SitcomD&D - S2 E17: Repayers Congregate!

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

There's a new hero in town, and it's not Chip! This new hero, THE RED RHINO (Not Chip), recruits the rest of the gang to join a brand new vigilante supergroup, the REPAYERS (without Chip). Will Red Rhino and the Repayers (Chip Not Part of It) be able to take down a mischievous syndicate of organized criminals? Listen to this episode and find out! Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork and Story Concept by Waleed Mansour Story Concept Also by Sean Coyle Edited by Sean Meagher Chilax Holiday LIVE SHOW link  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This reminds me of when I was a kid and went to Yellowstone with my family. Me and my sister got a book about animal scat. Was it a scratch and sniff? No. That's funny. Oh my God. When we were in the car on the way back home home we were in the back seat and we would use our

pillows and we would like do a little show of different types of poop that what it would look like and and we'd be like holding hands and be like now we're deer poop and then we would let go and be like now we're raccoon poop and what's the pillow doing the pillow was kind of to add like um texture and volume would it look anything like the poop yeah there were some poop where some animals poop and the way their turds are they're connected some animals poop and it looks just like elizabeth's sister just like Elizabeth's sister. Okay? Zing! Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today.

We're picking up inside Bottoms Up on a slow and sleepy day. There's a handful of patrons in the bar talking amongst themselves, but not a ton of work for y'all to be doing. So you're just, you know, you're all gathered around the bar, not really doing much of anything. Just sort of idly passing the time. But since last episode, you guys have noticed that Chip has taken things pretty hard.

After telling you the truth about his backstory and revealing that he's really not a dragon slayer at all, he's been a bit unavailable. Even more concerning, he's been locking himself in his room and kind of keeping to himself most nights. So it's safe to say you're all a little worried about him. And we'll pick up there quiet on set sound speeding and we're rolling when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef and Peep at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant,

and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Hey, Chip. What? Yeah. Well, first off, when you lock the door at nighttime, it's also my bedroom too, so I have to sleep on the bar.

But we'll get... But that's totally okay. Moving past that, I just wanted to check in with you and ask you, are you okay with no longer, you know, being a hero, having that sort of accolade? What? Let me finish what I'm saying. Hey, did someone wet the bar last night?

Oh, hey, Chip. How's my good guy? How you doing, little one? I'm asking you a question. Are you worried that no one cares about you anymore? What is happening? Are you asking Chip if he's worried that he's not a hero anymore and he's got nothing heroic about him anymore?

Chip, Chip, look at me. I'm going to jump off the stairs and fall down your favorite thing when i fall down the stairs here i go owie ow yum was that funny i think that that's your favorite thing beef take a d for a damage okay i mean yeah that was funny but i don't that's not usually something i like too much um Hey, what are we, are we razzing Chip about being a loser? What's going on, y'all? Jennifer. Chip, you suck.

Okay, a little more delicate. A little more delicate. Jennifer, were you not at the family meeting? Sorry, Jennifer, at the family meeting we had that Chip wasn't invited to? Yeah, and I wasn't invited to either. Oh, shoot. You never invite me to family meetings.

Okay, well, we decided that this is not going to be a teasing situation. We're going to be really gentle with little Chip. Do not bring up the fact that he's not a hero anymore, okay? Also, Chalice, just while we're in this little huddle right now, the reason why the bar is wet is because I woke up and

Beef was literally peeing on top of me. So that is what happened there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huddle over. Okay, so to sum up i was just called a loser you said i'm not a hero and you said nobody cares about me anymore is that right those are all the things that i've heard hey buddy we we love you my dude my guy i love you i love y'all too i truly I'm okay. Okay, really? I'm doing all right.

