the bases. It's close enough, you guys. Chalice has one of those batter helmets. And she's chewing gum, and she goes up to the plate. Jennifer, give me everything you've got. OK, this is everything I got. And she rolls out a little catapult contraption that she built.

Oh, shit. She loads the ball in there, and then she takes out a little kitchen knife and then cuts a string, and the catapult shoots right down the middle pretty dang fast for Chaus to try and hit. Now, why don't you roll for it? Natural 20.

Are you kidding me? No way. Not even joking. I get a roll for it? Natural 20. Are you kidding me? No way. Not even no way. Yes! I get a zero. He gets a 20. When Chalice hits the ball, she hits the ball so hard that it hits Chip

and Chip catapults through the window. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Home run! Home run!

Home run! Sweet Caroline. Other way, Chels. Other way. Sweetheart, sweetheart. Other way, other way. So good! So good!

So good! Botched to Nat 20 is pretty fun. Yeah. And that really happened. And that really happened. And that really happened. And that really happened. Seb, do you want to read one? Okay, all right.

Seb-a-rooney coming right up. There's a fly in my mouth. Huh. It just flew out. That's probably going to be in the painting that he does. And then we're all going to laugh at how there is a fly in Seb's mouth. Oh, shoot, he already finished Seb. Actually, Seb actually already looks good. I'm seeing it.

Yes, Seb is locked in. I didn't even do, I didn't even fart. I didn't even fart. Chalice, please, I'm saving you for last. Get all your farts out now, Chalice. Yeah, fart. I don't have any farts. Yeah, no, that's not true.

Sure. All right. Okay, back to the task at hand. Piss. Tastes like piss. Looks like piss. Smells like piss. It's all piss, piss, pissy, piss zone everywhere you go.

Piss out of 10. Not bad. Okay. Sort of feels like someone just copied the lyrics to Beef's song, his hit song, and wrote them down on a sheet of paper. Piss, piss, piss. Yeah. Piss out of 10.

Piss out of 10. Yeah. What the hell? Piss, piss, piss. Piss out of 10. 10 out of 10. Yeah. What the hell? Piss, piss, piss. Piss out of 10. 10 out of piss. My mom is hot. I got a hot mom.

Hot mom alert. Hot mom alert. Piss, piss, piss, piss. Thanks, guys. Thank you so much, piss, piss. Thanks, guys. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Thanks, thanks. Dang, that's the second time this season that somebody's stolen your work for themselves.

I mean, when you're on top, it's just going to keep happening, all right? Yeah, have you thought about getting any of your stuff copyrighted, Beef? How do you do that? Let's go ask Google. Is he here? Okay, Google. Oh, my God. What is it?

How do you copyright? Beef, louder. Louder. How do you copyright Google? Well, copyright is like you have the right to copy someone else's work. So if you buy the copyright. Snooze.

Is anyone listening to this? No, I'm drunk. No, no, no, no. Thank you, Google. Thank you, Google. Thank you, Google. Y'all, I had a sex dream about Google last week. Me too.

Isn't that insane? You too? Me too. Me too. No way. Did you too, Seb? Chip? Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. I think it's me. I think I'm next. Oh, Lord. This was a long one, too. Let me concentrate. Careful, your nose is bleeding. I wanted to enjoy my visit at Bottoms Up,

but the owner was playing some weird game with the bouncer throwing different kinds of objects at the bouncer, and the bouncer kept trying to hit them with a bat and running around the bar in a diamond pattern knocking over several tables and chairs, and the bard kept yelling weird songs about taking them out to the ball game or something, and the waitress was doing weird cheers

while standing in my food. We've already seen this one. Yeah, we literally just saw this. Yeah, we accidentally already flashed back to that, so crumple that up, throw it over. Yeah, you can't, multiple patrons can't leave the same comment for the same event you know that's cheating

this one i'm seeing a lot of the words that i recognize hi seb oh good i just want to tell you you're doing a great job buddy your best friend chalice oh my god hey i wrote that one hey it says we can't leave these i feel like you wrote that out of spite. No? No, I really meant it. It was that day where he was working really hard and he had woken up early to clean. And he just was feeling a little down on himself.

