SitcomD&D - S2 E18: Tinsel Todd (w/ Thomas Sanders)

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

'Twas the night before Wintertide and all through the Bottom's up the gang is excitedly awaiting the arrival of the magical Tinsel Todd (Thomas Sanders). Will Tinsel Todd bring them gifts or will he piss in their shoes? Will they learn the true meaning of Wintertide?  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest Star: Thomas Sanders Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork and Story Concept by Waleed Mansour Story Concept Also by Sean Coyle Edited by Sean Meagher Chilax Holiday LIVE SHOW link  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. think it was good enough to release. Hopefully you feel the same way, but just wanted to get that out there. Okay, that's it. Hope you enjoy. Someone also said they would want Scooter to be their wedding planner. Which one's Scooter again? He's the gay little tack that always comes with the Muppet.

The Muppet Jack? Who would be the worst officiant? Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy. She'd make it up. Animal. Animal would freaking light you on fire. I would love Animal.

You get Miss Piggy to be like wedding planner because she would absolutely try to idolize J-Lo. From the movie? From the movie, yeah. From the movie, the wedding planner. From the movie, the wedding planner. the movie no made in manhattan welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today we're picking up insideoms Up on a snowy winter night.

Although the snow is piling higher and higher outside, it only adds to the coziness inside the tavern itself. Light blue and silver ribbons adorn wreaths and garland hung around the tavern, illuminated by a roaring fire and dozens of candles made of light blue and silver wax to celebrate the holiday. For tonight is the night before wintertide. Yes, it's wintertide eve in Frayser, arguably the most anticipated and greatest holiday on the syndication calendar. And at this point, the last remaining patron wished the staff a wonderful wintertide, bundled up and shuffled out into the storm hours ago, and the gang is now readying themselves for bed.

And on wintertide eve, it's of course tradition for families to all sleep in the same bed, close to the fire, where the smallest member of the family is tasked with reading the story of wintertime. And so we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Thomas, where were you? Dice! We'll fix it in post, we'll fix it in post.

When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Pete At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef,

Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, everybody comfortable? Mm-hmm. Yep, right near the toes where I like to live.

You're the only one spooned the opposite way. All of our heads are up here. Read the story. Read the story. Read it. Read it. Okay, okay. I'll try to turn the first page.

Oh, my God! Okay, I'll help. I'll help. I'll help. Beef goes over and helps turn the pages. Here we go. T'was the night before wintertide, when all through the abode, not a creature was stirring, not even a frog. The boots were placed by the fireplace with care,

in hopes that Tinsel Todd soon would be there. Tinsel Todd, Tinsel Todd. Whee! The family were nestled all snug in their bed while visions of presents danced in their heads. When out on the roof arose such a noise, Tinsel Todd arrived

tapping, impressing his boys. Ha ha ha! Whee! His boys are the dwarves who make his carriage fly. They serve Todd for no pay, and no one knows why. They're short and they're plump,

rosy cheeks and white beards. They all wear red suits and smoke pipes. It's so weird. Todd kicked down the door as is the tradition. The family famed sleeping as Todd tore through their kitchen. Standing eight feet tall, he had

quite the appetite. He had found his favorite meal, Skittles and Bud Light. After eating a package and drinking a case, he got out his ledger and began to pace. You see, good folks get presents and bad folks get none.

The ledger is magic and shows who's which one. Lucky for the family, the ledger showed good. So Todd granted their wishes like no other elf could. With a snap of his fingers, all their presents appeared, and Todd jumped out their window while drinking more beers. The family leapt from their bed and ran to their gifts, and despite social

norms, they all kissed on the lips. Thanks, Tinsel Todd! They exclaimed with pure bliss, so grateful Todd hadn't left them with piss. So to all you families out there who want something nice, be kind to others

all year, and that should suffice. But if you're no good and act downright rotten, then on this winter tide, you will be getting piss in your shoes. Yes! Oh, wow.

Oh, God. God, it's so good. Yes! Oh, wow. Oh, God. Oh, God, it's so good. Again! Again! Yeah, again, Jennifer! Again! Again! Are you kidding me? My biceps are toast after turning those pages.

What does everybody want from Tinsel Todd this year? I don't know. I feel a little greedy with mine. Oh, beef, what is it? Well, I want a string. I want a long string so that I can tie it around my sandwiches

and I can never lose them. Wow, I really thought it was going to be a musical string. I really expected it to be for a loot or something. What? No. But it makes way more sense than it is for sandwiches. Yeah, Beef wants a leash for his sandwiches, so that's good.