I'm not even bothered. It wasn't even like that was at all a part of my identity or anything. I barely even brought it up. You haven't been wearing your scarf, though. Oh. Hmm. Yeah, I guess maybe it's hanging in the closet. I guess it's a little warm out, right? we don't need scarves when it's warm it's the dead of winter yeah it's it's a hot

winter though you're not even wearing clothes you're just wearing a blanket buddy yeah it's a hot i'm sorry it's hot at neck level in this town and in the bar and then below neck level yeah you gotta wear a blanket because it's chilly down there it's the dead of winter chalice have you um figured out a way to like introduce yourself chip uh you mean besides chip ahoy uh remember that thing well and then i go wait never mind i think that's been working hey chip uh i'm a little bit concerned because the entire time that you've been talking to us you were just just carving the words, who am I into the bar wood. Yeah. And this isn't even subconscious or anything. I'm doing this totally on purpose. And I'm listening fully also to what you guys are saying. Yeah, guys, I am good. I'm good. hey yeah guys we should listen let's listen to our friend if he if he says he's good then by golly gosh he's gotta be oh he's crying he's crying he's crying he's crying but he's still

smiling it's really kind of footing no guys i'm i'm telling you i'm living the life actually to not have the burden it was a burden let's be honest people, to not have the burden. It was a burden. Let's be honest. People coming to me all the time saying, Chip, Chip, you're the biggest hero I've ever heard of. I need your help. Right? That was happening all the time. It's more like you coming to them, but yeah.

And they were, you know, begging me, yanking me away from what I'm trying to do here. No, I don't need that anymore. But speaking of heroes, have you heard about this new guy running around town solving crimes and kicking butt and taking names oh no i haven't you guys haven't heard of the red rhino the red rhino no i haven't seen it in the newspaper i mean good luck getting a picture of him i've been trying to i actually might get hired to take pictures of him at some point. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, everybody. Wait, isn't that going to

take away from your job here? You can't take another job. Oh, you know what? You're right. You're right. But this guy, I mean, he's solving crimes left and right.

You know, he's really stopping bad people from doing bad things. I'm impressed. I don't know. He kind of sounds like a menace to me. Yeah. I guess he works around the law to get stuff done. But, you know, sometimes you have to do stuff like that. Sounds a little selfish, right?

Like, it sort of seems like he's in it for the wrong reasons. Is he really helping people or is he helping himself? Oh, my God, yeah. He went and he punched this guy right in the middle of the face. Oh, what? I'm thinking headline. Red Rhino assaults elderly. Yeah.

He wasn't elderly. It was a child. Oh, worse. Okay, worse. Red Rhino, sort of bad name. What's his uniform? Does he wear regular clothes? Yeah, does he have a horn in the middle of his forehead?

Are you talking about the Red Rhino? Regular Joey here chiming in, loving to get into the talk as I always do. I, of course, have heard of the Red Rhino. You all haven't. We're just hearing about that menace now. Not a menace, but... Well, the Red Rhino you all have it we're just hearing about that menace now not a menace but well the red rhino from what i've heard he prowls in the night a creature not of this plane stronger than anything you can imagine why are you nodding and smiling chip

because it's good he's he's summing it up well. I mean, from what I've heard, again, you know, murderers, crooks, and thieves all fear him more than the night itself. And you'll know when he's coming because he stinks something awful. A stinky, a stinky guy. Is that right? That's part of his character description? That's what I've heard. I'll only tell you what I've heard.

Oh. And if you're up to no good and you do smell him, run. Because he's not very fast from what I've heard. And you'll be able to get away rather easily. I doubt we'll be able to smell him over chip stink. Pee. Ew. Well, maybe if he comes around, I just won't be there how about that then

okay okay weird way to put it like that it's kind of making me think about that a little bit in that moment you hear from outside of bottoms up someone screaming help help i'm being robbed someone help me everyone lock the doors lock the doors and pull the blinds we're not home don't tell me twice yeah me neither yeah i mean who would help somebody i mean i'm not a hero anymore so i don't need to help actually you know what i'm kind of sleepy in here. Is that a yawn? Oh, I'm a little tired in here. Well, stop yawning. You're going to make me yawn.

Now I'm yawning. I'm going to call it a night. He starts slowly walking towards the stairs. It's 11 a.m. And then he sprints up the rest of the stairs and locks the door. No, no, no. that's my room too. That's my, no. I want to peek through the blinds that we've just drawn.

