SitcomD&D - S2 E22: The Wedding, Part 2

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

After realizing the error of his ways, Chip enlists the help of a few, eccentric characters in order to get back to Chalice & Jalpert’s wedding before the knot is tied and it’s too late!  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by Waleed Mansour & Sean Coyle Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. What's up, you guys? What do you mean, what's up? We just recorded a whole season of sitcom D&D. We're exhausted. Yeah, if you guys didn't know, we record all these back-to-back-to-back. So this was recorded months ago,

and we just recorded 21 episodes before this and can we please sleep sean please not until the season's wrapped i haven't seen my kids i'm dehydrated and i haven't seen elizabeth's kids where are they who's taking care of them Yeah, I'm live! Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Y'all, we did it. This is the finale of the season finale. That's right, it's season two finale part two.

Oh, yeah. High fives. High fives. High fives. So I take you now back in time. That's right. We're going back in time to the morning of Chalice's wedding. But this time around, we're going to follow Chip. Now, if you recall, Chip departed Two Tree Hill in the middle of the night.

And since then, he has now ventured all the way to the other side of the kingdom. But he's not alone. In fact, he's riding in a crowded wagon pulled by a team of horses. And on the side of this wagon is a painted advertisement that reads, Celebrity Folk Hero Tours. And even though this is something Chip has wanted to do for years, he's having a tough time enjoying the experience. He's got a lot on his mind. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding,

and we're rolling! Snaps! Finale. Finale part two. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peaf at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away,

we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant.

And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. The crowded wagon that you're on, Chip, it comes to a halt. And everyone kind of jostles in the wagon. And the driver yells out toostles in the wagon and the driver yells out to the back of the wagon. Alright, you lot.

This is the last stop of the tour. After this, we turn around and make a straight shot back to base. Now, before I let you out for the last stop, have we had a good time on the tour today? Yeah, I guess so so everyone else cheered the person next to you just kind of like shot you kind of a weird look and uh the driver continues on we got to see the field where mini marvin the gnome bested a giant in hand-to-hand combat. The cave with a sorceress, Klassandra, bested 1,000 terrors.

And, of course, Notre Dame Stadium, where the last play of the game was a sack by Rudy Rudiger. But this spot, this last one, well, now it's more infamous than famous these days. This is, of course, the spot where the terrible dragon Dioxide was thought to be slain. However, that turned out to be a big bloody lie. It's cost me a fortune personally, because it was one of the main attractions of the tour. But c'est la vie. The waterfall is still lovely and worth taking a peek. All right, out with all of you then, out with all of you. People start to shuffle out. Hey, hey, you.

This is where, well, this is where I lied about killing somebody. Will you stop shaking my child? Did I just hear it was you? Yeah, it's me, Chip Ahoy. You owe me a lot of money. What? Making up a lie like that. That was the most profitable part of the trip, and now nobody wants to really sign up as much anymore.

I only do one tool a day now. Okay, so I owe you money for helping you make money for years? F*** you. He spits in your face. Everyone, back on! Back on! Wait, what? Everyone is like, yeah, we don't want to check this out anyways. They start shuffling back on to the security.

No, it's cool. I'll reenact it. Not so fast. You're not going anywhere. You're not getting back on here. I just need to have you killed. Well, can I just, I'll sit in the back or right on top or something. You'll sit on the ground.

And then he pushes you and the kid that you were shaking before is behind you and tabletops you. Oh, shit. Look, Dad. I got a seat. Really great. And then they get back on the wagon and shock! And the wagon takes off way faster than Chip can run.

Oh! Okay. I'm here. I may as well try and take in the spot where my best friend in the entire world died. I was going to say, you're taking, you know, being in a very traumatic place very well. Let's not judge how other people deal with trauma, okay? Let's just... My bad, my bad, my bad. Yes, okay, we're all learning something.

Okay, I drop down onto my knees and, okay, we're all learning something. Okay, I drop down onto my knees and I start scraping a sign into the ground. Here is where the greatest dragon, Brandon, gave his life so that his best friend Chip could be a hero that everybody, everybody everywhere always knew about and didn't not know about and so Chip after you scribble that sign into the ground you notice that there's two little feet standing next to you

next to your knees with a body connected or just the feet alright I follow the feet to see if they go past the ankle they don't but you look just to the right of that and there's a guy who has two walking sticks with very real looking feet attached to them that he's using to walk very long distances. Oh, my God. You startled me.

You startled me. I was just trying to read this lovely sign. It seems like it was dedicated from a friend to a friend. Yeah, I wrote that about my best friend, Brandon. He actually passed away here. And thank you for considering these words in the dirt a sign. I appreciate that. That's what a sign is!

Words on the ground! What is your name, sir? My name is Chris Ovens. Yay! Yay! Okay. Thank God.

Oh, I'm so glad that it is that. Nice to meet you, Chris. I'm Chip Ahoy. You probably have... Oh, you've heard of me? I heard about the controversy. I don't know if you're the same gentleman. Yeah, that's me.

