SitcomD&D - S2 E20: Purple Peripetals (w/ Janet Varney)

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Coral (Janet Varney) loves her life in Costanza Cove. She will have to adventure away from home to save her beloved father with the help of some new friends. Will she be able to save her father AND follow her heart? Or will the tide take her away from the ones she loves? Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Guest Star: Janet Varney Appearance by: Hailey Palmer Theme Song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Erin Keif Edited by: Grace Harper  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. When was the first time you guys worked together or, like, met? 2018, I think. Wow. Spring of 2018. Yeah. We, Hayward and I went to LA, and at the old HeadGum Studios, Janet came on the show and pretty much immediately was the best guest we've ever had. I feel like it was an early episode, so that's easy for you to say.

Yeah, it was episode one. Pretty much the first guest we've ever had. Did I say first? I meant best. Yeah, and then she's been coming on Hey Riddle Riddle pretty frequently since. She's our fourth host. We call her our unofficial fourth host. That's my favorite thing. That's so nice. People do clamor for you to stay. They's our fourth host. We call her our unofficial fourth host. That's my favorite thing. That's so nice.

People do clamor for you to stay. They're sort of annoyed that you aren't there permanently, but that's the goal one day, sometime soon. Are you pitching that right now?

Yeah. I'm officially announcing. What you need to know is like, there's a weird game of chicken happening where they say that and then like fine i'll do it and they're like someday you will and i'm like i'll fucking do it

right now and they're like someday and i'm like i'm in fourth official host and they're like and one day that will be true i'm not scared do it let's it. I will. And one day you will. We go round and round. Oh, I get it. I see it now. Yeah. Welcome to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. We open on Costanza Cove.

It's an idyllic seaside village right on the ocean. There are hand-carved boats tied to small piers, broken white picket fences, woven baskets filled with fresh oysters, and lantern-lit pathways that are made of cracked sea glass and stone. The warm sun offsets the cold, salty wind that comes from the ocean. It's not filled with big ships, merchants and a large trading economy like the rest of the coast. Things move slow at the Cove. This is not a vacation village filled with young love in a ruckus nightlife. It's a working village filled with sensible people with calloused hands, wool sweaters,

and stern faces. The sound of the waves crashing to the shore are occasionally interrupted by the sound of melancholy sea shanties sung from the small pubs. The crown jewel of the cove is the one building

that seems to put beauty before function. It's the family-owned lighthouse at the northmost point of the village and has sea glass and flowers from all over Fraser thoughtfully pressed into the side in a beautiful, intricate design. The young woman who lived there loved Costanza Cove with her whole heart. The year she put into making the lighthouse beautiful was her love letter to her neighbors. Coral was so proud

of where she was from and she never wanted to leave. Coral Brine is a young elf woman who was born and raised in Costanza Cove. She has long, strawberry blonde hair that's tied into a messy fishtail braid and sea glass green eyes. She's got freckles from being out in the sun so much, and her hands are cracked from the cold ocean water.

She loves to work hard for her community and making things more beautiful when she gets the time. She's passionate about flowers and Costanza Cove. Bye, George. Perfect. And we're going to pick up there. So quiet on set. Sound is speeding and we're rolling.

Dice! Did I do it? Is that how it is? You did it! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find Sebastian Chalice chip and beef at

the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day we're in different worlds with different strokes,

but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horton, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Since her mother's death many years ago, Coral lived alone with her father, Dr. Lachlan Brine. I'm Dr. Lachlan Brine. I'm Dr. Lachlan Brine. He was a professor of history and of sea magic at Gulf Mouth University for 30 years, but left after his mind started to slip away. Everyone in town thinks he's kooky and don't take him too seriously. When they talk about him, they say things like, what a shame, and Doc Lach? Guy's lost his damn mind. He has a white walrus mustache

and thinning hair. His eyes don't seem to focus on anything in particular, and he's always mumbling under his breath. Could not be a better character for me. Sometimes days and weeks can pass where they only talk to each other, interrupted by the occasional

suitor begging Coral to go on a date. Despite his lack of mental alertness, Lachlan wants Coral to get out there and join the world. Father! Coral! And I burst out of a closet. Coral! It's called crowball, all right? It's called crowball.

You get a crow, you raise it from an egg, a little hatchling, you instill it with confidence and values. You raise it,, you raise it from an egg, a little hatchling, you instill it with confidence and values. You raise it, you kiss it when it falls down, and you teach it not to touch the stove when it's hot. And then it plays a game, and even if it's not good at that game, you tell it you're proud of it. It gave it

its all. And, um, Oh, yeah. No, go ahead. I'd love to hear you actually finish the description of a game. You've never actually done it. We get so close to almost understanding the rules, and then you think about something else instead. So the crow is also the ball, and...

The crow is the ball. The crow is the ball, and he, uh, or she, they eat corn out of your hand because they like eating corn, and you really can see the best and the kindness of yourself in them. Aw. Oh, we can barely open this door. Oh, we got another package for you. Oh.

From that ding-dong. Don't say it. Prince Kiss-a-roo-my-ass. Prince Cicero. Prince Kiss-a-roo-my-ass is one of your best. It's one of your best. Thank you, thank you. Well, just put it in that closet.

I, by the way, cannot remember why we decided to build so many closets into this lighthouse. But put it in the downstairs closet, and I'll leave it unopened. I don't want to know what's inside. I want plausible deniability because I want nothing to do with Prince Kisaru. Well, okay. Well, it's a watch. But anyways, yeah, so I will go ahead and put this in one of our many storage solutions that we have on site here.

And so it's a game called Crowball. The crow is actually the ball. I'm getting farther away. Father, if you wouldn't mind letting go just for the moment of this idea of Crowball, put that package in the closet. I don't need to watch because I don't need to know what time it is because I know I'm never leaving here. So it doesn't matter. I am content to just go out and pick flowers and I'll respond to time the way the sun tells me to and the way the moon tells me to. Please join me. Come outside with me. Come

into the forest. Come pick flowers. Right in that moment, a basketball falls off what you think is your father, and then I burst out of another closet. Oh, I wish I could come. Oh, gosh. Oh, I really wish I could come to that. Oh, my goodness. But, you know, I got that thing where, like, if I leave. How did you?

I can't leave here. I can't. But I could have sworn you. Well, I know it's not because you have magical powers, but somehow you really. Good one, Dad. Well, I do have magical powers, and that's actually where I was going with this.

If I leave here, then a major wave will. I keep having these visions, and a wave will get rid of Costanza Cove, and all I can see is I can see the wave, and I can see the aftermath and crabs just kind of picking clean little seagulls and all sorts of just mayhem, mayhem, mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. Oh, that's instead of calling it a gull in Crowball, you can call it a mayhem, a mayhem. And we'll fade that out.

