SitcomD&D - S2 E21: The Wedding, Part 1

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

The gang prepares for Chalice's royal wedding to Prince Jalpert but struggle to have the day live up to Chalice's newly discovered idea of perfect.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by Waleed Mansour & Sean Coyle Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I'm not very happy with you right now. Elizabeth and I are in our first big fight. Yay! No, Willie, that's a bad thing. Oh. I'm mad at Elizabeth because at our party, I kept trying to take a lovely photo

with my near and dear friend, Elizabeth Andrews. Her and I are very close. Yes. And every time we tried to do it, I would pose so cute. And then she would grab my wrist and pull it over her throat and pretend I was choking her. And so now we have a hundred Polaroids of me choking Elizabeth. And guess who fell for it every time? Me. I fell for it. And I'm sorry, but I did. I did fall for it. I guess I'm just not sure what else you expected. but I did. I did fall for it. I guess I'm just not sure what else you expected. My memory kept

resetting like a goldfish and I was like, this time she won't. This time she wants to take a good one. And I gotta be honest, every time, I genuinely was about to do a good one. And then there was like this animal instinct

would like click in the moment the person was about to press the button and I would just immediately make her look like she was choking me. And it's so funny. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D. A finale episode. Yeah! Part one of two.

And just as a refresher, Sitcom D&D, we are a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. And today is a big day. It's the evening before Chalice's wedding, so we are returning to Jalpert's home and Chalice's kingdom to be, Two Tree Hill. We push through a sprawling city perched high above the ground, embedded in the massive trees of the Westwood. But even in this forest of enormous trees, two trees in particular stand out as giants among giants. Two trees, in particular, stand out as giants among giants. And once again, we see that entrenched in the Venn diagram of the two enormous trees' branches rests the beautiful palace of Two Tree Hill. A kingdom so beautiful, it looks like the trees grew it themselves.

We move through an open, elegant window of the palace and into a large, ornate oak panel dining room bursting with activity. Servants are moving with elegant certainty, bringing plates of food to this crowded table of 20 for Chalice's rehearsal dinner. Seated at the head of the table is Chalpert and his wife-to-be, Chalice. We push in on Chalice as she politely reacts to the onslaught of compliments and excited pleasantries thrown at her from different sides of the table. And as the jubilant conversations of the 19 people around her start to transition into an incomprehensible buzz, Chalice feels a hand gently rest on top of hers. She looks up to see Jalbert's smiling face.

And will pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling! Dice! It's an easy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends. We'll see you next time. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Hey, everything okay, honey? Uh, yeah, yes, yes. Thank you for marrying me. Sorry, I just did a little... That hasn't happened yet. Yeah, um, sorry, I'm a little little... That hasn't happened yet. Yeah.

Sorry, I'm a little disoriented. This came up, like, fast. I know we sort of talked about it all season long, but, like, it's still, like, this is jarring that this is, like, happening, happening. It's just... I got some normal jitters. I know, I know.

For what it's worth, I think this is all a bit overwhelming, too. What with this being our wedding, as well as our coronation. And then, you know, my 70th birthday tomorrow. It is a lot to say the least. Right, your birthday. And I got you something.

It's just going to take a long time to get here with the mail. Oh, you didn't have to get me anything. All I want is your, I mean, eternal love. Is that too much to ask for? Right. And I'm so excited to marry you so you don't die or whatever from the curse. What was that? Thank you for marrying

me. Thank you for marrying me. I know there's a lot going on, but there's one thing I'm sure about and it's the love that I have for you, Jalis. Aww. I know we've spent a lot of time apart, you know, since our engagement. Heck, if people were somehow

able to listen in to our relationship, I'm sure there would be times where they forgot I existed altogether. Which is why I'm so excited for us to finally move into Two Tree Hill and start the rest of our lives here together.

Mm-hmm. You're so cute our lives here together. Mm-hmm. You're so cute when you do that. Mm-hmm. Beef wedges a chair in between Jalpert and a chalice, and he hops up and he clinks a glass. Heree, heree, daddy beef would like to... Heree, heree. Heree, heree.

Heree. Beef, do you mean heree, heree? Heree, heree, clinking a glass. No. Daddy beef would like to take a little moment to say, what a special day this is. Our beautiful chalice and our gorgeous chalper are getting ready to wed. And, you know, I don't want to make this about me or anything, but I was famous and am.

