SitcomD&D - S2 E13: Number One Fan (w/ Kennedy Baldwin)

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

Beef’s biggest fan (Kennedy Baldwin) arrives at Bottom’s up to try and win a date with Beef. The gang will have to know Beef better than he knows himself to protect him from getting “Miseryed” Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest:Kennedy Baldwin Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Kennedy, your house looks so cozy. I just wanted to say that. It looks like perfect autumn coziness. I want to lay on that couch. Yeah, me too. Under a nice blanket. That couch has a nice chas or whatever it's called.

Thank you. If I'm being honest, I cleaned from this part of my apartment to over here, to sort of the visible part. The other part, not on camera, is a disaster right now. It's going to topple over with stuffed animals and toys. There's a lot of mud and dirt.

Huh? Huh? Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it, we're going to pick up Inside Bottoms Up, where the bar is hustling and bustling and filled to the brim with Beef's Fan Club, a.k.a. Beef's Jerkies. And Beef's Jerkies are excited as hell to meet their hero. People are dressed like beef and talking about their favorite beef performance moments and all around having a great time

when Jennifer makes her way to the stage to make an announcement to the bar. And so we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling... Dice! Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world

to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Pete at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes

But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass Here's to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else.

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Attention, everyone. Sign-ups are now open to play the dating game with Beef. That's right. If you win, you get to go on a date with the famous performer himself. It's just 10 gold pieces to sign up, and all of the proceeds are going to charity. Yep, that's right. We like to give back when we can. So if you want to win a date with Beef, you can sign up to play the dating game at the booth in the back over there. And a line immediately begins to form where you're all sitting. And a frail, lovely young lady wearing a where's the beef hand knitted sweater is about to introduce herself and sign up when she is shoved off of her feet and out of the picture by a different person.

And Kennedy, would you like to describe what your character looks like? So my character is a tiefling bard.'s got horns and green skin red kind of fire eyes like almost look like flames in the eyeballs long tail sharp um and uh she she plays the talk box which is that instrument where you put a like a straw in your mouth and you talk and it sounds wonky. It sounds like auto-tune. Yes. And her name's Trixie. Incredible.

Oh, my God. This is what I've literally always been waiting for. I know once he lays his eyes on me, finally, it's going to be game over. It's going to be game over, okay? So, hi. Hi hi I'm Chalice we need your name really quick

I'm so sorry I'm Trixie just before we get into the game we have no external internal monologues so that last one's not gonna to be permissible later. You didn't know, but I just wanted to let you know. Yeah, starting now.

Starting now. Starting now. No external internal monologues. People always underestimate me. Story of my life. It's like, yeah, that's me. Talking to people who are like totally f***ing dumb. Okay, well, there's not a narrator.

Like you're not a narrator. Like, you're not a narrator. Seb, it's okay. I got this. So, we just need you to fill this out, your first name, your address, and one thing you love about beef. Yeah, so it's Trixie. Is that Trixie with an X or a C-K-S?

Correct. So, I live on 340 Neverwinter Lane. Oh, nice. It's really beautiful over there. It's really gorgeous over there. She's never been there. Oh, my God. And one thing you love about Beef.

Oh, God. It's literally so hard to pick. I guess how, like, big and strong he is. Huh. Hmm. Never described that way. Yeah. Like, the most bustling, like, just hunk of a man.

You know what I mean? Hey, guys, I'm having trouble opening up this soda. Does anybody mind ripping this cap off for me? Yeah, let me get that. Grab it, crush it, throw it across the room. Thanks, man. Beef runs after it. The beef jerkies are screaming as soon as Beef just made that little appearance and are going nuts behind Trixie in line.

Calm down, calm down. Shut the f*** up. You'll all get a piece of beef later. Let's just all relax. Stay in line. I know how excited you are to see him, but we all gotta calm down. So Trixie, great. You will be on stage in the dating game.

Perfect. Where am I kind of in the lineup? Well, we got to see how many people sign up. So we'll take the next person the person behind you it's crazy to be the only person with any intelligence bye okay bye um hey ladies actually before we check in we're gonna we're gonna before we sign up we're gonna kind of come over here ladies and guy ladies and dale of course i just wanted to say that like this is obviously such a big day for all of us but it is kind of

big for one of us in particular dale dale i obviously you know that i like love you so much if you speak one more time out of turn i will stab you anyway she's not kidding dale you really should shut up i've like obviously been dreaming about this ever since. Like I saw Beef kind of run past me that one time at the supermarket. Like I knew that that was my man. Like I knew that like he's for me. So I just want to say that like if anybody else signs up for this fucking dating game, you're out of the fucking club.

