SitcomD&D - S2 E2: Uncle Sadstone's New Material

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

The crew gets to meet their hero and comedic tour de force, Uncle Sadstone! What's the saying though, "Never meet your comedic tour de forces"? Tune in this week and find out! Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Grace Harper Outro Theme Cover by @HeyItsBertie on Twitter Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Does this happen to you, I guess is the question. When you close your eyes hard, do you hear like a sound? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, you promised you'd stop showing up high for these recordings. Yeah.

You promised. And he promised to me he wouldn't stop showing up. Oh, okay. So if you can answer Waleed's question, send it to sitcomdnd at gmail.com. Yeah, what do you hear when you close your eyes really hard? We're just making everybody blink at their desks at work like a maniac right now. I hope you aren't grimacing.

Yeah, don't. Yeah, don't do that now. If you're driving, please pull over. Please pull over. If you're driving, please pull over. The police officer's like, why did you get pulled over? Why did you get pulled over?

Why did you get pulled over? I don't know. You tell me. Well, officer, I was hearing while I was closing my eyes. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're going to pick up inside Bottoms Up, where the bar is actually pretty busy.

There's plenty of customers at the tables, and there's a definite buzz about the place. Furthermore, you don't really recognize a lot of these people, and you don't really know what brings them in. So we're going to pick up there, quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Yes! Yes! Sound speeding? And we're rolling. Dice! pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes,

but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed mansour as chip ahoy ben briggs as sebastian von hugh grant and sean coyle as everything else sitcom dnd is filmed in front of a fake studio audience hey seb hey seb yeah what's going on what's going on with these people? Who are they? I don't know.

Maybe I should just ask. No, no. Let's keep beef. Come here. Hey, hi. I didn't hear that last part. I'm throttling this man. Why are you here?

Why are you here? I live here. I live here, Seb. It's me. Oh, gosh. That is Chip. So we can actually go with your plan. I did not execute mine. Oh, gosh. Chip, what are all we can actually go with your plan because I did not execute mine.

Chip, what are all these people doing here? I don't know. There's a buzz about the place and not the bee kind like there normally is. There's a buzz about the place. I want to tell you, I served a family of bees earlier. They were sitting over in the booth and they were looking for corn on the cob. And we're not selling that. Beef, is this a long story?

Is this a long story? Yeah. How long is this story? Well, how long? Remember we implemented the rule that when you start a story, you have to tell us how long it's going to be? Well, it's about two lengths of a shake of a hand. And I didn't know what to do with the corn.

Stories are either way too long or way too short. And, Deep, you shake hands way too long, I got to tell you. So long. Well, I'm shaking all of your guys' hands right now. Yeah, we know. And you've been doing it for a while, all right? Well, to anybody curious as what I said to the family of bees? What'd you say to the bees?

I said, we're out of corn on the cob. Not today. And they said, well, we heard that you were selling corn on the cob from Mrs. Hannigan's down the street. And I said. Let go of my hand. I love Mrs. Hannigan. Let go of my hand.

She's the best. Excuse me. Can I get a refill here? Who's working? Who's the barkeep? Nose goes. Okay, yeah, I got it. Idiot.

So stupid. I forgot to touch my nose. I just said nose goes. So are you going to get me? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Here you go. Grab it. Do you want me to describe it to you?

I was in the middle of doing it. I'm grabbing the glass. I'm refilling the glass sir what brings you in today well probably the same thing that brings uh most of these fine folks in here today i'm pre-gaming the show no there's a show today that's fun where are you guys going to see a show uh well we're going to uh the theater it's right over at step in wolf theater um just down just down the road there. You know, it's a good theater. I love that place.

You see their trash. They have really good trash outside that place. Yeah, what good acting they have there. Well, you haven't heard who's, it's Uncle Sadstone. Uncle Sadstone the comedian's performing there. Cut it out. Are you serious? Yes, you know him, Uncle Sadstone.

Sorry, I was a royal for quite some time. So I'm not familiar with who this is. Oh my God. Uncle Sadstone, he's hilarious. He produces vegetables out of his anus. It's crazy. Yeah, and he does this little stamp dance. He goes, stamp, stamp, I was making

a mash. Mashing up the carrots in all of my hats. And all you guys are going? Yeah. I didn't know it was happening. Well, you're too late now. It's straight up sold out for sure by now. It's going to be a full house. No way. Definitely, definitely.

Oh, full house. You got it, dude. You got it, dude. Wait. Full house? Uncle Jesse. I don't know. How are we going to get a ticket? I want a ticket.

Yeah, we have to go to the show. Please. Chalice, you don't get it. This guy is a genius. Brilliance. Have you ever seen a genius? Beef, I got to tell you, by everything that you described, he doesn't sound funny at all. So I'm absolutely dying to know what this is all about.

Oh, my gosh. He pops people in the eye. He does impressions. He takes watermelons and he makes them. What? He produces vegetables from his anus. He has his mash dance where he stomps around. I don't remember those.

And what about watermelon? It's a deep cut. I'm sorry. Yeah, that was a deep. That's deep. All right, we got to get tickets to this. What do we do? What do we do?

I couldn't help but over here, you might be interested in tickets. Yes, yes, yes. We're talking to you. Oh, right, right, right. Over here? Right, of course. Well, I wouldn't mind maybe making a friendly wager i've already taken this little rap for everything she's worth oh god what is it what is it anything name it name it what is it i mean if you want you could name the

game but i'm always up to playing some darts. Red Rover. What? Okay, yeah, darts. No, I like Red Rover. Well, we usually use beef as the dart board, but I want beef to actually make it to the show tonight. Yeah.

Beef usually gets very hurt. Yeah. So you want to play Red Rover. I'm sorry. Maybe I don't quite understand the rules. Are there teams in Red Rover? No, darts works. No, darts works. I'm sorry.

