SitcomD&D - S2 E14: All Bum Release

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

Beef’s fame and resulting ego reaches a head as he prepares for his upcoming album release. Is the rest of the gang willing to put up with the crap that Beef keeps throwing their way, or will they return the crap right back? Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You guys, I have to get a procedure done tomorrow morning, and it's all I'm thinking about. What's the procedure? They're switching out his brain. With a trash can? Yeah, with a trash can. Like from before?

They're making my nose useful. I can't breathe out of my nose, Like from before? They're making my nose useful. I can't breathe out of my nose, so they're going to make it so that I can breathe out of my nose. Oh, my gosh. Are you going to have to go sleepy sleep, Sean? No, I will be awake the entire time, which also seems insane. Whoa, up the nose. Yeah, I picked up like five prescriptions from CVS yesterday,

and I'm already taking a couple of the medications. It's crazy. You're going to DM this episode high on pills? The side effects of the pills were diarrhea and dizziness. I thought you were going to say being absolutely hilarious.

That one was the third one. Let's hope that they all kick in mid-episode welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today we're gonna pick up to pick up inside Bottoms Up, where the entire bar is cheering and applauding and banging their tankards as Beef ends another incredible performance. The rest of you are anxiously awaiting

for the applause to die down and for the audience to disperse so you can finish cleaning up and call it a night. But, as has become tradition, a long line of patrons forms just off stage to get Beef's autograph. Being the generous man that he is, Beef seems more than happy to oblige his fans and really take his time with each autograph. We'll pick up there.

Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains

Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for coming out. Oh, yes, I am doing baby kisses. Oh, I didn't ask. Okay. That was really nice, though. He's giving baby kisses out.

And the whole line's like, ah! Yeah, bring your babies forward. Bring your babies forward if you want them to have a forehead kiss. Wait, did you think I was a baby? You kissed me. Oh, sorry, you're not? a baby? You kissed me. Oh, sorry. You're not? I know I look like a giant baby, but I'm an adult.

Oh, my apologies. You have beautiful glowing skin. Thank you. Man, I didn't think I was going to get this much time with you. This is really nice. Actually, yeah, this is too much time. Security. Jennifer walks over.

All right, come on. Keep it moving. Thanks, Jenny. too much time. Security. Jennifer walks over. All right, come on. Keep it moving. Thanks, Jenny. Okay, autographs. Autographs. Here you go. Here's some headshots. Get my headshot cannon.

I'm going to blast my headshot into the crowd. That's right. Everyone's having fun. Chalice and Chip and Seb are sort of leaning against the bar with their, like, chins resting on their hands, and they're sort of squinting over at what's happening. Wow, this really is a huge change, you guys. Like, I don't know.

I just sort of wish things would go back to normal. I like the days when we could just, you know, close at 2 p.m. and, like, not even worry about that. Like, someone would just break in and just still be in here just drinking at the bar, and it would be fine because it would be some regular, and we'd go, sorry that we locked the door on you. Did someone say some regular?

Regular Joe here. Oh, your voice sounds so different. It's supposed to sound like this. I was playing a prank on you. Good prank, Joe. Don't really have much to do with this episode. At least it's not planned that way. Joe, are you in line to get Beef's autograph?

Yeah, I'm a huge fan. I mean, who's not, right? Well, I wouldn't call us fans. We're more like friends. I don't know. Speaking of stuff I haven't done in a while, I don't remember the last time Beef and I ever hung out. What the heck? Yeah, and do you guys smell that? It smells like there's like

three or four sandwiches that I've hidden for him that have just gone rancid. Do you think he's not looking for the sandwiches anymore? I gotta be honest, I started looking for some of the sandwiches a couple weeks ago. Still haven't found them?

No, I found a couple of them, but then they're just too hard to find. You actually do a good job. I'm actually impressed that Beef can find any of them. I found three just right now. I found like three right now. They're just so hard to find. Do you know what I mean? You're holding one.

They're like impossible. You hit one in your hand. And you can't even see them. Beef walks up to them wearing shades. Yeah, yeah, snapping his fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my usual. Please, acting like he doesn't even know them. My usual. Your what?

My usual. My drink of usual. My usual drink of piss. Half piss, half milk. All right, pint of half milk, half piss coming right up. Thanks, doll. Also, Beef, while I have you here, the toilet is still mega clogged back there.

I don't know if, I think it's like one of those situations where hair has evolved inside of the, I don't know. It just needs your little hands to get in there. Right, as Sav brings that up, a man walks forward, says, Beef doesn't do that anymore. Who the heck are you? I'm Dick Wolf. I'm Beef's man. Yeah, this is Dick Wolf, everybody.

He puts an arm around Dick Wolf. This is Dick Wolf, everybody. He's going to be around. What big teeth you have, Dick Wolf. For context, Dick Wolf looks exactly how Tom Hanks looks in Baz Luhrmann's film Elvis. He's a human, he's not a wolf? He's not a wolf. He's a human.

