SitcomD&D - S2 E15: A Fun Sucker (w/ Rashawn Scott)

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Mama said there'd be days like this. The gang is visited by an old coworker Countess Von (Rashawn Scott) a couture dressed turtle person. And she desperately needs their help before it's too late.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest Star: Rashawn Scott Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I don't know if people know this, but Elizabeth and Rashaun went to college together. Kind of cool. A fun fact. Squawk. Elizabeth is my improv granddaughter in a way. I am. Now, you guys just said squawk, squawk.

Is that a mascot thing or is that just totally unrelated? We're in the Dead Parrot Society, the greatest improv team name ever. Every other one sucks ass. Yeah, dude. And it's real cool because the palest member of our team got a very brightly colored tattoo of a parrot all up and down his arm. He looks like a ghost with a live parrot on his arm. And we had all said, yeah, we're all going to get parrot tattoos for sure, yeah. So where's yours?

It's, huh? Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up inside Bottoms Up around lunchtime during the midday rush. But service is a little slow because you guys have noticed that Chalice is kind of just off to the side, kind of pacing. Maybe it almost looks like she's rehearsing a speech. She's kind of talking to herself. And she's got little gift bags that she's put on the bar as well.

So you don't know quite what's going on there. Maybe you want to check in with her and see how she's doing. But that's where we'll pick up. The quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. with her and see how she's doing. But that's where we'll pick up. The Quiet On Set, Sound Speeding, and we're rolling! Guys! It's always so fun seeing the guest face.

I know. Just their enthusiasm fades, and they're like, oh God, this is the next hour of my life. Why did I decide to do this? When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peep

at the Noble Bottoms of. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass.

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Vonice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

You would mean the world to me if you were my best friend. Beef, is it your birthday? Yes. You know, I didn't know I had a birthday. Hey, Beef, my best friend. Beef, we all got birthdays. Oh.

Well, I want one of those. That sounds nice. Oh, we could pick one. Yeah. Pick any day. There's a bunch of presents around. We could just pick today, and maybe those presents can be yours. Hey, happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Beef. Thanks, man. Well, today, we're going to call him King happy birthday. Happy birthday, Beef. Thanks, man. Well, today we're going to call him King, all right? Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm King, and my first order as King is to continue watching Chalice, because this is hilarious. You are my favorite. Makes it even funnier that she has toilet paper on the bottom of her foot.

Oh, what's up? Hey, Miss Chalice. Sorry. Hi. Did you say Miss Chalice? Did you just say Miss Chalice? You've never done that. Interesting.

What's up? Just didn't want to bother you, but you do have, it looks like you have some toilet paper on the bottom of your foot. You've been trailing back and forth as you've been pacing. Also, you've made a little ditch in the ground here from all the pacing you've done. Interesting. Can I talk to you guys for a second? Sorry, Anne.

It's my birthday. What? Sorry. I came over here with a lot of information. Yeah. Can I talk to you guys really quick? There's something I want to ask you. Is this about Beef's birthday?

I didn't know it was Beef's birthday. Beef, is today really your birthday? Today's the day. Oh, happy birthday. Thanks. The three of you mean the world to me. Uh-oh. And I was just wondering. Oh, oh god is she still practicing no i'm talking she somehow still sounds like she's across the room it would be my honor if the three of you

hands you little bags would be in my wedding party you're the three best friends i've ever had in my whole life and you make me finally feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself. You're the best friends I'll ever know. And I love you. And here are three ties you can wear on my wedding day, should you accept this invitation. Oh, my God. The day finally came. On my birthday of all days, too.

Oh, my God. Of course. Of course, of course. Chally, Miss Chally. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What are we talking about? Oh.

I sneezed, and everyone said, bless you. Oh, bless you, Chalice. Thank you, Jennifer. Yes, these are just sneeze ties. Or birthday ties. They're actually birthday ties. Wink. Big wink to three out of four of us.

Jennifer winks back. That wasn't for you, Jennifer. Oh, Cappy winks. She winks back. Oh my god, Charlie, this is huge. I've been writing my diary every day, wondering and hoping and hoping and praying that I'd be a part of get to stand up there and watch you get

wed. Yeah, you guys are my best friends. Four-way jump hug? Four-way jump hug? One, two, three. Three. Okay, no, actually, everyone at once. Let's try it one more time. Four, three, four, three,

four. What are we jumping on? Four. Go! I'm so happy! I'm so happy. I'm so happy. You're my best friends. Wow. Great sneeze, Chalice. As you're clustered together, you hear a full fanfare of like,

And the door pops open and it's me. Hi, it's Countess Vaughn. And I'm a total catastrophe. How's everybody doing? Can you describe in detail what... Is it Countess? Countess Vaughn, you've got it correct. Absolutely.