Sorry, actually, it's a bad habit we're trying to break. We're addicted to playing the Red Rover. Don't enable us. There's actually no, we don't even play it. There's no way to win it. So it's actually a bad game for wagers. Yeah, you mostly just hurt your arm. And then the whole day is shot.

You passed it all night. Oh, it's a blast. Everyone's tuckered out by 9 p.m. We're having a good time. What were you trying to do? That's what the scars on my wrists are from. Don've passed it all night. Everyone's tuckered out by 9pm and then you're like, what were you even trying to do? You'll have a good night's sleep. Don't let us play that. What are we talking about? I'm just having a good time. Yeah, alright. He's already

over by the dartboard. You just realized that the four of you were talking to yourselves. Oh, great. Okay. Oh, okay. Thank God. We make our way over to the dartboard. Alright, if you can get it right into my belly button. Oh, so we are throwing at this little guy. Yeah.

That's how you have to do it around here. You have to. All right, all right, all right. You can get it into my belly button. All right, so then it's going to be three of you. I do have four tickets. How convenient. Four tickets, huh?

Jennifer, we'll sneak you in. We'll sneak you in, Jennifer. Okay, Jesus Christ. You fit in her pocket. What do you say that first to hit three belly buttons wins? If I win, you clear my tab that I've rung up here today, and I keep the tickets. If I lose, you get the tickets, and you clear my tab.

No. How about we just clear your tab tab and you give us the tickets? Yeah. Oh. Let's just common denominator this. Yeah, then we don't have to play a game. But I want to play darts. Let's just play darts for fun.

Yeah, we could just play darts with you, man. There's something wrong in my brain right now. That was totally reasonable. Yeah, we could just... Man, if you are having a hard time asking for people to play with you, it's okay. Like, we'll just play with you, man.

We'll just play darts until the show starts. No, we're playing the game for the tickets. That's it. Fine, we'll play your little game. We'll play your little game. This guy is messed up in the head.

He just wants friends. All right, I'm throwing first. Oh, my God. That's a nat 20. Come on. You see the dart going into double bullseye, which is a thing in darts, which is when you hit the very red middle, and it's worth two bullseyes.

And you're throwing it at me. Yeah, so that struck you dead in the belly button. Ooh, that felt weirdly nice. If you throw above a 15, it counts as one. If you get in at 20, it's going to be two. And how many do we need? You need three, and it's just

first to three. Okay. So he's already up 2-0 on his first throw. I'm pretty good at athletics. I can throw next. 14. Not good athletics. I can throw next. 14. Not good enough. Now just outside of Beef's belly button it hits a curious mole that's just

outside of Beef's belly button. Wait, was that not what we were aiming for? No, no. Trixie, Trixie, who's pulling tricks now? I don't think so. I'll be throwing for me own hat. Erin's been saying that around the house all day. I had to say it. I'll be shooting for me

own hat. So he throws another one. Can we try and distract him? Yeah, that's what I was about to ask. Maybe on the next throw you ask too late. So he throws this one and it zips right into Beef Butt. Strangely, the same.

Beef's butt. Yay. It hits the bottom below Beef and goes straight into Beef's butt, and it's a mess. Ooh, not for me. But that one feels strangely, weirdly good. Yeah. I'll go next.

Seb steps up, and I rolled, and you're not gonna believe this. It is a natural 20, so clunk, clunk. Really? Yes. Yeah. A natural 20,

that's a double bullseye zipped right into Beef's belly button. Yahoo! Yahoo! So he's up again. Okay, I feel like we gotta distract him. Yeah, let's see. Use your womanly charm on him.

Okay. You think I have womanly charm? Yeah. Oh my gosh, you have so much womanly charm. We don't have time for this. I'm a mime! Help! Help! mime. I'm a mime. Help.

Help. I can't get out of this wall. You're talking, Seb. Okay, well, I didn't say it was a good mime. Okay, roll deception. Or performance. Probably performance is better. It's a minus one on both, so. Ooh. Nine. Okay, okay. Still, even though it was a bad performance even how bad it was in a talking

mime it's all distracting so he's gonna have disadvantage on this roll oh boy the first roll was an 18 and he throws the dart and it looks like it might be going straight for Beef's mole, but it goes right into Beef's belly button. No! But barely. It was a 15, and he got it. Oh! There's the deal.

Well, looks like my tab's cleared, and I've only just begun to start drinking. Wait, I didn't get to throw. Oh, you want to sort of send it into overtime. I guess that's fair. Yeah, we got a rebuttal. Yeah, come on. All right, I guess that's fair. Now we get a rebuttal. Yeah, come on. All right, I guess that's fair. Chalice, I do think it would have worked if you would have tried to flirt with him

because you're so charming and wonderful. Yeah. Yeah, I've been telling Alberta actually about how great you are and how just like sweet and kind you are. She'd love to meet you. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.

And that's my second red flag Ooh, 19 Hell yeah, Chalice Well, s*** me timbers That is a bullseye I guess we're gonna have to send us into double overtime Blindfolded final dart Whoever gets closer to the belly button wins

Alright, blindfold me up Okay, I'm going to hold this pan And you'll ricochet it off the pan To your own body Let me get this straight of what you're proposing This little guy's going to come stand where I'm standing Throw in a frying pan And then it'll bounce back and hit his own belly button?

Precisely. It's not even that hard. If you got to choose your fate, would you? I want to throw it with my own hand. Okay, Dracula. Oh, my God. I'm going to say that from now on. Any impressions, just a little bit off. Even if it sounds nothing like Dracula.

Okay, Dracula. Okay, Dracula. Can we say that that was a little Dracula guy trying to get in on the game for a second? Yeah, for sure. Now, we're already in the middle of something. Sorry. So is that the plan, though? Is that what you want to try to do?