Do you understand? You'll never see Beef again. I will gouge out your goddamn eyeballs so that you never see him. I will stab you in the ear so you can never hear his gorgeous voice. Do you understand? Is everybody getting it?

Is everybody getting it? Woo! Dale's in on response because everyone else is shocked, silent, and they look horrified, but this isn't unfamiliar territory because they've been part of the beef jerkies. They've been part of the fan club. They know Trixie's deal.

So they just like silently nod their head and kind of shuffle out of line in different stunned directions. Why don't you guys roll for perception to see if you overheard any of that? 17? 17 as well. Seb and Chalice, you overhear most of what Trixie just told the rest of the beef jerkies, so you kind of know

why nobody's walking over to sign up at this point. Next. There's really nobody there. Looks like the line's kind of dwindling. This is an awesome opportunity. Why don't you get up here and show them just what they're missing out on if they don't sign up to potentially get a date with you.

I'm not going up there. No one's signed up. I'm not going up there. Get out there. It's for charity. Charity for who? Charity for what? It's for Chalice's friend, Charity.

She's going through kind of a rough time. Her parents suspended her allowance. Yeah, she only has like a million gold coin to her name, Beef. It's really sad. Okay. That's what this is for? Yeah. The telethon was just to help someone get a new carriage.

Rich people have problems too, Seb. Seb, you're embarrassing yourself. You sound so poor right now. Idiot. I am poor. I should sound exactly like this. Seb, Seb, Seb. What?

I do not feel good about Beef going on a date with that lady. No, what's... Are you kidding me? She narrates out loud, strike one. Strike one. She threatened to kill people, strike two. And she kind of madeates out loud, strike one. Strike one. She's ready to kill people, strike two. And she kind of made fun of me, strike three. Chalice grabs the sheet of paper and jots Chip, Seb, and her name down on the piece of paper.

Oh, but isn't it going to be weird if we sign up? What if we... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hear me out, wigwagon. Wigwagon part two. Okay, I'll grab the wigwagon. Wigwagon part two. Okay. I'll grab the wigwagon. It's right behind the cult box.

Yeah, somehow feels uninspired, but yeah, let's go ahead and do it. Yep. All right. Well, now we just need to get Beef to pick one of us earnestly. As if that would be a problem. You think he's going to pick you? Chip, be serious. I am being serious.

Wait, you think he's going to pick you? Chip, be serious. I am being serious. Wait, you think he's going to pick you? Yeah, or Seb. Yeah, or Seb. Seb over me? Yes, dude. For what? For what reason? Look at me.

I crush another cane and I throw it across the room. I rest my case. You're not gentle, man. Yeah, I rest my case too. Okay, well then maybe I'll play somebody gentle. Maybe I'll play Gentle Jared the Giant. How's that sound? I was going to be that.

I was going to be Gentle Jared the Giant. You can't take mine. Okay, you can have that one. And we're going to cut to right before the dating game. The crowd is gathered around the stage. The beef jerkeys are hooting and hollering. And Jennifer takes the stage. Single spotlight.

She's the host of The Dating Game. Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for being here. What an awesome turnout for such an awesome cause. Isn't it nice to be giving to charity? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool, cool. In just a second, I'm going to bring out our four contestants

who will be duking it out, answering questions from We Love Him, We Know Him, and We Love Him, Beef. Don't come out yet, though, Beef. That's not yet. So let me walk you through kind of what this stage looks like right now. So right in the middle, there's like this huge divider that separates where Beef's going to be sitting, this single stool here versus these four stools over here. So Beef won't be able to see the contestants.

Now Beef's going to ask some questions and the contestants got to answer honestly. And at the end of the questions people decide who he's gonna go on a date with and that's the dating game any questions i've never had a question my whole life it's so stupid to have questions anyone who has questions i just literally can't with them chalice slowly lowers her hand and puts it behind her back. Okay, awesome. Now, I'm going to allow our contestants to introduce themselves one at a time. So without further ado, come on out, contestant number one. Hey, y'all.

My name is Jerry, the slightly smaller giant, and that will make more sense once the larger giant is introduced. But I like short walks on the beach, twinkling in an eye, and to have rough sex. What's your occupation? Well, my occupation is a doctor lawyer man jesus chip okay um introducing contestant number two hi my name is licorice and i'm a sexy bird and she looks at chip because she didn't do the character. You didn't do the... I could have been gentle here. Now you make no sense.