I'm absolutely dripping in couture. I've got a brightly colored pant with a fun pattern and a dress with the exact same pattern on it on top of pants. Can you believe? I've also got a bag to match and a little scarf. And I'm a turtle person. And you think I'm slow, but no, no, no. I'm all go, go, go. But no, no, no, I'm all go, go, go. And for context, Chip, Seb, and Beef, you are ecstatic because you recognize this as one of your best friends of all time.

Sort of the chalice before chalice, the fourth employee of Bottoms Up, your co-worker from the past, who's your best friend, they're back. Is that a classic four-way hug? Look out for me. Bound, bound, bound. And I throw my big turtle arms around everyone. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! My.

We all shove Chalice to the ground. Chippy, seppy, Beefy. My love, how are you four acorns doing? Oh, well, an acorn sees an acorn from afar always. And one day a mighty oak is born. Yes, sir. Branch to branch. Oh, here come the leaves.

Whee! Oh, I hope that it's not winter. Brr, brr, it's not winter. Wait, wait, that's not a, that's not a, hold on. Oh, my arm! And Chalice falls and pretends to hurt her arm. She was already on the floor. We all saw that, right?

She was on the floor and then she got up and threw herself. Why don't you roll for performance at this advantage? Oh, no. Okay, I rolled a one. You hurt Countess while doing it. Ouch. Oh, my God. Chalice, what the heck?

The couture. You've put a tiny tear in my tailored pants You know what, it's fine And I just leap behind the bar And I pull out a sewing kit that I've stashed there for old times You know That's where that was I've been looking for that for years

Countess is here, don't worry Now who wants a drink? It's Beefy's birthday I know for that for sure oh my god oh my goodness Countess it is

it is and we're gonna have that specialty cocktail that we always drink we all know it it's so good it's gonna knock you on your behind

that's for sure Beef hind more like yeah Beef hind that's why sure beef hind more like yeah that's why we call it the beef hind yeah and then beef starts scooting his butt on the ground like a dog does now now now you stop that you stop that that's gonna make a mess yes countess all right now you get a wreck you clean that up and and you tell me everything. Everything that's happened to you. Yes, Countess. Running a tight ship. Wow.

Oh, my God. It's like you never left. I forgot why this place fell apart so bad. It was because Countess left. Oh, come on. You guys are doing a great job here. Look. Look it.

Everyone looks so happy. Countess, part of the bar's on fire. We know. You don't have to pretend like it. Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to pretend like oh i'm so sorry it's i don't mean to cry it's just all the smoke is making my eyes remember the old times hey do you guys want to sign my cast um and she's taken the toilet paper that she was on the bottom of her shoe and wrapped it around her arm do you want to sign my well we're actually cheersing right now chalice yeah yeah just

yeah i can't that will be right with you can i make like a strength check of like clacking these mugs together if it spills on her fake cast definitely eight plus three so 12 that'll definitely soak some bandages oh honey, honey, I'm so clumsy. I forget things. I'm so tired. I've been gone so long. I apologize. I'm just silly countess.

Where have you been? What you been up to? You all know that when I worked here, I was doing, I'm a turtle person, right? Yeah. The bar needed to earn some extra money, so I was doing bunny races out the back right yeah yeah yeah we've been missing those yeah it's fun um and i was really good at it you know and a lot of people thought i could take it on the road and so that's what i've been doing i've been racing rabbits all across the lands oh my. To raise money for Bottoms Up? Oh, gosh. My account. Oh, and she just, like, pats her pockets.

Like, originally, I think there was a huge purse on the table, and she just is patting down something. Like, oh, gosh. I don't have a scroll on me. I'm sorry. I don't know. While you're patting your pockets, you notice that there's a little rat in one. Hi.

I'm Jennifer. I guess I'm kind of like your replacement around here. I'm one of the best friends of the gang. And I've heard so much about you. So let me look at you, Jennifer. And I scoop her up in my hand and I look her dead in the face. Aren't I absolutely adorable? Yes.