Oh, good. I want a tandem bicycle for me and my best friend, Seb, so we can ride around town together. Oh, my God. That's a good one. Maybe you can ask for it to have a little basket for, I don't know, someone like me. Beef? No!

What do you want for wintertide, Chip? Yeah, you're being awfully quiet over there. You know, I just kind of miss my significant other in times like this. You know how that goes. I just think it'd be

really nice to get a painting of Alberta. That would actually, I want that too, because what does she look like? Yeah, I was just about to say the words right out of my mouth, Chalice. Well, you guys want to know what I want? Yeah, Seb. Of course, Seb.

Courage. Just kidding, I want a leather jacket. Woo! Hey! Hi! I love that. Just kidding. I want a leather jacket. Woo! Hey! I love that. And for me, personally, I just really... Oh, yeah, Jennifer. Yeah, yeah.

I want everyone to just be filled with holiday joy and wintertide care. And also for all my gambling debts to be forgiven and for my enemies to die screaming. Oh, I want that too. I'm going to take that too. I want my enemies to die screaming. Also a bike for me and my best friend. Any takers? I forgot a dentist.

You forgot a dentist? Yeah, I forgot my dentist. Okay, screw this. Let's go to bed. Otherwise, we're not going to get any gifts from Tinsel Todd. That's right. Did we leave out the Skittles and the Bud Light? Oh, I hope he likes it.

Oh, I hope he's dehydrated. Okay, we have to stay asleep. We have to stay asleep, though. But I'm so excited, Chalice. After an hour and a half of some restless tossing and turning and feigning sleep occurs in Bottoms Up, in the big bed that you're all sharing in front of the fireplace,

in the main space of the bar, you hear something on the roof. The sound of a carriage filled to the brim with dwarves in red suits smoking pipes and Tinsel Todd arriving on the roof.

And you overhear tinsel Todd, perhaps shouting orders to the dwarves from the roof. And it sounds something like, like this. Yeah. Make sure they got the actual skittles that I'm looking for. Not the stupid candies. Psychedelic mushrooms. I don't know why they seem to have this confusion. And wham! The door explodes open and almost comes off

the hinges as Tinsel Todd enters wearing light blue tinsel trimmed robes, a long white fur cape, and a crown made of icicles. And of course, he's wearing his famous silver tap shoes. Weak! For extra stealth, these silver tap shoes are perfect for sneaking into people's homes late

at night. Oh my god! Oh, you heard? No one can hear me. I'm magic. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Shut up! Tinsel Todd about ready to...

Oh, perfect. I see they have their shoes all nicely lined up at the foot of the bed. Perfect. And... No piss, no piss, no piss, no piss, no piss. Unzip, and here we go. No, no. We're all getting pissed.

Is he pissing? So much Bud Light. He's pissing. He's pissing on all of our shoes. This is just because he has to piss, not because we've been bad, right? Oh, and done. And that's it. And that's all the... That's all I got here.

Wait, wait. T-T-Tinsel Todd! Tinsel Todd! I can't imagine you guys can hear me. You're clacking around our bar. We can hear you. No, nonsense. These things are absolutely soundproof. You guys, you guys, guys, let me talk to him. Let me talk to him. You guys, you guys, guys, let me talk to him. Let me talk to him. Hey, you made, sorry, you just made a big mistake.

We're good people. We don't deserve piss in our shoes. We deserve all the cool shit we wanted. What to do? Oh, maybe he thought we wanted piss. That's the only explanation. Oh, okay. I hear you guys. Guys, I got this.

I got this. I got this. All right. Thanks, Beef only explanation. Oh, okay. I hear you guys. Guys, I got this. I got this. I got this. Alright, thanks, Beef. Hey. Yeah. Big boy. You're doing the same thing. Okay. Are you flirting with me right now? I got this. I got this.

Guys, everybody, let me have this. Alright, Seb, Seb. Go ahead, Seb, Seb. You're kidnapped. You are kidnapped. Hostage. Hostage. Hostage go ahead, Seb, Seb. You're kidnapped. You are kidnapped. Hostage. Hostage. Hostage. Hostage.

Oh, like right now. Hostage, yes. No, what? No, no, that's not, look, I've got eight very burly squat dwarves on the roof of your house right now. You think that's- Give me leather then.

Give you leather? Leather jacket. He wants a leather jacket. Did you not get our letters? Oh, no, no, no. I got all of your letters. But this is a very purposeful pissing that I did tonight. I don't I don't understand.

This is this is what I do. You think that I come in here willy nilly, not knowing exactly what I'm going to give to each individual. You could be wrong. Sweetie. Yeah. Let me just pick out this little parchment that I have right here. God, it's a magical ledger. Yeah, just flick it open.