Contestant one's making less sense by the second. Sexy bird, I get that. I'm a flamingo even, and I'm a doctor lawyer. Jesus, Chalice. And I love picnics. Awesome. Well, let's see if you're going to be eating on a blanket with beef but before you can get excited about that we got to introduce contestant number three

come on out hey middle fingers up middle fingers up hey it's me corn oh he didn't do the giant either darn it you look like an idiot my name's corn when i'm not on reality tv i'm a time traveler and what goes better with beef than a little corn wow awesome corn do you spell it c-o-r-N or K-O-R-N? Thank you. Okay. And last but not least, our final contestant, contestant number four. Come on out. As if I need an introduction. Hi, I'm Trixie. I like playing the talk box. I like putt-putt and I like being in positions of power. Wow. You have a powerful aura. I know. I feel smaller than usual.

What's your occupation? I actually don't need a job. That's so silly. You're right. Of course it is. Stupid Jennifer, you're an idiot. I'm punching myself in my knee. Punch harder. Oh, and I think we're ready to introduce the number one guy in the number one

world that's right you know him you love him let's bring to the stage beef and beef comes throughout the curtain and he's wearing wearing, like, you know when you're about to do a wrestling match, and you're wearing those big robes, and he has boxing gloves, and you can't see his face, and he's, like, jumping back and forth, and then he takes off his gloves, and he takes off his robe, and he jumps up and down, shaking his arms and shaking his legs like he's a swimmer about to swim in a pool. And he's wearing a full sequins blue outfit. He has a beautiful bouquet of flowers attached to his lapel. An entire bouquet?

An entire bouquet. And he took gel. He took some type of gel and he like put it through the only hair he has to gel it back and down. Gel is in quotation marks. Yeah, gel in quotation marks. It's goop he found from outside. And he's like, hoo, hoo, hoo. And he's shaking hands and fist bumping the crowd.

And then he moonwalks over to his seat. And then he pretends to sit on the seat, but he's sitting next to the seat and then he laughs. And then he sits down on that actual seat. What an entrance. And just to make, if this wasn't clear to the audience or to you beef, you're not competing.

They are competing for you. But I love where your head's at. I'm going to win! He says it like towards the crowd to get them going crazy. And they do go nuts. Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Okay, okay. So starting with contestant one, down the line,

let Beef know what your voice sounds like. Hi. Chip? Jal is just scaring a Chip. That's what she said to do. Hi, I'm Licorice. I'm a sexy bird. And with your help, I would like to become the mayor of the Soak Zone.

What? Wow. Okay, yeah. Hey, it's corn. What goes better with beef than corn? Middle fingers up. All right. Oh, this guy's fun.

Here it is, my moment. The first time Beef is ever going to hear my voice, it has to be perfect. Oh, my God. She's speaking, and I love it. Who is she? Hi, Beef. Hi.

He's obsessed. He? Hi, Beef. Hi. He's obsessed. He's addicted, obviously. Alright, so, now that you've heard from all your potential datees, why don't you start asking the QE's? And by QE's I mean questions. Take it away, Beef.

Beef, me, enjoys a good daily sandwich. If you were going to be a sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be? This one's easy. Didn't say it. Yeah, then go.

This is going to be so easy when I say it. It's going to be so simple. If I was a sandwich, I'd be a meat sandwich. So the bread would probably be salami, and then ham would be in the middle. And then kind of as a spread, I would do like a tuna tartare that's super spreadable. Wow, Zoe. Or something like that. I don't know i'm random well contestant

number two here if i were a sandwich i just know that i wouldn't be a ham sandwich because i think pigs are people too silence beef said silence that's so mean uh yeah hi i didn't introduce myself before to you beef uh i'm jerry the only giant and i would pick a roast beef because i'd like to roast your little ass all right chip thanks All right, Chip, thanks. Your wig isn't working, dude. He can't even see me. I know. Why do we wear all these disguises?

But the wig just isn't working for you, Chip. I'd really love to hear from contestant number three. Korn here. As I said before, I'm a time traveler. Did I say that before? Yeah, I think you have and did. I've gone backwards and forwards in time, preventing cataclysms. What's a future sandwich taste like?

