SitcomD&D - S2 E12: Jennifer Is Stuck

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

Basically, the title sums up this episode perfectly, not sure what else can be said. Just to repeat it, Jennifer is stuck, will she ever get out? You'll just have to listen I suppose. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Which employees would be the most fun to fall in love with one another? Zookeeper and animal. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. What about two trash people? I love that.

Garbage men? Women? Trash people. Yeah. I love that. Garbage men? Women? Trash people. Yeah. I like that. Can you say that again? I had a joke for that that I didn't say fast enough. Can you say it?

Just a peek behind the curtain for everybody. This is three days later. Waleed has insisted we start recording again because he thought of a joke. He actually left the recording. He's back. I just thought of one. What about two trash people? Elizabeth, I think that's pronounced lawyers.

Yay! Worth it. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up Inside Bottoms Up on a sunny Sunday morning. Warm light from the slightly dusty windows pours over the floor of the bar as you all groggily shuffle to an empty table and find your seats.

You guys have recently started opening later on Sundays because you can afford to and you're lazy, so the bar is empty besides the four of you. Last night, Jennifer told you all that she had an idea for the bar that was going to bring in huge business, and she needed you to show up at the crack of dawn ready to eat. So right now, you're all sitting at a table waiting for Jennifer to make her way out of the kitchen and reveal what she's been working on. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding,

and we're rolling! Yay! Sweet! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peaf at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but

good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Good morning. They're all wearing bathrobes, and they are all drinking coffee, and Seb has the paper, but they're all going to take turns reading the paper. Oh, God. Oh, paper. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no.

What is it, Seb? Another bad day in the stocks? No, no, no. I just dunked the paper in my coffee and I took a bite out of it like a donut. So, no. Well, I guess we'll not know what's going on in culture and fitness. My favorite section, culture and fitness. Dang it. Don't worry.

You won't have to eat your newspaper anymore because I got a big breakfast for you coming right up. Bring it in, y'all. Dozens of rats come out of the kitchen working together to balance plates of food and deliver them to your table. Fresh eggs and fire bread. And to drink, orange juice and alcohol. Oh.

Whoa. An orange liquid that's not orange pot. Is this actual orange juice? I think. Now, there's just one rule with this meal. And that's, in order to eat, you got to take your pants off. Done. Easy. off. Done. Easy.

Whoa. No. Chalice spits out her orange juice and alcohol back into the cup, going like, hold on. Yeah, it's not Naked Thursday. If you don't take your pants off, it doesn't make any sense. It ruins the whole idea. Yeah, guys, come on. Take your pants off.

Beef, we get that you're on board. Jennifer, why do we got to take our pants off? Oh, my God. Let me explain something to you. Yeah, I'm asking you, too. Please do it. Let me explain something to you. Right now.

That's what we want. If you don't take your pants off, then it's not really a bottomless brunch, now is it? Oh. Oh, my God. Yeah, now you get it. Okay, good. Unrelated to this, but did you take a little walk around the neighborhood and see that a sign said bottomless brunch,

and then you thought maybe we'd do that? Yeah, and they're doing really well, it seems like. So maybe we should, I'm just trying to incorporate an idea that, you know, could help the business. Okay, Jennifer and. I'm sorry, Seb incorporate an idea that, you know, could help the business. Okay, Jennifer and... I'm sorry, Seb, are you a chef? Shut the f*** up. Whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you little rat. Fine, fine. You all can eat and talk amongst yourselves and take off your pants if you want. And you can talk about what you honestly think about the bottomless brunch. Because I'm going to leave the room. Jennifer starts to make her way up the stairs. So I'm leaving. And you can be super honest about the idea because I'm not listening.

Okay. Goodbye. Okay, Jennifer did not cook these eggs. So nobody eat these. The shell is still on them. Yeah, what the? She gave us eggs. This one is hatching,

and it's a boa constrictor. Oh, my God. Y'all, I feel bad, because I will say, we've said no to Jennifer's last, like, 10 ideas, but this one sucks. Bottomless, in the way that she means, sucks. Bottomless, in the way that it's supposed

to mean which is just endless brunch we can't really afford that that's a lot of work yeah also sucks that also sucks also sucks yeah i am excited for this orange juice i gotta try this orange juice and it's just pot of orange and it is just pot of orange okay wait wait you guys guys she's watching us from the stairs so let's's just like, look, really look at each other. And we're really considering this idea. No, it's too late, Chels. I am watching from the stairs. And you see that Jennifer has her little head poking through a couple rails of the banister.

Yeah, and I heard everything. Okay. I heard that you hate it. I mean, you don't even get it. I told you the eggs are fresh Okay, they're super fresh. That's why when you crack them. They're fresh and and I'm done. I'm done trying and oh wait, oh No, and you see that Jennifer's struggling a little bit on the staircase. Help! Oh, no.

