SitcomD&D - S2 E19: Shypnotized

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

The gang finds a solution to Seb's stress as he anguishes over his officiating duties for the upcoming wedding. Unfortunately, when some characters resurface from Seb's past, his lack of stress leads to even more trouble. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by Ben Briggs & Sean Coyle Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You know, I can't believe I'm the single one of the group. I can't believe that either. Why can't you? Why was there such a sentence? We thought you were still talking. We thought that your sentence wasn't done. What the hell?

Elizabeth let me, when we hung out on Saturday, swipe for her on her dating profile. And I think I picked out some good people for you. Did I not, Elizabeth? We'll leave it at that. One guy talked to me, but I haven't talked to him. Elizabeth, you promised. You know what?

Yeah, it is surprising. Thank you, Waleed. Whoa. I haven't even thought about that, really. That is a surprise, actually. Are you all surprised? Oh, Aaron just found out. Aaron just found out.

Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up inside Bottoms Up, where Seb is looking a little worse for wear, looking like maybe he hasn't slept in God knows how long. He's run ragged. He's pacing the bar and kind of muttering to himself, maybe practicing some sort of speech, rehearsing something.

And he's missing a lot of a lot of the duties that his job requires. So you guys, as friends and as co-workers might want to check in. And that's what we're going to pick up. So quiet on set. Sound is speeding. And we're rolling. Dice!

Good note, Elizabeth. Thank you. And you're single? I am! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end

So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

All right, guys, why do we think Mr. Stressed is stressed today? Oh, it could be a million reasons. Yeah, it could be freaking anything. Probably maybe his pants are too big today. He finally looked in the mirror. And I bet that his little tummy hurts. Who wants to take a bet with me? Oh, my God, did someone say bet?

Holy f***. Yes, yes, whatever it is. Oh, my God. Oh, never mind. Yeah, you kind of just sucked all the fun out of that. No, I need this. I need this. Yeah, that's why it's not fun. Yeah, that's why.

Shouldn't you guys all be f***ing working or something? Whoa. Whoa. Okay. Hey, buddy, are you okay? And Beef brings him like a carrot like he's a horse. Buddy, whoa. I start stamping my little feet

like I'm an unsettled pony. Chip takes out a brush and starts brushing him. Hey, Sebby, okay? Chalice jumps on his back with an un-piggy back and just starts brushing the top of his head. Hey, hey. Hey, Sebby baby.

Hey, you all. I'm just really stressed because we got, you know, the wedding is coming up and I'm supposed to officiate the thing and... Wait, skirt. What'd you say? I'm officiating the wedding. It was established long ago. What?

Yeah, like 10 episodes ago. What? No one told me. That's canon? That whole episode is canon. Why is that a prank when I get to do something around here, huh? Why is that a prank? Yeah, he's my best friend.

Of course he's officiating the wedding. Are you kidding? Best friend? But didn't you already also ask him to be in the wedding party? So he's doing double duty or something? Yeah. That's impossible to do double duty at a wedding. You can't be two places at once like this.

It's just impossible. He either has to stand. Where's he going to stand? Two places at once? Okay, then I'm ring bearer. I'm ring bearer too. No, I'm flower woman. Can I practice what I have for the ceremony or is that stepping on too many toes with you all?

Yes. I love that. Kels, you want this spoiled for you? Yes. Hit me with it. I'm ready. Hello and welcome. We are here to see the matrimony of Jalpert and Chow. Hold on. Maybe I should clear my throat.

Is this part of it? Coughs a third time into a hanky. Looks like there was a frog in my throat, shows Toy Frog, pauses for six minutes of applause. Should have used a real frog. Six minutes. We have Jalbert and Chalice here, both nice, but one I like a lot more than the other. Pause for six minutes of applause.

What the? Seb, you've sweat through your clothes. Everyone take cover. Oh, I've been eating nothing but popcorn. I thought popcorn would settle my stomach. Oh, there's so much popcorn for my stomach all over the place. Oh, and a real frog did come out of you. What the? Did you swallow a real frog and decide

to use a toy one? Yes. Because you couldn't get the real one out of your stomach? But it's alive. It's hopping away. That was days ago. I'm gonna name you Hoppy. You're my new friend. And Beef puts a little leash around him. Wow.

Beef immediately got attached to Seb's stomach frog. Whoa, Seb, you are way too stressed. You are freaking me out. I'm the one who's supposed to be stressed. You are beyond the beyond. Oh, that throw up was not part of the script because the cough was part of the script. So I didn't know if the throw up was also...

No, throw up was not part of the script. Hey, Seb, be right back. We're just going to go to this side of the script hey seb be right back we're just gonna go to this side of the bar to talk just the three of us i wish there was a term for that oh it looks like there's butterflies in my stomach show butterflies how many animals has he swallowed he's dead in the water i hate seeing him like this chip what, what should we do? We got to do something. I mean, we just got to calm him down, I guess. Remember, no massages. How about, I don't know, we take him on like a day trip? Just take him away from this, you know?

Let him go fishing. He's been talking a lot about fishing this season, I've noticed. We don't have time for that. Listen, I have an idea, okay? Can you guys hear me up there? Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes you act like you can't. Oh, today is not

about you, Jennifer. Okay, okay, okay. But listen, I do have an idea. A guy came in the other day and handed me this card. His name is Dr. Alec Kazam. Alright? And he's a hypnotist. He can hypnotize Seb so he's not you know so worried or like scared about this and then i'm sure seb would do a great job oh okay he just said you

gotta rub this card like super hard and then he'll like he'll know and then he'll come rub it on what with what beef you're moving the card closer and closer to your crotch. I mean, just give it a try. Why not? How many? 30? Usually the magic number. I thought you said just rub it hard.

It's kind of the only instructions. I'm already a little weary about this character. But, I mean, anything to help Seb. Okay. And maybe we could take advantage of this guy's services you know if any of us got any things that we're stressed out about or scared of you know

let's throw our hat into the ring as well Chalice grabs the card and rubs it against her crotch as Chalice rubs the card on her crotch the front door bursts open and Dr. Alec Kazam walks in and he goes, you rubbed, I felt it, and I came.

And he's wearing brown business robes and carrying a briefcase. He wears spectacles with circular lenses, has a hawkish nose, and sports an impeccably waxed mustache, which he styles into two thin, upward-pointing curves. Chalice. I think I was right to be wary of this character. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Hello.

I am Dr. Alec Kazam, magician, hypnotist, and doula. Ooh, what kind of magic? I'll sing together for those in the back. Dr. Alec Kazam, magician. He pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve and hands it to Chip. Oh! Hypnotist. He takes out a pocket watch and kind of rocks it back and forth.

Ooh. And Doula. Push! Push! You've got this! And he's screaming as one of the kitchen rats gives birth on the bar floor right next to him. He picks up the newborn baby rat, bundles it up, and hands it to the mother. It's a boy. Congratulations.

Ooh. Wow. Where were we? You have someone you need to be hypnotized? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's why chalice rubbed this on her crotch yeah we have a friend that could use a little less stress in their life and you know we might partake in your services as well if that's an option i'm guessing it's the gentleman

who just broke a glass in his hand not Not today, Mr. Pibb! Not today! Get out of here! I can't do this! Just ask for a glass of water. Uh, yeah, that's him. That's our guy. Uh, do you think you can help him?

Most definitely. For a price. Uh, shoot. Three gold pieces. Well, we have it, but we don't really want to use ours. Chalice goes over to Seb and pickpockets him and takes three gold coin out of his wallet. Chalice, roll for sleight of hand. Ooh, 17.

Nice job. Thanks. Like a teenager stealing from his mommy. And do you hand it over? over yeah and then i hand it over excellent okay now come hither child come here let the doctor take a look at you are you talking to me yes yes come here come here yeah no so i i i swallowed one frog and i threw that frog back up but i just threw up another frog. I think they're reproducing inside of me.

I'm sorry. Who are you? He's a doula. And hypnotist and magician. Oh, do the magic thing again. Do something else. He pulls a coin out of behind Chip's ear. Oh, yeah.

Beef screams in terror because he hates magic. He's really afraid of magic. Beef, you know spells. No, no, no, no, no. Scary. Scary stuff. So my magical powers and your friends have alluded that there's a big event coming up for you. Is that correct?

Yeah, no, that is correct. I am officiating a wedding for my BF. event coming up for you. Is that correct? Yeah, no, that is correct. I'm officiating a wedding for my BF Chalice over here. Incredible. Love is in the air. You two getting married, I presume? Oh, no. Not me. No, no, no. We are not getting

married. No, and I wasn't pointing at either of you. Big man. Huh? And this one? The server Us I'm sorry Do I not look like a taken man Sir I have a girlfriend And she's real

Yeah and he is He's nice Right Holy hell what did we just see Looks like I have my work cut out for me We might have to do Right. Holy hell, what did we just see happen? Looks like I have my work cut out for me. We might have to do a bit more work than I thought, but that is okay. For the mystic powers of the eternal run deep in my veins.

But let's start with you. It sounds like you, friend, have a big event coming up. And don't love public speaking, well, fear not. For fear is the thing that I will remove from your being and your mind. You will fear nothing at all. Nothing will frighten you. Nothing will intimidate you.

And nothing will affect you in that sort of way. All you need do is stare into my pocket watch as I dangle it back and forth in front of you. Okay. I don't see anything adverse that could come of this. So yeah, go ahead. Getting very sleepy. Chip's head pops up behind Seb and also tries to watch the pocket watch.

No, no, no. Get out of here. I'll do magic for you later. He kind of like shuffles Chip out of the way. Oh, darn. You will feel no fear. I will feel no fear. You will not be affected

by anything that seems scary or too difficult. be affected by anything that seems scary or too difficult. I will not be affected by anything that is scary or too difficult. Close enough. I made that one hard. Okay, sorry. On accident.

And then, how about you guys? Do you want to throw anything in for fun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will always be oh god someone else go i can't think of anything make him balk like a chicken every time i snap my fingers every time this guy snaps his fingers you'll'll bark like a chicken. Yes. Once an hour, he tells me that I look great

and I'm doing great. Once an hour, you'll lie and say that this one looks great and is doing great. And I'm wrapping it up and you're coming out of the dress. Beef! beef, beef, beef.

If you, oh God. He gets horny anytime he sees a doorframe. Oh, thank God. That's almost all the time. Oh my. You'll get horny anytime you see a doorframe. Oh, I love doorframes. And you're coming back to reality.

Hey, Seb. He will be none the wiser, so let's maybe keep this between us just for now. Seb, are you feeling scared about anything, worried about anything at all? No, I don't give a s***. Incredible. Ooh! Oh my god. I want to talk to the rest of the group.

Let me talk to you on the side by the bar here. Damn, I wish there was a word for that. I was just saying the same thing. Now, it's very important that you know this is kind of a dangerous thing to not fear anything and not be worried about anything. If he seems to be getting himself in any trouble, you need only say the magic word

and it will snap him out of this hypnotic state. What's the magic word? Ah, a great question. The magic word is... And a dagger appears in his throat. How do you spell that? Cheeks! I said the same thing at the same time.

What? Huh? His fingers up pointed like he's about to say a word, but that dagger's in his throat. He falls backwards dead before he even hits the floor. Thud. Is that a doula thing? What is this?

Dr. Kazam? Gotta be a doula thing. Everyone's panicked, but roll for perception for me. 15. Chalice, you notice that everyone's panicked from the gang, except, of course, for Seb, who looks calm as a cucumber. And you notice, along with everyone else, that a lot of people have just entered the bar,

and when you turn around, you see that it's a bunch of pirates. Scallywugs, to be specific. Oh, no. These are frog-like humanoids that are wearing pirate swag, and one of them looks like a dagger just left its hand. Hey, what's going on? Oh, my God! No, Sam! Sam, no. Hey, what's going on? Oh my God!

No, Sam! Sam, no! Sam, why did you break it down? Sam! Look how busy we are. We're out of code red. We're out of code red. Get the duffel bags.

Get the duffel bags. It's a code red. We're out of here. We gotta leave. Don't you move a muscle. When you rolled for perception, you noticed that you are surrounded. There is about 50 pirates now that just have shuffled into bottoms up. Half of them are equipped with crossbows or throwing knives or something to that effect. And there is not a chance you could escape or fight back based on what you're seeing.

You know that to be true. You could try, but you would die. I look at the room surrounded by these toad pirates, and then I look over at Beef, who is still holding a toad on a leash, and I go... Oh, no. Beef, let it go.

Beef dropped the leash. It's my guy. It's my guy. Beef, let it go. It's offensive. Beef, let it go. It's offensive. Beef.

Oh, the little one's got a frog on a leash. Nope, too late. Oh, you think it's funny putting things on leashes, huh? All right. No, sir. No, sir. I just was worried it would run into traffic and get run over by a car. They swarm you.

They all grab you and put leashes on all of you. No. We should have fought back even if it meant certain death. And as you say that, Chalice, you feel the butt of a dagger, so not the sharp end, hit you in the back of the head, and everything goes dark. No. And that's the same for all of you.

That's what Chalice says when she gets hit in the back of the head. Oh, no. No. Come on. Oh, no. No. No. Come on. What the? Come on. And Jennifer

donked herself on the head and then jumped in Chip's pocket just to kind of be a part of it. So successful. Aw. Sitcom D&D

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That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So Chalice, you're the first to rise, and you kind of open your eyes. Everything's kind of blurry, and then things start to come into focus. And you realize that you are now tied, standing up, to the main mast, the center mast of a pirate ship, out in the water. When you try to look left and right as far as you can, you don't see any land in sight. But what you do see to your left and right are the rest of the gang. Beef, Chip, and Seb are also tied to the same mast

with thick sailing rope. And surrounding you still is a bunch of rowdy scullywugs, the pirate frog gang. Can I check to see if I can get out? How would you want to try to get out? Like sort of using my flexibility to get out, like contort to try to pull enough out so I can untie myself? Yeah, roll for dexterity.

19. Ooh. So you are able to wiggle enough. These are really tightly tied using some very fancy sailor knots. But you are able to get control of one of your arms. So the knot and where it's actually like you're being tied to the actual mask itself Isn't something you would even be able to reach with your arm right now But unbeknownst to anyone else looking at you

You could use your arm at any point now Chip Huh? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Shut up! Hey, shut up! Shut up! God, who is that? Turn off five more minutes, mom. Shh. All right.

Where are we? What's going on? We're at a pirate ship. It's a lovely day, but that doesn't fix it. It's a beautiful day. It's so beautiful out. Can you believe it? Look at the color of the clouds.

Why were we inside? We got to get out more, man. We spend way too much time inside. I agree. Anyways. But anyway. We gotta get the hell out of here, man. We could die today. I elbow beef in the head. Hey, man, what's the big idea? Five more minutes.

I'm sleeping here. No, we're on a pirate ship. It's a beautiful day, but wake up, Seb. Oh, my God. Clear skies. Clear skies. Wake up. Yeah, I know, it's beautiful. We gotta spend more time. We gotta do more picnics, but wake up, Seb. Okay, and I tickle Seb.

Hey, what's going on? God, that was really unsettling. Hi. His eyes opened up. They're waking up. They're waking up. Get the cop in. Get the cop in.

There's like a mad commotion as all the scullywugs who were going about their ship duties, pulling sails and tacking and doing all the pirate stuff, swabbing the deck, suddenly start scurrying around and going to get the captain. And after a brief moment, the entire deck and the crew part to reveal the captain wearing an enormous hat. A very, very big hat.

And the hat tips up and the captain goes, Hello, Seb. Remember me? Oh my gosh. Captain Dreaded. Or maybe you remember me better as Benjamin. I remember you as both, yep. Yeah, I was just a wee tadpole the last time you met. Killed everyone that I had met that summer and left me to die.

Yeah, no, I remember. Well, I remember. Well, I've got you now. And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Not only am I going to kill you, but I'm gonna break you.

I'm gonna break you, Seb. They sound like they have a past. Yeah. He sounds really good, though. He sounds really good. though. He sounds really good. Whoever made that voice. What do you mean? It's his voice. Yeah, it is.

I'm just saying, if he inherited it, it's really nice. Oh, yeah, from like a parent or something. I get what you mean. Yeah, something like that. Or a talented improviser, as you were. Boo. Wait, what are you going to do, sir? I am going to break Seb.

I'm going to make him beg for death before I give it to him. So can we leave? How about you untie us and we have a nice conversation like a civil grown-ups, huh? I would consider that, except for I was told you had a little frog on a leash when we found you. Okay, that was totally a... That was for a laugh, and

for the frog's own protection. Well, look who's laughing now, boys! And they all start... Sounds like they're coughing. So, you guys can watch while we torture your friend Seb here. Sounds good. Just as long as we're done by five, I want to try barbecue for the first time tonight.

I think barbecue sounds really good for dinner tonight. Oh, we could do it outside. We can do it because it's so nice out. Not the point. Not the point. Listen, everybody, listen to me. We have to snap Seb out of it, or otherwise we'll never survive. Snap. Not the point. Not the point. Listen, everybody, listen to me. We have to snap, step out of it,

or otherwise, we'll never survive. Snap. You're right. Honk. Not helpful. I don't know if this is helpful. That hypnotist

wasn't very, wasn't super accurate. Yeah, he honked like a goose instead of barking like a chicken. So pretty close. So pretty close, though.

Dang, I don't think that did what you were trying to do. I'm sorry, Chalice. That was... Pillow. Pizza. Ambulance. Guitar. Oh, we gotta come up with a word. Snot. Thing. Women. Chip is cool. The way that this is gonna work is that

when you guess a word, we'll play the hot and cold game. And Seb or Ben will let you know whether you're hot or cold based on what you guys see, which is if he looks more worried, that means that Seb is coming back. And if he looks relaxed, it means, you know, it's cold and he's not coming back. So Ben will say worried if you guys are warmer and relaxed if you're cold. Okay. But while you're guessing those words,

what would you say most of those were relaxed, would you say? Oh, yeah. I'm having a pina colada in my eyes. No! So while you were guessing those words, Captain Dreaded unties just Seb and the crew grabs Seb and takes him over to a rack and ties his arms and his legs to individual ropes. And they string him up so that he's suspended in the air, ready to be tortured. Nice.

What do you guys sound like? Your leader sounds so cool. What do you all sound like? Seb, fight back. Do something, man. Please. Gorgonzola. Relax.

Relax. I am laying on the couch. Seb, fight back. Money, money, money. Relax. Seems kind of weird that you guys would want me to not be relaxed when I'm obviously about to be tortured that's fair actually

yeah we want you nice and comfortable and to answer your question the captain sounds like and we all the rest of us sound like this okay savvy yeah no that's savvy or whatever that means and we all, the rest of us, sound like this. Okay.

Savvy. Yeah, no, that's savvy or whatever that means. Now, let's make sure you're nice and comfortable as we start to give you a little stretch. Jennifer. Jennifer. Why? Five more minutes. No, not five more minutes.

Get up. It's a beautiful day. Eat some rope. God, it is. I know, I know. God, we need to get out more. Yeah, we're going to go to a barbecue after this. But in order to go to a barbecue, you got to chew the rope and free us.

I got to barbecue. Okay, sure. I don't care. We got to get out more. This is fun. Okay, eat the ropes. Holy shit, we're on a ship. Holy shit, we're on a ship. Holy shit, we're on a ship.

Yeah, okay, I'll start chewing. Velvet. Oh, I'm having a slice of cake. I'm putting my feet up, and I'm hanging out on the hammock. That is right. Is it a verb? No. Okay, that's helpful.

I'm going to roll here to see what the rack and the stretching of those ropes and pulling your limbs in all those different directions, how much that hurts you here. It only did two damage. I get stretched a little bit, and I immediately let out a big old fart. I can't wait to hear what that sounds like in post. Immediately, Captain Dreaded goes, He's not breaking!

Peel off his fingernails! And they grab your hands. Do they bite him off? And they start to bite off Seb's fingernails. Seb, pretend to be upset and they'll stop. Give me the Beach Boys to free my soul. Oh, my God. Give me the Beach Boys.

He's so relaxed. He's so relaxed he doesn't know the lyrics at all. And he doesn't care. I don't care. I got to admit, this is the most attractive I've ever been to Seb. What is wrong with you? He's dying. He's doing okay.

Look, he's fine. He's singing Beach Boys. This is by the Beach Boys. Sex. What about sex? What about sex? Nope, I'm relaxed. Not a verb.

Well, if you're doing it right, it could be a noun. Ayo! I'm pretty sure it is a noun. It is a noun. It definitely is a noun. Well, if you're doing it right. If you're doing it wrong. I guess I've always been doing it right.

That does six fingernail ripping damage damage to set oh my god this is horrible whoopsie doodly whoopsie doodly no you took everything from me and you will break i will make you break and then they take, tie you to a plank, then start to dip you over the side of the boat underwater, like drowning. And they keep going back longer and longer to keep Seb's head under the water.

Hey, Captain Dreaded? Yes? While you guys are, like, torturing him, can you fill us in on your backstory? I'd be delighted to. My mother, who canonically made me take... What's it called when you put a pill up your butt? An enema?

A suppository? A suppository? Maybe both. Made me take either an enema or suppository. I can't remember. Every night, and then she dropped me off for the summer, and I got inducted into the Skully Rooks. But little did I know, this guy would come looking for a dog and kill everyone. I mean everyone. It was a bloodbath.

I was the only survivor. He left me to die in the water. Rumspringa violence. Yeah, we heard die in the water. Rumspringa violence. Yeah, we heard about this. It's Rumspringa. And I will make him pay. I will break him. He will beg for mercy before death. No, he won't.

Welcome to the Motel of Florida. Oh, no, guys, this is bad. This is really, really bad. That was Kalunky. That did not work. He's usually such a stickler for lyrics that he cares so little right now. He slapped me the other day when I said the wrong lyrics to Katy Perry's Firework. This is bad, guys.

Oh, my God. He did slap you really hard. And that singing's coming in between hard. And that's the thing. He's coming in between him being dunked into the water. And they pull him back up and slam him down on deck. And his back is on the deck now. He's soaking. Seb coughs up some water.

And he just took a D5 of, like, drowning damage, essentially. There is no D5. Oh, I'm sorry. He just took five damage from drowning drowning damage, essentially. There is no D5. Oh, I'm sorry. He just takes five damage from drowning. Oh, he's almost dead. Yeah, we got to do something quick. Oh, there was a throg in my throat. Pause for six minutes of laughs.

We don't have enough time, Seb. Six minutes does go by and it's eerily silent on the ship. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That gives a lot of time for Jennifer to not do this thing. How's she doing? Doing pretty good. Quarter of the way through the first rope.

How many ropes are there? Shh, Jennifer, don't scream it. There's more than one rope? There is one. Carry the one. Looks like there's 15. What are you? Oh, my God.

What, do you want me to chew faster or something? Oh, yeah. Okay. You asked for it. And she starts going to town with way more vigor. Captain Dreaded steps up and is standing now over top Seb. Looks like you don't have too many more breaths left in your body. I got what I got. What's it gonna be? Come on, show me what's next. Let's do it.

Enough games! How about I just kill you? And he unsheathes his cutlass and puts it to Seb's neck. Any last words before I kill you? Maybe you'd like to beg for mercy? Like a plastic bag in the wind. Oh, no, see? That's what it is. That's what it was. No, no, no.

Nothing's getting through to him. What's wrong? I'm scary. Uh-oh. I need to hurt him like you hurt me. Okay, I know. I know. Of course.

Of course I know. You're very okay with getting hurt yourself and potentially dying. But what if I killed your friends in front of you? I don't know, guys, but I could watch this guy for hours. Like, he could do a one-act play, and I'd watch him. Beef, he just said he's going to kill us. Oh, oh my god! Oh, but just killing them would be too easy at this point in front of you.

Maybe we draw it out. Maybe we torture them in front of you. Maybe we start with the rack. That'll probably be pretty painful for the little one, Beef. Come here. You could do that. Or you could show Beef some math. No.

Beef hates math. No. Trigonometry, geometry. Seb, what are you doing? Hey, hold on. Guys, guys, guys. College algebra. Not college algebra.

Not college algebra. Not college algebra. Oh, try it, boys. Try it. And they get out an old dusty book that just says math, but it's spelled wrong on it. No. From the main captain's quarters. And they come out of the door.

Also said, you see that door? And get a little turned on. What's happening in my pants? And they show the book with math problems. They open it up to college algebra in front of Beef. Ouch. Ow, you sick son of a bitches. You bitches.

I'm going to read a word problem. So a train leaves Kyoto at 2 p.m. No! Approximately 300 kilometers. Beef, you take four mental math damage. How does that seem to be affecting you, Seb, watching your friend in so much pain? Can't wait for that barbecue later. That's going to be

soon to see with or without them. Maybe he doesn't care that much about that one. Her! How about her? She turned Seb into a monster.

Please don't be talking about me. Please. She's his best friend. She's his best friend. What the hell, man? Chip, this cannot be a pattern for you.

You literally tried to kill me once. You cannot. This cannot be your thing. I don't even know the guy. They've known each other their whole lives. I'm new. I'm the new here. I'm actually his bully.

I'm his childhood bully. I'm actually on your side. I'm his ex-girlfriend who hates him. Why don't you both roll for persuasion? Whoever rolls higher wins. Oh, my God. I got a one. Because I got a four.

Oh, I can tell he favors this one. Very beautiful indeed. Well, let's see how beautiful you are when we rip off your fingernails. Well, you already did that one. Yeah. Well, I mean did that one. Yeah. Well, I mean... Let's see. What else could you do?

You could cut her damn hair. What? She's getting married. What? Cut her damn hair. Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've been growing my hair out for my wedding

so I could do a specific look. Don't give me like a bowl cut or something. Oh, my God. Why am I giving them ideas? Yeah, bowl cut would work. Make you look like the Beatles. Be like, I'm George and I'm Ringo. I'm still, I've been growing out the bowl cut you gave me since season one.

Early season one, I got a bowl cut. That's canon. And I've been growing it out for my wedding. I said, what are you doing? What are you doing? Speaking of can cannons. And a cannon goes off. Silence! Now, don't worry.

If it doesn't look good at first, we can always cut more. But we can't cut less. And he takes out his cut less and starts sawing at your hair and turns it into a bowl cut very slowly. My hair.

No, Chalice, it looks good. No, don't even say it. It's short and cute. You look like a friend. Chalice, oh, Chalice, your hair. It was your one true beauty. No, you look great. You're going to take five hair damage.

Oh, God. Five bad hair day damage. Thank you for literally not thinking about me. You ruined everything. You really did it. I'm sorry that we made it so your brain thinks nothing is stressful, but I didn't deserve haircut this bad. You beeped too bad.

That's not nice. You're not nice. Wait, wait, wait. I couldn't deserve haircut this bad. You beeped too bad. That's not nice. You're not nice. Wait, wait, wait. I couldn't understand you. Rollerskate. Nope. Yeah, relax. You guys, I think we're done for.

I think we're dead. We're dead. You guys, we're dead. Last but not least, this guy. Boo, boo. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Hey, you've been pretty good at this so far.

How do we torture this guy? Boom, diary. Always has his diary on it. No, I don't. Just read that. Yes, it's, I can see it in your breast pocket. Oh, breast pocket. That's, oh.

He shoots out his tongue. It sticks to the diary in your pocket. And it sucks it right back to himself. So cool. Let's see. Yeah, but just read it to yourself. That's torture. Oh, you reading it to yourself is torture.

Read it. I'm in so much pain. No, just read it out loud. Ow, ow. Roll for deception with disadvantage. And that one is a botched. Okay. I botched. That means just by luck, he turned to is a botched. Okay. I botched.

That means just by luck, he turned to the most embarrassing page. Oh, no. Okay. It's the sixth month and the seventh day. And today, I feel really confident. Dot, dot, dot. No, I don't. I wish I...

God, what I give just to feel like I did 15 years ago. What happened to that man? That young, confident man. That young, sexy adventurer. Now I'm just a beta cuck waiting to die. Beef and Chalice are just staring at each other, being like, oh, this is really bad. It's a joke.

It's a joke. This is worse than my bowl cut and worse than any college algebra problem. Yeah, this is worse than both those things. It's just a joke! It's gonna be a screenplay! Honestly, I gotta stop reading, because this is torturing me. I'm having second-hand embarrassment.

Jesus! And, uh, I rolled a D8, and it's only two. I think that's a critical hit, though, so we're gonna say that that'll be four emotional damage. All right, well, can I have that back? Sure.

I mean, I want nothing to do with this, and I mean nothing. And he, like, reverse slaps it back onto you, sticks to your breast pocket, and slides in. By the way, that sound wasn't added in post. Sean made that sound. That was crazy. Captain Dreaded waddles over to Sab and goes, I've tortured your friends.

I think I'll kill them in front of you. There's no coming back from death. Oh, darn. Okay. You're okay with this? Well, I mean, it'll suck to see him go, but I'm really confident in my ability to make new friends, and yeah, I guess it's about time. No, no, no! This isn't how it's supposed to go!

Oh, I know. I'm not going to kill your friends. You are! He cuts you away from the board, hands you the cutlass, and says, If you don't, we'll kill you immediately. So go, kill your friends. Fast car, bread, boys, big boy boys. Slow down, slow down. Sex. Sex. As he's walking over and he's kind of in that dazed hypnotic state,

so he's taking his time a little bit and kind of feeling the sword and slowly starting to move to start to walk over. We'll go in order and you guys can start guessing. Why don't you guys roll for initiative to see who guesses first. I'm not botched. I got an 18. I got a 12. So it'll go chalice,

chip, beef. Feathers. I'm feeling pretty chill. I'm having a daiquiri. Vacation. I feel like I'm feeling pretty chill. I'm having a daiquiri. Vacation. I feel like I'm on one because I'm relaxed. Yeah. Moist. Ooh, I'm a little, just a tiny, tiny bit stressed.

No way. Okay. Now, I'm going to say you guys have four more rounds of this where this is happening in combat, so each thing happens really quickly as he's slowly moving over. Everyone will get four more guesses, and then Seb's, as it stands now, will start killing people. Piss. Stress, but less stress than before.

Sponge. I'm getting a little more stress, but... Honk! Honk! Not the time. What's that out? Soaked. I'm not getting any more stress than I was before by moist.

Ocean. Oh, my God. Did I leave the oven on back at the bar? Okay, that's good, that's good. I'm stressed. That's great, that's great, that's great.'s good i'm stressed that's great that's great water i'm actually okay i think i actually turned off the oven i think that's uh what i'm sorry lake geneva too specific me oh wait uh too late damn it well i happen to know that yeah i'm pretty

sure let me just do a quick search of it. But I'm pretty sure that actually makes me a little bit more stressed. Oh, geez. Where is Jennifer? I haven't seen her in a hot minute. Yeah, Jennifer, you guess. I've eaten so much rope. You didn't have to swallow it, Jennifer.

Yeah, you didn't have to eat it. Fish. Oh, my have to eat it. Fish. Oh, my f***ing God. That poor little rat is so full with that distended stomach from all that rope. I'm so stressed. Shark. A little less stressed, actually. Damn it.

Come on, Chip. I'm trying here. Boys, they're a band. Swordfish. No, I meant to say bass. Actually, when you say bass, that kind of, ooh, whoa. Trout. Okay, okay, okay.

Now I want everyone to roll for perception after Chip says trout. Five. Botch. 16. Beef, only you see something come over Seb's eyes, okay? All of a sudden, you notice a slight tremble in his hand. The fear has come back. And in his eyes, you see that Seb in full has returned.

First, you see just white-hot panic in his eyes as he's moving towards you. Yeah. And then he makes eye contact with just you and kind of gives, like, a wink. Okay, I guess I still don't care and I want to be done in time for my and a frog jumps out of my mouth and then I slash down. Pufferfish! Pufferfish! Cod! Alaska Pollock! I, in that moment, cut the ropes. Huh?

I knew exactly what was going on the whole time. I see it was Alaskan Pollock. Okay. We don't have time for that. We need to go. The oven is on at the bar. You're right, but who got it? It doesn't matter. It kind of matters to me.

I think I know who made the biggest waves, who was making the biggest moves, and then who was jumping off of that. They are standing in a circle with their arms crossed, you know, like when friends talk after school while they're waiting for their parents to pick them up. They are way too relaxed for the situation. We would have gotten

nowhere without Moist. Yeah, I hear that. Get them! Let's go! And Sean, is there like any sort of lifeboat, a dinghy, something that we could use to escape? A great question. Why don't you roll for perception? Nat 20, baby!

Oh, wow. You see multiple boats that would be options that are hanging off the side of the main boat that are suspended by ropes that you see. If you cut them, they would careen towards the water and land in the water and be ready for an escape. Hey, Jennifer, are you hungry for dessert? Oh, my God. It took her so long. No, it took her so long.

I get out my battle axe. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. You don't like fun. You're so lame. You don't even like fun. Let not. Absolutely not. You don't like fun. You're so lame. You don't even like fun. Let's go, everyone. We got to get to the dinghy.

Okay, so you're all trying to get to the dinghy. Chip, you are trying to cut the rope as everyone jumps in. Everyone else, roll for athletics to jump into the boat. Chip, give me a strength check as well as an athletics check. Eight. Uh-oh athletics check. Eight. Uh-oh. 19. Nine.

23 strength, 17. Did you say dexterity? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. In the chaos of everyone trying to scramble to grab you, Captain Dreaded Benjamin yells, Get them!

Fire! Loose arrows! And arrows are flying everywhere as well. So unfortunately, Beef and Chalice weren't quick enough and are catching an arrow each in the patookas. Classic. There's an arrow in your butt. Chalice, you take seven damage.

Are you unconscious? Yeah, well, I'm four. I have four left. Oh. I'm fine. But that's very Chalice to assume that she's dead. I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead. Chalice, it's in the meaty part of your butt.

Look, we're twinsies. Beef's got such a juicy ass that it only did one damage. That's right, baby. And with a lot of confidence of a young, sexy adventurer, Chip cuts that rope in a clean stroke and all of y'all start careening down towards the water it's about a 20 to 25 foot drop boom you slam onto the water the ropes fall around the dinghy your escape boat and you are off the boat arrows are still flying at you what do you do uh seb who said the

word that unlocked you they're and they're not moving at all they're they're still flying come on you gotta go does it matter jennifer's trying to help row and she's on chips or so she's like putting her shoulder into it but her feet are off the ground 80% of the time. And then she's like dunked underwater and comes back up. Row! Row! And you guys start pushing off towards safety as the ship, because the wind caught

at just the right time, they aren't able to catch you as you are rowing into the wind and are a much lighter vessel. Nice. So we pan across a beautiful beach. We see an empty dinghy washed on this beautiful white sand beach. And as we continue to pan across the beach, you see a little bit of smoke.

Then you see that that smoke's coming from a barbecue, baby. And the gang is kicked back, having a few drinks, and barbecuing with the best of them. Was it trout? It was trout. Yes, okay. Um, hey, Sab. Yeah, what's up?

Can we go on the sandbar, the side of the sandbar? I just want to talk to you just for a second, just you and me, which there's a word for that. Um, during the speech, to you just for a second. Just you and me. I wish there was a word for that. During the speech, can you just be yourself? That's why I asked you. I just wanted the true, authentic Seb experience. Don't stress.

Don't try to be anyone who isn't sweet, Seb. I think I can do that. And, yeah, I'm really sorry about your hair. I'm just kind of staring at it right now. Oh, God, I forgot. Oh, um, we'll get like some extensions or something like that. Uh, but yeah, no, I can be that. I, I was just, I just want to do a good job for you. You're my best friend. Don't tell me. And I just want to do a good job and I want to do good by you. And I just want to, but I guess, like you said, I just got to be myself.

And I think I know what I'm going to say and we can go back to the group or I can tell... Yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll go back. Tell everybody. Hey, I buried my whole body under the sand and it's just my head poking out. Isn't this hilarious? That's so cool. I did all the work. You're saying I buried my...

I did literally all the work. I did it. You just stood there. I love hanging out with my friends. I think I know what I'm going to say. Do you mind if I just kind of run it by you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we have to pause for six minutes? I don't know if I'm going to do that.

Oh. You don't know still? Well, we'll see how this goes. I mean, if it happens naturally, I'm not going to stop it. But yeah. Go for it, dude. As you know, my word, it kind of got me out of that apathetic kind of thing I was in, was trout. Thank you, Chip.

Thank you. And I guess what I want to say during the ceremony is this. A trout is nothing like love. A trout is opportunistic. A trout prefers the cold to places of warmth. Love, however, is not a whim or symptom of opportunity, or at least maybe at first, but that's not what sustains it. Love is sustained and flourishes in a warm place filled with passion and appreciation

between both parties. Love is understanding of your partner. Love is not really being caught by anything, whether it's a worm, whether it's a minnow, whether it's a lure, nine times out of 10, that's not how love is caught. Love is decided on. Love is shared. Love is not a trout. And I hope Jalpert and Chalice, instead of asking you, do you have and hold this other person, yada, yada, and you say, I do, I'm going to ask you this. Are they a trout, or are they your love? And before we get to that, I believe Beef has a reading from Corinthians, which I believe in this world is sort of a vaudeville

who's on first type of situation. Chalice has her arm slung around Beef's head and she's crying and she's blotting her eyes because she's so moved by that. Beef's using Chalice's bowl cut hair to wipe away his tears. Chip is looking at Chalice longingly and then looks back at Seb and... Why is it still happening?

And then she shit me off to a... Doing this voice is literally going to make me throw up. It's like gagging me. I mean, it's not as easy as it looks, you know. Gotta leave it to the professionals. She's easy to look, she knows. Gotta leave her to the professionals. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe,

Blee Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, story concept by Ben Briggs and myself on this one, and Sean Maher did the editing. If you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D&D. Also, we did it! We hit 500 patrons!

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