Yes, you are. And I guess I want to make like a deception intimidation sort of thing of like scaring the shit out of this mouse. So, 13. So, um, if I offended you, then I apologize, but- Oh, no, you didn't offend me. I just want to hold you closer. You're kind of squeezing me. Oh, I'm sorry. We'll have to catch up another time.

All right, let's all drink until we can't drink anymore, okay? Glug. Glug. I love this game. This is my favorite game. Chalice is watching from the stairs like a little kid wearing their pajamas while an adult party is happening downstairs.

Why don't all of you roll for Constitution to see who can drink the longest? Is Chalice drinking too? It sounds like you were sitting off to the side. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's fine. It'd be way sadder if you were drinking while on the stairs. Yeah, I'm going to drink on the stairs too. Oh, sad. 15. Oh, I rolled an 18 plus 2 oh that's sad oh no you're really good at it though

excuse me i i think i. Yes, that's amazing. We've got to do something. It's so sad. The corner and the lighting there is just making her look so... I know. It's too bad, right? Honestly, she's getting married in a couple weeks. She's got her own thing.

You don't have to worry about her. But she does have this backless pajama that is absolutely stunning whoa oh actually i yeah i kind of actually can i pull you over to the side sure sure we can talk about it but please no one disrupt the sad girl in the corner i want to visit this when i come back please chippy what's on your mind don't tell anybody because i don't think anybody knows but actually i used have feelings for Chalice. That's kind of the past, though. What? Yeah, yeah.

I actually have a new girlfriend. And first of all, she's real. And second of all, her name is Alberta Toronto. Now, see, when you preface something with like, yeah, it's real. And I know this is a world where we do magic and stuff. So you having to kind of like, you know, do a little preamble on I have a girlfriend thing makes Countess Vaughn think that you maybe don't. Well, we haven't met yet. So is that what you're saying, that we haven't met yet?

Because that makes sense if that's what you're saying. But she is real. And we do talk to each other via letters. Okay. But, I mean, Chalice is getting married. Are you trying to disrupt that? Like what's your MO? Why tell me this? What? No! I'm in the wedding party!

Oh, what a great way to destroy a wedding from the inside. Countess, you're nuts. You do love a heist. I always remember that about you. I miss all our heists. Beef would like to interrupt uh i'm on the stage now and i have my lute and flute and i go countess could you please uh do us the favor

of uh singing a little song with beefy sure beef uh yes i i i leave uh i leave chip with like that that whole weird conversation i'm like i think he wants my approval to ruin this poor girl's wedding she's so sad i don't want to be a part i'm gonna be nicer to her now i think i am changing uh and i make my way to the stage What'll it be, Beefy? Oh man, should we sing a little Sinatra or a little

Franklin Franklin Roosevelt Dean Roosevelt, yeah Oh I forgot, he was such a crooner Please, you start us off with a Roosevelt tune A one, a two, you know what to do. Sundays, Sundays, Sundays never stop.

No, they don't. No, they don't. They don't stop. They won't stop until it's Monday. Then Sundays can just wait until the week is finished tuesdays not this neither wednesday thursday to friday is kind of my crash time saturday is actually when my week begins chip and sab are in each other's arms like crying. We miss this so much. Chalice is on the stairs swaying going,

Mama said there'd be days like this. There'd be days like this. Mama said, Mama said, Mama. Oh my God. She sounds like she's trapped in a well. He's trapped in a well. Now, I know we joke and laugh and everything, but I miss y'all, and I'd really like to come back if I could. Oh, my God.

Yes, of course. Of course. You know, I do a good job. I swear, you know, I'd only take a little bit of money off the top. Nothing noticeable or anything like that. And I'm crazy. Crazy things happen when I'm around, and y'all are very cool with that. Seb, please, can we make the numbers work? Please, Seb, please.

Let me crunch the numbers. Please. The audience who you just, like, were singing for start applauding and going, Let her come back. Come on. I don't know. Our applause-o-meter's not high enough. Let her come back.

Come on. Yeah, give her a job. Chalice has run up to her room and, as best as she can, has made a makeshift, terrible version of the Countess's outfit to the best of her memory. And then while this is happening, she goes to the top of the Countess's outfit to the best of her memory. And then while this is happening, she goes to the top of the stairs and goes, Da-na-na-na-na! Here she is,

boys! Here she is, world! It's challenge! She never took the toilet paper off of her seat. Look at the applause-o-meter. And there's tears just pouring down her face. Darling, that's a tripping hazard.