I want to peek through. I'm going to get a crate and hop up on there and peek through the blinds. We're doing our classic head stack, but of course, Chip is not there. Perfect. Why don't, why don't, uh, don't be funny, you roll for perception. 14. So you see in the middle of the market square is a gnome merchant being harassed

by a Kenku wearing a roguelike hood. And for reference, Kenku are bipedal humanoid birds standing about five feet tall. Oh, my God. That's a real scene out there. Popcorn? Yes, please. Tasty.

Do you mind if you trickle it down, just kind of pour it over our heads? I gotcha. I mean, I guess I can play this Red Rhino character as well. Oh, my God. Do you want to play this Red Rhino character as well. Oh my God. Do you want to describe what Red Rhino looks like? Yes, of course. From the top of a nearby roof, you see hunched over is a character wearing a hat slash mask combo covering the mysterious figure's head, off of which a comically large red horn protrudes he dons an overly tight figure hugging padded red suit and on the chest are the initials

rr which are proudly displayed oh and also he has a red scarf on and this character which of course is not Chip, jumps off of the roof and dives horn first into this Kenku. Oh my god, brutal. Holy shit. Whoa. Are you looking to kill this Kenku or knock them unconscious just in case this goes that far? Let's say kill. Okay, why don um roll do an attack roll with your horn it also just so happens that um that that red rhino's horn has the exact same stats as chip's battle axe that's just like what a coincidence it's total coincidence that's so coincidence. That's so random. Wow. It's really random.

24. Okay, that'll hit. Oh, yeah. Nine. You see the red rhino. You guys watch as he jumps up in the air, thinks about doing a flip, but decides against it.

And it's like perfect headfirst dive straight into the chest of this Kenku as he screams, Red Rhino. The Kenku screams back, Squawk. I'm eight years old. Squawk. Huh?

Does anyone else think he's like really hot? He's a cutie. Too bad he's murdering an eight-year-old, question mark? That is definitely coloring it. Yeah, that is. The red rhino is going to do a perception check to see if this is actually a child or not. Cool. 17.

You can tell that this is actually an adult. It's an adult Kenku. Just mimicking things that it's heard before. You liar. I'm going to take you down. And in that moment, the Kenku strikes back, pulling out a dagger. They rolled a 16.

16 doesn't hit. 16 doesn't hit you? Mm-mm. I want to slap the dagger out of their hands. Or the red rhino wants to slap the dagger out of. Thank you. Be careful there. Be careful there.

Another Kenku appears on a top of a building nearby and calls down to you. You hear, unhand him. No, dude. So cool. Chalice is like really into all of this. Do you know who you're messing with? Not really.

He didn't say, hey, what's your name, guy? None of your business. Oh, okay. I don't know. is this a riddle if you don't unhand him then you're gonna have the wrath of my entire family oh my gosh some sort of syndicate is being kind of put into the fold here all right for the sake of all these people around i don't want to cause any more trouble just give the money back and the Kenku that you released kind of rubs its neck and takes a few steps and then goes to hand the money bag back to the gnome merchant

and then just takes off running away out of the square. Go after him, Red Rhino. Get him. He's too far. I'll get him next time. And the Kenku on the top of the building squawks again. You all messed with the wrong family. You're all going to pay the price.

Lock your doors and stay inside. Because we're coming. This looks exhausting, doesn't it? It looks tired. I just thought of they only heard the phrase we're coming was one of the things that they took. For all of you. All of us?

What? The whole town. And then it flaps its kind of wings and it can only get a couple feet off the ground, but disappears into the cityscape of Frasier. Beef starts trudging up to the red rhino. What's the big idea, red rhino? Now we got the whole town in danger. Yeah, red rhino, what's your deal?

And Chalice has, in that short amount of time, cross-stitched the Red Rhino logo onto the shirt she was just wearing. She's merged for him. She's very into him. What I need to do is save the day. That's what the Red Rhino does. So I'm going to take on an entire mafia of people

a huge crime family on my own and kill them all I guess do you need any I mean do you want some help maybe yeah I could actually this is going to sound weird I've actually done this before I've destroyed

a whole syndicate of I've kind of already done this before and I have a bunch of capes I've kind of already done this before. And I have a bunch of capes I've been working on, so if you need help. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And I got wigs on wigs. If it's not a bother, if you guys aren't doing anything, I guess you guys can help me out.