You guys, I think I'm stuck. Did you put your head between this very, very thin banisters that we have on the staircase? Yeah, the banisters are like so close together. The super thin section? Yeah. The rat-sized section of the staircase? No, anywhere but there. Oh, gosh.

You guys, I'm like super freaking stuck. Let me grab the cult box do you think the cult box will help here i'll get the butter box butter box that is the cult box they're the same box yeah it's just cult stuff in here a couple wrappers of butter did someone say they need a doctor no no nobody said that it has long been established you do not have a doctor? No. Nobody said that. It has long been established you do not have a doctorate. You are Mr. Pibb. You are Mr. Pibb.

Dr. Pibb here, and I couldn't help but overhear that there's some sort of emergency situation happening. Beef jumps through a window. Well, Jennifer, it seems like you got stuck here. Have you guys tried anything so far? Nope.

It's been like eight seconds. I know, for real. Where do you live? Yeah, how do you get in here? You're like a phantom of this place. I've booked one of your rooms. Sometimes when the missus gets a little fed up with me, I'll book a room just to, you know,

give her some space to cool down. So I'm checked into one of your rooms. You're not married. Okay, I'm going to push her from one side, and then Chip, if you can, pull her from the other side. Yes, I'll grab her little snout. Because you're going to try to pull her out, but she's pretty small and you don't want to tear her apart,

roll for dexterity. I roll a four. four oh she's dead um 16 altogether okay so with no help from chip pulling you push and it seems like jennifer's butt is moving through the the banister uh but then she goes oh oh no, my butt's getting too close to my head. The top part of me is not moving. Stop, please. And so you either can choose to kill Jennifer or back off a bit. Whoa, whoa. All right.

Give me a second to think, OK? Give me some space here. Oh, my God. We would lose half of our audience. We might. I choose not to kill her. And I would like to be celebrated for that choice. Thank you, Chalice.

Beef's going to come back into the bar, but through the door. And he's holding his sandwich that he found. And it's all cheese. It's an all cheese sandwich. I found my sandwich. It was in the bushes when I jumped through the window. Could you believe? Lucky.

Oh, we're all so thrilled, Beef. Beef, were you planning on getting Jennifer out using your sandwich? Yeah. Or were you just walking in here telling us that you found your sandwich? No. That's exactly what I was going to do. You guys, come on. I'm getting scared. Please do sandwich. No. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to do. You guys, come on. I'm getting scared.

Please do something. Push. Push. You push yourself. Beef, you're just eating your sandwich and telling Jennifer to push. Oh, my God, you guys, this isn't funny. Please do something.

All right, Jennifer, hear me out. I just have one question I have to ask. Can you cook and live your life from that banister? No. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Right in this moment, there's a bunch of people with floral arrangements coming in. And I'm like, yeah, no, anywhere.

And then there's this big banner and it says, in memoriam, Jennifer on it. And this is a picture of Jennifer. And I'm like, I mean, I think this is it. I think this is just about it. All right. So I think. Okay. That doesn't even

make any sense. How did you, how were you able to do all this and organize this in that amount of time? I haven't talked in a little while.

I was busy. All right. Hey, I'm over here trying to mourn you. Okay. Where do you want this casket?

And Beef has a tiny little. Aw, Beef, that's want this casket? And Beef has a tiny little... Aw, Beef, that's the cutest casket I ever saw. You guys, please! Jennifer starts sobbing. Aw, Jennifer, Jennifer. I will just yank one of the two sides of the banister that she's stuck between.

Just yank it off. Oh, great idea. Don't worry, Jennifer. It's going to be fixed in like a second. Okay, right in front of Jennifer's face, I whip out my giant, huge battle axe and I go to town on one of the banisters. It sounded so sexual.

Just like, just do it normal. Do it normal style. And Chip, why don't you roll for strength? And I botch. You botch? I do botch yes okay well and i call back to is it episode one or is it episode two uh much like gimli um at the uh gathering in rivendell when he goes to just destroy the ring you have that kind of energy you have some big gimli energy and you hit the banister and you explode off of it and you fly flies back in the air 10 feet and hits the ground mr pibb leans in to the banister and inspects it and goes i don't think this is any ordinary wood

fine i'll buy it i'll buy it yeah you could have kept talking if you wanted to but yeah what's the deal are you curious i mean i might have some information that you guys might find useful mr pibb here's the thing we are really trying to not encourage you to be mr exposition around here so we made a deal to each other that we'd ignore you best we can every time you come in, even if you have information that we may need. So that's what you're sensing. Now, upon further inspection, it looks like, yep, uh-huh. And he tastes it. Yep, this is morning wood. And that's M-O-U-R-N-I-N-G, wood. It means that someone died holding this very railing and their soul was trapped

inside. It must have been someone pretty powerful because mourning wood is impervious to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage, so we won't be able to cut or break our little friend out. But, there is another option. Nobody say anything.