It's a magical ledger. It falls down at my feet, rolls out the door. Let's see here. Yes. Oh, let's see. You there, miss. What's her name? Jennifer. Oh. Jennifer. let's see here yes oh let's see uh you there miss what's her name jennifer oh jennifer it was embarrassing that chalice thought he was talking to her not chalice sorry no i'm talking

to jennifer jennifer yes so right here on this list jennifer pissing shoes that's the that's all that it has right here. And let me tell you right now, all of this was fact-checked gruesomely by all of my other fellow... Gruesomely? Gruesomely. What goes into that? It's a lot of deep, dark spying throughout the year. Jennifer, you know what I'm talking about, right? You know what I'm talking about. Are? You know what I'm talking about.

Are you referring to how I was doing some bad things this year? Yes. See, but that makes sense for Jennifer. But for the rest of the four of us, we're also on the bad list. You're right. Jennifer is kind of the obvious pick for being on the naughty list. Mr. Todd and beefs pulling on your pant leg. Mr. Todd, come on, sir.

Don't do that, please. Yes, what? I just, I gotta be on the good list. Look at me. I got rosy cheeks. I got chest hair. Do your twirls. I'll do a twirl.

No, no, no, don't do the twirls. The twirls are what got you on the naughty list. What? Yes. Yeah, no, they're ghastly. They're awful. You fart a lot when you do it yeah what you what you all need to understand is that all of the people that work on these lists are very picky they're very judgy uh they're prissy bitches and a lot of the gifts that

you all receive throughout the year are from friends and family, not from Tinsel Todd. Those that get the gifts from Tinsel Todd, those who have met the extreme requirements of our caliber. Basically, anyone that would be invited to a private party on my yacht would be the ones that would be getting gifts from Tinsel Todd every year. You have a magic yacht? Yes, but that's all that I'm allowed to talk about. Chalice takes that unbreakable rope that they used in the

end of season one, and she just puts it over, like, lathes it over his head and ties it to a chair. Oh my gosh. Oh, we're going with Kidnap. We are going with Kidnap. Hostage kidnapped. Kidnapped. That just went from zero to 10 real quick.

Is this going to make me tell the truth? What is this? What is this rope? Yes. Yes, it will. Yes, it will. It forces you to. Yeah, beef.

We are all winking at each other. Oh, my gosh. I put up T for trickery. You want me to sit there? Tinsel Todd is immediately terrified of the magic that this rope could potentially possess he can't break free his eight foot tall burly strength can't get out of this rope uh and he knows that he's in trouble jennifer runs up and jumps up on his knee she goes so tinsel todd we're bad right oh yes yes very bad yessel Todd, we're bad, right? Oh, yes, yes, very bad, yes.

Ah, well, if we were bad, we'd probably rip your toenails off one by one. Whoa, Jennifer. And then Chalice scoops up Jennifer and throws her out the window. No, I was saying, no! She's going to be okay. It's just going to buy them some time. I was leading to that word good, because we're not going to do that. You can do whatever you want with my toes.

Just don't do anything to my tap shoes, please. No, no, you misunderstand us. We are not going to do that. You can do whatever you want with my toes. Just don't do anything to my tap shoes, please. No, no. You misunderstand us. We are not going to hurt you, Pinsletod. Terrible, terrible people. We're actually going to change your mind. I'm confused. Are we still threatening him? We sound like we're threatening him. No, no, no. We're going to show him

gruesomely that we're good people. Yeah, we're threatening him. Okay, good. No, no, no, no. We should be on the good list. Okay, well, you're on to a great start by forcing me into a chair and tying me up. I'm already

super convinced, but please, yes, if you really want to make the case for your tandem bicycle and for your Christmas cheer, Jennifer, biggest liar of them all. Please go ahead. Is he talking about me? Nope.

Okay. Listen, Mr. Tinsel. Yes. Yeah. Beefhead pulled up a chair and he's sitting there. He's painting his toes now for him. Painting his own toes in front of me or painting my toes? Painting your

toes. What did you do with the shoes? Yeah, where are my shoes? Don't do anything to my babies. I hung them up. I hung them up next to the chestnut tree. You hung them up, you heartless monster. You were from the darkest depths of hell oh you're a funny guy you say some funny

words in a sentence it's i didn't know you'd be so funny you know i gotta tell you the the painting of the toenails are is strangely, so go ahead. Please continue. I thought maybe because you're on your feet all day, you'd like a little pedicure. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, that's great. Ooh, is that Miller Lite? You have Miller Lite here? You don't have Bud Light? No, it's actually just piss. That is

actually just piss. Oh, okay. You know what? That is my second option, so that's okay. There you go. Oh, okay. Oh, fits right in. Okay. Magic. is my second option so that's okay yeah there you go oh okay oh fits right in okay magic holiday chair anyway sorry beef yes no no i i was just gonna say you know i really i started off this year i i don't know if you know but i got pretty famous uh throughout the town kind of like you uh and And I don't know how you handle it, man. It went straight to my balls

in my head. And I gotta tell you, I really got crazy with power. Do you feel like your balls get bigger when you have power? Oh, 100%. Are you trying to talk him into something? No, no, no.