He does have really big teeth for a human. And he's sweating what looks to be pure grease. Beef takes a chip from someone's table and wipes it on his body and then eats it. Beef, how did you meet this character? This guy? He's been around, Chip.

Don't be rude. No, I'm going to double down. I haven't seen this guy. You don't be rude. Whether or not he's been around for a while, at some point you had to have met him. He's been with me this whole time. I don't know what... What do you mean this whole time?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. If you're going to act like that, if you want an autograph from my client, you can get an autograph. I'll make sure that it freaking happens, okay? I don't need a misspelled beef autograph. No, thank you. I'll pass.

Oh, yeah, Dick. These were the people I was telling you about. People? The hanger-on-ers. Hanger-on-ers? Hey, Chip. It's okay, Chip. It's okay. No, I'm mad. I'm angry. And nobody asked me to shoot off my headshot cannon.

We look over and his headshot cannon is covered in cobwebs. I'm afraid to pick that thing up if I'm you. It's riddled with spiders, okay? Well, sir, Mr. Dick Wolf, sir, you're probably only here for a couple more hours, but we're thinking about closing up early

and going fishing with our friend Beef, so you should probably head out. Oh, actually, Chalice, oof, boy, this is embarrassing. My schedule is booked. I won't be closing or doing any of my duties. Me and Dick are actually going off to a field to run around. It's for ideas.

It's an idea generator. Well, Beef, we're going to do that in a second. We are busy, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. gonna do that in a second okay we are busy though oh yeah oh okay i don't know if y'all heard but thanks to beef's immense talent and a few of my freaking connections beef has been named drum roll somebody no nobody somebody somebody do it jennifer please jennifer come on uh chalice grabs jennifer jennifer's little uh rat hands don't, Jennifer, don't. Chalice grabs Jennifer's little rat hand.

Don't. Jennifer, don't. Yeah, you're holding my hands. Oh. Oh. Beef has been named King of the Frasier Crane Parade. As I'm pretty frigging sure you know, that means that Beef here is the undisputed

most prolific performer of the year. Ha ha. Hold for applause. Oh, my God. Beef, congratulations. I mean, guys, that's a really big deal. Yeah, it is. Congratulations, Beef.

Hey, congratulations. Can I borrow your little hands for a minute to get that clog out of the gosh darn toilet, please? This is what I'm talking about. None of them are actually happy for me. Chip could not be happy for me. Beef, you're talking about us behind our back? No, Beef, yeah, I see exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, thank you.

Okay, this isn't even behind our back. This is literally right in front of us. I wasn't going to say this, but I mean, now that I'm standing here, look how weird looking they all are. I know, I know. It's a freaking disaster over here. You're touching my body while you say that. Alright, now

as I'm pretty freaking sure you know, the parade stops at the end of the route in the heart of town, culminating with the performance by our sweet beef here. Once the performance ends, they open the cages and release the cranes into the sky. And the cranes into the sky and the cranes fly out

all over frasia repeating your beautiful performance note by note with their magical aptitude for mimicry it's an album release party yeah now that's the frasia crane parade and i don't think i need to tell y'all how big of a freaking deal it is this is huge this is huge beef kind of like is doing the moonwalk but in a circle this is huge beef correct me if i'm wrong here but you don't have an album written am i crazy i feel like you've just been playing your old hits i don't even know if you've written anything new lately right this is what i've been telling you dick they're just trying to take me. We're right in front of your faces right now, Beef! You're my best friend! What are you doing?

It's absolutely ridiculous. But I will say that when I did sign the contract, and oh boy, oh boy, oh girl, oh boy, that I signed that contract. Pow! Signed. That's what I do. I'm Dick Wolf. When I signed that contract, I committed Beef to playing an entire new album for the Crane release. Yes, that's right. He signed it for me. He'm Dick Wolf. When I signed that contract, I committed Beef to playing an entire new album for

the Crane release. Yes, that's right. He signed it for me. He signed the contract for me. Yeah. Well, yeah, that needs to happen because you can't read or write. Yeah, so Beef, as I'm sure you're, you know, well aware, this can't just be any old album that you write. This series of songs

will have to be your magnum opus, your Sistine Chapel, your life's friggin' masterpiece. Capiche? Capuche. All right. Well, get some rest and tomorrow morning

you let us know what you need to write your crowning achievement. Wow. Okay, Dick. You got it, my boy. My bad, bad, big bad boy. Oh, my little squish round the bug.

Dingle happen. Poof. Okay, quit touching my body when you say those words. I'm subconscious. I apologize. Didn't even realize I was doing it. All right, you heard the man. Time to make an album.

You're looking at us like you want us to help you with that? Is that the case after you just roasted us for 10 straight minutes? Yeah, I'm going to need heavy stuff on the stage, and I'm going to need soundproof walls. I'm going to need a couple of bowls of snack. You better be writing this down. I do not like to repeat myself. Beef, you just signed my face.