Do not encourage him. You guys. I gotta know. He's smiling. You gotta know that I gotta tell ya. No. Oh, okay. No. That was a stretch. The other option

is we could pop her head off and get her out of there in two pieces no problem. But there's a pretty high risk that she wouldn't survive the procedure. Why is that? Right in this moment, there's an entire polka band coming into the bar and they're all wearing black. There's no way you could have organized this in that amount of time. I haven't said a word in a bit.

I've been all over the phones. This is the sixth band I called, all right? They're not my first choice. Do you think Seb, with his anxiety, hasn't planned all of our funerals down to the detail? He's an anxious kind of guy. He's prepared for everything. Looking at each one of you, Beef, Funeral Pyre, Chip,

Bicey, Chalice, cannon into the atmosphere. And just so you can always be in space you're my shining star what you're gonna throw me into the sea absolutely in a burlap bag not that i've had a second to think there actually might be another way don't ask don't no beef i see you about to. What? No, Beef. Don't, don't. What? Beef's trying to lift up his little finger inquisitively, and I keep trying to push it down.

But I gotta ask, what do you mean? What do you mean? Oh, yeah, that feels good. Oh, no. Ew, good. Oh, no. Ew. God. Only saw the whites of his eyes. Ew.

I hate this guy. I hate this guy so much. Ew. Who are you and how did you get here? You guys shut up and let him talk, please. Jennifer, I don't know if it's worth it. What you'll need to do is get a special compound called margarine. Rub it on her head and she'll slip right out.

Okay, where do we get it? Where do we get it? What is that and what? And why are you here? I don't know much about it to be honest but um sometimes they carry it at a gus chicken shoppo things we just got to get through this do you need anything else well if you're gonna make a run um let's see sorry do we need anything else oh oh okay no no i'm kind of curious what else do you need okay let's let's look. Yeah, we got to go through our to-do. So to-do, number one, go to Gus's Shoppo things.

And then number two, kill Mr. Pip. Actually, let's just kind of move that one up in terms of priorities. Yeah, we'll move that right on up. Jennifer, you coming? Oh. Oh, that's mean, Chalice. I wasn't even thinking. I'm sorry.

We almost never invite her to come with us. It's so mean. It's really mean. Yeah, it is mean. Oh, my God. Jennifer, I didn't even mean to do that. That is funny, though. This is the first time I've invited you, but I really wish you could come.

The door opens and Jalpert walks in. What's up, guys? Oh, hey, Dr. Piv, I'm here for my appointment. Oh, my God, Jennifer, are you okay? Not really. I'm really stuck in the banister, Jalpert. Thanks for asking. Oh, but Jalpert, you're so strong.

Maybe if you slice the banister with your sword. Yeah, you guys haven't tried that yet? He's setting you up. He's trying to get you. Oh, you're so strong. Maybe if you slice the banister with your sword. Yeah. You guys haven't tried that yet? He's setting you up. He's trying to get you. Oh, you scamp. Come here, you. And he tries to kind of wrestle with you a little bit. Hey, Jal.

What's up, Sepp? So I see this little to-do list. Oh, man. Number one, doesn't look good for somebody here. Number two, we're going to Gus Chiggin's Shop of Things. Oh, yeah. You can come too if you want yeah but don't you have your doctor's appointment yeah but what are you getting checked out that's personal beef yeah i need to know and it's personal to me it's personal to me

all right you don't have to answer but i'm just to put my hand over different parts of your body and when it is the thing that is sick, I need you to say, shake your head yes. I need you to say, shake your head yes. I'm on your crotch. Shake my head yes. That's what I was afraid of. All right.

Why did you tell them that? They're my best friends. Oh, no. The dynamics in here are nuts.'t you agree seb sorry i'm just letting the tabernacle choir in here all right wherever you guys sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a question for you what's the right amount the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was

some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So you guys approach and walk into Gus Chiggin' Chappo Things and are greeted by Gus himself. Well, howdy, y'all. Welcome back.

It's been a minute. Hey, man. It's great to see you. Yeah, Beef walks up and gives him a big old bear hug. I think the last time we saw you, we were stealing rope from you, huh? Nope. I'm begging your pardon? The prices here are just

so low, it feels like it's theft. Yeah, yeah, well, I appreciate the kind words. What can I do for you folks? Mr. Gus, do you have any margarine? We are looking for margarine. Well, that stuff is mighty hard to come by.

It can only be created from the milk of a centaur. Now, if I did have it, I might be willing to sell it for an outrageous amount. Do you have it or not? No, I don't. Okay, Jesus.