Actually, Beef is getting somewhere with me. Hold on. Beef always works in mysterious ways. Well, listen here, Beef. Listen here, Beef. This is an important thing. From one famous dude to the other. At one point, you most certainly will feel your balls start to enlarge.

But at another point, in order for you not to be corrupted by that power, you need to start thinking with the balls of the heart. And you just aren't there yet, Beef. You're just not there. You've been thinking balls forward in all the wrong places.

I forgot about the balls of the heart. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yep. Yes. Oh, my God. Tinsel, talk. Everyone is sort of like wincing watching this conversation happen.

They're all like, ugh. Chalice gets it. Chalice gets it. She always gets it. She's smart, man. Sorry. I'm still a little bit confused. I did so much cool stuff this year that was so nice and

cool and good um very true we had a fundraiser for my friend charity who is a millionaire and then got cut off by her fan her parents um i donated all of chip's clothes when i was mad at him to charity so that's pretty cool. Wait, you did that? Yeah, you remember Naked Week when you were naked for a week? Yeah, I remember that. I had to go buy a whole new wardrobe. The reports from my spies were

especially gruesome that week. But yes, what you don't understand, Chalice, is that all of those donations, all of those clothes that you did donate to charity, well, they were just god-awful. They were ugly clothes. No, I can't argue with that. Those are points off. Okay, hold on.

I ended up buying all those back from the local Goodwill. I will show them to you right now, and you tell me that these are not trendy. I will show them to you right now, and you tell me that these are not trendy. You buying them back is exactly why you're also on the nodules. Circulated them right back out into the world. Just hold that thought for one second, and I will show you one of these very trendy outfits. And then I'll donate it. I'll donate it right in front of you.

I'll donate it to you. Yeah. Yep. And I will totally wear them. While he's gone, you guys, it just occurred to me that people are going to maybe start noticing that Tinsel Todd's not delivering gifts. Jennifer, take all of his shit

and then go to all of the houses that are on his list. Here are his shoes. I don't think so. No, absolutely not with the shoes. They kind of fit. They're magic. No wonder you love these shoes. Oh, they put them and they're touching your feet. This is so... This is the

worst. Listen to me, Tinsel Todd. Make your dwarves obey me. Yes, Mistress. They are now under your control, if need be. This is all the rope talking, right? This is completely the magic of the rope that's making the... Yes, absolutely. You is completely the magic of the rope that's making it happen. Yes, absolutely.

You must understand there are forces darker than just those around waiting for other gifts from me that will notice my absence. Please, I have an accountant named Keith. He keeps track of all of the goings on, all of the commerce tonight. And if it is not met, all of the quota, all of the gifts giving, he is going to have my head, okay? Snooze! Heard enough! Do I have your power or what? Yeah, you got my power.

Let's ride! Treat my boys well. Oh, Chip's back. Ya-da-da-doo! Alright, Chip, wanna show us your ugly clothes? It's not looking me. Yeah, I spin around. Here we go to hammer time. And I'm wearing MC Hammer pants.

No. Yeah. You've just been proving my point. I mean, what is this? A lot of this seems culturally offensive. Well, it's okay because I am half orc. And as a half orc, I'm allowed to wear MC Hammer pants. It all makes sense, Mr. Todd.

No, no, this is terrible. Terrible. And yeah, Charles, you were putting this out into the world for others to wear. I can't believe this. You guys aren't making a case for yourselves at all. I'm sorry.

Does that work? Does that do anything for you? That was worse. That made things so much worse. Oh, no, my numbers are plummeting. Wait, wait. What about me? I volunteered as a therapy animal at a hospital.