Still, don't listen to anybody. I am. was famous and am still don't let don't listen to anybody i am and money be coming in like like big old droves of uh wheelbarrows and i was sitting on this pile of cash and one day i thought to myself beef why don't you pay for your girl's wedding so the reason why you're eating mush and the beauty around us is because Beefy boy Daddy beef took care of it And he puts a hand on Chalice's shoulder I thought you were going to get us better food

Chip This is the good food Hear he Chip hear he he's making a speech Hear he hear he I hear he Anyway I put my hand on the child's shoulder and i look right into her eyes and i say honey daddy never thought that i'd see you uh get married but um

what is happening i'm so proud of you daddy pays for what girl girl wants so everyone eat up your mush and um i can't wait to walk my girl down the aisle here you hear you what thank you daddy oh that does not get easier to hear uh what we're doing speeches uh this is seb here i own the business that one of these two little birds, lovebirds, works at. And I just wanted to let everyone know that we are in the worst drought that Two Tree Hill has ever seen. So maybe we should turn to your left, turn to your right, and blow out a candle. Because this thing's going to go up in flames if we don't do something now. Jennifer is tugging at my shoulder, telling me to stop. No, but I want to talk about it.

Stop, no. You're ruining the moment. Thank you, Seb. Thank you, Seb. Thank you. In this moment, I'm going to have three rolls happen. Seb and Beef, why don't you roll for performance? And then Chip, why don't you roll for perception?

That's a 19 plus five. Yeah, it crushed. That felt like a 19 plus five. Yeah, it crushed. That felt like a 19 plus five. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's crying. Not a dry tear in the eyes. In the face. Well, mine was a 10 minus one.

So how does a nine do? Not great, but you can blame it on Jennifer. She was pretty distracting. Shut up, Seb. They need to know. All right, everybody. This need to know. All right. Everybody. This thing is just one freaking candle tipping over from just 11. After you kind of zoned out for a second, when your focus came back, you looked up and to your surprise, you were unknowingly

staring at Chalice and the two of you were making eye contact. And now it's turned into excruciatingly painful eye contact between the two of you. Chip is deciding whether or not to wave at this point because maybe that'll break the tension. Chalice is also deciding whether or not to wave. They're both just sort of... Beef climbs up onto the table and gets into their stair view and waves at Chip. Hey, man! I'm at the top of the table, man!

Seb kind of floats in the other way and just starts waving at Chalice. He goes, hey, I'm also on top of the table and did you hear what I said about, you know, forest fires and we are in a tree? Jennifer peeks up out of your pocket right in front of your nose. Hi, Chip.

Oh, hey. Hey. Oh, happy birthday. I mean. Day two. The whole table starts singing happy birthday. And they're all creating towards the name and they don't know who it's going to be. And everyone's looking from their left to right to see if they know who the person is whose birthday it is.

Happy birthday, dear. Hey, dear. Come from Swamp Guy. Oh, it's Jalpert's tomorrow. Happy birthday, babe. Oh, yeah, Jalpert's tomorrow. That's right. That's right.

Jalpert. No, no, no. Come on, everybody. My birthday's tomorrow. Today, it's about me and Chalice. Well, and tomorrow. Well, and tomorrow. It's about me and Chalice.

And he gives Chalice a kiss on the cheek. And Chip, you avoid looking at that. And as you look to your left, you see an empty seat and a name card resting on a clean plate that reads Alberta, Toronto. You stare down at the plate until you feel a nudge on your right side. Sitting next to you for this dinner was a princess from a

nearby kingdom who's a large worm. Her name is... I like how you said that. Her name is Kitey Loom. Yes! And she leans over to you, Chip, and she goes, Are you going to drink that?

Well, no, I'm not going to drink it, but if you could avoid drinking it, just in case my lady arrives. Great. So how do you know the bride and groom? Oh, I'm actually in love with... I mean, I'm actually best friends with the bride. She's one of my best friends, actually.

Oh. And who are you in love with? Well, my girlfriend, who is real, and I'm sure she'll be here any second. She had to travel all the way from niles all the way to fraser so you know it's a long journey totally you want to make out what you want to make out with my girlfriend yeah of course did you mean with you yeah with me kylie um yeah i'm actually taken uh how do you how do you know the bride and or groom um well i'm actually in love with um i mean i'm best friends with well just some of the other princesses here really but um yeah it's kind of like more of a formality we get invited because we're royals from like adjacent kingdoms. So, Oh, you're royalty. Yes. Royal,

please. Uh, pardon the phrase. Um, yeah, I'm a princess. What phrase was I supposed to pardon? Royal,

please. Oh, okay. Okay. Um, well that, that's cool. Uh,

maybe I'll see you out on the dance floor at some point. Shake your mouth. Um, yeah, yeah. You know, I like to get down, and as does my crew. I'm sure we'll get down and we'll see you out there on opposite sides of the dance floor. That sounds great. Chip, did you say get down?