If you did, what would happen? Well, I would sell it to you for an outrageous amount. Or we'd steal it. Excuse me? Because you would give us such a good price that it's practically criminal. Nice. Roll for deception this time.

That's a 16. Now, I don't have it. However, if I did have a helpful piece of information, I just might be willing to tell you. For a prize. An outrageous prize! Okay. What, a kiss?

What, two kisses? Two kisses. How many kisses? Let's make it three kisses. Oh! Jalpert looks over at Chalice like, are we going to get in on the kiss train? Five kisses. Oh! Jalbert looks over at Chalice like, are we going to get in on the kiss train? Five kisses.

Whoa, Chalice. Roll for persuasion. Whoever wants to. I'll do it. Oop. Sorry. 11. Gus kind of looks around at all five of you,

and then we're all posing in a sexy pose. There's like a lot of loose cheese stuck between teeth and beef's teeth, kind of just like wedged in there. It's like, oh. I'd rather deal in gold when it comes to you folks. How much? What's outrageous about? I'll give you the information. How much? Um, what's outrageous?

How about, I'll give you the information, for ten gold pieces. What the f- Alright, I think, I think Jennifer's gotta die. Come on, you guys, uh, you know, I see you've been doing pretty well over there at Bottoms Up, and, you know, with Beefa, your household name at this point in Frasier, I am a pretty big fan. I guess maybe guess maybe um i know you got the money but something that could be worth a little more would

be a uh a personalized song from my wife darla come out here and she walks out and she looks like part human, part banjo. She's half banjo, half woman. I'm sorry? Excuse me? Excuse me? Now, would you mind playing a song on my wife? On your wife? On your wife.

It would be an honor, Beef. Sean, can you please describe Darla in detail? Yeah, I'd actually like to know a full detail. I know inevitably I'm going to have to draw Darla. So if you could please be there. Where are the eyes? Yeah, where do the strings start and end? Yeah, you're basically

cursing will lead to a terrible afternoon of drawing, so you can at least go into detail. Okay, so here's what Darla looks like. So her face is basically, her mouth is the guitar hole. Famously is not on a banjo, but okay. Oh, shit.

This banjo has that. This banjo has a very small one. One of those infused. And then her eyes are like right above that. And then the whole neck is her hair. Great. And then her little appendages kind of come off the circle itself. Okay, I'll make sure to draw this as horrifyingly as possible.

This is just another unrealistic beauty standard. Thanks for this, Sean. I'll never look like that. This is what rock and roll is. Right, guys? Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen you so turned on as you are right now. I guess I'm doing this?

Okay. Wow. This is kind of incredible. How did we get here? This is the most nervous Beef has ever been about anything. God, oh my God. He's blushing.

You comfy, Darla? Because I'm about to... Chalice walks over and hands him ten cold coin. Oh, thank God. No! Well, all right. Now listen here. Now listen here.

The piece of information that I have is that there's a center that's been known to roam the far south in this here valley at around this time of year and he points it out to you on a map it's a bit of a journey but i'm fairly confident he'll be around that area you guys see that in order to get there you have to get across about 10 miles of water in order to reach the valley that he's pointing out. Now, I must warn you before you go. Centaurs like this one consider their milk sacred and have been known to attack and kill on sight

for much less offensive requests. Hell, this one in particular has been known to attack and kill on sight for no particular reason at all. Well, good luck. And then he scoops up Darla and kind of starts like, and then kind of goes through the back door of the shop and it closes behind him. Wait. Ugh.

You guys make your way to the docks of Frasier, and all the fishing boats are out, and they're actively fishing right now since it's still really it's like late morning now can I have you guys roll for perception 16 16 hey hey 19 you guys see that on the whole dock and the whole like marina there are only two boats that are even tied up to the docks and one of them you see is like completely dilapidated the sail is just a patchwork quilt of previous holes that it's had that have been sewn up it looks pretty leaky and it looks like it's on its last leg the other looks like a pretty solid um sailing vessel and beef kind of pokes his nose in there to see the inner workings and beef you find a tall brown haired human woman is taking a nap in that one and she jumps up with a start. Whoa. Oh. What? What are you doing there, dude?

Me? I'm Beef. You're Beef? You are Beef. You're famous. Oh. Holy. I've been to so many of your concerts and performances, man.

I'm Lena Gennetti. I'm the captain. Lena, sorry. I'm Beef's manager. You probably wouldn't be interested. Beef's looking for a new muse to spend time with. You probably wouldn't be interested. It would just be like we need to just go to work with you,

and then Beef would observe you, and then write a bunch of songs about you and how great you are. But you're probably not interested in that. You're right. I'm not. Well, actually, roll for persuasion. Because they could be. No, they're not. I'm not. Well, actually, roll for persuasion. Because they could be. No, they're not.