And you made everyone feel so much worse. And you made everyone feel so much worse. It's not my fault that using wild shape and turning into a wolf hurts me so much, okay? I was just screaming in that hospital. You were screaming incoherently in that hospital. I think we got a clip. Let's go to a clip. Tinseltide, do you have any ghosts of Tinseltime past? What is it? Tinseltide? Winter it tinsel tide winter tide sorry yeah yeah it's it's not it's not so much a ghost as it is like a whole ass projector i

gotta pull out of my jacket right now now this is what this is what the spies show me okay you call them spies yeah they're spies they're dark elven spies uh and it's it's all filmed in grainy black and white oh i love the piano accompaniment here's just a simple black and white title card of uh saying ah which is from you oh no sound, no sound. Wow. No sound, yeah. And all of the other kids,

there's a bunch of other title cards saying make him stop. This is harrowing. Yeah, no. It's hard to see when you're on the other side of it, right? Oh, wow. Maybe we weren't good this year, guys. Well, how about this?

How about we have a list of people we hate. If we went to their house and gave them a present and said sorry, would that get us on the nice list? See, you almost had me now. And I thought we were about to get all catty and talk shit about other people that maybe we mutually hate. And that would have made some points with me. Oh. Apologizing. You know, maybe you can try.

But it's really hard to change the magic parchment at this point. Is Dr. Pibb on there? Is Dr dr pibb on there is dr pibb on there yeah there's a man we know we hate him we hate him is he on the good list or the bad list oh well you know dr pibb uh made some extreme good points right up at the end there when he staged a very killer version of Into the Woods, a one man show. And it was it was actually pretty impressive. So we had to go. We all promised to go to the show and then we didn't go. Yeah, he gave us comps.

Oh, yeah. No, you guys missed out. You guys missed out. That was front row center on that one And that was a matinee I went to a matinee and it was really good It's hard to have that energy during a matinee It was just awesome

Can we check in with Jennifer I just want to see how she's doing How do I control this thing Oh my god Okay alright everyone Stay calm she's doing. Ah! How do I control this thing? Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Everyone, stay calm. Stay calm.

Ah! Oh, asked and answered. Great. Look, you all have had a whole year, a whole year of these things that you're trying to correct in one night. And this point system, it's hard to crack. It's like trying to get, you know, you're trying to bring your grade up from a D to an A with one test. It's just not going to happen. And, you know, basically everything that you're trying to do tonight, including tying me up in this chair and convincing me otherwise, is all for the sake of self-satisfaction. You're not even doing it for the right reasons. So, you know, maybe if you go out from here onward to fix things

and to make things right, maybe it'll change things around, but chances are it's probably not going to happen. Oh, man, I wasn't listening to a single thing he said. His voice is so nice. It's so nice. It makes me want to buy a Ford truck. Yeah, I get that a lot. Beef, we got to do things

out of the goodness of our heart and not to get credit or anything. So we got to agree. We got to agree right now. I pull my three friends over to the side and I wink at them. We got to agree right now that we don't even want the gifts, right?

We don't even, even if we're super good, we don't even want the gifts right we don't even even if we're super good we don't even want the gifts right yeah you know what this really made me reflect i did not put enough good into the world this year i am not doing this for a bike. No, sir. I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Chalice, roll for performance. Nat 20. Are you serious? Call, y'all. I was on your side the whole time.

I love that. That was better emotion than I had seen in that one man performance of Into the Woods out of this whole year and I can't believe you did I mean it makes sense that you didn't want that tandem bicycle you can't even ride a single person bicycle so it makes a lot

of sense wait what wait what you're just gonna put that all on me to take you around i was just gonna be your chauffeur people weren't gonna notice because it was gonna be two of us on a bike that was the whole point sam all right i do think beef had the right idea though and i think we gotta aim some of our goodness tonight at mr dr pibb i think that only makes sense i'm going back to the hospital i don't know man i think your picture's up at the hospital i won't let you back in buddy you know i actually heard that um mr pibb and his

wife have been having some marital issues. So maybe we can... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at that. I'm so sorry. No, no, no. No, no, no. That was points to Chalice. Points to Chalice for the laugh.

I don't know why I laughed at that. Perhaps we can help him rekindle his love without him even knowing that we had anything to do with it to show that out of the goodness of our heart, we're trying to help, you know? Mr. Todd, would that get us some points? No, we're not trying to. We don't want anything, right?

Oh, sorry. The black was asking me. It's definitely going to hurt that. But thankfully, due to Chalice's moving performance, I'm still convinced this is all for the sake of nothing. While you're driving over to Dr. Pibbs, we're going to check in with Jennifer. Ugh!