Sound like that goes on forever. Okay, so Janet, you've grabbed your basket for gathering flowers and you are on your way. Now you have three options that you can decide between of where you want to go pick your flowers. Okay. You can go to the Etta Green Forest to collect ginberry buds. You can go to the Mintland Marsh to collect purple peri petals. Or you can go to the Prickett Desert to collect pink zipzalias. I think I got to go to the marsh. Okay, so the

Mintland Marsh is about a half day's walk from Costanza Cove. It's a very foggy, wet marsh that smells strongly of mint. It is particularly hard to navigate because you can't really see further than four feet in front of you and the paths are so windy. It's filled with these small, purpley, periwinkly flowers that have a slight sparkle to them called purple peri petals that coral loves. I already love it. This is like Enya in a marsh. A hundred percent. That's what the nickname of this marsh is, is the Enya marsh. So you are plucking these flowers very happily, and then you notice a hedgehog wearing a mushroom hat,

snoring right in the middle of the pet. Oh. All right, all right. My name's Pepper, and I'm a hedgehog wearing a cute-ass mushroom hat. Get over it. All right. I enjoy eating picnics.

That's all I eat is picnics So I don't know what I'm going to eat next If I don't see a picnic I gotta eat Oh like Yogi Bear style Like other people's picnics But Peppa style I enjoy short bursts of walks on the beach And day drinking with cigarettes

I only smoke when I drink, which is all the time. Hedgehogs in this world are famous for being incredibly loyal and fun-loving wise sidekicks. And Peppa is no different, except maybe the wise part. People in the past have tried to convince Peppa to be their sidekick, but no one's been the one. Because once they pick you, you've got a companion

for life. So, Janet, do you want to wake up this hedgehog from the middle of the road or just sort of see what happens? Got to wake it up. Got to wake it up. Now, can you roll for stealth? Because you don't want to scare the hedgehog. Sure.

Got to be gentle. Don't want to alarm anybody. I rolled a two. Went ahead and rolled a two. Okay, so you scare the shit out of this hedgehog. Yeah. As you approach it. Honks you.

Honks you. Hey, hey. Honks you. Hey. Hey. Hey. Who in there? Easy, easy. Hey. How much money? Oh, my God shoe, honk shoe. Hey, hey. Shh, hey. Shh, easy, easy.

How much money? Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was trying to be so careful. Did I startle you? I'm so sorry. God, my buttons fell off of my hat. Oh, your buttons. God, Peppa's walking around picking up his buttons.

Oh, you dropped your cigarettes. Oh, thank you, thank you, his buttons. Oh, you dropped your cigarettes. Oh, thank you, thank you, my doll. Oh, they're so tiny. Oh, they'd be so cute if they weren't cigarettes. Oh, yeah, get over it. I smoke, okay? Only when I drink, which is all the time. Are you a happy drunk or are you a grumpy drunk?

Oh, only happy. Only hippy, hippy, hippy. Adorable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. I'm so sorry I startled you. I'm Coral. Coral, nice to meet you. And Pepper does a little bow. Nice to meet you. Oh, Coral does a little curtsy. I'm Pepper. Pepper? Pepper. Like pepper, but not pepper? Yeah, like salt, but not her. Okay, okay. Pepper, sure. It's wonderful to meet you. Do you live here in the marsh? Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah, I just kind of, well, that's a great question. Well, you know, I've just been wandering around and while Pepper is kind of not answering the question, he's looking at Coral, and he's getting this really crazy vibe. You seem like a good time.

You know what? Hell, I pick you. What? What? Yeah. You pick me? What do you pick me for? Hell, I pick you.

I pick you for life. You've got a friend in me. Oh, okay. Wow, this is a lot really quickly. Maybe we just spend a little time together. I was just going in to pick some purple peri-petals. Purple peri-petals? And then I was just going to eat a little bit of a picnic.

I like to spread my picnic. Holy smokes. Are you okay? I haven't eaten in days. I haven't seen a picnic in days. Okay, so out of nowhere, they can't see or hear this coming because of all of the wildlife and the fog. A chariot comes racing towards them

with a man yelling on it to get out of the way. Hey, look out! And then can you roll for dexterity to see if you can get off of the path with Pepper in time? I got a six. I've got to get some low rolls lately. You get a little bit towards the side of the road,

but it's not enough because the chariot takes up most of this path. So the man on the chariot has to swerve to miss you. He goes off the road, lands in the marsh, and loses a wheel of his chariot. Oh, I tried to roll myself into a ball. Are you okay, Coral? My God, we were standing there. My God. At least you were able to roll yourself into a ball. It was so cute. That's where I took the cue. It turned out that wasn't the right thing. Hello? Hello?

Are you okay over there? From the wreckage, you see Hanson Henricks, who is a professional chariot racer. He's an adrenaline junkie who loves adventure. He has dark, curly, shoulder-length hair and a sexy smile. Think a mix of Jon Snow and Waleed Mansour. Wait a minute.

I did not write that. I did not write that. Aaron wrote this description. No, I didn't. No. Okay, keep going. Okay, Aaron wrote that. He wears a long midnight blue sea captain's coat with Costanza Cove stitched in the back

with golden thread, which is super tattered from wearing it daily. The coat belonged to his father, who was said to have been the fastest man on the seas, but sadly passed away when Hansen was just an infant. Well, I'd ask how you... What were you doing? What were you doing in the middle of the road? What was I doing in the middle of the road?

What were you doing going at that pace in fog? That was slow for me. It's so irresponsible. Don't make this subjective. I don't care what your version of slow is. There's an objective slow that you're supposed to be when you're in fog

and you just tore past us. You could have killed this little guy. Hell yeah. When it's foggy, you're not supposed to be in the middle of the road. Walk on the edges of the road, the sides, the sidewalk.

You're not going to ask how we are. You're not even going to ask how we are. You're just going to go straight to yelling at us. I know going to ask how we are. You're just going to go straight to yelling at us. I know how to drive a chariot and I didn't even hit you. Did I hit you? You nicked us. I nicked you. I nicked you. Yeah, you nicked us.

Well, look, what you nicked was the picnic. It's completely ruined. Now I'm not going to eat for days. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry. Who is this or what is that? This and that is my new friend, Peppa. And I didn't care for your tone. Would you please treat that hedgehog with a little more respect?

All right. You're right. Okay. Sorry that I almost hit you. Now shake my hand. Oh, that's so cute. Look how you have to pinch between your index finger and your thumb to shake that tiny hedgehog hand. That's very sweet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So while you are talking, the hair on all three of your arms starts to rise, and you sense that there is some danger that is close in the fog. Now, Janet, can you roll a D100 to decide what monster comes upon you? Okay. Oh, you. Okay. Oh, 86. Okay. Wait, that can't be good. This is actually kind of perfect.

From the fog, you hear like a clacking, like a clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Okay. Did you guys hear that? Did you hear that sort of weird clacking sound? Did you hear that sort of weird clacking sound? And through the fog, you see a completely white giant crab. I knew it.

I knew it. I knew that the clacks were going to be, well, to be honest, I thought it could be a lobster or a crab. But of course, it's a great white crab. All right. Let's have everyone roll for initiative. Oh, Peppa got a 20. Oh, very initiative. Ooh, Peppa got a 20. Ooh, very nice. Okay, Peppa's up first.

I'm glad Peppa goes first. I rolled a 16. I got a 16 also. That's kind of romantic. I'm not... It's fate. Kind of sweet. Love birds. All right, so Peppa, you're up.