Is there a hawk? Wait, everybody on the ground. He said get down. Get down. And as Sab yells that, someone actually enters the room. One of the servers who's been waiting on you guys, they come in and actually discreetly hand a letter to Chip. Oh, okay. Chip takes a letter.

Thank you, sir. Oh, discreetly. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. No problem, sir. It was marked most urgent. Got it to you as quickly as I could. Oh, well, thank you. No problem, sir. It was marked most urgent. Got it to you as quickly as I could. Oh, well, thank you. Here's your tip. Noggy on the head, pat on the bum, shove him away. This is the custom.

Thank you, sir. Beef and Chalice just watched him touch that employee on the butt and are just aghast. And Beef realizes he's dressed like all the servers and the butlers. Oh my god, you're dressed just like them, Beef. Chip opens the letter.

Oh! What? No! No! No! I look over at my comrades. No! Oh man! Oh gosh, what's wrong? Everything okay? Yeah, are the hawks invisible? I look over at my comrades. No! Oh, man! Oh, gosh. What's wrong?

What happened? Everything okay? Yeah, are the hawks invisible? Albert is not coming. Oh, shoot. Oh, we're still doing that? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Why can't she make it, Chip?

I think she got a flat tire or something. I don't know. She says that she's not going to be here. Oh, I was going to finally meet her, and you guys are all going to meet her. Oh, man. But now you guys aren't ever going to meet her, see that she's real. It's like you could have told this to Jowis before the dinner table was set and she paid for all this stuff more like daddy beef yeah daddy beef's got it so jennifer don't worry about it oh man i'm sorry chip you were really looking forward to meeting her for the

first time at chalice's wedding yeah i know and you guys were all going to see her and, you know, be able to like tell that she's tangible. You know what I mean? Yes, tangible. Girlfriend. I'm just glad he didn't bring like a mannequin or something to this. Do you know what I mean? This is better than what I thought. Yeah, girl. I thought, I was for sure thought he was going to be dragging a mannequin. As you are whispering, Droot taps his glass. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, I know we've had some great speeches.

One like a 25, the other like a 10. But I'd like to follow up with something, some words of my own on behalf of Jalpert. You see, Jalpert is the closest thing I have to a son. Sad. Sad. Sorry. What was that? Nothing. Sorry, nothing.

And I'm just so proud of him and Chalice. Chalice, I must thank you because, well, I've never seen Jalpert so happy. Sad. Have you ever, has anyone here ever seen a guy more in love? Look at him. Chalpert looks, he's just beaming, and he's beaming at Chalice, and he looks so happy. But the happiest of us all will be me

after your coronation when I can retire from this stewardship. And that joke crushes. He's got a role for that. Yeah, he's got a role for that. A role for that. crushes. He's got a role for that. Yeah, he's got a role for that. Yeah, man. Role for that. All right. Fair is fair.

Do your job for it. And don't lie. It's not my joke. It's Shrewd's joke, all right? Don't lie about it, man. It's Shrewd's joke, okay? You didn't even get his name right. You don't even know.

No, we hurt Sean's feelings by not laughing at this joke. You should have laughed. He did. In your face, Rolophore. It's silent. Oh, no. So, please. He, like, awkwardly recovers.

Raise your glasses and join me in a toast. Thank you all, friends, family, and visiting royalty from nearby kingdoms for being here to celebrate this momentous occasion. To Jalbert and Chalice! Hear he, hear he! Can Chip duck out of this thing? He's having a hard time with it all. You're going to try to sneak out without anyone noticing?

Yeah, just too much going on in his heart and emotions. You know. Do a little stealth roll. Don't want nobody to see me. Sad. Even sadder, he rolls a four. Oh, no. So Chip, trying to scoot his butt out of his chair,

he does so successfully without making too much noise. Then he exhales, feels like, okay, there's no attention on me. Turns to the side, and as he goes to exit, part of the tablecloth got hooked on his belt, and he pulls the entire tablecloth off the table with him trying to leave. Oh, no. Oh, no, not the mush. Not the mush. Oh, shit.

Oh, God, the candles. This thing is a tinderbox. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll be back in a sec.

Sorry. You're going to leave? I have to poop. Oh. Oh. Not a big one. Beef. Tell me how it is after.

I need to know. Can you guys stop yelling this? And Jalpert stands up and goes, Well, I've had about enough excitement for one day as it is anyways. Why don't we just call it a night? Get a great headstart on tomorrow. I couldn't be more excited. Thank you all for coming. I'll see you tomorrow. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge?

Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective.