First things first. Alright. We can't go in there looking like yourselves. Alright. You put a danger to your family and to your friends. So we need to get you guys suited up. Way ahead of your buddy. And Beef's already in like a full, like, he's a black widow. I mean, he's a full black suit with multiple different arms coming off of him.

Just connected by string. Yes, it's connected by string. Like little kid spider costume. Uh-huh. I was hoping you were going to say you look exactly like Scarlett Johansson. And I got beautiful, what is her, auburn hair. Are y'all, just for context, are you just in the market square right now? Yeah, just kind of talking it over.

Oh my God. Oh my god. There is like a group of 12 people who are politely acting like they're not just staring at you but they completely are and they watch Beef get butt naked and then struggle to squirm into this like leather jumpsuit.

Beef, hold on, hold on. Maybe we should hide. That's the whole point of hiding identities. Alright, well let's go into Bottoms Up real quick. Back in time. I didn't realize. I'm so sorry, guys. I really didn't realize I was part of it.

It's okay. It's okay. You got to be secretive about it. I was just kind of changing. Also, Beef, your junk is still pixelated. So, like, what's going on now? Yeah, it's been different ever since. It's just been different.

In the time that they've been talking, Chalice ran up the stairs, and now she's walking down the stairs, like, you know, when, like, someone comes down in their prom outfit to show their parents. She's sort of expecting everyone to be excited, and she's dressed like a hawk

with, like, an eyeball on top of her head. She's Hawkeye. And she has bow and arrow. Can I ask you a question about what it looks like? Yeah. So are you like in like a morph suit, like a skin tight thing, and then there's like a giant eyeball?

Yeah, so thank you so much for asking. So she's in like a skin tight suit, and then she has hawk wings. Oh, cool. Okay. And then she's wearing like an eyeball around her head can the eyeball blink yes the eyeball blinks and so sometimes she loses her line of vision completely beef's tangled up in his other arm so he can't really give chalice what she wants right now. He's like fighting the other arms. Ta-da!

I'm Hawk Eye. What's your deal? I shoot arrows when I can see. Hoo-ink. And the whole eye blinks. Whoa! Holy! Oh my God!

Do you control that eye? Mm-hmm. Hoo-ink. And it stays still. Oh! Damn it! That's cool. Whatever. Whatever. Seb, Inc.? And it stays still. Oh. Damn it. That's cool. Whatever. Seb, what are you gonna be?

Well, hold on. And there's like a bunch of clinging and clanging, and I'm carefully taping a bunch of tin cans to my body. I'm the tin man. No, what's harder than tin? I'm the aluminum man. No, what's harder than tin? I'm the aluminum man. No, what's harder than aluminum?

I'm the iron man. Oh. But it is just tin, right? It is just tin. But he's holding that iron for ironing clothes, so I think it works. Yeah, so watch out. To confirm, you could just have turned into any animal, right?

How do you know that? How do you know that, Red Riding Hood? Yeah, so watch out. To confirm, you could just have turned into any animal, right? How do you know that? How do you know that, Red Riding Hood? Yeah, wait a second. I don't remember telling you that I have that ability. Oh, it says on your bar license, it has your class of druid. No one's ever read that before. Yeah, I don't think I've ever even looked at it. You know what?

Wow. You guys, I feel so bad for Chip. He would be loving this right now. You know what? I'm going to hop upstairs and so bad for Chip. He would be loving this right now. You know what? I'm going to hop upstairs and see if maybe he wants. No, don't do that. Excuse me? You got to let people sleep.

It's 1130, though. It's 1130 a.m. You got to let people sleep. Was he sleepy? He did say he was sleepy. He said he was going to bed at 11 a.m. Yeah, you gotta let people sleep. Okay, I'm ready.

Can I get a drum roll, please? No. No, sorry. My God, you guys are the worst. No one else did, so just get on out of here. Yeah, come on. No one else got a drum roll. Jeez Louise.

From the kitchen, Jennifer explodes out. She goes, I'm the Red Rhino. And she's dressed exactly like Chip, just super small. Jennifer couldn't think of one for Thor or Captain America, huh, honey? What the? Couldn't think of one for Thor or Captain America, huh, honey? What the? Couldn't think of a Hulk thing? Her horn is so big that it makes her top heavy, so her head is always falling down towards the ground.