What are you going to do? Wow. Peppa, did you just say love birds at us? We just met. I mean, that's ridiculous, right? Couldn't possibly be. Sure, sure, wow. Pepper, did you just say lovebirds at us? We just met. I mean, that's ridiculous, right? Couldn't possibly be. Sure, sure, sure. I'll be back.

And I'm going to have a dagger because I want to. Love it. And I'm going to kind of do what Beef does. I'm going to go underneath him and just try to eviscerate his Achilles. Nice. That's very lucky because this great white crab literally has an Achilles heel. Oh. Wow. Okay, so it's nine.

You definitely hurt the crab, but more importantly, you are distracting the crab. It's not going to add any lasting damage. It's basically just like a paper cut to this crab, but it's the kind of paper cut that you feel between your fingers. So it's just like a distracting small pain.

Well, I have a crossbow. I'm very nervous about the armor. You've come on very strong with a very powerful armored sea creature. And I have great respect for the sea. But he's very weak in his eyes and his mouth. But he is very weak in his eyes and his mouth. So because I have such tremendous aim with my crossbow, I'm going to... Oh, do you?

I'm going to fire my crossbow. Now, my plan and my hope, depending on how it goes, is that the crossbow will penetrate one of his little eye stalks, but it won't just hurt him. It will propel him backwards, and the crossbow will stick to a tree and he will be pinned by his eye with an arrow. Love it. Okay, so that's what I'm going to try to do.

Okay, I got a 17 and 1d8 plus 2 for piercing. That's a 4. So that went through his eye, hurt his feelings, hurt his brain, but it didn't have the effect of being

all the way blown back. So he's just like scrambling, confused, scared. Don't feel bad for this crab. This great white crab is a bad guy. He's like really bad. He cheats on his girlfriend like all the time. So don't feel bad for this crab. Okay. I look at Coral and I say,

pretty good job. And then I take out my rapier and I sprint towards the great white crab and stab it in the same exact spot that Coral just hit it in the eye. Nice. 20. Whoa. Of course. 10 damage.

Oh, my God. All right, well, that does it. This crab is actively dying on the ground. It cannot fight back. Can it please passively die? This is so ugly. It is passively dying on the ground. Does it say the name of the wrong girlfriend as it dies?

It does. We look on its stomach, and it just has a bunch of tattoos that have been inked over, over, like, accidental misspellings and, like, clear attempts and clear attempts to fix something. So you both have just effectively saved each other's lives. And Pepper, you were also there too. Mostly emotionally supporting.

Oh, okay. Nice moves. I'm Coral, by the way. Oh, Hanson. Nice to meet you slash fight with you. I'll be the one who decides if you're handsome or not. Oh, I'm sorry. What did you say? Hanson. Hanson. Oh, Ion. Nice to meet you slash fight with you. I'll be the one who decides if you're handsome or not. Oh, I'm sorry. What did you say? Hanson. Hanson.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed. That's so weird. And I'll be the one to decide if you're coral or not. What? Nothing. Mine was bad. I've turned a bright shade of coral because I'm so embarrassed. So points to you.

You know what? I'll do the apology. I'm sorry for almost hitting you. You know what? I'll do the apology. I'm sorry for almost hitting you. That's on me totally. I'll take 100% of the blame. Thank you. If you want to ride home, I can get you a ride home. If you just help me get the wheel back onto my chariot.

Sure. You have four horses who are like swimming around in the marsh waiting to be rescued. Yeah, they love it, though. They love the marsh. They're probably happy because I usually don't let them because I'm going to have to clean them when we get home and whatnot, which is a nightmare for me. But it's all right. They're part seahorse. Yeah.

Yeah. So I guess they're going to get themselves out of the marsh. Who was that guy? That was just a passerby. He was just walking. That was a crab for a second. That was just a passerby. He was just walking. That was a crab for a second. That was so wild. Yeah, I'll be happy to help you get the wheel out if the horses are fine on their own.

Peppa, are you okay here? I mean, do you want to come back with us? You look a little shaken up. Oh, yeah, I'm coming with you. Wherever you go, I go. I know you say that, but I'm not sure that's true. I guess we'll see. I guess we'll see. I guess we'll see.

Oh, that's so sweet. How long have you guys been friends for? Two minutes. And so that's basically it. Wow, I guess I didn't have much to say since I've sort of been in the same place my whole life. But it's been great. No, I'm in the same exact boat as you. I feel like I've been stuck in same exact boat as you. I feel

like I've been stuck in this town for as long as I can remember. And I just, you know, I'm just want my way out of here. I don't know if you feel that way at all. But I kind of feel like sometimes like I'm like a goldfish that is trying to grow but can't because they're stuck in a small place. You know what I'm talking? I'm talking crazy. Well, I just I don't want to think about a goldfish growing bigger and bigger when we've just encountered a great white crab. I'm talking crazy. Well, I just, I don't want to think about a goldfish growing bigger and bigger when we've just encountered a great white crab. I'm feeling a little bit squeamish. Actually, the idea of a small goldfish staying small is appealing to me right now, but no big deal. No big deal.

No, I mean, listen, I have an interest. I have a curiosity in, you know, the world outside. But I also really love my father. And, you know, he's wonderful and he's so brilliant, but he kind of needs me around to sort of help him. And, you know, he's always inventing these weird games. It's a whole thing. It's crazy we've never met, though. Yeah, it's pretty wild.

And I totally feel you on that. My mom's here and I feel bad the idea of leaving her, but she's got her own husband that can take care of. I mean, that sounds jealous. I don't know if I would put it that way the next time you tell someone about it. But anyway, I don't know. Anyway, yeah, sure. I'm curious about the world, but. See, I have this big race coming up, the Riverdale race. And with the prize money from that, I'm hoping that I can actually get out of here, you know, and really start fresh and start new somewhere else away from Robert and, you know, everything that is part of my past.

I have to believe that's your mom's husband. That is my mom's husband. Yeah. He'd like me to call him dad, but I choose not to. Uh-huh. Well, this has been really nice. Under different circumstances, you know, Oh, my God. Well, this has been really nice. Under different circumstances, you know, if you weren't about to take off and see the world and I weren't dedicated to staying here with my dad, maybe we could spend some more time together. But I guess it's just not meant to be. Yeah.

Maybe if you ever want to see more of the world, you can come visit me wherever I end up hanging my hat. Yeah. Well, thanks for the ride home. Thanks for not killing us. Thanks for helping us get rid of that nasty old crab. Kiss. Good night. Kiss.

What? Peppa, is that you? What are you trying? Do you think that you sound like the breeze? Like it's that subliminal? I don't know what you're talking about. I've just been hanging out in your pocket this whole time smoking cigarettes. I don't know what you're talking about. I've just been hanging out in your pocket this whole time smoking cigarettes. I don't know what you're talking about.

You know what, Peppa? Just to spite you, I will kiss him. Do you mind? No. Pretty good idea, Peppa. So right as they are about to kiss, the door swings open. I'll stop prepping. You make the sound really early.

I'll stop prepping my lips. I don't want to waste it. I don't want to waste it. I'm going to stop prepping. You make the sound really early. I'll stop prepping my lips. I don't want to waste it. I don't want to waste it. I'm going to stop prepping. Right as they're about to kiss, the door swings open, and the town doctor is standing at the door in a panic. Oh, gosh. Coral, thank God you're back.