I rolled a one, so. You rolled a one? No, you've got the wrong idea about Lena Giannetti. Let me tell you something. I am not someone who's, you know, trying to clamor towards fame, like, or just get involved in some other artist's process. That's,'s like the least of my concerns. I just want to enjoy

life, man. That's why I run this party barge. It's a party boat. We want to have a party. Nice. Thank you. What kind of party do you want to do? Sort of like a wake for our friend that's on their

way out. Oh, yeah yeah i heard about that there's a lot of my friends who are in like the um events business that are actually working uh a wake type event today basically the only catch is that it's going to cost you an outrageous amount it's an outrageous price the other vessel though is for if you want to just take that out on your own. Yeah. I almost said that earlier. I knew we were going to end up on that one. Did anybody else?

Anybody else? I was walking towards that one. Yeah. You just kind of poked your head in here on the way to the dilapidated one. Yeah. You're going to take the leaky Voyager? Yeah. We don't have any more money.

Wait. We could steal the boat. From me? Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Give us your boat. I know who you more money. Wait, we could steal the boat. From me? Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, give us your boat. I like know who you guys are. No, no, give us your boat.

I guess we're doing this. Give us your boat. Yeah, we're doing this. Yeah, give us your boat. Give us your boat. I turn into a wolf and I try to intimidate. Natural 20, you're fucked. Oh my God, literally calm down. Get in. This is like the worst party i've ever had we'll just cut to you guys on the water moving towards the valley in the southland as we sail

away i'm like waving at the dilapidated boat fate should have made us take and thinking about all the journey of us bailing out water and probably sinking mid-sail and how much fun that would have been. And Seb is just chasing his tail and is getting so seasick. Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me. Beef's in the crow's nest singing with the birds. Whoa, land hell. Hey, Beef, I told you to let me know when you saw land. Oh, my bee.

It's right there. So you guys dock, you pull up onto a sandy shore. What do you want to do? I feel like we should tie her up so that she doesn't just sail away. Yeah, tie her up. I didn't vote for that. Okay, do you want to come with us or do you want to hang out here? I'll hang out here.

Just tie me up. You guys are the worst. for that. Okay, do you want to come with us or do you want to hang out here? I'll hang out here. Just time you. You guys are the worst. Are we tired to like a tree nearby? And with that, you guys see that the sun actually just set over the watery horizon. And so it is twilight now, which means there's tons of vampires running around everywhere. No, it's twilight now, which means there's tons of vampires running around everywhere. No, it's twilight now, which means that it's dark,

and it's kind of like a purple sky. And right as the sun's setting, you can kind of still see the faint outlines of the mountains that surround this valley. From the beach, you could kind of walk directly into the valley that Gus pointed out to you on the map. You guys, my legs are getting a little tired. Can one of us drive?

Yeah, I got it. Chip, you want to drive? Come on. Booyah! I call head. I call head. Shotgun. Which means he holds me like a princess.

Jalper calls ass. Chip sticks out his big ass. Beef clings onto his leg like a kid. I put my ass in drive, and I waddle over to wherever the centaur are. It is taking Chip a little bit, even with his ass in drive, to get over there with all the other four on him. So it is like very dark now. It is past twilight. It is nighttime.

And you're in a valley. You can see the stars in the sky. That's the only thing telling you that you're in a valley. You can see the stars in the sky. That's the only thing telling you that you're in a valley and surrounded by mountains. Other than that, it's very dark. So why don't you guys roll for perception? Eight. Nine. I'm a six. Twelve. Okay. So none of you see a centaur. None of you see any clues as to if a centaur's even been around but chip what you see is a faint light that's coming from the nearest rock face of a mountain i'm going i'm doing i'm heading towards the light that's good yep okay as you guys approach it becomes clear that this is a cave a faint light is flickering

off of the cave walls what do you guys want to do i wanted to go in and yell daddy's home great yeah i think we all wanted beef to do that yeah yeah i can confirm that was also my plan my god oh i have been way too easy on you guys if this is how you think playing D&D goes. I am. Oh my God. Okay, so you guys enter the cave and you can see that the cave goes a good 30 feet back, this tunnel of the cave,

before winding to the right. And so what you're seeing is, you know, some sort of fire, whether it's a torch or bonfire or whatever, that light is bouncing off the cave wall. And if I had this right, Beef, you're walking down the cave

and past the entrance and at some point yelling, Daddy's home. Is that correct? Well, yeah, because everyone has a daddy coming home and I'm tricking them to think that maybe- You need to justify this. Yeah, yeah. And I'm the daddy. We understand. I'm the daddy coming home and I'm tricking them to think that maybe you need to justify this. Yeah.