Metal. I would make you a metal sandwich. Metal and bugs. Metal and bugs. Oh, totally groovy, man. Wow, off to a pretty great start for a lot of contestants. I think this is going to be a real nail-biter. Beef, keep it going. All right. My question is for contestant number two. If you were awake and I was asleep, how would you wake me up? Well, first I would kiss your cute little button nose

and then I'd rub your back and I'd say, hey, it's not so bad on this side, the awake side. Why don't you come and join me? And then we'd f***. Holy cow. Okay. All right. i have no idea who that is she sounds nuts i like it okay um but contestant number four uh same question how would you wake me up if you were awake and i was asleep thanks for asking and obviously like I respect everybody on this stage, but that last answer was, of course, heinous. I think if I were to wake you up, I'd use my talk box.

I mean, I know that you're huge, like you love music. And so I'd probably, you know, stick that big straw in my mouth, which is like no problem at all for me to handle and sing some morning tunes wow i am a morning tunes type of dude thank you so much uh wow contestant number one um if you were trip what would you say to me who should i pick um anyone before uh well of course i am not chip uh but assessing the the talent on the stage i mean i'll tell you what i'm big and i'm strong and i can crush a can throw it across the room like you wouldn't even dream of beef saw saw you do that earlier. You're giving it away. You're just playing into it now. That's totally crazy, man, because earlier today,

one of my closest friends did that exact same thing. Oh, you consider him one of your closest friends? Yeah, of course, buddy. Oh, my gosh. If I were Chip... This is insane. If I were Chip, I would think that was real sweet of you. This is not what this is about.

Okay, moving on. Ask Contestant 3. Okay, keeping it moving along. I love to drive. Contestant number four, where would you want to drive to on our first date? Oh my God. Somewhere far away. You know, like, you know, when you get the desire to take someone

really, really far away where no one can contact them anywhere again, you know what I mean? I think it would be somewhere close to where I live because I know the terrain really well and I've sort of like built my own oasis where it's really dark and I have a lot of keys to a lot of doors around.

Does that make sense? It would be so fun for us. All right. I'll have to keep that in mind, contestant number four. What the heck? Beef usually hates keys. What's going on here?

Contestants, if I was born a baby and you had to feed me my first food, what would it be? Just kind of like this sandwich question again. Yeah. First of all, not Chip. Second of all, I would feed you a roast beef because I'd like to roast your little ass. Thanks, Chip. Contestant number two? I'd feed you a cup of piss and that's it.

Wow, riveting number two. Gosh, who is that? I can't put my finger on it. All right. Your future wife? She sounds the same. She's no one. She really thinks

that she's going to fail. Trixie, you're squeezing my hand so hard, Trixie. Stop touching me. You're squeezing my hand. You are such a freak. Stop touching me.

I haven't heard from corn in a minute. Contestant number three um if you went to the future what would be my favorite food i was eating protein gel looks like toothpaste tastes like toothpaste it is toothpaste okay um yeah i'd like to get a little more serious now um if i uh woke up and i was a little sticky baby and I actually was a baby and I needed something to eat to cure me from my sick baby illness. What would you feed me to cure me? Contestant number four.

I'm really curious to know what your answer would be. I would probably bleed myself and feed you my own blood mixed with honey, you know, because that's antimicrobial, so. Anticrobial.

I love it. Now you're squeezing my hand. Ow, ow. Everyone's touching me. I feel insane. I feel insane. You crossed the room to do this to me. Contestant number two. As you know, I'm a sexy flamingo. And so we would feed you shrimp.

And then I would feed you my blood that I bleed. And then honey, because it's microcrobial. Copy. I get up and I slap her. Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. Beef right now is like full back in his chair, and he's running his hands through his chest hair,

and he's looking up into the air, and he's like, all right, I think I got another. Let's say contestant number four. Let's just say you and me are stargazing. And you point out one star to me. And you turn over and I'm a little baby eating something. What is that something I'm eating? I don't want to win this game.

I honestly hope Eve gets kidnapped. I think if anybody talks over me again in the next 10 seconds, I'm going to lose it. So I think we're looking up the stars. Let me really put myself there. I turn over. You're a little baby. What are you eating? I think you're probably eating like a salami sandwich with ham in the middle and like some kind of like beef tartare like spread on it does that make

sense i don't know yeah it does no no it really really does i don't know jenny i think i'm ready i'm ready for the end all right well the man says he's ready so beef what is your answer give me contestant number four oh no. Oh, no. Yes. Wow, not a real big surprise there, honestly. I'm devastated. Korn's angry. Contestant number four, Trixie, come on out. Hi, Beef.