Yeah. So your best friend died died doing what oh well he died you know well he actually died fighting for love which is very honorable and then i kind of finished him off but in a nice way where he actually oh i know about getting finished off in a nice way. Chris, that'll take a turn. Oh, you meant something different. I'm sorry. I interrupted. Yeah, I actually ended up being the one that killed him,

but he did it to help honor me and help me become the folk hero that I thought I was for years. Wow. Sounds like a great friend. Yeah, he was. I'm sure after that, you know, you never let another friend down again, right? I'm sorry. Chris, who are you? I'm just, uh, I'm a wayward traveler, you know, caught up with wanderlust, just looking

for a little piece of magic that I get on the open road. Yeah, you just cut me real deep just now because I literally just abandoned my friend. Oh, well, then I don't really want to associate with you. Oh, you can't help me get, I got to get to this wedding. I have to get to a wedding. Do you fly or anything? Do you have or anything? Do you have any magical powers that could zap me there?

Magical powers that can zap you there? That'd be insane. All I've got are my two walking sticks that I put realistic-looking feet on the bottoms of. And do those help you go faster? They just help keep me steady. Okay, I steal them from him. Hey! Do a strength check. 15.

Yeah, those come right out of his hands. And you realize that his hands actually weren't his hands. He was grabbing onto little hand things. So those slip right through his grip and now you've got these two wooden poles with hands attached to them with feet at the bottom.

Okay, that's just good old-fashioned fun, Sean. At the end of the day, we're just having fun, huh? So they're poles with hands on one side and feet on the other? I hope these exist in real life. These are amazing. We've got to make them. We have to make them. That's merch.

Such expensive merch. So you are hightailing it basically in whatever direction you want to be going. Chip is on the move. Chip is mobile. Yeah, can I get a... Should I roll to see if I have a sense of what direction I'm going in? Sure, yeah. I'll do nature.

Okay, 14. Okay, with a 14, you're not exactly sure, but you're looking at the sun and it's still really early in the morning and you know the general direction you need to head. And you also know which way to get to a main road that spans across the entire kingdom. Okay, I run over to that road as fast as I can, four feet at a time, four hands at a time. And I try and with the hands at the end of my sticks, I try and flag down a wagon. I'm going to have you roll a D6. This is in a very, very remote area.

And so whatever you roll is going to be how many hours pass before you see anybody. Oh, man. Three. So three hours pass where you see anybody. Oh, man. Three. So three hours pass where you see nobody, and you're going pretty quick. That's three hours of moving about as quick as you can. I'm going to say that you suffer one level of exhaustion. So at this point, you're going to have disadvantage on ability checks. Oh, my God.

Okay. The stakes are high. After those three hours, though, through those heat waves off of the road, you're seeing a huge gathering and applause, with multiple wagons creating a circle just off the side of the road. Okay, I approach. And as you approach, you see that a performance has just finished its finale. And there's a leader of this group of players and performers

who's making their final announcement now. Would you like to describe what this character looks like? Yeah. So this character is obviously a former child star. Just kind of has that look about them. Deep sadness behind the eyes. Deep. Kind of just eyes are sinking that look about them. Deep sadness behind the eyes. Deep. Kind of just eyes are sinking back in the head.

Has an awful toupee that kind of looks like weird owl's hair. So more of a wig than a toupee. And then portly little elf. And when I say elf, I mean more of the Keebler variety. Wears a beret. Has a shirt that is more or less a corporate polo that says, Swisher presents the horny baby players. This former star teaches corporate improv classes.

The seminar is called Stop Mumbling or I'll Hit You With My Cane, level one. And he only wears sketcher shape-ups. Yes, sketcher shape ups yes sketcher shape ups you better believe i run that crew like a navy and you can tell just from the way that i look all right let's pack up we got a wedding reception in two tree hill and we need to get there now don't want to hit you with my cane whoa whoa hey hey hey did you say you're going to a wedding yes it's only kind of our biggest grossing it's apparently there's like some star that is just kind of written a blank check to performers all over the place to kind of come to this wedding that's beef that's my friend beef! Okay, well, anyways,

it's a lot of gold in the old pockets, all right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually want to go to the wedding, too. Can I come with you? And I'm not trying to stop it or anything, if that's what you're wondering. I'm going to tell you what my catchphrase was in the commercial that I played

when I was just a kid that made me taste stardom. And I'm going to tell you that one time. Ew, dog poop. And that's what I think about you. Dog poop. Okay, it sounds like we're coming to a compromise. I spit on him. Okay, I'm going to be honest.

I am trying to stop this wedding. He's already walked away. I can't hear you. Okay, he's plugging his ears, screaming, I can't hear you. That's very immature. Can I try and... So it's a bunch of little horny babies? I'm sorry.

What am I? Elves of the Keebler variety, okay? But you did say horny babies at one point, right? That's just the name of the ensemble. Think Herald Team name or something like that. How do you know? Come on. Get your mind out of the

gutter, Waleed. It's all little babies. Whoa, that's going to be weird on a re-lesson knowing that Waleed was picturing a bunch of horny babies the whole time. I want to dress up like a horny baby. Just for fun? And not the kind that you're thinking about. I mean one of the members of this troop.