Be careful. I'm still falling. Wait, watch out for those pies. Not the pies. Not the stair pies. The stair pies. Watch out for the stair pies. It's got the best breeze over there.

They cool off so quickly on the stairs. They really do. It's still the same spot. God, you really know this place so well, Clowness. Like the back of my hand, she touches a wall. It just is thrown back into a memory. Hey, come on, guys. Which one of you did not refill

the ice chest? I thought that was Sheb's job today. It's Thursday. It was my job. Yep, that is true. Let me run and get some ice. Thanks, Seb. Hey guys, did you know today's my birthday? Chalice is trying

to get into that memory somehow. Ow, my head. My head really hurts all of a sudden. She's trying to climb in. Why are you choking her? Chalice, let go of her. I'm sorry. Oh, my gosh.

Sorry. Chalice goes back to the spot where she fell down the stairs and lays back down. She put a chalk outline of her body so she'd remember exactly how she fell. It's kind of cool. So, Seb, what do you say? What do you say? Oh, I mean, she got a super wicked

on the applause-o-meter, so yeah, I mean, the numbers are crunched. Yes. So I don't need any more information. God, I just love you all so much. Oh, I love you, too. It's the best.

And in that moment, the audience erupts in a huge cheer as well, and they all clink glasses. Hooray! What an incredible performance. They just watched someone get hired. And as they cheers each other, two of them,

their drinks kind of like their tankards knock off one another, and it kind of bonks one of the guys in his nose, and he starts to have a nosebleed, and he just kind of walks up to the bar and is like, I'm so sorry to interrupt. What a fantastic performance. I seem to have kind of gotten a little bit of a nosebleed here. Oh, yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. You're quite a mess.

Let me help you out. And Countess Vaughn reaches out over the bar, grabs them by the shoulders, pulls them in, puts their mouth over the nose, and sucks all the blood out of their body. Uh-huh. So that guy crumples to the floor. He's completely dead. Oh, goodness. It just feels so good when you have a good drink from back home. They don't make them like that on the road, I tell you.

What? Is he going to be okay? Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oops. He just fell out. He was bleeding profusely, and I was trying to give him a little bit of life, and he just dropped dead. Oh, goodness.

Oh, gosh. Oh, that was an accident. Oh, okay. It was an accident. That makes sense. That's why he looks like a crumpled raisin. A little raisin. He's like a little raisin guy now.

Yeah. He looks like toilet paper now. Maybe I'll get him stuck to my shoe. Don't tell Chalice. No, shoe. Don't tell Chalice. No, no, don't tell Chalice. Oh, Countess. Hey, Jennifer, can I talk to you? Chalice, I'm kind of hanging out with my friends.

Sorry. Yeah, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally. What? Okay, fine. The new girl's kind of weird, right? If by weird you mean awesome. Like, she just killed a man in front of all of us, right? Like, I'm not crazy. She just tried to save that guy's life, I think, or something like that.

I don't know, who cares about the details when you're having fun? Up top! Jennifer, you're not even looking at me. You're, like, trying to still be a part of their conversation. Yeah, exactly, Chalice. Sorry, guys, did I miss what you were just saying? Mama said there'd be days like this. There'd be days like this, Mama said.

And a second guy who had originally cheers the tankard with that first guy now also walks up to the bar. And it's like, oh, I just got a nosebleed out of nowhere. I didn't even touch my nose. But that happens to me sometimes. So if anyone's got like a napkin or something. Oh, yes. You know what? Let me show you the back, the storage locker where all the good napkins are.

Come with me. And I like bring him in, like come hither. Thank you, nice turtle person. She hasn't changed a bit. It's like it was a couple years ago we're just hanging out nothing is even weird at all you know she she's just still the bright funny oh man and stylish i forgot how i forgot how unstylish we are now as a group after she left. Yeah, man. We're just so lucky to have her back. Hey, guys. Oh, what's up?

Talis. Oh, that's... Honestly, I forgot what her name was for a second. Is your old friend a blood-sucking murderer or what? Kind of weird, right? Sorry. Wait, who are you talking about? You're not talking about Countess Vaughn, are you?

That was an accident. I see how you got that confused. So she was saying that the guy's nose was bleeding, and then she was just trying to help, but she accidentally sucked too much. And you thought, Chels, you thought it was, you thought that was on purpose? Oh, my other arm.