And he's my best friend. And I thought, whatever he finds this, it might make his day. What do you think, Seb? I think my day has just been made. Hey, thank you. What's going think, Seb? I think my day has just been... Hey, thank you. What's going on, guys? Oh, me and Beef, we were just trying to figure out our own secret handshake.

And actually, if you could turn around and... Is this inspired by the fact that Seb and I did our full version of our secret handshake last night at the bar and everyone gave us a standing ovation? No, not at all. This was actually on our calendar. We had actually had it on our calendar for a while. And me and Beef actually have our joint calendar now that we're actually using together because we're actually the best friends now. That's so great.

I'm going to go hang out with my best friend, Seb. I'll see you guys later. Right in that moment, Seb flies through the window of the bar and just goes, I'm having the worst f***ing day. I just got hit by six horse and buggies. Oh, see, that was such a bad day. Seven had just been hit by six horse and buggies.

And by buggies, you mean like a mosquito and a fly? Yeah, buggies. Buggies, you know. Those irritating buggies. Ewwy, grossy buggies. That's what Seven had called bugs. Eww, grossy buggies. Eww, Stephanie called bugs. Ew, grossy buggies. Ew, buggies. It's a joke.

You guys are so annoying. What was that, Beef? What? Nothing. Actually, Beef didn't say anything, and I'm actually reading a comment. The bar across the street was closed, so I stepped into Bottoms Up for a drink. Biggest mistake of my life. All the bipedal employees were standing behind the counter doing nothing while a clump of rats shaped like a person poured me my drink.

Obviously, the rats spilled the drink all over me. And instead of helping me, the employees just stood there and clapped. Never coming back here was going to rate one star. But the piss I ordered was actually pretty good. Two out of five stars. All right, guys. Mega rat day one. Take one.

Let's see if we can do this, everybody. Remember, everyone, just focus on whatever the rat on your head pulls you to do. Okay? And if we're all hyper aware, then whatever I'm kind of channeling this guy to do the whole body should follow okay this is groundbreaking here we go test run number one gonna pick up this picture holy shit it's working you lifted it whoa oh my god holy cow oh my gosh I feel like a god watching this. This is incredible.

How? If you feel like a god, I feel like the entire universe! The power! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Y'all, I miss Mega Rat. I wish that it hadn't been struck by lightning and then terrorized the city for a month because that, it was so fun while it lasted. That was the quickest they ever passed a law. I've never seen a governmental power come together so fast to pass a law banning Mega Rats.

Yeah, that one felt a little bit pointed. I'm going to be honest, really at us. I was happy that the law came through. I mean, having a shared consciousness with like a couple hundred rats, not a lot of room for your own thoughts, let me tell you. Scary. Love it. Oh, am I up?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I found a hair in my soup and was told it was there on purpose. I hate this place. No stars. And I'm going to take one hair and put it in the soup. And I'm going to take another hair and I'm going to put it in the soup. I'm doing the soup dance. Thanks for letting me into the kitchen, Jenny.

This is fun. Yeah, you're real natural. Way better than Timon. What? Shut the f*** up, Timon! That guy freaks me out. He's got a weird vibe. I heard he's a pretty good kisser, though. At least that's the gossip.

That's what... No kidding. Are you serious, Jenny? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Chip is in a vent listening and writing down. Man, it's kind of crazy. It's like, what other kitchen gossip is going on? And Beef looks up at the vent and he winks. Oh, really?

You actually want to know? Because there's, I mean, I've got over 800 rats here. Each is getting into more shit than the next. So if you've got the time, girl, I will spill the tea. Please, please. Hey, I'll have it. Oh, shit! And hot tea spills everywhere. Oh, ouch!

Ouch! Jenny said that that's part of the recipe, is a couple of hairs from wherever. Yeah, I get if they'd be upset if there was no hairs in it or maybe like not enough hairs. But what a weird complaint. Maybe people don't normally complain because your little rat hairs are like a couple millimeters and beef's chest hairs are famously a couple feet long. Yeah, that's a good point, actually.