You think I'm a fan? Beef, it's Chalice. It's me, Chalice. Yeah, no, Lice, if you could be in charge of the soundproofing, big ol' Crack. Your name's Crack, right? Are you talking to me? Okay,

yeah, yeah, yeah. I might be getting a little ahead of myself. Let me go into my meditation slumber where I generate most of my ideas. Oh, my God. It's called sleep. Everyone does that. And I'll be hitting you with the news in the morning. Bright and early, 6 a.m. for everyone else, 7 a.m. for me.

What? What? Beef's already doing the moonwalk out, and he's doing finger guns at everybody. Good to see everybody. I love everybody. Happy holidays and New Year. The next morning, the cock crows.

You rise from your beds. You head downstairs to the bar. Beef hasn't quite woken up yet, but Dick Wolf is there waiting. Here you are, my faithful servants, ready to execute what needs to be done

to create masterpieces. Hey, Seb, if this guy calls us a servant again, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to end his life, just so you know. And I'm not going to stop you. I'm not stopping anyone today, all right? I love this attitude. I'm not stopping anyone today either from doing some amazing work. You know, let's get out of each other's way.

Now, I. Put a lot of thought into this. Here are the things that we're going to need. To do. In order to allow. Beef. To make. His master work. Number one.

We need to find. Beef. A place. Where the acoustics. Are great. A studio. If you will. A place.

Where music. Can come. To life. That's number one. Number two. We need some freaking instruments, baby. Some heavy-hitting, weird sound makers. Some shit that people have never heard before.

Some real Dr. Seuss weird-ass crap that makes music. That's the stuff that we need. Sir, are you trying to smoke, Jennifer? That's not a cigar. That is our friend. That's the stuff that we need. Sir, are you trying to smoke Jennifer? That's not a cigar. That is our friend. It's okay. I'm happy to be included. Jennifer.

Oh, God, Jennifer. Your butt's on fire. Thank you, Chip. No. And thirdly, and not leastly, find Beef a muse. Something to inspire Beef. Something to get his blood flowing. Something to get his soul lit on fire. Just like the rump of this little rat.

All right? So, repeat them back to me. What were they? Sorry, I was distracted because you were smoking, Jennifer. Let's see. Acoustics. A place with good acoustics. Instruments that sound funny.

Yeah, and then finally there's find a moose. Find a moose. Find a moose. A muse. An inspiring moose. Which is a plural for multiple moose find a moose a muse an inspiring moose which is a plural for multiple moose okay talus uh leans in and goes i wonder where i'll find beef's muse wink yeah we all wonder that i think no i'm pointing to myself me oh oh okay okay uh dick dick uh i got a me to pick with you.

Yeah, a beef. I'm pissed. I'm freaking pissed. What's going on? Beef has a towel tied up over his head. He's wearing a white robe. He's got acrylics on his fingers and one of those face masks on. He's accrued all the kitchen rats all the extra kitchen rats to be like his

style team and his makeup team and they're all around him um i i'm pissed i'm really pissed uh you told me that uh that my hair team would have an updo ready for me. And what do I have? Nothing. Oh, a down do. Well, yeah, because you don't have hair. I didn't want to make excuses on behalf of this team that we put together, but you don't have much hair on the top of your head. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Absolutely. My brain's going to explode. I'm going to blow my brains out right in front of all of you. Is that what we want? No, not at all. In fact, I just put your A Crack Squad team together to get everything ready for the perfect album creation. Great. Who is it?

Well, it's Chavis. Lice? Lice. Surfer. Surfer Dude. And Crack. And Crack. Yes.

Oh, I'm Surfer Dude. I thought I was Surfer Dude. I thought I was Surfer? Surfer dude. And crack. And crack. Yes. Oh, I'm surfer dude. I thought I was surfer dude. Damn. I thought I was surfer dude. That one was the coolest one. Shit. And Jennifer. Yeah, and this rat cigar or whatever.

Now, Beef, I was thinking maybe you could go with him. Obviously, you wouldn't be doing any of the work. But you go with him and get into the experience. And I've got this nice palanquin for you. And a palanquin, I Googled this. That's the term for one of those covered little curtained room for one passenger consisting of a large box carried on two horizontal poles by four bears. Hell no. Absolutely not.

Hell yes, my brother. Absolutely not. No. I need an incentive. I'm sorry. I can't just be doing this stuff out of the goodness of my heart. Chip, Chip, Chip. What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? No, the whole crack squad.

Why don't you come over here for a second? Wait, is the squad named after me? Because if so, I might be on board. No, you're Surfer Dude. I'm Crack. No, I'm Crack. I'm Surfer Dude. Did someone say Crack?

Kyle here. Who needs it? It's so early, Kyle. It is so early. Kyle, do you do updos? Kyle, don't answer that. I've been known to dabble. Run.