Oh. Oh, okay. Okay. Do we need to sign this one too? Yeah. Beef signs it hags. Yeah, just sign it. I'm sorry.

I don't mean to step in on your private conversation. No, no, come on. No, no. No, I've closed the bar. You know, we had our last patrons. You know, I was just doing the tills and counting down all the money. Damn, you were already working.

You were already working. Man, thank you. Hey, there's a dead man in here. Huh? This guy's dead. All right, all right, you got me. Chalice, I'm a vampire. What?

I was going to tell you all about it in a cool way. No way! I'm leading up to it. What? Yes, yes. Chalice, why did you do this to her? What? Well, no, no, no, no, no.

Chalice is really going through quite a lot, and I really want to talk to you about your wedding because I love weddings, and I want to hear the theme. I want to know the venue. I want to know everything. This is the first time Chalice is really warming up. But you know, I know that upset you that I killed those two guys,

but it was for just cause. Okay. It was just cause? No, cause, cause. Just cause. Nope.

It was caused. Oh, okay. Yeah yeah so you guys know how um you had sent me a little message about it being beef's birthday and i was like yeah i need explicit written permission to cross the threshold of bottoms up or else i can't come inside yeah of course i remember that yes i needed verbal because you know vampires can't enter a residence without written permission. So I needed that specifically. But I was doing the races in the back with the rabbits, right? And, you know, I was obviously doing very well. And a lot of different patrons came through.

And I owed some vampires some money and I wasn't willing to pay up. So they said, you can take this show on the road but you need to be a vampire so I got bit up and now I'm a really fast turtle person and I feel bad about eating people but they taste so good but I want to change

oh man oh my god countess I had no idea yeah oh my god yeah I think I speak for everyone when I say get out. Well, hold on a second. Hold on, hold on. She needs our help. Whoa, I've already filled out a lot of paperwork

and changed my address on a lot of forms. My new ID is coming. See, yeah, that takes a lot. That's a lot of stuff. We can't kick her out now. She needs our help. Hey, Jinx. Jinx.

What are you afraid? I'm just going to eat a guy that I've been saving behind the bar for this exact moment. You mean this guy? No, that's. Bar's closed. Count just gets upset and leaps towards the one extra one and just bites. I need help. Wow, that sucks.

That guy didn't even get out a funny line before he died. They're just meat to me. They're not even jokes. I can't even enjoy a good joke anymore. Not even a good one-liner. Oh, my God. Countess, you must be in so much pain. I am.

Oh, my God. Come here and beef. Beef waddles up to her and grabs onto her leg. Oh my God, Countess, you must be in so much pain. I am. Oh my God, come here. And Beef waddles up to her and grabs onto her leg. I'm so sorry. I'm just a little turtle. You are a little turtle. You are. See, Charles?

She's just a little turtle. Have you ever seen a turtle cry blood tears? Wow, you guys, you know how a lot of people say that we enable each other's bad behavior. I'm sort of seeing it now for the first time. I feel like I'm sort of now. You're getting an outside perspective. Yeah. I feel like I get what people are saying all of a sudden.

Ugh, fine. What could we do to help you? Should we, hmm, Seb, can you make a potion that tastes like blood so she can just drink that? Like, what can we do?

Okay, well, don't put me on the spot. Whatever you decide to do, the new baby, I mean the Countess, will not be sleeping in my room. What if I just went on one big, you know, killing spree, got it out of my system, and then I go cold turkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like smoking a bunch of cigarettes. Yes. That might be bad for business. I mean. Well, yeah, don't do it here.

What if we go on a bar crawl in the next village? Girlies. I mean, do we really want to condone murder, you guys? You're right. You're right. Jennifer's right. Jennifer's right. I just got, sorry, sorry, I got swept up with with friends we're trying to help and we're spitballing i should have eaten you in

the first act you guys are always saying my my pot of orange tastes kind of like blood i mean we could like start with that um people are always complaining about that yeah okay countess have you ever had our pot of orange no in all my all my travels, I've never heard of such a liquid. That's what everybody says. Yeah, that's what everybody says. This could be our ticket, guys. Hey, let's all go to the kitchen. Okay, we're in the kitchen.