Is this a joke or are you making fun of me? What, you guys don't like it? That's me. I'm the Red Rhino. Oh, my God. So no one else can be the Red Rhino. Okay. And she snaps the horn off of her head,

and she throws it on the ground. You guys make me so angry. Oh, here we go. Here it is. Here it is. Here we go. Oh, my God. A little rat turd just popped out.

A little rat turd just popped out. Yeah, that's all that happens. She gets so angry that she kind of turns red, and then she turns green, and then made herself pretty much sick from how angry she got, and she's pooped a little bit, and then now she's got... She's green because she's sick?

She got so angry she got sick and turned green, and then she's just kind of laying on her side panting after her little dandruff. Maybe you sit this one out, Jennifer. You gotta sleep now. You gotta let people sleep. Can I crawl into someone's suit just in case something fun happens? Hop in one of my cans.

Woo-hoo! She jumps in a can. All right, crew, it's time to investigate. We gotta go straight to the top. Who's the baddest person you know in this town? Mr. Pibb? It's Mr. Pibb. Or maybe Jennifer's ex-boyfriend.

Let me ask, does Mr. Pibb usually give a lot of exposition? Yeah, too much. He does. How do you know? Yeah, he does. Did someone say they need a mister? I'm going to go to sleep. I'm going to sleep. I need my sleep. Well, then you gotta let him sleep.

We all act like we're sleeping. Okay. Well, if there's any interested parties, I'll just say this to the sleepy room. What you guys are dealing with and what we're all dealing with now is a group of vagabonds that call themselves the Scarecrows. They roam the lands, wreaking havoc, and are known for being

recklessly greedy and needlessly violent. They hang out at their temporary hideout called the Crow's Nest. Don't move. Don't move. Don't crow's nest yeah where is it you know where that is oh yeah okay fine it's a hollowed out tree in the west woods on the outskirts of town you'll know it when you see it thank you bye maybe that earns someone a free drink. Oh, I don't work here. Say, where is the wait?

Where's the whole staff? None of us work here. None of us work here. Can't really okay that. Yeah, we're actually a group of heroes. Yeah. We're the repayers. We, you know, when people do something bad, we get repayment and we go after them.

Chalice just gives him a free drink. Just take it. Cool. So do you guys want to head that way? Absolutely. Yeah. But Beef wants to put, he's going to put a sandwich out in front of Chip's door just in case he gets hungry when he wakes up. And Beef says, he's like, we're going on an adventure, buddy.

I wish you were there. And then he runs. And then he falls down the stairs. Seb runs back in, sets up a cardboard cutout of himself at the bar. And he goes, just in case somebody comes in. It says, take one only. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. As you guys are now heading to the outskirts of town and getting closer to the Westwood, how do you want to go about it? Just for shits and giggles, can Chalice try to fly up there?

For sure. Okay. What do I roll for? Why don't you roll athletics? Oh, I rolled a 19 and I have plus one. Oh my God. Chalice takes off running, jumps into the air at the exact moment that a huge gust of wind comes out of nowhere and propels Hawkeye, aka.k.a. Chalice,

into the air 30 feet above the ground. Oh, my God. Chalice, you're flying. Should I use this for observation or should I shoot an arrow inside there? That's smart. Observation's smart. Roll for perception. Damn it. I rolled a five and it's plus four, so nine.

You don't see the crow's nest, but you do see a path, almost like a vein leading from the outskirts of town through the woods just to where the crow's nest probably is. It looks like a path that's been traveled quite frequently, almost leading like a stream to probably where it is. I saw a path that we can take. Let's wait till nighttime.

Make sure it's dark so we can be stealthy and get in there nice and quiet. This crew of heroes sleeps on the side of the road until it's nighttime. Like in a video game, when you just like click like wait seven hours. Yeah, and it just becomes that time. So while you're waiting, nobody takes the path.

None of the scarecrows in the family are moving across it. But it is nighttime now. So what do you guys want to do? Wake up. Wake up, everybody. I'm awake. I'm awake. Sorry.