It's me. Oh, God, she's wearing a wedding dress all of a sudden. Isn't that your old wedding dress, Chalice? Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh, Chalice, you're dressed like a priest. How did that happen? I don't know. How did you do this? Well, thank you, everyone, for being here.

Thank you, Beef. Thank you, Trixie. Thank you, other contestants. Beef, would you want to go somewhere no one can find us? What? Why phrase it like that? I love it. Let's go.

Hey, I'll drive. Beef, before you go, do you mind if we check in with you? Make sure you're wearing your light-up sneakers that you need to wear when it's nighttime. One second, Trixie. Don't be gone long. I wouldn't my sweets. I could not. Hey, guys, what's up?

I'm about to get it going. What's going on? You can't go on a date with this woman. And why can't I? Because you should have picked Jerry. Oh my God. No one's making a compelling argument right now. This is okay.

You know what I hear? You're just jelly that none of your guys' love lives are working good. And I actually have something going good for me. I knew that you guys had it out for me from the beginning. You don't want beef to have any love. I mean, look at Trixie. Get over here. Look at us.

Look at the two of us. We're the spitting, spitting image of what love really looks like. Isn't that right, darling? Yeah. Were they trying to convince you otherwise? No. No. No. No.

And you know what, Beef? I think you should go because, yeah, you're right. My love life's not going well. Oh, wait. It is. I'm engaged to Chip. I mean, Jopper. Oh, yikes.

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H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Oh, God, he's here. Oh, gosh. Where were you? Well, the line to get a drink is so long, I don't think anybody's working. That is true. Beef turns to Trix and he says, this happens all the time. Your friends are kind of bad people, don't you think?

Yeah, they kind of are. They're really mean and ugly. And they're bad, and it's almost like you don't want to see them ever again. Isn't that true? Yeah. I don't need them. Beef picks up Trixie like a person would pick up a bride.

Oh my God, so big and strong. I am big and strong, baby. Honk, honk, let's go. Snooze you lose, laters. And then he farts his way out of the tavern. Beef, your light up shoes. No. laters and then he farts his way out of the tavern beef you light up shoes no okay so trixie where are you taking beef on this first day we're driving like way far out in the

country like super crazy twists and turns back roads to get there i have a farmhouse all one level i used to live there with my parents but i i got rid of my parents and then i i built i built like a dungeon type thing in my backyard what a lovely abode yes so it's nothing sorry it's gonna take a second to unlock the doors. I have just like... Yeah, yeah. I just like have a huge thing about security and stuff, so... Giant keys, giant locks. Oh my God.

I've never looked into your eyes this long before. Beautiful fire in your eyes. Thanks, yeah. My dad had fire eyes. He's just not around anymore. What happened to your daddy? You know, like when you really want something and somebody else gets in your way? Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Like when Chip gets in my way when I'm trying to get to my sandwiches. Exactly like that. It's like that person has to go. I guess both my parents really wanted me to work on like this farm and I wanted to go into the city and like do what I need to do. And

actually the first day that I ran away, when I got out of here, I was at the grocery store and I saw the most beautiful man looking around at all of the food and just- Who is he? I'll kill him. I'll freaking kill him. No, babe, wait, babe, wait, babe, wait. What? What, babe?

What? What, babe? Babe, what? I saw the most beautiful man just looking at whatever he wanted in that store and shoving it in his mouth. And I was like, exactly, exactly. That's what passion is. Yeah, yeah, I'll kill this man.

I'll f***ing kill him. It was you. Oh. And it was that hunger. I recognize that hunger. I have it too. I actually, I have like some of those sandwiches that I was talking about.

I have them in like a super big dungeon in the backyard. Yum. Let's go check it out, don't think i guess so my my sweets yeah so just like through those huge bars like there are sandwiches on the other side i promise all right through these huge bars these guys yeah walking right on through okay it's kind of dark down here a little wet where I'm looking for these sandwiches. I slam the gate shut, locking him in. Baby, what are you doing? I'm just trying to keep you safe. Trixie, is that our daughter?

Let us out. Shut up, Dad. Shut up. Please. Uh-oh. Seriously? You guys are such crazy parents to me, and I'm, like, finally doing what I want?

Like, do not speak trixie your mother's sick she needs a doctor oh my god she's so dramatic we've been in here for years we need to get out oh my god baby i'm kind of scared baby i'm a little scared no why why are you scared who are you scared? Who are you scared of? Nobody, not you. Could ever be. But I'm just thinking that your mom is dying. She's not dying. She lies. She's always lying.

She's always lying for food or whatever it is. They lie. They lie and they trap you. You get it. I do. I do. I get you. I get you, my babes.