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. We cut to that night as you're all getting ready for bed. This, you know, Two Tree Hill, it's a fancy palace. You've all got your own rooms that come off a hallway. So, there's kind of a commotion happening in the hallway. Everyone's kind of saying their goodnights to each

other. And in the hallway, Jalpert is also speaking with Chalice. Well, it is tradition to not sleep in the same bed the night before. Good night. Yeah, you're right.

Let's not have anything be too crazy tonight because tomorrow I just want it to, you know, I want to ache for you. Oh, God. No boinking there. Yeah, good night night good night and jelpert starts walking backwards still making eye contact with you chalice and he's kind of blowing kisses with each step backwards then he turns and bumps the doorknob with his butt and oh gets startles himself blows you one more kiss and then closes door. Chip was like watching all of that while he was saying goodnight to Beef, and he was like, all right, so there's like one swirly one and then one like really long piece,

and then just a couple little circles too. That's what my poop looked like. Thank you, and Beef's writing it down. Thank you. You gonna be okay, buddy? Yeah, I'll be okay. and then chip goes to his room as well and shuts the door and watches chalice go into her room seb man i don't know yeah so mine was mine came out of me with extreme force kind of look like and chalice goes to bed

just kind of bending on the porcelain why aren't you writing this down i gotta go to bed i'm going to bed too we're gonna follow chalice uh chalice you're now in your room chalice has like organized and reorganized all of her stuff for her wedding a million times and she has like she's sitting on her bed and she's fidgeting and she has a moment when she runs to the keyhole of her door she has this like subconscious inkling that she thinks maybe chip is going to come try to talk to her. So she keeps like sneaking up on the keyhole. Um,

and then she gives up after like an hour and then, uh, gets into her bed and goes to sleep. And when chalice falls asleep, she falls into a dream, a dream that is canonically episode 20. If you haven't listened to episode 20 yet, now's the time. And so after that dream reaches its end and Chalice awakes with a jolt, she finds herself in the early, early morning

or middle of the night before her wedding staring at her wedding dress in a pool of sweat. Oh, gosh. I messed up. I messed up. I messed up. F***. Okay.

Chalice gets out of her bed, and like always for any sort of thunderstorm or nightmare, she needs beef, and she needs beef now. So she puts her robe on, and she whips open her door and notices that Seb and Beef had made a little campsite outside of her door, sort of anticipating maybe any emotional needs. And they're sound asleep on the ground.

Do you trip over them? Yeah, I trip over them. And now I'm on my hands and knees in the hallway and I'm standing up and I'm brushing off and reorienting myself. Sabin B, why don't you roll for constitution to see if you wake up? I'm a full 20, baby.

Which means you're sound asleep. I'm a full 20, baby. Which means you're sound asleep. I'm a rock. I'm an 18, so I ain't going anywhere. We fell asleep, you know, wrestling. Yeah, important for people to know, Seb is the small spoon, little spoon, and Beef is the big spoon.

Everyone assumed. Oh yeah, we know. Oh yeah, oh yeah. But that commotion gets the attention of someone else who's in the hallway. Yeah, down the hall

is Chip who is trying to, you can tell he's trying to sneak down the hall, but he's also making some noise because he has his bed sheet tucked into his pants and he's like,

he's running into things down the hall. Chip? Huh? Oh! sheet tucked into his pants and he's like he's running into things down the hall chip huh uh oh happy wedding no what are you doing um uh i'm actually i actually have to go uh poop again and it's it's a long one this might be a day or 24-hour kind of thing. You know what I mean? Did you hear me come out of my room? Oh, my gosh. I'm so happy to see you. I just had a dream. Well, it was less like a dream and more like a memory.

And it was the last time I saw my mom. I know I told you about that once where I got called into her room. And then there was flowers on the windowsill. And that moment's always been really foggy to me. But I relived it like i saw it clearly like i remembered i remembered it now i'm just like what am i doing what am i like what am i supposed to be doing died what hedgehog died yeah the hedgehog died i know so sad unnecessarily sad ridiculously sad so sad and for what and for nothing uh so i'm like

what do i i'm just like feeling like i'm a little bit trapped and i don't i'm not 100 sure i know what to do next and wait what are you doing chas why don't you roll for perception 18 plus four yeah uh so you can see uh now that you know some of the sleep is coming out of your eyes uh and you're wrapping up filling chip in you kind of come to your senses a bit about your surroundings and see that chip is actually dressed to leave and and he has all his stuff packed with him and he looks like he's about to leave uh two tree hill chip what are you it's a bindle yeah it's a bindle are you sneaking out to buy me a present oh um in i'm in a sense i'm going um are you leaving i'm leaving yeah i'm leaving

um uh okay yeah that's super cool and chalice sarcastically steps out of the way and gives him a pat. Yeah, so good. All right. Have a great week, man. Okay, so I, well, I can't be here. It's not that I'm leaving, but I can't be here. You know what I mean? No, I actually don't know what you mean. Because a minute ago, I was talking to who I thought was my best friend in the whole world.