This is great. I like how we all silently walked over from where we were. Yeah, that's the quietest we've ever been. Okay, well, thank you, everybody, for joining me in the kitchen. I'll kind of, like, walk you through my process for Pot of Orange. I didn't realize this was going to be a whole story. He's really binging with Babish over here. Jeez.

I got me some freaking slack, guys. Okay, this is what I do. I take pride in it. So I start by just kind of chopping up whatever's like leftover on the counter. Oh! I nicked myself. Dang. Bleeding a little bit. Oh, be careful.

Be careful there. Oh my god, your eyes! Chalice runs over and swallows Jennifer. Why is that what you did? I don't know. I panicked. This happens too much. This happens way too much.

I know I've been away for a while, but how is that different from what I did? Huh? So fair. Fair point. Do you swallow?

I think that's a personal question. Chalice, you don't have to answer that. Yeah, I did. no question chalice you don't have to answer that yeah i did all right okay so we're down to jenny uh i open chalice's mouth and i shout down how do you make the rest of the pot of orange oh wouldn't you like to know? Get me out of here.

Chalice's knees are going weak just because this is almost a kiss. This is not not almost a kiss. You're going to be fine. Beef crawls up, chips back, and yells down her chalice's mouth. You're going to be fine. You just get 12 hours and you're coming out. The other end. Just tell us. Oh, God. Can I make a stealth check? Yes.

16. Okay. Whatever you're trying to sneak around and do, they don't see you do it. I also, I had Jennifer roll for athletics to try to scurry up Chalice's stomach and throat and then grab onto her uvula like a cartoon.

That just made me feel sick thinking about that. That sensory-wise is just really crazy. Rats scratching your insides to reach up your esophagus. That's crazy. And it's just so crazy that it just worked. And Jennifer is like now just in Chalice's mouth. Spit me out, please. I was trying to save your life.

Jennifer hits the ground. She goes, okay, I don't think the solution can be anytime that someone bleeds around Countess, Chalice swallows them or does whatever she does with them. And I feel like we just need to maybe work on some like mental ways to help you like wean off and or just quit cold turkey killing people and sucking blood

I don't know who you're talking to because Countess isn't here anymore where did she go sorry I was in the other room I was making a throw up potion all right open up, Chalice. No, no. No, please don't, Marty. Come on, come on. I just got

a bunch of Beef's undies and just kind of squinched them. Chalice is just throwing up everywhere. I'd like to do a whatever the hell to see where Countess went. Investigation?

Okay, it was a two. Okay, I'll... You have no idea. Yeah. If you're looking in your pants, I'll look too. Chip rolls a 17. Cool. I don't even know where Countess is, so I can't

give you any clues as to what's going on. But Countess, what would Chip see? So Countess in the bickering made her way out to the front. No, she went out the back. She knows how to take out the garbage and basically looks at the two Capri Suns of the guys that she ain't and looks down the street and is looking for any other like lively bar or is there like an after hours sort of place oh no she's loose oh no so i could see probably like the back doors open or something like swinging yes you can see the back doors swinging you see some uh puddle footprints

leading away from the bar oh no guys we gotta go her. If we don't stop her now, she's never going to stop, okay? Because she go, go, goes. When she's going, she goes. She never stops. She goes and goes and goes. We got to go, go, go, go! Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Can Chalice like stay behind and do her own little quest?

Okay, cool. Sounds great. The rest of the gang are now in pursuit of Countess. Is that correct? Yeah. We're trying to find her. We have like every corner Countess takes, we're like a few steps behind

and we have newspapers and disguises on, like those fake noses. Why are we trying to be disguised? And Countess takes like step, step, step. And then stops, looks over her shoulder, like turns around. And then the two of you just get like plop down as cool as possible. We do that, you know, until it's not funny anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Until it gets really serious and like hours go by. And then I guess I come. What's like, what what would in this universe what would be around is it like uh across the street is uh is the competition so we just walked around the block we've been walking for a while and a bar across the street is called tops down and it's kind of a swankier hotel and restaurant experience so i go i skirt around the outside to where i can like like see into the bar in the dining room area and i'm tapping on the glass like somebody like let me in somebody come on it's one of you please look me look me in i'm trying to

make eye contact with anybody hey i would really like it if I could get in. Hello, you, you. Hi, I'm a doorman and bellhop here at Top Down. Do you have a booking with us? Oh, gosh. Let me just take a look at your book and see if I'm in there. She tries to look through the book to find a reservation that she could fake her as her own. Okay.