Well, gang Yes Yes Yes Tell you what I'll make you a wager of this on its own This seems very difficult If you can just even do this

The tickets are yours Okay Okay, I got it. This is for all the marbles to see Uncle Sadstone. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was a nat 20.

Yay! Yay! Yay! No way! Yay! So it ricochets off the pan and goes straight into Beef's belly button, and the guy you're talking to is just jaw-dropped. That's right.

Suck it. Suck it. Yeah! Tickets, please. Tickets, please. And he just wordlessly hands over four tickets and just storms off to the side of the bar. Hey, we'll clear your tab.

Good. And he pours himself a beer from behind the bar and just sits there really glumly. Hey. That guy's a complicated guy. Yeah, he kind of just wanted to play games, it sounded like. I think he just wanted to play games with us. Watch this, watch this, watch this. Hey.

Hey, guy. I didn't catch your name. Flips hair, Bats eyelashes. Womanly charm. Hey, how about you come back tomorrow, whatever your name is. Keeve. And you tell us, Keith? Keeve with a V.

Keeve? It's not my accent. It's actually what it is. It's Keeve. Keeve. Correct. Okay. Sounds like Kleeve. Youeeve. Correct. Okay.

Sounds like Kweef. You're one to talk. I know. You're one to talk. Takes one to know one. How about you come back tomorrow and you play some games with us? Oh, I would like that. I'd like that a lot, actually.

Yeah? Maybe we can have it be a bonus episode on the Patreon? What do you think? Let's play games if you can. Come on, buddy. Yeah? Maybe we can have it be a bonus episode on the Patreon? What do you think? Let's play games if you can. Come on, buddy. Come play with us.

I wouldn't say. You guys are being nice all of a sudden. Yeah, what do you think, buddy? We were nice the whole time. I'm a mime. We were all trying to just clear your tab.

We were going to play games with you. Sam's a mime. What's this mime doing? He's got a big robe. He's got a big robe. We could be nice. I love this mime. He's hilarious. I like how much he talks. Yeah, the mime doing? He's got a big robe. He's got a big robe. We could be nice. I love this mime.

He's hilarious. I like how much he talks. Yeah, the mime has some pretty good jokes. Not as good as Uncle Sadstone. We're going to go front row, front row. Oh, yeah. That's why I'm really sad. He remembers why he's sad because he doesn't have tickets anymore.

And he just kind of slinks off to the side of the bar. You don't have to worry about him he'll be fine now i'm worried about him we need to make sure everyone's happy in this world and now that you've kind of like come to uh and you're out of the out of the game uh and out of that high pressure moment you've realized that most of the people in the bar have actually already left. And the show is probably well underway already. Oh my gosh. Oh no.

We gotta go. We gotta go, guys. Shots for the road and shots for the road. And shots for the road and shots for the road. Chalice is pouring like spirits in their mouth. Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. And Chip is driving, but he's speeding as fast as he can. Jennifer, take care of the bar.

Love you, miss you. Take me in! Oh, we'll owe her later. We'll get her back. You guys show up to the show, and it is a big theater. It is Step-in Wolf Theater with a wolf painted above the double doorway with doors with brass handles, and the doors themselves are very thick mahogany wood and about 12 feet tall.

So very, very prominent and beautiful and a little intimidating as far as theaters go. But there is a very jovial atmosphere, even in the street right around the theater. And as you walk up, there is security there to obviously check you in. Hello, my good sirs. We are here for for Mr. Uncle Sadstone. A little late to the show, aren't we? Oh, yeah, yeah Me and my friends, we just We acquired the tickets a little late But we're here, we're here

All right, well Let me see the tickets Here you go Where did you take those out of? You made that noise Where did you take those out of, please? You made that noise. Where did you take this out of, please? My, well, my behind.

My behind. Oh, there's a dot in one of these tickets. Yeah, I was playing darts. Is that okay? Are they still valid? Oh, yeah. Well, they would be if it was two weeks ago. Is it not? No, yeah. Oh, well, they would be if it was two weeks ago. Is it not? No, these tickets are from...

Did you just ask me if it's not two weeks ago? And you didn't answer him. Yeah. Is it not? Is it not? Is it not? Is it not? Is it not?

Sorry to inform y'all, but looks like you got scammed. These tickets were for a show two weeks ago in a different town. Oh, Keeve. Keeve. Keeve. Well, how much is it to sneak in? Exactly. Good sir, how much is it to sneak in?

As it said, my good fellow Chip asked. That was confusing. I don't know what's confusing about that. How much is it to sneak in? Yeah, same question. That was confusing. I don't know what's confusing about that. How much is it to sneak in? Yeah, same question. Why aren't you answering? Well, all right.

You could sneak in. Yes. Just if you could do me this one favor of, if you see me talking to someone, he's a very handsome gentleman about my height. I kind of have a crush. And if you could just. Speak to him about your height? Yeah, I can speak to him about your height. No, no.

If you see me talking to him, just recognize me and, you know, just talk me up. Talk you up. Oh, yeah. I do that all the time. We do that all the time. We're the wingmans, baby. Look at us. We're wingmans.

We're technically the freaking condors. We're the birds. Come on. We're the birds. If you do that for me, we're square. We're square, okay? And, I mean, the show's almost over anyway, so, I mean, it's not even a big deal if I let you guys in.

Oh, my God. We're so late. Wait, what's your name before we go? My name? Yeah, so we can recognize you. My name's Sarelle. Sarelle. Okay. Well, we'll talk you up as soon as we see your buddy boy.

Same height, guy. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink. You'll recognize him because his hairstyle's one long, like he spikes one hair that's super long in the middle of his head straight up. One? It's only one single hair? I think we'll know it when we see it.