And he can easily leave when I need him the most. And so I actually don't know what you mean. I would never leave you in a moment like this. You are in my wedding tomorrow and you're leaving. Okay. I can't watch that and be by myself. Okay. You know, Alberta didn't show up.

Okay. And I can't. Alberta isn't real. I don't understand why you think that. For an entire season, we've been trying to be nice and maybe make fun of you sometimes, but she's not real. And I get it. I'm the bad guy for getting engaged.

Okay. But you know what? You haven't said anything and you haven't done anything. You want me to break up with her? No. Is that what you're saying? She doesn't exist. You can't break up with someone who doesn't exist, Chip.

I'm real and I am your friend. I exist and I am real, Chip. I am real. Well, today is going to be the happiest day of your life, whether or not I'm here. That doesn't matter whether or not I'm here. Okay. So I'm just, I, you know, you can be happy on your own. Okay.

You're going to end up married to the man of your dreams or whatever. And I'm going to, I don't need to be here for that to happen. It's going to happen whether or not I'm here. Right. Okay. Yeah. If you're so sure about everything,

if you have all the answers and you can just go, I don't even care. Go. You're, you're standing on my bed sheet. Go. You're standing. Chip unzips his pants and lets the bed sheet out of his pants.

Hey, Chip. Yeah? You're a bad friend, and I'm never going to forgive you for leaving. I think that's okay. And Chip walks away. And Jennifer peeks her head out of Seb's pocket and goes, Do you guys hear something?

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I up, shut up, shut up, shut up. I can see you guys are awake. I can see you're awake. And Chalice, like in a huff, gets back down on the ground with them and scooches herself in between their spooning and she

becomes the middle spoon and then she starts to cry. I was going to say, yeah, I'm always the little, so yeah, you're going to have to go in between. Yeah, we never try to be the little one. I hear you, Seb. Eventually, who knows at what hour, sleep finally finds all of you, even Chalice. butlers standing over you, all of you, four of you, with breakfast in bed or breakfast in the hallway floor is served.

Hey, what's up, dude? Thank you. Yeah, man. Thanks so much. I'm sorry. No, I asked for a very cold, cold breakfast, and I see steam coming off of this plate. So if you could make this breakfast cold, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you. Oh, you'd prefer that the eggs, the scrambled eggs here,

are cold? Yes, I want it all to be freezing. Thank you. You heard the bride, sir. You better get on that. Yes, right, at once. I'll take this back to the kitchen and cool it down. Run! He's blowing at it and running away. Sorry, guys. You're just my best friends and you deserve a perfect

breakfast on the perfect day. Well, I mean, you are the bride-to-be. It's about you. Yeah, it's about you. You better shape up. That was hideous. Yeah, if you want cold eggs, that man's going to get you cold eggs. Thanks, guys. Seb, your beard, has it always been lopsided?

What do you mean? Super asymmetrical. I just feel like for all the people painting us today. You're saying you want me to shave it? Yeah, and maybe your head too, just to be safe, right? And the eyebrows? Yeah, yeah, I think so. just to be safe, right? And the eyebrows? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Just to be safe. I love you so much. And we cut to inside Chalice's bed chambers. And now you're all getting set up in front of large standing mirrors in those fun haircut chairs.

And you're getting your nails done, as well as your hair and makeup. Chalice has a bunch of blue birds braiding her hair into a French, like a milkmaid braid and putting her veil in. She basically just has a lot of like, I mean, that's what you are when you're a princess and becoming a princess. Woodland creatures dress you. when you're a princess and becoming a princess. Woodland creatures dress you. So there's a bunch of woodland creatures putting Chalice's makeup on and doing her hair and stuff.

Is this a good challenge? Do you like this? Is this looking good? No. Start over. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay, come on, guys.

Work harder, please. Come on. Chalice, my girl. They've redone that 40 times already. Hey, Seb. Hey, Beef. Guess who I am. Guess who I am.

Oh, I'm so lame and selfish. I had to leave the wedding to go cry about my fake girlfriend. Who am I? Who am I? You're Chip. You're Chip. Yeah. so funny. I don't even need him here.

I don't like my attendance, and I just have three rats and a dachshund with an eye patch that are shaving my entire body. They're really rough, you guys. It's going to look great, Tab. Everything's going to be perfect, and you're going to look great, and everything's going to be perfect.