My beautiful babes. Why don't you let us out? We can, um... make love? And we're on Neverwinter. Oh my god, it is lovely. Wow. Oh, it's beautiful. Gorgeous. Quick, Seb, look up the real estate around here. How much do these places cost?

Hey, Google. What? What is real estate like right around here? You're so lucky I happen to be walking by. This is like crazy odds of this happening. All I know is if you have to ask, you can't afford it. Later, losers. Google's getting less useful.

For sure. Okay, we less useful. For sure. Okay, we are here. All right. So how close do you want to get? We're looking through the window, the front window. Roll for investigation. 17.

Seb, you don't see them in the space, the main space of the house, but you do see through that window that the back door is swung open. Oh, there's an open door in the back. Maybe we should go around there. We walk around the house and we approach the back door. Okay, now that you're in the back, I'm going to have everyone roll for stealth.

Four. Well, that's enough to screw the pooch. But I got a 21. I got a 16. Chalice and Chip, you guys were very quiet, like church mice. Seb, what caused you to give away your location here? I stepped in a bear trap. It clamped down on my leg.

And then I stumbled into a bunch of tin cans on a string. Okay, you did this to yourself? Take D6 of damage. What hurt him worse, the tin cans or the bear trap? The tin cans did 75% of the damage here. Oh gosh, well, it was four. Four damage. Okay, cool. We're going to cut back near the

cage that's kind of been built into the ground in the field out in the back of Trixie's farmhouse. Trixie, you hear just up the sewn steps your cans that are strategically laid by the bear trap rattle to the ground.

What the hell was that? Oh my god, are there like bears or goblins out here? I'm gonna go check. If someone can hear us, help! Shut. I take, I have like a like a taser type device and I stick it through the bars and I tase my dad.

Oh my God. Oh, I hate it when you tase me. And I hate having to do it, dad, but you make me. I have the taser still in my hand, and I run to see who has triggered my security system. I'm going to have everyone roll for initiative. Can we say that Chalice and I are still hiding? Were you near Seb?

No. I'm going to say... Great answer. Here's what I'm going to say. Realistically, you guys were all kind of sneaking in the same area. So you'd have to come up with something creative to get out of the way post Seb giving away your location. I just climbed a tree.

I'm going into the back door of the house. Now both of you roll for stealth again. This is a new sequence. Nat 20. Nat 20 also. No way! You were twins! Aw, chippy chally.

Much to Seb's chagrin, you both disappear. And somehow in that moment, I step on a rake and it hits me in the face. All right. Seb, you do this to yourself. Take a D for a damage. God damn it. Stop doing that, Seb.

It is four more damage. I'm really, this isn't good. Okay. So Trixie, you come out and you see Seb pretty badly wounded, actually, from your traps and no one else. Hey, what's happening? I can't believe they would send the dumbest. Well, at least I'll make short work of this. While this is going down, can Chip sneak to where Trixie just came from? Assuming that that's probably where Beef is.

Yes. Chip is approaching the jail cell, but it's so dark in there. But then he sees a light up red shoe. Jogging in place. Yeah, Beef immediately started working out like in a jail to like get big and strong to bust his way out. Beef's already got a bunch of jail. He's got a bunch of like tattoos that he didn't have before. He's doing that great escape like ball bounce against the wall thing for hours.

I am the ball. Is that you? Oh. Oh. Hello. Are you old now? Are you here to save us? Well, I'm here to save beef.

I guess I'll help you, too. But let me save beef first. All right. Let me do that one first. What do you mean what do you mean save what do you mean save with a question mark at the end tell me what you mean by that i mean i was just i'm getting ready to go to bed it's past my bedtime can we be honest for a second? What? You picked the wrong date. Just admit it. You're just jealous I didn't pick you. Do you want me to leave?

Did I ring for you? Did you ring for me? No. Okay. All right. I walk up. Fine. I walk over to the parents' cell, and I try and unlock it. Oh, thank you so much.

It's been awful here. And she's my own daughter. My wife, she's sick. But anytime I ask for medicine, my daughter just tricks me. She tases me. Oh, I'm sorry. We got a healer back there.

He'll figure it out. Okay, I can't do much. I'm not really a doctor lawyer. Actually, you weren't there for that. Can I unlock it? Is it easy to unlock? You don't have keys, so you can roll a strength check for the bars. The key is my muscles.

15. You do not break the bars, but you bend them pretty significantly. Is that enough for them to sneak through? The mother, she's not looking too good, and she's wasting away a little bit, and she gets through no problem. The father, he goes to try to get through and he can't he's too big you know he's got a huge ass have you been lying to get a bunch of food no i'm starving through these bars i was cursed with the most magnificent ass okay guess i gotta get. Beef, you're still good in there? And Beef's made a little bed with Hay. And he's like on all fours, like doing the dog thing where he's like going around circles trying to get it all perfect.

All you got to do is say you're wrong and you shouldn't have picked contestant number four. As simple as that. And I'll let you go. I'm not wrong. I would never be wrong. I love my beautiful wife what how long has it been i don't know old again he's old again all right uh i i take the wife and i go back to trixie because i gotta get the keys but i'm also gonna deliver the mom to Seb to heal, hopefully.

Okay, so you come out there and you see the situation that's still going down. Pretty. See, I'm very pretty. This is really hard for me. I'm technically still married, and this feels like emotional cheating, so I can't really do that for you. Can Chalice try to hit Trixie with a crossbow from the trees? Sure. 17 plus four.

That definitely hits. And how much damage does it do? Six. All of a sudden, Trixie, you get a crossbow bolt in the back. What the hell was that? Where did that come from? It's me, Licorice, the sexy flamingo. Oh, my God.

I can't believe they even let you in this town. Guess what? Now I have been to this part of town, and I think it's beautiful. Thank you. And when this house goes up for sale, when you are sent away, then I'm going to try to look into it because it's lovely. That'll never happen. And, like, the fire in my eyes gets even bigger.

So like it looks like my eyes like there are flames like coming out of my eyeballs. You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty.

It's too late for that. Oh my God. I'm going in the menagerie. Chip! And I want to run over to the tree that Aaron's in and try to claw my way up it. Oh my God. Awesome.

I want to bite her when I get up there. Amazing. Total of eight. Okay, so you're chomping away, but you're just chomping air. You're getting nowhere near Chalice. Still scary. All right, Chip's going to run up,

toss the mom to Seb, and say, heal her, and then go. And I'm going to just, since she's unsuccessfully biting at Chalice, I'm just going to try and grab the keys. Okay, roll sleight of hand. Whale. Okay, cool. You grab the keys.

You yank them. They don't come off at first. They're still stuck on the clip. You yank them. They don't come off at first. They're still stuck on the clip. You yank again. They do successfully come off. But Trixie, you are aware. You look down from the tree that you've shimmied. And you look down to see Chip staring back up at you, seeing the fire in your eyes.

What do you do, Chip? Fire eyes! And I take off. What the hell? Are all of you here? How did you all get here i don't understand it's all going wrong no no it's all going wrong you gave us your address yeah you told us your address god damn it okay i i climbed down the tree and then i chase chip to the dungeon let's let's go down there chip you've got the keys. What's going on?

Okay, I sprint in there. I look at Beef and I make eye contact with Beef and see if he wants to be let go or not. Indifferent. Indifferent. So I go to the dad first. Unlock the dad first. Thank you, my boy. Thank you. Now me and this magnificent ass can live on. Is my wife okay? Yeah, I kind of threw her at a person. Threw her? My God. And he kind of starts to go up the stairs. Okay.

And I go, damn, as he's leaving. Because I love to watch him go. Where's everybody else? I'm still in the tree. Do you want to get down there to help? No, I'm gonna wait it out up here. I'm a little frazzled from someone trying to bite me. Oh my god, okay.

Sab, you're kind of still caught in a bear trap? I'm caught in a bear trap, but I'm not getting not caught in the bear trap. So I'm doing cure wounds on the mom. So I let out a little toot, and then an egg timer goes off and then it like happens

and then it's plus seven. She looks a lot better already. She's stabilized. Let's go back down to the dungeon. I like am stumbling my way into the dungeon because I still have an arrow in my back and I like the fire in my eyes.

It's like, it's like turning blue and I'm just like i'm the craze the most crazed i've ever been oh my god baby baby you're hurt beef okay it's okay everything's gonna be fine i promise baby you look kind of out of sorts uh are you okay you don't think i still look pretty yeah but you're you're bleeding a lot, like a lot, a lot. And your eyes look like they're bleeding too. Beef, beef. If you don't think she's pretty or whether or not you think she's pretty,

I got something else that might be pretty. And I hold up. It's pretty dark in here, and I don't have a sandwich on me. So I pull up a big old cow pie since we're at a farm. You hold up a piece of shit, and you want it to look like a sandwich. Yeah, it's dark in here. I don't have a sandwich on me, but I think beef will fall for this. Yeah, it is beef and it is dark.