Now, does Chip travel with a disguise kit? I know the wig wagon isn't anywhere nearby. Are you going to have to like steal supplies from them to do this? I mean, I assume that not only does this leader wear a toupee and a beret, but I assume maybe some other members of the cast also wear a wig and a beret as well. A lot of people are wearing certain hats, can't quite tell if they're berets, and they have long weird owl hair, can't quite tell if they're wigs or if they're real, but you get a certain sense of what the aesthetic is. Okay, I'd like to try and sneak up behind one of these Keebler elves and steal their weird owl wig and toupee off of their head, and steal their weird owl wig and toupee off of their head, hoping that it is just a hair slash hat piece.

Okay, and is there a certain one that you are targeting? I guess the biggest one, but they're all just little elves. Yeah. Besides the leader. I'm not trying to go after swishers. Okay, okay. Gotcha. There is one that is the biggest of the bunch that is kind of off to the side, trying to tug a really big case onto one of the wagons in the caravan.

Okay. I'll let you know right now. If I am successfully able to take this off their head, I am also going to want to shove this elf into the case and pretend to be this elf. Oh, with disadvantage, I rolled a 22. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. So before this little horny baby knows what's going on, the wig gets ripped off their head

and they get shoved into the big box of props and whatnot. And the lock gets clamped down. And what do you do next, Chip? Hey, sorry about that. What's your name? What's my name? Yeah, yeah. What's your name?

Let me out. Let me out. Okay. Thank you. No, come on. That's like a 1920s bit. We just got out of it. Hey, everybody. Come on. That's like a 1920s bit. Hey, everybody.

Just getting into the wagon. Go and I walk onto the wagon. Now, are you just going to try to sneak on? Are you trying to deceive people? Oh, definitely deceive. I fully believe that I am hiding perfectly as let me out. Okay, cool. Now, there's many wagons in this caravan as they're about to get onto the road. Is there a certain one that you want to target that maybe? Yeah, of course. I have full faith in myself, so I want to get into the one with

Swisher. This is the lead wagon. And as you go to enter, Swisher is at the front. Almost like if it was a bus, you know, he's standing right at the entrance for where people walk on and enter the wagon. Hey, just getting on the caravan. Great show, by the way.

Great show. Zip. Zip. Zip. Is my name Zip or is he doing the sound effects? Zip. Oh, zap.

Zap. There we go. Jeez. I was about to hit you with my cane. Oh, thank God I listened to the Beef's Improv episodes. And zap. That was fun, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, that was a blast.

Honestly, it's my favorite part of doing warm-ups. And warm-downs. You got to stretch out. Yes, yes, warm-downs. After you're done or else you'll pull a muscle. All right. Yes. Did I ever tell you about that time that I went to the wintertide,

uh, uh, the wintertide, uh, party for Mr. Marvin shorts. Uh, you probably know him.

He's in a lot of, uh, feature films. Um, and, uh, I do know him, but would you like to tell me his entire backstory

while we take a ride to the castle? Okay, so he grew up in a country called Canada. So Canada is quite, quite cold, and they love a game where there's a little puck. The wagon takes off. You guys start moving. Chip, why don't you roll a D4 to see how much time passes?

Okay. Two hours. Another two hours pass. We're getting closer and closer to the time that you know the ceremony is for Chalice's wedding. Okay. Swisher's still talking and telling stories

from his own past now. It's turned into Swisher's still talking and telling stories from his own past now. It's turned into Swisher's highs and lows of his performing career. The director put an ice cream cone on my head and said, you're not a kid anymore. You're 47. Yeah, I love recapping improv shows. It's so funny to tell people what happened. Don't interrupt me.

Wait. Who are you? Who am I? I'm, let me out. I'm Alamo. I'm Elmo. I'm Elmo. Chip, why don't you roll for deception here? Yeah. With disadvantage. Okay.

Got exhausted from listening to him. I tell that to him. I got exhausted from listening to you. That's why I only rolled a four. I don't know an Elmo. Wait a second. He's been talking to this guy for two hours. I told you things

I never told a therapist. Who are you? If you don't get me to this wedding, I'm going to tell everybody. I'm going to tell your wife about the guy that you slept with the other night. That's fine. We're amicably divorced. You shouldn't refer to her as your wife. Well, we have

a great relationship. Don't make this about me. Let's make this about you. You're getting out of here, kid. I'm going to scrape you off, dog poo. I guess I'd like to try to take control of the wagon or something. Okay. There's one person who has the reins of this particular wagon,

and you can try to roll a strength check to take over for them. With disadvantage of 13. They're pretty strong. They grab your hand as you're trying to do it, and you probably would have won the reins ultimately however it seems like swisher has gotten the rest of the wagon again you pick the front one a really crowded one everyone knows you're an imposter now and an entire group of people are now grabbing you and throw chip off of the wagon i was just doing character. Isn't that what you guys like? No, we like

dedicated, grounded improv and we spit on him. And the caravan leaves Chip in the dust. No! No! Oh my god, she's gonna get married. She doesn't love this guy. Oh my god! And as the dust

clears from where you just hit the road, you see a figure, a shadow in the dust. Elizabeth, if you would be so kind, could you describe what character Waleed sees? You see a wizard with peg legs with human feet at the bottom of them. And peg arms with human feet at the bottom of them. And peg arms with human hands. And a beautiful hair that goes into their glasses.

Like their hair is their glasses and their glasses is their hair. Whoa. Yeah. Are there lenses? Yeah, they're glasses, man. That are hair, That are hair. That are hair.

Yeah, anything else? And I'm wearing a cool robe. You specifically mentioned the peg leg and the peg arms. Is the robe short enough that I can see the peg leg and the peg arms? Absolutely. It's cut like three quarters, like khakis and a three quarter length shirt. So it's like not even to my wrists. So you can see the wood meet the hand, meet the foot.

And it's disturbing. Oh, sir. Hello. Or ma'am. Person. Hey, hi. Hi there. First of all, I'd like to start off with an apology i apologize if these walking sticks that i have are offensive to you in any way whatsoever they were not meant to be

those aren't yours those aren't your hands no those are oh sorry i roll up my sleeves no those are not my hands those are the hands that i hold oh my god i've never met someone like you before hello hi this sounds so crazy so silly um i have to go stop a wedding who well me i haven't i hadn't said the thing yet yeah hi hey hi hello i'm chip sure oh you sound skeptical are you lying to me no i'm not lying to you i i really i have to go stop a wedding um and it's not because i love her or anything it's just good well i love her as a friend maybe more and i just know that your mom no not my mom my mom is deceased oh my pardons not recently oh good thank god how long ago did your mom die well i think it was like

eight years ago maybe nine years ago you don't you don't have to investigate or anything she was sick who are you married you're not marrying your mom are you no i'm not marrying the corpse of my mom my one of my best friends in the world chalice, she's getting married, and I know she doesn't want to. I can just tell that's not really what she wants. Oh, no. Yeah, I know. Thank you. You've got to hurry.

What are you doing standing here talking to me? This is what I'm getting to. Can you, so far, can you help me get there? Why are you so far away from the wedding that you're going to oh that's a good question you're late the sun is says it's almost four the sun is saying a lot and it's saying it's almost the day's almost done you talk to the sun me and the sun are good buds right son and he winks up at the sun and the sun just looks like the normal sun and he goes ow yes so long story short uh my real girlfriend who's real she didn't show up to this wedding and it was it was kind of like

hard for me to go through with being at this wedding uh-huh while i was single and maybe at one point having had feelings for the bride you know what i mean oh my god yeah do i know what you mean i fall in love with brides all over the place with you do sure show me a bride and i'll fall in love with her you know what's crazy is if you're so far away then maybe i could get you where you need to go yes oh my god yes yes what sorry what is your name? My name? Well, that's the trick of the trade, my little riddle friend. If you can guess my name, first, middle, last, I'll blast you where you need to go. Are you serious? You'll blast me wherever I need to go? Yeah, but yeah.

Is it painful? No, no, no, not at all. You close your eyes and poof, you're there. You've got to answer one riddle. Oh my gosh, okay. What is my full name? God, Chalice is so good at riddles. If she were here, her and her two buds would be so good at solving these riddles.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. And where are you going again? I'm going to Two Tree Hill. What? Two Tree Hill. Yes? Two Tree Hill. Yes. That's your name? Yeah. Wait. Is that real?

Really? Yeah. What the f***? Yes, that's my name. Oh, great. Okay. No way. That's where you're going.

Yeah, that's your name also. Well, good. Well, you have to say it like my name. You can't say it like the place. Okay, I'm sorry. Two Tree Hill, can you please blast me? You have to say it like my name, not like the place. What does that mean?

This is the riddle, I guess. I guess figuring out your name was the easy part. Now I got to figure out how to say it? Okay. Well, man, you think you can just come waltzing down my road, saying my name? Uh, Mr. Hill, can you blast me where I need to go?

Sure. Oh, you just had to say Mr. Yeah, I decided a way back when that I'd blast you wherever you wanted to go. Oh, oh, wow. Uh, you can come with me if you want to there should be good food and there's gonna be an empty chair beside me is there gonna be ham there's gonna be some beef

uh beef that was it was a joke because you said is there gonna be ham so i said there is gonna be some beef and that's actually one of my best friends we're gonna fight you could fight you could fight that could be entertaining that you and beef fighting i think i think we would all love that yeah well enough talking frank let's get on out of here and he grabs him with his human hands and he twirls him around in a circle like they're dancing you know know the scene in Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio and Rose are dancing at the bottom of the boat. It's like that. Aww. Yeah. But they're screaming.

You said this wasn't going to be painful! I lied! Elizabeth, I'm going to have you roll a D100, and if it's under 43, there's going to be some sort of mishap. Okay, it's a 0, 5, and a 4. 45!

Oh! No mishap! So you blast and you arrive. However, you do take, because it was painful and it was close to being a mishap take 1d10 of force damage chip got seven damage and so as the dust clears you and mr treehill are standing on the outskirts of two treehill when you need to get to the palace and And the sun, it told Mr. Treehill, it's pretty much ceremony time. We're like counting the minutes.

And you're way far as far as not going to make it on foot right now. What a ride. And Mr. Hill takes out his cigarette and starts smoking it. That was nice. Thank you for getting us this close. I'm not going to say anything bad, but that's actually the castle all the way up there. Can we just like, can you poof us over there a little bit or sorry no can do i only get one teleportee a day oh oh well thank you for spending yours on me that was nice of you

yeah i gotta go back what i gotta walk back back it's my wife's birthday yeah she's gonna kill me she's gonna say you do this all the time you you forget and then you get you get distracted it's gonna be a bloodbath i'm so i truly i owe you one mr hill uh and anytime just go ahead and call for chip ahoy and i'm i'll be there whenever you need me i promise all right i'll hold you to that you sick son of a bitch oh okay yeah i well thank you again i give him a kiss on the mouth oh okay and then i slap him on the ass and i say hey good luck uh thanks getting married to a wife is a privilege and an honor okay now what i'm doing but and then he walks away i got yeah i gotta go no i gotta go oh i'm leaving on me too i have to go chip says out loud chip walks towards the castle mr hill's walking opposite back to where he came from. Do you think

our listeners would kill us if we followed him and saw his wife's reaction instead of finishing the episode? Not at all. I think they would love it, right? Heart pivot to Mr. Hill. Honey, I'm home. Where have you been?

Listen, I can explain. The party's already over. Dad, where were you? We never see the Bottoms Up crew again. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where

I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a

licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Chip starts running towards the castle but knowing that he's like

wants to be there faster, he sticks his stick out with the thumb up at the end trying to hitchhike a ride a wagon pulls up with prickly prambles driving it he is an absolutely jacked lion with a horseshoe mustache his mane and mustache have little bits of gray to show his age his beady eyes have a bit of a twinkle to them. He's wearing a t-shirt with the bard and the barbecues, which is a band he's been following for the last 20 years. He's a lone wolf, but instead of a wolf, he's a lion. Hey friend, do you need a ride? Oh my god, yes, absolutely, yes. If it's not too much trouble, can you get me to the palace?

I got to stop a wedding. Oh, yeah, I was headed that way anyway. No skin off my back. Come on my wagon, no worries. Yeah, Chip hops up. And do you mind stepping on it? I'll go quickly. I drive pretty fast.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by how quickly I drive. So, you're late to the wedding. pleasantly surprised by how quickly I drive. So, uh, you're late to the wedding. I'm pretty sure I heard the, the horn sounding off about it starting a couple minutes ago. The horn? There's a wedding horn? Yeah, of course. The wedding horn. Oh my gosh. Uh, I don't want to dump everything on you, but she's one of my best friends. She's not going to be happy if she gets married and I just got to stop the wedding. You know what I'm talking about about so i'm driving you to stop a wedding i've stopped a few weddings in my day what oh yeah i respect that i've stopped three weddings do you have any tips get there early and be ready because you could miss it i'd say get there as early as you can

is my biggest piece of advice you you under you? You know my situation right now, which is you've heard the horn go off. You know that I can't get there early. Right. I'd say don't show up in sort of a stressed tizzy. Make sure you're sort of calm and cool about the situation. You're looking at me right now. I'm trying my best. I guess maybe I could do some de-stressing exercises or something.

Do you have anything else? Hey, buddy, you asked. I don't know. Should we sing a song? Should we chill out? You gotta calm down if you're gonna gonna she doesn't want to cancel her wedding for a sweaty little mess like you gotta calm down okay you're right you're right do you have any songs by any do you have any favorite bands or anything do i have any favorite bands son I've been following the Bard and the Barbecues for 20 years at least. I'm sorry, I haven't heard of them. I want meat. I think it's great.

I want meat and I won't wait. Is that not ringing any bells? Not a bell, but it's great. It sounds lovely. I'll give you some merch if you want to. I love them. They're great. You push their merch? Yeah, I do It sounds lovely. Yeah, I'll give you some merch if you want to. I love them. They're great.

You push their merch? Yeah, I do. I have this fantasy that they'll see me out in the crowd, and one of them will get injured, and then I'll have to go up there and play an instrument, and they'll be like, wow, Brickley, you're good. You're good, man. And then I'll be in the band.

Oh, man, you must be so talented. What do you play? I don't. We're going to do another time jump. Roll a D6, but this time it'll be for minutes. Okay. Because the ceremony has already started at this point. Goddamn, six minutes.

Alright, we're pulling up now. And let me just quickly lock the doors. Lock the doors? Yeah, so that was a nice ride, huh? I got you here in one piece. Do you need a tip or something? Yeah, I'll take a tip. Hmm, about that payment.

Let's see. What do I want from you? Give me your ponytail. My what? I want your ponytail, son. But you have such luscious locks. Yeah, and actually, now that I'm looking at you, I want your teeth as well. What?

That would make a mighty fine necklace for old prickly prambles. You know I'm about to go stop this wedding if I don't have teeth. Or a ponytail. Okay, can we do a compromise? I'll give you my ponytail and one of these walking sticks? So stop this wedding. If I don't have teeth. Or a ponytail. Okay, can we do a compromise? I'll give you my ponytail and one of these walking sticks. No, I want both. And I want both walking sticks.

Those are sick. Okay, wait. So you want both walking sticks, my teeth, and my ponytail? Mm-hmm. Son, you could give them to me, or I could take him. I start to hand over one of the walking sticks and then I bash him in the face with it. Okay, roll an attack roll.

And you can treat that walking stick as if it were like a staff or another two-handed weapon. A 23. Oh! Oh yeah, that hits. Four damage. Ow! Son, what did you expect?

You got into a wagon with a hitchhiker. Of course you're going to have to pay with your ponytail or some teeth. This one's on you. And then he, let's see. I think he's going to use his claws. Oh. And he's going to scratch at Chip's face. Oh, no.

I rolled a nat 20. Oh. Uh-oh. What's the damage for those? Four. So it'll be eight damage. Chip's at one health point. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It's okay. Give me your teeth. I can't do the teeth uh but chip does because he just he needs to go and he needs to go quick he does take out uh his dagger and chops off his ponytail and throws it at this guy whoa and so when he's throwing this is the plan to throw it somewhere so that he can get away yeah throw it at his face uh because it looks like a little cat toy basically at this point. And then hopefully that'll distract the lion and then he can get away.

I think it will. We'll lead roll for the throw and the accuracy of that throw with an attack. 19. That little ponytail that looks a lot like a cat toy hits Prickly right on the nose. Prickly goes, meow, and then falls on his back and starts batting it like a cat toy very happily. Chip, what do you do? Well, he reaches for the lock to unlock it or whatever. However, it got locked in the first place.

He goes, unlock it. Why don't you roll for dexterity to figure out this mysterious lock? 14. Cool. That's enough enough it's a pretty simple lock it's basically the ones that would be on like the back of a gate so you just lift up that one little latch and then you push your way out and you are out of the carriage and what you see now is that you are basically yeah at the front steps of the palace it's just winding up one of the two trees of Two Tree Hill to get to the palace. So you're on the home stretch. Cool. So he's got to climb up all these stairs.

Yeah. All right. Chip jumps out, grabs his walking sticks, and starts climbing as fast as he possibly can. And roll a D4 to see how many minutes it takes you to get up the stairs. Come on, Seb. Vamp. Vamp, Seb.

Vamp. One. Only one. Oh, he is cruising. Chip, you make it to the double doors. What do you do? Chip sprints up. He throws the sticks.

He sprints up the rest of the way and stops right in front of the huge double doors. Takes a big deep breath and then kicks down the door and runs in. I object! Every head turns and looks at you. And Chalice is up front with Chalper holding his hands and Seb is looking at you and everyone is jaws dropped. Chalice, don't do this. Okay. You don't, I know you don't want to do this. I know that you want this to be your perfect day. And if you want this to be your perfect day,

you can't end up with Jalper. All right.'s not the one for you all right you guys aren't perfect together and you deserve somebody who makes it so that you're perfect with that person you know um and it's not Jalpert but that's you know that's my take on it all uh just one man just one man's opinion uh god he looks like shit. What the f*** happened to him? Yeah, huge claw mark on his face. His hair is cut. He's also still wearing a weird owl wig. In this moment, as Chip

finishes his objection, we're going to go back a couple minutes in time to what was happening inside the Great Hall during the ceremony just before Chip entered. So this is that. Chalice, you don't have to say I do just because he did. Do you have and hold this guy, Jalpert, in sickness and in health?

If so, say, I do or do not. I, I, um, I, I do have something I want to say. I don't want to marry you. I care about you so much. Sorry, everybody. I care about you so much, Delpert. I love you even but um i'm only i don't know what could have happened between us if we could have had a normal relationship but i only said yes because of a curse and you deserve better than that and i can't throw away my life just to keep you alive there has to be another way i can't marry you i'm so sorry chelsea what's hat what's happening what is going on a very small witch who i like kind of love but she's also the worst i don't know i have a lot of feelings about her but she told me that she would you would die midnight on your birthday if i didn't marry you and also like i don't know who i am yet i just started my journey of being

on my own. I don't want to turn out like my mom. That's the last thing she wanted for me. She wanted me to have a much bigger life. She wanted me to go on adventures. She wanted me to make friends. She wanted me to end up marrying my best friend. And you're just not my best friend, Jill, but I'm so, so sorry. You said a lot of stuff. Do you not love me? I do, but not like that. Not like in a romantic kind of love way. You deserve to have romantic love.

It's just not going to be from me. Okay. You're saying a lot of stuff. Am I going to die? Was that part of it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I object!

Well, Chip, thank you. I did just call off the wedding like five, four minutes ago, three minutes ago. So you had the right idea. I did. Yeah. So you're right. Same page.

You and me sometimes. yeah same page same yeah same page hate to interrupt am i gonna die is that what you said um yeah sorry i i would have dated you and i totally liked you but i said yes to marrying you because tangerine showed up and there's a curse on you and you'll die if you're not married by midnight tonight. And that's why I agreed to this in the first place. And now it all makes sense. Now it makes sense. I actually can do without the smugness of my friends.

Thank you very much. Can you all just calm down? Wrapping my brain. I was like, she hates this guy. I never see them kiss lips. Would she ever marry this guy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're just like always shaking hands ever marry this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're just like always shaking hands, and it's disturbing. Chip, before you got here, Jalper literally said to Jalus, I want to ache for you. Isn't that embarrassing? Yeah. I don't want to ache for her. I just do. And can we just take a time out? Guys, read the room, all right? This is supposed to be my wedding

Okay? Oh, and it's your birthday It's my birthday tomorrow And now I'm gonna die And I'm gonna die now Oh my god I need to make something clear, Chalice I would rather die than make you unhappy

Oh, you're really nice. That's actually really sweet. Oh, my God. I am scared and I don't want to die if that's possible. I just, no, but I don't want to make you unhappy. So I'll die. I'll die. No, no, we'll figure something out.

We're not giving up. Wait, how does he not die? How do we fix it? He just needs to marry a princess before midnight. We can find a princess. What about that worm? What about that worm you were sitting next to? Oh, yeah, there was that worm.

Hold on. You guys, you know what I just realized? You just absolutely humiliated him in front of everybody. Right before we have to get someone to agree to marry him. Build him up. Say nice things about him. Say nice things about him. Oh, my God. Are you serious? I someone to agree to marry him, build him up, say nice things about him, say nice things about him. Oh, my God. Are you serious?

I don't want to marry him now. I thought he was kind of cute before, but he's kind of pathetic-seeming now. No. He's pure. He's very pure. Yeah, pure beta. Okay. But isn't that nice? Very pure. Yeah, pure beta. Okay, well. But isn't that nice?

Isn't that kind of nice to have someone you can really tell what to do when they do it for you? Oh my God, the worm doesn't want to marry me? Chalice is going to go, wait, wait, I changed my mind. And she's going to dip kiss Jalpert on the mouth and go, oh my gosh, please don't marry anyone else. I realize I'm super duper jealous and I would be freaking out. Yes, of course.

Of course, Chalice. Oh, shit. I object. No, hold on. Do I have to roll for performance? What is happening? 15. Okay, that does get

Kitey Loom's attention as well. Just back off. He's mine. And she slugs over and knocks you out of the way with her head body. That's all one thing. And then knocks Chalice off Jalpert

and then starts kissing jelpert please be mine jelpert please tell me you're into this i mean i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little bit into this what i mean chalice i told you this in secret um sometimes but i had that fetish where i wanted you to you know get wrapped up in in a pillowcase like you were you know just kind of one big slug hey jalbert your parents are here in the front row just remember that there's your family your whole family all your cousins are here well it's not like chalice ever did it i mean we never got farther than kisses on the cheek only after a while uh chalice is closing it. I mean, we never got farther than kisses on the cheek, only after a while.

Chalice is closing her eyes, hoping that if she can't see everyone else, then they can't see her. You guys never kissed on the lips? We did. No, we kissed on the lips a couple times, but it kind of faded into... You faded into kissing on the cheek? Yeah, I guess it was more of a fade out then, in that case. Oh, God. But some of the best cheek kisses of my life.

I thought, I mean, Chalice, correct me if I'm wrong. Not the time, Jopper. Those are some spicy. Jopper, not the time. Okay. You're getting married. Seb, do your thing. Okay.

This is all going really fast. Can I just like have a second with Kitey for just, how's everybody doing tonight? Better with a little beer, huh? Yeah. Wait, roll for the joke. Roll for the joke. Roll for joke. So I rolled a 19.

Damn, Seb. That joke crushes. I'm back! Jalpert, something has come over his disposition since the kiss, and he looks pretty into this. He looks pretty excited about Kitee. He can't really hold her hand.

She doesn't really have appendages, so he's just kind of got his hands to the side of her worm body but they're staring at each other and it looks like chalice's performance definitely worked kylie's looking at jalpert and jalpert's looking at kylie and they look pretty happy right now okay well uh i guess we're we're off and running all right uh jal Jalper, do you have a ring or some sort of napkin ring that you can put around her body? Maybe this will work. And then he takes the 16 off the medallion

that he always wore from Chalice's Sweet 16 Party and just takes the necklace part of it, so not the medallion with the 16 just the chain and throws the 16 away and then puts it around kylie loom kylie do you take uh jowpert almost forgot his name uh jowpert uh to having to hold in sickness and and and in health till you are dead. If you consent, say I do. Definitely. If you consent, say I do.

I do. Thank you, thank you. And Jalper, this same shit I just said. Definitely. I'm not gonna ask again. I do. By the power invested in me by the Church of the Flying Star, I pronounce you... Is he vamping again? Is he waiting for someone else to object?

You guys don't have to do this. We want to. All right. I pronounce you man and wife. else to object? You guys don't have to do this. We want to. Alright, I pronounce you man and wife. Woo! Woo! What do we do next? You freaking smooch and everybody

close your eyes. Kitee, is it okay if I kiss you on the cheek? Try the lips. Oh my god, Yes, yes. Okay. And they kiss. My God.

This jumper guy's really into his worm. Beef, you're still technically best man of this thing. I am. I am. Oh, my God. This is a 40-minute kiss, by the way, that they're all just standing and watching. Yeah. Wow.

This will be. standing in the back seat. Yeah. Wow. This will be your wedding. And as that song kicks off from the children's choir,

everyone just immediately kind of floods the Great Hall from where they were like standing in rows and it now becomes like a de facto dance floor

and you're immediately kicked into the reception. There's a ton of fanfare. Everyone's drinking and cheersing and laughing, and everyone's so happy, including Jalpert's family, because, I mean, emotions were running high. He thought he was going to die.

Now he's going to live in a relationship that everyone really wasn't behind with Chalice. Most people could tell it was hollow, and now it seems like they might have found something real. And so there's just good vibes in the air. Why don't you guys roll for perception? Two. Three.

Eleven. Eighteen. Chip, you notice out of the corner of your eye, Jennifer is dancing with someone, and it's a human. She walks over, and she kind of leans in as she's dancing, and she goes, Chip, sorry, I know your date could make it, but mine finally showed.

And it's Gage. Hey, baby. What's up? Long time no see. And Chip sees Gage immediately throw a toothpick out of his mouth and quickly replace it. Oh, his little bow tie tattoo. Looks so good. Fits the occasion.

Oh, this? Gotta look nice for the ladies. You know what I mean, Chip? I love this. Congrats on the non-wedding, Chalice. Thanks, Jennifer. Chalice, Chalice. And Beef runs up and he's like, oh my god, I'm so

happy for you. Beef, I'm so sorry you ended up having to pay for a stranger's wedding. But it's beautiful and it's a great party. And between you and Kryptonite sponsoring the event, it is bizarre and awesome. I'm having a great time. Me too. As long as I get to take that ham home and do whatever the hell I want to it,

I don't care how much money it takes. I know you. I know where you're going to be. Yeah, you know. Seb keeps going under the limbo line over and over again. He keeps cutting people so he can keep limboing. Okay, these people suck at limbo. Hey, Seb.

I just... Yeah, what's up? I wanted to say that when I do get married one day for real, I hope you'll officiate again because i just think you're so funny and so great and i'm so glad to have you as a best friend i'm so glad to have you as a best friend yeah i'm i this could not have gone better um this i really felt like the crowd was eating out of my palm and i'm oh my god for sure really thrilled with the end result, which is that you didn't marry, oh, tip of my tongue, what's his name? Who knows?

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Love you, buddy. I'm going to go light a fire in this dry tree. I'll see you later. Love you. And with that, you all feel a tingling sensation as you level up to level three. I'm tingling my bingle.

Let's go. God. Whoa. But Chaus, why don't you roll for perception? Three. You can't find Chip anywhere in the party. You're looking around, and you don't see him anywhere. But you do know that there's a balcony

that comes off the Great Hall that kind of overlooks the entire kingdom. Cool, I'm going to go check there. And when you step outside, you notice that Chip is outside with his forearms resting on the railing, kind of looking out across the kingdom that is now in twilight. Thank God you're here. I've been looking for you. Yeah. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Congratulations. Thank you. There's two things I wanted to say. thank god you're here i've been looking for you yeah hey hey hey congratulations thank you uh there's two things i wanted to say uh one thank you so much for coming back i'm sorry i called you a bad friend i my feelings were just hurt and you really showed up for me today i'm sorry for leaving i shouldn't have done that i should have been here for you regardless whether or not i felt like this was the right thing for you and um so i'm sorry for leaving i i promise i won't do that again you're great and um and speaking of you being great what um i uh i was thinking about tangerine and this whole curse thing and i was thinking

about like sometimes she lies to mess with people, right? And when the day that we did that kissing booth, guess what I'm trying to say is like, some of her curses, what am I trying to say? I do think that sometimes she lies to try to mess with people. And I was thinking a way to mess with us

is to say that that kissing curse was fake when actually it was real. In which case that would mean that maybe our kiss, the one that you probably forgot about because it was so boring, but I thought that maybe... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comes to mind.

I don't know. I was just thinking if she wasn't lying, maybe what that would mean and if it was why you came back today a little bit. Oh, well, yeah. Here's the thing.

I've been telling people all day that I came back just as a friend, you know, because I just knew you were unhappy. And that's what I had been telling everybody today. Right, right. Yeah. So that's what I've been telling people. Oh, okay. So you think that maybe Tangerine.

Chip? Chip, is that you? Someone inside said that you might be Chip. Alberta? Yeah, that's me. I made it. F***ing what? Beef and Seb have been watching this whole interaction. Classic head stack. And their mouths are fully agape.

She's real? And she's hot? Holy s***. Ah! No! No! This will be... No, she can't be real.

She can't be real. This will be. No, it can't be real. I wish you hosted Hot Ones. I think you would do a much better job than Chris Evans. I think he does a great job, but I think Sean would fucking. Chris Evans. Wait, what is his name?

Sean Evans. It doesn't matter. Chris Ovens is a really funny character name sitcom dnd is comprised of elizabeth andrews ben briggs aaron keith waleed mansour and me sean coyle arnie parrot wrote the theme song story concept by me and waleed mansour and sean marg did the editing on this one this episode also featured guest cameos by Andrew Robinson as Gage and Ryan Asher as Alberto Toronto. With the end of season two, we've got a big merch announcement. That's right. You can head to tpublic.com slash sitcom D&D and get your hands on new character specific merch. Whether it's a Seb mug, a Jennifer sticker, a chalice tote bag, a chip magnet, or a beef shirt,

you can get yours now at tpublic.com slash sitcom D&D link in bio. If you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D and D. Also, we did it! We hit 500 patrons. Thanks so much to everyone who has joined and supports the show. Support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 40 hours of content instantly,

including the newly released Lost One-Shot. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats, this week's episode is How We Relax, an episode all about how the cast handles self-care. So light some candles and warm the bath because we are getting some much needed R&R on the Patreon this

week. Sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun! Okay! I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks as always for listening. Thanks.

You too. That was a HeadGum Podcast.