Moving right along. Putting on my reading spectacles because why not at this point? All right. Really happy with the service. Oh. Awesome. I'm going to stop right there.

Okay. Yeah. Actually, no, I'm going to keep going. I mean, just out of curiosity. Yeah, just out of curiosity. There's probably just more good stuff later. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So really happy with the service. Not so happy with everyone else's. I thought the foot rub for every patron was a really nice idea. But when you used your finger to check the temperature of my drink after giving that troll a foot massage, I was conflicted. There just needs to be an intermediate step, I think. What, like wash our hands? Ew!

Welcome to Bottoms Up. Here is a soundscape by Beef and Seb. Wow. This is new, you guys. It's like a whole tranquil... Shut up, shut up, shut up. Cucumber with water. For me?

I didn't. This is not complimentary. Shoes off. Give me your feet. Shoes off. Shoes off. I'm trying to make this a more zen place. Lift you up.

Flip you around. Grab your feet. Rip off your shoe. Hey, Chip. Yeah. Let's bring it down to a one. You're on a beach. You're on a beach.

Oh, no, the clouds are coming in. And they're really big. And they're juicy, full of rain. Weather man, we have hurricane force winds. If you're at the beach right now, you're already dead. Grab your kids. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm drowning.

Okay, starting to lose the thread on what this is all about. Give me your feet. Oh, my God. See, I actually do have kind of a foot fungal thing kind of happening. I'd rather just... Chip, take your shoes off. I'm ripping them off. I'm holding you upside down by your leg.

Oh, not my second pair. He was wearing two shoes. He was wearing two shoes. He was wearing two shoes. This guy was prepared. See? Oh, see? People are covering their mouths. Oh, this is disgusting.

Oh, my gosh. Look at me. Look at me. Whoa, it tossed. Ew, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Why are we going back to that memory? What the hell is wrong with us? I don't know.

Oh, my God. What the heck? Oh, man, I totally forgot about that scary, scary toe. That was scary. Beef, please read another comment. I stayed here for business, and I got stuck in a Murphy bed upstairs for four years and wasn't found until a game of hide and seek. My wife remarried. Zero

stars. One, two, three. Oh my god. Oh my god. Should we all hide together? Oh my god. Hey, hey. We're trying to hide we're trying to hide how are you i'm alive we all we all push him back in and then we close the murphy bed

99 100 ready or not here i come beef is, has his hand over the guy's mouth. Be like, don't you ruin this for us. Don't you ruin this for us. Hmm, not in the closet, not in the curtains. Hmm. Look how long his fingernails are. It's disgusting. I'll just lean up against this bed.

Gadoosh. Poop. What the hell? How is there four of you now? You found us. Oh my god. He's shielding his eyes from the light. I thought I was dead.

I guess we'll open the bar or something. No, you guys, Jennifer's actually also looking, so let's... Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. No, I can't go back. I know I go back! Stop scratching me with your fingernails. They're so long. Oh, yeah, that guy.

I think he's still up there. Oh, yeah, we let him write a comment, and then we shoved him back in the Murphy's. In four years. Beef, you've been doing such a good job reading. You want to help me with mine? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just look over my shoulder, make sure I'm doing it well?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to. Made the mistake of coming to Bottoms Up on their Peter Pan night, during which they only served empty plates and cups. They stood in a circle yelling at me to imagine the food so it would be real. Looking back on it it it was quite charming at least until the short one insisted they could fly beef i think that's you they couldn't and don't even get me started on the live crocodile three out of ten stars might come back in a few months oh that's not zero stars yeah i had so much fun that night.

Crocodiles loose. Oh my God. Chip, pick me up. Pick me up off the ground. I'll put you on the, I'll put you on the back of the crocodile. It's the one place they can't bite. Chalice is dressed like Smee.

Beef is dressed like Captain Hook. Seb is dressed like Peter Pan and Chip is dressed like Tinkerbell. And Jennifer is the brother with the top hat. And the nightgown. Is he wearing pajamas? Yeah, like old-timey pajamas. Is it my cue? Do I come out?

It's your cue. Yes, yes, yes. And go, go. And then all the rats start pulling on a contraption and I'm flying through the air. Hello! I am Forever Seven! Hello, hello! Am I doing good?

You're doing so good. You're doing great. Don't worry, Snipe, here I come. Arr! I am Hook, Mr. Hook! And may I take you, your beautiful skin, for mine. You wanna wear my skin? Yes.

It looks like the Captain Hook one's like getting ready to fly but Captain Hook doesn't fly in this story Get out, you cannot talk during this Take all the food with you No, it just doesn't look like he's rigged to fly That guy's clearly got all the contraptions and the rats are pulling on the strings

Don't let that short one Here I go B flings his body into the air. And splatters starfish style right into the middle of the audience. See, that's what I was. It doesn't matter. Get that cake out of here, man. What does it say by the door?

It says no cakes. All right. Piss your pants. Yeah, it was incredible. One of my better performances, all right? You know, when you let me shine, I shine. Yeah. And Beef, I mean, all your bones shattered,

but I'd say one of the most exciting things I've ever seen. Also, Beef, I love the commitment, but the next time we do Peter Pan Night, you don't actually have to cut your hand off to put the hook on, okay? Good point. It was expensive to magically get that repaired but just for the next time you did a great job i just wanted to maybe bring it up chip i am a method actor i did not go to school to not cut off my hand when i need to all right

well but you also didn't go to school. Sure. Well, I went to aviation school. You're right. You did go to aviation school. I did. That is a school. It's got school in the name. That's right. I always forget you went to aviation school. I think I'm next, right?

Yeah. Who's next? Who's next? I don't know why, but the little guy with the beard started sleeping on my table. With the beard? With the beard? Who is that? That guy doesn't work here,

whoever that is. Hey, um, Seb, did you hire a new employee? Because there's a guy out there like serving tables who's wearing a name tag. I didn't hire anyone. Hey, Seb?

Yeah? Seb, there's a guy trying to check IDs at the door. What's going on? Did you replace me? No, Seb? Yeah? Seb, there's a guy trying to check IDs at the door. What's going on? Did you replace me? No, who are these people? What the hell? Seb, someone's been playing my instruments in front of everyone.

Oh my god. Wait, who's that working behind the bar and doing the books? My god, he's got a little beard. We got skin snatchers. Get your weapons, all right? Okay. Oh shit, they're onto us. We gotta kill them before they take us out. There got skin snatchers. Get your weapons, alright? Okay. Oh shit, they're onto us! We gotta kill them before they take us out!

There can only be one! What is going on? What is happening? Today we go for glory. And your skin snatcher doppelgangers, who the only differentiation between you and them is beards, start running at you to try to strangle you. The one that was on the

table asleep was Beef's doppelganger. Yep. Wakes up. That's the scariest one. He's got cat eyes. It has cat eyes. Oh, my God. Push him down a well.

Open the well. Seb, open the well. They know about our biggest weakness. Wells. It's locked. Open it quick. I can't. I can't. I can't!

Seb! They locked the well! Ah! I take my battle axe. Wait, Chip, what did you do with your battle axe? I was going to swing it down, but then Beef's little doppelganger came and grabbed the axe from behind me.

Then everything went black after that. Oh my God. I don't remember what happened after that either. Are we skin snatchers? I start looking at the other three and assessing their level of beard. Yeah. Yeah, me too. I'm squinting.

We're all squinting. We're all squinting. Out of the corner of your eye, Timon's walking to the kitchen, looks over at you guys, and you notice that it looks just like Timon, but he has a full beard right now. All right, kill him. What? Put him in the well. Put him in the well. Get him in the well.

I can't. It's locked. I got it off. I got it off. Put him in. Put him in. Get Timon in there. T-Money?

And I kicked T-Money, bearded T-Money down the well. And as he goes down the well, he dissipates into what looks like the embodiment of a wish. Oh, that's kind of nice. That is really beautiful, Sean. That was magical. If you throw a body center down a well, you get to

make a wish. Oh, Seb, what'd you wish for? If I tell you, it won't come true. I'm just kidding. I wished for 11 more wishes. Oh, nice. All right, let's see what we got here.

I visited Bottoms Up when they advertised a leather night. Turns out it's not a gay bar, and whoever led the promotion made some sort of mistake. I instead had to endure their DJ puppeteering a collection of taxidermy frogs in a musical production about the alphabet. Two out of five stars. Good show, but needed more kink. You guys, I know we get up to a lot of shenanigans,

and I'm the first person who's willing to admit that, but I don't think that this was us. We were on an adventure, maybe, and somebody else took over the bar that night. Do you think this is when we were out of town? Oh my God. Jennifer, they all turn and look at Jennifer.

Jennifer, what do you do when we're out of town? What do you do? Oh my gosh, don't when you're out of town, you think I'm going to show up to work? Hell no. Then who's at the bar? Welcome to Crazy Ass' Night of Frog Puppeteering. A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Spicy Pete is just playing a steel drum in the background.

I guess we'll never know. One of life's great mysteries, huh? All right, I'll read one. Food tastes like crap and the ale of piss. I don't know. I wanted to like Bottoms Up, but when I showed up, everyone was shirtless and wrestling in the middle of the bar. The host told me it was skinned drink free night,

but that didn't explain the brawling. Overall, I give the bar one star. explain the brawling. Overall, I give the bar one star. Okay, I want a clean fight from both parties. Okay, skins? Step up. Chalice is

naked and she steps up to the ring. In this corner, we have Chalice and he raises Chalice. And Jennifer's on the other side of the ring and she's wearing a wrestling We have Chalice, and he raises Chalice's arm. And Jennifer's on the other side of the ring, and she's wearing a wrestling singlet. This side of the corner is Jennifer,

and he lifts Jennifer up all the way. And she gets a ton of boos. She's a heel. She's a heel. Yeah, I f***ing love it. Louder. Seb's, Chalice's, like, little old trainer. This guy wants to ruin you.

This guy wants to bury you ten feet deep. No one wants to see you in out there. Nobody thinks everybody out there is already counting you out. What are you going to do, Chalice? Not let you down. Not let you down. That's right. Chip, any words of inspiration? Chip is in a cheerleader's outfit

dancing in somebody's food. Oh, Chalice! Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah, Jennifer, fair is fair. You kicked my ass that night. Yeah, and I was taking it easy on you.

Oh, well, next time. All right, three out of five stars. Worst culinary experience I've had in years. Bullshit. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, save it for the end. It might turn around. We've had some like that.

The only thing that saved the night from being a complete disaster was the murder mystery theater that occurred in the middle. It seemed so realistic. I'm just the maid then, cleaning up this fancy estate. I hope nothing goes awry tonight. Chalice, Chalice. Wait, Jennifer, what? Chalice, okay, don't panic, but we had an accident near the kitchen, and we accidentally killed a guy.

That guy's actually dead. What? That guy over there? Yeah. So just, like, use that as the body for the show, but... Great, great. Yeah, that guy's dead. There's been a murder!

Oh, my God, there's actually been a murder. Oh, no. A murder, you say? No, Chip, listen to me. That guy's really dead, and we actually... Tis I, a investigator and a coroner. Chip, Chip, that guy's actually dead. We actually have to solve this murder. There is a murderer in this room right now. It is I, Mayor Homicide.

And I, I am, I am, oh, I don't know the deceased, but could I have been the one that killed him? Seb, Seb, Seb, Seb. Do you think they know that I'm the murderer? No, no, you're not the murderer. Oh, you're the murderer? Because that guy's really dead. Oh, Seb, you've ruined it.

We're doing a show. I know, but I didn't know yet. Tis I, the candelabra, I speak. I have seen so many things, I could say who the murderer is. Beef, beef. What? Guys, there's been a real murder. There's a real murder in this place?

Shh, shh, shh, shh. There's a real murderer here, so it's best that we just keep up this facade and we actually solve the murder. Okay? Okay. And also, Seb already ruined the show anyway. Sorry.

Dude, focus. But the good news is, Chip, you don't know who the actual murderer is, so you're still going to be surprised by that. Yeah, I guess that's fun. No one here should be ruled out. Every one of you lock the doors, candelabra. No one goes in or out of here until we catch the murderer then. Way ahead of you.

And locks the door at the same time. Don't love that. Who's that guy? I don't know. He's splattered in blood. Pulls out a big knife and just runs at you looking to hack at your heads.

Ah! Here we go again. I pull out my battle axe. I didn't take off that candelabra costume for weeks. I felt so good in it. Yeah, you got really lost in that character, Beep. It was hard to bring you back. You're a method actor.

I am a method actor. This has been such a fun night. You know, we don't normally do this kind of thing at spinoff, and I know Jennifer ruined everything about this night, but it's been a good time kind of reminiscing about these things. How about a couple more? A few more, a few more. Yeah, yeah, yeah do one more we'll do one more all right okay okay okay and i love i'll finish it out um the doorman chip won't stop talking about his fake girlfriend

vancouver montreal he used to flirt with the waitress and that was cool. He should go back to that. Uh, um, how about, how about we're done? And, and, yay! Yay! And we're done. No, no, no. I want to read a couple more.

No, better not. What's going on with both of your voices? Nothing's going on. You're actually wrong with my voice. Nothing's going on with both of your voices? No, nothing's going on. You're actually wrong with my voice. Nothing's going on. There's nothing wrong. I mean, just take the camera and lock it up. Throw the top down.

Throw the walk around. Sorry. I can't. I think that was my favorite moment on this show ever. I couldn't think of a single word that I was trying to say. Lid and combination law. Oh, yes. I'm glad that doesn't exist.

I'm not throwing out any cash. And I said, it's done. It's close. It's good. Chip, are you okay? Your nose is bleeding. Your nose is bleeding here. And I blow my nose blood on beef.

You guys, I have a surprise for you. Changing the subject, moving away from that dumb comment box that we never need to open again. Okay. Chalice runs over to the linen closet and moves a bunch of the linens out of the way and pulls out some backup fireworks.

Too late for a show on the roof? Okay, that's right next to the fireplace. That is a huge hazard. Oh, sorry. But I'm in. Wow. You're going to give Jennifer a chance to really do it right. No, get out of here.

Oh, come on. Boo. Oh, I love it. I love it when you boo me. Yeah, come at me. Suplex. Boo. Oh, I love it. I love it when you boo me. Yeah, come at me. Suplex. What? Oh.

Oh. They go up to the roof, and Beef and Chip start setting off the fireworks. Hey, man. Chip, I just wanted to say, I know we make fun of your girlfriend a lot, but- My real girlfriend? Yeah, your real girlfriend. I just wanted to say I'm glad you're happy. It's nice to see you smile.

And you smell that? It wasn't me. Challenge. It wasn't this time. The portrait says otherwise. Sorry, challenge. Please tell me that you weren't doing it. It looked like it was you.

Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Look at that trail of destruction right behind you. It's like the Kool-Aid man came out of your ass. Oh, God. Damn, Chalice. Seth just got you so good. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Thank you so much to everyone who wrote in with amazing comments for this episode. It was truly a blast to play with your scene prompts. If you want to leave a comment for Bottoms Up to be used in our next comment box episode, you can do so by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts. Hopefully you rate the show differently from how you review Bottoms Up as an establishment. Consider joining our Patreon

and help us as we inch closer and closer to our stretch goal of 500 patrons. Doing so means we'll release a one-shot GM'd by Aaron Keefe inspired by the TV series Lost. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 30 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is MASH Part 2. This is where we play

the beloved children's game MASH and do an improv montage based off of the results. So tune in to see which one of us marries Yellowstone's famous geyser, Old Faithful. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.