Perfect. I feel insane, but yeah, Chip, little piece of shit. Yeah, Chip leaving is the only thing that's going to go wrong today. The rest is going to be perfect. Say it with me, guys. Perfect. Jess, do you want to take one more look at what we did with your hair and makeup? Again.

Everything to Beef and Seb looks absolutely perfect. Jealous. I don't know how many times they're going to have to redo this. Everything, you look fantastic. Oh my God, are you in love with Jumper or something? Are you trying to sabotage the day? What is going on? No, I'm not in love with Jumper.

He's got, his chin is weird. Not to make this about me, but the dachshund just put on another eye patch and is attempting to shave my neck. I'm just like not feeling very safe right now. Okay, so I guess no one will look perfect today and Chalice like takes her haircut robe thing off and throws it on the ground.

All right, so we're all gonna look like. That's fine. Next thing, let's go and check and make sure everything else is in tip-top shape. Sure. Yes, yes, yes. Wait, where's Jennifer? I'm right here. Sorry.

A couple of these rats that were working on Seb were... I don't blame them, but they're kind of into me, I think. Is that right, girls? They don't really talk the same way that I do. But they're putting out a vibe. So I don't know. Maybe I'll catch up with them later at the party. And as you guys move into the main great hall where the

ceremony as well as the reception are set to take place, you walk in and you are overwhelmed with the beauty that is laid before you. There are enormous flower arrangements just hanging from the ceiling. Everywhere that you could imagine

someone would put a beautiful flower arrangement, they've done that times 10. And each arrangement in and of itself looks like it would have cost the equivalent of someone's entire wedding. And it's just bursting with beautiful colors and vibrancy, and it smells like you're walking into a jungle of gorgeous aromas. And it is potent.

It almost hits you as you walk in. Boo! Am I right, guys? Boo! Ugly, bad, boo! Beef looks at Seb and is like, Yeah, boo. Yeah.

What are they at? 99%? We want them at 100% for the ceremony. I don't know what to do. I don't know. Excuse me, anybody. This place is disgusting. Rearrange the flowers. Make them smell better. Anything you can do.

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry, Charles. Lord Severmore and Crumbs, your wedding planners, they sent us a letter saying that they've switched career paths and are now doing line dancing, so we're working with what we've got here, Charles.

I'm not mad at them. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at Beef. Beef, am mad at you. I'm not mad at Beef. Beef, am I mad at you? No, I don't think so. No? Not yet. Seb, hey, Seb, am I mad at you?

No, but I feel like you are. No, no, not mad. Jennifer, how about you? Am I mad at you? I think you're mad at me. Nope, not mad at anybody. I'm just a humble bride on her wedding day, trying to make up for the fact that one terrible thing has already gone wrong

and the rest has to go great or this is kind of a total wash. So not mad at you. You're great. You, you're cool. I like you. It's that this place smells and stinks and sucks. And that is my big major specific complaint about this place. Well, we can't have this place being stinky.

You over there and him over here, get those flowers from there over there. Come on, guys. Let's get this place tip-top shape. She's getting married today. Yeah, did somebody hide doo-doo crap in the HVAC system? We better redo a full inspection of all the HVAC systems. You heard them. They're paying us top dollar to do this ceremony and reception.

Let's start acting like it. Full inspection. And everyone starts bustling in different directions. Also, Chalice, maybe it's time that you look at the guest seating for approval. I don't know if we got final approval on the seating arrangements. Let me see. Nope. And Chalice sort of shakes it like an Etch-a-Sketch that you're trying to arrange.

And now everyone's sitting at a different seat. All right, that'll do. That'll be good. Next. Okay, well, you're sitting in the kitchen now. I don't know if that, he kind of mumbles as he's like moving along. Great, great. Sounds good.

Can't wait. Looking forward to it. SEP, get over here. We need to cheer her up ASAP. A-S-A-P-P. Because she is going, she's going down a bad hole. So, I have no idea where Chip went. I don't know what he's doing.

But let's freaking fix this, okay? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. One question. Do I look like the Geico gecko with no hair? You are freaking me out. Yeah, yeah. You look like... Great, awesome.

You're slipping slide all over. But back to Chalice. Back to Chalice. Let's fix her. Hey, Chalice, my girl. I actually wanted to show you the choir that I have set up for you for your special day. Oh, awesome. I bet it's perfect. Better be. Better be. And it is.

All right, boys and girls, come on in. And it's, if you recall, it's all of Chip's cousins and relatives. Hey, what's going on, party people? Good thing the turd licker isn't here. I mean, Chip, boo. Yeah, boo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little children's choir I got here for you.