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Children! Feast your eyes! Dad, I'm scared. We'll cut back to you guys. We're just arriving just outside Dr. Pibb's's house and from the snowy street you can see some warm light just the embers of a dying fire that dr pibb is sitting in front of in his armchair kind of poking aimlessly with a stick trying to get the fire to catch again and you're

seeing this just outside his window that's a little bit fogged up and a little bit covered in soot. And you're kind of peering through watching him. Let's burn down the house. Seb, did you just say let's burn down the house? It's just the first thing that came to my mind. Me too. Do we have to be nice to this guy?

Yes. Also, you guys brought Tinsel todd along too right yeah we you can see behind us there is two little paths of snow where we were dragging the chair that he is still attached to yeah somewhere along the way though the chair tipped over and i've just been dragging on myself and gathering snow no yeah just covered in snow thankfully this is all in an effort to see you do a selfless action that's why i'm not complaining at the moment but boy is the sight of my face numb oh look on the mattress beside him there's a little piece of paper that says reserved for wife probably very similar to what was at his show it was probably reserved for that says reserved for wife probably very similar to uh what was at his show

it was probably reserved for chip and reserved for seb and all of us do you have a clip of that in your in your pocket yeah let me just uh if you all it's a lot harder now on the snow just laying here but here we go oh here we go projector. And, oh, I got nowhere to project. I'm going to project this under the snow. And here's that clip. And it's just a real sad, melancholy moment. Dr. Pip is absolutely crushing it. And then he smiles and he looks over at the four empty chairs. Zooms in on the notes and it just says,

reserved for best friends. Oh, God. You can see somebody sitting next to all of these empty seats. They make an observation and then it cuts to a black and white title screen saying, this is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Oh, my God. Oh, no. So that's it.

That's that clip. I'm sure that this brings you all a lot of sadness. Excuse me. Is there someone out there sounds like people are speaking at full volume just outside my window you guys are on your own Outside carolers, outside your house. And we are singing and spreading some joy. They don't realize that caroling is like a bunch of negative points on this. So anxiety inducing for any house where carolers congregate near.

Dr. Pibb opens his front door. Who dares carol at my... Oh, wait. You guys? It's us, your best friends. Chalice, your teeth are bleeding. It's your best friend. Oh, my goodness.

Well, come on in. Come on in. Make yourself warm by that. Well, it's not much of a fire, but come make yourself warm by it. I guess we're going inside. I guess we're kind of stuck. You guys forget something? Oh, sorry.

Yep, sorry. Sorry. And we dropped you again on the side of your face. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Hey, Mr. Pibb. Merry wintertide. Where's your wife?

You probably noticed that she's not sitting on her spot on the bed that I reserve for her. To be honest, it's because our son is pretty sick. At the hospital? Yeah. I gotta go. He was ravaged by a wolf. He was actually just in there for a run-of-the-mill cold.

No. This is my bad. Samba? He's stable. He's stable now, but barely. It's really putting a strain on the family finances, especially since it became public knowledge after you guys exposed it. And rightfully so, that I'm not really a doctor.

So times are tough in the Pibb household. Oh, man. Yeah, but I don't mean to bring it down with this wintertide sadness. You got that wintertide, wintertide sadness. Yes. Chip looks over at Tinsel Todd, fully realizing in this moment that they absolutely deserve to be on the bad list. This is like the first real moment. Chip, Chip, are we?

What's up? And hear me out. Are we bad people? Maybe. I mean, we're here trying to help. What's up? And hear me out. Are we bad people, maybe? I mean, we're here trying to help. But yes, absolutely. We deserve piss. We give piss and we deserve piss.

You know, this seems too hard to fix. Should we go somewhere else? I mean, just give up. In that moment, Beef walks up to Mr. Pibb and he gives him a hug i'm really sorry okay did that do anything if they all turn and look at pencil todd to see if that did anything we're done here right i look at my magic parchment and points start growing yes they start going up and up oh my gosh this this selfless act this true sorry that that they've earned that they've made towards dr pibb it's doing it it's raising their oh there you go it stopped it stopped there's no oh dang oh wow that was that was looking great though that was a fantastic effort, though.

Damn. But you all did it for a selfless act. You weren't doing it for gifts, you know? So look on the bright side. Oh, yeah. And I'm glad that you guys got some points or whatever. And pardon me, Tinsel Todd, a big fan, big fan. Yep.

But, you know, things are still pretty rough for the Bibb household. And apologies, nice beef, but I don't know if that really changed as much for me and mine. Can we go to the hospital and heal his kid? Yeah. You guys arrive to the hospital. It's kind of this stone labyrinth of different rooms with different healers and medical professionals dispersing different potions and elixirs and different remedies and different magics to help people get back on their feet. But of course, all this costs gold and a lot of it. We all know that Fraserasier has a really horrible

healthcare system and that's maybe not going to get solved today. Why are you laughing? It's a serious problem. You gotta laugh through it. That's a good point. And as you move through this labyrinth you finally find the

room that Dr. Pibb's son and his wife are in. And there's only one candle in the room. And they're kind of huddled together for warmth. And they're waiting to be seen by a doctor. But with what they can afford, it's probably not even going to happen tonight. Might not even happen for months and by then it might be too late oh my god and seb you cost this we don't know that for certain there's a lot of wolves coming into the hospital all right there's there may be one other that day

you know i think we actually have a clip do Do we have a clip? We got a clip here. I didn't want to share it. You know what? Let's let Seb off the hook here. We all were bad this year. I'm not proud of how any of us were this year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think there's people talking at full volume just outside the room. Sorry, I think there's people talking at full volume just outside the room. Winterside, wintertime, singing a song. You guys got to stop. We lost points. We lost points from that. We got to stop.

Active losing points. Hi, honey. You brought your friends, your best friends. Oh, Dr. Pip came with us? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I see you brought your friends, your best friends. Oh, Dr. Pip came with us? Yeah, I think so, yeah. I see you brought your friends, your best friends. Oh, God. I wish we could give you a proper wintertide greeting,

but we're having kind of a tough time here. I'm so sorry, everyone. We actually came here to give you a gift, actually. Chalice wanted to give you her bike. What? F*** no no here we go i think this

is a great idea so i'm actually gonna pull it from this magic sack that i've brought along with me while kidnapped i'm gonna pull out a tandem bicycle now this is just i could just you know manifest anything in this sack this wasn't particularly for you chalice but now i'm going to use it for the purpose of giving to this little one right here tandem bicycle if you guys could hand this to them i'm still tied up yeah here you go chalice chalice you're the one that has to pass it over i think she's muttering a curse you're walking so slow. Goodness of your heart.

Chalice like leans down and rings the little bell on it and just sorts like a little kid touching a toy that's not theirs. Just like. Well, Chalice, you could ride it over to him. Shut up, Chip. You know I can't ride a bike. Never learned how to ride a bike in a castle. Wow. Mom. Tinsel Todd's here.

Is that bike for me? Yeah, it is. And Chalice is like coming around. And now that she's seen the kids' reaction, she feels like 100% behind this choice. Wow. And it has a bell and everything. Yeah, it's a tandem bike. so you can ride with your friend.

If you don't know how to ride a bike, they'll do all the work. Dad, would you ride this bike with me? Of course I would. Wow, that's so nice, Chalice. And Seb brought you a leather jacket. Oh, it's not even his size. Oh, my God. Wow. No, no, no. I pull it out of the sack and it is exactly not even his size. Oh my god. I pull it out of the sack and

it is exactly the kid's size. I can't use this. This actually just got really easy. Alright, here you go. Alright. That didn't seem hard for you, so this gift doesn't feel as nice. And also, these gifts are great

and so thoughtful, especially during this difficult time. But there was just like one thing I was really hoping to get above all else. A painting of my girlfriend. Please don't say a string. Please don't say a string. It's a string. Oh.

Well, well, well, well, well. Doesn't feel good, does it, Beef? No, it does. No, it does. It does feel good. I don't care. All right, Beef roll for deception. That was unhinged.

Oh, God. Beef's going binge. 20. No way. Oh, no. Beef is so happy. This is perfect. I can't believe it.

This is great. Beef, if you reach into my sack, you will see the perfect string for tying things up, loose things, and this is exactly what's meant for that little kid. Okay. Oh, you can do this, Beef. You can do this, big boy Beef. Hey, kid. Yeah?

Be cool with this string, all right? You can have a lot of power with it, all right? Yeah. Well, it's not just any string to me. I'm going to use this string to tie up little hoagies. Huh. That's a funny name. Who is she?

No. Beef. That's a type of sandwich, Beef. Beef, you know this. Oh. Oh, my God. You're like a cut from the same cloth, my dude. And he gives him a little noogie.

Ouch, I have a huge wolf bite there. Sorry, man. Stop looking at me, everyone. Just stop. Here's a string. Chip starts to assess how much the little kid looks like beef and then looking at beef and the mom and saying if maybe that could have

happened let's not open that can of worms on wintertime yeah that's that one on easter well rule of fours is there any other gifts that still need to be given slow turn to chip oh you said you didn't want the painting i offered it earlier do you so you want a painting of a random lady from a different city come on chip that you know that doesn't exist what the painting doesn't exist no why not nobody can nobody can paint what's not there but hey i do I do think that I am hearing, yes, I am, the tippy-tip-tap of my magic tap shoes coming down the hallway now. Jennifer?