Kyle starts doing Beef's hair in the corner while Dick Wolf takes the crack squad aside. Listen. Now, you don't have to carry Beef around in this thing. You don't have to have Beef, the biggest star in Frasier, continue to perform at bottoms up. You don't have to have beef. The biggest star in Frazier continued to perform at bottoms up.

You don't have to do these things. Okay. In fact, beef could take his talents to another bar and wow. And the drop of a hat, snap of a finger, you got nobody coming through the door anymore. I don't know.

It kind of sounded like that's what you wanted or something. Yeah. We were kind of nostalgic. That's fine. Yeah. Try another Yeah, we were kind of nostalgic for that time. Yeah. Try another angle, man. Pick a different one. He's your friend.

All right. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened to him. It's the biggest moment in his life. He needs you. Yeah. Hook, line, and sunk. I'm not going fishing today because I agree. Yeah.

And since this squad is named after me, Crack, I mean, it'd be so, I just would be leaving you all in the dust, you know, and I feel bad about that, so. I'm starting to think that I'm Crack. In the pit of my stomach, I think I'm Lice, and I feel itchy everywhere. Oh my God, you're right. You're Lice, Chalice's surfer guy, and I'm Crack. As you're discussing this, someone falls into Bottoms Up, kind of tripping over themselves. Oh, I'm so sorry. Is

Beef here, the famous performer and musician? Is this the right place? Why did he want his autograph? I'm with the Spinning Rock pamphlet, and we're actually doing an expose on Beef. We just heard that he was named the king of the Frasier Crane Parade.

So, oh my God, that's Beef! Oh my God! Hey! Hi! Hey, toodaloo! I've been assigned to do a story on you for the Spinning Rock. Would you mind answering a few questions maybe throughout the day for me? Oh my God.

Me? Sure. Little old me. Yeah. Yes, I could. What's your name? My name is Den. Den.

Den. Den. Den. Den. Well, we don't need to get too hung up on that. I do have a ton of questions for you. So, oh, it looks like everyone's getting ready to leave. Are you off?

Yeah, we got to go find a moose. It's technically a muse. So it's like three or four moose. So, yeah. Well, I won't be a bother. I'll just, oh, Beef, it looks like you're getting into this parent key. Yeah, Crack, toss me in. I look for confirmation that I am, in fact, Crack.

And Dick just nods at you. Great. And I throw Beef 40 feet up in the air into the thing. Roll a 13. Beef gets tossed into the air pretty far, bounces on the ground, and bounces into the parakeet and then out of it onto the ground,

kind of sprawling on the floor. Ah, my crack crack. What was up with that? Oh, you said throw you in there. So I was just doing as requested. Oh,

my limbs, my bones, my beautiful skin. Don't worry. I'll help you up. Den here. And, uh,

we'll get into the parakeet and, um, I'll start getting my interview. Thanks for carrying me everybody. All three of us walk past the parakeet and leave. I think the bears carry it. There are bears?

The bearers. I thought they were bears. There are bears here? Sorry guys. We roll for strength for how high up we're able to hold it. Yes. Because I feel like if it's four people, it's us and Jennifer, I assume. Correct.

So I feel like it's going to be pretty lopsided. Yes. I rolled a one. Whoa. I got a nine. I rolled a seven, probably because I'm not interested in doing this. Yeah. So with that amount of effort and strength, the palanquin is just sitting on the floor

and you guys are kind of like pushing it out the door, like begrudgingly. It's not even lifted off the ground. And Jennifer's pushing with all her might. We got this, you guys. Everything you got. Can we just get the rats to carry this thing or something? Yeah. Jennifer's like, actually, can everybody just help?

And then 800 rats swarm and create rat humanoid shapes. And then lift up the palanquin. Bear shapes. Yes. That's so funny. Bear shapes. And then start locking out the palanquin out the front door of Bottoms Up. All right, guys.

Let's think. What in this town has good acoustics? Brad's Pit, but we've been there a lot this season. Where else? Cave of Mysteries, Cave of Wonders. Cave of Check, Check, One, Two, One, Two. Cave of check, check, one, two, one, two. Oh, yeah, Cave of check, check, one, two, one, two. Yeah, that's on Abbey Road.

You want to check that out? I mean, it's been haunted and abandoned for years, but it's worth checking out. And I'm not scared. Are you scared? No, of course I'm not scared. I think there's also a dragon guarding its treasure there but you know what let's just go find out well if you go deep into it we could just be at the entrance or

something we cut to the opening of the cave of check check one two check hello hello hello hello i don't know that's kind of a lot of reverb. Mr. Beefzer, what do you think of this cave? Beef's hands are crisscrossed and Sora's legs. He's sitting down. I don't know. Is this really where I could make my album? Beef's really putting on a show for this reporter, you guys. I guess this could do. i guess this could do i guess this could do if you can't find me anything else you're not pleased if you're not

pleased we can look elsewhere uh beef how about you record up my butt that's not very catchy now I'm Lysa. I really thought you were a surfer guy, Chalice. I'm sorry. Oh, man. Well, Sebelius, you're a surfer dude. I'm not ready to be a surfer dude. I'm the main talent here. And B's pointing right at himself. And I don't feel safe.