Yeah. I think we'll know it when we see it. Yeah. Come on, guys. We're wasting time. I got to see Uncle Sandstone. Okay. Well, stop shaking his hand then.

Stop. Let go of my hand! You guys head in. We step in. Wolf. Thank you. There's a ton of activity, but most people you can see are through a

second set of doors. There's multiple sets of doors that lead to the theater itself, but outside of it now is where there's like some people who have carts selling concessions and things like that. And that's kind of the area you're in right now. I really want popcorn and candy, but we have no time. Beef, I don't give a shit about this guy.

How about you go in, I'll buy you merch and snacks, and I'll meet you in there. Can you get me a real, really big T-shirt, please? Of course, of course I'll get you a big T-shirt. Get back in there. Can you get me a real, really big t-shirt, please? Of course. Of course I'll get you a big t-shirt. Get back in there. Make your dreams come true. I love you. Can I have some good and plenty? But you've had good and plenty of sweets today.

You've had plenty already. Don't tell me what I've had. His eyes went red. Sorry, sorry. Maybe I'm good. Maybe I am good. Oh my God. It's canon that now that all of Seb's teeth were lost at one point in the last episode, he's used that as permission with himself to just eat as many sweets as he can. Because he's no longer worried about cavities or losing his teeth.

And Chip, can I get you anything? I'll take a hot cocoa if they have one. Oh, my God. Crickets. Crickets what? I just want a hot cocoa if they have one. Oh, my God. Crickets. Crickets what? I just want a hot cocoa. A hot cocoa. I'm trying to drink hot liquids. Alberta says that it's good for your throat to drink hot liquids.

Don't make me say red flag again. All right. Just go in there. I'll meet you guys in there. Okay. Thank you. As you're starting to head over there, like multiple people on your route through there just go like, you look amazing to beef.

Oh, my God. You look awesome. Thank you. And then a third person's even like, oh, my God, you look so good. Thanks. This old thing. And he does a little twirl. It's just something I wear every day.

And as you guys head in, Chalice, you're now by the concessions. And you notice that the person in front of you is kind of dressed in a way that looks very familiar to you. But you can't really quite place it just yet. But we're going to cut back into the theater. And Uncle Sadstone is on the stage. And you just like you hear the fading of a laugh. Like there must have been just a big joke. And now there's like a long pause happening waiting for that for him to say his next joke but it looks like something might be wrong he's like kind of doubled over and he's like sweating it's like

it looks can someone roll perception three okay it looks like, it looks like there's To you guys, like he might be having a heart attack Is what it looks like Oh my god, Seb, go save him It's Uncle Sadstone You can't lose him, he's a natural treasure We're in the upper deck Throw him

I pick up Seb and I throw him Yes I will ask again Why is our solution to every problem to throw each other this was a good idea okay so do you try to throw them to the stage i try and throw them like darts like darts earlier i pick them up like a dart and i throw and aim bullseye for uncle sadstone okay do a strength check for me here. Happily. I mean, if it's a 20, I'll nail him and kill him.

Well, it's not. It's a 10. Oh, good. That's perfect. So it kind of just looks like Seb attempted to crowd surf in a moment where the performance really looks like they're going through something. But as Seb's actually, you know, falling through the air, Uncle Sadstone stands straight up and goes, and pulls a giant broccoli out of his anus.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was a tough one, you guys. Oh, no. So did you guys hear about this psychic who was hit by lightning? Boy, if he was any good, he would have seen that coming. Oh, my God.

Anyway, so I'm in this hockey league with surfers, and these guys are thinking, if this ice melts, cool, dude. Surf's up. Okay. are thinking if this ice melts cool dude surf's up you know you know the greatest thing about ice hockey is if you break a bone the ice is right there dude yeah it is these are real jokes jokes that Dave Coulier says as his character in Full House. Unbelievable.

Now, germs, they take one look at my body and they say, hey, why waste our time? Oh, my God, yeah. Yes. I can't believe Chalice is missing all these gold. Chalice, you've got to get here. Somebody help me. I'm just getting bounced around up here they're

not taking me to the stage they're taking me everywhere all right this is uh i got one more of my regular routine one more joke um so if everybody wouldn't mind can i hear you and the whole crowd walks in the whole crowd chants, cut it out. Out. Cut it out. And he gets a giant watermelon and he's got a broadsword. And he slams it down into the watermelon and makes a bunch of different cuts. And then lifts a heart that he cut out of it, out of the watermelon. And goes, it beats for you guys. Love you.

Nothing but love. We beat for you, it beats for you guys. Love you. Nothing but love. We beat for you. We beat for you. That was actually pretty cool, but not funny at all. Now let me see if I can go get my friend for an encore. And everyone's like, screaming,

screaming. And he walks backstage and then the lights go down and then the whole place starts chanting meatball meatball meatball meatball who's meatball and then someone walks out and can you roll for perception here all of us yeah three or three also eight Horrible Which is actually kind of fun because From the balcony seats It exactly looks like Beef is on stage

Beef just walked out on stage Oh wait, Beef Wait a second Is that a mirror down there? So? Who is that? Meatball? That child, because she just walked in,

she's nowhere near where Beef is. She goes, that's my friend Beef on the stage. Oh my gosh, Beef, I have your snacks and your big t-shirt. The Beef on stage just puts his hand up in the air for silence and the whole room goes quiet. Whoa. And then the onstage Beef strums his lute and goes, Home.

I just want to be home. Alone, bone, bone alone. You don't have anyone to bone. And then hits himself in the balls. Oh! Everyone dies laughing in the audience then he goes let me count these one two and three there we go all good all good i think uh we're ready maybe for the ventriloquist part uh any volunteers everyone starts? Everyone starts laughing. They go, ah, any volunteers? And he gets out his, there's like a gopher puppet there.