I'm the daddy. We understand. I'm the daddy coming home. We all put up the T for trickery. So why don't you roll for deception? Alright. With disadvantage please. And honey, that's a 20. That's a net 20. Hey, before I heard the number I said with

disadvantage. Damn it! No! I did. I got it out before. Let the record, I said with disadvantage. Damn it. Because. No. I did. I got it out before. Let the record show. Just roll another 20. Well, fine. 11 plus five. So 16?

Yeah. Well, shit. Okay. Yes. That's pretty high. Way too easy on you, Sean. From a distance to the cave, you hear echoing back, Father?

Yes, Daddy. Daddy's home. You're speaking to me from beyond the grave? Oh, no. And then Beef looks at them and he's like, and then he goes, Yes, actually, I'm here for something

I need. Anything, Father. I'm here for something I need. Anything, Father. I've always been wondering what you wanted of me, what I should do, what I should become. I need, and can I have the gang pick me up and use my body and do shadow puppets to make them think we're a ghost of his father? So Seb unzips the front of his suit and he is in

his black leotard, his puppeteering leotard and I start doing the puppets. He's always ready. He's always ready. Yes. Yes. Roll for performance. 13 plus 5. An 18. What do you say? My child, I've come beyond the

grave to say I need you to give me something. I need you to leave a big thing of margarine at the foot of the cave and don't ask any questions. Guys, anything else you want to, anything else you want me to say? Father, I can see your shadow. Yes. I can see it. I need to, I've longed for so long to

see you again, and you hear galloping hoofs. No, no, don't see me! Tell him that you'll disappear if he sees you. Don't look at me or I'll vanish, my little child, my baby, my beautiful little baby. Don't look at me! I have to try to see you, Father, to no don't you dare and then they round the corner and then we hide so why don't you roll for stealth

all of you oh no what is wrong with me today i I rolled a six. Nobody look at me. I rolled a six. I rolled a six. Nobody look at Aaron. Damn. I rolled a 24. Whoa, beef. Beef backflips off Seb and puts his back to the wall and all but disappears. Leaving my friends out in the open.

disappears. Leaving my friends out in the open. I unzip my leotard and I am a perfect boulder costume and I go to the ground because I rolled a 20, a natural 20. What about Jalpert? How's Jalpert? Jalpert rolled a five. The flame and the light that was coming from a torch that the centa's holding, they blow it out. So the whole cave goes completely dark. And you just hear thundering hooves as they get closer and closer. And it's coming fast. And all of a sudden, does a 25 hit you, Chalice? Oh, God.

Yeah. So if a centaur moves at least 30 feet straight toward a target and then hits it with a pike attack on the same turn, target takes an extra 10 piercing damage. Oh, my God. I'm okay. Oh, my God. Chalice dead.

It does 16 damage. Yeah. All right. I'm out. Oh, boy. Wow. That got me. I'll admit it. I'll admit boy wow that got me i'll admit it i'll admit it that got me

beef and sub you guys just hid there and watched well i thought that's what we were doing and then we were hiding and jealous that was the plan for everyone some of us actually so did we me and chalice were also up against the wall looking horrible. Yeah, so Jalpert screams, no! Watching. Oh, give me a break. As Chalice falls to the ground, maybe dead, but at least unconscious for sure. And let's have everyone roll for initiative. 19.

Oh my God, a nat 20. Not the time. I got an eight. I got an eight. I got a 10. Now that the centaur's in the moonlight, you've all rolled for initiative. You can see, so it's a female centaur

who's like, she's jacked and the bottom half of her is a Midwest like spotted cow. Oh, okay. Oh, it's one of those. You dare enter the cave of Bovine acting like my deceased father? Well, you will pay the ultimate price.

Yeah, sorry about that. She lashes out with her hooves this time and is going for Beef's head. Whoa, 17. Does that hit? Yeah. 11 damage. All right.

I'm at one now. Oh, yeah. And now it is Chip's turn. While this is happening, Chalice is sort of murmuring, almost like she's sleep talking, and it's bad. While this is happening, Chalice is sort of like murmuring, almost like she's sleep talking, and it's bad. She's saying stuff like,

Chip's girlfriend is fake and can't. She's fake. And Beef's really hurt right next to Chalice, and he's just murmuring like, shh, shh, shh, shh, girl. You're doing yourself in trouble, girly. They're so connected emotionally that even though they're basically

both half dead, they are still connected. Yeah, there's also canonically a big horseshoe imprint on Beast's bald forehead right now. It looks good, though. It looks really good. Thank you. Chip takes out his battle axe and starts

murmuring, I have a girlfriend and she's real. He loves me a lot and she's definitely real. And then I swipe at bow. 19. That hits. Do some damage. 13.

Wow. Okay. Great. Seb, you are up next. Alright, so I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to discreetly, stealthily put my little hands out, and I am going to use Cure Wounds. Aw. I see you're still trying to hide as a boulder.