I don't feel safe. Here or near you guys. Is it the big dragon that's rushing towards us right now because we're at the entrance of their cave? I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. Here or near you guys. What? Is it the big dragon that's rushing towards us right now because we're at the entrance of their cave? There's like a glow of orange. We gotta get out of here! And then they walk across the street

and it's the perfect Abbey Road screenshot of them. We're not running. Except we're sprinting from a dragon. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. So after you guys are running for your lives wildly, you end up in the deep woods in an area that may actually just be where Beef and his pig family originated.

Those deep wood wallows. So basically your childhood home, Beef. Yeah. And the acoustics there sound very good, actually. And if anything, it's also very nostalgic. Yuck. What is this, a freaking pig's house? Yeah, I hate it here.

I hate it here. Next, next, next. Next. Disgusting. Oh, look, a hollow tree. So you guys walk in. That's hilarious, first, next. Next. Disgusting. Oh, look, a hollow tree. So you guys walk in. That's hilarious, first of all. Yeah, Sean, f*** you.

F*** you, Sean. So you walk into this hollow tree. And, Beef, I want to hear what your experience is in here. Why don't you roll for perception? Yeah. A two. A two? It's way what your experience is in here. Why don't you roll for perception? Yeah. A two. A two? It's way too dark to see in there.

Yeah. You can't really see a thing, but you feel the side of the wood, and it just feels like inside of the tree is like polished oak. It feels very refined. Oh, my God. I grab a torch, and I light it. Immediately, a raccoon just jumps onto something. Oh, God. it's so scary.

That's really embarrassing for you, Seb. Could you take that outside? Sure. What I love about this show- Yeah, quiet, quiet, DM. Beef has something to say. Oh my God, Beef just broke

the fourth wall. It's getting, Beef has changed so much that he's meta yelling at the DM. Everyone shut up. I have something to say. And then the beautiful kookticks of the tree. And he says, I love it here. Great.

Beef, that's so awesome. I love you. Beef, that's so awesome. I love you. Sure, doll. Oh, my God. He didn't even remember my cruel nickname. All right. Well, I'm going to go find you some funny instruments, Beef. Scribbling over in the corner, you can hear just like,

seemingly, Beef has started to forget even his closest friends, referring to them as doll things have changed for beef in a very short amount of time in a very big way heavy lies the crown on the king of the parade oh my gosh that was just the mom there's six babies they're all on me listen up team i know what the album is and i know what i want i want flutes from the gods And grass. Grassroots. I want grassroots. And I want Pringle cans. As many as we can get. And a big old harp. One big honky harp.

What about these rocks from the ground? Beef goes over and he kicks them a little bit. Scratch everything I said. I want rocks. Different types. Big, round, crack. Get on it. You seem like a guy that could handle that.

I guess it's easier than the flutes of the gods. I was wondering where you were going to find those. So it sounds like we got instruments covered, Beef. Should we find you a muse? That was the third thing. Well, actually, I already figured it out. What? Yeah.

You have a muse? Yeah. They're standing right in front of you. Is it me? Seb's back and he is covered in bandages and looks like a mummy. God, you're really hard to look at right now, surfer man. It's me. Oh, God.

Are you sure you're not inspired by any of your friends, Beef? I don't know. Who? Oh, never mind. Beef doesn't understand the word friends anymore. That is bleak. And you hear Den ready in the corner and that's when beef forgot what the words friends meant do you want to take that again me yeah sorry it just feels like it doesn't matter well if you've got a punch up i'm open to it

well you just kind of wrote down exactly what i said as if you had come up with it yourself and i don't know if that's there's a lot of journalistic integrity in that then he said you just wrote down what i said and then tried to pass it off as your own which is an idea that i just came up with goodness i throw a couple of the rocks that i found at den listen up crew we don't have much time parades in how many hours dm how many hours 24 hours 24 hours you heard uh so we got we got stuff to do and beef puts his shades back on and now he's wearing a leather jacket that says Beef in diamonds in the back. Whoa. I'm ready to rock. Now we can start a little montage

of what Beef is doing in the studio. What are y'all doing to either help, begrudgingly or passionately, help Beef create the album of a generation? Chalice is Beef's chair whenever he gets tired, so she's sort of just doing a tabletop on the ground. And he just really,

he does sit heavy on her. Like every time he goes to sit down, he really just jumps. He's not holding his weight back. He's getting it all. Yeah. And it's like, just like jumps up

and then lands on her back every time. Seb is just, I'm like the little roadie. So like I have a bunch of cords for the cans and I'm just like constantly like wrangling them and stuff and like running and like tapping on top of them and stuff like that.