And he goes, do you want to sing the menu? Yeah, let's sing the menu. We got a pot of orange and we don't sell any corn. This guy's hilarious. Beef, this guy's stolen all your material. What?

Wait, what? All of this is you. Chalice is finally making her way to the seats, thinking that that is Beef on stage. And when she sees Beef, she gets so scared that her popcorn goes everywhere. Roll for perception again. Nine.

Five. Good Lord. Horrible. Yeah. I'm still crowd surfing, so I don't know if I should. Yeah, probably not. 15. Cool. Horrible. Yeah. I'm still crowd surfing, so I don't know if I should. Yeah, probably not. 15. Cool.

Safe set. Chalice, you notice that the person in front of you, it now clicks in your head, and that the people in the balcony box where you guys are, there's a bunch of fans also dressed like beef who just love this character. They're just fans of Meatball. They're all screaming, Meatball! We love it! It's so funny!

Ha ha! And then they're looking at Beef, too, and being like, isn't this amazing? It is? Yeah. Yeah. But what?

He punches himself in the balls on stage one more time. And one, two, three! Ding, ding, ding, ding. And then the curtains come down and that's our show. And the curtains hit the stage and the house lights come up and the show is over.

What the heck just happened? Oh, squeeze me. My gosh. Beef, this guy stole your life. He stole your everything. That's all your stuff. Your songs, your look. How he...

Well, someone could do that. All the people in the front row are wearing Soak Zone shirts. Wait, hey! Hey! That's my thing! What the... Oh, my God, you guys, did I die? No, no, no, look at me, don't panic.

Hey, hey, hey. We may have time traveled, but it's not certain. Time traveled? What? I think that that guy's just an evil man. We gotta go get Seb. Hold on, hold on. And then from the bottom of the frame,

I just kind of come up and I'm like, I was almost kidnapped, you guys. Someone tried to take me home. Did you see the guy on stage? Yeah, that was messed up. We got to go kill that guy or something, right? Yeah, let's go talk to backstage. Can we get backstage?

Let me see my tickets. Maybe we got VIP tickets or maybe some kind of meet and greet. How about this? We could go talk up the guy from the beginning. What was his name? Sorrel. Sorrel. We could go talk up Sorrel to whoever his love interest is,

and then maybe Sorrel will take us backstage. Good idea, Chip. Okay, everybody look for a guy with one pointy hair or whatever. Okay. Everyone puts their hands up like cylinders around their eyes like binoculars. Yeah, I'm wondering if it's like alfalfa where all of his hair is just put together and it's stuck up,

or if it's literally one single hair. I think it's one single hair. Like a big baby. So you guys want to roll perception? Of course. Of course. Okay, there we go. 21.

12. 20. 17. So Beef, you're looking around, you're looking around with your hand binoculars, and you see a guy who's about the same size as Sorrel, who looks very handsome, and he completely has a shaved head, is bald,

except for one hair standing straight up in the air. You guys, one second. And he zooms in. He twists his hands a little bit. I think I found him. I think mine are broken. At our 12 o'clock. Okay, so do you approach him?

Yeah, we gotta go. Because he's actually, you see that he's now making a beeline for Sorrel. So he is just about to start a conversation with Sorrel. Oh, okay. Let's go talk up first. Run. Run. Run.

I am. You are running, Seb? Yeah. Is this you running? Dude, don't make this a thing. I am. You are running, Seth? Yeah. Is this you running? Dude, don't make this a thing. I've never seen you run before. This is sad. No, it's really.

You don't need to be on your tippy toes. How do I not need to be on my. It makes me springier like a gazelle. Hey, sir. Wait. Hey, I'm looking for the really handsome bouncer. God, he's so handsome. Who works here?

Do you know where I could find the super hot? I think his name's Sorrel. Super hot. Oh, you're talking about Sorrel. Yeah. Yeah. The super charming. We're looking for the hot guy.

I was actually, I mean, he's right here. He's a foot from us. Oh my God. Hey, can you actually answer a question for me? Do I run weird? No, I didn't. I'm sorry. I need to get to the bottom of this, all right?

I do have a question for you, Sorrel. Can you sign my pants, please? I want your autograph. Sorrel's making a gesture like, tone it down. Okay, you can sign my shirt i don't know how long you've known sorrel sir but we go way back he won hottest person at our school um he saved a bunch of kids when they were about to die he was voted most likely to hot in high school most likely to i went to that same high school. I won best runner. Yes, most likely to

smell great. He's just the best. What do you guys roll for deception? 15. 16. 9. 13. Okay, cool. They go, oh my God, Sorrel, this is

very impressive. Wow, I didn't know all this about you. And, I mean, pretty cool about you being voted best runner. That's cool. I believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Look at me, Chip. Chip, look at me. I'm looking. Thank you.

Wow. I mean, I guess there was a lot I don't know about you, Sorrel. Would you, I would like to learn a little bit more. Would you want to maybe get a drink after this? Yeah, I mean, once I finish up here, just maybe give me like 20, 30 minutes, and then I'll grab my stuff and we can go. Yeah, that sounds fun. Where are we going to go?

No, be... Focus. No. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Not us. Oh, oh, oh. Thanks, thanks, guys. I appreciate that. Oh, yes, Sorrel, actually. We need your help. We need your help, Sor us. Thanks, guys. I appreciate that. Oh, yes.

Sorrel, actually. We need your help. We need your help, Sorrel. Oh, cool. I'll just... Why don't you just meet me at the bar? I'll be at the bar two doors down. Actually, three doors down.