I know I broke my cardinal rule of letting people sleep. You have to let me sleep. Jennifer, you can sleep. All right, crew. You guys ready to take these folks down? Hell yeah. Oh, Beef, you got a new little voice. That's kind of cool.

Hey, yeah. You got something, too? I thought maybe it would be fun to get into character. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, me too. I'm Hawkeye. Yeah, I'm Hawkeye. Yeah.

And I'm Iron Manye. Yeah, I'm Hawkeye. Yeah. And I'm Iron Man. Love it. Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good. We start taking the path towards the crow's nest. Okay, so you guys are walking the path that you can tell has been treaded by the scarecrows towards- Actually, I can drive. Oh, nice.

I pick up the crew, and the red rhino puts his ass in drive. Huh. That sounded familiar. And it smells familiar. You are a much better driver than our friendship. Wow, you are, like, way better at driving than him. Oh, really? What's that guy like?

He's one of our closest friends. He's a great guy. I think you two would really hit it off if you guys got to hang out with each other. You guys speak so highly of him. Do you guys speak highly of him to his face, or do you guys just make fun of him all the time? No, we would never. Oh, my God, of course not. Never.

Would not be caught dead doing that. Yeah, just between you and me, buddy. He's kind of having a hard time. He hasn't been hiding that at all? No, no. It's been clear as day that he's upset. It's super obvious, his feelings? Oh, yeah.

This guy, his motions are written right on his face. The other day, I ate his sandwich on accident, but it was actually on purpose. It was his sandwich, Tony. Whoa. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry. You were saying. Yeah. His emotions are all over his face. I mean, he's stuck in this love triangle right now. He's pretending that he's with this one girl, but he loves this other girl. It's pretty crazy stuff. You think that his girlfriend is not real?

I mean, it's pretty obvious. I mean, it's pretty obvious. We haven't met her. Her name's Two Cities put together. I mean, that doesn't mean anything. She could be very real and the love of his life, and maybe they spend the rest of their lives together, and maybe she's definitely real.

Wow, Red Rhino, I didn't know you were such a romantic optimist. Yeah, you know, I just, I think, you know, I love love. Yeah, well. If I had a podcast, I'd probably make it like Rhino's Tips or something like that where he talks about love, you know? Patreon.com slash sitcom D&D. Very good. Very subtle.

Just between you and me, Red Rhino, I really feel like Chip would be a lot happier with Chalice. Can I ask if, do you think this friend would? What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Why aren't we using our new voices? What? Intruders.

Intruders. Oh, shoot. We walked right in the entrance. Oh, man. Beef does an 18 hit. Yeah. So that arrow does go into you. Okay.

And it does six damage. It is on. Right now, you see that there are four members of the scarecrow family. One has a bow up in the crow's nest itself, which is the bottom half of a barrel looking thing at the top of this tree that they're standing in, about 20 feet up. And then three more come out of the hollowed

tree section beneath it. And they are armed and ready to fight. Now why don't we roll for initiative here. 11. 16. here. 11. 16. 20. 15.

Black Widow, whenever you're ready, what would you like to do? One of my spider hands pulls out a dagger and I flip into the air and then I get into my boof ball and I roll between someone's legs and then their heels awesome why don't you roll for an attack i rolled the 19 that hits so what damage does it do oh a four plus two yes six i hop back up and i go, that was pretty cool, guys. Right? That was pretty whammy-tammy.

And now the crow is going to strike back. First crow botches. Bop! That wasn't supposed to happen. Second crow, this one hits. And it's also going after the boof ball, just because you got there first in her front and center. Uh-oh.

And it did six damage. All right, well, this is good night, guys. I'm at zero. That escalated quickly. Now the third crow is going to attack. Oh, no.

It's going to try to just kill you for good. I don't like that. It hits. I'm sorry about this. This is why I didn't want to go first. And then next up is Hawkeye. Oh, thank God.

All right. So can I shoot my arrow up to the guy in the crows next? Try to. Sure. So I rolled a 17. So that hits. Then a six. And then plus Sure. So I rolled a 17. So that hits. Then a 6. And then plus 2, so 8. You throat shot that one

up top, Hawkeye style. And it falls from the crow's nest all the way down. Boom. Hits the deck. And then you see one of its family members look over and go, that's going to leave a mark. Maybe it heard Mr. Pibb say that.