And Chip is fending off the raccoons from Seb who's trying to finish his job. They want to finish the job! Jennifer is putting her butt in a torch and then diving into trying to dive into beef's mouth to be a cigar. Beef is smoking Jennifer like a pack of cigarettes just going right through her.

And he's sweating and he calls for lice to clean up his brow and he's writing fervishly on pieces of parchment and he's singing hard into his can and crying and screaming at the wall and throwing the can really hard, so hard on the ground it bounces up and hits him in the face and then he screamed for makeup can we review what you've been writing on the parchment yeah uh what's on the parchment it says um is this enough but it's all spelled wrong is that a lyric or just something you needed to get off your chest a diary entry yeah a. This is gonna be really weird,

this album. As the montage fades out, Dick Wolf, your manager, knocks on the outside of the tree, goes, The dick is in! Oh, God. Oh, Dick Boy! Dick Boy's here, my Dicky Boy!

Can we try that one again? Can we try that one again? You wanna take that one again? Thank God you're here, my Dickie boy. I was trying to. Can we try that one again? Can we try that one again? You want to take that one again? Thank God you're here, Dickie boy. I've been working with pennies. Talk to me, me man. What's going on? What's going on?

We just finished the album. Oh, he grabs the sheet music that you've created, and he looks at it, and he's just like shuffling through the papers. And each time that he looks at one, he shuffles the next one even faster and goes, My God, I can't comprehend any of this. Yeah, yeah. Which means it must be good, baby. It must be out of this world. My feeble brain, I'm a finance guy, you know?

I'm a money guy. I don't get the music. But this looks like it's going to be the album of the next generation. So good, right? I know. And I heard some screaming and some what I thought was crying, but it must have been some sort of cool singing. Yeah, yeah.

That was lice. That was lice. Not me. I think you're ready. I think the show's great. The rest of you stay up all night and build and decorate the float how Beef wants. How do you want the float, Beef, for the parade? One big bowl.

You heard the man. One big bowl. Beef, we haven't really slept. We're exhausted from today. We've been running around doing everything you want. Yeah, well, this is really kind of my thing, everything you want. Yeah, well,

this is really kind of my thing and I need everyone to just kind of not put their needs in front of mine. My needs are heavy and big.

I look like the invisible man and I feel like the invisible man and these raccoons, they keep on trying to steal my bandages and my scabs.

Yeah, Chip is just covered in raccoon blood and wearing like a Davy Crockett style hat. And outfit at this point. Unrelated. It's not. It's not from a raccoon. It's unrelated. He just had that lying around. All right. Well, I'll leave you all to it.

Yeah, we'll see you bright and early tomorrow for the parade, y'all. Best of luck making that big bowl or whatever. And they all head out. Oh, I'm so sleepy. Oh, I can't wait to sleep. Oh, my God, you did not have to say that. You guys, you guys, you guys, you guys. Sorry, I'm just so sleepy.

I got to get to bed as soon as possible. But I just got to say, all of your efforts are going to come to fruition when I'm in that big bowl and I'm going down Abbey Road. And I'll look at you and I'll wave. I'll give you guys a little wave. So everyone will know that I kind of know you guys. Are you going to wave to everybody, though? Yeah, but to you guys, I'll wave even harder. Thanks.

Yeah, thank you, Beef. Yeah, thanks, dickhead. Yeah, wow, thank you. And you guys are already out of earshot as the parakeet starts going down towards bottoms up. I think we got three choices. One, we build this thing. Two, we don't build this thing.

Or three, we build this thing, and it's a prank that we're pulling on Beef. Here's my thought about it. I don't want to beef the satisfaction of sinking to his level by making a shitty bowl for him to be in the parade. And I say, we do it right. And we give him the best parade float.

And then when he realizes one day that we were good friends, then he'll be sorry. And then we'll have our best friend back. What if he doesn't realize it, though? Okay, prank. I'm prank, prank, prank. Yeah, I was thinking

prank. Okay, good, good. There's a little montage of us snickering as we're building something in the darkness of night. So there's hammers, like wooden hammers, like the shadow of Chip against the oak wall, banging away. And then Seb, like, doing really precise measurements.

His shadow's doing that. And then Chalice's shadow is, like, delicately placing the workings of the other two and it's making some sort of shape that might be a big bull with something else going on inside of it as it gets sutured together now we're going to pick up in the morning of the parade beef today's the day you're gonna be in a big bull it is the fraser crane parade and you are the king. You know, it's crazy to just know that I worked so hard to get here

for so long. It's been so, so long, and I've worked so, so hard. You earn this, you deserve this, and you are just overall, generally better than other people. Thanks, Dick Wolf.

Oh, Dick Alert. Yeah, baby. All right. Dick Alert. Let's get you up on that float and give the gift of your new album to the people of Frasier. Perfect.