Your father, he collapsed on the path. What? He's sick with phrosemia. His body is shutting down. He has phrosemia? I'm so sorry. What can we do? Yeah, how can we help?

Well, we don't have any of the medicine left here in town, but there are two women who have a farm that grow the plant that makes papoxine, the medicine that you'll need. They live over Mount Rushmore, but it's very dangerous. But I know they're good people. If only there was somebody that could get there very dangerous. But I know they're good people. If only there was somebody that could get there very quickly. I was going to say, it does not sound like you're volunteering at all.

So you know where it is, but you're not going anywhere. No, I got a bad leg. Sure you do. You're always talking about that bad leg. You're jogging in place. Yeah. But anyways. Stop doing lunges. What? This is weird. Why are you wearing sweatbands and a little headband?

I'm trying to get my steps in. Anyways, I know that these women. Are those tennis shorts? I'm sorry. Okay, I gotta let this go. I gotta let this go. The women on the other side of Mount Rushmore, they'll give you a fair price. They're good people.

I've worked with them before. And you can't go by foot, though. It's a one week's journey. But if you leave now, there's a chance that maybe you can save your father. Well, of course, I'll have to leave right away. Proxemia? Proxia? Papoxene. Apoxene.

Papoxene. Papoxene. Papoxide. No. We'll write it down for you. I'm writing it down and handing it to you. Please do. This is not a time to think maybe you'll remember. I don't know if you have a carriage or something, but you have to leave now. Please let me take you.

Please let me take you. I'll just figure out a way. I'm sure. No, this feels like fate. You know, I almost hit you for a reason, and that's why I'm here to save a life. And I think that that's okay. Maybe I could save your dad's life on like I was able to save mine. I couldn't.

I just couldn't. I couldn't possibly accept. Please. Okay. Yes. I'm going to pick you up and carry you. I will take you up on that. I've got to fix my dad. Dad?

Dad, can you hear me? Dad, I don't know. Basketball falls to the ground. And you hear a bunch of coughing in a closet. I can't tell if that basketball was just going to fall on its own anyway, or if this is a sign from you, but I can hear your raspy, frozen coughing. Dad, I promise you, I'm going to find some papoxin for you, and we're going to unfreeze you, and you're going to be fine,

and you're going to come up with all kinds of new and wonderful games for everyone to play. Dad, you're going to be just fine. I just need you to hang in there. Wait, wait, listen to me. Just one thing. Well, actually, two things. It's called Axe Ball. Instead of a ball, you use an axe, and it's only played by children.

Please, I beg you, save your strength. Okay, second thing. Did you make a friend today? Wait, I made two friends. That's so funny. When do I ever meet anyone in the marsh? But I did meet two people. But please, please stop. Every time you cough, little puffs of snowflakes come out. And it's so beautiful, but it's so sad. Each one is unique. I know. I know.

I'll be back, Dad. I promise you we're going to find a way to save you. Make a couple more friends. I like to make a new friend every day. They're all volleyballs and they're all named Wilson. And they're living in a perpetual bachelor in paradise sort of scenario. There's a lot of effing and a lot of, you know. I know. And that fades out. And that fades out, obviously.

So now we are on our journey to get this medicine. Mount Rushmore, which is the large mountain that they're passing, is famous for its avalanches. And everyone rushes over it when they need to pass, hence the name Mount Rushmore. These avalanches get triggered by any loud noises. So you'll have to be

so quiet and make sure you're very, very careful. Again, I just want to thank you so much for this. Yeah, you really don't have to keep thanking me. What? You know. What?

You don't have to. Shut up. That was a mistake. Honestly, this is. Be careful. Pepper. What? I liked it better when you were whispering kiss.

Can you tell your horse's hooves to be a little more. I know we wrapped them in leaves, but the leaves ended up being very dry so that Yeah, they're crunching. It's actually hoof beats with crunching. Yeah, it feels like we actually made it worse. Bit of a miss on that. Bit of a miss on that. Maybe we should just take off the crunchy leaves. I'm so hungry.

Peppa. Do you have a picnic? Does anyone have a picnic? I mean, I packed two picnics before we left, but you ate both of them immediately. God, shoot. Okay, so if we just get up here as quickly as possible, I don't want to cause any sort of an avalanche or anything. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! So there's a slight rumbling.

Pepper, can you roll for stealth? Plus four gives me a 16. Great. Since you're a hedgehog, that sneeze was relatively very quiet. Okay, good. So you are safe. Because it was a sonic boom in my world. So there is a full week of this. Pepper Hansen and Quarrel are becoming

best friends. They're whispering every night. They're not getting much sleep because you know when you're falling in love with someone, you just don't sleep. You just want to talk to them all night long. But after you're about six and a half days in your very cold journey, they can see the farm in the distance. But the path that they're on suddenly ends in a cliff with a huge gorge between them and where the path continues. Oh, okay. Am I hallucinating or does the road stop and then pick back up? Sometimes I have a gap in my sight. No, you're not hallucinating.

I told you that story a couple nights ago about the whole thing. I can't believe how many inside jokes we have. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It just gets so giggly. Wait, let's do our handshake. Let's do our weird handshake. Okay, let's do our handshake. Listen.

And here we go. Let's go back. What am I looking at? Anyway, oh, God, the feelings. There's so many different feelings. We've got to figure out a way to cross this. What if we fill in the gorge? How so?

Well, I guess we could do little scoops of dirt. I don't think we have time for that. We don't have time for little scoops of dirt. No, but could we build some sort of bridge? We don't really have the tools for that. If I attach a rope to the crossbow and then I try to drag us, no, there's no way. The chariot's way too heavy.

Because of the horses. Okay, so if we make a sound, we actually might be able to use the mountainside to our advantage by causing an avalanche. Maybe that would make the road passable. Is that crazy? Is that the craziest idea you've ever had? I say to myself. Well, it's worth a shot.

Peppa, your thoughts? Let's do it. Okay. I pick up Peppa or Pepper. I'm still not sure. I know it's not salt. I pick up Pepper and I rub pepper all over my nose. But I think we figured out a couple nights ago that you're allergic to pepper. I think I understand.

That unlocks a avalanche, but that's not going to be enough. That does like a fifth. It fills in. I, okay, okay. As you know, I'm's not going to be enough. That does like a fifth. It fills in. Okay, okay. As you know, I'm not allergic to anything at all, and I've never seen... I think we can actually talk in normal volume. Oh, that's a really good point. Okay, so that's definitely enough.

So now we're about halfway full. Oh, just random chit-chat is doing the job for us. This is wonderful. Okay, um, we still need a little bit more filled in. I guess we could sing a duet of some sort. Oh, I was going to say we could sing all three

of us, but it's okay if you want to exclude someone. I'll take the high notes. I'll take the low notes. And I will beat box. Hey, hey, hey.

I'm seeing this thing. It's me, Peppa. And that does it. Are you sure it doesn't scare the snow back up? Yeah, it sucks all the avalanche back up. No, it's a little bit high. Now they have to sort of like go over the path, sort of like it's a little hill.

And it's not great on the horse's hooves. There's like some rocks and stuff sticking out, but they make it to the other side. The horses are the real heroes in this story and they don't even have personalities. Yes, exactly. We'll see another episode from their point of view. It's harrowing, but...

Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger, and I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and

vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. As they turn the corner around Mount Rushmore, they see the farm and they are overwhelmed by the smell of smoke.

The barn next to the farm has burned down completely, leaving the sky a dark gray color and the crops have completely disappeared. A woman covered in ash comes running towards them. Who goes there? Leave us be. Haven't you taken enough? Wait, we haven't done anything. We just got here. Are you okay?

Are you hurt? No, I'm not okay. Who are you? Well, we're here from Costanza Cove. We were sent here by the doctor there. He said that you would have papoxine. My father's very, very ill with phrosemia. He also tells weird stories about balls, but was that always the case?

Oh, my dad? No, that is 100% him. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, that's him at his healthiest. Well, we did have the papoxine plant. I'm so sorry about your father, but I can't help you. It was completely stolen from us by the royal guard. No! The royal family is selling the smallest

vials for 10,000 gold coins. What? We would have given it to you for free. I'm so sorry. Oh my god. What are we gonna do? We need it. And we don't have the money. I mean, I personally don't have 10,000 gold pieces. No, me neither. I've got a couple of cigarettes and a crumb.

Oh, thanks, Peppa. Yeah, well, Prince Cicero, it was his big idea to steal all of our medicine crops and then sell them to people for a huge upcharge. That guy. Oh, you know this guy? Oh, yeah, kind of. What's the deal with him? Oh, I think he saw me putting sea glass into the side of the lighthouse to make it

beautiful oh and he i don't know i'm sure it's not really about me it's probably about the sea glass but he decided that he had a bit of a thing for me it's it's i'm not interested let me just be super clear i'm not interested oh okay however this guy has what we need so got to find him because maybe he'll give it to me. He likes me. He sent me a watch. We could try and ask him for it, but it sounds like it's pretty valuable. I could win the race and then give you the money to buy it to save your dad. Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't. You know what? I'm not going to. I'm not going to do what I did before. Yes, that would be great. I'm not going to play for it. We've known each other long enough now. Obviously, I need that to happen. But it's a little cart before the horse. And I'm so sorry for having to say that. But it is a little cart before the horse because you haven't won the chariot race yet. You got to win.

Oh, it won't even be a problem. I'm going to win this race. And I know I will because I have to. I'll do anything for you. Anything. Well, I would do anything for you once this is resolved. Yeah, we'll do your thing first, and then we'll do... Okay, my thing first. Okay, great. Oh, my God. Oh, you. You're such a little grump.

You know you think it's adorable. Yeah. Yeah. Uh- it's adorable. Yeah. Wait, don't light a cigarette off that burning barn. Peppa, come on. So it's the day of the race, and we're going to go to the Gildan Arena. It's about five blocks away from the castle, and there are street vendors selling food and merch outside. It's covered entirely with dark purple, amethyst, and gold detail. Frasier flags that are stories tall line the arena, blowing in the wind.

There is the sound of hundreds of thousands of onlookers laughing, cheering, and getting into fights around them. Coral and Peppa push to the front of the crowd, waiting for the race to begin. I mean, look around. This thing has got to be rigged. It's all Frasier all the time. Listen, listen. And Peppa's on her shoulder, near her ear. We saw that guy totally take down that crab. I mean, did we do all the work? Yeah.

Actually, you know what? I'm going to just quickly walk over and look at you in the window of the shop, because you're sitting on my shoulder, and I'd like to be able to look in your eyes when I'm going to just quickly walk over and look at you in the window of the shop because you're sitting on my shoulder, and I'd like to be able to look in your eyes when I'm talking to you. Peppa, I need you to tell me it's going to be okay. I just, I usually have my own strength, and I'm feeling like so depleted right now. I'm so worried about my father. I just, I need someone to tell me that this is going to work out

and everybody's going to be okay, including Hanson. Hey, it's going to be okay because I didn't think it was going to be okay, including Hanson. Hey, it's going to be okay because I didn't think it was going to be okay until I met you. And the moment you scared me awake from my honk shoe sleep, I knew that life was going to be okay because it was going to have you in it for the rest of it. Oh, buddy. He's going to do it. That's what I needed to hear. Thank you so much.

So once Pepper and Coral make it to the front of the crowd, they get the attention of Prince Cicero, who has entered himself into the race. Prince Cicero has light blonde hair, wears purple robes, and has the most punchable face. Think Sean Coyle. I wrote that. Aaron wrote it. Aaron wrote it.

Aaron wrote it. Oh, brother. I'm thinking he also has a very prominent butt chin. Oh, you know he does. You know he does. And so much so that it's like you can't even fathom why this is true, but it looks more like a butt than any other chin you've ever seen. Yeah.

That's a visceral image for me right now. And then he also has a solid gold pocket watch that he checks often. But it is rumored from servants within the castle that inside this pocket watch is actually just a picture of himself. And he goes everywhere with his sidekick henchman, this gnome named Mugsy.

Huzzah! Coral! Tis you! I thought as much! Your smile is as radiant as the sun on the hottest of a summer's day. Yeah, the whole sun, radiant smile thing. Super original. Good to see you.

I was hoping you'd think so. Goodness, it is good to see your face. I bow so low, I kiss your toe, as they say. Oh, my, there's a small piece of trash on you. Oh, and it's prickly. That's Pepper. Trash, why I ought to punch you in the face. Oh, it's got gusto.

Is this a friend of yours? Yes, this is my best friend, Pepper. You might call him Pepper. That's up to you. But not salt. Yeah, sure. Cool. Anyways, I thought you should know that I'll be entering in the race today

Yeah, before we do that, I'd love to just find out if you're a better person than I think you are Could I have some papaxin? Gesundheit Everyone, did you hear me? I will be entering in the race today for the hand of the fairest lady in all the land. What? Coral. What?

If I win, I would love to throw you a party, befit your beauty, and the announcement of our engagement. Hold on. I do not remember any of this being part of the chariot race. This is a chariot race. All I heard was I do. Oh, that's on me. I'm afraid that is on me.

Yes, Muggsy, I hope you were paying attention. Yes, my lord. Don't do the creepy voice in public. Try to make it a little more normal. Yes, my lord. We'll keep working on it. But things are going according to plan. She's thrilled

that I'm entering the race, and she will be mine. You're so cool. And you're not. We see Hanson lined up at the starting line. He seems very focused, but he has enough time to turn and look and do a knowing nod to Coral. He's a very modest chariot,

but his horses love him and are loyal to him and he's the fastest guy in all of Frasier. At racing. At racing. Unfortunately, Prince Cicero has the highest tech, amazing, most expensive chariot that money can buy. He's also at the starting line, and Mugsy is sort of quaffing his hair for him and rubbing his shoulders. And Mugsy is sort of quaffing his hair for him and rubbing his shoulders. All right, Hanson. Woo!

Show everybody what you've got. You can do this. We believe in you. Number one fast rider, Hanson. Yeah, we're doing a whole thing where Pep is being a little bit of an announcer. And we're going to do some color commentary. Trust us, we are going to be talking you through this whole thing. Even if you can't hear us, you're going to be amazing Oh fun, thank you

Hanson, who the hell He looks over and sees Jesus Christ, it looks like a couple of glue sticks pulling your chariot Whoa Those are my best friends A little slow on the uptick there, pal, huh? Let's hope you're quicker in the race I thought you were talking about my legs at first Well let me introduce my steeds A little slow on the uptick there, pal, huh? Let's hope you're quicker in the race.