What's three doors down song? The bar Kryptonite. Is that right? I think so. Yeah. Are you talking to us? It is Kryptonite. I'll be at kryptonite okay just be careful that place has a lot of ceiling fans it might mess up your hair oh okay well i'll i'll

see you there so don't forget i won't i won't thank you guys oh my gosh we give a big hug yeah we do we do a group jump hug yeah group junk hug group junk hug group junk hug group jump hug Yeah, group jump hug Group jump hug Group jump hug You know, the classic Sorrel, Sorrel, Sorrel Before we have grave dangers Happening to me and everyone I think

I'm being copied I think we're in the future or in the past Anyway, we need to get into the backstage. Could you escort us? Oh, I really shouldn't do this. Sorrel, please. We're really freaked out. Please.

All right. You did me a solid. Don't be weird about this. Come on. I'm not being weird. And you're sure it's not two weeks ago? Time travel has nothing to do with this. It did line up eerily like that. Two weeks ago. Time travel has nothing to do with this.

It did line up eerily like that. Kind of made me wish it was a time travel situation. Honestly. Well, it's too late for that. We got to get backstage. He starts leading you backstage. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. He's like, okay, gets out out a key. Opens up the backstage door. And then you hear, I'm not quite ready to see

fans yet. Just give me a couple more minutes. I'm not out of my costumes. You guys, I should be the one to talk to him because the three of you are just going to fangirl out on them and I just need you to relax. Am I pissing myself? Yes, you are. You're right.

He said he doesn't want to see fans, but you're not a fan. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. It's a trick. Oh, my God. I'm pissing myself. Knock, knock, knock.

Womanly charm. Toss, toss of hair. Blink, blink. I said I'm not ready to see fans yet. Oh, I'm not a fan. Hi. My name is Chalice Glass and I used to be a princess. You might have heard of me.

So when he turns around, you see that he was walking on his knees. He put shoes on his knees and was wearing exactly Beef's outfit, a fat suit, and a bald cap. Hey, you suck. What? I guess you said you weren't a fan. Can we get her out of here? I don't know.

What is this? No, I'm not going anywhere. Who pays Can we get her out of here? I don't know. What is this? No, I'm not going anywhere. Who pays extra to talk shit? This is so weird. Excuse me. You seem to have stolen my friend Beef's act. Oh. And I'm Beef's lawyer. And we're going to sue you.

Okay. Well, I'll see you in court then. Can we get security to get her out of here? No. I'm going to sue you. Okay. Well, I'll see you in court then. Can we get security to get her out of here? No. I'm going to beat you up too. Whoa, Chels. Okay. Come in here. Look at this.

It's him. It's the guy that you put up on a pedestal. Whoa. Uncle Sadstone? Is that you? Oh, hey. Yeah. Are you flattered? Is that you? Oh, hey. Yeah.

Are you flattered? Or, I mean, I got some big laughs doing you. What's the deal, man? Have you been to our bar? Yeah, what is going on? You have to cut this out, okay? Stop it. And give Beef all the money that you've earned off pretending to be him. And Beep, stop shaking his hand.

I can't. He's a hero. He's a villain, Beep. What is this? A shakedown? Okay. He snaps his fingers. And then his security, these like humanoid giant woodchuck folk grab you and like

are very strong and are... Oh no, woodchucks! They're humanoid. Whoa, guys, they're right here. That hurt my feelings. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. You sound like our friend Jennifer. There's only so many voices I can do.

I think you guys look nice. There's no reason for us not to all be friends. Uncle Sadstone walks up. So what? Is this your big idea? Threaten a lawsuit? Then try to beat me up? Let me make something really clear to you. I did you a favor, okay? And now he's looking at beef. I took what you had and had the forethought to know that what you're doing isn't music or inspiring or good. It's a joke.

And by acknowledging that and turning it into an act, I'm making money because I'm smarter than you and I'm better than you. And I deserve to be Uncle Sadstone. I deserve to be famous. To be Uncle Sadstone. I deserve to be famous. And that's what I am. And you are nothing. How rude. How rude indeed, Chip.

How dare you say such blasphemy. I can't believe it. I looked up to you. I had a poster of you on my ceiling when I was a pig teen. I cannot believe you. Yeah, I think I've heard enough. He snaps his fingers and they start escorting you out. No, you haven't heard enough. Sir, you listen to me.

I have nothing but time on my hands. I'm annoying and time on my hands. I'm annoying and I've got connections. And if you kick us out of here, I will dedicate, look at me in the eyes. I'm looking. I will dedicate my life to destroying you and not just you, but your confidence. And not just your confidence, but everyone you know's confidence. You will sink like a rock.

Or I'll leave you alone if you just do one small thing. But I bet you're not interested in that small thing, so we'll be going. Wait, what's the small thing? I see that little balcony over there. I think there's plenty of audience on the street, drunk as can be. If you and Beef have a beef-off,

whoever the audience prefers... Jealous. No, another beef off? Another beef off. I cannot believe I've been friends with you guys for as short as I have, and I have been a part of several beef offs. And if you out beef the beef, then you'll never hear from us again, and we'll let you be beef and make a profit off of him.

But if beef wins, you have to admit to the crowd that you're a fraud, you have to pay Beef some sorry money, and you have to make this right. Do you understand me? Yeah. I don't know. Things are going pretty well for me now

if I don't accept this deal. Why don't you roll for persuasion, Chels? Five. Nineteen. Because I got a 14 plus five. Okay. He, like, looks at you and sees finally recognizes who you actually are. He's like, oh my god, Princess

Chalice. He's like, oh, you probably could make some serious trouble for me. Uh, okay. Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it. A beef off. I mean, I've seen his act. That's why I do mine. I'll do it. A beef off. I mean, I've seen his act. That's why I do mine.

It's pathetic. And mine actually has some showmanship involved and lets the audience in on the joke. So let's do it. Wait, you're making fun of beef when you do it? Wait. What did you think I was doing? We thought you were just doing beef's excellent material.