And you do hear the tippy-tap of the tap shoes doing, like, really precise, percussive notes as they come on down the hall. And then as they turn the corner of the doorway, you see that the shoes are dancing themselves and tapping. And Jennifer's unconscious body is just kind of attached to them and being dragged along into the room. Oh, Todd. Oh.

You know what, Todd? I'm really sorry we did this to you. If someone kidnapped me when I was at work doing my job, I would probably be pretty upset. I don't know what we were thinking. We're selfish people. We're all pretty bad. Hold your horses there, Chalice.

Because actually, when I look back on the whole night, you've given us so much. You went out selflessly to give a gift to this lovely family that absolutely earned their way onto the good list, unlike all of you. You had Jennifer go around and deliver a gift, giving me a night off to be dragged around through the snow. But still, it was pretty fun. And then also, my feet feel fantastic. I didn't know that those magic shoes were doing so much damage. And they have an amazing pedicure, courtesy of Beef here. You're welcome.

Quite honestly, you have nothing to apologize for. I've had a wonderful night. And I'm untying you. Oh, yeah, let's untie him. And then he gets untied and he puts back on his magic shoes and does a magic little dance. Once Todd does that tapping and he's got his shoes back, some golden sparkles fill the air and kind

of create this holiday vortex around the family. And the little boy kind of gets lifted off the hospital bed into the air and he starts screaming how painful it is. And they're all screaming too. Tinsel Todd starts chanting dark dark it's so gruesome may it be a gruesome winter tide for us all

but you can tell even in that moment it is painful but it does fully heal the child that's right I can do that and in that moment while you're all heal the child. That's right. I can do that. And in that moment, while you're all screaming, when you open your eyes, you're all back tucked into the bed

in Bottoms Up across from the fireplace as Tinsel Todd prepares to shuffle out the door. It was all just a dream. Nope. No, he's right there. Nope. Nope. No, he's right there. Nope. He's here. Wrong.

Oh. Oh. That was perfect. Nope. Tinsel Todd, before you go, can you dance for the boys and can we get kisses on the foreheads? Absolutely. Absolutely. I usually, you know, charge for this this but i'll go ahead and do this pro bono so i do a little tippity tippy tap oh winter tide is here give a little cheer

it's the cheeriest busiest and oh so pissiest time of the year t Tippity-tap. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Yay! I don't know about you guys, that gave me a pro bono. Jennifer. Jennifer. What? I'm drunk. Tinsel Todd,

we'll do better this year, we promise. Right, everybody? Well, if we're bad, can we do this again? You know, Jennifer, you've got a long way to go after that pro bono joke.

But I believe in all of you for this upcoming year. This has been the best winter tight ever. I'm going to volunteer more next year. Nope. I'm going to volunteer. No. No. No.

Promise me you will not. No, we don't need that. Terrible. I can only perform one curing spell every year. curing spell every year. Can the gang go out to the front door and wave to Tinsel Todd as he Tinsel Todd's

away into the sky? Yeah, so Tinsel Todd has his tradition. He kicks in the door and he jumps out the window, so he breaks the window on the way out and then goes up to the roof and as you guys go out to the street outside of Bottoms Up, you look up and you see

Tinsel Todd and his posse of dwarves as they start to rise into the sky. So long everyone and remember Bottoms Up would be a really cool name for a gay ball. Happy winter tideide, everybody.

Are anybody else's shoes filled with piss still? Yep. Yeah. To the brim. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Bansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parr wrote the theme song, Aaron Keefe and I came up with the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were, of course, joined by the wickedly talented Thomas Sanders.

You can follow him on Instagram at Thomas Sanders. But you probably already do, since he is the current reigning king of the internet and rightfully so and in particular if they're interested we have our own dnd homebrew adventure that we have on our youtube channel called role slaying with roman with scene redraws animation scene recreations if anybody's interested in this they probably would have some fun with that series. If you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd. That's sitcom and then the letters D-N-D. Also, we did it!

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and get access to over 40 hours of content instantly, including the newly released Lost One Shot. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rants. This week's episode is Bad Sitcom Improv Part 3, where we explore some of history's least well-received sitcoms and then do our version of an episode via improv.

So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. Also, if you're in the L.A. area and want to see me, Aaron, Waleed, and Elizabeth in a holiday live show, now's your chance. The Chillaxmas special is on December 14th at 7 p.m. at the Yard Theater. Tickets are $8 online or $10 at the door. It'll be a mix of improv, sketch, and a guaranteed good time. Ticket link in bio.

Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always always for listening.