I thought you were talking about my legs at first. Well, let me introduce my steeds. Yes, you're looking at Pop, Six, Squish, uh-huh, I'm Cicero, and Lipschitz. Wait, how many horses do you have? Welcome to the year 420 of the Riverdale races at the Gilded Arena. 420, nice. First place will receive 20,000 gold coin. Everyone else will get nothing.

May the best charioteer win. That being Hanson. Hanson raises his hand. Yes. Is Coral his hand. Yes? Is Coral's hand part of this winning? No. Not for you. I don't know who told you that. For sure not.

For sure not. Okay, just checking. Can you believe that guy had a question? He had a question. Keep your head in the game, Hanson. Don't even worry about it. The only person I care about in this race is you. Oh.

I look over and I wink, and I throw a toothpick in my mouth. Cicero sees that, gets super pissed, opens up his pocket watch, looks at himself and calms himself down. So even though you are a much better racer, Waleed, Sean's chariot is better. So you are both going to be rolling a D20 at the same time and whoever gets to 100 first wins. Oh god. This is so stressful. You're telling me girl. I'm stress smoking. I gotta be honest I have yet to see

Pepper drinking. He's a weird secret drinker. It's super weird. On your marks. Get set. Race. 17. 20. Hanson pulls get set, race. Come on. 17. 20.

Hanson pulls ahead of the race. 26. 25. 33. 26. Shit. 44. 44.

53. 58. What? 73. Yes. Oh my God. 126. What?

Seemingly impossibly, even though Hansen was in the lead fair and square, like a blur, Prince Cicero makes it to the finish line, almost as if helped by some sort of magic, and he wins the race. No! No! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Pop! Six! Squish! Uh-uh! It's me, Cicero, and Lipschitz, we did it. Great race, boys, great race. I'll put some clothes on that chin. I pick up my skirts, but I also have some super cool pants underneath, and I hurdle over the fence, and I'm just running as fast as I can. I've got to get to Prince of Cicero.

Prince, your highness, your honor, whatever. Please, I want you to reconsider. I'm sure you won this race fair and square. Not sure of that at all. But I really, I need your help. I'm begging you. And I've got good reason. Ah, Coral, Coral.

I've envisioned this moment for days! And he kind of like cheats out to the crowd and like holds your hand up to everyone. Why are you holding my hand? No, please, drop my hand. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. Prince, drop it. Yes. Good boy. Um, the thing is, I don't have time to go into

it right now and I'm so upset I can't really express myself right, but I need the money. I need the money. I need the money. Please? You need the money for, for what? For my father, my father. Papoxin, papoxin, papoxin. Oh, you could just give me the papoxin. Oh, right. Of course. Of course. I mean, I could just give you the papoxin. Yeah, come on, you jerk. I mean, I shouldn't have said that. And now you can roll for persuasion. Okay. I'm rolling for persuasion. And now you can roll for persuasion. Okay, I'm rolling for persuasion.

I've got a nine. Okay, so your pleas to him don't work. No, I would give you the papaxin. It's just that, you see, it's very expensive. Well, it's hard to make sense of these things on paper. I can't go giving these things away. It's illegal. It'd be an illegal movement of assets by the crown.

Oh, okay. You know, I couldn't... Oh! Unless... Unless you were family. If we were to be married... What? Then, of course,

I could give you the papaxa. I... No, I couldn't. I couldn't. Never. God, I hate this guy. Um, that's a really enticing offer. I'd love to think about it.

Best thing we could do right now would be to get my father the papoxen, and then we'll have all the time in the world to discuss. Ah, yes, time is of the essence. We'll get your father papoxen. In fact, what time is it? I'd love to know. Oh, let me check. He opened a thick bead of sweat goes down his throat. It's very important that I know because Peppa has some medication he needs to take at a very specific time of day.

So it would really help me out if you could tell us what time it is. Oh, God, I'm going to kill that little piece of trash. He opens up his little stopwatch, looks into it, and then kind of like feigns like he's looking at the stopwatch, but actually he's looking up at the sky and kind of moving his hand like a sundial trying to figure it out. It's 2.30 p.m. Well, he has a dentist appointment, but you know what? Let's throw all that aside. Let's head back and give my father the papoxin.

Yes, we shall. And why don't you come in the faster chariot? I'd love to just stay and ride with the people I came with. You know, it's like that thing where you shouldn't leave the party with someone other than who you came with. It's a politeness thing. Oh, but I insist. And so does Pop, Six, Squish, Cicero, and Lipschitz.

You do not have to name each one every time, but I guess, I mean, I don't have a choice. Do I get to say goodbye to Hanson? Do I even get to tell him what's going on? No, you have to go now, so you don't even get a goodbye with him. So we rush back to Costanza Cove, and it's storming really hard. You can't see like five feet in front of you because the rain is coming down so much. Okay, I'll be right back. I just want to let my dad know what's going on. Dad? Dad? Dad, are you okay? In that moment, you see that all of the volleyballs are positioned in a way where it looks like they're auctioning off everything in the house.

There's little tags on everything. And then you hear upstairs, yeah, I'm up here. Dad, I don't know how you managed to get up here, but I hope it's a good sign that you're on the mend. I have the papoxin. I just need to tell you before I give it to you that in order to give you this papoxin, I've had to agree to marry Prince Cicero. Thoughts? Oh, thoughts are bad. Oh, Prince Fisteroo And then you punch him in his ball sack Oh, gosh It's just something I have to do I need you to I'm feeling surprisingly lucid right now

Lucid like you think maybe you don't need the popoxin? No, no, I just hacked up a snowball So I think I really need it Okay, alright, just worth checking I just want you to live a life that you're proud of. But how can I? I want you to, you know, make friends. I want you to experience love.

I want you to, see, I used to be a professor, and I'm sure if I wanted to, I could come up with some formula that proves that you can fall in love with anyone. But why would I want to do that? Because the mystery, the love, the proximity, and the getting to know a person, to getting to experience a friendship from start to finish,

that's a beautiful thing. Well, I'm going to live a life I can be proud of. I'm going to live a life that you can be proud of. In order to do that, I'll be right back. Wait, one last thing. It's called Clint's Ball. It's just a bunch of guys named Clint. That sounds great.

Again, save it. I need you to save it. Oh, gosh. I'll be right back. I go outside. I stop outside the door. I close the door behind me. I lean against the door. I take a deep breath and I just walk up through, I close the door behind me, I lean against the door, I take a deep breath,

and I just walk up through the rain to the prince and say, Prince Cicero, I'll take that papaxin and, yes, I will marry you. What was that last part? I said I will marry you. Come again? I said I will... Could you hold your hand over your chin while I tell you this, please? I'm... Come again? I said I will... Could you hold your hand over your chin while I tell you this? Please, I'm begging you.