You're not helping. Yes, I'm still not known. as a boulder you're not helping yes yes i still not known a bunch of like hairs come out of my ears and they like get really long and they turn white and then they kind of fall down and then they fall out of my ears and then uh a bunch of smoke comes out of my nose and then you're gonna do this all stealthily easy easy easy and it's so discreet. And then there's like kind of one of those things. It's like an egg timer is going off and it's like ding. And then I'm done. Seems loud.

Well, but it's, but again, it is so stealthy. It is so good. 1d8 plus three, 11. Whoa. Incredible. And I spit out a bunch of water. Jalpert is just so beside himself that Chalice just came back. He's like, oh my god!

You're alive! I thought I lost you! That he forfeits his turn. He's just too emotional. Oh my god. Absolutely useless. Give me a break. I love you so much. I love you so much. Okay. Are we fighting, though? Beef, you take over. God! He looks like he's not doing anything.

God! Freaking fine. Freaking fine. He looks like he's not doing anything. God. Freaking fine. Freaking fine. Something's really wrong with his dangle. Yeah, he has got a sick crotch. Chalice also seems surprised by that. Did she not know? Does she not know what's going on?

Yeah. Maybe she should get her crotch looked at, too. Well, maybe Pibb is still there. Maybe we should all get our crotches checked out. All right. Stop talking to me, Chip. Don't be gross, you guys. Hey, we're saving ourselves for marriage. What?

Does that go against? Stouffer. Oh, my God. Stouffer. We don't want to know that, man. What are you doing? This is the biggest reveal of the season. Stop.

He's. Stop. Stop. Everybody, let's focus. We're going to. I almost died. Our sex life is between us, and it doesn't exist yet because we're not married.

Oh, my God. So you guys haven't done it yet? What the hell? Chalice lays back down like she's dead. She's just trying to get back to being dead. And Beef's like, smart move. Smart move, girly. All right, what does Beef do?

I want to try to slash this guy's legs with a little dagger. Okay, 17 plus four. Whoa, that hits. Roll that D4 plus two. It was a four. So you got six. Nice. Yeah, what did it look like?

I want to do like a cool, like, what does Tom Cruise do? He like slipping and sliding on the ground. Scientology. Yes, Scientology. I want to Scientology his ass and slide right on through her ass. Slide on right through the middle of her legs and pull out two little daggers from my pants. And I slice the bottom of her legs as I slip and slide through her legs.

She goes, oh, that's going to leave a mark. She's not taking this very seriously. Chalice, it is your turn. You've got your HP back, 11 points. Chalice opens one of her eyes because she's obviously playing dead still. What do I do? Whatever you think will cause some major damage.

Break up with Jalbert. Just kidding. That would be really funny. Yeah, I'm going to... Major damage. My firebolt has 120 feet. I'll do that. Yeah.

18. Wow. And then 1d that. Yeah. 18. Wow. And then 1d10. 5. Nice. Jalpert, who had previously given up his turn, he's been motivated by Chalice and goes, you're so brave, babe.

I can be brave too. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. And he takes out his broadsword and i hope he misses well what was that chip said i hope he misses beef don't tell oh really good really good oh my god this rock is wet is that rock talking sorry sorry jalpert runs screaming towards bow bow kind of braces ready for impact. Jalpert kind of fakes right and

then rolls and with the roll does a huge slash, connects and then punches them as well with his other hand and Bo goes down and Jalpert lifts his sword up and goes for love!

Yeah, well, I mean, we got a couple of hits in there too before you did the final one. Yeah, good teamwork, everybody. That was a group effort. I think we all did well. Seb probably did the biggest things, healing Chalice. That was awesome, man.

You get most of the credit for all of this. That was really nice. The rock that did Seb just farts. All right, let's poke around for some milk. I mean, we could milk this unconscious being,. Let's poke around for some milk. I mean, we could milk this unconscious being, but maybe let's look for some milk. Yeah, let's maybe look for some milk maybe that they just have stored elsewhere.

Bo kind of just stirs and then like groggily kind of comes awake. Seb casts Entangle and now that centaur is stuck. Nice. How dare you? You come into my cave, my house, personate my father. What is it that you want?

Just a little bit of milk or margarine, if you have that prepared, I guess. Of course, of course. It's all anyone ever wants. But of course, I'm not allowed in society at large. No one ever lets me come to a party or even walk inside any establishment because in Frasier, pants are required at pretty much every single store and location and gathering and bar. So yeah, maybe I am a little quick to fighting, but you brought the fight to me this time.

I hate you people, and I hate all of Frasier and society. Oh man, I wish that that made me think of something. Oh guys, Jennifer was right. We gotta do a bottomless day. Wait, what are you- Bottomless day. Oh, from before! This is starting to feel like one of those things

where Jennifer tricks us to get what she wants. Oh, you think this was all a ruse? I think this might have all been a ruse. All right, come on out. Come on out, Jennifer. And then you see a little rat come around the corner and it walks up to you and it's just a normal rat. Oh, yeah. Okay. So this wasn't a ruse just a normal rat. Oh yeah, okay.