You're looking at my book. Yes. I just rolled a natural one. All right. So, yes, there should be a table for one there. The name is Beef. It's my birthday. Beef?

Like the guy from across the street. They're always trying to cause mischief around here. No, we're not. Ike, I'm walking out. I knew it. I knew it. Okay, I'm calling Oreo. He's going to come kick your ass.

You know what, Countess? Eat this guy. I make, yeah, a bite attack. Yes. Two bite attacks. Ah! Ah! Wow, it's getting easier to watch.

Yeah, what does that mean? I don't know. I'm afraid of myself. Ben. And this guy had enough time to say something really funny before he died because he goes, this sucks. Nice. Nice. And you know what?

I'm doing something good for the community because it brings out the creativeness and the people just before they die no no this is wrong i feel bad for encouraging this i just hate this place so much but this is this is wrong guys i'm trying to make it work but it's just so hard people i'm not quite dead but but I feel pretty drained. Get him again. You got one more. This is your last pull. Go ahead, hon. I didn't know I made that bad impression.

I didn't want there to be bad blood between us. That guy had a family. He had a wife and kids, and those were his last words. I'll leave a note. I'll leave a note. I'll leave a note. It's fine. Okay, but that's the last one. That's the last one.

Unless there's a vote of Levin's like, hey, that guy sucks. Go for it, Countess. No, no, no. No, no, no. I want to check in with Chalice and what Chalice has been up to. So Chalice obviously couldn't go because she was projectile vomiting all over the kitchen of Bottoms Up. But once that stopped, she had an idea. And she walks three doors down to the local morgue and funeral home.

And she goes to talk to the funeral home director. Hello, how can I help you? Hi, I've never been in here before. You might not know me. My name's Chalice Glass. How do you do? Oh, the former princess. Truly an honor to have you in our establishment.

Are you dying? Oh, we all are. I've never heard that. I've never heard that. That's good. That's rich. Hey, listen, I'm a big fan of your work. And I'm getting married soon.

And my wedding is looking for a business sponsor. And I want your funeral home, which is called... Kryptonite. We're three doors down. Exactly. And I want Kryptonite to be the number one and only business sponsor

for my wedding, free of charge. It's spelled C-R-Y-P-N-I-T-O-N-I-T. Yes, we... You don't have to do this. I saw your sign when I walked in. No, I just, as the owner, I just realized how good that is.

Oh, cool. Is it magically three doors down from every single building in town? Yes, it's got to be. Yeah, that's magically, yeah. Yes, I want you to be our only sponsor free of charge. Oh, my goodness. Well, it would be an honor to be a part of a royal wedding. I heard you are getting married to a prince. Isn't that right?

Exactly. So much publicity. Your name will be plastered all over the wedding. There's just one thing that I need in return. And what's that? You know how you drain the blood out of everybody and it goes down a chute in the back? Yeah, the blood chute. everybody, and it goes down a chute in the back. Yeah, the blood chute. And then you just kind of like, I don't want to go into it, but we know that you just,

you don't use that blood for anything right now, right? It's just taking up space in the basement. And we have all these empty bottles. And it would be an honor if you would let me bottle that blood and label it, and I won't sell it. I'll give it away for free. And it can help vampires who are just trying to be better and not kill people. So it's like basically like you're doing it for charity.

I'll do all the labor. You don't have to do anything. I just need access to that blood. Well, you did do that thing where you said, I'm not going to that blood. Well, um, hmm. You did do that thing where you said I'm not gonna do this, where you said I'm not going to sell it, which I think everyone knows that kind of clues you into that that is something that you're probably gonna do.

No, no, I swear, I'll do a magical promise or whatever goes on in this world that I promise I'll never sell it. You can't just throw magical in front of something that you say and make it a thing. I don't know. We don't actually play D&D here, winks at camera.

Well, why don't you do persuasion check for me? I got a 14 and plus five is 19. Nice. So he kind of paces for a second. He's like, it is taking up a lot of space and I would like to put my exercise equipment down there. Who cares if she's selling it? I don't.