So you're at the kickoff of the parade. Beef, you get walked up to the float and the crack squad is there, Chalice, Seb, Chip, and Jennifer. And they're waiting for you up to the float, and the crack squad is there, Chalice, Seb, Chip, and Jennifer. And they're waiting for you next to the float, which looks like, to your specifications, a beautiful giant bowl. Wow. He knocks on it. Wow.

It's somehow made of that, like, perfect confetti material that most floats look like they're made out of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys kind of look like shit. You might need to put some makeup on or dress up at least. This is kind of a big day. Okay, Beef, whatever. We'll see you when you pass bottoms up.

Hey, and don't forget to break a leg out there. Yeah, don't worry. I'll break both. Don't forget to break a leg out there yeah don't worry i'll break both don't forget to break a leg out there wow thank you guys break a leg out there thank you guys you guys are being don't forget we're gonna break your leg wow you guys are being so nice right now thank Thank you so much. Yeah, don't worry. Maybe, actually, I think I might throw a little wink and a kiss your guys' way when I come by. Oh, you're going to wink at us?

Yes! Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Oh, you're welcome so much. And Den here, I would just love one last quote before the parade takes off and this enormous event takes place. Sure, Den.

Go ahead. Den. Not my quote. I didn't want to give a quote for this. I was asking you for one. Oh, okay, Den. How about I say this? Sometimes you don't need friends to get to the top

because they're just trying to hang on and drag you down. Well, okay, Dan. I'm so glad we did prank. Someone raise me into my bowl, please. I'm ready to sing. I throw beef 40 feet up into the air. Into the bowl. Roll for athletics.

A 23. Wow. So you rocket beef in the air. Beef, just like when you come out of a water slide in one of those tubes that go into a toilet bowl, he catches at the right angle at the right speed and just kind of toilet bowls around the bowl safely to the bottom.

Whee! Have a fantastic show! You are the meat man! Don't let anyone tell you different! And the Frasier Crane parade starts. And there's thousands of people out waving streamers and flags. There's different floats ahead of them tossing some sweets and goodies and baked goods. Children are on parents' shoulders, and everyone seems to be having a fantastic time.

Beef, what are you doing as the parade is making its way through Frasier? I'm so glad you asked, because Beef didn't realize a bull would actually submerse him, so nobody can see him inside of the bowl. And so he is waving and screaming, I'm in the bowl! Beef is in the bowl! Beef realizes he done messed up

with the bowl situation. So he's like trying to slide his whole body shimmy himself up the side of the bowl so he can sit on the lip of it roll for acrobatics okay that's 17 plus four yeah you shimmy and roll and shake your way up onto the lip of the bowl so it's kind of like you're almost sitting at the edge of a pool um facing out to the crowd gathered to watch the parade. Now you're able to see them and do whatever you want. Oh, that's much better.

Hello, everybody. Frasier, Frasier, Frasier. Oh, it's me. Hello. Hello. And he's kissing his hand and blowing kisses and batting his eyelashes and giggling. And his cheeks are getting rosy and he's having a blast of ball and you take a turn onto the street that bottoms up is on and you get closer and

closer to bottoms up and you see on the roof that your friends aren't there. Oh, I thought they... I mean, it's a big day. They know it's a big day, so they should be up there. Maybe give it one more second. One more second. And this hits extra hard because this is kind of like your guy's place. It was the place that Chalice first saw you

when she was going through a parade as a princess and thought, man, that looks like fun. That's a cool vibe. That's a cool thing that looks like a cool group of friends. And it has been. It's been kind of your place, and you just see that they're not even there in your big moment. Probably because of some of the things you've been doing.

Beef's heart cracks just a little. Sounds super serious that checked out and he kind of panics a little and then he just starts kind of like manically waving at people and his eyes get bigger it's so good to see everybody. So good to see everybody. Your babies look nice. We don't realize that Beef's heart has cracked at all. So we move forward with our prank.

And from the crowd, all three of us are holding buckets of mud. And we throw the mud onto Beef. So he now looks like a big big he looks like a big turd is what i'm saying a big turd bowl making the bowl seem like a toilet bowl yes that is correct and then all of a sudden water starts flooding the bowl from a secret compartment that we built break a leg out there you baby ruth turd yes and then as as seb says that he throws a plunger at beef pushing him back into the bowl to then get flushed down no no should i do any athletics yes yes so sab roll uh athletics to see if this plunger makes a direct

connection with the top of beef's head i think is what you'd be aiming for, to knock him back into the toilet bowl. It's an 18, so it hits Beef straight in the throat. My singing box! Beef tumbles over in a turd-like fashion right into the toilet bowl. And the crowd actually kind of loves it. This seems pretty on-brand and seems intentional on Beef's part. They're like, yeah! They're going nuts, they're going nuts.