Of course. Anything for my bride-to-be. To save my father's life. I will marry you. Huzzah! A thousand blessings upon this household and all those who inhabit it. Here is the papoxin. Okay,

I grab it, I run inside, I administer it to my father. One assumes I put it into a volleyball and puff out the papoxin through the little volleyball blow-up hole. I puff it into his face and down his throat. How did you know? Incredible! A volleyball? Hello! Puff, puff, puff. up hole. I puff it into his face and down his throat. How did you know?

Incredible. A volleyball? Hello? Puff, puff, puff. Dad, this should be reviving you. Can you feel your limbs? Is there a warmth spreading through your limbs from the popoxin? Oh, I feel like that Campbell's commercial where the snowman melts and it's a child on the inside of it.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, which by the way, super weird. Yeah, very weird. Very weird. Oh, I see that your father is being rejuvenated. Oh, rejoice. Oh, God, it's the watch guy. Or should I call your father my father? What?

I don't think we need to go. You don't need to do that. That's so nice, though. Yes, I will call him Daddy, too. Ew, what? Wait, what's happening? Well, we are to do that. That's so nice, though. Yes, I will call him Daddy, too. Oh, that's okay. Ew, what? Wait, what's happening? Well, we are to be wed. Kill me. No, wait, no.

Kill me. Dad, you don't understand. The only way that I could keep you alive is to marry him. If you want to die now, that is, like, so ironic and so shitty. I'm going to need you to pull through this. This is your choice, and as long as this is the life that you want for yourself and you're proud of yourself, I'm proud of you too,

because you're my daughter and you're all that I've ever needed. So then Cicero walks up behind Coral and places his hands on her shoulders. Oh, they feel so heavy. And something tells me that we're going to have a very long and happy marriage. For if you're not able to have a dose of papoxin every week on the week,

What? you will die where you lay. So I foresee a very long betrothment between the two of us. Don't you, Coral? Aye. Aye, aye, yada. And Peppa just comes out of her pocket. Peppa, don't wind up your fist by

twirling it around and around. We both know your arms are too short. You can't punch anything. You can't even punch yourself. I appreciate it. I appreciate it, though. Why don't you pipe down, Pipsqueak? And he takes a little cigarette out of the carton, puts it to his mouth. You look like an idiot.

Okay, so I guess I'm in this for the long haul. It's almost like you anticipated my plan to save my father and then escape your evil clutches, knowing that I had saved him and I could renege on my agreement to marry you or at least get an early, quickie divorce in Vegas. No, no, of course not. Then he leans down to Mugsy. Yes, of course, yes, that is what I plan. Yes, my lord, you're so cool.

Oh, do not like that voice. Yeah, I don't like that voice. No one likes it. Well, at least I can stay here. I mean, maybe we could move in next door and I can be with my father and make sure that he's healthy. I can administer the papax. No, not that either. Actually, chop, chop.

What? We're actually going to move everybody out into the castle. What? What? No. What, like that's a bad thing? This place is a dump. No, this lighthouse is my home.

All the sea glass, all the flowers. Maybe you didn't hear me. You're moving is a dump. No, this lighthouse is my home. All the sea glass. All the flowers. Maybe you didn't hear me. You're moving to a castle. It's a huge house. It's like the biggest a house gets. Cicero's guards come in and scoop both of them up and put them in separate carriages. Mugsy. Mugsy! Yes,

my lord? Walk and step with me. No, you have to take bigger steps because my legs are longer than yours. I'm trying, my lord. Now listen step with me. No, you have to take bigger steps because my legs are longer than yours. I'm trying, my lord. Now listen, what I want to happen when they arrive at the castle is immediately get them as far apart from each other as you can. I'm talking, of course, about Coral and her father. I want him in the lowest part of the dungeon in a nice comfortable room, of course. We can't have her thinking that he's our actual prisoner and her somewhere high up in a nice, comfortable room, of course. We can't have her thinking that he's our actual prisoner. And her somewhere high up in a tower, okay?

And make sure that it is very difficult for them to see each other frequently, if ever. Such a cool idea, my lord. I love it. Oh, if I didn't have to talk to you, I wouldn't. Oh, and can you make another appointment with Tangerine, please?

Pencil her in for my 2.30 tomorrow Oh, wait, that's when I'm going to see the dentist Sometime in the afternoon, though, please I can't believe this is happening You wouldn't even let me ride with my dad I know, I know My God, my God, I know This is not okay

It's not okay But, you know what? At least we have each other You know, Your dad's alive And your home is wherever he is And wherever I am It'll be okay Because we've got each other

That's right That's all that matters Dad's alive I'll never see Anson again But I'll be able to talk about how much I miss him And you can help me remember him. We can talk about how many times we had that week we spent together because I'm afraid I'll forget some of the things that happened if I don't have you to remind me. I'm so glad I have you to remind

me of all of my wonderful memories of Hanson. I'll remember your memories and I'll tell them back to you like little stories as you go to sleep. I love your stories. It's going to be okay. I'll tell you stories, all the stories you want. And you'll sing to me? Oh, little star. I'll be out right now. Okay. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, for sure. As they are leaving Costanza Cove, waves come crashing over and swallow the entire cove whole. Lachlan was indeed magic in keeping Costanza Cove safe. Prince Cicero walks just outside the castle grounds to a hollowed-out apple tree that has a little chimney of smoke coming out of the top. Come now, Mugsy, make haste. We're almost there. I can hear her singing one of her silly little songs to herself.

It's okay to be alone. It's okay to be alone. Just doing gardening by yourself with your new bangs. It's okay to be alone. Between you and me, this one slaps. Our very own Tangerine Protuberance swings the door open and invites him in. Come in, come in. I don't want people seeing you in that chin outside of my house. What do you think they're going to think? I think that they'll think, wow, Tangerine finally made a friend.

I can't believe it. Okay, you're welcome for helping you win that chariot race by cheating. Hip-hop hippopotamus? No, I was going to win that race all on my own, and I know that in my heart of hearts to be true. You said it, my lord. You said it. No, Mugsy, no.

I don't need you coming in to save me. The last thing you're even capable of is bailing me out of a situation yeah what he said no he doesn't get it i apologize on behalf of you two are incredibly codependent do you know that this relationship is weird to see well it's no weirder than your relationship with your bangs they frame my face beautifully. I have a heart shaped face and that hurt my feelings. What sort did you comment about my chin?

Okay, okay. We're even. Why are you here? I thought you were inviting me in. Only begrudgingly, I have a lot to do today. Do you smell these pies? It smells amazing in here, my lord. I cannot lie. Mugsy, get it together, man. You're drooling on my work boots.

Ah, well, yes, may we come in? If you must, if you must. Have a seat. Cicero enters. He takes a look about the place. He picks up one of the apple pies, kind of smells it, and then takes a little slice and backhands it to Mugsy. Okay, absolutely rude to not let me serve you.

Well, let's remember who's prince and who serves who generally. Oh, wow. Okay, let's remember who has a connection to nature, magic, the stars, who has any real talent in the room. Okay, okay, we could do this pissing contest all day until the room's brimming with piss. But neither of us have the time for that. What I need from you is to make it so that Coral can never take off her crown. So that she can never go back to just being one of the normal people.

She'll have to remain my queen forever. In fact, I'd love it if she ever did try to take it off. She'd die. Does that work? Now you're talking. A royal with their life at stake? You're speaking my language. Absolutely.