Okay, kids, you ready? Big song. Let's start with the intro. One, two, one, two, three, four. And stop. Hey, kids. And Chalice goes like it leans down on her knees. You're going to have to find a different dream.

I'm not saying that you can't be in the arts one day, but I am saying that singing is not for you. Thanks for coming by, though. So sweet. And have a great rest of your day. You don't want us to sing at your wedding? No. You heard her, you little s***.

Get the f*** out of here now. I will burn you in this tinderbox of a treehouse. I don't want to see your faces here anymore. Not on the day of my daughter's wedding. Not on the day of my daughter's wedding. Everybody won! Everybody won! I'm sorry about that, Chellis.

I don't know what I was thinking. That was more of a joke. Honestly, that was more of a... Hey, Chalice, what's that in the sky? Is that a tickle hawk? And I just start trying to tickle Chalice. And this is 15 minutes of Seb doing this and Chalice is looking at him deadpan. This is frightening.

This is scary. She's not blinking. She's not blinking. Hi, guys. Chalice, down here, Jennifer, talking to you. I know I'll get you excited. Maybe if you just taste a little bit of the food we have prepared for you tonight. Okay, here comes the tickle hawk.

Right to your mouth. She's not opening her mouth or blinking. Chalice opens her mouth just a little bit, takes a little bit of food, and then spits it across the room. Do you like it? No. Well, I didn't even make it.

I just paid for it with Beef's money. So maybe I'll make a pot of orange or something. I'm on it. Don't worry. Don't get mad. I'm not mad. I'm not mad at anybody. I'm not mad at or something I'm on it, don't worry Don't get mad I'm not mad, I'm not mad at anybody I'm not mad at you, I'm not mad at you I'm just going to go upstairs

And I'm going to put on my dress And we're going to get today over with That's the can-do attitude A bride could have The best bride could have I'm going to kill Chip I'm going to kill Chip The best bride could have. I'm going to kill Chip. I'm going to kill Chip.

We cut to Chalice entering her bedroom. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm happy and I'm going to. And then Chalice runs back over to the keyhole to see if Chip's there. She keeps doing that. She looks out the window. He's going to come back.

He's going to come back. It's okay. It's cool. He's going to come back. Maybe he'll object. It keeps doing that. She looks out the window. He's gonna come back. He's gonna come back. It's okay. It's cool. He's gonna come back. Maybe he'll object. It'll be good. It'll be fine. Everything's gonna be fine. And Chalice looks at her dress and thinks of her mom and then doesn't even look at herself in the mirror and just sighs and zips herself up into her own dress.

Chalice, we're all in the hall and we're all in the hall and we're ready for the first look if you want. Yeah, whatever. She said, yeah, whatever, guys. She's coming out. Oh, okay, good, good, good.

Hey. Hey. And then Chalice comes out and gives a little shrug. You look beautiful. Beautiful. Holy Toledo. I'm sorry, guys.

I've been yelling at you all day. I shouldn't be yelling at the friends who stayed. I'm just so sad, and I'm so mad at Chip. Okay, not at us. Not at us. No, I've been terrible today. I'm not proud of who I've been. It's a nightmare.

Daddy B, thank you for paying for everything. And Seb, thank you for paying for everything and seb thank you for holding everything together i would be nowhere without you and jennifer i love you thank god you're here oh man that was nice to hear well chalice we just want you to know that no matter what happens we're we're right behind you whatever whatever decision you make we are right behind you. Whatever decision you make, we're right behind you, okay? So maybe if you don't want to. All right, let's get this day over with.

Okay, all right. Okay, yeah, I was going to do more or less the same thing. We cut to a back room that leads into the great hall where chalice you are in your wedding dress waiting to walk down the aisle the only other person in there with you right now is beef and you start to hear the choir who's left from the choir which is just about four really brave young kids who decided to stick it out. They start singing, and that's the cue to start walking down the aisle for Chalice. Hey, Chalice? Yeah, Beef?

You really do look the most beautiful you've ever looked. Beef, that's so sweet, and thank you for running and apologizing to those kids for me. I think they're wonderful. I don't know why I said that to them. They're all assholes. They're all assholes. They're all paid actors. I had to pay them droves of money.

Don't worry about it. Okay. Um, I'm really glad that you're here with me. I love you. I love you. I love you too. I know that Chip he wanted to be he really did want to be here. I know he did.

He had to have. Yeah, right. It's fine. I'm not close with my dad. I don't get along with him. He's a bad dad. Oh, he's here? No, no, no, of course not. Um, I'm just really glad that you are here instead.