You had a cool catchphrase. He was not even the one who did the kill. I feel like I didn't even get to say my catchphrase. You did a good job. Thank you. Wink. It didn't wink. Red Rhino's up.

The Red Rhino revs up. He does like animal scraping their foot against the ground. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. And then he does a little bit of a Scooby-Doo run. And then he runs head first, horn first into the nearest crow and wants to drive them into the earth. Roll them bones. Is a 14.

That hits. The damage is 8. That's gonna take this Kenku all the way out. So do you want to describe what it looks like? He runs headfirst. Horn goes straight through the Kenku's torso. He lifts him into the air and

drives him into the ground so far that his head gets lost in his torso. Damn. Covered in blood. Matches the suit, doesn't it? And winks at Hawkeye. She faints.

That same Kenku looks over and saw that and goes, that's gonna leave a mark. Okay, let's get it the second time. Hold on, is he hanging out with Mr. Pibb that much? Yeah, I think all these motherfuckers are hanging out with Mr. Pibb. What if Mr. Pibb is the secret crime boss, the big bad in the background this whole time? That's the dream.

That's my dream. We figured it out, Sean. Nice try. You can't get anything past the four of us. You hear... And out of the woods walks Dr. Pibb. He goes, I heard clapping wards off mountain lions.

What are you guys up to? Oh, damn it. Okay, off man. Beef wakes up for a brief second from his death and says,

fuck you, Mr. Pibb, and then dies again. Tin Man, you are up. I am Iron Man. Whoa, here's some vines.

I use entangle. And now, they must pass a strength check in order to free themselves because it is difficult terrain. Now, is that immediate or is that on their turn that they do that? I think it's on their turn before they can move. Cool.

Now it is Beef's turn again. So you have to do death saving throws. Okay, an 18. That's one win. That's turn again. You have to do death saving throws. Okay, an 18. That's one win. That's a save. You got one check mark out of three. It is back to the crow's turn. They are entangled. They're going to have to roll a strength

check to see if they can still attack. 17. That passes. Nat 20. Short sword attack on the red rhino oh eight damage oh and it goes that's gonna leave a mark and then oh the next gig you rolled a 19 it is also out of the entangle i don't even know why i tried and it's going to also jump in on the fray and attack Chip. Okay, it doesn't hit. It is Hawkeye's turn again. So Hawkeye, there are two

crows left. So I'm going to roll a five. Were you trying to shoot with your bow and arrow? Yeah. It's because Chalice tried to do the Hawkeye shot where she fell backwards and shot up. But obviously

that didn't work. So she kind of just jumped, fell backwards and shot up. But obviously that didn't work. So she kind of just jumped, fell backwards, and shot an arrow into the air straight up at the sky? Yeah. It's back to Red Rhino. Red Rhino once again revs Scooby-Doo's and heads straight towards the least damaged of the ones. The ones that hasn't been hit. Does a 25 hit. Yeah. Nine damage. one that hasn't been hit does a 25 hit yeah nine damage what's it look like when you kill this freaking thing uh he makes eye contact with the last surviving one as he heads for the one he's

attacking and he looks at him he makes eye contact the whole time and once again drives him lifts him head into torso stands up looks at the guy that's left and says that's gonna leave a mark the last one takes off running i grab him okay listen up punk you're not gonna mess with this town wait are you who are you? Are you like a big guy? Do you talk like the big guy? Or are you like the main guy? He was in charge. And points at one of the dead ones. Oh.

Okay. Well, are you a kid also? No. I throw this guy. I mean, I am if it's going to stop me from getting killed. No, too late. I throw him up in the air. I throw him up in the air so that he lands on my horn.

Oh, my God. I shish kebab his ass. Jennifer pops out of the tin can and says, Pocket. Looks like someone's horny. Oh, so adorable. I'm a freaking fire baby. So I'm going to use Cure Wounds. Can I do that. Oh, so adorable. I'm a freaking fire baby. So I'm going to use cure wounds. Can I do that?

Thank you. All right. So plus seven. Beef wakes up. Oh, man. Did we win? You look over at the red rhino and there's a bird shish kebab onto his head. Guys, we saved the town.