But Beef knows that this wasn't planned and that his friends are really upset. And as he's floating in the big toilet bowl... He's a floater. He's staring up into the sky. And he thinks, I deserve this. This makes sense. Oh, babe.

And then all of a sudden you feel the parade float kind of come to a little jolt of a stop. You are at the end. It's time for your performance to be recorded by the cranes to be sent out all over Frasier. Okay. I get flushed out. And you come out a tube on the side, like a sewer pipe, that comes

out of the side of the float, and you fall right into the street of Frasier. Well, the three of us are standing there, prepared, and we throw toilet paper on him. Dry yourself off. Dry yourself off? You guys got me wet, didn't you?

This was you. And he's still, but he's getting pushed like by people to the front of the stage. Yeah, Dick Wolf's kind of carrying, he's like, it's time for the performance. Come on. Yeah. Chip, Chalice and Seb all like turn to leave. They like just sort of throw their hands around together, look back at Beef one more time,

but they're about to head out. And Beef gets to the giant can that is serving as the microphone. Hi, everybody. They're all screaming and cheering. You know, I was planning on debuting my album today, my big song. But now I'm dressed like a turd, standing in front of everybody.

I wasn't planning on that either. But here's something I didn't know that I needed. I need my friends. Okay, that's great. We're going to start recording now. I need my friends. What? I've been acting like a real jack-off the last couple of days.

Maybe a couple of weeks. I don't even know. Months? I've blacked out. I don't even know months I've blacked out. I don't know but when I was getting spun around like a big old Dookie and that big old bowl I asked for them to make and this I realization that honestly none of this matters without

Friends cheering you on on the sidelines and I don't want to be successful without my family and my friends by my side So dick yeah, you're fired And I don't want to be successful without my family and my friends by my side. So, Dick? Yeah? You're fired. What? Nobody fires Dick Wolf. I make and break people in this town.

Well, you've never been beefed. You're going to rue the day, little man. I'm not calling you the Meat Man anymore. That was a cool, fun nickname, and you don't deserve it anymore. That's fine. I don't even know what your last name is. You go by your first and middle name. Dick Wolf?

I was this close to telling you my last name. Now I'll never tell you. I don't, and guess what? I'm this close to not caring at all. And I don't care about any of this. Release the cranes. It doesn't matter if the album does well or not i want to be with my friends you want this to be a magnum opus this this wasn't even a

song you just want this to go out this is your one shot what is a magnus opus yeah i don't know why i bothered working with you in the first place good luck pal Chip, Chalice, and Seb are no longer in the crowd Beef squeaks off stage with his squeaky shoes and his turd body and he makes his way to Bottoms Up while Beef is walking towards Bottoms Up

all the cages for the cranes get released and as Beef's walking in slow motion looking really forlorn all these beautiful cranes go into the sky of Frasier at sunset. And that song that's like, Oh, so little, he's a little, oh. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah.

That was beautiful. I put my sunglasses on like I'm walking away from a burning building, but it's actually just cranes singing that. Bottoms up looks like it's like closed for the night, like it's super dark on the outside. It looks like everyone's gone home. He opens the door. Surprise! They've gathered all the people who actually care about beef and have been regulars for a while in the bar and made a makeshift sign that's above the stage that says album release party. And there's a little runway for him to walk on the stage and sing his new album.

There's like a little band that's just the family of raccoons that caught my scent and followed us back home. One of the cranes is sitting drinking at the bar and it looks over at Beef and gives a nod like, your message got to the right people. I got your song. He nods to the crane and there's tears in his eyes. You guys did this for me after how I treated you guys? I treated you guys like big old poopy poop. But speaking of big old poopy poop, we got you back. And we got you good.

All right? And honestly, with our friendship, that's kind of all you need. One prank and everything is perfectly reset. You know how it goes around here. You sick son of a bitches. I knew it was you. I knew it was you. Oh, God. That was you. I knew it was you. This whole, oh God.

That was funny. That was actually hilarious. Did you actually know it was us? No, not at all. Hey Beef, and Chalice puts her

arm around Beef. You deserve your success and we don't want you to think that we weren't happy for you. We are, but your friendship means the world to us

and we just didn't want you to push us away we just got scared that's all we love you you guys are my best friends and i'm sorry i let fame get to my head and i realize now what's important is is the the company you keep yeah yeah, yeah, we heard the crane. Oh, oh, oh, gosh. Yeah, yeah. That was a whole. Apology accepted. Now, from regular Joe to my best pal, Beef,

get up on that stage and show us your magnum opus. Oh, yay! Chalice just sort of jumps up on the bar to sit on it, and she grabs Jennifer, and she lights Jennifer's butt. And they sort of are passing around like Jennifer's a joint. And Jennifer takes a little smoke out of her own butt when it's her turn. Best night of my life. And a bunch of rocks are rolled up on stage and beef.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. A one, a two go A one A two A one Two Three Oh my god They immediately jumped onto my face and mouth Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews

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