So why don't you roll for deception with advantage? 15. All right. It's a little Sammy. It's a salami with salami is the bread and there's meat inside. There's ham on the inside and it's got tuna tartare spread. It's very spreadable. No.

Oh, I'm kind of hungry right now. No, they're lying to you. They always lie to you. They're always lying to you. Everyone's always lying to you except me. Yeah, yeah. You know what's strange though? Yeah, yeah. You know what's strange, though? I thought we got married, but then I realized I've already been married to a sandwich and...

What? Yeah, I totally forgot. I totally forgot about this until right now. Silly me. Wow. Whoopsies. Silly, silly, silly goose. I know everything about you. I've never heard about a marriage yeah that's because uh i she's not around anymore i hate her uh but i'm technically still married oh shoot uh well to be a loyal uh guy that i am i'm gonna have to just uh i i see that beef has come around and i toss beef the keys because i don't want to get too close. I grab the keys, cool style. Damn it, that was hot. And I unlock myself out of the cage. Actually, Trixie, I wanted to show you something while you were away. I made you something.

Really? Yeah, just for you. Okay. Deep down in the cave, though. Okay, and everything's going be okay and and we'll just be together and i'm pretty yeah you're gorgeous you're more than just you're gorgeous head to toe uh thank you and uh wow and um just uh if you look here i made uh i made a picture of you yeah i drew a picture of you into the cave. That's you. And that's me holding your hand.

And I'm backing away slowly. I start to crawl. I've now like fallen to my knees because I've lost so much blood. And I'm like crawling into the cell desperately trying to find the beautiful picture. Yeah, yeah. So where did you put it? Just all the way back. All the way back.

All the way back there. Yeah. All the way to the very back? And I shut the gate and I lock it. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm really sorry, sweets. But you're really freaky.

And I don't know if I can handle that. I've been married. I am already a wedded man. You are just like the rest of them. You are just like the rest of them. You're just like the rest of them. You're a liar and you're stupid. And I should have never trusted you. I should never trust anybody except myself.

Oh, God. This is typical. This is my life, huh? And I look kind of into the middle distance like I'm on The Office. She looks like she's talking to someone. Yeah, we could probably just leave. I grab each hand and we

leave. Goodbye, my love. I'm still mumbling to the middle distance like I'm on a TV show. I assess whether or not I want to give Beef the cow pie. And then, oh yeah, also here's your sandwich. Eat it before it gets too bright out. It's kind of sloppy.

Sloppy sandwich, but it tastes delicious. Oh, God. What? Oh, dear God. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Oh, you made it out.

Oh, but I see Trixie made you eat cow pie. Made? Wanted more like it. I have no grasp of what's going on oh here are the keys to in case you want to let your daughter out in case she gets good or something uh and uh sorry chalice looks like this place isn't going up for sale it seems like these parents already own it is it safe to come down yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're good just don don't step onto the bear trap. Oh, and watch out for those cans. Chalice literally hit every trap in the entire yard.

She falls in the alligator mode, literally all of it. I know I put you guys really through the wringer today, but I thought maybe I could remedy this situation with a couple yummy shakes. Are you asking us on a date, Beef? What do you say? We could go down to that diner we love? Just as long as you don't kiss me, because your breath smells like shit.

Yeah, and Beef, before we go, I just need to know something. If I were a baby and you took me on a date, where would it be? I would never date a baby. That's illegal. We checked back in one last time to the jail cell where Trixie is doing her own talking head to the camera. That doesn't exist. This wasn't the last of me.

And I'll get them next time. And then I make Jim's face. And then her dad tases her. How do you like it? Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were, of course, joined by the wickedly talented Kennedy Baldwin. by the wickedly talented Kennedy Baldwin. For our Chicago listeners,

you can catch Kennedy doing some top-notch improv at Logan Square Improv, or LSI for short. That theater is amazing and is constantly putting on great shows. But in particular, you should check out Small Prof because Kennedy is in that one and it rocks. Consider joining our Patreon and help us as we inch closer and closer to our stretch goal of 500 patrons.

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That is how important patronage is to the show. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is the much awaited next installment of elizabeth's diary this will be the third time that elizabeth reads directly from her middle school diary and her and aaron discuss reflect and commiserate so sign up for our patreon at patreon.com sitcom dnd and get in on the fun okay i think that's it for now until next Tuesday, and

thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.