So we are going to need that thing to stay hard on her head if it comes off even an inch immediate death you had me at one inch hard on you know what listen i will do this for you but i want something in return okay go on if i do this for you you will also let me increase the size of your enormous butt chin by 20 20 increased to my chin that's something I would have wanted on my own. I'd love to increase the prominence of my chin. Yeah, right, my lord. Mugsy.

I can't with you. And I toss Mugsy into a pie? Oh, thank you, my lord. Actually, now that you mention it, you know, talking creatures, I did have one more thing maybe as a bonus you could throw in there. A bonus? Yeah, just a little bonus gift for moi.

It would really help me out if you made it so that hedgehogs can't talk. That, my friend, is a humongous spell to make a whole class of animal... You're gonna have to give me something really good. That's going to take my whole afternoon.

Well, what is it that you want? Let me think. Let me think. Let me think. I've got this list on the wall of things I most want. I already got the bangs, so it's not that. Can I take the chin up to 30? Chin up to 30%?

It would be my pleasure. And I want a wintertide card with your face on the front. Full chin, okay? I want to see it, and I'm going to put it up. I'll have my portraitist draw it up in time for the holiday. Perfect. And write happy wintertide on the chin, if you would. There's going to be plenty of room.

Okay. And I like blue, if you could do any sort of border. Tangerine! Okay, get out. Okay, goodbye. All right, goodbye. Come on, Muggsy. Another day to get through.

Well, let's make it a good one, right, Pep? Pep? Peppa? Peppa, I said let's make it a good one, right? You always say, like you know we always do. What are you, did you lose your voice? What's happening? This isn't funny. Pepa is sitting on the windowsill, back facing Coral, and he turns around and looks at her with sad eyes. What's wrong? What happened? Tell me. Tell me what happened so I can help fix it. He opens his mouth and nothing comes out. Peppa? Peppa? Later that day, they are going on

some sort of like diplomatic journey. Her crown is permanently stuck to her purse and she either has to be holding it or it's on top of her head. And she is walking out the castle doors and is being greeted by Prince Cicero. Ah, my beautiful Coral. Oh, save it. Are you excited for dinner, my love? No, I'm not. I'm not excited for dinner. I'm not excited about anything. Oh, yes, that makes sense. I did hear, you know, of course, everyone heard about that strange magic that's happened where, you know, hedgehogs can no longer speak.

I want you to know that we're going to get to the bottom of it, and I have my best men working on it as we speak to find a solution. Pepper starts winding up his fist. You see, he's still in there. No magic can take away his heart or his soul or his thoughts. You just took away his voice, and I know it was you. I know somehow it was you. Oh, I wouldn't. I wouldn't dare. Oh, we can talk about this after dinner, of course, my love.

And I know what will cheer you up. Here comes our new chauffeur just around the corner to pick us up. And I went out of my way to find the second fastest driver in all the land. Now, of course, you won't be able to speak with him and you won't be able to make eye contact because he is the help and that is the custom. But it is good to know that we're in such capable hands. And Coral looks up and sees a familiar midnight blue coat

with the coastline of Costanza Cove on it. Years pass of Coral staring at the golden waves on the midnight blue jacket. Her homesickness for the seaside town is all-consuming, but doesn't compare to the homesickness she has for Hansen. Decades pass, and all the medicine for the disease is gone. Coral is dying from the same disease that took her father's life in her canopy bed. A young girl with puffy eyes who is nervously twisting her hands walks in the room. Mom? Mom? Oh, sweet Chalice. Chalice, come here. Come to my bedside, would you? Okay.

Don't get too close. I don't want you to get any of these snowflakes on you. My darling, I don't know how much longer I have. Don't say stuff like that. No, believe me, I've seen what this disease does. I lost my own father to it, your grandfather, who of course you never had the chance to meet. I just, I need you to know something. I need you to remember this. I know you're so young now, and it's not something you may be thinking about for quite some time, but I need you to promise me something. Can you do that? Sure. Can you promise me that no matter what's happening,

no matter what someone tells you has to happen in order for other people to be happy, basically what I'm saying is don't let anyone trick you into marrying for anything other than love. And if it's love, it's not a trick. Does that make sense? Yeah, so like what you did, like when you married Dad? Oh, darling, I really hope that by now you've figured out that I utterly loathe your father. Oh, gosh. Okay, I thought so.

I thought so. Yes, I mean, I tried for a while to be classy about it, but, like, he's so awful. Anyway, I don't want to waste my breath talking about him. I've given too much of my life already. I want you to promise me that you'll marry for love. I will. And I want you to see the world. I don't want you to be trapped here.

I want you to know that riches don't matter. Money and status, none of that matters. It's not worth anything. You have to follow your passion. You have to follow love. You have to see the world. You have to meet friends that you trust. i need you to be able to leave here and i want you to know that when i die you will inherit this crown and it will feel so heavy on your head but darling there is a

way i have a little bit of magic and it will shrink down the crown to a ring which will allow you to leave this place and never come back and always make the choices you know I would be proud of you for making. For love, darling. For love. And Chalice nods her head and then they hear like a rustling by the window and they turn and they see a bouquet of purple peri petals on the windowsill. And the little note on it says, I love you, I'll see you soon. H. Chalice runs over, reads the note to her mother and says, Mom, who are these from?

Mom? Now Peppa doesn't have his companion anymore. So he curls up right next to her in the crook of her neck where he spent his whole life with her and closes his eyes as well chalice wakes up with a start, covered in sweat. It is the middle of the night, the night before her wedding to Jalper. She can see the silhouette of her wedding dress hanging in the window. I f***ed up. I got a lot of bows.

I'm not sure that that's going to be great for crab's hard shell. Shoot it into its mouth. Don't listen to me. Maybe, though. I mean... Pepper, what you got? What's Pepper bringing to the table? I got a satchel.

Ooh, a satchel! A bag! I just decided. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Of course, this episode was DM'd by our very own, the immensely talented Aaron Keefe. Arnie Pera wrote the theme song, story concept by Aaron Keefe, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And we were of course joined by the wickedly talented, the queen of our hearts, Janet Varney. I highly recommend checking out both of Janet's other podcasts, The JV Club, where Janet celebrates adolescent awkwardness and explores the phenomenon of adult lessons with amazing guests.

guests. You should also check out Avatar Breathing the Elements, where you can join host Janet Varney, the voice of Korra of course, and Dante Bosco, the voice of Prince Zuko, each week as they rewatch every episode of Avatar The Last Airbender, then break down key themes, notable battles, and behind-the-scenes trivia you can't get

anywhere else. If you want to keep up with the sitcom D&D gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomD&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D&D. Also, we did it. We hit 500 patrons. Thanks so much to everyone who has joined and supports the show. And we should have a very exciting Patreon stretch goal to announce in the near future. So stay tuned. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the

show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 40 hours of content, 40, over, instantly, including the newly released Lost One Shot. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is New Year Reflections, where myself, Aaron, Waleed, and Elizabeth share some of our best and worst New Year's Eve experiences from the past. I consider it a must listen. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday.

Thanks, as always, for listening. That was a Hate Gum podcast.