Like a greatest hits. And really quick. Do I run weird? We thought you were just doing Beef's excellent material. Like a greatest hits. And really quick, do I run weird? Ladies and gentlemen of the sidewalk, there has been an incident. And without going into too much detail, we have a beef and a meatball. And I need you to decide in this free show with free beer tips.

Free? I want free. I want free. Oh my God, free. Scramble, free beer. Free? I want free. I want free. Oh my God, free. Scrabble scrabble. Who act you like better? In one corner, we have the great beef.

Hilarious, tiny, basically a dartboard. And in this corner, we got meatball. Who would like to go first? So he looks over at Beef and goes, Well, you or me? Pathetic.

I'll take it. Good luck following this. And he walks out on his knees. He puts shoes on his knees and walks out there. Straightens his fat suit and bald cap. Oh! bald cap. Oh. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead.

That's all you got? Oh. Oh, my God. Where's my sandwich? Where's my sandwich? I don't know where my freaking sandwich is. Maybe I'll have sex with everything. Humpy, humpy, humpy. Humpy, humpy, humpy.

Humped my balls too hard. Oh no, the crowd is loving this. Oh no. This could be going better. They are. Oh no, oh no. You guys. And maybe I'll sing a song. And maybe I'll sing a song and maybe i'll sing a song this song's about

um whatever's on my mind i guess everyone laughs while he's performing can i like just pull the gang to the side and be like guys i don't't know. This is Uncle Sadstone. I've been laughing at his stuff for years and years. Like, I don't know. This might be the first time where. Oh, sorry. That was a good one. Chip, this might be the one time that I get out beefed.

No. Beef, look at me. Rest your head in my hands. Okay, it's pretty heavy. This is literally, he's the least funny man I have ever seen in my life. Even by you guys just describing him, I knew that he'd suck. And then I got here and he sucks way more than I thought he would. And Beef, even if he was perfect and great, you would still be the better Beef.

Because of this, your heart. Now go out there and sing and dance like a man that got raised by pigs. For you guys, I'll do it. And then that's just as Meatball's hitting his final note. Oh! Excuse me. Okay, but low key.

That is good. Honestly, beef, good luck. Strong finish. Like truly good luck. Oh, God. We love you no matter what. And so then you see the audience cheers and is going wild. And then a just kind of organic judges panel kind of seems to have just been created into existence

in the mass of people. I love drunk post-concert crowds and how they create very organic judges panels on the sidewalk. One of them is Danny the Tanner from down the street. And you've got Uncle Jester is out there as well as Steve. And then you can see there's someone who looks. Oh, the fourth slot is a turkey with a little nameplate that says Kimmy Gobbler. So it could end up in a tie.

So it could end up in a tie. So it could end up in a tie. Okay. Yeah, so it seems like they're going to arbitrate who wins here. And then Meatball walks on his knees off the stage and kind of shoulders you, Beef, as he passes and goes, good luck following that. You just warmed him up for

me, bro. Bro? That's new. And then he rolls out onto the balcony and springs up. Now, I have a question. Is Beef going to be trying to intentionally be funny? Or

do his act in a serious way? I don't know. We'll see. I have no idea, man. Wow! Love it! What's more beast than that?

I think that's your answer. I think that's your answer. That's a good answer. He rolls out, jumps up onto the balcony, and he says, Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! And the crowd starts kind of picking up, and they caw-caw back.

Yeah. Caw-caw! They pick up that it's a call and response, and they're starting to... Caw-caw! Yeah. Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw!

Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Poopy, poopy, poopy Poop, poop, poop Poopy, poopy, poopy Poop, poop, poop

Ka, ka, ka Poopy, poop, poop Poop, poop Poop, poop Poop That's right. It's Friday night and we're all coming over for a sleepover. It's Monday, isn't it?

It's Monday. Mom said yes. Your dad said yes. And now you're ready to go. Go, go, go, go. Because it's sleepover Friday and we're having fun. It's sleepover Friday and we're having fun. Everybody now get on your toes.

The crowd lifts up under their toes. And touch your little pretty little nose. Do, do, do a poopy poo. Don't forget to wear your shoes that's right and then he lets out the longest fart he has ever had he has been it's the kind of fart that he has been accumulating for years he saved a little bit of his farts into another chamber and this is the chamber that he is letting out all of the farts and it sounds like a volcano and it lifts him up into the sky just a little bit more like a little jet pack rocket and he says when i say potato, you say potato, potato. Potato.

And then he falls to the ground. And he says, Elfie. And then he's like tired. And he falls back. And he's like asleep. He's winded. Asleep and winded. I've never seen someone be asleep

and trying to catch their breath he's sleeping and he's falling he's fighting falling asleep and being winded that just sounds like sleep apnea yeah I was gonna say that's just snoring

oh my god and he falls into I hope Chalice's arms How was that? Why don't you roll to see how that went Okay 14 plus performance 5 So a 19 The crowd

Was in stunned silence by the volcano fart It shook the ground Somehow even though you're on a balcony. And then they weren't sure if you were okay. So they're still in a stunned silence. I'm weak. They're like, if that came out of that little man, he surely must be dead.

So they're waiting to see you kind of stick the landing here and reappear. I'm still weak and I grab Chalice's collar and I go, did I do it? What's happening? You did. Okay. Can Papa have a kiss on the forehead?

Hey, don't mean to interrupt this, but they need to see you. Seb, you're a slow runner. Wait, what were you saying? I'm sorry, what did you say to me? I didn't say anything. What did you say to me? I was going to say they just need to see Beef is okay.

Yeah, okay, Beef, do you have the strength to get up and wave? I think I can. Did you say something about me running? I bend down and I kiss Beef on his little forehead. Thank you, Papa. I pick up Beef and I I like Simba, I raise him over the crowd.

And they go absolutely wild. In the same way that the animals do at Pride Rock. They're like making the elephant noises. They're going wild. And then the judges, it's time for them to deliberate. And so Meatball walks back out.