So this wasn't a ruse. She's done. Oh, thank God. So Chalice like crouches down to be like eye level and goes, hey, if you need a break from this crazy world, see a friend and fill your cup.

And then hands them like a little bottoms up card that has the address on it. Find Sebastian, Chalice, that's me, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. Come to Bottomless Brunch anytime, pal. Actually, you know what?

Why don't you come back with us on the party boat? We're going to go to Bottomless Brunch right now. What do you say? I mean, you just beat me near death. And you killed me a second ago. You did that to me and her. You're right. And also, this is kind of what we do.

When we get to the boat, you'll see that we kidnapped the captain. And you're saying that once I get there, I'll be allowed in and I won't have to wear pants? No pants. Right, Beef? I haven't been wearing pants this whole time. And no one said a thing. Beef, you got to get your crotch checked out. Oh, whoa.

Wow. It's changed on my travels. It's all pixelated. It looks pixelated. It's pixelated. It's changed. It's blurry now pixelated. It looks pixelated. It's pixelated. It's changed. It's blurry now. What the hell?

So then we cut to the whole gang, including Bo and Lena, pulling up back to shore in Frasier just as Lena wins the booty shaking limbo contest where you're doing limbo and shaking your booty at the same time and wins it. Y'all, I

ended up, despite myself, having a pretty good time but you still owe me 10 gold pieces so whenever you get that just drop it off. Hey, when you need something and fill your cup,

just meet us at the Noble Bottom Up, and he hands her a business card. Not for Bottoms Up, though, right? Just a random other business card? Yeah. I grab Beef San and start leading him away. All right, come on, Beef. Let's get out of here.

You enter Bottoms Up. Cool. So as soon as we walk in there, it is just filled with all sorts of vendors and everything. There's a taco truck outside for the funeral. And then there is- There's hired mourners that are weeping. Hired mourners who are like, oh!

And then there's a bunch of soldiers in uniform about to do a 21 shoot. Hey, Jennifer, thanks for staying put. Nice. Seriously, you guys. This has been horrible. Jennifer, I almost died today. Beef almost died today.

We got the margarine and look. And then we all take off our pants. Welcome to the first ever bottomless brunch, Jennifer. Oh my god! Oh, Beef, you should get that checked out. Yeah, things are different. Yeah, things are different.

Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Oh, and who's this tall glass of milk? Well, that's a glass of milk. We have to turn it into margarine to get you unstuck. And this is our friend Bo, a centaur. Hi, Jennifer. Heard a lot about you.

Excited to be here. I haven't been in public at an establishment like this in quite some time. I'm a little nervous, to be honest. No, not now. Not now. And then all of a sudden, I'm a little nervous, to be honest. No, not now! Not now! And then all of a sudden, the soldiers start doing the 21-gun salute, and it is so deafeningly loud, and the windows are shattering inside of the bar. Chalice comes down the stairs. It's like the middle of the night.

She's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry. And she's trying to make the butter, like the margarine as quickly as she can because they totally forgot to actually get Jennifer out. Thanks for forgetting. I just sit through my own funeral.

I got Tom Sawyer. And out. Hello. Hello. Hi. And we're out. new collective called Chai Lacks. It's a collective comprised of Chicago comedy style comedians that are living in LA now. Hence the Chai and the LAX. See what we did there? Every Wednesday at 7pm at the Yard Theater, you can see a Chicago style show. Like I'm talking about our buddies Wet Bus is the second Wednesday of every month. Woo Lee, Sean and Aaron. We'll be there, baby. I host the Illuminati hour, which is the first Wednesday of the month with my good buddy, Damon Royster.

And our next show is November 2nd. Follow us on Instagram at the Illuminati hour to stay up to date or go check out the yard theater calendar. Cause they've got some great shows, man. Oh, it looks like my car's here. See y'all later.

Oh, looks like my car's here. See y'all later. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song and Sean Marr did the editing on this one. Consider joining our Patreon and help us as we inch closer and closer to our stretch goal of 500 patrons. Doing so means we'll release a one-shot GM'd by Aaron Keefe inspired by the TV series Lost. The support from our patrons is really what makes this show possible. How we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we really do love so much.

all the expenses that go into creating the show that we really do love so much. So hop on now for $5 and you can get access to over 30 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is Ben's New Talent Show Part 3. In this recurring Patreon favorite, Ben pushes the rest of us to discover new talents we never knew we had, like doing an impression of Ryan Reynolds in a cricket wireless commercial, or how fast can you drink a glass of water without dying? So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun.

Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.