We did it. We're heroes. I'm a hero again. I did it. We're heroes. I'm a hero again. I did it. Again? Again? I mean, I'm a hero consistently as I have always been.

Let's go back to Bottoms Up. Celebratory drink? Yeah, I can't wait to tell Chip about this day. It's crazy. He's not gonna believe it. Yeah, let's just go back. And then we actually, we're going to hang out with our buddy Chip tonight.

Chip, Red Rhino. So you should probably take off for the night. Yeah, when we get back there, I'll take off. Great. I'll follow you all the way back there. No, you can go ahead and leave now. You're not coming that way, are you? I'll follow. I'll follow you guys all the way back, and then I'll follow you all the way back there. No, you can go ahead and leave now. You're not coming that way, are you?

I'll follow. I'll follow you guys all the way back, and then I'll leave. Yeah, walk us home, and then we'll wait a minute. Actually, do you guys have a bathroom upstairs? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we do. So we walk back in.

I had a pleasure of a day working with you guys. I'm going to go take a really, really long pee. Bye. Bye. He starts walking slowly hey red rhino yeah can i tell you something yes um i think it's really cool that you're a hero because you saved the day and killed a bunch of people and did something super strong and heroic but chip's my hero because he takes really good care of us and it's really sweet to us and i just think there's different ways to be a hero you don't have to be strong and kill people to be a hero you can be a hero by just being good red rhino's gonna cry that's okay go go pee or

poop or whatever you're gonna do it smells like poop he's he's still farting he is still farting yeah just want to let you know chip Chip is my hero. Doesn't matter. You probably won't tell him. Red Rhino runs upstairs and then you hear some rustling and then soon Chip starts walking down the stairs. Oh man, stop yawning. You're gonna make us

yawning. You're making it so sleepy in here. What's all the hubbub? Oh my God, Chip, you're not going to believe the hubbub. It's huge. We just went on the craziest adventure. What happened? We met this guy named Red Rhino, and he was really strong,

and he looked almost just like you, but like wasn't you. And we went on this crazy adventure where we killed a bunch of people. Right, guys? Guys? You're saying that to the cardboard cutout that I put at the bar. I walk out of the bathroom and I go, I am so sorry.

All that talk of number two, I kind of had to go to number two. Sounds like you like that guy better than me, huh? He was all right. Honestly, he kind of farted a lot. Honestly, if I'm being real, I missed hanging out with you, Chip. I felt like you would have had a great time. Yeah?

You mean that? Absolutely, you guys. Yeah, you would have been doing your signature moves with your axe i just know it yeah well i bet if i were the red rhino i would have had a great day working with you guys and um and you're my best friends and i'm not the red rhino and i have a real girlfriend you know oh yeah how is two cities oh she's good she's good yeah i mean she's really real and doing great things uh mysterious figure enters the bar he's dressed in long black leather jacket that goes all the

way to the floor like a duster and he's got an eye patch he comes up to the bar and he goes and he's got an eyepatch. He comes up to the bar, and he goes, let's you and I stay in touch. He puts a business card down on there and says Mick Angry on it. I'm so sorry, that is a cardboard cutout. You're going to have to hand that to a person with a pulse right over here.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote theeefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song, Waleed Mansour had the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. If you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd. That's sitcom and then the letters D-N-D. Also, we did it!

We hit 500 patrons and therefore released a much-ant much anticipated one-shot GM'd by Aaron Keefe, inspired by the TV series Lost. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 40 hours of content instantly, including the newly released Lost One-Shot. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats.

This week's episode is baby themed. The gang does a bunch of improv based on all things babies and parenthood. And you'll have to listen to find out why. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. Also, if you're in the LA area and want to see me, Aaron, Waleed, and Elizabeth in a holiday live show, now is your chance. The Chillax Miss special is on December 14th at 7pm at the Yard Theater. Tickets are $8

online or $10 at the door. It'll be a mix of improv and sketch and a guaranteed good time. So ticket link is in bio and you can get more information there. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks as always for listening. You next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.

Did I make it? Am I in? You're in! I made it! That was a HeadGum Podcast.