Hey, Chels, you don't have to do this. I really do, though, Beef. I really do. Hey, not, I mean, take your time, but um, three of the four kids have passed out from holding that last note, so it's getting, becoming a dire situation out there.

Okay, we're coming. Coming, coming, coming. The kid's turning purple. But as you walk, it is a really nice grace note. And Chalice, with Beef on your arm, the two of you look at each other, nod, and start to step down the aisle. Can I say that Beef's wearing stilts so that he is the same height as... Oh my God, how dare you. Almost his chalice.

Now, does he wear pants that go down past the stilts so it looks like legs? Yes. So it looks like he's really tall. Now that that's settled, you're making your way down the aisle, and chalice, you wipe your tear, you look up,

and you make eye contact with Seb, who's officiating the wedding. He's holding his leather-bound book and smiling back at you. You look to the right, and standing there is Jalper, just sobbing. And not in like a romantic cute way, he's like kind of wailing. Whoa! This guy aches for you don't forget about that beef don't even so yeah as the handoff is happening jalper comes down to shake beef's hand as his tradition and i'm gonna roll for intimidation Sean which is a 14 plus 5 so he's like you know wiping some of the

tears from his face and shakes your hand and then he goes to pull the handshake away and you grip it even tighter and pull him in close and he takes a full step forward not intentionally if you hurt my daughter i will find you and i will kill you i thought you guys were friends i'm not on the day of my daughter's wedding i'll kill you uh of course of course i'm not gonna hurt her thanks daddy beef and then he

kisses he kisses him on the cheek and he hands chice over. And he gives Chalice one look like, you say the word, and this whole thing's over. She winks at Beef, and then the only reason Chalice is able to step forward at all is because Seb's there. How about that drive-in? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking. Well, let's roll with the joke.

Let's roll with the joke. Nat 20, Nat 20, Nat 20, Nat 20. It's a 19 minus one. Still pretty good. That's pretty good. So the joke goes over really, really well. It completely alleviates any tension that was in the room from the audience perspective. Everyone bursts into laughter.

I had a lot written out on paper that I wanted to say, and it made me think, you know, on paper, these two should be together. On paper, they will be married today. On paper. But love is so much more than just paper, huh? Sorry, pods, that was kind of, that was supposed to be my next one. So I'm going to roll with disadvantage on that. And I botch.

So all the good favor you had one in the room uh has dissipated and everyone's now very on edge okay so maybe uh um i've known chalice for a while she showed up at my bar um sort of dressed kind of like just like this this. And I remember thinking, I don't know about her, but here we are all this time later and there's not a person that I care more for in this world. Not even Beef. Just kidding.

As much as Beef. During this, Chalice is looking over at where Chip is supposed to be standing. And originally, I was going to have Beef come back up here and read from Corinthians, but I'm not going to have Beef do that because Beef just doesn't want to. Anyways, I'm kind of... I think I've vamped for enough. Jalpert. Vamped?

Wasn't that supposed to be a speech? Okay, fine. You want me to keep going? I'll keep going. No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. You said you were doing so good.

I love you. This is great. I'll leave. I look like a freaking gecko up here. I swear to God, I tried to lick my own eyeball because it was dry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I told you I wanted to read the corinthians i love the corinthians the corinthians are my guys i love

the corinthians and i love it why did you why aren't we reading corinthians right now you guys seb just move on with it okay okay okay jowper jowper jowper yes yes yes sad virgin jowper uh Jalpert Jalpert Jalpert Jalpert Sad virgin Jalpert Excuse me Sorry nothing Do you take My good friend Chalice and if you do anything To her I will I will kill you again after beef is done

To have and to hold To be married to In sickness and in health If you are to have her, say I do. I do. He's looking right at Chalice's eyes, but her eyes are kind of elsewhere. Chalice, you don't have to say I do just because he did. Do you have and to hold?

Do you have and hold this guy, Jalpert, in sickness and in health? If so, say, I do or do not. I... I... Um... I... I do. Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parr wrote the theme song, Story Concept, by me and Waleed Mansour, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. If you want to keep up with the gang

and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd. That's sitcom, and then the letters D-N-D. Also, we did it! We hit 500 patrons. Thank you so much to everyone who has joined and supports the show.

And we should have a very exciting Patreon stretch goal to announce in the near future, so stay tuned! The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 40 hours of content instantly, including the newly released Lost One-Shot. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is Chips Flips. In Chip's second in-universe show, Chip and his sidekick jennifer help a couple in france

turn their home from drab to fab in hopes of making an enormous profit so sign up for our patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom dnd and get in on the fun okay i think that's it for now until next tuesday and thanks as always always, for listening. Good job, Scott. Thank you, baby. Thank you, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.