He's looking into two different mirrors. He's pacing and it creates a little divot tunnel where he's going. And then he turns back. You've got yourself a deal, princess. Thank you so much. And then Chalice, it's a montage of her bottling all of the, I don't know why I'm picturing the Newsies montage

when they're like printing the papers in the basement because it's happening in the basement. And she's making a really beautiful label that says Countess Von Cabernet on it. And it's like, they're all like artfully handmade labels. And then she grabs a crate of it and walks it back to Bottoms Up. And this whole time we've been like looking left and right

trying to find a safe time to cross the street. Yes, it's been busy. It's been busy. We're all holding hands. We're all holding hands. Look left. Keep trying to cross the street. It's been busy. It's been busy. We're all holding hands. We're all holding hands. Look left. Keep trying to go. No.

No, it's not ready. Come on. Oh, wait. We got to hide the body. And then I just put a newspaper over the body. Oh, you know what? No one pushed the walk button. That's my bad, everybody.

That's what it was. Okay. Then we cross the street. As you guys cross the street and you get into... We don't have to roll for that. I'd like to do a dexterity saving throw, please. Yeah, they all do a

back handspring across the street. Ooh, that's only a 15. Roll for athletics, everybody, for how you're getting across the street. Oh my god, I got a 1. 21. I let go of your hand beef sorry yeah yeah people who rolled well how do you get across the street i use the crosswalk i waited until there were no cars and i just go i look like you know like the mat exercise in gymnastics that the women's gymnastics

do i do that where i start at the corner and i point my feet and i breathe heavily and then i run and jump jump jump jump jump i have a long ribbon and i move it so quickly and i spell out said is crossing and beef since you botched i get to say what happened countess is just clapping from across the street. My boys, so strong, all of them, so beautiful, so graceful. And then there's Beef. There's a sewer cap that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come out of that's kind of angled that would be functioning as a vault for Beef.

And so Beef sprints at it, vaults off of it, and didn't realize that there was a group of young newsies who were on strike just outside in the street. Oh, no. Beef hits them headfirst and ends up in a tangle of newsies and their protesting signs in a heap and takes D6 of damage. I got a six. Oh, that's a lot of damage.

Well, it's musical theater damage. Are you keeping an eye on Beef while this happens? I start flashing a bunch of union cards around. Get out of here, you. And we get up and we all hold hands again and we walk into the bottoms up. Chalice, you're smoking a cigarette in the dark. We turn on the lights.

Yeah. I'd like to propose a toast with this new wine. Countess, this is for you. You have an infinite supply. It's blood. Oh, my goodness. Chalice. This is so nice.

And I pick up like a stupidly bejeweled crusted goblet of wine and I sip. Oh, my goodness. Is this a florist? Mm-hmm. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, you didn't have to do this, darling. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, you didn't have to do this, darling.

I did because any best friend of my best friends is also my best friend. And I felt really inspired by I tried to kick you out of here immediately and they didn't give up on you. You don't have to be perfect for them to love you. And I think that's great. Stay as long as you like and drink all the blood. Cheers, everybody. Oh, do you all drink blood? No, I don't. Oh, my God, it's blood. It is just, it's all blood.

It's blood. Jennifer, stop drinking it. I love it, but I hate it. You're not part of the gang by drinking that. That's not how you do it. Then how do you do it? Chalice eats Jennifer for now. And then you faintly hear coming from Chalice's stomach.

Mama said that there'd be days like this. There'd be days like this, my mama said. So you're here to stay forever, for real? You're going to be in every episode forever? I promise to be just out of frame whenever you need me.

That is my sword problem. And you know what? Maybe I'll take a room upstairs and maybe I'll come down only at very specific times. I guess we're usually awake during the day and you're kind of mostly only awake at night. Exactly. See? So that's how it's justified.

Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty convenient. Can they do a five way jump hug that is a freeze frame? On five. One, three, five. As we jump, we squeeze you, and Jennifer is popping out of your face. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, story concept by Waleed Mansour, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were joined, of course, by the best in the biz, Rashawn Scott.

You can listen to more Rashawn on her podcast, Mystery County Monster Hunters Club. We've got a ton of great Chicago friends on that podcast, and I highly recommend checking it out. It's hilarious. Here's the description for it. It's 2006 in Mystery County Superior, and life in the 51st state is weird. It'll take a group of under-experienced teenage monster hunters and their well-meaning mentor to set things right in this improvised comedy actual play, Monster of the Week podcast. If you hate podcasts and listened to this whole episode on accident, you can still watch Rashawn on your TV instead.

Check out Rashawn on Southside season two. If you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd that's sitcom and then the letters dnd. And if you like the show and want more, consider joining our

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our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Get in on the fun. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as as always for listening.