Now not on his knees anymore, but walks out as his normal height. Well, it wasn't bad, I'll give you that. But, well, let's see what the judges have to say. People always love the original. Yes, but in their eyes, I am the original. Let's see. Good comeback, B. Yeah, we're just standing.

Let's wait politely and see. We're just standing awkwardly as the judges deliberate for like 25 minutes. Just sharp jabs back. Yeah, we'll patiently wait and see Yeah, you're gonna see, huh? How about you see? Guess what? The only good part of your show is the popcorn

And it sucked Well I don't know, it was pretty good We're ready to make our announcement And the crowd, a hush falls over the crowd And going first is Danny the Tanner make our announcement? And the crowd, a hush falls over the crowd. And going first is Danny the Tanner. Danny the Tanner stands up

and goes, we rule in favor of beef. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I did that wrong. I did that wrong. I misspoke. I misspoke. No. So sorry. It's I. I meant to say I say i not we i can't speak for the

other judges okay i i am in favor of of b so you guys deliberated and you're just voting one by one i would like to see a 12 angry man episode of what these judges deliberate for such a long time you deliberated for so long you're just just voting? We got sidetracked. If I'm going to be honest, we weren't really talking about this for 24 of the minutes. Okay. Let us know what you were talking about later. Okay.

And so then next to give their review, their arbitration is Uncle Jester. And he stands up and he goes, I rule in favor of Uncle Sadstone. Uncle Jester and he stands up and he goes I rule in favor of Uncle Sadstone. Oh you both have uncle

in your name. That's not fair. Steve stands up and just goes Beef! Kimmy Gobbler stands up. It's just a cooked chicken

or a cooked turkey? It's just a cooked chicken Or a cooked turkey It's a turkey It looks not even really human It kind of just looks like a turkey Definitely cooked How like basted for a while Like golden Yeah basted, glistening

And then It speaks I rule in favor of beef Unexpected voice Oh, hell yeah. And then it speaks. I rule in favor of beef. Oh. Unexpected voice, but I'm glad. Good. Yeah, why were they deliberating for so long? I don't know, but yay, you won!

Yay! Yay! My eyes flutter open. Beef, you've been awake for a half an hour. Throw me down to the people. I want to be with my people. No. I pick up Beef and I throw him.

I want to be with my people. Uncle Sandstone tries to grab after Beef and does grab Beef as he's soaring through the air by the ankle. Let me see if he's actually able to do this. I want to be with my people. Oh, yeah. He goes to lunch for Beef, who's getting launched in the air, and he grabs Beef and rips him back to look him dead in the eye and goes, no, you can't take

this from me. I need this. Don't you get it? I need this. I can't come up with something as good as the Bone Alone song. I'm f***ed. Okay? Please, have mercy. Honey,

mercy left a long time ago, along with your good looks. Bye, bitch. That sounded like you were going to kill him. Do you try to kill him? I'll punch him in the balls. I'll punch him in the balls. The Beef original. Oh, he falls to his knees and he

actually chuckles for a second and he goes, I can't deny it. You're the genuine article. I respect you, Beef. And he hands out, he puts out his hand. And Beef Shake puts out his hand. And then the appropriate time for handshake passes careful beef's gonna tell you a really long story or a really short story there was once a guy beef let go of that hand let go let go let go let go of that hand nothing he goes no it's okay and he squeezes beef's hand gently in a friendly way and then lifts beef's hand into the air along with Beef and goes, Give it up for Beef! And everyone's going nuts. And then he just leans into you and he goes,

Get ready for fame, kid. It's going to chew you up and spit you out. And everyone's just chanting, Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! And then I say, Good thing I'm hungry. It's going to chew you though? What's for dinner? Doesn't matter It's okay Chalice

It doesn't matter Yeah it's okay Oh sorry what did you say? Nothing I love you You won It was a nat 20 Yay Yay Yay It was Nat 20!

Yay! Yay! I can't think of any more lines from Brave. Anyone know any? If you can't take my freedom, I'll take your man! Wait, what? I was thinking Brave. Okay, Dracula. Sitcom B&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, Okay, Dracula. hours and hours of games and goofs and gaffes just wasn't quite enough, we are very excited

to announce a new stretch goal. If we get to 500 patrons, we'll release an RPG one-shot based on the television series Lost, GM'd by the wickedly talented Aaron Keefe. This was an absolute blast to record, and in this one-shot, Aaron sets me up to get to do something that made me feel very, very seen, to say the least. And there may even be a returning character from our last Grey's Anatomy one shot. Ooh. So, if you'd like to become a kitchen rat and bring us closer to our stretch goal,

you can find a link to our Patreon in the show notes. Secondly, we've got merch, baby. My Bottoms Up crew neck and my sitcom D&D t-shirt with the characters on the back should be arriving any day now, and I'm absolutely stoked to rock gear from my own show with zero shame. A link to our TeePublic site is in the show notes. And thirdly, if you want to leave a comment in Bottoms Up's comment box, it may be used as the inspiration for a flashback scene in a future comment box episode. You can do this by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcasts.

Just to clarify, rate us as a show separately from how you'd rate Bottoms Up as an establishment. We've already got a few amazing comments on there that will definitely be used as scene suggestions, so don't dilly-d, get over to Apple Podcasts and leave your comment for Bottoms Up. Lastly, we're going to exit this episode on a literal high note once again,

because one of our patrons, Birdie, who you can follow on Twitter, at HeyIt'sBirdie, recorded a cover of our theme song and it friggin' rocks. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks as always for listening take it away birdie when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and feel it come fight sebastian chalice chip and beef at the normal bottoms up. Bottoms up! Step by step our growing pains are improving home and away.

Feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds, we're in different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends.