SitcomD&D - S2 E3: Inhumane Resources (w/ Maggie Winters)

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

Things finally get bad enough at the bar for the Kitchen Rats to call upon a Human Recourses representative (Maggie Winters).  Can HR solve ALL of Bottom’s Up’s interpersonal problems? Is she even going to try?   Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest: Maggie Winters Story Concept by: Erin Keif Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Outro Theme Cover by @HeyItsBertie on Twitter Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast they call it marry me chicken because it's so good you'll get someone to marry you you know what would be freaky if you put in an engagement ring inside of it and then to yourself choked and died on it yeah forget about it any other tiktok recipes that you tried yeah i tried the most horrible thing i've ever eaten which was which i'm gonna say it and you're gonna be like yeah that actually sounds horrible it was chicken in a crock pot with Olive Garden Italian dressing and cream cheese. And cream cheese.

Yay! And it was bad? What the hell? I took one bite and I said, this is disgusting. I'm dumping the entire crock pot out. I wasted hours of my life. Was that called divorce me chicken? Yes.

Yes. That was good. That was a good one. Welcome back to sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons and Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it. We're going to pick up Inside Bottoms Up where the bar is filled

with Beef's new fan base. He's just wrapped up the final song of his midday set, singing the last line that goes a little something like, If there's nobody, then I guess I'm alone. Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Which elicits a roar of applause and approval from the audience. And only after this roar dies down, do y'all hear a bell being frantically rung. Now, you all know that Jennifer installed this bell to indicate when there's an emergency actively going

down in the kitchen. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Maggie looks terrified. We scared our guest. I didn't know when it was coming. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up.

As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

and Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience What's all the ruckus about? I had a hot, hot crowd in my fingertips I had them in my palms Oh, was that bell not part of your act? That's the emergency bell. That means one of two things.

Jennifer has been defeated and is no longer queen of the rats. Or something bad has happened and we got to get over there, all right? Either way, I'd love to see it. Yeah, I'm sure this will be very entertaining if anything else. I'll just tell the crowd. I'm telling the crowd. I'll be to see it. Yeah, I'm sure this will be very entertaining, if anything else. I'll just tell the crowd. I'm telling the crowd. I'll be back at five. Y'all talk to each other if you want.

Did you just end your set? He has like a towel around his neck. Yes, I do. How many sets are you doing a day? Well, I'm benching 50, so we got all day. Oh, hello. When you all enter the kitchen, it becomes immediately clear that you all took too long to get there.

It looks like the aftermath of a war zone. There are still a few smaller active flames that groups of kitchen rats are struggling to put out. Large sections of the walls are black with smoke. Pots of orange have overflowed and exploded all over Leaving the room covered with chaotic streaks of sticky goop And small bandaged up rats are being carried out on tiny stretchers Made of chopsticks and napkins

Where were you, huh? I think we came pretty quickly, Jennifer. It's been less than a minute. What happened in here? I was ringing it for 30 minutes. What? Oh, we didn't hear you over Beef's singing. He did so good.

Oh, Beef's amazing sets. Yeah. You should have been out here listening. Yeah, jockstraps were flying onto the stage. It was incredible. It was really cool. Thanks, guys. All from one dude. I canck straps were flying onto the stage. It was incredible. It was really cool. Thanks, guys. All from one dude. I can't get caught up in the details. I freaking told you guys the kitchen can't

handle this much business. We're overworked and we're underpaid and that's when people get hurt. Changes need to be made around here. These tiny stretchers are so cute, you guys. They're adorable. It's hilarious. Also, we're not paying them, right?

Oh, God, no. No, no. Not even a little bit. That's a huge problem. Every time I go to talk to Seb about it, he says our salaries are frozen. What the f*** does that mean? Correction. Let me open the freezer.

There are five coins frozen in that block if you can get them out of there they're yours that's what i said they're frozen this is not sustainable and there's only been one day since we've had an injury in the a rat screams and falls off the shelf in the background and then jennifer sighs zero days without an injury What about those other guys in stretchers? Did those not count as injuries? Yeah, is this some sort of interactive theater piece? What's going on here? That's how bad it's been, you guys.

That doesn't even count. No, they don't even count as injuries based on our scale right now. That's how effed up everything is right now. Well, Jenny. What? Jennifer. Beef's like dabbing his forehead with his sweat towel. What do you propose we do? You were going to say dabbing. Beef is dabbing and going around in a circle and doing that thing, the

robot where you slap your hand and your elbow and it's going like this. And he's doing the robot. That's it. You guys left me no choice. The kitchen rats of Bottoms Up are now officially on strike. A bunch of the kitchen rats are somehow already picketing and blowing up an enormous inflatable rat right outside of Bottoms Up. Oh, no, it's scabby. They're wearing newsboy caps and yelling strike.

They look like the newsies. Jennifer, what if I just let you braid my hair, huh? Would that make you feel better? You could braid my hair. Absolutely not. You guys want to actually settle this? You want things to go back to normal? Maybe.

What? Oh my God. Well back to normal? Maybe. What? Oh my god. Well, here's an idea. First things first, hire a freaking HR person. And she storms off. Oh no. What does HR stand for? A horse wrangler. Is that horse wrangle?

No, wrangle starts with a W. What are you saying to me wrangle starts with a W. What are you saying to me? It starts with a W. Yeah, it's one of those. It's got to be for sure horse. Horse rescuer? Horse. A horse rider.

Oh, look at the little sign. It says rats all, folks. Oh, that's so cute. That is fun. That is really cute. Looking forward to more of these you know what guys I got a great idea let's go ask Google I think he's here

yeah yeah let's go ask yeah we slide on into the booth that Google has been drinking at what's up guys hey Mr. Jujul Google Googog we love your big glasses your big round glasses right in the center of your head are you guys goofing on me no we love your do glasses, your big round glasses right in the center of your head. Are you guys goofing on me?

No, we love your doodles. Google's doodles. We actually have a question for you. What does the letters HR mean to you? Are you sure you don't want to ask me? Jeeves, right here, you don't want to ask me? It's human resources. Shut up, Jeeves.

You're a pervert. I thought you died 15 years ago. You need to atone for your sins. Get out of this conversation. Oh, my God. And take Bing with you. Yeah, Bing, you bastard. I'm spitting on my own ground at you.

And your friend Yahoo, another known pervert. Those three total perverts walk out. And stay out. I hate those guys. I'm not sure I know what it is, but if you're feeling lucky, I mean, I just go with what he said, human resources. I think that sounds right, which is like, you know. You are so close to being useless, but this is our best bet.

So let's go ahead and go with it. We need a human resources person. And Mr. Google, where would you recommend we find someone like that? Well, there's that book over there that has a lot of local businesses. Hey, Google, Five best, top five best HR. I'm not really working right now. Okay, Google. Five

best HR. Google. Ointment. Ointment for chapped ass. Ointment for chapped ass. Step focus. Sorry, sorry, sorry. HR. HR person. top five. If I'm going to be able to do this simultaneously,

you guys are going to have to let me open multiple tabs at the bar, okay? All right, all right. Fine, fine, fine. It doesn't matter. Okay, so you get the information ultimately that you need from Google. Guys, also my Google thing went off. Oh, did it? I figured. Yeah. Guys, also my Google thing went off. Oh, did it? I figured.

Yeah, it did. They're listening. They're listening to us. And we are going to cut to the next morning at Bottoms Up. And Beef, Seb, Chip, Chalice, and Jennifer, you're all sitting on bar stools in a circle inside Bottoms Up, waiting for your first HR person to arrive and for your first ever HR meeting to begin. Beef, good call on us all wearing a tie.

I think we all look really professional right now. Yeah, but shouldn't we have gotten five different ties? We're all wearing the same tie. You're right. We probably should have all had five separate entity of ties. But this is kind of fun. We look like we're one entity. And then Jennifer is over there being a traitor.

That actually might be a bad look. Oh, okay. Or yellow. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. No, you're right. We're against her right now. Are you serious?

Oh, my God. I cannot wait for this meeting to start. There's going to be a lot of changes around here, I hope. You see the door to Bottoms Up come open and in steps your new HR person. And Maggie, would you like to describe what your character looks like? Yes, she is human because she's human resources. She is six foot eight. She is very, very plain looking.

She's wearing a tight bun on her, like a lower bun. She's in a suit, like a dress suit. She has little kitten heels. And she has just like one of the most plain faces you've ever seen. You're kind of like, what? Is that a face?

Like just kind of boring. But also she's so tall that you're looking up and you're like, huh? What is up there? I mean, on a checklist, that works. I guess so. Seb, introduce us.

Oh, hey, I am the business owner. No, I am. No, i am first first first things first i am first oh sorry sorry sorry yeah i'm sandra doorknob and i am and i am your hr person right correct yes or no yes yes ma'am yes ma'am is correct yes ma'am all at once yes ma'am

and we're all saluting her we've got a lot of work already hi Sandra Beef steps forward my name is Beef And then he dabs Beef

Beef Okay We'll work on that And the rest of you My name is Chalice Glass As you probably know I used to be a Princess And I'm very dignified and fancy and good at stuff So I'll sort of just be observing here There's nothing I need to be a princess. And I'm very dignified and fancy and good at stuff.

So I'll sort of just be observing here. There's nothing I need to change. Thank you. Oh, interesting. I got to take a quick note. She's writing so much on her notepad. Yeah, that's a long note, but it's fast. Whoa.

The only word I saw was pathological. Oh my God. Are you serious? And who are you? I use Wild Shape and I turn into a cute little kitten with just two of the wettest, gooiest little eyes. And I go, I'm Seb and I kind of own this business. Well, Seb, you're getting your eye goo all over the chairs.

Fuck. Oh God. Immediately turned back into a human and it's extremely, extremely painful. Hi, I am Chip Ahoy. You may have heard of me. Okay. Don't say

the thing about the dragon. See, here's the thing. I did the thing where you get swallowed by a dragon, you burst your way out killing it. Don't mention your fake girlfriend. I don't read. Well, I do read, and I actually read letters from my girlfriend, who's real, and she's from, well, her name's Alberta, Toronto.

Oh, my fucking God. Alberta, Toronto? Yeah, she's real. I went to school with her. What? Whoa! No. No way.

I went to school with an Alberta Toronto and she was extremely depressed. Oh, that's not her. My girlfriend actually is. She used to walk down the hall saying, I would date the floor if I could. No, that's definitely not her. There must be a different one.

Well, we're getting off track, and this is part of the issue. This is Jennifer the rat. She's the reason why you're here in the first place because she's a traitor. Jennifer? What? Okay. Yes, i am here representing those nearly 1 000 rats out there protesting for a better work life situation okay and that is why i'm here okay all right today we're going to implement an hr department at bottoms up and we are going to

solidify rules and someone fall asleep no no no i'm awake i'm awake everyone better stay awake we're going to talk about compensation employee benefits and workplace safety okay wow seb you need to sign this really quick as the owner. Should I read it? Nope. Okay. And we're done. Great.

And what you just signed has given me full authority to hire and fire anyone, including all of you. Oh, fuck me. No. Seb. What? It takes two seconds to read something.

It was only two sentences. And I looked her dead in the eyes and I asked, those really kind of, those eyes where you go, yeah, I guess those are eyes. And she said, no, you don't have to read it. What was I supposed to do? First lesson of HR, read the papers. Oh, beef is screwed.

Yeah, Miss Sandra, is it Miss Sandra or Mrs. Sandra? Beef is screwed. Yeah. Miss Sandra. Is it Miss Sandra or Mrs. Sandra? It's ma'am. It's ma'am Sandra. Ma'am Sandra? Yes. If you can't read... Then you're fired. Absolutely fired.

I can read. So can you read? I can. I can read so can you read can you i can't i can't i can't okay roll for deception roll for deception 19 19 all right you seem like you have good eyes so i'm gonna keep i'm gonna keep this going okay a beef does a discreet dab okay so what was rule number one? Read stuff. Read the papers. And now rule number two is you need to air your grievances.

We love it here. No complaints from us or Jennifer. I think everything's in tip-top shape. I've got some shit that I want to say but for sure I want to say some big ass stuff. Just not really in front of everyone.

No, say it. Say it. If you want to say it. Say it to my face. Say it to my face. We're all holding each other back from fighting. We're holding the tie. We're all holding the tie back and then all trying to go forward. Well, Seb, I know you've got shit to say.

Seb's got shit to say. Why don't you say it in front of everyone? Okay, fine. Yeah, Seb, let's go. Sometimes I like my coworkers too much to a point where I really think we're a successful family. No, no, no.

What? Come on. I'm very close to firing you. Very close to firing you. It's my bar. Listen, I could come up. I am about to. I have problems with all of you immediately. Oh, God.

Immediately looking at you. We've made no mistakes. Okay. Okay, fake girlfriend that I did go to high school with. God. Roasted. I have. Okay.

Beef. Your name is Beef. Oh, no. That's the grievance? Yes. That's absolutely. Wow. All right.

That's fair. That's fair. She got me. She got me. She got me. Chalice. Yes. Is that how you say your name, honey? Yeah.

My name is Chalice. Why are you crying? Ma'am, Sandra, are you scared? Why are you crying? Because I like to play the victim. Yes, exactly. Thank you, ma'am, Sandra, for the fearless feedback. Chip. Yeah. thank you ma'am sandra for the fearless feedback chip yeah you got a chip on your shoulder i'll tell you that oh oh i should i was saving okay that was a joke for everyone to laugh at

silence silence silence stab Seb. Please pass. You run a bar. Yeah. It seems like you run a garbage can. Oh, God. Do you get what I'm saying? That was the worst one yet. This is like all of it I have.

And Jennifer, your voice is horrible. What? Like in general? In general, I wish you couldn't talk. Oh, wow. Shit. That was really easy, you see? Yeah, I'd like to be able to have a moment one-on-one with you. I actually, I would feel safer if everything that was said next

was not in front of the whole group. Yeah, seconded. Okay, okay. We can have one-on-ones, but you have to be honest with me, okay? Yeah, but none of us are going to say anything similar to what ma'am said, right? I'm not going to say anything that's too bad about anybody, I swear. Yeah, we all swear, right? Yeah, yeah, no one's going to say anything bad.

Yeah, I swear. I love you guys. I truly love you guys. Who wants to go first? No nose. Nope. No nose. Nose, nose.

Nose goes. Chip, looks like you're up. It's always me. I always forget to do it. Come on in, Chip. We're going to sit behind the bar on the floor do you want us to like leave the bar area then no i want you to cover your ears oh is that okay i'm doorknob okay jennifer covers her ears for sure yeah can you also tell them to close their eyes because I

often speak a lot with my hand gestures yeah one second can you guys close your eyes also what ma'am doorknob right behind the bar there's a there's a trap door that takes you to like a more secluded like basement storage area if you want it a trap door I'm gonna

fall you want me to fall down it we'll just close our eyes we'll just close our eyes oh my god that's not If you want it. A trap door. I'm going to fall. You want me to fall down it? We'll just close our eyes. We'll just close our eyes. Oh my God, that's not what I said. Please don't kill the HR person, Jennifer. Geez, we got her for you. And really quick before I start this meeting with Chip.

Beef, you're fired. Oh no, no. We can read, i'll be and we'll be right back and we'll be right back okay chip yeah yeah all right let's hear it. Grievances. My grievances. Okay. And you promise they can't hear. Like, Nope, I don't promise anything. That's, that's the doorknob way. We don't make promises.

Okay. Fair enough. Um, first of all, number one grievance that I'm kind of getting over, but I still want to talk about and bring up is I think we should be able to fall in love with each other in case it were to come up. We have this stupid rule that I hate

that we can't fall in love with each other. Not that it's come up, but if it were to come up, I'd like the option available. Does that make sense? Yes. You want to have sex with your coworkers. I get it.

That's not what I said. thank you chip um who's next that's it i have others who Oh, God. Beef's knees are buckling, like shaking. Beef, do you want to get your job back? Yes. More than anything, ma'am doorknob. More than anything, ma'am doorknob. Okay. Then read me the special beer of the day. Yes.

Okay. Do you guys serve beer here? I don't know. I don't come to this place chalice is doing charades behind ma'am doorknob's back um to try to get beef to know what the beer of the day is chalice you roll for uh intelligence or communication. Beef, these are really good gesticulations and charades. So you are able to tell,

for the most part, what Chalice is communicating to you. We have a hoppy, pale ale, and a... and what else? Also on special we have a dark

portly orange. I mean stout. Yeah. So why don't you roll beef for deception so to see if maggie can tell where your eyes are going or that you're not actually reading the paper but it's still looking elsewhere

okay good i got 12 plus 5 17 so madam doorknob has no idea and fully believes that you are reading oh my god wow that was that's correct um do i get my job back you get your job back yeah you have to do a lot of some paperwork with me we have to do the the firing paperwork and then the hiring paperwork so see me after this all right all right do you want to come air your grievances um yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'm on a roll here. Follow me. Okay. Okay, sit here.

Sticky back here. Excuse me? I mean, it's nice. That's what I thought. Okay. Okay. Well, I got to say. Did you know that your co-worker Chip wants to have sex with you anyways can you tell me what you wanted to say it does yeah don't tell anyone i said that okay

okay your secret safe with me ma'am doorknob um he does my grievances are um i'd like more stage time i do at least 50 to 100 sets a day but i could be doing more uh what kind of sets singing dancing yes well really any kind of shenanigan um sing song poem pat okay you want so you want you do 50 to 100 and how many do you want? 1,000. Maybe. Just rattling numbers off my head. You want to perform 1,000 times a day at the bottoms up. Yeah. Okay.

Someone come get beef, please. Oh, no. Am I fired again? Yes. You're fired again. Oh, I'm fired again. This is so much paperwork for me oh my god okay uh chalice come here thank you ma'am doorknob i did write a list um okay on naked thursdays that's the day where we go to work naked i feel like i don't get enough compliments so beef just called you a really bad word what yeah i knew it yeah and he's stealing

my wigs too yeah i'm sure of it he's stealing all my wigs that makes me work and you know what i think that we should i don't i'm not thinking of any specific examples but i feel like we should be able to fall in love with each other not oh i'm not thinking about anything specific i just think that there should be a rule there should be you want to have sex with beef too who wants to have sex with beef did somebody say that yeah a few people but a few people oh no one said that they wanted to have sex with me no one who's actually someone said they were like please don't make me have sex with jealous yeah i said there's no yeah it was chip chip used to flirt with me all the time and

now he doesn't anymore he's grossed out by me it's probably that you're because you're crying all the time you're right look at me look at me woman to woman are you a woman i don't know yes i am you're kind of a goblin looking woman i'm a high elf yeah okay a goblin um you need to you need to be strong okay if you want to attract chip you need to stop crying all the time uh-huh okay and you need to be mean to him okay okay those that's my advice how do you think i have three husbands wow i treat them like shit all right get out of here and let's get Seb in here. Great. Seb, hey, face loser. Hey, Chip, on your shit.

Fuck you. What? Oh, easy. What happened over there? Oh, I'm actually glad he didn't hear me. Seb, Seb, go in. Yeah, what? Oh, I'm going, I'm going. Don't kick me in the ass.

Hi. Oh, my God. What's going on? Hey, what's up, HR? Excuse me? I'm sorry. Hi, ma'am. And I do want to remind you, you hired me.

Yeah, yeah, I know. So lose the attitude. Okay, all right. Sorry, I don't know. I was just trying something on. Do you want to have sex with Beef or no? Beef and I have actually talked a lot about this. And it's kind of funny for you to bring it up because we're just talking about this this morning.

And I think, and this is what I told Beef, not yet. I'm not ruling it out. I'm not ruling it out, but just not yet. You know what I mean? Okay. Any other grievances? Yeah. I feel like there's always kind of this crippling uh pressure on top of me as the owner

um really i am a druid and kind of have this connection with all things natural okay great so good to talk to you uh jennifer wait no i just want to talk about pto i just wanted is it my turn yes jennifer please come back. She waddles over and then climbs up and sits on your knee. Okay. What's up, HR? This is a lot. There's a lot going on. I know.

It's totally a lot. I'm overwhelmed. This is exactly what I've wanted for so long. Finally going to get some rules and regulations around here. I love you. Excuse here. I love you. Excuse me? Um, I love you. You love me? Yeah. Oh my god.

That's so sweet. You're fired. What the? You're fired. Oh, I'm f***ing ruined. I don't have any ink. I guess I wasn't getting paid much anyways. This place, you know what? Wait, why am I fired? Because there there's no i haven't made the new rule that you can fall in love with your co-workers it's right now it's against the rules and you just fell in love with me your co-worker

oh my god is it adding up yeah can i audition again for my job yes uh but in front of everybody okay everybody gather around we have a quick uh it's actually it's gonna be beef versus jennifer who wants to get their job back oh my god they both got fired does this mean if i get the job i am supposed to play music at this place or something yeah a thousand times a day. Does that mean I have to make orange all day? Yes. Like you could last two seconds. Like any of you could last two seconds in the kitchen.

You're right, Jennifer. Chip should have got fired instead of you. He's such a loser. And then she winks at- Good job. Ma'am, doorknob. You're so mean. Okay, ma ma'am doorknob. You're so mean. Okay, ma'am doorknob, what do you want us to do to get our jobs back?

I want you to do a quick poem. Right now, far, far, far, far, I run, close I come. If that's what it has to be, I blow. Close you come. Oh boy, okay. You come. Oh, boy. Okay. You got your job. You got your job back, Jennifer. Oh, well, isn't there only one slot?

Sorry, Jenny. No, there's not one slot. I just was kind of pressuring you guys. Okay. Okay. Where are you from, ma'am? Doorknob? Is this the poem? Where are you from, ma'am, doorknob? Is this the poem?

Where are you from? Where have you been? Where are you going? When is your when? When is your time? When is the tune? The whistle that blows is blowing too soon. This is unfair. This is unfair. Jennifer's been reading my diary. That is a poem from my diary. Wow. I have been reading your diary, beef, and it's unintelligible. It makes no sense.

The letters don't go in that order. Those aren't words. Hold on, hold on. Everyone stop. Is everyone okay? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, it just kind of crashed. All right, let's do a group hug.

Oh. Now? Right now. Okay. all right let's do a group hug oh now right now okay that's kind of my method i get you guys really tense and then i get a hug oh you're in the center like a maypole all right everybody that was a great hug and we've all got the grievances out or i know all of them i wrote them down oh god we're gonna yeah i'm gonna put them i'm gonna tape them to the wall later um oh god it's time for team building exercises which is a very important part of being a company we're gonna go outside because this place stinks. No offense. No, that's fair. So we cut to the back outside area that's covered in green moss.

And there is already a 25-foot ladder set up. Okay. You're going to climb up the ladder all the way to the top. As you notice, I am as tall as the ladder, so it's pretty cool for me. And you're going to get to the top and say one positive thing about Bottoms Up, and then you're going to fall into our arms, okay? Is there a question, a problem with that? i actually had my arm raised down here down here sorry i know hello what hi i love you i mean no oh my god i'm sorry you're you're fired i'm so sorry oh my god yeah jenny you walked right into that one it's just that the ladder is like incredibly higher for

some of us as opposed to others like just you, you know, respectively, it's like a 200 foot drop for you guys comparatively, you know? One of us could catch you in one of our hands. I weigh at least as much as all of you combined. I'm a little concerned, frankly. Yeah, Chip might be the one that dies here, all right? It's not going to be you. It sounds like there's not a lot of trust going on here. That's what it sounds like to me.

Who wants to go first? I'll go first. I'll go first. I'll go first. Oh, no, you go ahead. No, you go first. No, you go first. Chip, you're up.

All right. I didn't say I'll go first. All right, Chip, come on up. I specifically wanted to not. All right. Oh, God. Okay, please catch me. Climb me climb climb climb climbing climbing chip you have you have to actually climb you can't just say climb man we see you are you serious man

yeah they're they're right about that okay the thing i love most about bottoms up is that um it feel i i love everybody oh my god i oh my god i fell asleep i'm so sorry sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry keep going keep going okay i i feel like you're not taking me seriously and i feel like nobody ever takes me seriously oh wait for real do you really feel that way chip yeah i feel like when i tell you guys a story you guys don't believe it no matter what i'm saying i don't mean to interrupt because this is important but uh you're supposed to go to the top of the tower and say something nice about the bar not this this this bullshit that's going on right now he's halfway up and he's talking about himself. Yeah, this typical Chip.

Wow. Wow. Literally not what the instructions say, Chip. I go back down. They're not wrong. I go back down. No, Chip, Chip. Oh, come on. I did not volunteer to go first.

No, I did not volunteer to go first. All right, fine. I'll go. Chalice scurries to the top. Okay. I think bottoms up. Oh, fine. I'll go. Chalice obscuries to the top. Okay. I think bottoms up. Oh, please. Yeah.

Let's see how that feels. That was fake. Mine was real. Yeah, it's too bad. Yours was clearly fake. Yes. I got really tired when you were talking. You should do a sleep podcast, okay?

I think that Bottoms Up is a very fun place to be and a very safe place to store your wigs where your best friend won't steal them. And then Chalice falls back. This is like what I just did. She's talking about herself. She's already falling. She's already fallen. She's already fallen.

Oh, shit. So the mechanics of this will be that the three of you, since Jennifer's effectively useless for catching people, two out of the three of you will have to roll above a 12 in order to catch Chalice. Oh, boy. Now, if you believe that what she was saying is sincere then it's just a normal roll if you don't as your character believe what she was saying was sincere

and a positive thing about bottoms up you have disadvantage and have to take the worst of your two rolls okay cool yeah oh i rolled an 18 okay okay i i called her out uh for being insincere so i'm rolling with disadvantage and i really kind of stopped listening after saying that the bar is uh is a fun place so that's i didn't even hear the other passive-aggressive stuff towards chip so i was towards beef or beef it doesn't matter it really like i said i wasn't listening so clearly so a 19 yeah i still rolled a 17 actually oh wow so chalice gets caught you you dive out um having full trust and uh or maybe not but either way you got caught. Hey, guys, that was actually nice. That was kind of fun.

Really good job, guys. It was fun. See? Do you see? Beef, I'm sorry for accusing you of stealing my wigs. I know you didn't. I know you wouldn't do that. It's okay.

I did. Oh, okay. I have. Yep. Yeah. Of course we're going to catch you, Chalice. I mean, we don't want to see you hurt. And I also like your little belly button on Naked Thursdays.

Thank you. Okay, that's an hr problem right no no i asked that's what i needed okay sorry sorry sorry sorry i missed it i was on the phone ordering i was ordering a snack um so sorry whatever i missed is it's all good okay i'm gonna climb up this ladder and at the top, Beef says, what I like about Bottoms Up is that everyone wants to have sex with me. And then he jumps without even waiting. Alright, Chalice rolled a three. We're all looking at each other like, you?

Is it you that wants to have sex? Yeah. I mean, I said eventually. Because that's so shocking for some of you. I rolled a four. No. I rolled a 16, but it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Beef, you hit the pavement hard.

Take a D6 of damage. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, God. Ouchie. As you're staring at Beef on the ground, Jennifer goes, I love being part of the five! And jumps immediately after,

and none of you have recovered from Beef's fall yet. So we shouldn't even roll? Don't even roll. Jennifer just lands on Beef's back, which actually isn't too bad, all things considered. Just kind of a cushy, and goes, I got caught! Beef, did you do the trust fall face first i guess i did i guess damn beef i think we've all learned a valuable lesson

from this but i didn't go when you fall you fell and if you fell then you probably took a fall and in the end we're all falling to and you see what i mean that was crystal clear to me oh the two people that have been fired didn't get caught is that something exactly and now they're rehired. Oh. Yes. Weird. If you fall and hurt yourself, I will rehire you. That is kind of a thing, a little secret about me. Oh my God.

Good to know. Keep that in my back pocket. Okay, everyone. I just ordered a big coffee from Starbucks, and I'm going to go there, and I'm going to drink it, and I'm going to write all the new bylawslaws and I will have them ready to go tomorrow morning. Please do not try to contact me while I'm working.

Okay, I'll see you in the morning. Love you. We cut to the next morning at a morning meeting that y'all are all in attendance. Ma'am doorknob struts in and slams down a 300-page document on the table. Ew. Jesus. I think Jennifer was sitting on that table. Oh, no.

Oh, God. Oh, my body. Sorry, Jennifer. Can someone help me move this? Yeah. Yeah, of course. You don't see Jennifer there underneath, and you inspect the bottom, Sorry, Jennifer. Sorry. Can someone help me move this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You don't see Jennifer there underneath, and you inspect the bottom, and she's still kind of like flat and stuck to the bottom. Oh, I just printed this whole thing page by page. Can you please get off of it? I'm sorry, ma'am. She peels herself off and plops to the bar. Thank you. All right, this is it. I spent all night putting

all the rules together. The bylaws, okay, if we're going to get technical. Who wants to read it? I guess I'll take a stab at it. Okay. So I would start silently reading. Oh, no, no, no.

Out loud. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. All right. Article one. Do not fuck the little one. What does that mean?

Look around. Who's the little one? Is it Jennifer or Beef? I really don't know. It's gotta be it's beef nobody's allowed to fuck beef oh it's in the bylaws it's in the bylaws but then look at this article too everyone else can have sex whoa oh really seriously yes okay that's amazing. I don't know how that helps us, but... It might come up.

It could come up. It could come up. I think it could come up. You both are spitting so much into my open mouth. No, we're not. Close your mouth. Close your mouth. I can't.

We cut to three hours later, and all the rules and regulations have been read for Bottoms Up up including what the compensation employee benefits and workplace safety rules are uh that are now in place and that was the last one everybody so now you know all the bylaws and it's the and they are they are you they start right now so if you break any of the rules just uh somebody you don't you don't have to do it in front of everyone you can come to me in my office which is me sitting behind the bar you know what that is and just let me know um i'm gonna go

back there right now i have to do all the firing hiring hiring paperwork from Beef and Jennifer yesterday. All right. I'll see you guys soon, okay? Okay. Bye. Love you. Okay, great. Now, guys, I'm still walking this off that big 300-page injury,

but there's something I got to let you know. The kitchen rats were super psyched about this new HR program and the benefits and PTO and all that good stuff. So much so that, unfortunately, I got 800 different notices that people are taking their sick days today. Huh? Huh? Yeah. 800 members of the kitchen staff are taking a sick day today since out of how many somehow 798 so someone's two people are really sick uh it's what it sounds like but um so you got it then no no no no. If you see Article 4, Section 6,

we always must have a fully staffed kitchen for health codes. So you guys are going to be working under old Jennifer today. All right. Oh, man. All right. It can't be that hard. And I put on an apron and a chef's hat. Let's get going.

So do we each have to do the work of 200 rats? No, it's do we each have to do the work of 200 rats? Chef! Oh, whoa! Okay, behind! Behind! Also behind. We cut to the kitchen. Jennifer, ma'am, can I take a break, please? Ma'am, I'm sweating being over this. Not ma'am,

chef! Chef! No, ma'am, chef! Ma'am, chef, please can I take a break? I'm sweating! Ma'am, chef. Ma'am, chef, please can I take a break? I'm sweating. Ma'am, chef, there's no more salt. I know a way to get salt. Water. Through tears.

Jennifer grabs two pieces of bread and puts them on either side of your head. What are you? A sandwich. Not just a sandwich. What kind? A good boy sandwich. No. It's beef sandwich.

Oh, I'm a beef sandwich. Yes! And that makes you also an idiot sandwich. We're not getting that. This is a kitchen nightmare. She gets underneath you with a little vial, and she's waiting for beef's tears. Yeah, come on.

Come on. Come on. I'm a good boy. She squeezes your tear duct, and it goes into the vial. She goes, there's your fucking salt. Chip is building a stretcher out of two brooms and an apron because Seb is injured. Yeah, there's just like a stream of blood, like a little fountain hitting the top. Oh my God, all of our knives are so dull.

All our knives are so dull, chef. I run over to the whiteboard and I erase it and put zero days since the last injury. And I run back. Nope, doesn't qualify, wasn't severe enough. What? He's going to lose this leg probably. Yeah, probably, not severe enough. Jennifer, I think I just overheard there's a game of blackjack happening outside in the bar area.

Maybe you can go in and maybe try to gamble a little, Jennifer. Okay, I will. But I also overheard that you're really not pulling your weight around here. If you don't get your shit together, I'm going to cook you in the next orange pot. And Jennifer scattles out. I want to go to ma'am doorknob. I want to go to ma'am doorknob now. I can't live like this.

I'm scared. I can see the fields of Elysium. I'm fading. I got to be honest, guys. Rats all, folks. We got to go talk to ma'am doorknob. Chip, I am so mad at you i'm for what that sucks man seb is dying seb just said he's about to die and you said rats all folks this is the

first time i've genuinely been mad at you chip and you've tried to kill me before let's go i'll talk to ma'am doorknob because i cannot live like this oh no sub's eyes are closed okay oh my god i just found out i actually go to hell i have to change so much in my life that's actually not what's going on right now sub we don't have the time for that we go to ma'am doorknob behind the bar ma'am oh my god i'm you scared the shit out of me you're covered in crumbs yes from all your snacks i've been eating a lot of snacks what is it we're sorry to bother you but you said to come to you. When did I say that? You said that about a couple hours ago.

Jennifer's bullying us and she's breaking all sorts of rules that are in the document that you so beautifully put together. And we were just wondering if we could have another meeting to sort this out. What rules did she break? Well, we would like to enact article 18 section 6 the tattle clause uh which of course allows us to tattle on any co-workers um and you can obviously section section 20 of the same clause uh if anybody's leg is close to falling off we can uh we can move to strike yeah pretty lame on the title portion,

but I get it. Whose leg is falling off? I think the doctor just walked into the bar, actually. Oh, no. A doctor walks into a bar. Oh, it's just a joke. Oh, God. We thought Mr. Pibb was coming.

We're laughing, right? Do you need to go to the hospital? Okay, we're going to have a conflict resolution meeting. Right, huh? Do you need to go to the hospital? Please help us. Okay. We're going to have a conflict resolution meeting. Seb, can you hold out? Can we have that meeting first before you get help? I got about 20 minutes, so sure. Did someone say doctor?

Fucking kill me. Stab me in the head. No, sir. Get out. It worked. He just looks scared and leaves. Well, geez. Okay. Let's geez, okay.

Let's go see Jennifer. Okay, so we cut to the roof where Jennifer has recently discovered that there was no action happening up there, but she's just kind of taking a break to cool down for a second when you all arrive up there. There she is. Do we sneak up on her?

What's the rule? Yeah, we sneak up on her.'s the rule yeah we sneak up on her and then we yell all at once we say tattletale rule so she knows what we're doing okay okay ready one two three tattletale rule she gets so scared that she like you know is spooked into spooked into doing a jump start. She's startled so much that she is actively, accidentally jumping off the roof. No. Get her.

Get her. Trust fall. Trust fall. So if you really want to catch her and you're valuing her in this moment, you get to roll with advantage. 16. 18. A advantage. 16. 18. A 17.

Perfect. So all three of you catch Jennifer gently at the same time in the air, just about as she's about to go over the edge of the building. Holy shit. What is happening? Jennifer, you cannot bully us. She's right. It's against the rules. And you're the one who wanted all these's right. It's against the rules.

And you're the one who wanted all these rules when we were happy without the rules. And now you can't bully us. Is this true? Jennifer? Yeah, it is true. You can't bully. Nobody can have sex with beef.

And I'm allowed to eat 16 to 17 snacks an hour in my office. And I'm allowed to eat 16 to 17 snacks an hour in my office. I can't bully that. I can't do my job. Okay. Hold on. I'm sorry. Um,

I gotta say something. Um, I'm sorry, you guys. And you just caught me. I mean, it was your fault, but you did catch me while I was about to go over the side of the building. And I, I felt very saved, but you did catch me while I was about to go over the side of the building, and I felt

very saved by you in that moment, and here's the situation. Okay. Is it real? Was that real? That was real. I'm sorry. Then I think you honestly have, like, a health issue thing, and you should... You're not allowed

to ask about that, Jennifer. Okay, see, here's the deal i don't want to have to deal with this stuff i want to be able to run the kitchen how i want can you guys just agree to pay us one copper piece a week each and we'll cut out hr and things will go back to the way they were per five rats per five rats yeah you guys five of you split one copper piece. Three of you split one copper piece. I'm negotiating down. Why are you negotiating? I feel bad for Jennifer.

Okay, that's fair. Jennifer, three of you can split a copper piece. Or two. I think two people sharing one copper piece. Tell us. What? Fine. Let's just do one person splits a copper piece.

Great idea. And you guys, if we get rid of the rules, then we can all f*** beef, maybe. Oh, my God. Oh, you know what? You're right. You're right. Take the copper. Take all the copper.

Yeah. Jennifer outstretches a little hand. She goes, I mean, okay. You drive a hard, weird bargain, but okay. And she puts out her hand. And as it's getting shook, Jennifer looks over uh where 800 rats are on the other uh opposite side of the roof um and they're like looking over expectantly

and she looks over and her look says oh my god i can't believe they agreed to this we're rich just way more money than they were expecting. It won't put the bar out of business or anything, but it's honestly just a fair deal, but they're so small that it's incredible and they're very happy and feel good about it. Everyone, we're going to cut to the front of Bottoms Up. The door's open. Ma'am Doorknob has one foot out the door. All her things and her papers are packed up, and it's time for her final goodbyes. Well, okay, I have to duck down to get out of the door, but it's been absolutely hell being here.

You don't need HR. You need a therapist, and I hope you guys have your weird little sex bar um this to me is a sex bar i'm gonna be telling people that and i am going to take a long vacation for maybe the rest of my life paid by you guys actually wait hold on wait what the heck that was in the contract it said if you get rid of me you have to pay me uh you know what i'm happy to buy your silence of all the stuff that i said in our meeting thank you for leaving with all the secrets ma'am doorknob i'm writing a book but great and man doorknob takes off down the road opens her umbrella and then starts going up into the sky and jennifer calls after her i love you man doorknob have a good vacation who wants a beef hey hey everybody it's elizabeth andrews in your ears to tell you about some exciting news for our

la-based friends illuminati hour is back baby baby! Yeah, that's right. Check us out Wednesdays, September 7th, 7pm at, you guessed it, the Art Theater. Tickets are $8 and follow us on the Instagram at theilluminatihour to get advanced tickets and more information. But guess what, guys? There's more. It doesn't stop.

The following Wednesday, our best friends, yeah, I said it, best friends, Wet Bus, will be performing 9 p.m. at the same location. We're teaming up with Wet Bus and more Chicago-style comedians to bring nonstop comedy Wednesdays at the Yard Theater. I said that all in one breath. So don't forget to check us out at the Yard Theater, man. Go to their website and look at the calendar and see all the fun shows coming down the pipeline.

And you know what? I hope to see you on the 7th. Toodle-oo. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. In this episode, we were joined by a very special guest, a Chicago comedic forced to be reckoned with, Maggie Winters. You can find Maggie on Twitter and Instagram and TikTok going viral at saggy splinters. Highly recommend her internet stuff. It's incredible. Shaggy splinters. Highly recommend her internet stuff. It's incredible. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one.

We are very excited to announce our next stretch goal if we get to 500 patrons, we'll release a one-shot based on the television series Lost. GM'd and written by the wickedly talented Aaron Keefe. This episode capitalizes on all the great tropes that made millions of viewers tune in week after week. Marooned on an island? Check. Narrative-driven character flashbacks? Check. Unfulfilling ending? Check. But this was so fun, we're definitely going to have to record more. And there may be a returning character from our Grey's Anatomy one-shot involved. So help us get

to 500 patrons so we can share this with you sooner rather than later. For those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats! This week's bonus episode is a game of Truth or Dare, hosted by our very own Ben Briggs. And honestly, the stakes get pretty dang

high in this game. In other news, my sitcom D&D merch arrived, and it looks awesome. I went with a pink t-shirt and the logo on the front and the characters on the back, and I love it. I really do. And thirdly, if you want to leave a comment in Bottoms Up's comment box, it may be used as the inspiration for a flashback scene in a future comment box episode. You can do this by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcasts. Just to clarify, rate us as a show separately from how you'd rate Bottoms Up as an establishment. We've already got

a few amazing comments on there that will definitely be used as scene suggestions. So don't dilly dally, get over to Apple Podcasts and leave your comment for Bottoms Up. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.